Yes. I know that I’ve continued to shut you down by ignoring you, installing a spam filter, asking to be taken off your list and informing you that my name is actually not “Mr. Jenny the Bloggess” but you wouldn’t quit. You were tenacious and determined and so absolutely certain that I didn’t have what it took to “satisfy my woman in the sack”. And you know what? You are totally right. I don’t even have a woman. Or a sack. That’s how much you’ve nailed me. You are the quintessential Can-I-have-your-number guy who refused to back down and so finally I realized that there must be some sort of cosmic reason that you’re badgering me and that’s when I broke down and bought the damn viagra.
And it has done nothing to my penis.
In fact? My penis is completely missing. Gone. Sure, some people might claim that it never existed at all since I’m a girl but that wouldn’t make sense because then why would I keep getting viagra ads? THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. Clearly the viagra was working as I slept, I grew a penis large enough to “impale her with my furious lap rocket” (as you promised) and then it fell off. Or disintegrated like a vampire in the sun. I’m not really sure. All I know is that the enormous penis that I paid for is MIA and that happened directly after I started taking your medication so I think it’s pretty obvious that viagra causes penises to fall off. Way to go, asshole.
I have mixed emotions about my penis falling off since it apparently fell off before I could ever try it out but according to the thousands of emails you’ve sent me, a “throbbing cock-a-sorus rex is the only real reason for living” and so that’s why I have no choice but to sue you for $86.4 million.
On the other hand, I am standing extremely erect today and I’m not sure if that’s a side-effect of your drug but I’m willing to knock off the $.4 million because good posture is important. Except that I just realized that maybe the only reason that I’m standing up so straight is from the lack of my giant missing penis weighing me down and now everyone on the street can probably tell that I’m missing a penis just by my posture alone. Wait. Hold on. Let me check with the neighbors.
Okay, I’m back. I asked if they could tell that I don’t have a penis and they were all “Um..of course” and then I started crying and they looked at me weird and shut the door quickly and I can only assume that’s because they were so appalled by my new deformity. AWESOME, VIAGRA. NOW I CAN’T EVEN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT PEOPLE NOTICING THAT YOU MADE MY PENIS FALL OFF. I’m like the fucking Elephant Man now. Except that he had a penis. So technically? I’m worse.
Please send me the $86.4 million immediately to my paypal address. And I know you have it because it’s the one you keep spamming. Also, please add an additional $10k for pain and suffering for every thoughtless “Turn-your-sad-Rumpleforeskin-into-an-angry-Thor’s-Hammer” email that you continue to send me. You’re. not. helping.
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.