Free booze.

Dear internets, it’s once again time for my mandatory Blogher post.  I’ll make it short, I swear.

If you aren’t going to the Blogher conference, no worries.  I spend most of my time hiding in my room or in a public bathroom so technically you could just hide in your bedroom at home and simulate the whole thing.  Except that to make it a true experience you need to share one bed with several other girls and you have to pretend that you’re always happy and that you never have to poop.  That’s basically the whole conference.  Plus booze.  Also, my roomie Laura and I were comparing all of the private parties that we didn’t get invited to and we decided that we would host an imaginary private party so that when you see people tweeting about some awesome party you weren’t invited to you can make them jealous with your own personal party tweets and we will totally back you up.  If you claim to see me throwing flaming furniture out of a hotel room inexplicably filled with rare Brazilian lizards I won’t deny it because that’s pretty much exactly the kind of thing you expect to see at #vaginapalooza10.  You’ve just been invited.  No vagina necessary.

If you are at Blogher then come find me because I spend most of my time alone in bathrooms.  I’m co-hosting the People’s Party again this year but as usual I probably won’t see the inside of the party and will most likely be in a bathroom outside of the party hanging out with the irresponsible people who didn’t RSVP on time.  On Friday I’m doing “performance art” at the Kirtsy party and popping into the Serenity Suite when I get too overwhelmed.  Then Saturday I’m speaking about when it’s okay to lie (summary: It’s not) and then Saturday night I’ll be at the Volstead and at the SexIs party at the Warwick.  (Both of those are totally open to non-blogher attendees, btw.   No RSVP necessary.  Just come if you want.)  As always, I will be a mess and cannot be held responsible for anything that I say or do and I apologize in advance for whatever ill-advised thing I convince you to do.  Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Also, every year I wear a confidence wig (or two) because I’m scared of people and it helps me pretend that I’m someone else but this year my friend Karen insisted that I need to stop wearing confidence wigs because I need to just be myself with my own bad hair but I’m pretty sure she’s just saying that because she’s never had bad hair but I’m taking her advice and this year I’m making a compromise.

CONFIDENCE PONYTAIL.

Baby-steps, y’all.

PS.  I just did spell-check and it told me that “Blogher” isn’t a real word but that “#vaginapalooza10” totally was.  Awesome.  Spellcheck’s totally coming to the party.

Comment of the day: In order to compensate for not being a cool BlogHer type lady I’m going to spend the weekend pooping as much as I possibly can. ~ Erica

173 thoughts on “Free booze.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Nice confidence pony-tail, but it’s especially nice how you have it leading the eye directly to your cleavage.

    Also, have a good time – and emerge from the bathroom. People aren’t that scary as long as you enforce a 2 foot radius of personal space.

  2. Consider this my RSVP to #vaginapalooza10. Twitter parties are generally the best parties. I’ll bring snacks, but no promises that I’ll share.

  3. According to AVapidBlonde, we’re going to take over the lactation lounge and whip up many pitchers of white russians. My liver hurts already.

  4. My friend told me the other day that my haircut looks like I’m wearing two wigs – one long underneath and a short one on top. So really you just need a bad haircut.

  5. You look pretty hot with Angelina Jolie-esque hair. You should get big sunglasses, too. Then you can be the dark, mysterious girl that everyone’s interested in.

  6. I need to get me some confidence wigs. Maybe then I wouldn’t end up at networking events, shoved into a corner, guzzling glasses of wine the size of toilet bowls while suffering paranoia about the back of my skirt somehow ending up in my underpants. As for BlogHer, I didn’t get tickets, so I’ll lock myself in the bathroom at home and pretend we’re hanging out together.

  7. I wish I was going. I would totally hang out in the bathroom with you with my 1-year-old. I don’t she’d be allowed to partake in the free booze. Ecstacy, maybe, but I’d totally be the worst mother ever letting her consume alcohol in public.

  8. You can find me holding a washroom stall for you. You can’t miss me I’ll be wearing my Lady Godiva wig and sitting on a case of wine.

  9. It’s possible that #vaginapalooza10 is now the party I am most excited about attending. Also the confidence ponytail is hot but, is it possibly covered in toxic mold? This will directly impact how desperately I stalk you.

  10. I just read the Pioneer Woman’s post about Coronal Jessup’s quote, and now all I can think is “You can’t HANDLE the Vagina Palooza.”

    And you know what?

    Coronal Jessup’s probably right.

    I can’t.

  11. Whoa! Don’t you have like…lighter colored hair!?

    Anyways the darker color looks amazing on you, as does that pony tail. ;O

    And “a” is right, it is especially nice that the pony tail is leading directly to your cleavage.

  12. The Blogher covention sounds like some scary sorority. I mean for you to feel compelled to spend so much time in bathrooms, my least favorite place, speaks volumes of how intimidating a group of women can be. Just remember we all have vaginas, wear underwear (most of the time) and shit like everyone else. Keep rocking the ponytail!

  13. Oh, Man, I totally missed cockapalooza this year, and now I have to miss vaginapalooza too? This world is too cruel for me to go on.

    Sharing one bed with several other girls is kinda like repeating the college experience, really. And what do you mean pretending you never have to poop? My last boyfriend told me girls never do have to poop, and I believed him.

  14. I can only go to Blogher if the approval for my sex-change goes through.

    And knowing the penal system in New Hampshire, I think it’s highly doubtful.

  15. I almost never go to events such as BlogHer because there’s rarely enough decent bathrooms. If they had enough bathrooms for everyone, I’d totally be there.

    Thanks for the invite to #vaginapalooza10! I hope there are enough bathrooms. And I’m glad that it’s vagina optional. If I had to show my vagina at the door, I’m sure I’d forget to bring it again. That always happens. I probably should keep a couple extra in my purse, just in case.

  16. I too have a “confidence wig” of sorts, except mine is an “anxiety mask” so people can’t see me freaking the fuck out on the airplane for 3 hours. The TSA seems to take issue with it though. I dunno why, lots of people wear Nixon masks. Don’t they?

  17. I am SO GOING to blogher…umm…next year (please ignore the sobs). I blame the baby. I also blame the fact that I didn’t get my shit together to find a sponsor BECAUSE of the baby. (see, it’s just all the baby’s fault) but you had better be there next year or I’m going to throw tantrums.

    BTW, I love the confidence ponytail – I totally need one of those.

  18. Oh! I love the sound of vaginapalooza10 – obviously THE party to attend! Also, I’ll be the redhead who is stalking you in the bathrooms…..not really, but I hope to meet you and tell you how awesome you are or some other random adjective that just falls out of my mouth in my jenny-the-bloggess-meeting nervousness! 😉

  19. Just tell me where the suitcase canoe will be located. That’s the party I need to attend this year. I’ll bring my newly engraved Judy Garland trail mix pill box. You supply the desk. Wigs optional.

  20. So like okay … I just read that comment someone made above about “vulvapalooza” and then I thought about vuvuzelas, and somehow my brain morphed this into some strange festivity that I need to invent called “VULVUZELAPALOOZA”.

    I’m not sure exactly what one *does* at this festival yet, but I imagine there’s got to be some strange variation on the ‘ping pong routine’, except it uses vuvuzelas? Hmmmmm … wonder how high my liability insurance would need to be??

  21. Between the confidence ponytail and the awesome NOT attached to your body with a hidden clippy-thing cleavage, you will RULE #vaginapalooza10! But if I were there, I’d tell you that you looked like you’d just been dragged backwards through a fence and everyone was pointing at you behind your back, because I’d want you to hide in the bathroom with me.

  22. I will be across the country at a very boring conference in Seattle. I will hide in bathrooms and go to the bar there and pretend I am at blogher. Although really- a conference with thousands of women. That is a whole lot of estrogen floating around. Can we say DRAMA?!

  23. I love you Jenny. You da shit. I mean…U rock. I mean….I really really like you. I mean, “I like the way you think”. Drinking vodka with you would be unforgettable. Forget the vaginapallooza. It should be vodkapallooza. No?

  24. How is it possible that your post appears on my blog as *only* 47 minutes old, and yet I come here and see that you already have some 30+ comments?

    Forget Blogher – you have enough virtual stalkers already. All of them in competition it would seem.

    Most bizarre and very un-British.

    LCM x

  25. Well, shitballs. I think I have that same dress but in a different color (ok TWO different colors) but I don’t have a confidence pony tail. I do have a hooker-looking wig, but I think that will not really help with the confidence thing. But that’s ok. So when you see someone in your dress but without a pony tail, but possibly wearing a hooker wig, it would be awesome if you waved. You know, if you want to.

  26. I like the ponytail, but I vote you keep your wigs. In fact, you should take a Dolly Parton wig to a Drag Queen and let her pump that shit up until you are the person people refer to as “the chick with the butterflies and apples in her wig” at Blogher and then you will be even MORE famous which means the confidence wig would have totally worked for you.

  27. You have fun! I can’t/won’t/wouldn’t go to blogher, because I am a totally backwards, too outspoken redneck. I would not fit in. But hey, maybe someone should throw a Not at Blogher party online!

  28. Wow, it takes me hours just to research what the hell everyone is talking about and by then, it’s over.

    I would totally freak out, as I do in my work functions. I would be worrying the whole time if people are looking at me, wondering what the hell I was doing there, where the hell that shade of red hair came from, trying to non-chalantly butt in on conversations with people I don’t know and then feeling sick to my stomach because they nonchalantly did the A, B See your way out of this conversation bit on me and I would hide by the food and pretend to be bored instead of having a panic attack and running to my room to cry because I have no friends…

    um…have fun!

  29. Considering you made me cry last year, I think I will avoid you, if you don’t mind. Teasing, teasing. ;-D

    I do truly love your Moaning Myrtle Moves with the whole bathroom thing. It is your signature social specialty now, right?

  30. In order to compensate for not being a cool BlogHer type lady I’m going to spend the weekend pooping as much as I possibly can.

  31. It really does feel like high school all over again. Cheerleaders going to cheer camp and I’m left behind to fuck all the football players.

  32. I broke mine (vagina) 3 weeks shy of my 37th birthday. Yesterday when I met with the surgeon/ob she said, “And have you tried intercourse?” and rather than saying no or nodding quietly I stammered, “Yes, but it had been the 21 days. It was actually 22 because it was past midnight on my birthday, day after really. You said I had to wait and he was gentle and didn’t, umm, well, I know the stitches were really high and he kind of held back….” and then I squealed and ducked my head under the “paper drape.”

    Fuck.

    Can I still come, broken and all?

  33. Oh my god I just said come after a sex story. But I spelled it the right way. Please tie a ball gag in my mouth. Now.

  34. I didn’t get to meet you at BlogHer last year, which was like the biggest bummer to me of the whole conference. Although I *was* at the humor writing panel and I have a picture of you rummaging around in your purse, and you commented on it (on Flickr) that you were looking for Xanax, which was funny because that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking when I took the picture in the first place.

    I will totally be at #vaginapalooza10. Can’t wait. I’ll pack my extra rare Brazilian lizards.

  35. “Work that up-do! Own that ponytail!”

    and have fun!

    I’ll just have a party in my vagina!

  36. Since I spend a fair amount of time in my own bathroom anyway, I think I can join in on the locked-in-the-bathroom part of this gig 🙂 Wonder if we can all get far-viewers and enjoy each other’s bathrooms??

  37. FYI I’m going to the People Party only because your on the list of potential peoples to be there. My friends know that the bloggess makes me laugh inappropriately loudly in my cubicle at work so it was a must.
    FYI.
    But if your in the bathroom that’s coolio too,, cause that’s where I’ll need to go to poo and frankly,, I won’t be holding anything in this weekend.

  38. I’m totally down for #vaginapalooza. I won’t even bring my vagina.

    Although the white russians in the lactation lounge are intriguing also. I mean…what kind of milk will be in them, exactly?

  39. As long as you have not floundered so badly in the self-esteem quagmire that you are wearing a “Confidence Merkin,” I think all is okay in the World of Jenny’s Hair.

    Have a great time, Grand Madame. Will think vicarious vodka infused thoughts along with y’all. (I am SO Californian. I can’t ever pull off “y’all.”

  40. Spell check is always right. NOT.

    And the pony tail makes you seem all bouncy and happylike, which we all know you aren’t. Awesome. More lies. Have fun. I wish I was there and could actually meet you, and get drunk with you and hide in a bathroom stall, but alas, I must write a chemistry exam. Which is probably very similar to BlogHer, so I’ll just pretend I’m there while I figure out how to balance a chemical equation and make alcohol.

  41. You. Me. Drinking in the bathroom. Been waiting all damn year for this. I don’t have a confidence wig or ponytail… how about confidence fake eyelashes?

  42. I will totally be at the imaginary party. Will miss hanging out in the bathroom with you for real, though. 😉

    P.S. YAY FOR NO WIG! Your new haircut rocks, girl. You don’t even need the ponytail. But I appreciate the baby steps of it.

  43. I love the confidence ponytail. I need a confidence wig. Can you get them to cover your whole body? I think I’d be pretty confident as Chewbacca.

    “Chewbacca” isn’t recognized by spellcheck, so it would be shut out of the nerd-parties.
    But “spellcheck” isn’t recognized by spellcheck, so I think I love it for its complicated neediness.

  44. You make that confidence ponytail look good. I hope I get to meet you. I promise I will only slightly stalk you in the bathroom.
    Maybe more than slightly.

  45. I can’t even seem to rsvp to my own life, let alone a vagina-bathroom-poop party in NY. God, I hate how I miss out on everything…

  46. I’m one of those irresponsible people who didn’t rsvp on time so hopefully we’ll get to hang out!

    Oh, and I totally plan on pooping in the hotel room. Well, not the hotel room, exactly, but the bathroom in the hotel room. Unless I’m too drunk to make it to the bathroom.

  47. @Heather Greywolf —

    I’m pretty sure that VULVUZELAPALOOZA is when you get together with a bunch of women to party, while your vulvas make an annoyingly loud buzzing sound.

    But I could be wrong.

    (Jenny, you look amazing. Really, really.)

  48. Blogher is in NY! Wow am I late to the party news. Have you ever been to the city before? You’re going to have a great time. Make sure to take some time off (maybe out of your bathroom time? because really, the entire city is occasionally used as a bathroom. it would be like you just chose a bigger, open air bathroom) to walk around and see some sights. And if you get homesick you can walk down the block to Times Square and talk to the Naked Cowboy. Not that the naked part would make you feel like you’re at home. The y’all part would. Or maybe the naked part. I’m not judging. Really.

  49. True story: A few years ago I was trying to grow my hair out and had a couple of those ponytail deals, and I one similar to yours to a high school friend’s wedding. Fortunately, I hadn’t seen my friends in a while, so they were none the wiser about my fake ponytail. But then… while chatting with my pals, one reached out and touched the ponytail, commenting on how perfect the curl in the pony was and how she wished her hair would do that. I thanked her graciously and then reached up and unhooked the ponytail and handed it over to her. The look of horror on everyone’s faces said it all. When my friend declared she felt completely violated, I applauded myself for a job well done because, honestly, it isn’t a party until I’ve violated someone.

  50. If your clip-on ponytail was as long as you think it is you’d be half as vagina-tastic as you think you are.

    (Please tell me you get the joke. Otherwise I am not funny. At all. And I’m sorry.)

  51. Why would you need a confidence pony-tail or wig when obviously you have confidence cleavage with what appears to be a pipe from a headshop stuck between? Nothing else says, Bitch! Step off before a smoke a doobie with my boobie!

  52. Okay dude SERIOUSLY!?!? First it was the dress, and now it’s the mirror! WHAT IN THE WORLD is going on here? I have that same mirror at my place. I totally need to take a picture of me in the dress in front of the mirror and I can be like your mini me, with less hair because I’m practically bald from chemical treatments. Fuck… maybe I need a confidence ponytail 🙂 And there I went again sounding like a stalker. No Blogher for me this year, which is horrible since I’m trying to be famous and all. Next year maybe *crosses fingers*

  53. On Saturday, I’m going to the conference and I’m attending the party you’re hosting. I’ll be crushed if I don’t meet you. Crushed.

    Now I’ll have to spend the day and night haunting bathrooms. I’ll probably miss half the conference and scare people. Thanks, Jenny.

  54. furniture full of Brazilian Lizards makes me wish like nothing else that I could be there.
    Instead my daughter’s boyfriend is coming to spend the weekend with us.

    I will try for as much alone time in the bathroom as possible and will promise to tweet a fake party

  55. Love, love, love the confidence ponytail! You look positively gorgeous. But what is that clinging to your cleavage? Is that nail polish hanging upside down? Um, do you paint your nipples or something? Is that something people with boobs do? I wouldn’t know, I am a barely B. Just curious…

  56. I have a friend in Oklahoma who believes that pony tails are totally hot, but only if they are sticking out the back of a baseball hat. I like ’em either way. I couldn’t help but notice though that you seem to be trying to distract us from your confidence pony tail with your confidence cleavage, and I was wondering if this is because the confidence pony tail is weak and needs help or because, with so many grey haired geezers sporting pony tails these days, it is necessary for women to also sport cleavage in order to underscore the gender specific confidence inspiring nature of their pony tails.

  57. I will hide in the bathroom if it means I can hang out with you. I whacked my hair and totally need a fauz ponytail so I can so fun stuff with my hair again. I’m ridiculously excited about my first blogher but I get ridiculously excited about everything…including pieces of glitter.

  58. OMG I love the confidence ponytail; I need to get me one of those! In fact, you should wear exactly that, because it looks AbFab!

  59. I had to cancel my trip to NYC for BlogHer because of surgery and I’m going to San Diego in September for a wedding. I will miss seeing your beautiful face. Have a FANTABULOUS time, I hear the NY Hilton has really clean restrooms!!

  60. I’m not coming to vaginapalooza10 mostly because I don’t have a prescription for Xanax, which is exactly what it would take for me to handle all those people. There’s a reason why I have a blog, and it ain’t because I’m good in public. I’m a little sad though because I’m one of those Voice of the Year finalist thingys and I won’t even be there! Fucking anxiety disorder!

  61. Oh, I absolutely want to go to vaginapalooza 10.

    I don’t have a vagina, but you can usually rent them pretty easily at these things, right?

  62. So ummmm……I’m totally going to come up to you at Blogher when you’re in the bathroom and tell you how much I love your writing and will probably stroke your confidence ponytail and maybe offer to buy you a drink but then I’ll realize how awkward that is which will make my stomach upset and start doing the Dumb and Dumber gurgle and then I’ll be in the bathroom for a whole different reason, a reason that will ultimately kicked out of Blogher because we’re not supposed to poop.

    So ya….I’ll probably just eye you from across the room and then kick myself when I get home for not saying hi.

  63. I’m having to miss BlogHer as well this year because, well, it’s either that, or my future service puppy and fuck I hate making grownup decisions, unless they involve fluffy puppies. So I’ll be at #vaginapalooza10, although sans vagina – she’ll be hiding in the bathroom.

  64. I’m still scared to attend Vaginapalooza. I’d rather go drinking with that bad-ass drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket. He’s kind and gentle. I’m not a total pussy, though. Maybe next year.

  65. Well, if I *ever* make it to Blogher – which might compromise the whole anonymous thing….I’d totally hang out in the bathroom with you! Complete with a matching ponytail!

  66. If I were going to blogher or even into such shebangs, I’d SOOO be going to mainly meet YOU(+amalah) fangirling like-OMG it’s Bloggess,Love ur blogs, you’re funny as fuck, and if the zombie apoc came, I’d totally trust you having my back” but you’d probably be NOTHING like ur blog voice connotes + all uncool’ly bitchy (there IS the cool type of bitchy that rocks) and all catty, etc. That wud suck. So I think its best that I never meet you in real life so u stay kickass BLG in my reader mind. (Heehee;)

  67. Well, when you’re hiding in the bathroom and you hear some one sobbing/hyperventilating in a stall, don’t worry. It’s just me, completely overwhelmed by it all. Maybe I need a confidence ponytail…

  68. I love the confidence ponytail. I wish I still had enough hair for a confidence ponytail because last year I was anything but confident. I cut my ponytail off and sent it to help clean up the Gulf Oil Spill so somewhere there is a clean sea otter swimming around with a red ponytail. I hope he’s confident.

  69. I’d love to hang out and ask you what that is dangling from your cleavage (car key? memory stick??) but i have to go buy pajamas because apparently my BlogHer bed-sharer/blog partner has issues with nudity. Which is somehow funny coming from someone who has no issue with her unabashed intentions to poop up the place.

  70. It’s on for BlowHer10. 😉

    I will be looking in every bathroom in the entire hotel until I find you and hug you. Please try to pretend you at least kind of know who I am when I do, because if you look at me like I’m a freak I will probably start to cry and need to go find my own bathroom to hide in. And frankly, I just don’t think I can make that shtick work as well as you do.

  71. When is all this Blogher stuff over so we can all get on with our pathetic lives? I’m not going.. but I’m totally not bitter. No, really. I’m not.

  72. Jenny, I agree with Karen – you don’t need no stinkin’ confidence wigs! And, watch how you act at the Volstead (get it? act… Volstead… Volstead act… oh, never mind.)

    ~EdT.

  73. Watching the tweets yesterday makes me feel like everyone has gone to the prom except me. I might have to boycott Twitter until you are all home. But then you will be tweeting about how fabulous it was.

  74. I’ll be in my own bathroom, so don’t be surprised if I claim we are hanging out at a party. also, love the confidence wig, but think you should consider a hat.

  75. I’m not going to BlogHer. But you can pretend I’m there since I’m an anonymous blogger and you don’t know what I look like anyway. Just go up to everyone and say, “Are you Jules from Mean Girl Garage?” I’ll be in my bathroom pooping instead…..

  76. Yes! Thanks for the invite, I will see you at the Volstead. When is the SexIs party at the Warwick?

  77. Oh Ms Bloggess how I’ve missed you while I was comitted…um on vacation. One of these days I’ll get to meet all you gals at Blogher…I’ll bring a zombie date.

  78. Mother fucker. I tried to be the one to save you from unlucky comment number and my phone wouldn’t connect. #ATThatesthebloggess

  79. I’ll be in NY but not for BlogHer {#BigSummerPotluck} instead but I’ll be meandering around meeting people…it’s my #SurfsUp time away form the men folk at home. I might bump into you in the bathroom but I’d have to drag you out to go kick up our heels to some good music 🙂

  80. Im inviting myself to your imaginary private party bc I made your comment #s even. So there! SAFE travels!!!

    Best

    @LaLicenciada

  81. Sorry Caitlin and Ally. You just have to have no life like me and hate your job and be able to refresh twitter every 30 seconds and have TheBloggess on the speed menu. You know… like winners do. If by winners, I mean losers, which I do, because I am… but, then again, I did save Jenny’s life.

  82. Hello Awesome Jenny, Per your request, here is a fake comment, except that it is totally real. I adore your work and all the zany activities you participate in and share with us (the collective World). Write on. Kick ass at the conference if that’s what you’re supposed to do. And yes, I would be willing to share a bed with a bunch of girls if that’s what it takes to be content at the conference. Love, Jennyablue

  83. See you there! Provided I can get a new badge, that is. I left the first one on the kitchen table, and the distance between me and said table is increasing every second. Awesome.

  84. I’m betting, statistically speaking, that if only 2% of your followers heed your call, then i have a 25% likelihood of a chance to not be #123, as it appears now, but some other number, though i would argue, that even though technically 123 is odd, it also has a lovely chronology to it yes? xoxoxo

    PS do you think The Housewives of New Jersey will be there? I’d love to see that, you and the Housewives. Heh.

  85. Those of us not going can pretend to be there and you can pretend not to! It’ll totally work… or maybe that’s a giveaway then. I get those things confused.

    Love the confidence ponytail and totally agree with the person who suggested confidence sunglasses!

    BTW, never really thought about going to Blogher, but it would be worth going just to meet you, oh queen of cool! And I totally would because I seem to have a small bladder and seem to need to pee ALL THE TIME!

  86. Yay, it’s a phony tail! Wait, did somebody already call it that? I didn’t read all of the comments. I hope I’m the first. 🙂 I like it. And I need one.

  87. That’s not you in that photo, no way. I hope your vagina has a good time. The next time I host a BlogHer party, I will include dime bags with little peach pills.

  88. I’m not going to Blogher. Too busy having fun cleaning baby poop and having yogurt thrown in my face. Yay me!
    I have a fantastical idea though… how about we start a campaign called Blogheart? Everybody who is attending the Blogher conference writes one post that brings attention to a charity of some kind? Wouldn’t it be great to join our voices to make the world a better place. Just for one day?
    And since you hang out in the public bathrooms, you’d be the perfect person to publicize the campaign. Just run away of you see George Michael. He gives new meaning to the term “charitable deposit”.

  89. I would totally have been the one in the stall next to you while others were partying, had I been able to go to Blogher. And I would have shared my xanax.

  90. !You should have confidence. I’ll cruise the bathrooms keeping an eye out for you! Actually, that sounds kinda creepy. At any rate, I’ll see you tomorrow. BTW- Are you actually going to wear your red dress at some point?

  91. There is nothing worse than sharing a hotel room with someone that you don’t feel comfortable enough pooping around. Oh, and holding your poop in. That is worse. The world is going to shit.

  92. Have a good time, Jen, and don’t forget to wipe.

    I meant write.

    Whatever.

    I’m pretty sure I knew what I meant.

    . . . it ….might…have been ‘wipe’ . . . . the more I think about it. .. . .yes, that was it.
    Don’t forget to write. while you wipe.
    And vice Versace.

  93. That is SO COOL that you have made progress and now it’s just a pony tail. My mother in law has one of those too but it takes up like the whole back of her head in curls. BlogHer always creeps up on me and before I know it it’s here and I didn’t plan on going. I keep saying, “One of these days…” And one of these days you and I will meet in the real live flesh.

  94. My best friend is losing her hair due to stress or some autoimmune disease thingy. We are going to look for some wigs, which I keep insisting she has to refer to as confidence wigs, any suggestions of where we should go? She’s going for the Jessica Simpson, “except less blonde”.

  95. I am so going to be at your imaginary party, I’ll even get drunk first so you can save on the booze. Where does one buy confidence wigs? How come no one ever told me of these magical things? If I had known about these, my whole life could have been different, and by that I mean, better.

  96. I know I said I’d see you in the bathroom, and even though I’m not going, the cameras I had installed will ensure the accuracy of that statement. (As long as you look into the bowl and smile when you’re done doing… whatever… so I know it’s you. Oddly, it seems most people do that anyway. We’re weird animals. Thanks. Have a good time.)

  97. First time I read this I thought you said “continence wig”. Must have been all the talk about public bathrooms! My mind went places it shouldn’t have gone. Nuff said.

  98. So Elly Lou has the story correct and I am sticking with it. Lactation Lounge beware, I NEED your cream for my frozen mudslides..okay? Also Jenny? Your bathroom was so fucking crowded. WHO could ever pee in there?

  99. That is some gorgeous ponytail. I can’t wait to see you in person. How many people have mauled you by now? I hope you are still in one piece by the time I get to NYC ’cause originally when I bought the tickets last year before I started getting to know other people in this wonderful and sometimes scary bloggy world my intent was to meet you in person and give you a hug. That was all I wanted to do. Of course now the list of women who I want to hug and lick has gotten a lot longer but baby you are on the very top. As always. You are the girl on top.

  100. To comment #150… Dear Vapid, I believe I have solved the problem. Next year, we should just have one big giant lady’s room as the party venue so we can comfortably mob her in style and comfort. xxoo

  101. Ah, yes. I blog hop this time of year just to torture myself with all the attending parties of BlogHer. A party I’d love to go to, but simultaneously be afraid of, deathly. Afraid.

    And I would make no pretenses about pooping. That’s just not good for your body. I would, however, buy air freshener and matches while I’m there. You know, packing it so that airport security can confiscate it is so annoying that buying on site is much easier.

    I realize, though, I’ve already been missing out on a party. 153 comments? I’m happy getting 3. This could be why you’re at BlogHer and I’m at home.

  102. Fun post.

    I am not going to Blogher. Not invited. Don’t know anyone. Jealous as hell.

    Gonna sulk all weekend in stead. And if I happen to see a clown in a parking lot, run him and his big-ass shoes down. Just because…

  103. I think I might spend Blogher weekend in my bathroom, talking to you in my head. I’ll probably poop, too. And wear a wig. Maybe I should charge admission.

  104. LOL!

    “PS. I just did spell-check and it told me that “Blogher” isn’t a real word but that “#vaginapalooza10? totally was. Awesome. Spellcheck’s totally coming to the party.”

    When I read that I actually spat coffee all over myself. How very undignified of me 😛

    Thank you for the laughs!

  105. Love a girl who calls it as it is ! I’m sure BlogHer was fabulous but it is interesting how so many women can talk at one time and still not hit on what they’re really thinking inside, isn’t it?

    You might enjoy a story I’m posting online at http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com about a woman like many of us who veers down a path most can’t, don’t or won’t. Very much the “What If” tale many fantasize about. I hope you will take a peek.

    Elizabeth

  106. Since BlogHer was full when I tried to get in, I was rejected. Reminds me of Girl Scouts and FHA. So I will sit at home in Iowa, climb into the double bed with my daughters, pretend to be happy and not poop. But I will be drunk.

    I vote for Cooterpalooza. Because it is immature and has alliteration.

  107. I loved meeting you and attending your session this weekend. I really hope that you don’t take offense at the post I just put up and understand the spirit in which it was written. You seemed to be of the same mind, which is why I used you as an example. Any friend of Flutter is a friend of mine.

  108. My kid just went in my bathroom closet and screamed then stomped on my confidence ponytail.. I had to stop him he said he thought it was rat. So glad he was attacked by the pony tail before he found bob ( battery operated buddies). Still I am pretty sure he will only date bald chicks when he grows up cause it really freaked him out and I am not paying for another kid to go through therapy.

  109. It was so awesome meeting you Jenny! I had a wonderful time and BlogHer and had i known the serenity suite was on the same floor as the metamucil peeps (you know, cuz we all need a lil regularity) I would not have screamed Wolverines! down the hallway… at least i kept it together at #vaginapalooza10!

  110. I RSVPd to the People’s Party and then totally wussed out.

    Oh, the shame. And then, of course, I blogged about it because I’d hang my shame out for everyone to see in exchange for a few sympathetic comments.

    However, I have a solution. Offer the free booze an hour BEFORE the party, down in the lobby. Or maybe in the bathrooms where people are hiding.

    I think it’s a recipe for success! More people will be brave enough to go in. Plus – bonus – because of the booze we will all sing and dance much better than before! Yay!!!

    ps Hiding in the bathroom is hard for me because I worry people will recognize my shoes. But sometimes, what choice does one have, right?

  111. I went to the bathroom shortly after arriving at the People’s Party only to be confronted by a man in the “lounge” area of the bathroom. I thought “wow” – the Hilton’s bathroom is co-ed YO! But then I heard that it was actually the Bloggess gathering area. So, therefore I can attest to the fact that you hang in the bathroom.

  112. I can look at any photo, but unless you actually look at it is so breath taking. Good post and will for sure share your site. Thanks for the thought.

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