A Thanksgiving poem written from my in-laws home, which was flooded with two inches of toilet water and now has all the carpet padding torn out and giant industrial blowers deafeningly forcing wind into the holes drilled into the drywall by a myriad of sweaty strangers who would probably prefer not to be working over the holidays.

in Random Crap

My Thanksgiving day poem:

Thanksgiving comes but once a year,

Thank. Fucking. God.

The end.

PS.  This post was longer but I took out all the stuff about toilet water so that it was more relatable  to the mainstream public.  Unless you’re also celebrating Thanksgiving in a house that was just flooded with two inches toilet water.  Then you’re probably my husband.  I have another poem for you.  It’s called “I never want to hear you complain about my parent’s occassional lack of running water again.”

Comment of the day: I wish you’d fucking stop plagiarizing Emily Dickinson. No wonder you don’t have one of them “Blogging with Integrity” badges on your sidebar. ~ Marinka

97 thoughts on “A Thanksgiving poem written from my in-laws home, which was flooded with two inches of toilet water and now has all the carpet padding torn out and giant industrial blowers deafeningly forcing wind into the holes drilled into the drywall by a myriad of sweaty strangers who would probably prefer not to be working over the holidays.”

Read comments below or add one.

  7. So I take it you’re imploring Thanksgiving to only come once a year?

    That’s cool – I eat way too much on Thanksgiving anyway. Well, from Thanksgiving to after Mardi Gras. Some time after Mardi Gras. Like probably to the beginning of November.

    Um, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

  14. Did the pilgrims complain about the lack of running water? No, they were THANKFUL for the things they had and thus the holiday was born. Your parents probably staged the whole thing to enforce a thanksgiving message. Obvi.

  19. That poem rules. I’m going to print it and frame it and hang it over my table next Thanksgiving.

    I can’t help but feel that I’m getting screwed here. Canada has Thanksgiving in October and my bathroom ceiling is collapsing, so not only do we have to duck to shower, we also get full access to the bath water from the apartment above us! I, for one, would have appreciated the toilet water bits.
    .-= Tracy´s last blog ..Dinnertime! =-.

  20. This could only happen to you. The universe is a mystery. Without the overflowing toilet, your posts might have been banal. Have a good one, none the less. Oh, and Crocs (which I abhor) would’ve come in handy.

  22. Good poem! My sentiments exactly!! I hope the turkey doesn’t taste like sewer water to you. You know, most of taste is smell–so just dont’t breathe when you’re eating.

    Love (but only in a brotherly way and accompanied with a manly handshake and pat-on-the -back to Victor),

    Bic
    .-= Bic´s last blog ..The True Meaning of Thanksgiving =-.

  24. Ah, nothing classier than celebrating a major holiday ankle-deep in water from the shitter.

    …’Cause you know that’s just how the Pilgrims did it.

  26. OHMYGOD! The same thing happened to me once. Except it was on Christmas. And it was coming from upstairs. Right over the dining room table. We ate on the floor of the living room because the couches were white. It was the MOST FUN EVER.

  28. I agree with the advice given to not drink too much – I know that whenever I drink too much I have to go to the washroom approximately every 4.7 minutes and if that’s where the problem started in the first place I think I’d try to avoid aggravating it and making the whole damned thing happen again.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Note to Self 1 =-.

  29. Screw it. Drink up. There’s already toilet overflow everywhere. Just pee when and where you need to. Perhaps it would be more efficient to remove your pants before drinking.

  30. I think Sarah meant, “Try not to drink too much toilet water.” Surely she wasn’t referencing alcohol, that would be criminal.

  35. OK, you win. All I had to do today was drag the rotting corpse of a deer into the woods. Apparently, he mistook my deck for a rival male and challenged it to a head-butting contest. The deck won. Horrible smell but at least that was outside.

    Come to think of it, though, I’m not all that surprised about the plumbing problems. You cram too many people into one house and feed them all that crap, you’re pretty much asking for it. I wonder if anyone’s ever graphed emergency plumbing calls versus major holidays. I bet there’s an Ig-Nobel Prize in there somewhere.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#105 Turkey Day =-.

  37. I heard a story on NPR about non-traditional Thanksgiving traditions…and one of them was a family that all wrote poems each year…every year…that sounds like hell to me. HELL on Earth!!

    I like your poem though. Short, sweet, to-the-point.
    Amen.
    .-= Rhea´s last blog ..My Non-Thanksgiving Post =-.

  41. Are you at my mother-in-law’s? Seriously. She wrote me a long email about how they had no water at all because of some sort of leak that required them to shut off ALL water to the house for several days because her husband Moris-With-Only-One-S hadn’t called the City about it.

    Seriously though, I just came back from the hospital where my poor Long Suffering Spouse is spending the night and probably the weekend because we figured out today he has a clot in his lung. The good news is that it’s all as good as it can possibly be under the circumstances (it’s a lovely new hospital and not a nasty old Russian hospital). But still. The dude is depressed he’s going to be stuck there for the whole weekend.
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Let the Holidays Commence! =-.

  44. I have written several haikus in your honor:

    It is turkey day!
    Toilet water overflowed
    The fans are too loud

    Hi! It’s Thanksgiving!
    Sweaty strangers in basement
    Love in all our hearts

    Occasional water
    Stinky, flooded basement
    No comparison
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Roommates: Part 3 =-.

  45. Somehow, I should have known that a Bloggess-and-Victor-Thanksgiving would in some way have to involve toilet water. James Garfield would’ve known what to do.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Food Foto Festival =-.

  47. you gotta write a christmas poem, then a Hanukkah poem. I’ll share them with my outlaws and my inlaws. My outlaws enjoyed your thanksgiving poem that we read to thanksgiving shots of jack. I hope you can brush your teeth tonight!

  48. Oh how the holidays bring families together! This story reminds me of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation…. this is before all of the bad National Lampoon movies….. but if it isn’t one thing it is another 🙂 My solution just drink and take it all in.

  49. Is that haiku? You friggin’ rock. Why do cool things keep on happening to you?! You have a fairy godmother or something?

    (In all seriousness, if you were being serious about the toilet water, I am very sorry. No, I am being serious. That’s some serious shit. No pun intended.) XXOO. Hope you have better luck on Black Friday. Maybe they have a sale at the Estate sale?!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..How pumpkin pies are made… =-.

  52. Dude, that poem was on a metaphysical level few can attain.

    I’d like to hear William Shatner perform that on the next Conan. The place would be jumping!

  54. I linked to your post yesterday. This morning I awoke from a drug induced Thanksgiving-erasing coma to find an email from (an already productively at work) Ms. Bic: “You need to fix your Blogess post and add an “s” to “come.”

    A true literary quandary has ensued. You wrote “come” not “comes.” I quoted you directly. We’re both right as far as I’m concerned. So’s Ms. Bic. Fuck.

    I just added “sic.”

    Is that sick?

    Fuck it. I’m getting more coffee. I feel a headache coming on.

    Maybe we should elope?
    .-= Bic´s last blog ..A Thanksgiving Poem =-.

  60. My house has been flooded and full of those huge fans and strangers too many times in the past two years. I totally feel your in-laws’ pain. Really. Nothing crappier than knowing that your biggest cash expenditure is rotting under your feet!

  62. Here’s my Thanksgiving Haikus.

    Thirty is too old
    to be at the kids’ table
    unwed must mean kid

    Turkey is burning
    I get to set the table
    Kids get the easy jobs
    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..What?…What? =-.

  67. Guess I was not the only one that had a crapy day of giving thanks… it totally SUCKED !

    Did I mention I HATE THANKSGIVING? ? ?

  69. we heard on the radio (Canadian radio lol) that there was a sale on lap tops for $200 somewhere down there in america lol and a huge brawl broke out and they had to evacuate the store and stop the sale hahaha, wish we had a shopping day like that
    .-= Elaine-´s last blog ..Coco and me =-.

  71. Bummer – a Haiku

    An “s”, now added
    My past post now meaningless
    What a bummer, dude

  72. Here’s an idea we (my 12 year old and I) came up with on the way to my sisters home-

    Stuff a Sham-Wow down your pants and you don’t have to stop and pee on your trip. We estimated 6.5 ShamWows would get you New York to LA.

    Maybe you should hand them out at Christmas.
    .-= Bj in Dallas´s last blog ..Set Me Free, Why Don’t Cha Babe =-.

  73. Me: Hey Dad, what are those jump drives in the side of your tv? Dad: Oh, those are my vacation pictures… from the last 7 years. I set up my tv to run a slideshow. I’ll show you. The pictures I’ve already showed you on my computer. But bigger. During the football game that you seem to be enjoying so much. Me: Actually, I was thinking of driving forks into the bottom of my feet and running around naked in front of all your friends, because that seems more like something I want to do right now. Dad: Ok then. This is your step mom at a market near the coliseum. In Rome. Me: You should go to the one in Detroit. Oh, you know what? We can see it on TV. Let me show you.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Ralph Macchio: King of Kings =-.

  76. It sounds like you had quite the craptastic time, love your poem just another example of your genius

  77. clearly you belong on the team of writers that write the crap for the Hallmark Specials. You’d make them soooo much better.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..All Al =-.

  79. I think that should be a greeting card. I’d totally send that to a lot of people.

    Could we change it to christmas and get it on a t-shirt? I’m pretty sure my hubby would wear it. Every damn day.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Turkey Day…survived! =-.

  80. How about a system whereby we have EITHER Thanksgiving or Christmas in any given year. It could be done by lottery, or the Bloggess could just pull the winner out of a hat. Or a bowl.
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Sweaty Palms =-.

  87. I’m leaving this comment entirely for either your ego or your entertainment (quite possibly both). i work at a call center, so my days are spent wandering the wonder that is the world wide web aimlessly, usually finding nothing. I just spent an entire workday reading this blog, fluctuating between annoying supervisors and confusing customers with my random laughter. Your entertainment value is through the roof mam, You have gained a new reader.
    PS: I live on an island in Canada that i believe is technically within, or very close to, the arctic circle. so, here’s to your ability to branch out!
    Cheers,
    Your new Canadian enthusiast

  88. ok. i just have to say something. apparently the sewage had an attack planned for thanksgiving. you are the sixth…yes i said SIXTH person i know of that had a toilet disaster on thanksgiving. i myself also experienced a toilet issue. with the backing up and poo water.

    horrible.

    fuck. the. turkey.
    .-= Loco YaYa´s last blog ..thankful for…notmuch. =-.

  89. OMG! One of my family’s fondest Thanksgiving memories is the year WE had toilet water all over the floor. It involved an elementary school aged younger brother, a mid-meal potty break, and an oriental rug. It took a while for the water to slowly and silently creep its way down the hall, down the steps into the sunken dining room. No one was the wiser as we passed mashed potatoes around. Glad your family could enjoy the same kind of …memorable moment. Now our family tradition is to bring it up to embarrass said younger brother each year. He’s 30.
    .-= Chelsea´s last blog ..Spread The Warmth – Support Embrace =-.

  93. My friends returned home from a Thanksgiving away to find their lower level filled with shit-water. They moved to a hotel for like a month until it was all fixed. Tree roots and sewer pipes should not be allowed to commingle.
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Blaaaahg =-.

  94. My 10 reasons why my Thanksgiving 2009 sucked (no joking or exaggeration) and why my husband and I looked back at Thanksgiving 2008 (which we cancelled and spent in bed due to bad mall sushi giving us food poisoning) fondly:

    Friend 1 arrives with her 3 kids under age 4 – (1) spills motor oil on driveway (we rent) and herself. I throw her pants in the washing machine, we have a coffee. Her eldest daughter comes up to us 15 minutes later and tells us that (2) the laundry room is flooded and the water is spilling into the hall. We start mopping it up. (3) I slip, fall, slam head into wall then full body slam onto flooded floor.

    Rest of guests arrive – friend 2 with 3yo and baby, friend 3 with 4 yo and baby.

    Dinner goes along well except (4) due to inclement weather all 18 of us crammed into a space that is comfy for 6 people. Hubby and I get 1 piece of turkey each.

    Just as we’re relaxing, (5) 2 year old loses contest of her (and at least 3 other kids’) bladder on a chair. This (6) triggers a second kid to run to the bathroom and not quite make it, losing contents of HER bladder on bathroom floor. While this is being cleaned, another kid has to go so I take her to the second (uncleaned) bathroom. While waiting for her (her request) she informs me that (7) some kid I dimly remember seeing at her house the previous month told her I was so fat he was scared of me. (I’m size 16/18 – not People of Walmart fat).

    I come off this emotional downer when (8) another kid falls off the back of sofa and puts her foot through her front window.

    The day after, I spent crawling around the house (literally cuz of (3) ) cleaning carpet stains. Spent too much time close to the chemicals and nose felt burny. Next day (9) sinus infection that has had me knocked out for a week.

    What makes it all worse? (10) I live in freakin’ AUSTRALIA and really only hold Thanksgiving to satisfy my sappy homesickness that crops up this time of year.

    Husband suggested that for the cost and hassle, next year we could rent a place by the beach for the weekend, cook turkey dinner for two and come out winners.

    Think I’ll book it now…
    .-= KerryJ´s last blog ..Covering eDayz09 – today’s coverage/tomorrow’s schedule =-.

  95. We were gone for the week before Thanksgiving this year. A hot water pipe had broken in the upstairs bathroom while we were gone. The ceiling in the kitchen below the bathroom collapsed, destroying all the cabinetry below. Four-inches of hot water destroyed all the downstairs carpet and furnishings, including some antiques. The sauna created by the water damaged several pieces of original art. Large fans and dehumidifiers, Ta Rah!

    Our Thanksgiving prayer: Thank God we are not working!

  97. Australia does not celebrate Thanksgiving.
    Thank. Fucking. God.

    Australia celebrates a horse race.
    Every. Fucking. Year.

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