An open letter to spammers

Dear guy-that-keeps-sending-me-multiple-viagra-emails-every-single-day-of-my-life:

Yes. I know that I’ve continued to shut you down by ignoring you, installing a spam filter, asking to be taken off your list and informing you that my name is actually not “Mr. Jenny the Bloggess” but you wouldn’t quit.  You were tenacious and determined and so absolutely certain that I didn’t have what it took to “satisfy my woman in the sack”.  And you know what?  You are totally right. I don’t even have a woman.  Or a sack. That’s how much you’ve nailed me. You are the quintessential Can-I-have-your-number guy who refused to back down and so finally I realized that there must be some sort of cosmic reason that you’re badgering me and that’s when I broke down and bought the damn viagra.

And it has done nothing to my penis.

In fact? My penis is completely missing.  Gone. Sure, some people might claim that it never existed at all since I’m a girl but that wouldn’t make sense because then why would I keep getting viagra ads?  THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.  Clearly the viagra was working as I slept, I grew a penis large enough to “impale her with my furious lap rocket” (as you promised) and then it fell off.  Or disintegrated like a vampire in the sun.  I’m not really sure.  All I know is that the enormous penis that I paid for is MIA and that happened directly after I started taking your medication so I think it’s pretty obvious that viagra causes penises to fall off.  Way to go, asshole.

I have mixed emotions about my penis falling off since it apparently fell off before I could ever try it out but according to the thousands of emails you’ve sent me, a “throbbing cock-a-sorus rex is the only real reason for living” and so that’s why I have no choice but to sue you for $86.4 million.

On the other hand, I am standing extremely erect today and I’m not sure if that’s a side-effect of your drug but I’m willing to knock off the $.4 million because good posture is important.  Except that I just realized that maybe the only reason that I’m standing up so straight is from the lack of my giant missing penis weighing me down and now everyone on the street can probably tell that I’m missing a penis just by my posture alone.  Wait.  Hold on.  Let me check with the neighbors.

Okay, I’m back.  I asked if they could tell that I don’t have a penis and they were all “Um..of course” and then I started crying and they looked at me weird and shut the door quickly and I can only assume that’s because they were so appalled by my new deformity.  AWESOME, VIAGRA.  NOW I CAN’T EVEN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT PEOPLE NOTICING THAT YOU MADE MY PENIS FALL OFF.  I’m like the fucking Elephant Man now.  Except that he had a penis.  So technically?  I’m worse.

Please send me the $86.4 million immediately to my paypal address.  And I know you have it because it’s the one you keep spamming.  Also, please add an additional $10k for pain and suffering for every thoughtless “Turn-your-sad-Rumpleforeskin-into-an-angry-Thor’s-Hammer” email that you continue to send me.  You’re. not. helping.

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

~Jenny


147 replies. read them below or add one

  1. BRAVO! Can we make it a class action suit? I am also missing my penis.

  2. I would love to take your case, because a chance at 1/3 of $86.401 Million is worth the sanctions I’d get for wasting the court’s time. And, the likelihood of our winning is higher than the odds of winning the GA lottery.

    muskrat recently posted fuck you- prospective home buyers.

  3. Sometimes I wonder how that shit gets into your mailbox… I mean how do they even GET your email address…

  4. Can you tell his cousin, the prince from South Africa that I don’t have an extra $25,000 laying around the house while you’re at it? He just isn’t taking the hint either. I hope the Viagra guy pays off, cause that’s one low blow.

    Amanda recently posted Holiday From Real.

  5. This needs to be a class action suite because my penis is gone too.

  6. MY penis is missing, too! Those fucks! Maybe we should make this a class-action suit…

    Ellie Di recently posted The Big Decision.

  7. Never realized before that I could call my penis a ‘furious lap rocket.’

    Although, that DOES explain the burning sensation down there.

    moooooog35 recently posted Twix or Tweets - Teenage Gandhi Edition.

  8. My penis had a similar problem. In fact, it’s off somewhere tingling at the thought of being so erect and powerful. Sadly, that Viagra didn’t do everything it promised and those emails sting every single time I read them.

    kateanon recently posted the world spins.

  9. “throbbing cock-a-sorus rex is the only real reason for living” BWWAAAHHAAA – You just *know* a man wrote that.
    He should meet all the women from BFE that spam me marriage proposals everyday… they are all of course exiled princesses .. they would be a match made in heaven.

    Holly B recently posted Freaky People and The Shit They Search For.

  10. Absolutely brilliant…!!! Well done..I laughed outloud!!

  11. Can we get in on some kind of class action thing? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same results. This suit could be HUGE, man! Unlike my non-existent penis.

    Amber recently posted Fair!.

  12. My husband plays this game called “Let’s sign up for all this useless shit and use my wife’s e-mail address” and so I get offers from Crown Royal and Marlboro (tells you what kinda guy I hitched my wagon to, right?). I don’t get viagra, but I think that’s because I’m about to become rich from that military guy who found millions of dollars in IraqKuwaitistan. All I need to do is send him my bank information and social and I’ll be filthy fucking rich.

    Which I guess is okay because once I’m rich, I can buy my viagra and other recreational drugs the same way that Paris Hilton and T.I do. But hopefully, I’ll be smart enough not to get busted by the cops.

    briya recently posted A post about my husband- drunk sex and a missing cat.

  13. Thanks for saving my didn’t have one yet penis from harm you are a HUGE public service to us gals

    habanerogal recently posted A year ago.

  14. The other day, I was at the zoo, and there was a poster of a sea-turtle wearing flip-flops and holding up a giant blue Viagra pill. And the caption said “¡Mis jeuvos no son la solucion!” Which means “My eggs aren’t the solution.”….. or another translation could be “My balls aren’t the solution.” Which, kind of makes more sense. And also made my whole family laugh until we peed our pants. Ok, maybe only *I* peed my pants, but I do that all the time, so it’s really not that big a deal. Ok? Sheesh. Let it go…. Anyway…Did you even know that turtle eggs are boner makers? I had no idea.

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted A Letter to the Very Worst Missionaryfrom the Very Best.

  15. omg that was great…and I’d never seen that MadTV skit. very accurate heh

  16. Maybe, just maybe, you have what has previously been called a ‘detachable penis’. Therefore you haven’t really lost it, it’s just on vacation with out you. I mean, if it’s rocket powered, it has it’s own transportation system. It could be in Tahiti drinking Mai Tais on your dime. I think you should include the cost of a wandering penis in your law suit. You KNOW what kind of bills can be wracked up in Tahiti…

  17. “…and if you just put that $86.2 million into this particular bank account in Nigeria, I will send my next of kin to pick it up immediately…”

    This just seriously made me laugh my ass off in my cube. I think “impale her with my furious lap rocket” was my favorite part.

  18. I feel cheated. I have a penis, and no one has ever called it a “pulsating man missile” or a “rampant anaconda of pleasure.” Which it totally is.

  19. Sadly this guy didn’t find me, but the CANADIAN viagra guys hacked my e-mail and sent a little note to my entire address book. So now my parents and the school principal can now purchase Canadian Viagra because I recommended this super cheap penis juice. Which makes me think, what exactly is Canadian Viagra? I mean does it come with a free set of those cool Olympic mittens as a free gift with purchase? I would total love that so I could cover my enormous man snake, except mine must have fallen off as well. Or better yet, is it like a really really polite Viagra that makes you say things like “Pardon me, do you mind if I poke you in the girl bits, eh?” Your Viagra sounds a little more raw, and must work better than mine. I have seen nothing going on down in my nether regions.

    Coastal Chick recently posted I’m the featured blogger today at Endless Beauty.

  20. No penis envy here. At least we can fake it without viagra.

    Kristin recently posted recovering ramona 26.

  21. Thank you for writing this, Jenny. I was afraid that it was just me, and kept repressing and internalizing my feelings of shame and embarrassment, unwilling to open up and talk about what was paining me… what was always living at the back of my mind… what was hurting me more and more every day… sorry, it’s still hard for me to talk about it–

    But you’ve helped, so much. By opening up about your own experiences, I can now open up about mine! I can stand up and tell the world: “Viagra has stolen my penis that I didn’t even know I had. It promised me (hang on, gotta check my email, ah, yes!) ‘hulking manhood,’ but I am penisless.”

    Thank you for giving me the courage, Jenny, to confirm to the world that I am (have you heard of this word, Viagra?) FEMALE!

  22. Glad to hear that you’re terrifying the new neighbors too. They need to know what they’re in for. Rock on.

  23. Are you sure it fell off or disintegrated? Because somehow stealing someone’s penis sounds ike JUST the sort of shit zombies would get up to as a trial-run before the final invasion.

    This issue is larger than one missing penis, y’all.

    Tzipporah recently posted Goody bags! Its just like a birthday party! Sort of.

  24. That’s the jizz of it.

    Jax recently posted I Went to Bed with my Boyfriend and Woke up with Dylan Moran.

  25. just a thought. Maybe the viagra is what caused the kidney infection. I think you should up the asking price to a cool $100,000,000. Cause that shit is wrong. On second thought, maybe you ought to ask the viagra guy if he can score some Xanex?

  26. I wish your spammer could have at least spelled cock-a-saurus right. Some things are just inexcusable.

    Gen recently posted This Tiger Should Totally Be Fired.

  27. I don’t think my penis has EVER been “furious”. What do they have to get angry about?!

    But it’s worth mentioning that Mormon Vampire Penises don’t burn up in the sunlight, they just sparkle. Also, they make for an awesome band name.

  28. So you decided to add the .4 back on then?? You know, once your neighbors made you aware of your obvious new shortcomings? No pun intended….

    Just I read you were going to take it off (the .4) but then at the end it was back on. Like a detachable penis. Which is a song. No actually. It’s a REAL. SONG. And pretty funny at that.

    But I digress…

    HM

    Hamlet's Mistress recently posted Finding focus… in a blurry blog.

  29. And I’ve been getting a bunch of breast-implant spams lately.

    Hey! I don’t suppose you’d want to trade, would you?

  30. Those people make you feel insecure about your missing penis too? Thank god, I thought I was the ONLY one. It’s even weirder for me because I’ve never even seen a penis in real life. So I assumed that the viagra would just enhance what was already, y’know, down there. Did not work. I’m also filing a suit.

    Emma recently posted Lend me £75 In return- BADASSNESS.

  31. I hate that guy. I moved and changed my phone number, but HE KEEPS FINDING ME.

    Probably I should change my email, too.

    Keely recently posted Ill be nudging myself into traffic soon Think of the STATS!.

  32. I wish I had a ‘Thor Hammer’. Takes penis envy to a whole new level.

    Kendahl recently posted Wordless Wednesday- Wanna See Something Cute.

  33. viagra’s new tagline: cock a sore R us

    pattypunker recently posted gettin my shop on.

  34. OMG, this is completely awesome.

    Windsor Grace recently posted Day 2.

  35. 35
    Procrastinateher

    It’s okay, my non-penis isn’t big, hard or satisfying enough for my non-existent partner either according to all my email junk boxes – even my university email says so! 🙁

    Your story about your penis falling off reminded me of the song “Detachable Penis” (I don’t remember who sings it).

    And that made me remember that if you want a penis that is really big and hard and such, would the best way be to buy some enormous strap-on fake penis? Except yeah, that scares me too. But so do all the spammers saying my vagina isn’t a very good penis. I KNOW.

  36. @HM

    The only reason I know about the Detachable Penis song is from Beavis and Butthead. True story.

  37. This sounds like the time when they said Lady Gaga had a penis and she said she was insulted on behalf of her wonderful vagina. I have neither a penis NOR a questionable Lady Gaga vagina but I DO understand about the viagra spam. I get viagra spam AND google earth spam.

    I think it’s Google’s sexist way of saying those with a penis have no sense of ‘direction’.
    Son of a…

    P.S. You DO realise this means more traffic pointing towards your blog via a search on Viagra right? (No pun intended)

  38. Did the V on your Viagra look like someone scratched half a W off? Mine did! Now my penis is missing AND my testicles are inverted!!! Also, I could be wrong, but I think my ball sack split in two and is hiding on my elbows where they can only be seen if I extend my arms.

    Could I get the number for your lawyer?

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted NSFW Flashback Friday! – The Origin of Krazy Kev.

  39. ‘detachable penis’ is a song by king missile. and it’s pretty effing funny.

    i also have no penis. but that’s by choice. i spam those fuckers back with links to two girls, one cup reaction videos. and links to my blog. and links to funny pictures of cats.

    steph gas recently posted whos a cute little college student.

  40. Sometimes I think being famous isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Hope you’re feeling better kiddo.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted I’m talking about sex here….

  41. I used to get breast enhancement emails in the same amount as I did penis enlargement emails, with the other ones mixed in too, but the breast enhancement ones stopped a few years back.
    I feel that either I’ve put on too much weight since then or that there are rumors about my manhood on the internet!
    I mean, I don’t get the mail order steak spam (emails, not spam made from steak) anymore. Do they think I’m not man enough for steak now? What are these rumors saying about me?! I’m a good person, I don’t deserve this sort of Internet bullying behind my back!
    I was depressed about this but luckily I was sent lots of links to get cheap meds! YAY!

  42. Is it odd that I get a little turned on when you talk about your penis?

    – Confused in ATL

    MayoPie recently posted Ten Reasons Why Jason Mayo is better than I am.

  43. I applaud your courage. Standing up to the entire world and admitting that your penis fell off must not be easy. I also suggest taking “before and after” pictures…wait, that’s creepy. Scratch that. No, don’t scratch that – THAT!

    @lena_fm recently posted Words behind words.

  44. “furious lap rocket”

    I’m using that from now on.

  45. “Cock-a-saurus Rex”

    zee. Oh. My. Ghod. Earlier today, I was trying to think of a name for the men that tend to think with “their other brain”. Then, I find it here.

    Jenny, you are better than Wikepedia. In fact, we should just rename the entire Internet to “the Bloggess”.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted The Honour Is Mine Or Not.

  46. Dammit! I’m always late to the party! Muskrat, I think you need co-counsel.

    Rachel recently posted Somethings been bugging me.

  47. **sigh** I get those things, too. BUT, BUT…it says they are coming from my own email address!!! I can’t yell at them even I wanted to or I’d end up sending myself hate mail. So someone masquerading as me is sending this shit out. Gaslighting. That’s what it is. Trying to make me believe I have a male doppelganger out there with erectile dysfunction. I want in on the law suit.

  48. I have a metaphorical penis, which I frequently invite people who are pissing me off to suck. But I am sure I don’t need Viagra or Enzyte because my metaphorical Boxer Monster is huge and throbbing. Which is why I told the asshat who cut me off in order to steal the parking space I was waiting for to suck my immense and turgid metaphorical dick. Which is why my daughter repeated it to her kindergarten teacher. Which is why I have yet another parent-teacher conference in less than two weeks. Is it my fault my daughter’s a parrot? No. But I bet they try to give me metaphorical Viagra to make my metaphorical penis fall off so I can’t tell people to suck it anymore. They are clearly trying to oppress me. I’m calling my metaphorical lawyer.

    Betty Fokker recently posted The Fat-Hate Zombie is eating men’s brains too.

  49. lol…..

    same with me..

    Bella recently posted no mercy.

  50. Hahaha!

    “Turn-your-sad-Rumpleforeskin-into-an-angry-Thor’s-Hammer” is my new safe word. For realz.

    bschooled recently posted Because reading is fun! Unless you can’t.

  51. OMG absolutely brilliant! Furious lap rocket of Cock-a-saurus Rex!

    Danita recently posted WTF – Wet your pants laughing… and save em for later!.

  52. This is why I love you.

    I just checked my spam folder, and I actually have about 27 Billion dollars coming to me from the estates of a lot of people I never heard of, and a bunch of contests I never entered, so this is your lucky day. When I get that money, I’ll pay for your lawyer. We’re going to take these assholes DOWN!

    Barbara recently posted There’s a good reason for that.

  53. –>I would love to put my husband’s EX-wife on the same spam email list you’re on.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Flashback Friday Part 69 - I Think I Married Rambo.

  54. If you didn’t send that to them, you REALLY should. Because if they respond you will get a whole new blog posting out of it. And I really want to read it.
    Thanks again for making my day.

  55. HAHA!! I hate all the horrible spam e-mails…. I’ve never understood why they still exist? There must be people out there that actually get sucked in by them…..

    Kelly recently posted Ten On Tuesday.

  56. Also – Very sorry for the loss of your giant penis…. I know these words don’t mean much at this time, but maybe some day they can help bring you peace…. 😉

    Kelly recently posted Ten On Tuesday.

  57. I think being “imapled” by a “furious lap rocket” is just about the least effective innuendo I’ve ever seen in my life. At least, when I read it, there is nothing in my head that says “wow, that sounds like it would be WICKED fun!” And my head thinks things are Wicked Fun a lot, because I’m from Massachusetts. So I wouldn’t trust them at all.

    Edana recently posted THIS JUST IN- I love panko!.

  58. BAHAHAHA! “furious lap rocket”?? genius, woman, genius. totally calling my part time lover that now. hope he likes his new nickname, ’cause it’s gonna stick. get it? stick? hrm, nevermind.

    andygirl recently posted Indubitably Foul.

  59. God, your’s fell off. At least they only taunt me about being flacid.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Badges We Don’t Need No Stinking Badges.

  60. I need better posture…I wonder how difficult it would be to try to add my name to that spam list. Interesting thought.

    LookieLou, @TPPCtv, Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted TPPCtv Community Picture of the Day-Singing Rescued Baby Possum.

  61. The good news is I think I’ve found your missing penis. The bad news is it seems to have got a job at my company as my boss.

    kyknoord recently posted Is “nomination” LOLspeak for “digestion”.

  62. Hey, maybe that’s where the name “Viagra” came from because “vagina” and “viagra” both start with “v”, have a “g” and and “a” inside and end with an “a”! I bet the drug companies have known about this all along!

    Jami recently posted Totally inappropriate Youve been warned!.

  63. PS: feel free to send photos of kittens or whatever to these loving folks who want to maximize your masculinity…

  64. I cannot believe you just posted this. Yesterday, I posted a letter to MY spammers. I guess we’re sick of them at the same time.

    http://theresamilstein.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-my-spammers.html

    Of course, yours is funnier.

  65. Wait. Out in the garage is a box labeled “furious lap rockets”. I thought they were fireworks. I’m SO disappointed…

  66. I am for Viagra, I am happy to receive message. We don’t need to know each other for many years before your acceptance to be my good friend and with God/Allah we have to trust each other. My name is Prince Mustafa Salim Andan, and I have good faith that you will prosper from relationship. I must put $100 million in your bank account to assure transfer of funds. You may keep the $86 million you asking for, please give your bank information immediate for transaction for Viagra pain and suffering. Sorry about your missed penile.

    (or something like that)

    J.See recently posted Henceforth he will be known as DGlov.

  67. I’m gonna just throw this out there… if the viagra ever does work on your penis… let’s have a sword fight.

    not furiousball, someone completely sexier recently posted pizza- Phillies- and phriends.

  68. Does Victor know that your Penis is missing – Does he know that you even had a penis?

  69. Jenny…
    Oh. My. God. I am new to your site. Yes, I admit that I’ve been hiding under a rock in suburban America for the past several years; ok, perhaps it’s more a pile of 13 year old diapers than a rock, but I digress.
    I fucking love you. You are my new hero and I thank you for introducing me to the term “douche-canoe” and helping me discover that I’ve also lost my penis. My balls on the other hand…now, those, I’m finally pulling out of the dirt and using. Thanks for helping me laugh until I piss myself as I once again learn to stand. Bloggess bless you all!!! 😀

    Brandi recently posted When I grow up.

  70. I used to reply to all of the nice foreigners that wanted my help getting their money to me. I think I will take that up again since I get about 5 a day. This might be fun.

    Rox recently posted Funky.

  71. I’d want a box of penises. Or is it penii? What’s the plural?

    califmom recently posted Stealing Pieces.

  72. And yet another reason I keep my penis in my dresser drawer.

    Look at it this way, if someone ever tells you to “fuck yourself”, you can burst out in tears saying, “I can’t!! My penis fell off!!” and then sue them, also, for emotional distress.

  73. A) I am so using cockasaurus rex tonight…
    B) can you include the folks who keep emailing facebook friends telling them I got robbed (AT GUNPOINT!) and need money?
    C) So I assume viagra doesn’t work for clitoris(es) clitorii… meh

    Scottsdale Girl recently posted Please register to view this blog….

  74. I think the same thing happened to Freddie Mercury – and now I’m going to hell.

  75. I’m so glad Betty Fokker used the word “turgid” when referring to her metaphorical tumescence. I actually got in trouble for explaining the word “turgid” to a high school class because their text happened to mention “turgid writing.” I’ll never explain anything worthwhile to children again as long as I live.

    Fred Miller recently posted A Whole Lotta Fugue-ing Goin’ On.

  76. Ah, this post totally explains your ridonkulously girnomous big hands!

    *FlashBulb!*

    cagey recently posted Jesus is totally the Don Draper of Death.

  77. still don’t have that xanax yet huh?

    but the next time my hubby is having a shitty day because his boss is a pompous twat, you’d better believe i’ll be talking about his cock a sorus rex and furious lap rocket to make him feel better. make sure the next time you see that viagra asshat in court that he made my marriage better. hell he may even be my hubby’s boss. stranger things have happened, as seen on this blog

  78. I think we all need to form a support group.

    melistress recently posted First and Last.

  79. I don’t know what I’d do without my purple helmeted warrior of love. Wait, I meant to say, “I don’t know what I did with my purple helmeted warrior of love.” Did your penis run off with my penis and now they’re off jumping over the moon or something? The hell, Jenny! I wasn’t done with that!

    Elly Lou recently posted Iron Uke.

  80. Jenny, did you ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, they WANT your burgeoning genital godzilla to fall off in the night so they can collect it and sell it on the same black market for which your hooker-excised kidney was destined? Yes, those emails are a scam, but not for reasons you might think. It’s a scam because it WORKS, and they are using your body as a dick farm. You fell right into their trap.

    Katie recently posted A Public Service Announcement.

  81. Stop…I can’t breathe and it hurts…“throbbing cock-a-sorus rex is the only real reason for living”…stop…

    LibraryGirl62 recently posted Dead Mans Float.

  82. I have a penis and I haven’t received that kind of spam for some time now. Should I feel inadequate because they think I don’t have a penis? Or should I feel awesome because it’s a monster rocket and takes off on command? I’m just not sure anymore. Also, I’ve won the UK Lottery about 20 times now and I think I’ll use my winnings to invest in Vagisil or something, since there might be a few men out there with vaginas that need to be taken care of.

  83. And this is why I love you

  84. You are a brave woman. So brave that I too will come out with my story. The same thing happened to me. One day I was tired of not being able to SEE the penis I supposedly had so I purchased the “penile enhancements” so generously offered to me. Not only was there no growth but it became instantly obvious that they were trying to kill me. Banana flavored chewable penile enhancements. IM ALLERGIC TO BANANAS!!! Or enhancements. Or penises.
    One of them made me bleed ‘down there’ and it is horrible!!!!

    Beausaphine recently posted I like to pretend I’m french.

  85. I love it when I get both viagra and breast enlargement spam to the same email account, and I buy the hell out of both of them because… you never know when you’re going to need them.

    Pete recently posted Cleveland Rocks!.

  86. Thank heavens that if your penis had to fall off, that it did so sometime while you were sleeping. I mean, think of the further suffering you would have to endure if you were out and about and you sneezed, and Oopsie daisy…Victor really won’t be able to shop at Walgreens anymore. You may want to pick up some super glue when you get your prescription filled.

    sadira recently posted Seattle - Day 3 - Driving.

  87. I think I can hire us a lawyer for a class action suit once I get the money I won from the Microsoft European Email Lottery that I won.

    I get mail for Cialis, which is related to Viagra and I, too, am very concerned that my now non-existent penis is not producing “massive volumes of ejaculate”.

    We’ll all feel better after my $396 percocet gets delivered by the busty brunette courier (Plus 4 Super Potent Viagra Pills – FREE!!)

    msdarkstar recently posted Thursday Thunks and Random Rambling.

  88. “…impale her with your furious lap rocket…” <if that's not Viagra's company slogan, then clearly they're not doing something right. Would also like in on this class action suit.

    Signed,

    Missing my member In Denver (okay, I don't actually live in Denver, but it sounded better than Hoboken, NJ)

    Charlotte recently posted hit me with music.

  89. As a gay gal, I’ve been trying hard to snare a woman to satisfy her in the sack. But now I realize I have not been trying hard enough. Not hard enough at all.

    alonewithcats recently posted My cervix isn’t in my neck Although now I’m not so sure.

  90. They keep offering to give me my missing inches back. Seriously, guys—you can keep ’em.

    Victoria Mixon recently posted Interviewing Chuck Sambuchino of Writers Digest.

  91. My penis is also missing, but I’ve still got balls. *zing!*

    Dani recently posted Sometimes the Cruelest Jokes Are the Accidental Ones.

  92. I wish all the spammers would just band together and leave one comprehensive message.. there is, after all, strength in numbers and perhaps if they worked together they could accomplish more…

    It could go something like this:

    Hey dude! Really nice article and some great info here that I can use. After my girlfriend broke up with me I uploaded naked pictures of her. And since she left me for the Russian mafia, they are now holding me prisoner and I’m being forced to consume non-stop Viagra & watch the Carrie Prejean sex video. They subject me to penis enlargement daily and they also make me play in online casinos. Please tell me how to subscribe and keep up the good work!

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted Aversion Therapy.

  93. Do you think they ever get any meaningful sales from this spam? I guess they must or they wouldn’t do it. Which begs the question, who is the spammier, the spammer or the spammed.

    Alison Golden recently posted 10 Things You Don’t Know About My Mom But Probably Should By Sebastian- Aged 10½.

  94. Unlike the Elephant man, though, I think you still have more of a chance at getting laid…

    Rachel recently posted Are you confused Me too.

  95. 96
    Aviva Mohilner

    I can’t help but wonder who writes the copy… Is he a horny 22-year old? A lonely, also horny retiree? Does he have a girlfriend? What would his mother think? Is he related to a Nigerian prince? When your lawyer speaks with him, could you have him/her ask?

  96. Wait. You have neighbors close enough to go ask something on a whim?

    I feel so deceived. I thought you said you moved out to the *country*.

  97. Sadly, my heat seeking missile has also gone missing. If you get a response from the fellow, please share. 🙂

  98. Maybe he knows the Nigerian Prince that owes me 1 million dollars. I helped bail that son of a bitch out when he needed my social security number and credit card information but then he never came through with the money.

    Maybe we can sue together.

    Sara @ Tedious Life recently posted Friday Flips 9-3- Me on TV!.

  99. 100
    doug richardson

    You just get better & better at this.

  100. Aw, that was a tough way to get closer to your new neighbours 🙁
    Hugs….

  101. Omg, I fucking love you.
    Sorry to hear about your missing lap rocket, though.

    Lex recently posted Somnambulist.

  102. I think you may be jumping to conclusions here. I’m sorry to say this, but frankly, your penis seems to have some rage issues. It’s been described an angry Thor’s Hammer and a furious lap rocket, and apparently there is someone, somewhere, that it wants to impale. My guess is that it’s on some sort of rampage. Please, please try to find it and enroll it in an anger management program before it’s too late.

    Laura recently posted When Memes Collide- Unfortunate Pairings from Catroulette.

  103. How did you know that the Elephant Man had a penis? You, miss, are very wise and scare me just the same.

  104. When my latest MRI form asked about my ‘prosthetic penis’ I really didn’t know how to feel. Had my post marriage apathy towards my appearance left me looking more lady boy than lady of the night? Should I buy a push up bra or put on some more lippy? Was it a hint that it really was time to bleach my lady moustache? I feel a bit better now knowing that the owner of such spectacular womanly boobage is being offered viagra for their Raging Rajah.

    Rusty Hoe recently posted My Boob Is A Garden.

  105. You know, if someone’s offering cheap viagra you should take it and start re-distributing it like some sort of boner pill Godfather.

    Jacob recently posted Panel Of The Week.

  106. Maybe what they don’t tell you is that it’s a detachable penis. You know, like the song. It’s probably laying on a blanket somewhere being sold with other fine goods and wares by a street vendor.

    salwa recently posted This Is How We Do It.

  107. Instead of suing them, you should offer a testimonial on how well their product worked for you! You had zero inches before and zero inches now. Conveniently, 0/0 is pretty much whatever you want it to be. Naturally, I’ll expect a 10% cut of your take…

  108. Sorry about your penis.

    Jules recently posted Who is Smarter- My Neighbor or His Dog.

  109. I totally see what happened here. My weight loss spam must have gotten mixed up with your Viagra spam because you don’t have a penis and I’ve had to buy larger pants.

    Coincidence?

    I don’t think so.

    Thanks for nothing, jerkface spammers. Now everyone is miserable.

    GuiltySquid recently posted I’m not sure anyone will think this is funny but me- A letter I sent to Steve Jobs- just before I got my new iPhone a day early.

  110. P.S. Seeing my “GuiltySquid’s last blog” on my comment makes it seem like THE END. which makes me giggle everytime. I don’t have a clue why that is, but it’s probably because I’m immature and riddled with issues. It can’t be helped. Neither can my need to inappropriately overshare, apparently.

    GuiltySquid recently posted I’m not sure anyone will think this is funny but me- A letter I sent to Steve Jobs- just before I got my new iPhone a day early.

  111. I’m very sorry for your loss. 😉

    Kyla recently posted A Day in the Life- Pediatrician Edition.

  112. MAYBE this has something to do with the time you dressed up all those dildos in costumes and YOUR penis got really jealous that your never dressed it up and took it out do it finally just had enough and left you for someone who would dress it up and take it out….I’m just sayin’…

  113. Excellent. I would like it if you would write a letter to the people who keep insisting that I should meet all of the black single christian ladies in my surrounding area. I’m sure they’re lovely women, but I doubt that I am even remotely close to what they have in mind for a future relationship.

    Just a hunch.

    tracey recently posted I choose to call them Creative.

  114. Brilliant

    Jon Kenna recently posted A Bite at the Museum.

  115. *checks spam folder* WTF? I have emails from *myself* promoting “V|AGRA ® Official Seller -97%”

    Why -97%? Does that mean I mostly *buy* the stuff? Oh, well. If you’ve got any left over, I suppose I should take it off your hands.

    Cue new torrent of spam emails, sigh.

    Mr Farty recently posted New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs.

  116. I too have been apparently spamming my own inbox with self deprecating reminders that
    I’ll forever be inadequate… never big enough for myself, never hard and throbbing enough to plunge into my own velvety darkness.

    This is why I drink.

    Jennifer June recently posted Summer Bunting Giveaway!.

  117. A strap on cost less than those pills and has fewer side effects. Of course from time to time it can fall off.

  118. My very favourite spam (not that I read them any more – although perhaps I should, just for the awesome euphamisms) was “surprise your partner – enlarge your penis!”. I can tell you, he would have been extremely surprised had I managed that.
    Although, now I’m wondering … if I had done it would we even know? Y’know, if it had wandered off during the night…?
    This post (and the comments) might be one of my all-time-favourites, btw.

  119. Throbbing lap rocket! Sounds like astrogeologist porn! It’s a whole new genre!

    Kathleen recently posted Dinner Tonight- Lazy Day Pasta.

  120. Class Action like a mofo, I too am missing a penis, even tho i have one.

  121. Probably you have such awesome stature because you are now a tripod.

    Green V-Neck recently posted Word to the wise.

  122. FUCK I HATE SPAM

    Jackayyy recently posted Weed is Addictive.

  123. Will it replace the batteries on the one I DO have? Because AA’s are damn expensive.

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted Im Not Just A Rare Disease Mom Anymore.

  124. What I don’t get is that these folks always seem intent on not only giving you a gargantuan penis, but one that’s constantly pissed off – note the descriptors: FURIOUS lap rocket, ANGRY Thor’s Hammer, HEATED man-missile. When did having a Willy Johnson that’s irate become attractive?

    I might add that my own Hoodilly Wangdoodle is seldom livid, and my lady likes it just fine.

    MonkeyKurt recently posted Florida- Part 3.

  125. And all God’s people said, “Amen.”

    Jamie recently posted Musings about Mornings….

  126. Dude. Viagra totally makes your penis fall off, and then you have to go back to the medical community for some sort of replacement. It’s a conspiracy.

    Amber’s Last Blog
    Chaos In a Bottle

  127. Fuck viagra….. that’s for losers.

    I have just earned $25 million dollars from my new found Nigerian friend, and I am going to retire to the Bahamas… so long suckers……………..

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Caption competition - come and have a go!.

  128. I used to get *his* (it’s?) spam emails all the time, and then *poof* it stopped. WTH? Doesn’t he think I need my viagra anymore? My dong disappeared too! (kidding! I never had one-please do not come back!!)

    Lisa recently posted JA Henckels Pro S updated Wed Aug 18 2010 11-26 am CDT.

  129. It’s okay. I’ll share some of my UK lottery winnings – I get about 2 million pounds a day, I just need to get off my lazy ass and claim it.

    Michelle recently posted Splinter.

  130. Don’t forget those wonder pills can also give a lady a beard ZZ Top would be proud of.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Paninis- good to eat To be one Not so much.

  131. Yea I don’t know how those spammers get your email address in the first place and you can’t unsubscribe from them either lol.

    kody@p90x recently posted Tony Horton live on Fox and Friends June 6 2010.

  132. I say Class Action Lawsuit. Perhaps, rather than hiring one of those pesky attorneys, we could go ahead and get a law degree in just 18 months through that email spammer who is clearly not related in any way at all to the Evil Viagra Penis Thief

    Wicked Shawn recently posted I Don’t Remember How This Thing Got In My Throat….

  133. SHIT. I thought it was just spam. Now I find out I likely DID have a pair but they/it fell off and this fucking spammer knows it and is taunting us with the Viagra emails knowing we cannot even use the damn pill??

    Is this because I told his cousin, the Nigerian scammer who wanted to give me 10 million dollars to go fuck himself because I knew he was a fake and trying to bilk me out of $10,000 and I reported him to that 419 Eaters site? Because he has some really powerful juju to make my penis fall off and then to send his cousin to taunt me with Viagra emails.

    Maybe we should go to New Orleans and get one of the VooDoo practicioners to give us some spell to put on THEM to make their penises fall off and then taunt them with Cialis emails? I think it’s the least they deserve, don’t you?

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Just Another Wordless Wednesday…Mommy’s Love.

  134. How come spam emails only ever offer cheap Viagra? How many people even want Viagra? I bet more people want Valium than want Viagra.
    Maybe they could create some unique combination of the two; Viagrium, or maybe Valigra?

    One of those.

    They should get to work on that, because sales would increase and they wouldn’t have to spam people any more. FACT. More people want to chill out than enhance their magnificent love wand. I know I do – but then I don’t have a magnificent love wand. Hmmm.

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted The Faffiest Faffer- Why you should never expect too much from me you could be waiting a long time….

  135. TOO Funny and perfect reply. You need to tell him to stop asking you to hold money for him in your account because his father the prince is in a political prison. And then oh yeah, but send you some money so he can wire you $500,000. LOL!!

  136. Aaaah. I see you’ve heeded my advice and checked out Star Wars Uncut. You’re welcome.

  137. I once had my email account invaded and an ad sent to everyone in my address book. I heard from people I didn’t even remember thinking I had sent this shit. Anyway, I also received the email everyone else had and it was from a country where people are very superstitious and believe in luck and calling things Lucky and Gold and Lucky Gold so I sent them a curse and wished unpleasant (but not life-threatening) disease on the people working there and that the business would fail. I hope they can read Engrish.

  138. 139
    Cherry Walker

    I stumbled over here from a comment linkie @ Hillbuzz.org. I am now absolutely head over heels smitten with you. Too bad I don’t have a penis either.

  139. I get so many of these spams that I’m thinking of starting a blog where I look at my daily spam intake and pick the most interesting spam and post it, and maybe respond to it, and maybe post their responses to it. But I figure it’s already been done.

    P.S. I’m also lacking a penis, but if you subscribe to the “one flesh” rule then anything that belongs to my husband also belongs to me. Not sure I want to risk that falling off though.

    Cassondra recently posted When youre a goat.

  140. I have secret dreams that one day I will be able to automatically send 100 replies to each spam i receive with offers of discounted bibles

    angelica recently posted James &amp the giant struggle.

  141. Oh my gawd, mine fell off and I didn’t even know it. I thought all those exercises were finally paying off so I was walking tall and proud. Then I read your blog and WHAM I look down and the mushroom, it is GONE. Nobody told me taking that shit would make it fall off. Forget the Class Action lawsuit……. I want my own $86.4 million. What kind of girly girl am I now with no penis? AND another thing is, when it fell off, where did it wiggle to? Did it re-attach itself to some unsuspecting MAN who has the balls to claim my super humongus viagra induced penis as his own? Ok girls we need to start yanking down those man pants looking for our penis’s because I KNOW what mine looks like and I have the pictures to prove it.

  142. I’d also like to be your lawyer…please. I’m only a first year law student, but I am a penis expert..(not to be confused with a whore, swear).

    We could so win

  143. “Or disintegrated like a vampire in the sun.”
    BUT DID IT MAKE YOU SPARKLE.
    No, really, if it made you sparkle you could resell it to Twihards and make a fortune. Maybe even enough for some real plants!

  144. […] How many Viagra emails can you get before you start to think that your penis is missing.? The Bloggess lays down the line on An Open Letter to Spammers on The Bloggess. […]

  145. so what’d they say? are they shipping you a new penis?

    stacebird recently posted Writing Fool.

  146. “Wow, excellent article. Fantastic.”

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