Mixed messages

You people confuse me.  But in the best possible way.

Number of cards that people bought *encouraging* kitten heroin use: 10. Number of cards that people bought *demonizing* kitten heroin use: Also 10. Number of hours I've spent wondering if this schism will mark the beginning of Civil War (part II - THE RECKONING)? <1. Number of hours I spent coming up with a variety of kick-ass name for the impending second civil war? Eleventy. The number of times I came up with "THE GREAT CATASTROPHY" and then shot it down because I CAN DO BETTER? 800,000. Amount of money I've made capitalizing on getting kittens hooked on smack so that I can begin a war that I don't even have a good name for yet? 8 bucks.

My priorities are totally in order.

85 replies. read them below or add one

  1. We are just trying to distract you from your current health woes. Or distract you so we can grab the axe away from you and borrow your neighbor’s shovel so we can dig for Victor.

    Carolyn recently posted I Feel Like Im In High School Again.

  2. –>If the war started yesterday, you could have called it the 1/11 War of ’11. I guess it will have to wait til Nov. 11 now.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Wordless Wednesday - You Can Be My Yoko Ono.

  3. This will be very useful for your political career.

    juliejulie recently posted Let’s go bowling!.

  4. What about those of us on the fence on the kittens-on-heroin issue?

  5. Someone just twittered me and said I should nominate you for a “Shorty award.” They also called me a “minion.” What I’m trying to say is, you’re not the only one who’s confused today.

    Bejewell recently posted The BFF- the Bag O’Crap- Cranberry Sauce and My Exceptionally Strong Toenails.

  6. Personally, I believe kittens shouldn’t give in the peer pressure & just.say.no.

    Vinny C recently posted Finally! I Have Arrived.

  7. Well the Civil War was called the War of Northern Aggression when it was going on… so… how about the War of Anti-Junkie Feline Dependence? Or Independence… or something… nevermind. I see your dilemma.


    Hamlet's Mistress recently posted Putting a Spark into weight loss….

  8. Is this the platform for your on-air political commercial? It would win me over.

    Georgette recently posted The D Word.

  9. Clearly, your cards are the CATalyst for big, terrible things the world has never seen.

    John B recently posted I die.

  10. All kitties must suffer. I sprinkle bird seed on the porch railing and make my cat sit at the window and watch and drool all day. Never let her out.

    Fred Miller recently posted “My Wit’s Diseased”.

  11. @Vinny C, but isn’t it peer pressure to say the kittens should “just.say.no.”?

  12. I’m with Keith. What if we just haven’t made up our minds yet… weighed the pros and cons, you know.

  13. 13
    Rachel in Alabama

    Obviously, your faithful minions recognize that kitten heroin use is fast becoming a CATaclysmic event, and are doing their part to warn the unfaithful.I think a comic book featuring James Garfield and a strung-out kitty is in order.

  14. I’m against photo cards and I hate Christmas.

  15. kittens are a bad influence and should be banished and sent away forever. Oh, and I also believe that Santa Claus needs to get his butt kicked for being a bad influence on children.

    Jack recently posted Friday Morning Music- What We Read-Listened To.

  16. I’m not sure how to vote…I’m very allergic to cats. Does that mean I’d also be allergic to kittens? Or maybe I’d just be a LITTLE allergic to them, since they are usually much smaller than full-grown cats. So, then, instead of having a full-blown asthma attack and ending up in the emerg, I could maybe just have hives all over my body, which wouldn’t be all that bad, in the grand scheme of things.

    Now that I’ve read that over, it made absolutely no sense. Clearly, I had waaay too much cheap wine last night.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Things can only get better Right.

  17. What’s the Henry Ford quote about all the failed attempts before success?

  18. I’m still trying to figure out if I’m for or against. But definitely against people doing crack behind the wheel.

    Dangerboy recently posted Outfoxed on the Flightline.

  19. Is there rehab for folks hooked on Kittens on Heroin? Is there no Kitty Ford Center for us?

  20. My cats have been struggling with their addiction to the nip for years. It’s time for them to recover or get worse…this laying around the house being content is unacceptable. Thus, I would probably have to buy both sets of cards.

    Angi recently posted The Kitten Thunder Workout.

  21. Please, tell me that the 10 purchasers of the cards encouraging kittens on heroin are the same as the 10 purchasers of the cards against kittens on heroin. Then add that to the equation of people who want stoned kittens against people who are against stoning kittens and come up with a plausible number for impaled kitten welfare.

    If that doesn’t make your head come up with something logical, then I don’t know what can.

  22. I used to be for kittens but against heroin cards, then I was for heroin cards and against kittens.

    Lately I’ve been more into puppies who smoke dried liquid paper.


    Simple Dude recently posted Weeknight Party Animal.

  23. *several homeless cats on methadone who may or may not have relapsed could not be reached for comment

    moooooog35 recently posted Why I Am a Dog Person.

  24. Just go to the shelter and adopt a whole bunch of kittens. Give half of them a bunch of heroin and give nothing to the other half. It’s for a good cause!

    Let the kittens duke it out and when one side wins we’ll know whether they prefer to be off or on heroin, and then maybe people won’t be so confused over which card to buy. Right now everyone is too worried about offending kittens to decide which card to buy.

    Problem. Solved.

    Chelle recently posted Snowmen can have babies too!.

  25. Cats hooked on smack could be a useful tool when the zombie apocalypse occurs. Cats can be mean as hell when they’re pissed, now imagine if they were jonsing for a fix. Zombies would so not stand a chance!

    Holly B recently posted Doubles As A Sex Toy .

  26. I would totally watch the hit t.v. show “Cat-ervention” (SYNERGY!!!). I think you’re on to something…I guess that would make me ‘for’ cats smacking it up…

    emily illinois recently posted The oldfactory.

  27. It’s good that I don’t know any smack addicted cats, because I would totally take advantage of them by petting their bellies. Most cats hate that. My cat Richard Simmons likes it, but I think he’s secretly a dog anyways.

  28. I blame the kittens!
    They could easily come out and make they stance on the heroin thing clear but they want you to be confused!
    Adorably, sure, but they are still toying with you as if you were a ball of wool.

  29. I’m all for kittens. Less for heroin.

    Would have to see a kitten ON heroin to make a final decision. Sorta goes against my animal loving ways… Hmm… what to do, what to do…

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted F-cked Up Letters.

  30. My cats drive me crazy on catnip. Can you imagine the damage they’d cause on smack? I’d use them as target practice for the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

    Brandy recently posted Geekdom- We gots style!.

  31. Who could be *against* kittens on heroin photo cards? Seriously, people. Sheesh.

    Also: Heroin Kittens – America’s next big rock band. You heard it here first.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted I ♥ New York or- “My awesome weekend in the Big Apple with my hot wife- Colin Quinn & Demonic Al Roker”.

  32. The War on Kitteh Heroin? You’re right. Totally can do better.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted Hump Day Humor- Nuthin But A Glee Thang.

  33. Cat-pitilize on the Untapped Resource of Selling Drugs to Kittens and Making Money for the Econmeow?

    Bad, bad, bad, bad.

  34. LMFAO, the Reckoning! That is the best possible name for the second civil war ever!!!!!

    I’m against the herion kittens, btw! My cat used to have seizures and I had her hopped up on phenobarbital. She would just lay there in a daze all day. Honestly, it was kind of nice. Ok, I might be changing my vote. But she died, so maybe not. Although, she was 18.
    This is the worst comment ever.

  35. I think you should call the war “Edward Cullen”.

    Mrs. P recently posted Thank God he wasnt wearing the shirt when the police came.

  36. Obviously, someone is terribly confused.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Let’s all pretend we’re there.

  37. come on! kittens and heroin make so much sense together…and if you really want an addiction…go to http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

  38. I just wanna know how kittens work syringes without opposable thumbs.

    Elly Lou recently posted Snow- Swans- and WHY AM I SO STABBY!.

  39. Shouldn’t that be Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo?

    Chris G recently posted Whoa Where does the time go.

  40. OMM (Oh My Meow).

    Lookie Lou recently posted Fire Chief Joseph Everett in the Asbury Park Press.

  41. I’m voting for “Civil War II: Kitten Death Match”

  42. I’m with Keith and Shane, on the fence but then again I am a Libra and we are known to be indecisive.

    Laurie recently posted The Sad Mom.

  43. @Random. TOTALLY like it. Your bloggess, in my humble opinion, you should totally rename the war to “Civil War II: Kitten Death Match”. Or maybe “Civil War II: Baby Kitty Death Match”. But definitely the way to go.

    Carolyn recently posted I Feel Like Im In High School Again.

  44. Why don’t we ask the kittens what THEY fucking want?


    Cat recently posted Dark Dark.

  45. Your political party should be The-Cats-Are-Too-Damn-High Party. AND PARTY WE SHALL.

  46. Bugger that. My new hobby is killing kittens, stuffing them into comedy poses and then wheeling them around town on a trolley.

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Its Gruesome Injury Day! Lets compare accidents!.

  47. After we deal with heroin addicted kittens, can you come take care of these damn meth-lovin possums in my backyard?

    Steph recently posted Random Musings for the Day Volume II.

  48. Historical incongruities aside–

    The MEWnic Wars featuring the Battles of WaterMEW, KITTIESberg and ThermoPOLYDACTYLPAWlae

    You’re welcome.

    LaraLev recently posted My profile isn’t as private as I thought.

  49. As a strong Libertarian I just want to say I absolutely support the right of all kittens to get hooked on smack if they want. Doesn’t the Constitution grant us the right to pursue happiness??? Didn’t our founding fathers fight for a free nation in which one could get hooked on whatever the fuck they want? We have lost our way, America and it is time to get back on track.

    Brooke Farmer for president, 2012.

    My name is Brooke Farmer and I approved this message.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Really After I give an additional four weeks on top of my two weeks notice I get a bad reference!.

  50. I’m on the fence next to the raggedy stray who has been clean for 5 months and is tempted.

    Tracey recently posted Lethargy or Just Lazy.

  51. I don’t think the sequel to the Civil War will be the Reckoning. I think, as you have clearly demonstrated here it will be the Kittening.

  52. Kitties are Satan’s imps.

    Pablo recently posted Recent Storms Prove Lots of Snow- Scientists Say.

  53. It’s been scientically proven that kittens are 1000 times more creative on heroin and 100 times more sleepy.

    cynicalbuddha recently posted Neutering Mark Twain.

  54. You could call it a cataschism.

  55. If this catches on I’ll be spending my Monday nights watching Kit-tervention on A&E…

    Phoenix Rising recently posted Happy Sunday- yall!.

  56. A haiku for you:
    Cats hooked on smack or
    a zombie apocalypse;
    Wow. We are so fucked.

    LadyV recently posted An obsessive letter to a soup company.

  57. If everyone masturbated just a little bit more we wouldn’t even be HAVING this conversation because there would be no kittens LEFT.

    You know, because every time you masturbate a kitten dies?

    I can’t believe I’m even explaining this.

    Jelly recently posted How Facebook made me sniff glue Not really though.

  58. What is a heroin photo card?

    Guilty Squid recently posted Seriously I need soup help So- yeah- that’s all this post is about.

  59. And to think I teach my kids crazy crap like studying.

    I’m breaking them, aren’t I?

    I knew it.

    Poor doomed kids.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted If You Want A Job Done Right….

  60. I don’t like kittens. And a small part of me thinks a second civil war would be kind of interesting, so long as it involves kittens.

    Also I think Jelly made a good point – masturbation is a WAY better way to reduce the number of kittens in the world, than a war.

    I’m probably going to hell.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Time After Time Or How Cyndi Lauper Kept Me From Posting For Three Whole Days.

  61. Time I’ve spent deciding whether eleventy is a real number? A lot. Just had to Google that shit and call it a day.

    Annah recently posted Oh My.

  62. today I saw the following tweets or status updates-
    My teen put away laundry,my ex just made a payment on his back child support without a judge being involved,
    My kid brought home an A, my frugal husband just took me to the most expensive restaurant in town, I have photo proof of a chupacabra, and OMG I love vista.

    So I am pretty sure the universe is collapsing in on itself. I told my husband we needed to teach the kid to build a fire with twigs, so he used a blog torch. What an idiot

    ThePittsofBeingPeachy recently posted Pretty sure I asked for this.

  63. I simply can not come up with wit to match the masses.

    Cats! Heroine! Civil wars! A way to tie them all together so that you’ll love me.

    …please just accept me.

    Libby recently posted On Love and Other Sentimental Things.

  64. I think kittens on heroine is a lifestyle choice, like screwing garden gnomes or voluntary root canals. also what sick medical law only allows gas for dentist, wouldn’t it be perfect for GYN, Mammograms, and colonoscopies? not to mention every time I have to leave me house.

    ThePittsofBeingPeachy recently posted Pretty sure I asked for this.

  65. I am seriously hoping those kittens don’t share needles. Also there is a freaking chubacabra next in my fire place. I only know since my house nearly burned down last night. the insurance is sick of me burning down houses. What’s your paranormal exterminators number.

  66. You crack me up every time I read your blog!

    Amanda recently posted Doesn’t he know who’s boss.

  67. Of course your priorities are in order. Get kittens hooked on smack, repent, have resolutions for 2012. Thought, if the Mayan calendar is right, you might want to abandon ship and pray that you aren’t smited for killing kittens.

    Subatomic Tomato recently posted This is what I hear when people talk to me about Nashville- “Elvis love child lol edward cullen doooooop”.

  68. You are serving the country well right now: THIS is a great way to learn how to see things from BOTH perspectives and appreciate the other side’s point of view.

    You should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Just sayin’

    subWOW recently posted 35 seconds.

  69. if the kittens are doped up on heroin, will it in any way negatively affect the homeless’s ability to be provided kitten mittens? i think that’s the most important item to consider.

  70. This has probably caused a rupture in the time-space continuum. Good going Zazzle customers. Superman is going to be SO pissed.

    Leaf Probably recently posted Dorks Unite! Join my club We’ll be awkward and unco-ordinated together.

  71. How about CATASSTROPHY and then the winners of the war can have a cat ass shaped trophy?

  72. I totally saw this and thought you would enjoy it…

    Sears will now take care of you in the afterlife…


  73. every time i read the words “strung out” or “struggling” in this comment thread, my eyes tell me I’m seeing “snuggling”…which is much more kitty appropriate than heroine. SNUGGLE!!

  74. I admire your dedication to the cause. More cats should take smack. No wonder they look so freaking miserable all the time. Although, maybe that’s because they want to use heroin but can’t because it’s proved difficult to inject not having opposable thumbs and all… Maybe that should be a new campaign; encouraging cats to evolve with opposable thumbs in order to allow them to inject heroin.

    It makes sense, really…

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted This is Not the Greatest Post in the World This is Just a Tribute….

  75. Okay, I swear I’m not just a creeper, just read your blog too much….I keep finding things that make me go “Hmm, this makes me think of Jenny.” (because in my imagination, we’re totally on a first name basis….despite you not knowing mine…) The following is not-safe-for-work. But entertaining.


  76. So I came back and was wondering, up there on the post, you mean in the best “possible” way right? Or am I missing something. HUGS!

    Annah recently posted Oh My.

  77. Ok here’s a distraction for you, WTF is Cryptorkian???? This one will stimulate some good jokes.

    knows not what I do.. recently posted Cryptorkian WTF.

  78. Well if some people love it and some people hate it, you MUST be doing something right.

    Keep up the good work!!! 🙂


    Larry Lourcey recently posted Goal Setting for 2011.

  79. OH MY GOD! I love you!

  80. Remember that old story about the boy and the girl out parking and a guy with a claw who murdered everyone and she heard a scratch at the window and he said it was a tree branch or something?

    I’m now thinking this story could be told with kittens high on heroin hanging off the window.

    …. or maybe not.

  81. Speaking of random crap – I just slammed my sons’ board book closed on my nipple and didn’t have anyone to tell but you. And by you, I mean anyone who reads your blog.

    Damn, you ever have a day where you are just too drunk for childcare?

    LadyV recently posted An obsessive letter to a soup company.

  82. “If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets…” i totally thought that said “deaf” people. it made no sense, but hey..i was willing to go with it.

  83. oh sweet jesus, i commented on the wrong post. talk about random. dahrrrrrrrrrrr

  84. 85
    Heather Greywolf

    Hmmmm … so does this mean that Victor was the first casualty in the CATastrophic war of 2011???

    On an unrelated note, I like the phrase “Digging for Victor”. If I had a band named Heroin Kitties, that would be the name of their first album.

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