Nobody cares about your dreams

One of my friends told me that dead people can visit you in your dreams but whenever I have dreams where all the dead people I know are in one room with me I’m always like “Shit. How much did I have to drink last night?  Am I choking on my vomit right now?” and my grandparents are all “We have something very important to share with you…” and I’m like “Holy shit, am I dead?  Is this heaven?” and then my dead relatives are all “Jesus, pay attention already.   How much did you have to drink?” and I’m like “You don’t get to judge me” and they’re all “Maybe you should stop drinking so much” and I’m like “Well technically I’m still alive so if this is a competition I’m totally beating all of you” and then they’re all “Really?  Because maybe you really are dead.”  Because dead people in my dreams are kind of dicks.  And then all my dead relatives are shaking their heads in disappointment and they won’t tell me whatever secret thing they were going to tell me because “I can’t be trusted” and then I wake up and tell Victor that I had that dream again where all my dead relatives were having an intervention for me and he makes me stop talking.

I’m pretty sure this is why you’re not supposed to tell anyone your dreams.

139 thoughts on “Nobody cares about your dreams

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well shit. I dreamt about Kermit the Frog last night, which means he is dead. Fucking frog. Now I’ll never know why there are so many songs about rainbows.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..The Big One =-.

  2. Wow, this is really cool! Recitation of dreams lends itself to prose poems because the recollection is always so stream-of-consciousness. Nice read.

  3. Look, at least you didn’t dream last night that your husband was caught having gay sex with my one true love Johnny Depp.
    Because I did.
    And I can never forgive him.
    Never.

  4. I always dream I’m skinny and a smoker again. It’s like dying when I wake up and remember I’m fat and I dont have the joy of smoking anymore. At least I don’t smell like ass.

  5. I prefer the dead people in my dreams over the weird guy that likes to come grab my big toe when I’m sleeping. At least I think I’m asleep and dreaming that or else I have a weird ass stalker with a toe fetish. Either way, I know the dead people. The toe guy… not so much.

  6. damn. so I shouldn’t write the post about schlepping the picnic table into different neighbors’ garages at midnight to steal a gallon of paint? it’s symbolic. really.

  7. I had a dream where a guy attacked me so I punched him in the nose. The I woke up 2 my husband yelling at me for punching him. Well OF COURSE I punched him, that’s what he get for attacking me in my dream *rolls eyes*

  8. I support you in this “dream” venture. It sounds like blogging. I wonder if you’ll start a “dream” fad. I wouldn’t be the least surprised. I mean, look what you’ve done for animal-mittens and cat-on-a-head (Don’t spread this around, because I am not to be trusted in any way, but I think the cat-on-a-head is going public on the NYSE next week as a result of your having introduced it to to the world.)

    (Do I have to own any Apple-manufactured products in order to get involved with it? Because if so, I AM OUT.

    OUT.)

  9. Do dead people read blogs? They might not be too off in their judgment that you can’t be trusted with a secret.

  10. I recently discovered that if I watch a lot of any specific TV show or movie series right before I go to sleep, I’ll dream that I’m in the show/movie. I try to watch Firefly before shutting my eyes. Or, here lately? Deadwood. Because Timothy Olyphant is a hottie.
    .-= Val´s last blog ..Chickity-Check it =-.

  11. ok…this is like the 4th time today I have heard that dolphins r gay sharks. o_O poor flipper, he has been kicked out of the closet! and maybe they will tell you this secret next time if you were not yappin thru it all 🙂

  12. DUDE, Last night i had a dream my boyfriend was on Heroin. Now you have to know him. He is strait as a fuckin arrow, he has never even smoked cigarettes in his LIFE. And i all i can remember in my dream i was yelling at him saying “Now you cant say shit about MY DRINKING because your on HEROIN!”

    I think my subconscious is trying to give me some sort of justification lol….

    TRUE fucking STORY!
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..My little sister is FULL of LOL man… =-.

  13. I hate how dreams creep into the emotional side of your brain and stay there the next day – like people don’t have enough going on in the real world that they have to get screwed up by even their non-sense dreams!
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..A first for my husband =-.

  14. I had a freaky dream about our cat who passed away 3 years ago. He was crazy scary and could talk. And I kept thinking of Freddy Krueger – because thats who the cat sounded like. I’m pretty sure your dream is way better, because at least you don’t have a psychopathic cat out to kill you while you’re subconscious.

  15. Your dead relatives need to just get over themselves. Dream interventions are for sissies, what ever happened to good old fashioned haunting? If they woke you up while surrounding your bed with mossy chains and moaning, they’d have your attention.
    .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..set a course for adventure =-.

  16. I hsd this dream last night where my youngest girl was in a wheelchair. It was motorized but she steered it with her feet and even in my dream I was really questioning why she was in a wheelchair if she had full use of her feet. I asked her, in the dream, if the other kids mad fun of her for steering a wheelchair with her feet. And she was all, “Duh, Nooo.” In the morning I told her of my dream and she told me I was the freak of all freaks.

    I guess we really shouldn’t tell our loved ones about our dreams. So, I’ll be keeping my dreams about the bagboy who was really Gerard Butler bagging a tad more than my groceries to myself.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..I’m No Picabo And Who Names Their Kid, Picabo? =-.

  17. Last night I dreamt about doing grocery shopping. God even in my dreams I’m dull. You think I could at least kick in some gratuitous nudity or killer box of cereal or a giant talking tampon, but no. I kinda like the idea of being chased down the isles by Snap Crackle and Pop. Okay I may have issues.
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..An Experience of Elegance and Lingering Pleasure. =-.

  18. Sadly, my favourite dream of death and killing is not my own:

    My manskie had a dream where he had to kill a guy, only to find out it was Jesus.

    That is some pretty messed-up shit right there.
    .-= Leni´s last blog ..Thank Crap for That! =-.

  19. That dreams means you want to kill your mother and have sex with your father.

    I actually didn’t read the whole thing, but Freud was never too big on the details anyway.
    .-= K´s last blog ..I am NOT a dog person =-.

  20. My husband is the one who has dreams where I’m mean to him and then wants sex to erase the memory of it.
    Oh shit, I think I just figured that out
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Trust Me =-.

  21. could be worse. I have dreams about unicorns with powdered people skin and laser beam eyes. Oh and last night I had a dream about being inappropriate with cheese. My boyfriend was cool with the unicorns but not so down with the cheese (he’s vegan).

    What I *really* want to have a dream about is Space Bears. That would be awesomesauce.

  22. I’m pretty sure this is why you’re not supposed to tell anyone your dreams.

    no, its because it’s boring.

  23. I guess this is a bad time to tell you (as if there was a good one) that I had a dream in which I was in a giant crater in Viet Nam with Emilio Estevez and we were killing Nazis but then a huge bulldozer started pushing bodies in the crater and they all looked like Sarah Palin.

    When I woke up I thought, “I wonder if dude had the same dream in his “i suck as an actor but my family is rich” Hollywood home thinking “who the fuck was THAT guy and what does he have against Nazis?”

    I also thought Sarah was just as plausible as a crater body.

    Yes…I was drunk. Don’t judge me! You’d be drunk too if you were in a crater with EmilifuckingO Estefuckingez.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Why toenail flavored mittens help the economy! Or..A Monkey with a Leaf. =-.

  24. how’s this for fucking with your head; apparently in dreams you sometimes go to alternative realities. I know it sounds weird, but I have this from a very reliable source. which kind of pisses me off cause I keep dreaming about an ex boyfriend, and frankly, if I can choose, I’d rather dream about gerard butler
    .-= angelica´s last blog ..I had a threesome the other day =-.

  25. hey at least they’re just dreams so you can wake up and make them go away.
    In my life the ones bugging the crap out of me are all alive… and living in my house calling me Mom… so there’s nothing I can do to make them go away… yet!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..The Ides of … April? =-.

  26. you know the dreams i love. the ones where you are falling. and then you jump and wake yourself up.

    they are awesome.

    on a side note. the discussion that you two had re the night squirrels – was the funniest thing i had read in a while. they are the type of conversations i have with the boyfriend. he seems to think he is a comedian and tries to scare the shit out of me. frequently.
    .-= miss carly´s last blog ..did you miss me? =-.

  27. My dead grandpa used to call and leave messages on my answering machine. Or at least I think it was him. It was hard to hear because it was full of static. But I’m pretty sure it was him. Right?

  28. All the people I want to see dead hop all around my dreams being all prosperous and shit, I can deal with the prosperity part, but all that hopping is a pain in the ass. I wonder if they are hopping on my ass… now I’m confused. *shrug*

  29. you know i had a dream of having sex with you the night you replied me on twitter 😉

  30. My hubby is out of town today and last night I had nightmares about my kids being total bad-asses. I woke up screaming “I can’t do this by myself!”

    So, yeah, dreams are crazy. Normally I just dream that I had an affair with a hot coworker and then I can’t meet their eye across the meeting room for weeks. It’s like “I totally ripped your jeans off last night. Sorry about that.”
    .-= Cyndi´s last blog ..it’s not a disability, it’s a tool! =-.

  31. What idiot invented the phrase “sweet dreams”?

    I hate my dreams. Never had a nice one. (Never had a wet one either, for that matter).

    Dreams are a brain out of control. And I just can’t trust my brain to operate without supervision from my conscious mind. It will get up to no good.

    My dead loved-ones aren’t interested in paying me an night-time intra-cranial visit. Too busy, I guess. As in life.
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..Der Fledermausmann =-.

  32. Ahaha, now it works! So anyways, there is a man that stands at the end of my bed while I’m sleeping..think he might be the grim reaper…..bastard! You can’t have me yet! Oh and chick with the toe pincher? My mom swears she had the same thing in the house she grew up in! She still sleeps with her foot moving so her toe can’t be pinched…of course, I think she nuts…but whatever…aren’t we all a little loose around the edges..
    .-= Kelley715´s last blog ..The nut doesn’t fall far =-.

  33. I totally agree that you shouldn’t share dreams. I woke up the other upset because someone was stealing my tortillas in my dream and he wasn’t even upset for me! I’m not sharing with him anymore.

  34. I had a dream that I looked through a window at kids playing… they were see-through (the kids, not the window… well obviously the window was see-through, I mean it’s an effing window!) then I felt a sucking feeling like I was being sucked towards them and right as I was about to be pulled through the window I shot awake. See-through kids were trying to adult-nap me… I don’t know what that means!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN JENNY?!?!?!?!?!?

  35. In my dreams last night, I was trying to order a hamburger at a fast food restaurant but the menu was confusing and the cashier kept asking “Do you want chicken with that?” I’m not sure what this means, except that I’m a loser, somehow.

    And Valerie, I’d be totally pissed if someone was stealing my tortillas! That’s a capital offense in Texas.

  36. Whenever dead people are in my dreams they always call me up on a big black rotary dial telephone. Apparently they don’t have cordless phones in the afterlife.
    .-= Lotta´s last blog ..Walking =-.

  37. WHOA Nellie!! I’m having TONS of death dreams lately too!!!! What the hell?!?!?!

    Except mine are more about my parents, and me running through dark houses, trying to find them, and I can’t, but instead I happen upon a group of people who ostracize me instead of welcoming me, and I end up in a closet crying.

    And yeah, don’t share the dreams. No one understands anyway, but then they judge you, give you that weird look, and then start calling people, doctors and nursing homes.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..I was a beautiful ninja, but only in my mind =-.

  38. All my dreams revolve around my wedding. Which means I wake up in a cold sweat because something terribly went wrong in my dream and it was so realistic I thought it was my actual wedding. Like the time I dreamed it was my sister getting married at my wedding. And she already got married last year so she was basically taking over my day. Bitch.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Plantricide =-.

  39. Nobody does care about your dreams, but for some reason, we are fascinated with them. Especially women. I wake up with a dream that I think is so very significant,important, needs to be heard…and the 4 guys in this house look at me like, “it’s only a dream.”
    .-= alexandra´s last blog ..Dead Sea Whaaa? =-.

  40. I had a dream recently in which I was recruited into a barbershop quartet with Andy Rooney, Martin Scorsese and Sen. Robert Casey because we all have bushy eyebrows. Analyze that!

  41. I have really weird dreams sometimes, but I’m underage so I don’t even get to use being drunk as an excuse. No fair. It would be less creepy if there was a valid explanation…

  42. My aunt passed away in March. In the Chinese “beliefs”, the dead will wander around for 7 days because it takes a while for them to realize that they are actually no longer with the living. So on the 7th day they will find home and come home and you know, be reconciled with the idea that they are you know dead. I never believed any of this. Seriously, I would be the last person on earth that wants to prolong this myth of ancient Chinese secrets and the stereotypes of Chinese being superstitious and shit. BUT on the 7th day, I was NOT even thinking of this since you know I am all modern and edumacated and shit, I dreamed of my aunt. Just her smiling at me. All of a sudden I woke up, and I looked at the clock and counted the days and the time zone difference, for sure, it was near the time when she passed away. I don’t know why I didn’t write this on my blog. Sorry for using your comment section as my shrink’s office… You have that mythical power. Must be from the Unicorn blood you drink.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Teaching Kids Simple Words: Part 1 =-.

  43. I always have these dreams where my friends are running after me, trying to kill me. I am so not crazy. AT. ALL.

  44. Interesting in a creepy Freud way. My dead husband visits my live husband in his dreams and not mine. I think this is because I have awesome taste in men and it bodes well for heaven where I get to be a bigamist. Heaven is gonna rock.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Here and There Today =-.

  45. My policy is never to listen to dead people in dreams, if they want to talk they need to show up while I’m awake and can take notes.

  46. My advice? Put a big glass of water next to your bed, which helps when you’ve had too much to drink – especially too much red wine. I’m pretty sure it helps prevent dead relative intervention dreams too.

  47. Well, if I’m dreaming at all, I must be in REM sleep. And if my body is allowing me to get into REM sleep, then that means that I must not be as messed up a usual. So, MY dead friends are just coming to tell me, in their bizarre, zombie-like, dead friends way, that I’m getting better. The mess with me while they’re here, because, as stated above, they’re dicks.

    By the way, “Dead Friends” is the name of a Boston based rock band.
    REM is that band you all know. The lead singer of REM is a dolphin.

  48. I never have dreams about dead people, well people I wish were dead. Also I’ve been watching a lot of Buffy reruns so my dreams are usually full of vampires and zombies and demons.

  49. Why my computer shits the bed every time I click onto your blog I don’t know. It does one of those Matrix slow mo move like Keanu Reeves. Are you all bugged up.

    I guess I won’t tell you my dream about where I was actually actually talking to Brad Pitt. For fucking serious.

  50. Is it slo-mo for everyone? It loads fast for me but I have a lot of pictures up right now.

    Also, you guys have freakier dreams than I do. I feel strangely better about myself.

  51. Holy Maccaroni….I totally needed to laugh and it is so great to know that Dead people are going to someone else at night….and the Intervention-LOVE IT! . When my Dead people come and see me I always ask them why they are coming to see me because they are DEAD….isn’t there anything better to do in Heaven? My Grandmother got all pissy with me when I told her she was DEAD…guess she hadn’t gotten the MEMO (this was just a few days after her funeral and I had taken an ambien and chased it with a bottle of wine…OOPS)

  52. I had a dream about you once….you were wearing an outfit from a vendor we carry at the boutique I run. A red baby alpaca links sweater with a mermaid style black alpaca links skirt.

    Are you totally creeped out? No? I also had a dream that I performed oral sex on a high school sweetheart…at the fucking super market.

    Are you creeped out now?
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Sleepsex, Dog Years & Grapefruit =-.

  53. I very rarely dream about dead people, but when I do, they are always trying to kill me. I’d much rather have an intervention than a homicide attempt, but hey… I do sometimes dream things that come true, like, the next day. Is that weird?
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..I’m So Excited! =-.

  54. I know this is supposed to be a lighthearted entry but this is what happens to me.

    People who have died violently haunt my dreams. They are people I have never met. The settings are places I have never been. As near as I can figure out, I am a witness for them; a final living testimony of what happened. I don’t understand why this happens or why they chose me. I don’t know them. The information is so vague that I can’t verify it. It’s quite maddening.

    In normal life I am somewhat sensitive. At least, enough to know that people don’t like psychics and that’s understandable. I keep my mouth shut and let them figure things out by themselves. I don’t know if this plays into my dreams or what.

  55. This one time, at dream camp, I lived next door to these two older people and then I discovered they were really giant robins pretending to be human. Then, they abducted me because I knew the horrible secret and then a boy I had a crush on in sixth grade rescued me. Cold medicine is awesome.

  56. I thought you weren’t suppose to tell people your dreams because the dream police will hunt you down and push you off the top of a very tall building as they eat snack cakes and speak backwards. Mmm snack cakes.

  57. All I want is ONE DREAM where I have a penis . Because frankly…God did not give females NEARLY ENOUGH “YEE HAW!” AREA.
    (Only dear god could we do something about the apperance because it really is not His best work. Sometimes I think on Penis Creation Day, He was on sick leave and the final design was left up to Bob the donut guy. Sigh)
    .-= Loralee´s last blog ..Filming at The Pioneer Woman’s ranch in Oklahoma (where the wind came whistling down my zebra striped pajama pants). =-.

  58. Jenny,,, I need to talk to you about your pannic attacks, stress level, and anxiety… I’m going through that now and I don’t know what to do… help! AND I feel lost….

  59. Last night I dreamed that the Trinity killer (from Dexter-showtime !) broke into my house to kill me, which is funny cause on the show he IS dead, and instead I grabbed my sharpest knife stabbed him in the eye and then slit his throat…..That’ll learn you John Lithgow (trinity killer incase you don’t watch) to mess with me….and also….John please no more booty shots! but….I digress…..the real point. HELL YEAH ME!

  60. The dead are so judgmental. I get paranoid when people say “they’re always with you, watching you.”
    I don’t want my grandmother knowing about my naughty time, and I’d rather be completely alone while defecating. Call me a prude.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Wear Your Bug Spray in the Projects =-.

  61. Do you know how many times I’ve ASKED for guidance from dead friends and relatives??! What do I get? NOTHING. Not so much as a “boo”. Whatever.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Cat-Ass-Trophe =-.

  62. Victor’s an asshole. Geez…if you could just figure out what they are trying to tell you, I mean it might be the secret to world peace or maybe they just want to congratulate you on being a Czar.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Don’t drink and Wii… =-.

  63. At least they only talk to you in your sleep. The other way can get really freaky. I’m not admitting to anything, I’m just saying…

  64. This is why Victor should wish you “sweet dreams or no dreams” before you go to sleep!

  65. It’s weird that your post had to do with dreams for I too had a dream last night. I dreamt I was Dorothy and I dropped my house on that nasty neighbor and stole her shoes. The plus was when I clicked my heels only once I got an awesome breakfast burrito. Yeah…dreams are cool like that!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I’m A Cameleon =-.

  66. Last dream I had about a dead person was recent and I was all excited and emotional, like we were having this fantastic reunion and he was all preoccupied with this drawing he had done.
    Naturally this hurt my feelings deeply and I woke up wondering to myself…
    .-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..Marry me? =-.

  67. the other night i had a dream about a patient at the office where i used to work. we’re totally cool and frends on fb so i messaged him all about my hilarious dream.

    he never responded.

    i don’t think we’re totally cool anymore.
    .-= You’re Lucky I Don’t Have a Gun…´s last blog ..Blue Table =-.

  68. I don’t have dreams with dead people. Does that mean I’m the dead person visiting everyone else’s? Geez, I hope not. I like being alive.

  69. You Insane Clown Hussy, you.

    I don’t come here often enough, but I always leave loving you more.

    (Did that sound dirty? Deal with it!!1!)

  70. I have what I call EPIC Dreams, because they seem to go on forever and cover more than one generation of bizarre individuals. I even have them more than once, or if they are different, some of the dwellings in them are identical. My favorite dream is my outer space dream in which I am floating high above the earth. The nicest thing about that dream is that the temperature is IDEAL–neither too hot or too cold.

    I even remember very vividly certain dreams I had as a very young child. I have not had those specific dreams as an adult but I remember them specifically.

    My husband thinks my dreams are boring. That’s because I leave out all the good parts. If I told him those, he would be really pissed.
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..On Playing Piano In A Whore House =-.

  71. I usually dream about people dreaming about my dreams except when I dream about my dreaming about other people’s dreams, claiming theirs as mine.
    It’s all good.

  72. I dreamed the sky was on fire last night. Not just over Iceland, but everywhere. Also, there were huge snowblowers blowing snow right up to the mountaintops. No dead guys though, so that’s good, right?
    .-= mr farty´s last blog ..Wedding Photos =-.

  73. I actually do not remember most of my dreams, though sometimes I remember flying and fire. Or maybe that is just stuff I want to remember.

    I do sometimes wake up very early very suddenly, in a light sweat, with the two dogs staring at my like I just leapfrogged out of the space ship. Is that bad?
    .-= Brahm´s last blog ..In Support, with Silence… =-.

  74. I don’t know what we are going to do after you move.

    I just hope that where you move to has high speed Internet access. Even if you don’t have a house, you need to have high speed Internet. Or maybe it is that we need you to have high speed Internet access.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Velociraptor Awareness Day =-.

  75. Yes, it’s best not to speak of those kinds of dreams.

    I rarely remember my dreams, which is annoying because I think they’re pretty good. Wait, maybe I do remember them….just not any good details. Like annoying dead relatives.
    .-= One of The Guys´s last blog ..The Dance of Compromise =-.

  76. I once had a dream that my son was a Chipolte burrito all wrapped in foil and I was driving him around in my turck and when i stepped on the brake, he rolled under the seat. I do have a son but I do not own a truck. This is a true story. I cant figure out what it all means. Any ideas?
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Murphy Needs his own TV Show =-.

  77. My own ‘Victor’ complains that I give him chest pains whenever I wake him to tell him about an awesome dream I’ve had … *sigh*

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