Sorry about my extended absence. I did finally find myself. Turns out I was hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of screw-top wine all along. It was pretty obvious, really.
I’ve spent this week in West Texas with my parents and my sister and her kids and it was awesome except for the part when I was attacked. We were playing Catchphrase (a game where you have to get your partner to guess a word) and my sister was all “Okay, this is what’s on your ponies feet” and I’m all “Hooves” and she’s like “No. It’s what you put on the hooves” and I’m all “Hoof shoes” and she’s like “Seriously? Hoof shoes? I want a new partner” and then there was this crazy loud screaming in my ear and I thought I was having an aneurysm but turns out it was a bug that flew into my ear and so I started punching the side of my face to smoosh it but no one else saw the bug so they all just stared at me because they thought I was just screaming and punching myself in the head for no reason at all and Lisa was all “Dude. It’s just ‘horseshoes’. Let it go. It’s not worth it” and I’m all “THERE IS A BUG. IN. MY. EAR” and everyone in the house just kind of stared at me because apparently they don’t know how awful it is to have a bug screaming in your ear. Then my dad was all “Stand up and tilt your head up to the light” and I was all “Can you see it?” and he was like “Oh, I wasn’t looking. I just thought the bug would fly toward the light” because apparently he was confusing bugs with poltergeists and I was all “IT”S BURROWING INTO MY BRAIN” and so my mom poured some hydrogen peroxide into my ear to smother it and I was all “I bet this is what it feels like to be a tree” and she looked at me weird and I was all “I mean, having bugs randomly fly inside your holes and you can’t do anything about it while they kill you” she was all “It’s fine. There’s nothing in there” but then I reminded her about how my grandfather once had his ear cleaned at the doctors and they pulled out a fly that had been in there for 15 years and it was perfectly preserved in the ear wax and my mom was all “You actually believed that? Your grandfather is a consummate liar” and I was all “Really?” and she was like “Well…probably” and that’s when I decided it was probably time to go home.
Something flew into my eye once and no one could see anything. Thankfully no one poured peroxide in or I’d be blind today. I woke up the next morning and there was a dead fly on the front of my eyeball. You really don’t get over that sort of thing.
Holy shit, I thought someone had been attacked by scorpions.
It is the week for bugs in people’s ears. Mr. Lady had one too. Now my ears itch.
Since when have they not been called hoof shoes? This changes everything.
A bee flew up my Brother’s nose while he was driving. He looked like W.C. Fields for a week.
I’m certain the peroxide killed it.
…This is something I never want to happen to me…
Glad you’re back so we can all live vicariously through you!
Does your dad have any pithy advice for people who have a bug up their ass?
I’m not sure what’s more upsetting: having a bug in your ear, or finding out that Pop-Pop was a dirty liar.
“Hoof shoes” makes prefect sense to me and I don’t know why that is not an alternate name.
But yeah I have had bugs fly into my ears in the past and it is incredibly unpleasant. Especially the part where my neighbors stare at me like I’m insane while I flail around trying to get it out.
Isn’t that the name of a play or something A Flea in Her Ear? And you lived it. So obviously it’s a play based on your experience. You should get the royalities.
I had something similar happen a few months ago; before I could smother it in my ear canal via a long soaking shower, I could feel it buzzing it around my ear drum. If I think about it, I can STILL feel it buzzing around in my ear.
My father is a consummate liar. He made my sister believe that the Star Spangled Banner is about some guy named Jose needing to see the football game so he climbed to the top of the flap pole. Then everyone laughed at her when she repeated it–in HIGH SCHOOL.
“Jose, can you see?”
Apprently, your methods are not too far off from the Internet’s sage advice:
http://www.ehow.com/how_5173700_bug-out-ear.html
I went to the ER because I swore there was a bug in my ear, they barely looked and sent me home saying it never happens, I googled it and yes it does fucking lazy liars at the ER. It wasn’t a bug in my case it was something called flow back or some shit where you can hear your blood pulsing thru your ear prior to a TIA. in retrospect I wish it was a fucking bug. i would have told your sister my horse wears stilettos .
Don’t be dissing the screw top wine. It’s probably a step up from the boxed variety, which is sometimes my best friend. If you get a fancy-schmancy glass, no one can tell it came from a screw-top OR a box. IF you get a glass.
Sorry about the bug. I mean your ear. I’m glad the bug died.
I’m thirsty now, but at least your post didn’t make me hungry, so there’s that.
–>Please, please, please….even if it is tempting, DO NOT GO NEAR THE BUG ZAPPER!
Minneapolis has been stricken with Earwigs this summer. Did you know that’s just a clever name? They can’t really burrow into your ear and drink your brain juice, apparently.
Yeah, I don’t buy it either. (You’ll spot me at BlogHer as the chick with earmuffs on in August.)
This gave me a case of soul shuddering heebie jeebies.
Also? I didn’t know you could just go pouring stuff into your ears like that. I feel like I would only let a surgeon pour peroxide in my ear. I don’t know. The thought just scares me.
Glad you’re ok. Relatively speaking.
Yes, but did the bug tell you any secrets about life? Or was that your grandfather reincarnated and come to visit you?
I have had a bug fly into my ear. Thankfully it was just a common house fly, but they are as loud as trains when they’re in your head!!! When I was a kid I stuck a small dried pepper (I found it in some bird seed) in my ear. Now THAT was quite entertaining because it rattled and rolled around in there. It was kind of like having a tiny maraca stuck in your head. Eventually of course, it fell out, and I fed it to our parrot.
PS: I posted a recipe for Cherry Chocolate Chip Cookies on my blog today that I think you will exquisitely enjoy (o:
You are awesome, truly awesome.
Your family sounds awesome. I mean, flies in ears and dead cows on the ceiling. It’s wonderful, really.
See. That would never happen to me. And you know why? Hearing aids! I know you all ‘Dude, I love you , but I’m too young & cool for hearing aids.’ But consider that you will never again have an uninvited bug in your ear….but you will hear yourself chew. You decide.
Boo to the bug. Boo to horseshoes too.
LOVE Catchphrase. LOVE it. We always play mens vs womens and the womens always win. (The hubs is a little slow to giving out clues – that’s why we get him and good drunk and win.) The best is when someone gives a clue SO good that the entire crowd participates. An example would be (clue) “Ryan is one of these.” (everyone replies) “An asshole!” (The answer was “engineer”.)
I also love to see how each gender just “gets” something, understands it without hesitation. The best example of this is (clue) “Women do this.” (three men reply) “They bleed!” (The answer was… hell, I don’t remember because we all fell off our chairs in tears.)
Be thankful. Instead of tiny screaming, it could have been the soft, rapid flutter of cockroach wings. Then you’d really be dead.
Your medical chart will now have “bug in the ear” under “ingested eyelash glue”. I wish I could see your doctor’s face this time…
LEAVE TEXAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! How the hell to people survive there when the bugs are kamikaze and the scorpions are bigger than a human head?! No thank you, ma’am. No thank you.
How big are your ears anyway?
Man, you grandfather lied to you?
That’s some serious stuff right there.
I mean, I’m not a therapist. But I did once take an intro psych class in college. And I think we can all agree that’s pretty much the same thing.
And you’re gonna need to repress that before it makes you live in a box.
And not the kind with wine inside.
Just the empty ones that used to hold refrigerators.
Like you thought were a cool place to live when you were young and silly and being lied to by your grandfather.
Sorry, I somewhat circled back around there.
Clearly this repression is gonna be harder than I thought.
We call Catchphrase the “no throwing the disc at people’s faces or you are totally disqualified and have to sit out and eat jello salad while the rest of us take your partner to the ER” game.
I just hope you’re not digging out bug babies for the next 12 years. Those bugs are relentless and sneaky. 😐
Dreamy!
Was she really talking to you? I’ve gotten e-mails but I can imagine her angelic voice
Tell me the part again when Lisa talked to you
I cannot stop laughing at this. I’m sorry but that is some funny shit right there.
Just going to get some cottonwool BRB.
I love how your entire family just assumed that you were so upset about “hoof shoes” that you immediately flew into self-ass-kicking mode.
This is a nice glimpse of how your family would react in a REAL emergency. Not that brain-eating bugs isn’t a real emergency. I’m just saying, you know who you WON’T be inviting to your post-zombie apocalypse party because your family will have just been standing there while you were trying to warn them that zombies were about to eat their brains. Way to go, mom and dad.
I worked as a medical assistant for about 5 years. One of my jobs was irrigating peoples ears. Some of the shit I saw would scare a UFC fighter. Wax so compacted that it literally looked like watermelon seeds. Once, we had a patient come in that had a live japanesse beele stuck in the ear. Evidently it was trying to eat it’s way out. And not in a way the female patient would have enjoyed being eaten out. She was in tremedous pain. The doc fished it out with foreceps and the ear loop thingy. She had to be on antibiotics and pain drops afterwards.
I seem to have the opposite problem. Last time I was back in New Orleans I didn’t suffer a single mosquito puncture. I went home feeling unwanted. And fairly bland and tasteless. Shoulda had more Tony Chachere’s on that Mona Lisa Pizza, I guess.
Your last post about your daughter was funnier than this. You’ve crossed a line. Getting a bug in my ear is a phobia of mine. I sleep with the sheet over my ears so they can’t take over my head while I sleep. Really. In this day and age of political correctness, you really need to be more sensitive to people who might be so scared of your posts they shit themselves.
could have been worse… what if you were playing charades? might have taken a while for them to really believe there was a bug in your ear. I would have assumed it was all a clever ploy. cause im smart like that.
Wait, so the bug is still in there?
OK, I may have to rethink this whole hugging you at BlogHer idea. Because I’m not sure meeting you is worth being attacked by the bug that is obviously lying in wait in your ear. Or I guess we could hug, but you have to promise you’ll punch me in the head if your bug attacks me.
Had a friend who ate a fly once by accident. It landed on his pasta, and when people yelled at him about it, he didn’t believe and just BAM. Swallowed. It was no surprise to me when he later filmed himself in Cambodia, consuming an entire plate of cooked beetles.
My wife hurt herself laughing at this one. I wonder how many other innocents might have been injured in the same way. If those insidious little bugs find out about this they will be concentrating their attacks on you, Jen, because they will realize they can score multiple victims for the same price of being drowned in your ear with peroxide.
hahaha! that cracks me up!
Reading that made my ear go twitchy.
How do you stop things flying into your various orifices anyway? Last week when we were on holiday we were sharing a room with a fly. I was sleeping on top of the sheets because it was so hot, and I was really scared that fly was going to fly into my bumhole.
Yes, I was naked. Yes, My bum twitched a lot that holiday. No, I didn’t get much sleep.
Too much?
Bugs up the nose aren’t too much fun either.
My brother once had a wasp sting him in the mouth. It had landed on his sandwich when he was not looking. Sneaky bastard.
The worst part about being a tree is (something, something) photosynthesis! (*Slide Whistle, softshoes Stage Left*)
I swallowed an ant once. It was alive. And that little fucker felt like he was packing an arsinal of knives and picks and all sorts of climbing equipment waiting for that very moment when he would have to claw, stab and bite it’s way out of my throat. I was hacking and crying and screaming and my MOTHER FUCKING HUSBAND was all “it’s just an ant..” And thats when I killed him.
(I’ll let you decide who)
So did you really find yourself, or was it more of a “my family is so crazy that they are making looking for myself too difficult, so I’d better just go home and learn to love whoever the hell is inhabiting my body” kind of situation?
Just curious why “hydrogen peroxide” to smother the bug? Wouldn’t plain old water do the same thing, or does HP have here-to-fore unknown bug smothering powers? Maybe I should apply for a grant to study this.
Hoof shoes do so exist!
They’re black and shiny and make the horse’s feet look big and blocky. Just watch the Hillshire Farms CM with the pony and you’ll see for yourself!
What’s the matter with your sister anyways?
A tiny wasp flew into my ear and was biting me inside my ear so I did the most sensible thing I could at the moment: scream and flail around, and jab at my ear with whatever was in reach. And everyone was all like, move away from the crazy bitch people–run! and grabbing their kids and all. My BF got some people to grab me and hold me down while he took a bobby pin and scooped it out. It came out in pieces which he showed me and I threw up. My ear was trying to throw up for a week after that.
OK, I confess, I just made that up.
The part about my ear throwing up. Or trying to. The rest of it is true.
I’m such a baby.
Okay, I am really really sorry about the bug in your ear… but I seriously needed the laugh!! Your story about the Catchphrase game (which we play) was f’ing HILARIOUS!!! I just lost a good friend of mine unexpectedly and I was looking for something to lift me up….
Once again… thank you. You really do bring that much needed light into the dark.
Well, I suppose it could have been worse. You could have found yourself inside a bug’s ear.
One of my biggest fears IN LIFE is a bug flying into my ear…or a slug crawling in why I sleep. I’m terrifed of slugs. A lady I used to work with got a MOTH stuck in her ear and my hubs when he was a child said a spider crawled in his ear when he was small, laid and egg and at the doctor a bunch of little spiders came out.
But sometimes he lies to me because he thinks it’s funny.
I’m going to start wearing fur earmuffs at all times. Thanks for that. It’s only a majillion degrees here.
Baipd Vlonde
don’t you mean she? Ants (all of em) are females. Males are only produced when a colony is going to branch or split, or the queen bets an itch
AHHHH THAT IS ONE OF MY FEARS. Have you seen that movie Brokedown Palace? And Claire Danes or whoever’s character gets a COCKROACH IN HER EARRRR and it makes her go all crazy because it burrows in her brain or her ear drum or something.
AND THAT is what you get for being tricked into trafficking drugs in Nepal or wherever they were (clearly, I paid a lot of attention and have not seen this movie in the last 8 years), or in your case, trying to have fun with your family in West Texas.
Playing Catch Phrase with your family in West Texas = Trafficking Drugs (whether voluntary or accidental) in Nepal*
I also enjoy how you West Texas needs to be specified in such a particular way. Not, “I was visiting my family out of town,” but in WEST TEXAS, it makes it sound like the scene of a horro film. Or was that Texas Chainsaw Messacre and that’s why I’m thinking of horror films when you say WEST TEXAS.
I feel like I should stop commenting now before you block me for randomness.
It’s lunch time, I want some Chick Fil A.
Give me comment of the day or I will die.
*Or wherever they were, as previously established.
My friend told me about the time that she got some sort of bug lodged in her ear canal and nobody believed her for days & finally her mother took her to the doctor & sure enough, there was a bug in there.
I am, therefore, TERRIFIED of anything that flies too close to my ears and will scream bloody murder if I think they might have gotten in there.
My son stuffed part of a crescent roll in his ear once and we had to go to the ER to have it extracted because he wouldn’t let me just use tweezers (which is what the doctor did anyway). It was gross but at least it wasn’t making noise in there. That would just be weird. Hope you aren’t deaf from the peroxide.
♥Spot
Eww..but imagine what a photo of a bug encased in ear wax would look like…oh wait, double eww…
An old friend of mine once told me a story that happened to him. He was camping with his family, they were roasting marshmallows. His brother’s marshmallow starts on fire so he starts waving it in the air to put the fire out but instead the marshmallow flies off the stick and straight into, you guessed it, my friend’s ear.
The screw-top wine is scarier than the bug.
Ooo! It’s like clue. I’m guessing ‘crying in the closet with a bottle of vodka’!! There’s no way it’s ‘hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of screw-top wine.’ I win.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/58794/night-gallery-the-caterpillarlittle-girl-lost This is an episode that Stephen King has described as `one of the most frightening ever telecast on TV.’ But, you know, since you & zombies are BFFs, I figure you’ll be ok.
Bugs fly into my face all the time when I run. Sometimes I feel like a bumper on a car with all the bug carcasses I can collect during a run.
My 23 year-old brother had to go to the hospital last week because he got half a pen cap stuck in his ear. My parents still like him better even though I haven’t stuck a grape up my nose in like YEARS. So unfair.
My cousin once had a moth fly in his ear and we had to drive to the hospital for them to get it out and he was crying the whole way because the damn thing kept moving and it was awful. I totally believe you Jenny. That’s why we should be BFF from now on.
Yikes! So sorry, but as always, the way you tell the story, it is hilarious!
You should have corrected her, she obviously meant “Well… problemly”.
Dude… I had a anuerysm right in front of my ear once and that little bitch didn’t talk to me at all.
Also @emmysuh…. while Texas is a ‘whole nother country’ west Texas is a whole nother PLANET.
Holy wow!! How were you even having conversations with people with a bug making a home in your ear! I would have just be flipping out and convinced it was laying eggs in my ear.
I might need help.
One thing you quickly learn when riding a motorcycle without a helmet is to NEVER go fast and turn your head to look to the side. Especially at night in the summer. Or during love bug season. Oh, and apparently you are not supposed to breathe through your mouth when riding a motorcycle, either. Did you know that love bugs taste really bad?
Hmm. Bug in the ear. In Texas. This could explain Louie Gohmert.
In non-bug related news, I thought of you when I read this story beause of your giant squid issues. It’s not actually squid related, so you can go ahead and click. Things like this don’t happen here in NH when the universe is happy. I think it just might be a harbinger of the apocalypse.
http://www.wmur.com/news/24353560/detail.html
I should really have learned by now not to read your blog in public places… Laughing hysterically in the silent student lounge right now…
See, I always get terrified when I hear bugs fly past my ears because inevitably it’s a sign that they are going to fly directly into my eyes. I’m not sure when it was that I offended the entire insect population, but I am regularly plagued by kamakazi bugs that always go for my eyes. When I got glasses at 16 I thought this would help the situation, but you know what? It just makes it harder for my hand to get to my eye!
yeah, that happened to me at disney world. it was flapping its WINGS in my head and my head was spasming uncontrollably . . . it flew out though. I watched it buzz off.
must have been a depressed bug with a suicide wish. That’s how they kill themselves now a’ days. Or maybe that’s how I would kill myself if I were a bug. whatever…
…So there’s gonna be a post on how your grandfather accidentally fossilized a fly, right? Because that sounds crazy interesting. I’m sold.
I took my ex-husband to the emergency room because a bug flew in his ear. That could be a first-class metaphor for our marriage if I could untangle it.
So, I was like reading this post and laughing out loud so hard my 14 yr old was all like, “mom, are you ok?” and I was like, “dude, I’m reading this blog post and it’s the funniest damned thing I’ve ever read” and then he was like, “k, well, it’s kinda weird” and I was all, “shut up, it’s funny!” then he was like, “whatever, this is boring now”.
How can we be sure that this post is you? You know, the pre-bug you…perhaps the bug has now taken control and is writing this. I will be on the lookout for your next post being all: “bugs are awesome ya’ll! Ya’ll should all get one!” then I’ll know you’re dead and a bug is now in charge.
If you would just move to Colorado, you would leave behind most of your scorpion/insect problems. Don’t Texans own a fair part of Colorado anyway? You would fit right in. And then we could have lunch, outside, with no bugs
Are you walking around with ear plugs in now? I can think of a lot of problems that would solve in my own life.
Was reading this post just as the livebutterflygarden commercial came on again for the 50,489th time today and thought ‘wow, kismet…’ and then thought ‘wow, for a single 31 yr old male I watch a lot of disney channel’ but that’s their fault, I mean Phineas and Ferb are the best ever right…
Hoof shoes!! LOL – its shit like this that makes me glad I’m an only child.
A tree because bugs are always flying into your holes and a tree because dogs are always peeing on you.
Glad to have you back.
WHEW! Seriously, Jenny, I was just saying at lunch that you hadn’t blogged in a couple of days and I was getting worried about you. What kind of crazy ass spell do you have over your minions that makes us all feel like we really know you and care about you? Whatever it is, it’s working. Hugs from the superior part of Texas.
Well, this is kinda related, but not really. Since YOU started a conversation about foreign objects in body orifices, I figure you or one of your gentle readers might know whether the proper usage is having a wild hare up your ass or having a wild hair up your ass. One seems much more likely than the other and much less disturbing, but US idioms being what they are, one never knows.
The peroxide must have done the trick if you don’t hear the screaming bug any more. I hope you tilted your head to the light after he/she/it croaked so it could go into the light and bug heaven and see all of its 37,876,475,987,184,029,863,992,118,246 relatives.
I was eating when I read the post and the first few comments. Gagged a little.
I was laying on the floor at an aunt’s house once and my ear felt weird and a little later either a roach or waterbug climbed out. I barely went to visit after that and def didn’t lay on the floor again. And some people use peroxide to clean the wax out of their ears. It’s in some of the over the counter ear wax removers, so your hearing should be fine as long as it wasn’t extra strong.
AHHHH. This also happened to the boy that lives under my bed. It was a junebug and he had to go to the ER because after he poured in liquid to kill it, it was definitely still inside his head. Junebugs are big.
But then what happens once the hydrogen peroxide poured in your ear kills the bug? What’s worse, a live bug in your ear, that might eventually fly out, or a dead one??? Didn’t the idea of having a dead bug in your ear creep you out substantially? It would me!
And speaking of lying relatives, my dad once told me when I was 8 that if I pulled up the emergency brake while he was driving, the car would blow up. It wasn’t until I was 19 that I realized it was a lie. True story!
I highly recommend the catchphrase scene (well, the whole movie, actually. plus all the deleted scenes) in the movie Pirate Radio.
Yup yup.
Bug or no bug.
btw, seems like the chances of a bug hitting your earhole are pretty slim. like lottery-winning slim. do they have a lottery in TX? Might by a ticket. Maybe its your lucky week!
I have no comment.
Well…except that maybe a few bugs should coincidentally crawl into some of those relatives ears. You could just wave a bottle of wine toward them and say “Strawberry Hill, I don’t believe you!” and giggle and act like they were busted playing a joke on you. I mean, also maybe they’ll pull a Khan and the bugs will totally force them to start telling you anything you want to ask them truthfully. This could really clear the air. I would definitely consider it.
-T
When my boyfriend was about 8, ants crawled into his ear while he was camping and ate half his eardrum. Now he’s phobic about ants, of which we have gazillions in Cali.
Too bad your Grandfather didn’t have a ton of insects perfectly encased in ear wax…you could have started your own Jurassic park!
100% true: My father had a coworker who thought he was losing his hearing. When the doctor looked in his ear to check it out, he saw something. Something that turned out to be a bumblebee. Not a sweat bee, not a honey bee, a full-fledged yellow and black fuzzy sucker dead in the man’s ear and he never even knew it was there. Thus your freak out = totally legitimate.
I was out of my mind on mushrooms once and hanging out on the train tracks. As a train came I jumped into the bushes to avert disaster and later discovered, much to my dismay, that when I jumped into the bush I somehow managed to lodge a bee inside of my ear. It was unknown to me until the warmth of my apartment apparently re-animated the aforementioned hibernating bee and THAT is the precise moment that my psyche was forever sheared in half. I hope you can recover for I fear I will never be the same.
Bugs, foxes, scorpions, zombies – You’re like a magnet for critters. I think it’s a force field of some kind.
By the way – Have you seen the new Katherine Hepburn stamps? Every time I see one on an envelope, I think it’s your picture (it looks just like your photo header photo!). You should be on a stamp. Without bugs.
If I had a nickel for every time a bug flew into my ear, specifically on Mother’s Day while riding my motorcycle and then interrupting a lovely stranger’s Mother’s Day feast by running INTO THEIR HOUSE trying to pull said bug out of my ear I’d have, like, a nickel.
That’s really more than I wanted, to be honest with you.
Holy crap. Again. It’s like even when nothing’s happening, something’s happening.
It reminds me of the time a bug flew down my throat, and I ended up coughing and horking and gagging like the dog does all the time, and I could feel the bug flying around INSIDE me, but it wouldn’t come out, and then I started getting all crazy, imagining the bug laying its eggs inside me, and then all these baby bugs would come flying out of my orifices.
Or not.
Your hilarious. I totally get you! Now how do I become famous like you?
Bugs are rude like that. I’m not sure what’s worse. A bug flying in to your ear or your mouth. I’ve had them fly in my mouth before and nasty doesn’t even began to cover it.
So, finally, that sound in your head WAS a mosquito (or at least a bug) buzzing! Congrats!
~EdT.
For a week now, my two year old has been complaining about the bug that flew in his ear. He sometimes says it kissed his ear. Should I take him to a pediatrician or a counselor?
I believe your grandfather.
I just laughed so freakin’ hard. I could just imaging the whole scene… brilliant!
That is TOO funny! I got attacked once by gnats while on a night hike…I started flailing about in panic and my husband watched me like I was out of my mind. So I know the feeling. Bugs are gross. Especially when they are in your face.
hahahaha – back in the day my father would have smoked it out… with the exhalation of his marlboro red. because that is safe. and normal.
thank god it wasn’t a bee cuz we’ve all had enough of those damn vuvuzela horns.
I will now be duct taping my ears shut. Especially during Catchphrase events.
when bugs fly/crawl/land anywhere near me i flail my arms like an absolute madwoman and scream like a castrato. it is for this reason that an evite to a butterfly garden is always answered with a firm “maybe”. which means i don’t have to say yes or no, but it’s okay when i don’t show up. can you imagine the look on people’s faces while i’m screaming and crushing monarchs left and right? not good.
I heard a story about a guy that had a cockroach crawl in his ear and the pain he went through scared the hell out of me. I am seriously afraid of it happening to me.
Really very funny! Love the hoof shoes. I saw a show on TV about “real medical emergency’s”, and one of them was a lady that had a bug in her ear. She didn’t handle it nearly as cool as you though. Good job!
Whatever you do, DO NOT READ THE COMMENT #37 BY ED ADAMS. Thought I would eat my lunch while perusing these jolly comments, but now – not so much. Thanks Ed.
oy, bugs. I’ve had a fly get in my ear once and the buzzing was truly enough to make me insane if it went on for much longer. I stuck a Q-tip in just to kill it, stabbing it like a plunger until pieces of the fly came out. I was just thrilled it was dead although I shivered for like an hour straight and then on an off when I thought about it for like a month.
You’re too young to remember this but they had an episode of Night Gallery in the 70’s about an earwig getting in someone’s ear and well…ya know. It freaked me out so bad that I literally still can’t stand any bug, ANY BUG. Not ants or lady bugs or anything, and they just get grosser as they get bigger. We get silverfish every year and besides cockroaches, they are one of the most disgusting bug, like a slimy shimmying abnormal thing made of dust. AHHHHH
Kyknoord – I’ve now got iced tea up my nose from snorting while reading your reply!!
Holy shit, I just read the comment 63…THAT’S THE FREAKIN EPISODE THAT RUINED MY LIFE! Well, not ruined it but made it very uncomfortable. DON’T WATCH IT!
I just found your blog from Diary of a Mad Woman and I laughed. so. hard. My husband thought I was crazy!
I’m sure having a bug in your ear was terrifying, but thank you for sharing.
I LOVE Catchphrase. Next time I want to be your partner – though be warned, I’m not very good. Especially after a glass of wine or three…..
Yeah, and thanks. I now have a new fear. Yes, that will be me walking around with cotton stuffed in my ears to keep the bugs out.
My mother-in-law always tells the story of a little boy who stuck a bean up his nose and a few days later it sprouted and the parents noticed his face was all swollen so they went to the ER and the doctor pulled out a sprouted bean plant…
I know this has nothing to do with a bug in your ear, but I thought maybe we should hook her up with your grandpa…
I had a fly preserved in snot once. Not on purpose or anything, I had a cold and tend to snore and inhale whatever’s nearby. It didn’t withstand the blowing though…
That right there, you know, a bug flying into my ear, is like one of my top ten fears in life. Mainly because I read this story about a guy who got a lady bug stuck in his ear, and it was there for a couple weeks until he went to the doctor and they were like..”Holy cracker jack sonny jim! you have a lady bug in your ear”
And this is why I sleep with a pillow over my head. *sigh*
lololol oh no. i hope the bug died!
You were gone?
Hah… I crack myself up. If I was half as funny as you were twice. Umm… Once? Wait…
If you were twice as funny as I was… Oh wait. You kinda are.
If I was. Oh fuck it. I’m gonna go make dinner. Liquid dinner. With extra booze!
Duuude. Seriously ew. I heard a news story some time ago about a cockroach being removed from someone’s ear (wait or was it that movie brokedownpalace where the girl was in a yuky prison and went crazy and they found the huge roach?) Anyway, I’m a MAJOR PHOBE re orifices and vulnerable body parts, especially in unfamiliar environments, etc. So sometimes I’m going to sleep all mummified-especially around my head(you know, since the bugs, spiders, etc cannot penetrate the orifices through the covers.or helmet
Sometimes I wish that I didn’t relate to you so much. But only sometimes.
I want you to know that this is really traumatizing to me. Yes, me. I have been having nightmares about bugs all week and now will probably dream about one in my ear, embedded in 15 year old wax, or on a horse’s hooves. I better start drinking.
Reminds me of a story I read in the New Orleans newspaper many years ago. A woman checked into the free Hospital with a roach lodged in each ear. They removed the first by pouring something into the ear, alcohol, I think. Then they decided to experiment and compare techniques by attempting to remove the second with a tweezers. The roach burrowed in further and was eventually removed in pieces. So why ya gonna try something new when the first technique worked so well is what I wandered. Never going to that damned hospital. Never gonna visit that woman’s house either.
I don’t usually need an excuse to drink, but worrying about a bug flying into my ear is a good one. Now I’m totally creeped out. Fortunately, we have a wine cellar. Okay, not exactly a cellar, it’s just the space under the stairs with shelves. But telling people I’m going under the stairs to get some wine isn’t nearly so impressive.
Damn, that’s eerie.
So, when I go to sleep at night, I make sure my hair is covering the ear that’s facing up so bugs won’t crawl in at night. I wonder if this is something for which I should be seeking some kind of therapy?
I had a bug fly into my ear yesterday morning it woke me up at 6:30, it made a funny sound I tried to get it out . I heard it again then nothing, I don’t know if it came out. So I googled it any tried pouring alcohol in my ear then warm water. nothing came out so now I don’t know if there is a dead bug in my ear or not. I’ve had 3 people look in my ear but no one see anything. today i tried peroxide because it’s good for removing wax so I figured if it’s there it should come out nothing. My ear hurts every once in a while I think it because it super super clean. I think I’ll go to the dr just in case.
Oh, you are definitely back. We all missed you and your crazy self. Don’t go away again for awhile. We missed you and were starting to feel bad about OUR lives. You make us all feel normal. So thank you. And welcome back.
OMG! you just gave the willies and the giggles at the same time! You are awesome!
Once, I was walking down Gold Coast and a bug flew into my mouth. I swallowed in on reflex.
Not the most momentous thing in my life, but I feel like the story called for another bug-encounter story.
Moths attack me. Seriously. The cretins fly into my eyeballs for no reason at all. I flail. My husband, who never believed me, actually watched it happen last week and while I was flailing and he was laughing and trying to say….you were right. No shit.
This happened to me once too! ONLY replace bug with mother-fucking tarantula!
Ok so thats an exaggeration… It was more like a huntsman. (Do you have huntsman in the USA?) anyway… they’re fugly mofos anyway. Man i hate them… they’re like God decided that the best way to fuck with me was to put the most homeless looking spider on this planet to taunt me when he’s bored. But thats beside the point.. what issues I have with God are mine. Anyways… I was drifting off to sleep and am all like “bring on the dreams” then what happens? A FUCKING MOFO FUGLY ASS HUNTSMAN LANDS ON MY FACE! I was all “huh?” then opened my eyes and I SEE ITS ABDOMEN! I screamed louder than a school girl.
I refuse to sleep in that room from now on.
Ok.. thats not true.. But I REFUSED to sleep in it that night. Afterwards though, I learned that in my attempts to wrestle the beast… I smooshed it. Safe to say… I was the house hero. In my head.
OK…first of all THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! For some strange reason three times in the last week and a half I have tried to enjoy a nice bath with a book and glass of wine but I couldn’t because there was a FUCKING fly in the bathroom and it kept kamikaze dive bombing my head and attempting to fly into my EAR HOLE. Yes…I said “ear hole”. I would come out all cranky and unrelaxed from my non-enjoyable bathing experience and when I tried to explain to my husband THREE TIMES that a fly was trying to buzz into my ear hole…he was totally not focused on my plight but more so on the fact that I had used the term “ear hole”. I mean come on, seriously? I’m trying to tell you about a horrible experience and you’re more focused on my choice of anatomical terms? Obviously, you understand the “ear hole” term. You didn’t exactly put it together like that…but you relating yourself to a tree totally validates me
Secondly… I will now read this post to my husband (so I can successfully win the argument).
Thirdly…so sorry for your fly-in-the-ear-hole saga…hope all is well.
Oh you make me laugh so.
That is all.
What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall at your family gatherings. I wouldn’t scream in your ear though.
Bugs. I hate them! Especially spiders. One crawled into my panties recently and bit me in the ass! Yeah, I get the creepies just thinking about it.
Now I’m flashing back to an american summer where a fly flew into my ear and took TWO DAYS to die. It was godawful.
You’re back! I’m so ridiculously happy about that.
I mean, it’s great that you’re finding yourself and spending time with family and providing homes for insects but it’s really much more fun for me when crazy things are happening to you and you tell us in your lovely, slightly manic, way.
…That’s actually a bit fucked up now that I think about it. I essentially want your life to stay hectic for my entertainment. I think it may be illegal to feel this way.
Um…Sorry?
I’m so sorry to laugh at your misfortune. You do that to me. Heh.
I hope your ear is okay, and that your family didn’t pummel you too hard for “hoofshoes”…a term I happen to believe should be the name for them. Makes sense to me.
But then again, where have I been for the past year?
Look at the bright side…she could have used clear nail polish (tick remedy, just not for the ear). Very funny post. Almost did the coffee through the nose thing. Oye.
This is exactly the kind of blog I love. Life-threatening insects. No politics.
You don’t really feel like a tree until a woodpecker grips your earlobe and starts boring into your ear canal for the prize.
I have an ear issue…I have to check my families ears on an almost weekly basis…I have an otoscope (yeah, that thing they use at the doctor’s to look in your ears), and the currettes (the loops they use to pull crap out of your ears) and I clean my husband AND my kids ears all the time. Why? Just to make sure there aren’t bugs or spiders or any other gross things in there. Putting peroxide in there is perfectly safe..it will loosen up harden ear wax and help it come out. They sell stuff called Debrox that is for your ears made of peroxide. I am an ear freak. And also married to a medical professional so it’s OK. Sorta. Jenny, I would have whipped out my otoscope and yanked that bug outta your ear before you even knew I’d done it. Yeah. I’m that good.
You see, this is just proof that you and I are interconnected in some sort of cosmic swirl. Just the other day I had a mouse jump on my head, which is almost close to a bug in your ear, just a little North. I mean it was trying to kill me obviously. Fucking ninja mouse.
And THIS is why I cover my head with a sheet before bed each night!
My husband came to me one day and said “Look in my ear.” If your husband ever comes to you and says “Look in my ear” and doesn’t precede the comment with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, heed my advice and DO NOT LOOK IN HIS EAR. Your romantic association with his ears is at stake. Trust me.
You need to get out of there… to another state. The wildlife there must really have something against you.
In a crazy game of Mud Volleyball in college, I ended up with an infected ear of mud. I visited the doctor where he used a syringe filled with room temp water to “squish’ it out. BUT…he didnt realize that the water had cooled and therefore thrown off my equilibrium. What does that do you ask? Makes you nauceious. He figured out his mistake and brought out the CROCHET HOOK OF DOME. Well….it wasn’t really that bad.
But still…my advice…don’t get things in your ears.
Hoof Shoes…I think you have the name for a new yuppie game. You should patent it. On another note, as a child of North Texas, with most of my kin out by Abeline, I feel your pain. The bug was probably looking for some Hz0, correctamundo?
Bottoms Up!
I too am headed back to visit my parents in West Texas (setting of my writing!) and thanks to your caveat I plan to wear earmuffs the whole time. Big bugs there.
Bugs suck. I got eaten alive the other day watering my garden… seriously I have a bug bite on my ass – somehow that little bastard flew up my shorts and bit me.
My Grampa always claimed his aunt died from having a beetle in her brain. I think he may have been a consumate liar also.
@ Elly Lou: That’s what we call “cribbage” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Also I am going camping this weekend, and now I am bringing a beanie to cover my ears when I sleep…
Hoof Shoes was totally right
When we were in vacation in Hawaii, my 9 month old son was crawling about in the sand. So this totally hot local standing-paddling-boarder (see I’m also really bad at Catchphrase) runs up and tells me to be careful of centipedes. Apparently they crawl into babies’ ears and live there for like, ever. How freaky is that? Its like Alien on steroids or something. And I didn’t even get the hot local’s name because I was so busy holding my baby’s ears to the sun. See, your dad and I are telepathically connected. And by the time that was finished, the hot local was gone. So I am a good mom after all. I put my son’s welfare before hotness. Take that Dr Sears (or whoever the latest money making demon of parenting books is these days).
I’ve heard from an actual doctor that the most terrible pain you can ever have is a bug burrowing into your ear and then beating on your ear drum. He said the sounds of the bug eating at your eardrum is like standing in the middle of a 747 engine. Plus, there’s that whole part about knowing a bug is mere centimeters from getting into your brain, which is sort of upsetting.
So…. good luck with that.
Oh, BTW… did you get the photos of the taxidermied party squirrels I saw in Alaska last week and sent you on Twitter? I saw them and was all, “oh that’s so sad! I can’t imagine anyone actually buying these and enjoying them”. And then I was like “Oh, Jenny will love these!” My in-laws thought I was crazy…. er.
This totally happened to me when I was a teenager. It took a long time for the bug in my ear to drown. When I hear about people who hear voices, I remember that internal buzzing in my ear, driving me C R A Z Y.
Did you ever see the bug come out? Or did it just drown and stay inside? Creepy thought.
Wow, I already have a phobia of bugs
This just made that a 100x’s worse…
My dad once had a bug fly in his ear. My mom got the dustbuster and tried to suck it out while he lay on the floor screaming…much to my father’s dismay the dust buster did not work. He said it was like an elephant was dancing on his brain. It finally made its way out and it turned out to be a gnat. We promptly killed it.
Oh my God, this is the first post of yours that I wish I never ever read because all of a sudden I’m SERIOUSLY terrified. I think I’ll have to glue my ears shut.
OMG! Once I had a bug fly right into my eye while taking a water break in between UIL Journalism writing competitions. I smashed it and it peed or something and burned my eye. I ended up having to flush my eye with water from the water fountain and I had to hurry back to the next competition with this RED eye. AND my cousin learned how to melt a candle into your ear and pull out all the wax and crap in there and she said that she has seen dead bugs come out of there! SO your grandpa probably didn’t lie. Good to read you again! You never disappoint.
What? Im sorry I couldnt hear you for the buzzing sound in my left ear.
Totally funny,
Yikes. I was running and laughing once and I swallowed a butterfly. Just sucked it in and horked it down, totally by accident. I felt terrible about it but my dad said it was good protein. Dad usually sees the positive side of things like that.
Now I feel compelled to sleep with ear muffs on. Only I don’t have any ear muffs. So I am trying to get my cat to wrap itself around my head, covering both of my ears. So far, it’s not working.
First – can you guys adopt me? Maybe just for the catchphrase games?
Second – I have to tell you that my great grandfather died from bugs in the ears (or was it nose?). The story goes like this: He’d sleep on the porch of their farmhouse at night and apparently flies or some other nasty went in to one of his head cavities and laid a bunch of eggs. They ate his brain. The end.
I use this story with my kids when they want to go camping so they think I am trying to keep them safe and don’t realize that I just really hate camping.
Here in the Bronx, sometimes cockroaches crawl in people’s ears. Apparently there isn’t enough room to turn around in an ear canal so they get panicky or whatever cockroaches get and they bite. When kids come in with a stuck roach we first try filling the ear canal with oil to try to float it out. If it doesn’t work we have to use a special forceps (called an alligator, it’s really cool) to pull it out. Sometimes it’s really hard with the kid thrashing around cause the bug hurts them and they’re usually afraid of doctors too so that’s lots of fun. And of course you have to pull it out really carefully because if it breaks you have to go back in to pull the head out.
I heard in Florida the cockroaches fly, which is shit-scary, but at least they can’t get stuck in your ear.
Hey I bet I could work for the tourism board or whatever for Florida. “come visit, our roaches can’t fit in your ear!”
When I was little I was obsessed with peas. So much so that I would eat them cold right out of the can. Imagine my delight when I found out that the bush at the back of our yard was a peaball bush (“peaballs” that’s what I called them). Except my parents kept lying to me and telling me that it *wasn’t* a peaball bush and I should stay away. Well, I knew they were damn dirty liars and they just wanted all the peaballs for themselves. So one day, I snuck (snicked? snackered?) down that end of the yard and started furiously putting the peaballs into my ears to save for later. Apparently I put too many in there, because my dad saw them sticking out of my ear and dug them all out raving like a lunatic about “holly berries” and “poison”. I know he was just mad I broke through the peaball defenses and had gotten into his stash.
For some reason now I hate all peaballs and peaball related accessories. And holly trees. The bastards.
I absolutely love your writing style. It’s so conversational. I’ve never had a bug in my ear but a friend of mine did once. She came to school with it floating around in alcohol after having it removed at the hospital. Gross!
Hydrogen Peroxide would definitely not have been my first choice in the ear, but hey, to each his own 🙂
Dude. Seriously. FOR REALS.
I read Moooooog35’s story that he mentioned in comment # 98 and it was hifuckinglarious!
Oh Jenny, thank you for this. I just laughed until I cried and my cat looked at me like I was disturbing her. And like she thinks I’ve spent too much time on the Internet and I should pay attention to her now. I really appreciate the laugh tonight though.
I hope the bug hasn’t scarred you for life. I was chased by an angry bee this weekend and my mother had to whack me with a fly swatter as I dropped to one knee to cover my face so I wouldn’t get stung in the eye or have it fly into my ear. Unfortunate that it decided to attack me as I was carrying my grandmother’s box of silverware as well, which I kind of had to toss at my sister while I was doing Matrix-esque moves to avoid the bee flying into my nostrils or getting tangled in my hair. After it was mangled to death, I could swear that the bee’s ghost was following me, because I kept hearing the buzzing… And we provided fantastic entertainment for the entire neighbourhood, I’m sure. You’re welcome, small country village. Never let it be said that interpretive bee-avoidance dancing was not provided to you, free of charge and completely spontaneously, if not completely choreographed.
Would be interesting to see the sales numbers for ear plugs after the publication of this post. Just sayin’
Glad you found yourself. I’ve got to say though even when you don’t think you are yourself, and it is more than likely that’s still you, a variation of you, you are just as lovely as ever.
Haha bugs can make life so funny at times!….crazy how that works
I ran into a cloud of gnats when I was riding my bike one day and got what felt like a couple hundred of them in my eyes. Later that night I was blowing my nose and they kept coming out.
(Cool story bro!)
its okay to be lost as long as you have alcohol in your hand when your found. at least thats what I tell myself when I find myself with a giant pitcher of beer margaritas.
My boss just told me to shut the fuck up, stop laughing and get back to work. I really need to stop reading your blog while I’m working. If I get fired can I come live with you? I’ll take the black mold room, it’s cool. Is it okay if I bring my three full size Edwards too?
OMG- SO Funny!!
I woke up last night suddenly to a crawling sensation in my left ear. The noise was driving me crazy…I knew it was a bug & I was screaming for my husband to get it out. He drove me to the er where tthey looked in my ear & told me it was a roach..then I freaked out even more. They tried to flush it out with peroxide & mineral oil but it wouldn’t come out. They told me it had latched on to my ear drum & was going to send me home. They said it would die & I could go to my regular doctor to get it out. Well no way was I spending Thanksgiving with a roach in my ear. I drove an hour to the next hospital. They filled my ear with lidocaine to try and kill it…which that worked but let’s just say the roach didn’t like it to well & scratched my ear all up. The second er doc looked in my ear & said there was no way that they could get it out cause it had gone to deep and was latched on to my ear drum….it was morning by this time so they sent me over to the ENT docs office & called him up to remove it cause by this time I had gone crazy and was in a fetal position rocking myself. Anyhow the ENT looked in my ear & seen the roach….gets this vacuum thingy out and sucks the roach up out of my ear. I wasn’t convenced he got it all out so he irrigated my ear & out came a roach leg….which I almost vomited at this point but held back because he had brought his two kids in with him…being Thanksgiving and all….they was playing at my feet & I’m sure they didn’t want me vomiting on the. Anyhow….he assured me once more that he got it all…even checked my other ear just incase I had mutiples :/. We thanked the ENT for coming in on Thanksgiving & drove home. I’m traumatized & scarred for life. Now looking up other cases of this online….sitting and wondering if maybe it laid babies in my ear…..or maybe there was more than one bug….or maybe he didn’t get it all. It does feel as if something else is still in there but everyone keeps telling me its all in my head :/ I will never sleep again. P.S. I do not have roaches…I am not a dirty person….I don’t know where the roach came from but I will be having my house profusely sprayed & wearing ear muffs to bed the rest of my life. Yup….I’m going back to my fetal position now to rock myself to sleep while my husband fixes Thanksgiving dinner. I for one have lost my appetite :/
You should have stood still and listened to what the bug was trying to tell you. Ear canals are not very attractive places, so the bug clearly had something important to say. Unless you have outrageously beautiful ears. Which sounds perfectly legitimate.
Hello Comment 136.
I too have suffered irreparable damage at the eight legs of the huntsman.
Waking up in a state of sheer panic with a giant huntsman on your face like the creature in Alien does indeed damage one immensely.
Growing up in the bush, the buggers out there have *weight* to them. At night you could hear them cross the tiled floor. All eight *freaking* legs of them. Sweet dreams. Good fucking luck.
Screaming like a wild banshee on acid while spraying them with Mortein until they are white (usually one – two cans per spider) is my standard response.
There’s a devise to see in your own ears called an OstiumScope. Google it.
I just cleaned my ears as I was having triuble hearing. I thought it was a normal wax build up. I use hydrogen proxide and insert it with a squeegee. I let it cook a while and rinse. No wax came out and tried again. When rinsing out a second time, a big chuck of something came out. I thought it was paper but a dead mouth like bug. I pinned it on a paper plate and had wings about 1/2 inch in length, 1/4 inch wide. I never felt a thing but was having trouble hearing. I wish I could post a picture but really. This is the honest -to-Gods truth. I never felt it at all! I don’t know if I should see a doctor because of bacteria getting its way into the middle ear and have balance problems.
I’ve had something in my ear for almost 6 months now and I can’t get the doctors to believe me cause they can’t see it , fact is its burrowed itself inside me ear , theres a hole it burrowed out and the doctors think I did I so now I’m living with this thing in my ear . Alcohol, peroxide or a boric acid alcohol mix won’t kill , I have no clue what it is but I think it’s a catterpillernof some sort
No its true I’ve got something in my ear and it sucks , insane yes , am I insane , hell no , do I like this thing in my ear , hell no . I need help getting it out