I’m both early and late. So I think that means I’m vaguely on time.

I’m like two weeks late on posting my weekly wrap-up but I’m posting this week’s wrap-up several days early so technically I think that makes me right on time.  Yay me.

The this-is-what-I-would-look-like-if-I-was-in-the-Wall-Street-Journal Edition.

What you missed on Ill-advised:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (which I still need to name):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by that hot chick who wrote Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir about going from wishing your husband was dead to falling back in love with him again. Or poisoning him. I haven’t actually read it yet. Either way though it sounds like a good read.

65 thoughts on “I’m both early and late. So I think that means I’m vaguely on time.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I read the Kenny Loggins Christmas post last week and I’m still laughing. You and Allie are the funniest people on the internet.

  2. I love Hyperbole and a Half! My mother and I were cracking up over that Kenny Loggins’ post. Great shout out.

    It is terrific that your good deed got so much accolades even though I know that is not why you were doing it. Reading those comments and all of the people that participated was moving.

    Now let’s drink wine and canonize James Garfield. Is canonize right? It’s been a long time since I have been Catholic.

  3. One day my blog will finally show up after years of trying to get your attention on ‘shit I wish I’d come up with’ and then my life will be complete instead of devoid of meaning and anything worthwhile.

    Just. Like. This. Comment.

  4. You are correct. Two weeks late plus two days early equals out to be precisely on time.

    Or, in my case, doing anything productive at all with consistency = a miracle worthy of a nap.

  5. My mother drank unpasteurized milk from cows her husband owned when she was PREGNANT! We were all raised on unpasteurized milk! I’m sure this is why I drink on weekdays and let my cats play outside unsupervised.

  6. I’d love to know how you got so many pics of my tattoos.

    Thanks for the recaps…and for giving me a break from my motherly duties for a few minutes to just LAUGH!

  7. sorry. I am not a kiss ass and the My Middle Name was one of those that should’ve been left out.
    The rest were funny, offensive, and raunchy. The Middle Name was boring.

    Stop drinking left over eggnog, Jen. it is messing up your mojo.

    Ok, back to my normal happy self next year.

    Hate me now, people. I know. But Jenny loves me bc I always tell the truth, so kiss my ass.
    Or, if you want to send me photos of your latest haircut and ask if you really look good or not, I am your honest virtual friend who will be 100% honest.


  8. I love the Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas
    In fact, I love Allie.
    She’s fucking adorable.
    I’m so glad you two are aware of each other.
    Your guys’s existence makes me happy

  9. Happy New Year sweetie. Thanks for getting me through one of the most difficult years of my life. The laughs and giggles and your loony-toons antics helped to keep me smiling when times were rough.


  10. Store name suggestion:

    The Saint James Garfield Emporium: One stop shopping for T-shirts, relics, etc.

    Now, here’s the thing. When Saint James Garfield sheds, you need to collect it and put one hair each in a small glass vial. (Or vile. Your choice.) Use tweezers. I don’ t know why, but it’s got a CSI feel to it, doesn’t it? Then pack them as a kit with a small votive candle and a small picture of Saint JG.

    Growing up partially-Catholic is finally coming in handy!

  11. Awesome! I’m new to your blog and this has made my obsessive and frantic catching up (/stalking) of everything you have written a lot easier!

    I really don’t know how I have coped before without your blogs and saint James Garfield in my life!

  12. I, for one, was moved by My Middle Name. It’s extremely well written and captures the sentiment of “otherness” very beautifully. The last line gave me chills.

  13. I was thinking in honour of your “Shit I Did When I Wasn’t Here” you could name your shop “Shit I Made When I Was Drunk” I mean clearly the things you make when drunk are far better products than others have made when drunken, but that’s just my thoughts…

  14. The dueling mommies argument in your “You will be judged” piece is the most hilarious fucking thing I’ve ever read on this site. Absolutely brilliant. It deserves to be made into a skit on Saturday Night Live -if SNL ever goes back to making funny skits.

    Seriously, you should shoot it yourself and put it on youtube. It would definately go viral. Think about it. -Great way to kick off the New Year!

  15. After reading the Ill Advised column? Totally sending you some knitting needles. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty.

  16. I can’t focus. I think I’ve been watching too much ukulele sex. As if you can have too much ukulele sex. Wait, can you?

  17. I saw the article in The Toronto Star, it was so great, congrats to you, James Garfield and everyone!

    Just read the piece somethings shouldnt be tattooed, and I could add to the list, with some things I have seen back in my single clubbing days, but uh I can’t now because technically speaking I am at work. Yep this is work.

    Happy New Year!

  18. Do people actually get offended by what offended by something you say? Really? Obviously they don’t know you very well. You only offend the ones you love.

  19. Re: “My middle name”. Poignantly brilliant indeed. It’s not all laughs. Sometimes it’s just a little victory in the end. *thumbs up*

  20. Im in an airport trying to comment on my cell phone. Considering I just took off my pants instead of my belt at the security line (true story btw), if this comment successfully goes through, it will be considered my last great accomplishment of 2010. Thank you; Jenny. I took a chance posting something that had nothing to do with legos or star wars so im really touched that it spoke to you. Boring is fine, irrelevant would kill me. Happy 2011. Off to prove those pants are mine…

  21. “My Middle Name” was brilliant. Had tears burning at the backs of my eyes. Thank you for sharing that. As to naming your store, you should totally go with “The Bloggess Bazaar”. ;D

  22. I love the Houston Chronicle article because it gets all these experts and then closes with a comment by some crazy Jesus freak*

    *who might be me and getting quoted in an article about the Bloggess is likely the pinnacle of my seminary career


  23. I think Saint James Garfield has orchestrated his third miracle. My cousin, who we formerly though was never going to find love, is now in a relationship. I am shocked and amazed and so so confused. The only explanation I can think of is that James Garfield sent out his amazing vibes to her. Now my Grandma can die happy. Wait…maybe we shouldn’t tell her….that way she can’t die. This makes sense, yes? (New Years=maybe I might be drunk and all my female friends were maybe kissing all my other female friends earlier and that was really strange but I totally love them all so it’s awesome at the same time). Also–happy new years!

  24. I’m always on time. My husband’s OCD makes us late every single time. I lie to him and say we need to be places an hour early. Doesn’t work and his lateness doesn’t cancel out my ontimeness so it’s a lose/lose.

  25. Happy New Year Jenny! Please keep showing us glimpses of bright, dark, and the grey in between.

  26. Hapy New Year! James Garfield is a star. I see a movie in his future. It would have to be a silent movie though. Unless Morgan Freeman could lend James his voice. I would totally watch that.

  27. Holy cow.

    You said douche-canoe.

    That is so cool. It’s spreading.

    Your site is worthy.

  28. Can’t stop laughing at the “Your Arms Aren’t Broken Asshole” post! I had to say “I hear ya” after the majority of the items!!! Especially the massage not ending in sex. Hilarious!

  29. I grew up in a predominantly white town, and didn’t really meet any minorities until college. “My Middle Name” gave me a new perspective on how their childhoods may have been. Even though I’m not a minority, I can relate.

    Also, is it ok to judge some one if they dine on their placenta, but fail to make placenta gravy?

  30. Love the video of Hailey and the pictures! Hope you are recovering from all of your Santa-ing!

    By the way, your act of kindness is going to be featured today on our radio show! Our first show is today, Sunday, Jan. 2 at 11:00 EST (It’s on demand too, if you give a listen.)

  31. Jenny. This comment is late and is related to your last post but it doesn’t matter because better late than never.

    One. Happy Birthday!

    Two. Can you please post a picture of you with a “MORE GRAVY” shirt. If it could be with a birthday tiara and wand it would be magical. Love and lots of Miami kisses.

  32. The Kenny Loggins post was so hysterically funny. But I have to say the best thing I read this week was your post on Ill-advised. Oh, the vicious cycle of judgment…and you nailed it perfectly. Fantastic!

  33. I love your blog! And always feel a little guilty about showing up in your comment section to try and get a few views for my own blog.

    I’ve finished up an e-book and would love for you to have a free free free copy.

    A payback for all the times I’ve hijacked your comment thread? Maybe.

    I hope for some more free promotion? Definitely.

    My e-mail is Robblogger@hotmail.com. Let me know if you have any desire for a free free free e-book.

    And I can be found here…

  34. Now that the parties are over (for now) it’s time to roll up our sleeves and clean some shit up. Can we start with celebrities we don’t need? I know just who to start with…


    ah, everyone in my office is staring at me because I screamed like a little girl. Thanks Jenny.

  36. It’s crazy how your Christmas giving thing is going to just keep on giving. I feel like the fact that they are still talking about it (HuffPo) is going to lead other people to do it next year. Crazy! I loved your Shatner approval campaign, but the whole make-the-world-a-better-place routine is a close second. Do they give Nobel Peace awards to bloggers? With rollers in their hair? Because I don’t think they should disqualify you for the rollers. Mother Teresa always left her bath towel around her hair.

  37. Happy New Year Jenny from the Blog. I liked your column on parents being judged. People suck sometimes.

  38. I love your blog. I think you are hilarious and insane. I’m a native Texan too. I was moved to tears by your James Garfield and almost sharted the other day at your tweets regarding your robbery. (I hope everything turned out OK and you are just irresponsible.)

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