My travails with marketers have been widely documented but sometimes they really outdo themselves.

Email I recieved today:

I don't even know what to say anymore.

I did, of course, respond.

Otherwise, how will they learn?

151 thoughts on “*sigh*

Read comments below or add one.

  1. if it makes you feel better, i seem to only receive blog offers written completely in japanese. i do not speak japanese, but from what i can infer they want me to pimp their school notebooks and stamps in the shape of baby hands. it’s disturbing, really.

  2. The nerve! Of course I’d like to know what they thought after they read your response. And who is the illusive “they” anyway? Obviously they have some manners to learn.

  3. Obviously they meant it as a metaphor, referring to you as David because of your resemblance to King David, and his infinite wisdom and blogging experience.

  4. If it makes you feel any better at all, I have spent the last several years being asked/called/referenced as a Mr./he/sir. After all, the whole world, other than my parents, apparently, knows that Shawn is a guys name. Anytime it happens I just play along, “No, he is NOT available, but I will tell HIM you called.” I will sometimes answer emails as if I was a man, I, being Mr. Wicked Shawn, himself, am not the least bit interested in pimping your penis enlargement product, but thank you for thinking of me. My penis is already so large, I am afraid my lady friends would run shrieking in fear if I tested your product and it actually worked. Sincerely, Mr. Wicked” Good to know it happens with clear gender names too, obviously, telemarketing spamdouches are asswits no matter what.

  5. I’m tempted to set up an email account so I can write you marketing pitches just to see your response. Then, of course, I would reply and string it out like I am all serious about selling my shit and stuff and you are really missing out on a great opportunity.

  6. How will they learn?
    Send a Tranny Singing Telegram!

    That’s assuming they actually speak English, are in the U.S. and would open the door…

  7. I’m proud of you for standing up to “them”. You know, for the rest of us out here who still can’t think, much less talk, about our angry inch.

  8. Those guys are the lucky winners of my contest, “Worst Marketing Mistakes”. Their prize contains a foot up the ass (theirs, not mine) (just to be clear)! Congratualtions dumb ass marketers! For info on how to receive your prize head on down to our headquarters at 1010 You’re Fucking Kidding Me. Located one block down from Idiot Row and Suck It Dr.

    Please note that your prize cannot be redeemed for cash.

  9. Maybe they think David is the dead squirrel in your wall, and they are using you as an intermediary. I’ve hear of worse marketing ideas.

  10. Bwahahahahaha…I had a marketer approach me about pimping a fertility clinic on my sire…even offered to guest blog. Then, he got offended when I suggested paying for ad space. How stupid do they think we are?

  11. Wait, what was the contest? Because if it was three-card-monte, but with three people named Monte (two trannies and someone who’s had the surgery to become a man), and you have to guess who has the penis after shuffling them around, it might actually be a legitimate email!

    Yes, I know I’m going to hell. Why do people keep asking me that?

  12. I got an email from him today, too. Addressed to “Dante.” My name is Lylah. I’d cut him some slack and say he needs to spell things phonetically, but that’s not even close.

  13. Dear Jenny, I am very sorry that this douchecanoe market “genius” reminded you of the long road you have travelled in order to become “Not David”. xxoo

  14. Jerks.

    And why would they assume your man name was David? Everyone knows it would have been something like Jendog. Or Jenzz, even. I mean, look at Chastity/Chazz Bono…

  15. You realize that “David” derives from the Hebrew word for “beloved.” So they should get swatted twice, once for being insensitive assholes, and again for inappropriate intimacy with strangers.

  16. I love you so much for this response. I already did adore you, but this is just sprinkles on top. Sassy, sassy sprinkles.

  17. Oh God. Do you know that I once sent a thank you note to a foundation and made the same mistake. The dude called me and basically said what you said to this asshole. And I so deserved it. I deserved it more since they were showering me with money instead of looking for shameless self promotion.

  18. Maybe, in marketerland, David is the affectionate term for Jenny. You know, like Robert and Bob, Elizabeth and Liz, James and Mary. No?

  19. I am on countless email lists due to my email address and receive many personal emails by folks tossing out my email for some reason (one guy used it to sign up to Facebook, one password change request later and I now have that account).

    I really don’t mind some lists. Like the garden committee I’m apparently on up in Rhode Island (am from NC). They value my opinion! Or the girl scout troop in OK that lets me know when my cookies are arriving (I never get them =[…) I have to draw the line soon though, someone put me on the John Mayer mailing list…that shit’s not cool, it’s almost malicious.

  20. Javid, (see how I combined them to prevent any further confusion? Genius, right?)

    I love you and come read what you say for the smile you always bring me. I love you, man! *snicker*

  21. Did you ever see the South Park where Mr. Garrison had a sex change and they show real footage of a ween being turned inside out to make a vadge? I still have nightmares about that.

  22. Oh, I wish I had your pithy humor when i get those marketing phone calls. Love it.

  23. Back when I was in graduate school, I had to gather information about high-power ruby lasers for the purpose of specifying and purchasing same. Contacted some vendors asking for bids, spoke with a number of salesmen on the phone, and one of the replies — a hand-crafted response to a request for specific information, you dig, on a very expensive, custom purchase, from a person *I had spoken to on the phone* — was addressed to “Mr. Vicki [Lastname]”. On the envelope (yes, this was back when this kind of thing arrived by snail mail), *and* on the letter contained within, so it wasn’t just a typo.

    I shit you not.

    Dickhead didn’t get the purchase, either.

  24. We don’t want them to learn. Remember the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? They learnt. Is that what you want? WELL, IS IT?

  25. Oh David… you so crazy.

    Love your posts Jenny, keep throwing inexcusable ignorance back in the faces of those who deserve it and maybe they’ll learn. Probably not but its fun anyhow.

  26. That reminds me, I keep meaning to tell you – your rack looks better and better since they upped your hormone dosage. Keep at it!

  27. Thank you! Will you talk to the kiosk vendors at the mall next? Maybe they’ll quit hounding me every single time I walk by them.

  28. He, he, he, he, he…that is wickedly funny! Love that you call “them” insensitive assholes, but then give them “hugs.” Is that to let them know there are no hard feelings?

  29. Oh, if ONLY a marketer even ever contacted me about my blog! I wouldn’t care what kind of slime he/she was. But I would try to fuck with their head.

  30. As somebody who deals with a lot of junk email every single day this post cracked me up! I’ve never written back to them though maybe I should start It might help me vent

  31. I recently had an issue with a Guy named Rick, he kept calling and then emailing to say he called. I kept calling him Dick and he kept saying Rick I was like I like dick. He did not want me to try sex toys. he was not amused.

  32. It’s a little known fact that “Jenny David” was, in fact, a well known serial killer who murdered 16 orphans in the late 20’s.

    It’s little known because I just made it up.

    This is the beauty of using fake names. Embrace it. Don’t hate it.

  33. Awesome answer.

    I heart you.

    Last week I got an email — from someone who works for the same company as me, so they could type my first name Brahm to find me in the directory – who then spelled my (granted unusual) name 3 different ways. I didnt respond. Screw em.

  34. Will you promise me something? If I EVER get down to visit you, that you let me shadow you for just ONE afternoon? Please?? I’ll bring vicodin and Baileys.

  35. Whenever I hear “Jenny” I think “David.”

    Everyone does.

    It’s just like “Peanut” and “Butter.”
    “Ice” and “Cream.”
    “Dick” and “Cheney.”
    “Ass” and “Hole.”

    Live with it, Dave.

  36. Now I totally know what to do with all those emails I keep getting telling me why my business is not #1 in search engine results for my keywords… it’s going out of business you fucktards, is there REALLY a keyword for LIQUIDATION SALE?!

  37. Jenny… David… It’s just a typo really, you’re splitting hairs when you think about it. Kinda like when Peter Griffin asked Joe how he felt to be retarded and Joe said he was handicapped. Peter said he was splitting hairs. Same thing here…

  38. I was going to say that I would hate to be on the receiving end of one of your scathing but totally on point responses to these fucksnorkels, but then I decided that I don’t think I would. I’m pretty sure if I had that job and a response I got was from you, Especially if it mentioned oh, say, using dead kittens for mittens, it would most likely make my day.

  39. It reminds me of when I was working in the 70’s and women in business were not than common. (I know, I’m old). Anyway, I have a normal, feminine sounding name. Let’s say Betty Boop. I would get mail all the time addressed to Mr. Betty Boop. It was so freakin’ frustrating. To further date myself, when I first started working, the men were all called “Mr. So-and-so” and the women called by their first names. (I don’t watch Mad Men, but I assume they do so too). When I got a management job, I insisted that they call me Ms. Boop or I would call them by their first names too. Believe it or not, they adapted pretty quickly to *everyone* using first names and it spread throughout the company (a Fortune 50 operation). I’m pretty proud of my small contribution to Womens Liberation round II.

  40. I don’t know, I think you should give him the benefit of the high probability he has shit for brains. Maybe he honestly did not know his words were offensive (until reading your post I did not know that “david” was derogatory slang for a post op sex change)

    lets not forget that there is absolutely no chance an operation could give results any where near your womanly beauty. Not even if he was the Michael Angelo of surgeons. Your lips, those eyes, the face, nose and hips….. if you were not alive as living proof if would be hard for me to believe even mother nature could get it as right as you. 🙂
    You just don’t see it friend, and if you don’t believe me just weight till your mini me grows up, then look at her, then look at pictures of adult you and you’ll see what I mean.

    That Vic is one lucky dude. Have a good one Jen, your sense of humor is the awesome kind of unique

  41. You are still “David” on Friday Russian bath night, right? If not, damn, you could have warned a girl, because I just re-stocked the minibar with Tang and poppers.

  42. This same thing happened to me once!

    I got a postcard. Front had my name and address on it. Flip side was pre-printed and the blank line reserved for my name again, had my father-in-laws name. How rude!

    I sent a very stern reply about being consider not to tell a pregnant woman she looks like at 50 year old blalding man (not even in so few words). My husband, who sent the postcard from basic training for the air force to tell me arrived safe and give me his address, didn’t think I should be so bent out of shape over it.

    I wanted to write his letters addressed to some fat woman we know, but I didn’t think the air force would give him letters addressed to Rosie Odonnell.

  43. Virtually all spam is like that now. My personal favorites are when they send me mail *from* my address. And I can’t filter on that because sometimes I *do* email myself stuff.

  44. Vikki that is hillarious! I’ll bet his ears were ringin like a mother f*cker (even though it was an accident and was joking around)

    Jenny don’t e-hug assholes like that. He was either and asshole or an idiot (either way, both must be immediately banned!!)

    unless it was an honest mistake and the person behind the typed words was hot, at which point hotness must be immediately confirmed because if not, a mandatory swift kick to the balls is REQUIRED

  45. OMG! you are too funny!
    I constantly get emails from people who spell my name B-e-s-t-y. And I so bad want to respond with “Sound out how you spelled my name, dumbass!” But they are co-workers and somehow I think that might be frowned upon.

  46. Oh no no no no, she did the right thing by including a hug in her response. I can sense from the e-mailed he sent he is some sort of magical shamen of cookie baking.
    (this is all in a Ghandi accent)
    Yes his thoughts are being telapathetically transported as we spoke now. He is telling me the key to good cookies is to first throughly mix the flour (while dry) with the baking powder BEFORE and wet ingredients are added and THEN fold in the cocaine.

    Jenny that man has powers send someone over with an “offering” and the rewards will never end.

  47. In a completely unrelated-to-your-post note, Groupon today had a blurb on “When Assasinating James Garfield.” I, of course, immediately worried for your much-loved and festive boar’s head, because I’m sure some dastardly assasinator would figure out a way to kill him twice. A headshot only requires a head, which is all James Garfield has left. o_O

    Link to Groupon (the bit about James Garfiled is at the bottom):

  48. *plbbbbbbllblblblblblb*
    tongue out
    it was over a long time ago because I do NOT clean out apartments, I am always on call and have to fix shit when it breaks, and I occasionally show one and take credit application. Cleaners clean (I just take what I want of anything that got left behind and THEN the cleaners do their job..sometimes I have to roll a little paint)
    I am supposed to leave TV’s and furniture there (yeah right, so that the cleaners can take it or my boss) un uh, they are not the ones who have to replace a sink trap or faucet at 10pm at night.

    basically…I don’t clean apts. 😉 I felt kind of bad when I read that

  49. That. Is. Awesome.
    Sometimes I truly believe that the ice pick lobotomy must still be widely practiced. Otherwise, how do you account for all the assholes running around with half a brain? Like Ann Coulter?

  50. It’s fitting that you are hurt by this, as I’m sure you’re still getting over your penis falling off. Way to remind Jenny of a traumatizing incident. Assholes is so right.

  51. But, would you call yourself David IF you had a sex change? I hear David is a masculine and powerful title because people want to be like me.

  52. I didn’t get called David but I did get called the name of my blog. Then they proceeded to ask me if they could guest post about their product on my site.

    What the fucking fuck?

  53. Nothing about David or sex change or Jenny. I know about all of them already and have moved on. BUT sowakeup’s “fucksnorkels” is my new bestest favorite word!

  54. This reminds me of the numerous solicitations my husband receives from recruiters (with whom he works) to interview for positions (that my husband posted) in my husband’s own department. Some people are L-A-Z-Y. Or maybe they are actually trying to be offensive. Some people do that. *ehem*

  55. Once my husband and I were at the mall and we wanted one of those cookie cakes but one with tons of frosting so we looked through the designs and the one with the most sugary goodness was a pocket so we ordered that. They asked us what do you want written on it? So we had them write “From Jeans to Dresses Happy Sex Change!” When we picked it up I’m pretty sure they were in a discussion as to which one of us was post-op. Think of this as a cake for you. It was very good.

  56. Obviously, the author was just trying to test you and see if you really read these emails. I am not sure if you passed or failed the test since you obviously found the problem, but then threw it back in the writer’s face.

    I guess we aren’t getting that contest, huh?

  57. I’m the 128th comment. So, I am commenting even though the odds you will read this, seem highly unlikely. Not because I don’t think you can read! Just ’cause, damn that’s alot of comments. Aaanyway, the things you write make me laugh so hard. Plus, my new favorite saying (under my breath) is “Hey Asshole”. It’s not original, it is from the movie, Kick Ass, where this super hero type little girl says to a fake hero teen who was doing something stupid, as a way to alert him to his mistake, “Hey Asshole”. It was nonchalant and hilarious. Your email reminds me of that. Very, very funny.

  58. This is one of the many, many times I wish I were an asshole marketer. A response like that would have made my entire career worthwhile. So good one, David… you just rewarded that marketer for being a douche.

  59. True story, I offered a money scammer £16m yesterday and he replied to my offer saying I can give him £600. I don’t think he understands negotiation. Or sarcasm. I’m thinking of replying with a higher offer…like £20m. I don’t want him to be out of pocket, you know?

  60. Interestingly, when I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey last night, I would have sworn I heard the following dialogue:

    “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.”
    “I’m sorry, Jenny. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
    “What the ****‘s the problem?”
    “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”
    “What the **** are you talking about, douche-canoe?”
    “This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.”
    “I don’t know what
    the **** you’re talking about, DONKEH.”
    “I know that you and Hailey were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.”


  61. Hey there Davy Baby, now when you get all those ED comments you can just pass them right on thru the spam filter.

  62. A company that has been haranguing me at work called again yesterday to make sure I got his email. He said he was going to read my email address back to me just to make sure he got it right. “R as in roger, a as in apple, c as in charlie, h as in hitler, a as in apple, e as in edward, l as in larry.” Hitler? REALLY? Needless to say he got a similar email back as yours, except I deleted “sex change” to “conversion to Judaism.”

  63. I wish I could be a PR rep sending you idiotic pitches…I think your replies would be the highlight of my day. LOL.

  64. Am I allowed to ask whether or not you will be offering this great contest to readers of your blog? I’m debating whether to subscribe to your RSS-ma-bob and this could be the deciding factor.

    Thanks in advance.

  65. You need to do a book on the stupid shit that telemarketers send you…like the LOLcats have a book.

    Speaking of books, when does your book come out because I await that one anxiously!

  66. Jesus Fucking Christ, you make me laugh every damn time I read your blog. I recently tried to share with my husband how funny I think you are by reading him some of your posts. Something must’ve been lost in translation because I just got blank stares. Whatev. I’m just sorry we’re not neighbors so we could drink some sangria in the driveway.

  67. Bravo! I laughed so hard when I read that response. I have been getting a lot of marketing emails as of late and lately I have been getting a repetitive one from a dating site asking if I want to post something for them. I’m not even sure why, but I’m not too happy with it. I have rarely spoken of my relationship status on my blog, because it really isn’t anyone else’s business (other than my most recent post, of course).

    This is a great blog, and I’m sorry I am just now finding it.

  68. I know exactly how you feel, no really. I contacted my college to see why I hadn’t received my next set of books and why they weren’t even shipped yet. Well I was baffled by the reponse e-mail…..
    Dear David:
    Thank you for your recent inquiry. We are always pleased to see students active in their studies. We stand by to assist you.
    I have released the next set of lessons. You should receive it in seven to ten days.
    I noticed your account has been paid for in full. Once your signed application is returned and processed, you can request a waiver form to get all of your remaining lessons sent.

    We hope this response has been helpful to you. If you require further assistance, please do not hesitate to e-mail a reply or call us.

    Thank you for your interest and good luck with your studies.

    I responded as well…I was a little nicer than you, but I think I should have ripped them a new one!

    I am not David. I am Heather. My account is paid to date on the payment plan. What signed application? What waiver form to get my remaining lessons? I have one lesson left in this semester before my proctored exams. I am very confused by this response to my inquiry.

    TRUE STORY!!:)

  69. whoah this blog is excellent i love reading your posts. Keep up the good work! You know, a lot of people are searching around for this info, you can help them greatly.

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