My neighbor Charlotte told me that last week she was home alone with her kids and had to shoot a rattlesnake on her front porch and then right after that our water got cut off and then Hailey came down with the stomach flu and Victor was out of town and I felt a lot like Ma Ingalls that time when she had to cut part of her leg off because she had gangrene and Pa abandoned her and I said something about it on twitter but it fell a bit flat because not everyone is going to get your obscure references to tv shows that were cancelled 30 years ago, Jenny. But then the water came back on and Hailey stopped throwing up and I tweeted that no one had dysentery and everyone rejoiced without question because not everyone watched Little House on the Prairie but apparently we all played Oregon Trail.
Then last night Victor flew home from his conference and today we went out for his birthday (Happy birthday, Victor. Please stop deserting us) and when the guy from the bistro went to seat us he pointed to a table outside and that’s when I saw an enormous snake on my chair. I was fairly certain it was some sort of deadly pit viper but Victor said it was just a rough green snake and it wouldn’t hurt anyone but the waiter freaked out and went to get a gun and Victor was all “No. Let’s just move it” and so he and the waiter tried to move the chair but the snake freaked out and jumped off the chair and then the waiter skittered back and then the snake slithered right into the open door of the bistro. Then the waiter turned green and Victor went in to see if he could find the snake but he couldn’t so he came back out and I told Victor that this is why I need for him to show me how to use the riot gun and he refused because “you’re a dangerous menace blah blah blah” and then I was all “I WAS ALMOST MURDERED BY A SNAKE” and he was like “That snake eats bugs. It’s non-venomous. Fucking relax, dude” and I was all “You didn’t see how it was glaring at me” and Victor was all “It wasn’t glaring” and I was like “Well then, it was winking. Or blinking. Hard to tell with snakes” and Victor was all “Are you done now?” and I was like “I think it might have glamoured me” and Victor just stared at me and I whispered “Like a vampire” and Victor was like “Yeah, I know what ‘glamoured‘ means. What the fuck is wrong with you?” and I was all “I. don’t. know” because honestly, I don’t. Probably because I got glamoured. This is also why this post doesn’t make much sense. Getting glamoured takes a lot out of you.
Updated: Okay, apparently True Blood is even more obscure than Little House on the Prairie and no one understands what “glamouring” is. It’s when a vampire hypnotizes you. I worry about you people sometimes. And also I worry about how much of my brain is taken up by unnecessary pop-culture references. And about snakes. And lately? Aliens.
I might need to up my medication.