Sad panda

I can only hope that I was outbid by Victor, who is planning an elaborate taxidermy-squirrel-themed birthday party for me.

"IDEAL CHRISTMAS PRESENT" indeed.

124 thoughts on “Sad panda

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  1. Poor you. No seriously, I’m so sorry. That’s….that’s just tragic.

    Think of all the squirrels it could have kept out of your birdfeeders.

  2. I cry when I see that notification. Saddest notification ever, indeed.

    “Created by an experienced taxidermist”. As opposed to the kinds who aren’t experienced at all? Hm.

  3. Meh. The top hat is a little too precious. It’s best to hold out for a fez, anyway. Never compromise, litte Bloggess, never compromise!

  4. I swear Ebay only exists to break your heart.
    I have a beautiful hoof bottle with a shoulder strap I’d let you have for the right price. When you drink out of it
    it’s like a bovine salute.
    On second thought, I don’t know if I can part with it now.

  5. If I had the moneyz I’d totally buy this for myself, I’d put him in front of my window to ward off potential burglars (people scare easy in England.)

  6. Okay so I have some questions:
    1. It says “Wild Animal” – how wild *is* this squirrel?
    2. It’s in the “Collectables” category. Does that mean you can collect them all? Are they like Happy Meal toys? Is there a whole squirrel artillery squad? Is one of them wearing a fedora instead of a tophat?

    I NEED THESE QUESTIONS ANSWERED.

  7. Oh NOO! That thing is incredibly amazing and frightening. I would love to put that somewhere in your house! Not mine though. My 2 year old would be terrified. (Because I would yelp every time I saw it.)

  8. *sadness*

    On the other hand, you have a picture, and isn’t your dad a taxidermist? As far as squirrels go, I’m sure the State of Texas won’t miss one or two…

    ~EdT.

  9. Soooo…. I looked at this earlier when you posted it to twitter… and then got an email FULL of taxidermied gray squirrels. One was on a vespa, another playing a piano and, ummm, tophat and gun?

    http://cgi.ebay.com/Taxidermy-Wild-Grey-Squirrel-in-a-Tophat_W0QQitemZ280592901786QQcategoryZ67212QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZe17001.m263QQ_trkparmsZalgo%3DSIC%26its%3DI%26itu%3DUCI%252BIA%252BUA%252BIEW%252BFICS%252BUFI%26otn%3D6%26pmod%3D280592900610%26ps%3D63%26clkid%3D5167987439930541058

  10. This is so perfect for you! I hope whomever bought it realizes they could not possibly need or want it as much as you and sends it to you as an anonymous Christmas gift.

    Or we could hunt them down and steal it for you.

    Their call.

  11. Perhaps it will be a taxidermied gun themed party…the squirrel AND the tequila shotgun. Victor is AMAZING!

  12. I showed the picture to my 3-year-old, and she was all “um, cute?” At least she’s already learned to humor me.

  13. Seriously, why is the squirrel holding a gun? Did it shoot itself in the head, causing a horrific wound that’s being hidden by the top hat? Or was the squirrel valiantly defending itself against an overzealous taxidermist? I’d want to know the answers to these questions before bidding on it.

  14. I have a dead pet mouse I can send your way. My daughters named it Brown Eye, but you’re welcome to rename it. It’s not wearing a hat and it doesn’t own a gun, and it’s tongue is sticking out slightly, but it will do. Please send me a mailing address as soon as possible.

    Merry Christmas.

  15. The really scary part is now you’ve created a NEED, a DEMAND for stuffed squirrels in top hats holding guns.

    One might wonder how far away “pregnant bride squirrel and her entire dysfunctional wedding party made of two stoats, one pidgeon, and some meal worms” can be.

  16. I am now on my way out side armed with a 9mm Sig Sauer to try and find a suitable replacement.Don’t try to stop me as the holidays are upon us an I am drinking in accordance. Time is of the essence as my family arrives arround 4pm tomorrow and I would like the squirrell blood gone by then.

    XOXO
    AVB

  17. I don’t get it. Everywhere I look on e bay they spell it “collectible” and I can’t find that category. You’re ebay is weird (and possessed, possibly).

  18. Awwwww. Don’t be sad. There’s BOUND to be a stuffed reindeer dressed like Mrs. Claus come up next month. You’ll probably have to buy a gun for it yourself though.

  19. It has clearly been a down couple of days for you. So, I hesitate to tell you this, but, I don’t think Victor is coming through on this one.
    I know. It blows.
    But, look, he hasn’t been on your side of late. He didn’t get you a tequila gun, he didn’t tell you if you were in Mexico or not, and he dismissed your trivia skills.

  20. Holy cow that sparks some ideas. You could do some crazy shit with taxidermy. You could make this big, elaborate, imaginative room with waterfalls and flowers that would include many taxidermified animals such as this squirrel with the gun, a turtle with nunchuks (sound familiar?,) a raccoon taking a shit, a chilhuahua sniffing the squirrel’s ass, a salamandar sniffing the turtle’s ass, an anteater eating ants off of the raccoon’s turds, a duckbilled platypus sitting on a small chair jerkin his gerkin with a badger sitting into the chair next to him holding the platypus’s hand and drinking a miniature bottle of Dad’s Old Fashioned Root Beer with the other hand, a frog doing rope climbs that an orangutan wearing an Indian headdress, sitting Indian style in front of a campfire is holding, a horse just standing there being a horse and much, much more. There is no end to the possibilities when it comes to taxidermy.

  21. It just hit me. I should have clarified that the orangutan is holding the rope that the frog is climbing while he wears his headdress by the camp fire. He isn’t holding the frog itself. I inadvertently slaughtered some of that. I wonder how much a taxidermified orangutan would cost. I’m guessing a lot.

  22. Oh my shit dude. Why are you even sad? Have you seen what else they have?! “Wild gray squirrel playing a piano” “Wild gray squirrel on a VESPA SCOOTER” “Wild gray squirrel on a log”…. ok the log one is lame. Lots of squirrels are on logs. But the other ones? AWESOME. Get to bidding..before I do.

  23. huh. “created by an experienced taxidermist” i don’t think i like the possible options here.

    also, i don’t think it’s a top hat. i’m sorry, but i’m sure that is a jaunty pilgrim’s hat. it is pilgrim squirrel. did that make the pain easier to bear? probably not. that’d be the most kick-ass thanksgiving centerpiece EVER.

    i’m not helping, am i? sorry.

  24. So, given the small number of squirrels in Australia, trawling ebay.com.au for a jaunty squirrel with a banjo and one of those hats with corks around the brim, returned no hits. Looking further afield, I found this guy who I thought was the squirrel reincarnation of Che Guevara: http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Squirrel-Mount-Gray-Squirrel-Taxidermy-Hunting-Cabin-/170568573857?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item27b6ade3a1

    According to the description, he has a realistic GI Joe gun, a fetching felt beret and “his facial expression says it all, this is one tough looking creation”. I’m truly quivering. Truly.

  25. I once had a neighbor with a shitload of taxidermied squirrels displayed in his living room. None of them wore clothes. Your squirrel is better. That is, the squirrel you almost had but now do not have.

  26. –>I have nightmares with squirrels in them and they hiss at me in real life. The only good thing about that item is that the squirrel is DEAD. (Squirrels freak me out!)
    ~deb

  27. I have two words for you: Auction Sniper. It’s the only way. I sniped my current car on eBay a few years back, even! Getting out-bid at the last second when you think you’ve won something SUCKS so bad that I’ve been forced into becoming one of those evil last-second bidders. If you can’t beat ’em…

  28. Is it wrong to love your post comments as much as your posts? Seriously, your readers are like the Ayn Rand creative minds collective.

  29. What I mean is – Can we all go live in a valley together? A douche-canoeless valley? All we need is a humor powered generator with “I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never lose my sense of humor, nor ask another man the question You Think That’s Funny?.” inscribed on the door.

  30. Why don’t you show us the stuffed squirrel you already have at home? You know, the one with the vibrator and nipple clamps. You know you have one, don’t lie.

    Poor little guy never had a chance, did he? If only somebody had given him a few tips on life, he might not have wound up like this. Speakin’ of tips…

  31. My niece in the bay area works at a museum where they have stuffed mice in all sorts of bizarre poses doing atypical things. I know it’s no squirrel wearing a top hat while holding a gun, but would one of them make an acceptable substitute? If you’re interested, just shoot me a quick email and I’ll get a list of all the different ones that they have in stock.

  32. I want that squirrel. It would make an awesome centerpiece on my dining room table, which remains un-center-pieced, since my jar-full-of-doll-heads idea was vetoed. I really need to start stop trolling the web for frightening Twilight memorabilia because if I had seen this earlier, i would have outbid everyone. I’m sad for you Bloggess, but sadder for me.

  33. Holy shit!! I had no idea you could buy taxidermied animals on ebay. I’m totally checking out a skunk so I can put it in my yard and scare the shit out of my husband since we have real skunks in our yard all the time. yes!!

    P.S. Who knew there were so many shitty taxidermists. I mean seriously. I could stuff a coon better than some of the ones I see on there.

    P.P.S. Who the fuck would want a possum? I can send you a live one if you wanted one that bad. I’ve got plenty around here.

    P.P.S.S. That doesn’t mean I’m a hillbilly. I just live around them. I’m classy. I don’t kill animals. I just hold the flashlight so my husband can do it. Like I said, classy.

  34. Jenny, here’s an idea: go out and shoot a squirrel (be sure to use a small caliber rifle, so you don’t obliterate it!), then buy the Tequila Rifle, then have your dad do his taxidermy thing on the squirrel, and put the Tequila Gun in its little tiny paws.

    ~EdT.

  35. I almost want to start buying up these kinds of things and sending them to you, but my hubby says that makes me a stalker, but I assure him it doesn’t since I live way the other side of the country and it would just make a faithful fan trying to make you happy. Then he gave me my little blue happy pills and then I gotz..all..sorts. of….a..ll………………….

  36. If you think that’s sad, you should try using DoodleBuddy on iPhone. You can “invite a buddy to doodle” or “draw alone”. Way to make me feel lonely DoodleBuddy.

  37. If Sean ever starts shooting squirrels in our neighborhood, I’m getting one of those and putting it up in the tree. I’ll change the top hat with a white bandanna and put a filterless Camel in his teeth. The top hat just isn’t bad-ass enough.

  38. 1. I am truly sorry for your loss. That would have made a fine addition to any collection of dead things.
    2. I find it odd that in the product description they mention the hat, but not the gun. It seems to me that the gun is more relevant to the nature of the piece.
    3. Who the f**k is going around arming squirrels?!?! Does this seem like a good idea to anyone? They’re already hard enough to keep out of a garden, but when they can shoot back, a line is crossed! Is the arms race this desperate that we’re provisioning our rodents? The rabbits will have to procure mini-bazookas just to keep up.
    4. The alternative is even more terrifying. These squirrels have discovered the secrets of constructing their own firearms. No thumbs, tiny claws, and they still managed it. What might they accomplish in the future? I will not bow down before these potential rodential conquerors.

  39. That is the awesomest thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I wish I still have my stuffed armadillo, Roger.
    He had a little Pilgrim hat that I made him for Thanksgiving.

  40. One time I bid one some guy’s soul that he was selling on ebay….because it was hilarious and I would get a certificate. I bid 5 dollars. It got up to over $25,000. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

    Whitney

  41. I bought you one! The only problem is I was in Bangledesh at the time.
    The good news is I used one of my Dutch invaded orifices to conceal it.
    The bad news is, you should receive it in a day or two and…Bangledeshians have weird dyesntery therapy at the airport.

  42. My husband would kill for that squirrel, he loves them. Hmmm….he does like to go to Miami, has a wicked set of knives in the garage, and always mentions some dark passenger.

  43. I have to admit that squirrel is the bees knees. And I would have been sad to lose out on such a prize. However, that little Boston Terrier up above him would cheer me up. So cute!

  44. mr. taxidermy looks like he is holding a mini version of the tequila gun, don’t you think? this would have been 2 gifts in one. i wouldn’t count on Victor coming through on this one…….sorry.

    last post:” because I can’t speak” hibernationnow.wordpress.com
    (I wrote to wordpress to ask them to fix this…again)

  45. Oh… 🙁 Sad squirrel is so much worse than sad panda.

    Dude, you did not know about Auction Snipers??!! Guaranteed to never be outbid again (OR never overpay for something because you get into a bidding war with someone at the last minute!)

  46. Now I’m not into taxidermy but that squirrel… I could have so totally worked him into my home decor!
    The biggest problem would have been finding a way to keep the dog from eating it!

  47. Squirrel for the ethical treatment of humans, aka “an eye for an eye”.
    Truly, we are hillbillies and Cherokee half- breeds in these hills, and squirrel routinely is fried up and eaten with biscuits and gravy, a redneck dish this little fellow obviously detests. On the other hand, he may be a TV fan hunting for a new car, hoping to stun the owner with his sartorial elegance instead of the more Southern technique of deer spotlighting.
    The fellow at the bait shop at the 27-70 junction in East Tennessee needs to teach this squirrel a thing or two. His taxidermied raccoon has peacefully adapted to smoking a cigar and drinking Bud. If he ever ends up on eBay, I may go snipe-hunting for high bids.

  48. True story- my friend got a bride & groom squirrel accurately dressed in her & her husband’s EXACT wedding apparel for their wedding gift. His aunt specialized in dressing taxidermied squirrels. I could totally get you a deal on a taxidermied Blogess squirrel, complete with wig and kimono? let me know!

  49. I got outbid on the Super Squirrel. Seriously, $140+ for a dead squirrel? My last girlfriend wasn’t even that expensive!

  50. I’ve informed my boyfriend via the magic of Face Book that I want a squirrel army. In return I got a photoshopped picture of a child crying with the caption “NO YOU CANT HAVE A DEAD SQUIRREL ARMY” Along with a small insert picture of a stuffed squirrel riding a scooter with “NOT YOURS” across it.

    Damn him and his sweet photoshopping skills. Im getting a stuffed squirrel one way or another…. *sets squirrel traps*

  51. Very poor Squirrel, that stuff is perfect for my table here in office and he is cute actually. Come here, squirrel I will love you here! (nyakks! LOL). Glad to know that he is Ebay now, love to buy this one soon.

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