Reason # 876 why marketers should read my blog *before* pitching me

Actual pitch I just received from a marketer:

We’re fans of your blog, and we especially love your realistic perspective and experience with beauty products.  We’re hoping you might be interested in trying our latest skincare discovery and reviewing it on your blog. In only 14 days, you’ll see a significant improvement in the texture and tone of your skin and a decrease in the appearance of wrinkles. If you want to try it and review it on your website, please e-mail us with your full name and address.

We look forward to hearing from you,

Debra

It seemed fairly obvious that Debra hadn’t read my blog at all but I thought I’d just check to give them the benefit of the doubt.  My response:

Thanks!  As you probably know from my blog, I’m only 16 so I don’t really need wrinkle cream but does it work on babies?  Because my daughter has all these wrinkles on her legs and arms and it would be great if I could smooth them out.

PS.  My mom said the wrinkles are “fat rolls” and that wrinkle cream won’t work.  Do you have any products that removes fat rolls from babies?

Her response came quickly:

Hi there,

Thanks for writing back. We don’t make products for the issue you mentioned.

Have a great weekend,

Debra

And then all bets were off:

I understand.  It’s almost impossible to find any products to make your baby less wrinkly.  God knows I’ve tried. It does seem, however, like an open market so maybe you guys should look into making something like that.  It should make babies less fat and wrinkly and also maybe…glittery?  Vampire babies are totally hot right now so I bet you’d sell a shitload of that stuff.  But call it something really descriptive because I refuse to put baby powder on my baby because I I suspect that it’s powder made from babies.

PS. My mom says that baby powder is powder for babies but I just pointed out that babies smell good and baby powder smells good and therefore baby powder is probably made from powdered babies.  That’s why they’re so vague in the name…so that you don’t know if it’s made from babies or not.  I’m just saying, descriptions matter.

PPS.  Don’t make the product from powdered babies if you can help it because PETA’s gonna be all up in your business if you do.  Unless babies aren’t considered animals.  Then you’re probably fine.

Surprisingly, there has been no response.

145 thoughts on “Reason # 876 why marketers should read my blog *before* pitching me

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It is so powdered babies…that’s why they tried to get people to use corn starch instead of baby powder. They didn’t want to admit the whole baby powder made from babies thing so they tried to get people to use corn starch made from corn. Those of us who were smart so didn’t fall for it.

  2. Y’know, sometimes I really want to be you. Even if just for one day.

    PS: If I ever do wake up to discover I’m you, I promise to stay away from your husband until our minds switch back to the correct bodies.

  3. From now on, I shall send to you all of the ridiculous, totally irrelevant, generic, form-letter pitches I receive from marketers … all of which usually begin with “Dear Mr.” That’s it. Not “Dear Mr. Jon” or “Dear Mr. Scratches” or even “Dear Mr. Asshole”; just “Dear Mr.”

    I know from reading your blog that, in addition to writing about beauty products, you are happy to handle drafting responses to all of the bullshit pitches that other bloggers receive, right? Isn’t that what you do? When you’re not making your baby sparkly, that is.

  4. I should just read your blog continuously. It’s like a mood-enhancer, without the nasty side effects. I *flove* you.

  5. Some day I am going to live up to your standards. You are my hero too.
    Next weeks goal – entertain myself at the expense of a marketer.

  6. I guarantee Debra went straight to the bar after this one.

    The correct response from Debra would have been something like “No, we don’t make products to reduce wrinkles from your baby’s butt, but we do make products to make your leathery skin feel as smooth as a baby’s bottom.” She really missed an opportunity here.

  7. The fact that your mind came up with the bit abou the baby powder is fabulous. Poor Debbie. She won’t know what hit her.

  8. I love marketers. Maybe they should make “marketing pitch powder”. It could be made from powdered ad pitches. It would be glittery, of course.

  9. Awesome. Seriously. And how stupid does Debra feel? Or maybe she feels really smart because she’s stealing your idea to pitch to her bosses. And BAM! The Bloggess is out millions of dollars.

    Also, because of your use of the word “douchecanoe” (not in this post specifically, but I think we all know it applies to Debra), I’m making a pillow for my sister in law that says that. She’s going to think it’s awesome. So really, you’re making people look good left and right. Or really bad. And possibly fired.

  10. I wonder if Debra decided that maybe she should go back and read your blog now. In which case she still is headed straight to the bar, but only because she is depressed that she cannot be as awesome as you.

  11. don’t forget about your pug’s wrinkled face! there needs to be a product to remove the wrinkles/rabbits from their foreheads. but minus the glitter. vampires, not so big in the dog world. unless maybe you’re snoop dogg. could you imagine him as a vampire, all pretty and sparkly. i totally could! ok, now try to imagine him moving as fast as a vampire. yeah, i can’t either. he definitely has a shot at the role of smoke monster if they make a LOST movie though.

  12. If you convinced them to make the babies glittery before making them into powder, you’d really be onto something. That glittery baby powder would sell like hotcakes. Oooo, maybe you could make pancakes out of babies and then sell them to vampires, but instead of syrup, they’d be topped with blood, OBVIOUSLY. And then there could be a product called true babies once PETA got wind of the whole baby hotcakes thing and shut it down.

  13. Debra sounds like a newbie marketing “professional.” I hear they let secretaries do this shit now. Totally ruined my graphic design biz. Creeps. And yeah, your shit looks like your secretary designed it. I hope you’re proud. You can always turn things around if you’re a true marketeer. Get with the programo Deb. If you can’t handle marketing at least lead us in stopping these baby powderers. It’s not right.

  14. I can’t believe y’all are being so glib about this. There’s a teenage mother concerned about making her baby a /vampire./ This is what all of those heathen Twilight books are doing to our society. Next we’ll be scarring our babies’ heads with a lightning bolt…

    (well, you posted this under ‘posts that will get me hate mail.’ i just wanted to oblige, even I giggled the entire way through writing my comment.)

  15. Maybe they make cream to remove centaurs from your face, because I vaguely remember you having an issue with centaur face a while back. Or was it a unicorn. Hmmmm.

    I wonder if they make something to repel ducks from pooing on concrete surfaces? Because that stuff I’d buy. Duck-away or please-I’ve-already-washed-the-concrete-today-why-don’t-you-go-play-in-your-POND-instead-of-sitting-at-my-front-door-peeping-at-me.

    Something.

  16. “we especially love your realistic perspective”

    As soon as I read that, I totally lost it. I swear, milk came out my nose. And I’m not even drinking milk! That’s how realistic you are – you’re so realistic that you can make totally real milk appear where there was previously no milk. I swear, you’re the freakin’ Messiah. Only with milk instead of wine. Which begs the question, what’s wrong with you? Wine is totally better than milk, on so many levels. Though it’s probably not very nice coming out one’s nose. Never mind.

  17. just like Girl Scout cookies! I always get the nastiest looks from the Troop Moms when I attempt to verify the cookies the little girls in green uniforms are selling aer in fact made from real Girl Scouts.

  18. I got one this week from a site with the word “horny” in it. Just because I have had 3 kids pictured on my blog, and thus have had sex 3 times, they assume I’m humping internet strangers? My next post that day was about how I don’t put food in my “luv box” so, hopefully, they’ll get the hint. I’m a mom. I don’t have sex at all. Anymore. Ever.

  19. Dear Jenny, Debra called me and asked me if you were freakin wiggidy whack. I said maybe she should actually read blogs before pitching their shit to them, and that I was working on a baby free powder for babies and she could SUCKIT. love ya babe. keep up the good shit

  20. If Debbie’s smart she’ll start reading your blog and become a big fan and maybe send you some real business or whatever.

  21. You write two emails about baby fat removal and sparkly powders made of dead children and suddenly you no longer have a “realistic experience” of beauty products? Marketing “professionals” are so picky these days.

  22. HA! If I didn’t love your blog (and you) before, then this would TOTALLY tip the scales!

    (Is there anyway I can link this to Facebook? I don’t see a way, so I’m just going to copy it into my status. Yes, you have achieved ME linking you to Facebook. You’ve made it big-time!)

  23. I wanna be just like you when I grow up and get rid of my baby wrinkles. I can only wish that I will one day have the quick wit that you seem to naturally possess. You. Are. My. Hero. *sets up a shrine for The Bloggess*

  24. You know Ms. Jenny, you might be onto something huge here! Because honestly…the “team Edward” kids theses days, I believe, I strongly believe, they would buy a product that made their baby sparkle.

  25. I wish the marketers that solicited me would actually email me so I can email them back with ridiculous responses. Instead they just leave anonymous comments on my blog. Assholes.

  26. You better watch it or some real crazy shit’s going to start going down in your google analytics. “Dried, powdered baby skeletons remove fat and/or wrinkles?”

  27. My entire life could be summed up by one of the tags of this post.

    “No one thinks this is funny but me”

  28. Wrinkle cream on your baby! Indeed! Everyone knows that the best way to deal with fat rolls on your baby is to knead the baby well and then roll it out with a rolling pin. It’s even more effective if you sprinkle some baby powder on the baby first for smooth rolling. You may be 16 but there’s still so much you don’t know about the world.

  29. Baby food, too. Lots of parents love baby food. It smells like babies and there’s a picture of a baby on the jar.

    I think we now know what set off Jonathan Swift. It was a marketer.

  30. By Golly, you’re on to something. A skincare line for babies. Love it. While you’re at it, what about something for those unsightly bulges like back fat babies have? Diet pills and thighmasters for babies? Come on with the obesity epidemic, it’s a win-win to start these babies out early; skinny babies who grow into skinny adults. How about Spanx for infants? I say we get these babies geared up for what they’ll face 40, 50 years from now. It’s never too early. Ha!

  31. you could totally be on the next season of 16 and Pregnant. even better–‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’. *or* ’16 and I didn’t know I was pregnant’. girls would be at the prom like ‘i’m so wasted and totally have to poop’ then cut to them in a stall tweeting ‘dude a *baby* just came out of my anus!’ have they come up with a show like that yet? if not, i called it first.

  32. I love these posts. But I have a confession: I do work in Marketing. This is part of why I find them hilarious – because they are SO bad.

    Here’s the thing – I actually do ready your blog (frequently during office hours much to my boss’ dismay). Ever since you, Guy Kawasaki, and Clint Eastwood’s stunt double were almost attacked by a giant squid. I almost feel like a pariah reading these! And then I want to prove that I read your blog and I feel super creepy and stalker-ish because I can tell you who both James Garfield and Kris Kristofferson are.

    Arg, not to mar this totally honest (and serious) post, what’s your new address? (Hey, not expecting a new home address! But surely, you’ll get a new PO box, etc!) Give us a chance to prove that some marketers actually read your blog!

    Best,
    A hopeful ingenue

    Trust me, we’re not all

  33. Jen, I’m sooooo slow at reading – but didn’t anyone ask how you got half your hair bleached blond? Bet it could start a trend. Oh, hell, that was for your last post. But – now I know why I couldn’t make a baby by putting baby powder in a blender with some beer. Hell of a mess.

  34. “Realistic perspective”? What does that mean? She’s fucking with your mind. Just wait–you’ll wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how a perspective can be “real.”

  35. Baby treadmills and baby Botox work well to get rid of the (unsightly) baby fat and baby wrinkles. For some reason, though, this raises a “red flag” on adoption paperwork. Sue me for wanting the baby to have high self esteem. Sheesh.

  36. Maybe when they say “your realistic perspective and experience with beauty products” they’re referring to the time you accidentally brushed your teeth using false eye-lash glue…

    Now *that* was a realistic experience with a beauty product…

  37. This has to be the best post Ive read in a long time!
    But, I must ask you… Have you ever thought about baby OIL??

  38. I don’t get any marketing pitches from PR people….BUT when I do (and I’m sure I will because *hello!* I follow the Bloggess so I’m awesome by association!) I’m definitely taking a leaf out of your book!

  39. So I think you should find yourself a baby, cover it with glittery powder and then send a picture of it to Debra with a “HA! This is how you do it biotch!” Or something like that.

  40. Oh- if you can’t find a baby to try it out on- go get that fox in your backyard. Because who doesn’t love a glittery fox?!?!

  41. First, I’m shocked that the reply was an actual reply and not “Great, we will send you the sample of this amazing product! If you fail to write your review within 30 days, you will be charged $89.99 for first shipment and $89.99 for each subsequent shipment until you cancel your contract in writing which must be signed notarized and sealed in blood, thanks again!”

    Second, because I have always had a sick sense of humor (Oblongs are seriously my favorite!), I immediately thought of all the dead baby jokes I learned in school. Now, I of course don’t want to kill babies, or even hear about real dead babies, nothing will make me turn the channel quicker. But “what’s red and sits in the corner-a dead baby. What’s green and sits in the corner-same baby 3 days later”. That’s funny shit. Right? Hello? *cricket Damn, they always run away…

  42. Wrinkly babies are a problem plaguing this nation, and I am shocked and appalled that cosmetics companies are not taking the proper measures to cure this epidemic.

  43. of course baby powder it’s made out of powdered babies; just like baby milk it’s made out of babies. delicious ,creamy, fat babies. YUM!!

    ps: i would totally rock the s**t out of a vampire baby. it’s would be like the new “it “thing; like justin bieber or cocaine

  44. I so love you. Thanks for my morning laugh, complete with tears. I was laughing so hard I could barely read the post to my teenage son, who now thinks you’re awesome too!

  45. Just read this story to my Great Aunt at her old age home. Suffice it to say, the rest of the hospice must have caught on because they started to wheel over to listen. My 95 year old aunt got pissed (attention whore despite old age), and commanded that I take her to Atlantic City immediately. I promptly went to the bathroom, proceeded to swallow every pill in my bag, and I am now taking the bus home. Suffice it to say, you are certainly a celebrity at a Staten Island Old Age Home. xo

  46. Dear Bloggess
    If you read my initial contact carefully you would see that I clearly meant our product, Canine Hare Cream, was for your pug to rid it of the homicidal rabbit on its forehead. Our Bastard Child Vampire Powder has not yet been approved by the FDA, otherwise I would happily send some to you.

    I apologize for any misunderstanding. I’m sending you a box of Powdered Babies for your breakfast enjoyment, FREE. If you find our Powdered Babies as delicious as we do, I hope you’ll review it on your blog.
    Debra

  47. I got pitched last week from a store that shall remain nameless for now. The obviously mass-mailed text said “We love your blog and wondered if you’d be interested in doing a product review or giveaway for us…” blah blah.

    Well, obviously, they didn’t love my blog enough to remember that I was CURRENTLY RUNNING a giveaway for these people.

    They got a snide response back.

    My first time here. Who knew you were in Hill Country? I didn’t. I”m in Austin. Hi.

  48. I’ve never imagined vampires as babies. And I got a horrific mental image of a crowd going postal just to see a vampire baby. It would be bad. People like to see and touch sparkly shit. You should patent the idea for sparkly vampire babies. You know, if there were a way to do it without infringing on Stephanie Meyer’s adult sparklies.

    thanks for the laugh.

  49. I think I’m in love with the way you handled that. The vampire babies sure was a surprise for them (that, of course, unless they had already considered that option, and the way Twilight has affected everything right now… it’s quite possible.)

  50. Have you ever thought about ironing your baby? It would probably get rid of the wrinkles but then you’re left with a nasty red rash. It’s like you can’t win. P.S. Please don’t try that at home (or on babies in general). I’m no rocket scientist but it’s probably for the best.

  51. So if she actually read your blog her response should have been something like:
    “Really? You’re 16? Cause you’ve got your picture posted and you don’t look 16. You REALLY need this wrinkle cream!”
    Not that you look old or anything, just not 16. You’ve got a nice maturity to you, to wise looking to be 16. I’m making this worse aren’t I. I’ll shut up now.

  52. Jenny, somehow I’m thinking maybe you are @CorpzFlowrLois. I will know for sure in abt 4hours.

    ~EdT.

  53. I was reading this article about how beer is now coming wrapped up in stuffed dead animals and that’s when I realized I haven’t checked your blog in a long time.

  54. What the fuck is wrong with that company not making baby fat roll remover cream? Cos I have a few fat rolls caused by babies and I’m looking for a cream that might remove them. Surely that sort of cream would solve both? Also…why the hell don’t we bloggers get approached with emails like
    ”We are total fans of your blog and since you have so much experience with cars we wanna give you one.”
    I’m still waiting for that one.

  55. You are scarily authentic as a 16 year-old mom of a wrinkled baby.

    Enough so that I *totally* expect to see her someday on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”, complaining about a serious bout of constipation…

    (No, not really. But I do expect her to be featured someday on The Soup.)

    ~EdT.

  56. I’ve had that conversation with someone in person, for real. But for some reason it’s not nearly as funny as when you do it through e-mail to some random person who obviously doesn’t know how to spend 5 minutes to get to know the person they are e-mailing. I wish I could be 1/10th as funny as you!

  57. New to your blog. I’ve just spent the last hour laughing while reading your posts. You’ve definitely got a gift. Keep ’em coming! Cheers, Cindy

  58. Now I know what to do if a PR person approaches me. But I would SO take the anti-wrinkle cream. And a fat-wrinkle remover too. Just saying…

    xo Susie

  59. I find these offers slightly offensive… It’s like when you get stopped in the street and asked if you want a make-over. Why? Do I *look* like I need a make-over? For the record, no I don’t.

  60. Good Lord, I would KILL to be on the receiving side of those emails. I wonder, do they finally check your blog AFTER reading that shit? I would hope so. I mean, to ignore the possibility that some 16 year old is trying to get rid of baby rolls is a bit concerning.

    Also, you have inspired me to consider going a bit over the top on some of my own emails from offers. Gearing up and rubbing my hands together…

  61. Um… is it just me or did she call you an old lady in your first email? Hi I was just writing because I think you look like crap but the good news is that I have this great wrinkle cream for you. What, you don’t want to try it because you know that you are totally hot? Oh ok, if you want to look like an old bag that’s fine with me.

    Seriously she needs to learn how to better express herself because that is exactly how what she wrote to you sounds in my head.

  62. Spam is a problem for your blog? Can I then assume you have never heard of Akismet? I’ve had it installed on my blog for years and have YET to have a spam mail published in comments or via email to my mailbox. This is a 5 minute install, for crying out loud! Get it and do it!

  63. And by the way … why the hell is it that pretty ladies with their hair in rollers look so damned sexy! LOL:)

  64. I get tons of solicitations from people who want to review “one of my products.” Uh, I only have ONE product (currently, at least), so it is obvious they have not looked at my web site. Sigh. Thanks for the laugh!

  65. I don’t know though…the line between baby and animal seems very fine
    I think either way PETA would be pissed.
    Good thing I’ve never used baby powder in my conscious Life

  66. This is great! I write a semi-pornographic fanfic blog that gets enough hits to get me noticed by marketers, but I really don’t understand how they possibly think that being featured on my blog could bring them anything but grief.

  67. That was absolutely hysterical. Thanks for the laugh. I guess you get what you pay for. People think they can cut corners when it comes to marketing. Love your sense of humor, made my day.

  68. They are *totally* working on that baby-fat-roll-removal-cream.
    That’s the only logical explanation for the sudden lack of contact.
    Keep the legal team on standby …

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