Animals want to murder you. I have a solution. Also, I might need to up my anxiety meds.

Most people know about my horrible giant squid phobia so my inbox is always littered with terrible squid news that makes me want to poison the sea even more than I already do, but today I got an email from my friend Desiree who thought I should know about this new jellyfish and I was all, “Whatever, dude. Its arms are like soggy pixie sticks.  Why would I be afraid of this?” and she was like “Well, maybe because THEY’RE FUCKING IMMORTAL.”   And then I looked a little closer and got totally freaked out because I’m pretty sure these things are goddamn vampires.  Hang on.  Here’s the picture:

Looks totally innocent and harmless. Much like Edward Cullen.

And here’s the same picture after I’ve made it a little more clear.  Because some of you don’t have enough imagination.  Or vodka.  And I’m here to help.

Yeah. *Exactly.*

And there are two problems here.  One is that vampires are supposed to be sexy, and these?  Not so much.  Secondly?  Werewolf eels.  I’m not sure they exist but if vampire jellyfish are real then pretty much all bets are off, y’all.  This is why I recommend that we dump enough gelatin into the oceans to make it into an enormous jello and then we can piece it out and pick out all the vampires the same way that you pick all the pears out of your jello salad.  Then we stab all the jellyfish in their hearts with a stake.  Or put them in a big aquarium and let them fight it out and charge people to bet on the vampire-gladiator death matches.  And then we spend all that money on healthcare.  I think I just solved the healthcare crisis and wiped out vampires.  Plus?  Free jello.  You’re welcome, America.

PS.  In vaguely related news I just found my new sleeping bag:

It’s in the shape of a bear so if I get attacked by bears at night I won’t get eaten because the bear will be all “Oh!  Pardon me. I didn’t know you were in here” and then I’ll make the bear’s head say “No problem.  I was just devouring this girl.  By the way, how did you get in here?” and the bear will be like “Oh, some asshole left the front door unlocked” and then I’ll be all “Victor, you asshole!  You didn’t lock the front door again!” and then the jig is up.  This is why I’m going to put a reminder post-it note inside the bear sleeping bag that says: “DON’T YELL AT VICTOR IN FRONT OF BEARS” but probably we’re all fucked because I have pretty much no impulse control when I’m mad about people not locking doors.  It takes two seconds and IT FUCKING SAVES LIVES.  Only you can prevent us being murdered by bear when we sleep, Victor. And then I pointed out that it was pretty selfless of me to sleep in a bear sleeping bag to save the rest of the family and Victor pointed out that I’m really only saving me and that we’d never even seen a bear in real life and that I’d probably poke an eye out just sleeping in it and then I’d have to explain to the doctor that my eye got eaten by my sleeping bag.  Then I started to disagree but then I remembered that last week I got stabbed by chicken so technically he has a point.

"Nom nom nom nom. This girl is delicious. But I wish she'd taken her shoes off first. God knows what she's tracking in. So inconsiderate." (This is what bears are thinking when they eat you.)

PPS.  Victor just said that he’s “not the only person who lives here and maybe I could get off my ass and lock the damn door myself” but excuse me, I’M WEARING A BEAR.  I don’t have opposable thumbs in this bear sack, jackhole.  Honestly, it’s like he wants the bears in here.

127 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You know darn well the best sleeping bag ever is a squid sleeping bag with warm, fuzzy tentacles you can wrap yourself in…

    =)
    .-= groovehouse´s last blog ..03.11.10 – George Thorogood & The Destroyers =-.

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  2. If he starts wanting the squids in there, you are a dead woman. I suggest you get life insurance policies that have bear and squid clauses. That’ll show him.
    .-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..RTT: Straight Lines =-.

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  3. Now you need a sleeping bag that looks like a vampire jellyfish. Don’t worry. I’m on it.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Dear Principal, Some of the other parents are big assholes. =-.

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  4. You should get them for the whole family and then, just for fun, invite a blonde over for porridge.
    .-= Apryl’sAntics´s last blog ..Watching Tom Cruise Have Sex With Your Dad is Awkward (and so is this title) =-.

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  5. Nightmares about vampire jellyfish and hollowed-out bears is just what I need to help stabilize my completely fucked up mental state right now. Thanks for that.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Helpful tip: Don’t go to the Emergency Room on St. Patrick’s Day. Also? Don’t try to be your own pharmacist. =-.

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  6. Oh, right. Sure. Fill the damned ocean with gelatin. Then those vampire jellyfish become STEALTH VAMPIRE JELLYFISH because what happens when you put jelly in the middle of jello? Right. So you’re happily eating your sea-jello, and WHAM suddenly you have a bit of vampire jellyfish in your stomach. Now IT is eating YOU from the inside out. Way to go. If you weren’t so totally awesome, I’d stab you right now.

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  7. Is the sleeping bag a male bear or a female bear? And would the bear entering your house uninvited be male or female? And can bears be gay? Maybe you should make Victor wear the bear.

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  8. 8
    willendorfVenus

    I think jellyfish are pretty. In aquariums. At the beach, they’re scary.

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  9. Making mental note to cancel upcoming snorkeling trip but not before checking the cancellation policy to assure it doesn’t have some dumbass clause about jellypires.

    I’m totally getting one of those sleeping bags and wearing it next year for Halloween (I WAS going to jump out of the bushes, dressed as Kanye West and yell, “Yo, sorry to interrupt you, but Christmas is a way better holiday!”) and then sit there, by the door with a bowl of candy in my lap, and then ROARRRRR really loud when the kiddies come up!
    .-= Audrey at Barking Mad´s last blog ..Constructive Destruction – Finding a Phoenix Amongst the Ashes =-.

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  10. That bear is like the most amazing thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. Seriously. It’s like the snuggie x’s 549454657984564. But that Jellyfish looks scary.Id rather stick to the real vampires, thankyouverymuch.
    .-= carissajade´s last blog ..Dare #2: A Booger On The Face (#OrTheThingIFearMostInLife) =-.

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  11. I need mine to look like an Orca, which is my current irrational fear.

    Bears? Well, I feel like I could find a bear’s testicles and kick them. Orca testicles? WHERE THE FUCK ARE ORCA TESTICLES??

    brb, googletime.
    .-= Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!´s last blog ..The Back Of The Frosted Flakes Box Now Says “Tony Farted A Glass Of Orange Juice And Practiced Pooping” =-.

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  12. I need that sleeping bag. And, how are those jelly fish immortal. I was all geared up to read something about awesome, god-like jelly fish and nothing.
    .-= Windsor Grace´s last blog ..Good moods abound =-.

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  13. Really? I thought the dead taunton sleeping bag was the best, because then it looks like you’ll kill an animal just for a warm place to sleep, which will absolutely scare off a bear.

    You do know that bears are wusses, right?
    .-= Tzipporah´s last blog ..Is the seder like the SuperBowl? =-.

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  14. Have you ever seen 7 Pounds? Because in it, Will Smith *SPOILER* kills himself with a very poisonous jellyfish and was is horribly violent and gross and so you are pretty much right that animals want to kill us all. If a jellyfish is an animal.
    .-= the serious wanderer´s last blog ..How to avoid the mangling of the possessives of your words =-.

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  15. This scares me! Now I’m going to have nightmares about a tween-targeted jellyfish vampire saga that starts off as a book series and gets made into movies starring Kristen Stewart.
    Also, I’ve never seen Twilight but I do watch True Blood, and I don’t like the idea of jellyfish that can move across a room as fast as those vampires. Your only hope with jellyfish is to swim away, and if they move like a vampire, you’re a goner.

    Does it work to pee on a jellyfish vampire bite?
    .-= lbelgray´s last blog ..Retail of Horror =-.

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  16. The picture would be even funnier if you were in the bag upside down, with your feet sticking out of its mouth (if you could bear it). Actually, I shouldn’t use puns in a country that loves guns.

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  17. If you make all the seas jello, how would you be able to distinguish the jelly fish?

    I’m never eating jello again. Because of the vampires.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Breathe =-.

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  18. You pick the pears out of jello? ME, TOO! They’re just too grainy and crunchy to fit in with the smooth fruity sliminess of jello, arent’ they? They totally clash, from a mouth-feel perspective. (And don’t be getting all hot because of the term “mouth-feel”. It’s a gastronomic thing.)

    All we have to do is convince the immortal vampire jellyfish that giant squids (and maybe orcas) have the best blood. Then after the vampyfish wipe out the squids (and maybe the orcas) just freeze the oceans because if you dump jello in after the squids are all gone, you won’t be able to tell where the jello starts and the jellyfish ends. Or maybe just freeze the oceans and don’t worry about any of those creepy critters ever again. Or being all overheated at the beach either.
    .-= Jami´s last blog ..Thanks … but =-.

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  19. haha! You said bear sack.

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  20. But aren’t you just inviting the bear to rape you instead of maul you? That puts your sex blog in a whole new light.
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..I’m not nearly THAT big of an asshole =-.

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  21. I woke up at 4:30 this morning with INSOMNIA (I had to yell it) and I am so tired all I want to do is climb in that bear. It’s too bad your eyesight isn’t as bad as mine. Last weekend the dogs started barking out the window so I ran to see and what I saw was a baby bear running down our driveway with my husband raking the lawn. It was really a fourwheeler tire rolling away into the river. And in that moment my husband went from Bear Slayer to plain old Evironment Slayer. Really not the same at all.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Voodoo Ass Twitch =-.

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  22. Men are so dramatic. A few months ago, my husband walked into the living room at 9:30 a.m., holding a crowbar. I was on the phone with my mother, and no, I hadn’t put pants on yet, and yes, maybe he was making breakfast while the kids tore apart the living room and I sipped coffee.
    I gave him a quizzical look (because I’ve never seen him with a crowbar before), and he said, “I was just wondering if you were going to pry your ass out of that chair today.”
    The bear bag would do well in those sorts of situations for exactly the reason you couldn’t lock the door while wearing it.
    “Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I would TOTALLY get up and help around the house, but *someone* is protecting our very lives from blood-thirsty bears. But, if you need me to do chores WHILE I’m saving your life, sure, sure. No problem. I’m a multi-tasker.”
    And then, you could call your husband “Lois Lane” for being such a damsel in distress. Anytime he asked you for help while you were vigilantly protecting the family by lying in the hammock with your eyes closed, pretending to be a bear, you could be all, “Sure, Lois Lane. I’d be happy to.” That should shut him up.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone =-.

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  23. Vampire jellyfish! It all makes sense now!
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Geography =-.

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  24. Great. Now I can never go in the ocean again. And? The next time a big ass black bear comes ambling down off the mountain to eat my bird feeders, I’m going to wonder if it’s really The Bloggess coming to steal my vodka, only I live in a dry county, so I don’t have vodka, but you can buy beer and wine..but just in this town.. so this is where all the bears go to get their Iron City beer. By the way, when I said “a big ass black bear” I wasn’t referencing The Bloggess’ ass in any way. Down here we refer to all bears as “a big ass black bear”.. just to clarify.

    P.S. I’m on cold medicine.

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  25. I think that the scariest ones are the little bastard jellyfish that are so tiny that you can’t even see them, but when they, like, look at you, you die instantly. I really want to go scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef someday…but I really don’t want to die because some tiny prick of a jellyfish gets his panties in a wad.

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  26. If you are sleeping in that bear sleeping bag, in front of a fireplace, you may want to be careful of people trying to have sex on top of you.

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  27. Oh great I wasn’t scared of Jellyfish until now, thank you TheBloggess. I now have Jellffish Phobia, I looked it up. Jellyfish Phobia sounds lame, since you gave it to me I think you need to come up with a better name.

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  28. Thank you for reminding me that bears are polite as well as neat and tidy.

    But I am concerned that this may lead to woodsmen breaking through your unlocked door to save you from the bear, Red Riding Hood style.

    “Red Riding Hood style” sounds a little pervy, but my brain isn’t working super well, so that’s all you get.
    .-= Life of a Doctor’s Wife´s last blog ..This Post Is Not Really About Farting =-.

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  29. I need that sleeping bag! Not that I would sleep in it or anything…
    .-= a´s last blog ..An open letter to Kodak =-.

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  30. Seriously, you are my favorite blogger EVAH. Thanks for making me laugh daily. Love the bear….I need one.
    .-= Barb´s last blog ..TV Shows I Want to See Return =-.

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  31. I’ve survived two jelly fish attacks. Both took place in Portugal. During the first one, I was standing on a sidewalk overlooking a harbor and I saw a GIANT jelly fish in the water. During the second one, I was at the beach and saw a fisherman in the distance with a jellyfish in a net. Some might say that neither incidents count as “surviving” but I lived to tell the story, didn’t I?
    .-= Vikki´s last blog ..Line Item Veto =-.

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  32. That sleeping bag is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

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  33. Maybe they should just make superhero sleeping bags so we can crawl in and become Wonder Woman or Superman and when someone breaks in and wakes us up they’ll see the supersuit and be all “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to fall through your window. I’ll be going now.”

    Or mirrored sleeping bags. That way, WHATEVER species attacks you, looks in the mirror, sees one of its own and is all, “Bob! Sorry to intrude. How are you? Haven’t seen you since the Start-Ur-Trek Convention.”

    *frustrated sigh*

    Scorpions never fall from the sky and land on the right people.
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..Ducky 9-1-1 =-.

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  34. Dumping gelatin in the ocean is going to be a problem because jelly fish is like gelatin. And if we buy the clear gelatin then we are totally and royally fucked. We won’t know which is gelatin and which is jelly fish when the ocean turns into a big gelatin. We have to go to plan B. I know this because I was swimming in the ocean when I was little and a jelly fish swam by me and I started puking and then someone peed on my leg and I felt better. True story.

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  35. looks cozy, and i’d consider getting one, but i’m not sure a sleeping bag needs another sleeping bag.

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  36. I know what’s on my Christmas list! That bear sleeping bag might possibly be the best thing ever.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Love/Hate =-.

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  37. My favorite part of the jellyfish article is: “We are looking at a world-wide silent invasion.” What an understatement.

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  38. i have absolutely no impulse control when it comes to people not locking the fucking doors too! there was a string of burglaries in my neighborhood last year and i still couldn’t get my husband or daughter to give two shits about keeping our doors and windows locked. we have some special kind of immunity apparently. and it sure as shit isn’t the three fierce pugs just waiting for a visitor.

    btw- where there are vampire jellyfish, there are def werewolf eels. that’s a foregone conclusion. you crack my ass up!
    .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..i hurt in weird places =-.

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  39. You know what? Screw that vampire jellyfish. Immortality is overrated. It doesn’t give you that sense of urgency you need to achieve personal growth in this life. Bears are a far better role model, plus they get to scratch themselves against trees—snap on that, jelly.
    .-= Mr. Paul Maul´s last blog ..TEN BASEBALL TERMS THAT WILL SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP =-.

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  40. Did you see where it said that they are the size of a human pinky nail when fully developed? http://www.worldhealth.net/news/jellyfish_that_can_age_backwards_are_inv/

    You could totally take them.

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  41. The other day, I learned that scorpions fall from the sky, and now I know that there are immortal killers in the sea and bears break into houses. I was going to hide under the bed, but then I remembered the post about monsters under the bed. Any ideas?
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Flux =-.

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  42. That is a pretty awesome sleeping bag, but I thought you were going to talk about this:
    http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/bb2e/
    Notice that it even has blue intestine pattern on the inside, just like a REAL tauntaun. (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to re-watch The Empire Strikes Back)

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  43. 44
    Brenda Hess

    I want that sleeping bag! I want to feel Nommed!

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  44. I did not have a phobia of jellyfish five minutes ago. More knowledge is not always a good thing.
    .-= Chicken´s last blog ..Unfinished Chicken Business… =-.

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  45. Squids, jellyfish, they all suck! Did you see that movie or read that book by Dan Brown where the bad guy threw the girl in the tank with the giant dead squid. Freaky as hell!! It might have been his new book. Who knows? Anyway, I hate them. And it must be hereditary because my daughter just asked me, “Where do Octopusses live?” She doesn’t know about Octopi yet. (And I actually like “Octopusses” better. Hmmm….??) But I digress.
    I told her she didn’t need to worry. They lived deep in the ocean. Not where we would swim. She wasn’t convinced. They’re creepy!
    .-= One of The Guys´s last blog ..French Toast….deal breaker? =-.

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  46. So that would be the MMAVGD, no holds barred.

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  47. Okay, it says it is “the great sleeping bear,” but it’s eyes are open. I don’t think bears can sleep with their eyes open.

    P.S. You earned a badge, too.
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..I need a schedule and… =-.

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  48. Why are men so damn inconsiderate and selfish??

    I need me that bear bag. We camp every summer, and every summer bears come through our campsite. Honest to god. Where the hell do I get one? You need to tell me. You’ll be saving a life. Or more.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Mr. Handsome And I Don’t See Eye To Eye, Or Maybe We Do, But I Wouldn’t Know Because I Rarely Know What He’s Talking About =-.

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  49. Ahhh, beautiful immortal vampire jellyfish, and that bear suit sleeping bag is freaking awesome!

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  50. I hope that bear sleeping bag doesn’t smell like bear breath. Do you think it does? Is that why they don’t make dead whore’s vagina sleeping bags? Oh wait, they do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ao1NmbLm_M
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..A Day Late (But It Still Counts) =-.

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  51. I just IM’d that to ALL of my friends…just in case they were amiss as to what they need to get me this year for any special occasion. Watch…I am going to get 15 bear sleeping bags. I will send one your way if I get extra!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Random Tuesdayness! =-.

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  52. Not to freak you out, but I don’t think you need to resort to jello, we already have the Gyre. http://www.good.is/post/transparency-the-great-pacific-garbage-patch
    I think this could possibly solve your problem. You’ll just have to herd the jellyfish to the Gyre.
    You’re welcome for saving your life.

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  53. The sleeping bag is just freaky in a “When Bears Attack” kind of way.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I’ll Call You If My Uterus Falls Out =-.

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  54. do not worry. jellyfish are not even in the same family as squids. unless they have the same last name, in which case maybe they are related but it is not by blood. or venom. or ink. or whatever they have.

    but! the sleeping bag! so great it causes sentence fragments!
    i thought no sleeping bag could be greater than this:

    but the bear totally beats the tauntaun. the tauntaun is slowed down by the small child who lives in its belly.
    anyway. the bear is great because maybe i have said that i would not mind being eaten by bears, but people are always pointing out that that would be a terrible way to die. well, sure, if you were sober. but now i can be eaten by bears without the self-righteous scolding of the jerks who are all “don’t let bears eat you. it will be a mess. no-one will make a movie about you.”
    also, if the phone is for me i can say “TAKE A MESSAGE. I’M IN A BEAR.”

    now, back to squids – i know of one way you could overcome your fear. try drawing one. because i am obviously a classy and talented individual with only the most refined of hobbies, maybe i have spent a substantial amount of time trying to draw a decent squid (decent-looking, i mean. i cannot vouch for their personalities). i mean, i can draw an octopus pretty well. a squid should not be difficult. but every time i try to draw a squid, it just ends up looking like an evil weiner (the anatomical part, not the food). if you are less scared of man bits than you are of squid, your fears will be overcome. if you are equally scared of both, then you are probably terrified to the point of retreating into the sleeping bear right now. dag. sorry.

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  55. (oops. i do not know if the comments need email addresses to be approved. internet! mysteries!)
    .-= rhp´s last blog ..HAPPY MEW YEAR! ALSO, SORRY! =-.

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  56. The bear bag might be a good idea if bears were not known to sometimes turn cannibalistic in lean times.

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  57. I’m not one bit surprised that there is an immortal jellyfish floating around out there. Why? Because the ocean is filled with tons of crazy, fucked up stuff. Hi? GIANT SQUIDS? Those things are fucked up. Their eyes are as big as dinner plates. I think sperm whales fight them to the death. Who wants to run into that shit while leisurely swimming.

    Have you seen the translucent, glow in the dark, super creepy fish that live at the bottom of the ocean? HO. LY. SHIT.

    Clearly, I know way too much about this stuff, but that’s only because I have an irrational fear of the ocean and it’s many bizarre creatures.
    .-= The Faux Trixie´s last blog ..Twilight Sucked the Life Out of Me – PUN INTENDED =-.

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  58. I’m sure you know that you are supposed to ask somebody to pee on you immediately if you get stung by a jellyfish, right? (If it’s a vampire jellyfish, I guess you have to get a priest to pee on you.) Anyway, my wife, who is a doctor and should know better, got stung by a jellyfish and I was all, “no problem,” and reached for the anti-venom. She was like, “get the hell away from me!” And then she complained about how her leg hurt for the next two days.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..Five Things for Cynics to Do at Church =-.

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  59. I totally want a bear sleeping bag! Those things rock! We could have bear conversations together! It would be all grrr grrr GRRRR!
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..And monster makes three. I mean 12. =-.

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  60. My sleeping bag looks like an immortal jellyfish. It’s the best of both worlds!
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I need my college roommate back! =-.

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  61. Hmmm…while I don’t actually own a sleeping bag currently as I try to avoid any and all situations that would require using one-my childhood thru college sleeping bag was covered in sheep so clearly I wouldn’t have been initmidating or protected.
    .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..So we all know how I LOVE THE Spanx. =-.

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  62. I want to do my share. How many boxes of generic jello should each person dump in the ocean? More forthose of us close to the coast?? John

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  63. 65
    The Original Lisa

    My birthday is in less than 2 weeks. You should know that, but really, who am I kidding? Yeah, so remember all those terrible things you’ve done to me over the years? Well that bear sleeping bag could totally make up for *most* of them. Nothing will make up for the fact that you had me convinced there was a black leopard in the abandoned house next door.

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  64. Don’t be ridiculous. It was a black panther that was in the abandoned house next door. Also you have to remind me that it’s your birthday the day before. Two weeks before is pointless. Honestly, it’s like you don’t even know me.

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  65. When I sent you that article I was scared of jellyfishes. Now you have made the brilliant move of equating them to vampires, specifically to Edward Cullen. I love Edward Cullen! Edward Cullen might be a bit scary but he will always deny his dangerous impulses and put his existence at risk to save me- I mean Bella. As such, your analogy has cured me from my fear of jellyfishes! Thank you.

    Like

  66. Like my grandmother used to say, “Where there are wolves, there are werewolves.” We’ll just go ahead and assume that since there are wolf eels, werewolf eels are obviously out there – swimming around – seriously pissed off at the vampire jellyfish.

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolf_eel

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  67. Not werewolf eels silly. ORCAS. THE WOLVES OF THE SEA.
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Ain’t No Thing =-.

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  68. 70
    Sir Pinky The Cat

    I hate to tell you this, but that sleeping bag might actually attract bears. I know it’s practically waving a red flag for my bear sister Betsy. After all, it looks very realistic, and would undoubtedly make the other bears think that a bear is already in the house. Betsy would be there in a second to rob that bear of all of their honey and other goodies. You don’t want that, do you?

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  69. I like your fantabulous idea of turning the ocean into jello…but how on earth are we gonna separate the “jelly”fish from the “jello”. There’s only one letter difference and as far as I can tell, that makes it close to impossible.

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  70. But! Those jellyfish are adorable, they are SO TINY AND IMMORTAL AND AWWWW.

    And you should feel sorry for them. They’re immortal because they resort to the polyp (baby) stage instead of dying–that’s like going through puberty a million times. How much would that suck???
    .-= K´s last blog ..It’s like my mouth is pooping sadness =-.

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  71. Immortal squid?! Why can’t a nice, friendly animal be immortal, like a butterfly? What’s wrong with a butterfly being immortal? Nothing. You never hear about butterfly attacks. People never have to carry meat tenderizer into fields in case a butterfly attacks. No, they don’t. Stupid vampire jellyfish.
    .-= elz´s last blog ..I’m at Draft Day Suit =-.

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  72. This almost makes me want to become an insurance agent just so I can have to explain that my client needs a “bear and jellyfish rider” on her policy. And so then I can say to other clients (wistfully) “You know, if you REALLY loved your family, you’d add the bear and jellyfish rider to your policy… but I guess SOME of us are just willing to play with our loved ones’ lives…”

    I believe I’ve now found my purpose in life. Thank you!
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..Freakin’ me out… =-.

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  73. Sleeping bags are for camping. And no one should ever go camping, because HI! WITCHES live in the damn woods.
    Fact.
    And I hate that snotty girl that couldn’t stop crying for scaring me away from the woods FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.
    .-= Sara Plays House´s last blog ..Quickie =-.

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  74. WTF? My comment box yells at people? WFT did it say? And I shall promptly smack it for you!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..I need a schedule and… =-.

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  75. I’m sure there’s a gag in there somewhere’s about Goldilocks….but fucked if I can think of it. Hand us a shot of vodka will ya?

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  76. I totally want that sleeping bag. I’m thinking I could sleep in it at home and if there’s a scary sound at night I could totally come downstairs like that and scare whatever it was worse than it scared me.
    .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Me on the Internet: the early years =-.

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  77. The most venomous creature on earth is the box jelly fish. Jelly fish are not to be sneezed at, my friends! If you have a BAD cold, and you sneeze at a jelly fish, it might think you are a long lost relative and throw its gelatinous arms around you. If it happens to be a box jelly fish, you will never sneeze again.

    As for the bear sleeping bag, when I was a small child in Atlanta, Georgia, we lived on a farm that my grandparents owned. They lived in the big house, and we lived down the hill in the servant’s quarters. Actually it was a pretty nice two-bedroom house made of fieldstone, and we even had indoor plumbing. about 100 yards from the house was an outhouse that was last used probably in the 1800’s. We stayed away from it because of eastern rattlesnakes–they love outhouses.

    One year some men asked my father to go bear hunting with them in North Carolina. My father knew nothing about hunting because he was from NYC, but he went along because it sounded like an adventure. Well, someone on that trip actually killed a bear, and skinned it. He gave the bear skin to my father as a rememberance of his hunting trip. Dad brought the bear skin home and put it on the floor in front of the fireplace. We thought it was exciting!

    After a couple of weeks, though, that thing started to smell, because the guy who skinned it didn’t tan the hide. The smell got stronger and stronger, until we couldn’t even stand to come through the front door. My mother gave him an ultimatum–either the bear skin goes, or she would take her children and move up to the big house and leave him there all alone. So he took the bear skin 100 yards away from the house and threw it in the outhouse along with a bucket of quicklime. Then he nailed the door shut, and planted sweetheart roses all around the outhouse.

    That was the last of the bear skin, but not the last time my father ever shot a shotgun. Once my mother asked him to kill a chicken that had wandered into our yard from across the road because she wanted to cook it for dinner. He had no clue, being from NYC, how to kill a chicken, so he got his shotgun, and shot it. There was so much buck shot in that chicken that my mother couldn’t pick it all out, and she was afraid we would break our teeth trying to eat it, so she made my dad take it back across the road and leave it in the neighbor’s yard.
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..Hanging Out On The Corner of Walk And Don’t Walk =-.

    Like

  78. Problem with staking the vampire jellyfish. They’re all about the size of your thumb, so it will be really hard to hit them. What we really need to do is help the werewolf eels in their fight against the vampire jellyfish. Or we can just ignore them because they’re in the ocean and we have no reason to be there anyway.

    Like

  79. Funniest thing I have read in a really long time. Seriously. So glad I found you, lady.

    Like

  80. Vampires are sexy? No shit?
    That’s fucked up.

    The only thing more fucked up than a regular vampire is Brad Pitt as a vampire. Or even worse…Brad Pitt as a vampire jellyfish. That’s just kinda gay AND fucked up.

    I’m going to go upload a picture of me in my vampire jellyfish sleeping bag…..kicking a bear’s ass.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..How my sucide bomer date lost her teeth. =-.

    Like

  81. That is the most awesome invention ever. Thank you for sharing and giving me a laugh. It is a great invention if you live close to bears.

    Like

  82. I want, no scratch that… I NEED that sleeping bag!
    Went to New Orleans this weekend.
    Left cold, wet, rainy, snow still on the friggin ground, Maryland to go to a place with sunshine and flowers and parades and Etoufee and Jack and Jim ( Daniels and Beam that is) only to find it raining and icing and SNOWING in DALLAS and SHREVEPORT – which are not too far away and impacted the NOLA weather with 40-frickin-degrees IN THE DAYTIME!!!…. while it was 76 sunny and BEAUTIFUL in Maryland…
    Can I get a break? Or one of those bears to sleep in? Either one works for me, but the bear would be best so I can just tell my family I died and they’ll leave me alone… finally!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Ode to the Satellite Radio… OR… How I survived 18 hours in a car with TeenBoy! =-.

    Like

  83. You are ignoring the inherent possibility of someone killing your sleeping bag bear to death (yes..killing it TO DEATH) with you inside it dreaming of immortal vampire squid.

    This is precisely why I returned my “John Wayne Gacy” sleeping bag.

    Vigilantes: They shoot first and then poke your imitation serial killer sleeping bag later.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – March 21, 2010 =-.

    Like

  84. Right now, I am seething in jealousy. For I would totally love a bear sleeping bag like that, if only to scare the living hell out of my other half inside it and attempt to get all kinky under the fur. He would freak out. I would laugh. Then I’d wonder why we weren’t still getting kinky under the fur and probably fall asleep making the bear head appear to be drooling in total protest and making myself look amazingly unattractive. On the other hand, I am also 36 weeks pregnant and I’d like to see what a pregnant bear looks like. Awesome. However, also being 36 weeks pregnant, the bear would suddenly grow a leg, since I can’t sleep with the blankets totally on, and I’d just end up outside the bear eventually and throw it on top of my other half unintentionally (uhh yeah..sleeping!) totally pissing him off in the end for having a bear on top of him all night and STILL he wouldn’t want to be getting kinky under the fur and I’d be like ”wtf you allowed a bear to rape you in the night but not me?! WTF Is wrong with you?! You’re ruining my life and making me feel way too unattractive!”
    You know what that bear might just cause more trouble than he’s worth….
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..Ask Me: Getting kids to clean =-.

    Like

  85. Wow, your right! Vampire jellyfish. You know if you put them in direct sunlight on the beach they melt and everybody knows what happens to vampires in the sun.
    .-= cathy´s last blog ..Getting back into the swing of things. =-.

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  86. Easter Sunday morning. I’m getting the bear sack, leaving it on the floor in a realistically dead bear position, and sitting next to it with a sledgehammer and a coffee. Then maybe, FINALLY, my in-laws will quit fucking with me.
    .-= Julie, The Wife´s last blog ..Yard Work Be Dammed =-.

    Like

  87. Holy crap, that sleeping bag is like living out the movie Grizzly Man.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..The Poet, *** =-.

    Like

  88. if i was Victor I would glue a dildo on that bear sleeping bag while you were sleeping in it.

    and you’d wake up all disoriented and be like, “wait, I’m a bear?…. wait, I’m a bear with a boner?”
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..hey jealousy =-.

    Like

  89. ^ Awesome, Furious, Awesome
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Mini-Medical School =-.

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  90. 1. The tauntaun sleeping bag was the coolest sleeping bag ever. Until now.
    2. All the bear sleeping bag needs to overtake the tauntaun is… a PENIS BONE! That would make it the best sleeping bag in the known UNIVERSE. Plus it adds a level of stabbiness beyond just teeth and claws.
    3. I find it odd that in the vast ocean of ickiness and fear, no one has mentioned the collaboration between sharks and jellyfish. They totally work together to maximize terror and pain. I’m not sure jello would stop a shark. Someone mentioned plan B. Does it have shark-stopping powers?

    Like

  91. That was the best first line to any blog post I have EVER read in my life.

    Like

  92. Personally, I like pears in my jello salad.
    And teeth in my sleeping bag.
    .-= The (Terrified) Mommy-to-Be´s last blog ..What Hollywood Has Taught Me =-.

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  93. The Edward Cullen comment made me tinkle a little, but only because I always tinkle when someone mentions Edward Cullen.

    The bear sleeping bag, on the other hand – I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Like, seriously. I bet I wouldn’t have almost pooped myself the last time I went camping and a bear came into our site and was debating which one of us it was going to maul because if I looked like a bear I would have been totally safe.

    Fuck that. I want that sleeping bag so I can scare the shit out of friends and family when we go camping next time. I’ll just have to make sure to hide the bear mace before I do…
    .-= Jenny Jerkface´s last blog ..A Boy and His Beanie =-.

    Like

  94. Since my name is Desiree I feel a very personal connection with this blog. I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something? LIke I’m about to have a bear encounter… I’ll let you know if it happens.

    Like

  95. A little known fact about Jelly fish…They are quick to adapt to the environmental challenges and changes they face everyday in the grand scale of evolution. Therefore, one could only surmise they would in fact turn into JELL-O-FISH! You think you are getting a yummy piece of peach in your fruited sea JELL-O-HELLO STINGY STRINGY JELLY FISH THINGY in my throat. Can’t breath…getting dark. Granny, is that you?
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Green Pet-Dog Toy from Recycled Plastic Bottles =-.

    Like

  96. So, do we all get together after the vampfish, squid, werewolf eels and orcas have been picked out of the oceans of the world? Ya know, to squish the jello back into liquid form and then spit it back into the ocean? I don’t necessarily want to sign up for that shit. But, for you, I totally would.

    Like

  97. ***Most people know about my horrible giant squid phobia***

    I didn’t know about this. No one tells me anything.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..L.A. Sign Of The Times #54 =-.

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  98. I hope the research they are doing on that damn jellyfish includes how to use it in a wrinkle cream. You know, since it’s immortal. Like vampires. And you know who doesn’t have wrinkles? Vampires. Motherfuckers.
    .-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..This Isn’t a Real Post. Except the Part About My Vagin@ =-.

    Like

  99. I am so glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks it’s necessary to fill the ocean with Jello…

    Like

  100. mmmmmm Pixie Sticks….
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Kitchen Insecurities =-.

    Like

  101. THAT’S the sleeping bag i’m getting for when i go off the grid to live in LA’s underground sewage system. then i won’t need a space heater. thanks for the reco!
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..The old man and the sewage system =-.

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  102. I’ll never forget the first time I let a bear eat me. At least I got a reacharound.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..muskrat films presents a short: my 3-year-old and her cellphone =-.

    Like

  103. No really, the absolute BEST sleeping bag is a sleeping bag made of electrified forcefields, because it zaps any bears or other natural predators that come near you and electrocutes them to death 🙂 And that’ll even make Victor happy too, because then it won’t matter if he fails to get off his lame ass and lock the door because any bear who comes in any unlocked door and comes near you is doomed anyhow. So that means you stay safe, Victor conveniently gets away with any failure on his part to get off his lame ass and lock the stupid door, everybody wins 🙂
    .-= Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..sidewalk chalk =-.

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  104. It is immortal meaning it’s also not biodegradable. Because it lives forever. Like a walmart bag. AND it looks like a walmart bag. So. We’re fucked because the plastic bags in the ocean are starting to FUCKING EVOLVE PEOPLE! Up next, flat tire sharks and condom sea horses. I may never swim again.

    Like

  105. So last week this guy at work was telling me he wrote a book about the captain of the Titanic and how she sank the boat on purpose- and I was all, that’s interesting- and then he was all, but wait there’s a creature- and then I quit listening because..well obviously- but my husband also had this conversation with the same person and he said that the captain of the Titanic sank the boat because of the creature- because it was on board in the body of a human and the only way to stop it was encasing it in an ocean. And I was all- that is so improbable- but now that I know there are vampire jellyfish maybe it isn’t and maybe I work with a plagiarist- also maybe I should quit blaming the republicans for sinking the Titanic- unless they created the vampire jellyfish- crap now my tin foil hat fell off and they are going to find me!!!
    .-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..She’s a Maniac =-.

    Like

  106. […] you ever read The Bloggess? Insanely funny, sometimes heavy on the insane. (Discovered via […]

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  107. Aw, that’s a cute sleeping bag. It’s like a giant teddy bear. And LOL about the Edward Cullen squid. HAHA! I was literally laughing while reading your whole post. I guess this means I won’t go snorkling anytime soon. I’d be too afraid of the immortal vampire jellyfish.

    Like

  108. I had planned on moving to a foreign country to avoid the healthcare reform, but if you’re going to save us all with free jello…

    Like

  109. I never understood peoples fear of these little jellyfish. NOW I KNOW WHY.
    “Because they are able to bypass death, the number of individuals is spiking. They’re now found in oceans around the globe rather than just in their native Caribbean waters. “We are looking at a worldwide silent invasion”
    WORLD.WIDE.SILENT.INVASION.

    this shit is like the zombie apocalypse all over again.

    Like

  110. Maybe you should get this t-shirt to wear around the house to remind Victor that bears are bad news unless you are sleeping in them because then they are just warm and toasty.
    http://www.snorgtees.com/bearsarealwaysbadnews-p-778.html

    Like

  111. […] COULD happen you know…a bear like sleeping bag almost ate The Blogess once..I saw the […]

    Like

  112. I had thought for a second there ‘Finally! I found my sister’s 30th birthday present’- imagine my disappointment. More importantly, imagine hers. Now she will never know the warm embrace of the inside of a bear.
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..Tattoo Inspiration =-.

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  113. You think bear sleeping bags are awesome? Check out this story about some dude in Virginia who makes hats out of guinea pig pelts.

    http://www.nvdaily.com/news/2010/03/-trial-date-set-for-man-charged-with-animal-cruelty-in-guinea-pig-skinning-case.php

    He’s facing a year in jail for animal cruelty, but it’s all okay because he’s “an admirer of hunters, such as Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett,” and he goes to church and prays daily.

    He said he learned the techniques of decapitation while he was studying plant biology at Cal-Berkley, and he used those techniques when he killed the guinea pig.

    “This resulted in a beautiful fur hat with happy expression and the eyes now filled with oil and preserved,” he said. “I was proud of this hat and wore it around town. I had used Bacardi 151 rum to keep a sterile area for the tools that were necessary for preservation and the care of the hat because I couldn’t afford medical ethanol, which is used to sterilize professional equipment.”

    It gets better. Then the reporter interviews a woman from Metropolitan Guinea Pig Rescue who took a day off of work to attend the trial. “I did some research on my own and found the article on the Internet and decided to come over and represent abused guinea pigs from all over the world,” she said.

    And finally, there are the comments from the folks who are freaking out that people are worried about guinea pigs, but not the thousands of unborn babies who are murdered every year in abortion clinics.

    I’m embarrassed to say that I once worked for this newspaper. I’m proud to say that I left it–and Virginia–more than five years ago for the fair state of Massachusetts. We had universal health care before it became a federal law, ya’all. Boo-ya.

    Like

  114. The lipstick on the vampire jellyfish really helped me see “it”. I think we should eat them and see if we become immortal, don’t you? I mean, that would be so COOL!

    I know you’re like all YEAH! Let’s do it!
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..My First Brush With The Law =-.

    Like

  115. I have great respect for Victor. He’s like the hardest-working man in blog-business.

    Like

  116. Maybe you can use your bear sleeping bag to direct the other bears to stab the immortal jellyfish and make it a win-win for everyone? Just sayin’.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Um, I Ate A Pepper =-.

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  117. I need that bear sleeping bag!

    Like

  118. Do you think Natalie Dee is talking smack LOL ?

    Like

  119. I hate to say it. But actually THIS is the best sleeping bag ever.

    http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/bb2e/

    Camping on Hoth is way more bad ass then camping on earth.
    .-= Emma ´s last blog ..Illness =-.

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  120. I know this was a few months ago but I just found this and I CANNOT STOP thinking about it. So without further a du (?)…… have you ever seen kids do “sleeping bag wars”? If you have, awesome. If you haven’t… YouTube it. This could be a mix of sleeping bag wars and that show on the Discovery Channel (I think) where they make fake huge animals fight to see who would win.. It’s real I promise. It could be like that but cuddlier and with fewer sharp teeth. And you could just take a nap after. Totally perfect.

    Shark: http://www.treehugger.com/files/2010/05/feed-your-kids-to-a-shark-shaped-sleeping-bag.php

    Like

  121. […] chronically unable to stop over-sharing and that everyone with basic internet access knows my  phobias,  my weaknesses and has seen me in various states of undress.  I’m not the dark, brooding […]

    Like

  122. LOL… That is the best sleeping bag ever. And great artwork by the way.

    Like

  123. […] Last year I totally wrote about how I wanted to sleep in bears to save lives. This is a […]

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  124. I really wanted this sleeping bag until you mentioned getting an eye poked out. It’s not that I’m opposed to losing an eye but my husband said if i ever were to lose one, he wouldn’t let me get a glass eye because I would put it in peoples drinks or food when at parties or fancy restaurants. I can’t really argue with that because my first instinct WAS to put it in a martini glass and see how many people actually noticed but there aren’t a ton of cool or interesting eye patches so I’d have to start making my own and that seems like a LOT of work. Plus my necklaces always get tangled up when I take them off and I figure the same thing would happen to all my really cool eye patches.

    Like

  125. 127
    Lady Penelope

    If you sleep in that bear-bag while camping, you are gonna get shot.

    I’m sure the good folks at the bear-bag making place have that as a warning label though.

    Like

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