It’s like losing James Garfield all over again. For the second time. Although technically I wasn’t alive when the world lost the first James Garfield so I don’t really know what that was like but I doubt it was as tragic as this.

So today we went to an estate sale and the person who’d owned the house had died and was awesome/completely insane.  Usually when Victor and I go to estate sales Victor looks for treasures and I rifle through all the dead person’s books to see if they were the kind of person I’d hang out with.  Except this time I didn’t even get to the books before I found him.

Oh, holy Christ, people.
Oh holy Christ, people.

And yes.  That is a GINORMOUS wolf/bear/pig thing and I wanted it immediately.  Like, I kind of dropped my jaw and rocked back on my heels in shock a little and Victor was all “What the f…?” and I’m like “I MUST HAVE THAT” and Victor’s all “WHAT?!  Where would you even put that?!” and I’m all “In my office, obviously.  I’m not sharing James Garfield with the rest of you” and he’s all “You named it?  WE JUST SAW IT.” and I’m all “Well, it’s pretty obvious his name is James Garfield” and Victor gave me this hard stare and said “That thing is not going in our house”.  Because apparently Victor hates animals.  And patriotism.  Then I tried to convince him that it was too big of a bargain not to buy since the normal-sized boar next to him was $100 and James Garfield was slightly less than $100 so technically per pound he was practically a steal. It was like they were giving him away. And then Victor was all “They should give him away.  Do you see what it says on the tag?  ‘Damaged.  Major hair loss.’  It’s horrific.” and I’m all “Yeah?  Well I love you in spite of your major hair loss” and he’s all “WTF?  I don’t even have major hair loss” and I’m all “Yeah, but I didn’t know that when I married you.  Your grampa was practically bald by 30 so I just assumed you would be too and I happily married you anyway.  Because I love you. Just like I love James Garfield”.  Then he walked away and I could tell he wanted to slam a door in frustration but he couldn’t because it wasn’t our house.  And actually, now that I’m writing this I’m thinking that Victor was probably mad because he thought I was saying I love him just as much as I love James Garfield.  Which is just not true.  I love you way more than I love James Garfield, Victor.  I just meant that I love you the same way. Blindly and with every fiber of my being.  So yeah, I think you owe me an apology.

I tried to convince the lady running the estate sale to let me have him for $25 but she just laughed.  Victor says she was laughing because she thought I was joking about actually wanting James Garfield but I think it was pretty obvious that she was laughing at the idea of lowering the price of James Garfield  since clearly someone had left a zero off of the price tag to begin with.

I mean, honestly, this picture doesn’t even convey how awesome James Garfield was.  He was so big that I could have put my arms around his neck and my hands wouldn’t have touched. BECAUSE MY HANDS CAN’T CONTAIN THAT MUCH AWESOMENESS. And also because I was afraid he’d lose even more hair if I hugged him.  And also because he was hung way up near the ceiling.  Probably because when he was hung lower everyone was hugging him constantly.  Which is probably why he has all the hair-loss to begin with.  From too much love.

Anyway, we left without James Garfield.  My heart hurts a little.  Because I left a piece of it with James Garfield.  Victor says it’s because I probably got some sort of atrial pig disease from standing under James Garfield for so long.  I think Victor would probably be more understanding if he was bald too.  Which is why tonight I’m going to start cutting tiny patches out of his hair when he’s sleeping.

The smaller one was all "I can't even believe you're not going to buy James Garfield" and I was all "I KNOW BUT WHAT CAN I DO?"
The smaller one was all "I can't even believe you're not going to buy James Garfield" and I was all "I KNOW BUT WHAT CAN I DO?"

And we totally could have used him as a holiday decoration too and we could have used his picture as our family Christmas card this year instead of having a family portrait.  James Garfield practically pays for himself. Except when I pointed that out to Victor he reminded me that we don’t actually send out Christmas cards so technically James Garfield would be costing us money.  And I’m all “But you’re not considering the return on our investment in Christmas cards” and he’s all “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Christmas cards are not an investment”.  Well, not with that attitude they’re not.

Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you wanted. Because I sure as hell didn't.

UPDATED: Oh holy crap, y’all. Can you glue human hair back on?  I need someone to answer me before 6am.  I’ve made a horrible mistake.  This kind of shit would never have happened if James Garfield was here.

Comment of the day: My husband also has an issue with taxidermy. Mine are nowhere near as awesome as James Garfield, although they do have festive holiday outfits. My duck has a Christmas ascot, and my mink has a yamulka. I think the duck is actually the Jewish one, but the ascot looks stupid on the mink.  Anyhow, I think you’re out of luck with the glue situation. Unless you somehow mock up a crafting accident and trip and fall into Victor’s head with crazy glue on your hand. That way it’ll seem like the hair loss is part of the accident. It’d help it seem more realistic if you could sustain a minor injury. Bruise your knee or something. ~ Robynn

215 thoughts on “It’s like losing James Garfield all over again. For the second time. Although technically I wasn’t alive when the world lost the first James Garfield so I don’t really know what that was like but I doubt it was as tragic as this.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG totally just laughed my ass off. Then my husband was all WTF?! but he’s too busy with football to learn about James Garfield. If I’d been there, we’d have gone halfsies and had joint custody of all that awesomeness.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Weekend Adventure =-.

  2. At first glance the little guy on the right looks like he’s drooling after a particularly viscious kill. Upon further scrutiny I realized it’s his price tag hanging from his maw. Takes the thrill down a notch but still a righteous find. Estate sales rock.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..Shower Musings =-.

  3. My husband and I have a code word for when one of us is acting all unpatriotic or animal hate-y or whatever. It’s “G.F.D.” which stands for “grounds for divorce.” One mention of G.F.D., and I get everything I want!

  4. Holy hell, I had no idea my parents were having an estate sale today.

    I used to bring a javelina head to school for our yearly Show ‘n Tell class and it went over big. BIG, I tell you. I can’t even IMAGINE what an impression James Garfield would make. You totally need to go back for him tomorrow. Try selling the purchase as investment in Hailey’s future. “But if we don’t buy him she’ll never make an impression in science class and will be doomed to mediocrity FOREVER.” This argument will work. Trust.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Progess Report =-.

  5. Before I noticed the tag, I thought the non-James Garfield one had been taxidermied (yeah, I used it) to look like he was drooling a bit, salivating over something tasty before having his head chopped off. And all I was thinking was, forget James Garfield, this is some serious craftsmanship right here. I mean, taxidermied spittle? That’s probably why the price was so much higher.

    Also, poor guy doesn’t even have a backboard-plaque-type-thing, so it sort of looks like he has just blasted through the other side of the wall during a search for truffles or small children or whatever it is that boars eat, which obviously is another value-adder.
    .-= sarah´s last blog ..lizlemmon: Mr @drewtoothpaste predicts my future: #dogtraders =-.

  6. he was actually surprised that you wanted james garfield? it’s like he doesn’t even know you.

  7. Totally Freakn Awesome, I like you , you tell it like it is. Sounds like my brother and his wife. He brought something home like the hog and put it on his wall, a few yrs. later I was visiting and the only , only thing in the house that had dust on it was the HOGSHEAD. I Mentioned to her that thing has an inch of dust on it, she says, “that fuckin thing will keep that and get more dust cause I ain’t touch’n it.!!” I lmao…
    .-= Lee´s last blog ..Improving Blogging Skills: Taking Risks Day 2 =-.

  8. I just spewed beer all over my keyboard. You hurt my innards I’m lauging so hard. James Garfield is GLORY personified. Or anthropormophosized. The Santa hats on his ears scream Happy Holidays and shit!

  9. if you don’t go back for Jame’s Garfield, you’ll have non-buyer’s remorse! you just need to shmooze real estate lady. bring a muffin basket

  10. If James Garfield isn’t under your tree on Christmas morning G.F.D., baby. G.F.D. all the way (I’ve taken Kathy’s comment into my heart and into my lexicon.)

  11. My husband also has an issue with taxidermy. Mine are nowhere near as awesome as James Garfield, although they do have festive holiday outfits. My duck has a Christmas ascot, and my mink has a yamulka. I think the duck is actually the Jewish one, but the ascot looks stupid on the mink.

    Anyhow, I think you’re out of luck with the glue situation. Unless you somehow mock up a crafting accident and trip and fall into Victor’s head with crazy glue on your hand. That way it’ll seem like the hair loss is part of the accident. It’d help it seem more realistic if you could sustain a minor injury. Bruise your knee or something.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Dear facebook friends, =-.

  12. You need Gorilla glue. Or maybe James Garfield glue. Just be forewarned, it expands. Might be a good thing. Victor and his big head and all. Don’t tell him I said that.
    .-= Michele´s last blog ..A Little R&R! =-.

  13. If you think about it, he’s kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit, who had all his fur loved off. Because he was so awesome. So there you go. He’s a childhood hero and whatnot.

  14. You can’t glue human hair back on; too much work attaching the individual strands. What you want to do is get out a teddy bear you don’t like very much any more, and cut a piece of it in approximately the same size and shape of the new bald patch. That, plus some crazy glue, will totally eliminate any potential awkward moments tomorrow morning!

    P.S. It works best if you have a teddy bear whose fur is the same approximate color as the surrounding hair. My work with Cookie Monster fur did not blend as well as I’d hoped, and the therapy was VERY expensive.

  15. P.P.S. Don’t use the part of the teddy bear where it’s face is. That was six months of couch time all by itself. Seriously, who could not use a third eye. I thought I was helping with his enlightenment!

  16. LMAO! James Garfield just looks so damn happy to see you!!!! I would’ve totally insisted on buying him! Stomp my foot and everything!
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..All Al =-.

  17. Tell Victor he lost his hair in his sleep because he felt guilty for leaving James Garfield behind without a good home. Or tell Victor that maybe with less hair, he was hoping he’d remind you a little more of the boar-like creature.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Shades of Gray =-.

  18. It took me a little bit to figure out that the little one wasn’t drooling, but that the ‘drool’ my ‘brain’ sees is a fucking price tag.

    How much cooler would it be if the taxidermist had staged that sonofabitch to be a rabid and foaming boar? You wouldn’t have even looked twice at good ole James Garfield then, I bet.

  19. JG is totally awesome! Freaky, but awesome. Santa hats reduce the freakiness.

    Does Victor have a blog? I wonder what his take on living with such a… imaginative… wife? Does he regularly medicate? My husband needs to know. We’re super fabulous women and all, but maybe the men in our lives need a support group?

    If Victor was smart he went back and bought James Garfield and is giving it to you for Christmas. Crap. I probably blew his cover. Sorry Victor.
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Practical Jokes =-.

  20. Victor was completely wrong here. Just because of the investment. If you would have fixed up the heads, and I bet a couple of your crafts or knitting bloggers could have rehabilitated those heads in a matter of days, you could have then sold them on eBay for 5x the original cost. Easy.

  21. Look confused and tell victor that you must have been hairdressing in your sleep – tell him you dreamed he was James Garfield…

  22. Did you ever see that movie Smiley Face? Because what you could do since you love James Garfield so much is get a picture of Lasagna and frame it. And then when people ask you why you have that you can tell them “Because I love James Garfield” that’s so meta.
    .-= Randa´s last blog ..If I won the Lottery… =-.

  23. Ouch.. ow.. it hurts…

    Um.. yeah. This is one of those times where any good friend would grab you, throw you in her car and drag you back to that estate sale and demand James Garfield (at gun point if necessary).
    This is not optional. Call whichever friend it is that tells your husband you were with her even when you weren’t, the one who shows up with a shovel (no questions asked) if you text her that you’ve done something very bad. You need to make the call and get her done.
    .-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..And the winner is… Concombre a la Grec. =-.

  24. Seriously, anyone who doesn’t have a mounted boar’s head in their house is missing out on best Easter egg hiding place of all time. Unless you’re over six. In which case you already know that daddy–I mean the EASTER bunny–ALWAYS hides at least one egg the largest omnivore’s mouth. (Also, if there are deer antlers or bear skins, you should probably check those too.)

    So actually, that should be a relief, because, in case Victor isn’t aware, people are also omnivores. Having that pig could spare him a great deal of indignity come Easter morn’. Or you. I’m not one to pass judgement.

  25. Too much love causes baldness? I’m gonna use that one. How could you NOT have bought it, and yet gone all the way to Japan with Victor just so he could get samurai swords?

    That smells like ‘Eau de UNFAIR’.

    I liked the name too, I bought a stuffed cane toad and named him Sir Rupert Edward Charles von Mongoloid III. We call him Jerry nowadays.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Etiquette and Coffee, served with Turkey =-.

  26. Where was that estate sale, because if James Garfield isn’t good enough for Victor, he’s good enough for me. And the one next to him too, with the spit, which was so awesome until these other commenters just had to point out it was a mf’ing price tag. His name is Huckleberry.

    Why can’t people just glance quickly at a picture and be done with it? Why investigate Huckleberry for god’s sake? It pisses me off. Sorry, I’m taking deep breaths. But seriously, where can I get JG and Huckleberry?
    .-= Love´s last blog ..Adventures in Babysitting, Part II =-.

  27. Obviously, Victor’s hair loss is a result of HAUNTING by the ghost of James Garfield. Victor should go back and buy him for you before you and Hailey start getting random bald patches in the middle of the night.

    I say you take your pictures of James Garfield and do one of these things – – They make them as big as 24″ x 36″ and it comes with a wall mount. Awesome!

    When I was a kid my dad worked in commercial construction remodels. One time during Christmas time, he worked remodeling a video rental store and they had a bunch of old advertising standups. He snuck home a life size black-and-white Alfred Hitchcock and put it next to the Christmas tree in the middle of the night and put a santa hat on him. My mom screamed her head off when she walked into the living room the next morning. It was awesome.

    So Victor is taking away Hailey’s childhood memories.

    Poor Hailey…
    .-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Nooo….. =-.

  28. If James Garfield belonged to me, I would make him the mascot of my classroom. My high school students would worship him and create a James Garfield cult. That’s the only proper way to honor Mr. James Garfield. Well, that or a Christmas card. Both suit him.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."No you girls" =-.

  29. I should stop reading your blog at night because I start laughing which activates my asthma which makes me cough and sound like an old man and then I have to go find my atomizer which I think is almost out of juice, or whatever crap is in there, so thanks a lot. Again.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..It’s Everybody Can Bite Me Friday! =-.

  30. Oh my god suzy, I just had the most comic visualization of you inhaling Channel #5 gasping for breath. If nothing else, someone needs to take this home mount it on a stick in the backyard, dress their kids in loincloths and reinact a scene from Lord of the Flies. Piggy and Ralph all the way.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..Suck it Scott Storch =-.

  31. JBird, you shoulda just ripped the damn thing off of the wall, inconspicuously of course! And when the little Korean lady runs up behind you yelling and screaming “You break, you buy”….just look at Victor and say “Oops, I slipped”….and he’ll flip out for a second, but then totally come around in a few weeks!
    But then a speedy divorce might inevitably ensue…hmmmm….you should probably make your choice now….but at least ManBearPig doesn’t snore.

  32. Easy answer: tell Victor that the soul of James Garfield needs to be avenged in order for it to stop taking his hair at night. Then you keep snipping away until JG is hanging in your office. PRO TIP: Keep Victor’s hair to glue onto JG when he’s at your house. And if Victor’s all, “Is that my hair?” You can be all, ” I *told* you, his soul needed to be avenged.” And then throw your hands up and walk away. Problem solved.

  33. Okay, dearest Blogess. Please, puh-leeeze tell me where I can buy this masterpiece for $100. Truly, I see his greatness and feel the need to give him a noble home. James deserves it! And I promise to start a blog about how my wife’s GFD response.

  34. Glue is never EVER a good idea. Instead, leave some wax strips/razors/sharp scissors laying around and tell whoever lost the hair (Victor?) that you had to put them back to bed at 3am because they were sleep walking and acting really weird. And now you’ve got no wax strips/razors/sharp scissors left.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Mobility without pictures =-.

  35. Damnit, I think you need to go back and buy that thing. It’s awesome, even if it creeps me the fuck out. Also that is the best Christmas card ever.

  36. By “need to be” I meant “deserve to be” — just reread my comment and realized that I was unclear. You rock and it should be recognized in cold, hard cash. Hopefully soon you will be able to afford all the James Garfields and the houses to keep them in that you want. And Victor?Well he will then realized the GENIUS that you are and never question your wisdom again. Yes, that is they way it would work if bloggers were paid according to their brilliance.
    .-= Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Around The Blogosphere – Week 111 =-.

  37. If that glue thing works out, please let me know. I’m balder than James Garfield. (The boar, not the bore.)

  38. I was going to say what Sarah said – in one of the photos I really thought he’d been done with drool included.

    I have to say, I’m with your husband though. I think James Garfield would freak me out and make me feel nauseous looking at him in my office. The fact that there are only two eligible wall spaces, so he’d probably be about 2 feet from my face while working, OR 2 feet above my head when using the spare bed would add to that.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Good mothers LIKE aural torture =-.

  39. Your Christmas card would have made more sense if Garfield had a fro like Jules in Pulp Fiction. The other head is definitely a Vincent.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Patio =-.

  40. Seriously, were we separated at birth or something… I would have gotten James Garfield to go with the metal buzzard with human finger in its beak that my husband won’t let me put in the living room for some stupid ass reason.
    .-= Shmoo´s last blog ..How I feel about Healthcare reform =-.

  41. OMG! You are fuckin’ hilarious! I’m laughing out loud reading your blog. I’m sure my daughter thinks I’m mental, but she’d never get it, so who cares?! Listen, you already have a picture of James Garfield. I say you make Xmas cards w/that picture w/the Xmas hats on him, and write on it (as Amy suggested), “Happy Holidays And Shit!” That would be freakin’ awesome! Much like James himself!!! (I hope Victor surprises you at Christmas w/James himself! Talk about your wishes coming true!!)

  42. Just tell Victor his shockingly abrupt hair loss was due to the Curse of James Garfield. If he asks what it is, look at him like he’s insane then explain that when Garfield was shot it was because he was mistaken for a wild boar and as a punishment to his killer, cursed all people who didn’t like boars to lose their hair. I think it would work. Hell, I might even use that line.
    .-= Danica´s last blog ..Fantasy Man Friday =-.

  43. The danger of reading this when not entirely awake: I somehow managed to confuse James Garfield with James Garner, and was all OH MY HOLY SHIT, JIM ROCKFORD IS DEAD, so I ran weeping to Wikipedia only to discover that he is, praise Jesus, alive, so I YouTubed those Polaroid commercials he made with Mariette Hartley, but then I remembered how sad I was when I found out they weren’t really married, which sobered me up enough to come back and read this, which made me laugh hysterically, except that the Rockford Files theme song was playing in my head the entire time and that distracted me slightly.

    Anyway, I’m sorry James Garfield is dead. I’m sure he was a lovely person. Also, please do not have atrial pig disease. Merry Christmas.
    .-= mrs. f5´s last blog ..mrsF5: @Melibawa I go to Zaibee’s sometimes. Not often enough, apparently. =-.

  44. Honestly, I think this may be the most perfect post you’ve ever written.

    And also, I spent a really long time trying to figure out why the boar was drooling before I finally figured out that it was a price tag.
    .-= Stimey´s last blog ..On Peanut Butter and iPhones =-.

  45. I really think you should have proposed a two for one deal, because do you really want to be the one responsible for splitting up James Garfield and his little friend? That’d be the most upsetting split since Yoko Ono broke up The Beatles.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..You Capture: Sunrise/Sunset =-.

  46. Fortunately, people still decorate their houses that way. When homeowners run out of wall space, they build additions to accommodate for the accumulating heads, antlers, stuffed birds, etc. It’s in honor of the beasts, they say. Amen.
    .-= katie´s last blog ..I am woman, hear my rectum =-.

  47. James Garfiled is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen, Well maybe not ever. I mean I saw my own bone popping out of my skin that one time I broke my leg and that was slightly more disturbing than that THING, but only slightly.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..I did it! I started! =-.

  48. Hair?
    Why muck around with hair!??

    Just have Victor wake up with a boar’s head next to him and a note saying “Assassination awaits, Mofo”
    Or, even much better, a live boar – – – a sleeping but still-pissed boar.

    I’m sure you’ll think of a way to sedate the boar for the appropriate length of time, yes? . . . Yes? This might be somewhat important . . . . . possibly…

  49. What’s bizarre is that when you said you named him James Garfield, my first thought was, “Well, YEAH. Of *course* that’s his name.” Um, what exactly does that say about me?
    .-= cindy w´s last blog ..Random Friday thoughts =-.

  50. What a douchecanoe!
    You should go back and buy him.
    Haggle, they’ll drop the price. Obviously, they don’t appreciate him as much as you do.

  51. I loved the holiday version of James Garfield…well done! I can only imagine that the boar next to James is Chester A. Arthur? Your post reminded me of my friend Tim’s house. His parents let the kids dress up all the taxidermy animals throughout the house. The best dress up was when they had the Luau. Lays and grass skirts on the squirrels…priceless!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Truman Capote Made Me Cry But I Forgive Him =-.

  52. It’s too late now, but you probably should have used flour and water to make a paste (I heard somewhere that this actually works, though it doesn’t sound like it would) and then you use it it to attach Victor’s hair to his head before he wakes up. Then you can make toast for the morning and be all , “Homemade breakfast. Just like grandma used to make.” At which point you can fall on the drop the toast on his head. So when he finds the paste, he’ll just figure it was left over from the toast (which was apparently undercooked or … under-toasted). And if he doesn’t, you just point to the toast and say, “So are you going to thank me?” *Full-proof strategy*

    It’s too bad I wasn’t here. Also, I rarely comment, but I read your blog a lot. Quite entertaining.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Stuck in the middle with Paul Auster =-.


    I’ve never understood anyone or anything so well! Check out my lovely badger – it’s from France, and it had a long, long life collecting money or handing out caramels or something. I absolutely HAD to own him. And yes, it IS a badger, he’s just lost all his colour and most of his fur. Foretunately for me, my man understood the importance of bringing this one home. We love him, even if he’s a little smelly.

    PS: We’re having a little vest taylor-made for him. And a butterfly.

  54. At first I totally was like, “When did the Rockford Files guy die?!” Then I realized that’s James Garner. Whew. And I would totes want James Garfield as well. Nothing like a huge taxidermy boar to liven up a room! So mid-century…
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Blog, blog, blog… =-.

  55. You know, if you do go back and get James Garfield, you’ll have to buy his little buddy Junior as well. Because JG is all cool but silent, while Junior is talkative as fuck. They’re like the Jay and Silent Bob of Mounted Head World.

  56. If Victor’s issue were not of anti-American-ism but of his cheapskate-ness, I’d totally give you $100 for James Garfield. Scout’s Honor. You can decorate him for all the major holidays: just imagine! Oh my goodness! Great post for my husband to wander all the way to discover your blog. He was so excited and shoved his BB into my face: “Look at this! She found this at an estate sale?! How come her blog is so much more awesome than yours?” Asshole. But he’s right so I can’t really cut his hair off. Btw, if I were going to have more children, I’d name one of them James Garfield. GREAT AWESOME NAME!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Word of the Day: Disguise =-.

  57. I CANNOT believe you walked outta there with James. There should have been a foot stomping, hair pulling, 2 year old tantrum, slobbery FIT! GO BACK! THERE IS ENDLESS FUN TO BE HAD! (Tell Victor 124 people cant be wrong, and he has been outvoted.)

    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Kitchen Insecurities =-.

  58. I’m going to start up a “Save James Garfield” foundation. This is a travesty of justice, and economic stimulus funds should be involved.

    As for Victor, I’d shave his entire head and then tell him you suddenly developed an obsession with Yul Brenner and you couldn’t help yourself. Then just as he starts to think it’s a good idea to be bald tell him he’s disgusting and you want nothing to do with him. Then he’ll be able to empathize with poor James and he’ll let you bring him home. Just a thought.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..11 Years =-.

  59. James GARFIELD! I was halfway through before I realized you weren’t talking about James Garner, and I was all trying to figure out what a balding javelina thing had to do with the Rockford Files guy.

  60. He actually resembles a good friend of mine, a Russian Boar named Arnold. He lives at the animal shelter I work at. He will sit on command and loves to flop over for a belly scratch. Ya’ll could adopt him and rename him James Garfield. That way you can actually pose him for Christmas cards. 🙂

  61. oh my gawd, my grandmother used to have a wicker (yes, wicker) bull head with horns hanging on her kitchen wall. it was often decorated for the holidays. she died before i thought to ask her why she had it, but when her house was cleaned out i got to keep it (oddly, no one else in our entire extended family wanted it). i put it up in my home office, making my husband laugh with relief that it wasn’t somewhere in the rest of the house, but then my office became the baby’s room. it wasn’t an issue while he was an infant, but later i used to see him gazing at it, either in wonder or in horror, or both. so i got afraid that he would have bad wicker-bull dreams (the worst kind), so i put it up on the wall in the basement, and one of its horns broke off. that’s karma, man.
    .-= Catherine´s last blog ..Reader Response =-.

  62. Without revealing her identity, I must share what my sweet mother said in response to my order to “Read the Bloggess”

    I am trying to get into Heaven. The Bloggess is the devil, but funnier
    than hell. I’m going there right now. It’s all your fault. Love you,
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..11 Years =-.

  63. I thought they had some how managed to make a fake drool drop hanging off of the tooth of that one on the right until I realized that was the tag. I can’t believe you walked away from either of those monstrosities. They are both an all season decoration. Easter, Halloween…even Veterans’ Day.
    .-= Cindy´s last blog ..THANKFUL FRIDAY =-.

  64. I’m pretty sure the glue would be too messy, but permanent marker in the right color could work. Of course it’s definitely past 6am right now and I’m also a day late so I guess this advice is pretty useless. Actually it might not be useless because you’ll probably find yourself in a similar situation some day so you can use it then. Your welcome.
    .-= Jen @ lifelovenwine´s last blog ..More than You Ever Needed to Know About Me…but I’m Awesome and Superior so Deal with It (please?) =-.

  65. I think Jen is onto something with the permanent markers. Drawing on eyebrows with sharpies is all the rage with the Cholas down here in Corpus Christi.

  66. OK, I haven’t read all the comments because I’m at work and kind of on a deadline and shit, and really shouldn’t be screwing around reading blogs, but WTF, and if this has been mentioned already then I second the motion.

    PLEASE tell me you are taking donations to raise the money to free James Garfield! You two were clearly meant to be together and I am sure all your loyal minions would chip in a few bucks to make your home more motherfuckin’ festive this holiday season.
    .-= Nona´s last blog ..Bake sale =-.

  67. Oh yeah, human hair…I know this one…OK, first, you need to cleanse the area with Nair. After you have left the Nair on the hair for like three hours, THEN you will want to start applying super glue…NAY, Gorilla Glue, yes, get the strongest possible, THEN place the hair in a circular shape, like you are making a tiny nest. This will give the onlooker the impression that it is nothing but a cowlick and no one will notice a THING! Good luck!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Who, What, When, Where and How of Google =-.

  68. All I can say is…think of your child. There is no amount of therapy that will get her past the first time she sees James Garfield hanging on the wall, or you carrying it into the house. Someone has to think about the children. That is why I think it would be a perfect gift for a cherished friend or in-law.
    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog ..My Rambling Take on 2012 =-.

  69. Oh holy shit, you are fucking batshit. But I like that. That is one sexy pig. But for the love of god, do not put santa hats on something and call it decoration. That shit ain’t right.
    I agree with CedarFlame. Think of your children, when they find out bacon comes from something that looks like that they will never be able to enjoy the crispy goodness without fear of retribution.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..It’s beginning to look a lot like =-.

  70. I would so happily donate to a fund to free both James Garfield and his little friend. They need to be with you and Victor this holiday season..think of the Xmas stories you could all dress up and act out!!
    A Christmas story: Scrooge: Victor
    Bob Cratchit: The Bloggess (cuz the name Cracttchit totally rocks too!)
    Tiny Tim: James Garfield himself…

    maybe this is only hysterically funny in my own mind but I’d have a much more mother f’infestive Xmas with a picture of you all in period costumes handing a turkey to James Garfield on crutches!

  71. Okay, so for summer time you could have put a lei on him and said you “leid” James Garfield. Victor obviously doesn’t understand the awesomeness of being able to say that.
    .-= To Eat or To Die´s last blog ..Our Rules…. =-.

  72. I just can’t believe she laughed at you…like there’s going to be a run for shedding, missing toothed stuffed scary lookin’ ginormous head. What like she was gonna get a better offer?

    Plus didn’t she know who she was dealing with?
    .-= Zoe Rights´s last blog ..New Moon =-.

  73. Whatever you do… please don’t ever stop writing this blog… AND if you decide to stop writing this blog, please just send me emails about your life or I will have to stalk you. Stalk your every move, which will cost me money (because I will have to find you)… money I don’t have… which will take away from my childrens college funds. I’ll do it though, because it really takes away the pain. AND honestly… that’s just worth more than college to me. my kids are smart enough.

    I think it would just be easier for all of us involved if you would just continue to write your blog.

    you are too damn funny! thanks for keeping us all in tears… and those are the good kind, not the sad kind.
    .-= tamiko´s last blog ..Letter to people that don’t have Fibromyalgia (FMS) and/or MPS (Myofascial Pain Syndrome) =-.

  74. I had to stare at that second picture for a long time before I realized that the non JG head was not drooling. I was kind of disappointed when I figured out that the letters were covering a tag, and the “drool” was a string.
    .-= nonlineargirl´s last blog ..Halfway to Where? =-.

  75. Pigsquatch, I mean! I’m sick with a cold or allergies and why the fuck is it that you never see typos until after you click Submit?? What’s up with that??

  76. I am with Victor it is obvious to me that some kind of aerial pig flu has found its way into your being and now is taking over your brain. The only awesome thing about this pig is that it spawned this awesome and hillarious rant of yours. Oh and for the hair just super glue it or duct tape. It works on anything. I am sure at this point Victor won’t mind, it is the least of his worries. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours darling.

  77. I would totally find out who that guy was who played the “Squeal like a piggy” guy in Deliverance — not Ned Beatty, but the hillbilly guy who raped him? — and I’d send him that card with a caption that read, “Who’s your piggy now, bitch.” I’m just sayin’.
    .-= Ed´s last blog ..Three Ears and a Dream =-.

  78. i too fell in love with a giant boar’s head this weekend and i too was forced to return home a little more empty inside for leaving the boar behind. In my case my other half would not agree to diverting the attention of the store owner while i grabbed that beautiful boarish beast and ran. Granted my plan was not all that well thought out and i’m not sure i would be strong enough to yank beast and run – i’m sure the adrenaline would have carried me through – but other half would not be convinced to do the grabbing and running himself.
    What is wrong with other halves these days? Don’t they know their role?
    On the plus side i did bring home some tasty boar ribs and bacon.
    .-= jenn murphy´s last blog ..*$?!#&@! =-.

  79. My skeptism causes me to wonder and remark, “where are their hands, hmm?” “What kind of depraved malfeasance is going on behind that wall?” Those bawdy grins can’t simply be the handiwork of a taxidermist.
    .-= Mr Chris´s last blog ..Coming Prepared =-.

  80. J~
    I know you don’t live anywhere near me… but our home is FILLED with taxadermy! Heads of all sorts.. AND we have two,,, YES TWO,,, of James Garfield… I wanted to send you some photos of our HEADS but I don’t know where to send them…

    OR if you are ever in the neighborhood… stop on by… my husband is a great cook… and that post was his first glimpse into your head…


  81. growing up in the city i have never been in a house with heads on the wall. I have seen it in the movies and thought it would always be cool to have a few heads on my wall. I think i will need to start hunting first. I would like a bear head I think to be my first head on the wall.

  82. James Garfield looks like the already-drunk guy who bursts in the door at a party and shouts “HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!”.

  83. Jenny,

    I’m pretty sure the boar’s name is Olan, after my dad. It looks just like him. Also, I’ve been following you for months now. I mean, I haven’t been literally following you, but I follow your blog. Would it bother you if I literally followed you? It doesn’t seem like it would.

    .-= Paul Curtis´s last blog ..So Easy a Child Can Do It =-.

  84. I’m pretty sure you are missing out on an amazing bargain!. You should have told your husband that if he didn’t let you buy James you would be forced to go hunt down another creature suffering from major hair loss and have it stuffed. Imagine the cost involved with that! Not to mention the cruelty. . .
    .-= Hillsy´s last blog ..White Stag =-.

  85. I don’t know about gluing the hair back on Victor but you could sure as shit sneak into that house and glue it on James Garfield–he’d be way more grateful than Victor.
    .-= Masked Mom´s last blog ..That’s My Boy =-.

  86. Blame Victor’s missing hair on karma….as in: Dude, that’s what you get when you disrespect a follically impaired pigbear!

  87. I just set the holiday James Garfield picture as my desktop background, I have been looking for something motherfuckin’ festive for the holiday season! Thank you so much!

  88. Just flew by to wish you a Happy Gobble Gobble Day and had the Bejeebus scared out of me with those awful pictures. Does anyone know a good orthodontist ?

    Also, to let you know that My Asylum has two pics posted today that reminded me of a post you did one time about your precious little daughter. I know you are a busy busy gal, but mosey over to take a gander. I promise you will smile.
    .-= Swampy´s last blog ..Like (Grand) Mother…Like (Grand) Daughter ! =-.

  89. Just when I thought it was safe to return to the Bloggess…where do you get this wildass shit anyway? Wherever it is, I need to go there too. James Garfield? The really bad actor from the 40’s and 50’s. LMAO. Carry on.

  90. Go and get him! Every house needs one. Mine is mounted on the wall above my bed in my apartment. And by apartment, I mean dorm room. And by mine, I mean “porc”, as we have simply been referring to him.

  91. I suggest you get your hands on one of these: Much smaller than James Garfield, so Victor is less likely to complain. Also, the artist can do all sorts of creative things with those little mice. I had her make a Hamlet mouse for me – standing on his hind legs, wearing a cape and holding a mouse skull in his outstrected paw in the whole “Alas, poor Yorick!” pose. It’s fucking brilliant. And a great conversation piece around the office, which also inspires a little fear in those around you.

  92. Whenever I read your blog my husband tells me to stop. I laugh too loud. But you had me with the title, first and then this image: Like, I kind of dropped my jaw and rocked back on my heels in shock a little…” and plus, everything you said after that. Victor is a lucky man.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..My Plan to Never Wind Up in a Nursing Home =-.

  93. ohmymutherfuckingchrist. IN HEAVEN. Have you ever seen ‘The Princess Bride’? Of course you have, it’s one of the best movies of all time. Anyway, remember that creepy albino dude, when he was all, ‘You’re in the pit of despaaaaiiirrreeee’ in that horrible voice? You know, BEFORE he started talking normally and was hysterical… that first part when you’re all ‘holy crap Wesley is FUCKED’? I’ve been living in THAT pit of despair today. And I just laughed so hard I cried and now i’m in the funny-er pit of despair… the one with the bantering and the laughter even though Wesley’s about to be tortured to death.

    Thank you, I love you.

    Please get Victor to reconsider. James Garfield simply MUST be a regular visitor.


    .-= just beth´s last blog ..Homesick. =-.

  94. I’ve finally found the place where everyone and their mom talks like me, like how I think.

    And your site is designed by Jamie, who, if I liked women, would be my girlfriend. Oh, and she designed my blog.

    In short – the other one’s drooling. Cool points. James (we’re on a first name basis after reading through 182 comments) is fantastic, but not that fantastic, because if I gush about how much I want it, you might have a relapse of those emotions and I’m not entirely sure that is a healthy decision.

    You rock my socks. There. I said it.
    .-= Sydney ´s last blog ..He’s Just Not That Into You: Unfiltered. =-.

  95. I am so very upset you didn’t buy James Garfield. From the moment you named him… HE COMPLETES ME AND I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO SEE HIM IN PUBLIC.

    That is something I’d get. I wouldn’t hang him in my room, though. Cuz of the bugs. Those, and the nightmares.
    .-= K´s last blog ..So much familial love it’s just short of creepy =-.

  96. I just want to wish you and James a Happy Thanksgiving! Though you are separated: you are like Lady Hawk, and James is like, well, IS, Wild Boar. I would have wished Victor a Happy Thanksgiving too if he were not anti-American. But since he is, I assume he does not celebrate this important American holiday.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, G.K.! =-.

  97. OMG. Just. WOW! Where can I find an estate sale that good???

    (insert whine here) I want a James Garfield!

  98. I used to think I was happy, and then I saw this. Now I’m all empty inside. It’s like Marley & Me, but with a dead stuffed wild boar head.
    .-= julie´s last blog ..Sugar & Me =-.

  99. When my sisters and I were little my dad used to take us to this ice cream store that was kind of in a weird neighborhood. The ice cream was pretty good, but every time I think about that place all I remember are the hunting trophies that were all over the place. Lions, tigers, bears (oh my!), elephants, rhinos, water buffalo, alligators, you name it. They had ashtray stands that were made from elephant legs. Honest to Marlin Perkins. It was a strange place.

  100. You know what else is screwed up? On the smaller boar—Jimmy Junior, perhaps?—I thought there was a taxidermied string of saliva. You know, hanging off his tusk. But then I realized it was just the thread to the price tag. But it totally would have been cooler if it had been a taxidermied string of saliva. Maybe you could make some for James Garfield out of hot glue?
    .-= Laura Irrgang´s last blog ..Sally’s Package =-.

  101. okay – so I didn’t read all 194 comments before starting this one..but did you notice that in the photo of the smaller stuffed-head-thingie where it’s telling James Garfield that he totally f-ed up…it looks like HE’s the one with the problem…..because he’s got this major DROOLING difficulty – even in death. That’s messed up. I would hope that when I did, my drooling stops..and the pillows remain dry FOREVER!
    .-= sunny´s last blog ..french bedroom + french dollhouse =-.

  102. my husband totally did not get this blogpost. And I was like, “Yes! I would have wanted James Garfield so baaaadly too!” but forget cutting patches out of husband’s head cuz he’s already bald. That said, I did it to his moustache instead about 3 weeks after we got married (that was 34 years ago).

  103. Wait, I just read this, and I realized that all this time I’d heard about James Garfield, I thought you actually had him in your possession.

    Now I’m sad. Thanks, Victor. Thanks a lot.

    (I do. Victor later went back and rescued him. He’s in my office now. Snarling. James Garfield, that is. Victor is snarling in his own office. ~ Jenny)

  104. I feel like this is the best place to share this even though this is an old post of yours.

    Here is my story:

    First, I feel like I know you. After stumbling upon your blog, many months ago and then reading your book, I totally GET you.

    Then I read about James Garfield and I was like…WAIT A SECOND…this lady is my sister except I wanted this before her, so she is my younger sister.

    Eight or nine years ago, I volunteered to be a waitress at a fancy event that my husband cooked for, (he is a super fancy chef here in Canada and he was even featured in a discovery channel TV show so, he is also super famous, sort of). Anyway, the night that I was a waitress, I fell madly in love with a taxidermy wild boar head. The main course for this event was wild boar from a farm called “Hog Wild” here in Alberta, Canada, which raises wild boar that you can shoot and then eat. The farmer had brought a wild boar head mount to the dinner and he hung it in the kitchen.

    My husband was cooking (wild boar) and I was serving it and other things (badly), to all of the fancy paying guests. Actually, I think the dinner was in honor of the farmers who supplied the restaurant and so they were not regular, fancy, paying guests, which is why I was volunteering, which is why they didn’t have trained service staff that night, but anyway…On an early trip through the kitchen to pick up plates to serve, I noticed; hanging high up on the wall, the taxidermy wild boar head. As you can well imagine, I fell MADLY in love. There he was in all his happy, smiling, tuskey glory.

    I am a terrible waitress. This was the ONE and ONLY dinner I’ve ever been a waitress at and it is NOT my calling in life. I suck at it. Nonetheless I, waitressed my ass of for this fancy dinner and when I was done, I walked up to my sweaty husband and pointed to the boar head and said, “I WANT THAT, get it for me, I don’t care what you have to do”. He tried and spoke with the farmer, (maybe) but it wasn’t meant to be.

    The last eight or nine YEARS, I have been asking/begging for a wild boar head mount. When I saw James Garfield, the pressure was on even more…Here you are, blogging and writing a book; all famous like and YOUR HUSBAND got YOU a wild boar head and mine didn’t…Until, finally, this Christmas of 2012, (after asking for one since like 2002 or 3 or 4) I got one. I GOT ONE! He got one from ebay, who came from POLAND! He took two months to arrive but he is HERE and my husband has allowed me to hang him in our sitting room.

    Mostly, I feel like I started this trend, (maybe it isn’t a trend but I feel like it is now) because I wanted one before you got James Garfield but I’m not going to be judgey like that, except that I have been wanting this for so long that I feel like I need to qualify that.

    Either way, we should be friends because we both have a boar head and if you ever come to Alberta, Canada you should come to my house for dinner because my husband is an awesome cook. We could have wild boar for dinner. Serious.

    Also, I am looking for names and have lots of suggestions but can’t seem to settle on one. I was thinking he should have a polish name because he came from Poland but I’m still working on it. So far Boris Kucharski is at the top of the list but if you have any suggestions that would be great. I could send you a photo if you want to see one.

    He is pretty damn handsome. Not that this is a competition or anything.

    Jacquie from Canada

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