I was just outside and I heard this thrumming noise and I stopped short because I thought maybe it was a snake and I looked around and finally realized that I was hearing the sound of a hummingbird flapping it’s wings and I was all “Victor? I don’t want to alarm you but I think I just got super-human hearing because I JUST HEARD A FUCKING HUMMINGBIRD WITH MY BARE EARS” and he was all “I said ‘Uh…yeah. Everyone can do that”. And I half-suspect that he’s just lying because he’s threatened by my super powers but I actually had to ask him to repeat himself twice because I couldn’t hear what he was saying but that was probably because he was mumbling on purpose just to throw me off.
It’s been a very disappointing sort of morning.
And now for my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-this-week-when-wasn’t-here:
This week on Ill-Advised:
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
- “I got vines growin’ outta my jojo!”
- Yarn p0rn. I can’t even tell if this is safe for work anymore.
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- A post I wrote about being plagiarized was plagiarized. For real.
- My photograph made it to the front page of HackedIRL.
- In honor of no make-up week I gave up showering and also murdered my cat.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
it’s called selective hearing. All the great super heros/wives have it.
Of course you have superpowers. Duh.
Hummingbirds piss me off. They obviously think they are better then every other bird just because they can hover and fly backwards. Big deal.. arrogant little pricks.
I’m going with Victor on this one. Sorry but I’ll never lie to you about important stuff like this.
I have been eating SUPERFOODS specifically to see if I could develop super powers.
I think it’s working.
My super powers include “pulling off short hair”, because apparently that’s a compliment.
I heart your blog.
And I love the trailor. I’ve been ROLFCOPTERING since Friday morning. Thank god for people like him.
Victor is most definitely jealous of your super-power and is trying to take it away from you probably because he can’t hear humming birds.
P.s. What’s a humming bird? Do they hum?? If so is it a familiar, recognisable tune?
P.p.s I so, so *love* zombie-fying myself on Picnik it hurts… Although, given that most pictures of me highlight my naturally, slightly anaemic/makes-people-think-I’m-vegetarian looking pale skin and the dark circles under my eyes I’m thinking I’m not going to have to tamper too much…
Did you mean to say you heard it with your “bear” ears? Because bears have superfluous hearing and obviously so do you.
Disclaimer: I don’t know anything about bears’ hearing. I also don’t know what superfluous meant, but I thought it sounded cool.
Yes, I can hear hummingbirds also. I’m sorry. But cheer up, I’m sure that you have quite a few superpowers other than super hearing.
I used to be able to hear the lips of my ex-wife flapping constantly.
Didn’t really need super hearing for that, though. Loud crazy bitch.
That’s WHY they’re called hummingbirds. 🙂 But I’m pretty sure you still have superpowers.
I, for one, have never, ever heard a hummingbird. Victor must be intimidated by your super sonic hearing. Can you add that to the special skills section of your resume?
Ummm…I also totally didn’t know you could hear humming birds with your bare ears, or even bear ears. Also, I’ve never actually seen a humming bird, so I sorta thought that maybe they were called humming birds because they hummed cheerful folk tunes like the birds in Disney movies do.
Dear Jenny,
I never hear hummingbirds. All the voices drown them out.
-Tony
I was actually thinking that you couldn’t hear Victor because the hummingbirds were so loud. Also, don’t ever give up showering. Unless you want vines growing, you know… (ewww)
~EdT.
I just realized that every time I think I hear a helicopter, but can’t see it, it’s because it’s actually a hummingbird. Thanks for clearing that up. I’m surprised Victor can’t hear them. Noisy little buggers.
Victor just can’t hear the “p” in “something”.
Is today super-senses day? I read about your superhuman hearing right after observing my cat’s superfeline sense of smell (I opened a package of smoked fish and didn’t smell anything, but my cat came zooming in from two rooms away).
Speaking of cats, I don’t think you murdered yours. I think your cat probably likes to watch you put on your makeup, and was just sulking because you stopped for no-makeup week.
see, what *I* would be worried about is the fact that you confused a snake with a humming bird. Time to lower the dosage… just saying
i thought only blind people could hear them.
Thank you for posting that Zack Ganafacaslas <— or however the hell you spell that because I'm too lazy to look it up. He's hilarious. Have you seen him on "Bored to Death?" Epic.
Have a great week! Start it off with wine and that usually ensures awesome-ness.
Ok, where was that damn list when I had to resort to Google to figure out what the collective term for zombies was?
Also, according to Answers.com, a collective of zombies can be called an “appetite.”
An “appetite of zombies.” Talk about gilding the lilly.
All women have superpowers, but I don’t think we discover them until we are in our 40’s.
Mine?
I have the special power to sniff out bullshit…the B.S. kind. Not the excrement. It’s almost like being able to read minds.
You’re hittin perfectly pitched high notes every time! 🙂
Thank you for alerting us to “A cheat sheet for our post-Armageddon future.” I read it obsessively hoping to find a category that I could potentially belong to. Or at least I could use when I do my RPG. I do wonder what a “hustle of brownies” is? And now here we have an idea for your future project: 2 ferns. Background music of the Belgium Scala choir singing Creep. You in the middle. 😉
p.s. I am SO GLAD I checked out every link you included on this post. Otherwise I’d totally be caught for not doing so and pretending that I did. 😉 Thank you.
Btw, Victor probably just heard flies and he thought he heard humming birds.
While I am well aware you have several super poweress, let’s just take a look at one or two logical explanations for hearing the humming bird (shouldn’t there be a TM symbol after name?)
1) maybe brand new batteries were just installed when you heard it
or
2) they dropped it a hard floor, those are two instances when I have heard them (when I wasn’t the one using the humming bird on them)
reguardless, something tells me that super-O-poweress were in fact the realess exclamation for this femnonema
wooHOO Subwow! Fist bumps and ass slaps all around!
Full of awesomeness. Duh. Of course. As per usual, right? I just wanted to chime in about the extra special awesomeness of the Flight of the Conchords. I know it’s ironic and everything, but if I were to meet Jemaine and Brett, I’d totally be checking out their sugarlumps. For reals.
You didn’t JUST find out about YouPorn, did you? If so, my apologies…. for real. I assumed you knew.
yarn porn makes me cry inside. i don’t even know what else to say.
So, I recently uploaded Oregon Trail for my phone because when I was a kid, all we had at school was Where in the World is Carmen San Diego and I really felt like I was missing out on a huge cult phenomenon. Anyway, when I went to start up my game, it said my family had to include three children. I’ve only got two children and I was upset at first because kids are expensive and I really didn’t sign on to have a third baby but then I remembered your post about feeling like Ma Ingalls and so I decided that I would name my third child “Jenny” and do everything in my power to prevent her from getting dysentery. It’s all about the fresh water, Jenny. Well, the good news is that you didn’t get sick AT ALL but the bad news is that about 130 days or so into our trek, an eagle just swooped down from out of nowhere and plucked you right off the ground, never to be seen again. At first, I was worried because an eagle ate my babybee! but then I realized that the eagle swooped down and grabbed Jenny the freaking Bloggess and so you probably showed him some pictures of that crazy pig head thing you’ve got nailed to a board on the wall in your house and threatened to do that to him should he harm you in any way and figured that the eagle probably decided it would be smarter of him just to fly you straight out to the riches of California. Then, even though I didn’t actually want a third kid, and even though I accidentally let an eagle fly off with you, I decided that I am your mother after all and you should probably share some of that new Western gold you’ve lucked upon (thanks to the eagle that only found you because you were on the Oregon trail with me, your mother). I mean, it’s not like I didn’t love you. I brought you into this world. So, basically, what I’m saying here is that I’d like you to give me some money, Jenny. I’d prefer paypal but, for you, I’ll accept a cheque. Just this once.
That last picture (with the princesses and the BOY) is my favorite too. Sometimes, letting go of all control has the best results you could ever have hoped for.
Yes you have superpowers.
After four months of marriage, I am now an expert, and super patience, selective listening, and “yes dear” are all super powers that are super required or we will all go to jail for super murder…
Superpowers … Yes!
p.s. I love your weekly wrap-ups … get to find cool new sites! Thanks.
this is totally off topic from you blog post but can i just tell you that my best friend sent me a link to a clown porn site and i legit cried myself to sleep… oh god clown make-up near penises still haunts me to this day.
My mom has a superpower like that. She can sense my negative energy when I’m plotting another one of my evil schemes. Flying shoes ensue.
How does a unicorn go about contacting you? I have zombies attacking me and need your help before I loose my golden horn.
Is that really where babies come from? I heard that child and or peanut birth was painful I now know why…signed keeping my legs crossed like a good Catholic girl should, lol.
God You are hilarious! I never thought that I would find another woman wallowing in the same hilarity as my girlfriend, but here you are. No wonder she loves you!
P.S. I just had to write about you. Here’s the link