Does Boone’s Fine Apple Wine count as produce? I say yes.

So this weekend I was in the liquor store buying produce and I noticed that on the top of the tequila isle there were these giant bottles of tequila shaped exactly like life-sized rifles.

Well, hello there.

And I was all “OMG, I MUST HAVE ONE” and Victor was like “Um…no.  I’m not buying you a rifle full of tequila” and I was all “But it’s BAD-ASS.  And the rim of the bottle is the end of the gun barrel so when I drink it straight from the bottle it’ll look like I’m putting a rifle in my mouth.  It’s awesome for parties” and Victor was all “Okay, first of all?  No. And secondly, you don’t even drink straight tequila” and I was like “Well, I wouldn’t actually drink it.  I’d just walk around with it.  I’d be like a symbolic art installation showing the dangers of putting booze in guns” and he was like “You want to buy a rifle-full of tequila that you’re not even going to use?” and then I was all “Well, now you’re just making me sound wasteful” and then the clerk came over and he was all “Honestly, no one ever actually buys the tequila rifles.  They’re $150″ and I was like “YOU CAN JUST STAY OUT OF THIS, SIR” and then Victor was all “The fuck? We’re not paying $150 so you can not put a gun full of tequila in your mouth” and then I was all “Well, if you pay cash it’s only $125.  So it’s like we’re saving money here”.  And then Victor said that we probably shouldn’t even be shopping in the kind of liquor store that gives you a discount for paying cash and then I may have blamed him for the recession and then he was all “And this is why I don’t take you to liquor stores” and I was all “Don’t get all pissy with me just because you don’t understand how performance art works” and then I was like  “You know what?  Fine. Just pay for the produce” and the clerk just looked at me weird and Victor was all “It’s best to just to agree with her” and the guy nodded and I was all “DON’T HUMOR ME.  Apple wine is made of apples.  And tequila is made from cactus.  So technically tequila is a vegetable.  If you mix them together it’s like a grown-up V-8.  THIS IS ALL BASIC SCIENCE” and they both just stared at me and no one bought me a tequila gun.

The whole day was like a goddam tragedy.

163 thoughts on “Does Boone’s Fine Apple Wine count as produce? I say yes.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Maybe you should shoot a bottle of apple wine off of Victor’s head with your (soon-to-be-purchased) tequila gun. If you miss.. he just gets a tequila shot. Brilliant.

  2. Well, my view is that alcohol kills germs, and so is medicine and should be covered in your flexible spending account plan. My booze should be purchased with tax free dollars. But, I’ll go with the vegetable idea too.

  3. We have one. Its empty now. We let our godson play with it. Its pretty bad assed. You need to go back and buy it… Like now

  4. I love Spec’s!!! But even more than that, I LOVE that I can now explain to the hubby that it is a V-8 I am indulging in at 9am…No drinking problems here, thankyouverymuch.

  5. I think Victor is just trying to play it off so that you’ll be surprised when you finally get it as a stocking stuffer! He thinks he’s SO sneaky . . . 😉

  6. I love that the tequila gun has its own tequila gun rack. I don’t drink straight tequila either, but you could get a gun-powder barrel filled with margarita mix and have yourself a party.

  7. We totally own a glass like that. But ours was $10 from FYE and didn’t come with the booze in it, and we bought it because my Sweetie was like “We have to have that, it’s so obscene”, and I was like “it’s a beer mug shaped like a rifle” and she was like “Duh.” And when we brought it to the register, the cashier had to take it and show it to every other employee she could find because apparently she didn’t even know they sold them, and then the cashier next to her was like “it’s better than the pin-up model doll whose ass is a bottle opener”

    And the conversation was over.

  8. Maybe you wouldn’t drink the tequila BUT you could use the tequila rifle to hold up other liquor stores for both booze and money. See, it’s totally worth $125, you could make it back in a day. And if you got into a gun fight with the cops you just drink yours and feel no pain!

  9. Oh, hell yes. I NEED (as in, it’s a requirement, not a desire) a tequila gun too.

    And, yeah….totally counts as a vegetable. Don’t forget it counts as water too. Eight big-ass glasses a day? No prob!

  10. I know, I know, it’s not the same, but it might be hilarious to do just to see the look on your husband’s face…you can buy a squirt gun and fill it with the drink of choice, cosmo, martini, hell even straight tequila. Sure, there’s a wee bit o’ plastic aftertaste, but it only adds to the overall experience. Add that to the fact that everything’s on sale – I mean we’re practically idiots if we’re not out there shopping – so I’m sure you can get a pretty impressive water, er, um, liquor gun for just a few dollars. If the gun doesn’t impress him, the savings will!

    How dare they let a little common sense get in the way of art. Hum!

  11. Well, 1st off victor is wrong! A gun filled with liquor is what everyone needs! And 2nd they make smaller hand guns filled with liquor and there cheaper. ( i know this because i bought two of them and looked like a total badass drinking from guns of liquor) and everyone knows they sell liquor cheaper for cash cause they can and who doesnt like a deal!

  12. Thank god there are people like you to read on yucky Monday mornings! What’s $150 for performance art? I think Victor is failing to see the bigger picture and how much money he is saving. When was the last time you got anything close to “art” for that cheap?

    Oh, and you liquor store gives a discount for cash? Seriously?!?

  13. No one buys it? Do you have any college kids in your town?

    That has awful, drunken frat party where someone tries to ride someone else like a horse, written all over it.

  14. If you don’t drink tequila, you should get the Kalashnikov vodka in the machine gun shaped vodka bottle. They have them at our local imported-food store, and I’m not allowed to have one, due to drunken clumsiness. But if I said I was buying one for a friend, maybe I could convince the significant other that you really needed a matched set, and then I could accidentally only send you one, and we could be vodka-gun buddies! Here’s a link to their web site:

  15. I can pair this gun with the tequila cockbottles I found.

    Three great tastes that taste great together. Tequila, rifles and cocks.

    What the fuck tequila?

  16. I am not sure about the tequila in a rifle shaped bottle. I watch the Michael Moore Bowling for Columbine movie over the weekend, and it was disturbing, so I am with Victor on this. No. No. No.

  17. I was in the wine section of the grocery store yesterday and came across the most delicious-looking BLUEBERRY wine. Decadent, I tell you. And most definitely qualifies as produce (in the same way as Chocolate does, you know)

  18. I think sometimes husbands don’t fully understand an opportunity to own such a treasure! Sometimes in life we have to be less practical! Imagine how boring life would be if we only stuck with the basics… I empathize…

  19. Fun fact!

    Tequila isn’t made from cactus, it’s made from a plant called the Blue Agave.
    The Blue Agave, while a succulent like cacti, is actually a closer relative of Aloe Vera than any cactus.

    Well, I think it’s a fun fact. Weeeeee! Science!

  20. my family is from alabama. I have seen liquids loaded into actual firearms. I was both pissed off and excited when I saw them try it on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

    tequila rifle = bless it

  21. Please tell me you’ve seen the Kitten Mittons episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia where they try and invent a gun that shoots a shot of liquor into your mouth? If not, go find it!

  22. damn pennsylvania and its liquor laws are preventing me from having my own tequila shotgun. it is going to cost me a lot more than $150 to secure one of these bad boys…

  23. @kaela – Fucking brilliant.

    @Bloggess – Maybe he didn’t get you one, because Santa’s going to leave one under your tree. ‘Tis the season not to buy anything for yourself. ‘Tis the most frustrating season of the year.

  24. I want you to have that Tequila gun. Since no one ever buys the Tequila Guns, we can assume it is still there waiting for you, just like that cute teddybear in the book “Corduroy” waiting for the little girl to whine long enough so that her mother breaks down and says, “ok, I’ll buy you the damn bear just shut the hell up”. er….or something like that. Anyway. So the gun is still there, you just need a different plan for it than performance art, which Victor obviously does not understand. You need a plan that is useful, sustainable and makes Victor feel good about the purchase. For instance, you could make a tequila fountain in your front yard with just a simple motor and and some pvc piping. On non-party days you have a beautiful fountain adding to your property value and on party days, you’ve got the beverage dept. covered. How could Victor possibly argue with that. Does the NRA headquarters have a tequila rifle fountain out front? NO. Does Victor? Damn straight.

  25. The things liquor stores sell always amaze me. Tequila gun? Alcoholic chocolate whip cream that the liquor store ladies tried to give us as a wedding present? AMAZING.

    Also, you forgot vodka…it’s made from potatoes. Unless you’re Diddy and you make it from grapes, so I guess it’s more like vodka-flavored wine? Celebrities.

  26. I don’t know shit about what is worth a shit ton of money in the future, but a tequila-filled rifle seems to me like the type of item that would be worth a shit ton of money in the future if kept in mint condition (which may be difficult to do.) I think it would have been a good investment, but then again, I don’t know shit.

  27. Thank you for helping me with my Christmas list. So, it only has one thing on it, but that’s okay. I want it Real Bad.

    With my luck, I won’t get a shotgun, or tequila, and Christmas will be ruined. Like always.

  28. ALL alcoholic beverages are made from some kind of fruit and/or vegetable. And the process of turning that produce into alcoholic beverages is a NATURAL process. So, it’s all got to be good for you! Fruits, veggies, natural – what’s not to like?

    Alcoholic beverages and firearms? Usually not a very good combo but alcoholic beverages IN firearms? Awesome! Victor’s probably just jealous that he didn’t think of it first.

    You ever wonder who the first human was to actually try to make beer? Why? (“Hey! Let’s mix this old grain up with some fungus and some funky green shit and let it go bad! Wouldn’t that be cool?”) And then drink it? Probably the same guy who was the first one to eat an egg.

  29. I’m afriad I’d break the glass while wielding it around. Something with wheels, like a CANNON, would be more my pace.

  30. One of our friends gave my husband a tequila pistol for Christmas last year. Clearly, we chose our friends well.

  31. Man. You could have been like Tequila Annie Oakley and shot a bottle of Apple wine off of someone’s head. Mixed reference, though. I think that was William Tell and it was a bow and arrow or something. But, there is Daniel Boone (who I totally did not know made apple wine) and he’s kind of like Johnny Appleseed because they both wore weird hats (and loved apples) and one of them had some dealings with Native Americans (or was that Davey Crockett?) who used bows and arrows. So, really it’s all relative.

  32. I swear I did not read Kaela’s comment. Pfffft. Oh well. We must be brilliant. Or I’m psychic. And, I almost never not read the first comment.

  33. They have smaller versions in my liquor stores. I will gladly buy some and send it to you. BUT! you have to invite me to all your parties so I can see all your performance art with the “loaded” gun. Oh please please!

    I promise I am neither psychotic or a murderous zombie or any kind.

  34. My sister owns a beer guitar. She got it in Las Vegas. We only use it on special occasions. She is quite a lady.

  35. Got myself a Rum Filled Pistol. I thought they were cool, but now that I know that rum is made from natural sugar cane and not high fructose syrup and thus is actually a part of a healthy diet I am totally getting another for the matching set.

  36. I tried to suppress it, but I def just COL-d (cackled out loud). It did sound a bit strangled though, on account of trying to hold it in. I feel like a tequila riffle would really usher in the 2011 with a bang (pun fully intended).

  37. Do you actually read all these comments? or is this writing to myself? So, here’s what i wanted to say. I loved how you justified the math on that gun. You needed it and i felt you had a compelling argument right down to the monetary savings. The other day the clicker on my car stopped working. I told my husband i needed a new car. It turned out the clicker was unhooked so i smashed it and fixed it. Now the clicker works. I just told my husband i saved us $50,000 and i should get whatever i wanted since we no longer needed a new car. Same situation as your tequila rationale. I know i’m rambling…it’s what i do. I have to say…you’re one of the few people i actually think are funny out there. WOuld it be TOO MUCH TO ASK for you to OCCASIONALLY RETWEET my shit? Just asking. Bye, Lynn MacDOnald

  38. Dude, if you had a donations button on your website I would totally send you the money for this essential purchase. It’s not often that I would get the chance to help both the arts and the economy in one swift transaction. Victor is not seeing the big picture. My sympathies go out to you.

  39. I don’t drink Tequila either but I would buy the shit out of that bottle-gun. Last time I was in Vegas I paid $50 for a plastic toy guitar that was filled with 100 oz. of Rum and Coke. That Tequila Gun? 1000x times cooler. Purchasing it will make the owner cooler. People visit your blog because you’re cool. So, if you do the math you probably actually LOST money by not buying it. For shame, Victor.

  40. We need to start a fundraising movement: Buy her the gun!!!! It is for art. For the children. Think of the children!

    If everybody that leaves comments on your blog just give you a dollar, I bet you can get enough to buy that gun full of vegetables before Department of Health calls to command your tireless efforts in educating people about food groups and balanced diets.

    I will PayPay you a dollar right now!

  41. So, a friend sent me a link to your blog, and then I read this post, and I thought, “Holy shit, this is the kind of stuff I think about but forget before I ever have time to sit down and write about because I have a toddler and she made my brains fall out.”

    What was I saying?

    Oh yes. This is awesome. Now I no longer I have to worry about saying anything hilarious, I’ll just direct people here and say it’s basically the same thing as talking to me.

  42. Does that mean that Bloody Mary’s count as veggies? Because if this is true, I am so totally going there…


  43. You are officially my favorite blogger ever. I’ve never been able to successfully make that argument despite my many efforts.

    Apple wine is absolutely considered produce. Duh.

  44. I love your logic to Tequila and Apple wine being produce, now I can safely drink it any time of day whilst ignoring my actual veggies because as you pointed out….Apple wine is made with apples and Tequila comes from a cactus so I’m ingesting (is that the right word?) my veggies all day long, not alcohol. ….Wait…there’s an apple wine out there?!

  45. Weaponising alcohol might leed to an armes race between several countries. This could be fun.

  46. Sitting here, alone, thinking “WHO CAN I SHOW THIS TO?!?” and realizing I have no one to tell, no tequila, no gun. Just me and a stuffed squirrel and three flavors of Jelly Bellies I don’t like. Fuck.

  47. this Berkeley-dwelling pro-gun-control bleeding heart liberal now wants a tequila rifle so badly it hurts.

  48. If you drink enough alchohol, everything in your GI tract will evacuate itself. If you eat enough fruit, everything in your GI tract will evacuate itself. Coincidence? I think not!

  49. Certainly puts a whole new spin on “doing shots”.
    You could be like, “Hey, wanna do shots?” and then your friend would be like, “yeah”, and then you pull out a tequila rifle.
    Now that’s a party.

  50. You are precious.
    And seriously, I’m going to start looking all over for a liquor gun for my husband for Christmas.

  51. Ahhhhh, Texas! Up here we have Tequila contained the way God intended-in five gallon jugs with multiple spigots.

  52. Tequila guns and Pez with Jesus’s head on! – this is the kind of shit that makes America great! Sadly I’m British, which is pants, we only think we are great, when actually pretty much everything is bollocks and it rains a lot of the time.

  53. What the hell, tequila gun is always necessary. Think about it, would you mess with someone with a tequila gun in their house? No, because the owners are clearly bad-asses. Tell Victor it’s a security measurement.

  54. My dad got a glass pistol full of tequila for Christmas last year. Which is not as bad ass, but it probably costs less, and it’s smaller size makes it easier to carry, for tequila shots on the go. Or whatever.

  55. I was at a party this weekend where they had a tequila rifle! People were doing shots, but not me, I don’t do tequila shots anymore and DEFINTELY not ones from a rifle! Suffice to say, I left before the rest of the rifle-shooters went to a titty bar and started fighting till 4am. Point for me! I’m in Houston, too, btw 😛

  56. I bought you one!! The only problem is that I was in Amsterdam at the time. See, it got a little awkward going through customs. I wrapped it for you and it looked exactly like a rifle. So, after they let me up off the ground and strip search was complete the interrogation began. By the way, if you’ve never had a strip search in Amsterdam with polka music playing over the PA system….don’t. I had no idea how many searchable cavities I had and would probably never hide anything in any of them. Mostly. Probably.
    And, I noticed that apparently the Dutch really enjoy a strip search and they have creepy Nosferatu fingers. And some point it became less about the alleged rifle and more about creepy Dutch strip searches with polka music. Which validated everything I learned about creepy Dutch things on the internet. ‘Cause I like to get all my info off the internet from unreliable sources.

    Anyway, they asked me what was in the bottle and I told them but they didn’t believe me so they opened it and started “testing” it and asking me all kinds of terrorist questions. Before it was all over we were all dancing to polka music and my butt hurt. However; I did get them to understand that terrorists are terrorists because they don’t have air conditioning. Faced with sitting outside in 125 degree heat and living in squalor or strapping a bomb to your ass and going in an air conditioned hotel lobby, well…the bomb scenario starts to look pretty good.

    So, the good news is I talked the Dutch into supplying air conditioning to the entire Middle East, which will only lead to world peace (you’re welcome), AND I bought you a tequila rifle!
    The bad news is, the rifle is empty and my orifices have been Dutched.
    But for a good cause. Mostly. Probably.

  57. Please, please tell me you were at the Midtown Spec’s so I can go there IMMEDIATELY and buy one of these babies for the best Thanksgiving centerpiece ever.

  58. Oh Bloggess, how I love you. You know how to spell “y’all” properly. I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.

  59. I always eyeball the tequila machetes at Costco…never mind I don’t drink that much tequila and it probably tastes awful BUT I WANT IT!!

  60. damn inconsiderate non tequila gun purchasing people are why the economy tanked and I lost my job. And then since I lost my job I can’t afford to buy a tequila gun but mark my word one day I shall.

    perhaps after my first successful play production I’ll buy a tequila gun instead of the platinum grill for my mouf.
    damn decisions decisions….

  61. Why the hell wouldn’t you want a gun full of tequila? If anything, the store owner should have throw in a sombrero and pack mule to carry that shit home for you because what the hell is HE going to do with a gun full of tequila that will continue to sit there because husbands just DON’T. GET. IT.

  62. Now you know that damn tequila gun will be in your thoughts day & night until the next thing you know your sitting on santa’s lap wishing for it……….

  63. That seems like something my Daddy and Step mom would buy to use as decor in their living room. Hell they have an unopened bottle of gold patron.

  64. My first real visit. I bow to you pathetically. I would give my left tit to be able to write like you. Fuck…now I feel all bad about myself…

  65. I TOTALLY have a glass mahine gun(ish…not sure what the EXACT type of gun it is!) filled with Russian vodka! It even has shot glosses shaped like shell casings and a glass grenade filled with whiskey! All packaged neatly in a wooden ammo box! HELLS YEAH! It was a going away present when we left Germany. I don’t have the heart to open it so it sits there in it’s box gathering dust. We break it out at parties and every one is all ” AWESOME!!!! GLASS GUN FULL OF VODKA! LET’S OPEN IT UP AND IT WILL LOOK LIKE WE ARE GETTING READY TO SHOOT OURSELVES IN THE FACE! ” and I’m all” Ummm…NO! STAY AWAY FROM MY GLASS GUN!” So I am TOTALLY on your side with this. Get the glass rifle.

  66. Tequila is a vegetable…for grown-ups. I am so using that line.

    Victor, I’m sorry, but your argument does not hold water. Just buy Jenny the damn gun, will ya? She can’t shoot anybody with it. I mean what damage could she possibly do with it? It’s just tequila, for God’s sakes!

    Maybe we should take up a collection to buy you the gun? I mean it’s obvious that Victor isn’t going to get it for you and does not see the merit in a live performance art piece for educational purposes. GEEZ!

    By the way, I prefer Patron Silver tequila. And if I found a gun filled with it, you better believe I would find a way to buy that shit. It would be the classiest redneck Christmas gift EVER.

    And if Patron ever reads this, please sponsor my blog. I’m serious. I love you guys. I mean I love your tequila. 😀

  67. I was totally throwing myself a pity party this morning because I loathe sending my daughter up to NC to visit my ex husband for holidays & I couldn’t get off work to take her to the airport. I’ve been anxious & sick to my stomach all morning & this just cracked me up!! Made me feel a tiny bit better. Thnaks!! :0) Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

  68. This sounds like a conversation my husband and I would have. He wouldn’t buy me a tequila rifle either. Damn men and their refusal to understand performance art. 🙂

  69. presuming the tequila gun is not functional, I think a better, more economical outcome, would be achieved with a conventional tequila bottle and a super soaker. Could be good for an ‘E! Wild On’ style party or just really post modern at a six course formal dinner party. Win Win!!

  70. I think that Victor is totally going to go back & buy that Bad Boy for Christmas for you! He knows of you Autstic, I mean Artistic tendencies & wants to give you what you want! Or he doesn’t, in which case you can put his hand in a warm dish of water while he’s sleeping & he will pee the bed. Either way it works…

  71. it would be a waste to have a tequila gun you don’t drink tequila out of. but i loved this post! it definitely didn’t fall into something you shouldnt have blogged about label it was given.

  72. Never mind. I just think you should get some hollow chocolate Santas and bite /make holes in them, then fill them with alcohol and serve them as dessert at a no guns allowed party…

    I don’t know where that came from.

  73. So I just searched for tequila gun in google. Congratulations! You’re link came up second.

  74. I read this over and over again because it seems like maybe a little, you might be writing about my marriage (you really should stop peering in my windows and listening to our conversations)

  75. oh dear GOD I want one of those!! I wonder if they make M16 or M9s of those… I’m in the desert with no freaking alcohol— But MAYBE I can convince them that it’s a real weapon and that I’m ALLOWED to carry it around… or perhaps use the whole produce line. .. and say it’s for my health.

    YOU are a freaking GENIUS. I only wish i could be HALF as cool as you.

  76. Umm can we talk for just a goddamned minute about the bullet shaped bottles beside it?!?!

  77. Apple wine is my one of the best wine and if the wine import into the Dutch country that is awesome.I purchase a wine bottle in 100$. I should come to this city taste wine.

  78. I thought they were cool, but now that I know that rum is made from natural sugar cane and not high fructose syrup and thus is actually a part of a healthy diet I am totally getting another for the matching set.
    glass liquor decanters

  79. Thanks for the fantastic post, very informative I wonder why other experts in this area have not seen this. You must continue your writing. I believe, you already have the basis of a great reader! Thanks for sharing. I waiting for your next post. I should write more comments on this wonderful topic. But I am busy with the preparation of my H12-321 dumps.

  80. Apple wine also use many people all over the world.I should write more comments on this wonderful topic. But I am busy with the preparation of my dumps.

  81. hello I read this over and over again because it seems like maybe a little, you might be writing about my marriage (you really should stop peering in my windows and listening to our conversations)


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