UPDATED: I probably need to stop watching True Blood so much.

My neighbor Charlotte told me that last week she was home alone with her kids and had to shoot a rattlesnake on her front porch and then right after that our water got cut off and then Hailey came down with the stomach flu and Victor was out of town and I felt a lot like Ma Ingalls that time when she had to cut part of her leg off because she had gangrene and Pa abandoned her and I said something about it on twitter but it fell a bit flat because not everyone is going to get your obscure references to tv shows that were cancelled 30 years ago, Jenny.  But then the water came back on and Hailey stopped throwing up and I tweeted that no one had dysentery and everyone rejoiced without question because not everyone watched Little House on the Prairie but apparently we all played Oregon Trail.

Then last night Victor flew home from his conference and today we went out for his birthday (Happy birthday, Victor.  Please stop deserting us) and when the guy from the bistro went to seat us he pointed to a table outside and that’s when I saw an enormous snake on my chair.  I was fairly certain it was some sort of deadly pit viper but Victor said it was just a rough green snake and it wouldn’t hurt anyone but the waiter freaked out and went to get a gun and Victor was all “No. Let’s just move it” and so he and the waiter tried to move the chair but the snake freaked out and jumped off the chair and then the waiter skittered back and then the snake slithered right into the open door of the bistro.  Then the waiter turned green and Victor went in to see if he could find the snake but he couldn’t so he came back out and I told Victor that this is why I need for him to show me how to use the riot gun and he refused because “you’re a dangerous menace blah blah blah” and then I was all “I WAS ALMOST MURDERED BY A SNAKE” and he was like “That snake eats bugs.  It’s non-venomous.  Fucking relax, dude” and I was all “You didn’t see how it was glaring at me” and Victor was all “It wasn’t glaring” and I was like “Well then, it was winking. Or blinking.  Hard to tell with snakes” and Victor was all “Are you done now?” and I was like “I think it might have glamoured me” and Victor just stared at me and I whispered “Like a vampire” and Victor was like “Yeah, I know what ‘glamoured‘ means.  What the fuck is wrong with you?” and I was all “I. don’t. know” because honestly, I don’t.  Probably because I got glamoured.  This is also why this post doesn’t make much sense.  Getting glamoured takes a lot out of you.

Updated: Okay, apparently True Blood is even more obscure than Little House on the Prairie and no one understands what “glamouring” is.  It’s when a vampire hypnotizes you.  I worry about you people sometimes.  And also I worry about how much of my brain is taken up by unnecessary pop-culture references.  And about snakes.  And lately?  Aliens.

I might need to up my medication.

222 thoughts on “UPDATED: I probably need to stop watching True Blood so much.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I used to fantasize about churning butter a la Ingalls Wilder. I would have gotten your references on Twitter but alas, I did not see them. And am I really the first person commenting? Surely not.

  2. Next time, get a better waiter. You’re in Texas – there’s no reason he shouldn’t have already had a gun on him. Shame on that place.

  3. You probably need to watch more True Blood in order to find out how Snookie avoids being glamored. Then you can prevent future snake murders by shooting them.

    I sometimes wish people could speak in Parseltongue to avoid the snake murder, but now I’m just confusing my mythical creatures.

  4. Obviously he has not read Harry Potter because if he had he would know that not only are snakes deadly children creatures possessed by ultimate evil, but they are totally capable of hypnotizing you AND making you speak snake for the rest of your life.

    That was probably it. You could understand what the snake was saying, just Victor couldn’t. You knew.

  5. around here, pit vipers are the only snakes allowed in restaurants. i guess they get in on account of they’re not tall enough to read the no shirt, no shoes, no service sign. and they probably leave a good tip.

  6. Never a dull moment for you. Or for the Ingalls family. Or members of Oregon Trail parties. Things were always tense on the O.T., especially when you named the party members after your friends. The easiest way to find out who your best friend was, was obviously to name your travel companions after your friends and ditch whoever didn’t survive the journey. Or whoever got dysentery. That shit’s gross.

  7. I read the first bit and thought – wait a minute?! I thought Ma Ingalls got Polio and then she was fine because John Boy did the boiled blanket thing and…oh, right. Way to mix up your Ingalls and your Waltons, good on me.

    Also – still wanting a verdict on whether or not snakes have eyelids. My boss is trying to creep me out by saying crocodiles have something like FIVE eyelids.


  8. Oh man! Now I think I was totally glamoured by that fly in my office yesterday. I thought it glared at me evilly but now I realized I was acting funny after it looked my way. Had nothing to do with the Raid I am sure.

    On another note, I always thought it was spelled glamored. Glamoured sounds so cosmpolitan.

  9. Move to New Zealand. We don’t have snakes. Or dysentery.

    … At least, I’ve never actually MET anyone with dysentery. It could happen though…

    Don’t bring dysentery with you.

  10. OMG. I always belly laugh when I read your blog. Really loud. I have to go look up “glamoured”!

  11. OK. The snake was *on* the chair, then it went *into* the bistro. I’m freaked out just reading that. I love all creatures and wish them no harm…but snakes freak me out and I’d just like them to stay out of my sight, please. So…your reaction? Totally justified, imho. Venom or no venom.

    Oh…and @Bridget – I liked your original version better. 🙂

  12. Am I the only person who laughed when Carrie fell down the well? Err, wrong episode…just remind victor that Ma probably knew how to load the shotgun.

  13. That post was amusing just on it’s own, but for some reason, the Oregon Trail graphic at the end made it poignant and awesome.

  14. Fuck. Glamouring sounded really good until the hypnotized-by-a-vampire part. I was hoping it was like getting a makeover *magically* fast.

  15. Apparently my brain is also taken up with useless pop culture references as I understood all of yours. Snakes don’t bother me, but I haven’t been glamoured by one yet.

  16. I think you need to walk in the nature and listen to little birdies. Or look at magnificent eagles in the mountains. Or wake up every morning and smile before you remember to think about all that other stuff. 🙂

  17. Hahah, Playing Oregon Trail with my kids was lots of fun. “Let’s go hunting!” Again? “Let’s go hunting!” Again? “Let’s go…” you get the picture. To be honest they did like the rest of the game too. Little House on the Prairie, on the other hand, is something I watched only occasionally and by myself because no one else in my family would watch with me. They suck. 🙂 So do vampires! But in a physical red-smeary way. True Blood has good vampires. You know how I know? They’re not f***in’ sparkly! And they’d probably eat that snake off your chair for you.

  18. That episode of Little House screwed me up. I think it is solely responsible for the hypochondria I have suffered from for approximately two decades now. I became so afraid of possibly dying from an infection that I seriously have three bottles of rubbing alcohol, two bottles of hydrogen peroxide, and a bottle of iodine in my medicine cabinet right now. Not to mention other kinds of disinfectant. I also like to keep a bottle of vodka on hand for sanitation/sanity purposes. I always like to keep some rubbing alcohol in my purse too. And airport security is my personal hell for many reasons but high on that list is that they really seem to think that I’m going to have room in that little Ziploc for my conditioner and my several bottles of wound cleaners. It is going to be their fault if I start getting gangrene on that scratch my cat gave me and then I have to cut a big chunk off my arm.

  19. Ok – now I’m mad at everyone who doesn’t know what “glamoured” means? I KNOW now who to call when vampires attack! And is there such a thing as too much True Blood? I think not. I test my case.

  20. I love Oregon Trail! I found a CDRom copy at Goodwill for $.50. I still play it when I get bored. I’m totally with Katie on the naming thing. But I do it more because I take the game way more seriously because I feel guilty if I let my mom or brother die. Well at least my mom.

  21. I read this on my iPhone while working out on my elliptical . . . I laughed so hard I almost fell off!!

    I am so glad you saved yourself from the evil snake, because Victor sure proved that he is just about useless in these situations! He better hope that you are around if he’s ever faced with an evil snake intent on killing him . . . or a vampire!

  22. Girl, I know what you mean when you say glamoured.
    I literally spent hours on my bed a few months ago catching up on the 2 last seasons of true blood. Considering the fact that I’m doing a Bachelor’s and also that I work, I kind of had to watch them at 11 pm at night and then go to bed at 2 am and then wake up at 6 am.


    ALTHOUGH, seeing Viking vampire Eric on the screen makes me want to be glamoured. So. Bad. Vampire Bill is just too short for me. And old. Old as in his age when he died. Because VV (viking vampire) is actually older. But you probably know that already.

    Also, I sound like a complete loser right now. Like the ones who speak of tv characters as if they’re real, and who fall in love with them and spend their nights having kinky dreams. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it’s fun. Maybe I’m oversharing though, but I’m way too high on caffeine to decipher what is socially acceptable and what is not. Although, there is also a difference between cyber-acceptable and real-life-acceptable. Right?


  23. OH my God, I have the exact same problem from watching too many Twin Peaks reruns. It’s pretty embarrassing when you yell out “HOW’S ANNIE?” and everyone looks at you like you’re about to pull a gun out. Because they’ve never watched Twin Peaks. Because they are fuckmuppets.

  24. I got all the pop culture references (except Oregon Trail, but I’ll check that out), and I don’t watch True Blood. I think it’s from reading your blog. Thanks for polluting my mind!

    Also, uh, what was the name of the restaurant, because I’d really like to make sure I never go there.

  25. Once again, I get the reference, though I thought you were part fairy and couldn’t be glamoured…I obviously watch too much television.

  26. just… i don’t even know what to say to this post. i mean, it’s just about perfect. it kind of makes me want to never blog again because there’s no point with you around. then it makes me want to blog MORE because i can always strive to blog about non-venomous snakes glamouring me at restaurants. HOPEFULLY.

    one day, jenny. one day.

  27. At least the power didn’t go out cause then you would have had to grind up your wheat in the little coffee grinder.

  28. OMMFG! The SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME. It’s like we’re twins … or something.

    Except, instead of the part about the snake and the throwing up and the getting glamoured, I had to get up each of the past nine consecutive work days, put on “business casual” attire, drive to an office, and sit in a cubicle for eight hours while fluorescent lightbulbs sucked out my soul through the top of my skull. (That is what the definition of “A Real Job” reads like when penned by a guy who has worked from home in “underwear casual” for most of the past decade. Good thing these fuckers have deep pockets.)

    So, sorta just like your thing.

    Hope you’re recovering from all the excitement.

  29. Was that the episode where she got her leg scratched by a rusty nail? To this day that episode makes me very cautious about rusty objects… (because, you know, had I not seen that I be out there scratching myself up with rusty shit all the time)… I’m also very cautious about people with freaky blond ringlets…

    Which reminds me that I need a tetanus shot… I think it has been about 11 years… Thanks Bloggess–because of you I won’t get lockjaw….

  30. It upsets me that people who read your blog don’t know about Little House on the Prairie or what it means to glamoured. I imagine that we are all in The Bloggess’s army which is a great big family that understands things like stapling post-its to your cat, not to mention things that everyone should know about, like Little House on the Prairie and being glamoured. There just isn’t enough Ativan in the world to make this okay….

  31. I totes know exactly which LHOTP that is! The one where it looks like she’s gonna give herself a mad bikini wax with a bowie knife.

    And at the end, some dude is all, “How did she know exactly when to do that surgery on herself?” And it was because she used the Bible like a magic-8 ball, and the Bible was all, CUT THAT FUCKER OUT!

    I think I have to put on my Weezer glasses and sing: Memories! They make me want to go back there, back there! (can’t deobscurify one comment without making another to take its place)

  32. My understanding is that snakes are able to do LOTS of mind-fucking things. Cf., for example, Nagini in Harry Potter and Kaa from Jungle Book. You can’t trust them. At all.

  33. I totally understand the snakes and the glamouring AND the aliens. I’m sure they’re just waiting until I drop my guard and then BAM! I’m piloting a spaceship full of snakes only I’ve been glamoured into thinking they’re Antarians (the shapeshifting kind, not the Skin-wearing kind).

  34. Why is it that when I go to Google more information about your obscure Ma Ingalls reference, Google tries to search “Ma Ingalls Chinese Sheperdess,” as my first option?

  35. So, I’ve been reading your posts a while and I would like to say that you freak out references and total overall awesomeness pretty much make my day! Just saying. And if a snake were glamouring me I’m pretty sure I’d have a tough time of it too.

  36. Now it makes sense (I was trying to sleep through my class this evening when I was rousted, but it wasn’t the teacher who smacked my head to awaken me, it was a disturbance in the force)

    Mrs. Bloggess, you were in grave danger alright, but it was not from the serpent. It was how dangerously close you came to being the trois (tres) in a dance between the duce (debil and his lover).

    Absolutely nothing wrong with lunching, lamouring or glamourin with someone who slithers AND skitters (in fact that’s the type of times one forgets their name)


    when the them are two and only one skitters and the other one slithers that is the tell tale (Lucifer is about to poke into lucy’s fur) at which point you really have to look away, cause if you do not before the tingling G you first feel E and once enamored unless your loves victor is there to drag you away you will under trance join in as a third with the debil and his lustful sweaty and slipperous little melie.

    and then that’s it, cause rest assured you gals from Texas will out preform the red jackass with horns and when it’s evident to him that his partner was more satisfied being Texafied that little jealous bastard’s tantrum will be the end all userment of agreed….

    and that just plain sucks when people don’t have the imagination to follow your kick ass mind and it’s stories obscure reference. I know EXACTLY how you must feel.

    the mind is the most powerful sex oregon, so leave them behind if they won’t hit the trail, who cares what they think anyway, as long as Victor nods I say the lights are green (even if they seem a little foreign or alien)

    your stories kick ass (that was a disturbance in the force, YOU done rumbled it all up Texas Twilight two steppin style)
    and that sure as hell trumps and of this bidniss of the devil making three! I need to be advocating You Miss Jenny

  37. I gotcha dude. I recently became a god father and the pastor at the church I went to was southern and friendly like a politician and the church was all modern blond wood and flat screen tv’s for reading the hymns and I leaned over to my wife and said, “Whoa. So totally Fellowship of The Sun.”

    And my wife almost laughed out loud and that’s how we stay married

  38. How to survive a home snake invasion 101.

    If you ever see a bicycle tire sitting on the woodpile in the garage and you think “hey why the F&*^! did Victor leave a bicycle tire there?” and you look again and its actually not a tire but a honking king snake 5 feet long, DONT Run to get the Orange Home Depot bucket in the basement that you kept the flowers in from your wedding to transport the snake, cause it (honking king snake heretofore known as HKS) will be gone by the time you get back.

    Moreover, 2 days later when you go down to the basement to get the dog food (I know your poor pug is gone and I’m so sorry but this is a story about the future and I think you’ll get a new dog so bear with me) and you’re stumbling around in the semidarkness and you step over a hoe and you think “For once I didn’t leave a hoe there; I am so totally going to bust on Victor” but then you think about it again and realize Victor would never leave a hoe anywhere because he’s simply too anal, and you realize “$*&^! its the HKS”, whatever you do, DONT grab the real hoe and use it to put the HKS into the Home Depot bucket and then run upstairs to bring the dog in so you can put the snake outside. Because it turns out snakes can lift the top 1/3rd of their body so if the snake is 5 feet long and the bucket is only 14 inches long; well you do the math; dude ain’t staying in the Orange bucket. You will never see that snake again and you’ll be too terrified to do laundry ever again and Victor will divorce you.

    Also, 3 days later it will dawn on you that the mouse family living in your cupboard in your kitchen is no more and that the garage HKS is the same HKS as the basement HKS who actually slithered in through the garage, into the kitchen, ate the mice and then headed downstairs to digest in the cool of the basement and holy chupacabra Victor! You’re mind will go into over drive because Y’all there was a snake in the house and he could be anywhere and then you will wish you’d been glamoured! You will finally be pushed over the edge completely and only Paralegal strength Xanax will bring you back. And eventually it will get cold and HKS will run out of basement mice and he will curl up in the wall and you’ll never see him again UNTIL his corpse starts to rot in the wall of your house and the moronic exterminator mistakes the mice having a party at his funeral for dead squirrel and suddenly well I think you know the rest (although I thought this was a story about the future but it seems to have become somehow very deja vu happening to someone else-esque.)

    What you should do, is get the dog food container and put the HKS in it with the real hoe and close the lid and bungie it.

    But then whatever you do, don’t put it in the oven, even if you never use the oven, even if you’re mad at Victor and think it would be clever to get revenge by putting the HKS someplace he’d smugly never store anything just to be unique in counterpoint to his (smug) perfection or because you’re on strike and he needs to take you out to dinner, because invariably you’ll forget about it and eventually you’ll plan a romantic dinner to make up with Victor and let me tell you the funk that is melted pet food and tuperware smoke seriously kills the mood and may also cause lung damage. Plus getting melted pet food & tupperware out off an oven wrack might just prove seemingly impossible so you’ll go bankrupt eating out until they want to foreclose on you and then you’ll somehow find a buyer for a short sale but the day you’re closing on your house you’ll realize OMG the oven racks are covered in kibble infused hardened tuperware which is actually your kriptonite. You will try all you can think of but the only think that will work is a blow torch (I think it will work, I haven’t actually tried this with the HKS in the kibble/tupperware; that is an embellishment unique to this story). And we all know if Victor won’t let you have a gun, a blow torch is probably out of the question.

    What you should do is leave it for Victor in his side of the bed because HKS dispatching is clearly a job for the man who made you move to the country. Or put it in the freezer and then send it to the taxidermist have it stuffed and make it a little Christmas hat and it can be your card for next year.

    I don’t know why I feel the need to give you this advice. It just seemed like with the abundance of wildlife down there this is the kind of thing for which you may need an survival manual. You & Victor (especially Victor) can thank me later.

  39. Little House On The Prarie was the best thing on television. It’s still damn epic if you ask me.

    Do they still make kids play Oregon Trail in fourth grade? I can’t remember the number of times I died from dysentery. Every time I had to cross a river I would freak and completely lose my shit if my wagon tipped over.

  40. Because I am looking for all possible procrastinations possible while writing a term paper, I felt I should let you know that I TOTALLY remember that episode of Little House. Poor woman, shes got kids and cows and oversensitive hubby all up in her face 90% of the time but when shes got the gangrene, not a soul to be found. I’d be PISSED.
    And glamoured ? Um, obviously.

  41. Where is this bistro where the waiter has ready access to firearms? Because it is now my new favorite restaurant, sight unseen.

  42. I love your writing style and almost fell out of my chair with the waiter running away from the snake, but you lost me on the True Blood mess. It’s not because I don’t get the references. I’ve read the first couple of books and couldn’t stand the writing and since then, I can’t fathom watching the show. Is the writing on the show better than the writing for the books?

  43. Clearly you do not have enough nerds or geeks reading your blog, considering glamour in True Blood isn’t even an original concept. I’m judging you all from my dank and lonely basement.

  44. I totally got all your references… don’t know if that is something to be happy about.. or not!

  45. People need to step up their True Blood watching. It is a very important show, if for nothing else than to fully appreciate a certain Swede.

  46. I too watch True Blood, and I’m not quite sure why no one else understands. Due to the fact that Victor had absolutely no reaction to what was CLEARLY some hardcore glamouring from that snake I am lead to believe that he is, like Sookie, indeed a faerie. Yes, A FUCKING FAERIE. Tell him you want his blood so you can go out in daylight and see how he reacts.

  47. I worry about my own cranial pop-culture content as well sometimes. I don’t even realize how much useless crap is rattling around in there until I go off on some tangent about how Jersey Shore is known in Japan as ‘Macaroni Rascals’ [sidenote:wtf?!] and get a bunch of blank stares from people. And then I feel like a shitwit for even knowing who Snooki is.

    Discussing common Oregon Trail playing experiences has been coming up frequently in my life recently, for some reason. I hope that isn’t some sort of fucked up foreshadowing that I am about to get dysentery. Or cholera.

    Oh, P.S. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFOwL7DxTRM

  48. you’d be surprised how often The Oregon Trail can come up in daily conversation….or then maybe it’s not really all that surprising.

  49. Weird coincidence, but I have a snake on my seat right now!

    And by ‘snake’ I mean ‘penis’ and by ‘on my seat’ I mean ‘in my hand.’

    I really liked this post.

  50. Ok, Jen, you suck! I totally want to play Oregon Trail now but you now how hard it is to find. Why must it be so hard to find a download. My goodness. I’m going to obsess over this for the next 20 minutes. Thanks for taking those 20 minutes from me Jen, thanks alot!!!!

  51. I am really old because I remember playing a freaking ANALOG version of that game – as in, on PAPER. Wow. You, Jenny the Bloggess, have rocked my world. I would never ever have thought of that experience again if you hadn’t brought it up. I am totally having sensory flashbacks to fifth grade right now.

    Fortunately, thanks to the freakishness of Facebook, I can go ask some of my old fifth grade friends if they remember it. Which means that not only has your post started a kind of reminiscing revolution, but it’s forcing me to social network, which I’m not sure I’m happy about but at least now I have some use for these so-called “friends” that I thought I would never see again if the internet hadn’t brought them, and the OREGON TRAIL back!

    It’s a love-hate feeling I’m having about technology, combined with the experience of being a preteen pioneer and fragranced with the smell of my classroom on the second floor of the “new building,” which did not have computers despite its newness, in 1979, at Warner Avenue School. (It did have a special room with that giant hand-crank machine that ran off copies in purple ink with that hallucinogenic solvent – oh wait, another smell from childhood.)

  52. Any post that goes from Little House on the Prairie to True Blood is aces in my book.

    Snakes freak me out.

    Aliens not so much, at least not since they took me to the really bright round room, fed me cheese, and told me that they came in peace and wanted to be our friends….

  53. just so it iz clear that we are all on different pages, I really don’t speak gibberish (well I actually the evidence is indicative that I do, but I honestly do not know what the hell I am saying other than the predicate of person ie:whoiswho)

    everything else is simple mindreading (and I ain’t exactly too good at that) hence those who do not realize I really am off the confused persuasion: as in I am perpetually confused which translates to habits of the uninformed, both linguistically and sexually too. In many ways I am on the sleepling population, it is just that my sleepy time gets vividly burned into memories that same as my hours awake, all documented, recorded, and backed up verbatim. And that is just the way my crazy is, and has always bean

  54. One time I watched Little House on the Prairie. My favorite character was the jerky douche blonde chick. She was such a b word. It made me feel awesome.

    I think that says a lot about me.

  55. Lol, The snake glamoured you. Hilarious. And I know what True Blood is, but I suppose the unenlightened always whine about not knowing the way and such.

  56. “Sookie Is Mine!”

    Anyhoo, if I had read this like….two weeks ago I totally would not know what you were talking about when you said Glamoured but I do now because as I was reading this post I was totally watching True Blood.

    Ps. I totally read Little House On the Prairie and I don’t remember Ma Ingalls cutting off her leg…

  57. When does True Blood come back on? I’m cold turkey… do you think Dexter can glamor people too? I knew I had watched the Sopranos too much when I expected to see a surprise murder happen at the local italian restaurant… So really, when does True Blood come back on? Where can I learn to turn into a puppy?

  58. I so hope you didn’t eat at that restaurant after the snake slithered inside. And was there a mass exodus when the other patrons realized that the establishment had been overrun by one snake? I totally would have left and probably not paid my bill either (not because I’m cheap, but, shit, there’s a SNAKE in there).
    Didn’t know about glamouring, but it actually sounds kind of kinky and fun. Hmmm…
    I would love to get my hands on a CD copy of Oregon Trail. I have too much time on my hands coming soon since the big project I was working on is almost over. I didn’t understand the Apple download site mentioned above, so if anyone else has some ideas, please post them for me. Thx.

  59. I had this teacher in like HIGH SCHOOL that would make us play Oregon Trail for HOURS. I think she hated her job, and considering it was the 80’s and she used the computers to keep us mostly quiet while we were playing our game, I think that she was on to something…..

  60. I totally get the references to both Little House and True Blood. I watch them both. Yep, I like to flip channels and find Little House and depending on which one, I watch it. If it’s anything to do with Laura fighting with Nellie, I’m all over it! I think it’s similar to people not getting my The Stand references when we’re sick. I see a lot of people sick and I fear it’s Captain Trips but then most people are all like, “Say wha?” Like we’re all sick right now and I do think it’s Captain Trips but no one believes me or knows what I’m talking about. On another note, last time we saw a flu shot sign it said “Now available with H1N1” but they ran out of numbers cause it said HINI so we were gonna call and ask what the hinney shot was but I digress.

  61. Reading through the comments I see that the TV version of Little House on the Prairie threw Carrie down a well. Should have been that prissy do-gooder Mary.

  62. Thanks for the clarification. I was thinking of “glamoured” in the sense of a spell used to change appearance. Like “that elf has cast a glamour upon her self so that she might look like a sandwich and go amongst the sandwich people of deli-land”.

  63. Maybe it was a Nellie Olsen snake…she was always the mean girl. Poor Half-pint. Poor Jenny. Geez…perhaps drive- through for the next family celebration. They call them Happy Meals for a reason. They make you happy and you get a toy. It’s all good.

  64. I’m terrified of snakes but I don’t know what scares me more… the snake on the chair or the fact that the waiter might just be carrying a gun… to work? How is that not the main point of the story.

    And sidenote, my son has a stuffed animal snake that I got him at our local natural history museum and he knows I’m afraid of snakes… so sometimes when he’s not looking I will wrap it around my neck then fall to the floor in front of him gasping for breath… surely that will come up in therapy in his teenage years.

  65. There is absolutely no such thing as watching too much True Blood. Umm… hello?! ERIC! Screw Twilight, I am SO Team Eric. Homeboy can glamour me any time he wants.

  66. Uhm, I dunno about you guys, but I’ve pretty much spent every moment since September 7, 2008 praying to the sweet baby Jesus that Eric Northman find me, glamour me and turn me into one of his Fangtasia slores.

    But I digress.

    Sorry that snake got all up in your business.

  67. The worst part about your entire post, really, was that *I* got all of your pop culture references and I do my best to stay away from that kind of stuff. That’s… pretty telling… But then again, my knowledge of the Ingalls came from the book *shifty*
    YAY SNAKES >.>

  68. I totally read all of the Little House on the Prairie books, including the ones where Laura gets married, so I knew what you were talking about. Also, who doesn’t know what glamouring means? They should be shot for not loving the quality Sunday evening programming on HBO.

  69. “Glamoured?” How glamourours and glittery sounding! On the Vampire Diaries they call it being “compelled.” Much less fancy.

    And there go my three blog readers after that confession!

  70. turn off the tv Jen… or don’t, because I realize that’s where you get most of your fuckery to base crap on and then tell us about it, lol.

  71. I got your glamored reference right way, no worries. And happy birthday to Victor – his best birthday present, the fact that his wife wasn’t murdered by a non-venomous, vegetarian snake. Phewph.

  72. Let’s hope that snakes can glamor us because the y WILL get us in the end and I would rather go blissfully ignorant THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  73. I have never watched True Blood, nor have I ever played Oregon Trail… however if there was a snake on MY SEAT at a restaurant all bets would be off and I would be back in the car faster than you can say complementary appetizer!

  74. Well, I got all your references. But I’m an old fogey (as in my *daughters* played Oregon Trail), so that might not be a great comfort to you. : P

  75. As a former wiccan I totally get the glamouring reference so well done you! Also Happy Birthday Victor Master Traveler of the World! Lastly, FU Snake!

  76. I was glamoured once. I was sixteen and they made my hair all big and put a TON of make=-up on me. Like, pounds, I’m sure. Because my sixteen-year-old skin was just full of wrinkles and old-ness. You know. But yah, it wasn’t a great experience.

  77. I think you are not watching ENOUGH True Blood. Otherwise you would have realized that the snake was probably just a shifter or a were-snake. Think about it. He was just sitting at a table outside wondering why no one was taking his order, when two people start coming at him so he jumps (or the snaky equivalent) off the chair and slithers into the restaurant for help. No wonder the shifter/weres haven’t come out like the vampires. Will they ever be accepted?

  78. My neighbor had a bunch of snakes in his tree one time. And I live in Ohio not Texas, so it was crazy to see snakes in a tree. So I made my husband call 911. They were fake snakes to scare the birds away from the cherries because it was a cherry tree. My husband got really mad at me. Especially when I almost peed myself laughing. Why would he listen to me, anyhow?
    Fake snakes are assholes.

  79. I would have taken one look at the snake, turned around, and left. I may be brave enough to eat the bologna that I dropped on the floor and the cat ate half of, but I am terrified of snakes.

  80. I didn’t know what being glamoured was either, but thanks to you now I do. I apologize on behalf of all the people who didn’t get your reference and made you have to explain it, because having to explain it pretty much takes away the impact of the comment in the first place, right? Like having to explain a joke. It’s not funny after you have to explain it.

    So, I depend on you to keep me abreast of all the newest lingo because I am such a nerd and completely stuck in the ’80s. I was very with-it and cool then, but that kind of coolness is very not cool now. You are the coolest person I know. You should glamour all of us and maybe we’d get a clue and step into the times.

  81. So, what did the snake order at the bistro? And was it any good?

    The snake wasn’t winking at you, it was telling the waiter, “HEY, I haven’t even gotten a glass of water yet, you putz!” And then the stupid waiter tries to give the snake’s table to other customers (you guys), and the snake is all, “I’m going to go have a word with the manager,” and goes inside. No wonder the waiter freaked out. I hope you didn’t tip him, gun or no gun. Seriously, this discrimination against reptiles has got to stop.

    Have you ever seen Anonymous Rex? Funny movie. Possibly germane, here.

  82. I want to say something witty, but all i can do is scream “I WAS ALMOST KILLED BY A SNAKE, TOO”. But it wasn’t in a bistro. It was in my kitchen, when I lived in a shack, down by the river. Only it didn’t really almost kill me, it just hung out on my kitchen sink until my landlady’s son came over and bludgeoned it to death on the floor. Never live in a shack.

  83. I got all three references. I’m afraid of what says about me. Also, when you get glamoured by a snake, it’s probably better to use some sort of Harry Potter reference, but I forget what the Basilisk did to Ginny. That’s probably where you went wrong.

  84. My name is the exact same as the chick who played Laura … no I’ve never fucking heard of the show.. ever…

  85. I really, really thought it was Ma’s ARM, not her leg and now, damnit, I’m going to have to FIND OUT. You know, I have nightmares about that episode on the regular. Thanks for reminding me.


  86. Everybody in my caravan always got killed by “accidental” gun shot wounds, unless they died of “accidental” drownings while trying to caulk the wagons and float. Even as a 4th grader, I thought that sounded pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty suspicious.

    (There’s my reference to a tv show that nobody will probably get. Here’s a hint, though. It’s this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_05qJTeNNI)

  87. Is it bad that this post made complete sense to me? Because it totally did and i followed every word and knew exactly what you were talking about and it’s not even 9:30 here and I’m not drinking yet, really, I’m not.

  88. I barely remember the TV show, but I was trying to remember when during the Little House books gangrene had been involved. Totally played Oregon Trail — in school even!

  89. Please don’t change the meds, we need the laughs. FYI, I’m on Victor’s side, can’t live where you guys do without getting cosy with some snakes.

  90. Wait, wait, so so many pop culture references my head is spinning. First of all, I am a Little House on the Prairie BOOK obsessed person so you started talking about Ma’s gangrened leg and I was like WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?!?!? Because Good Lord, that never happened in the books, Ma was also gently disapproving Laura’s bonnet choices or making sorghum cookies but WHERE THE SHIT DID SHE GET GANGRENE?!?!?!

    Oregon Trail, I’m good, you’re good, we all played it but how do people not know about True Blood and glamouring? My dogs know about glamouring. And I would let Eric Northman glamour me all the live long day. THE END.

  91. Here’s the deal: Pa Ingalls had a beard. Michael Landon did not, so he could not be Pa Ingalls. That show was a MOCKERY of everything Laura Ingalls WIlder stood for. People who liked it obviously had a glamour cast upon them. Heh.
    Snakes who eat in trendy bistros, however, are cool, and they have nictating membranes instead of eyelids. They tend to dine and dash, though, since they have no pockets.

  92. True Blood is awesome! It is like porn with a really good plot and some blood.

  93. I tried to take the blades off my old figure skates when I was youngish’ because I wanted shoes just like Laura and I figured that was the only way to get them.

  94. Maybe you’re part Faerie and therefore glamour doesn’t work on you? That would probably explain why you’re freaking cool. =) It would also explain why you’re interested in aliens.

  95. Ha! Being Canadian it’s so funny to me to read about the neighbour having a gun and the waiter running to grab a gun, etc since I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a gun (unless of course it’s plastic or shoots lasers or paintballs at you – but it’s not the same. Although maybe that’s what the snake wants – to be shot by paintballs so that it could camouflage a little better. But since paintballs are typically bright awesome and sometimes neon colours, it could only really camouflage if the it was going to a rave. And of course if this snake was at a rave it would be the COOLEST.SNAKE.EVER. and could probably find you some awesome drugs. You know, if you were into that sort of thing.) AND, the snake could TOTALLY PROTECT you from the wrong kind of vampire! If you have some dracula type who (let’s be real here) is not so sexy and who shape shifts into bats, the snake could totally just eat it, and then you wouldn’t have to worry about being glamoured…and then we’d be left with only the super sexy vampires who don’t shape shift into dirty, disease-ridden animals, and then who *wouldn’t* want to be glamoured by them?!).
    Moral of the story? Shooting snakes will get you killed by vampires (or glamoured by the dirty old vampires) and seriously erode the black market drug industry. Therefore? Guns are bad.

  96. Whoever didn’t get the True Blood reference totally needs help… Unless they just watch the show with the sound turned off so that they can ogle the sexy men…. Then it’s a little more understandable…

    And I LOVED Oregon Trail!!! 🙂

  97. Let me first say: where the hell do you live, that gigantic snakes are just slithering into bistros? Nowhere I’m gonna eat, I tell you what!
    I remember a lot of Little House, but must have missed Ma having gangrene. But she wouldn’t have let Charles call her dude, I know that much. And you can never watch too much True Blood.

  98. True Blood totally rocks.

    Victor needs to sit down and watch it. And have a few shots too.

    I would’ve had the same reaction to the snake.

    You were totally glamoured and wth don’t they realize this

  99. Nope, no eyelids on snakes.
    I so wanted Pa Ingalls to be my real life daddy. I loved that show.
    I did not get the “glamoured” reference. I don’t have satellite or cable here. I just have a sucky antenna on the roof. I call it “Amish TV”..if the amish had tv, or electricity. I wonder if they would like Little House on the Prairie?? Or would they just think it was a reality show??

  100. I totally got the glamouring reference. Also I’ll have you know I never died of dysentary, I always drowned in the river with my four ox, oxes, oxen? what is the plural for brown boxes on a green computer screen. Wait, maybe this is a question for Ask the Bloggess.

  101. And hear I thought the snake “glamouring” you meant he magically made you over with the latest and greatest fall make up colors. It’s a viper, wait, maybe it’s maybelline.

    Also, our waiters here on the west coast only “scatter”, never do they “skitter”. What’s up with that?

  102. I know what glamoring is and I’m not sure how much it actually takes out of you. Like, it really hurts that girl that works at Eric’s bar, but not Tara or Jen’s family. So, who knows. I’m not sure if the snake being in a bistro or it “jumping off of the chair” is the best part of the story.

  103. I use to be on a radio show in the afternoons with two totally talented men. (I’m now a totally talented teacher.) Our ages were very different. We played a game called “Generation Gap” and asked each other pop cultural questions with listeners from our generation. (Example: Name all the Breakfast Club personas. Name all the Brat Pack.) I would get someone in their 20s to help me with his questions and vice versa. I struggled with asking about cabbage patch kids and such, because I just remember Matlock & Little House on the Prairie questions.

    PS Dear God, please let there be on typos or grammatical errors.

  104. Glamouring? Oh, television these days, I swear. That doesn’t even make sense! Glamouring. Ridiculous. Obviously it was trying to tell you something in Parseltongue.

  105. LOL I don’t know if I should be proud or embarrassed….but I totally knew what “glamoured” meant….and I was busting up!!!

    You rock! Have an awesome weekend.

  106. Those that don’t know what glamouring is are missing out on the. best. show. EVER!…. that or they were glamoured into not knowing what glamouring is. eh I like the 2nd one better – let’s go with that!

  107. DUDE! That “cutting off her leg” thing totally didn’t happen in the books, right??? Or did my mom censor the books before I read them?? THAT totally would have stuck with me, Little house on the prarie was like my Catcher in The Rye, I had multiple copies of each book because I would throw a fit until my mom bought them for me whenever I saw them…I bet that is why no one was shocked by my OCD diagnosis.
    Also, True Blood is the best show on HBO and getting glamoured by a hot vampire would be the BEST way to forget a crappy day at work.
    Love you!

  108. Oh for christ sake – I just re-read my comment. I have the stomach flu, so therefore I can’t form a proper sentence or spell. Yay.

  109. I’m so flipping happy I don’t live in an area that has as many damn snakes as yours does. I’d walk around with a spade in my back pocket so that I could go on a killing spree with the slitherin things. Can’t stand snakes.

  110. I’m more surprised by the fact that people didn’t know about glamoured than I am that a snake tried to eat you. Unfortunately that means that there are fewer Americans who have not seen True Blood or read flipping Twilight than those who have come into contact with hostile snakes.
    That kind of makes me want to go into a corner and cry.

  111. I would have totally gotten that Little House on the Prairie reference. I read the books when I was younger. I always remember this one part (in the books) where Laura and her sister blew up a pig bladder and used it like a balloon. I swear. Which when you think about it is really fucked up. And if Laura was alive today I’m pretty sure she’d need a lot of therapy.

  112. I hated those goody goody Ingals kids with their Ma and Pa bullshit. The only show I clearly remember is the one you tweeted about.
    btw…… Happy Bidet Victor!

  113. OMG, I was just the other day trying to remember the last name of the family on Little House. For reals. And it depressed me that I had forgotten that because I soooooo had wanted Mrs. Ingalls as my ma when I was a kid. And, I recently realized, as a mother, I now aspire to be her. Only, maybe, sexier.

    Anyway, all I could come up with was Olsen, which I knew was Nellie’s last name and dude, I effin hated that bitch. I did. With a passion. She needed to be beat down, that one. Which I suppose the Ingalls did. Beat her down with their love. And patience.

    Alrighty, pretty freaky about the snakes and I totally got glamouring, but not from True Blood (I cannot stand fake southern accents.) I got it from the movie The Craft. That kicked some wiccan ass. Have a great, snake-free weekend, Jenny!

  114. Oy! “Glamoured” goes back to old faerie tales. They’d put a glamour on you to make you like them, or put a glamour on themselves to make them look better, or to pass unnoticed, or whatever. Oh and glamouring everyday items to make them look like they’re worth something, like gold nuggets instead of seashells, ugly changeling babies they’d trade for your children…. Faeries are wicked f’d up. And speaking of True Blood, since Sookie’s part faerie does that explain why she’s sort of funny looking but everyone thinks she’s hot?

  115. People didn’t get what glamouring meant? I mean, Anne Rice had this covered back with Interview with a Vampire, and Stephen King used it in Salem’s Lot. This sh$t ain’t new, people. Stephanie Meyer and Charlaine Harris (I am very, very sorry to CH for using both their names in the same sentence) have just succeeded in making it all very popular again. This isn’t ephemera. One day the new dentures will have fangs built in, and high schools will study what it meant about society that we had such waves of vampire & zombie fandom, and you’ll wonder how did we get here. Keep up.

  116. Do I get extra credit as a devotee of your Bloggessness because I got the Little House reference AND also knew what glamoured meant?

  117. Seriously, I am NEVER going to Texas. Its like you live in the Wild. WTF?
    Snakes, Scorpions, Dead Squirrels…
    Its not normal. Move back to the city where nature isn’t so mean.

  118. How do people *not* know what being glamoured means?!?! Jesus Christ what is this world coming to.

    God I miss True Blood. Don’t think I can wait until next June. I need a vampire to glamour me until then, preferably with his non-venomous snake, but only if he looks like Eric. Yum!

  119. I got the Glamoured thing but must have missed that LHOP episode with the gangrenous leg – I do remember the one when Mary went blind though, just like instantaneously for no reason – what was that all about?

  120. I miss True Blood already. And Vampire Diaries vampires glamour people too. I’d like Damon glamour me any time 😉

  121. I think I’m glamoured right now because non-glamour Karen can type better than that. I’d “let” Damon glamour me.

  122. Can I get glamoured on the Oregon Trail? Or did I miss the point of this post? B/c I totally think that would be a cool experience. I’m just sayin’

  123. Remember when a “glamour” was a spell witches did to change their appearance? I totally tried to master that after seeing The Craft. I wish I were kidding.

  124. I am glad it the canadian snake glamoured you. Trust me, being the cold blooded murderer I am, if you had killed it it might take a bit of time to get over it.

  125. I am also glad that I have no idea how to type a coherent sentence. I also love that Bridget from comment #7 thinks that snakes are deadly children creatures and I am just going to pretend that comment #9 doesn’t exist.

  126. They ran a “Little House” marathon on TV on Labor day weekend. My friend and I cracked up laughing about how much bad luck the Ingalls seemed to have: Mary goes blind, the blind school caught fire and Mrs Garvey and Mary’s baby are killed, blizzards, wagons crashing and killing everyone onboard. The Ingalls never seem able to catch a break. If I was Ma I would have been chewing Xanax by the fistful and snatching swigs off Mr. Edwards moonshine.

  127. Funny that you mention Oregon Trail. http://www.virtualapple.org/oregontraildisk.html YOU CAN STILL PLAY IT OLD SCHOOL ONLINE! I discovered this last christmas and played with my 6 year old niece.

    As for Glamouring, we watch lots of True Blood in our house, so I’m in the know. So are our cats, who often try to glamour me when they want to be petted. But it doesn’t work because they aren’t vampires. Which I’m excited about, because vampire cats don’t seem like they’d make great pets. Plus, they are creepy.

    Have fun playing Oregon Trail!

  128. I think I’m the only idiot who NEVER HEARD of the Oregon Trail…anything…yeah, the glamour thing I got, but True Blood got stupid with panthers and freakin’ fairies, but yes, Eric the Viking makes it worth the stupidity.
    Keep up the references Jenny, because you don’t want to ‘pop out at parties’…get it?

  129. Bleh…snakes, I hate em’
    Learn to use a gun, even if Victor doesn’t want to teach you himself.
    You live in Texas for crying out loud!

  130. The snake was probably just waiting for its soda water and salad. You ruined lunch for him.

    And you made total sense to me, which probably means I need to up my meds as well.

  131. They probably don’t know what “glamoured” means because they all got GLAMOURED. DUH!

    Seriously. You need to move. Up north. Where chupacabras and snakes don’t live. Or at least they don’t come out into the open where the people and vampires are.

  132. Hey now, I know about true blood AND oregon trail. and I’m a youngin. Also Oregon Trail for iPhone is WAY harder than it was when I was 7. Not iPhone. The tiny mac computer thing. It was easier when I was 7.

  133. All the snakes, scorpions, foxes, toxic mold, etc., etc., makes me think you’re living in your own episode of Little House on the Prairie. Should we start calling you “Laura”?

    More meds are always a good thing.

  134. I was with you for “little house on the Prairie” and i was like oh shit i do remember Oregon Trail but you lost me with glamouring but then again i’m drunk so maybe i just couldn’t follow along that far. and i can’t spell tonight because of the beer i had to copy and paste prairie and oregon and glamouring. but i enjoy drunk commenting so like jay z says i’m on to the next one adlfjaljdfljafjdal

  135. I’m proud to say that I got both references, but I shouldn’t be because they’re not obscure at all… Very popular icons in the television medium if you ask me… I’m sorry about the snake. It must’ve been a shifter trying to scare the shit out of you, like literally.. so you could also die of dysentery.

  136. This post makes perfect sense. And Victor is a leader among men.

    Poor snake.

    Little House doesn’t follow the books very well.

  137. How do people live in the world right now and not know what GLAMOURED means??? Gah. You know, each vampire has his/her own special skill (Eric flies, for instance). Perhaps the snake WAS a vampire because morphing into a snake is his special skill. Eat some garlic. Just sayin’.

  138. Although my writing is set in Texas, I live in California, and by coincidence just today there was a big news report saying that apparently the state has become infested with rattlesnakes.

    Keep that pistol loaded.

  139. 1. deLIGHtful post. (phew!)
    2. rattlesnakes do NOT need to be shot. Good lord, if one’s on your porch, don’t hang out there. It’ll leave, eventually. Or if you’re totally freaked you can gently encourage them away with a long broom or something, but really, just avoid it, it’ll leave, and you’ll be FINE. They are native species and eat 10,000,000 mice etc. and basically only strike when terrified. I’ve done work around them, relocated them (for work, using the proper equipment), and it’s been fine. This is not the wild west (said the woman who has to think about cats, dogs, bobcats, raccoons, foxes, coyotes, mountain lions and bears trying to get at her chickens (would that I were exaggerating) ).
    3. Sorry, didn’t mean to flame. Just would like folks to stop for a moment, take a long, slow, deep breath, and think about more than one “solution” to a rattlesnake or other wildlife issue that frightens them. You can always call “animal control” in your area. It’s what they do–they are AWEsome.

  140. I can only think of 2 places in the United States it’s not an SOP to immediately call 911 for a snake in the chair, and the waiter has a freaking snake gun. TX and Louisiana. Does Victor realize that there would be a helluva lot less ” wrong with you” ( I say that with love) if you move to a place with reliable water that wasn’t haunted with wild animals in the walls? just saying.

  141. @ Jen L. – it wasn’t a morphing vampire snake. Everyone knows it was a shapeshifter. Jenny should of whacked it unconcious and it would of turned back into a human…a naked human might I add, unless it was a girl shapeshifter then that would suck, unless she like girls to!! But gosh darn, either way it would of been a site and then Victor would of gotten the gun himself! just saying!

  142. As a point of order, “glamouring” is also what the Fairy Folk do. It’s true. Find a copy of this book: “Faerie Tale” by Raymond Feist. Awesome book. Should be made into a movie. Or a made for tv movie on Lifetime. Or SyFy. Or both. Or one or the other.

    What were we talking about again?

  143. I totally get the Little House on the Prairie and True Blood references; but it disappoints me that you didn’t reference the books, specifically Farmer Boy.

  144. Did you know your first paragraph is only 2 sentences? Breathe, woman!!!

    Dysentery. It was always dysentery! That’s why I preferred Lemonade Stand.

  145. @Dee OMG, DUH! You are SO right–definitely a shape-shifter. And if it looked like Sam when it shifted back,wouldn’t THAT have been sweet?

  146. No lie, I’m sitting here reading this with a boa constrictor around my neck.

  147. Um yeah, I totally got the LHOTP reference, not to mention the Oregon Trail and True Blood references. Should I be proud or sad that I need to get a life?

  148. Thank you, Jenny.

    I stared at the screen for ten minutes trying to think of something funny to say, but I’ve got my unfunny hat on today and it’s stuck on my head, so no dice. But your awesomeness was exactly what I needed.

    So thank you.

  149. “Snookie” and “glamored” are a basic contradiction, and the result of them being in the same sentence is sort of like “matter” and “anti-matter” being in the same room.

    Also: just think of the stories you could write, if that snake had offered you an apple!


  150. Don’t be wasting precious ammo on snakes that are merely creepy. You need to save it for the rattlers, especially where you live. Here’s a fun rattlesnake fact that I just learned when I watched a YouTube video that my son made from his kayak. Diamondback rattlesnakes can totally swim, y’all.

  151. Snakes are scary and deadly.

    So are doctors with names dangerously close to ‘death’. If he comes into my appointment wearing a black cloak I hope I can run out of there fast enough.

    Glamouring AND True Blood, on the other hand, are insanely awesome and should be referenced in your blog posts as much as humanly (or vampirically, vampirely??) possible.

  152. Obscure reference for obscure brains. You triggered this WKRP moment for me, Lucille being asked what they watch on tv:

    Lucille: Uh. Well, The Little House on the Prairie. Now that’s a fine, wholesome show. It’s about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.

    Family programming at it’s finest!

  153. I remember that episode of Little House LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. Poor Ma reading that damn Bible (“if it troubleth you, cut it off”) and hallucinating. Do you remember the Little House where a girl got RAPED and subsequently was pregnant and practically was a pariah to society because “you reap what you sow”? And then Albert wanted to marry her and then Pa was like “No, you’ll never love that baby because it’s not yours” and then Albert was like “You horrible LIAR Pa, you said you loved me but obviously you DON’T because I’m not yours” and then the episode ended because the girl fell off a ladder and DIED? Little House was intense.

  154. That chick was right. You are painfully unfunny. You make Everybody Loves Raymond look like Bringing Up Baby.

  155. Jen L., I am going to make your Chocolate Pumpkin muffins and shock them with Evan williams straight bourbon. If it works out, I’ll make some with Jim Beam.

  156. SCREW the sad sparkley vampires (even though I read all those books…they are a lil’ like crack)I am team Northman all the way!How can people not understand?

  157. @Fred Miller DO IT! I always pour an extra-hearty helping of Beam into my pecan pie, too. Hell, you could probably glamour someone with those!

  158. The thing I can’t move on from, in this whole post? That the server originally went to get a gun. Whoa, gun-ness. Here, in polite Vancouver, if a server was like, “I’m going to get my gun,” I’m pretty sure that people would run out of the restaurant, assuming her was livid over his cut of the tip-pool, and within seconds, a team of hostage negotiators would be in place, as well as grief counsellors for all of the diners who’d had to run for their lives from the crazy server.

    There’s such a difference between Texas and Canada. Plus, we don’t have snakes – I lead myself to believe – in Vancouver.

  159. Little house on the prairie was an evil show. It was one of those shows that if you start watching just five minutes of it sooner or later you find yourself weeping and rocking back in forth as Pa tells his girls how much he loves them even if one of them is blind. I totally remember when Ma had to cut open her festering wound and she tied a rag around it and bit on a stick or something and then all you see is the outline of the house and you hear her wail through the cold night. It was in winter correct? Hence the isolation. I always hated Nellie, she was a douche canoe for sure. A douche canoe in need of a good douche. This comment makes no sense, but I just wanted you to know, I’m right there on the prairie with ya, and on the trail, but I might just be saying that cause my landlady’s cat just glamoured me….

  160. That glamoured comment = priceless! I got it – and will more than likely have to use that line at some point in my life.

  161. That is EXACTLY why I hated that show…NEVER HAPPENED. Freaking Michael Landon making shit up for ratings.
    You would think the waiter would have had one of those little catch-pole thingies…I mean, it is Texas, isn’t it? Where my Chicagoan mom once put a big glass funnel over the plate size spider in her garage, showed it to a neighbor who pronounced “Well, now, that’s just a little ol’ dirt spider, Sug!” Needless to say, she got the hell out of Tyler as quick as she could… but I digress. I think.

  162. True Blood is in it’s third season. You can get it on NetFlix. I think most of your followers must be Amish, Jenny.

    “Churning butter a la Ingalls Wilder” sounds filthy!

  163. Not only did I get your Little House reference, I totally know what glamouring is. Which means I laughed out loud a lot at this post. WOOT!

  164. One of my proudest moments in school was when I got all of my people to Oregon safely for the first time. It totally rocked, I do miss that game so much.

  165. I knew there was a reason I was not allowed to watch Little House on the Prairie. My mom said it was too sappy. We didn’t do sappy. My mom once set a 4 year old (me) out to close the garage door when there was a snake on sidewalk. Then she got the mailman to kill the snake.

  166. Who doesn’t know about True Blood? It’s only the best show, and okay fine – if you hate vampires, I get it – but at least get on board with the nudity and sex. Jeez.

  167. I only just found your blog recently. I can’t remember where…..but I just wanted to tell you I love your Blog! Tanks for being so funny. Also, I know what “glamoring” is and My husband hates “Twilight” but he loves “True Blood” , I guess because of all the sex, but maybe he was “glamored” into watching it.


  168. Two things: 1. Had it been me and a snake- don’t bother calling 911 it will be too late! I HATE those things! 2. I LOVE your blog- it’s great for good, hearty laughs!

  169. Well I also watch waayyyyy too much True Blood although I just started watching them-I totally understand what glamouring meant lol!

  170. So, I came across your blog from Young House Love and have been reading backwards b/c I do that sometimes. This post is a perfect example of why I keep reading. Oregon trail!!! Also, you made Neil Gaiman have an invisible cigarette and that is awesome. I realize those are two different posts, but I ain’t got all day here.

  171. As i was reading this old post, two birds flew full force at my living room window, causing me to scream as if i was being murdered. I obviously could not cut off my own leg if the situation called for it.

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