Ten points just for responding.

Last week some PR chick sent me an email in case I wanted to post a commercial here about the mattress/bedding firm she represents.  I told her it probably wasn’t a good fit since their sheets cost more than I paid for my whole bed and then I asked her to clarify whether their comforters were stuffed with dollar bills or truffles.  This is where she should have stopped and realized that I was a lost cause but instead she sent me a very long and serious response about average prices of comforters and how theirs are different weights for you and your partner (or something, I blacked out a bit after the first paragraph) but I did appreciate her time and I was a little drunk so I decided to email her back because if I’m going to have to deal with pitches I’m at least going to entertain myself.  My email:

See that’s why I just use dogs.  I sleep under three dogs and my husband sleeps under one.  Or sometimes on top of one.  Depends on the weather.

But it’s way cheaper than comforters because they’re dogs.  And they’re not even my dogs.  They’re just strays that live behind the mall.  So I don’t even have to buy dog food or rabies shots.  It’s like I’m practically *making* money.  WHILE SLEEPING.

Still, I’m open-minded and if you would like to send me a free bed and a comforter I would be happy to write a review comparing how it stacks up to sleeping on dogs.  The good news though is that I don’t even like dogs so the odds are already in your favor.  Unless your mattress is stuffed with dogs.  Then it’s probably about even.  Where exactly do I need to submit my shipping address?

Hugs,

~Jenny

Then I went to bed confident that this would be one of the many ridiculous emails I sent out last night that would end in uncomfortable silence but this morning I woke up to a response:

Jenny,

I sleep with one dog under my feet.  At this moment we’re not doing giveaways but I will mark down that you are interested in reviewing a comforter in the future.

~Natasha

Touché, Natasha.  Touché, indeed.

108 thoughts on “Ten points just for responding.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Even the cats have stopped sleeping with us because there are too many kids. But we don’t drop them off at the mall alone yet. So maybe she’d like to do a promotion on my blog! 😉
    Hilarious.

  2. I think that since she was such a great sport about it, you should probably send her a Stray-Dog-A-Gram from her local shelter.

    It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

  3. I think you may have encountered another one of the many people of the Internet age who are incapable of detecting sarcasm, even really, really obvious sarcasm. Keep stringing her along, could be a hoot.

  4. I’m surprised you use dogs. Everyone knows that sleeping with porcupines is like free acupuncture, and they serve as amazing security/line of defense should an intruder disturb you during your peaceful sleep.

    If you’re really feeling cold at night, perhaps consider raccoons as a bed companion. That way, instead of attempting to devour my koi fish every night, they’d be krinkling chocolate bar wrappers to calmly put you to sleep. Think of it as a green way to count sheep with less effort and way more garbage in your bed.

  5. I’d have been WAY more impressed if she told you she slept with one on her head to keep her hair in place. I’ll just pretend that’s what it said and think she’s terribly droll.

  6. Is it weird I am suspicious of Natasha because she actually responded? I mean, you’re pretty much a lost cause (which is why I love you), but Natasha… she’s shady.

  7. Don’t you have to go to college for most marketing jobs? If so, clearly, a lot of these people slept through Sarcasm 101 and have no idea what they are getting into. Also, stray cats are much more pleasurable sleeping companions. The purring makes you feel like you’re sleeping in a pile of vibrators, and they don’t make such a loud slurping sound when they lick their balls. Can’t recommend it enough.

  8. Maybe it was the build up, but I finally laughed out loud when I got to “Unless your mattress is stuffed with dogs. Then it’s probably about even.” Awesome that she replied–some people are just immune to sarcasm. Keep effing with those people.

  9. There was a lady named Natasha who moved into our neighborhood. Most of the neighborhood dogs went missing around that time too.

    I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

  10. I simply love that you ended your email with “Hugs.” One cannot be silent with they are hugged goodbye. Oh, Natasha, you and your warm furry feet could not resist a reply…kudos!

  11. “We” as in Natasha and The Dog aren’t doing giveaways? Because I would seriously consider buying an overpriced comforter from a company run by a Russian and a Dog.

  12. Jenny, seriously, don’t sleep under stray dogs. I once woke up with my purse empty and one less kidney after I slept under two dogs. A safer and cheaper equilvalent would be small chipmunks. You have to use more of them but there is an abundance of them to use at the local park. Look for the fat ones, they are perfect for those breezy nights and they don’t move fast enough to kill you in your sleep.

    I’m a professional.

  13. Natasha? Hmmm and is her boss named Boris? Has anyone seen Moose and Squirrel lately??? Which may explain why their comforters are a different weight, etc. …….

  14. I agree, the “hugs” salutation really sells it. I love how people so serious about their job have to swallow mountains of shit and give dead-pan responses to wise asses like us. If nothing else, it makes for great stories and blog fodder 🙂

  15. I started to say something about Natasha but as I was typing I saw the little twitter octopus/centaur (octotaur?) graphic to the right and I wonder how I never noticed it before. And then I typed “graffic” instead of “graphic” because it’s time to go home and I checked the traffic. I think maybe I had too much coffee today. Or not enough booze.

  16. I’m impressed with her attempt at writing a jokey, not all professional email back to you, but I would have liked it better if she had gone in the general direction of a story about how she was once attacked by a pack of rabid, stray dogs and one of those dogs was SUCH an asshole it followed her home and then peed on her favorite mattress while glaring at her, thus, sparking her passion for quality mattresses later in life.

  17. Based on my cats’ reactions, I’m pretty sure my comforter is stuffed with catnip.

    A comforter stuffed with truffles would probably be uncomfortable and, in warmer weather, really messy (I’m assuming you mean chocolate truffles, because a comforter stuffed with the other kind would just be ridiculous). On the other hand, a comforter with an insulated, zippered truffle compartment would be awesome, especially if it came with an option to sign up for weekly truffle delivery.

  18. I would totally buy a comforter stuffed with truffles. That way, when husband complains about me eating in bed, I could correct him and say I’m eating the bed. In the bed. I love it when you help me win.

  19. Sleeping uder dogs is a great idea. Everyone likes the underdog. I don’t know.

    Did you know that the idea for sheets originally came from Greeks lying in bed with their togas loose around them (because they were such sex-crazed pervs)? Eventually the tradition of just lounging naked in loose togas evolved into bedsheets. Pajamas came later. I just made that up, but it sounds feasible, right? Like, I bet some people would believe that.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  20. Awesome…both your response and hers! Don’t be surprised if you get an email a few months from now asking you to do a review 😉

  21. Wouldn’t sleeping on top of dogs be all uncomfortable and lumpy? Or are the dogs laying on top of you? If they are then that’s pretty much the story of my life. It’s just hard because my dogs are really fat so I’m practically playing with death every night.

  22. Now that you mention it, I’d like a bed stuffed with caviar. Oooo. Or Dr. Pepper. What ever happened to water beds, anyway? Was it just the impracticality that killed them off? Or did people decide they were only good for porn and didn’t want to be accused of making porn in their bedrooms?

  23. You are my hero. And a comedic genius. I seriously could not come up with such brilliant shit! I just talk about poop and lead crotch; it just doesn’t compare.

  24. Is it possible bedbugs are actually fleas? Or are fleas bedbugs? Or are they the same bug but different depending on location? Could crabs be the same bug too? Then getting crabs from sleeping with your dog wouldn’t be so bad, right? RIGHT?!

  25. It’s nice to see she had a sense of humor! ^_^ That’s always a plus, when a company has a real person instead of a carefully cultivated machine.

  26. Was anybody else reminded of the Mogwai song; Oh How the Dogs Stack Up! Maybe this is where the world shows it’s weave at work. If only by accident. And also, at least you didn’t get any corporate gumph ascribing all the hard work of the contacted individual to the company at large. Which reminds me: fuck Apple for doing exactly that every time I thank the support team for their help. It’s totally 1984 man. They need to unionise and shit.

  27. Shit!

    Am I allowed to swear on this because I totally need to know whether anybody noticed that accidental Mogwai reference. Very little seems so important to me right now.

    I like your twitter btw. I will now go on to enjoy your blog.

  28. I love that she responded, and not with, “OMG you’re batshit crazy, aren’t you??” in that horrified tone of voice people get.
    Oh, like you’ve NEVER gotten THAT voice before.

  29. I sleep under kids…and dogs…and the occasional cat. A comforter full of money sounds really nice though-but probably wouldn’t last long.

    I love her response!

  30. I’m with Jenny on this one. Although, certainly, some purebreds are specifically intended for use as a mattress — like the Miniature French Schnauzer (roughly translated as “snoozer”) — getting a mutt from behind the mall is much more cost effective. Also, mutts are less prone to medical issues because of their genetic diversity, and you can therefore go a little longer without flipping and rotating them (which you are recommended to do at least twice a year for purebreds).

  31. Giving credit where credit is due. Look at you, all nice and stuff.

    Sleeping with dogs is total bullshit, tho…anyone ever watched Nip Tuck? Dogs can HURT you if you get too intimate with them. May have involved peanut butter. I don’t know.

  32. I’m heading to the mall right now to pick up some dogs for the night. It’s getting chilly here in the evenings. Plus, I need them to dstract the bed bugs/fleas/crabs. Wanna come?

  33. Awesome! I love your email responses. Natasha needs a blog. My cat takes her half of the bed out of the middle – on top of the comforter so you’re stuck in your quarter.

  34. So….I know I’m crossing your platforms here…but I definitely finished reading this and went “…so are you going to send Natasha a dildo decorated like a dog?

    Or a mattress?”

  35. She only has ONE DOG to keep her warm?
    This is a cry for help. She’s clearly being held against her will to hock expensive bedding.
    I think we need to have a Rescue Natasha movement.

  36. My dog sleeps under the bed, so I guess I sleep on top of a dog too, regardless of the weather. Thanks, Jenny, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

  37. I sleep with pussy. @thebastardcat that is. He started out all little and cute and fluffy. Now he is fat and bonkers. Seriously. What cat refuses to drink out of anything but an orange fucking cup set in the middle of the bathtub? And who the fuck had the bright idea to put the damn cup in the tub in the first place?! Fucking kids. Always wrecking shit.

    PS-some weirdo googled (RIP) Barnaby Jones and landed on my blog. Im honored an all but really, what the fuck are they smoking at google?! I want in gawddamnit.

  38. I’m watching football and all I hear is ‘bouncing balls’. I said balls. I don’t know.

    Comfortor made from money. How much would that cost?

  39. In Soviet Russia, dog sleeps under you! *slaps self* Ow! I know, I know, that was cheap!

    Does this mean Victor is Russian? D:

  40. I am giggle-snorting my way through the blog and the comments… hilarity!

    Does Natasha understand that it’s September in central Texas? If you sleep with anything more than a parakeet, your A/C must be set on 65!

  41. I totally snorted when I read this, and then I called my hubby over to read it to him… He even snorted when I read it to him…. You are awesome!

  42. Alright…ten bucks says that Natasha’s secretary wrote that email. I don’t think a “Natasha” is that clever…i’m just sayin’…

  43. @pamtastic: I think Natasha is very clever, she is one of my people. We are very clever. Jenny, you get crazier and crazier with every post. I love you.

  44. Oooh! You should totally ask her to invest in a start-up business idea for Mangy Hound Comforters and Foot Pillows as well as your dead kitten mittens! That would ROCK! And it’d probably be a better job than the one she has right now! BONUS! But don’t let that bitch cheat you out of your royalties. It was, after all, YOUR IDEA.

  45. “Then I went to bed confident that this would be one of the many ridiculous emails I sent out last night that would end in uncomfortable silence”

    Every single night of my life. Sigh.

  46. 100 points for persistence. 1000 points for feigning ignorance. LOL.

    Natasha is going to go far in life.

    #84 should send me an email. I always respond to silly emails.

  47. Cats are much better because a) They tend to be softer than dogs and b) They are much easier to kick out of the way if they start to restrict your movements. Large dogs are better as pillows though; my cats tend to struggle and even shred my head I try to use them as pillows (they they are great as ‘hugging pillows’ or teddy bear substitutes)

  48. I think you should tell Natasha that you’ll do the plug, but only if she’ll get Rocky & Bullwinkle’s autographs for you.

  49. I don’t know Jenny. I’m leary of people with Russian names. “Natasha” sounds like a Disney villian. I’m guessing you’ll get a dog in a box from this one.

    Sincerely,
    “Tanya”

  50. I feel that I might love Natasha. If only she didn’t have that ridiculous habit of sleeping with a dog…….it could have gone somewhere.

    Maybe she will send you her dog?

  51. I surely hope she took your e-mail seriously because that’s some funny shit. Good to know she sleeps with one dog under her feet. I hope she was serious, too.

  52. Someone give Natasha a raise. And personally, I’d like to know how she gets the dog to sleep UNDER her feet. Winston sleeps on my feet, on my legs, on my back, on my arms. Pretty much on anything, but NEVER under.

  53. I love how you have a witty sense of screening people who wish to advertise with you. “Have a sense of humor? Of course I’ll help you!” Diggin’ it Ms. Bloggess. Keep it up!

  54. Oh Blogess, I finally came to read your posts after so many other bloggers have linked to you/praised you/worshipped your feet publicly on their blogs.

    This dog stuff is freakin’ hilarious. Even my boyfriend was laughing out loud and that, my dear, is a rareity.

    I love it. Love it love it… no dog food or rabies shots…. “I am practically making money”…

    I may have to join the legions of followers.
    juliejulie “Tell her you are interested in reviewing her dog” BWAH HAH HA! Do it Jenny!!

    Read me if you have a minute some time. My last post involves unneccesary weight loss, sequins, and big hair.

  55. I tried to submit a comment and it didn’t work, I now I can’t remember what funny I had injected into it… but I do think you should listen to Juliejulie and review that woman’s dog!

  56. Why do I have very nice high thread count sheets but the elastic on them is shit! I do not want to break out the sewing machine, find elastic and sew it onto VERY EXPENSIVE, HIGH THREAD COUNT SHEETS!!! Listen up manufacturers of very expensive, high thread count sheets – from now on sheets and elastic are to wear out at the same time!! Understood?? Thank you!
    kisses
    me

  57. I sleep with a small white Cuban dog. She weighs 12 pounds. Except when it’s dark. And I’m trying to sleep. Or move any body part she’s currently lying on. Then she weighs more than my car. If she isn’t on me she sleeps on half the bed – the middle half. If I try to move her she waits till I’m almost asleep and then starts kicking and running and pretending she’s dreaming. Sometimes dogs are assholes.

  58. Google translate wreaks havoc again.
    Wonder what “dog” means in her language…

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