For the love of James Garfield

in bizarre, conversations, I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, James Garfield for Sainthood, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

When I say the name “James Garfield” if it means anything to you other than “that amazingly awesome were-bear-hog thing that Jenny was robbed of because her husband didn’t understand the importance of James Garfield” then you need to stop reading this and go read this first. Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Done?

Good.  Because I spent an entire week mourning the loss of James Garfield.  I brought him up constantly.  I showed pictures of him to my in-laws during Thanksgiving dinner.  Every time Victor made a joke I was all “Oh, James Garfield would have loved that” and then I’d look longingly out the window and sigh.  It was distressing for everyone concerned.  Mostly for me and James Garfield.

Then, this afternoon, Victor said he wanted to drive around and so I stuck my nose in a book and when I looked up THERE WAS JAMES GARFIELD.  I mean, not *right* there but it was the house that James Garfield was from, so close enough, and I screamed “OH MY GOD, THIS IS JAMES GARFIELD’S HOUSE” and Victor was all “Well, I was going to see if I could talk them down to $50 for that damn thing so you’d shut up about it but looks like they’re closed” and I’m all “RING THE DOORBELL!  MAKE THEM GIVE YOU JAMES GARFIELD” and Victor kind of huffed in disgusted sort of way but it was that defeated kind of huff where you can tell that they’ve already given up all hope and he went to the door and disappeared into the house and just when I started to think that he’d been murdered and that I’d lost both my husband and James Garfield he stepped back outside AND HIS ARMS WERE JAMES GARFIELDLESS.  So I’m all “Where is James Garfield?  Did someone else get him?  Did you get their credit card number because maybe we can track him” and Victor was all “No. No one bought him and the guy inside asked me if you needed therapy” and I’m all “No he didn’t” and he’s all “Yeah, he did.  I said ‘Sorry to bother you but my wife is obsessed with that giant stuffed pig and so if you still have it I’d like to make you an offer‘ and the guy at the door said ‘Really?  Is your wife in therapy?‘  True story.”  Then I just kind of glared at Victor because this wasn’t really answering my primary question of where the hell is James Garfield and turns out that the guy wouldn’t take $50 because he said that “the tusks were worth $60” and he’d sooner just pull out James’ teeth and sell them on Ebay and this is when I lost. my. shit. I’m all “HE’S GOING TO DISMEMBER JAMES GARFIELD?!”  (There isn’t a font big enough to portray my indignation here but it was palpable.  Like, so much so that it woke up Hailey in the backseat and she was all “Hey, isn’t this the house where we saw James Garfield?”)  Then Victor was like “I am not paying $90 for that thing” and I’m all “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!”  And seriously, I was really kind of pissed because 1) that guy was totally holding James Garfield hostage and was clearly part of the mafia and 2) because why are we even having this discussion? JUST PAY THE GUY AND GET JAMES GARFIELD IN THE DAMN CAR.  Then Victor sighed really loudly and went back inside and like 5 minutes later he came out of the house carrying James Garfield like some kinda goddamn American hero.

James Garfield and Victor. This is my favorite picture ever.
James Garfield and Victor. This is like, my favorite picture of Victor *ever*.

Honestly, I cried a little.  Hailey clapped and cheered.  Victor had his eyes rolled so far back in his head that I was surprised he could still see.  James Garfield looked like if he was alive he would have licked Victor in gratitude.

I mean, James Garfield is happy. Not Victor. Victor wasn't really happy at all. Victor was *chagrined* at best.
I mean, James Garfield is happy. Not Victor. Victor was *chagrined* at best.

IT WAS AWESOME.  Except that Victor was still pissed off that I made him spend $90 on a stuffed pig so I told him that James Garfield would totally make that money up.  This is where you come in.  I need 9 of you to buy a handmade James Garfield Xmas/Hanukah card for $10.  Handmade by me.  Lovingly. Blank or made out to you with a special greeting.  Or I can make it an angry hate-mail and send it anonymously to that bitch in the next cubicle that you hate so much.  Whatever you want.  And I’ll stick a Bloggess sticker in there too.  Just email me if you’re in.  (jenny@thebloggess.com)   And if more than 9 of you actually want a card I’ll use the extra cash to engrave a brass nameplate that says something like, “The Irrepressible James Garfield“.

Victor says it should say “The Unreturnable James Garfield.”  Victor is on thin ice.

But right now, James Garfield is looking down at me and practically daring me not finish my book.  James Garfield is paying for himself.  In motivation.

Hailey is playing me in this picture. Also, yes. I have a lot of shit on my desk.
Hailey is playing me in this picture. Also, that pink thing is a paper rose. Not a used kleenex. Thought I should clarify.

Victor says “motivation won’t pay the water bill”.  I’m all, “We pay for water?”

Victor is refusing to talk to me.  Probably because he’s embarrassed that he got suckered into paying for water.

Comment of the day: Never has there been a more pure expression of love than buying your wife the mangled boar’s head she’s been dreaming of.  Diamonds are forever, but boar’s heads are fucking AWESOME and they cost, like, $300 less than diamonds so Victor pretty much made the best choice ever. He shouldn’t feel chagrined. He should feel like a fucking provider. ~ Allie

304 thoughts on “For the love of James Garfield”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. AWESOMEness!! I live in Houston, can I make a pilgrimage to see THE James Garfield? I, mean, wow, just wow. And if I can make said pilgrimage, can I hug Victor?

    Such. freakin’. coolness. in the H-Town!

  2. Oh, forgot to mention, I’d pay a $10 “entrance fee” to see James Garfield on said pilgrimage if that helps any…

  5. I left this on your last post, but i figured I would leave it again at risk of you not getting a chance for the ego boost you so greatly deserve.
    I’m leaving this comment entirely for either your ego or your entertainment (quite possibly both). i work at a call center, so my days are spent wandering the wonder that is the world wide web aimlessly, usually finding nothing. I just spent an entire workday reading this blog, fluctuating between annoying supervisors and confusing customers with my random laughter. Your entertainment value is through the roof mam, You have gained a new reader.
    PS: I live on an island in Canada that i believe is technically within, or very close to, the arctic circle. so, here’s to your ability to branch out!
    Cheers,
    Your new Canadian enthusiast

  6. Thank you for explaining the paper rose but why is there a giant beard on your computer screen? It’s distracting me from James Garfield…unless that beard is a costume for James Garfield. That would be AWESOME!
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Turkey, Turkey, Turkey… =-.

  9. OMFG! That totally brightened my week up.

    Thank you James Garfield!

    (I was trying not to laugh so hard that my silent giggles shook the bed)

    P.S- Congrats on your new addition!

  12. I’m SO happy for you that James Garfield is finally home! And look! He totally fits in with the Mona Lisa and the Stuffed T-Rex Head!
    Ooooooh Shiny Mac! Figure out how to use it yet?

  15. Omg hubby & I laughed so hard we woke up our 5 month so son but it was so worth it. I am divorcing hubby because he would NOT do what Victor did good to know now hasn’t beed 2 yrs. Thanks girl & love James Garfield!

  16. Oh, and Victor’s pretty hot when he’s carrying James Garfield. You three should have a threesome sometime!

  18. ok, first off, please know that I understand the magic that is James Garfield. But not to mean or anything but james garfield kinda scares me crapless. I’d have nightmares that he’d come to life, jump off the wall, bodiless…and eat me.
    .-= JenJenK´s last blog ..LAUSD Coffee Cake =-.

  24. Never has there been a more pure expression of love than buying your wife the mangled boar’s head she’s been dreaming of.

    Diamonds are forever, but boar’s heads are fucking AWESOME and they cost, like, $300 less than diamonds, so Victor pretty much made the best choice ever. He shouldn’t feel chagrined. He should feel like a fucking provider.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Land Sharks: Why We’re All Fucked. =-.

  25. I mean… I’m sure Victor would be really cool with that.
    It’s probably why he’s avoiding you, actually; the thought’s crossed his mind but he doesn’t know how you’d feel about him bringing it up. Anyways, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

  29. Reunited and it feels so goooood! Don’t you just know that James Garfield would have shed some tears if his preserved eye sockets allowed it.

  32. I sent my sister a link to your site and the very same day she saw a wild javelina (James Garfield’s cousin?). It was meant to be.

  34. I just learned that if you want a boar’s meat to not taste rank and be destined to pepperoni, you have to castrate him six months before killing to let the testosterone course out of his system. Kinda sad we will never know his history, whether or not he was ever eunuchized, that sort of thing. Well, bygones. Here’s to his future Chez Jenny!
    .-= Deb´s last blog ..I really want to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, if they’ll let me =-.

  35. I totally want a card but I would not be able to pay you for like two weeks because that is when I get paid SO SO SO… if you still need or want card-buyers in 14 days PLZ TO BE LETTING ME KNOW.

    I am so jealous of James Garfield. All my husband got me for my desk is a Superman hat and a Michael Jackson tote bag. Which, okay, are awesome, especially in tandem, but THEY ARE NO STUFFED PIG’S HEAD.
    .-= sarawr´s last blog ..How does it feel when you’re out on your own?* =-.

  40. That is the most romantic story I have ever heard. I love it. Your husband loves you from the very bottom of his heart. Ya can’t buy that kind of love. Well, I guess you can if you have $90.

  41. So, your hubby begrudgingly paid $90 in order for James Garfield to hang over your workstation? Remind him that he’s likely paid more for hangovers in the past… Congrats on your coup! ; )
    Steve

  43. SOOOOO happy for you. I’m sure you and James Garfield will have a magical life together, with or without Victor. (Who really is a hero here, I might add.)

  50. Absolutely. A Christmas card with James Garfield on it. Totally. Or a Kwanza card. Or an Athiest card. James Garfield can do pretty much any holiday. He’s extremely versatile.

  51. What’s more messed up, that you were depressed about James Garfield all weekend, or that I kept thinking about how sad I was for you that you didn’t get him? Because honest-to-Google, I thought about that more times than I’d like to admit.

    And I *almost* got some happy tears reading this.

    I’m dead {as dead as James Garfield} serious.
    .-= Holly´s last blog ..The Big Day{s} Is{are} Coming =-.

  53. Okay, I am seriously so motherfucking happy! So happy, in fact, that I just sent out a mass text to all of my fellow Canadians who are avid readers (and some who aren’t) saying exactly this: “OMG THE BLOGGESS GOT JAMES GARFIELD!!!!!”. I apologize if somehow the authorities abduct my blackberry and assume that you were able to construct a time machine and go back and assassinate the first James Garfield. With my luck, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Again, my apologies.

    Anyhow. I ? James Garfield! Will gladly buy cards.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Holy crap! Dear EVERYBODY, this is *MONUMENTALLY IMPORTANT*. =-.

  55. Well, you can just see how content he is in his new home, settling in so well, bonding with Hailey so nicely…..I already have the perfect holiday gift (I was going to say Christmas, but maybe he celebrates Hanukah or Kwanzaa or perhaps he’s an aetheist, but I digress) in mind – a grill:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grill_(jewelry)
    James Garfield needs a grill. For formal occasions. Maybe you can just wrap tinfoil around his teeth, because I am sure Victor would shit himself if you ordered James Garfield a custom grill. And besides, I read somewhere that those grills are bad for teeth, so you don’t want to invest a lot. We wouldn’t want to cause any damage to those valuable tusks. It’s just that if they were SHINY it would be so awesome. But really, I’m mostly just thrilled that you got to bring James Garfield home – this would make such an awesome Hallmark movie.
    .-= Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..Ochre is the new black =-.

  59. What impresses me most about this whole welcome home saga is that it appears you got Victor to hang James Garfield the very same day you bought him. I… didn’t realize this was possible. There are boxes sitting in my kitchen that have been waiting to get carried down to the basement for weeks.
    .-= Operation Pink Herring´s last blog ..The New Moon movie verdict, 3am edition =-.

  61. Wow. Now you can say James Garfield is looking down on you and your blog with a straight face AND be telling the truth. I think you should greet people like that. And make a sign for your front door that says, “James Garfield lives here.” Then decorate him for Christmas. You know, give him a bow and some tinsel. So he’s festive.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – How exactly do you even arrest a goat? =-.

  62. Oh my god!! He actually got it for you? What a wonderful husband he is. James looks wonderful where he is out now. I’m so happy for you 🙂

    By the way I’m so in need of a card. I need one sent to my asshole of a ex boss? He’s a real pain in the ass. Write something horrible things about him in it

    xoxo
    .-= Delisha´s last blog ..Not in the spirit =-.

  63. Although I am not personally a James Garfield kind of girl, I am super jealous (and very happy for you) and now am on a quest for my own workspace mascot. Although if it ends up being anything like your James Garfield, I will probably hang it in my home office and not my away-from-home office because I think my office mate (and my boss) might not be as cool as you are.

    I am so happy for you – both for your awesome James Garfield & your pretty damn cool Victor.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..You’d think it was some kind of holiday weekend or something =-.

  64. Okay, here’s the plan. The next time your husband complains about James Garfield, you just smile and walk away quietly. Later, when he’s asleep, you slip sliently out of bed, grab your best friend James from the study and place him right behind your husband’s face. Then, lay back down and breathe on the back of his neck very softly.

    He’ll never complain about James Garfield again.
    .-= Ryan´s last blog ..The thanksgiving cake is GONE =-.

  68. This is fantastic! You can’t freakin’ name something and then abandon it!! I’m glad Victor finally came to his senses. 🙂

  69. Quite possibly the most BAD-ASS workspace ever. Would not work without James Garfield at all!

  70. Victor rocks. But James Garfield is THE BOMB.

    I think you should take twelve photos of him in different festive outfits and make a James Garfield calendar.
    .-= daysgoby´s last blog ..review =-.

  73. Seriously your last post on James Garfield had me laughing out loud. I was GUTTED that you left without him. I knew if you were anything like me you would think about him obsessively and wonder where he was. I am SO GLAD that you made Victor get him for you. He is by far the COOLEST thing I have ever seen. Too funny.
    .-= Miss T´s last blog ..31 days out – The divine Miss P =-.

  78. I just KNEW you’d bring him home. I knew it. And I want a card. Would you do two for $10? Cos that would be freaking awesome. Remember, I did say in the original post that I’d use that image for my holiday card, so I might need more than two. How about four for $15? yes, I know I’m cheap.
    .-= curiously random´s last blog ..cut =-.

  79. I thought of a picture of a dismembered zombie kitten as my 2009 Xmas card, but Mr Garfield seems more appropriate. Can Belgians order ?

    ps : Belgium does not hate you.
    pss : yep, i speak on behalf of Belgium, i have this kind of power.

  80. James Garfield is freakin’ awesome, I’d have paid to have him on the wall above my computer too. You made out like a bandish with that.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Slugfest =-.

  81. In the movie Smiley Face one of the characters realizes she loves lasagna and since Garfield also loves lasagna she wanted to put a framed picture of Garfield on the wall to signify her love of lasagna, but then decides to put a picture of James Garfield on her wall to be extra meta.

    I think from now on people who love lasagna should put a photo of your James Garfield on the wall. It makes sense.

  82. That is awesome! However my husband disagrees and has forbidden me from buying a James Garfield card, thus supporting a crazy person. Don’t worry, I’ll save my grocery money and buy one for each family member(cause kids don’t REALLY need to eat right?). Cause it is too cool to pass up. Who DOESN’T want a stuffed pig xmas card?!
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Weekend Adventure =-.

  83. Sometimes I love you “a lot.” Other times I love you “A LOT A LOT.” Right now I love you even more than that but I am at a loss for words as to how to properly describe it on account of I am also super tired. And have recently eaten way too many Cheez-Its so I’m kind of in a fog. But trust me when I say it’s WAY MORE than “A LOT A LOT.” It’s, you know, A HELLUVA LOT.
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..This Was Supposed To Be A Thanksgiving Day Post, But Now I Have To Make It A Thanksgiving Weekend Post Because I’m A Day Late And If My Life Depended On Any Type of Timely Blogging I WOULD BE DEAD =-.

  86. I want to hear Ms. Knappes’ thoughts on his situation. Also, congratulations!!

  89. Send me the paypal request to my email, i will pay you for that, please make the card to my name. And whatever line you wanna put on it.
    I AM SERIOUS. (really, i am.)

    p.s. the money’s more for your blog itself than mr.garfield though…..okok, i admit, it’s for him. I’ve grown attached to him.

  90. wishing you, your family and James Garfield all the best for the festive season. i won’t be sending you money but i will be eating ice cream. you can see how this works.
    .-= Mandi´s last blog ..New Facebook Lexicon =-.

  92. Oh, you SO have to hook me up with a card of James G. (cuz, you know we are so close who needs last names…) Anyway, I plan on framing it and taunting my sucker-friends that I will have a picture of james garfield for all eternity. That is art, by god. and if they don’t like it I will just ahve to go find a pic of jame G’s hiney for them to kiss. Ha!

  93. Hurray for Victor!!! I love the calendar idea, so let me know if you do it. I am totally trying to decide how many cards I need. 🙂

  95. That’s great and everything and I hate to throw a tusk in the gears but I don’t think he looks as good without the other smaller pig/boar hanging next to him. And why didn’t that other pig/boar get a name?

  96. I am SO a James Garfield kinda gal! I found a stuffed Venezuelan Piranha at a flea market in the summer that had to come home with me (I know, not as impressive as James Garfield but same sentiment). I’m the only one that loves it, but I don’t care – it’s mine. It dang near broke my heart that you had to walk away from him but now he’s found his spiritual home. I would buy a card but I’m in teh England and there’s postage costs to consider….
    .-= Mrs Jones´s last blog ..The Morning After…. =-.

  100. Shit like this is why the whole Suffrage movement is totally overrated.

    If you’d been in the kitchen making a pie, Victor would have an extra $90 in his pocket.

    How Victor hasn’t killed you in your sleep yet is still a mystery. Probably because he can’t afford the poison because you keep spending money on mounted dead animal heads.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Q&A not T&A although T&A would have TOTALLY been better =-.

  102. I think you just retitled the nameplate, “The Extremely Versatile James Garfield”. He should wear a top hat at the unveiling…..

  104. Great job gluing Victor’s hair back onto his head! I’m thinkin’ your gluing skills must be what finally won him over.

    (I have to think that because I don’t want to think about what you may have *actually* done to get Victor to drop 90 bucks on a pig head.)

  106. He’s not complete without a *real* santa hat…and I think maybe some lights wrapped around his massive tusks…

    I like your Christmas card idea…but I don’t think I could have James Garfield sitting around my living room, eating all the other nice cards. Except maybe the one with the doves. Those are probably irresistable…for J.G.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..*updated* who i used to be =-.

  108. I just texted my husband to tell him that you got James Garfield. Then I asked if I could buy a James Garfield Christmas card for $10. I hope he agrees. If not, I’m going to buy one anyway and surprise him with it for Christmas. He will be thrilled!

    James Garfield will pay for himself. Victor is refusing to see all the possibilities. You should dress him up for every holiday and sell cards! I want to see him dressed in those silly little bunny ears for Easter.
    .-= Sarahbear´s last blog ..Sunday: Weekly Wrap-It-Up =-.

  110. I have been thinking this for awhile, but was afraid to confess it………. now it must be said! I think I am in love with Victor!! and congrats on the new mascot – SWEET. P.S. For Christmas I could make him ( JG, not Victor) one of those sweater things like people put on thier dogs . It might add a little someum someum.

  114. I love that you got James Garfield!! What a great love story! I like the calendar idea. You should do that!

  115. Girl, you are so fucking nuts. But I love you for it so it is ok. I thought I was the only one that was truly crazy but you are throwed. But I would have gotten all stabtastic on the mob guy for you. To disfigure Garfield. Tusk Tusk (ha).
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Monday =-.

  116. Clearly, James Garfield is the Festivus equivalent of Rudolph. The reindeer, not Valentino. Also, I thought at first that Victor was ducking his head so that any chance-met paparazzi would have less chance of catching his face in the frame, but then I realized he was on the phone. I figure he was probably calling Walgreens to make sure his Wellbutrin script was up-to-date, because knowing your wife is having an affair of the heart with the Festivus mascot has to be discouraging, to say the least.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Kaminey, or, Snatch the True Romance Smoking Barrels =-.

  117. I actually did a text search not once, but twice, on your comments to this post to see if anyone had yet commented on the fact that you still use CD’s. Seriously? I don’t know what is more amazing: James Garfield; your CD’s framing your monitor; or the fact that nobody was horrified by the CD’s framing your monitor. Have a good day.
    Also, can you share with us what James Garfield smells like? I’d imagine it is a mildly unpleasant odor.

  118. I have a raging crush on Victor now. And I’ll give you $90 just because. And P.S., I was subjected to wild boar on Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s house and for the record, it tastes like ass. So bad I couldn’t even come up with an “eating James Garfield” joke for you which is exactly what I was thinking about at the time, instead of counting my blessings and being full of heart and full of belly. Of ass.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Fantastic Mr Fox, Foodie Edition =-.

  119. Heck yeah, I’ll buy a James Garfield Christmas card to send to a friend of mine. She’ll love it!

  127. Oh I’d pay money to both have some Hanukkah cards with a giant pig on them and see the look on the face of the Jewish person receiving it! …maybe throw a slice of ham in for added impact

  131. I am so genuinely happy for you AND for James Garfield. Clearly this was meant to be. Had Victor not perservered and gone back you would have been stuck in a mutual vortex of pain and remorse. Kudos to him for understanding that this cyclical pattern of negative energy could not be allowed to form. You should give that man (and yourself) a pat on the back for a job well done. Things are as they should be.
    He looks great on your wall!
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..Apocalypse Now =-.

  134. Victor is the most awesome husband evah! To buy James Garfield for you, his love for you must run super deep. Maybe you aren’t aware of this, but I believe I saw James Garfield in a movie this weekend. My husband, who obviously doesn’t love me as much as yours does, and I were watching Hannibal and at one point I yelled out “James Garfield”. That’s cuz he was on the screen. Did you realize that not only was your stuffed pigs head an ex-president but also a movie star? You are the luckiest girl in the WORLD.

  135. OMG, you should totally sell James Garfield calendars. I mean, if Dooce can make money selling calendars featuring her stupid dog, you could probably make an ass-ton of money capitalizing on James Garfield!

  137. This is so aweome. Victor is a hero, really. Now you’ll have to let us know if James Garfield sounds like Jon Stewart b/c that’s who voiced James Garfield on Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation audiobook.

  139. Your husband truly loves you and please don’t let that child sit under that thing what if there was an earthquake it would fall and eat her head. Does Texas have earthquakes? There could be a stampede and shake your home and that thing could fall and eat her head.

  144. It’s a Christmas miracle!! I hope that you will consider selling me the rights to screenplay because I feel like this could be the best made for TV Thanksgiving/Christmas/Festivus/Hannukah movie ever to grace network television. Also, you must think up the title of the said movie, because you’re good like that. I like “Saving Piglet James Garfield”.
    .-= Love´s last blog ..Adventures in Babysitting, Part III =-.

  148. Thank you!! Thanks to this post I have realized what’s missing in my life…a dead animal’s head on my wall. Now I feel as though my life would be so complete, I could finally fill that void if I could just find some kind of petrified carcass to display in my home. Hmmm…I do see dead deer on the side of the road all the time. But I don’t think one would fit in the trunk of my Saturn and it’s too damn cold to stand on the side of the road to try and get just its head. Maybe I should just grab a possum instead and name it Gerald Ford. Apparently Gerald Ford is a big deal out here in Omaha. I think he was born here or something. So were Nick Nolte and Henry Fonda but they’re just not as deserving of the honor of having a dead animal head named after them.
    .-= April´s last blog ..More moms like me =-.

  152. Victor fucking ROCKS! Almost as hard as James Garfield. Don’t forget, James would like to be festively decorated for the holidays like the REST of the house. Just sayin.

  153. Your daughter is so brave! My parents have a stuffed hog-like creature on the wall in their guest bedroom, and my two BOYS would die before they would sleep with it looking at them. She must be the Rambo of little girls. Or my boys are sissies. Oh well. Glad you got JG and congrats on such a fierce daughter. I’m gonna go take the Wii away until my boys learn to boar hunt.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Comment on Do these tatoos make me look fat? by sherri =-.

  155. I’ve been worried about poor James Garfield, thinking how wonderful it would be if he found a loving home. And now it’s like you just adopted a stray dog from stray rescue. Truly you’re doing the world a service. This will sooooo be jotted down in your book of good deeds kept by some unknown busy body in the angelic world. Kinda makes up for torturing that poor translator chick in Japan.
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Moving Thanksgiving =-.

  156. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! And, frankly, the least God could do after the toilet water ‘incident’. I’ll buy a card…everyone wins!

  159. Um . . . I’m a vegetarian, so I’m not so very fond of dead animals hanging on walls. But that being stated, it appears to me that James Garfield has more soul now, dead and stuffed and all, then he may have had during his life. And for some reason, if James Garfield had a voice, I think it would sound like James Brown. Rock on, J.G.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."I’ll stick around" =-.

  160. I hope he’s really well pinned up there, I think he MIGHT just eat the person sitting in front of him if he fell on them.

    That’s fine if it’s a kid, but if it’s you, then who is going to write the blog? Victor? I think not! (although to go back and get James Garfield for you is pretty damn heroic. Although I do wonder if it wasn’t more an act of self preservation, and a action designed to make your hush yer purdy mouth).
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Leaving, on a jet plane. Hope the food is better than last time. =-.

  161. Tell Victor that James Garfield is truly the gift that keeps on giving the whole year through!

    (this does not mean that he can skimp and NOT buy you anything for a whole year though.)

    (just thought I’d clarify that)
    .-= sadira´s last blog ..Feasting Images… =-.

  162. aaah the power of James Garfield to bring people together from across the world should be celebrated in a National James Garfield day. You could have a parade.Just imagine a giant James Garfield float leading the way, with a band playing and small children dressed up like James Garfield.(only the tusks would have to be rubber so they didn’t take someones eye out) Oh Victor, would be so proud to know that his small act inspired such celebration. Yay. I will have a card as well.
    .-= Kim (frogpondsrock)´s last blog ..A candle for Mum. =-.

  164. I can see it now, a brightly festive background, a great smiley picture of James Garfield (complete with Santa hat and candy cane hanging out of his mouth) and a big ol’ caption reading “MUTHAFUCKINFESTIVE!” right underneath. NOW I am ready for the holidays. You know Mr. Christmas Bobcat Skull might get a bit jeallous here. You should make him some Christmas cards too.

    On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…One Partially Hairless, Dentally Challenged, Oddly Smiley Decapitated Man-Bear-Pig Head…and a partridge in a pear tree!

  165. This should be part of every one of those marriage counseling classes you have before you get married. If your potential mate is not of the James Garfield-acquiring ilk, they should be kicked to the curb. Nice life partner selection, Bloggess.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..Danke Schoen =-.

  166. Oh and I forgot to mention that Victor is a saint. A Saint. I think someone’s penis deserves a mouth-hug. Just sayin’.

  168. I am SO EXCITED to receive my James Garfield card, even more excited than Jessie Spano could ever be, no matter how many caffeine pills she took! I am That Freakin Excited!!!

    By the way, I would totally be all over a James Garfield calendar. Seriously. That way his badassery can be appreciated and adored all year round! Oh, and Allie’s comment is totally right on – Victor should feel like fucking provider. Because clearly? He SO is!
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Venice Is a Fish =-.

  169. No offense to your husband (this is directed at your readers) but if he was truly great as all these comments have claimed then he would have gotten it for you to begin with. Getting it day 1? Awesome! Getting it begrudgingly? Not so awesome.

  170. Oh I’m so in for $10 card. I want it tfor my husband he would think it was the best gift ever, right up there with tickets to a KISS concert.

  172. Let’s face it, it isn’t so much the love from Victor as the fact he is scared shitless of you

    By the way, I am in!!!!!

  174. Victor-y!

    So happy to hear it’s in your home. I’m in Dallas, but come to Houston all the time. I’d pay more than $10 to have my photo taken with James Garfield in my lap. So totally awesome – instead of hamsterdance, we’d have piglapdance. Or something like that.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..11 Years =-.

  176. I will so be buying a James Garfield card.

    Prediction: you’re going to be rich from selling JG cards. You’re going to create your own cottage industry, only without cottages. The James Garfield Happy Christmas card will make Hallmark jealous.

    I’m so glad to get in on the ground floor of awesomeness as pure as this.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Scary Rosie =-.

  177. Congratulations!!!!! But now I am sad: I used to think that no matter how much Jackassery my husband is involved with, he will always have Victor as his companion in the World’s Worst Husbands Hall of Fame. But Victor just totally redeemed himself. Is he dying? Make sure he’s not dying. People do that a lot when they are dying: they go and redeem themselves. Are you sure he’s not cheating? That lady in that picture next to James Garfield looks really hot in a sultry way. Maybe Victor is cheating on you with her? Already emailed you.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..The Internet has changed forever what we take pictures of… =-.

  178. Yeah, $10 is a bit much but I’d pay pal you $5. But I didn’t see a donate button. 🙁

  179. You realize, of course, you are now in the part of your story where weird-ass things will start happening in your house – like pets being sucked into your computer and your not-free water turning into blood. And your husband will start saying things like, “Heerree’s Jimmmmy!” as he chases after you w/a chainsaw. And I know you don’t won’t want to believe that James is causing any of it, but let it be said: you have been warned.

  180. Just noticed – in the bottom pic, both JG and the T-Rex on the right seem to be saying “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!”

    Or else they’re both yawning at the same time. Or singing. But when you’re bad-ass, it doesn’t matter what you do – nothing can affect your badassery quotient.

    Super.
    Fuckin’.
    Awesome.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Scary Rosie =-.

  182. When I lived in Oakland, we used to make side trips to Berkeley. I don’t remember the street but there was a house that had a James Garfield mounted over the porch. Totally awesome to stumble across this when you are completely wrecked.
    .-= Chinacat´s last blog ..Missed it by – – that much! =-.

  184. Can you imagine working under that thing? I’d be worried that it would come loose, fall off, and the teeth would impale into my skull. Or my daughter’s. But I’d want my wife to work there.

  187. Is his middle name Victor? Cause I think he deserves a namesake….James Garfield that is.

  191. All I can say is…. I TOTALLY want a James Garfield card. Obviously I would never be lucky enough to find and ACTUAL James Garfield. I suppose a card will do. And Bloggess stickers?!?!?! Well that would just be a total bonus.
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Still hanging in there… =-.

  194. OMG! My parents totally have James Garfield’s long lost twin brother Bob! I will take a picture so you can show it to James Garfield and they can be cyber reunited! And I will cry, I promise you that!
    .-= LibraryGirl62´s last blog ..Count Your Blessings =-.

  196. Thanks a lot. My husband – your #1 fan – will probably buy one of those damn cards. Tell Victor this stuffed pig is going to generate one hell of an ROI.

    (Desperately hoping my husband doesn’t someday leave me in pursuit of you.)
    .-= Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Happy to be stuck with you =-.

  197. What’s Victor’s problem? $90 for the best Christmas present ever? He’s getting off easy…or you’ve got him so suckered that he thinks he has to buy you a Christmas present too. Wait, was it blow job Friday again, and I missed it?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

  198. I am SO happy for you. I almost got tears in MY eyes over that hideous thing. Congratulations. And Victor? A saint. I really think he may be. But YAY! So happy for you and James Garfield, I hope you live happily ever after.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Cleaning with an ADD-er =-.

  199. Victor is almost as awesome as my husband. And James Garfield is breathtakingly awesome. Wow. Just Wow.

    I am accepting that with that kind of awesomeness I will never be personally awesome enough to be your friend in real life so I will have to accept that stalking you, and James Garfield, will have to be enough.

    I bask in your awesomeness.
    .-= Stitch´s last blog ..When This You See Remember Me =-.

  204. Oh, Victor should have saved J.G. for a Christmas present. He could have been dropping hints all week, making obscure Godfather references and then you would wake up Christmas morning feeling a little squishy around your feet and then when you looked at your hands they were covered in ketchup and then you would have pulled back the sheets and found the severed head and screamed, JAMES GARFIELD! Yes, that truly would have been awesome!
    .-= Ellie Belen´s last blog ..Beautiful Goodfellows Firemen =-.

  205. Jesus Christ I thought James Garner was dead. I had to Google him. Congratulations! You could always remind Victor that it’s better than having James Garner’s head on your wall. Although…

  206. I’m so jealous.
    Years ago, I passed up a pair of taximermied copulating squirrels on ebay (the expression on the female looked a bit perturbed – I considered it bad mojo) and they’ve haunted me ever since.

  207. I am so fucking jealous I could spit. I want a James Garfield, too!! I was so sad you didn’t get to bring him home. This is like Cinderella or something, and James Garfield is TOTALLY the beautiful princess. He needs a crown.
    And maybe you can remind Victor that James Garfield will probably APPRECIATE in value over the years. You know, you could totally recoup your $90 when his magic is recognized and he is worth millions. It’s not like boar’s heads are all that common, you know? And when they are extinct they will want James Garfield for the Smithsonian or something.
    Also someone needs to start a James Garfield fan club. When someone has a fan club, you can’t talk shit on their fur, even if it is falling off a little bit.
    DAMMIT HE IS SO AWESOME!!!!
    .-= superblondgirl´s last blog ..Back on the internet again =-.

  209. Go ahead, hate me if you wish, but that James Garfield is the ugliest fucking thing i’ve ever seen, AND, i would be totally terrified to walk into whichever room it was nailed to the wall in because, simply, that thing is scary and evil looking…
    I do however think that an anonymous hate mail with James Garfield on it would be awsome as “F”, i just cant afford 10$ to get it hate mailed, since, well, it’s Christmas time and all, and shit is a bit tight here ya know…
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Remembering Maddie =-.

  211. J to tha G needs to rep the Yarmulke too. Maybe during Hannukah (sp?) you could have a little menorah…I’m just saying…he’s prolly a non-denominational were-bear-pig.
    And he’s yours!!

  214. I’m not sure who the hot medieval babe in the picture next to James Garfield is, but you’d better put her somewhere else. She is TOTALLY making the moves on him!
    And my Christmas is now ruined, because I could never, ever acquire anything anywhere near as cool as JG…

  217. psss : i’ve been arrested by the Royal Police for impersonation. “Apparently”, the King fairly appreciates that one of his citizens takes the liberty to speak on his behalf. From now on, i’m calling him “The Belgian Hitler”.

    pssss : great, now i’ve totally increased my “chances” of being ass-raped in the showers by a royalist convict.

    But the good news are : now the Belgian King reads your blog and i can still receive Xmas cards in jail.
    The bad news are : now the Belgian King reads your blog and i’ll be stone to death with rotting chocolate for calling him “The Belgian Hitler”.

    I think i deserve James Garfield much more than you do.

  219. Hey jenny (can I call you jenn i have been staulking u for while so i feel i know you) I am soo happy for you! I too spent to much time worrying some other bitch would snatch him up before Victor saw the light. He looks very happy there. I will take my letter in anon email form letting my hubster know he is an asshole for not EVER getting me anything 1/2 a cool as james garfield. I am slos wondering if you have the bitrhplace of swine flu in your home?

  221. You know how people are fond of saying Jesus is the reason for the Christmas season? I think James Garfield is the new reason for the season. No offense to Jesus, of course. I’m sure he’d agree.

  222. I like the idea of a pilgrimage proposed by Angela. I live in Austin and it’s not such a bad drive to Houston. It would be like going to Mecca or to the valley to see Jesus on a tortilla. I’d totally fork over $10 to bask in the glory that is James Garfield. Let us know when we need to be there and whether you’d prefer cash, check or credit card.

    PS – if you could dress up in some sort of quasi-religious outfit it would really help with the feeling of authenticity. Thanks

  223. I was so sad when you left without James Garfield. I too had been thinking about him all this time and wanted a James Garfield of my very own (my husband also thought I was crazy when I showed him your post and expressed my desire of owning my own James Garfield). I was so happy to hear that he is now safely abiding in your home (I told this to my husband as well and once again he looked at me like I was insane). What I wouldn’t do for one of those. Is James’ little buddy still there? Maybe I could buy him instead. He already has a name: Martin Van Buren.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..The Failure Patch =-.

  224. Can I buy a card with James Garfiels and that awesome dinosaur head sticking out of your desk? Maybe they’re like, having a conversation or something? Will James be wearing a Santa hat? Maybe a beard? A dsguise or something because he scares the shit out of me.

    Where do I send the money?
    .-= Mamasoo´s last blog ..First Day of Advent =-.

  225. Pingback: Hello, December!

  226. *sigh* I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I wish I could find my shedding, stuffed pig head to renew my enthusiasm for life.

  227. It’s no wonder why Victor loves you. (Even though he probably wants to stab you often.)

  230. Dude, regarding the “disguise beard” on your monitor… I am afraid to ask: What was your girl looking at that you don’t think your readers (remember: many of us are as crazy as your are, though certainly not as entertaining…) cannot stomach?!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Hello, December! =-.

  233. Thank you so much for making my really crappy day a little better! I have been thinking about James Garfield since your first post! Victor is awesome, you are a lucky lady.
    .-= Janice Guazzo´s last blog ..TESTING POSTS =-.

  234. My best friend’s mom and uncle were in Germany a few years ago and purchased a taxidermy weasel in an attack pose, henceforward known as Wenceslas the Christmas Weasel. The tale begins with the two of them arguing in the antique shop over who would get to buy Wenceslas (apparently, his name was as instantly obvious as James Garfield’s) and ends with him dressed in a Christmas scarf, rotating homes each year so that both her mother and her uncle get to spend equal time in his presence. I’m pretty sure that until now I thought Wenceslas was alone in the world—a figure frozen in aggression, shooting the crazy eyes at those who dare venture too close. Now I know he has family. I feel better.

  235. Yay! You got him. Finally! I want 10 cards. So where’s the PayPal button? 🙂
    .-= okjedi´s last blog .. =-.

  236. Oh and don’t think that in all this muthafuckinfestivity we have forgotten about the “Japan Part 3-The Toilet” post that you promised us. I am dying to know how you figured it all out.

  237. I am so happy for you and James!!
    I had a stuffed Armadillo that stood up on his hind legs and you could totally see his little stuffed balls. I named him Roger. I even gave him little hats for the holidays.

    Where is he now you ask….. I was dating this guy for like 6 months and found out the douche canoe was engaged!!! So I left Roger in a pot on his front porch….. total Fatal Attraction!!! Woo now that was funny. Years later I ran into him and he said it scared the piss out of him!! And yes he still had Roger and wouldn’t give him back!! BASTARD!!!

  239. A few things. I’m OCD with lists:
    1. It looks like you’ve got a mechanical penis-shaped torture device up there. In front of the angel, that is. Did you get that in Japan. Very feng shui. (Is that Japanese?)
    2. You totally have to bring Mr. Garfield to the Antiques Roadshow or something. Watch he was once the prized pet of Hitler or something. Or Santa. You never know with wild boars. It could’ve even been the one that ate that kid in Lord of the Flies. Yikes.
    3. I forgot number three. Fucking OCD.
    .-= Kristine´s last blog ..Camel Toes Make Me Sentimental =-.

  240. Oh my goodness, James is home!!! But now the creature that was foaming-at-the-mouth-but-it-turned-out-to-just-be-a-hanging-price-tag is all alone. He needs you. He needs James. Victor needs to go back to the house and get little Junior.

  242. Your desk is the cluttered mess of glorious eclecticism I could never dream of having.

  244. James Garfield is the best investment ever. Tell Charles Schwab ASAP maybe you can get trading stock for James and make your money back that way. You’re welcome.

    p.s. why is Hailey taking a Rorschach test?

  246. Haha, awesome. I would be scared to even have a picture of that scary being in my home, but I’m a pussy too. Glad you got what you longed for, it’s always a delight!
    .-= Wynn´s last blog ..Christmas feelings =-.

  247. So was your daughter creating a beard for James Garfield? You’re not going to get your dear little lady to replace the fur on the pig’s head are you? And there’s a small part of me that firmly believes there’s another blog out there, run by the former owners of James Garfield documenting “this woman in need of serious therapy’s” escapades to rope her hubby into coming back and buying the pig.

    “He asked for $50 and I threw the ole – ‘shit, the tusks are worth more than that fella’ at him and he fuckin’ bought it!!!” You done good lady – I’d fought to buy the damn thing too!!
    .-= WhyIsDaddyCrying´s last blog ..Moving Onward =-.

  248. Victor is going to love it when he realizes how much of a full, participating member of the family James Garfield is.

    Such as, when James Garfield submits a Christmas wish list and both he and Hailey send it to Santa together. When he gives and receives Christmas presents. Next year when you plan a huge Adoption Day celebration.

  249. How freaking awesome! I am so excited for you that James Garfield got to come home. But I’m also jealous because now your Christmas cards will rock and mine are boring. I only have pictures of my kids on them. People can see them anytime. Crap! Now my Christmas cards suck.
    .-= Sarah (@scunning)´s last blog ..Rambling =-.

  250. Do you know what? James Garfield and I are still waiting for those toilet pictures from Japan! Where are they? I can’t wait to see your blogs now, what with James Garfield for inspiration.

  251. If James Garfield needs some company, I hear a lot of his relatives are roaming around the suburbs in Ft Bend County. Also at Geoege Bush Park in western Harris Co.

    Just saying.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Making Babies =-.

  257. That said, I totally want that miniature James Garfield.
    Loved your story – thanks so much.

  259. OH.MY.GOD. Words can’t describe how I feel right now…part outrage, part admiration, part disgust, part amusement. I can’t believe you actually bought it and hung it up! Wow, I say, wow!
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Logo Designs! =-.

  260. Um, first of all, James Garfield will totally pay for himself in LOVE. I mean, you’d have to have a heart of steel to not love that scary, chemo warthog thingy. A heart of steel.

    Secondly, um, is Hailey really sitting in for you? Does that mean you spend all day making weird beard people on your computer?
    .-= Mama Bee´s last blog ..Don’t Worry, Be Happy =-.

  262. Jenny – you are brilliant (kind of like a “freak whisperer”)and Victor is a saint (and not just because of the James Garfield incident). 🙂

  263. Your blog is the only one that I have been “awaiting moderation”. What is up with that? What words are moderated? Seriously.

  264. Nothing’s *really* moderated but every time you post for the first time it puts you in moderation because it thinks you might be spam. And technically you’re a repeat commenter so you shouldn’t be in moderation except that you used a different email address this time than the one you used before and my spam filter is too dumb to realize that it’s still you. It’s not you. It’s my spam filter.

  265. OHMYFRAKINBOB, I heart you like a hearting thing that hearts.

    Return on investment? LOVE is its OWN REWARD.
    Also, James Garfield is SO much more awesome than some spooty Leg Lamp looking all Rocky Horror Christmas Special in your parlor window.

    James Garfield, relaxing in his new steampunky surroundings, looks like a werebearpig at peace with the world. Although I do believe I hear him pining for accessories. Yes. That still small voice… something about a tiny pith helmet, a bowler hat, and a velvet cravat. Because James Garfield is a werebearpig possessed of an elegance of mind and a sophisticated air of fashion. Loving James Garfield as you do I know you will not withhold from him these tokens of your affection.

    I vote with several of the posters above: not sure I would pay $10 for a card… I would pay $15 for a calendar though. Not only would an annual calendar prove a ROI to Victor for Mr. Garfield, the proceeds could save other similar creatures on the brink of homelessness. Mr. Garfield could entertain them in his rooms at the club. Poker buddies, perhaps?

  266. Pingback: Baby, don’t go back. — TheBloggess.com

  269. Confession: The James Garfield rants remind me of Joon in the movie “Benny and Joon”. Did Victor buy you a snorkel and ping pong paddle, too?

    You are a freakin’ hoot!

  270. I think your stuffed pig-bore-monkey-bear is awesome! I use to be an interior decorating…and that is a rule for decorating….the element of surprise!! You got that goin’ on!! ~Chris Ann

  271. Victor may be on thin ice right now, but I think you should let it all slide because he actually bought James Garfield.

    I can’t believe the mafia was involved. You better watch yourself – I would bet they’ve got James Garfield bugged and are watching your every move. If you go missing, I’ll let the authorities know it was the mafia. They’ll understand, once they see James Garfield.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Wowweee!!! =-.

  272. You would have had James Garfield a hell of a lot earlier if you husband just realized it was inevitable and he would have saved himself a lot of grief if he would have just done what he was told. After all if he really loved you he would have wanted to make you happy. Happiness is having James Garfield in your home.
    I think you should start a baby book on James Garfield. (My son is 27 and I still write in his book from time to time!)
    “First year: Day 1 – Homecoming! Here is a picture of Daddy Victor bringing JG into his new home.”

    Congrats Mom on your new arrival.
    .-= Rose´s last blog ..Calypso Carnival Necklace set (USD $40.00) =-.

  273. I love James Garfield!!!!!

    I’m on the hunt this weekend for my own personal James Garfield, but I will name him Rick Moranis.

    I have to be honest and tell you I have a minor, verging of full-blown, girl/blog crush on you!
    .-= T´s last blog ..Update on the 2 newbies =-.

  274. Oh I love it – Just Love it. I Read this on a dreary drizzly Sunday all by myself in the office, and was roaring with laughter. I think had there been colleagues in the building, I would have been looked at like I was a bit nutty – well, more so than usual.

    Anyhow, I just have to say you’re lucky – because your husband truly TRULY loves you – and realizes that for $90 bucks, purchasing some peace and quiet (and for the love of God NOT hearing “James Garfield” fill in the blank statements) was worth it. Ahh… LOVE… :).

    Oh – and congrats – on giving James Garfield (who I too think is Laughint Triumphantly in the last one) a home. He’s a very happy Wild Boar!

  275. Is it to late to buy an awsome save the James card? That card needs to go on my tree! We have been more naughty than nice this year and when Santa checks his list and sees that we helped prove to Victor that James is a money maker it will put us back in the nice column. Please save our Christmas. The check is in the mail.

  276. Pingback: Weekend link dump for December 6 – Off the Kuff

  281. I just received my very own surprise James Garfield Christmas card in the mail not ten minutes ago, and it was very confusing for several reasons: 1) because I just posted about you yesterday and for a second my brain was like, wait, did she read my post? which is ridiculous, but brains are dumb sometimes, b) I skipped over the actual message too see the signature and I thought to myself, “Who is Jenny? Who the fuck is James Garfield and why is there a fucking boar on this Christmas card, and C) When I saw your lovely Bloggess stickers fall out of the envelope my next thought was, “How the fuck did my ex-roommate get The Bloggess to send me a Christmas card?” It was a very weird ten minutes.

    Then I remembered this entry and felt less special.
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..i’m fucking DONE y’all =-.

  282. Pingback: Canadian money is pretty much useless — TheBloggess.com

  285. It’s a Christmas Eve James Garfield + Jesus miracle — I just got the card in the mail with a special inscription by you! And I didn’t even know it was coming!

    My New Year’s resolution: more taxidermy. (And continue trying to solve for A.)

  286. Pingback: Happy James Garfield Week — TheBloggess.com
  287. Pingback: » Blog Archive » Weeky rundown cliffs notes style…

  289. Hey! I love the James Garfield story, and Victor! My eldest, Danielle Marie, went to the antique mall and FOUND the two-headed dragon statue I wanted for MY birthday; therefore you and I are related. PLUS I have the SAME picture of the lady you have. Therefore you and I are related! Sis! Yo! I love James Garfield!! How’s he smell?

  290. Pingback: Monday is the new Sunday. Unless this is Tuesday. Someone send me a calendar — TheBloggess.com
  292. Pingback: Random Ramblings of an Insomniac: Boobquakes, dangerous squirrels, things we already knew about men — TheBloggess.com

  293. Oh, the things I’ve missed whilst living the frontier life out here these past 6 months or so, far away from blogland 95% of the time. Brings a tear to my eye. How many nightmares has Victor had about the esteemed Mr. Garfield? You are hilarious.
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Things that amuse me, Vol. 4 =-.

  294. OMG, this is freaking hilarious! I forced my husband read it _immediately_ before he left for work and read aloud all the parts that he agreed were funny so that I could remind him about the parts he didn’t recognize instantly as FREAKING HILARIOUS!

  295. Addendum: When he finished, my husband stated very seriously that if we’re to get a mounted animal head, it will be because he shot it.

    I asked if that meant I could pick out the animal before he shot it.

    He said yes, and smiled.

    I win!

  298. Pingback: James Garfield is currently on the floor beside me because I can’t find a stud in the wall to hang him but it’s nice because it looks like he’s bursting through the basement, which is awesome because we don’t even *have* a basement

  299. I just found your blog, thanks to a big fan of yours over at Comments From the Booth.

    “like some kinda goddamn American hero.”

    I literally laughed so hard at this that the the bitch from the next cubicle came over to find out what the commotion was about. 🙂 Thanks for bringing a bright spot to my morning!

  300. Jenny,

    I was just reading your latest post when my husband walked in and asked what I was doing. I said ‘reading The Bloggess. You remember James Garfield?’ He said ‘Oh yes, the smiley boar -head’! Instantly James Garfield’s face popped into my head and I burst out laughing. I didnt even have to SEE James Garfield. Just the THOUGHT of him made me laugh. How awesome is he? Oh, and my husband is awesome for totally knowing who James Garfield is.

    Mistral

  301. Having been introduced to you via Beyoncé I’m wasting timeworking hard catching up on your œuvre de blog. The pic of Victor carrying James Garfield out of the house totally reminded me of this one Christmas song that I only know from The Chieftains’ Christmas album Bells of Dublin even though the song isn’t sung by the Chieftains and there aren’t any bells in it. Anyway, it goes like this:

    The boar’s head in hand bear I
    Bedecked with bays and rosemary
    And I pray you, my masters, be merry
    Quot estis in convivio

    Caput apri defero
    Reddens laude Domino

    The boar’s head as I understand
    Is the rarest dish in all the land
    And thus bedecked with a gay garland
    Let us servire cantico

    Caput apri defero
    Reddens laude Domino

    (There’s another verse but it doesn’t mention a boar’s head.)

    Anyway, I know that the boar’s head they served at Christmas probably wasn’t stuffed (or at least not with wood shavings and cotton or whatever it is they stuff dead animals with for æsthetic rather than culinary purposes), and it probably was also still attached to the rest of the boar; but even so, that song should autoplay whenever that picture of Victor trotting J.G. out to you is loaded. Especially if you were able to photoshop the santa-hats in again.

  303. Pingback: The 12th (12th?!) annual James Garfield Miracle. – The Bloggess
  304. Pingback: Every year I say it will be the last and every year I am a damn liar. WELCOME TO THE ALMOST 14th ANNUAL JAMES GARFIELD MIRACLE! – The Bloggess

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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