Actual pitch I just received from a marketer:
We’re fans of your blog, and we especially love your realistic perspective and experience with beauty products. We’re hoping you might be interested in trying our latest skincare discovery and reviewing it on your blog. In only 14 days, you’ll see a significant improvement in the texture and tone of your skin and a decrease in the appearance of wrinkles. If you want to try it and review it on your website, please e-mail us with your full name and address.
We look forward to hearing from you,
It seemed fairly obvious that Debra hadn’t read my blog at all but I thought I’d just check to give them the benefit of the doubt. My response:
Thanks! As you probably know from my blog, I’m only 16 so I don’t really need wrinkle cream but does it work on babies? Because my daughter has all these wrinkles on her legs and arms and it would be great if I could smooth them out.
PS. My mom said the wrinkles are “fat rolls” and that wrinkle cream won’t work. Do you have any products that removes fat rolls from babies?
Her response came quickly:
Thanks for writing back. We don’t make products for the issue you mentioned.
Have a great weekend,
And then all bets were off:
I understand. It’s almost impossible to find any products to make your baby less wrinkly. God knows I’ve tried. It does seem, however, like an open market so maybe you guys should look into making something like that. It should make babies less fat and wrinkly and also maybe…glittery? Vampire babies are totally hot right now so I bet you’d sell a shitload of that stuff. But call it something really descriptive because I refuse to put baby powder on my baby because I I suspect that it’s powder made from babies.
PS. My mom says that baby powder is powder for babies but I just pointed out that babies smell good and baby powder smells good and therefore baby powder is probably made from powdered babies. That’s why they’re so vague in the name…so that you don’t know if it’s made from babies or not. I’m just saying, descriptions matter.
PPS. Don’t make the product from powdered babies if you can help it because PETA’s gonna be all up in your business if you do. Unless babies aren’t considered animals. Then you’re probably fine.
Surprisingly, there has been no response.