Ode to a blog commenter

Hi.  I’m about to break your computer because I don’t understand how image compression works but stick with me because it’s totally worth it.  It’s no secret that my commenters are almost always way funnier than me.  That’s why I do the “comment of the day” whenever I remember to.  Because then I can steal their awesomeness for my post and they get credit too.  So we all win.  But I win more.  But today I’m going to say thank you to all of my amazing commenters by celebrating this bit of brilliance.  Below is a series of screenshots of comments left here by my friend, Van, aka Furiousball over the last few years.  I know it seems like they wouldn’t make sense since you won’t know what post he’s referring to but you’d be wrong because his comments are almost always totally unrelated to anything in my blog posts anyway.  It’s basically like he’s just having a conversation with me that no one else can understand.  Including occasionally me.  But it doesn’t change the fact that when you look at all of his comments together like this there is a simple, elegant truth to them and it’s a little like eavesdropping on someones inner thoughts when they’re just drunk enough.  Personally I would like each of these printed up in a book entitled “I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About, Van.”  Also, for some reason about a quarter of the way down everything starts to get slightly fuzzy.  It’s probably because I shrunk the screenshots too much, not because you’re having a stroke.  Unless you are actually having a stroke.  That would totally suck.  Let’s get started:

Comment of the day: Well congratulations, comment guy. You fucking win, you jerk. Excuse me while I finish my depressing blog about kids with cancer. Fucking dick.  ~ Just A Girl

129 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You need to publish a book. Just of comments. Mostly, that guys.
    .-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..Beauty Or Beasts. Your Friday Two-Fer. =-.

  2. Jesus wept.

    And by ‘Jesus’ I mean ‘me.’


    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society =-.

  3. God woman, these go back to 2007.
    .-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..Where do you want it? =-.

  4. Holy WTF is this?

  5. There has been pee in my pants since he farted his arms off. I thought I was the only one who did that!
    .-= Brittany´s last blog ..The scariest people come in the smallest packages. Except for Darth Vader, I think he was pretty normal sized. =-.

  6. I see I have my work cut out for me.
    .-= Spamboy´s last blog ..Why I Run #1 =-.

  7. I LOVE Van. In fact, he’s my baby’s Daddy.
    .-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..What’s Necessary =-.

  8. Oh My God…what a strange, strange person! ( Am I being nice enough?)

    Your loyal Canadian Follower…

    .-= Calgarydaddy´s last blog ..Kyron’s Off To Grandma’s House…What Are Mom And Dad Going To Do? ( Wink Wink) =-.

  9. Mainly commenting to tell you that your blog isn’t broken for me. It must like me.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..At the end of this, there’s a prize! =-.

  10. So thats the jizz of it.
    .-= Dandy´s last blog ..Incredible Sky =-.

  11. That’s hilarious, and some are quite funny!
    .-= Honolulu Girl´s last blog ..I Gave In… I Watched Adventureland! =-.

  12. Fiesty lil sucker. I like
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..She’s braver than her momma =-.

  13. I pretty much hate this post, because it really just makes everyone else seem less creative and funny… WTF you?
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Lutsen recap =-.

  14. i just snorted snot all over my computer screen. and no, i’m not kidding.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Menage A Monday Featuring Maria From BOREDMommy =-.

  15. It’s difficult to laugh inappropriately at jizz comments when the boss suddenly shows up at your cubicle.

    And yet laugh I did.

  16. Tell me he’s on Twitter. Dude would rule the twitterverse.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Brews News: the “let’s warm up with beer” edition =-.

  17. Wow… just wow… there’s a lot of comments there… and yes… he needs a book!
    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Review & Giveaway- Suave Wash Them Grow =-.

  18. That’s so beautiful….
    .-= Tony´s last blog ..The Seven Extensions I Use on Google Chrome =-.

  19. Well congratulations comment guy. You fucking win, you jerk.

    Excuse me while I finish my depressing blog about kids with cancer. Fucking dick.
    .-= Just A Girl´s last blog ..Really Starbucks? Really? =-.

  20. Oh I’m in trouble here. Two things that are high on my list of “sexy qualities” in a man: intelligence and humor. He’s got 1.5 of that.

    farting for jesus…….hahahahahhaaaaa
    .-= Dangerous Lilly´s last blog ..Vignettes: Virtual Peep Show =-.

  21. Yup – I often read all of your comments because they are so funny! Unfortunately, this particular comment of mine isn’t funny. Don’t read it.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..She’s having a stick-gasm =-.

  22. Mama Drama does rhyme. Ture story.

  23. Why is his ball so furious, and where is the other one?

  24. Just as with Nancy, I’m not totally convinced this isn’t you.
    .-= The Cotton Wife´s last blog ..Snow = Eat =-.

  25. I don’t know whether to be MORE afraid of clowns now, or LESS

  26. Robot clown porn sex with jizz on top.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Marbles Really Don’t Taste That Good =-.

  27. okay, seriously i can’t read all of them. i had to stop @ “torquing his nutsack into something resembling a flesh colored twister lollipops”.

    the nurse thought i was sobbing i was laughing so hard.

    plus, now i have to go fix my fucking eye liner. thanksalot.

    p.s. by “nurse” i don’t mean like “i’ve finally landed in the looney bin and i’m referring to my personal florence nightingale”. i work with nurses. which also makes me feel safe for when/if i may have a psychotic break. because they have needles.

  28. I tried to read all of those, but about half way through my soul started to bleed.

  29. I’m definately going to start saying “…and that’s the jizz of it.” WIN
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..Jane Austen =-.

  30. I think you may have found my long lost twin sister, who isn’t really my sister by the way and isn’t really a girl either but I digress, and I am so touched by this unfettered love, (Has anyone ever had fettered love? Is it better than unfettered love?) and I finally know where that Xanax staring dead prostitute tied to my roof racks was a gift from my sister, who is not really my sister or even a girl. But you know that already don’t you?

  31. This guy is hilarious!! I don’t know why I’m assuming he’s a guy, except that farting for Jesus seems to be more of a male-centered activity.
    .-= spleeness´s last blog ..Item NOT as advertised. =-.

  32. I gave birth by the time I finished reading all of those. Jeebus Christ, woman! Vic’s going to see this and want to know where his damn Diet Dr. Pepper is.
    .-= Andria Stanley´s last blog ..Introducing… Isabel =-.

  33. That’s awful about Ryan Reynolds, though.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

  34. Sometimes, when my husband says something funny, I ask him where he heard it and insist that he didn’t make it up because he’s just not that funny. I mostly do this to break down his self esteem. Unfortunately, you and this guy are my standards for comedy gold, so he really isn’t THAT funny.

  35. he sounds hot

    seriously, thank you for doing this, i’m going to send you a pecan encrusted sock monkey to thank you for this. i should be done encrusting the pecans in a couple of days, if i can ever get my extreme midget wrestling/porn tape to fucking play again.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Pig Stomach Night! =-.

  36. […] not the “I had surgery to remove a rib to blow myself” kind – The Blogess wrote a whole post about me. F’n […]

  37. Whoa to be a fly on the wall of that brain in action!

    Well, I’d be dead, because I don’t think a fly could survive inside a brain. Never mind what a fly would do to that brain – i.e. make it dead. This is why I’m an engineer. Metaphors are stupid.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Cooties =-.

  38. I’m in love with furiousball. Think he’ll have me?
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..There comes a time when inspiration is no longer needed =-.

  39. Needs more meds….

    Or less.

  40. I’d have to fart a lot too if I had a trash-talking pet block of cheese.

  41. Braveheart was phoning me. Well, when I say ME I actually mean the me that traveled back in time and gave him the phone. He was supposed to dial 9-1-1… guess he got confused. Or 911 wasn’t invented yet.
    Does that mean the downfall of Scotland is my fault… God.. I feel so guilty now . I’ve ruined Scotland and my children? My shrink is so gonna love this!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Sometimes I think I sound like the grownups in Charlie Brown cartoons…. the rest of the time I KNOW I do =-.

  42. He hates Jersey and Evan Dando? What next?!?

    Don’t answer that. I have to go eat some fresh Mozzarella while rockin’ out to the Lemonheads until all is right with the world again.

    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Drivin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo =-.

  43. I am so glad furiousball posted a comment here. I thought you were a dead ball, because she said “Ode”.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..January 2010 Post Roundup =-.

  44. if my eyes start to bleed, is that bad? i think that’s blood, anyway.

  45. Holy Cow.

    In OH so many ways.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Ryan Seacrest Dreams of the Blue Dolphins =-.

  46. all i can say is Thank You.

  47. now i remember…i slept with furiousBall in the flame thrower days. it’s all coming back to me. sort of.
    .-= liv´s last blog ..facehooking. =-.

  48. And I thought I had issues. Not any more.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..up yours, hackers =-.

  49. Idividualy speaking, those comments are awesomely funny. Collected like that…kind of weird and freaky. Like the opposite of how sausage is made.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Curtain =-.

  50. 51
    jarrod yeomans

    Do you know how inconvenient it is to fart your arms off?
    i mean really, you cant even call an ambulance!
    they need a special number for when this happens.

  51. He is like a slinky. He doesn’t really have a purpose, but he still brings a smile to your face when you push him down a flight of stairs.

  52. OK, a few Sundays ago, while describing a sexual encounter over brunch with my girlfriends I answered the question, “So, seriously, how big?” with, I shit you not, “Like, a baby’s arm.”

    Van is my soulmate.

  53. Wow.

    His comments make my jibblets tingly.

    But in a manly way.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Memoir Monday: If only I had owned a black leather jacket =-.

  54. This guy’s site is blocked at my work. I’m so disappointed.

  55. Jizzerific should TOTALLY be a word!
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..Question of the Week – The Best Candy Bar =-.

  56. that was beyond hysterical. i’m so glad I stuck with it long enough to be introduced to the term “scrotal tornado.”

  57. I want to know the etymology of the screen name “furiousball.” My first mental image upon reading it was one of a ferocious little red ball – kind of like an Atomic Fireball but about three times the size and with giant, gnashing teeth. And it can fly.

    Then I started thinking about it and I realized it could mean “angry sex” or “ardent fucking.”

    Or maybe “ball” means testicle and it’s furious because of the ardent fucking.

    I don’t know.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Somehow I Ended Up Fighting Zombies… =-.

  58. 11/20/2008: “..waiting for the weather to turn sexy” I don’t even need to read the rest of them to know that’s my favorite line.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Stuck in the Middle =-.

  59. the really awesome thing is? i totally remember reading so many of those comments. AND THEY’RE STILL HILARIOUS.
    .-= pamela´s last blog ..a little bit of elliott all night long =-.

  60. Oh, AND? I just looked up canadian backhoe. 😀

  61. Ok, that was some funny shit!

  62. I know for a fact Furiousball WAS NOT WEARING his girlfriends panties when he threatened to poop in them.

    He goes commando!

    She, on the other hand, got a big surprise that night at dinner.

    Just sayin’
    .-= Houston´s last blog ..Handi-Man =-.

  63. I’ll have what he’s having.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Sky is Falling, Say Boffins =-.

  64. As soon as I read the ‘clown on a cliff’ comment, I knew it was my husband. Pick up some 2% on the way back to the circus, you fucking moron, or I’ll MAKE your balls furious.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..Even My Fourth Grader Thinks John Edwards is a D-Bag =-.

  65. Those comments are awesome.

  66. 67
    doug richardson

    Whoa. Kafka meets Monty Python, procreation ensues, result comes out feet first, here.

  67. I NEED whatever furiousball is on. Or perhaps I could just lessen his fury then steal his…..
    .-= adulterousellie´s last blog ..Country roads. =-.

  68. Don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me….la la la la la……… Hot Like Me……….
    I’m still singing that in my head (its been 4 days) and I can’t think of anything else…….
    if Infect even 1 more person then my work here is done
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Don’t take benefiber before heading to The Gyno =-.

  69. um…if “I” infect…..I mean the “I” was implied, but in case you need me to spell that out to you……I wrote this as a PS
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Don’t take benefiber before heading to The Gyno =-.

  70. 71

    Mmmm, not-cho cheez fah-jattas with cheapo-tob-lay.

  71. An ode is good, but this guy deserves sainthood.
    .-= Fanning Flashes´s last blog ..My GPS Device Is A Whore =-.

  72. I just died laughing. Literally. I’m typing this from a crypt!
    .-= Heather Kephart´s last blog ..Slow Down, but Keep on Moving =-.

  73. Pure brilliance.
    .-= Katja´s last blog ..Secrets to NOT Paying Retail Price on Designer Clothing =-.

  74. When you decide to set the bar high, you mean Rocky Mtn high, don’t you?
    .-= annie´s last blog ..A Revolutionary Road =-.

  75. OK. That’s just effed up. Yeah. I pissed my pants while reading his comments. And now I think I’m scared of the interwebs.

  76. I can’t believe he told the secret to Clown Sex out here on the interwebs. Jeebus. Now everyone will be doing it.
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Feeling Grand in DC =-.

  77. Hey Van, need an intern?
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Dear 2009, =-.

  78. Must try harder to fart arms off like a real boy.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Cancer Etiquette I Wish People Knew =-.

  79. Ah damn. Now I’m going to be glued to the weather network in hopes there is a cunnilingus storm approaching.

  80. What. The. Fuck. Why didn’t Ryan Reynolds ever rape ME!?

    Sad. Sad. Sad fucking day.
    .-= Jamie Varon | A Life in Translation´s last blog ..In Which You Have a Chance to Win a Custom Tricked Out Blog Design =-.

  81. I really dig Leon.

  82. What the mother of god is going on? Who drove Miss Daisy?

  83. Pure. Fucking. Awesome. I think you should make pocket versions of Van and mass market them to all your blog followers who have their own blogs. That would be fantastic because A) You would get lots of money B) The other blogs would have funny ass comments to look forward to every day and I do not really know what C is.

  84. Dammit, saying ‘that’s the jizz of it’ to mess with people doesn’t work for online. I tried. Acting like they’re crazy just makes me look even crazier.

    And before now, I had no idea that ‘wrench’ was a STD. But Ryan’s handing it out like candy, so…
    .-= K´s last blog ..What the hell, day? =-.

  85. Oh. My. God. I haven’t giggled so much reading blog comments in like ever.

  86. How can I compete with that? How can anyone?

  87. Now I really do have comment envy. *sigh*
    .-= Kim (frogpondsrock)´s last blog ..I can’t like this… =-.

  88. I’m just like WOW this guy is weirder than me, a lot weirder, and he’s got no concept of inside voice/outside voice. I feel kind of envious.
    .-= Spilling Ink´s last blog ..Sometimes I just…. =-.

  89. Is there a time machine so I can go back in time to when I was made, get in queue for an extra helping of funny and wit and then come back to now? No? Damn. This guy is hilarious!

  90. Van is the man. I’m a fan.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..Valley Girl =-.

  91. I’d hit that.

    But probably wouldn’t tell anyone…it’d be our little secret, Van.
    .-= Amo´s last blog ..Look out Erma Bombeck! Here comes Mams… =-.

  92. Holy. Damn.

    And this is why I don’t leave many comments. I’d just dilute the genius.

  93. Wow does he ever raise the bar… I mean, I shouldn’t even bother to comment now. But I will.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Post it note Tuesday =-.

  94. BUT: Whatever happened to NANCY W. KAPPES, PARALEGAL? I miss that lady.
    .-= mayberry´s last blog ..None of the candidates is named Pike =-.

  95. 96

    “i just farted for jesus. and a little one for alan alda too.”

    sorry. that was paraphrased. but i was afraid to dig back thru those posts to find the exact quote.

    furiousballsack makes me feel unfunny. and dirty.

  96. I miss her too. She’s a little MIA at the moment.

  97. Great idea.. Now I wanna be a top commenter.. i say now damnit..lol
    .-= John Paul Aguiar´s last blog ..Just Released: New Twitter Dummy Guide =-.

  98. “how to sodomize a clown” had me LMFAO….make sure that LMNOP’s husband (from your ask the bloggess from yesterday) see that, he might put her at the edge of a cliff to get what he wants! LMNOP, keep your man away from this site!

    and who the F* comes up with comments like furiousball, seriously, I’m feeling the most un-creative creature in the world….but then again, why would I want to think of all those things? hmmm

  99. oh yeah, and is he on twitter, I would love to hear what he has to say there! lol
    .-= Violet´s last blog ..Hi! Yes, I’m Still Here… =-.

  100. Holy crap, this guy is the funniest commenter I’ve ever read! Book is a must…
    .-= Darbzilla´s last blog ..Another day, another dollar… =-.

    .-= gena´s last blog ..drunkdriver =-.

  102. First I would like to state that it’s 10:30am and I’m drinking rum and coke…Fuckin’ breakfast of champions
    Second the “s” key on my keyboard doesn’t work but I have one copied and I just need to post it whenever I need an s…unless I’m blogging, then I have to take out a ball point pen and jam it into the squishy spot (I already took off the s cover) about twenty times and it might work once. Fuckin’ head honchos in the blogging thingy…You think that you’re so great because you’ve stopped me from copying and pasting? Well one of these times I’m going to be blogging and trying desperately to get a much needed s when my pen will slip from the keyboard and I’ll jab myself in the eye. How would you fuckero’s feel then, if I had to wear an eye patch? I don’t think I’d much mind though…It’s like I get to dress up every day as a pirate!!
    Thirdly if you’re going to throw away you’re ikea couch, don’t disect it first. All that’s in the cushions is foam and I don’t mean big blocks of foam like most couches. Ikea uses all of the small reject pieces of foam…smaller than packing foam. Don’t believe me? Go on, take a knife to your blorkfov couch. Oh and cats fuckin’ love the foam…..not too sure if it’s good for them to eat….maybe I should call the vet.
    Fourthly, I’ve forgotten my original point. It was something brilliant and it had something to do with the brilliant commenter and a nobel prize for blog commmenting….Oops I’m out of rum, gotta go!

  103. I learned a lot about clowns. Thanks. In case I ever need to ass-fuck a clown.

    You never know.
    .-= David´s last blog ..Aaaand done! =-.

  104. “torquing his nutsack into something resembling a flesh colored twister lollipops”.

    My mom called right after I read this line. She thought I was having a seizure and was about to call 911. I calmed down long enough to tell her I was laughing, and would call her back as soon as I was calm enough. That was two hours ago, and still can’t manage to pick up the phone without hilarity ensuing. Fucking EPIC!!!!
    .-= LC Aggie Sith´s last blog ..Around the World Wide Web =-.

  105. This makes me feel disturbed. But then, he’s disturbed. So we have a lot in common. This is very disturbing.
    .-= Ninja´s last blog ..Paulson repeats claims that Britain ’screwed’ US over Lehman rescue =-.

  106. I am, now, officially kerfuckled.

  107. Yeah, I’ll give you that he is funny , but not funnier than you.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  108. WHat I find amazing is how his blog—-(the “real” furiousball…? as opposed to the “bloggessfuriousball”…?) reveals a father, and husband, and someone seemingly sane.

    It’s sorta like the well-dressed and very proper lawyer who goes out nightly to punk concerts where he tears off his clothing and screams while pissing himself while writhing on the floor.

    I think I speak for everyone in blogland when I say that we all can relate. . . .

  109. By the way, you ever notice that yogurt looks better than it sounds but doesn’t taste as good as it looks?
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..You forgot your air freshener smells like Stephen Hawking. =-.

  110. I wish I had the ability to cockslap someone….my boss is very deserving

  111. Um… I’m afraid to comment now because I totally suck at commenting.

    You really should get these printed up in a book.
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Not quite ready for potty training. =-.

  112. 113
    west texas gal

    so is this like meta-commenting????

    does he live in Texas? cause i would like him to run for governor. he would be a much better candidate, at least funnier anyway, cause really what do governors do?

    jenny, as you are now in government, i trust you’ll have an opinion

  113. Well, fuck. There’s no point in trying after reading that. Good thing I’m an underachiever or I would actually care.

    I am happy to know how to successfully sodomize a clown, that’s information everyone needs to know.

  114. 115

    Since you are officially a Czar now, you should totally make Van your PR guy. He’s got the skills.

  115. Ass fucking a clown…I’ve always wondered the best way. Now I know. Nice.
    .-= Tisha´s last blog ..Is it March yet?! =-.

  116. […] jack-ass See if you can guess which day was the day that The Blogess posted an article about […]

  117. “Better than what motherfuckers?”

    That one made me spit out my Sprite. Thanks. Now I have some cleaning to do.
    .-= AprilG´s last blog ..The 2nd Birthday Bash! =-.

  118. Epic.
    .-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Just a simple question =-.

  119. That’s brilliant that you can view all of those in one go (I am presuming that you didn’t look at each post and then screenshot his comment!)

    Totally hilarious commenter!
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..buses, brats and bogs =-.

  120. How am I not friends with this person?
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..Fuck Facebook Doppelganger Week =-.

  121. Also, it took me three days to get through all those comments. Don’t judge me, I have shit to do.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..Fuck Facebook Doppelganger Week =-.

  122. If I weren’t married this guy would be right up my alley, he might be crazy enough to follow my train of thought. Thanks for this post!
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..total disconnection of motivation =-.

  123. Can someone please make this into a podcast so I can listen to it on my way home and laugh hysterically for (seemingly) no reason while walking down the street and leave the crazy crackheads on the corner wondering what the hell *my* problem is?
    .-= Tamia – TheStyleSample.com´s last blog ..Changing (style) direction =-.

  124. The backside of it all. Wow what an oddball.
    .-= Xandra Hasegawa´s last blog ..How to Screw Up Your Relationship with a Japanese Woman =-.

  125. […] friend Van (aka furiousball) is a (seemingly) perfectly normal man who has been leaving me random, bizarre comments for literally years.  They’re bizarre non sequiters that have nothing at all to do with anything I’m […]

  126. 127
    Lady Penelope

    I ALWAYS check the blog comments for Furiousball (you too Spamboy).

    Hang on a sec, let me see if I can find pictures first – don’t want to make *that* mistake again, jeesh!

  127. 128

    Dildos will be the best do-it-your-own-way-sex toy. Contrary to a vibrator, a dildo doesn’t move by itself. In fact, it does not do anything you don’t make it perform.

  128. 129

    Dildos will be the best do-it-your-own-way-sex toy.

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