On a positive note, they’ll probably never ask to borrow our axe.

Actual conversation I had with my elderly neighbors the 6th time in a row that they’ve unexpectedly dropped by to meet Victor and I’ve had to tell them that he’s out of town again:

me: I swear to God he really exists.

Them:  Oh, we believe you.

me:  You probably think I’ve chopped him up with an axe and stuffed him under the crawl-space.

them (slightly aghast):  We would never think that.

Me.  Oh.  Well, you probably do now.

neighbors: ?

me:  We don’t even have a crawl-space.

neighbors:  Oh.

me:  Or a shovel.

neighbors:  Well if you ever need to borrow a shovel just let us know.  That’s what neighbors are for!

me:  Well, Victor’s still alive.  So…I don’t really need a shovel.

neighbors:  Of course he is.  We just meant if you needed a shovel for…

me:  Oh!  …For non-murderous reasons. Of course.  Got it. Sorry.  I am not a good conversationalist.

neighbors:  Ah.  Well, maybe we’ll stop by again on Saturday.

me:  Awesome.  I’ll be sure to hire someone to pretend to be my husband so it doesn’t look suspicious.

neighbors:  *…*

me:  That was a joke.

neighbors:  Oh.

me:  It wasn’t a very good one.

And then they never came back again.

150 replies. read them below or add one

  1. So THAT’S how you get rid of pesky neighbors!

    Annmarie recently posted Goody’s Headache Powder.

  2. Scaring the elderly is now added to your AWESOME resume! Way to go Jenny!

    Now their insomnia will be even worse!

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Vacation Follies Part 1 The Dog Kennel- Pre-Departure.

  3. But I bet they rented one of those doppler thingies for looking for bones underground.

    Like they have on all the cop shows.

    Do those really exist?

    Maybe they’d just use a metal detector and assume that the victim was probably carrying loose change.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted How to Sell Your Child to the Gypsies.

  4. I bet you don’t get a lot of solicitors either…

  5. Maybe they are just scoping your house to see if you have a good body-chopping axe. I mean really, that’s what neighbors are for.

  6. I am constantly thinking that I need to stop saying “That makes me want to punch a baby in the face.” But now I’m thinking I need to say it more. Keep people guessing. Bonus is that it will also keep them from knocking on your door and finding the bodies.

    Carrie recently posted Todays show brought to you courtesy of our armed forces no really.

  7. I would *SO* be back. Having you for a neighbor would rock in an “outside of the asylum” sort of way. 😉

    ShredderFeeder recently posted Guns don’t kill people….

  8. I see nothing wrong with this conversation in the slightest. I mean, just this past weekend, I danced in front of the hearse that had just arrived back from my great aunts funeral. Classy ladies always impress.

  9. Better plan what you’re going to tell the police when they show up later. 😉

    On the up side, don’t need to worry about making polite conversation with the pesky neighbors anymore. You will not appear at the top of their invite list for dinner parties.

  10. Fantastic. I wonder if a similar method could be used for getting rid of door to door types? We actually had a large, empty wasp nest that we stuck on our porch for just that purpose. It worked great. For some reason, people aren’t very keen on coming up to your house when there’s a bee’s nest the size of a human head right next to the door. Weird.

    mommyk8 recently posted Diametrically Opposed.

  11. Gawd – I wish you were MY neighbour!
    🙂

    RK Charron recently posted New Release!.

  12. I. Love. You. This is hysterical.

  13. Best way to get rid of nosy neighbors! I am inspired yet again. Also, you should borrow the shovel in the near future – just to freak them out a little.

    Danielle recently posted The Tuesday Coffee Crisis and the Lesson I Learned.

  14. Jenny, I just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh today when all I wanted to was cry! I found your blog many months ago, and it has brought joy (the almost wet my pants kind) to my life ever since. I have also popularized the word “douchecanoe” in my local community. I feel like I have purpose again!

  15. That was truly hilarious. I honestly choked on my own saliva, laughing.

    (Of course it was my own saliva… I’m working!)

    Ross Brown recently posted Welcome to Songsaengnim- A Korea Diary.

  16. The true beauty of that conversation is that it could work in almost any circumstance – nosy neighbors, Jehovah’s witnesses, Girl Scouts, traveling vacuum cleaner salesmen (do those still exist? ), census workers… the possibilities really are endless.

  17. I think I’m going to invite you over the next time my obnoxious neighbor stops by:) This is hilarious!

  18. They’re undercover cops so it was a good thing you told them you didn’t kill him and bury in the crawl space. It’ll throw off suspicion when you feed him to the giant squid.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted You Like Me!.

  19. A lesson in how to get rid of nosey neighbors. Or on how to get them to call the cops on you. Awesome 🙂

    Ally recently posted My new year resolutions for 2011.

  20. I *really* wish I was your neighbor.

    Except for the fact that you live in Texas and I am pretty sure that me and Texas would not get along.

    But me and you would get along famously. I think. But I could just be like one of those idiots that walks around saying shit like “I would like to meet (insert celebrity name here). I think they’d really like me.

    Did I rip that off from a Seinfeld episode? I’m honestly not sure. But it sounds like it could be from a Seinfeld episode so I probably did.

    We would not get along. You would think I was totally lame and always accidentally ripping shit off from Seinfeld.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted If you happen to have an extra 125 mill laying around you should totally buy me this house.

  21. They probably kill people and shove them under crawl spaces and so now you’ve inadvertently discovered their secret. And now you’re on a hit list of the elderly mad. Think about it. They have a fucking shovel. Why else do old people need shovels? Gardening? Pffffft.

    Star recently posted A Call for Sanity In Activism.

  22. I’d be more concerned that your neighbors were checking you out because they are interested in burglary or murder or something. And they have a shovel…

  23. Hmmm. I was #1 then got bumped to #2. How’d that happen?
    Bummer.

    How does one get their name BOLDER than others? Are they more regular poster or something? There must be a FAQ somewhere I am too lazy to find…

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Vacation Follies Part 1 The Dog Kennel- Pre-Departure.

  24. So the funniest “elderly” conversation I’ve ever had was one I had with my grandmother every time I saw her. I had the conversation several times a day because she had alzheimer’s. I can repeat it almost verbatim:

    Grandma: See my pretty bracelet?

    Me: Oh! It’s beautiful! (I have to act like I’ve never seen it before even though we just had the same conversation five minutes ago.)

    Grandma: But look (fumbles around for ten minutes messing with it). . .it’s a watch! (She has finally flipped the cover open to reveal the watch underneath.)

    Me: (With a look of fake awe and surprise on my face) OH my GOODNESS! It *IS* a watch!

    Not to promote myself or anything, but I did a whole blog post on my grandmother. I have to admit it is one of my better ones. . . http://carolynsfamilyblogspot.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-lovely-but-deceased-grandmother.html

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Carolyn recently posted I Just Need Me Some Inspiration! A Real Post.

  25. Well bowled, madame. And I thought it was a very good joke.

    Dangerboy recently posted Outfoxed on the Flightline.

  26. Really the next time they stop by you should answer the door wearing a butchers apron with a bloody cleaver . THAT will totally keep them on their toes. I don’t have neighbors anymore. I kind of miss the entertainment.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted TWO.

  27. Awesome. The best part is that you actually WERE being funny… they were just so determined to stay out of “let’s joke about murder”-ville.

    jessicookie recently posted I Can’t Help it.

  28. I guess you won’t be invited to speak at your local nursing home anytime soon!

  29. When was that? You never know they might just sneak up on ya when you least expect it!
    When our new neighbors first moved in they greeted us in the driveway and told us they heard we had kids. Mind you they have grown children who have flown the coop. I told them I did and they said that was great. They loved living in a neighborhood with kids laughing and playing. I asked them if they had any idea how many kids we had. They were told a “few.” They were in for the shock of the lives when we told them we had 10 kids at the time! LOL
    Yes we are good friends despite the crowd and they are the best neighbors in the world. We’ve widdled our crew down to 7 kids and they still love us! And no..no shovels were involved in the decline in number! LOL

    MOM aka Mary Alice recently posted Surviving My Daughter’s Boyfriends!.

  30. Since the neighbors won’t be using your axe, can I borrow it? And do you think they’d loan me their shovel?

    Kathy recently posted Writers Workshop- Joe Cool.

  31. If they didn’t find that hilarious, it’s best that they didn’t come back 😉

    Beth recently posted Pin.

  32. I wish something like that would work on my crappy neighbors. Surely I can use horror movie cliches to teach them a lesson about properly throwing away their garbage….

    Val recently posted Tradition!.

  33. People use shovels for non-murderous reasons? When did that start? Is it like a Twitter thing?

    kyknoord recently posted Don’t pet the sweaty things.

  34. so….does Victor really exsist?

  35. Victor is one of your multiple personalities, isn’t he. Sybil.

    Mrs. P recently posted Anyone got a plan B.

  36. I have three dogs and a 4 year old. My neighbors just stay away. But your way is more entertaining.

    MidLifeMama recently posted I live in a frat house.

  37. I seriously need to have similar conversations with the neighbors in my condos.

    One is a disgusting, smokes in his condo drunk, another is an old grumpy gay guy who thinks every person in the building is going to rob his apartment and are up to no good. I’m sure I have lived there for over a year and every ‘hi, how are you’ comes out with the tone ‘you are up to no good.’ He’s usually right, but I would never rob or sexually assault him…

    Also, every person who lives there has a dog. A not very well behaved, howls in the middle of the night dog. I am figuring out a way to mass murder all of the dogs. So, I may definitely need that shovel.

    John B recently posted I die.

  38. Could be they just think you’re trying to cut down on trick-or-treaters next year. Especially since James Garfield was there too. Some people don’t understand just what a party animal he is.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted And now a question for the ages… do you or don’t you.

  39. I can’t wait to read the follow up conversation you have when the FBI shows up after an “anonymous” phone call.

    “Excuse me ma’am, may we examine your shovel and crawl space?”

  40. At least they didn’t call the cops.

    Yet.

    But, them offering to loan you a shovel right after you volunteered the fact that you didn’t have one as proff for not killing and burying your husband, seemed suspicious to me. It’s almost like there were encouraging you to go through with it by loaning you the tools.

    Ed Adams recently posted Never Trust Something That Bleeds THIS Much And Doesnt Die.

  41. And that comment was full of typos.

    proof, not proff.

    they were, not there were.

    I blame the keyboard.

    Ed Adams recently posted Never Trust Something That Bleeds THIS Much And Doesnt Die.

  42. It’s like you just rewrote the play Arsenic and Old Lace into a super-short one-scene drama. Genius. Of course, it’s lacking the crazy character who thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt. But, then again, at least you didn’t have to wear a dowdy black dress trimmed in old lace to play your part.

    MommyTime recently posted Old Dog- New Tricks.

  43. I’m sure that living next door to you would be quite a treat!

    Natalie recently posted Random Randomness.

  44. I have been looking for a polite way to make our neighbors leave us alone and I think you have just solved my problem!!!

    Helen recently posted Andrew Throws Himself Away.

  45. That is fantastic. I’m just about as smooth a conversationalist, which is why at the last neighborhood BBQ not a single person talked to me. Not even the dogs came over to sniff me.

    Kim recently posted Sit Down Prepare Yourself- I Have a Flaw.

  46. You would be a scarily awesome neighbor. But, we would have fun cause I would like to sharpen your axe. For safety purposes. Because a dull tool is a dangerous tool.

    Mikeporterinmd recently posted The Assange Charges.

  47. I’d like to borrow your axe – I’ve got a nosy ass old lady down the road who keeps sniffing around the place…

  48. I love jackin’ with the elderly…I even have a day set aside just for that….

  49. If you’ve ever watched SyFy slasher films its always the sweet little couple down the road that’s making peanut brittle from toenails and jerky from the flesh of those they have tortured and killed.
    — Its a good thing you scared them off!!

    Holly B recently posted It Happens Every Night In My Bedroom.

  50. Getting rid of my neighbors was a lot less suspicious than that. I just told them I wasn’t Mormon and they ran like I was spewing the black plague from my mouth. Gotta love Utah.

    Kendahl recently posted Like death- only longer And more painful.

  51. That is a fantastic idea. I hate having to sneak into my own apartment because if my one neighbor hears me come into the building, she is opening her door asking for SOMETHING. Do you have an extra lightbulb? Do mind watching my kid while I go do laundry downstairs and come back 3 hours later? Do you have an extra diaper? Since I don’t drive, the next time you go out would you mind picking me up a pack of cigarettes?

    Scream.

    MandyImnotfamousMoore recently posted This is Lost His accent makes me swoon Combined with rap shiz- all I have to say is prepare yourself Back off Hes mine.

  52. The best kind of neighbors are the ones who:
    A) Only talk to you if they are handing you a beer over the fence
    B) Smile and wave as they drive by
    C) Don’t report your dog for chasing their car as they go past your house

    Unexpected visits are ALWAYS* unacceptable….. I mean, what if I, or rather, the baby is napping?

    *Unless they are bringing chocolate or offering to babysit for free.

    Johi recently posted The Hubs.

  53. That is hysterical. Hope you never need a shovel cuz asking to borrow it would now be hugely awkward. lol

    Lisa recently posted Monster Jam is coming to Allstate Arena.

  54. Totally printing out and memorizing that conversation for the next time the neighbors stop by. And we have an intercom at the front door so it will freak them out even more because I’ll be making noises and sound effects as well as using several different voices.

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Fast facts about microchipping your pet.

  55. They seem real nice, …nice enough, I believe, to help get rid of a body if you needed the help.

    Brandy recently posted Geekdom- We gots style!.

  56. You don’t have the right kind of neighbours, because *I* would totally make the assumption that you’d poisoned him with arsenic and buried the body at midnight.

    This is probably why my own neighbours don’t talk to me.

    Keely recently posted You just KNOW I’m going to have a whole post about phlegm tomorrow- Random Tuesday Thoughts.

  57. I think you should unexpectedly drop in on the the neighbors and ask to borrow a cup of sugar and a bag of quicklime

  58. Best part? “And then they never came back again.” There (wiping off hands) – your work here is done. 😉

  59. I have tried everything with one set of neighbors and nothing has worked. Not that you were trying to rid yourself of the neighbors but, you have certainly caused new ideas to stir in my head..Thank you!!!

    Pam recently posted Happy Birthday!.

  60. Bwahahahahahahaha…so funny!

    Kristin recently posted 1 for me- 1 for you125 for me- 125 for you from CSN Stores.

  61. HA!
    You should be the president of your local neighborhood Welcome Wagon.

    Or, President of the WHOLE COUNTRY.

    Imagine that situation for a moment…..

    Steph recently posted In the Mood to Do Something Kind and Generous and Meaningful.

  62. I can’t believe you killed them. They were just being neighborly.

    Marinka recently posted Let’s Make a Deal.

  63. Know what else is fun? Greeting people at school functions as if you know them, and watch them try to fake knowing who you are. Though it’s best to have a backup plan to in case they are one of those rare ones who will ask outright, “Who’re you and how do I know you?” Usually it’s guys who do this.

  64. Neighbors, solicitors, religious zealots – we have the same solution for all of them. We immediately interrupt and tell them that our family is part Aztec and we are keeping the old country’s religion alive. Then we tell them that we can’t chat now but ask them if they’d like to stop back by at sunrise on Saturday when they could have the central role in our worship ceremony in the back yard. I will admit that sometimes they don’t get it the first time, in which case we always make sure to prominently display the stained stone knife the second time they drop in and casually ask them if they have a will.

    When my mother died 15 years ago, us kids managed to get rid of her obnoxious sister by loudly discussing in Auntie’s presence whether or not we needed to purchase a headstone since Mother had been cremated and therefore technically no longer had a a head. None of us kids ever heard from our aunt again. We didn’t get a headstone but did buy a “memorial marker”. FWIW, my mother would have loved your blog and my aunt would be highly offended. Just another reason I love you.

    Jami recently posted Heres lookin at you- kid.

  65. Do you think that conversation would work with the Jehovah’s Witnesses who keep coming to visit my husband? My husband is not confrontation AT ALL and he’s been leading this one particular man on for about 3 years. I usually hide during these 45 minutes conversations, but it gets a little tricky when the hubbie’s not at home. Usually I just stick my head out the door and tell them that he’s not home and I’m not dressed yet. They clearly see me as the obstacle to my husband’s salvation, so a little faux-murder talk couldn’t make things any worse, right?

  66. Oh, oh, oh, you can do what I just did – rename your internet network to something along the lines of “Police surveilliance camera feed #2”. That’ll keep the neighbors at bay and give them something to talk about at the block parties they won’t invite you to. Boo-yah!

  67. I thought the whole reason for moving to the country was so you wouldn’t have to talk to your neighbors. Good to see you got that sorted. I have two dogs, and I let them rush the door anytime the doorbell rings. Then, if the people won’t leave, I tell them, sorry, I can’t hear over the dogs. They usually give up and leave at that point. A couple of times like that, and I have my privacy back.

    Barbara recently posted Amazing New Hands-Free Twitter App!.

  68. That’s why I love living in Alaska. The winters are so long, cold and dark that no one can even walk next door to be “neighborly”. We do wave at eachother while we’re up to our but in snow, shovelling. We also all have shovels, just as an aside.

    Pauline recently posted Ships- Wreck Of Revenge.

  69. Just imagine if your front yard was half dug up due to “irrigation installation” during this conversation…

    Alicia recently posted And You Thought Writing Your Name in the Snow Was Fun.

  70. Well, geez, you could have offered them some home-made ‘beef’ jerky. (Always keep a small amount on hand for those ‘special’ moments!)

  71. Imagine if they’d come inside and seen all the strung-out heorin kitties.

  72. 72
    Apryl'sAntics

    I wish more neighbors were like you. When we moved here, I saw our neighbor from across the street and went to introduce myself. I told her we were doing a lot of work inside the house and that we’d have to invite her over for a cocktail when we were done. She then told me, “We all pretty much stick to ourselves in this neighborhood”. I probably should have put on some clothes first.

  73. I never even SEE my neighbors. I would love to scar them like this though.

    Priceless. I appreciate the awkwardness. 🙂

  74. This is why I love California. We don’t really “do” neighbors. Although, the crazy cat lady next door is a bit too chatty for my liking. Can you please come over and tell her the axe story so she leaves me the hell alone? Thanks much!

    Hilly recently posted And When I Squinted- The World Seemed Rose-Tinted….

  75. Perhaps they’ve actually been trying to find Victor at home so THEY can take an axe to him. Watch your back. And Victor’s. Unless, of course, you’re tired of him and have always wanted to dress like Little House on the Prairie while syncing your period with 37 other sister/wives!

    It’s your call. I don’t judge.

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted YouTube How-To- M is for Make a Paper Bomb.

  76. @Ed Adams – the keyboard must’ve been possessed by the spirit of Victor. . .

    carolyn recently posted I Just Need Me Some Inspiration! A Real Post.

  77. GJM said: “Do you think that conversation would work with the Jehovah’s Witnesses who keep coming to visit my husband? “

    Just answer the door with a gun on your hip. I did one time (for totally innocent reasons, I swear!) . . . and they never came back.

  78. This is why I do not talk to my neighbors. If they think I’m a murderer, I don’t want to have to read it on their faces.

    Life of a Doctor's Wife recently posted Monday Randomosity- Super Lame Domestic Thoughts Edition.

  79. Until tomorrow when the whole circle starts again.

    Mrs. Tuna recently posted The Chore Wheel of Death.

  80. One time at a Bible study, where everyone else’s spouse/s.o. was there except mine, I got into a little discussion with someone who is even more liberal than I (and that’s hard to come by) about whether the entire Bible is one big mythological exposition of our needs (he said yes, I said not entirely).

    Five seconds later another friend asked me where Kristi (my partner) was and I said to her (loudly), “Well, she’s actually just a big mythological exposition about my need for love. She doesn’t really exist.”

    Sadly, everyone got the joke but the gentleman with whom I’d been arguing…

    Emmy recently posted Gay marriage isn’t revolutionary It’s just the next step in marriage’s.

  81. For all you know, your neighbor’s are the Klopek’s…missing any Walters in your neighborhood?

    And I’m LMAO at Indigo…I am SO changing my router’s name tonight!

  82. @Emmy, if he thought the Bible was a mythological exposition of our needs…WHY was he in a Bible study group??? And what Bible study group are you in that you can have those kinds of conversations and not get stoned? Whenever I talk about my take on the Bible, my husband starts inching away from me because he says I’m gonna get struck down.

    Makes for a handier excuse than a headache…

  83. i always have a guilty conscience and go overboard to prove my innocence too. it’s a relief to see someone else do it, too.

    pattypunker recently posted shot in the ass.

  84. Now what you do is wait until you see them outside, then drag some big garbage bags around to the front of your house until you make eye contact with them. Then wave and just..slowly…drag them…back.

    Trust me. I haven’t had a Girl Scout Cookie solicitation in YEARS.

    moooooog35 recently posted Why I Am a Dog Person.

  85. I live in Tucson, and the horrible event that occurred on Saturday was in my neighborhood. In fact, my son was shopping in Safeway when the shooting began. Fortunately, he and other shoppers were immediately locked inside the store. Please go to my blog and read my current post on the killings. I want the world to know how I feel about what happened. Thank you.

    Judie recently posted HOW DARE YOU!!.

  86. they probably just eager to see if you are swingers and willing to swap….

    clevelandpoet recently posted The one with Hoth.

  87. Hilarious! You made my crappy day so much better. My hubs is in the military and when he would be deployed for long stretches at a time, I would think my neighbors probably think I was making him up. When I would see them, I would have to say he’s deployed *again* and not stuffed away in a box down in the basement.

    Elle recently posted What I thought would be a sweet children’s book has turned into a zombie nightmare.

  88. You insensitive clod! My wife was chopped up by an axe-wielding maniac.

    Oh, wait. That’s tomorrow.

    As you were.

    *whistles nonchalantly*

    Mr Farty recently posted Opposable Thumbs.

  89. The actual debate topic for dinner at our house one night was this gem.

    If Lucy The Dog poops in the basement, which is better to clean it up, a snowblower or a mulching lawnmower? Son went for the lawnmower, correctly pointing out that the snowblower lacks crosshairs and a laser sight for aiming at the window. Husband rightly asserted that that is a moot point if one opens the window but neglects to remove the screen. Had you been there and proposed a weed-whacker, you would have been laughed right out of the room.

    Aren’t you glad you don’t live with us? On the other hand, I think we would all get along just fine.

    kmkat recently posted Ten lights- the meme.

  90. I was almost saddled with a husband a few weeks ago. He changed his mind because he didn’t want to end up in a freezer in the basement. You can have him if you want, he can pretend to be Victor. You can have the freezer, too.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Atomic Batteries to Power- Turbines to Speed.

  91. OR she’s going to come over all furtively one day and ask you how – hypothetically speaking, of course – one would go about murdering and burying their husband.

    Lemon Gloria recently posted Watch your ass.

  92. They never came back again. Until they called the FBI, and one of those dogs that sniff around for bodies. Or maybe a telioscope. So they can stalk you from afar so they can write down EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE until Victor returns.

    No? That’s not how this ends? (We’ll see.)

    briya recently posted The things I do for my girls.

  93. Why can’t I have a neighbor like you. You are hysterical and I would have totally invited you and whatever is left of Victor over to play my Zombie game I got for Christmas. Also you would be acting all weird that a couple of lesbians are living next door.

    Jenn recently posted The Plague – Day 213.

  94. Ive always found the best way to get rid of a pesky neighbor, co-worker, relative or what have you, is to report them to Homeland Security for “suspicious behavior.” Just putting that out there.

    Holly B recently posted It Happens Every Night In My Bedroom.

  95. 95
    Carla (@chickmae)

    You’re hilarious! You are the woman I should have grown up to be.

  96. Can I hire to come over for like 15 minutes and scare the hell out of my snooping neighbors so they never try to look thru the blinds again?

    I’ll pay in Cocoa Puffs and poker lessons.

    Drizztdj recently posted 2011- The Search for Perry.

  97. that is the reason why i love halloween! the decorations are useful year round. they scare away the elderly, the sick, homeless, children and religious people. then again, when you have a corpse hanging on your entry way, people tend to avoid you. perfect place to store a dismembered body!

  98. “And then they never came back again.”

    If you don’t have a crawlspace, what did you do with their bodies? Did they have a crawlspace? And did you use their own shovel? That’s just cold.
    Does nobody in America have a basement? Why don’t Americans believe in basements?

    Neeroc recently posted How it works – biggest loser work edition.

  99. Excellent work! I must write down this method for any kind and normal neighbors who attempt to befriend me.

    Sara recently posted My dog is deaf and blind….

  100. Can you record the conversation the next time you talk to your neighbors?

    triplezmom recently posted Oprah and Jerry Springer.

  101. So, go over there in a few weeks when Victor is gone and look sweaty and disheveled and ask them if they have some thick yard waste garbage bags “…umm…3 mil if you got ’em”, some bleach, and oh, yeah, by the way, “do you have 600 lbs of lime? No reason, really, just curious.” Start to walk away and then say “Do you know if there is a burn ban right now?”

    Works every time. I promise.

  102. Am i really the only one thinking: poor neighbours……

  103. Well, how long ago was the last conversation? If it was yesterday and “they never came back again,” you might be in for a surprise tomorrow or the next day! 😉

    jenn @ t1 service recently posted More People Prefer FireFox over Internet Explorer.

  104. 104
    Procrastinateher

    The ironic twist is they’re actually like the elderly people in the movie “The Glow”, and are only waiting to murder you until they finally meet Victor because they need two victims. So Victor is actually saving your life by appearing non-existent to these people.

    And they thought you were weird…

  105. 105
    Pam up north

    My neighbors (cue banjo theme from Deliverence) all have shotguns hanging by their sides and simply stare when I drive by and wave. What I wouldn’t give for YOUR neighbors. AND, they have a BACKHOE…holy shit, I may have to move…

  106. I also popularized the term “douche canoe” in my group of friends. And once when I was texting I accidentally said “douche canon” which totally works too….

    ps. I second borrowing the shovel.

  107. Shut up, I think I just peed a little. 🙂

  108. Well *this* explains why MeeMaw needed a new Depends and PawPaw’s sudden desire to head to the post office just to “Take a gander at them wanted posters”.

    Sigh.

    They totally think you are Victor, in hiding, and that Hailey is a midget accomplice.

    Neither can decide if you’re a bank robber or the guy that’s been breaking into all the houses in the neighborhood.

    P.S. Don’t eat MeeMaw’s lemon bars. Just trust me on that one.

    Guilty Squid recently posted Seriously I need soup help So- yeah- that’s all this post is about.

  109. For that matter, I don’t believe he exists either. We only have YOUR word for it.

  110. I lived in a really crappy apartment for six months, during my exchange program in Portugal.
    The family that lived in the apartment above mine screamed and fought so much, they could make Quentin Tarantino blush.
    There were 5 of them: father, mother, grandma and two Satan boys. I love children, but those two were the hounds of hell, really. A lot of times the sounds coming from their house were so loud that I wondered if they were just trying to screw with me… it sounded like they were throwing their kids against the furniture while geese fought to death.
    What I hated the most about them was their dog. STUPID DOG. I love dogs, in fact, I love animals. But I wanted to stab that stupid dog in the face. It barked all the fucking time. It seemed to always know when I had a hangover, and in those mornings he chose to howl for HOURS. I COULDN’T SLEEP.

    The downstairs neighbour was a lovely elderly woman (94), who lived alone. She cleaned her home, washed her clothes and cooked all by herself, while listening to the radio and singing along to the music. She didn’t even sing loud enough to bother anyone.
    The only time she talked to me was to say “good morning”.

    The downside is she would hang her clothes in the area we shared, and everyday I passed by her beige huge underwear when I went to my classes. Usually she was there sweeping the floor, and I’d have put up my big girl face (“GOOD MORNING, WHAT A NICE DAY TO DAMAGE MY EYESIGHT FOREVER”) and say hello, while trying to walk away really quickly, but not quick enough to look impolite.

    So, between “Satanic Family” and “Big Panties” lied my apartment.
    I think that in a past life I told the Virgin Mary that baby Jesus was ugly and now God is punishing me.

  111. So…you have elderly neighbors who are so nice that they offer to lend you a shovel just after you suggested you might need to bury some bodies. And it really didn’t faze them. That’s a bit disturbing. Makes you kinda wonder what’s buried in their yard?

    kettletop recently posted Ghost Hat.

  112. Perhaps you could talk to my in-laws for me? Then they will never come back again either…or I could borrow your shovel…

  113. I’m pretty sure even if you tried to kill Victor, he’d just come back as a zombie.

    On second thought…maybe you should buy a shovel.

    ShiningLily recently posted To Re-enlist or not to Re-enlistthat is the question.

  114. I’m not so sure these are the kind of neighbors you want to get rid of…I mean they did offer to let you borrow a shovel AFTER you insinuated that your husband was dismembered, diced and crammed into a crawlspace in your house. I thought normal neighbors offered things like sugar…not shovels…for crafty dealings. Maybe they are crazed…or deranged…or maybe they can’t hear very well. Any way you slice it they seem to be on board with the whole Victor is causing way more problems than he’s solving and he should be taken out of the equation thing. And that whole never came back again assumption…might turn out to be you look out your window into the backyard at 3 am on a stormy night and a flash of lightning illuminates their creepy wizened faces, eyes locked on yours inside the house, and they are standing in a shallow ditch, shovels in hand, and then they just peel out on foot…

    I guess the whole point is, they are either really good neighbors who will let you borrow shit all the time…or they might have escaped from an asylum…either way you don’t want to burn that bridge.

  115. They will be peeking out of their windows to check your house for every single loud noise they hear for years! You and Victor could play with Nerf swords in the living room just for shits and giggles.

    Amanda recently posted Doesn’t he know who’s boss.

  116. @ Stoic, we have the pic of him carrying James Garfield. So I know he exists. Plus, we don’t stuff bodies under the crawl space in Texas. That’s the first place anyone would look. We barbecue them.

  117. I think you and I could have some interesting conversations. We’ll have to arrange that some time. I’ll have my people call your people.

    I also seriously want to meet your elderly neighbors. Anybody that can offer you a shovel right after you’ve said you’d use one to bury your imaginary husband scores big in my book.

    Chelle recently posted Snowmen can have babies too!.

  118. Will you come and be my neighbor? You would be SO much more fun than some of my current neighbors.

    Colleen recently posted Anniversary Flowers.

  119. They’re old. They’ll forget all about that conversation by the time Matlock is over.

  120. “me: I swear to God he really exists.”

    As I recall, we’ve been over this before haven’t we?
    *sigh*
    And you were making such progress…sort of.

    Brian recently posted Where banana seats came from Or- why coffee tables wink.

  121. Not sure why, but while I was reading about your neighbors, I kept visioning the American Gothic couple. But they guy totally had a metal detector instead of a pitch fork and she was wearing an Amish looking Easter like bonnet. I totally get the contradiction in my imagery. I need therapy.

    Tracey recently posted Lethargy or Just Lazy.

  122. Tracey – I was imagining the same, less metal detector. Weird.

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted F-cked Up Letters.

  123. Your neighbors will return when they realize that you can grow boob mushrooms in your lawn.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted That funky green cloud is my breath.

  124. dear lord, best line eve to get rid of the neighbours.

    I love how they kindly offered their axe to bury your husband….

    angelica recently posted on the old new years resolution Ill never eat again.

  125. The real question is, why do those elderly neighbors only come over when Victor is gone? I think they’re trying to get them summa you in some kind of weird kinky old people swingers scenario… you should make sure your axe is sharp!

    hoody hoo recently posted It Might Be a Good Idea If….

  126. You realize right that any time you and Victor fight loudly now, they’ll ponder calling the cops? 😛

    That would be priceless. If that ever happens GET IT ON VIDEO.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Erogenous Zones 2- Face.

  127. I’m glad to hear you are back to your normal, stabby self. Hope “Victor” is doing OK 🙂

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW- Science On A Sphere.

  128. My neighbors never offered to lend me anything. They must know that I inadvertently break things. Or forget to return things. Actually, I’m surprised my local library lends me anything, much less my neighbors.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Time After Time Or How Cyndi Lauper Kept Me From Posting For Three Whole Days.

  129. I can’t help but wonder if that technique could be adjusted to work on the political solicitors that run rampant anytime there’s an election… Can’t WAIT to try it out.

    Michelle recently posted Day 5- New Diet Regime.

  130. 130
    Kathleen Trail

    Well, if you & Victor need to get away for a romantic… or creepy, depending on your interpretation… vacation together after all that potential axe-wielding and crawl-space-stuffing, here’s a place to consider:

    http://www.boingboing.net/2011/01/11/trundle-manor-pennsy.html

  131. I’m guessing you edited your last line: “And then they never came back again….because I killed them.” (cut scene to you scrubbing blood off your hands.) It’s okay, Jenny. It was probably the only way to get the voices to stop. “Victor” would understand. Did you know Victor spelled backwards is Rot Civ? Maybe that’s short for Rotting Civilian? So you’re kind of like the Zodiac Killer of words instead of horoscopes?

    You don’t know where I live. Now that I’ve cracked your code, I’m surprisingly relieved and grateful for that.

    Tara recently posted Not really a new post.

  132. I myself would be more than happy if my neighbours would stop dropping by at the most inopportune moments, despite the fact that my husband is almost never out of town. They never come by to see him anyway, because he’s extremely anti-social and a terrible conversationalist.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Things can only get better Right.

  133. that is hysterical! old people kill me.

    carrie recently posted Camera photos.

  134. Imagine how fun the world would be if MORE people had conversations as off the wall as THAT!
    Heather Barton

    Heather Barton recently posted Too much of a GOOD thing.

  135. if only inflection worked as well as italicizing, then perhaps they would have gathered the sarcasm, laughed until they were 20 again, and high fived the shit out of you! From neighbors to bros: a suburban miracle!

  136. My small child was not behaving well in a store and another person did not like the way I handled it. I just looked at her and said, “At least this one has lasted longer than the last one I picked out at the park.” SHE RAN AWAY. IT was awesome. (and no, I was not hitting or hurting my child in any way.)

  137. @Brian way up top: Yes, there are still traveling vacuum salesmen. We bought one (after serious price haggling), and it rocks! Then again, our last vacuum was a piece of crap, so my perspective may be slightly skewed.

    There was an elderly couple who came to my house when I was a teenager wanting to share the word of God. I think they were Jehovah’s Witnesses. Maybe Mormons. Anyway, they asked for my name, and I made one up because I certainly wasn’t going to share with complete strangers. They came back a few days later. My parents answered the door. I saw them through the window, so I stayed out of sight. They asked for “Rose”, and my parents had no idea what they were talking about. They left before too long, and I bet they were probably wondering if senility was starting to set in.

  138. Yea…..I’m not buyin it. Where IS Victor these days? We haven’t seen him around. hmmmmmm.

    Sue recently posted Once Upon A Long Time Ago.

  139. hmmmm. You’ve planted a seed. Not a murderous one. Just to clarify….ahem.

    chickensconsigliere recently posted Im kind of interested in seeing those nude photos of Camille Grammer Does this make me a bad person Or is it just a little female jealousy.

  140. You could always introduce James Garfield to them as “Victor” next time.

  141. boy, you are too funny! i love your blog! i love that you torment your neighbors too.

    M. Meyers recently posted Hey- Ya’ll!.

  142. 142
    EveEnstler'sTwat

    Great, Jen.
    Now they think you’re Mormon.

    If they were to return . . . . you HAVE to hit on one of them, either one, it doesn’t matter which one.
    It’s the principle that counts.

  143. I had a similar conversation with an elderly stranger at the Las Vegas airport about a golf club bag vs a dead body stuffed in there from across the country. I think I scarred him for life, but at least he politely laughed.

    Dani recently posted Crime Watch Wednesday - You Cant Ring My Bell- Even If I Asked You To.

  144. I believe Victor exists… because you say he does. Neighbour relations are highly overrated. When my husband and I first bought our house, the people next door starting gossiping about us and speculating we were noisy party animals who were going to bring down the neighbourhood because of the vehicle we drove. Pfft… I was happy to disappoint them!

    Also the crawl space has been done… go for using plastic wrapped Victor parts to fill your deep freeze. Just clearly mark them so you don’t think you’re thawing prime rib for supper.

    Come to think of it, maybe my neighbours were on to something…

    Beth recently posted Looking Back - 2010 in Photos.

  145. […] my dear friend, Jenny, The Bloggess, a couple of days ago I found the blog of a young lesbian who is in seminary on the ordination […]

  146. hilarious…………where is victor?………you didn’t actually say……

    Bernadette recently posted 28 yrs and counting.

  147. Hey Dani, that reminds me of a time my husband went to pick up a rental car at the airport and joked that the trunk was big enough to hold three bodies. The rental agent was not amused and REFUSED to rent him the car. Some people are too literal.

  148. hahaha This story reminds me of a conversation I had with a guy at the bar. I was being my normal, awkward self, but it seemed like he was still interested. Then I started making a joke about sleeping with a homeless man, and things got very weird. It’s best to know your audience. I have to remind myself daily.

    Mads recently posted Giveaway winner!.

  149. I’m pretty sure I just peed myself.

  150. Lol just too funny that would only happen to you

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