The Shorty Awards respond. Barely.

It’s been a long, strange week.  If this is the first time you’re arriving at this site I’d recommend skipping the past few posts as they can be confusing for even the most ardent reader of this blog.  But for those of you who have been following the Shorty Award debacle, here’s a short summary and the latest development.

Part 1: I get elected into Government according to the Shorty Awards.  I point out I’m not actually in the Government.  My ratings go higher and I somehow end up in 1st place.  It is awesome in its ridiculousness.

Part 2: On the day before the voting period closes, the Shorty Award people unceremoniously kick me out of the Government category and nullify hundreds of votes.  The assumption is that I’ve been disqualified because I’m not actually in the Government but then the Mayor of Martindale takes a stand for justice and appoints me as an official Czar (of Nothingness) for the city of Martindale.  Also, they promote C.C. the cat (who lives in City Hall) to Czar of Czars making her, in effect, my new boss.

C.C.: "I can haz you arrested if you continue to disrespect my authority, bastards." (Disclaimer: I'm not entirely certain Czars can have people arrested but I assume they probably can.)

I submit a formal complaint to the Shorty Awards, which is soundly ignored.  Martindale goes down in history as the most kick-ass town in the history of ever and single-handedly renews my faith in Government.

Part 3:  I decide to send a letter to Natan, a representative of the Shorty Awards to clear all of this up…

Hi Natan,

I know you’re part of the Shorty Award contest management team and apparently I was disqualified from the Govt. category and my 100+ votes were nullified because I wasn’t actually in the Government but prior to the end of the contest I was actually appointed a Government Official so I think you should probably reinstate all the votes you guys discounted and put me back into the finals.  I can give you the contact number for my boss at City Hall if you need to verify that I am indeed a Government official.

I’ve written about this on my site in case you need more details:

Jenny Lawson, current Czar of Martindale, Texas

His response:

Hi Jenny,

I’ve passed your message onto the Sawhorse team. I am deeply sorry for any inconvenience but it’s completely out of my hands.


My response:

Thanks so much for your quick response, Natan. As a member of the Government myself I understand completely your frustration at not being able to affect a change yourself because of bureaucracy. I hope that the Sawhorse team is able to remedy this as my boss at City Hall is extremely upset by this whole matter. She’s spent the last day sleeping at her desk and growling angrily whenever we try to show her updates on this very sensitive matter. Martindale Texas is small but our government officials still believe that we are every bit as important as those fat cats in Washington. I hope that the Shorty Awards people see it that way as well.

I asked my boss if she had anything to add to this email and she just glared at me and then put her head down on her desk. I think that really speaks louder than words.

Thanks again for your help and sympathy in this important matter.

~Jenny, serious Government official

The Shorty Award response:


Congratulations on your new position! The people of Martindale, Texas are clearly the real winners in the Shorty Awards.

However, our decision is final.

We hope you’ll participate next year after a full year of service.

Thank you for writing,

The Shorty Team

My response:

Dear Shorty Awards:

To say I am disappointed in this travesty would be an understatement. However, as with any election there are bound to be flaws and I am hopeful that next year you will not allow yourself to be blinded again by the devastatingly boring status-quo, or to be bribed by NASA. I’m not sure which of these happened this time but I assume it’s the latter. I am, however, willing to mend these fences by presenting the Shorty Award in Government as I am more than qualified, being a Czar in-good-standing. I’m fairly certain you aren’t going to have any other Czars offering to be a presenter at your award ceremony. Please send me plane fare immediately. Also, if you are looking for someone with more political swagger, my boss might be able to present the award but to be honest she’s not that much of a talker and she’s not exactly your biggest fan. Also you’d need to set up a satellite link for her as she never leaves City Hall. That’s how dedicated she is to our Government.

Martindale Texas for the win.

Your public servant,
Jenny, Current Czar and probably future President.

So far?  No response.  I’m not even sure what the point of being a Czar is anymore.


On a completely unrelated note, it’s Sunday which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    • Not much.  Too busy being a Czar.

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    67 replies. read them below or add one

    1. I cannot believe they haven’t responded…Douche nut whores. When C.C. finds out I am pretty sure she might just scratch some eyes out!
      .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Marbles Really Don’t Taste That Good =-.

    2. I wish I had come up with Unhappy Hipsters, too. It’s genius!
      .-= Chag´s last blog ..Songs About Cars =-.

    3. fuck that bullshit. Did you know there are like 17 levels of government ABOVE the president? Look it up. Like “majestic” Do you think the Sho’ty awards have any idea about that? Who are they to say who is or who is NOT in the government. I could be fucking running the show directing aliens to a landing spot and having Obama get me tea and they would have no idea.
      .-= MODG´s last blog ..Confession Friday: BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! =-.

    4. Dear Shorty Awards,
      Re: your selection process… I’d be disenchanted if I weren’t so apathetic. I’d say the real winners are the people who don’t give a goodgoddamn about your awards. And narwhals, because they look cool.
      .-= thecheckoutgirl´s last blog ..Next Stop: MTV Cribs =-.

    5. And your boss is way more productive than I am in a day. I am pathetic.
      .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Marbles Really Don’t Taste That Good =-.

    6. Sorry, no witty remark here. That was simply awesome.

    7. Awesome that you totally called them on taking bribes from NASA. Space whores.
      .-= Amy´s last blog ..I Gave In =-.

    8. This is the most awesome appointment I’ve heard of since a student of mine got himself declared a Duke of the Principality of Sealand in the course of doing a research paper for my class. And all he was looking for was an appointment as Poet Laureate.
      .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Great February Shape Up: Who’s In? =-.

    9. So, in Short, they never deserved you in the first place.
      PLEASE can you elect yourself an official title already? Because I’m really not sure what to call you anymore, Princess Geisha-Czar of Texas, Bloggess of Internets?
      .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Thou shalt not rub =-.

    10. Truer words have never been spoken: “The people of Martindale, Texas are clearly the real winners in the Shorty Awards.”
      .-= sarah´s last blog ..Fun Fact Friday. =-.

    11. Can you come and be Czar of Melbourne, or even Supreme Ruler of Australia? We’d love to have you and can provide your boss with prime beef for snacks.

    12. So you can make Victor call you Czar Jenny. And he can’t complain because it is your title afterall.
      .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..There comes a time when inspiration is no longer needed =-.

    13. And still, the Shorty Awards allow David Archuleta to keep all his “celebrity” votes. Hypocrites.

    14. You must be the very best Czar that Martindale has ever seen. I think as Czar, you can declare the Shorty Awards null and void and send some armed dudes on horseback out on a pogrom or something. You have the power.
      .-= Glennia´s last blog ..Carnival of Cities: January 27 Edition =-.

    15. Well how fucking dare they!!! I will tell you i voted for you EVEN though u were not a goverment official *yet* 🙂

      Fuck those fucking mother fuckers.
      .-= Crystal´s last blog ..¿Qué en el infierno es esta mierda? …no really… =-.

    16. You might be the most insane person on the Internet. Keep up the good work.
      .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

    17. I demand my vote count! Also, I blame it on the butterfly ballot! My arthritis wouldn’t let me punch it all the way. Dimples should still count!
      .-= Uriah´s last blog ..This is just too much to bare! I can’t take it anymore! =-.

    18. Well, you know, I had to look Martindale up in Google Maps. I’ve been there, but that would have been around 1967 when we were going up and down that country in a 1954 Pontiac with, like, awesome factory air conditioning, and I’m sure it’s changed a lot since then, I mean most things have, but if you perform your duties as Czar to the best of your ability which is obviously totally awesome then Martindale is lucky to have you and I’m sure CC will reward you properly because it’ll mean promotion for her … except can cats be promoted? I think they’re already at the top anyway. Mine are. Domino the Dalmation cringes when they come by.

    19. I don’t think it’s a coincidence his name is very similar to Satan. What’s his last name? Bolshevik?

      You know how they feel about Czars.
      .-= Angela´s last blog ..Oh Lord, Your Default Is Now A Sonogram =-.

    20. The people of Martindale are richer at the expense of those Shorty idiots. This is probably one of those victories for the people that would make a heartwarming Lifetime movie.
      .-= annie´s last blog ..A Revolutionary Road =-.

    21. What the fucking fuckety fuck is up with the Shortys??? NASA?? Seriously???Shouldn’t that be lumped over with the science shit?? Like the ISS is?

      Martindale…..That’s an epic WIN!!!!
      .-= LC Aggie Sith´s last blog ..I Want This Poster…. =-.

    22. Oh, by the by, you not only need a tiara, you also need a sash with a medal or three. And the Key to the City. That’ll show ’em.
      .-= LC Aggie Sith´s last blog ..I Want This Poster…. =-.

    23. Am I the only one surprised by this? It is obviously a conspiracy. This is bigger than the “hanging chad.”

    24. And suddenly, my whole day seems brighter. Thankyou Czar Jenny.
      .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Blocked =-.

    25. I drive through Martindale all the time and have a new found respect for the town…might even have to stop by the courthouse with a can of 9lives for the czar or czars – out of respect of course.
      .-= Fanning Flashes´s last blog ..My GPS Device Is A Whore =-.

    26. Did NASA discover the Dr. Pepper issue and end up with Bawls?!?!?! I think NOT …. that makes you a DISCOVERING governmental official hyphen czar!! I think we need a throw down / coup! 😉 (did I spell that right?!)
      .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Inspiration Sunday – Nurture Your Creativity =-.

    27. I would totally move to Martindale if you declared the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday a holiday.

    28. I spent at least 1 minute of my life voting for your shorty award…if you add that one minute to the hundreds of other one minutes that people spent voting for you then clearly the shorty awards just wasted hundreds of minutes.

      We will never get those minutes back.

      In conclusion. The shorty awards are a giant waste of time. Maybe next year.
      .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Why Knowing The Sex Of Your Pet Mice Really Does Matter =-.

    29. Did anyone else noticed that “Natan” is just one letter away from “Satan”? I’m not sure how that’s relevant, because I really didn’t read all the words. There were a lot of words and I’m really ADD right now. But, I’m sure it makes sense to SOMEONE!

    30. I love our blog! You make me laugh and keep me from offing my self… kidding about that! You’re probably connected to someone who can figure out my IP address and pretty soon someone is at my door with the paddy wagon and I am sitting in a corner of a mental institution rocking myself.

      Thanks for making me laugh so hard I pee myself all the time. Just a little bit.

    31. Unbelievable on so many levels. I’m proud to know you, Bloggess. When you’re promoted to Drug, Alcohol & Sex Czar, please give me a call.

      Go Martindale!

    32. off with their heads!

    33. you ARE a serious govt official, and i wouldn’t fuck with your boss either… screw the shorty awards and the horse they road in on, tho i’m sure the horse would have let you keep the votes if it was the shorty award’s boss….
      .-= Elaine-´s last blog ..coco revisited =-.

    34. Just FYI, it should probably be “effect a change” not “affect a change” in your first response.

      Beware the grammar Nazis!

    35. Czar Jenny. You are brilliant.
      .-= frogponsdrock´s last blog ..I can’t like this… =-.

    36. I was sure that James Garfield would become your boss!

      I think that czars CAN have people arrested, but they are more likely to have them boiled in a vat of vodka.
      .-= pixielation´s last blog ..The one about baths, bums and hickies =-.

    37. Even though you were kicked out of the running, you’re still the ONE person I trust in the government.
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..She’s having a stick-gasm =-.

    38. I propose you become leader of all Czar’s and use James Garfield as your logo.

      We’ll call you “Czar Czar Gay Boar.”

      Thank you. I’m here all week.
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society =-.

    39. I totally knew you were a cat person…except for that toast/cat thing with your neighbor. What is the matter with those “Shorty Awards” people? Making up the rules! No one else had to be “Whatever” for a year! Ugh! Government and Shorty Awards, perfect together.
      .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Just some Monday smiles! =-.

    40. seriously, if i had a robot i’d fuck it. even if it had a lady gaga unitard.
      .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Pig Stomach Night! =-.

    41. Didn’t Obama win the Peace Prize with less than a year of service as President?
      If Peace Prize can overlook this, why can’t the Shortys?

    42. sawhorse team is aptly named because they can obviously cut the shit out of any solid material. #notfollowing @shortyawards. this shit is bananas.
      .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..where to be the prettiest girl in the room =-.

    43. While it sucks about this years vote… Kind of like the Supreme Court and Florida in 2000… Just think how exciting it is going to be when you went a government award next year. Cause I totally want to be your Shorty Awards Campaign manager in 2011. For example we can use a new slogan: “Vote for The Bloggess; Yes YOU Can, because she is ACTUALLY in Government”
      .-= Brianna´s last blog ..Appalachian English =-.

    44. Jeez, as your campaign manager I promise to actually proofread our campaign literature prior to releasing it.
      .-= Brianna´s last blog ..Appalachian English =-.

    45. You suck as a government employee.

      As a government employee myself, the first rule is you never respond to emails.
      The second rule is deny everything. And thirdly, do as little as possible (hence the not responding to emails)

      You really have a lot to learn.
      .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Memoir Monday: If only I had owned a black leather jacket =-.

    46. I want a cat boss. If it gets outta line you can just cage the beast till they simmer down.
      .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..She’s braver than her momma =-.

    47. Honey, the “Shorty Awards” are just fucking stupid anyway.

      Now, if they were the “Shorty-TOSSING Awards”, I’d be all over it and be kicking hillbilly ass all over the place to get you in there. But, shorty for the sake of shorty… well, it falls short. Why don’t they just name it the “Sharty Awards”… ’cause it sounds like they’re half-fart and half-shit anyway.
      .-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..What’s Necessary =-.

    48. Did you notice that Natan is 1 letter away from Satan?

    49. I was 2nd place for science for a day or two. I was beating fucking NASA in science. I challenged a space shuttle technician to a science-off on twitter. She cowered when I started throwing around terms like “photosynthesis” and “Osmosis Jones”. She sent me a space patch in the mail because she thought my idiocy was cute. Her twitter acct is @flyingjenny and she’s awesome. My point? I’m going to get fired. Oh, and I don’t like the shortys nor do I appreciate their tone. For that, we will kick the shit out of NASA next year. In fact, see if you can become “Head Food and Science Advisor for Cultural Institutions, Education, Humor, Customer Service and Bacon appreciation of Martindale, Texas”.
      .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Home Alone: The Story Of Me. =-.

    50. You aren’t the only person the Shorties shorted. There have been other people who were winning categories and then kicked off later because they weren’t “relevant” to the categories, thought there was some sort of cheating going on, etc. Well, that’s what happens when you set up a contest with write in votes. Some dude from American Idol gets nominated and leads almost every category which is a travesty in itself because I am sure that you are a much better singer than him even though I’m the only person in America who doesn’t watch American Idol and I have no idea who the guy was until I Googled him.

      The Shorties need to reinstate you because you went to great lengths to become a government official during the contest unlike NASA who just kicked back and took it for granted that they were already made up. This slight could be dangerous for the awards ceremony. Martendale is synonymous with Texas Chainsaw Massacre which I’m pretty sure was based on a historic event. The last thing I’d want to do is piss off a chainsaw town and their cat leader.
      .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..9 New Habits to Keep You Warm During Winter =-.

    51. I say they’re just jealous because you’re in the fucking government…The Man is trying to keep you down! Fight the power!

      …Or at least send over the czar to leave cat hair all over everything. That will leave a strong message of his (and your) displeasure. And also, cat hair is a bitch to get rid of…so there’s that.
      .-= Lynette´s last blog ..The post where I prove that I am KLASS-AY =-.

    52. So, when is C.C. getting her very own Twitter account? I think she needs one so we can see her side and view of government.

    53. “Please send me plane fare immediately” – I almost pied (i am pretty sure I misspelled pied) on myself when I read that.

      As you know the Shorty Awards is presently in someone’s tool shed with a really long cable cord lined across the yard from the house. So don’t be too disappointed if they don’t send you plane fare.
      .-= Dynasty´s last blog ..How do I make money on Twitter with no followers? =-.

    54. I keep forgetting that your boss is a pussy.

    55. […] of Martindale Texas and then I found out that I reported to cat that lives at city hall?  If not you should go back and read the summary or just skip this post altogether because last week the Shorty Awards graciously offered me tickets […]

    56. I think the problem might have been the sex tape of your boss pleasuring herself at the Czar of Czars desk. And don’t try to tell me CC doesn’t do that. The Shorty Awards have the video.
      .-= Dingo´s last blog ..Call Me Dingo Fierce =-.

    57. […] the Mayor of Martindale Texas presented me with a crown, scepter and an official proclamation of my Czarness signed by the cat that runs City Hall.  It’s moments like this that make me wonder if I’m actually in a coma and am just […]

    58. […] Victor:  The one where you got disqualified because your boss is a cat? […]

    59. […] when I was inaugurated as Czar of Texas I got to keep my crown and my scepter but then some baby tried to steal them. True […]

    60. […] that I’d asked all the contestants last month when I was judging a Texas Beauty Contest as the acting Czar of Martindale, Texas (Beauty pageant story still to come, promise) but it seems a moot point because Neil missed his […]

    61. Czarpool lane!!!

      kirsten recently posted wtf wednesdays.

    62. […] the scandal of being disqualified in 2010 because I hadn’t been a czar for a full year, justice was finally served when the Shorty Awards were forced to announce me as a finalist in the […]

    63. “Truer words have never been spoken: ‘The people of Martindale, Texas are clearly the real winners in the Shorty Awards.'” –Sarah

      I totally agree! That’s a great reply and a nice sentiment too. 🙂

    64. So, wait… the dude’s name is Natan? As in, rhymes with Satan? Even though he seemed really nice, in his reply, I suspect that he’s the one pulling the Shorty Awards’ strings. You would think Satan would come up with a more creative pseudonym than Natan. He can’t fool me!

      XanxiuZ recently posted Americas Next Top Model - Cycle 16 Episode 05 - Rachel Zoe.

    65. […] Part 3. I sent a strongly-worded email to the Shorty Awards demanding my votes be reinstated as I was now a Government official.  They told me I need a full year of service before it counts.  I think maybe the shorty awards don’t know how the Government works. […]

    66. […] Also my parents have like 30 potholes, or potcaverns, on their street right now. I blame the Czar of Nothingness.  Jenny Lawson, Czar of Nothingness As Czar of Nothingness, I take my lead from my boss, the stray […]

    67. […] Laura Mayes, The Queso I’m more interested on the names down the ballot at this point. We have largely been talking about the Presidential candidates (and with good reason, because whoa) but it’s often in the offices lower on the ballot where it really happens when it comes to local development, jobs and education. Globally, I’m concerned about environmental issues (something never brought up in national Presidential debates) but so many other issues (educational funding and development, pay equality, early childcare) are affected by local and state representatives. Also my parents have like 30 potholes, or potcaverns, on their street right now. I blame the Czar of Nothingness.  […]

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