It’s possible that Misty is just fucking with me, but I really doubt it.

in Marketing gone bad, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

Wow. I could not even make this shit up y’all. You know how whenever I get a particularly terrible form-letter PR pitch I fuck with the marketer for as long as possible because I’m a terrible person and it’s entertaining to me?  Well, I do.   90% of the time I never get a response from my initial reply but occasionally these emails take on a life of their own. This is one of those times:

Hi Thebloggess.com,

Hope this note finds you well and you are enjoying your Wednesday. I also
wanted to say what a fabulous website!!! I really enjoyed going through
it, especially the “You would see the biggest gift would be from me and
the card attached would say “Thank you for helping me dig up my dead
dog”.” post. Being a mother to a 2 year old and now pregnant with twins,
I am constantly searching for valuable information to use from the
blogosphere community. It is always neat to hear other mother’s/father’s
perspectives.  Isn’t being a parent so rewarding!!!

I also wanted to introduce myself to you. I am the editor-in-chief for
BabySignLanguage.com. I wanted to see if you would be interested in helping us spread the
word about exactly what Baby Sign Language is all about. We would love to
do an guest post on Baby Sign Language for your blog. Not sure if you even
allow guest posts, but thought I’d ask and see. I would write an exclusive article
in exchange for a link to our site at the end of the article. There are many topics
that I thought your readers would enjoyfrom our baby sign language expert.
Alternatively, if you prefer another topic just let me know and I can write anything of your
choice. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks again, Misty

*****************************

Let’s just clarify here. This email is addressed to a website. I got this email on a Thursday. The post she said she enjoyed was the one where I had to dig up my recently deceased dog. It’s pretty clear that Misty had never read my blog before and thus I had no compunction whatsoever about fucking with her. My response:

Hi Misty!
Sounds like a great program but as you probably know from my blog, my child was
born without hands, so I’m not sure signing is a viable option. I assume your
sign language program is adaptable to feet?

Hugs, Jenny

To my great shock and delight, Misty was on board with this project:

Hi Jenny,

I would love to write an article on using baby sign language with your feet. Hopefully this will help other families out as well. I will get the article to you as soon as it is written. Please give me 3 weeks at the latest to get it to you. If you have any questions or need the article sooner then please let me know.

Have a great day!!!
Misty

At this point I started to feel bad that she was working on a guest post that would never be printed so I quickly responded:

I’m sorry, Misty. I probably should have clarified before that my
hand-less child is actually a cat. My husband said that some people don’t
understand when you refer to your pets as “your children” but I can assure
you that Mr. SnugglePants is more than family to me. I’m assuming that
your segment on sign language for hand-less children would translate well
for handless cats? My only concern is that most human children have 10
toes but Mr. SnugglePants was born with 12 toes, which I can only assume
was God’s way of making up for Mr. SnugglePants missing hands. Will that
be an issue?

Just let me know.
~Jenny

I suspected that would be the last I heard from Misty. I was so. fucking. wrong.

Hi Jenny,

Sorry for the confusion. I’m not sure how that would work and wouldn’t want to offend anyone by this. I am definitely not an expert in cat signing. Sorry about this.

Misty

And then I just felt bad. Because either Misty is completely clueless or she’s just really, really, really polite. So instead of fanning the flames I decided to stop the madness:

Oh Misty. I kind of want to just hug you. I have to come clean here. My cats are all fully-formed, normal-toed, and just terrible at sign language. I’m sorry. To be honest, I was just fucking with you because that’s what what I do when I get form letters from people telling me how much they enjoyed the post I wrote about my dead dog. Then I post the letters on my blog with no guilt but you’re so damn nice that I just feel terrible. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to post this on my blog and at the end I’m totally going to pimp out your sign language thingie. Because your naivete is motherfucking charming.

Hugs,
me

And, true to my word, I would like to recommend Babysignlanguage.com if you have a baby who refuses to speak to you, or an adequately-toed cat.  Also, NO ONE YELL AT MISTY.  She’s pregnant with twins and is probably very, very tired.  We’re giving her the benefit of the doubt here because she (totally unintentionally) made my whole week a little brighter.  Bless her heart.

200 thoughts on “It’s possible that Misty is just fucking with me, but I really doubt it.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Lol this is both hilarious and kind of heartwarming, in that there is someone so sweet and clueless still out there on the internet. I wasn’t sure it was possible!

  9. Oooo… oooo… ooooo!!! (hand raised) can I please write the post about cat sign language with their feet?? Really, all four paws are feet right? I mean they walk on them so they are all feet right? I think I can teach a cat to do this. I once taught a dog to use chop sticks and taught a gerbil how to hail a cab so the cat thing should be easy.

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

  11. ROTFLMAO. Poor Misty…..I wonder if that is one of those work from home things you see in the back of the greensheet?? Bet she is looking forward to maternity leave.

  12. I think my favorite part was in the form letter how she talked about how rewarding it is to be a parent in reference to your post about digging up your dead dog. Was it? Was that a rewarding parenting moment, Jenny? Oh Misty. Even saying that name gives me pleasure. Ding dang Misty. She’s making me misty-eyed.

  14. The only Misty I knew lacked hands but made up for it in other ways, like how good of a hand job she could give with her toes, the filthy whore!

  19. That was fucking hilarious!! I have a girlfriend who is deaf and almost that sweet and it totally reminded me of her. Before we each had kids, she taught me to sign a bit. What do I remember? All of the curse words! It is really, really fun to cuss at your husband in sign language. It’s even funnier when a stranger starts laughing b/c they know what you’re saying! I can’t wait for my kids to teach my friend’s kids how to curse in sign language!

  20. Pregnant with twins? Been there. Done that. I think I may go get knocked up so that I can have a baby and then buy Misty’s stuff. Because I really feel for her and want to support her.

  21. That is better than the PR pitch I, a Jew, got today asking me to watch and promote an evangelical Christian bible thumping movie.

    I like your approach.

  22. Misty just likes to suck the fun out of things, doesn’t she? I’ll bet she’s a total hoot to hang out with….

  23. MY baby has hands. And I don’t have a cat, but if I did it might have the adequate number of toes to learn cat sign language! It’s like this product was MADE for me!

  24. She seems nice enough, but why HASN’T she come up with a program for hand-less cats?? I mean it must be hard enough for them not to be able to high five, but to be ignored by the sign language community as well. My heart breaks. C’mon Misty. Make it happen.

  26. I’ve been silent laughing so I don’t interrupt my husband and his two friends who are watching Monday Night Football in our living room and just looked up to see them all staring at me… Its awesome that there is finally handless sign language, because, no lie – my mom is deaf and only has 9.75 fingers (one was involved in a terrible accident involving a cinderella watch and incorrectly installed weather stripping). Right now, her signing repertoire (sp?) only involves one sign. The sign only takes one finger or in her case .75 finger. Thank goodness she reads lips.

  27. I am very interested in cat signing because my cat is acting like a real douche bag and I would for him to explain to me why he wants to make me cry almost every day.

    Hopefully Misty can help. I will ask her very quietly for assistance.

  28. I raise my glass to Misty whose home will soon be rife with fingers and toes. Without her, and of course your deviant genius, I would not have just laughed my ass off for a full two minutes without interruption. Thank you for making my night.

  29. Not to be second-guessing your choice of fucking-with initially, but I would have gone with “My child is blind and so signing is REALLY tough for her”. Feel free to use it next time. And I won’t yell at MIsty even thought she DID whip a form letter on you.

  30. What with the baby signing, the cat signing, the twins, the time shifts, the history of taxidermy icons and the wonder that is you, I now believe that there is a shadow force at work around you…no, not your aura, something else. (I would say Da Vinci-Code-like, but I think you’re classier than that so I’m going with Wilson’s Illuminatus! trilogy.) I have lit an Aveda Himalayan Glow candle and shaken the dried rattlesnake tail that my dad gave me as a present to send you strength and maraca-like rhythm as you walk this labyrinthine path. Please continue to keep post updates, as your misfortune tends to be my entertainment. I mean that in a positive way.

  32. Oh my god. My old bedroom was once haunted by a ghost, whom I named Mr. Snugglepants! Because, obviously, who can be scared of anyone named Mr. Snugglepants?

    Poor Mr. Snugglepants is such an unfortunate character – first he haunted my dirty old apartment, then was reincarnated as a 12-toed half-pawed cat who *can’t even sign.*

  33. I think I used to work with Misty! She would always bring me a hug and a spoon with my coffee. Black coffee. Bless her heart.

  34. OK I can’t get over the “Misty” thing because all I can think of is “Misty of Chincoteague” but that’s just me. If you’re named “Misty” and not a wild pony or a porn star, I guess you are a marketing person for Baby Sign Language??? Yup learn something new every day… Go Misty! : )

  38. I have seriously laughed my ass off! spelled it out and everything. I have tears smearing my Oil of Olay old people eye cream, so thanks a lot, Jenny. Maybe I’ll just go yell at Misty.

  42. Pingback: Don’t Get Mad. Get Snarky. | Popehat

  43. She pitched me as well, and conveniently inserted my post about my recent miscarriage in the [recent post goes here] section, going on to tell me about how she’s PREGNANT! WITH TWINS!

    Um, Ouch much?

    On an additionally funny note, this Misty character is the same lady who worked for “workouts anywhere” who gave Y and me year long subscriptions to their “workouts anywhere” online service. Only Misty doesn’t realize that that’s where she knows me from.

    Word.

  44. Not an expert in cat signing? Well, what is she doing writing about sign language, then?

    (I kind of love her.)

  45. Awww, that’s so sweet that you’re pimping for Misty! I taught my daughter sign language when she was a baby (one of her aunties taught it, so I figured “why not?), and the first “word” she said was FOOD. Now she’s 21, and she STILL signs “food” sometimes when she wants to eat. LOL It’s actually a pretty good idea to teach babies sign language if you can manage it… not just for the kids who can’t or don’t want to talk, either. ASL is an effective way to have kids “use their words” when they’re more than a little wound up… it got my daughter to focus more, and to calm the heck down. Of course, everything went to hell in a handbasket once she hit puberty. But up until then, it worked really well.

  47. Hmmm…I have some heartwrenching posts on my fibromyalgia, my kids’ trauma at being thrown on the street like a piece of trash before being adopted from China, and Mom dying a slow death from Alzheimer’s, now comatose and incontinent…But nobody EVER tells me they enjoy THOSE!!! (stalks off in huff)

  48. You were looking for someone to stab earlier today. Why cant it be Misty? You know that you want to do it and it will feel so good. She is an internet marketer so it would be like a public service.

  49. Do you think Misty has any tips for making 10 year olds *go back* to signing? Because some days I think she could just give me the finger and all her feelings would be completely and succinctly expressed and we wouldn’t have to bother with all those pesky words. And the yelling.

  51. Now I just want to know what the sign is for “thanks for helping dig up my dead dog”. Because that deserves it’s own sign for those occasions with true friends. Misty should get on that, stat. Also, I know your pupster is up there in doggie wonderland smiling down at you for this whole post.

  53. Well I for one don’t think she has the right to call her site babysignlanguage if she can’t be an expert on sign language for every kind of baby. Baby cats need self-expression, too, especially handless ones.

  54. I was so intrigued about babies signing with their feet that I tried it on several today in the mall.

    FYI: The majority of moms do NOT like you twisting their kids toes into shapes of houses “OK” signs and shit even if it means bridging the enormous physical and emotional gap between deaf handless babies and regular handless ones.

    Way to preach intolerance, moms.

  55. holy crap! i have had a horrific day and this just absolutely made me laugh out loud.

    i think you might be my new best friend!

  56. Thank you for making me laugh this hard. I never respond to those but this is brilliant. Poor Misty all pregnant and confused. Wonder how many more of those emails she will send?

    On a related note I am glad to know that at least it was a real person on the other end there. I totally thought it was just some strage robots that sent those emails.

    Also related my kids with hands love sign language…but mostly they make up thier own and the made up stuff makes me laugh almost as hard as this post did.

  57. Oh and I totally mis-wrote the addy for my blog before…I don’t know who the bitch in hat is…but her name appears to be Joy Victory. So. not. me.

  58. That was awesome.

    BTW, if you ever do need a guest post on cat sign language, my cats are experts. They use their entire bodies.

  59. This is so funny! She was in way over her head from the start and didn’t know it.

    I got a similar email this week from a group of three women who have websites (they sell stuff; not regular blogs). They offered to write an “exclusive copyrighted article” for my blog, as long as I would link to one of their websites. I don’t even know them or what they would write, and all Blogger stuff is copyrighted already, so I wasn’t sure what any benefit would be in it for me. I don’t need a day off from blogging! What happened to the old fashioned way … visiting other folks sites, liking their work and asking them to be a guest contributor? It seems backwards, like Sadie Hawkins posting or something.

  60. No!!! You missed the chance to call the handless cat Mittens? Say it isn’t true!!

    How I wish all the form email senders could learn vicariously from Misty’s trip down The Bloggess Lane.

  61. I once babysat a one-year-old who knew baby sign language. I thought the kid was furiously flashing gang signs at me. Turned out, he just wanted some milk.

  62. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I did a post once on an old blog about selling on craigslist and the shit people will say to try and get your stuff for nothing. Dying children, armless husbands, and once a gecko that needed emergency vet care.

    Anyway, I did the same thing and wrote back once. To this day Im still not sure if the guy was a complete moron or really thought I could be convinced to give my 42″ Plasma to him for free (so really, who was the moron in that scenario).

    I enjoyed this post so much Im off to go find mine and repost it, in honor of a fellow woman who cant help but screw with all those village idiots. Thanks for the laugh.

  64. one of my cats is experienced in sign language. sadly, she only has the ten toes. she has no sense of smell, though – would she still qualify?

  65. WOW! I subscribe to your blog and therefore read in my reader and therefore never comment, HOWEVER this one had me absolutely rolling around on the couch cracking up. This is pretty huge considering that the Rangers just lost the world series. I even read the entire post outloud to my fiance, which I find to be a must when something is just THAT freaking hilarious. It’s endearing. Trust me. Anyway, the fact that even HE laughed after the Rangers lost the world series is VERY impressive.

    And for some reason, I am really enjoying using all caps for inflection tonight. Not sure why, but it’s done now.

  68. Wow. Misty is so politely persistant. She even apologizes and resists offending anyone by just even refusing to pretend she even knows anything at all about cat signing. I think Misty is a desperate woman in a struggle to keep that work-from-home-job so she can continue to stay at home after her twins are born. In which case, you did a very nice thing for her.

    Or….she just suckered you into the biggest scam to get you to plug her site and is sitting back right now in her big leather swivel desk chair, eating rich dark chocolate truffles, and trolling for her next victim. She’s probably all svelte and tanned and never seen or had a stretch mark from pregnancy in her life. …but I doubt it. It’s probably the first scenario.

    Sweet, little Misty, mother and lover of helping babies to communicate more effectively.
    P.S. I helped her a little, too, by clicking on her site–even though I have no babies at my house.

  69. I loved it. She’s adorable. PS people you can teach your children sign language for free. There are free dictionaries everywhere. If they’re sans hands they’re kinda fucked though. Those are society’s rules, not mine.

  70. I know sign language, but it never occurred to me to teach my cat. Thank goodness I’ll now have a hobby to entertain myself with during the upcoming cold winter nights. Thanks, Misty!

  74. I thought you meant DON’T YELL AT MISTY because deaf people can’t hear when you yell. Can we sign angrily at her?

  76. If I had to write random bloggers and try to get them to peddle my stuff, I’d totally pick the most inappropriate post to reference, too. But then, I’d also be a pretty shitty saleswoman.

  77. You totally just got powned by Misty. in the end she got what she wanted and you felt bad. Damn she is good. Devil woman be gone.

  82. Too funny! Though baby sign language is a good tool for infants. My son is 16 months and not yet talking. Not because he can’t medically. He just doesn’t feel the need too. When he wants something he points,pounds the table (our version of more-which we though was very cute. Now not so much!)or drags us to where he wants to go. He’ll talk when he’s ready or so we have been told by the specialists.
    Maybe I should also point out I didn’t talk till I was 2!

  84. Man, I wish I got e-mails like that! But instead, I am limited to conversations with unsuspecting strangers.

    Thank you for making my night funnier.

  85. @linlah – Do you need a new cat? I’ve got a spotted bengal mix named Chupa (short for Chupacabra), that comes to her name. I’m having a hell of a time giving her away. Probably because she can’t sign.

  89. Misty just added some much needed laughter to my evening.

    (Also baby sign language, shall check out. Regressive child is regressive and sign language might work. So, um, maybe they should have emailed me? My cats are arseholes and won’t learn sign language, but I think there is hope for my ducklings.)

  90. Rock on. Teach that sign languagin’ bitch a lesson! I will be a dad within the next two days and I must say…. I hope I don’t have to use that site. Teaching children sign language sounds like a total pain in the ass (_l_).

    Btw, we have this cat named, “Private Personal Privates” (son of Lieutenant Buttcheeks) and I swear he could learn sign language. The little dude acts like he’s a cross between a human and a dog…… but, he’s a cat. Private Personal Privates sure is strange.

  91. Oh Jenny, this has been such an *awful* last month, I so needed a good laugh! Thanks for providing one, and I promise if I ever see her or visit her page I WILL NOT LAUGH AT MISTY. Because I already have, and got that out of my system.

    ~EdT.

  92. OMG, please don’t let anyone invent a program that teaches cats how to sign. Mine never shut up as it is. Pretending I have no idea what they want is the only thing I have going for me. Don’t take that away.

  93. wow, did she just out-you YOU, or did i miss something?
    my brain might be exploding from all the weird in here. which is great.
    now if only it would explode all over the project i’m doing for NaNoWriMo, i’d be set!

  95. She took it *remarkably* well that your child is in fact a cat with no paws or 12 toes or whatever (I get confused easily) I’d like to know what she’d do in a zombie apocalypse.

  97. Oh Jenny, you’ve been suckered good’n’proper. Misty isn’t some finger-counting stay-at-home-mom; she’s a link farm in Mumbai. Severalteen people clustered around the keyboard to type out all those exclamation marks (which is what I call exclamation points because I’m British, and no I’m not going to change because *you threw my cocking tea into the cocking harbour, bitches*)

    The kindest thing you could’ve done is write back spelling out “Should I send food and medical supplies?” with the first letter of each word. Instead you’ve spelled “slag” in your first four words alone, which seems pretty racist to me. Bad form, Jenny, bad form.

  98. I really want to yell at Misty. Please? Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to just yell at her in my den here. Cause you can’t stop that. I am itching to quote her email sarcastically. Damn you, Bloggess! Let me be horrible!

  100. Jenny – You’re getting soft. But her technique worked, you pimped her site.

    Thanks for the laugh

  101. Poor Misty, she reminds me of those hopelessly optimistic people who never say die and can always see the silver lining. You were kind to let her off the hook, you could have kept her dangling for another week. I want to go pat her on her head and give her a cup of tea.

  102. –>Misty should be in sales because if she can convince you to pimp her blog through email, just imagine what she does orally and with her hands. Ah hem.
    ~deb

  105. Does she also live in Turkey and leave comments on my blog? Because someone keeps telling me that they’re using information found on my blog in their research papers. Which unless their research paper is about how to fuck with squirrels or laugh at dumb people, I can’t imagine it being a good resource.

  107. Thank God you came clean. I could hear the wheels turning in her head, trying to figure out how to adapt to a handless-furry-four-legged child with 12 toes who refuses to talk to you. To keep it going would have been cruel and probably induced labor. Or a nose bleed at the very least.

  108. I may or may not have snorted coffee through my sinus passages. You have to love her dedication to her work. Now I have to go explain to my 2 cats that they cannot communicate with Little Danger by sign language after all…they will be disappointed.

  109. A) How do these people find you? Like, is there some list somewhere of all the websites that get a certain number of hits, and then do they just spam y’all? Totally confuzzled.

    B) When she entered the name of the post, did she not see the whole “and now we dig up our dead dogs” portion? I mean, to me, that might have been a red light, like, “hey… I don’t think dead dogs do sign language. That seems like a one sided conversation to me.” Or maybe it’s just people who dig up their dogs who do sign language with babies… either way, I don’t feel like that’s a club I want to join.

    C) I really want cake right now.

  110. Sorry, Bloggess, is is possible you are just having a hormonal day? I think you have gone soft on Misty. Maybe it is the name “Misty” – it evokes a very insubstantial person who needs lots of tolerance and support. As in “Awwwww, poor Misty!”

  111. Tsk tsk bloggess for getting in your shots before letting poor Misty off the hook. What if her twins wind up feline-phobic because of you? (Due to the well-documented transitive properties of the apple doesn’t fall far from the dopey tree) “Mommy! Mommy! I dreamt the handless cats were coming to get us!” Better hope the Man upstairs isn’t watching and jotting down “satiric bully” on your ledger. That could definately come back to haunt you. Especially if He has a soft spot for double-pregnant philanthropist caregivers (very likely).
    When it’s your time you just might get to the head of the line at the pearly gates only to be told “Sure you can come in. Just sign your request in handless-cat and we’ll give you your harp and wings, ‘kay funnygirl? Otherwise… I WILL SMOTE THEE!”
    BTW Whatever happened to smitings? They used to be so in vogue down here. Kinda miss ’em

  114. You are sick and twisted does not begin to describe it. I am telling on you and I mean it this time. I am on my way right now to go tell my mother

  115. I can’t believe she really wanted to do a post on baby sign language with feet. I would have let her type it up and send it to me, just so I could read it. For real.

  116. You are so nice to let her off the hook. I would have made a youtube video using your taxidermy collection, with someone standing behind them and sign interpreting their message to her.

  118. I want to live in Misty’s world and feel all cheeky and warm, I’m sure there is a rainbow in Misty’s house, right where she last fed her unicorn. And glitter floating in the air. Nothing wrong with that! I heart you Misty…

  120. Damn! I’m so glad you posted this today because last night while I was trying to put my baby to bed, all he would do was laugh at me while pointing at my face. He refuses to talk to me, so maybe I can use this baby sign language to figure out what the deal is with the laughing and pointing. Is he just an asshole or was there something in my nose?

  123. based on the cursing toddlers post, i think it’s best you didn’t allow her to do a guest blog post.

  124. I scrolled through the comments hoping Misty would have commented being like, “I TOTALLY PULLED ONE ON YOU, BITCH! HA! Naivete? I think not.” Is she a marketing genius?

  126. A true story: My aunt Ruth Ellen taught sign and lip reading way back in the 1930’s through the 1950’s. Ruth Ellen even worked with Hellen Keller. The curious thing was that she had a deformity of her left hand which disallowed the full extension of her little finger and ring finger. Subsequently, her graduating students shared a slight lisp when they signed.

  127. I’m from the South, and we say stuff like, “Bless your heart, Misty,” and REALLY mean it. I enjoyed her content so much that I kind of felt really guilty laughing so hard at her and not with her, and then I wondered if all the commenters here ought to pitch in to buy her an Applebees gift card, so she and her baby daddy can have one last hurrah before the twins arrive to further mess with her reality. ‘Cause Misty is so darned, well, special. Bless her heart, and yours, too, Jenny, for letting her in on the joke, ’cause otherwise she would have emailed you back forever – partly because I bet you’re the only one who ever actually replied to that Baby Sign Language hooey.

  129. I get terribly annoyed at the companies from BlogHer that still email me wanting me to pimp out their products for free AND they didn’t even invite me to their special event! I may be cheap but cheap isn’t free…at least put some glitter on your bullshit, then I’d at least be distracted.

  130. Bloggess, please tell me that’s you’re not going soft. The world would be a much more boring place without your snarky insights. Although I do understand giving a lady pregnant with twins a break.

  131. Some major-leaguer pain-in-the-asses in Oklahoma keep sending me a prayer rug printed on 11×17 paper that will make all my wildest dreams come true if I kneel on it. Told them I don’t need it, but asked them to pray for my buddy who got run over by a train and doesn’t have any knees. True story.

  132. I have to say that I always love you, but this post is pure laughs. But the best part is that you can totally screw with someone and give us a great laugh but not make it a personal attack on the PR person! Total props for coming up with shit but still being kind to a fellow mama.

  133. My favorite part of her initial email was that she would write you an exclusive article IN EXCHANGE for a link to her website. So basically, Misty 2 and Jenny 0.

    Now it’s Misty 0 and Jenny 428.

  134. *Sigh* I can honestly say that I have NEVER been that nice or sweet in my life. Even as a small child I am sure that I would have told you to stick your ill-formed cats paws up your woo-hoo. Cheers to Misty!

  135. “Because your naivete is motherfucking charming.”

    Imma gonna steal this line.

    At first I was wondering whether she has pulled a Sicilian on you: you are Vizzini who overthinks. But then wouldn’t I be Vizzini instead who over-overthink? Ouch. My head hurts. Inconceivable.

  136. Fuck, I thought I got the same message. But it was a serious request to do a guest post. Now I have to go make nice because I left it in an old email account.

    Thanks, Jenny, for making me look bad!

    xo Susie

    ps I’ve never fucked with a form email before but I might just start…

  137. How much you wanna make a bet Misty is really an old fashion kinda gal, full of southern charm and just polietly fuckin’ with you back! Sometimes I wonder just how many people kill with kindness in order to win you over and get what they want.

    Wow. That was really cynical of me. I apologize. :0o

    P.S. Some people DO type with their feet. It is plausible that some might sign with them too. Not too sure about the cats though. I would think their claws would get stuck between the keys. :0

  138. I’ll think about forgiving you for not letting her write a post about baby-foot sign language. It might take me some time, but you’re you and I’m me and we both know I won’t stay mad… but why go through all that tension and stuff? We don’t need the aggravation. Just let her write it and everyone’s happy.

  139. LMAO! This was possibly the best one yet!

    You’re awesome Fred! That’s your name, right? I swear I read your blog about your babies.

    Will you play Misty for me now?

  140. Dear god. I’m in class reading this and it was so goddamned hard not to bust out laughing while my teacher droned about Henry V. That would have been bad. Horrible war is not supposed to be funny. But a handless cat signing with its twelve back toes? So. Frickin. Hilarious.

  141. You are the perfect medicine for a depressed person. Or you might send them further over the edge, I’m not sure which. Thank you for the laugh. And for reminding me to mess with people more because it’s so much fun and I never do it.

  144. I followed the link to Misty’s website and found this gem: “Babies will often not fully understand the laws of thermodynamics and put hot foods in their mouth.”. Sheer brilliance.

  146. I did not heart Misty when she brought up THAT post. Of all your posts, she had to go and pick that one. But I went to her site. And if she had google ads on her site, I would have clicked on them too. Because if you heart Misty, then I will spread the love and heart her too.

  150. See, Jenny?This is why I like you. You have balls. You have balls AND a heart. Only women seem to have this ability to own and properly utilize both simultaneously. I am pinching YOUR internet cheeks and raising my glass of Gewurztraminer (I copied that from my bottle’s label) in your honor. Muwah.

  152. Jenny, you get my vote for the Best Person In the Entire Universe!!! (and not just because of this particular post. Although this one totally cemented it…)

  153. Misty is SERIOUSLY savvy-Jenny, I think you may have met your Misty match…
    PS:My cat Sweetie Pie wants to know where she can sign up for cat signing. She just wants another way to tell the dog to fuck off. Damn animals.

  155. I think Misty is missing an opportunity. She should do a Vlog demonstration called Signing for Cats. It’d go viral cuz cats lurves them some internet and technology. I mean, there’s that one of the cat playing with the printer. And there’s several popular vids of them playing with the beam of a flash light.

    Of course you need front paws for that…

  156. I absolutely love reading the exchanges between you and marketers – they crack me up and brighten my day. I am, however, happy you opted to come clean with Misty. Maybe she’ll learn from this and stop sending out those retarded form letters!

    Has she responded to your last email? I’d love to see what she said…

  159. That was fucking hilarious. I wished you lived near me because I think we could be friends. However, there’s no way in hell I’m moving to Texas so I guess that’s out. Great post!

  160. One of these days someone is going to send a poorly-written form letter to fuck with YOU. I think Misty is actually an evil genius.

  161. This is awesome and exactly the reason I read your blog. And I now have deep sympathy for Misty because (a) she’s preggers with twins, (b) wants to teach cats how to sign, and (c) has the name “Misty” which makes me think of my love of Misty of Chincoteague book series. Bless her little heart.

  162. BLESS HER HEART! That is the best ending EVER. As a PR person by day (though my clients aren’t nearly as cool as babies or cats who can do sign language) who is a proud kitty mother, this totally cracked me up and made my day. Thank you Bloggess, Thank you!

  164. seriously, you let me down, Missy totally deserved to be given more shit. I think she is probably putting this conversation on *her* blog taking the piss that you actually believed her!

  165. Now that is just priceless. Misty is either an evil genius or the best human being ever.

    I had neither the will nor the patience to try to teach our child or our cats sign language. Now they all show up in my face way too early on a Saturday morning prodding me and wanting breakfast or my warm spot on the bed. I am sure this is somehow related.

  167. This is hilarious for so many reasons! I actually laughed out loud. Part of the reason I laughed so much is because Misty contacted me too, and I let her do a post for me. But when she first contacted me, she got the date right and didn’t mention any of my dead animals, so that was a plus 😉

  169. The fact that Misty is so blissfully oblivious and yet endlessly polite almost made me sad, but then I remembered to be #FURIOUSLY HAPPY about it.

  171. This made me smile not only because of your general awesomeness but also because my cat’s name is Misty. However, my cat does in fact have all of her appendages. She just doesn’t know how to use them all of the time.

  174. I haven’t laughed so hard in awhile. And that post title is the best one I’ve ever heard. I don’t know which one is funnier, Misty or digging up a dead dog.

  175. Holy cow. I have an 11-week-old and a four-year-old and two jobs and am so tired today that I cannot even see straight, but that just sent me into a full-on, shrieking fit of laughter. Thank you, Bloggess.

  176. This is the best thing I’ve read all day. For reals. Except for the fact that she used the post where you had to dig up Barnaby Jones. That was awful. But then you said we couldn’t yell at Misty (you’re getting soft, dude), so I didn’t, except maybe I did a little, but in my living room (like some other folks did) and not on the internets where things actually matter and stuff.

    So, my friend’s grandma used to get sign language and braille mixed up ALL the time and she would always ask, when we would talk about signing, because my friend was interested in it, if it was “the hand thing” or “the dot thing.” And she couldn’t remember which of them was for blindness or deafness. Grandmas are weird.

  177. I guess Misty’s heart (or toes or hands) are in the right place. I think she’s trying to do too much with a child and twins on the way. Clearly she wouldn’t know sarcasm if it bit her on the ass…or if her cat signed it to her. Really?!?!

  180. The love that IM feeling is that the funny isn’t just confined to the post- the comments are also solid gold. How fabulous are you guys? (very, anyone?)

  183. Once again I’ve gotta give it up for the Bloggess. There’s a reason she’s the queen of the ‘sphere and it was on full display in this post. Everybody knows it’s not cool to screw with the slow kids for no reason (that’s called being a dick), but a little is okay if they ask for it (as was the case here) but Jenny not only let her off the hook quick enough but ‘pimped’ Misty’s site as promised, which was all poor befuddled little Misty wanted in the first place. Shows heart. Heaven probably has a decent place set aside for mischevious teasers who have a heart and relent. You won’t get a spot in Mother Theresa’s neighborhood (despite your tag) but you’ll probably have more fun with the other wiseguys anyway. -playing dirty songs on your harp, tie-dying your white robe and wings etc (Not with the Soprano’s type wiseguys, they won’t get in, I’m talking the Kathy Griffin type wiseguys -on the theory that if you make enough people smile it’s gotta count for something)

  184. I love your emails to marketers. Did she write back? Because pregnant with twins or not, she should at least feel bad that that one post she picked as her supposed favorite was the one about you burying your dog!

  189. 1) Love that Victor didn’t know the question you were going to ask.
    2) Love the question!!! (and quite frankly one not asked enough)
    3) Love Victors reaction to the question.
    4) Love that Neil G. answered the question and did it without missing a beat!

    and of course 5) LOVE the hat and the two photos of each of you wearing it! (wow I sure do love a lot this morning, one too many cups o’ coffee for me!)

    Oh and I’ll bet that translator thought she’d have an easy weekend…if she never hears elephant spunk again it’ll be too soon…

  190. okay so this comment was supposed to be for the Neil Gaiman, I know I was at the end of that post when I hit comment. Jenny, you have my permission to smack me (though would you really need my permission to do so? No. because you’re that awesome.) I do apologize.

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  195. This was really funny. Truly though, babies with no hands can do baby sign language with their feet or with their stumps. My multiply handicapped amputee brother still uses adapted signs with his stumps because speech is very difficult for him but obviously he is quite limited in his signing as well.

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