Just an update…the amazing Kristoffer Kristofferson sold for a whopping $120 bucks to the Schipul company, notorious for once hiring a psuedo-Southern preacher to read a post entitled “I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t care what you do with semen“ in order to properly introduce me as a speaker at a Texas women’s conference. Because they are bad-ass.
They also leave the best ebay feedback ever:
That’s apparently how you also do awesome shipping. I tell you, I hate it when my murdered hobos are not fresh. Makes for a most NOT excellent transaction.
You enrich my life, Jenny. Just FYI.
Why is it always either a murdered hobo or the dead whores? I am starting to get suspicious!
Crying laughing. Also, I need to know more about the Texas women’s conference because I just moved to TX and am lonely as hell.
We ROCK on ebay! I really think you have a calling…writing ebay seller descriptions.
Hey…what’s up with the post office stealing the wolf puppet and replacing it with a dead hobo? Did they think no one would notice??
We notice, post office! We also notice when you pick up the mail early when we have REALLY IMPORTANT LETTERS that need to be postmarked on certain days!
Wait…that may really only be my issue.
Carry on.
–>There is nothing that chaps my ass faster than a stale Hobo. The fresh ones are always better even if they’re full of MSG.
http://www.websavvymom.com
Jesus DOESN’T care what you do with semen? Shit. And all this time, I thought he did.
All I can do is shake my head, lol.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
If you had kept him he may have helped with the Scorpions…just sayin’ (you gotta think ahead Jenny.)
Janis has a point, y’know. PlanningFAIL!
Awesome feedback. Take THAT, ebay bitches.
I think murdered hobos are better than dead whores. Just sayin’
What I want to know: Did you pack him in ice or send him by boxcar or both?
I love this post: short and simple, yet it says oh so much.
You should open one of those eBay stores… you know, the “we sell your shit for you because you’re a lazy mother fucker” stores. You’d be totally sought after by lazy mother fuckers the world over, wanting you to sell their shit on eBay. Think about it.
Thanks to my boss for purchasing this little bugger. I’ve stopped working late in fear that that thing will come to life and try to murder me.
A tip. If your hobo arrives and seems not so fresh, I’d like to suggest the gentle cleansing power of vinager and water.
My thoughts are similar to Margaret’s … How do you keep those bodies fresh? I was thinking dry ice, but then I thought it might make more sense to use those little silicone packets that you find in new shoe boxes and stuff? The ones that always say ‘do not eat’ on the outside? They are supposed to absorb excess moisture, so I guess they would work in combination with the dry ice…
hobos smell bad enough when they are NOT fresh. so a rotted one would be NASTEEE. Good work
Dear Jenny,
Naked hobos are disturbing.
Wait…you did say naked right?
Damnit.
-T
HOMAZING!
Since we all love feedback: Yay? LOL! You are so fucking funny. Excuse the American.
Can you send them to my eBay where I have to take care of for work? I need more excitement in my eBay life. Haha!
A stale murdered hobo is a crime against nature!
Today on the LA Times website there was a comment after an article by one Kristoffer Kristofferson. It said, “That guy sounds like a [sic] dousch.” I suspect that YOUR Kristoffer Kristofferson wrote the comment because the real Kristoffer Kristofferson would know how to spell douche. He is a Rhodes Scholar, after all.
listen I have had Billy Joel’s penis on my watch list for years now. The day that thing goes on sale, that shit is mine. And the day Billy Joel’s penis arrives at my door, I’m going to dig through the packing peanuts (which when said too fast sounds like packing penis… WHICH IS STILL OK IN THIS SITUATION!!!!) and then I’m going to put Billy Joel’s severed penis on my piano keys and slam the fuck out of it in the drawer. Fuck you, Billy Joel right in your stupid chopped off dick.
I guess for the Schipulites, two ‘eds are better than one!
~EdT.
LOL!!!! I love when companies have a sense of humor.
So, those people have iphones and cold hands, too? Finally, a Bloggess post that makes some sense.
Maybe this will solve our homeless issue…
So, do you think you could get a murdered hobo to Tasmania without it losing freshness? I don’t want a frozen hobo though.
Very good! Next feed back we find out who all is implicated in this crime? 😉
Haha murdered hobo… I don’t understand the “fresh” bit, though. Oh well. It was a funny read. I like that puppet thing! I’m not surprised you got so much money for it. Good for you! If I was the buyer I would put on puppet shows for others… or myself.
This is why I love you. Well, actually ensuring hobo freshness is really just icing on the cake. The real reason I love you is during my husband’s family reunion last weekend I kept using the word stabby to describe things. Because family = stabbying feelings but not actual stabbing.
At least in my world.
I like whores and hobos. They tell great stories. We should start shipping the murderers of the hobos and whores about. Now, I know you didn’t actually do the killing, and probably don’t even know who did. But, if you find out, please let me know at murderedhobos@gmail.com. We’ll take it from there.
Awesome feedback. How come it all can’t be like that.
The best hobos are always fresh…with a little salt.
You bring glitter and unicorns to my mundane life… I appreciate it!
Seems to me that with all his charisma, Kristoffer should have sold for more. I hope the folks at Schipul treat him well.
Or in this case, antisocial media.
@furiousball, I happen to own Billy Joel’s penis. Call me. I can’t wait to screw eBay over on the listing fee.
Do you know how to keep live hobos fresh? If so, I think you might be Jesus.
I’m going to need a higher class dead body. None of this hobo or whore business, I want famous people… or high-class whores, but then you don’t call them whores. You call them ‘ma’am.’
Jenny, you’re so pretty. If I offered Victor $800 million, would he trade you to me?
Jake
P.S. I don’t actually have $800 million. I do, however, have a National Safety Council satchel containing various metal pipes that a homeless guy gave me after I gave him a $20 bill. He also gave me a newsboy hat, but there’s no way I’d trade that.
I would love to have that on my epitaph.
You are sooo weird and your eBay buddies are too. But I love ya!!!!! 😀
If it was fresh, then it wasn’t a true hobo.
I hope they saved the receipt.
Are you Stephen King’s love child? Seriously. Your horrific imagination knows no boundaries. And now I’m too shitscared to Google *dear baby jesus should my girlfriend spit swallow or gargle* (again) because I’m convinced I’ll just end up back here. So that just proves one thing: you sold Google to yourself on ebay.
AH
MAY
ZING
@julie the wife – let’s make this shit happen
Would you consider writing eBay ads for a living too? Cos if you would, I would so pay you to do mine. But as this isn’t an eBay ad and I haven’t written “make me an offer” then eBay can’t do nothin’ about it.
Ed rules.
Faaantastic. Awesome. Agreed best feedback ever. Wish I had written. Oh hey I did write it, arent you impressed?
Ok wasnt me. At least I dont have a body to dispose of. That I’m admitting to…
Greatest. Company. Ever!!!
I like the idea of you opening an ebay consignment shop!
Damn. I tried to sell a dead hobo on Ebay last week and they totally deleted my listing. They are so elitist over there.
I am sitting here pondering what it could possibly mean that I was the 888th person to view your ebay feedback..I haven’t reached a conclusion yet but I am sure I will be there by nightfall. See you then! I hope you have fresh towels.
So, I hear that Schipul’s web server melted down after you posted this. Also, you may have irreparably damaged part of the Internet.
🙂
~EdT.
Finally, a preacher who deals with the important issues of life….
So I imagined that I was Kris Kristofferson…. and then I got really pissed off that I was described as a dead hobo. I mean, I am a fine looking dog / wolfy kind of thing / puppety animal with great teeth. And, I can assure you that I am very much alive and living the high life in St Tropez. Life is great and I am now invovled in a non-commital relationship with a Dalmation with great legs. That showed you and your ebay auctions!
Does fresh mean he had extra funky goodness on him? By the way, if the hobo was a female, would the proper term be sobo? Hurting my brain…again.
I thought you would have an update on the spider bite here. Maybe KK is still working his bad juju because you sold him?
I should check out their ebay store, the murdered hobos I’ve been getting aren’t fresh at all.
I didn’t realize that Kris Kristoferson came with a dead hobo! I mean furry wolf puppet that has voodoo spell PLUS deceased homeless guy; I really don’t think $120 could go any further. Crap. I really could have used one of those. I need a doorstop. Guess I’ll just have to go out and get one of my own.
Wow, you don’t like hobos very much, do you? #JustKidding #smilesandhugs
So does Jesus care what you do with that murdered (yet fresh) hobo’s semen?
It’s all about marketing and marketing response. Well done on both!
I can barely make it through your posts without tears of laughter making it impossible to read… today I ventured into the comments, and now I will forever picture Billy Joel’s junk on my piano keys when I play New York State of Mind. I’m destroyed… just sayin’ …. No. more. comments.
I’m pretty sure only The Bloggess can get away with selling murdered hobos – eBay totally owed you one for being douchebags and insisting you were trying to sell your cat. I would have bought the cat BTW, but not the hobo. It’s summer here and he would be mighty ripe by the time he arrived.
Hey, I’m a mother-fucking lazy person!!! I totally need someone to sell all my crap. I actually have hired 2 people and after like 2 weeks, they were fucking lazy too and BROUGHT ALL MY SHIT BACK. It’s that “I’m too mother-fucking lazy to have a garage sale but the stuff is too nice to give to hobos” stuff. I think I might have $5000.00 worth of scrapbooking shit. That phase lasted about 3 months…
Oh and LookieLou, that would be a ho-hobo. There is probably a real market for that sort of thing. Like for necrophiliacs? E-gads, sorry. hope that doesn’t come up in a search.
I so totally wanted to tell you I’ve gone back and reread all of your entries from 2007-2008 to where I’m apparently caught up to when I started reading you in 2009. Also, I’m doing this….at work. AT WORK. Either this says a) my boss is superduper cool or b) I need a new job. I’m going to go with a.
Also, loved the entry in 2007 about going to the graveyard. I love the graveyard as well, went to one on Thanksgiving day last year and spent half the day there by myself taking photos. It was a wonderful experience.
The reason the hobo was so fresh was because he was alive when he got boxed up. He was murdered in transit.* It was actually Victor’s fault.
You gave him, the hobo, a box to sleep in. Then Victor came home, found a ripe hobo sleeping in a box in your front yard, and he, Victor, woke the hobo up. So as not to be disturbed again, he, the hobo, put a cover on the box, but not before he gave Victor the double finger. Totally pissed off, Victor said “I’ll show you, hobo, who’s boss around here.” And he, Victor, grabbed some duct tape (Victor seems like the kind of guy who’d keep duct tape handy for emergencies of this nature) and sealed up the box.
Then, I guess, you wrapped up wolf Kristofferson for mailing and called up your Hell’s Angels buds to take KK to the post office. (They owe you favors for the homemade brownies—weed but no nuts—you always contribute to their annual bake sale.) The Hell’s Angels picked up the wrong box. If all the shouting and pounding from inside the box didn’t arouse their suspicions, it should have tipped them off something was fishy when the money you gave them for postage was way short of what was needed. But instead of returning to your house for more cash, they made up the shortage, on account of the brownies and all, and then rode off into the sunset.
*by Homeland Security, called in by an alert postal worker. Once the hobo was dead, Homeland Security washed their hands and washed their hands of him by leaving it to the post office to dispose of the body. The postal clerks on duty thought it would simplify matters if they just boxed him up again and sent him on his way.
The movie project is still on, right? Please please make sure that THIS is included in the movie. Or at least in the BONUS material in the followup DVD. That DVD should also be packaged with Hello Kitty vibrator.
I’m glad to see that Mr. Kristopherson went to a good home. Obviously they love him more than you. He now has his own facebook page for Gods sake. Alas he probably has a girlfriend, someone named Jessie Collin Wolfpherson no doubt.
it is totally beyond awesome that Kristoffer Kristofferson now has his own facebook page. that makes me happy.