You know what’s awesome? When you move into a new (to you) house and you smell something musty and so you call someone to look at what you really hope isn’t black mold in the bathroom and they’re all “Shit, lady. You’re fucked” and then a scientist comes out to take lab samples and then the mold guys come back into your bedroom and they’re all “You haven’t been sleeping near this room have you?” and they seal the whole section of that house off and put a zipper in it so that the mold doesn’t escape and then they get dressed up in the exact same outfits that the FBI people wore when they accidentally almost killed E.T. and they rip out sheetrock and cabinets and you want to take pictures but they won’t let you in unless you’re dressed in protective gear and then they’re all “No ma’am, feetie pajamas are not going to cut it” and then the scientist keeps coming back to take more air samples and you try to sneak into the bathroom to get your toothpaste but you trip over the opening because it’s almost impossible to walk into a room that has a zipper for a door and you bump your head and it hurts so much you forget that you aren’t supposed to breathe and so you take a breath of what will probably kill you and then you start to feel sick but then you remind yourself that you’ve been showering in that room for the last week so you probably already have tuberculosis anyway and you’re not going to have enough money for hospitalization because you’re already having to spend money on air samples and lab techs and supporting the people who probably killed E.T. and then you go lay down and cry for a minute and the mold guys are all “You know, you really shouldn’t use this room” and you’re all “Well, I’d go hide in your office but you can’t because I CAN’T AFFORD WALLS”?
Yeah. That’s awesome.
PS. By “awesome” I mean “I’d like to go hide under the house but I suspect that’s where all the scorpions live”.
PPS. I need money. You need ads. Or maybe you don’t. But probably you do. $75 gets you 30 days of text ads and a detailed description of what tuberculosis feels like. Hint: It feels like a concussion.
PPPS. Victor says I don’t have tuberculosis or a concussion. Victor is very unsupportive.
PPPPS. The scientist guy just called and said that it’s definitely not black mold. Or he said that it definitely is black mold. It’s hard to keep the details straight with this concussion.
PPPPPS. Yes, of course I have pictures:
PPPPPPPS. Please send a doctor.
Comment of the day: Wow. Your zipper door is so magical. It’s glowing, like how I imagine the Virgin Mary’s Cesarean scar looks like in heaven. I can only assume she had a Cesarean, because she was a virgin, and I heard if you used a tampon it ruined your virginity, so passing Jesus through your birth canal probably does, too. So, you’re probably going to be OK, because it’s like when someone gets a grilled cheese at the diner and Mary’s face appears and then they win $500 at bingo night. Only it’s Mary’s heavenly abdomen and you winning no mold. ~ Sarah p