And a bustle. A bustle would be cool too.

This week I’ve had terrible insomnia and I’m kind of in that strange territory of chronic not-sleeping where you’re not sure if you’re about to go crazy or if you’re about the break through to the zone where people don’t need sleep anymore (which would be awesome because I would use that time to hone my night-vision) and I was just laying down thinking that if I could have anything in the world I think I’d like a tire swing and an electric blanket the most.  Not at the same time though.  Although actually?  Being warm and swinging sounds kind of awesome.  Never mind.  I need both at the same time.  Also, I need some sleeping pills.  And probably an editor to to stop me from posting this sort of thing when I’m delirious from lack of sleep.  That last one is the most important and also the least likely to come true.  Which is fine actually because if I only get one I want the swing.  Victor says that insomnia doesn’t give you free wishes and to stop typing so loudly.  We all suffer when I have insomnia.

Your turn.  What’s the one thing that you really want right now but haven’t bought for yourself?  And don’t say “world peace” because you’re going to make the rest of us feel like selfish assholes for wanting canes that hide secret swords in them and I’m kind of emotionally fragile right now from lack of sleep so please just humor me.

Oh and also, a giant hat.  Like the kind in My Fair Lady.  I want an enormous, ridiculous hat.  And to solve a mystery.  I still want the swing the most though.  Victor says he wants just for me to shut up and go to sleep.  I’m pretty sure we’re both going to be disappointed here.

492 thoughts on “And a bustle. A bustle would be cool too.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. A massage chair for sure. I think they are super ugly but oh so relaxing. I would love that. Oh and a parasol from France made out of silk. I picked two things since I’m greedy. hahaha

  2. I have always, always, always wanted a farm house with like 80 acres of land…but still live somewhere it is warm most of the year.

    And…I want a cow! (yes, I’m weird)

  3. Ughhh. I want sleep too. And a masseuse. I would also like that treatment that they do in “Eternal Sunshine.” … and a pet Unicorn. But … whatever you know. Sleep still sounds good.

  4. If I think about how badly I want a manicure and a pedicure I may just cry. Oh, and it has to be in one of those $6000 massage chairs because I don’t remember the last time I had an orgasm. It feels good to get that out. Thank you. Now sleeeeeppppp….

  5. I totally want to ride in the space shuttle, which would actually require me to deal with my ridiculous flying anxiety in was far more extreme than just popping a Xanax so I can get to Hawaii.

    And while on the space shuttle and floating around weightless I want to wear something gauzy and ethereal so people watching back home who don’t know what’s going on with the space shuttle is haunted.

  6. Well I have insomnia as well, but mine could be due to a) turning 42 years old 31 minutes ago, or b) too much cheap wine drank as I said goodbye to age 41.

    The one thing I really want right now is to not have a miserable, sad, depressive or awkward time at my 20th college reunion this upcoming weekend. I will be spending the whole weekend with my best friend from college, who I have not seen or spoken on the phone to in 13 years, but have kept up an email-only correspondence.

    But before I go, I’d like some Botox.

  7. A jellyfish that tap dances. Because a tap dancing jellyfish will make me millions. And then I can buy a bunch of weird random crap and buy a house just for my random crap.

  8. The one thing I really want for myself is to get the dumpster and clean the house. Hire the minions… or get a slave or 5 and get the home that beautiful immaculate clean that it looks when I first saw pictures of it in the real estate guide (even though humans do not live in those houses for a REASON)

    Barring that… I really want a high powered blender that’ll blend my mother in law if I want/need it to, but if it’ll just do carrots that would be fine.

    and someone is stealing our sleep, I tell you. we should find them…
    …make them clean my house.

  9. I want every piece of Fiestaware in every colour….Nothing major.

    Also, I would like to own a 24 hour coffeeshop so I could go in at anytime and order a no-fat double tall latte. Notice that I don’t want to work there – just own it.

    The last thing that I really want but have never bought for myself is a winning lottery ticket. Must work on obtaining a slight gambling addiction!

    Sleep tight.

  10. Hmm… a corset w/ underwire. Why? B/c what’s the point of having one if your tits are mashed against your navel… that wouldn’t be hot at all.. unless if your into grandma boobs..

  11. I promised myself some new bras. This sounds like an entirely reasonable promise to make to oneself, but buying new bras means trying on bras. And there is nothing worse than trying on bras. Okay, there is something worse: trying on bras while your mother-in-law observes. And since I’ve already done that once in my life, things can only get better, right?

  12. I’d really wish for some sleep…preferably hallucination-free (thanks a lot, Ambien). I’d also like it if my lady parts were self-shaving, because I have HAD IT with keeping that tidy. It just doesn’t seem like the best use of my time.

  13. i want a rock tumbler. but i don’t want to put rocks in it. i want to make candy in it. like jawbreakers. but with rocks for the centers.

    okay, so i really just want to make candy coated rocks.

    i also want one of those cheap balsa wood put-together airplanes. you know, the kind that break up into a million pieces if you stare at it too long.

    and i want a brownie.

  14. A winning lottery ticket would be perfect because then I’d be able to get all the stuff I’m too damn tied to think of right now. Yeah, I’m that asshole that would wish for more wishes…

  15. I want a big ol lazy boy recliner. The bigger the better. Scratch that- the uglier the better. I want a chair so hideous and out of place that when people walk in they go “what on earth was she thinking?”. Because in my mind, that’s the only way it’s going to be as ridiculously comfy as I desire it to be. Oh and a bag of funyuns.

  16. I want an Ativan. And that blue one sleeved shirt I wore to an event but didn’t buy because it was almost $500. I want to not be awake right now because I have to be out the door at 7-ish. Sigh.

  17. I want my 20 year old boobs back, but whatever.

    What I really, really want – after seeing Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale – is a sparkly carriage with a flat-screen. Barbie had TWO in the movie. She could totally give one to me. Could happen.

  18. Victor, give the lady a swing already. Then she can be outdoors swinging while your sleep is disturbed because of the squeaky sounds (I’m pretty sure all kinds of swings have squeaky sounds). But at least she won’t have to listen to you grumbling about her insomnia because a.) She’s outside and b.) You’ll develop insomnia too and will know how she feels. A little empathy goes a long way, Victor. And a tire swing.

  19. i love this, “chronic not-sleeping where you’re not sure if you’re about to go crazy or if you’re about the break through to the zone where people don’t need sleep anymore”
    so fucking true!

    things i want: i want to spend a day with john cusack, not to maul him per se but to see what a day in his life is REALLY like. i’m sure to some extent it sucks b/c he can’t live like “normal” people. and to meet banksy (i am secretly in love with him) next up, a badass motorcycle so i can travel the world on it. lastly, an endless supply of bubble gum.

  20. An airplane. But not just any airplane. I want one that can convert in to a submarine and a boat and also a walk in closet with all size 6s and that I can wear those size 6s. And a hot pilate. No, maybe my airplane also converts in to a fire truck so my hot pilate is also a hot fireman.

    Also: world peace.

    But mostly the pilate

  21. I have always wanted massive bottle of Apres l’ondee a discontinued perfume that is illegal now because it’s so toxic. But that seems to make me want it all the more. I would also like a bathtub in the shape of a massive champagne glass. And I’d like to bathe in it while I am being interrogated about a jewely heist. Too much?

  22. God this is bad but I want a plane ticket to england. Bad twittercrush on too young a guy!!! Oh and can i rewind time and look younger too?

  23. Right now I really want $10,000! Why not $50K! I really really want 50K! Our Anniversary(Nov) & Christmas would be AWESOME! Just for us. I’m tired of spending money on cheap assholes! 2 deployment bonus spent on those jerk so this time we’d spend it all on us! Yup SELFISH! But we deserve it! 🙂

    In all honesty I really want a baby. 6 years of infertility sucks! Maybe I’d use that $50K on treatments or adoption. 🙂 Sorry Jen got emotional there. So don’t read that part. Wait you already did. Ok so just forget it!!! *Memory Erased*

  24. A really nice haircut, the kind that falls in the right way and looks ok even if you don’t do anything to it. I’ve let my hair get long for my husband because he likes me to have long hair, but it’s verging on crystal Gail length now, and Ive so had enough of it! It has to go!

  25. If you’re going to have a magical pet chicken in the house, I feel that it should also lay golden eggs.

  26. A palomino pony. Nipples that don’t chafe when I run a marathon. A vineyard on an island (yes, of course with chickens. And I don’t just mean one). And if there really are canes with swords hiding inside them, I want one of those.

    World peace? What the hell would we do with ourselves? And our sword canes.

  27. An iPad. Overrated? Maybe. But I want one.

    A Taco Bell.

    And a Koala so I won’t be the laziest thing in my house anymore.

  28. I really want a good camera. And then classes on how to use the camera.

    Actually I need some Claritin. All of a sudden my allergies are wonking on me. Thank you, Texas weather! You’re super!

  29. There’s so much I want to buy right now and can’t.

    Music. So much music.

    Vacations. Books. CLOTHES!!

    Being poor is sad.

    P.S.: Sleeping pills will WRECK you UP. Last time I took them? UTI.

  30. I’m going to go with winning lottery ticket. Yes. Because I’m a greedy asshole, and there are a bunch of things I want. A new house that’s really big and has room for a new exercise room where I can have an awesome home gym so I can finally be out of excuses for losing weight, and also a new bed, and also a kick-ass bathroom where the tub doesn’t need to be replaced so I can actually take a bath now and then. And I want to not work anymore, because I’m sort of over it, but I think the people at the credit card company might break my legs if I stop working, so . . . Oh, and a part-time housekeeper and personal chef and a yard for my dog and the ability to afford a gestational surrogate. Because I don’t think my body’s going to get the job done, reproductively speaking, and it would be nice to think someone else with a better track record could that done for us.

    Yeah, greedy asshole here. But if we’re dreaming (as it were), might as well dream big.

  31. shit. wait. i don’t want a Brownie, like the Girl Scout kind. that’s not how i roll. i mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that…oh wait, there is something wrong with that. it’s against the law. and gross.

    also, i didn’t mean to say that i wanted one of these brownies:

    yes, i wiki’d brownies.

  32. Oh man, I totally want an elf. A sassy sarcastic one who magically makes all my stupid laundry mistakes disappear, but he does it with style. Yeah. Also? When I’m out of my favorite peanut butter treats, he can snap one out of thin air for me. And on nights when I can’t sleep he can sprinkle special elf powder on me and then I’d sleep but even if it was just for two hours I’d wake up refreshed instead of with that peevish want to punch every asshole I see. Then, at Christmas, he’d come in handy because who else has a real live elf to hand out the gifts? Well, Santa, but after him? Nobody, that’s who. I mean, this is all just off the top of my head. It’s not like it’s also nearly one in the morning and I’m still awake or anything.

    Yeah, I’d get an elf. Or a new dishwasher.

    Could go either way, really.

  33. Oh, and I’d like a Spanish troubadour, please, one with a hidden blade in his troubadour shoe. For reasons I’d have to keep private at the risk of implicating you all. You’re welcome.

  34. Hey, I used to work as a milliner. I could totally hook you up with the big My Fair Lady hat.

    What I want: a new television for my living room, because the one that’s in there now has been stuck on DVD for about two years. Stupid Emerson for making a television that only changes modes by remote—and then making the whole thing incompatible with any universal remote. And then, not selling replacement remotes for televisions that are more than one week old. Because seriously, nobody EVER loses their remote, or steps on it, or feeds it to the dog. Not that I’ve done any of those things with the remote.


  35. Oh, shit, if I can have celebrities too, I’d like to have those twins from the Harry Potter movies around for a week or so, just to entertain me.

    Barring that, I’d like an adult size version of the playrooms I loved when I was a kid – with the giant slides, and swings and trampolines and rope ladders and monkey bars and cargo nets and ball or foam pits. Yeah, that.

  36. A magic chicken would be okay, I guess.

    But fainting goats? That’s the shit that gives you hours of entertainment.

    An elf, a dishwasher and fainting goats.

  37. … i’ve split this into two categories on purpose. also? i haven’t sleep in a few days, either. this may be a bit incoherent. but i categorized them due to the fact that i realize that there are things I NEED and things I want. and things I need and want. okay. so…
    I NEED/WANT a job. because rent isn’t cheap and college loan companies are bastards. (I can use that word cause I’M a little bastard. whatever. shit happens. actually, sex happens. especially at parties where teenage girls, vodka, and penises (or penii) mix. I’ve dealt with it.)
    I WANT a Brittany Spaniel. preferably a white and rust one. i don’t like the color of liver.
    I WANT a house up in the mountains. because I don’t like people. even though i’m “technically” a social worker. I just confirmed what many people already assumed about Social workers. we all really do hate you and want to fuck your life up. the end.
    i NEED new trail running shoes. okay, i really just WANT them… but after turning my ankle 12 times on my run/hike last night… i totally need them.
    I NEED to fix my closet door most of all. no really. if my landlord sees how badly i’ve fucked that thing up, he’ll have my ass. or my money. whatever.
    i am right with you on the sleep thing. not sleeping kinda of sucks, because you feel awful if you try to fight it and MAKE yourself sleep… or you feel awful if you just go with it and read books and watch netflicks while the rest of the worlds sleeps. because the sun still gets up waaaayyyy too early and is such a bright and cheery little bastard that you kind of want to punch him in the jollies.

  38. I thought I wanted someone to hold me while I drifted off to sleep.. I tried that out with a guy tonight and started crying because the person I really want says he doesn’t want me anymore. So, I’m back at my home, and I’m awake. Waiting…

    If insomnia could grant a wish… I’d want him back.

    (sorry to drift off from comedy; I was just reading that ‘six billion secrets’ site…)

  39. I want to shake the insomnia I’ve had the last 17 years but that’s a special wish. I also want a wife. One that cooks and cleans and does laundry. I don’t want to be a wife I need to buy one.

  40. I would like to be able to knit, without having to learn how to knit.
    Because I don’t know how.
    But I’m pretty sure if I didn’t have to go through the painful learning part, I’d be awesome at it and make all sorts of non-sweater crazy things. Like an army of woolen octopi.

  41. I’d quite like to not to have to get up for work now. Though if someone made me blueberry pancakes it would make it a lot easier.

  42. For some reason I keep talking myself out of getting that 50mm lens I want. And it’s not even like I’d have to go out of my way to get it. I literally pass right by the photography supply store on my way home from classes. One day I’ll just walk in and buy it. I promise.

    I’d say I want a Star Trek lunchbox, but I already have one. It’s sitting on the pony wall next to my desk. I keep my D&D miniatures in it.

  43. oh and a burger.

    But only if I get the first wish from the Insomnia Genie.

    Or is it Jeanie?

    I don’t want the Genie/Jeanie to look like that bitch from I Dream of Jeannie cause then I will feel inferior and waste my wish in wanting her fat.

    You want some of my morphine Jenny? It makes you sleepy. And a little bit crazy.

    But constipated. Hence the bowel movement wish.

  44. I want a real, grown-up bedroom set. Like, a bedframe, a nightstand, and dressers that MATCH. I am thirty-one fucking years old and our mattress and boxspring are on the floor (it’s a really thick mattress and box spring because I have autoimmune ouchy-issues and they’re custom and shit, and I put the dustruffle on top of the box spring so it kind of looks like there’s a bedframe, I mean I didn’t want you to think it was just a naked boxspring sitting on the floor with maybe a brownish ring of mystery-stain on the side or anything but still, it is Not Classy), we use plain IKEA dressers my kids used to have before they got THEIR nice matching bedroom sets, and instead of a nightstand we have a wicker clothes-hamper thing by the bed (it’s not just a hamper with shit piled on the lid so you can’t open it, I mean it’s got a top with a back and sides so that you can put stuff on top and you pull out a swinging box-thingy from underneath to put clothes in, but again, Not Classy). Unfortunately every time we have some money I go and do something like fix the KIDS’ rooms up or else blow it on anti-rejection meds for my husband and his donor organs, or the dog gets mange, or like, my state “requires” that you have “insurance” on your car and…yeah. Someday, though, I’d like to have a bedroom I wouldn’t be ashamed to show guests, like “oh look here is our bedroom” and just open the door all casual-like and there our nice matching furniture would be and probably the bed would be made, too. So basically I’d like some matching bedroom furniture and a maid?

  45. Insomnia does so give you free wishes, as long as you wish to stay up just a little longer… that one always comes true for me! It’s about about realistic expectations. I also tend to wish to be grumpy the next day. You get a wish for every hour you’ve been up, right?

    But if we’re talking pie-in-the-sky kind of dreams (which would suck, by the way, unless you like getting pies dropped on you from above…), put me down for some new roller skates, non-sky pumpkin pie with artificial whip topping, and a day off from work tomorrow morning… err, this morning. Damned insomnia, I have to be up in three hours.

    I wish I could get some sleep.

  46. I totally want some sushi right now. Like, a LOT of it. And not supermarket sushi, either. I want it to be made by a super-skilled Japanese man who has honed his sushi-making craft for no less than 30 years.

    It also be rad if my kids would sleep like normal humans. I might want that more than the sushi… then again, maybe not. IDK, man. *shrug*

  47. I want an island where I can raise many cats. I’m talking herds of cats, so many it will be a foregone conclusion for anyone visiting the island that I am completely crazy. Although they had best keep that conclusion to themselves, lest they face the wrath of my cat armada!

  48. I’m an editor with insomnia who was wishing for a post from you. And then you posted about your insomnia and needing an editor. And if you were sleeping right now, you wouldn’t have written this. And if I were sleeping right now, I wouldn’t have read this. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think? I may be so tired that I’ve forgotten what a self-fulfilling prophecy is. It’s like when Alanis Morissette wrote that song about irony, when really she meant coincidence. But “Ironic” was probably the safer route, musically, because “coincidence” doesn’t rhyme with many words. “Incidence,” I guess, but that seems like cheating, because “incidence” is “coincidence” without the “co.” Alanis Morissette hasn’t made a record in a while. Wonder what she’s up to. Fulfilling prophecies, probably. Maybe we should all wish for Alanis Morissette to make some new music. Or sleep. Or to sleep with Alanis Morissette. One of those.

  49. Oh and also, when I was little there was a giant plastic turtle in the Children’s Library and I would flip it over and sit in the concave part and rock in it like it was my own personal boat filled with books. I want that. In fact, that goes on the top of the list. Upside-down, enormous turtle filled with books. That’s number one.

  50. Oh, and you could totally solve the mystery of what happened to my six year old’s James Avery chain that is missing. The charm is on the table, but the chain has vanished.

    It’s not the most riveting mystery, but it’s got all the makings of a great Nancy Drew novel. The Case Of The Vanishing Necklace.

    That’s probably already a Nancy Drew book.

    So, hey- I’ve granted one wish already.

  51. I want my grandparents’ house. Mum and I are living her helping take care of them, particularly Granny, as she’s, well, dying…anyway, when they’re gone they’re leaving it split between my Mum and my Uncle, but we can’t afford to buy him out and he wants to sell. And it kinda kills me a little because my mother and I have both been coming to this house since we were wee, and Grampy’s parents bought it in the early 20s. Anyway, probably an overshare and stuff, but ARGH. I need to win the lotto 😛

  52. I feel your pain with the insomnia. It can be quite peaceful at 3am though, like time is no longer of any consequence and you are past the point of even trying to sleep. Writing is always a good idea. Or watching lots of shitty tv online. Mostly the second option.
    But if i could have anything it would be the biggest most delicious chocolate cake in the world. and it never ran out. And also it didn’t make you fat. Coz that would just suck

  53. A ferret and a ferret butler. That is, a butler whose job it is to ensure the tidiness and well being of the ferret so I don’t have to do the awkward parts, not a butler who is a ferret. Though a butler who is a ferret could be good too, but would then need a ferret butler butler to take care of it, and I’m not made of butler costumes.

    On the not sleeping thing, I was once awake so long I broke through to the place where you think you’ll never actually need or want sleep again, but I ended up saying things like “you know, it really would be awful to have tiny sharks for fingers. Just awful.”. That’s the draw back of evolving beyond sleep. By the time you do, you’re too wacky to do anything useful with the extra hours.

  54. A comfortable chair to sit in with my laptop on my lap.

    And if every one else is going for more: in WA we have this lottery called “Lucky for Life” where the winner gets paid $1,000 a week for the REST OF THEIR LIFE. I’d take that.

  55. oh. and a pika. i just watched a documentary about yellowstone and they showed these adorable little pikas and now i want one more than i want a prairie dog or a baby black bear. or an elk filly/doe. do elk follow the terminology of horses or deer?

  56. A pet DUCK… I’ve actually been wanting this duck for a while. I ask for Christmas, birthdays (I mean other peoples bdays), Vday… & no duck. 🙁

  57. I want my husband warm and snoring beside me and my daddy alive after whipping cancers ass. Since that is against all laws of nature, guess I’ll just be awake and online. Beats pushing daisies I reckon.

  58. An IT guru at work who is not my husband. I can’t bitch at my husband nor is it nearly as naughty to fantasize about the hottie IT department.

  59. I could totally get you a bustle. The bonus of wearing a bustle, is when you ask, “Does this make my butt look big?” and the other person says, “yes,” you get to reply, “Why, thank you!!” The downside is having to stand for hours because I can’t figure out how to sit comfortably.

  60. When I was in high school, my best friend Nancy had a pet chicken. It was the Japanese kind with blue feet and fluffy feathers that stuck up from the top of its head and made it look like a troll doll. We named it Mr. Bigglesworth, and I knitted it a hat once. Shortly after the knitting of the hat, a raccoon tried to eat Mr. Bigglesworth, but only succeeded in ripping one of his wings off. I think the raccoon was jealous of the hat I knitted. If it had just asked, I would have made a raccoon-sized hat, too. It didn’t have to jack Mr. Bigglesworth for *his* hat. After becoming an amputee, Mr. Bigglesworth stopped eating, so Nancy’s brother got him stoned to try and give him the munchies. It worked, and Mr. Bigglesworth lived. Then he started laying eggs, and we had to rename him MRS. Bigglesworth. Some might say that Mr. Bigglesworth was a Mrs. all along. I think it was trauma from having his awesome hat almost stolen by a greedy raccoon.

  61. Okay, I was just reading the comments and I was all “OHMYGOD someone else wants that upside-down library turtle to sit in? That is so weird” and then I realized that I’d written that comment. This is why I mostly never comment on my own posts.

  62. We’ve been struggling so long over here and are again going through hell to meet our basic needs, so my answer to one thing I want more than anything else? Our own house/apartment. I just want to be somewhere that is ours (with no psycho landlord, no rent to pay, or no depending on others). Somewhere I can decorate, somewhere I can make my family feel safe and secure. Somewhere to begin putting down roots for Abigail. Yeah, that’s it. Somewhere safe to live that’s ours.

  63. Actually, I’d also like you solved the mystery of what the hell is making that ridiculous racket outside.

    It’s really kind of pissing me off.

    It’s also pissing me off that it isn’t bothering my dogs.

  64. er yeah i have had some personal stuff going on and was researching sleeping pills that actually let you sleep though the night and not wake up at 3 a.m. and was all ready to ask my doctor for ambien but then i read all sorts of stuff about it and realized that i don’t want to find myself sleep-driving around forks in the middle of the night looking for a peanut butter and anchovy sandwich to smear all over myself (with a fluff topping). because yeah , doing that or something like it that seems to be a legit possibility. so er i’ll be sticking with chamomile tea and benadryl and maybe some other nonholy-effing-shit please don’t let me do all that weird ambien-y shit kinda drugs.

  65. @snarkier than you, I had Ambien for a while. Apparently I was getting a good nights sleep, but was also taking phone calls, texting and letting people who knocked on my door into my house while I was asleep. It works, but it is some seriously freaky shit.

  66. I want to be a Miss Universe contestant, so I can get dressed up in my national costume (which is whatever the fuck I like, cause honestly, there is no Australian national costume, unless you count speedos, but they belong in the swimsuit section) and then I can stand on an international stage and answer the question “What do you want most in the world?” with “A years supply of shoes from Payless shoes” cause I’m pretty sure that’s what they give you if you win Miss Universe, isn’t it?

  67. I’ve been thinking about this lately. We’re going to get some money soon from refinancing our house, and I tried to think of exciting things I’d like to buy. But I was surprised to find that there was nothing I really wanted for myself. I was afraid that maybe I had died inside. But after reading some of these comments, I realized that I want a bunch of boring stuff. A new dining room set to replace the one my wife and I got from Ikea almost 20 years ago, an awning for the back porch…are you asleep yet?

  68. Oh and I’d like one of those robot butler-slash-housekeepers like Rosie on The Jetsons. Don’t really have room for one– maybe it could levitate above the room when it was needed — but then the boys’ heads would always be bumping it. Hmmmm….

  69. A personal chef.

    And if I may suggest, depending on whether you have a nice big tree in your backyard, get yourself one of these rather than a tire swing. We have three of them in various areas of our garden, and I spent a good portion of today in one with a book on my face pretending to read.

  70. K, so, when I was a baby I had this thing called a Jolly Jumper. It looked like this:

    And basically you just kind of bounce around in it like it’s your own personal anti-gravity contraption and it’s the most awesome time ever. The baby in that picture looks less happy and more I’m-about-to-sneeze but still, it’s the best.

    My point is, I want an adult Jolly Jumper. And then when it’s 2:12 a.m. and I can’t sleep I would just go climb into my Jolly Jumper and bounce myself to sleep. And it would be amazing.

  71. I want a redo of the last few decades, but that only happens in cheesy movies. How about that personal masseuse that follows you around and knows exactly where your pain is and immediately gets to work on it, no need to ask or explain. OK then, possibly a magically self cleaning house? You know I’m not doing it and the dust is reaching tumbleweed proportions. I just need help and no I don’t want to discuss this with my shrink, that just costs money and accomplishes nothing. Get me a housekeeping, empathetic, Mary Poppinsesque keeper.

  72. I want a giant hamster running in a giant wheel to power my apartment so I don’t have to pay the electric bill. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

    I wouldn’t mind having a nice bookcase either. Something sleek. My textbooks are in a pile the size of Mt. Everest, and I found a bug squashed between two last week. I’ll sell both of those back for sure.

  73. My dad told me there’s been talk of a unicorn goat thing discovered in Russia. I totally want a pair of them, so I can mate them and have a ranch with unicorns so I could have the biggest tourist trap in all of Missouri. I want a tourist trap.

  74. I want one of those ‘downloadey’ brains from The Matrix. That way if I wanted to learn the ukulele as good as Jake Shimabukuro it’d take approx 10 minutes downloading time. And maybe a Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal. In fact, if I ever got a FizzGig I’d rent him out to you so he could come over and eat all your scorpions.

    But if we had to land back in reality then I guess what I’d really want is one of those floaty skateboards from Back To the Future – because I KNOW that shit exists. And that way I could justify catching transport to work even though I’m like 15 minutes walk away but it’s up a HILL and exercise is a dirty word.

  75. A Celestron 11inch CPC Schmidt-Cassegrain telescope.

    And shoes. Every pair of shoes I’ve ever seen @Zappos and loved and then looked at the price and thought, “well, fuck, who spends $600 on SHOES? But damn, those are awesome… ” Those. Every pair.

    Telescope first though.

  76. I want to be able to whistle with my fingers. It just seems so much cooler then normal whistling (which I can do).
    Also, I want spell and grammar check on everything I do. Just cause I’m a terrible speller.

    And if I get a third wish, it’s gonna be the greedy option of enough money to be happy, which is why everyone wants, if we’re honest.

  77. I want another summer vacation. I feel like I’ve learned plenty this semester and I can already spell better than most of my professors. If that’s not possible, then I’ll take a unicorn. That’s not too much to ask, I think.

  78. I am writing this at 2:36 AM my time, and I want… a magic wand that stops time, so I can stay up until the wee hours having actual time for myself (to read, write. take a long shower) between the ridiculously late hour son #1 goes to bed and the ridiculously early hour son #2 wakes up AND still get 8 or so hours of sleep. I’d even be happy for 6 at this point. SIGH.

    Also? A house elf. Because I HATE housework. And the dust bunnies are getting big enough to walk up and eat the cat.

  79. I want a pool. I want a pool so bad that I would be willing to go back to having the scary hallucination inducing insomnia that I had when I was a kid. (thanks to a lot of therapy I now just have the regular kind of sleeplessness, and this is what entitles me to a wish, right?) I want a pool that is long enough to swim laps in and deep enough that I can sink to the bottom and then push off as hard as I can and feel the water rushing over my naked skin. Did I mention that I would mostly swim nude in said pool?
    And this would cause my neighbor’s wish to be that I would build a very tall and very solid fence.

  80. … is there a chemical spray that can kill black widows? the spider. because there are two fairly good sized bw’s inhabiting opposite corners on my basement and I just noticed that one has an egg sack on her web. awesome. so… how can this be terminated? a spray is preferable so i don’t have to get close enough to risk being bitten…
    oh. i NEED/WANT this.

  81. Well, if u make it come true: I want to lose 100lbs and a husband. It doesn’t matter what order u give them to me.

    As for not sleeping: take a couple of tylenol PM. You won’t get addicted or hung over and you _will_ sleep.

    Thank you for granting my wishes…..

  82. I want my purple velvet pimp hat back from my nephew. And I want my pet rabbit to go to obedience school so she’ll stop biting me. I seriously think she’s gained a taste for human blood. Anyone want a Genuine TWILIGHT Vampire Rabbit? She’s currently named “Nibbler”, but she’ll be equally nonresponsive to “Edward”. I promise.

  83. Oh…If I could buy one thing, it would be a plane ticket to Denmark, where my best friend now lives. She’s pregnant, and nearly as poor as I am, and I should be with her while she’s pregnant, dammit. Plus, when she reaches the nine month mark, her waist will actually be bigger than mine, for the first time in our 20 year friendship, and I’m shallow enough that I want to be there when it happens…

  84. I really need (but don’t NECESSARILY “want”) a job. Because being independently wealthy would be so much easier for everyone (well, for me anyways and that’s what matters within the context of this comment). I’d like a job that pay decently and doesn’t require you to do a metric fuckton of work for tinymonies.

    I really WANT to sleep. It’s 2am right now. Of course, with the whole no job thing, being up at 2am isn’t so awful.

    I’d like the people who had my dream job to realize that they made a mistake and call me.

    And a tiara, please.

  85. I want a giant chamber that I can crawl into and have my entire body sucked on like a lozenge; a human sucking machine. That’s what I have always wanted.

  86. I want my heat pad for cramps to re-gain the amazing lavender smell it had when I bought it. I also don’t want cramps. Really, essentially, beyond my need for scent-y heat pads, absence of cramps and coveting of a full DVD set of 30 Rock (forgot to mention that), I just want to be hitched already. Long distance engagement sucks. Really, really hard. He agrees. Such is life, I guess…
    Not so much wishing for sleep medication, since college students are genetically engineered to never require sleep unless it’s a weekend, or if they need to get up early in the morning (in which case they will over-sleep) or if they are in a reeeeally boring lecture, or if they are in the library and the chairs are comfy, or if they haven’t drunk coffee/5 Red Bulls/6 5-hour energy shots, or if Full House/Goofy Movie(s)/other nostalgic 90’s TV show marathon isn’t on anymore. They may also sleep if they are hung over …they actually need sleep. I guess means that I need sleep.

  87. Well, several weeks ago I saw this hampster in a pet store. See, they’re supposed to space out the hampsters and gerbils so that there are several in each plexiglass terrain, but this one had a solitary little rodent-condo all to itself and subsequently an entire bowl of hampster-chow, or whatever they feed hampsters. So it apparently gorged itself on the food and was so fat that its little legs didn’t touch the floor and it could literally use its own stomach as a table. AND IT WAS! Yeah, I want a life-time supply of ramen noodles to fuel my all-night studying binges…and maybe the hampster. I was thinking of calling him Nibbles.

  88. Now that the weather starts getting alot better, my is simply get my appetite back (for eating THE meal, doing workouts, and responding to those emails.)

  89. I’ve just loved these comments. Hubby is wondering why I’m grinning like a fool (which I am of course) on a grey damp morning before breakfast.I’d love to have back the last twenty years so I could rectify the mistakes I made and not make such a twit of myself…. (apologies to the ex boyfriend who was terrified when my dentures fell out at lunch many years ago and sorry to that nice lady who I threw up over at the Christmas party in 1997!)

  90. over the knee boots. black ones. or brown. I would take brown. but the flat ones…the ones that are kinda like riding boots, but over the knee and sorta sexy, but in a day-sexy way. like when you see me riding my pegasus down a rainbow you’d be like, “those are awesome boots. they’re sexy in a 2pm cocktails kind of a way.” (oh, the pegasus that rides down rainbows is the thing that would be what I wish i had but hadn’t bought myself if it existed. but it doesn’t. still it’s about as attainable as the boots for me right now, so I thought I’d mention it. oh and I’ll trade you pegasus rides for electric blanket tire swing rides.

  91. I want a PS3, so I can never be productive ever again. I would just play video games forever and ever, and life would be awesome.

  92. Well, I was going to say that I wanted a 1960s era Ford truck. You know, the kind that has the vinyl and woven fabric upholstery? And the vinyl is all cracked so you can see the styrofoam inside the seats? But then I read a previous comment about pie, so now that’s all I can think of. Thanks a lot, commenter, now I have to make a pie.

  93. I’d have to say the thing I want the most right now is to have about five more hours in the day. Unfortunately I would probably spend that time on the internet instead of work, so maybe that’s a bad idea. How about no more periods instead? No, no, no. A job. So I can buy food without worrying about overdrafting my account.

  94. I’ll take a black, wrought-iron canopy bed, with super comfy queen-sized mattress, plush Parisienne Blue duvet and pillows, billowing white sheers hung from satin ribbon and trimmed with eyelet, and Jason Mraz or Ryan Reynolds sleeping in it. I’m not picky.

  95. I don’t know what to buy, not that I get everything I want though. But if I had to pick one ultimate thing, I guess I never dare dream that big, get my hopes up that high. Maybe if there was a pill I could take, so I would have twins, to make up for lost time? Maybe a pill that would garantee I will not miscarry next time?
    *sigh* I guess we just end up always wanting stuff we can’t have. like a good nights rest. I’m sorry about your insomnia.

  96. I know the suffering of insomnia all too well. It was a serious affliction that haunted me for 20 years. I have spent many a night sitting on the end of my bed with my head cradled in my hands crying from the shear frustration and exhaustion of it all. I would wake the next morning, after about 3 hours sleep, angry and confused. This was routine for me. And then “it” happened. A two month long suicidal depression that stripped away my hope and ambition for everything.

    A word of waning. Don’t underestimate insomnia. It’s telling you that somethings “fucked up” in your life. Time to reevaluate your external obligations and cull what you can. But don’t stop blogging because that an essential, OK. As for what I want. Too wake up in the morning and find your latest posting in my RSS reader. It truly makes my day to know that an anxious social phobe with writing skill and access to a blog can achieve such success. You give me courage. Now all I need is some writing skills. And maybe an air-conditioner because Summers only a few months away (Australia) and it’s hard to write with sweaty fingers. Shit, I think I’m babbling and using bad grammar. Sorry, I’ll stop now.

    P.s. No longer suicidal and I finally found a way to fix my insomnia without drugs. Yay me. Still socially phobic but I’m starting to think that is more of a preference. Now go away. I need some time to myself.

  97. I want a husband who’ll sit on the couch for hours listening to my entertaining and highly intellectual banter without rolling his eyes or looking at me like he just realised he married an escaped mental patient. For example, when I told him today that I won a photo shot where I will be a zombie pin up girl (and yes I am totally stoked), he didn’t have to respond with “WTF woman”, or throw holy water on me as he made a break for the door. Sheesh. You said “for better or worse” Fat Boy.

  98. I wanted to answer your query with something witty and amazing, but the situation I’m in currently makes me think of only serious wishes (e.g. house, pay off debts, etc. sort of thing).

    As for the insomnia issue: I’ve had serious insomnia issues for the majority of my life. I’ve tried all of the over the counter medicines and have had things prescribed to me, from the tame Ambien-like Rx’s to the you’ll-fucking-die-if-you-take-more-than-a-couple variety that they’re not supposed to give you more than a week’s supply of.
    Nothing worked for me.

    You know what works?
    NyQuil. Capital “N”, little “y”, Big-fuckin’-“Q”.
    You just have to be prepared to be dead to the world. And perhaps make plans to not have any plans the next day.

  99. I want a star trek transporter. Not only because I would get to transport to see people I love. But I’m thinking there are all kinds of kinky things that would totally work. I mean, only with someone I know, this isn’t a freaking glory hole. Not that I know what that is.

    And why can’t you beam two of someone, anyway? Is that because it’s illegal in the star trek universe or because the soul gets split or the second one comes out all soulless and zombie like? And there was that episode with riker where that happened and the other version of him was kind of an asshole but maybe that’s because he was alone for like 20 years, not because he was soulless. These are things that are keeping me up at 1:06 am. fml.

  100. This awesome HDR software I found. I’ve been trying out the trial version and um yeah, you can see the photos on my blog…it rocks! But I’m too broke right now to spend that kind of money and too lazy to do the HDR photos myself for now. I have a lot to do. Stop judging me!

  101. Mostly what I want is to fit in. I used to feel like I fit in- when I was with my bestie, Makayla, but now that I’m not near her anymore I feel all alone. I also want to act. To act would be an awfully big adventure. I think most people find the small things to be the most important because sometimes people see themselves in a time when they felt good or would potentially feel good with the want of said item. To say “I want a life size standee of Indiana Jones” would be great. I have one. Its amazing. Love it being in my room. But mostly having books on my bed while I sleep makes my room more my home than it does. I love books. I am soon to be a published author. I fell into being able to co-write a book. I am quite excited about it. But mostly I want to act. And to see Kayla tomorrow. *sigh* I miss my best friend. Who is your best friend, dear blogess?

    From Jenny (Bloggess): You always fit in here, my friend. I’m blessed to have three best friends. Two of them will sing the theme to Facts of Life with me for no reason at all. The other is always there when I need to call someone to keep me sane. I’m very lucky.

  102. A kitchenaid. A house with 10 acres of pasture, so I can have a cow. A new camera body. A boob-to-thigh shapewear thing, to stop my hips dislocating. New curtains for the loungeroom. A plumber to move my outside toilet inside.

    Loads of things.

  103. I want a babysitter for my toddler because we live overseas so I don’t have anyone to watch her and she has been with me 24/7(including sleeping beside me because she is having separation anxiety issues from Daddy being deployed) for the past 6 months and I’m really starting to go batty not having a single second of alone time. During my alone time, I want to be able to just sit and read books without interruption and have all the Chick-Fil A food I can eat. I haven’t had Chick Fil A in over 2 years and I’ve been craving it. An easier wish would just be for my husband to come home safe from his deployment and then I wouldn’t need the other stuff….although the Chick Fil A still sounds pretty good.

  104. I would like a brand new sewing machine that does every kind of freakin’ stitch and trick that exists! Mine’s almost shot. I’ve had it for a good 25 years or so.

    I don’t really have insomnia, I don’t think. I have this weird thing that’s “reversed” insomnia or something. It’s where I am so dog-gone tired I can’t stand it. But instead of going to bed and falling right to sleep, I fight the urge to go to bed. Why? I DON’T KNOW!! I really don’t get it. Instead I sew, or play solitaire on my P.C., or cruise the Internet for info on things I want to do, or crochet, or piddle around the house! I’ll walk from room to room to see what I can do so I won’t have to go to sleep. EVEN THOUGH I’M EXHAUSTED AND TIRED! It’s crazy, I know. I think it started when my kids were little and I stayed up after they were finally in bed and asleep so I could have some peace and quiet and time to myself finally. I don’t do it as much as I use to, but I’m doing it right now.

    I want a machine that makes any kind of desert I want any time I want without me having to go to the store and buy the ingredients. And it goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway, no calories will be involved.

  105. I had toe surgery on a gross toe and I just want it to be less gross and stop hurting. All my other toes are getting sympathy pains for the surgical toe and it’s REALLY annoying and painful.

    Also, a tummy tuck. I had a c-section with my last baby and I’ll take my stretch marks and scars as my badges of honor but is it too much to want to wear normal clothes again? I think not.

  106. I want one of those mini tape recorders that I can stick in my pocket so whenever I’m on the bus, the people sitting next to me won’t switch to a foreign language mid-conversation just because they catch me eavesdropping.

    Oh, and some sleeping pills would be nice, too.

  107. I would really like a person that can explan everything. Especially corporate finance or what ever it’s called in english.

  108. I would have to say that I really want this Steampunk/Victorian era handmade dress I found. I’m in love with it. I have to save up, and yes it has a bustle (and I have made my own ^_~) Oh and one of my hot crushes dipped in chocolate and wrapped with a Whipcream bow. ? Then after he can make me a sammich.

  109. Will you delete this comment if I say I would like world peace? I only want it so that we can finally get some decent stuff to watch on TV instead of all the depressing stuff they keep going on about.

  110. I really want super-powers that I could use to fight crime with, because criminals are dicks.
    I’d also like a new laptop since my current one is getting to the point where I’m going to have to take it out into a field and put a bullet into it to put it out of it’s misery.
    I’d also like a cheeseburger or a sammich or something, because I forgot to bring a lunch to work with me.
    Finally, I’d like a really good hug. One that goes on a touch too long, but not so long that everyone gets uncomfortable.

  111. I’ve always wanted an Alpaca because they have sweet faces and wear tiny wigs…and a little Peruvian lady to shear the Alpaca and weave me warm mittens and colorful hats with strings and ear flaps. Oh….and the Peruvian woman must wear one of those crazy hats that Peruvian women wear in travel brochures and such…so cute.

  112. Um… I would like a talking fluffy kitten that stays small forever and ever and then also I would like my own house to live in because I’m 27 and living at home with my Dad so yeah my own place in North West London would be awesome.

  113. Paint. Chalkboard paint for that section of wall that is just begging for it. Acrylic paint for painting paintings. Rust paint for that metal bird cage I keep meaning to put plants in so I can have plants that my cats won’t dig in.

  114. I want a house-elf. Don’t worry–I’d pay them…somehow. They could even have days off. I just need a pair of invisible hands to help with the cooking and cleaning. Also, I need a mute-button for life. I could just hit it, and have total silence. Maybe more important than the last two, I’d love free airfare for life. That way I could see my family whenever I wanted, provided that I tolerate a 14 hour flight to the US. Seriously, an airline should have that as a giveaway so I could enter the contest but I probably wouldn’t win it, so maybe I should wish for just moving closer? Anyone got an extra elf?

  115. If I can’t have “world peace”, then I want whirled peas. I have all the necessary ingredients: a bag of frozen peas, and a choppey-uppey thingey to whirl them with. The problem: the choppey-uppey thingey is full of Ninja blades, and I fear that if I open the box I’ll let all the Ninjas out. So, the box sits, unopened, on my living room floor. Where it has been since last Christmas. Also, where the tree will be come December. Poor, hungry, trapped Ninjas.

    As to the ham radio? I can totally show you how to operate one of those, since I’ve been doing that now since you were like Hailey’s age.


  116. I want a new husband, but my old one keeps finding his way back home. Damn him and his keen sense of direction!

  117. To be driven to work in a limo. I don’t really want to work but we all have to…so it would help to watch tv and sip champagne all the way there. That would really show THEM at the Dunkin’ drive through huh? Maybe then they’d get my order right.

    I’d like another bridal shower because all my crap is 20 years old now. And a nice fancy washer dryer that would magically sort and fold the 1,000 piles that shred my will to live.

    I’d like a king sized bed, which would take up all but one square foot of my bedroom floor space. So I’d have to shuffle sideways around it to get to my closet but I would maybe sleep without wondering if my husband will roll over and whack me in the face with his big long floppy …arms.

    And a pony.

  118. I want a time machine. It doesn’t have to be a very good time machine — it just needs to work well enough to take me back 48 hours or so in the past, for just long enough to convince myself to throw away *everything* that had been in my refrigerator before I got it working again.

  119. I want a cane that hides a sword. Or maybe an umbrella. No one carries a can anymore. Walker with a sword in it? No, I’ll go with umbrella. Of course, now I can only defend myself when it’s raining. Maybe a laptop with a small crossbow? I’m going to have to think about this and get back to you.

  120. I want to bring back corsets and crinoline skirts. And a girlfriend who’ll both custom make them for me and lace me up every morning. That’s all I’d wear to work, even though it’s against the dress code, but it’s not like I’m wearing flip-flops…

  121. Dear Santa Bloggess
    I would like a new tooth, the complete works of Mary Wollstonecraft in seven volumes, a google phone, one of those big screen tvs that are perfectly flat, a camera with lenses to take pictures of very small things, a clairefontaine notebook, some earl grey flavoured rooibos, and a baby sitter. That is all.

  122. OK, I need canes to talk, so I’m pretty sure I don’t want secret swords because they probably wouldn’t be that secret, and if they aren’t really secret, then I will get arrested at the airport or courthouse or a school or something. If the swords were really secret, then they would probably be useless since they would be hard to get out in time. I suppose a real light saber would be OK since no one would be expecting that since they don’t exist. But, I’ve never really had the need to chop anyone’s arms off or run them through. So over all, I think a shorter length, high quality camera lens would be useful. Or maybe a newer photo printer. Or some more commas. I use them a lot and tend to run out.

  123. I want a treehouse. I have two great camphor trees in my yard and I think a treehouse and platform and bridge would be awesome. Of course that means I would like a small balcony remodeled into my house and bridge to connect to the treehouse and platform.

  124. Leather pants. Not entirely sure why, as I’m sure I’d look fat in them. But then I could pretend I’m Maureen from RENT and be extra sassy.

  125. I want to be an expert who speaks on any show on PBS. I know that’s not really something you can buy, but still what I want.

  126. I would settle for not being stared at when I go out in public. Just to be able to browse the magazine section in Barnes & Noble without people whispering to their friends, “Is that a man in a dress or a woman with a beard?”

    Oh, and to have my house paid off. And for my kids’ dad to come live in the same state as me so they wouldn’t have to leave every summer.

  127. All i want right now is a plane ticket, so i can get the fuck out of here…but i would gladly trade that for a pillow pet. If had one i would so rub it in my little cousins’ face
    s since they can’t have one , being poor and all. Damn now i really want a pillow pet! And some tostitos…

  128. I would like to not need sleep as well – because since I never get any – If I actually didn’t NEED any I would probably stop hallucinating. It’s disconcerting to be lying in bed TRYING to go to sleep and suddenly see the darkness morph into thousands of ants crawling all over the wall. Hard to go to sleep then. It’s kind of a vicious circle. I’ve heard Crystal Meth makes it easier not to sleep… and eats holes in your brain so maybe not.
    I’m going to go pass out now. Or chug Red Bull. Crap, it’s morning and I have to go to work, ok, bring on the Red Bull.

  129. Kind of retarded, but I want a nose ring (and the piercing to go with it). I’ve wanted one since… umm… I think forever. Unfortunately, I have an uber-corporate job now, which precludes me from piercing my nose. So, maybe I want to get a non-traditional job that still has the nice cushy salary so I can get my nose pierced.

  130. I want the biggest, softest, comfiest cashmere blanket every created. It needs to be made from the down of Fairy wings, preferably. And it needs little arm thingies on it that hold my book for me while I read and then turn the pages when I think the word “turn.” In an ideal world it would also have little pockets for snacks and whatnot.

  131. I want someone whose job is just to slap cookies out of my hand. Except then I’d be slapping him. (it would have to be a “him”, no? what woman in her right mind would slap cookies out of a fellow woman’s hand?)

    On second thought, I want my own airplane. With a pilot. I don’t want to fly the thing, I just don’t want to ever have to fly commercial again.

    But mostly, I want a little ambition. Any ambition. I have none.

  132. A grand piano. Because I quit my job about four weeks ago and am finding it difficult to fill my time and I reckon playing the piano quietly to myself would be much better than slowly going crazy reading drivel on the internet. Not that your blog is drivel, but, you know.

  133. Have you ever seen a Hindi movie? Like, from India? At their (movie) homes the characters have these gorgeous huge padded swings out on their rooftop sitting areas, and the characters swing back and forth and lip-sync songs of eternal devotion to each other. So yeah. I’ll take the swing and the rooftop sitting area and the sari and songs. Also Hrithik Roshan.

  134. I want a kayak. I’ts all I’ve been able to think about for the last month, ever since I saw a video on YouTube of a guy hooking up a 300 lb. blue marlin from a 13′ plastic kayak. It was awesome in a totally scary kind of way. My wife and her sisters think I have no business buying a kayak until I have health insurance. I hate it when they are logical and mature.

  135. I want Mary Poppins to live here so the kids will finally pick up their toys (with a little magical assistance) and so we can jump into chalk drawings where penguins will serve us lunch. And she can sing me to sleep while she darns my socks. And say things like, “Spiff spoff!” when we need to get somewhere on time. Which I can’t ever seem to do.

  136. I would just like to get laid….its really just the simple things in life.

    On a side note I’m typing this from my phone and my fucking spell check kept trying to type out the word thing as thong…which would have sounded weird to say its the simple thongs of life or maybe it would have made more since. I’m not sure. I just know my spell check hates me.

  137. I’d want a self-refilling jug of coffee that I could wear as a bagpack but that would be invisible so it wouldn’t be ugly to look at. I’d also want it to have an invisible tube that is connected under my skin into my veins so that it could inject caffeine whenever I pressed the invisible button that would be located on my wrist.

    Also, probably an invisible cloak. Because I don’t know how else all of the above would be rendered invisible.

    More specifically though, a selective invisible cloak. So that when I put it on me it doesn’t make me invisible. Just the jug. And the tube. And the button.

  138. I want to be done with college. And have a job. And a horse. Mainly the horse thing though. And the being done with college. I have two exams tomorrow and a paper due today. Doesn’t your life look SO much better now? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go study. And by study I mean pound my head against a desk.

  139. Inground pool, number 1. Number 2 (tee hee hee, I said number 2), my 11-year-old told me yesterday I should get a restaurant-style margarita machine for Christmas so we wouldn’t have to only go out to eat at places that have margarita machines. She gets me, she really, really does.

  140. I would really love if someone would take my daughter overnight. Not someone creepy, but a grandparent or something. She’s 2 1/2 and that’s never happened. The longest I’ve ever been away from her was 6 hours, and don’t get me wrong, I love that little girl more than the world but I’d really like to go out drinking or something and be able to stay out past midnight and drink enough that I have a hangover the next day AND be able to sleep it off. Or I could just sleep until 2 pm without the drinking. That would be perfectly fine too. I do my best work in the middle of the night and she kind of cramps my style on that one, waking up at 8am and all. And yes, I know I’m lucky to have a kid that sleeps until 8am. That IS pretty good. I just want a night off for me. (My husband does let me sleep in once in a while but I wake up feeling guilty for missing her day so I don’t do it very often.)
    Oh, and the honeymoon my husband and I didn’t get to go on because we had a one year old at the time. Going to bed at 1am on your wedding night sucks.
    Good luck getting some sleep!

  141. I would want confidence in myself, which I know is boring, but I feel like I probably wouldn’t even need any wishes if I could just convince myself that talking to people and trying to do things that I feel like I can’t do weren’t the end of the world. If confidence is too extravagant a wish, I would also take a new blender because mine doesn’t even blend anymore, it mainly just tosses things around and smells like burning plastic.

  142. A house with a moat that you can push a button and float a thin film of oil over it and then push another button and ignite it.

    FLAMING MOAT!!! And all kidding aside, I’ll totally have one because I’ve been married for 25 years and have never asked for jewelry or vacations or anything. I’m getting the damn moat.

  143. OK, I want a pet elephant. Really. And some chickens. Maybe I just really want my own circus (act). That and an iPad and an Olympus Pen camera.

  144. i want some toms, the shoes. lame, right? it takes very little to make me happy, i just want some freaking slip-on shoes. or, an entire case of those starbucks frappuccino drinks so i can chug them and get all hopped up on caffeine the way only a crazy nursing mom can.

  145. I want a bag of sour gummi worms… and a fort made out of the sofa cushions.

    I’m TOTALLY going to go make a fort now!

    And I can hook you up with a bustle if you really want one. I know people. 🙂

  146. I want my own bed and breakfast—but it would be really Rock and Roll instead of that Laura Ashley shit. And I could still cut hair there. And local artists could put up their artwork in the rooms for sale. And there would be a music room for people to jam.

  147. Hands down, I would never work again, I would live in Ireland in a cottage (possibly haunted by a totally cool ghost that would literally ghost write a fantastic and deeply meaningful book, for which I would get all the credit). I would sit by a fire, drink hot Irish coffee, surrounded by a harem of devoted lovers,(who may or may not be Irish) oh, and I could eat -anything- and never gain a pound.

    Irish coffee:
    Yum. All daily goodness requirements met in one delicious cup.

  148. I’d really like some painkillers to make this headache go away… and a pony! I want a pony! One that doesn’t knock me out and give me concussion when I fall off, would be nice…
    Or, if we’re *really* going for things I’m never gonna get, a teleport would be pretty awesome 😀

  149. What I really want (and thanks for asking, which is maybe what I want more – someone to ask) is laser hair removal instead of bi monthly Brazilians – b/c for God’s sake it sucks. I know, I know, maybe just let it be, but I just can’t freakin stand it.

  150. i should probably change my answer to “fixing the pipes in my bathroom so they don’t leak into my kitchen” BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT BEING PRACTICAL, IS IT. SUCK IT, BATHROOM! who needs a working sink anyway? not me. that’s why i have a slow-draining bathtub. it’s like a sink, but a few feet over and closer to the floor, amiright?

  151. I’d also like a cat that would STOP FUCKING MEOWING while I’m trying to enjoy my toddler free world for the next 20 minutes!

  152. I used to have pet chicken. For reals. She was the runt of the brood and all the other mean chickens pecked her, so we made her our pet. She had to live outside. My parents were mean like that. We named her Belina. I’m pretty sure I saw her laugh the day all the other chickens were packed up to head to the soup plant. She died of natural causes. RIP Belina. You were a good chicken.

  153. Magical Animals. Many, many of them. Little woodland creatures who come when I’m singing and twirling in a long blue dress with sparkly things on it. They clean my house, cook my food, sew my ball gowns, and cheer me up when my dwarfs (dwarves?) get too annoying. Also, a baby Shetland Cow, the fuzzy, white kind from Scotland, that has an adorable little cow face. (Someone else stole my alpaca idea, bastard). And I want back all the pets I ever had that died (alive, of course), specially my beautiful Yukon and Cherokee dogs, and Mozart the talking cockateil. And I want all of these magical animals to poop diamonds. And I want the guy that I was madly in love with in college to have a dream about ME for a change, and wake up wondering WTF was wrong with him to not have been madly in love with me when he had the chance.

  154. I want that bag in pixel camouflage I didn’t buy because I was too hesitant and now it’s gone, but only it’ll be easier to source, and not called something weird like Jam Croissant but something like Raptor Stomach: Keeps all Yo Shit Inside y’all. That’ll be cool.

    I want to buy a big four-poster bed I can read in with peace, and no fucking mosquitoes. And a few coconut trees I can run around with some scarves, pretending to be in a Hindi movie. Why? Hell if I know.

    And this is not technically something I can buy… but I’d trade all the above just to get into the graduate school I want to. And I’ll thrown in a unicorn.

  155. I really want a farm with a horse. I love horses and could never afford lessons or anything. I also want someone to come to my house and wash my hair for me. The girl that washes it when I get my hair cut is amazeballs and I’ll hire her to wash my hair every single day if I ever win the lottery.

    And I want to travel-but who doesn’t?

  156. I want that ability to sing a silly working song and have all the animals in my neighborhood come and clean my house. Of course, that would scare my dog shitless because he’s afraid of his own shadow.

    And I want a self-refilling glass of champagne with me always.

  157. I’d like a sheep farm in Scotland w/ a Border Collie. And also to have the Bruce Wayne superpower: be filthy stinking rich….

  158. my own art studio. Is that to extravagant? If so, I’ll take like a dozen moleskines… hell, I’ll take one. Between the hubs and the kids, I always put my wants last, lol.

  159. A new car
    A maid would be awesome, so would a cook.
    I’ve always wanted a canopy bed, but I would definitely need a maid with that, my allergies are bad.
    A nook, and a $1000 gift card to go with it, or a tunnel from my house to the library with a moving sidewalk, cause it’s about 3 miles away, with a key card so I could get in there at 11 at night.

  160. I want a permanent housekeeper. Someone to do laundry and dishes and vacuuming, because the dust bunnies are soon going to eat us alive. Also, a down payment on a house that’s big enough for the 3 enough, but also has room to expand.

  161. I want a hobbit house – but big enough for people. In front of a lake. With a garden.
    And a Tesla electric car.
    A sailboat. And the ability to sail.

  162. Well what do I want? PEACE and HARMONY! If it is a must to get zillions of inquiries a day – please – with reasonable wishes! No nobel-prize winners for dummies, no beauties for losers, no dream-princes for ladies with a few extra 100 pounds. Thanks! And peace out!!

  163. A real bedroom set. I have no headboard, mis-matched night stands and a hand-me-down dresser. I’d like a real honest-to-goodness matching bedroom set.

  164. I want a house with a library. But not just any library. I want the one in Beauty and the Beast that’s the size of a football stadium and (allegedly) contains every book in the world. I wouldn’t mind having some of those talking dishes to hang out with either. But not the talking teacup. That kid was an asshole.

    Also, it’s funny you should mention sword canes, because owning one is my dad’s biggest wish. We’re celebrating his 49th birthday next weekend. His sword cane has a dragon on it. I can’t wait to see his face.

  165. I want a self-cooling bed, so that when I’m sleeping and I wake up because it’s too hot [or, as was the case LAST NIGHT where I was up until fuck o’clock, can’t fall asleep because it’s too hot], the bed will automatically cool, and I won’t have to try and adjust my sheet/blanket/nightgown/how-much-to-open-the-window/fan-on-or-off ratio in a mathematical equation that is beyond my abilities at the best of times, much less when sleep deprived. Also, that way, I won’t have to figure out ways to move the husband closer and closer to the edge of the bed so that I have more space to find a cool spot. He’s already sleeping with his arm on the nightstand, poor bastard. So I’m actually getting this for both of us. I’m generous that way.

    Or my own swimming pool, that I don’t have to clean and is always the right temperature and has some smoking hot lifeguards.

    Either way.

  166. Two things: A pair of black ankle boots that will look non-orthopedic while also fitting my wide-ass feet, and digital copies of all my photos (this involves actually assembling them all, labeling the backs of each, and sending them to some place that scans them — so it’s not so much the expense as who-the-fuck-has-the-time-even-though-someone-else-is-doing-the-scanning.

  167. I would love to have my 20-year-old body back. And someone to clean the house so that it always looks awesome, like in a magazine, but not so stodgy that you’re afraid to touch anything. Oh, and a hot guy to touch me.

  168. I want a statue of a flying monkey flinging poo from the back of a purple elephant. That is all.

  169. One thing? I have 6-12 pages of Amazon Wish List. 🙂

    The top two things would probably be to upgrade the body of my DSLR camera (I’d really like a Canon 7D) and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer boxed set (and the Angel set, too). 🙂

  170. I wish my mom lived closer because I miss her.
    I wish my kid would learn to wipe her own butt.
    I wish I had a proper office set-up, rather than a dining room chair and my grandmother’s old kitchen table.
    I wish my daughter could have a baby sister (although that one could happen someday, I guess).

    More than any of that, though, I’d wish for enough money to pay off all debt that we owe. Selfish, probably. But yeah, that’s my #1 wish.

  171. I had to get rid of my beloved electric blanket a couple of years ago because dogs chewed cords, sparks flew, there was a tiny little fire. our lives were in danger, blah blah, blah.

    Big picture is I would give up a limb for an iPad. Not my limb, someone else’s. I really want one.

    RIght now – a decent night sleep is all I crave… ooh, and coffee flavoured ice cream for breakfast. Yep, that is all I can think of.

  172. I want a talking dog. But he can’t talk back. Because then we’d argue and what’s the point in having a talking dog if you were pissed at it? Seriously. In addition to talking he will know how to cook and clean. THat’s simply because I’m lazy and would like to just sit around. Plus someone would have to manage the stream of press coming to see my talking, cleaning and cooking dog. Oh and when he cooks he’d have to wear a hear net. Nobody wants to be pulling hair out of their food. That’s just gross.

  173. i have insomnia AND? a neighbor with a rooster. awesome. if i could have anything right now it would be one of those gazillion dollar pairs of noise canceling headphones! that way, when i fall asleep at 3am, the rooster won’t wake me up at 5. FIVE AM, PEOPLE! I CAN’T TAKE IT!

  174. I really want an Edward Cullen doll. I know it’s sounds crazy, but how cool would it be when someone called to say ” I was taking a bath with Edward Cullen”. Pretty cool right?…. Yea, I didn’t sleep well either last night.

  175. I would like a plane ticket to go see my girlfriend who lives four states away. I would like the state of Georgia to stop denying my residency claim so I can go to school and make living four states away worthwhile.

    In lieu of that, I would like one trillion dollars and an end to world hunger. A cure for cancer, maybe?

    I dunno, it al seems equally impossible.

  176. A smoking jacket. Hugh Hefner style. I don’t smoke, but sometimes I like to puff on cigars and pretend I’m a train. A smoking jacket would make the whole affair *very* classy.

  177. Personally, I sleep like a rock and always have, so I guess that automatically makes me the object of more than a few people’s scorn here, but I think what I’d like is more blog posts like this one so that I can read about housechickens that dust the shelves and self-shaving lady parts.

    And an Evelyn Wood speed-reading course, so that I can read about housechickens that dust the shelves and self-shaving lady parts…only faster.

    Oh, and an iPod; yep, I’m the last person on earth never to own an iPod. I’ve purchased one for every member of my family but never for myself. Am I a freaking martyr or what?

  178. Does it have to be something bought? Because what I want can’t be bought. I want my husband to quit cheating on me. That would be good. I want the woman he’s sleeping with to dump him. But most of all, I just want peace.

  179. a villa in italy with my own vineyard and some people to work them, cuz i don’t do that kind of work. my own bookstore (that i would work at). a new dslr camera. and i want to to hire someone to build a freeze-time machine so that i could freeze time, beat the crap out of someone, then unfreeze time and they’re just all bloody for no reason. these damn pregnancy hormones are making me more moody that usual 🙂

  180. Well, there are all kinds of unrealistic things I want, but if we’re talking obtainable things I want that I just haven’t bought for myself because I have to save my money for things like my mortgage and food and my dog’s medical bills, then I want to go to Harry Potter World, and I want to go to Europe for at least 1 month, and I want some sour gummi bears from the Amish market. And you know what?! Since I won’t be hopping on a plane to FL or Europe any time soon, I’m getting my damn gummi bears. Except not until Thursday because the market is only open Th-Sat.

  181. and when I say ‘Peace’ I don’t mean World Peace, because I’m not an asshole. I want inner peace. Yeah, I’m selfish like that.

  182. You totally need to go to Fleur de Paris in New Orleans. Fantastic hat shop in the Quarter. They totally have big giant hats and will customize them for you. Have a milliner right on the premises. I have one of theirs and dreeeeaaaaaam of owning more. Totally you can make that dream come true. And get great food for the weekend.

    For me, I want the hat from Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Talk about big giant hats!!

    I really want a tattoo. But I’m too much a nice girl to get one. sigh

  183. I’ve always wanted to dye an electric blue streak (to match the swearing) in my hair. It’s kind of my personal red dress. Doable? Absolutely! Not until I leave this uber-conservative job to rub bodies for a living? You bet!

  184. I would like a giant library in my own dream house; a library with every wall covered with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves–the kind with ladders attached that slide around so that you can reach the books at the tippy-top and also have a fabulous in-home amusement ride, that kind–with a big bay window and huge comfy leather armchairs with perfect lighting. Also a fireplace.

    Other people are allowed to sit there and read too, but they have to promise to be very quiet. So, no kids.

    Which means I also need a full-time nanny, preferably of the Mary Poppins persuasion but with less Judging Of Parents. Also a butler to bring me many lovely drinks, hot or cold depending, and snacks, while I sit and read. And to help me if I should have a Sliding Ladder Incident.

    So, um, this maybe means I need a Massive Inheritance From A Mysterious Stranger. Since I’m not likely to get any from relatives, at least any of whose existence I am aware.

    Or a tiny cat who never gets larger than a kitten. That would work too.

  185. I should note that I am only not asking for a unicorn because I’m really not willing to have the sexual status that would require. I fully intend to continue pounding (*snort* hehehe) that status into a far-distant memory on a regular basis.

  186. high ceilings. I would blow the roof right out of this tiny house and enjoy the feeling of space. Breathe, baby breathe.

  187. I want a maid and not that shitty deal where I have to pick up everything andyhey just come in and wipe the surfaces. No I want the kind that actually picks up and cleans and moves furniture!

  188. I want a time machine so I can go back and invent Penthouse, like, a week before Hugh Hefner does and then have his empire.

    Either that, or anti-virus software. All this porn has really screwed my system up.

  189. I would like a burqa. I know they are symbols of female oppression when you HAVE to wear them, but I would like to have the option to wear them here without looking like a fool. It would be so easy on those days you don’t want to be seen but have to go out. Get up, throw on the burqa and some shoes and boom, you’re ready for the day. Easy. I would also like one of those horns they play in the Ricola commercials. And a pet pygmy elephant. And world peace.

  190. since i just discovered the secret to no bad dreams and feel rather fortunate, I am going to give my wish to all Americans. I want Bill gates and Warren Buffet to pay off the national debt.

  191. A trampoline outside my bedroom window so I stop having to spend ages with the stairs and the door in the morning. Mm, bouncy.

  192. I want a miniature pony.

    And a panda. Which I can then teach to ride the miniature pony.

    And a pink cowboy hat, for the panda to wear.

    That much cuteness in one place will definitely make me lots of money, thus supplying my last wish of being independently wealthy and not having to go through with my plan to slaughter my workmates.

  193. Yup, I’m in the winning lottery ticket camp.

    The BIG Super Mega Prize Lottery. Where you win, like, forty billion dollars.

    I promise to do oodles of charity work.

  194. Staff. Not staph — the two are not interchangeable. Or if they are, I don’t want to know about it. Staff. A housekeeper. And an organizer, to come in and FINALLY forgodssake do something about my study. I hand her my credit card, she comes back with order out of the chaos. I’d add in there a decent web person to come in and update my @#$%^!!! photography website for me, but since being a webmaster is my day job, I don’t have the heart to inflict myself as a customer on anyone. If I had the first two, I might be able to manage the third on my own.

    All of my fantasies revolve around having people come in and fix all of the broken stuff I don’t have time (or skills, or the indomitable spirit) to fix myself.

  195. I want Neil Gaiman’s life! OK not exactly, because as awesome as I think Amanda Palmer is I still like guys better. But jeeze have you seen the great shit he has been doing lately.? Hanging out on the Dr. Who set. Having dinner with Terry Pratchett, Diane Wynne Jones, Suzanna Clark. actually just hanging out with Neil himself. Maybe being Amanda Palmer would be even better. I can Rock, and I’ve been an actress and Neil Gaiman is sooo Hot.

  196. I would love a bra that fits. Okay that is downright embarassing. Oh and a pair of cowboy boots.

  197. Now, you’re quite unspecific. Do we get a bunch of wishes for stuff we want? Or only one?
    Cause if I only get one, then I’m totally wishing for a million more wishes. And don’t you tell me that I can’t do that, because that’s a total rip off if I can’t wish for more wishes.
    Anyway, I’d probably want a unicorn.
    A fire-breathing unicorn.
    A fire-breathing unicorn that’s saliva can cure cancer!
    A fire-breathing unicorn that’s saliva can cure cancer that also has the power to shape shift into anything I tell it to!!!!!
    I’d also like the power of mind control so that I can take over the world.
    What’s this? None of things are possible???? Well. That sucks.
    Fine, I’ll take a trillion dollars and my own island that I will name “Only Awesome People Can Come Here Island”. It will also be taken care of my own personal staff that will consist of extremely attractive muscled guys. Who have a strict uniform of shorts, and no t-shirt.
    Oh!! And my own personal ninja dolphin that can fly.

  198. I want a staff. Not the stick kind. People.
    People who will fact-check any claim I hear that sounds suspicious, help me plan ways to improve the world, help me do the things I want to do but that I tend to put off or do very poorly on my own. Like hiring staff. Or getting a job. Yes, if I could choose between a staff and a job, I would absolutely choose a staff. Staff like a major politician has, except I don’t necessarily need to be a politician. But I could be, if that was part of the deal. I’d enjoy designing policy if I had a staff to do research and keep me on task!

  199. A crawfish pond so I can have boiled crawfish for dinner whenever I want. Or a wind turbine because of, you know, the environment. Actually what I really want is to live next door to you, so that you can come wake me up when you’re having trouble sleeping. I bet you’re a riot after dark. We could prank the neighbors and people would blame all the teenagers because who’s gonna suspect a couple of mommies? No one, is who.

  200. I would like my estrogen back, thank you very much. I suppose if i had that back, i wouldnt want/need laser hair removal, facelift, smaller pores, better fingernails, better hair,better eyesight, better MOOD. And i bet if i had that back, i would have a decent orgasm again.

    i trip around the world. i want to see it all and i am becoming afraid that i wont ever see anything except the path of “tornado alley” meaning the middle…from Nebraska to Texas….have you SEEN 1-35 in Kansas? I want to see Morocco and the Greek Islands, and Berlin and Bali, TIERRA DEL FUEGO, Macchu Picchu…

  201. I’ve always wanted a pet Monkey. But he has to be potty trained and not throw his feces around and/or eat it. Because well…that’s just gross.

  202. I want some of those magical chickens. I want them bad. And one of those Optimus Prime helmets that make your voice sound like his. Some candy would be nice, and a hot breakfast and an endless supply of shoes ’cause my new dog keeps eating mine. And a farm, with lots of animals. And footie pjs with NO trap door, ’cause that’s just nasty.

    But mostly, I want my boyfriend to come over, be in a good mood for once, and fuck me like he means it. I mean damn, it’s been a month already! Give it up! I’ll even let you wear the Optimus Prime helmet! And if you wear it during sex, I’ll make you cookies after.

    Oh, yeah, I’d like some cookies and a glass of very cold milk.

  203. This is totally a rip-off of other people who mentioned going to Hogwarts, but that’s what I would want so that I could obtain and learn to use a wand. I know that JK Rowling was all worried about “plot lines”, but she really left out a lot of shit that could be done with a wand.

    My hair looks like ass? WAND! Sleek and shiny.

    My muffin top is eating my pants? WAND! Instant lypo.

    I just finished off my last bottle of wine? WAND! Wine is literally pouring from my wand directly into my mouth. Because it’s a magical fucking wand. Magical.

  204. I really want a house with a secret room, and a secret tunnel to go with it. When we ever build a house it is totally going to have a secret room!!

  205. Insomnia totally sucks. I also think it is a precursor to becoming a Zombie…you might want to see a doctor about that. It would totally suck if you became a Zombie because I don’t think Zombie’s can swing.

  206. I want a personal hair stylist in my home so I never have a bad hair day again … and a gun that shoots out slim, mounted on the side of my car for when people piss me off on the hi-way … and a new washing machine for my husband would be nice to!

    Hope you get some sleep.

  207. I would like to be one of those people who do not gain weight when I don’t exercise for 2 hours everyday and be able to eat cake and cookies. But you can’t buy that. Well you caaan, but only if you’re Britney-esque. I am not. A responsible wish would be full time employment plus benefits, but that’s lame when you’re wishing. Wishes should always be superfluous, though well thought out, i.e. Hyperbole and a Half:

  208. I want my own chauffeur because I fucking hate to drive. No shit, if I won the lottery that would be the first thing I would use the the money for–a chauffeur. I encourage my kids to get their licenses as soon as possible so they can drive me around, but alas, I’m down to the last kid. Soon she’ll leave for college then what the hell will I do?

  209. I want Tina Fey to be in love with me, but not stalkerish freaky love, but the kind of love in which she wants me when she sees me (oh and I want her to see me about 3x a month), but then after I have my way with her I want it to not count so that I don’t destroy my awesome relationship with the love of my life and then I want us both to go on with our lives, stragely satisfied but as if nothing happened.

    In short, I want to ride the magic acid bus into fairy land where I rule and the laws of physics don’t apply.

    Wait,.. what?

  210. I want a penguin.

    And if anyone dare tell me I can’t let a penguin live in my basement, they have never read Mr. Popper’s Penguins and I feel bad for them. He had a ton of penguins. Like, an entire flock. In his basement.

    I am so jealous.

  211. I want 7 nights alone with my wife in an all expenses paid house on stilts in the ocean where it’s warm and the ocean is make believe blue and cabana people (not sexist) row up in ornate native canoes to deliver us whatever we desire and to take us to the main Island for dinner and dancing and a magic bong where the weed wouldn’t taint our pee and the memory of smoking it would automatically disappear when we got home so we wouldn’t have to lie to the kids.

    And a new house in a neighborhood where the houses were more than three feet apart and the neighbors knew how to shut the fuck up. And a new book.

  212. Hmm.. Ok, I want a pot that my eggs won’t stick to, a giant rocket shaped slide in place of stairs and an old VW love bus. You know, the one with the crazy hippy flowers and shit painted on them? Except, I would probably repaint it like a hippopotamus because they have always looked like hippos to me and that way I would have to worry about all the crazy tree huggers trying to hitch a ride because who (besides me) really wants to ride in a giant hippopotamus with no air conditioning?

  213. A new spine that doesn’t try to twist upon itself like a demented maypole with my muscles. …

    And a coffee that I could drink all day and night without causing my innards to percolate in that dangerous way-past-the-two-cups-you-should’ve-drank-and-now-I’m-gonna-Explode! kinda way…

  214. someone to buy my house in central florida for at least $140K so we can pay off the mortgage. someone to hire my mother and husband for good paying jobs in new york (not at the same place). these two things will enable me to move back to new york and away from the heat and tourists and horribleness that is central florida.

    that’s all i really want. to be able to move back to new york. because florida really sucks big floppy donkey dick.

    i also wouldn’t say no to having my 19 year old body back. i was pretty hot back then. maybe not by everyone’s standards, but i looked smoking hot as a size 16. i’d like that, too. thanks.

  215. I want a few things. Not just one. A few. First, I want there really to be a vampire like edward. Oh I know! I know!! Edward and twilight and vampires are so last year. But I can’t help it. But I wouldn’t be into bloodsucking because that’s gross. Also, I want a BUNCH of chickens – running around deep in my backyard so they don’t bug me, but they lay alot of eggs so I can just go to my yard and pick them up and eat them without having to pay anything. Which brings me to wanting a great garden, without having to actually do the gardening. For all of the reasons of the chicken except the egg part. And I would take a cow for the same reason but I think I would feel too guilty to kill it and eat it so it would turn into a pet cow and then I might have to name it something all cute, like… Mister Moo or something. And finally, I want a craft room. And an upstairs vacuum, and a labradoodle and definitely a really good but easy to use camera. With a zoom. And someone mentioned knitting. I want that too. I want to be a knitter. And a sewer. NOT a SEWER but a SEW-er. Like, a person who can sew!! Just to clarify. Because who would want to BE a sewer?? Nobody would. Because there is way too much poop and chemicals involved. Anyway. That’s all I could come up with on such short notice.

  216. I want a voucher good for any airlines and good for life that all 3 of my kids could use, so they could visit their bio dad any time they wanted and he couldn’t use the cost as an excuse not to see them. *sigh*

  217. Secret Agent Ninjas, of course. They would be like James Bond but then do that Mission Impossible thing where they pull off their rubber face and underneath is the Ninja hooded face and the enemy would be all: “WTF dude, you just removed your face to show me a Ninja-mask face? I know what your face looks like already.” But then they would be karate-chopped to unconsciousness and most likely die of unconsciousness when the boat explodes. See, that’s why insomnia is good for you, Jenny. You don’t die in the movies when the boat/house/factory is blown to smithereens because YOU were swinging on the tire swing from a safe distance. Seriously, I think I just saved your life here. Don’t worry, you can owe me one.

    That, or I’d want a tuna sandwich. Mad hankering for a tuna sandwich. And I have tuna. I think I’m about to get my wish today. Ha ha, suckers!

  218. I’ve really truly always wanted a monkey. Not the big scary kind with fangs and red butts, but the cute kind that always sorta looks like a baby.
    Creepy? Maybe a little

  219. Oh yeah!! I forgot one thing!! I want a pool that has its own tube slide thing that goes far and fast, like at a water park. I hate water parks because I hate getting in a bathing suit in public and I hate the thought of germs and people peeing in the pool and swimming in someone’s pee. So yeah. I want one of those. But it has to be huge, otherwise the ride is too short and the effort to climb back up for another ride would just be exhausting.

  220. I want time. Time for me. I am married, work full-time, go to school full-time, and have my elderly father living with me. I want to disappear just for a few days and do nothing.

  221. Fine. I’ll take a cute monkey that looks like a baby and wears baby clothes too. And possibly a dolphin in my pool. Except it would have to be able to do cool tricks. Which would probably mean a trainer. So then I’d have to have a guest house too because the trainer is definitely NOT sleeping in my house. I hate sleepovers. I would make an exception if the dolphin trainer was Edward Cullen. And then he could sleep in my bed. With me, of course. 🙂

  222. I want the power to be invisible so I can sneak around at work and find out who is talking about me AND I want whatever the hell that little girl in Firestarter had so I can set them ablaze with mah mind! God, that’d be awesome! Oh, and I want a robot. A robot that bakes cookies and knows how to french braid hair.

  223. I have too many things to list, and that fact makes me feel like a selfish b****. Thanks, Jenny, for that.

    Cross one thing off your list! I’m an EDITOR! You can have me for free! I spend hours at work reading your blog anyway, so I’m kinda already on someone’s payroll for it.

  224. I wish that I could feel as leg humpingly horny towards my husband as I do to Robert Pattinson. I think I’d pretty much be set.
    In lieu of that, I would like 3 million dollars. Enough to quit my job, buy a new camera & become a pithy photoblogger. But not so much that I’m expected to support all my extended family and risk my child growing up a spoiled lazy butthole.
    Yes, greedy and petty, just as it should be.

  225. I feel like I could better finance my college education if I started an alpaca farm in my backyard. I’ll buy two alpacas (that’s a reasonable numer, right?) and let them live in the barren part of the ard where the swimming pool will be. That’s a sound purchase, I think. A pet AND a business? Easily the best investment I could ever make.

    A baby pig would be awesome too…but not for profit. That would just be macabre.

  226. I dream of times when my husband and I are no longer both poor students and we can actually afford a La-Z-Boy. I’m gonna watch the s–t outta some TV in that thing.

  227. I’d like my cat to be able to fetch things. Like in a useful way. Not the way he does when I tie things to him and he freaks out and breaks things. That’s fun for no one.

    If the useful butler cat is out of the question I’ll take the ability to never get sick.

    Wait. I just re-read your question… we have to name something that can be bought?
    Damn it.

    Fine. I guess I’d want a swimming pool filled with brown-bag surprises.
    You know, those brown paper bags filled with random stuff that you have to buy before you know what is inside. I’ve only ever seen them at carnivals or fairs, which is a shame. Sure they’re always filled with useless crap, but the anticipation of not-knowing is exciting. And there’s always a chance you’ll get something amazing. Like one of those fake plastic mustaches.

    Also, maybe one of the bags I get can be filled with a million dollars?
    Think of all the brown-bags surprises I could get then…..

  228. I want:
    A small, cozy apartment in Copenhagen
    A good digital camera. Canon EOS, I think. So I can get on that photographer dream of mine.
    To be able to speak fluent Hebrew and Arabic. Now.
    A sweet boyfriend, who likes to wear patterned shirts, knitted cardigans and striped t-shirts.

  229. A really, really gorgeous fountain pen or twenty.

    And a housekeeper. Yes, I would buy a housekeeper. No, that’s slavery, isn’t it. Hm. A housekeeping service? I could buy one of those and then have them all work here. Do housekeepers do manicures? I could send one to beauty school…

  230. You know, I actually have a REAL CANE with a sword in it. And a shellaylie. That’s not how you spell it, but it’s how it sounds. I’ll have to show you my Grandfather’s cane collection someday.

    I want two sets of hand dyed organic wool to make stuff out of.

    And yards and yards of fun fabric, and time, time without my one year old screaming at me.

  231. The one thing I have been wishing for the last 3 years, more vacation time. At this point, I just want the vacation time to sit at home and stare. I don’t even have to go away. I would take 1 week of total and complete vegging and 1 week of actually enjoying my neighborhood. And since we are wishing, just a little bit of money to buy fancy groceries to get creative in my kitchen.

    If not, I will take Paolo. He is the bulldog I want and have already named. But if the universe finally gives me Paolo it also needs to give me a S/O that likes dogs.

  232. I want world peace. Ok not really.

    I would buy a cotton candy machine. ymmmm…. Damn now I need to go find somewhere that sells cotton candy cuz I want some!

    p.s. I have a ukulele for sale! (I saw you want one I can hook you up…. just saying i can make at least one of your dreams come true)

  233. A trip to England or France. I sooooo need to get the f**k out of this place. I would also like a time machine for two reasons: 1) to go twenty years in the future so that I can see that everything’s going to be alright (and that effer better lie to me if it isn’t) and 2) so that I can periodically go back in the past and visit with some people that I really miss.

    I think I like yours better. A bustle would be super cool. Baby’s got back!

  234. I want a TV that’s actually bigger than my laptop screen, not the other way around.

    I’d also like to aim for a dude peeing. I’ve always been jealous that I don’t have a penis to aim with. Not that being a girl makes aiming impossible; I know how to aim. It’s just not as versatile as I imagine a penis would be. You need a penis to make ART. Pee art.

    …Maybe there’s a reason god didn’t give me a cock.

  235. This reminds me of Steve Martin’s “A Holiday Wish” back when SNL was actually funny.

    Also, before my FIL passed away, he had gotten very weak. We had taken him to a smoke shop in Washington to buy a cheap cane to help him get around. He, of course, picked the most elaborate, distinguishably looking one. A few weeks after the purchase, he was on his way to California to visit his new granddaughter, with his cane. Apparently, the smoke shop canes are multi-purpose. Upon going through security, post 9/11, he was thrown against the wall, handcuffed and taken into a back room. The TSA agents made him aware that there was a sword in the cane. He had no idea. And for the few years afterward, his sons always had a little extra screening when flying.

  236. A private jet so I can get outta’ dodge whenever I please. And also, a pet pig, because what isn’t awesome about a pet pig? They’re allegedly smarter than dogs, and quite sanitary, contrary to popular belief. Unless of course, you put them in a pig pen. Duh.

  237. Oooh, I want a pet chicken too! I always thought I was alone in that. Also? Apparently foxes make awesome pets. They act like something halfway between a cat and a dog. I totally want one of those. And a million-dollar gift certificate to Barnes and Noble that I can put on my Nook and be able to read whatever books I want for the rest of my life. And an ultrasound machine. Not the kind that looks at babies. The kind that sends sound waves into your muscles and is like a meta-massage.

    You know what? Fuck all that. I want a huge private island in the Carribean.

  238. I want a library in my house. With one of those ladders on a track… And if I can’t have that, then I want an e-reader since I have run out of space on my bookshelves….

    And a pony.

  239. I want a blue car (automobile) with squid vicious tattood on the side (painted)

    if I cannot be granted such an extravagant wished then I want to be re:you knighted with old neighbors from two doors down

  240. I’d love a parrot that can ride a bike and rollerskate on a tightrope – very unPC but they love it otherwise they wouldn’t do it surely? Either that or they’re drugged in which case that would be even cooler – a trike riding tightrope skating dope or PCP addicted parrot.

  241. Ugh, its hard to pin down one thing. I want to be able to sleep without worrying about getting into college. In fact – I want to be accepted to my college of choice. Not a free-ride, cause that’s too much, but just an acceptance. Unless it bumps someone who really needs it off the list. Like a thirteen year old Chinese girl who will probably cure cancer except now she won’t because I took her spot at college. Way to go me.

  242. So, you can find bustles on a website called which is cool because they have people who spend all of their time making Victorian-like clothing such as bustles. I know this because I wanted to have a cool costume for Halloween since my friends are having a Clue party and I wanted to look amazingly riduculous. Mostly because nothing tops amazingly ridiculous. I know because I’m a fan of the Evil Dead movies…definitely amazingly ridiculous. Maybe I should just get an Evil Dead costume? I don’t know if that fits the Clue theme though…I wonder if a Boom Stick instead of an arm would count if I were to go dressed as Mrs. White?
    Anyway, you can buy a bustle from Maybe they have tire swings and electric blankets, too.

  243. A car that is less than 5 years old. We currently have one that is 13 yrs old and another that is 21 yrs old. Brand new is a pipe dream, but newer would be great.

  244. Thats right Victor, cause if mama ain’t sleepy , no one is!
    And world peace is for Miss USA … I want a nuclear bomb!

  245. I want a new job. Preferably doing something I like. Also, in no particular order, I’d like a weiner dog, 4lbs of cheese, a new (and more obedient) uterus, and a Las Vegas showgirl outfit.

  246. I want real live mice to entertain my cat. But I want them to be incapable of suffering, so I don’t feel guilty, and I want them to disappear as soon as he swallows them, so I don’t have to clean up the indigestible parts.

    And I want Ormonde Woman body oil. If it doesn’t have parabens in it. Or I want Neutrogena’s Sesame Oil to stop having parabens in it.

    If I can purchase a modicum of common sense (don’t buy the donuts; don’t stay up until 5am; don’t read all the bloggess comments when you should be working), I’d like that, too.

  247. I WANT to go home and get in my bed with my giant dogs and watch the threepack of silly girl romance movies I just bought. ALL OF THEM. Anna and the King, Austrailia, Ever After, YES, YES! I want the Boyfriend in bed with the smelly dogs and me, and I want an unlimited supply of calorie free tacos.

    That doesn’t seem near outrageous enough. I DO want an unlimited supply of calorie free tacos. I also want a jacuzzi sized bathtub that I can actually bathe in. All the bathrubs around me (I’m not surrounded by them, I mean, in houses I frequent) are tiiiiny and I feel like a troll in a hobbit bath. I just want to freaking float and soak and not feel hugenormous.

    I want a magical hair-do that is both chic and out of the effing way. I want to not have to deal with wet hair and lots of it after my large bathtub soak and wash session.

    I want 3897 new books that I haven’t read, that have great plots, gorgeous language, and loveable characters. They should make me giggle a little, cry a lot, and generally fall in love with each and every one.

    Also, did I mention the unlimited supply of calorie free tacos? And the snuggling of a boy and my dogs?

  248. I want a pegasus. Or a pygmy jerboa. Or maybe one of those teensy little monkeys that I can’t remember the name of right now, but they’re adorable and like fit on your finger….Okay, I want a zoo of tiny, fuzzy, adorable creatures that would keep me in the “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!” state for ever and ever. And the pegasus. Cause flying around on your own magical horse would be awesome.
    Also, Ambien only works for about five hours, Trazadone only makes me high for about thirty minutes and wears off, and I can’t wake up for 12 hours minimum on Benadryl. If you ever find the magic antidote, please let us know!!!!! I’ll be awake. Any hour is good.

  249. I want a house with secret passageways, or at least secret rooms. And a Birkin bag – a real one, one that cause people to either feel incredible lust or yell at me about starving children – not a knock-off like I already have and love, but is not the real thing. And that really super cozy barrel chair I sat in at Weekends Only but didn’t buy because $180 was too much to spend on an impractically light-colored chair we didn’t need.

  250. Brownie… Graduation… Nap… For corsets to become both insanely popular and comfortable. A trip, by myself, that turns out as awesome as I plan it, and then another awesome trip with my bf that I appreciate even more because of the trip alone.

  251. Okay- it’s really dumb but I really want one…
    an Irish Fisherman’s Sweater.
    I mean the sweater that’s made in Ireland. Not a fisherman from Ireland’s sweater. I’d hate to be the cause of some fisherman catching his death of pneumonia. Although if he lived in America he would have access to antibiotics so pneumonia would be less likely to kill him. But then he wouldn’t be an Irish Fisherman and the sweater would be useless.
    And still no sweater.

  252. all i want is a tutor who can pull my jaws open and stuff all this mindless maths and chemistry down my throat so i don’t have to stay up all night another night in my life.
    Seriously insomnia, you guys? Here, take some of my 24 hour present sleep so maybe i can study in peace *shoves bag of sleep into cd rom*

  253. I want a jawline, one that other people can see and that shows in photos. And a really expensive “stressless” chair. And for someone to buy my house.

    Also, a butler. I’ve always wanted a butler. That I way I could say “Get the door Percy” when someone knocks, even though I’m only 12 feet from the door. And he could say things like “Dinner is served Madam” except he would not call me “Madam” because that sounds old, probably he would call me “Miss” or “My Lady”. He could also answer the phone and say I’m in important meetings when really I’m just in my fancy chair taking photos of my jawline.

  254. I would like my high school figure back. I’d even be willing to meet it halfway.
    An iPad loaded with plenty of cool apps and iBooks to read.
    A chicken so that I can have fresh eggs.
    A retirement account with a six digit balance. That would be 6 numbers to the left of the decimal.
    Rosco (my son’s amazing dog who now lives 3,000 miles away).

  255. Plane tickets so that I can see my step-daughter, hubs and youngest grandson in the flesh. Either to bring them here or to take Mrs F and me there. Skype is ok, but I really miss them.

    Or a unicorn. I’m easily pleased.

  256. Unrealistic wish – a totally paid for all mine decorated by Sarah Richardson swanky cabin/lake home/estate/retreat on the shore of Lake Superior – just a quick drive to Grand Marais, MN.

    Less Unrealistic wish- A spa day with the works (except a bikini wax)

    More realistic wish – a haircut

  257. A fully functioning Harry Potter wand. Because then if I ever had any wants in the future, I’d just be all “Accio Johnny Depp” and he’d come soaring through the air towards me, probably slightly bruised from the journey. (Why did people need to apparate or use floo powder if somebody could just accio them, anyway?) I might feel a bit bad if I accidentally accioed something that somebody was using, though. I’d be sure to accio only from assholes and from the Apple Store (so yes, from assholes) and then I’d both be getting what I wanted and stealing from the Apple Store so making everybody else happy too. Because everybody hates the Apple Store. Stupid patronising citrus fruit bastards. When I ruin my iPod by spilling Tango all over it, I don’t need you to tell me that “electronics and Tango don’t mix”.

    Actually, a new iPod would suffice.

  258. I want the giant hat from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

    and unlimited storage for my macbook which I never need to back up.

    and a house at the Oregon coast.

    and the ability to teleport when you’ve just clicked with a hot, interesting man who lives on the other side of the country.

  259. I’ve had insomnia for the past 4 years – no sleeping pills work on me because apparently my brain is defective. So I’ve been taking 6 benedryl and 3 Tylenol PM every night to sleep – which is approximately the amount that an elephant requires to be knocked out. It’s the only thing that does the trick. And now my Dr says that my liver is pissed at me because of all the pills . . . so I guess I would wish for a new liver, or a really good counselor that can explain to my liver why it needs to stop being so difficult. So I could take even MORE pills.

  260. Hi Jenny,

    I have been following your blog for over two months now, and each day at work I look forward to reading it to inspire me and help me feel sane. Totally floored!

    I wish Hailey a very happy birthday. Congratulations to you and Victor for having such a survivor and being cool parents.

    And I want to comment to your post today: I want a thermos water bottle, the kind I used to take to school as a child and I want a laptop skin for mine lappy.

    You’re cool!

  261. I wish to be 125 pounds (without having to exercise or diet). Also, I’d like a beautiful hat from this shop: I’ve walked around in there, but I’ve never had an extra few hundred dollars to spend on a hat …

  262. I would like a walk in tile shower with several massaging shower heads and an unlimited supply of hot water and time to spend in there without being bothered. Or maybe being bothered by my husband, but not my 7 yr old son who is the only one who currently feels the need to knock on the bathroom door while I’m trying to take a relaxing shower in my current crappy bathroom.

    Also I would like some magic jeans like in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants so that I don’t have to go shopping for jeans and worry about the size of my a$$.

  263. I want a copy of Photoshop CS5. I’m not a pro or anything. I don’t even know how to use it that well. But I want to learn how to use it to create awesome digital art that makes people cry because it’s so awesome. And so I can remove the dark circles from under my eyes in all of my photos.

  264. I would like a new career as some sort of military special forces gun shooter. I guess they call that a “sniper.” I don’t really think this kind of career is in the cards for me since I am a 40 year old writer and mom. Also, I’ve never shot a gun. I just think it would be cool to sneak around and pick off super bad guys.

  265. I want leather pants. I could just go out and get leather pants, but I want to wear them appropriately, and I don’t like the places where leather pants are currently appropriate. So I don’t just want leather pants, I want them to BE appropriate for the work place or the other places I would be caught dead in (what a stupid expression). I should clarify that I don’t work in or frequent a brothel or tattoo parlor, so as to emphasize that I actually HAVE a dilemma and an apparently unattainable wish.

    I’d like a new kitchen too, but that’s more unattainable than the leather pants.

  266. The one thing I’d want is to live in Mayberry with Aunt Bee and Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney. If not Mayberry then Eureka with all the neat science toys and gadgets and that walk in freezer at Cafe Diem where it goes on for ever and anything you want is magically in there.

    P.S. I read your blog to my husband all the time and he said he sympathizes with Victor.

  267. I want a potter’s wheel.

    and also a saxophone. I don’t play, but think having one would make me feel more intelligent… more cultured… hotter, really.

    And a typewriter.
    I think that covers it.

  268. A shank. Preferably one made by a prisoner.

    So I can use it on my boyfriends leg when HE has insomnia and he’s trying to pull the moves on my happily sleeping self.

  269. I want vast quantities of really cool old jewelry that I could take apart to make into even cooler new jewelry. A lot of it should be from France and be at least 75 years old. I really want lots of old religious icon type jewelry. But it also all has to be already broken or damaged just a little so that I don’t feel guilty when I take it apart. Ooooooooh…I’m salivating just thinking about it!

  270. I want to be already accepted by the medical school I want to go to. That way, I wouldn’t have to be studying for the MCAT, and I could just chill and have fun and actually have time to blog and read.

  271. Right at this very moment, I want most of all for you not to have anyone editing your words. I visit often just to appreciate them.

  272. Firstly, I have killed chickens by not feeding them…it’s a lot harder to have chickens than one might think. Long story short – we moved into hubby’s parents old house when they moved out – lived rent free for about 6 months. There was a barn…way down in the pasture…and uh…we forgot there were 4 chickens down there. Killed em. And PETA can kiss my butt because first…IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL…and SECONDLY…if YOU’RE a chicken and you’re starving to death…dontcha think you’d be clucking up a fucking STORM DOWN THERE? I mean…HELLOOOOOOO!

    Now I forgot what I wanted….thanks a lot Jenny.

  273. An apartment in the middle of Madrid. Oh my God, just thinking about makes my lady bits tingle. Hmmmmm. And an incredible wine cellar to boot. Cheers!

  274. I’ve barely slept in two weeks. I’d buy sleep if I could. Like three weeks worth, for good measure.

    Also I’d really love a piece of death by chocolate, chocolate cake, from the Cheesecake factory.

  275. One of those ‘Oil of Olay expensive as hell but will give me a magical face makeover without plastic surgery’ kits.
    Or a pygmy goat. I think if I had a pygmy goat people wouldn’t care what my face looked like. They would just say, “There goes that crazy lady with the pygmy goat.”

    Yeah. I want a pygmy goat!

  276. I would like a sex swing. But I want the kind of sex swing that comes with a Knight In Shining Armour. And I want the real thing, not some knock off swing from China Town that comes with a Retard Wrapped In Tinfoil. OR! OR! If they are all out of the real deal Sex Swing with Knight In Shining Armour I would like a cleaner that gets blood out of carpet, curtains and other things without damaging the material. ‘Cause that would be realistically handy where the sex swing is just for fun.

  277. I want to be able to control my dreams, or maybe I mean plan them in advance, like choosing a channel before sleeping.

  278. I want an instant transportation machine, a la Star Trek. Or a time machine. Or a combo – that would be sweet! Back in time AND across the country in the blink of an eye? Even better with a ‘random destination’ option, making for surprise vacations!

    Also, a way to get back after I’m done.

  279. oh, so many things…
    1. tempur pedic bed. so i don’t have to suffer through my own insomniatic nights…
    2. motorcycle. because they are handy, and also really badass, not to mention easy to park.
    3. a sex drive that’s a bit more synced up with my partners’
    4. unlimited numbers in my bank account!
    and an electric car, and a pony….
    : ]

  280. I want to be able to play the piano. I took lessons and practiced for years when I was a kid. I still can’t play the freakin’ piano. My last piano teacher said my stumpy little fingers were part of what was holding me back…and probably my lack of being able to keep tempo. I can sing ok. I can keep tempo when I sing. But my hand’s do not have music in them. I also took lessons on the cello, the guitar and I taught myself trombone and violin. Really couldn’t play any of those either, despite the lessons. So, I want to be able to play the piano….with my stubby fingers…because I’m really pretty used to them and they type just fine. I don’t need to be a classical concert level pianist (such a dirty, dirty sounding word)… I just want to be able to play well enough to sit down and play whatever I feel like… in front of other people (or just for myself) …and have it sound good.

    And a flying car….it’s freakin’ 2010 and I remember as a kid in the 1960s we were PRETTY DANG SURE WE’D HAVE FLYING CARS BY NOW! (Dear Tesla, stop working on electric cars that run on roads and make some FLYING ELECTRIC CARS. You’re welcome.)

  281. I want a vacation house somewhere lovely that I don’t have to share. I just want it to exist so that every time it gets too hot, or I’m tired of work I can count down to the start of my vacation with the serene knowledge that I will be somewhere beautiful all by my fucking self. That sounds like heaven to me.
    The reason I want just one is that I don’t want to have to make any goddamn decisions. I just want to go.

  282. No lie, there is a freaking tire that I spray painted red sitting on my front porch for the tire swing that I told my husband to hang 19 weeks ago. It’s still on my porch. My wish is that I had a husband that took better direction.

    And I could really go for the entire Anthropologie catalog delivered overnight to my front door. The delivery driver can leave it on the porch, right next to my red tire.

  283. I want all the time in the world to sew. I love to sew but it takes sooooo much time. Or maybe my problem is I make it harder than it is. I guess I really could just dive in and sew like my sister does. I’d get a whole lot more done.
    Thanks for your unedited post. Made me smile in my cold-induced-delirium while listening to kids fighting in the background.

  284. And liposuction and boob lift. And can I get my legs stretched? Like Kyle did on South Park, but without having testicles as knee implants that would explode if i jumped? Jumping fun and I really don’t want a pair of testes. Let’s see…New clothes. A cruise around the world. House without a stinky basement. New bed and pillows that don’t stay misshapen by my husbands apparently misshapen head.

  285. I want to lose 50 pounds, I want a magic self cleaning/cooking house, I want to be obscenely rich, I want a whole new wardrobe, and I want some kids that damn well listen, already! Unfortunately, the magic house is about as likely as the kids who listen.

  286. A chaise. I am in desperate need of a chaise. For real. The chair/ottoman situation is not cutting it. I need to press the ottoman close to the chair and then cover it with blankets because of the gap. If I do not do this, the dog will jump up to snuggle and fall through said gap ruining my quiet moment. If I do pull it close, then it is too short and I really cannot stretch out to relax while watching TV. And by relax I mean sleep. It is my nap before bed time time.

    Can someone just please get me a chaise?

  287. A crossbow. With stakes. Like Buffy. My husband says no, that’s dangerous and I say, “only if you’re a vampire. Are you a vampire?” Then he said, “Yeah. I’m totally a vampire.” I said, “SEE? That’s why I need a crossbow!”

    And now I’m not allowed to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer anymore.

  288. An Eames chair. And to have not yet read The Hunger Games trilogy so I can sit in my Eames chair and read those books for the first time. And Romper Room bucket stilts. I almost bought an amazing gigantic royal-family-at-Ascot hat but I didn’t because it was crazy expensive even on sale and then ran back a half hour later to get it and it was gone. So let’s add that one to the list too.

  289. Well, if I”m going to be practical, I want to go on a shopping spree for some clothes because since I had my son I now seriously only have one pair of jeans and 3 shirts that fit me. Which wouldn’t be so terrible if my son was still a newborn. But he turns two in a couple of weeks, so…..

    If I”m going to be impractical then I want a castle to live in. With banquets and moats and horses. You know, all the usual castle type stuff. 🙂

  290. Insomnia is the devil. It’s funny, my last post is actually about trying to fall back asleep. I digress, though.

    What I would really like to buy myself is the thing I scoffed at for so long for being a waste of time, money and brainspace. I held out for years, smug in my knowledge that my life was absolutely complete without it. Yes, I am speaking of the iPhone. Eighty billion FB status updates and umpteen articles later, I have not only reversed my stance, but now I find that I Must Have One. I was totally going to write something funny as my thing I wanted to buy myself but I couldn’t focus enough to think of something else because THAT’S HOW BADLY I NEED AN iPHONE.

  291. I want Pixie Stix like you wouldn’t believe. More sweaters would be nice too… and some more work pants so I don’t have to do laundry every single damn weekend…

  292. I want free gasoline for life, some super sexy lingerie that actually fits my tig ole bitties and looks devastatingly hot, and an unlimited travel budget for my wedding so I can fly everyone out who says “we can’t afford to fly out…but we love you!”

  293. I used to have a pet chicken. His name was Lazarus and he could turn the stereo on and off with his beak. He didn’t like Andrew Lloyd Webber music, but he did like Queen, which is awesome.

    I wish for someone to just walk up to me with $50,000 and say “here, you have to spend all this in the next 3 hours. Have fun.” Also it should totally be non-counterfeit, and wouldn’t get me into trouble for any reason.

  294. To be independently wealthy. And, a trainer – because if I didn’t have to work I’d need someone to make me get my ass out off the couch.

  295. I know everybody here is all “I want a pony” and “I want liposuction”. Those are legitimate wishess. But me…I want friends. What happened to me is that last spring I had a nervous breakdown due to stress and burnout at work and I wasn’t taking care of myself plus my boyfriend broke up with me. Then, owing to weird circumstances, I ended up homeless for awhile. You know, sleeping in your office isn’t as fun as it sounds. After that, almost everyone I knew treated me like I was radioactive. I miss having friends. I miss having a person to put on my “please contact if” forms. I’m lonely. So my wish, I guess, is for friends who stay. Now I’m going to go have a good cry & then pick up my kids.

  296. Tickets to the Big Day Out. The line up this year is Tool and Iggy Pop. My husband and I are mega Tool fans. But nooooooooooo, I had to reach some sort of fulfilment in my life, quit my job, go to uni, give my husband crippling depression and make us broke. BrokeitybrokeassBROKE. So we can’t go and it’s all my fault. I fucking hate my life. Thanks for reminding me.

  297. I want someone to grade all this shit I give my students to do. I friggin’ give them *tons* of practice work and projects and labs and crap and then? They want me to give them a grade. WHat am I, a robot? I need sleep, people! And vodka!

  298. The first thing that popped into my head is a personal assistant (aka personal servant) to do my bidding at work, cook my meals, wash my clothes, etc. But that would probably just make me feel guilty.

    How about some really cute, sexy heels in a fun color but that still manage to go with almost anything and that are super comfy? Also a comfortable couch for my office so I could take a cat nap during my lunch break.

  299. I would buy a small waist (liposuction) and bigger boobs. Not necessarily in that order. Actually, I’ll be happy with either one. I’m flexible. Maybe desperate.
    Oh-and I’d buy a time machine.

  300. I want kisses. But unfortunately the person I want them from is out of town. So for now I would just like someone else to do things for me so I can stay in bed and mope?

    I would also really like a 60s wiggle dress, in purple.

  301. I’m going to go with a massage or a massaging back thingy. Because I’m a massage therapist and I can’t really massage my own back which hurts like god knows what right now.

  302. Vacation with or without the six kids – doesn’t matter – somewhere warm right in the middle of winter. A piano. And for my husband to write a book.

  303. the very first thing that comes to mind ….i really want a full night’s sleep, one without 15 reminders that my bladder is no longer ruled by me, but rather my baby – and one of those prenatal massage pillows so i can sleep on my stomach again. i am way over this side-sleeping crap…. man, i think about sleep a lot

  304. A trip to Colorado for an Integrate Retreat. I want to go. Am shamefully tempted to just charge it and worry about the cost later. But, can’t do it. Bugger good sense.

  305. I’d like a ring-tailed lemur, because screw you, that’s why.

    Actually right now, more than anything, I’d like a throat that doesn’t hurt. Been dealing with Pharyngitis for like 4 days and these stupid antibiotics aren’t really working. Of course it could be that I’ve been smoking a bunch too but… I’m gonna say it’s the antibiotics. Yeah.


  306. All I want is to move. That’s it. I want to pick up and move waif-style à la Natalie Portman’s character in Closer. But, alas, I have furniture and a husband and no money to do so. Someday…

  307. Have you hear of doctor fish? They are little fish that eat dead skin. Someone tried to open up a mani/pedi shop that used them to eat callusses off of your feet, and they got shut down because no one could figure out what department regulated reusable communal dead flesh eating animals. Anyway, I want my own set so I can have smooth feet.

  308. I want a house in another country. First choice is Italy because I have this awesome “Under the Tuscan Sun” type fantasy I’d love to live out. Second choice is Ireland. I love both countries but Ireland would have a definite language advantage in that I wouldn’t have to learn a new one.

  309. I buy myself everything so I guess I’d want to get out of debt
    Okay that’s a lie. I’d buy the debt, too.
    Looks like sleep is good for commenters, too. Maybe. Can no one read this please?

  310. I want to KNOW what I want. And to know how to get it. And then, have to courage to obtain it.

    I want not to be so scared of failing that I end up failing anyway.

  311. I always tell my husband that he’d know if we’ve ever won the lottery because there will be a firetruck parked in our driveway and a realistic looking alligator lawn ornament guarding the front door. So in short if I could buy anything it would be a firetruck and a fake gator. Forget world peace.

  312. please send me a farmer in a tutu. in return, i’ll give you a chicken. and some of my magical sleep potion (which i actually do have and will share with you because you are a JENNY and i’m nice like that). it works. it is actually legal (even in texas) and it doesn’t give you any kind of hangover or cause you to wake up with cupcakes in your bed and a policeman at your door, but now that i think about it, you might want the cupcakes and the policeman, especially if he’ll also wrangle pet chickens who dust your house.

    fuck. can i still get the farmer in a tutu?

  313. I want scientists to invent a special dog pill that creates a balloon casing every time a dog poos. The doggie would just poo and this casing would form around it and then it would float up into the air. Of course this probably means that heaven would have a lot of dog poo to deal with. Of course I’m probably not going there so sucks to be a goody-goody. Actually a plan like this would most likely earn me some brownie points with the red guy downstairs so I don’t think I’ll have much of a problem. I bet I get a window air condition out of the deal.
    /way too many dogs in my house.

  314. First I want single-payer universal health care for everyone in the United States.
    Then I want to live next door to a combination book store/quilt shop/yarn store and a Rascal scooter so I can go shopping again and a shower on the first floor, since it’s so hard for me to climb stairs.
    Finally, I’d want the ability to grant everyone else’s wishes. My birthday’s coming up, so I think this is a good time to ask. The end.

  315. I want to be in a public place and everyone to break out into choreographed dance a la Footloose. Preferably in 80s attire. Possibly to “Top That” from Teen Witch.

  316. A painfree day would be good. It’s not going to happen though so I’ll go with an egg and bacon sandwich with a cup of tea.

  317. Have you heard of doctor fish? They are little fish that eat dead skin. Someone tried to open up a mani/pedi shop that used them to eat calluses off of your feet, and they got shut down because no one could figure out what state department regulated reusable communal dead flesh eating animals. Anyway, I want my own set so I can have smooth feet.

    (rewrote because of typos!)

  318. Whirrled Peas. No but really, an effing subaru wrx sti blue with gold rims and my own rally car track to race on.

  319. I love the idea of owning a coffee-shop…and I’d make it a 24/7-thing, just to be sure *I* could always get coffee when needed. And loooooong holidays on the Maldives. And a personal airplaine & boat to get me there. And for travel on land: a Bugatti Veyron. Plus a replacement, while the other is in repair. And a sexy girl, for the time when both are in repair. And peace….between me and the women 😉

  320. I would want my flying car. Yes., I do believe I was promised a flying car when I was a starry eyed youth. Clearly the age of the Jetsons is not here yet. So I guess i would have to ask for a talking dog with a good voice, not a squeeky poodle voice because that would get real annoying real fast. Maybe a nice Mid-Atlantic accent and a gentle attitude towards the cat wouldn’t be out of line as she gets pissed at intruding inquisitive dog noses sniffing around her butt. Who wouldn’t really?

  321. I would want a translator for my dog, so that he and I could have two-sided conversations. Although maybe it would just be all “Hey Ally I’m hungry I’m thirsty MAN your leg is SEXY” *hump hump hump* so perhaps I don’t want one of those, maybe I just want one of those locket rings where the lid lifts up and there is a little compartment for putting your poison in. That would kick ass.
    And one of those keyrings that beeps when you whistle at it. I really need one of those. But mainly the poison ring.

  322. I haven’t read any of the comments yet, because they would probably affect my own wishes.
    In as: “Yes! I want that too!!”.

    So apart from the giant hat that I copied from someone, here are my bizar wishes.
    I would like to have an uncomfortable busride.
    Because they are just so awesome and weird and make you see life in a totally different light.

    When I was young – in my mind that is; when I was youngER – my boyfriend and I used to backpack for three weeks a year. Nothing but a plane ticket, a lonely planet guide and our backpack.
    I loved travelling like that, just going wherever you wanted to go.
    And, some of my most found memories are uncomfortable busrides.

    I remember a certain one in Indonesia. The bus was literally cramped, my boyfriend was hanging on the outside of the bus and the woman sitting next to me was holding a chicken. It was really hot and it was one of the best busrides of my life.

    Don’t look at me like that, it was awesome.

    I would also like to have the sun on my remote control. You know? ‘A little more… no, not that much.’
    ‘Rain would be fine now because then I don’t need to water my plants’ and then when you go out you take your remote and make it stop.
    Ofcourse I should be the only one to have such a remote control, sorry guys. Not that I think you are not worthy of one, but if we all have one then what’s the point?

    I would also like a cat. I have a dog and I love my dog, but cat’s are more… catty? Anyway, you asked for what I wanted, not why I wanted it.

    Back to the remote control, I would also like one for my weight. I could eat all the chocolate I want, and then some and I could just adjust my size as I pleased.

    Finally I would like for a couple more hours in a day. You know, to get some stuff done and still have some time to do nothing. Doing nothing can also be awesome.

  323. I want to be able to ride my motorcycle with out the fear of dying on it.

    Also to win the lottery, the biggest lottery ever, so that I can nap when ever I want.

  324. 1. baby chookens and duckens.
    2. the necessary degrees to be a clinical psychologist without the approaching 7 years effort *sigh*
    3. a GloFish (cummon, genetic engineering has made a glow in the dark fish!!! i want it, not that they sell them in Australia. FARK!)
    4. a taser (again, not allowed in Australia, because ‘we’re not a crazy fucking violent mofo like America and we want Helena to be raped. mehmehmehmeh!’)
    5. this excellent teenager body i hear old (30+) people complain about missing. Why have i never had it? how will i ever be able to complain?! huh?
    6. have the ability to transition the Uberman sleep schedual. <<< i could do some serious night-vision honing with only 2-3 hours sleep a night.
    7. have an exceptionally high IQ without the loss of my people skills. a cross between bones, the mentalist iff you watch those shows.
    that is all for now.

  325. I’d like a Kiwi, not the fruit (nor someone from New Zealand because I think that is slavery), but the bird, it looks like a fluffy tennis ball, it is terribly cute! I’d like to buy some concentration as well please 🙂

  326. I want a kitten that never grows old because kittens are awesome but cats are assholes.

    OOOOOOOH! No, I want to be able to eat anything without getting fat and hating myself.

  327. In the off chance of sounding like a dork, I want a pantry. I don’t have one. And I want one. And I’ve been shopping for two years but 1) I can’t afford the ones I like and 2) they don’t fit in my kitchen. I’m kind of sad now. Boo.

  328. I want a new purple car. And that car should be a new model of Saturn Ion. Because I don’t understand why they discontinued the Saturn brand. They were cute reliable and cheap to fix. Oh wait, yes I do. GM also makes money by fixing cars and since they didn’t need to be fixed often they couldn’t handle not raking in the extra dough for fixing something that should have been designed right in the first place.

    Does that comment make me a cynic? I feel really cynical for my age. (22 for you crazy stalker people that don’t exist)

    Oh, also, I’d like to move out into my own apartment. Turns out that I was wrong when I was 12 that really IS ridiculously expensive, and really I’m just surprised that MORE people aren’t living with their parents at age thirty. I mean, I don’t mind right now, but that’s cause my parents are awesome, and most of my friends parents suck, you’d think that they’d have more motivation to leave than I do.

  329. I need a specially-trained helper weasel who can use a teeny-tiny blowtorch to go into my cabinets and find/incinerate the mice that are currently plaguing me. Then I probably need a fire extinguisher.

    If Santa can’t find a helper weasel (but he could if he tried), I’d take a Jacuzzi bathtub.

  330. Katie Hart stole my ring-tailed lemur want! But I also want a cabana boy, possibly named Sven. Also, I’ve always wanted a little two-wheeled cart pulled by a matched pair of standard poodles. Noble poodles, not ones with foo-foo grooming. And recently, I’ve decided that one cricket bat is not enough to see me through the zombie invasion; I shall require two for some serious kung fu style two-handed swinging. And the second cricket bat shoud be a pink Hello Kitty cricket bat of Doom.

  331. I want an epic kitchen. Hell, I’ll have an epic house. With the most impressive fireplace ever.

    And a horse. Not a pony, a HORSE.

    Oh and I want to lose the last 20 some-odd pounds that I still call “post-pregnancy fat” after almost four years.

  332. I want a writing job that pays enough to actually pay my bills (instead of almost) that doesn’t involve writing about insurance, structural engineering, Cannabis, or yeast infections.

    Also, in the few short minutes I was asleep before my father-in-law began banging down my door, I had a lovely dream about solving a mystery while carrying a snuggly tan puppy and eating oreo ice cream, with sprinkles, the rainbow kind. I want that, or I would settle for just being reinserted into my dream so I can finish my freaking ice cream and find out who blew up the button factory and why!

    Oh, and I would like mute buttons installed on my children. 🙂

  333. When I have a bout of sleeplessness or something else that lowers my ability to have a good night’s sleep, I end up having vivid dreams ranging from silly little things like finding privacy to urinate when out in public, to something that would look like a short blockbuster film if I could download it to Youtube directly from my brain.

    My wish is to be able to thrive on less than two hours’ sleep a night like this weird lady I once saw on the news. As you can imagine, her house was very clean etc considering she had so much extra time on her hands.

  334. This may sound kind of dumb, but I really want a stripper pole. I’ve been taking pole classes, and I totally need one to practice. Having said that, I did buy one, but it’s not all that great because of the way it’s engineered and every time my friend who is left handed (she spins counter-clockwise…lefty, loosey) comes to practice she ends up unscrewing the damn thing and I’m afraid she’s going to fly off of it and break a bone and sue me. So, I guess I should revise it to a HIGH-END stripper pole.

    Also, the two things that Mishka wants I’m all about as well. Forever-kittens and eating whatever you want would seriously rock my world.

  335. I really, really, really want a clone of myself. Except that I would then be evil to myself, and make my clone do all the housework, all the cooking, and all the other stuff that I don’t feel like doing, while I sat and ate bon-bons and watched tv. Then I’d make my clone give me a foot massage. Then I’d send my clone out say stuff to people who have really ticked me off, really good stuff like, “Don’t mess with me, because I know people who can take you out.” But I’d make sure that real me was in a highly visible, public place at the same time, so if anyone accused me of threatening them, I could be like, “Huh. Nope, you have me confused with someone else! I was being interviewed live by Martha Stewart about how it is possible to be superwoman and have a perfect house and kids, AND make the best chocolate souffle on the block.”

  336. I want a house with lots of secret passages and hidden doorways and rotating bookshelves/fireplaces. When I was growing up my living room had a tiny little door in the wall about halfway up and I used to imagine it was where the elves lived but then I grew up and realized it was just a fuse box and my faith in the wondrous and magical has never quite been the same. And then I read about some New York architect who built a house that had a treasure hunt BUILT INTO IT for the kids of the family. Like, the beds had puzzles carved into them and there were secret passages and hidden stairways and bookcases with combination locks and … yeah. So now my wish is to enslave that architect and make him build lovely and wonderful things for me.

  337. I’m on about 3 hours’ kip a night at the moment, because the baby is teething, and I’m at just the same point as you. So tired, I can’t sleep. I am wired and insane.

    I’m thinking hard about my One Thing this week because I will be 39 on Sunday and haven’t decided on my present from Ian yet. Top contenders are 1. a chainsaw; 2. a lino press; 3. a pair of grey cashmere lounging-trousers.

    I’d only use the chainsaw twice a year to do the gardening, but what a cool birthday present.

    Sleep well soon. x

  338. There are two things on my “list of things I’m saving for” which keep on my fridge:

    1. a cordless iron
    2. a new ironing board

    I work from home and wear sweatpants every day. My husband gets all his clothes drycleaned. I have nothing to iron. But I feel like I would WANT to iron things if I had these two items.

  339. A miniature pony, for sure!!! I am dying to buy one and I’ve found through too much online research that they only cost about $500. But…. I don’t think it would fit in my studio NYC apartment. My lease allows pets but I think they had cats and dogs in mind, not farm animals with hooves. Maybe it’s time to quit my job and start up a farm?

  340. Doc Hammer. Right now. He could pull up to one of my various jobs in a 1999 purple Plymouth Prowler, whisk me away all Officer and a Gentlemen style and we would drive away into the sunset. Eventually we would go live in Norway where he could continue to be beautiful and brilliant and everything he does and I could become the respected and admired painter that I have always thought I was but no one agreed with me.

    Or I guess I would be happy with a pumpkin spice latte right now. You know, whatever works.

  341. Today I want a new post from you, Jenny. I’m having a crummy day and need to stop crying and start laughing! Only you can save me from myself. 🙂

  342. The $250.00 boots I saw online. I want those bitches bad.. but I get all shaky, which could be the DTS, when I go to purchase them.

  343. Dear Jenny the Blogess,

    I figure you are the best qualified person to answer this question. What color is insomnia?

    Thank you.

  344. Hammock by a lake. And because my wish is ever so specific it means that I get the hammock AND the lake by default.


    Whatever – take THAT wish system!

  345. I want baseboards that have not been chewed by the dog. Ah, heaven. (Reaching for the stars is one of my specialties).

  346. I want a tree house in the middle of a forest. And I would live there and be happy forever with my woodland friends.

  347. I want an i-pad. I’ve decided I’m going to buy myself one in a few hours when I leave my office.
    I also want a Porsche Cayenne turbo hybrid. I won’t buy that today.

  348. I want a big fence around the backyard so that I can sit outside without being in direct view of the hoipoloi. I hate being on display.

    Yes, I know that no one cares, and I’m not being stared at. Just indulge my innate paranoia here.

  349. i also suffer from insomnia. it sucks, but it does keep me up-to-date on 3am reruns of Jersey Shore. Honestly, the one thing I want more of is time. Life is to short to want things (well besides lipo on my muffin top from 2 c-sections).

  350. Comment of the day has GOT to be nr. 428!
    Seriously, who can argue with that?

    It made my days, for sure.

  351. What I would really like right now is the freakin Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas to return one of my stinkin emails answering some questions I have regarding Santana Concert tickets for my Birthday in January! I don’t think that is too much to ask, especially when they give you a phone number that says, please text or email us back at! Well if you want us to do that at least have the courtesy to respond back to us! Flippin rock n rollers! Have a great day and here’s to hoping you find some sleep, and some good sleep aids! Love & Blessings from the OC!

  352. I have always wanted to pull off bright red lipstick and liquid eyeliner… so maybe what I want is a rockabilly makeover…

  353. I did not read the comments because I don’t want to know if I am being selfish, shallow, and vain. I also don’t want to know if there are 433 brilliant people ahead of me. Anyway one thing that I really want but haven’t bought myself? Audi TT. My dream car that’s supposed to be for my 40th birthday but of course I did not get it. Sorry self.

  354. When I have to pee really really bad, I say ” I have to pee like an African Pigmy Goat!”. What do I really mean when I say I have to pee like one? Do they pee in any special way? Maybe when they have to pee really bad, they say “I have to pee like a mexican wanna be white girl “. I dont know. Its possible. I also want huge semi full of skittles. Skittles are my fav. I can already picture me and Thelma (that would be her name) chillin on a bench, in my dirt back yard eating skittles and shooting the breeze.

  355. Do you want the whole list? I could probably come up with at least 3 bazillion things, because I’m a poor student with ridiculously high rent. I can’t buy anything.

    But alright, I’ll focus on the most important things. First of all, I really, really need someone to finish my assignment that is due on Thursday and is so important that I already had 3 panic attacks, which, unfortunately, don’t help my writers block.
    I also really want a horse because I spent my entire childhood with horses and now I feel like half a person. But do you have any idea how expensive they are?
    And a vacation. Anywhere with a beach and a lot of sun is fine with me.

  356. I was just going to say I wanted a house on a hill that has hidden stairways, doors to nowhere, big paintings in the library with the eyes cut out, and a graveyard out back. But then I read some of the other comments and I’ve realized IT’S NOT ENOUGH. My life is completely fucking inadequate.

  357. a singing voice…so then when I’m singing loudly at home, Pops will love it instead of blocking his ears

  358. if it’s something I want and can afford but haven’t bought – I want a new iMac.
    if it’s something I want and can’t afford, and because of that I want more – I want to buy a craftsman in the tangletown neighborhood of seattle. I think I’m only $1,000,000 short. Anyone interested in supporting my cause?

  359. A hit man is what I would like to purchase more than anything. I always ask for one for Christmas but so far santa hasn’t shoved one in my stocking. They’re harder to find then you would think.

  360. I want a Taco Bell for really shitty cheapass Mexican Food and an Arby’s –

    Oh and my future service dog to hurry up and get born like NOW even though he’s not due till the end of next month because patience is a virtue and when they passed that one out I was all “Nah the line’s too long, come back later” and then it was all gone which is why my kids think I’m the Meanest.Mom.Ever. because I tolerate no whining or sister-beating in this house.

  361. Have you ever been so awake, that your mind just rushes around? And it’s 9:30 on a school nite, which is totally your bed time but your just can’t go to sleep because your writing screenplay for a WAY better version of the secret life of the american bleh bleh bleh in your heard? And you call it the secret life of the american bleh bleh bleh because its just way too fucking long of a title. And your better version is even less realistic than the actual show, but it’s sort of really fucking hilarious because it involves red headed chubby short guys and there is absolutely nothing funnier than red headed chubby short guys. And the red headed chubby short guy is named Roland, because Roland is a chubby kid name. And the plot of the story is the main character sleeps with Roland, marcing band water boy, on the way to a foot ball game on the bus. And utterly humiliated that she slept with quite possibly the most socially retarded person in the history of ever, decides to sleep with this asian rich kid and tells him he got her pregnant and then they get married and she has the baby AND IT HAS RED HAIR!! And then he’s all “uhhhh, that’s not mine.” and she’s all “uhhhhh…. Yes it is?” and he accepts that and she drops out of high school because the dude fucking loaded and can support her and baby carrot top. And then he starts cheating on her because she starts letting herself go and then he gets the girl he cheated on pregnant and she’s all, “oh my gosh! What will Jesus think?” so she tells everyone roland raped her and then he goes to jail and pretty much his entire life is ruined and now the neighborhood watch program has security cameras set up on his lawn and he never gets into college because what kind of college wants a fucking rapist on campus? And then she has the baby and HE’S ASAIN!!! And then she has this plot with the other girl to trade baabies because no one would EVER suspect that! No? you don’t do that? Ooh.
    p.s. i spell “night” as nite to protest english because we add in way too many fucking letters

  362. First of all, I can *totally* hook you up with a My Fair Lady hat. I make costumes, and people have paid me actual money, not cereal, to make them historical costumes.

    I want to be able to fly. Not with an airplane but up up in the air like Superman. Not like Wonder Woman because I don’t like her new outfit.

  363. I just want one-tenth of your daily comment count, that’s all, one-freakin’-tenth, is that too much to ask!!! Nice job, great blog, keep up the funny, people appreciate it. (I won’t type the wussy smiley face here but you can imagine one if you’d like. )

  364. I would like an ambien /xanax combo never ending pez dispenser. wait, 2 separate pez dispensers so I don’t get confused, wait is that 2 wishes, do I only get 1? fuck put em together I will figure it out with google doc.

  365. The only thing that could make me happy right now is a job. I really need a job. I’m so tired of being unemployed (since Jan) and my hubs and I really want another child but we need 2 incomes to support another child. 🙁

  366. I’d like a gizmo on the front of my car which can pick up the assholes in front of me and throw them out of my way…and to be able to daydream and not feel guilty about it..oh, and for #435 to get her wish…:)

  367. I too have insomnia, and have had it since like May. Mostly due to the fact that I have a 2 month old and I couldn’t sleep the last 3ish months of my pregnancy.

    So yeah I want my husband to finally finish all the projects he’s started around our house, like painting our kitchen…two years ago…

    ..second thought I would also like a printer that #$#% works! How am I supposed to get anything done with this evil POS!?!

  368. If I could buy anything? I’d buy a secret potion that would make me clean all the time. No more ‘having’ to shower because I’m smelly and the bugs won’t touch me. No more having to wash my hair and adding half a bottle of morroccan oil because it’s so frizzy that it’s a barometer. And baths would become a thing of ‘needing a bath’ with wine and chocolate plate and thick book to drop in the bath water.

    Oh, and the ability to see through walls so I could see how people decorate their house instead of walking at dusk looking like a stalker as I peek in through their windows. Hello? Turquoise and pink don’t match sweetheart. Unless of course you’re socks. Then it’s ok.

  369. I have it on authority that you can find bustles in hedge rows.
    Don’t be alarmed, now.
    And I wish for the May Queen to come and clean my house!

  370. This is probably pretty lame, but I want to buy a new PC and use it as a media center / DVR. Because I hate our DVR.

    Or I want one of those cars that has an umbrella IN THE DOOR.

  371. An ipad. Oh and a maid. A personal chef and personal trainer would hurt either…but who doesn’t want those. Oh and a dog walker and a permanent homework helper because 2nd grade math is evil. Who the fuck thought of the strategy of 10… That was created soley to make my head blow up.

    Oh wait, you said one thing. I guess it’s the ipad then.

  372. An iPhone, which is kind of nuts because I have Verizon and they don’t have an iPhone so all I would be able to do is use it as an MP3 player (which is exactly what it is first…phone secondary) and a flat screen TV, which is also kind of nuts because my other TV works fine…even though it weighs 350 lbs and is ugly. You know? Maybe just some diamond ear rings, because I do have ears and they are pierced and diamonds are my birthstone…

  373. Sorry that this isn’t a funny reply telling you how badly I want 1968 camaro convertible, but I’m all distracted because I totally get insomnia all the time and this tea kind of helps, so I want you to try it… I buy it at an import store, but I bet Whole Foods has it… Republic of Teas, Be Well Red “Get some zzzzz” It works super well if you have about 3 whiskey and caffeine free cokes first, but it also works all by itself. Not sleeping sucks, good luck.

  374. I want a time machine so I can go back to the moment three months ago when I decided I need to go back to work full time because writing isn’t paying so I can say to myself, “Are you fucking crazy!?! You will be miserable!” But I don’t have time to get in the time machine because corporate America is eating my soul with fava beans and a nice chianti.

  375. I want to go back to 1997, with all of my memories and experiences through today intact. I would totally KICK ASS and the world wouldn’t know what hit it. Also, there are many men I wouldn’t touch with a HazMat suit, the next time around. So…a magical time machine?

  376. If i could have anything in the world right now it would be the ability to convince the people at CBS that they are making a huge mistake by taking away one of the main characters of Criminal Minds and trying to replace her ahh but i guess thats life.

    but maybe if we all banded together.. signed this

    then went here
    and sent them a lovely little note maybe that would be possible.
    But then again I’m just wishfully thinking..oh well still have you bloggess and that will never change we wont allow it <3 plus also that mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer..that i now must go drown my sorrows in.

    much love,

  377. Honestly if i could have anything in the world right now the first would definitely be for a form of family peace lol plus also financial security for my family, the second would be unlimited wishes cause then i could totally have anything i wanted like a castle on top of a mountain with a moat and my own army protecting it from any form of attack and this said castle would include a purple unicorn and talking animals plus a vampire like Edward or Jasper(but he will look like the actor normally looks not like his character) except he wont drink the animals blood cause we’d totally have the synthetic blood for him like the kind those vamps drink on True Blood and he could play the piano all day and say sweet mushy things when i wanted to hear them..oh and then we’d all totally have a party at this castle which you know would just be awesome- the only people excluded would be those who find clown porn exciting and we will totally have some kind of awesome detector device for that cause that’s just weird.
    And that’s enough of this craziness I love you oh wonderful bloggess!!

  378. I want a secret passage.

    Eventually I want my OWN secret passage (various disguised entrances for said passage are under discussion) but for now, any secret passage will do. Just to know that there is one out there would be a start. A real one behind a book case or a revolving fire-place preferably.

  379. I feel for you. I recently had a six month period where I swear I slept only 3 hours. What finally helped was taking calcium. Crazy, right?

    And I *have* the giant hat. Wore it to a wedding once and felt prettier than the bride. I figure I’ll need it if I ever go to Ascot or the Kentucky Derby or the Queen’s Garden Party.

    If I could have anything…I want to wear my giant hat and a floaty dress while I swing on a tire swing off an old apple tree. And I have 10 dogs frolicking in the field around me. And then suddenly there is a picnic with lobster rolls.

  380. I would like to remember the 70’s. No, I was there, in college actually. I just wish I could remember them. Of course, if you remember the 70’s then you probably weren’t really there. I can’t tell my children about this.

  381. All I’ve ever really wanted in this world is a Sonic Drive In in the District of Columbia. Yeah, you read that right. The bastards play the commercials relentlessly but fail to provide us with the sweet manna from fast food heaven.

    That, and for kicks, a legal RX for vicodin.

    Too much to ask for? Me thinks no.

  382. I want the anime world to be mostly real.
    Like big unnaturally colored hair that sticks up randomly yet tastefully.
    I say mostly real because there are A LOT of really bad bitchy people and creatures in animeland so they can stay fictional.
    Like all Pokemon, let them stay as plushies and trading cards. And all those bad guys from Bleach and EVERYONE from Naruto.
    I would love Sebastian from Black Butler to be real and him be my butler but with him being super kinky but NOT eating my soul eventually.
    I would LOVE it when you sighed a small cartoony puff of air came out or there was a big blue tear drop on the side of your forehead when you’re exasperated.
    Also, being super-deformed and chibi sounds fun. Okay, that’s about it. At least I think so.

    I’m sorry, is my ridiculous nerdiness showing?

    I also want to marry Nathan Fillion but we can’t all have what we want. Gosh darn it.