Stop. Helping.

I just tried to write an email and when I went to write in the subject line my email was all “Let me help!” and it gave me two auto suggestions which are supposedly based on my personal history:

Baffled. I don’t even know what to say here.

Comment of the day: Um, also worth contemplating?  The fact that you have one folder called “free booze” and another titled “what is my address”.
I smell a correlation. ~

158 thoughts on “Stop. Helping.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This reminds me of the time that I called my friend to tell her that another friend told me that people were KILLING themselves at a competitor of ours and she was all, “That’s ridiculous” and when she tried to Google it, Google gave her: “COMPANY-X SUICIDES STOMACH STABBING”
    Turn out some guy stabbed himself in the stomach during a staff meeting. I’ve been tempted to reuse that one.
    .-= Kit´s last blog ..Fire & Ice =-.

  2. Is the owner of the penis a zombie, or is the penis the only part that is zombified? In my experience it’s the latter. Huh, maybe I haven’t had good penis encounters.

  3. Well if you don’t have the picture it suggests, I am sure Mooooog35 will hook you right up with one.

  4. aw crap… i though you were talkin about cars. put a fork in me… i’m done.

  5. I kinda wanna see that pic too.

    Anyway, Are you communicating with a dead former president from like the 1800’s? Or is James Garfield the catagory of people that should be shot?

  6. It’s because you’re using a Mac. Apple is obsessed with that.

    Haven’t you ever noticed that the iPhone looks EXACTLY like a Zombie penis?
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..Your New Mac =-.

  7. Is it a pole dancing penis? Because you could make money off of that. Also, I would like more info on the navy hooker scheme.

  8. I like your email folders. You should post the picture of a zombie penis on the end of a pole in you have it!

  9. I find the names of your e-mail folders even more hilarious. “people I should stab,” “stuff I should respond to but probably won’t,” “james garfield.” I want to see your thought processes in a diagram form. I would hang that on my wall.

  10. The title doesn’t even surprise me but I love your folders. I particularly love the last two folders labeled: “what is my address?” and “Who are these people?” It reminds me of my grandpa.

  11. My inbox folders need a spruce up. I will borrow some of your folder names, if you don’t mind. I especially like “people I need to get back to but probably won’t.” And also “folder for stuff that doesn’t fit in folder.”
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Again with My Oprah Moment =-.

  12. I totally don’t have a picture of a zombie penis on the end of a pole. I honestly have no idea where that came from. I did just do a search though and I found that I sent an email to a woman (whose name I don’t recognize) several months ago with that subject and with with NOTHING AT ALL to explain myself in the actual body of the email. WTF, me? This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to drink and email. Also, now everyone knows that I have over 700 unopened emails in my inbox. Awesome. I’m going to to go hide in bed now.

  13. re: the apologize to and stab folders – I think you should consider including a “both” folder, because not every argument is that blank and white.

  14. I’m pretty sure the best part of this post is the AMAZING list of folders in your inbox (aside from the zombie penis, obviously). “Free Booze” “NAVY Hooker Scheme” The only thing missing is “People I HAVE stabbed” and “Bleeding Unicorns”

  15. Not exactly related. . . I was just reading Charlie Huston’s Already Dead, when I came to the passage about zombies – what causes them and how to kill them. It’s kind of a primer, really. Anyway, I’m pretty sure there’s some plagiarism here. Case in point:

    “Killing a zombie isn’t complicated, it’s just hard. The first problem is that the damn things are not quite alive in the first place. Or not quite dead. I’m not really sure which it is.”

    See what I mean. Classic Bloggess. You might want to call your lawyer.
    .-= Knighton´s last blog ..Mighty Life List #38: Grow a Kitchen Garden (Sorta) =-.

  16. You realize that you have a folder that could, quite possibly, end life as we know it? A folder for stuff that doesn’t fit in folders. You can’t actually put anything in there, because then it WOULD fit in a folder. Yet, you have the folder.

    I’m pretty sure just opening that one would cause the entire universe to stop rotating or something equally as catastrophic.

    You hold the future in your inbox, my dear. Use it wisely.
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..I’m pretty sure the exercise gods are mocking me. =-.

  17. I’m so creating a folder that says “People I should stab” in my email. AND then I’m gonna one up you and make a huge, four inch binder and put that on the spine and front cover and put it on my coffee table. To save time I’m just putting a couple of local phone directories in there. And then no one will ever visit me again. They’ll be too afraid of getting their name on “THE LIST”. But they’ll already BE on the list. I like it!
    You are a fucking genius!

  18. Obviously Victor uses the same computer you do, and your email is getting you two confused.

  19. Awesome! I have to say that of course, to stay out of the “People I should stab” folder. Seriously – a great article. I love it!

  20. Thanks for an amusing end of the day. I’d hate to see how my email program might try to help me with a subject line. Geesh. Oh, and great folder titles. I’d add: people who irritate the #$@^ out of me. That folder would definitely fill up fast in my email system.

    .-= Scott´s last blog ..Lost =-.

  21. ‘Navy Hooker Scheme’ was funnier when I thought you were categorizing your hooker-schemes by colour, and not by the type of servicemen…service.
    Or is it making navy-men into hookers? Is that the scheme? Floating brothels? Because if so, I want inside your head. There is all sorts of weird junk up in there that I cannot fathom from the outside.

  22. since I named my penis James Garfield, I’m not sure if the pictures of my goodies are being filed under the garfield folder or Junk. Please clear this shit up for me, stat.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog beautiful ballerina =-.

  23. OK, I don’t really need to see a zombie penis. If one shows up, I’ll be OK with it, though.

    I’ll bet the contents of “Just Confusing” are fun.

  24. What really cracks me up is that you have a folder for “misc” amidst all the other ones. I mean “misc” almost seems sensible, so what’s it doing in there?

  25. You want to talk about the YouData people knowing you?! Clearly, your auto fill really gets you!

    As an aside, I know you are good with graphics. I’m not quite sure what a zombie penis at the end of a pole would look like. What it is doing? Why is it there? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??

    A graph or pie chart would be really helpful in this instance.

    PS: Thanks for RTing the Tranny Lego raffle this morning! And thanks for the donation. YOU ROCK! (Or You have a picture of a zombie penis at the end of a pole? I’m not really sure what the appropriate saying is here.) Thanks.
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Pregnancy Website Debate: To Enroll or Chicken Out? =-.

  26. Ariel-#40 here is a suggestion for you. Take the generic pics out of photo frames and other mediums and create a collage as a border for the cover. Then stick some more randomly inside the phone books and hilite names… If you don’t do it, I’m gonna

  27. Also, just when I didn’t think I could adore you anymore… I see your email folders. We should all have a “people I should stab” folder. Rather than a “people I killed then made it look like an accident. Oh God I hope the FBI isn’t reading my email. Again.” folder. Cuz’ that one will cause some trouble for you.

    Or so I’ve heard.
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Pregnancy Website Debate: To Enroll or Chicken Out? =-.

  28. That kind of text isn’t going to show up for no good reason. Most likely your email program automatically attaches a picture of a zombie penis on the end of a pole. Like, it’s the default stationery theme, perhaps. Are you using ZombiePenisMail? If you are using an email client named ZombiePenisMail it wouldn’t surprise me if it did something like that. Ditto for Outlook.

  29. I can’t believe everyone’s all over the zombie penis and not ONE single commenter mentioned the “you rock” suggestion. That’s just wrong – because, girl, YOU DO! (even if it is a suggestion for an email to send to someone else. You *could* be emailing yourself, right? What?? Doesn’t everyone do that??)
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..22 at 2:22 🙂 =-.

  30. I was saddened by “stuff I should respond to but probably won’t” since it defines my life. But “Phone #s I should memorize?” Who does that? Surely Victor’s is enough. I don’t even have my kid’s #s memorized. If I REALLY have to get them, can’t I just call 911?

  31. I really hate it when capital letters are omitted —- and the meaning changes completely.

    For example: “The last time I saw a zombie penis on the end of a Pole, I was visiting a friend in Europe.” makes total sense. I pity the Pole, but that’s not for me to judge.

    But to just have a zombie penis hanging out there on the end of a pole———?!?!?!WTF?!?!?!

    Is it like crab bait, or what?!?

  32. Since all the people building Apple products in China started committing suicide, they have started hiring zombies. Smart move actually, except they have a sense of humor as you have noticed.

  33. It be pretty nifty (yeah, i said it, nifty) if auto-suggestions worked a little like netflix. Because I can only imagine the titles of your emails then.

    Though I feel that might end poorly if you had to send an actual email to people…not…familiar with your blog.

    Can you freaking imagine if you got an email from Obama, or something, and your response was all, like, “I’d dress like a clown for you if it meant you stuff a bear for me.”

  34. I know you are using a Mac. We’ve discussed that before. But what mail application are you using? It doesn’t look like Mac Mail or gmail. Need to know, because I just do, and your categories make sense for you.

    (I use squirrel mail. ~ Jenny)

  35. –>I love your categories more. People I should stab is one I should add to my list. I also need to add,
    Why are these people still in my life?
    People who make me look fat
    People who should email more and talk less
    People I want to punch in the face

    Good times…
    .-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday (almost) – The Boat Ride =-.

  36. Ok, I’m seriously tempted to send that e-mail… (comment 77), but am worried that it is someone’s mother-in-law or something.

    On a related note, I recently saw Shaun of the Dead. The best part has to be when they pretend they are zombies too. Good way to fit in.

  37. I’m picturing it on the end of spear, roasting over an open flame . . . like smores.

  38. This is an excellent example of why mechanized “understanding” will never match the perception of real humans: all of us real humans know that if you had anything zombie related on the end of a pole, it would emphatically not be a picture of zombie penis. It would be a real one.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..Who Fooled Whom? =-.

  39. Okay…I would love to be added to your ‘Navy Hooker Scheme’ (even though I hate Navy as a color/fashion choice)

    The Free Booze Folder…I am all over that like a desperate grifter.

    And of course ‘The People to Make Fun Of’ I am a totally SSSLLLOOOWWW moving target!


  40. Just respond to all 700 unanswered e-mails with “It’s a picture of a zombie penis on top of a pole.” I bet it will be the right answer to at least one.

  41. OF COURSE. Now I’m curious: was the subject line a request for said picture, or was it an incredulous accusation?

    I just did the same in a blank new email. The suggestion when I typed “you” was “you should try this!” The suggestion when I typed “I” was “I’m being creepy” and “I hate men.”

    I then did a search of all of my emails for the phrase “the sex was” and one of the results (, from an email I wrote in 2007, was:

    “the sex was good but would have been a lot better if his brother wasn’t there”. MAN I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M STILL SINGLE.

  42. I’d be scared a zombie penis would bite me, or try to eat my brains. And really, penii are scary enough what with the throbbing and the shooting gunk at you without adding in one trying to eat you.

    Great. I’m never looking at my partners penis the same way again.

    Also, love your folders. And this is me, not emailing you because I don’t want to contribute to your unread email problem. But I’m commenting, so I think I’ve fucked up the not emailing you.

    Never mind.

  43. Long time reader. First time commenter. I don’t know what I laughed at more…the zombie penis or your email folders! I so need to rename my folders LOL

  44. Snap! I also have a “Who are these people?” folder. Let me know if you need help hiding the bodies.

  45. I have just discovered your website how refreshing. A normal person not possessed with celebrity and witty with it!

    We need you in the UK and I know how to get you over here …. all you have to do is apply for the job at Simple (do you have that in the USA?). They are looking for two people to promote their brand (over and under 18) who are not celebrities but instead will be Simple Stars. Please apply as it would be great to hear you blog on life in the UK!

  46. I looked and looked and looked.. but nothing came up when I tried to do a google image search of zombie penis on the end of a pole. The best I could come up with was something called “Akuma She” which involved some plot elements… but being hentai that can’t surprise anyone.
    .-= DarkTouch´s last blog ..Infatuation with the Whiteboard =-.

  47. Please put me in the free booze folder. Please. Pretty please. I promise to stay in the folder and not make too much noise. I probably won’t open the folder just wide enough to stick out my big toe and have him recite the pledge of allegiance in pig latin after I sharpie on a tiny porn mustache, then knock over all your other folders when I lose balance because he’s trying to do interpretive dance. I’m 90 percent sure I won’t do that. Ok, 80.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Be the Buffalo =-.

  48. There’s something just beuatiful about a email system that takes the time and effort to try and read your mind. Really, one of the best gifts of technology. Well, that and iPods.

  49. Somewhere there is a therapist who has specialized in women bloggers who have a bitter history of military prostitution while dressed at dead presidents in order to quell their violent guilt issues while sublimating their paranoia in order to compensate for their amnesia by wearing bold colors and photographing genitalia kebabs of the undead.

    And that therapist is very, very lonely right now.
    .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..Ways in Which I am High-Maintenance…and The Surprise! =-.

  50. My iPhone replaced the word “skint” (short on cash) with “skintight” so I ended up texting my friend saying “I’m a bit skintight at the moment”. Wasn’t really what I was going for.

  51. That subject line about zombies is terrifying. Maybe the zombies did it, not you. Or, the zombies made you do it while sleepwalking…or…someone that you stabbed back then came back to life as a zombie and tried to trip you up by using a subject line like that? Maybe you should stay away from poles. Be scared. Very scared.

    Totally loving your folder names. It’s awesome^cubed!
    .-= Karen-Maeby (@missxkaren)´s last blog ..thank you for being a friend! =-.

  52. What a coincidence, I too have an email folder called “navy hooker scheme”. In fact I’ve been campaigning for years to convince hookers to wear navy. Right now the poor girls are just screaming for a “what not to wear” makeover. I can picture them now in their navy suits all lines up like flight attendants (ok the shirts would be shorter, but you get my drift). My only concern is the lack of visibility at night. Perhaps they can attach florescent tape to their lapels? It worked for the airlines…
    .-= Claire Gutschow´s last blog ..You can have your cake and drop it too =-.

  53. Hey, at least you didn’t have an animated paper clip or the cyber equivalent of Dumbledore pop up and offer you this “assistance”. Verbally. At the highest volume setting that your PC is capable of. In a crowded meeting. With upper management present.

    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: Fresh Meat Arrives =-.

  54. You don’t even want to know what my little email helper recommends for me. And I could never post a screenshot of it unless I had some kind of reasonable explanation to give the FBI people and the little men in white coats that would show up at my door.

  55. In my head, the zombie penis is spinning on its side atop the pole like those vaudevillians who would spin plates and sing that “ya tatatata” Sabre Dance music. Whether or not the spinner is a zombie, I don’t know. But I also like the fishing pole idea too.

  56. It’s so wrong that I want this to be an unmentioned e-mail to Blair from _Facts of Life._ It’s so wrong that I want this to be to the Netflix people once they stopped trying to convert you to Christianity and really wised up to your viewing habits.

    “You take the heart, you take the soul…”

    Alan Thicke wrote that, you know.

  57. I think zombie penis are very under appreciated… but then again aren’t all penis? good luck with that email

  58. So this instantly remind me of that time you posted a photo and I was pretty sure it was a raging hardon brusting through a baby’s chest as halloween costume (but I wasn’t alone when I read the actual text of the post because you did too!). But then I remember that it wasn’t a zombie penis at all and it also wasn’t on a pole. Come to think of it… I don’t even know what the costume was supposed to be, but it was on gruesome looking penis-baby-death. Actually, that was the first post of yours I ever showed my husband. (he enjoyed parts of your advice column so I thought he might like your blog, but he’s too much like Victor. No sense of humor or human decency.) After showing him that photo, he added a parental control on our computer and blocked your site. Good thing I know more about computers than him. Some people are so touchy.

    And, not that you’ll read this, this was my first time ever commenting on your blog. I’m pregnant and really don’t have a life. I work from home too… except minus the work part. But you rock. That’s all. Bye!!

  59. Um, also worth contemplating?
    The fact that you have one folder called “free booze” and another titled “what is my address”.
    I smell a correlation.

  60. Just so you know, proper mail folder etiquette dictates that “people I should stab” must come before “people I should apologize to”.

  61. I was not surprised by the zombie suggestion….what DID surprise me was you didn’t have a ‘cherished e-mails from AgentDragonFly b/c she always sends me random & awesome drunken/ xanax induced shit’…….probably b/c I don’t have your e-mail… I will overlook that minor detail…..
    .-= AgentDragonFly´s last blog ..Fairy Tales =-.

  62. Well, I’ve only been a regular reader of your blog for a fairly short while, but even I know that BOTH of those suggestions are PERFECTLY in keeping with your writing requirements.


  63. Your inbox folders remind me of my setup at work, but you’re missing a couple. My favorites that I’d suggest are “Infrequent Scraps of Praise”, “Well, That’s Just Great”, “Someone Else Is SO Going To Pay For This”, and “European Fuckups”, which I actually use surprisingly often.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Ow =-.

  64. Uh-huh… “I have no idea where it got that.” Sure, Ms. Bloggess, sure you don’t.

  65. If I had a zombie penis (why I have one; I don’t know know!) I would totally keep it on the end of a pole. Because omg, it would probably be all slimy and oozy and yech! I would use it to wave at people or maybe just you know, stab at people if I wanted them to stay far away from me and they weren’t taking the hint.
    You should probably check out that book, the one about complete guide to zombie survival? I don’t know though–I read that and even though before I wasn’t afraid of zombies now I totally kindof am. Because only the third floor is safe and unless you had a badass trampoline set up underneath the balcony when you jump out to escape because they finally figured out how to get up wouldn’t make it and they’d probably try to bite you and turn YOU all zombified.
    Scary stuff. But then so are penii on a pole, come to think of it, zombie or not!

  66. C’mon, you know your email has you pegged. Both suggestions are just so you!

  67. googling “zombie penis” is a strange sunday morning activity.

  68. I absolutely love ” People I should stab “. I could so use a file label like that. Instead I’ve just been keeping my list in my head and then I always forget someone. Thanks.

  69. Can you tell me more about the navy hooker scheme? It are relevant to my interests.


  70. What email interface are you using? That looks exactly like my school’s email interface. Weird.

  71. Love that ‘People who are yelling at me’ get either an apology or stabbed.
    Sound about right.

    So … did the navy hooker scheme ever get up and running?

Leave a Reply