This week felt like it was made of all Tuesdays

Is it Sunday?   Good.  Because I need a damn break.  Also, it’s Velociraptor Awareness Day so everyone gets to eat whatever they want and to screech like Velociraptors at strangers.  It totally kicks Columbus Day’s ass.

Here’s what I was doing all week:


    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    This week’s wrap-up sponsored by T-Shirt Outlet, which (in the spirit of full disclosure) is run by one of my very best friends and I constantly harass her with terrible ideas for t-shirts that should never be made and she continues to nod thoughtfully even when I’m all “And then the flying night squirrel would be screaming ‘YOU NEED A HUG, I CAN TELL.‘ and it would be scarily horrible and also terribly happy in a completely disturbing kind of way” and she says “Yeah.  I’ll have my designers look into it”.  Because that’s what friends are for.  They’re there to nod at your insane ideas.  And also to make kick-ass t-shirts like these.  I want the kitty exorcism one.  You probably do too.

    58 thoughts on “This week felt like it was made of all Tuesdays

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Oh…for Velociraptor Awareness Day we’re only supposed to eat what we want and screech at strangers?

      Now I feel bad for gutting all these people on the street using my toenail.

      Awareness days really need to start coming with instructions.
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – April 18, 2010 =-.

    2. Wouldn’t a week of all Tuesdays make you feel like you wanted to poke something important really hard with an ice pick?

      (What important thing that might be is left as an exercise for the class.)
      .-= Lori´s last blog ..The Rules =-.

    3. God, there was so much lumped into a week of Tuesdays… I know having a week full of Tuesdays can be terrifying, but just think of all the mother fucking miracles that happen on a daily basis and it should make you feel better. For example…mountains, trees, the seven seas and everything chillin’ under water, please. Or you can just learn your mutha fucking science, understand that pet cats and dogs are not miracles, and that painting clown faces on your children does not make them miracles (they are just kinda miracles on their own). Once you learn that, there is no explanation for a week full of Tuesdays… sorry, that must suck.

    4. Velociraptor Day is a special one in my household, where I release live animals in my house so the cats can kill them, and stop tearing up the plaster on my bathroom wall.

      Also, my great grandmother was a velociraptor.
      .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Happy Saturday Night! =-.

    5. Oh, and thank you for turning me on to Velociraptor Appreciation Day, that way when my children go around eating anything they want and screeching at strangers I can just shrug my shoulders, act like this is unusual behavior, and blame it on V.A. Day!

    6. I can’t wait for you to build your new house…it’s so exciting to build. Especially if your new neighbors start vandalizing it and trying to sabotage you dreams. (That may or may not have happened to me…I don’t mean to scare you)

      Also, those party rats that are perfect for night blogging (they so are) would go really well with my glow in the dark zombie finger puppets. I only have three though. (puppets not fingers)
      .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Mongolian Death Worms and Shankings =-.

    7. I absolutely adore you for doing the “shit I didn’t come up with but wish I did” section. I think it’s full of awesomeness on your part and also gives us a good lead on where other awesomeness exists on the ‘net.

      So, really, pure awesomeness, toasted with cream cheese. And sprinkles.
      .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..For little girls, it’s time for bed =-.

    8. Velociraptor Awareness Day is so important! For me, it happens to be once a week, when I check all doors and windows of my house to make sure it complies with the constantly updated Raptor-free-homes standards.

      Your T shirt ideas are a blast! Keep up with them!
      .-= Real Celeb Fake Speak´s last blog ..From the Admin Desk: Week 3 =-.

    9. I think I accidently just posted the same thing twice… or not at all… I’m not sure… If I did I’m sorry. If I didn’t all I was going to say was thank you.
      .-= Katie´s last blog ..Side Effects Suck Beans =-.

    10. Is it really Sunday? What month is it?
      In Tucson, we actually do have the descendants of Velociraptors flying around. They snatch up small domesticated animals and carry them off. I wish I had some shrinking potion that I could secretly give to my snotty neighbor, so when and if she ever comes out of her house again, the raptors will fly down and grab her and take her back to their nest and shred her as a meal for their hatchlings. Then I would cut down the trees she planted in her front yard for the sole purpose of blocking our view of the Catalina mountains. Do you think I have a bad attitude about her?
      .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..A SECRET LIFE EXPOSED!! =-.

    11. I’m with Jo in comment #5 – I really want a night-squirrel screaming ‘You need a hug, I can tell’ t-shirt! OMG that would be fantastic. LMAO

      I didn’t know about Velociraptor Awareness Day, but I have now joined the FB event. It just happens to be the same day as my birthday. Huh, what do you think that means?
      .-= Kernut´s last blog ..The Birds, The Bees, and Pigeon Porn =-.

    12. This is sorta random, but who said awesomesauce that one time? I can’t stop saying that! In my head and otherwise…

    13. I second Katie’s question, “You’re only supposed to scream at strangers on holidays?”

      I recently screamed an enormous group of high school volleyball teams after being stuck on a plane with them for hours. They were messing around instead of making their way for the plane’s exit, and I just lost it, and yelled, “MOVE OFF THE PLANE,” and then “THESE PEOPLE ARE SO AWFUL.”

      It was the best/most-embarrassing moment of my life.
      .-= onlywords2playw´s last blog ..Nikolai Gogol’s "The Overcoat" – Ciphers, Poshlost, & Language Fails =-.

    14. I have the perfect caption for the Kitty Exorcism Creepy Critters T-Shirt:


      I would have said “I CAN HAZ GREAN PEE SOOP?” but the thought of “pee soup” is, just, like, ewwww

      .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Foodie Friday: Calliope’s Po-Boy =-.

    15. My velociraptor smokes… and by velociraptor I mean husband. So I’m geeked because I ordered us some e-cigarettes. They are just water vapor and nicotine and you can charge them with a USB – which is technoawesomesauce, (eh, heh… yeah… um, right… sorry?). I think he’ll be happy and I’ll stop obsessing about his imminent death. I researched them a while ago and gave up because they seemed too complicated for him to want to bother. That was until my co-worker showed me his “brand”. It’s a two part system with pre-loaded cartridges – nice and easy. Ours are in the mail. I got a sampler pack for myself (Chocolate, Coffee, Menthol, Regular, Vanilla, Apple and Strawberry) with zero nicotine…just for fun (go ahead, judge me). Here’s the link:

      Full disclosure: I’m so geeked about these that I signed up to be a sales rep – so yeah, the above link is tied to my account. You can’t blame a girl for trying. 🙂

    16. You know how there’s all that debate about whether or not velociraptors had feathers? Well maybe some did – but those were the drag queens. Can you imagine how much glitter that would take?!?
      .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Synonyms =-.

    17. it’s good there’s a velociraptor awareness day because i’ve seen velociraptors and you really do need to be aware of them cuz they can bite your head off and swallow it whole if you’re not aware.
      .-= Wendy´s last blog ..her morning ritual =-.

    18. Sooo, let’s talk about how my University celebrated Velociraptor Awareness Day… Let me preface that I go to a fucking weird school. It’s a small liberal arts school in the Midwest and it bodes on being “highly selective”. I.e., everyone is a fucking weirdy and awkward as shit, in the best/worst ways possible. Today, however, it is in the best way possible. I woke up in my dorm to hear such obnoxious screeching. I obviously thought someone was vomiting up contents of the night before, however, it kept happening. I woke up to make sure it wasn’t one of my friends screaming their last words and BAM. Holy shit, five grown men were fucking running up and down the halls dressed as what appeared to be velociraptors. Awesome. Horrifying. Mostly awesome with a hint of horrifying.
      Hope this week is full of Fridays, fuck Tuesdays.
      Megan, the girl afraid to look out her window at the velociraptor/men whom she fears will never leave..

    19. This is wildly off topic but this morning I found out that ‘crapulent’ is totally a real word (it means ‘very drunk’) and I thought it seemed like the kind of thing you (Bloggess) might like to know. Just consider it a thank you for douche-canoe.

      p.s. crapulous is totally a real word too. It means “sick from too much drinking,” or “characterized by gross excess in drinking.” Even though it seems like it might mean ‘fabulously crap,’ like ‘tacktastic.’ I was going to try and tie this back into velociraptors but it’s not working.

    20. Wow…we totally will be adding a new heading in our blog now…The headings will read, “You know you are a cat person when”, “You know you are a dog person when”, “You know you are a Velociraptor person when”.
      .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Watching the World Change =-.

    21. I’d like nothing more than to follow you around in your first few weeks of being in a town “where people have never even heard of blogging.”

    22. Ok people. I need your help. I just joined Twitter and I’m basically just following people and talking to myself because no one I know is on Twitter! Anyone want to join me? Sorry Bloggess for using your comments section for this. I joined Twitsville partly to follow you. You’re just awesomesauce!

      @PiaLuta if that helps. I don’t even know how the damn thing works!

    23. You need an architect…. call me. I work well with internet goddesses and stuff. Plus I read your blog. ;o)

    24. OK, I couldn’t figure out how to log in and leave a comment on your vagina post but really, Jenny? Vaginas are too magical. Everyone knows that. Also? I love that there is a “print this” button so that if I wanted to, I could print that column and Xerox it and hand it out. Just in case anyone missed it online.

    25. so i was just browsing along on youtube minding my own business when for some reason this video of a fox diving into the snow was suggested i watch next. The whole time I just imagined you making some lovely comment about ninja skills or something of that sort.

    26. 1970. I graduated from high school. I was in love with the man I would marry, and still am married to. 2010. We are waiting for results. I am fuzzy. I can’t remember stuff sometimes. Important things like when our Grandgirlies were born or I before E sometimes. Maybe hormones, maybe bad stuff. I am voting hormones because it is easier. There are pills for that. Thank you. As always. I don’t know.

    27. As for the Velociraptor awareness day, Jurassic Park would have been boring if they had shown Velociraptors accurately. They were only the size of a medium dog. They were at most 2 feet high at the hips, and weighed only about 35 pounds. Jurassic Park up-sized the Velociraptor them because the larger Deinonychus was not nearly as fun to say. Utahraptor was the only real giant of the family coming in at about 7 feet tall at the hips and 20 some odd feet long.
      .-= Holytape´s last blog ..Noah, the unabridged version. =-.

    28. So, i’m kind of pissed about the “learn your motherfucking science”. I love you’re blog and have been reading it for sometime now. and to have your “hi. it’s me.” post not that long ago, then post a link to a site that is making funny of a group of people( because they’re different) doesnt really help get your point across. Then in your next week to post a link to the music video that “learn your motherfucking science” is making fun of. you’ve got me all confussed.
      are you someone who hates juggalos but everyone else that doesnt fit-in will find their way, or do you know nothing about juggalos and just found “learn your motherfucking science” funny?
      please, let me know

    29. Cierra, I believe that everyone is equal and special but that the ability to laugh at ourselves is an amazing thing. If you read through my posts you’ll see that the main theme of this blog is that laughter is good and that not taking yourself seriously is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Almost all of my posts are about making fun of myself but no one is immune to ribbing. I love juggalos, weirdos, misfits, prom queens, Republicans, Morgan Freeman, friends and family, yet every single one of them is just as rife for satirical teasing as the next person.

      I have to think that Violent J and Shaggy would be the first people to agree that we can all benefit from learning to stop taking ourselves so seriously (you just have to watch their videos for proof) and to laugh along with the joke rather than bristle from it. Personally, I’ve read the Twilight books a million times but I still laugh my ass off at the parodies of them. There are too many things out there to take offense at without looking for things that aren’t really there.

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