Ebay hates me. France is on the fence.

Ebay just asked me to take a survey about how my experience selling my camera that was broken by ghosts is going:

All this is true.

So far, no response.  Probably because they get this kind of feedback all the time.

And in entirely unrelated news…the weekly wrap-up of shit-I-was-doing-when-I-wasn’t-here blogging without centaurs and getting yelled at by ebay.

The If-there's-a-theme-to-this-week-it's-probably-"ballsacks" Edition.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    • Someone sent me this link with the subject line “You’re huge in France!” which was very flattering except that I read a little French and I’m fairly sure it says something like “Bitch, if you’re too uncoordinated to not get stabbed by a fucking table then you probably don’t even deserve to live through the zombie apocolypse.”  Touché, mon ami.

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    66 thoughts on “Ebay hates me. France is on the fence.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Oh my god, Sassy Gay Friend is the best. So is the fake science. And the Ballsack Edition of Ask The Bloggess. You rock.

    2. It’s true. When faced with major moral or physical decisions I often think “will this qualify me to live through the zombie apocalypse?” A lot of times I fail, but then I make myself feel better by eating something smaller than me.
      .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Questions, sort of…. =-.

    3. Loved the video that explains why you blog even though there’s no real money in it. It helped me understand why *I* blog, even though there’s no real money in it at all. (I’m not very business savvy.)

      Also: That French thing? I wouldn’t feel so bad; I’m pretty sure that was written by robots who work in eBay’s Paris office.
      .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel =-.

    4. I recently found my hubs in our basement decked out in kevlar with about 90 pouches of bullets hung from various parts of his body, wearing a helmut and several large semi or automatic weapons (I can’t tell the difference) When I asked him what he was doing he explained he was going to the shooting range. Ummm…okay. So I asked him if he was practicing for his supser secret job as a government hit man (I am totally convinced he is one) and he said no, he was simply going to practice for the zombie apocalypse.
      .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..A carnival of sorts-minus clowns dear lord puh-lease =-.

    5. PS: Apparently, your comment system doesn’t like the “strikethrough” tag, which was supposed to magically put a line through the word “really” above, but didn’t, leaving me to instead look like some scrub who can’t write a decent sentence (which, OK, I probably am anyway, but I was trying to hide it as much as possible).

      Again, I’m blaming robots. YOUR robots. (I can only assume you’re building a robot army to do battle with eBay’s robots.)
      .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel =-.

    6. Just for the record, you can probably tell a man’s sexual orientation if his “hamster” exposed.
      If he’s gay, it will probably look like this:
      http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/02/Nacktmull.jpg

      if he’s straight, it will be more similar to this:
      http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cc/Osprey.JPG

      Either way, if the “hamster” is in full-view, it is more than likely intentional. This is a guy you don’t want to mess with.
      .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..I Got The Papers On You =-.

    7. Screw Ebay I say
      They totally lied to me when I wasted $2.50 on a ‘supposed’ 2 ct diamond necklace last year for mother’s day
      It was a scam
      It was a fucking bracelet

      JT
      .-= jenny talia´s last blog ..primpin’ =-.

    8. communitychannel is awesome & i will be using the classic Sassy Gay Friend as my cliffnote guide to shakespear drama. Jenny, you are so great to share!

    9. I can read a little bit of French…that’s something.

      If you get stabbed by a table leg, you’re not getting past the first three hours of Z Day.

    10. Please try to publish the story of Goergie anyway? That would make an awesome book.

    11. I love the “Drive” video… Well, I could say I feel slightly more validated after watching it, but I’m not sure my blog is changing the world 🙂 Now, if only I could get my bosses to watch it. *sigh*

      Ebay is a P.I.T.A. It wasn’t worth the trouble. But YOU got some excellent posts out of it!
      .-= Kernut´s last blog ..We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts =-.

    12. “Although Bloggess castigated the base of the nightstand – it believes the risk of stepping on them at night – I note that it is easy to slide under the bed of a kick during disassembly.”

      That’s what Google Chrome tells me the translation is. So yes, France is totally conspiring against you with eBay robots. Though they called you “it” so they may believe you are a robot of higher intelligence and are threatened by your mighty robot powers. If I were you, I’d install a laser cannon and let them know they were right to worry.

    13. Ebay probably hasn’t responded because they are double checking to make sure you didn’t try to sell your cat AND screw them out of their cut AGAIN, because they see how you roll. [How you roll varies by degree of the hill you are on, or the degree of drugs you are on. Mileage may vary.]

    14. Don’t worry, if the zombie apocalypse occurs while you’re in France, I’ll handle your protection myself.
      And I’m off to translate that blog post to English, Google translator is being creative.
      .-= La Souris´s last blog ..Châteaux-forts =-.

    15. Not that I don’t adore Jenny, but hey Mommypotomus, send the link for that Costa Rican Missionary. She sounds great.
      Jenny, is it just me, or are the best bloggers all insomniacs? I think I sleep to much to ever make it in this game…
      .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Bloggers Without Make-up =-.

    16. I do not believe there are very fierce zombies in France. The French are a very superficial people and their zombies are almost certainly more concerned with their appearance to constitute more than a light threat to a zombie warrior from Texas. The French, however, talk big, as they are concerned with their reputation and are full of hot air. French zombies are therefore over inflated and rather larger than, say, the Yorkshire zombies, causing some people to believe them more dangerous than they are.
      .-= Mary Wollstonecraft´s last blog ..How to save your marriage (and Mary Poppins) in the kitchen =-.

    17. French zombies, I hear, do imbibe rather more wine than the common British sort. This is because they were once French and I believe zombies do retain some of their past attributes. (I imagine American zombies will sometimes mistake a cheeseburger for a brain). For instance, my friend Miss C. who was recently zombified looks just as slow witted and self-centrered as she was in life. I do wonder if a little wine might render her more interesting?
      .-= Mary Wollstonecraft´s last blog ..How to save your marriage (and Mary Poppins) in the kitchen =-.

    18. Wow, you’d think by now all Internet-based corporations (and most old-timey ones, too) would have shared the wisdom of never surveying you for your opinion unless they’re doing so for satirical/promotional purposes.

      Hey, maybe that’s why eBay sent you one? They want to get the word out to that one last guy who hasn’t yet found out that there’s this thing called eBay that you can blow a lot of money on in replacing all the crap you sold on eBay.
      .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Things that amuse me, Vol. 4 =-.

    19. The advice column was priceless this week. The sexless girl with the man abroad who wants to do the budonkadonk with older women definitely needs to meet the ball sack guy on the the bus. Even if was just a hamster. Two new things to love!

    20. If you read this before you read the earlier post, “Blogging Without Centaurs” makes you think of way different things that the post was really about.

      It made me miss all the other things I routinely have to do without centaurs. “Cooking without Centaurs,” “Selling Vacuum Cleaners Door-to-Door Without Centaurs,” “Knitting without Centaurs.” (OK, I don’t knit or sell Hoovers, but if I did it would be BETTER with a centaur and now I’m unhappy that I don’t have any.)

      Thanks for a big ol’ case of raging disappointment today.
      .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..I’ll take my points to go, please. =-.

    21. If France is on the fence about hating you well then your doing friggin awesome cause the French as a general rule hate everyone. Ebay however should be kissing you and your cat and your tranny legos ass cause boatloads of people remembered the actually existed because of you. So ebay, know where you should be planting your lips, near the centaur ..

    22. Silly girl. ROBOTS sent you the survey! There are no people that actually exist at e-bay. You know….kinda like Victor. 😉

      But seriously….if you now see black helicoptors hovering over your house, e-bay sent them. And there are robots in them.

      And, if totally unrelated notes are allowed: Last night I dreamed I was being honored at The Viper Room in LA for having over 200 zombie kills. Apparently with a shotgun I designed called the “Z-Banger 508”.
      Slash’s band was playing and Rob Zombie presented the award but I shot him on stage because I suspected he was the leader of a secret “hive”. Everything stopped and people were screaming “DUDE!! You just shot Rob Zombie!!! WTF???!!!”
      I was all like, “Uhhhhhh….hello! Rob ZOMBIE???”

      Gotta love that Ambien.
      .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Wouldn’t work. Vaginas don’t blink. =-.

    23. That orgasmo alarm clock is evil. What if you couldn’t live up to the sounds your alarm clock was making. Talk about a self esteem zapper. But then again the condom with a ruler on it might be worse.
      .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I Worry About Worrying =-.

    24. It would be extra awesome if different artists illustrated different bits of the story. But that would be way too much effort to organize. If you were going to put that much effort into it you might as well publish the book.

    25. When I click the good mom/bad mom link I get this…

      Reported Attack Page
      This web page at blogs.chron.com has been reported as an attack page and has been blocked based on your security preferences.
      “Attack pages try to install programs that steal private information, use your computer to attack others, or damage your system.
      Some attack pages intentionally distribute harmful software, but many are compromised without the knowledge or permission of their owners.”

      so I couldn’t read your story 🙁

      Everything else was great, loved sassy gay friend.
      .-= cathy´s last blog ..Blogging Without Makeup Day =-.

    26. You’re the third person that’s said they’ve gotten that message today. It’s part of the Houston Chronicle so it should be safe. I forwarded it to the main tech genius there so he can look into it. Weird…

    27. Just got the info from the Chronicle. Apparently at one point one of the ads offered by a 3rd-party server was coming via a site that’s hosted malware in the past. Google saw this and flagged the page. The ad has since been removed, so it’s not an issue, but the warning remains until Google updates it. The warning should be dropped soon but it’s safe to look at already.

    28. Ballsacks do sometimes retreat in response to loud noises. They are delicate and fearful creatures. However, you can often regain their confidence by petting them gently. Although they are often quite ugly and scary, they won’t bite. If they purr, though, you should probably take them to a vet, because something is obviously very wrong.
      .-= Lora´s last blog ..The first step is denial =-.

    29. You haven’t received a reply from Ebay because I’m pretty sure they don’t have customer service any more. Seriously, they closed down their call center in Burnaby like a year ago or something and since then I have never heard of anyone actually getting in contact with a real person from Ebay.

    30. I got in touch with a robot who was impersonating a real person at ebay. They just kept asking me which server I was using and then when I said I didn’t know, this automated sighing noise came from my speakers.
      .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Bloggers Without Make-up =-.

    31. Oh mighty bloggess! How do you create the “Shit I was Doing When I Wasn’t Here” pictures… They rock and I would like to rock also.

    32. I can’t help but notice the subtitle to the street art – ‘The If-there’s-a-theme-to-this-week-it’s-probably-“ballsacks” Edition.’

      I did a search of your site, looking for an article associated with the term ‘ballsacks’, but sadly came up short. I was searching for it, as it is very pertinent to a thirteen year old boy I treated in the Emergency Department, and his tale of woe with ‘sack taps’…

      http://itllonlyhurtforaminute.com/tag/testicles/
      .-= Mark´s last blog ..Medical Records 101 =-.

    33. Oh mighty bloggess! How do you create the “Shit I was Doing When I Wasn’t Here” pictures… They rock and I would like to rock also.

      (I just use photofunia.com. 🙂 ~Jenny)

    34. We are having a chalk art festival in my home town in two weeks. Artists will draw pictures on a bridge. I’m hoping someone will draw you. I would try, but I’m not sure I can really capture the essence of you. Hell, maybe no one can.

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