Breaking news: Waffles

My friend, Hannah, just sent me an email to alert me about breaking news on Yahoo:

Not a joke.
Not a joke, you guys. Real. Live. Screenshot.

Holy shit, y’all.

And my first thought was “I have to share this with the internets immediately because WTF, news media?  Why is this a top story?!”  And then my second thought is that I shouldn’t tell anyone about it until I have a chance to go out and buy all the Eggos I can find first because this way I get a headstart on the hoarding.  But no, I decided to share with you now because I have integrity.  And because I already have a box of Eggos in my fridge.  Which I will be selling on ebay.  Starting bid?  Eight hundred thousand dollars. They’re the buttermilk-flavored ones though so, yeah…they’re totally worth it.

Also, I just read the actual news story and it gets even better.  Actual quotes from top story, which by the way, comes from CNN:

Eggo enthusiasts took to the Internet to mourn the shortage. Lovers of theTwilight vampire movie series thinking about another kind of bite, as Twitter fanpage editors comforted each other via the social media site

User @KStew411, a page devoted to Twilight star Kristen Stewart, tweeted on Tuesday: “I am despondent. DESPONDENT. My 4 food groups are: tacos, skittles, pop, and eggos!”

User @cullenluv sent a message of support: “We’re outta Eggos here, too!! It’s a national tragedy!!

THAT’S ALL IN THE NEWS STORY. Honestly, people. I couldn’t even make this shit up. It’s like we’re living in The Onion.

Comment of the day:  I fed my two year old Eggos for breakfast today, before I knew they were rare. I’m taking $100,000 out of his college fund to make up for him eating such a rare commodity. You know, if he had $100,000 in his college fund, which he doesn’t. So basically he isn’t going to college. Hope you enjoyed your waffles, kid. ~ Erin

122 thoughts on “Breaking news: Waffles

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t even eat that shit and I am going right back out the supermarket to hoard what is left of them…even though I just got home and just put on my pajamas….at six thirty. Yup Eggolomania here I fucking come!
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..The Comfort of Daylight =-.

  2. okay I’m actually seriously happy that you posted this. I’ve been going to my ghetto Ralphs for the past like 2 months trying to find some chocolate chip eggos and they NEVER had any. The eggo section is always bare and only has the like shitty nutrigrain ones left. If I wanted whole grains I wouldnt be eating eggos.

    While there are still no waffles, at least grocery stores wont have to listen to me yell about how I wont be able to function without my chocolate chip eggos. Thank you!
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Fantasy Television – My Sport of Choice =-.

  3. Are you friggin’ kidding me, THAT is the top story? It’s called a WAFFLER, people, it isn’t a crime to go to the store, buy one, and make your own, they’re better than all the crap pumped into the crap-o Eggos to begin with. What’s next, Waffle Houses across the nation get robbed at gunpoint because of the shortage? Geezus.

    Thank you for the twitter names of the idiots who are actually mourning the shortage, so I can go and Twitter-Bitchslap ’em.
    .-= Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Apparently, I’m a Racist? =-.

  4. I fed my two year old Eggos for breakfast today, before I knew they were rare. I’m taking $100,000 out of his college fund to make up for him eating such a rare commodity. You know, if he had $100,000 in his college fund, which he doesn’t. So basically he isn’t going to college. Hope you enjoyed your waffles, kid!
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..How Sweet The Sound =-.

  5. This actually totally explains my day. I have a daughter who is alive thanks to Eggo Chocolate Chip waffles. I went to buy more, and the store was out. They were out of every kind of Eggo waffle except those weird healthy ones, and we all know that nobody eats those, they are just there for show.

    What on earth will my daughter eat now? Does this mean I have to learn to cook chocolate chip waffles? Screw that and the pony it rode in on. Can you even make stuff like that at home? I always assumed magical elves in a factory somewhere made them. Dude, maybe something happened to the elves, and that’s what’s causing the shortage! This *is* totally breaking news.
    .-= meghann´s last blog ..It sucks not being rich =-.

  6. I’m ashamed to admit that after reading it on yahoo, I hurriedly called my boyfriend, a devoted Eggo enthusiast, so that he could run out and stock up. Just this weekend, he mentioned his difficulty locating the cinnamon Eggos. Mystery solved!

  7. I’m not getting it. THERE ARE OTHER WAYS PEOPLE to eat crappy frozen waffes. It’s call Bisquick and a waffle iron. Make Bisquick waffles and stick them in the freezer for later. When later comes grab your frozen waffle out of the freezer and burn it in the toaster oven. Ta Da! It’s like Eggo.

    Or maybe it’s just like Eggo at my house. I don’t think my toaster oven likes frozen waffles of any sort and burns them as some sort of revenge thing.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Green Moms Carnival: Saving Money through Green Means =-.

  8. Eggo envy…I’ve never tried em. They don’t make a big deal about waffles in Australia. waffle is used when you’re talking about BS.

    “I listened to his waffle”, and then she started ‘waffling’ on about unimportant sparkly vamps.
    Wait a minute…VAMPIRES DON’T EAT WAFFLES…I knew that Twilight was a sham, this simply reconfirms my theory.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..B to tha LING =-.

  9. This was on the local news here recently.

    News Guy #1: There’s a shortage at the Eggo plant!

    News Guy #2: Oh no! What about the waffle trees?

    Me: *lolsnort*

    …srsly, I guess this is an improvement from all the crime, death, and tragedy that’s usually on the news, but can’t we find a happy medium?

  10. I can’t help but wonder if this is some kind of creative campaign by the Eggo people. I haven’t had an Eggo in years, nor have I wanted one, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t want to go out and buy a dozen boxes after reading this and cover them all in syrup and pig out. After I toasted them of course. I’m not an animal. Good one, Eggo people….
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Cruelty-Free Thanksgiving Tips =-.

  11. Bingo, Jessica – you are exactly right. As a public relations professional, I can tell you that commodity industries do it all the time. For example, let’s say an arsenic mining company issues a news release saying that their arsenic yield from a particular mine is down. Or an oil refinery says that they have shut down production from xyz date to xyz date. Or a HFCS company says that the corn crop was bad. The entire purpose of that information is to drive up the price/demand for that commodity product. So what we’re really seeing is the transformation of Eggos into a product much like crude oil, HFCS, or arsenic.

    I wish fondly the Eggo campaign was my own. “Rationing”. Pure genius.

  12. I’m sure this is Obama’s fault. We never had Eggo shortages when a Republican was in office. I SMELL SOCIALISM.

  13. I was kind of thinking that I felt like I was reading the news ticker headlines off of Sim City 3000, but yes. The Onion. You’re right. Much cooler. What kind of dork still plays Sim City 3000? Ha ha, hooo.

    Waffle shortage! Mayor Chloe Popstar declares a day of emergency!
    .-= Chloe´s last blog ..Outfit Of The Day (Bejeweled) =-.

  14. Although, now that I’ve seen Kellogg’s website and read through the media coverage, I’m changing my mind. The “feel” of the answer is what we call a reactive or standby statement, meaning it was not originally meant to leave the company.

  15. Ok, see this is serious. For real! I am addicted to Chocolate Chip Eggos and they are gone. GONE! There is a preponderance of buttermilk, blueberry, strawberry and those awful whole grain things (seriously, what’s the point???) but NO CHOCOLATE CHIP.

    Unfortunately, the preponderacne of buttermilk means your ebay plan is probably not going to work. But I’ll keep it a secret because I have your back and totally think there are people who will pay good money for a good eggo.

    Also, I’m glad you posted this because I was starting to think it was just me. But I’m not paranoid or anything. Much.
    .-= Chrysalis´s last blog ..There but for the grace of god…. =-.

  16. I KNOW! I saw this earilier and couldn’t help be like, “WHAT THE HELL?!” Waffles are good and everything but damn people, get a life!

    By the way, someone already listed a box of eggos on ebay (I looked) and they’re asking $65.00. There are zero bids.
    http://cgi.ebay.com/New-Box-EGGO-WAFFLES-Great-Demand-Eggo-Waffle-Shortage_W0QQitemZ170408880208QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item27ad292850

    Wait, is this you?
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’ =-.

  17. This really burns me up. With all that’s going on in the world, this is what passes for news? It’s an outrage. We should be ashamed. Now if there was a shortage of Pillsbury Toaster Strudels, NOW that would be a story.

  18. Perhaps the most bizarre part is how they managed to tie the whole “tragedy” into the “Twilight” fan communities. Because apparently every event in the known universe matters only in how it relates to the New Moon premiere.

    PS: Vampires do not sparkle. We are impenetrable vortexes of darkness.
    PPS: I stopped smoking! You seemed quite troubled last time you stopped by Fermented Fur, so I thought you’d want to know. Of course I’d been drunk-emailing Dr. Oz, while smoking, and having almost just ripped out my own jugular looking for my thyroid… but you probably hear about that sort of stuff all the time. But anyway, I’m now an ex-smoker. We’ll deal with the drinking some other time.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I Scoff At Those Who Thought I Couldn’t Do It =-.

  19. Three points:
    First, why does everything have to come back to Twilight these days?
    Second, when I tell my daughter we’re out of waffles, she shrugs and says, “I’ll have cereal.”
    Third, I’m usually too cheap to buy the supermarket brand, so will I even be affected by this “crisis”?
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Deaf Ears =-.

  20. I was so perplexed by the twighlight tie-in that I actually had to go read the story- investigative journalism at it’s finest.

    I guess the perfect segue is none at all- CNN NAILED THAT SHIT.

  21. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this! I’ve been looking for ways to make extra cash since I’ve been out of work, and now I can put the waffle maker and ridiculously GIGANTIC-ass bag of waffle mix I got from my sister-in-law for Christmas last year to good use! Want Eggos? Come on over to my place. $5 each. Canadian funds. Will deliver, but hold no responsibility for what condition said Eggos arrive in.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Dear divine forces (or whatever) that control the Vancouver job market, =-.

  22. People.com’s second most popular story of the week was about how Kendra Wilkinson loves her blue Snuggie… at least the Eggo story affects me
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..BloGaga =-.

  23. Twilight is kind of like the new Christianity in that it has changed the ways in which millions live their lives and has spawned many an uneducated zealot …so does that mean that Edward (because he is obviously the Jesus figure in this new world order) is taking away Eggos from us as punishment of those of us who are still worshiping the false idol, Harry Potter? cause that will totally work. I’m going to buy my New Moon ticket now. Stop the waffle shortage Edward! I’m so sorry! oh dear Edward! Make it stop!

  24. I am gonna say 2 things. 1)This is Bullshit that Eggo can’t make stupid effing waffles because of rain and now we are in a shortage. 2)My kids are going to starve cause they eat these god dam things daily. I shit you not I have to buy them at BJ’s by the case where you get like 100 waffles and I do that 1-2 times a month. Thank god we have an industrial size freezer for all of these waffles. So no offense your 1 package of eggos ain’t shit to my freezer full compliments of the 100 pack sold at BJ’s. LOL. EBAY here we come!
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Shaun Showing His Titans Pride =-.

  25. You made me buy Egg-Os. I never buy Egg-Os. I love waffles, but really. . . & there they were in the frozen aisle at Target TONIGHT for $1.79.

    See folks, the Bloggess has powers that equal CNN.

    If you hurry, maybe there’s one box left. 😉

    dahlila

  26. OMG! I commented on Facebook about this this morning. What will my children do?? I just told my in-laws YESTERDAY that I don’t know how to make pancakes. They both proceeded to try to explain to me how to make pancakes and I told them, “OK, no, I just don’t like to make pancakes. I just buy waffles.” NOW what will I do?
    .-= Shoegirl´s last blog ..On Hiatus =-.

  27. Somebody said,”L’eggo my Eggo!” and finally somebody else said no. And not only that, for emphasis they followed it up with, “I’m taking all the fucking waffles there are. Quit making up contractions and maybe you’ll get your breakfast back.”
    .-= Amelia Witherspoon´s last blog ..There Are Two Sides… =-.

  28. This is completely unrelated to this post, but I wanted you to know (as well as the person who originally came up with it) that not only have I turned my fellow Internet Hookers onto your blog, but now we use “douche canoe” quite regularly. And not always to refer to stupid clients.

  29. OMG! WTF CNN? I thought you made up the Twitter quotes and was once again impressed by your wit. Turns out no one can’t make this shit up. Stranger than fiction. In more ways than way. The Onion may need to start report serious news. Like Jon Stewart: the most trusted news source indeed. Another OMG and WTF: My kids do have Eggo almost every morning. (They renounced my attempt to make homemade waffles. Jerks) And that represents 1 out of 5 items in their major food group. The stores are closed now. I wish I had read your post before midnight. I have learned my lesson today: Check your website as religiously as some people check the CNN Breaking News.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Just Award, Or, I can’t think of a witty title so early in the morning* =-.

  30. I’m sure u kids will survive… we don’t even get Eggo in this country… however we do get eggs, flour, milk and sugar. I wonder if America would even know how to make a waffle from scratch?

  31. Times like these I turn to the bible.
    Revelations Chapter 6. Also know as the Seal Chapters. (As you know named after Heide Klums husband).

    “5-And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
    6-And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of Eggos for $800,000 and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.”
    .-= William´s last blog ..Believe =-.

  32. You mock my breaking news???

    Since my 4 year old does not know the meaning of “ration”, “shortage” or “shit out of luck”, it appears I best my ass to the grocery store. Pronto.

    Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old scorned.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..*Wink* =-.

  33. See? I totally knew there was a reason I’ve been buying store brand all these years and it wasn’t because I was a cheap ass skank. Skank yes, cheap, no.
    .-= nikki´s last blog ..From the Editor =-.

  34. I foretold of the EGGapocalypse in 2000 lo and behold…. Ah hell I can’t keep that up. Why the hell would this pass for news. This is total stupidity. I wonder how the syrup market is fairing.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Burns when I pee =-.

  35. Well I was at the supermarket just yesterday and there were TONS of these things. Seems like no one’s really interested. Please proceed to be jealous, thx.

    (But then again I’m in Singapore. We don’t do waffles and we get our pancakes from McDonald’s.)
    .-= shabel´s last blog ..** Blogoversary: You’ve Got Mail! ** =-.

  36. What the hell am I going to feed my kids?????????

    I may actually have to cook…oh wait nothing’s happened to Poptarts. Never mind, crisis averted.

  37. HA! My first thought was that the Onion had hacked CNN! Only in America, people. Nevermind that the world is almost out of gas, it’s a tragedy when we are out of premade, preservative laden, chemically frozen flour products. AWESOME.

  38. Actually, it wasn’t the rain. My brother had a dream his house was made of waffles, so I tried to make one for real. It turns out that it takes a lot of waffles to make a three-bedroom house. Sorry about that. Also, a house made of waffles is not very sheltery, but it smells good on a warm day.

  39. Finally, a national emergency I can sink my teeth into!

    But this is truly a bonanza for all the wannabes.
    It’s just like Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson and Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan all dying AT ONCE!! and in the void we would have a whole new crop of undertalented and overvalued young actresses and singers rushing onto the frenzied scene, each more pathetically publicity-lusting than the next.
    It would be GREAT !!

    Fake food, fake people, fake scenarios——palmed off as real——-what’s not to like about America?!?!?

  40. Quick! I better stop at the supermarket and stock up on Eggo’s! LEGGO MY EGGOS FOLKS! Mad woman incoming!

  41. I wonder if all the Eggo fans here would be so keen on the product if they’d heard the continued news about it that I heard this morning…turns out, the shortage isn’t due to just a flood issue. It’s also because they were dealing with cleanliness issues at the plant that got flooded, and had been cited by health officials for listeria found in a batch of those oh so yummy buttermilk waffles.

    Yum?
    .-= Faith´s last blog ..Some are luckier than others. =-.

  42. Holy crap!!!! I have two waffles left in the freezer and I was at the damn store last night. Seriously, I’m so much on the edge that if there’s a freaking waffle shortage I’m gonna cap someone.

  43. I have 2 and a half boxes of Eggo Toaststix that I can’t even force my kids to eat…..the same kids that BEGGED me in the store to buy ‘cuz we’re all out of them at home! WE GOTTA HAVE EGGOS!!!!!!!!! Now I’m threatening to refuse to buy all other breakfast alternatives til they’re gone.

    Anyone want to come over for breakfast?
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..All Al =-.

  44. Eggo’s were on my list for the grocery today because I have a 4 year old who can not live without her Eggo’s in the morning. When I got to the store of course the freezer shelves were pretty bare but they had some left. As I reached in to get a few boxes a guy next to me did the same and I could not help but yell “Leggo my Eggo, Fool!”. Hubs turned all shades of red and walked as far away from me as fast as he could!!!
    .-= Claire´s last blog .."Momma" Where have You Been All My Life?!?!? =-.

  45. So let me get this straight. The problem in Twilight is NOT that Edward is a vampire, and left Bella… But that the Cullens were hoarding the Eggos and the werewolves are trying to protect the breakfast rights of Americans???

    I just revealed that i know way too much about this Twilight business. *subtracts cool points from self*
    .-= TxtingMrDarcy´s last blog ..Everyone Basically Wants Me to Get the Flu. And by “Everyone” I Mean “My Employer.” =-.

  46. There’s a scene in Stephen King’s new novel, “Under the Dome,” where a grocery store is looted, and this crazy dentist makes off with an entire shopping cart full of Eggo waffles. King’s prescient like that. I’m sure he’s snorting with glee at this “news.”
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: Waste not, want not =-.

  47. This is so Egg-straordinary! Egg-citing! Egg-straneous! Where are the Egg-nostics?

    Somebody call Washington – we need a Government bailout, STAT! We DEMAND a Public Option and Price Controls on our beloved breakfasts! No Waffling this time, Congress – WE. WANT. ACTION. NOW.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Foodie Friday – Review: Camp Cuisine =-.

  48. I would take the time to comment something memorable/funny, but I’ve got to get to the store. If I run out of Eggos, there’s no telling what could happen. Definitely worthy of the top news story, and even more so of the declaration ‘national tragedy’.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Divado Review =-.

  49. They’re going to have to change the commercials now.
    “Leggo my Eggo or I’ma cut a bitch!”

  50. It’s a waffle conspiracy. First, Pillsbury stops making the square waffles that taste better, and fit more logically into the toaster. Now, there’s an Eggo shortage? Just wait, some new and improved waffle variety is waiting in the advertising wings to swoop in and ‘save’ us from waffle oblivion. It’s never as simple as it seems…

  51. So I go to the store to buy some eggos, you know, like any other day… and *gasp* they were all out, except for those nutritious ones, and who buys those right? So I go through any buy all the ingredients to make “real” waffles, although who really knows what “real” is anyway. So, buttermilk, check, eggs, check, pancake mix, check, so i’m ready to make some waffles…

    So my question is, if you permanently burn the waffle pattern into your hand while in the process of making waffles, can you sue the writers of Twilight?

  52. I shit you not, when this story was happening, a local Cincinnati (I ALWAYS spell it wrong) news station came to my office and interviewed us about the waffle shortage. WTF?

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