This post has no redeeming qualities whatsoever

Hi.  Right now I should be apologizing for not posting my weekly wrap-up yesterday and quickly doing it today but it’s Labor Day and everyone else is doing what they want and so I’m going to as well.  That’s why I’m going to post the most boring and self-indulgent post ever that will only be appreciated by my mother and people who are very, very bored.

Still there?  Sorry about that.  BUT! I made a desk, y’all.  I mean, I didn’t “make it” make it but I kind of made it.  Sort of.  Lemme explain.

So yesterday I went looking for a computer desk since I literally wore a hole in mine (thanks, Ikea) and I was looking for a cool, shabby chic, painted French Provincial sort of thing but every one I found was over a grand and when I told the furniture people that I needed something under $200 they just laughed at me so Victor suggested that we just make one since one time I painted a snake on his mini-refrigerator (not a euphemism) and that turned out okay.  So we bought a cheap black table, sanded it, painted it blue, sanded it again to make it look old and then I added some stencil decals to make it look kind of creepily awesome and yes, I realize that it’s not the kind of desk that normal people would want but I think that’s kind of why it’s perfect for me.

Wanna see pictures? Of course you do. You’re bored anyway.

The elusive Victor. This is as close as either of us have ever gotten to ironing.
First layer of paint. This is when I started to suspect that we'd made a horrible mistake. It's also when Victor and I screamed at each other a bit because we shouldn't be allowed to work together without supervision.
Then we sanded it and Hailey said that we'd kind of messed it and I was all "I have not even *begun* to mess this up" but that was kind of a lie because I was at least halfway finished with fucking it up.
Then I added these tree stencil decals which remind me a little bit of 'Evil Dead' meets 'The Birds'. But in a good way.
And then it was done. But I didn't want to put my computer on there because it would ruin the effect. That's why I'm still typing on the coffee table right now.

And guess what else I got to go with my new desk?

MOTHERFUCKIN’ WALLS, YOU GUYS.

Remember last month when I pulled a Les Nessman and put tape around floor of the room that should be my office? Well, turns out that all I had to do was walk into Victors office with an armful of work dildoes and suddenly he agreed that having actual walls to separate me from the rest of the family was a priority.  So now I have walls.  (Thanks, dildoes.)

BEFORE.
AFTER. Also, please note my clever use of a ladder as an actual piece of furniture. Victor came home and was all "WTF? Why is the garage ladder in the house?" and I was all "Brilliant, right?!" and he was like, "It's a LADDER. Why are there *weeds* on this?" and I was all "No. It's *greenery*" and he was like "No, these are weeds that you stuck in a beer bottle" and I was all "EXACTLY. Because that way if the cat knocks it over, it's replaceable. I'm ALWAYS thinking." Then we stopped talking. This whole post is an example of what happens when you don't give your wife enough money for real furniture. *MAGIC.* Magic happens.

PS. In the spirit of self-indulgent drivel, here’s a picture I took in my neighborhood.

Storm clouds moving in

It almost makes up for the dead animal trapped in my bedroom wall that the pest control people won’t come deal with because “it’s Labor Day weekend, ma’am”.  “It’s Labor Day weekend” is code for “you’re probably all going to die from cholera”.  Awesome.

128 thoughts on “This post has no redeeming qualities whatsoever

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Awesome desk/table! Desktable? That sounds like some kind of alternate word for a testicle. “The point of her shoe caught me the desktable so hard I had to get my stencil re-aligned”

  2. You are brilliant at everything yet again, Jenny. I am kind of in love with the furniture ladder. Sort of wondering if I could pull the same thing off myself somehow, though I’d probably end up seeming less “cool eccentric chick” and more “stupid art school hipster”, which saddens me.

  3. That desk if freakin’ awesome, well done you too and also for not killing each other. I think the ladder re-purpose was an awesome idea also.

  4. I figured the ladder was so guests can take turns standing at the top and then peeing down in an arc like one of those little concrete boys I used to see in my grandmother’s backyard. Every entry way needs a magical golden shower.

  5. See, in my house, that table would have sat around after being sanded but not painted, resanded, or stencilled, and looked like hell forever. Like the chair that sits in my living room. And the other one in there. Actually, all of them. We need to buy furniture one day instead of dragging in stuff I found and sort of liked.

  6. I love the Texas landscape. Texas is home for me in my soul even though we moved from there when I was little. I was born there so it is in me.

  7. LOVE your desk! Looks wonderful! I was insane enough about 10 years ago to finish a bunch of Ikea furniture that I bought unfinished (duh). I was thinking about how brilliant I was saving money. Well I lost a lot of hair that year, as finishing furniture is a torturous and time consuming mess, and now after ten years I am (not) looking forward to refinishing it all over again! WHeee!

  8. In the second picture, your table looks like it’s about to run off. Maybe you should keep it on a leash until it settles in. Awesome decorating.

  9. I think I own a whole set of French Provincial stuff…it’s a bedroom set and it has a desk…I think somewhere…it’s kinda off white and goldish? That shits worth money? Damn. I hate it. Your stuff is way more awesomer.

  10. I’m impressed that all it took was an armful of dildos to get you a wall. It seems like by now, Victor would have expected that. I bet he’d get rid of the dead animal in the wall if you showered him with butt plugs.

    Just saying.

  11. I have to admit when I first saw “Where Walls Will Be” I thought it was some deep, philosophical stencil and when I finally realized it wasn’t was relieved because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out the meaning and I like to think of myself as..well as deep and, um, philosophical…

    Your desk and the rest of your house (bookshelves, window treatments, etc.) .. yes I stalked your pictures, are beautiful. Wishing you much love, laughter and happiness in your new home!

  12. Your new desk looks awesome! You are awesome! We’re all awesome ^^, But, no, seriously. I want your desk. Don’t be surprised if you get home one day and it’s not there. I will have come all the way from Norway to rob you.

    PS. If your fridge is empty as well, I’m sorry.

  13. Love the desk kind of James and the giant peach kind of theme ala Tim Burton. Now all you need is James and the peach. I wouldn’t put Tim Burton on a desk though.

  14. any chance of poking the dead animal out with a dildo? maybe just tether them together and use it as a poking apparatus. maybe poke the critter removal guys when they finally come out to remove it. could be entertaining

  15. So, did the walls just appear? Cause if that’s all it takes, I am so going to buy some dildos. Except I’m not married, so I guess I could show them to my bed ridden mom, but that seems kind of mean because ya know its not like she can run away screaming, which would be the Natural thing to do.
    Maybe I can just show the cats.
    So after you present the dildo, how long before you wake up and there are walls?
    Did you have to use special Les Nesman Tape?
    Do I put the tape down Before the Dildo presentation or After?
    Really, when you come to think about it, your How To Post, is really not that How Toish.

  16. I love you girl. You make me laugh-shoot water, milk, soda, wine, beer, and whiskey out my nose. Keep up the good work

  17. Totally diggin’ the desk.

    Plus, I am there with the it’s-perfect-so-I-can’t-possibly-use-it-for-its-intended-purpose philosophy.

    Only, typically, no one gets this.

    Today I will have a happy glow that someone else gets this.

    But, I plan on consuming a couple dozen glasses of sangria in a few hours while dressed as Holly Golightly. So it is possible that the glow will be multi-sourced.

  18. Love the desk and the new walls!! You are definitely a woman of many talents, Jenny! We tried to hang a mirror in the living room today, but my husband fucked up (obviously because I wasn’t supervising) and now we have two brand new plastered holes instead. They look fabulous, but I was really hoping for the mirror.

  19. i freakin’ love the desk. like i would break into your house and steal it, but i’m not that kind of mexican.

  20. You need to get that animal out because, you know, you fall asleep one night and wake up without money, pants, or a kidney. That crap just happens.

    Or am I thinking of Vegas? Hmmm…

  21. Yes, well, as someone who’s done a lot of rough carpentry, alterations and lateral-thinking, furniture-wise, I can tell you the BIG DRAWBACK is that now all you’ll be able to do with that table is admire it and feel clever (as indeed you are). What you won’t ever do is just use it. I hope you’ve still got the holey Ikea desk, because you’re going to need it.

  22. That’s so beautiful! I love it! But I think I have you beat on turning “stuff” into different-but-the-same “stuff.” I bought this old, almost rotted away table w/curved legs (a couple of them were about to fall off) at a yard sale a few years ago. Actually, it was a give-a-way after the yard sale and the guy was just trying to get rid of the stuff he couldn’t sell. Actually, it was a guy who cleaned out apartments and if people left stuff behind, he would just have a yard sale and try to make a buck off other people’s stuff. (Only I didn’t know that part until I gave him some money for it or I probably wouldn’t have given him the money to begin with.) Actually, he was giving the stuff away for free (I think I already said that part, but I didn’t say this part yet) because it was pouring down rain and his sale was already over the day before and he had to get the stuff off the yard. So I felt really bad for taking it for free (before I didn’t know it didn’t really belong to him) and so I offered him $2 for it. He took it. I took the table and went home and loved it up some. (not like that!) I fixed the legs, sanded it down, reapainted it a light sage green and painted the legs cream, aged it with a dark brown paint and some crackle stuff, and then added some paper decopauge roses to the corners. It came out so beautiful and I still have it and use it! Wish I could send a pic through here, but I know you have a good imagination and can conjure up what it looks like in your head. Nice to be resourceful, isn’t it? Those things mean more to me than an expensive piece of furniture. You should see what I did to an old dresser in my dinning room!

  23. Wow! And here I thought I had mad magical powers when I lost my plumbing virginity last week and replaced the turn-off valve thingy (I’m sure that’s the technical term) from the wall to the toilet! Beautiful desk! And the ladder is brilliant!

    BRAVO!

  24. Love the table and the ladder!! When you said ladder before, I was thinking an industrial type ladder. That one works great as a shelf. Don’t listen to Victor, he doesn’t think you should display the dildos in plain site.

  25. That is so cool. Can I please get a writing job when you get your own DIY Furniture Making Show on HGTV? Or at least be your coked-out production assistant/boy toy?

  26. Those stencils are wicked cool. Love the blue and black together. I hope you find a kick ass taxidermied black crow to perch on that table.

  27. I’m loving the desk, minus the dead trees but that fit you and you like it so that makes it perfect. I’m more of an alive trees type girl myself.

  28. i wanted to do this same thing this wkend with our console table in the hall but the husband was like ‘no, i’m tired’ because he hates me and isn’t nearly as nice as victor.

  29. Victor’s shoes are horrible and should be stuffed in your walls with the dead animals…just sayin’.

  30. I LOVE that desk. You should quit your day job and come make furniture for my house. Keep in mind, however, that I have budget similar to yours. K, thanks, bye.

    But really, awesome, awesome job you did. And your house looks beautiful.

  31. Love the table. Really. Your neighborhood? You must not still be in Houston. It’s gorgeous. (I live in Houston and pine for some plains pretty…)

  32. That table…THAT TABLE. I’d give both my lungs for that table. Except I’d die before I could enjoy it to its fullest. So maybe only one lung. I could get tips from my grandma on how to function with only one lung.
    And that ladder has so many more uses than just something to put stuff on. Like if zombies attack, you could whap them over the head with it. Its versatile. Unlike those random fake designer birdcages that people sell for like, five hundred bucks. If you tried to knock off a zombie’s had with that, it would just break, and then you would have spent five hundred dollars on something with only ONE use, and you would have no brains.

  33. “Desktable” should mean “something that can be deskted.” And “deskt” should be a verb that means something like “fuck with random objects to create inexplicably lovely furniture and home decorations.”

  34. What a beautiful table! A perfect place to sit and draft the blueprints for a gothic castle replete with hidden sex dungeons, or write a ransom note (in elaborate calligraphy) for the young prince you kidnapped. It will surely inspire great things.

  35. Good job! Love it 🙂

    I’ve always coveted the white desk on Ghost Whisperer, and would love one just like it (or similar), but am a teeny bitsy wary that an old desk would have a ghost attached to it. And I’m not a ghost whisperer, so I wouldn’t be able to help the desk ghost go into the light, and then I’d just have an haunted desk. Very pretty desk, but haunted nonetheless. *Your* way is very much better. It just looks haunted. But in a good way.

  36. A couple of dildoes and you got walls! I’ve been stacking Playboys on my desk for years, but I never got walls. Sean (now 13) has stopped even noticing.

  37. The desk is totally inspired. You could go into business and advertise to all the people who want Victorian furniture, but don’t want to spend a lot of money. Your tagline could be “way cooler shit than you’ll find at a snooty store for a fraction of the price.” You’ll clean up.

    Or rather, make a lot of money. I don’t mean to suggest you aren’t clean already.

  38. Well, if all it takes to get some walls and to get my husband building something is a little tape on the floor, I am off to find the masking tape. Hell, even electrical tape will do. I will have my big blogging crafting thinking attic room in no time now. Thanks, Bloggess!

  39. Given your penchant for repurposing objects, I was expecting the wall to be built out of dildoes, like a wall from a really interesting log cabin.

  40. If IKEA starts making Zombie furniture now, you should totally get a cut for giving them the idea. Also, you should write, direct, and star in the “ZomKEA: A Night of Dying, Swedish Style” which could feature ghastly, yet strangely beautiful dead zombie Swedish people wandering around IKEA killing those people who are making a show in their store. Or something. And maybe you could sell some ZomKEA make-your-own-zombie-desk-stencils on your blog because that’d be a good product tie-in monetization strategy.

  41. I totally can’t believe I’m the first one to ask about the bird in your totally awesome pic! (Yes, desk is completely rad too, btw) – is it a hawk? eagle? giant condor? You have a most amazing neighborhood, girl! Esp when the neighbors are actual wildlife. 🙂

  42. Your house looks so grown-up and clean.
    The armchair next to mine is basically a laundry-holder, we just had eggs and bacon for dinner, and we’ve been discussing putting my autographed photo of Nancy Grace (long story) up with all the family pictures in the hallway.
    This says nothing of the reusable grocery-store bag filled with sandals next to a pile of magazines that need to be recycled.
    We might as well hang Christmas lights in the kitchen, above a beer bottle collection, and mount antlers over the couch so we have a place to hang sorority girls’ forgotten panties.

  43. That is an *awesome* table. And, no, you shouldn’t put the computer on it. The work dildos would look so much better on it, really.

    ~EdT.

  44. a) almost died laughing b) most B-E-A-utiful desk ever, please teach me c) we NEVER iron… I don’t even know if we own an iron d) still laughing!
    -amy

  45. I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR DESK!! I need something small and perfect like that!! Great job on making it “yours”, I might have to copy you in some sort of way!!

  46. I had to blow up the picture to actually find the ladder…IT LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE IT BELONGS!

    Also since my husband makes custome furniture for the very frou frou types I am not allowed to speak about it. AT. ALL. EVER.

    (shhhh, I do love your desk)

  47. Dude, I want your walls. I am aware that sounds vaguely vaginal, but I mean it in a purely professional way. Love the desk, too. Let me know when I’m moving in.

  48. your table is absolutely amazing. also please come decorate my house. i will pay you in zombie defence plans and real tinfoil zombie armour, which is armour in case of zombie attack, not for zombies to use when they attack. Also if that is not tempting enough I could be convinced to pay you in dead hooker parts, just not whole dead hookers, they’re much more expensive.

  49. Nothing wrong with self-indulgent. Good for you.

    My desk has become a shared storage crap heap. In the next house I am gonna get a real desk that is all mine. It’s the only thing holding me back. Then I am gonna conquer the fucking world!

  50. I had to come back and read this post again because I swear to God I have no idea where the walls went up. The AFTER picture had different focal points and I’m no genius.

    And Shabby Chic and French Provincial are two different styles and one of them is made up. Like in the last 20 years. I think you meant Old instead of Shabby Chic.

    I’m busting your balls because I was forced to come back here and try and figure out the whole WALL CONUNDRUM.

  51. There is something wrong with me, and I’m not kissing your ass, but that desk rocks. I LOVE IT!!! I would totally love to not work on something like that. You’ve given me hope to use a sander, paint something on all the stuff that’s falling apart here at my house. Shabby chic, Spanish, mission, old decor it is. Thanks.

  52. Suzy — it took me a while to figure this out, but … see the round end table between the two couches in the “after” picture? I think that she was standing just to the right of it when she took the “before” picture. The big floor-to-ceiling window in the “before” picture is now behind the new wall. The built-in bookshelves are also behind the new wall and are painted white.

  53. Suzy, you’re cracking me up. Laura’s right. When I took the first picture my whole living room was still filled with boxes so that was the only place I could stand. The new walls are the one that the ladder is on, the one with the french doors and the one to the right of the French doors. We also had the bookshelves added and then we just painted them white, plus we repainted all the walls after the new walls went up so the wall colors are different in the last picture, making it even more confusing. Not on purpose though. Promise.
    PS. Shabby chic is just my code for “worn and threadbare” and French Provincial style furniture has great detail work that shows off the distressed treatment.

  54. I LOVE the table you guys did an awesome job on it! I wish I had that talent. I had to laugh when you talked about the ladder. My dad did the same thing to my mom, like “wtf?” She used the ladder to put her village(Christmas village) on it. It worked SO cool and it was SO beautiful. She just threw a sheet over the ladder, put the village on there and then took cotton and covered the wires. It was awesome, so your ladder can serve multiple purposes. Unless the cat decides to hide UNDER the ladder and attack your legs as you go by or maybe Victor’s.

  55. That’s the best freaking desk I’ve EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! &&&&& Homg can you/Will you pretty please, with sugar and hookers caked in chocolate sauce on top, make me a desk like that?!
    I’d be willing to pay.

  56. Love the table, love the ladder, actually I love the look of your whole house. I have to know what the “swinging” sign in the window is about though. Is it a reminder of things that make you feel like a kid, or one that reminds you to put your keys in the bowl?

  57. I’m pretty much loving your desk to death here in ccccold Ottawa. That’s in Canada. I so want a desk like this, but am sure I could never even come close to the perfection you have achieved. But, now you need yet another desk on which to place your puter. I suggest a piece of plywood on bricks. That way, there’s a better chance you’ll use it.

  58. I once had some birds nest in the ventilation shaft RIGHT OVER MY BED. Every morning with the sunrise, chirp chirp chirp. Dear Mother of God MAKE IT STOP. And then it did stop because the mommy and daddy birds flew away, leaving at least one dead baby bird in the ventilation shaft. Where it decomposed and made my bedroom smell like I was hiding a dead body under the floorboards. And I begged my dad to come remove the decaying bird carcass, and he was all, it’s inside the wall, there’s nothing I can do about it, but when it stops decomposing it won’t smell anymore. Really, Dad?! Really!!! So for weeks, I lit candles in my bedroom constantly and made people smell me when I got to work to make sure I didn’t smell like dead bird. That was 3 years ago, and I swear sometimes, I still smell that damn bird. It’s like effing Pet Semetary.

    And last night I read about Carl Tanzler who disinterred the body of Elena Milagro de Hoyos and slept with her dead body for YEARS. WTF! I couldn’t even stand the dead bird! How could someone sleep next to a decomposing human body?!?!

    PS Love the desk. Wicked cool trees.

  59. you and i had the same project this week. only at the end you had a lovely new table whereas i invented a new style called hobo chic. it is true that martha probably will not want to carry my product line at your local kmart (do you even have a local kmart? i get the feeling you are a tad isolated.) but i have learned to accept that i will not be appreciated in my time.

    but seriously let us know how that coffee table is working out for you because i expect this cardboard desk to collapse in on itself any moment now.

  60. i thoroughly enjoyed that post. i LOVE the table. like, i want it. the office looks great and i love the weeds too. victor needs to shut up. tell him i said ‘nice sandals.’

  61. I LOVE your desk! You guys did fantastic job and your handpainting is gorgeous. But working with husbands should be banned. It is never pleasant and they’re always pissed when they discover they’re always wrong.

  62. That desk looks like something from Coraline or Edward Scissorhands. I couldn’t have such a desk cause I’d half expect it to skitter away across the room every time I tried to put something on it.

  63. I love the desk and that’s not just because I have an Evil Dead themed laundry room – for real. Or maybe it’s because I have a horror movie themed laundry room. Yeah, I know that theme room thing is passe but it keeps me somewhat sane and is a place to keep all of those little dollies – excuse me – action figures that cannot leave the house.

    If you ever want to do some gardening with a jackhammer. Call me. It’s fun and cheaper than therapy 🙂

  64. Wow. You really labored away. I didn’t know people actually do that on Labor Day.

    Great job on the stencil. And the picture… I swear when I scrolled down and saw it I heard the cry of a hawk!

  65. Jenny! I love your blog! I love you! I love your ladder! I love your french provincial blue table too! I want one! And, seeing that you managed to finish it all up without losing a finger, killing someone, or burning down the house, I think I can succeed in such an endeavor too! 😀 Sooooo excited for finding furniture to beat up now!

  66. What is it about pests and Labor Day? The one time a rat crawled out of our toilet into the house, it was Labor Day too. It’s like they KNOW that’s the one day the pest people can’t touch them.

  67. It’s amazing what you can get while weilding a dildo. Fantastic! Though I don’t know the difference between a ‘work’ dido and a ‘play’ (?) dildo. I mean, they all ‘work’ don’t they? Anyway, I’m going to go out and buy a big blow up guy or something and see what I can parlay it into. I’d love an armoire. BTW, everyone is right — the desk IS fantastic. Love the branch idea. Kickin’.

  68. The desk is amaaaaaazing. I can’t wait until I get a house, there will be a lot of things that will be cheap older desks/tables/whatever turned into unique art. That’s the best way to go.

  69. Beautiful photo. I moved to the Texas Hill Country from Michigan when I was 8 yrs old and thought it was so ugly. We lived on the Guadalupe river next to an Indian/Native American midden (arrowhead making place/mound of dirt). After a trip to Inks Lake near Austin, I learned to appreciate the beauty of the Hill Country. I hope you like your new landscape. [Um, there’s a worm of some sort crawling on my arm right now, since I pick a lot of wild apples for my son here in Boulder, CO and there’s a giant fire, I can only assume the worm came from an apple or is escaping the fire. FYI: My worm infested-apple eating son pooped on a four-child stroller at a preschool yard sale today.] The Cave Without a Name in Boerne is interesting if still open, and much more so the bat caves on the old road to Fredricksburg from Comfort. There is a certain time of year when the bats have babies (spring) and that is a wonder. Right up your alley I think.

  70. That desk is brilliant. It’s so awesome it could be in the setting of Neil Gaiman novel. That’s right. I said it.
    I do have one question. Why do you let Victor wear those shoes?
    They are ugly and make me sad. Does he go outside in those?
    I am both a black and gay man. I know shoes. If Victor needs help, I’ll totally assist him.
    But I think it would be best if you just buy his shoes from now on.

  71. I’m with Beth – where did you find those stencils? I think they’re gorgeous and I’m in love with all things leafy/tree-y/spooky.. which those stencils fit perfectly.

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