Mixed messages

in Random Crap

You people confuse me.  But in the best possible way.

Number of cards that people bought *encouraging* kitten heroin use: 10. Number of cards that people bought *demonizing* kitten heroin use: Also 10. Number of hours I've spent wondering if this schism will mark the beginning of Civil War (part II - THE RECKONING)? <1. Number of hours I spent coming up with a variety of kick-ass name for the impending second civil war? Eleventy. The number of times I came up with "THE GREAT CATASTROPHY" and then shot it down because I CAN DO BETTER? 800,000. Amount of money I've made capitalizing on getting kittens hooked on smack so that I can begin a war that I don't even have a good name for yet? 8 bucks.

My priorities are totally in order.

85 thoughts on “Mixed messages”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. We are just trying to distract you from your current health woes. Or distract you so we can grab the axe away from you and borrow your neighbor’s shovel so we can dig for Victor.

  5. Someone just twittered me and said I should nominate you for a “Shorty award.” They also called me a “minion.” What I’m trying to say is, you’re not the only one who’s confused today.

  7. Well the Civil War was called the War of Northern Aggression when it was going on… so… how about the War of Anti-Junkie Feline Dependence? Or Independence… or something… nevermind. I see your dilemma.

    HM

  10. All kitties must suffer. I sprinkle bird seed on the porch railing and make my cat sit at the window and watch and drool all day. Never let her out.

  11. @Vinny C, but isn’t it peer pressure to say the kittens should “just.say.no.”?

  13. Obviously, your faithful minions recognize that kitten heroin use is fast becoming a CATaclysmic event, and are doing their part to warn the unfaithful.I think a comic book featuring James Garfield and a strung-out kitty is in order.

  15. kittens are a bad influence and should be banished and sent away forever. Oh, and I also believe that Santa Claus needs to get his butt kicked for being a bad influence on children.

  16. I’m not sure how to vote…I’m very allergic to cats. Does that mean I’d also be allergic to kittens? Or maybe I’d just be a LITTLE allergic to them, since they are usually much smaller than full-grown cats. So, then, instead of having a full-blown asthma attack and ending up in the emerg, I could maybe just have hives all over my body, which wouldn’t be all that bad, in the grand scheme of things.

    Now that I’ve read that over, it made absolutely no sense. Clearly, I had waaay too much cheap wine last night.

  20. My cats have been struggling with their addiction to the nip for years. It’s time for them to recover or get worse…this laying around the house being content is unacceptable. Thus, I would probably have to buy both sets of cards.

  21. Please, tell me that the 10 purchasers of the cards encouraging kittens on heroin are the same as the 10 purchasers of the cards against kittens on heroin. Then add that to the equation of people who want stoned kittens against people who are against stoning kittens and come up with a plausible number for impaled kitten welfare.

    If that doesn’t make your head come up with something logical, then I don’t know what can.

  22. I used to be for kittens but against heroin cards, then I was for heroin cards and against kittens.

    Lately I’ve been more into puppies who smoke dried liquid paper.

    SD

  24. Just go to the shelter and adopt a whole bunch of kittens. Give half of them a bunch of heroin and give nothing to the other half. It’s for a good cause!

    Let the kittens duke it out and when one side wins we’ll know whether they prefer to be off or on heroin, and then maybe people won’t be so confused over which card to buy. Right now everyone is too worried about offending kittens to decide which card to buy.

    Problem. Solved.

  25. Cats hooked on smack could be a useful tool when the zombie apocalypse occurs. Cats can be mean as hell when they’re pissed, now imagine if they were jonsing for a fix. Zombies would so not stand a chance!

  26. I would totally watch the hit t.v. show “Cat-ervention” (SYNERGY!!!). I think you’re on to something…I guess that would make me ‘for’ cats smacking it up…

  27. It’s good that I don’t know any smack addicted cats, because I would totally take advantage of them by petting their bellies. Most cats hate that. My cat Richard Simmons likes it, but I think he’s secretly a dog anyways.

  28. I blame the kittens!
    They could easily come out and make they stance on the heroin thing clear but they want you to be confused!
    THE KITTENS ARE PLAYING WITH YOUR MIND!
    Adorably, sure, but they are still toying with you as if you were a ball of wool.

  30. My cats drive me crazy on catnip. Can you imagine the damage they’d cause on smack? I’d use them as target practice for the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

  31. Who could be *against* kittens on heroin photo cards? Seriously, people. Sheesh.

    Also: Heroin Kittens – America’s next big rock band. You heard it here first.

  33. Cat-pitilize on the Untapped Resource of Selling Drugs to Kittens and Making Money for the Econmeow?

    Bad, bad, bad, bad.

  34. LMFAO, the Reckoning! That is the best possible name for the second civil war ever!!!!!

    I’m against the herion kittens, btw! My cat used to have seizures and I had her hopped up on phenobarbital. She would just lay there in a daze all day. Honestly, it was kind of nice. Ok, I might be changing my vote. But she died, so maybe not. Although, she was 18.
    This is the worst comment ever.

  43. @Random. TOTALLY like it. Your bloggess, in my humble opinion, you should totally rename the war to “Civil War II: Kitten Death Match”. Or maybe “Civil War II: Baby Kitty Death Match”. But definitely the way to go.

  45. Your political party should be The-Cats-Are-Too-Damn-High Party. AND PARTY WE SHALL.

  47. After we deal with heroin addicted kittens, can you come take care of these damn meth-lovin possums in my backyard?

  48. Historical incongruities aside–

    The MEWnic Wars featuring the Battles of WaterMEW, KITTIESberg and ThermoPOLYDACTYLPAWlae

    You’re welcome.

  49. As a strong Libertarian I just want to say I absolutely support the right of all kittens to get hooked on smack if they want. Doesn’t the Constitution grant us the right to pursue happiness??? Didn’t our founding fathers fight for a free nation in which one could get hooked on whatever the fuck they want? We have lost our way, America and it is time to get back on track.

    Brooke Farmer for president, 2012.

    My name is Brooke Farmer and I approved this message.

  51. I don’t think the sequel to the Civil War will be the Reckoning. I think, as you have clearly demonstrated here it will be the Kittening.

  58. If everyone masturbated just a little bit more we wouldn’t even be HAVING this conversation because there would be no kittens LEFT.

    You know, because every time you masturbate a kitten dies?

    I can’t believe I’m even explaining this.

  61. I don’t like kittens. And a small part of me thinks a second civil war would be kind of interesting, so long as it involves kittens.

    Also I think Jelly made a good point – masturbation is a WAY better way to reduce the number of kittens in the world, than a war.

    I’m probably going to hell.

  62. Time I’ve spent deciding whether eleventy is a real number? A lot. Just had to Google that shit and call it a day.

  63. today I saw the following tweets or status updates-
    My teen put away laundry,my ex just made a payment on his back child support without a judge being involved,
    My kid brought home an A, my frugal husband just took me to the most expensive restaurant in town, I have photo proof of a chupacabra, and OMG I love vista.

    So I am pretty sure the universe is collapsing in on itself. I told my husband we needed to teach the kid to build a fire with twigs, so he used a blog torch. What an idiot

  64. I simply can not come up with wit to match the masses.

    Cats! Heroine! Civil wars! A way to tie them all together so that you’ll love me.

    …please just accept me.

  65. I think kittens on heroine is a lifestyle choice, like screwing garden gnomes or voluntary root canals. also what sick medical law only allows gas for dentist, wouldn’t it be perfect for GYN, Mammograms, and colonoscopies? not to mention every time I have to leave me house.

  66. I am seriously hoping those kittens don’t share needles. Also there is a freaking chubacabra next in my fire place. I only know since my house nearly burned down last night. the insurance is sick of me burning down houses. What’s your paranormal exterminators number.

  68. Of course your priorities are in order. Get kittens hooked on smack, repent, have resolutions for 2012. Thought, if the Mayan calendar is right, you might want to abandon ship and pray that you aren’t smited for killing kittens.

  69. You are serving the country well right now: THIS is a great way to learn how to see things from BOTH perspectives and appreciate the other side’s point of view.

    You should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Just sayin’

  70. if the kittens are doped up on heroin, will it in any way negatively affect the homeless’s ability to be provided kitten mittens? i think that’s the most important item to consider.

  72. How about CATASSTROPHY and then the winners of the war can have a cat ass shaped trophy?

  74. every time i read the words “strung out” or “struggling” in this comment thread, my eyes tell me I’m seeing “snuggling”…which is much more kitty appropriate than heroine. SNUGGLE!!

  75. I admire your dedication to the cause. More cats should take smack. No wonder they look so freaking miserable all the time. Although, maybe that’s because they want to use heroin but can’t because it’s proved difficult to inject not having opposable thumbs and all… Maybe that should be a new campaign; encouraging cats to evolve with opposable thumbs in order to allow them to inject heroin.

    It makes sense, really…

  76. Okay, I swear I’m not just a creeper, just read your blog too much….I keep finding things that make me go “Hmm, this makes me think of Jenny.” (because in my imagination, we’re totally on a first name basis….despite you not knowing mine…) The following is not-safe-for-work. But entertaining.

    http://nicbuxom.blogspot.com/2009/05/it-begins.html

  77. So I came back and was wondering, up there on the post, you mean in the best “possible” way right? Or am I missing something. HUGS!

  81. Remember that old story about the boy and the girl out parking and a guy with a claw who murdered everyone and she heard a scratch at the window and he said it was a tree branch or something?

    I’m now thinking this story could be told with kittens high on heroin hanging off the window.

    …. or maybe not.

  82. Speaking of random crap – I just slammed my sons’ board book closed on my nipple and didn’t have anyone to tell but you. And by you, I mean anyone who reads your blog.

    Damn, you ever have a day where you are just too drunk for childcare?

  83. “If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets…” i totally thought that said “deaf” people. it made no sense, but hey..i was willing to go with it.

  85. Hmmmm … so does this mean that Victor was the first casualty in the CATastrophic war of 2011???

    On an unrelated note, I like the phrase “Digging for Victor”. If I had a band named Heroin Kitties, that would be the name of their first album.

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