Japan, part 2 (ish): Tommy Lee Jones needs to mind his own business

OMG, you guys.  I actually published a “part 2” to a post that I labeled “Part 1”.  I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened.  Is there a medal for this, or some sort of ribbon?  If so, please mail one to me.  Unless it’s that bullshit white participant ribbon.  No one wants that ribbon.  Unless you buy it yourself and wear it ironically.  Then it’s kind of awesome.  Or desperate.  One of those.

So where was I?  We’d just landed in Japan and luckily I was still using my journal at the time because I’ve already drank most of these conversations away.  Victor says I just made them up but I didn’t because I even wrote “THIS IS ALL TRUE” with giant arrows in my journal because I knew he’d try that later.  Plus? I have pictures.  Victor is unsupportive and not to be trusted.  Almost all of this is straight from my journal:

***********************************

We just checked into our hotel in Tokyo.  It smells like fish in our room but there are no fish here.  Also, the toilet is frightening me.  There are 6 buttons on the toilet and two handles.  Victor told me I could figure it out and he’s all swaggery because he’s been to Japan before and knows how to work the toilet.  It’s not really something to be proud of, Victor. It’s not like you can put it on your resume.  Whatever. I’ll just hold it.

*************************************

Victor seems to think I’m not going to be able to not use the bathroom all week.  He’s probably right.  I’ll just pee in the shower.

*************************************

Victor says I’m not allowed to pee in the shower so he’s not going to let me go to sleep until I “figure out the toilet”.  Great.  Now I have test-taking anxiety.  And now he’s yelling at me and pounding on the  bathroom door.  I explained that I was busy writing all this down and taking pictures of the toilet.  He just made this exasperated huff like he can’t even believe I brought my camera in the bathroom to take pictures of the toilet.  It’s like he’s never even met me.

*******************************

This is where I had originally written a whole toilet saga but it’s too damn big so instead I’m going to cut it and later make a whole separate entry entitled “And then the toilet tried to destroy my spirit”.  It’s kind of a how-to.  But just the opposite.  Then I conquered the toilet and went to sleep.  It took about 3 hours, which I assume is some sort of a record.  Victor says he assumes so too.

******************************

Day two: This morning Victor’s going to a sword show and I’m meeting a free tour guide, Chicako, who may or may not be part of the Yakuza.  Victor says she’s not but he’s going to take a picture of us together though just in case I end up ransomed.  Except he took the picture with the camera I took with me for the day.  Awesome.  I’m probably going to die violently.

******************************

Took the Tokyo subway to a studio where several people dressed me as a Japanese courtesan.

me geisha

It’s exactly what it sounds like.  (This link leads you to the whole sordid story, which is both embarrassing and only vaguely safe for work.)

******************************************

Chicako took me to an important Castle or a Shrine or something.  I’m not sure.  I just kind of nodded a lot.  It was super pretty though.  Except I don’t think we ever actually got to the castle.  We just walked on a gravel road in the woods.  Which was very cool but also sounds like the beginning of a chainsaw maniac movie but there were a lot of other people around so I hardly even thought about chainsaw maniacs.  Maybe twice the whole time.

Probably none of those people are chainsaw murderers.  Less than half at least.
Probably none of those people are chainsaw murderers. Less than half at least.

Then we got lost.  In the woods.  In Japan.  With an interpreter who was awesome and sweet but didn’t really speak that much English.  Not that I’m judging her because the only phrase I could remember how to say in Japanese was “I tried to fart but poop came out” and when I tried that one she just looked at me strangely.  Probably because I pronounced it wrong. Japanese is hard, y’all.  So then we were in the woods at this fork in the road and it goes off in 4 directions and there are like 175 acres of woods around us and that’s when I’m all “Well, we’re fucked.  We’re going to have to eat each other” except I didn’t want to doubt Chicako’s navigational skills because I was afraid she’d panic so instead I just supportively said “Well, all roads lead to Rome, right?” and she was all “I do not understand” and I’m like “All roads lead to Rome?  It’s just something we say in America.  All roads lead to Rome.  Except that this is Japan so maybe that’s not so applicable because isn’t Japan an island?” and just kind of looked at me and said “What road do you take in America that leads to Rome?” and I’m all “It’s kind of rude to answer a question with another question” but I didn’t say that out loud because technically she’s totally right.  Touché, Chicako.  Why the hell do we say that? So then I’m all “I don’t actually know why we say that at all.  It’s really only applicable if you’re in Europe at the time.  And on a road.”  Then she nodded and walked about 10 steps down one road and we could see the city again.  It was like she was testing me.  I totally passed.

******************************************

Chicako took me to a soba noodle restaurant in Harajuku station.  I walked in and saw a row of empty shoes so I quickly flipped mine off because everyone is barefoot in Japan all the time for some reason.  I didn’t really research that tradition but I totally like it.  Being barefoot is awesome.  Except that there are all these complicated rules about it…like you have to take your shoes off when you walk into someone’s house because it’s a sign of respect, but if you’re mostly naked at the mall because you can’t find a fitting room they ask you to leave.  It’s like Japan was trying to get me arrested.  And then it turns out that the part of the noodle house Chicako took me to sit in is the one part where you’re not supposed to take your shoes off.  And I’m barefoot and we’re sitting with strangers.  Also, the people in the raised, no-shoe area next to us are totally laughing at me.

Chicako said those people were just very cheerful.  I think that's code for "Your ignorance amuses us."
Chicako said those people were just very cheerful. I think that's code for "Your ignorance amuses us."

Awesome.

***************************************

Tommy Lee Jones is fucking everywhere over here.  He’s on practically every vending machine and billboard hawking drinks but instead of saying “This is Tommy Lee Jones” it just says “Boss”.

boss

Me: So you guys really like Tommy Lee Jones over here, huh?

Chicako:  Who?

Me:  That guy on that billboard.  Tommy Lee Jones.

Chicako: O-oh.  You mean “the Boss”.

Me:  I guess so.  His real name is Tommy Lee Jones.  He’s kind of an asshole.

Chicako:  No.  That is the boss.

Me:  No, really, that guy’s a famous American actor.  He lived in my husband’s hometown.  Victor said one time he spit on a guy.

Chicako:  ?

Me:  Or maybe he kicked someone?  I wasn’t really paying attention.  He told me the story like 15 years ago.

Chicako:  He is the Boss.

Me:  No, seriously, he’s kind of an asshole.  Don’t get near him if you ever see him because he’ll probably spit on you.  That guy’s like a llama.

********************************

Chicako and I are waiting on the street toward a market and she tells me we can’t cross right now because there’s a parade going by.

Me:  Huh.  Are those children tied up like prisoners?

Japanese Parade.  Possibly.
Japanese Parade. Possibly.

Chicako:  Yes. It’s a parade.

Me:  Yeah.  Of course it is.

**********************************

Then I took Chicako out for thank-you-cheesecake and we said goodbye and she didn’t seem like she wanted to keep in touch.  Probably because I made her help me buy boobie pudding.  Then I went back to the hotel and told Victor all about my day and he was all “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? These people are all about decorum and respect.  You probably terrified that poor girl” and I was all, “No way. I am full of decorum” and he’s all “I think maybe you don’t know what ‘decorum’ means”  and I’m all “Whatever, dude. You know when I can’t sleep and I go in the living room to watch TV but when I turn on the light the cat squints and mew because the light’s too bright?  I always say ‘Sorry’.  Even though the cat probably doesn’t know what I’m saying and may never say anything back to me.  That’s just the kind of person I am.”  Then Victor was all “What? The cat is never going to talk back to you.” and I’m like “I know. He’s kind of an asshole.  BUT I STILL TRY.  And that’s what decorum is all about.”  Then Victor is all  “That’s what insanity is all about.  Apologizing to cats and expecting them to answer you.” and I’m all “I wouldn’t say I’m ‘expecting’ it.  I’m just saying it would be a pleasant surprise.”  Then Victor sighed all disgustedly and started to walk out except there’s no place to walk to except out in the hall where there’s a vending machine of beer (thank you, Japan) plastered with pictures of Tommy Lee Jones and I’m all “Hey, WTF is up with Tommy Lee Jones everywhere?” and Victor’s like “Yeah, it was like that last year too.  He’s ‘The Boss’ apparently.  He’s kind of an asshole.”

Me:  I KNOW!  That’s what I told Chicako.

Victor:  They should have a showdown between Bruce Springsteen and Tommy Lee Jones.  Like some kinda “Boss” cage match.

Me:  And Tony Danza’d show up right when Bruce and Tommy Lee were both exhausted and barely standing from punching each other and Tony’d be all “Who’s the Boss?  Me, motherfuckers. I’m the boss“.  Plus, he’d win because Mona’s in his corner and she fights dirty.

Victor:  And that’s why I love you.*

*He didn’t actually say that last part out loud but I could totally see it in his eyes when he walked away and locked himself in the bathroom.

Coming up soon…Day 3:  Where the fuck are we?

WTF, Japan.

PS.  On a totally unrelated note, I’m going to be at my first ever book signing in Houston tomorrow (Tuesday the 17th) and you should come.  Also, fair warning, I only contributed like four pages to the Kirtsy book.  That probably works in the book’s favor though.  Also, I’m not getting paid for any of this book stuff so none of this counts as shilling.  So stop stop smirking at me, Tommy Lee Jones. I’m nothing like you.

Comment of the day: I nearly burnt my bum on a heated toilet seat in japan. Ok, it wasn’t that it was hot, but the fact that it was actually warm was a horrific shock to my cheeks, so I nearly fell off it. Who on earth wants to heat the loo seat to the perfect temperature for bacteria to grow on? That’s just asking for trouble. ~ pixielation

102 thoughts on “Japan, part 2 (ish): Tommy Lee Jones needs to mind his own business

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Wouldn’t mind getting me
    Some of that there Tommy Lee
    Though you may not know he was
    In Love Story just becuz
    He was young and starting out
    (Didn’t have that skin like grout)
    Still, he’s hot, so guess he’s good
    Even round the Tokyo hood…

    Tell him this hot mama here
    Has some goodies he won’t fear
    (He could stop the rhyming streak
    if he’d gently poke and peek)

    HEY enjoy your eastern day
    (Gotta do what voices say
    and this wicked quarantine
    til they find the rhyme vaccine…)
    .-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Sudden Outbreak of Rhymatoid ArtWriteUs; CDC Contemplates Next Steps =-.

  2. The toilets in France confuse me. And so really, with the Eiffel Tower in the background there, it leads me to believe that French toilets may be similar to Japanese toilets, in which case I just want to say that if you were able to potty at all while you were there, YOU ARE A ROCK STAR. Also, Tommy Lee Jones is not the boss of anything. I’m almost positive about that.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Spooky little girls like you =-.

  3. Cats talking back to you would be a nice surprise, you are right. Although I think they would probably have a lot of attitude, so the surprise would turn immediately into “FINE, I will scoop your litter box more often, just stop harassing me” so it is probably best they don’t talk in a language we can understand.
    .-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Bill Belichick owes me an apology =-.

  4. At my wedding, the best man made a toast to my husband, The Daver in Japanese, because apparently that’s cool.

    He told The Daver that The Daver had a tiny penis. To an entire roomful of wedding people. I wonder who understood him. Also, I wonder who believed him.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..While I Was Out =-.

  5. Llmas spit. And they hum like they don’t believe what you are saying. You say, “Hello, llama. It’s a beautiful day.” And the llama goes “Hmmm…” like he’s not buying it. Where’s the trust, llamas?

    I hate llamas. Or maybe that’s alpacas. I can never keep them straight.
    .-= Nona´s last blog ..Work is better when you’re half asleep =-.

  6. We’re going to Japan next year, and I so very much want to hire you as our official guide. I’m dying laughing just reading about your trip.

  7. Tokyo Tower!! I have been to the top of that…and was confused as to its purpose there. You are SO RIGHT about the toilets, except I only had two buttons. One for little things and one for big things. HOWEVER, I could never remember which was for what, so I just randomly flushed. Going to Tokyo was an awesome experience and one that I hope to do again!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..BIG Ouch. =-.

  8. I’ve never heard all roads lead to Rome. I’ve heard all roads lead home, which doesn’t really make sense either and I’ve heard “when in Rome”, but never that all roads lead to Rome. Interesting.

    Victor has the patience of a saint. I know this because my husband has the patience of a saint, too.

    Oh and that guy in the tan jacket to the right of the picture about a third of the way up from the bottom… totally a chainsaw murderer. You were THAT CLOSE.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..NaNoWriMo… who knew? =-.

  9. “It’s like he’s never even met me.”

    Ha ha ha ha ha!

    I lived in Argentina for about a year and a half, and you know what they have a LOT of at the Buenos Aires zoo?

    Llamas.

    And alpacas.

    They all have teeth like British people.

    There was a funny ad on the teevee there for some phone company that featured “las llamas que llamen” (the llamas that call).

    *I* thought it was funny.

    My Spanish wasn’t that good.
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Um, I’m PRETTY Sure I Didn’t Say It QUITE That Way =-.

  10. The whole time I was just thinking that the boss is totally Tony Danza so I dont know what the hell Japan is thinking. I wish that billboard had a picture of Tommy Lee Jones eating boobie pudding. It would have been way more effective.
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..How to Get Girls – Lesson 1 =-.

  11. Toilet pictures are coming, I promise you. You’ll have an entire toilet post. That’s how many damn pictures I took of the toilet. Honestly, it’s a little embarrassing.

    Also, “all roads to lead Rome”, y’all. That is TOTALLY a saying. How am I the only one who’s ever heard of it?

    Book signing details: Tuesday, November 17: Houston
    6:00 – 9:00 pm
    Sterrett Street Studio
    1305 Sterrett Street, Houston, TX 77002

  12. I would really like to know what the hell was up with that commercial… I mean it started off all “ohhh… this is for saving the animals”… and then he rips the hat and it’s like “fancy hat commercial?” and then that puppy comes back… and then it’s for some energy drink that makes you a.) shit rainbows or b.) gay… those two do go kinda hand-in-hand, though… I’m so lost… It’s like the world is trying to fuck with me… like the homeless guy last week who asked me for change so he could put a down payment on a platypus… something with this world is just wrong
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Proof that my Hypersexual Blogging/Facebooking are Coming Back to Bite Me in the Ass =-.

  13. All I recall is getting so entranced with the toilet in my hotel room in Tokyo that I must have wasted two hours (guess that beats your record, huh?) experimenting with every button in every position and every orif… well, you get the idea.

    Beats a bidet every time. Except when it comes to washing your feet. But I guess you still could, somehow? Hmmm… food for thought there.

    LCM x
    .-= London City Mum´s last blog ..Life on the outside =-.

  14. cannot WAIT till the toilet post.

    There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.

    Seriously though, I’ve figured out that one lever is a half flush, the other must be a full. And friends have told me about the stuff you find in Japanese loo’s, like music buttons you press if you don’t want to be overheard peeing. So with the TP, that covers 2 of 4 buttons… I’m intrigued.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..B to tha LING =-.

  15. Great Idea Jenny!

    I wrote a book and even though I have sold NONE, I think a book signing is what I need.

    I think I will totally do it in front of my house.

    The book signing that is, not knocking boots in my front yard.

    That is so last week (been there, done that).
    .-= Houston´s last blog ..Master Of Puppets? =-.

  16. Does Victor really go to sword shows? Because if he does, then he probably has swords at home, which totally dissuades me from ringing your doorbell to say how much I enjoy reading your blog for fear he’d slice me in half. Could you please tell him I’m scary looking, but friendly?

    Can’t wait for the toilet post…
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Lost time =-.

  17. New reader, here. Love, love, love you.

    The roads from Rome were spread like the spokes of a bicycle, so the empires roads all lead back to the city center. (in case you really wanted to know…)

  18. If Houston wasn’t on practically the other side of the world, I would so totally be there for your signing.

    Don’t Japanese toilets have massaging sprays? To, er, help things along? Though judging by your video, all you’d actually need to do would be to eat a boobie pudding.
    .-= Pam´s last blog ..To the rescue =-.

  19. I think foreign countries purposely make their bathroom equipment confusing, so as to laugh and mock silly American tourists. As your husband demonstrated, this only ever works the first time they visit but I’m sure they get a kick out of it all the same. Also, most of the hotel bathrooms probably don’t have hidden cameras so they never actually SEE the silly American tourists freaking out, but…yeah.

    You definitely should have just peed in the shower the whole trip. It would have been passive-aggressive and kind of gross and totally awesome.
    .-= Joelle´s last blog ..Wait, wait, wait…..there’s a way to use the word… =-.

  20. “OMG, you guys. ” Really? How very stuffy of you. You go to a foreign country and now you’re a Yankee and can’t say ya’ll like a normal Texan? Is that how it happens? I ran into TLJ in San Antone a few years ago. He was scary, and not in a cool thrilling way, but in an OMG, ya’ll (see how easily it flows?), I think TLJ is a serial killer way.

  21. …swaggery…? My gawd I laughed out loud. I am going to steal that. Do not say that I did not warn you.

    Jesus H. Christ! You just outted Tommy Lee Jones as a Japanese ad whore and cultural icon–not that there’ anything wrong with it, outting him, that is. It’s just that since Victor never told anyone, I never knew until now. Although it makes perfect sense because the Japanese have an age-respecting, macho culture that obviously prefers its Boss(es) on the craggy, if not downright ugly, side.

    Please don’t get me wrong, I love Tommy Lee Jones. He’s the best Robicheaux outside of a James Lee Burke book, not to mention the guy in “The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada” and that sheriff in the Coen Brothers’ interpretation of “No Country for Old Men.” Come to think of it I loved him in “The Missing” as the white guy who goes over to the Native American side, permanently, and the assassin in “The Package.” Oh. My. God. I almost forgot Woodrow Call in “Lonesome Dove.” Damn. If those Japanese advertising execs have seen half as many Tommy Lee Jones films as I have, it’s no wonder they think he’s the Boss. Anyway… Sorry to go off on a tangent… Do you feel guilty about outting him? You being a Texan and all. He looks like he could be an asshole, I admit. But do you believe every bit of hometown hearsay that Victor whispers in your ear? Are you afraid that Tommy Lee Jones is going to come looking for you like William Shatner? Did you ever notice that Bill’s last name is a variation of the past tense of the verb to shit?

    I shit, you shit, he/she/it shits, we shit, you (pl.) shit, they shit
    I shat (yesterday that is), you shat, he/she/it shat, we shat, you (pl.) shat, they shat

    Do you think that’s a sign? That his name is shit in the past, that is?

    I loved your video. You have a great future in videography.
    .-= The Pliers´s last blog .."On The Road Again…" =-.

  22. I don’t have a “Finished Part 2” ribbon, but my daughter got a ribbon at her skating lesson on Sunday that says “I can get up by myself!”

    I thought it would be fun to wear out one night; you know, just incase I fall down. It’s bad enough for your ego to fall down without some jackass coming to pick your sorry embarrassed ass off the floor. Cause you know they just think they’re better than you.

    If you want it though, she probably wouldn’t even notice it was gone. T
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Falling Down is Hard, Getting Up is Harder. Especially When You’ve Been Kicked =-.

  23. hey, we say “Alle Straßen führen nach Rom” here too. but as i live in europe, maybe there really ARE some roads going there. i wouldn’t know though. i just discovered your blog some days ago via an article that declared your twitter profile one of the ten most hilarious ones and i found that to be true. i’ll still continue reading here even though you wanted to take a shit while flying over germany and there was a 0.008 % chance you would have crapped on my head. it’s a good thing your plane took a different route. 🙂
    so, hi and good night again, as i’m going to bed now to let myself be diagnosed with swine flu tomorrow. bonne chance.

  24. I wonder if Tommy Lee Jones did a men’s lipstick ad like Joey did on “Friends.” I like TLJ as an actor but I can believe he’d be a bit of a douche in person. He seems like the type.
    .-= Laurie Ann´s last blog ..Bad merchandising =-.

  25. I can’t believe Bruce Springsteen hasn’t been over there to kick someone’s ass yet.

    Brilliant post as usual.

  26. Don’t you see that Chicako’s volunteerism is like a metaphor for your life? It pisses me off that you aren’t getting any shillings or pences or yens for your work. Its time you wrote your damn book, and took a tour like those Cake Wrecks people and got famous and got money. Because I want blogs from the book tour bus, and stories about your groupies, unless I’m involved. Then I get to blog about that. Make it happen, Jenny the Bloggess. If you can’t write a best seller, who can?
    .-= Love´s last blog ..When the apocalypse gets here, I’m screwed =-.

  27. I totally know the expression “all roads lead to Rome” – it originated in the Roman empire like two thousand years ago when Rome was at the centre of everything. It doesn’t make a lot of sense in the modern world, of course – now it’s much more metaphorical 🙂
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Okay, so maybe "Sabbath" was yesterday? =-.

  28. Hi, your intern here, reporting for duty:

    “All roads lead to Rome”…Modern wording of medieval sentiment; apparently originally a reference to Roman roads generally and the Milliarium Aureum (Golden Milestone) specifically.

    Wanna know how to say it in Latin? Guess what, intern strikes again
    “Mille viae ducunt homines per saecula Romam”

    The earliest English use you ask? You guessed it, your intern has done the work for you (again, sigh)
    “Right as diverse pathes leden the folk the righte wey to Rome.” in Treatise on the Astrolabe (Thank you Chaucer)

    And finally, for all you folks that (gasp) had never heard this proverb before (scoff)
    basically it means different paths can take one to the same goal

    Signing off for the day, (Ill add my fee to your bill)

    ~Your Intern
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Kitchen Insecurities =-.

  29. Have you ever wondered if your tour guide is now walking around telling everyone she knows about this crazy american chick that thought she was in Rome, couldn’t use a toilet and who had the nerve to call ‘the boss’ an asshole? She probably is. She might even start a blog about it and how sucky her job is. Except you wouldn’t know because it would be in Japanese. Only Victor could help you translate it but he would probably just laugh at it and tell you it was ‘TOTALLY not about you. At all. No, really. *snicker*”

    Just saying.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’ =-.

  30. So…who the hell is Tommy Lee Jones the boss of? Like, was that little Chicako chick scared of “The Boss”? Maybe he’s like “The pimp” of the Geishas or whatever the hell they clowned you up like. And maybe that’s why Chicako was all pretending not to know what you meant when you totally called her on the prostitute thing. Tommy Lee Jones probably bitch slaps his hoes, then spits on them.
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..I suck at being a skinny bitch =-.

  31. We tried to potty train our son here in Japan, but every time we left him alone in the toilet room, he would come out drenched with toilet water. We finally realized that he was pushing BOTTOM WASH on the toilet, but his little bottom didn’t cover the whole seat- so he was really just making a fountain.
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..The New Lust =-.

  32. I am concerned that you are thinking of Tommy Lee and not the nice guy that helped out Richard Kimble in The Fugitive. He’s like a big teddy bear once you peel back the tough exterior. Like an orange, wait orange juice stings the eyes when you peel it. How about like an egg, yuck that means he’s runny inside…alright fine, you win Bloggess, I’ll take your word for it!
    .-= Chas Underwood III´s last blog ..#70 – Personal Chefs =-.

  33. OMG, not only are you the funniest thing since well, I don’t know what but some of your commentators are almost as funny. I blew coffee out my nose on the “the pope just past me in his hummer” line! So you know I too peed myself reading about your adventures in Japan. Can’t wait to read the next installments.
    Is there a picture of Victor somewhere? I am curious as to what this man must look like.

    And there is of course a saying that goes “all roads lead to Rome”. I would have thought everybody totally would know that!

    Love ya, Jen! Keep on bloggessing!
    .-= Cher´s last blog ..Elvis Sings Blue Christmas on New Verizon Commercial =-.

  34. When I was in the Navy, we once stopped overnight in Lajes. My friends and I snuck off base to party at a local club. No lie, I had to ask the bartender how to flush the toilet. So, thanks for a post that both made me laugh and brought back some fond memories!

  35. Totally heard the phrase “All roads lead to Rome” before you said it. They said it on Spaceship Earth at Epcot. See, Disney World is totally educational.

  36. This has nothing to do with anything you posted other than it is weird, like boobie pudding weird (did you realize you’ve made my bizarro scale?imaginary button ceremony commences…). Anyway, we find really strange things all the time searching for items for our clients…this came up trying to find a certain decoy for duck hunters. You can personalize them when you order in bulk.:
    http://hrrxs.sabey.servertrust.com/product_p/81023.htm

  37. Marc did some computery work for T.L.J. in San Antonio back in the day. Total asshat. Also, there is a Rhome, Texas that is near Fort Worth. Perhaps all Texas roads lead there, which is a good thing, since you are so bad at directions that eventually you will end up there and I’ll know where to find you.

  38. Also, just noticed that Rhome is right next to Fairview (and New Fairview). Your GPS is for sure taking you there next time you go to Moms.

  39. I hear those music-playing, butt-warming & fragrance-spewing ass fountain toilets are amazing, and all the rage in Japan.right now. You press one button and WHOOSH it simultaneously transforms into an Easy Bake oven, a snowcone machine AND Tommy Lee Jones.

    And that’s why he’s considered the boss there.

    Amen.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Great First Impression =-.

  40. okay…I didn’t read ALL the comments, but from the ones I have read I’m beginning to think I’m alone in my initial question about the Japanese hotel toilet……….

    Was there a brick of cocaine in it???????????????
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..All Al =-.

  41. ”That’s what insanity is all about. Apologizing to cats and expecting them to answer you.” is totally my facebook status right now. oh, how i love you.

  42. Tommy Lee Jones is advertising “Boss Coffee” (which is a popular brand of vending machine coffee in Japan – it’s been a while since I was there, so I don’t know the ad campaign)
    My impression is Geisha were/are really more like supermodels or beauty queens than prostitutes. Paid to be sexy rather than paid to have sex. I guess when you’re at the top of the tree in whatever culture you don’t have sleep with just anyone.

    Ihara Saikaku’s “Life of an Amorous Woman” is probably a good read for understanding the sex industry in “Samurai-era” Japan:
    http://www.amazon.com/Amorous-Writings-UNESCO-Collection-Contemporary/dp/0811201872

  43. “Tony’d be all “Who’s the Boss? Me, motherfuckers. I’m the boss“. Plus, he’d win because Mona’s in his corner and she fights dirty.”

    So yeah. That was a total waste of perfectly good Shiraz Up. Through. My. Nose.
    .-= rougeneck´s last blog ..For Realz, Yo! =-.

  44. Congrats on being a published author! Book signing is a big deal, and I hope you will be dressed up as a ninja or a Japanese courtesan for that event. Then nobody will care the fact that you only contributed 4 pages to that book. Besides, yours are probably the funniest 4 pages anyway. Genius! Are you sure the last picture was taken in Japan? And NOT Las Vegas? And seriously, dude, Tommy Lee Jones could not be such a jerk if he is advertising gay-friendly coffee. I interpreted the commercial as: Depressed in life because you don’t know how to come out? Drink the Rainbow Boss coffee to tell your loved ones, and everybody around you actually, that you are not only gay, you are also the boss of your destiny. So they can bite you if they don’t like it.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Social Networking =-.

  45. Completely off-topic and so not even vvaguely Japan related but…

    I so had a dream about you last night in which we built a giant tree house in NY and then discussed if we had an acceptable snack to tweet ratio. I don’t even know what that means. Get out of my dreams!

  46. I’d like to contribute some knowledge to this here discussion, as I somehow recall a story regarding the proverb “All roads lead to Rome”, told by my history teacher in high school, currently unemployed, Ed Scissorhead I believe his name was:
    Apparently during the Roman Empire, which was approximately in the past, two drunk dudes were trying to find a fine little whore house they’d heard of near near Rome in what is known today as some Italian village with an Italian name, and it seems they were constantly getting lost and ending up in Rome, which in those days was rather big, as it was an empire, so it wasn’t that difficult to unintentionally find yourself there, and as they were drunk, for all history knows they could have been walking around the Eiffel tower for hours, till finally one said: Dude, fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going home. And the other dude went, what? You wanna fuck all toads in Rome? And the first dude said, dude, no, I said I’m bored and I’m going home. And the other dude said yeah, I want to find a whore and get some too. And the first dude said, whatever dude, Now, which road gets me home? And the other dude said, didn’t you just say something about that? And then the first dude punched the second in the face and went home, and when dude 2 woke up all he could remember was that sentence he thought he had heard: All roads lead to Rome. And as things turned out he became a famous writer, who wrote the story that the excellent film Gladiator was based on. And to this day the proverb lives, and anyone with some classical education knows it means: Take me to a prostitute.
    .-= Josh Almighty´s last blog ..Welcome Gaybots =-.

  47. Why the Boss coffee people picked TLJ as a spokesman, I have no idea. I would think the idea of ending up looking like him would scare a person off of consuming the product! Maybe it’s more an intimidation thing like, “Drink our coffee or this guy will beat you up. Or spit on you.”

    I’ve heard the expression “All roads lead to Rome.” It always reminds me of that ’70s country song, “All Roads Lead to You” which I now have stuck in my head. Thanks a lot!

  48. I was feeling really sad and then I read this post and laughed so hard (while trying to keep it quietly under wraps that I’m perusing the interwebs) that people at work probably thought I was sobbing and/or choking in my cubicle. Thank you! You’re my new favorite.

  49. Any nation that promotes drinks with spokesperson Tommy Lee Jones deserves some serious respect.

    And lots of pity.

    The reason we say all roads lead to Rome is because it’s in Alabama, Georgia, New York, etc.
    Trouble is, you won’t know which direction you’re going. And maybe not even Why—-
    Just like the Bloggess in Japan.

    A couple more trips there and Jen’ll be on a first name basis with all of ’em. . .or at least the ones that shit in their pants.

  50. Japan, rocks! I think you’re just weird… I mean I’ve never been, but it’s colorful and they string child prisoners along in the streets, how could you not love that??
    I think with the freaky toilet thing, you should just piss in the bed with Victor! Yeah! He’ll totally understand your struggle after that!
    GL
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..The Life of A Mom…Poop In The Fingernails!! =-.

  51. And this? TOTALLY proves you’re married to the right guy – he thinks JUST like you 😉
    “Victor: They should have a showdown between Bruce Springsteen and Tommy Lee Jones. Like some kinda “Boss” cage match.”

  52. One of my friends regaled with her own Japanese toilet story just the other day at playgroup. While visiting her brother in Japan, she made use of the public restroom in a crowded restaurant. Totally confused by all the button choices, she randomly pushed a button. Next thing you know, sirens are going off and employees are rushing into the bathroom. Apparently there’s a button on the toilet in case you’re getting raped in the bathroom. Handy, no?

  53. Here’s hoping you are still in Japan, go KitKat mad while you are there, apparently there are seasonal flavours, and regional flavours, weird ones like Green Tea Kit Kat’s. There is also a blog out there somewhere just about all the random KitKat flavours that they have in Japan – who would have thought the Japanese would eat so much chocolate.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Christmas Lights of London =-.

  54. OOOHHHH Japan! I have never been. I heard they call us butterstinkers because we are vile, unkempt and light years less civilized than they are. Also, our diets make them want to vomit. These could all be tiny nuggest of misinformation that someone gave me to play head games , but I suspect these things to be true.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..In the Waiting Room =-.

  55. So this is beyond late and creepy and weird but WE WERE IN JAPAN AT THE EXACT SAME TIME and i totally had the identical conversation re “the boss” with a nice Japanese lady except i was all “don’t you think he looks like a rapist” and she was all “… what is rapist” and i was all “like when you’re walking home late at night and a guy jumps out and forces you to touch his penis but its not like the hot roleplay you did with your ex its ACTUAL rape, you know?” and she was all :O WTF.

    I love Japan.

  56. HA! My comment is awaiting moderation. I’m going to go ahead and say DONT ALLOW THIS TO BE POSTED.

  57. My son is in Japan as we speak and sent me a pic of a toilet with a question mark. I told him I could totally help him out but due to a recent move and boxes everywhere, I cannot find my copy of Furiously Happy. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need to bother with the boob washing function although it is Furiously Hot and if I were there I would indeed need the boob washing function but he lacks the sweat forming cleavage so maybe he’s okay there. But can you remind me what the other buttons are for so I can help him out?

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