Monday is the new Sunday. Unless this is Tuesday. Someone send me a calendar

Remember when I used to do a weekly wrap-up every Sunday except that one time when I did it late because I got lost in the Bermuda Triangle?  Because that just happened.  Sort of.  Long story which I will probably start off and never finish.  Like that time when I almost told you about how Victor and I were practically murdered in our sleep in Japan?  Still in the draft folder.  BUT I’M TOTALLY WORKING ON IT, I SWEAR.  Also, I’ve had practically no sleep for days and I lost a dead squirrel in a canoe.  More on this later.  For now…the weekly wrap-up:

The shaken-and-also-stirred edition

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    • Not much.

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Two weeks ago I said if you donated to my friend Anissa I’d pick a commenter at random and pimp them out so I asked Hailey to pick a number between 1 and 145 and she picked “eleventy” which isn’t a number.  Then I pointed out that “eleventy” isn’t a number and she was all “Duh.  I said eleventeen” and then rolled her eyes at me and walked off.  Awesome. In her defense she hasn’t slept much either and really DID get lost in the Bermuda Triangle and she’s also just shitty at math.  She’s really good at art though.  Plus she’s five so back the fuck off and stop judging her. At least she’s trying. But I’m sticking with eleven which means that Suzy is the winner.  Suzy is made of starlight and sunshine and she once saved a small dog from drowning.  And that dog later invented donuts.  So yeah, she’s pretty bad-ass and needs a fucking statue.  (Ad value: Eleventy dollars.  Please report this on your taxes, Suzy.)

    Does any of this make sense?  I’m a little woozy and I haven’t quite recovered from my terrible decision to not buy an overpriced squirrel in a canoe that is now halfway around the world.  I would have named him “Pocahontas Wikipedia” and I’d have put him under the head of James Garfield and loved him with all my heart until the cat chewed his hands off:

    The one that got away.

    Then I would have loved him even more because he couldn’t even paddle and he’d be up a creek without hands which seems like a metaphor for my life.  Then I would have sprinkled tabasco sauce on him so the cat wouldn’t chew on him anymore.  Unless the cat is into Tex-Mex.  Then that might make it worse.  I don’t actually know what kind of seasoning my cat likes.  I’m going to go to bed now.

    More later.  Probably.

    Comment of the day: Good news! I found Pocahontas’ cousins. ~ Charlotte

    73 thoughts on “Monday is the new Sunday. Unless this is Tuesday. Someone send me a calendar

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. I’m so disappointed in you. How could you let that squirrel get away?! He’s like the Stuart Little of squirrels and you just turned your back on him. Now, you’ll never write a series of wildly popular novels based on his adventures so there will be no creepy movies based on the novels and you’ll never get to meet Geena Davis. Bad move. Very bad move.
      .-= Vikki´s last blog ..Lezz-ay Faire =-.

    2. I have bad juju…so If bad things happen to you after I comment I am really fucking sorry. That totally looks like you in that movie….Did you do porn too? (I mean too as in I used to be in movies too…I am going to shut up now.)

    3. Uh, but you know what? It’s maybe a good thing you didn’t buy that squirrel because you can go to Olney, Illinois, The Home of the Albino Squirrel, and buy an albino squirrel in, like, a motorboat maybe.
      .-= KathiD´s last blog ..OSCAR, SCHMOSCAR! =-.

    4. I was really pissed that you picked someone with the same name as me and had two paragraphs of a hate email poised and ready to go before I realized that I did once save a dog from drowning WHILE I WAS EATING A DONUT and then I forgot all about your post and went to find my journal from the 8th grade.

      In other news, you’re now in my Motel 6 death pool. As you are so often fond of saying, “You brought this upon yourself” and actually I’m not totally sure it’s you that says that but if you don’t then you should. And if you don’t know what a Motel 6 death pool is I can’t help you.
      .-= Suzy´s last blog ..My Twittery Take On The Oscars =-.

    5. I wanted to let you know that I just saw a Garanimals commercial and thought of you and Nine Inch Nails. You posted about that at least six months ago, if not much longer, and I can’t even remember if it was a main point or just a side comment, but in any case, you’ve left a lasting impression on my perception of Garanimals and NIN. Thanks!

    6. Eleventy is 110 according to hobits. True story. I have no idea what eleventeen is, according to anyone. So I’m no help, really.

    7. FYM is hilarious. Checkout Girl I remember hearing about it. Both awesomely hilarious. Sort of like you. I am surprised that FYM hasn’t been run over by comments yet.

      I am very happy that you were only ALMOST murdered, and also that you were only ALMOST lost. Esp. ’cause if you decide to join that stupid show that just will not end I am not sure I love you that much that I will consider watching that show so I can potentially rescue you. Or solve the sudoku that holds the key to the mystery so I can turn back the time machine and go to the right dimension so I can rescue you. Sorry. While you were away, I broke in and sniffed all the glues you’ve got. Sorry about the mess I made in your scrap booking cabinet…
      .-= submom´s last blog ..Warning Signs: To hell in a handbasket =-.

    8. Ok Ok. I take it back. YES. I DO love you that much. So if necessary I will watch 1000 hours worth of that stupid show so I can bring you back to this right dimension so you can continue to be Czar of Nothingness. I do however worry that you may be pissed since in that other dimension you would have won the Bloggy Award for best Political Office and the best Grampa award. Just give me a sign if you don’t want to be rescued when I come for you.

      p.s. I did apologize for the glue right? Sorry…
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Warning Signs: To hell in a handbasket =-.

    9. Everyone knows eleventeen is the same as twenty-one. (Two more than nineteen.) Just count with me: eighteen, nineteen, tenteen, eleventeen, etc.

    10. My squirrel, Todd “Hot Nuts” Epstein, has his own blog at, and if you even THINK about showing him an escape route by canoe from my mantel, I will come at you with a broken bottle. Fo shizzle.

    11. An Endometrial Ablation is when they go in and remove the lining of the uterus to alleviate endometriosis. Unless she was having a Cardiac Ablation, but I can’t even fathom what heart surgery has to do with her uterus. Then again, Western Medicine is in such a state that you’re better off with placebos anyway.

    12. When you said you lost a dead squirrel in a canoe, I thought you meant you’d been out canoeaging and had a dead squirrel with you and lost it in the canoe. Which was obviously weird, because canoes aren’t that big/easy to lose things in, are they?

      So of course it all made a lot more sense when I saw what you really meant.

    13. Eleventeen is the name of an obscure rock group and an EP put out by Eve 6. Don’t feel bad that you didn’t know about it, none of Eve 6’s one hit wonders were on there.

      Also, according to Urban Dictionary (which I believe once told you that you failed at internet for looking up “sex”) “Eleventeen” is an insult to a preteen or someone who is older than 11 but is still dumber or more immature than an 11 year old.

      Every male over the age of eleven qualifies as “Eleventeen” by the way.

    14. (Wait. Are we allowed to talk to other commenters? I just want to thank Mikestarlight for teaching me this great use of Eleventeen on the dawn of my son’s 12th birthday. Thank you thank you so much. New insult under my belt for emergency use. I’m going to be the coolest mom for a week)

      (yeah. I know. I am supposed to be doing my taxes and that’s why I am reading through the comments on your blog… It’s just going to get worse as April gets near…)
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Warning Signs: To hell in a handbasket =-.

    15. I was totally trying to read this and then that squirrel like captured my attention and I ended up drooling all over my keyboard and had strange thoughts about squirrel pirates that pretty much looked like Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. So now I’m horny and yet that’s really wrong because they were squirrels ffs, but also a lot like Johnny Depp who is totally hot and now I’m just majorly confused beyond all belief.
      .-= Mesina´s last blog ..U.S. Embassy, you’re not helping =-.

    16. That thing gives ‘Yelling at the squirrel canoe driver’ an entirely different meaning. Or an original meaning. Whatever.
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Sciatica-ca =-.

    17. SO hard to comment on these “Cliff Notes” versions of your week. It’s all lip smaking delicious.

    18. Eleventeen is so a number.

      And my head really hurts now because I read your column a tad too early in the morning, without having had my usual Bailey’s with a smidge of coffee, and now I have to go lie down.
      .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.

    19. I totally almost bought a squirrel JUST LIKE THAT ONE! It was several years ago in a little touristy shop in Jackson Hole. But it was like $150. Come on now, aren’t they just like puffy rats? Squirrels are a dime-a-dozen (unlike James Garfield who was completely worth every cent). I plan on capturing one on my next trip to the park. In fact, maybe I’ll do a craft blog about it: “Make Your Own Squirrel Canoe in 10 Easy Steps.” Genius.
      .-= Karen´s last blog ..A Snowshoeing Adventure for the Ages =-.

    20. I SO WANT THAT SQUIRREL. I think I’m going to ask my grandpa to make me a squirrel in a canoe (he skins and kills things – not in that order – in the order – and sometimes he stuffs them if I ask nice – after he’s killed them and skinned them of course – in that order).

    21. Heard about the squirrel in the canoe thing….thought it was maybe some kind of “CODE” or maybe you were bullshitting. OR maybe it was some sort of metaphorical reference. It wasn’t. I will never question or doubt you again….

    22. Oh by the way,would love to hear about your Bermuda triangle trip. I was thinking of you the other night when i stayed up till 4am watching “The Amazing Octopus” on the Science Channel. I’m glad u made it home alive. Did you know..out of water octopus look like giant loogies with tentacles. Its totally true. So the trick is, if your ever attacked by one… TRY and get out of the water.
      .-= Crystal´s last blog ..It really doesn’t even phase me anymore the shit i see on this side of town. =-.

    23. I love you. Not in a normal “your blog is awesome” kind of way. More in a creepy, “I’m going to break into your garage and paint myself with your leftover dining room paint” kind of way. (You might want to go with a more muted color next time, though.)
      I lost control of this comment before it even started.
      Nice stuffed squirrel. In college, some fellow lifeguards and I decided to freak out some kids with a stuffed alligator head. It got wet in the lake and then smelled really, really bad.
      .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Greatest American Hero =-.

    24. submom (#15) what show are you talking about? have I been lost in the Bermuda Triangle (or merely tangled in bermuda shorts)? anyway, i wanna know.

      please and thank you.

      jenny, you have, once again, changed my life with taxidermy….i doubt in a good way, but an entertained way, nonetheless….

    25. Damn! Someone beat me too it. Sorry for the repeat. I’ll try to pay more attention next time, but I was busy watching the squirrels in my driveway, wondering if they have little canoes they use to cross the mud puddles. That’d be cool. I know they like to yell at my dog and throw nuts at him. He doesn’t like that. Ever heard a squirrel swear? Mouths like sewers! The things the called my poor dog…he’ll never be the same again. Oh well.

    26. I love the Disclaimers and I think I might have to change the sign on my office wall to one of your wonderful disclaimers. Although, if there are people who can’t figure out your column is about satire I’m pretty sure there should be a disclaimer about them refraining from sex all together. I’m fairly certain I don’t want those people breeding…YIKES!
      .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Sleeping Beauty and I Are Practically Twins =-.

    27. I gonna have to side with Vikki on this one. I. Am. So. Dissapointed. In. You. Well, let’s chaulk it up to lack of sleep shall we? We shall. Perhaps you could buy this squirrel – I mean, I understand he is a international superstar and all, but I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!

    28. Gah!! Typos, *an *disappointed

      I know, I know, I am disappointed in me too.

    29. I’m noticing that the things you seem to love most are, well, stuffed. Is Victor upstairs in a rocker like Mother Bates? Miss Hailey has a pulse, right?

    30. I just feel so bad for the squirrel. You know he dreamt his whole life of paddling up a creek in a canoe, and he never accomplish it… until now. Its like those artists and writers who don’t become famous until after they’ve died. Oh canoe squirrel, you are worth something now. too bad you’re dead. sad.

    31. This has little to nothing to do with this entry, except that since you didn’t buy the squirrel, you can now spend your money on the MOST AWESOME CAT THING EVER INVENTED IN THE HISTORY OF EVERNESS.

      My boyfriend sent me that link, which at first I thought was super sweet and showed how well he knew me. Then I thought about it, and realized he’s maybe trying to make another kind of point.
      .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..True Story =-.

    32. Dear Bloggess,

      I am sending this dire message out from the bed of a guy friend that I sort of am liking….a lot. He’s not in the bed. No, I am not a stalker. He gave me the bed and slept on the couch. The strange thing about this is…we’ve hooked up before, in his bed. I am visiting him (amongst other people) this week from across the country, which is the same scenario as last time when we fooled around. We’ve been hanging out since he picked me up at the airport at 6…he had all night to tell me if he’s dating someone, and he has in the past when he is. why the hell is he being such a vagina? Hot & Bothered.

    33. Just when I think I am going to kill someone because I am tired of being pregnant… all I have to do is come to your site and start laughing and forget my problems… but then I start laughing so hard that I, then, pee on myself. Which brings me back to why I don’t want to be pregnant anymore.

      It is like you have some kind of power to bring life full circle!
      .-= Jasmine´s last blog ..Homebirthing Part 2 =-.

    34. *Probably*

      Also, my 12-year-old niece is trying to officially change the name on her birth certificate to Dano, so, you kind of win all around. I didn’t know you were moonlighting as an actress, you get an awful lot done for being a *sicky*.
      .-= Petit Elefant´s last blog ..running {wo}man. =-.

    35. I just wanted to say I love you because you make snot shoot out my nose at the most INOPPORTUNE moments. 🙂

      I don’t know why you’re surprised about the squirrel haunting you. I mean, your whole damn trip began with a pirate stowing away on your plane…. (Like Hailey says, DUH.)
      .-= Elisa´s last blog ..It goes so fast. Or not. =-.

    36. Jenny, If you haven’t yet clicked on Charlotte’s link to Mac’s Taxidermy, DON’T. I’m pretty sure you’ll spend every last penny you have, and max out all credit cards. In no way, shape, or form do I personally ever want to own anything like James Garfield or Pocohantas, but I immediately started imagining who I can buy these things for! There’s a beer-drinking squirrel, for instance (can be posed with your choice of beer)! Don’t look. Seriously.

    37. Arrrrggg! I loved the picture from Win and Tonic but I didn’t know the rest of the site is NSFW… Good thing my boss wasn’t walking by when I scrolled past the picture of 4 naked men dancing. By the way, what the fuck is up with the naked dancing? I mean, yeah, I can see the fun in naked dancing, but what if my partner has two left feet and steps on my scrotum? Why is my scrotum so close to the ground you ask? Mind your own business, that’s personal. Although I will tell you it has to do with chocolate factory and a TV I visited when I was young. Don’t judge me.

    38. She must have been hanging out with the coach who taught my college “health” class – he used to talk to us about drinking, and it went a little something like this… “you know fellas, you get a few beers under your belt and you start talkin’ trash to the ladies! Then, before you know it, you get in the car and get to drivin’ FOURTYLEVEN miles an hour…” you can guess where the stories went from there…
      .-= Jean´s last blog ..He’s BAAAACK! =-.

    39. HaHa! Those ball-gag pics are too much!
      Still, I think they got the size wrong – leads to excess dribble, which is never classy.
      So classy is wearing a ‘small’ ball-gag? Sheesh, I have to stop now; I can’t see the light from the bottom of this hole.

      (a hole that I have dug, not a … oh never mind)

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