So today we went to an estate sale and the person who’d owned the house had died and was awesome/completely insane. Usually when Victor and I go to estate sales Victor looks for treasures and I rifle through all the dead person’s books to see if they were the kind of person I’d hang out with. Except this time I didn’t even get to the books before I found him.
And yes. That is a GINORMOUS wolf/bear/pig thing and I wanted it immediately. Like, I kind of dropped my jaw and rocked back on my heels in shock a little and Victor was all “What the f…?” and I’m like “I MUST HAVE THAT” and Victor’s all “WHAT?! Where would you even put that?!” and I’m all “In my office, obviously. I’m not sharing James Garfield with the rest of you” and he’s all “You named it? WE JUST SAW IT.” and I’m all “Well, it’s pretty obvious his name is James Garfield” and Victor gave me this hard stare and said “That thing is not going in our house”. Because apparently Victor hates animals. And patriotism. Then I tried to convince him that it was too big of a bargain not to buy since the normal-sized boar next to him was $100 and James Garfield was slightly less than $100 so technically per pound he was practically a steal. It was like they were giving him away. And then Victor was all “They should give him away. Do you see what it says on the tag? ‘Damaged. Major hair loss.’ It’s horrific.” and I’m all “Yeah? Well I love you in spite of your major hair loss” and he’s all “WTF? I don’t even have major hair loss” and I’m all “Yeah, but I didn’t know that when I married you. Your grampa was practically bald by 30 so I just assumed you would be too and I happily married you anyway. Because I love you. Just like I love James Garfield”. Then he walked away and I could tell he wanted to slam a door in frustration but he couldn’t because it wasn’t our house. And actually, now that I’m writing this I’m thinking that Victor was probably mad because he thought I was saying I love him just as much as I love James Garfield. Which is just not true. I love you way more than I love James Garfield, Victor. I just meant that I love you the same way. Blindly and with every fiber of my being. So yeah, I think you owe me an apology.
I tried to convince the lady running the estate sale to let me have him for $25 but she just laughed. Victor says she was laughing because she thought I was joking about actually wanting James Garfield but I think it was pretty obvious that she was laughing at the idea of lowering the price of James Garfield since clearly someone had left a zero off of the price tag to begin with.
I mean, honestly, this picture doesn’t even convey how awesome James Garfield was. He was so big that I could have put my arms around his neck and my hands wouldn’t have touched. BECAUSE MY HANDS CAN’T CONTAIN THAT MUCH AWESOMENESS. And also because I was afraid he’d lose even more hair if I hugged him. And also because he was hung way up near the ceiling. Probably because when he was hung lower everyone was hugging him constantly. Which is probably why he has all the hair-loss to begin with. From too much love.
Anyway, we left without James Garfield. My heart hurts a little. Because I left a piece of it with James Garfield. Victor says it’s because I probably got some sort of atrial pig disease from standing under James Garfield for so long. I think Victor would probably be more understanding if he was bald too. Which is why tonight I’m going to start cutting tiny patches out of his hair when he’s sleeping.
And we totally could have used him as a holiday decoration too and we could have used his picture as our family Christmas card this year instead of having a family portrait. James Garfield practically pays for himself. Except when I pointed that out to Victor he reminded me that we don’t actually send out Christmas cards so technically James Garfield would be costing us money. And I’m all “But you’re not considering the return on our investment in Christmas cards” and he’s all “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Christmas cards are not an investment”. Well, not with that attitude they’re not.
UPDATED: Oh holy crap, y’all. Can you glue human hair back on? I need someone to answer me before 6am. I’ve made a horrible mistake. This kind of shit would never have happened if James Garfield was here.
Comment of the day: My husband also has an issue with taxidermy. Mine are nowhere near as awesome as James Garfield, although they do have festive holiday outfits. My duck has a Christmas ascot, and my mink has a yamulka. I think the duck is actually the Jewish one, but the ascot looks stupid on the mink. Anyhow, I think you’re out of luck with the glue situation. Unless you somehow mock up a crafting accident and trip and fall into Victor’s head with crazy glue on your hand. That way it’ll seem like the hair loss is part of the accident. It’d help it seem more realistic if you could sustain a minor injury. Bruise your knee or something. ~ Robynn