Oh twitter. I don’t know whether I should feel touched or insulted.

Twitter has this new thing where they’ll suggest users you should probably follow based on your tweets.  Here’s who they suggested to me:

Honestly, Twitter.  I get enough of that from my father.

Comment of the day: Last time I followed Dr. Drew, he called the cops on me. If you can’t handle your leg being humped while you use a public urinal, you shouldn’t be in show biz. ~Always Home and Uncool

76 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 1
    Grey Street Girl

    You really should follow @jesus. He posts some really funny tweets. The bible really doesn’t point out what a card he is.

    Dr. Drew… not so much.

  2. I am sad because Twitter does not suggest that I follow anyone. This just affirms my belief that I am not only a misanthropic cow, but quite possibly the Queen of Misanthropic Cows.

    Major Bedhead recently posted The Obligatory- Ubiquitious- Pre-BlogHer Freak Out Post.

  3. Shouldn’t they be following you actually? Stupid Twitter.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Bathing Is Way Overrated.

  4. Now, be careful. Jesus has yet to verify his account. That could really be Satan testing you. 🙂

    gingela5 recently posted Olive Garden.

  5. know what i got a suggestion for? an alcohol treatment center…
    nice, twitter, real nice.
    also, i’m pretty sure if jesus is your pal on twitter you can turn to him for basically any/all advice… so dr. drew, while lovely, would kinda be over kill.

    jess cota recently posted my thumbs are small i know- but theyre not yours they are my own.

  6. Oh wait that was probably dumb of me since EVERYONE follows you already. Sigh.

    I am sorry.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Bathing Is Way Overrated.

  7. However, if you look at @JesusChrist’s profile, it suggests following you. Hm.

    @HumanBeam recently posted Theres a Bluebird in my heart.

  8. 8

    Jesus is pretty hilarious. As is Jesus_M_Christ, Jesus_H_Christ’s brother, and cousin of Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.

  9. I think it’s kind of creepy that they suggest who to follow…

    Melanie @ 40 Degree Day recently posted Photos and a Plane.

  10. I don’t like the new follow thing. Mostly because the ones they suggest, I look at and go, “Oh hell no.” By that time, I’ve wasted more time than I’d care to thinking about people I don’t really care to follow on twitter . . . or in real life. :-/

    amo recently posted Mississippi.

  11. Pretty sure I want to follow Jesus. Just to say I am one of his ‘followers’.

    The Glamorous Life Association recently posted Poker brace Face.

  12. Great they paired Dr. Drew and Jesus together. Dr. Drew’s ego just went up a couple of clicks.
    There’ll be no talking to him now.

  13. I’m confused. Why does Dr. Drew have two Twitter accounts?

    cul-de-sac-ed recently posted I am not one of those crazy dog ladies.

  14. Wow. I didn’t know Jesus had a twitter account. Do you think he uses a PC or Mac? or can he just sit up in heaven and speak the words and then it gets twitterpated all across the world??

    SuzRocks recently posted Why I wish to be a dog in my next life.

  15. That is FABULOUS!

  16. Twitter has yet to pull this stunt on me. That having been said, the Twitter machine probably doesn’t know what to do with me at the best times and probably doesn’t feel comfortable in suggesting new people for me to harass I MEAN BEFRIEND

    Jam recently posted Brain soup for the soul.

  17. I hate it when Twitter touches me. That’s why I have that restraining order.

    Pauline recently posted Tools Of The Trade- Closed Quarters.

  18. I just want to point out that I have never seen Dr. Drew and Jesus in the same room at the same time. Just sayin.

    FabuLeslie recently posted Everybody Can Just Suck It! Ok- Seriously- my Social Life is Lame.

  19. I’ve gotten no suggestions. I’m undefinable.

    Hamlet's Mistress recently posted Ten reasons our home is just a starter….

  20. Hahaha, well, at least that’s better than mine, apparently I’m not good enough to follow anyone because it won’t give me any recommendations for who to follow.

    Lilly recently posted Free Redbox Movie!.

  21. At least it asks you, unlike forcing me to follow people I hate.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

    Tiffany recently posted Stealing Sunday.

  22. Last time I followed Dr. Drew, he called the cops on me. I mean, if you can’t handle your leg being humped while you use a public urinal, you shouldn’t be in show biz.

  23. WTF? How come you get more love from Twitter than me? I don’t want them to tell me who to follow, but I don’t want them to try to tell me, because when they don’t try, it makes me realize that they think you are way more important than me because you have more followers and more stars and shit, and well that is just so unfair. Plus if they would try to tell me then I could feel all superior about saying how I don’t need their god damn suggestions, and now because they didn’t even give me any suggestions, I have to feel all inferior.
    I may have emotional problems. So nuff said.

    sara davis recently posted Universal Truths- they don’t exist- lets stop looking.

  24. How did Dr. Drew get top billing over Jesus? Is Twitter Jewish?

    Suniverse recently posted You would not believe my night Also- every picture tells a story Dont it.

  25. Doesn’t Twitter realize the Beatles are bigger than Jesus?

    Victoria Mixon recently posted 5 BS Indicators for Writers Conferences.

  26. Why have I not seen that section where Twitter shows you who you might want to follow? Where is it? It’s not on my page anywhere.

  27. Jesus Christ on Twitter seriously rocks. I’ve been following him and there’s been no Catholic guilt, no request for confession and no pressure to Tweet in a politically correct manner.

    His jokes are pretty wicked, too.

    gigi recently posted BlogHer Thanks- I’ll Pass.

  28. Hahahahahaha I love it.

    MandyImnotfamousMoore recently posted Happy Birthday Chicken.

  29. That Jesus looks like a bobblehead. Don’t fall for it.

  30. Are you sure that your dad isn’t behind Twitter??

    BOTB recently posted The cart before the horse.

  31. Have you noticed this is post # 7777? Surely that means something.

  32. It’s a trick! Dr. Drew is Jesus!

    Chris Illuminati recently posted Photo.

  33. Also, how can you NOT follow buddy christ? That’s the closest thing to following St. George of Carlin

  34. Twitter suggested I would like Ramona Singer. Really? Cause I’d kindof like to throatpunch her.

    AmyBlam recently posted The Shoe Diaries- BlogHer edition.

  35. It looks more like a pyramid scheme to me – you follow Jesus, he follows Dr. Drew, Jesus gets a cut of everyone you bring in, Dr. Drew gets everything. It’s spiritual Amway.

    julie the wife recently posted Workin Hard for the Money.

  36. Twitter doesn’t do that for me. You really are fucked up in the head.

    muskrat recently posted by air and by sea- to see a newly minted 4-year-old.

  37. They’re probably programming notes. They’re just suggesting the type of program your sitcom should follow from a scheduling standpoint.

    Elly Lou recently posted I Quit and Joe Scares Me.

  38. Why is Twitter getting so pushy about Jesus? The religious right is watching you.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah recently posted The Fun Kind of Cleaning.

  39. They keep pushing random people at me. Like the one who was tweeting politics, but their political leaning was about as far away from mine as the north and south poles. Made me wonder if twitter was just trying to cause a twitter fight.

  40. I’ve started following everyone that twitter suggests. it’s best if I don’t make my own decisions.

    fuck yeah, motherhood! recently posted Flow It- Show It- Long As God Can Grow It.

  41. You should follow Jesus. I do, because it kills two birds with one stone: I bust a gut and save my soul at the same time. It’s like The Pope marries Ellen Degeneres.

  42. Twitter apparently doesnt think I should follow people.



    Tony Hunt recently posted Put a Ring On It!.

  43. Well Tila Tequila was just denied to be on Dr. Drew’s show, so I guess following him will make you better than Tila Tequila. Or at the very least AS GOOD AS Tila Tequila, and can you really ask for more than that?

    Kristen recently posted Outsmarted by the Cat.

  44. Tweeting with Dr. Phil sounds perverted…tweeting with Jeez-us sounds biblical.

    Our father, who art on twitter
    hey-zeus be thy name
    thy tweets @bloggess come
    they will be fun
    on twitter; it’s just like heaven

    give us one tweet, your daily words
    and forgive those who un-follow
    for Jesus is the way;
    Dr. Phil is gay
    forever and ever,

    Danon - Insatiable Host recently posted Book Teaser.

  45. It’s times like these when you need to ask yourself- What would Jesus do?

    You’ll probably have to follow him to find out.

    bschooled recently posted Whoever invented the term “Bargain Hunter” could have been talking about me.

  46. Follow Jesus. You owe his Daddy for the whole ‘lawn-booby’ thing.

    Betty Fokker recently posted Narcissistic People are Asshats.

  47. Only you…lol! You crack me up every visit 🙂

  48. The Lord won’t cure your unruly vagina hair, but he can teach you to love it.

    Fred Miller recently posted Cooking with Fur.

  49. Twitter isn’t suggesting anyone for me. I guess I’m not important enough for it to suggest people. Asshole Twitter.

    Caitlin recently posted When the bitch bun goes up- stuff gets serious.

  50. Oh lord, even Jesus has a Twitter account these days? I knew it wasn’t going to stay cool for long…

    Alexandra the Tsaritsa recently posted Another award.

  51. I am back because I am a pathetic double commenter. Like a double dipper. Only more awkward.

    Just to say I had this idea called Prayitter. Or Praytter…or some frickin thing combining PRAYING and TWITTER. Where you could just ‘tweet’ or maybe ‘preet’ your prayers. And God or Jesus or who EVER would RT or DM you.

    hard to believe all this genius hasn’t been franchised yet huh?
    Okay. I will stop drinking now.

    The Glamorous Life Association recently posted Poker brace Face.

  52. Story of my life. I feel like I’m peeking into a cooler version of my life every time I come to your blog. LOVE IT

    Annah recently posted I FOUGHT THE DEVIL AND WON FOR NOW.

  53. Jesus also has a telephone account! True story. And a friend of mine who works in cust. service says that there are two account admins (one is Jesus and the other is known as God) and the notes on the account say that God called to put a bar on interstate cell calls and Jesus rang back to say he was NOT happy.

    Ah, Jesus.

  54. we’ve been through this before… maybe you should just follow jesus and get it over with

    angelica recently posted singing lullabies to fate.

  55. You should totally follow @jesus, he’s hilarious.

  56. Wow that Jesus fella is really down with the kids.

  57. It could be a new marketing angle: “Twitter nags you so your parents don’t have to”

    kyknoord recently posted All kinds of wrong.

  58. They never sent me an email, one suggesting who I should follow or anything else.
    Hell, they probably send you flowers. I feel mildly jealous and quite unloved.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted 800 down- 850 to go.

  59. Great so now Twitter is picking my friends for me?! WTF TWITTER?! It’s like Blind Date, only with friendship and I am so not down with Blind Dates, because like, what if I follow someone that is totally not my type? I mean I’ve got a man already, but I still have to have friends that are ”my type”.

    Dr. Drew doesn’t sound like my type. But since long hair is probably going to make a comback for men in like 10 years, I’d totally be down with Jesus. Probably. Unless he got all hormonal on me or something.

    Mesina recently posted Those damn lady appointments.

  60. They are BOTH really popular AND there to help…I guess it’s a toss up.

    Jules recently posted Mean Girl Teaching Moment.

  61. I don’t twitter, or tweet, or twat. Whatever. But I did not know that I could follow Jesus. I mean, what do His tweets consist of? Does Buddha tweet? “Nirvana rocks. Well, REAL Nirvana, I never got into the band. And I mean enlightenment, because technically I think nirvana is a Hindu concept.”

    Sam recently posted Is Pandora Drunk again.

  62. Here is where I get depressed because Twitter doesn’t recommend blogs to me. I am that insignificant, apparently. Not even @Jesus wants to be my twitter pal.

    Le sigh.

    tracey recently posted If you could see the carnage I came home to- you wouldnt judge a repost.

  63. Dude, Twitter told me to follow Scoble so I say you got off easier then I did!

  64. I can see the judge now, “Sir, why did you crash the bar mitzvah with a mariachi band, spiked the sherbet punch with a bottle of everclear and some bong water raised sea monkeys. Then, you began tea bagging their bubbe, wearing nothing but a sombrero and some male enhancement thongs.” then you’re like “but your honor, I was merely doing god’s will, Jesus told me to do it on twitter.”

    P.S. I’ve never had a criminal record until I started following Jesus.
    P.S.S. But damn, these conjugal visits form grandma are bizarrely fantastic.

    Kaost recently posted from the projects- to youtube- to stardom- overnight.

  65. this is awesome…but I’m more excited that this is post 7777…

    Meghan recently posted August 2.

  66. Check out Jesus H. Christ and also Darth Vader on Twitter.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted 5 Tips for Supporting a Separated Friend.

  67. You have 56,430 followers!? That makes you, like, the world’s fifth largest religion, doesn’t it?


    Ed T. recently posted Yes- my week has been exactly like this.

  68. I got an email the other day that said:

    “The LunchLady is now following you.”

    Thanks a lot, Twitter.

    Try telling me something I DON’T know.

    moooooog35 recently posted Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black.

  69. I can’t agree enough with today’s comment of the day! THAT IS AWESOME! And it’s funny because it’s true!

    My Baby Sweetness recently posted I really thought the potty mouth would come from my husband.

  70. I am pretty sure Dr. Drew considers himself to be the next coming of Christ. Jesus? Not so much.

    Dani recently posted A Tribute to the One I Love Who Riddled Me With Anxiety and Almost Gave Me an Ulcer a-k-a Please Dont Do That Again.

  71. Twitter suggested I follow http://twitter.com/VaginaRants . Maybe we can trade? Got someone more in the culinary field for me?

    Chef Keem recently posted Wiener Schnitzel – Frequently Asked Questions.

  72. What impresses me even more is that you have that many followers! AND now I need to go see who they are suggesting to me. I hope it’s not the opposite of Jesus! LOL And I am always in need of a good shrink so that would be handy too! Have fun at BlogHer!!!

    Shoegirl recently posted Steady and Well-Ordered in my Life.

  73. Who the fuck would Jesus follow?

    Amy recently posted Excuse Me Miss- You Have An Octopus On Your Head.

  74. hehe excellent, this shows the true caliber of your stories!

  75. I think that Jesus Christ on Twitter is seriously cool! We all need to follow him and what’s nice is that there’s been no censorship by Twitter in a politically correct manner.

  76. […] see that The Bloggess was referred to a shrink but Virginia DeBolt posted on the BlogHer site that she did find some good recommendations via the […]

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