Sorry about my extended absence. I did finally find myself. Turns out I was hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of screw-top wine all along. It was pretty obvious, really.
I’ve spent this week in West Texas with my parents and my sister and her kids and it was awesome except for the part when I was attacked. We were playing Catchphrase (a game where you have to get your partner to guess a word) and my sister was all “Okay, this is what’s on your ponies feet” and I’m all “Hooves” and she’s like “No. It’s what you put on the hooves” and I’m all “Hoof shoes” and she’s like “Seriously? Hoof shoes? I want a new partner” and then there was this crazy loud screaming in my ear and I thought I was having an aneurysm but turns out it was a bug that flew into my ear and so I started punching the side of my face to smoosh it but no one else saw the bug so they all just stared at me because they thought I was just screaming and punching myself in the head for no reason at all and Lisa was all “Dude. It’s just ‘horseshoes’. Let it go. It’s not worth it” and I’m all “THERE IS A BUG. IN. MY. EAR” and everyone in the house just kind of stared at me because apparently they don’t know how awful it is to have a bug screaming in your ear. Then my dad was all “Stand up and tilt your head up to the light” and I was all “Can you see it?” and he was like “Oh, I wasn’t looking. I just thought the bug would fly toward the light” because apparently he was confusing bugs with poltergeists and I was all “IT”S BURROWING INTO MY BRAIN” and so my mom poured some hydrogen peroxide into my ear to smother it and I was all “I bet this is what it feels like to be a tree” and she looked at me weird and I was all “I mean, having bugs randomly fly inside your holes and you can’t do anything about it while they kill you” she was all “It’s fine. There’s nothing in there” but then I reminded her about how my grandfather once had his ear cleaned at the doctors and they pulled out a fly that had been in there for 15 years and it was perfectly preserved in the ear wax and my mom was all “You actually believed that? Your grandfather is a consummate liar” and I was all “Really?” and she was like “Well…probably” and that’s when I decided it was probably time to go home.