I’ve been sick, moving, attacked by scorpions, mauled by spiders and I’m so behind that I’m now 2 weeks late on my list of shit-I-did-this-week-when-I-wasn’t-here. Get ready. It’s a long one.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- Dead llama fetuses: This is why everyone needs an intern.
- Someone translated my sex column into Hungarian. I have no idea why.
- Comment 152. I think I just got insulted with a word problem.
- Blogger Body Calendar. I’m in it. And naked. Sort of.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Panda juice. Drink it or you’ll die. Or at least be assaulted.
- I don’t know either.
- “We’re fucked.”
Comment of the day: Holy crap! Someone insulted me with that exact same word problem! I cried for at least an hour which made me feel bad about myself for being so sensitive, so then I cried more. It’s just so carefully constructed… like a little brain-eating worm that destroys you piece by piece and before you know it, you’re comparing your site’s traffic logs to the exact time the comment was posted and tracking down the associated IP address and then typing it into a reverse IP address lookup service and you’re lucky that day, so get the person’s home address and then off you go to Google maps where you type in the address that you dredged out of the internet like the creepy sociopath you are and what’s this? Street view? Of course! And guess what? That fucker lives in a shed. Fuck yeah. ~ Allie
52 thoughts on “I’m so behind I don’t even know where I live anymore.”
Read comments below or add one.
Oooh, Blogger Body Calendar! I’m excited to see, um, enjoy, well, support you.
Also, bisexuality DOES exist. And it made me fat.
Pudding Ox Ah!
–>I read comment 152 three times and it’s still not making complete sense. I *are* a graduate so I stick to English.
Hey! I’m bad at math and not wearing a shirt either! Boobies!
Oh, sweet present fairies, please bring me a bra caddy! On that preferably fits a kitten in addition to my janitor’s keyring, Iphone, and a couple of pens. It’s all I’ve ever wanted… in a bra.
Excuses, excuses, excuses. I demand proof of the so called scorpion and spider maulings.
I had a pet scorpion once, we cuddled every night. He was the friendliest creature.
I was worried that you had died!
I was thinking of ways to take over your life… I’ve never tried identity fraud thing and quite frankly I’m curious.
Would it be okay if I cheated on Victor with that guy from Twilight?
So glad you are alive! I was worried after scorpion and spider attacks and then no blog posts.
I was getting ready to submit nudes of myself, hoping I could take over your month in the calendar. My big chance is ruined now that you are still alive.
Seriously, you are awesome for participating in the calendar.
*sometimes* it is okay to kill puppies.
Like if a puppy attacked your boyfriend and tried to rip his face off.
That’s romantic, right?
You know why I’m fucked? I didn’t know Sweeney had a – er – “blog”. I mean, it makes sense. I guess it was denial. Oh, well, I *was* just looking for something to do with those 5 hours I’m still wasting asleep.
Too bad you left Houston. We have a gigantic flower that looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s junk, but it is named “Lois” and it has a Twitter account and I’m sure you two would get along famously.
I was wondering when this post would finally come out! 🙂
I liked it when it was a “world” problem, chica.
You want to see confused? I just tried commenting on Comment #152, but instead, I commented on the Happy Social Media Day post, so now nothing makes any sense and the world is about to blow up. But Jenny still rocks and will win over the world, one Kirk at a time.
Comment 152 – That is why I HATE MATH! I don’t even understand half as much as I wish I did. I don’t understand that either.
If comment 152 was half as smart as he thought it was, it would still be…no wait, that’s not right.
If comment 152 was twice as smart…no that can’t be right either.
Screw it. Comment 152 is a douche-canoe. I’m an authority on these matters. Trust me. I dated a guy like him once. But only once. It was fun deflating his ego and then making him pay for dinner.
Fanfuckingtastic as always. I laughed my butt off the whole time… except for the depression letter. Been dealing with that for about 15 yrs now and have just recently sought counseling and meds. My life is brighter than I ever remember it now. Awesome support, kudos.
You were attacked by scorpions? That sounds bad. I mean, probably not as bad as a zombie attack, but pretty close.
If the flesh where the spiders bit you starts to emulsify then fall off get yourself to an ER. Nothing ruins a nice Christmas photo more than necrotizing fasciitis.
I will beat up Commenter 152 for you.
Great post… cant wait for the calendar.
I was seriously offended by that email – they didn’t have one about Clinton.
On second thought, that would have been too easy. Kudos to that crazy person for exercising self-control.
I live in a desert, so scorpion attacks are pretty normal. I’ve also had run-ins with javelina, snakes, coyotes, and owls. Not even in the middle of nowhere or anything, just catching the bus to get to school.
K, I *think* No. 152 was complimenting you. I can’t be sure though, that’s some v.confusing mathematical humour.
So..you’ve moved OUT of Houston and were still attacked by scorpions and spiders?
That’s some fucked up karma right there, Bloggess.
You got attacked by scorpions? Aren’t they those things that look like crabs except they are black? Can’t you just win by standing on them?
If more people listened to your advice, the world would be a better place.
PS If I ever saw a scorpion just out for a stroll in my neighborhood, I would have to jump up on something and do the “OMG it’s a mouse” dance…and it isn’t pretty. Makes Elaine (from Seinfeld) look like she should be on “So You Think You Can Dance” or “Dancing with the Stars”.
Thank GOD my vacation coincided with your blogging absence! THANK GOD!
I’m also really psyched that you are now planning your life around my schedule. Don’t think it’s gone unnoticed or unappreciated.
So now I also need a Vampire Kitten Apocalypse Plan?
A couple of important points you have made in this post…yes were are fucked damn vampire kittens. Also, Kirk seems to be a big dick. GLT does sound like a sandwich and that Lesbian who didn’t support her bi-friend is also a dick. FYM I’m sorry that bisexuality made you fat…Lesbianism did that to me…or it was fried cheese. Fried cheese is a dick.
Being in the calendar with you? HUGE honor. Huge.
Thank you so much for helping the cause- I wrote a post about why I’m doing it http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/?p=2998 and I can’t thank you enough for your comment on it- thank you!!!
You have a dedicated intern…sorry Sr. intern. Perhaps, since she can’t get her hands on a dead llama fetus, you could substitute something else in its place (correct spelling of the word “its” here)? Say…maybe the dead puppy from the guy who is now boyfriendless and hairless? It would certainly be much easier to bury and also maybe it would grow into a puppy tree??
Oh man that Darth Vader voice almost makes me want to get a TomTom but then I really wouldn’t know my way around.
Also I love the zombie dating site. When I become a zombie I’ll thank you by not attacking you. That’s probably all I can promise though.
Dear The Bloggess,
I am the person, who put your article into her blog in Hungarian. I enjoyed it so much, that I wanted to share it with my friends. Some of them don’t speak English at all, so I asked a friend to translate it well, and I trackbacked and linked it back to you.
My blog is a personal, (not always) life-positive blog. I’m sorry if I offended you with this translation. I delete the post, if you would like, or I can even spank myself.
Only spank yourself if you want to. I like it. Now I can finally say that I’m “huge in Hungary”.
I just read so many things that didn’t make complete sense that now I am having a hard time figuring out where *I* am.
Jenny…let the world domination begin…well it already began…Where the hell did I put my Vodka Tangic?
i love that you share the hateful insults that some readers hurl your way! a lot of creative types would crumble under the weight of any criticism, but you have foiled those haters with your ability to revel in their vitriol. part of me wants to insult you so that you can do what you do best, but it would not be sincere. and i think that would be obvious. so i’m not gonna do it. is this your version of a pre-emptive strike? would it be accurate to refer to this as the bloggess doctrine?
Between scorpions, a vampire kitten and spiders I am not surprised that your daughter chose to be Lady Bear (even though if I were to design a Lady Bear costume, it would be a little more goth – but then it’s a good thing I wasn’t asked to do so). She is adorable.
Google kindly offered to translate that Hungarian blog page back into English for me in a pop-up at the top of my browser. So I decided to take them up on their very nice offer.
Thus your original comment on best sex positions for women no longer says “Any one of them as long as I’m with someone that I’m comfortable enough with that I know I can fart during sex without him judging me. Because otherwise I spend the whole time wondering if I’m going to fart. It’s probably best that men don’t know this though because it would probably take away some of the romance. You aren’t going to share this with men, right? ” Instead it now says “4th Whichever, as long as I am someone whose company I know that pukizhatok during sex without having to condemn it. Because otherwise the whole time filóznék when I pukizni. Probably better that the guys do not know that, because of the romanticism back a bit. Do you guys do not read it?”
Far be it from me to judge, but I think Google’s version is FAR more entertaining, don’t you? I like knowing I can legitimately tell the next guy I’m with to watch out as it’s highly likely I may filóznék’ whilst I ‘pukizni’…
Holy crap! Someone insulted me with that exact same word problem!
I cried for at least an hour which made me feel bad about myself for being so sensitive, so then I cried more. It’s just so carefully constructed… like a little brain-eating worm that destroys you piece by piece and before you know it, you’re comparing your site’s traffic logs to the exact time the comment was posted and tracking down the associated IP address and then typing it into a reverse IP address lookup service and you’re lucky that day, so get the person’s home address and then off you go to Google maps where you type in the address that you dredged out of the internet like the creepy sociopath you are and what’s this? Street view? Of course!
And guess what? That fucker lives in a shed. Fuck yeah.
We know bisexuality exists. We just use it as an excuse to end tedious dates. Kind of like a rescue ring.
I see that no one else has mentioned it, so I will:
Your daughter is amazingly adorable with all her imaginative innocence. I loved that video. 🙂
My husband’s grandmother calls it “the internets” too. She also refers to “the Wal-Marts” and those “generic” fruits you can buy at Whole Foods. We’re pretty sure she means “organic.” My favorite is when she calls me the names of my husband’s ex-girlfriends. I feel like a true member of the family 🙂
Here’s a comment hijack to keep people busy during the downtime:
I’ve searched (A LOT), but no luck and it’s kinda driving me crazy. A few years back there was an tv ad campaign where two of the ads that I can remember would crack me up every time I saw them. They were simulated painful experiences about what can happen if you don’t research and
call the right service. The funny from pain part is why I thought to ask here. 🙂
One was about an office coffee machine that started shooting out coffee cups hard – and taking out employees. The other was about calling the wrong company to wax the office foyer floor – which had people wiping out all the way to crashing through the glass front door.
Both ads would cut back to the foolhardy person who had cut corners and failed to research which companies were better – and may have been on the phone to fix the problem (I can’t remember for sure).
It was physical shock comedy (which is more commonplace in commercials now) from years ago – it’s groundbreakingness may be why I found it so funny.
I’d love it if the internets could help my crazy… puleeeeeezzzzeee? I’ve exhausted all variables known to man in search engines, thus far.
Jenny, you write like Arthur Conan Doyle. For realz. Want proof? Here: http://iwl.me/s/f2fcfd6c
It’s totally scientific, I promise. I used your post about the amazing Kristoffer Kristofferson because it’s the first thing I found with lots of text (not because I totally covet him and am going to steal him someday from the buyer.)
I will be waiting for your first detective novel to come out. It’ll be just like Sherlock Holmes (but better), only with no tobacco (because secondhand smoke is bad for Lady Bear, the protagonist’s second-in-command), and ten times more dead prostitutes (because that’s obviously become your trademark, Jenny, and continuity is important).
Oh, and you’re welcome.
Every time I click on one of those links the page loads in HUGE and makes my head feel way small. Kind of like that Lilly Tomlin in the giant chair….Fuck you are all probably too young to know what I am talking about.
“Get ready. It’s a long one.”
That’s what she said.
Okay, so I just used Google translator because the word “pudingocska” in combination with a sex article just sounded too kinky not to explore further… turns out, it’s two words meaning, essentially ‘old pudding’… which is kind of not sexy, but maybe that’s just me? It reminds me a bit of the old comic strip that my husband introduced me to (he’s British) called “The Perishers” in which there is a rather delapidated basset hound perpetually on the pursuit of males, human and non, who goes by the ignominious name of Tatty Oldbitt (the Sailors’ Friend): “an amorous female basset hound who likes to chase sailors – although just what she intends to do if she catches one is probably best left unexplored. She also chases Boot (male sheepdog) from time to time, but since he considers himself a lord she never gets very far with him …” borrowed from Wikipedia. Let’s all hope that we avoid falling into such a debauched state that we become known as either “old pudding” or “Tatty Oldbitt” … frankly, I’d rather be devoured by zombie kittens or whatever.
Oh they translated you to Hungarian ’cause not everyone speaks English here.
Girl-a-Whirl: “pudingocska” is one word. It literally means “little pudding”. What google translate meant would be “pudding” and “ócska” – please note the accent over the o – and then the word order would be “ócska pudding” written separately, and actually would mean “really bad pudding”. Google translate is a permanent fail when it comes to Hungarian. 🙂
Roland from Hungary. 🙂