Well that just seems excessive

Remember how one of the great advantages of me moving to the Hill Country was that I wouldn’t have to deal with hurricanes anymore?  Me too.  Oh, hubris.

So a tree just fell on my house.  Luckily it’s the thickness of half-dollar so it didn’t do much except to just scare the shit out of me when it ricochetted off the roof and banged into my office window like the eating-tree from Poltergeist.  Which is fitting since I’m pretty sure both of our houses were built on an Indian Burial Ground.

Also, we don’t have a real news station since we’re so far out in the country so we rely on San Antonio’s weather advisories.  Like this one.  Telling me to not sleep for 30 hours.

I can only assume that San Antonio has confused hurricanes with concussions. Awesome.

Comment of the day: You need to read between the lines. They’re warning you that the looters are coming. ~ kyknoord

98 thoughts on “Well that just seems excessive

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  1. Hurricane… Concussion… Really, both make you dizzy, a little bit scared to sleep and are meant to last for a few hours. AAAANNNNNDDD, I suppose if the circumstances are optimal, a hurricane could cause you to have a concussion… SO I suppose they are looking out for you…

    UNLESS… They’re fucking with you. Like… They know that living so far from civilisation you are forced to rely on the slivers of outside contact that you can find… and now they’ve realised they can pretty much say anything they want, and you HAVE to believe it. Well you don’t… But why wouldn’t you… they seem reasonable and professional looking. But now they seem like assholes if that is the case. In which case. Don’t believe them. Go sit on your lawn and enjoy the sun.

  2. All I can say about this is be glad you don’t live in Erie, PA where we get blizzards in -15 degree weather. During said blizzard, normally about 3 feet of snow falls at a time. This happens a couple times during the winter, between on and off “regular” snow fall which is about 6 inches at a time. So basically by the middle of January you can no longer see your front door, or get out of your driveway. Cleveland and Buffalo also have to deal with this shit. I would rather have down pours than snow.

  3. Oh nice fucking going San Antonio. CLEARLY, this is where all the meth is coming from. How the fuck else are you gonna stay awake for that long?! Cocaine will never do for a 30 hour run. Not that I would know…..I’m totally a hippie lettuce kinda lady. I don’t need any help getting all wound up thank you very much. Hell, last night I had to take an extra 2 Xanax just to calm down after watching what VH1 called 100 greatest artists of all time. VH1 and I have very different taste in great artists….like I have taste and they do not.

  4. I wonder about the whole Indian Burial Ground thing only because I have a Native American last name and since I moved to Texas I’ve had people ask me 1) what my REAL last name is 2)if I would mind changing my last name were they to give me a job (the person who asked me this was ABSOLUTELY serious about it) so I am sortve wondering at this point if Texans actually believe in Native Americans. (Actually, I guess if I analyze that, though, that would give a darn good reason why you’re having haunting stuff happen, because if people denied my existence I guess I’d raise a little afterlife rabble).

    So, ummm, maybe you should get some of that decorative Indian Corn and hang it in your house (or place it artfully on the ladder) to let the spirits buried on your land know that you’re the type who embraces diversity even from beyond the grave. Just a thought.

  5. Oh. My. God. Girl, I feel your pain. My parents live in San Antonio and seriously, the last time I was there… watching the news and they were saying, “Thunderstorms with hail…”, etc, etc. WTF?! They sound all nonchalant like this krap happens everyday over there… oh, wait – IT DOES!

  6. I really like San Antonio but they’re pushing it, what with their ‘San Antonio weather predictions are pretty alarming’ and ‘stay awake for 30 hours or zombies will eat your brains, even though we told you we were zombie free’ warnings. Maybe they will fall off into the ocean.

    Hurry and get liquor; that’s totally the first thing stores run out of when hurricanes are coming. And then get drunk. Before you know it, the storm will have passed and you will have a new front yard. Yay!

  7. Dude, I’m all the way up here in Temple, and we’re even feeling the hurricane, in a very real way. Just further proof that nature hates us and wants us all dead.

  8. Omg…I initially thought that picture was an MRI of your brain and, well, I was scared for you. Glad to know you’re all right. Happy Hurricaning, girl!

  9. Just remember, if you have to build an Ark to ride out the flood waters, you have to collect two of *every* animal. That means two cockroaches, two rattlesnakes, two scorpions, two Giant Squid…

    Oh… and btw don’t forget to pick a future husband for Hailey, while you’re at it.

    ~EdT.

  10. There’s a hurricane? Seriously, this is the first mention I’ve seen. (Though it does explain the rain in Austin and the shitty traffic this morning). I don’t watch the local news (cause it sucks) and the radio said nothing about tropical storms or anything. And what happened to the letter G? Last storm I heard of was Fiona.

  11. you don’t need to worry about looters that far out in the boonies. they don’t want to carry that big screen television all the way to a main road.

    what you need to do is fill your bathtub with water and ice, and a pinch of salt. this will turn it into a huge cooler. fill that with diet coke (you’ll need the caffeine) and LOTS OF ALCOHOL.

    also, fuck milk and white bread. buy ice cream and pretzels. and lots of charcoal and meat. then have a huge barbecue if the power goes out. and eat all the ice cream.

    this is what i plan to do if i ever get caught in another hurricane. playing gin rummy and eating sandwiches just doesn’t do it any more.

  12. Eh, it’s just fall in Central Texas! We always get these crazy bands of wind and rain when hurricanes come through. The biggest danger is falling tree branches and occasionally hail. Just hunker down with a bottle of Jack and all will be well!!

  13. Sounds like it’s time to crush up some adderall in some grape juice and get busy staying awake. And by busy I mean digging up the indian burial ground that your house is built on and moving it elswhere.

  14. On a practical note, I would just go to bed and ignore the weather warning if I was you. I mean what more could you do if you were awake and vigilant compared to newly awoken and half vigilant? Karate chop the storm? Round-kick the lightening?

    Weathermen are drama queens and they need a good fucking kick in the nuts.

  15. Today totally fucking sucks.
    *shakes fist at TS Hermine*
    http://twitpic.com/2m7q5b

    I think that link (twitpic) is more accurate for your location. Maybe not, but it is suck-tastic in Austin today.

    This morning, some asshole thought it would be a brilliant fucking idea to haul a HOUSE – a ‘wide load’ HOUSE south on Mopac during rush hour traffic.

    It took me two hours to get to the office this morning and the house was FUBAR…Assholes.

    Whoever woke up this morning and was all “the weather is FUCKING SPECTACULAR to move a ‘wide load’ house during rush hour. Let’s do this” needs to be shot and killed.

    Stay dry, Jenny. Also, if you need me to take you some plywood or toilet paper, DM me on twitter…

  16. They’re naming hurricanes after the Harry Potter characters now? And it’s the chick frizzy haired muggle character even? Well, I guess getting blown by Ron Weasley doesn’t sound much better. Oh wait, it kinda does. And now I’m a pedophile.

    Oh wait, Hermine. Um. Just forget all that.

  17. Well San Antonio got splattered a bit. I live in Seguin and we only got 2 inches out of that rain. What a let down 😛 . Right now it’s pretty out, no rain nothing and it’s only 4:10 in the afternoon.

  18. “Get in your safe place!” Do they tell you to do that useless crap for the same amount of time? May want to actually stay alert though, I’ve heard bad predictions for this one 🙁

  19. Your storm is named after my dead grandmother. Or maybe your storm IS my dead grandmother. I was her favorite grandchild and she wants me to be happy. You’re awesome and that makes me happy.

    There, you can sleep now.

  20. I’ve not paid much mind to weather or news or anything from that nature… So, when I saw Hermine in the trending topics, I thought something big was going on with Harry Potter. Then, I was like, oh…right. That’s *Hermione*. Sigh.

    I have soooooo many blog entries to STILL catch up on from your blog! Stay safe.

  21. Just tell your daughter that the eating-tree might be coming for a visit between 1am and 8am. She’ll keep you awake, no problem.

    Boom. Problem solved.

  22. Quick – cut down all the trees within striking distance of your house before another one falls! We’ve got earthquakes here in California. Never been through a hurricane, but I think I’d take earthquakes over hurricanes any day. At least during an earthquake the weather is always nice.

  23. It was raining sideways here in ATX a bit ago. Being a wimpy Chicagoan by birth, I think we’re going to stay housebound for the next 2 days. And now, apparently, I’m going to stay awake, too.

    Good thing for those Zumba infomercials at 3 am.

  24. Being a San Antonio Resident, im pretty sure the worst is behind us. A tree also fell on my house, but it was more of a dead branchy thing. And NOW, the yard is COVERED with Pecans because I have 2 GIANT pecan tree’s in my yard. SO NOW that means that I will have to look forward to aggressive ravenous squirrels taking my yard hostage and torturing my cat. Maybe thats what they mean by being aware. OMG that is the time the squirrels are planning their attack. I’ll brb i need to board up my damn windows!!

  25. Ah yes, the joy of hurricanes! I remember them well, especially Ike a few years ago. We’re just getting some of the outer rain bands now, though. Hang in there and break out the glow sticks–they make power outages ten times more fun.

  26. I am an anthropologist. One of my friends is a bio-archeologist in Texas. Do you want her number so she can dig up the Indian Burial site and rebury it appropriately, and thus remove the curse? Or I might know a shaman. Let me check on that.

  27. Oh dear. It’s raining cats and dogs here in Houston so I can only imagine what it’s like out there. Hmpf. I want to say it serves you right for leaving the bayou city. But I won’t. Oh wait, I just did. Sorry.

  28. 1st thought: Ooh! San Antonio? The Bloggess lives close to me!
    2nd thought: OH SHIT THAT STORM IS CLOSE TO ME.

  29. Is it just me or did anyone else notice the Scream Mask in the hurricane pic? I’m kinda scared in my Austin condo now already with the winds and rain… now I gotta worry about a guy slicing me open too? Ugh.

  30. I have the solution to everything! Move to central Louisiana where I live and you’ll never get hit by anything. Seriously. All the storms systems that come through here seem to bounce off the little town I live in and go around us. I live in a bubble. Kind of like John Travolta in that movie, but different because it includes all my neighbors.

  31. Clearly you need Val Kilmer of “Thunderheart” there. He will be totally hardass with the Indian ghosts in the burial ground, but then ultimately he will realize he is of their blood and they will see him as one of them, and your family will be accepted as well and they’ll back the F off.

  32. I live in San Antonio. The reason the weather alerts are so alarming is because people here have no idea what rain looks like or how to respond to it. Sure we get rain storms every year, but the city gets amnesia to it. (It doesn’t help that the weather changes so quickly day to day and even block to block either.)
    The worst time for being on the roads is right after a small sprinkle. The oils build up on the roads and it only takes a little bit of water to make the road really slick. People here don’t know to slow down and brake sooner because “a little rain never hurt anyone”.
    Clearly, you need to teach Hailey how to “stay alert” in shifts.

  33. So, if you move to the city, you would never sleep because someone could break in at any moment anyway. Except, we don’t have scorpions, which would totally freak me out. On the other hand, there are bed bugs taking over the city so, 6 of one, half-a-dozen of another. Relax, have a Nyquil slushie and watch TV. (Do you have TV way out there in the country or do you have to take turns making shadow puppets in a cardboard box? That might be fun after a few Nyquil slushies…if you can stay awake, but you can incorporate staying awake into the game for extra points.) Just trying to make you laugh…:)

  34. If a hurricane is coming you will hear it. Hopefully the tree killed the strange alien living in your attic. I’ve been through a tropical storm and its scared the crap outta me. Going inland doesn’t mean you’re safe from the storm. Hurricane Charlie went halfway through the state tearing shit up. Being on the left lower corner of the storm is the worst, its where the winds are the strongest. Most people get hurt after the storm walking around like morons on downed power lines.

  35. While you’re “hunkered down” and trying to keep each other awake you can make up stories about why Barnaby Jones Pickles is peeing down on everyone from heaven so much. Perhaps it’s the aftermath of his having to learn self-control when presented with a whole case of chicken-flavored 40’s.

    Oh BJP, will you ever learn?

  36. At least you get proper hurricanes!
    Where I live, we just get strong winds (120km/hr +, I dunno what that is in miles but it’s speeding on the highway) that do a fair bit of damage, but without a name or any flying cows.
    I guess I’m saying, at least you’re able to poop and shower, unlike certain semi-rural people near here who may or may not have their power (and their sewer’s pump power) back on now; our last “strong winds” being 3-4 days ago.

  37. I seen them pictures of your house. Whaddaya mean “Hill Country”? You’re on the by-god prairie. There’s nothing more romantic than a hurricane on the prairie. Time for you to write a “Little House” book.

  38. The bad news is that flash floods sometimes bring the Zombies to the surface but the good news is that they hate hurricanes because bits tend to fly away in the wind and are hard to find again.

  39. Jenny, you know what the answer to having to remain awake for 36 hours is?

    HURRICANE PARTY!!!!!

    Be sure and have plenty of booze on hand – God is providing the water.

    ~EdT.

  40. @MainlineMom: the difference is, for us “raining cats and dogs” is a euphemism for “raining a whole lot”. For Jenny, it probably means that *real* cats and dogs are falling out of the sky. Or at least it will, come a future post from TheBloggess.

    Thank goodness the saying isn’t “raining deadly scorpions and Giant Squid”…

    ~EdT.

  41. San Antonio meteorologists are known for only being correct about 25% of the time when it comes to rain and/or cold weather. They get away with this because typically they just have to say “it is going to be hot again. No rain in sight,” and for most days this forecast is spot on. They need you to stay awake because then the lack of sleep with screw with your mind and sense of timing and the next time the forecast is predicted to be anything other than scalding hot and humid you will believe them because they were right about the big Tropical Storm. And then the SA meteorologists live to annoy us all another day with “Turn Around Don’t Drown” reminders breaking into primetime TV. Also, Forewarn Storm team? It isn’t really a forewarning when Olmos Basin is already flooded.

  42. And you really thought leaving all of us in Houston was a good thing why? At least here, we all suffer together. Seriously, you be careful. With Victor traveling so much, he did you with a generator I hope. If not, pls go to your local Sam’s and get one. I’d hate to think of you guys out there in Westbumfuck without power.

  43. There’s a reason San Antonio weathermen get so anxious about a little Texas tinkle…the other 300 days of the year, they have nothing to talk about.

  44. We have windstorms a lot in the spring where I live, and there’s always some tree that is falling down on The Less Fortunate Among Us. Luckily, last year, when it was apparently my turn, one grazed the house, missed my room by about an inch, and took off my gutter instead.

    I don’t know how, this is supposed to solve your problem. I guess just drink eleventy cups of coffee every now and then and wait out the thirty hours in the bathroom.

  45. I’d think you’d probably wake up when one of those larger trees fell on your house. It’s like Nature’s built-in alarm clock. She’s considerate that way.

  46. It must be a welcome to SA thing…. When I moved there, 2 weeks after I got there, there was a tropical depression that moved through and it rained for DAYS. Enjoy the Hill Country!

  47. (First of all, let me just say, Mrs. Darkstar: THE BEST, MOST AWESOME, MOST ASSKICKING “REAL” LAST NAME EVER! If you have boys, I bet there are women who’d want to marry them just for the last name alone! *PLEASE don’t be offended by my saying that. If you are offended, MY account has been hacked! This is not me!)

    Seriously? Half dollar? Half dollar is your unit of measurement? That’s all I’ve got. Oh, that, and my belief that somebody associated with the weather bureau has invested a lot of money in coffee shops in that region.

  48. have you considered opening a pet cemetery on your land. I mean your friend with the dress and shovel, and out in the middle of no where and the shit is already haunted. I am just saying, people in apartments and rentals have to do something right? I totally want credit for this idea.

  49. That weather report was sponsored by Juan Valdez and his coffee ass, I mean burro. I’m positive. Have you stocked up on the black gold, babe? Juan is making sure you do!

  50. Nature is out to get me…I swear. I was in a tornado as a kid, drove through a hurricane, woke up to an earthquake, and have been in wicked sandstorms. Fuck you nature. Bring it.

  51. Ok, I feel your pain since I live in South Florida and we do get our full share of hurricanes. The last sting being 2004 & 2005 where we got a whopping 5 hurricanes right in a f’ing row. After H. Andrew I put a hit out on all weathermen because they do not know what the hell they are talking about. You know they could predict the weather better if they had a window to the OUTSIDE of the building. I am a native Floridian and H. Andrew is the only one that really scared me enough to evacuate and I will tell you NOW BIG BIG BIG mistake. We had to leave at the last minute because duh my hubby owns a construction company and he just had his priorities screwed up because he had to secure the job sites (lets forget that he has a wife and 2 sons) no no no honey you go right ahead and make sure none of that material flys away and causes it to fly and hit those buildings……… oh wait……….. H. Andrew blew all the f’ing building AWAY and because we were waiting for YOU we get stuck in the massive parking lot called the TURNPIKE and it took us 8 hours to drive the 40 miles to get to your stupid sisters house. Then lets discuss the 2004 and 2005 hurricanes here we hunkered down at your concrete fortress you call your office building and lets face it…. it was romantic at first when the power went out and the candles were lit and we danced to the radio BUT 8 days without power or a shower ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Then I an soooo f’ing ready to go home and the radio men are saying stay put do not drive TOO BAD I am going home to see if my house is still there. Took us 2 hours to drive the 5 miles to our house AND minimal damage is found. Part of the carport roof, all the trees and plants GONE then oh my GAWD the SHED is GONE not a trace to be found. Hey my f’ing christmas ornaments were in there, and our bicycles and garden equipment. We have no prower. I am cooking on a gas grill. On day 8 I am wandering aimlessly in my back yard and WHAT the hell…… McDonald’s is cooking HAMBURGERS. I run in the house screaming McDONALDS is OPEN. We jump in the car drive arond the corner to get in line to purchase a bag full of hamburgers. In normal times I hate McD’s but gawd those hamburgers were GREAT. Just know we are thinking good thoughts for you. Hunker down, don’t drink too much because of that NO plumbing thing unless you have pre-dug a hole. take your pills and sleep right through the whole damn thing.

  52. Am I the only person who noticed that the weather service said “the Alamo City” – THE Alamo City??? Tomorrow, I’m flying into the San Francisco and changing planes and will arrive in the Palm Springs later that evening. Really? THE Alamo City? If that’s proper grammar, I am really DUMB. Probably so. Damn weather service makes me question my Mensa brain. Fuck you.

  53. I thought that by moving to Austin I’d leave all that hurricane and wind and flooding shit down on the coast. Now I find out that Mother Nature is all “You’re gonna turn up the damned thermostat? We’ll just see about THAT shit! Prepare to get FUCKED UP for fucking with me and making me have hot flashes!” Burial ground? Shit, we’re all dead!

  54. OMGZ I keep telling you,
    Who cares how pretty the neighborhood is when you won’t be alive to enjoy it?
    Move to California, we rarely have Hurricanes here!

  55. Clearly this is just a blatant example of how the liberal media pushes drugs and democrats upon America. I mean, it’s clear they just told you that for your safety you must take speed so you can be awake for all the “danger.” Then you’ll have to take a downer to sleep. Then you’ll need more speed because the alarm clock will go off too early and you’ll be all, “I need help waking up.” And then you’ll be a drug addict and they all end up with all manner of heath problems like liver disease and stuff and so you’ll start racking up the medical bills and the democrats will be all, “vote democrat, we’ll give you healthcare!” and you’ll have to because your liver will be full of holes and you’ll need to save your money that you could spend on medical bills to buy more speed and so you’ll vote democrat. The liberal media should be ashamed of themselves. Using a hurricane to give you liver damage so you’ll vote democrat. I see through their tricks!

  56. What does staying alert consist of anyway? Whether you were awake or not for the tree incident, it’d still scare you, let alone anyone, shitless. I mean, the rain was bad, but enough to be forced to remain conscious through the duration of the storm? Well that’s just Dr. Suess shit right there.

    So sorry about the unfortunate tree invasion,
    Jess

  57. Oh just think of my joy. I moved from an arid region of Texas to New Braunfels….during the hurricane…er…tropical storm. Then the moving van couldn’t get into my place due to the body of water that dumped on my place….so we camped out for three days with no frig and just a couple of mattresses and camp chairs. Oh, and the all important big screen tv that hubby packed in my SUV. At least we were entertained with the full cable line up. And my god….how do you people live with the humidity??!!!!!
    We now live in a house of boxes. And the moving van ripped up a tree by the roots on the way out. You can thank me for the rain later.
    Cyndye

  58. Good news. You don’t have to worry about an Indian burial ground being the cause of your crazy scary hurricanes. My father’s condo is built on a real life Indian cemetery. Only, it’s a former Indian burial ground because before they built the condos they dug up all the dead Indians and threw them away somewhere. And you know what, it never, ever rains at the condo. For shiz, it can be pouring three blocks down the road and my dad’s place? Dry as a freaking bone. I asked him why one day and he says (I wish I was, but I am NOT making this up) “It has to be because we respect the property. That’s why I call them Native Americans and not Indians. That’s just rude.”
    Moral of the story? Apparently being a politically correct douche is much safer than being a rude one. Native American ghosts are sensitive about terminology.

  59. Ooooo I was just in San Antonio last week for a conference. I had Taco Cabana 3 times….. mmmmm Taco Cabana NOM NOM NOM NOM.

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