Ode to a blog commenter

Hi.  I’m about to break your computer because I don’t understand how image compression works but stick with me because it’s totally worth it.  It’s no secret that my commenters are almost always way funnier than me.  That’s why I do the “comment of the day” whenever I remember to.  Because then I can steal their awesomeness for my post and they get credit too.  So we all win.  But I win more.  But today I’m going to say thank you to all of my amazing commenters by celebrating this bit of brilliance.  Below is a series of screenshots of comments left here by my friend, Van, aka Furiousball over the last few years.  I know it seems like they wouldn’t make sense since you won’t know what post he’s referring to but you’d be wrong because his comments are almost always totally unrelated to anything in my blog posts anyway.  It’s basically like he’s just having a conversation with me that no one else can understand.  Including occasionally me.  But it doesn’t change the fact that when you look at all of his comments together like this there is a simple, elegant truth to them and it’s a little like eavesdropping on someones inner thoughts when they’re just drunk enough.  Personally I would like each of these printed up in a book entitled “I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About, Van.”  Also, for some reason about a quarter of the way down everything starts to get slightly fuzzy.  It’s probably because I shrunk the screenshots too much, not because you’re having a stroke.  Unless you are actually having a stroke.  That would totally suck.  Let’s get started:

Comment of the day: Well congratulations, comment guy. You fucking win, you jerk. Excuse me while I finish my depressing blog about kids with cancer. Fucking dick.  ~ Just A Girl

129 thoughts on “Ode to a blog commenter

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It’s difficult to laugh inappropriately at jizz comments when the boss suddenly shows up at your cubicle.

    And yet laugh I did.

  2. okay, seriously i can’t read all of them. i had to stop @ “torquing his nutsack into something resembling a flesh colored twister lollipops”.

    the nurse thought i was sobbing i was laughing so hard.

    plus, now i have to go fix my fucking eye liner. thanksalot.

    p.s. by “nurse” i don’t mean like “i’ve finally landed in the looney bin and i’m referring to my personal florence nightingale”. i work with nurses. which also makes me feel safe for when/if i may have a psychotic break. because they have needles.

  3. I think you may have found my long lost twin sister, who isn’t really my sister by the way and isn’t really a girl either but I digress, and I am so touched by this unfettered love, (Has anyone ever had fettered love? Is it better than unfettered love?) and I finally know where that Xanax staring dead prostitute tied to my roof racks was a gift from my sister, who is not really my sister or even a girl. But you know that already don’t you?

  4. Sometimes, when my husband says something funny, I ask him where he heard it and insist that he didn’t make it up because he’s just not that funny. I mostly do this to break down his self esteem. Unfortunately, you and this guy are my standards for comedy gold, so he really isn’t THAT funny.

  5. he sounds hot

    seriously, thank you for doing this, i’m going to send you a pecan encrusted sock monkey to thank you for this. i should be done encrusting the pecans in a couple of days, if i can ever get my extreme midget wrestling/porn tape to fucking play again.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Pig Stomach Night! =-.

  6. Whoa to be a fly on the wall of that brain in action!

    Well, I’d be dead, because I don’t think a fly could survive inside a brain. Never mind what a fly would do to that brain – i.e. make it dead. This is why I’m an engineer. Metaphors are stupid.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Cooties =-.

  7. Braveheart was phoning me. Well, when I say ME I actually mean the me that traveled back in time and gave him the phone. He was supposed to dial 9-1-1… guess he got confused. Or 911 wasn’t invented yet.
    Does that mean the downfall of Scotland is my fault… God.. I feel so guilty now . I’ve ruined Scotland and my children? My shrink is so gonna love this!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Sometimes I think I sound like the grownups in Charlie Brown cartoons…. the rest of the time I KNOW I do =-.

  8. Idividualy speaking, those comments are awesomely funny. Collected like that…kind of weird and freaky. Like the opposite of how sausage is made.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Curtain =-.

  9. Do you know how inconvenient it is to fart your arms off?
    i mean really, you cant even call an ambulance!
    they need a special number for when this happens.

  10. He is like a slinky. He doesn’t really have a purpose, but he still brings a smile to your face when you push him down a flight of stairs.

  11. OK, a few Sundays ago, while describing a sexual encounter over brunch with my girlfriends I answered the question, “So, seriously, how big?” with, I shit you not, “Like, a baby’s arm.”

    Van is my soulmate.

  12. that was beyond hysterical. i’m so glad I stuck with it long enough to be introduced to the term “scrotal tornado.”

  13. I want to know the etymology of the screen name “furiousball.” My first mental image upon reading it was one of a ferocious little red ball – kind of like an Atomic Fireball but about three times the size and with giant, gnashing teeth. And it can fly.

    Then I started thinking about it and I realized it could mean “angry sex” or “ardent fucking.”

    Or maybe “ball” means testicle and it’s furious because of the ardent fucking.

    I don’t know.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Somehow I Ended Up Fighting Zombies… =-.

  14. I know for a fact Furiousball WAS NOT WEARING his girlfriends panties when he threatened to poop in them.

    He goes commando!

    She, on the other hand, got a big surprise that night at dinner.

    Just sayin’
    .-= Houston´s last blog ..Handi-Man =-.

  15. Whoa. Kafka meets Monty Python, procreation ensues, result comes out feet first, here.

  16. OK. That’s just effed up. Yeah. I pissed my pants while reading his comments. And now I think I’m scared of the interwebs.

  17. Ah damn. Now I’m going to be glued to the weather network in hopes there is a cunnilingus storm approaching.

  18. Pure. Fucking. Awesome. I think you should make pocket versions of Van and mass market them to all your blog followers who have their own blogs. That would be fantastic because A) You would get lots of money B) The other blogs would have funny ass comments to look forward to every day and I do not really know what C is.

  19. Dammit, saying ‘that’s the jizz of it’ to mess with people doesn’t work for online. I tried. Acting like they’re crazy just makes me look even crazier.

    And before now, I had no idea that ‘wrench’ was a STD. But Ryan’s handing it out like candy, so…
    .-= K´s last blog ..What the hell, day? =-.

  20. Is there a time machine so I can go back in time to when I was made, get in queue for an extra helping of funny and wit and then come back to now? No? Damn. This guy is hilarious!

  21. Holy. Damn.

    And this is why I don’t leave many comments. I’d just dilute the genius.

  22. “i just farted for jesus. and a little one for alan alda too.”

    sorry. that was paraphrased. but i was afraid to dig back thru those posts to find the exact quote.

    furiousballsack makes me feel unfunny. and dirty.

  23. “how to sodomize a clown” had me LMFAO….make sure that LMNOP’s husband (from your ask the bloggess from yesterday) see that, he might put her at the edge of a cliff to get what he wants! LMNOP, keep your man away from this site!

    and who the F* comes up with comments like furiousball, seriously, I’m feeling the most un-creative creature in the world….but then again, why would I want to think of all those things? hmmm

  24. First I would like to state that it’s 10:30am and I’m drinking rum and coke…Fuckin’ breakfast of champions
    Second the “s” key on my keyboard doesn’t work but I have one copied and I just need to post it whenever I need an s…unless I’m blogging, then I have to take out a ball point pen and jam it into the squishy spot (I already took off the s cover) about twenty times and it might work once. Fuckin’ head honchos in the blogging thingy…You think that you’re so great because you’ve stopped me from copying and pasting? Well one of these times I’m going to be blogging and trying desperately to get a much needed s when my pen will slip from the keyboard and I’ll jab myself in the eye. How would you fuckero’s feel then, if I had to wear an eye patch? I don’t think I’d much mind though…It’s like I get to dress up every day as a pirate!!
    Thirdly if you’re going to throw away you’re ikea couch, don’t disect it first. All that’s in the cushions is foam and I don’t mean big blocks of foam like most couches. Ikea uses all of the small reject pieces of foam…smaller than packing foam. Don’t believe me? Go on, take a knife to your blorkfov couch. Oh and cats fuckin’ love the foam…..not too sure if it’s good for them to eat….maybe I should call the vet.
    Fourthly, I’ve forgotten my original point. It was something brilliant and it had something to do with the brilliant commenter and a nobel prize for blog commmenting….Oops I’m out of rum, gotta go!

  25. “torquing his nutsack into something resembling a flesh colored twister lollipops”.

    My mom called right after I read this line. She thought I was having a seizure and was about to call 911. I calmed down long enough to tell her I was laughing, and would call her back as soon as I was calm enough. That was two hours ago, and still can’t manage to pick up the phone without hilarity ensuing. Fucking EPIC!!!!
    .-= LC Aggie Sith´s last blog ..Around the World Wide Web =-.

  26. WHat I find amazing is how his blog—-(the “real” furiousball…? as opposed to the “bloggessfuriousball”…?) reveals a father, and husband, and someone seemingly sane.

    It’s sorta like the well-dressed and very proper lawyer who goes out nightly to punk concerts where he tears off his clothing and screams while pissing himself while writhing on the floor.

    I think I speak for everyone in blogland when I say that we all can relate. . . .

  27. so is this like meta-commenting????

    does he live in Texas? cause i would like him to run for governor. he would be a much better candidate, at least funnier anyway, cause really what do governors do?

    jenny, as you are now in government, i trust you’ll have an opinion

  28. Well, fuck. There’s no point in trying after reading that. Good thing I’m an underachiever or I would actually care.

    I am happy to know how to successfully sodomize a clown, that’s information everyone needs to know.

  29. Since you are officially a Czar now, you should totally make Van your PR guy. He’s got the skills.

  30. I ALWAYS check the blog comments for Furiousball (you too Spamboy).

    Hang on a sec, let me see if I can find pictures first – don’t want to make *that* mistake again, jeesh!

  31. Dildos will be the best do-it-your-own-way-sex toy. Contrary to a vibrator, a dildo doesn’t move by itself. In fact, it does not do anything you don’t make it perform.

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