It’s been a long, strange week. If this is the first time you’re arriving at this site I’d recommend skipping the past few posts as they can be confusing for even the most ardent reader of this blog. But for those of you who have been following the Shorty Award debacle, here’s a short summary and the latest development.
Part 1: I get elected into Government according to the Shorty Awards. I point out I’m not actually in the Government. My ratings go higher and I somehow end up in 1st place. It is awesome in its ridiculousness.
Part 2: On the day before the voting period closes, the Shorty Award people unceremoniously kick me out of the Government category and nullify hundreds of votes. The assumption is that I’ve been disqualified because I’m not actually in the Government but then the Mayor of Martindale takes a stand for justice and appoints me as an official Czar (of Nothingness) for the city of Martindale. Also, they promote C.C. the cat (who lives in City Hall) to Czar of Czars making her, in effect, my new boss.
I submit a formal complaint to the Shorty Awards, which is soundly ignored. Martindale goes down in history as the most kick-ass town in the history of ever and single-handedly renews my faith in Government.
Part 3: I decide to send a letter to Natan, a representative of the Shorty Awards to clear all of this up…
I know you’re part of the Shorty Award contest management team and apparently I was disqualified from the Govt. category and my 100+ votes were nullified because I wasn’t actually in the Government but prior to the end of the contest I was actually appointed a Government Official so I think you should probably reinstate all the votes you guys discounted and put me back into the finals. I can give you the contact number for my boss at City Hall if you need to verify that I am indeed a Government official.
I’ve written about this on my site in case you need more details:
Jenny Lawson, current Czar of Martindale, Texas
I’ve passed your message onto the Sawhorse team. I am deeply sorry for any inconvenience but it’s completely out of my hands.
Thanks so much for your quick response, Natan. As a member of the Government myself I understand completely your frustration at not being able to affect a change yourself because of bureaucracy. I hope that the Sawhorse team is able to remedy this as my boss at City Hall is extremely upset by this whole matter. She’s spent the last day sleeping at her desk and growling angrily whenever we try to show her updates on this very sensitive matter. Martindale Texas is small but our government officials still believe that we are every bit as important as those fat cats in Washington. I hope that the Shorty Awards people see it that way as well.
I asked my boss if she had anything to add to this email and she just glared at me and then put her head down on her desk. I think that really speaks louder than words.
Thanks again for your help and sympathy in this important matter.
~Jenny, serious Government official
The Shorty Award response:
Congratulations on your new position! The people of Martindale, Texas are clearly the real winners in the Shorty Awards.
However, our decision is final.
We hope you’ll participate next year after a full year of service.
Thank you for writing,
The Shorty Team
Dear Shorty Awards:
To say I am disappointed in this travesty would be an understatement. However, as with any election there are bound to be flaws and I am hopeful that next year you will not allow yourself to be blinded again by the devastatingly boring status-quo, or to be bribed by NASA. I’m not sure which of these happened this time but I assume it’s the latter. I am, however, willing to mend these fences by presenting the Shorty Award in Government as I am more than qualified, being a Czar in-good-standing. I’m fairly certain you aren’t going to have any other Czars offering to be a presenter at your award ceremony. Please send me plane fare immediately. Also, if you are looking for someone with more political swagger, my boss might be able to present the award but to be honest she’s not that much of a talker and she’s not exactly your biggest fan. Also you’d need to set up a satellite link for her as she never leaves City Hall. That’s how dedicated she is to our Government.
Martindale Texas for the win.
Your public servant,
Jenny, Current Czar and probably future President.
So far? No response. I’m not even sure what the point of being a Czar is anymore.
On a completely unrelated note, it’s Sunday which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- Not much. Too busy being a Czar.