Also, I invented gravity.

in bizarre, I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, mixing medications, Random Crap, rants, stuff better left unpublished

People that I’m suing this week:
1. My 10-year-old niece, Gabi
2. The creators of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
3. Natalie Dee

Why?  Remember back in January of 2009 when I invented kitten-mittens? Remember? And you said it was awesome? Fuck. Hang on. Here’s a snippet of the post to jog your memory:

…I also came up with another idea to re-purpose used breast-pumps to suck dead kittens inside out because then…TA DA!…fur-lined mittens for homeless people. I told my friend Kregg about it and he was all “That’s…weird” and I’m all “It’s weird that no one’s ever thought of it before. Because no one wants dead kittens or used breast-pumps so this way we’d be keeping them both out of the landfills and we’d be helping the homeless. It’s practically carbon zero!” Then Kregg mentioned something about PETA and firebombs and I was all ”I’d only use kittens that were already dead from non-communicable diseases, Kregg. I wouldn’t just go around haphazardly turning live kittens inside-out. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake” and frankly I’m a little insulted I even had to clarify that. I’m doing this to help the homeless. Not for my own personal kitten-mitten collection. I live in Texas, y’all. I don’t even need mittens.

And then I applied for a grant to make the kitten-mittens but they haven’t responded so all the kitten-mittens I’ve made have come out of my own pocket.  Because I’m a fucking philanthropist.  (Also, in the interest of full transparency I haven’t actually made any kitten mittens yet but I did once  scalp and dismember a stuffed rabbit to make an Easter outfit for my kid and that’s pretty damn close.)

Oh, stop judging me. She looks adorable.

Bottom-line?  No grant funding.  Homeless people are still freezing.  Cats are still being wasted. And I can only assume that all of this happened because I’ve been lost in the shuffle since so many people ARE STEALING MY IDEAS.

Exhibit 1:

My ten-year old niece who won a Young Inventors competition for inventing “Crazy Climbers”, which are gloves that sounds suspiciously like “kitten mittens” and are actually mittens. YOU COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS, GABI.

Also, SHE'S WEARING A SHIRT WITH A FUCKING KITTEN ON IT. She's totally mocking me here.

It’s going to hurt me to sue her but it’s still going to happen.  I love you but this is what happens when you mess with family, Gabi.  Go watch The Godfather.

Exhibit 2:

When you google “kitten-mittens” I’m not even on the first page.  Instead it’s just pages of links to this video from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.

And you can see how they tried to avoid a copyright issue by spelling their kitten mittens as “kitten- mittons.” I’m sorry but no.  No one’s falling for it, assholes.
Exhibit 3:

Natalie Dee’s kitten-slipper comic from last week:

nataliedee.com

This one hurts the most because I actually really like Natalie Dee.  And also because it’s sort of brilliant.  I mean, why stop with kitten-mittens when you can move to kitten-booties?  It was the next logical step and I failed to make it.  So I guess this one’s on me.  But still, I’m suing Natalie because I bet she’d be fun to hang out with in court.  Do you get sit next to the people you’re suing?  Because that would be awesome.

Also, I just want to point out that I do understand that sometimes people can come up with the same idea without it actually being “stealing” because once when I was eating peanuts I invented peanut-butter.  Because basically that’s how you get peanut butter.  Just by chewing up peanuts.  I bet when the first person was all “Hey everybody!  I just invented peanut-butter!” and spit out a big wad of peanuts he’d been chewing everybody else was all “Are you fucking kidding?  We’ve been doing that for years, buddy” and he was all “Yeah, but I just named it.  I win.”  And that man’s name was Peter Pan.  Or possibly Jiffy.  I don’t know.  We didn’t study peanut-butter history at my school.

Comment of the day:

Hiawatha killed the noble Mudjokivins.
Of the skin he made him mittens,
Made them with the fur side inside,
Made them with the skin side outside.
He, to get the warm side inside,
Put the inside skin side outside;
He to get the cold side outside
Put the warm side fur side inside.
That’s why he put the fur side inside,
Why he put the skin side outside,
Why he turned them inside outside.

It’s been done. Sorry. ~ Smiley (And also Longfellow)

137 thoughts on “Also, I invented gravity.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Funny, I’ve been threatening to turn my cats into mittens for years. (But if you promise not to sue, I’ll pretend I never did.) Though personally, I think they’d make better earmuffs. I’m just saying.

  6. My grandpa and his brother used to catch, kill and skin stray cats and sell them to the leatherworks company for fur-lined gloves. In Cleveland in the 30’s. Is that related?
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..No Salient Category =-.

  8. I for one am outraged by the waste of cats. Get your ass in gear and make me some kitten-mittens lady. I freezing here. -9…fuck you mother nature you hormomal bitch.

    Also-his name was Mc Jiffy. Peanut butter was invented by the Irish
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..“She lives for an audience” =-.

  9. Sometimes it takes everything in me to not make SOME kind of fucking clothing out of the skin of my cat. But then he looks at me with those huge frog eyes of his and i can tell what he’s thinking….”its either me or her, and i’m a lot more nimble then her fat ass”

    So, what i’m trying to say is i’m offically afraid of my cat. He is evil.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Weekly weird find on the World Wide Web… =-.

  12. When I was a kid, my dad had this picture book called 101 Uses For A Dead Cat. It did not contain kitten-mittens but it did have a rather creative pencil sharpener. I blame that book for my really messed up sense of humor.

  14. Oh, but you still have the market cornered on mittens MADE OUT OF kittens. Sunny’s kitten-mittons are mittens you put on a cat to keep the fucker from stomping around so loudly (I think ALL of us with cats know what this is like. Cats are loud sons of bitches). Both are equally genius. You and Charlie should go into business TOGETHER.
    .-= Operation Pink Herring´s last blog ..Oh, give me a home =-.

  15. My dear Bloggess,
    Dammit! You just have to run and manufacture the damn kitten mittens yourself!
    …then you can laugh all the way to the bank. Literally, because you should definitely be wearing the mittens when you cash that fat check. And it will be freaking hilarious.

  16. Oh good lord… when Hailey turns about 15 and her MySpace BFFs find that photo, she is gonna put a contract on you. And, she will probably hire a lawyer who uses the “Her mother was one crazy woman, and so my client had to pay to have her killed” defense.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..? Another Day Older… =-.

  20. And your cat invented Cat Hats so you better hurry up on that one before someone steals it and you’re left shitting it away. Just make sure your cat gets some of the profit or it will claw your larynx out in your sleep. Watch yo back sistah.

  23. Just so you know, in Virginia we actually DO study peanut butter history.

    I failed accounting three times but I can tell you all about some damn peanut butter.

  24. See now I am finding myself skipping straight to the comments to find the dude that you were honoring yesterday on your blog. But I don’t even remember his name and I am too lazy to open a new window to find out.

    Isn’t suing just what Texans do for a living anyway? We had a guy up here from Texas. He liked to sue people. We liked to prank him. He deserved it. We totally told him that it gets so cold up here that he is going to need a steel wool suit from Quinn The Eskimo and he totally went there looking for one. We also told him that if he went home for Christmas he is going to miss the great pengin roundup. When he got back from his sunny Christmas in Texas, he was very disappointed that he missed it.

    That’s what Canadians do. We prank people who sue people for fun.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..In which I begin to lose my goddamned mind… =-.

  25. How about a sleeping bag made from a giraffe? It might break the breast pump but one giraffe equals like a billion kittens! THINK BIG JENNY!
    .-= Ariel´s last blog ..Dear Glee: =-.

  26. George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. He stole a white guys name first, over came oppression/slavery, and then he couldn’t afford anything but peanuts and voila…peanut butter! Then Peter Pan stole his idea and took it with him to Neverland. True story…maybe.
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..A Note to Some of My Coworkers =-.

  27. Damn it! My husband and I have been planning this for YEARS. We’ve even gone as far as to rename them ‘Slippers’, ‘Mittens’, and ‘Earmuffs’ after the article of clothing they will become.

  29. My cat, Miss Underfoot, has been lobbying to be a slipper since kittenhood. Hence the name. For all the times she has tried to kill me on the way to the bathroom at night, I may steal your kitten-mittens idea just to spite her.
    She and Annie are large enough now that I may be able to make slippers AND mittens out of the two of them, but I already have slipper plans for those two “barking rats” down the alley from me.
    .-= NermalTheHun´s last blog ..Why We Should Boycott ComScore (and *perhaps* why traders should short their stock) =-.

  33. PS I was watching an episode of “I Love Lucy” and James Garfield was in it! He was *totally* a famous TV star in the 50’s. Oh the secret lives of our wild boars…It was the episode where Ricky’s jealous and gets a “daddy shower”.
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..A Note to Some of My Coworkers =-.

  34. I have two cats and a used Medela breastpump that I can donate to your new business. The cats are still alive, but once you see what they do to your furniture, I’m sure that little problem will take care of itself. 😉

  36. Dear, Jenny:

    I would like to spend a day in your brain even more than I’d like to be piloted to outer space by Sir. Richard Branson, personally, on one of his nifty little spaceships while sipping mimosas, tweeting about it and feigning disinterest…in really cute heels.

    In short: Your brain is the MOMA of the internet.

    xo
    KatrinaME

  37. P.S. Your baby is the cutest naked bunny ever. And ladybug…or whatever insect she was recently. It may have been a bee. I forgot. But she was real cute. And taller.

  38. I was just contemplating whether Peter Pan Peanut Butter might actually be employing a gang of Lost Boys to chew up their peanuts and spit them into a bottle (thereby making peanut butter). Of course, we all know that their public company policy is only to make peanut butter via mastication by enslaved relations of Tinkerbell … but now I wonder …

  44. If your kitten mittens are as cute as the scalped and dismembered stuffed rabbit I’m totally behind you 100%. I would love to help you sue all the “copy cats” (ooh bad pun), I don’t have any type of law degree but I watched almost all of the episodes of “The Practice” so we should be good.

  46. But if it’s “kitten-mittens” wouldn’t it be “kitty-booties?” For the sake of rhyming n’ all….

  49. Okay, so you missed out on kitten booties, but there’s plenty more pet pandemonium to be had. What about Scottie Scarves and Huskie Head Hats. You can totally pull this one out.

  50. See, when I think about kitten mittens, I think about having to stick my hands up the cats’ butt holes and that just totally grosses me out because that means I’d totally get cat crap all up under my fingernails. Sooo unhygenic.

    On the other hand, piranha mittens make me giggle.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Making Valentines 101 =-.

  51. what i want to know:
    1). what do Gabi’s Crazy Climbers have to do with the SUN heating up the sliding board (see her drawing)
    2). why is mr. sun wearing pussy booties?
    3). who is that red guy in the bowler hat in the background?

    all of these questions pertain to Gabi’s drawing.

    sorry. i can’t look at the big picture. i’m an obscure picture kinda gal…

  53. I really have to try to read your blog from home in the morning before I get to the office….because I’m going to get busted laughing aloud!!! oh and thanks for that!

  54. Gah – that reminds me, the Science Fair proposal deadline is Friday. Can I take your idea? If I ask nicely does that avoid a long and nasty court case?

  55. Judging from her presentation board, she would have totally lost my middle school invention contest… I poured hours of labor, investigation and creativity into those two blue ribbons I won… It’s so sad looking back realizing just how little effect the invention contest had on my life… I couldn’t even put it on my college application… something about the extracurriculars all having to be from high school… evil admissions bastards
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..And Now a Letter to Madame Kwon… =-.

  57. Also (besides kitten-mittens and kitten-booties), you should do kitten-caps, kitten-ear-muffs, maybe even kitten-bras. Ooh, and then you could do all that but IN PUPPY FORM! And for emo’s, you could make it all using BLACK kittens. Ooh, and for cheerleaders, you could make kitten-skirts and kitten-pom-poms!!! But for the skirts you should use really small kittens, otherwise the cheerleaders will complain that the skirt is too long. Okay, well…I’ve lost interest now, so I think I’ll just-
    Ooh, coffee!!!
    -M.E.
    .-= Miss Eccentric´s last blog .._ (Blank) =-.

  59. When I was growing up, my bedroom door had animal skins pinned to it. There were 3 cat skins, my pet rabbit’s skin (he was tasty) and a wallaby skin. I used to spend a lot of time just patting the dead animals.

    True story.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Blocked =-.

  60. Um, I think Gabi got you on a technicality, which in a way is mocking you even more. What she made are GLOVES not MITTENS.
    .-= sarah´s last blog ..A Parable. =-.

  61. As Bob Barker ( God rest his soul ((he may not be dead but may God grant rest to his soul anyway))) used to say have your pets Spayed or Bootiered.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Curtain =-.

  64. Hiawatha killed the noble Mudjokivins.
    Of the skin he made him mittens,
    Made them with the fur side inside,
    Made them with the skin side outside.
    He, to get the warm side inside,
    Put the inside skin side outside;
    He to get the cold side outside
    Put the warm side fur side inside.
    That’s why he put the fur side inside,
    Why he put the skin side outside,
    Why he turned them inside outside.

    It’s been done. Sorry

  67. I’m pretty sure that George Washington invented peanut-butter. Or maybe Jimmy Carter. Or maybe it was Jimmy Carver, or else Jimmy Walker Washington Carver Jr. I learned that because our school was ADVANCED.

  68. Just so you know, you came THIS CLOSE to being sued for taking my intellectual property.

    Then I realized you said ‘kitten mIttens’ and not ‘kitten mUttons’ which is my ingenious cross between cats and elderly sheep.

    Turn THOSE fuckers inside out and NOW you’re talking hand warmth, bitch.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society =-.

  69. I think Alice is on to the next logical step in the expansion of kitten garments. As people age, they tend to grow less hair in some places at the same time they grow more hair in others (who needs more ear hair, anyway?). I think Kitten Kitties could be marketable to the growing population of aging boomers. Merkins have existed forever but you could use scrap kitten fur that may otherwise be wasted in the mitten-making process or use kittens too small to make usable mittens. Genius, I tell ya!

  70. I think mittens sound like a great way of recycling all those spare dead kittens we have lying around. Wouldn’t the whiskers tickle your wrist though? (I mean, I presume you turn them inside out from the mouth end, so that you can use the tail for your middle finger and the legs for your other fingers – because turning them inside out from the other end would just be silly)…

    But why stop with the kitten-mittens? All those spare dolphins in tuna nets would make great wetsuits. And a poached elephant turned inside out would make a handy car-cover…

    I’m sensing some market potential here.

  71. I would like to say that I remember that post and HAHAHAHA what a swell time we’ve had since then, Jenny. And I’d use your name because that shows people we’re tight, Yo. And then I’d feel all self-important because look at me and my famous blogging friend.

    I’d like to say that, but I don’t remember the post.

  72. well listen, how the fuck-a-doodle doo do you think I feel? I get an email one day from a man from East Texas, Pennsylvannia (which by the way is the dumbest name for a town ever… like I’m going to found a town here in Jersey called South Dakota, New Jersey)… anywho, this guy says he is sick and tired of his loose change in his car filling up his ashtrays and various jars. So what do I do? That’s right, I killed a chihuahua and hollowed it out into a bobble-head coin holder.

    Ask me where the coins go in.

    Same answer I always give…

    In the butt.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Pig Stomach Night! =-.

  73. Everyone knows that George Washington Carver stole the recipe for peanut butter from Peter Pan in a covert operations coup.

  74. I always thought cats were kind of small to make mittens out of. I threaten to make ear muffs out of mine. Like if you want a matching set, they need to be made from the same cat, right?

  75. For the record (that sounds all legally didn’t it), we are using Larry as our lawyer, so you have to PAY for yours. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to settle this out of court with a thumb wrestling contest. Unless the city of Martindale is providing you with an attorney. Then we propose rock, paper, scissors.

  76. Whatever. I’m using Uncle Larry as a lawyer too. HE’S THE FAMILY LAWYER. If anything he should just concede now because there’s no way he’s going to beat himself.

    Awesome. Now I have a headache.

  77. I would totally wear Kitten Mittens (I wish I had that little copyright sign, so everyone could know Kitten Mittens are copyright THE BLOGGESS JENNY LAWSON)…but really..I fucking hate cats. The devil can deny deny deny but we all know he created cats in spite. It’s sooooo obvious, devil. Fucking cats.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Your “vintage” desk is fugly. =-.

  82. do i hafta say it? it is late and i am drunk…
    kitten pussy toupees.

    there.

    nuff said.

  83. I invented pants with a cell-phone pocket in the crotch. Just turn your cell phone on vibrate, slip into the pocket and presto! double the pleasure, double the fun. I can’t get anyone to help market my innovative pants and I can’t sew so I haven’t even made a prototype, but I just know I could make a gazillion dollars with this.
    .-= NeCole Scott´s last blog ..For My Sister…Just Because =-.

  85. I used to have a book called “101 uses for dead cats” and it had slippers in there but not mittens. I think it’s a first. My cat just turned his back on me. I don’t understand….
    .-= Spilling Ink´s last blog ..Sometimes I just…. =-.

  87. uhm…. just thought you should know that someone seems to be making them. A “Wanted” ad was featured on Jay Leno’s “headlines” segment yesterday reading:
    “Wanted – Let me give your cat a good home. Accepting old strays. Full litters. Fur lined gloves for sale. xxx -xxxx” ….. uhm – creepy
    You can watch it here in the headlines segment – (second section, about the middle)
    http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/episodes/#vid=1198472 cl

    P.S.: Thanks for all the fun

  88. How about a kitten fascinator? You could totally wear it to a wedding and be the talking point (though I guess that’s meant to be the bride, right?)

  89. The best thing about reading you at 3 am Los Angeles time is that I don’t feel like I’m the only mental patient on the ward.

  90. I wouldn’t be too worried about “crazy climbers.” The picture behind her is of a little white girl doing the black power salute because wow, she climbed a slide. And also, that is totally the sun from the old california raisins commercials. And I think there is another little girl sitting on the ground because she couldn’t climb a slide without her crazy climbers. Or she has California Raisin sun stroke. Probably both.
    .-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..Blogger Idol Round 5 finally for real this time / I am So So SO Sorry, Mr . Geisel =-.

  91. Man. And I thought I was a bad aunt! I forget (OK, ignore) my niece’s and nephew’s b-days, but I’ve never threatened to sue them! Thanks for making me feel better about my lack of auntly skills!

  93. Just last night my fiance and I watched the Kitten Mittons episode again. We have it DVR’d and since our cat is named Kittens, we are constantly referring to “Kitten Mittons!!”. Every once in a while we watch it again just to laugh, so please don’t sue them. Very few things make me laugh, and strangely, they usually involve kittens…and mittens…and of course buttered toast.

  94. I always thought a kitten-fur bra would be the bomb. Fur-side in, of course. It would be so snuggly on cold days!

  95. Okay. You people are seriously sickos! I mean seriously! And, I thought I was bad using fluffy white kittens for environmentally friendly toilet paper. Hey. Don’t look at me. I didn’t think it up (remember those Royale toilet paper commercials?)… While great in theory, I don’t recommend trying it. You end up with nasty scratch marks all over your ass. I guess that’s why using dead kittens is better than live ones, but its still sick,even if you can just flush the dead ones after use.

  96. They are so mocking you. I love you bloggess, you rock. Also, you would be interested in Taken Tuesday… basically I steal one of your blogs….and give you credit. It is a win win. I get to be lazy and you get extra traffic… oh wait you have way more traffic than me anyway.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Hump Day hate =-.

  98. Dawn, the idea of roadkill mittens is a good one, however you’d have to deal with all the severe damage that can happen to most roadkill. It would be an expensive endeavor, because you’d have to pick through the mangled roadkill to get the good roadkill, etc. etc…

    That makes me wonder… what do the roadkill collectors do with the kill after the scrape it from the road? curious…
    .-= Darbzilla´s last blog ..Another day, another dollar… =-.

  99. oh hey, you probably don’t care because you are already famous and people like me are just a drop in a bucket, but I gave you a Kreative Blogger Award because I think your blog is awesome. If you don’t want it that’s fine. No pressure. You are probably too big for a small award.

    I am so scared of you!

  100. Why stop there? Why not kitten leg-warmers? I have two cats you can practice with. I would love to have a pair of orange and white kitten leg-warmers.

    Sadie

  101. My husband keeps saying that our dogs ears would make a nice keychain – or possibly a coin purse. I think that this is different enough that you shouldn’t sue us. I hope.

    If I were as cool as furiousball I would have posted that comment totally unrelated to put byproducts. Why do I never think of these things the day before you post?!?! He is like an evil genius. Actually, maybe not so much “like.”
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Post it note Tuesday =-.

  102. Dude. Did you just post about peanut butter during Black History Month and say you didn’t know who invented it?
    Man. I thought the Diet Dr. Pepper comments were bad. Just wait until some idiot freelancer latches on to this post!
    .-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Kaput computer =-.

  103. In unrelated news…wait isn’t this entire blog a springboard for segues? Anyway…I got to use the word ‘douchecanoe’ in the appropriate context AT work! It is simply sublime when said aloud.

  104. I’ve got some ideas for living kittens because they eventually become sorry excuses for pets. It doesn’t hurt the kitty but are quite entertaining.

  106. Wow, I can’t believe what a backstabbing little bitch of a niece you have. Shocking!! Frankly, I would have much preferred to pass along my used breast pump to your noble cause then give it to my step-sister, Brittani – who did nothing but use it to feed her infant. Big fucking deal! Also, I’m 99% sure it was possessed by demonic attachment parenting spirits. It whispered “wacko wacko” with each and every pump. Spooky as hell Good luck with your litigation!
    x,
    Paula
    http://www.adhocmom.com

  107. Do you think you could make some sort of clothing out of ex-boyfriends? They can be made pre or post death. I have one if you would like to make something.

  108. I seriously hope that you did not mail Gabi her coat back. That little whore. And the guy with the video I killed him or maybe he’s just tied up and ball gagged in my basement because you mean that much to me.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday??? =-.

  109. Dear Bloggess,

    I’ve decided that instead of Happy Valentines day- we’re converting to happy Zombie day. Because who doesn’t love zombies? They deserve love too. More-so cause they’re undead, and that’s significant. And impressive. And Frankly, I should work for the candy companies- they’d make so much money; it would scare them. Maybe as much as …a ‘happy Zombie day!” So… yea; and I thought I would write, and get you in on this idea- because you are amazing. And so you won’t sue; and because this is pretty huge. Especially because normal valentines day just sucks. Any way. I’m willing to give you credit for this idea, so long as you direct the candy companies to me… But we can work that out later. 🙂

  112. Little does your cat know…as he so sweetly sits on your head, what your inner evil bad kitty thoughts are. We are so totally thinking about revoking your “You know you are a cat person when…” status on our blog, however the dogs in the room are laughing hysterically at your post, high pawing each other and chest bumping. What to do? WHAT to do? So conflicted.
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..A Little Story About A Man, A Dog & Heaven =-.

  115. So…my male mouse just had babies. I know. I thought about putting him on Oprah since she likes to interview male mothers, but instead I’m wondering what the heck I’m supposed to do with the bajillion baby mice running around my house right now.

    Can you convert THEM into something? Mouse-y Mittens?
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: Open Letter To Grumpy Bear =-.

  118. I read this to Jesse and he wants to know what you’re going to do with the bones of the kittens. Because you know they have bones right? He’s always smashing good ideas like this. Don’t listen to him. Good thing this is like the millionth comment so you probably won’t see it anyway.
    .-= Randa´s last blog ..Tell Me You Missed Me I Need This… =-.

  119. oooh I must know how court turns out! Will Gabi cry in court? How will family relations now be? Also what shall be the fate of the ”Kitten Mitten”? … now you’ve got me hooked and I have to stay tuned. Pfft. You did that on purpose….
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..Chicks on Sticks =-.

  121. Can I donate a kitten to the cause?? My roommates cat is a B and now she’s scratched me.

  126. I have always talked about turning my dogs into coffee or end table bases. Just have them stuffed so that the glass you want to use for the top sits flat across the back and top of the head! Or stuff them laying on their backs with their 4 legs up to place the glass top onto!

  127. The comment of the day is awesome. Although Hiawatha’s stupid; if that way round is so warm, why didn’t the mudjokivis think of it?

  128. Sue Longfellow.
    It’s so obvious that guy used a time machine to very specifically find ideas to steal from the internets.
    Just because someone thought of it before you, doesn’t mean it was THEIR idea. Set a new legal precedent.
    I’d be glad to be a character witness.

  129. You know what? Thank god you posted this because I asked my friends the other day where I heard the story of inside-out kitten fur-lined gloves, and they looked at me like I was dishing up fava beans and Chianti.

  132. Um, Jenny? I would just like to clarify that your niece is wearing gloves, not mittens. I know this because as a knitter, I’m correcting people all the time when I give them mittens and they’re like, “Oh awesome, gloves!” and then I have to tell them what their gift really is and then I feel like a jerk for correcting them even though I shouldn’t have a problem with it because I just spent 7 hours of my life making them something to keep their hands warm, because we live in Michigan and that sort of thing is practical.
    PS, I absolutely adore your blog. I have been a follower for about a month now. But I don’t have a Twitter.

  135. I can’t believe your own flesh & blood betrayed you like this.
    I am sure this is how blood feuds start.

    PS also thank you for sorting out Gravity. Without it I was finding everything floating around a real drag. The novelty wore off real fast and eating cereal really sucked.

  136. Grant or no grant, you have to at least make a prototype kitten-mitten so you can patent that shit. Obviously the idea is already out there, so you have to act fast. In lieu of grants, I suggest fund-raising at places where kitten-mittens would be in the most demand: homeless shelters, Neiman Marcus, church rummage sales…

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Kind of a big deer.
Stuck in the worlds longest hallway.
Happy 50th birthday to this absolute legend. I love you, mister.
Swipe to enhance.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d bloggers like this: