In my defense, I’m not that bright.

A series of voicemail messages I listened to a year and a half after they were sent because I don’t know how my phone works:

Yvonne: Argh.  This lady at the drugstore just coughed H1N1 all over my daughter.  Call me in 4 months when you actually get this.  I’m sure we’ll still be friends then.  Probably.

me (leaving myself a message when I couldn’t find my journal to write in): Why don’t people use “let’c” as a contraction for “lettuce”?  It would save time.  This is me, by the way.  Not future-me though.  Just regular me.  Hope we’re doing well.

My sister: Hey, someone in our family died but I’m not telling you over voicemail because that would be weird.  But you’re never going to get this because you never listen to your voicemails. It’s like I’m sending a time-capsule into space that no one will ever find.  I though you were supposed to be the responsible one.

My sister again: It’s mom’s birthday today.  I’m calling to remind you.  You owe me.

me again: Hi.  This is just me pretending to be on the phone so that I don’t have to make eye contact with the crazy lady on Main who’s always talking to herself.  Except that technically I’m calling myself to leave myself a message so I’m basically doing the same thing.  Fuck. I bet this is just how the crazy lady got started.

My sister again: It’s daddy’s birthday today.  I’m calling because you said that I didn’t remind you about mom’s birthday even though I totally did.  Does this phone even work?

My sister again: Hey, did you know it’s your birthday?  My guess is “no” since I didn’t remind you.

me (leaving a message to myself again): If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die?  Do you have to pay extra for the death pedicure?  I should get a tattoo on my chest that says “Put me in feetie-pajamas when I die”.  That way I’m warm and I’m saving money.

me again:  Okay, I just remembered that I don’t have any feetie-pajamas and it would suck if right before I died I ballooned up to like 500 pounds and Hailey was all “HER DYING WISH WAS TO HAVE FEETIE PAJAMAS” but they can’t find any in my size and so she spends all her time looking for enormous feetie-pajamas when she should just be taking care of herself.  Now I’m all depressed.  Forget the tattoo.  The tattoo was a terrible idea.

Victor: WHY DON’T YOU EVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE?

me (leaving a message to myself again): I was calling to remind you to write something funny about birds but then I got distracted by my own voice on the answering machine and now I don’t remember what I was going to say.  It was about birds, I think…?  Crap.  I lost it.  Way to go, us.

my sister again: It’s mom’s birthday today.  Honestly, I don’t even know why I try.

Laura: Okay, why do you even have a phone?

117 thoughts on “In my defense, I’m not that bright.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I actually leave myself voicemails like that too. Well, no, not really. I leave myself notes. And they’re only half coherent. Like one currently says “Freak out Freak out next thursday 2pm.” This has been in my phone for a few months.

    …Yeah.

  2. Obviously, you have a phone so you can explain things to yourself in the future. You’ll probably save the world one day and nobody will even know. I don’t see why you need to explain this to people, it’s so obvious.

  3. I leave myself messages to pump myself up like “Go get ’em today” or “If you play your cards right, someone might just want to use you for your body today” or “Make today your bitch, sexy lady”…stuff like that. Then, I forget I left them and when I check them, it’s on.

  4. Hahahaha. Those are some amazing voice mails.
    & For everyone’s knowledge, just in case: feetie-pajamas can be found at Target, especially at Christmastime.

  5. You should try leaving the voicemails to yourself in code, then see if you can remember the code in a year when you finally listen to your message.

    P.S. I’m pretty sure your daughter could teach you how to access your voicemails if you just gave her 5 minutes with the phone. My boyfriend’s 3 year old taught him how to use his iPhone. No joke.

  6. So what’s the outgoing message? If you still haven’t set it up, ask the offspring. It’s why we became breeders. It was in my birth plan.

  7. I lost my password to my work phone almost 2 years ago. I’m determined to get the password reset. I pray that my messages are as funny and insightful as yours. (Who am I kidding!?! Can I convince you to leave me a message at work?)

  8. I haven’t checked my voicemail in over two years. After reading this I’m tempted to actually call the phone company so I can get my password reset. No. Still too lazy…

  9. When I got my phone, I had to get my husband (who is smart, at least when it comes to phone technology), to record the following message: You have reached Carolyn’s phone. Please don’t leave her a message because one, she won’t know how to get her messages, and two, if she does get a message she’ll bug me to get it for her, and then I might have to kill her. Just call her later. Thanks.

  10. Every month for at least the past 2 years I get the same message on my cell phone in one of those “text languages” that I can’t understand so I just delete it. I could be the winner of a million dollars or something but I’ll never know,and at this point I’m too lay to figure it out. So, I win. I guess?

  11. I am really happy that your sister gave you a year full of reminders about your mom’s birthday so that you were able to prove that this truly was a year full of voicemails you weren’t listening to. I also love that you left yourself the most messages, yet you never listened to them, thus, blowing yourself off for a whole year. If that were me I would totally break up with myself.

  12. I meant I’m too lazy to figure it out. Jesus, did I just invent a new shorthand? It’s like the fucking circle-of-life.

  13. When I got my phone, I had to get my husband (who is smart, at least when it comes to phone technology), to record a message for when people call. This is the message. No lie:

    You have reached Carolyn’s phone. Please don’t leave her a message because one, she won’t know how to get her messages, and two, if she does get a message, she’ll bug me to get it for her till I can’t stand it, and then I might have to kill her. Just call her later. Thanks.

    Nice huh?

  14. I hate calling myself. It’s always vaguely unsettling to hear your own voice on the voicemail. Never sounds like you and for a split second (I can never help it) I just think ‘who the hell got ahold of my phone?! I didn’t give some strange woman permission to–OH.’ And then I feel like I’m dumb and it’s my fifteenth birthday all over again I don’t wanna talk about it.

  15. I’ve given up hope of ever contacting my own sister. It’s only voicemail and her husband deletes them as soon as he hears “It’s Aunt Steph”….

    Assholes.

    Can’t pick yer family. Well, except for your husband I guess.

    And you are SO headed for crazy cat lady territory, Jenny.

  16. Ooops! and sorry, i posted it twice. I had it wrong. I only know this because I called myself to listen to the message that I thought I knew verbatim. I was close, but not exactly right!

  17. I actually tell people on the message to text me if they want to get through to me. I figure those who don’t pay attention, aren’t worth my time.

  18. This has to be a side effect of being named Jen/Jenny/Jennifer.

    Because my best friend Jen? Does the same thing. Only her VM gets full and then the recording says her VM hasn’t been set-up yet. Which is actually pretty considerate of them, because my paranoia would kick in and be all, “Oh my God, she totally has other friends that she likes better and they are all calling each other all the time and I’ve been pushed out by VOICEMAIL.”

    I send myself texts and emails. I’d never recognize my own voice, and I’d wonder who it was calling and telling me what I was JUST thinking.

    I mentioned I have some paranoia issues, right?

  19. emily illinois – not to be gauche, but those are NOT footie pajamas. Last Christmas I searched the webs for matching family footie pajamas (toddler to adult) and the only company I found was in Canada: Snug as a Bug. Now I do a search for adult footie pajamas and they’re everywhere! Didn’t check to see if any had matching family ones though, maybe that was the challenge when I searched. Thing is, we live in Michigan and it gets pretty cold – but apparently no where near Canada cold because those pajamas are roasters! We couldn’t wear them for long, and forget about sleeping in them! Probably best to bring them camping… or save them for when there’s no heat during the zombie war…

  20. Why do you have a phone? Does Laura even know you at all? You have a phone so you can tweet to your followers when you’re having a panic attack so someone nearby will slip you Xanax and booze or kittens under the stall in the bathroom where you’re hiding out during blogging conferences. Obviously.

  21. I hate hearing my own voice. It makes me want to cut my vocal chords out and pretend they belong to someone famous and also dead, and sell them on eBay for lots of money and get rich and make it so I never have to hear my own voice again.

    Target carries feetie pajamas for big people (that’s what I call “adults” because I don’t believe most people fall into that category) and also there is a site called… (Googling…) http://www.footedpajamas.com/ -go figure- that has a ton of different options. But I am still not sure if you ballooned up to 500 pounds Hailey would be able to find anything big enough for you, so the tatoo is still a bad idea.

  22. Voicemail is so two thousand and late, in the immortal and wise words of Fergie. I don’t know why people leave voicemails anymore. If no one answers, just text the information. Or wait for them to call you back! There’s this new thing called Caller ID and Call Log. We know you called!!! And, for God and Baby Jesus’s sake, don’t leave a voicemail saying, “Hey, just wanted to let you know that I called!” Duh! AND! It’s such a pain to have to call voicemail. I have to listen to some robot woman telling me to press this button and that button and enter 37 passwords I can’t remember. They might as well leave a message that says, “Hi, I’m here to inconvenience you and put one more stupid thing on your list of things to do today in addition to the actual thing I was calling about. KThxBye.”

    If I ever run for political office, my platform would totally be the abolishment of voicemail. Is abolishment a word? It is now.

    Forget gun control, the death penalty and all those other lame controversial topics. NO NEW VOICEMAIL IN 2012!!!

    Well, and as John Cusack points out, we will probably all be dead or on some water spacecraft banging up against glaciers and mountains in 2012. I don’t think Verizon’s network would get four bars there. So, maybe I should start campaigning earlier.

  23. I love my mom’s voicemail messages.

    On her cell phone… almost angry, “Please DO NOT leave a message on this phone. Just call back!”

    On her home phone… this time defensive and a wee sarcastic, “blah blah blah…. I’m SO SORRY IF my inability to get to the phone has INCONVIENCED YOU in ANY WAY…. blah blah blah blah blah blah “(seriously, it is like 12 minutes long)

    She actually resisted the cell phone for years and when my sis or I would suggest she get one, she argued “But BOB BARKER doesn’t have a cell phone or a computer.”
    (I thought that you would like that, since it was the original name of the giant headed kitten. Is his head really that big? Or did the picture distort it?)

    I would respond, “Well Mom, Bob Barker is 176 years old. He probably still carves messages into stone tablets.”

  24. LOL. It’s like they actually know you. Next time hubby bitches about me not answering my phone, I’m linking him to this. Because I may not log into my phone at work and I might often have my cell on vibrate, but my unheard vmails expire after 30 days. That way, it NEVER happened.

  25. When we moved to our new house (6 years ago), the land line came with an integrated voice mail system, which we never learned to use. We had an answering machine, so who cared? Right? Well, it turns out when the answering machine is busy the line transfers over to the voice mail, along with other random times. So, we have six years of voice mails stacking up in cyberspace and I have no idea how to retrieve them, nor do I want to. You wanna do it for me?

  26. BTW, not to nag, but aren’t you a bit behind on the “Things I did when I wasn’t here” post? Maybe you didn’t do anything, being laid up with RA and all. I’m sorry I asked.

  27. When I was reading this, I couldn’t help hearing it in a dramatic Shatner monologue voice. I’m probably the only one, but that doesn’t make it less hilarious.

  28. Here’s what I know about the dead pedicure question, usually they only have the top part of the casket opened for viewings. But with that said my grandmother who always had fabulous nails had hers done for her wake, so I imagine if you die with a great set of legs they’d do a pedicure for you.
    If you haven’t gotten the chance yet watch the TV series Six Feet Under (netflix).
    I will most definitely be cremated.

  29. You’re at least one step further than my hubby because your voicemail actually works. We bought our new phones a couple weeks ago and he hasn’t even set up the voicemail part even though he can do it on the screen and not even listen to the annoying computer voice.  Although, it does means he doesn’t have to hear messages like these wondering why he even has a phone which I would probably inevitably leave him because he doesn’t answer. Hmm. Maybe there’s a method to all this after all.

  30. This is exactly why I have Caller ID so I can tell when it’s me calling myself.

    Guy leaves the most bizarre messages. I have enough stalkers as it is without including myself.

  31. Make your daughter, like, your chief of staff. She can retrieve your voice mails and tell you whether they are important. She can probably even reply in your voice to some of the more routine ones. And make sure your agent knows you have a chief of staff. He’ll read your book and get you a deal faster.

  32. The opposite happens to me. Here in Germany, no one listens to voicemail, so no one leaves it. Except me. So, I call hubby and leave a detailed message. He calls me back 2 hours later cuz he sees I’ve phoned and says, “Yes, dear. What do you need?” and I scream, “I left you a freakin’ message!” Same thing with my kids. Now I just text everyone and bypass talking altogether (and my vocal cords have never been happier.)

  33. My hubs has the same problem with his text messages. The sad part is, you don’t even need a password for his text box. All you have to do is arrow to it. He still can’t figure it out.

  34. Okay, so am I the only one who saves voicemail messages in case the person who left them dies?

    And then bravely erases them as a life-affirming Statement of Trust in the Universe?

    I am?

  35. Sometimes, like now, I just wish you’re actually making all or most of these things up, because if you aren’t, you just missed 4 birthdays and a funeral.

    So, to clarify, you should totally make a movie about missing 4 birthdays and a funeral.

  36. Haha nice, so what was the big break in the case that helped you figure it out?

    I don’t know why I even have voicemail on my phone. I can’t ever get past, “hey Swaff, it’s (MESSAGE DELETED.)

  37. Okay – I was reading your blog, but I thought I was reading a different blog and I was thinking – “Geez, this is really funny. Why doesn’t he always write this funny?” Then I realized that it was your blog and suddenly everything made sense again.

  38. I think these should be ringtones. Especially “Honestly, I don’t even know why I try” and “Why don’t you ever answer your phone?” But also “I bet this is just how the crazy lady got started”

    Also, NPR has a show where the prize you win is Carl Castle on your outgoing answering machine message. But now I’m thinking that you on an outgoing answering machine message would also make an excellent prize.

  39. I don’t listen to messages either, but I do save some. I’m pretty sure the only thing on there right now is from my exboyfriend and he called me while sitting right next to me and said “You’re a Jew” except for I’m not and I also didn’t remember him leaving that message when I heard it later.

    We were very drunk.

  40. My voicemail message is, “If you don’t hang up in five seconds, your appendix will self destruct.” I only get messages now from people without appendixes which is an elite crowd. What can I say, I’m an elitist…or biologically prejudiced.

  41. You want PajamaCity.com. I don’t even have to order the largest size, so they’ll definitely fit you if you get all bedridden-fat. But you’ll want to order them taller than your height. There’s truly nothing less flattering than thong feetie pajamas.

  42. You should really start sending yourself texts instead. Then if you can figure out what the small envelope icon means, Hailey will be able to show them to you while their contents might still be useful.

  43. Best accidental time capsule EVER.

    I would probably leave myself voicemails if I knew how to do it from my own cell phone. I’ve tried to convince my husband into getting one of those little old school recorders for my birthday this year, but he thinks the tapes would be really hard to find. I think he’s just lazy and wants to keep wining arguments because I can’t ever remember if I (supposedly) said something or not.

  44. the iphone solved all of my problems. But then it wouldn’t be so funny, so don’t change anything! thank you!! hilarious!
    thegrommom.

  45. I used to leave voicemail messages for myself, but now I send myself emails.

    And I only check the voicemail messages once ever other month. People really shouldn’t bother calling my home phone because I never know where it is. Or my cellphone, because I don’t answer it. I only have a cellphone so I can send myself email messages.

  46. I get really annoyed when I check my voicemail and the caller hung up without leaving a message, then I check caller ID and it was from myself. Nice going, me. Asshole.

  47. my phone is conspiring against me to make me look even crazier than I actually am. The other day, it sent a text to Chuckweasel that said “I’m on my way” — and he was needless to say confused, because he had the car. Turns out the phone had just randomly pulled a text from months ago and sent it. I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP, PHONE!

  48. I know how to check mt messages. I just don’t want to. I’m afraid it’ll be some one asking me to make a return phone call, and I hate doing that because they might ask me to do things.

    Long story short, I’ll listen to your message, but I won’t return your calls. I’m kind of a jerk that way.

  49. I’m pretty sure if I checked the voicemail on my home phone there would be messages from years ago too. I never bother to check it.

  50. Do you return your own calls? If you do, do you talk to yourself “live” and how difficult is that?

    On another note, can we start a feetie pajama movement?…our slogan can be, “Feetie Pajamas All Day, Everyday.” Just say yes my friends, just say yes. Think of how much money we will save in shoes…and dead person pedicures of course. No high heeled feetie PJ’s either. Just comfort and expansion capabilities from all angles.

  51. Our home phone has a new voice mail that I haven’t checked yet. It was reset about… 3 months ago? I just use the caller id, though! If I don’t know your number, then I don’t want to talk to you anyway.

    I wonder what free vacation deals I’ve missed out on because I haven’t responded…

  52. I about spit out my coffee while reading this!
    And it would not have been a tragic waste of coffee as it would any other time I spit it out, because you’re funny. So spit out coffee, when combined with your blog, is like a quality sacrifice to the blog gods, not a damn shame. Wine though? Hmmm…..
    I also leave voicemails for myself. None nearly as clever as yours.
    And I do post it note reminders on the door at my eye level as well so when I walk out of the house, I remember something. I’m only 5’2, so the post its are at like waist level for average people. Which wouldn’t help them, but hey, they’re my post its anyway so suck it up, buttercups.
    Technically, this post it system should work in theory, but I’m apparently not so bright either cuz I’ve forgotten the existence of the post its by the time I’m in my car.
    And I don’t want to put the post its on my windshield, because logically you’d have to be able to *see* to drive.
    So I’m not sure where to put my post its now to make them effective reminders.
    Any suggestions would be welcome.

  53. I NEVER even thought about pedicures and open toed shoes at funerals. Damn. Now I’ll have to always have footie pajamas on hand, just in case. Thanks.

  54. In an attempt to entertain my 2 year old son, I let him play with my phone. Now I have a voice reminder note on my phone that I NO IDEA how to retrieve or delete. Problem is that my son isn’t talking yet so he can’t help me…maybe in another couple of years I can find out what it says. Who am I kidding? I will have a new phone by then.

  55. I know how to use my phone, and I even know how to retrieve voicemail, but I hate retrieving voicemail (the woman’s voice is so damn creepy), so I clear off the envelope and then I forget about it. Forever.
    Until someone tells me that they can’t leave me a voicemail because the box is full. Then I go through them all, and find a half-dozen calls from my mother, telling me that she has some important news for me and I need to call her back ASAP.
    This causes quite the drama– I know I’ve talked to her since then, but what if she forgot, just like me? Can I call her and say, “The six important voicemails you’ve left me over the past three months– what were those, please?”
    Or I will find out that I missed my chance for free concert tickets with a friend.
    Or I will finally find out the oral surgeon’s phone number from my son’s dentist.
    Can an individual hire a personal assistant just to listen to voicemail?
    Why can’t voicemail be more like post-it notes? Post-it notes work for me.
    Shit, perhaps text messages are like post it notes, and I should check those more often, too.

  56. I have no idea how to leave myself a message on my own phone. Do you call your own number from your own phone? You may not be too bright but I am dimmer, apparently.

  57. –>I never answer my phone and my family and friends have finally learned they need to email or IM me so I respond on the Same Phone I just ignored that was ringing. Darwin would say that they have adapted to ME. I so win.

  58. I’m just as bad.

    I had one from my friend, Abe, once that say “Hey, me and Mary are headed over to Ford’s Theater to see ‘Our American Cousin’. It’s gonna be epic! Call when you get this.”

  59. I’m just as terribad with voicemails on my cell. I found one recently from 2 years ago. It was like the Ghost of Voicemail Past, come to haunt me.

  60. Two nights ago my husband was on his phone, and I asked “Who are you talking to?” He says, “you.” I’m all “WTF?” He says, “Yeah, I’m checking all the voicemails you’ve left me over the last few months. Good news, you love me and we need milk.”

    I had this strange feeling of being cheated on with myself. : /

  61. My problem is with the outgoing message…… especially at work. We make fun of my Glass company with different accents. My favorite is Asian because you can say “sank u fro carring Absorute Grass, we no here now u carr back rater”. So when it needs to be changed I get stuck and cant get it out of my mouth with out the accents, so then it ends up saying “thank you for carring….wait shit start over” sometimes this goes on for a while.

    Love reading you…….

  62. What’s really amazing about all of this is….your sister still talks to you! Bless her heart, the woman is a saint.

  63. It was my lifelong dream to find adult feetie pajamas too, and I never could find them, though I can’t realy say I looked all that hard – I never googled them or anything, it would just occur to me when i was in the pajama dept at Macys and stuff. A few weeks ago I found two pair of Joe Boxer adult feetie pajamas and was excited for exactly 30 seconds until I realized a. that it would be creepy to actually wear them and b. It would make getting up 3 times a night to pee more annoying than it already is. It was a great 30 seconds though.

  64. I never pick up the phone when I call, and I never call myself back. I’m always there, waiting for my phone calls, and then I cry because I don’t know whether I think of myself that way– do I like me, or do I like like me, or do I just think I’m that weird girl who never lets up…?

    None of this is very good for my self esteem. Great, Deb, now it’s my fault I’m so depressed and low-confidence in my relationship with myself. Now can I please stop calling? IT’S SO OVER!

  65. Dont worry girl…no matter how much weight you gain, there is someone out there that will have you covered with a kick-ass invention that involves laziness and comfort!

    http://www.jumpinjammerz.com/

    BTW I found your blog, went back to the beginning to catch up and I have to tell you…I think we may be Soulmates! And not the stupid romance kind but the awesome you-could-instantly-be-my-bff kind. So you should definitely think about moving to Fort Worth so we could work that out. I’ll share my anxiety meds. Think about it.

  66. http://www.cushzilla.com/shop/cushzilla-funny-costume-pjs-for-adults/

    You can overlook the lack of built-in feeties because with the money you’ll save by going to a taxidermist instead of a mortician, you can buy coordinating socks… the fuzzy ones.
    Of course then you wouldn’t be displayed in an expensive casket for your wake either. Depending on which animal you chose, you’d be posed in some sort of diorama depicting its natural habitat. But driftwood, moss, hot glue and styrofoam are all available at your local craft store, and if you use a coupon, they’re a real bargain.
    Better yet, if you chose the panda, you could have a “destination wake”, and make all your mourners prove how much they loved you by schlepping to China. On their dime. Just tell the taxidermist you want a Kung-Fu pose and have all your loved ones meet you on the Great Wall.
    Or you could choose the hamster, get a giant plastic bubble, and take the wake on tour… but then Victor would have dress as a hamster too, and join you in the bubble (to actually make it move *because dead hamsters can’t run*). Either that, or you’d have to be re-animated somehow with robot parts (talk to those zhu zhu people) and zombie blood/voodoo, which despite “Bloggess Wake-N-Roll Tour” t-shirt sale profits, could start to get expensive.

    Nah, you’re better off with closed toe shoes.

    OMG I WANT THAT. ~ Jenny (bloggess)

  67. I just love that you keep leaving yourself messages, even though you know you never check them. It’s as if you’re making a bid for your own attention, and then refusing to give it to….you.

    When I got divorced, I read everything I could find on what makes marriages successful. Bids for attention, and one’s partner responding with that attention is very important. Jenny, if you were married to yourself, this would never work.

  68. LOL, what a great post! I personally dislike phones, and never answer mine. I receive similar v-mails but…. it doesn’t take me a year and a half to listen to them. Maybe a day or two – but I don’t call anyone back =-D

  69. It was your nieces birthday on Tuesday. I forgot to remind you. Let’c just leave this as an early reminder for next year.

  70. No one leaves me voicemails like this. Totally unfair.

    Actually, no one leaves me voicemails at all because I never check them so all my friends and family figured out the fact that they’re better off texting me.

    Your friends and family must not be as smart as my friends and family. Or they just don’t actually want to talk to you. Or you don’t check your texts either so they don’t know what the fuck to do.

  71. Finally we can solve the mystery of the woman talking on a cell phone in a 1920’s Charlie Chaplin movie! It’s really future time-traveling you, back in time, leaving yourself a message for the present! You should check your messages again.

  72. Fucking hysterical! You are an evil genius! Okay you aren’t really evil but who wants to be a Lovely and delightful genius?

  73. Had to get a new cell a few months back and never bothered to set up voice mail. I don’t Ever use voice features on the phone (deaf). People that know me text. And yet, within days of owning the phone I still had 5 mystery voicemails. They are increasingly likely to remain a mystery. (No one I’ve asked wanted to retrieve them and I am not very motivated to learn their contents.)

    On the footie pajama note: Would these be better than suspenders in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse?

  74. Husband hijacked my cell phone and put a message on it so that now when people call it says: You’ve reached Mary’s cell phone. She will never call you back. You can leave a message, but why?

    He would be such an asshole if this wasn’t completely true.

    If only I were smart enough to change the message.

  75. I am so bad at answering my cell phone or listening to voicemails. After I changed my number, my dumb cell phone company deleted my voicemail so nobody can leave a message and I can’t set it up b/c it won’t accept my password. I called them up but they told me only my hubby is on the account and he “never has time” to call. Now that people can’t leave a message, I want my voicemail back. But I know when I get it back, I’ll never listen to it. Yes, I know I’m totally rambling and not making any sense. I should have just said blah blah blah, meow meow, bark. That would have made more sense.

  76. I think I’m the lady on Main and you are totally correct. That is exactly how I got started. I want to welcome you. You’re in good company!

  77. Wait a minute! There’s voicemail on our phones? Really? Is that what that blinking light is? I thought those blinking lights were there to just make me happy.

    Crap. God only knows what I’ve missed while I’ve been busy enjoying the blinking light.

  78. Jumpin Jammerzhas awesome footed pajamas! I bought my whole family their own one Christmas and I made them wear them all day. Also, you can get them with bum flaps so you never have to take them off. But be careful because after a few days it just turns into one giant stink sack.

  79. We upgraded to Uverse and got the whole deal – phone, TV, internet – probably about 8 months ago.

    The phone part comes with voice mail but I have no idea what the code is to check it.

    Sometimes I feel badly about all those messages out there that I have never cared enough to listen to. Other times, I laugh manically and think “SUCKERS!!!”

    I know how to check my cell phone voice mail, but I still don’t.

    Voice mail basically sucks. Except for inspiration to write a blog post! Genius.

    Now I just might go check it.

  80. I get the same messages – nearly anyway. I send emails and texts to myself instead of calling. I have, on more than one occasion, use the phone to fake a conversation and avoid the latest “save the trees/children/etc” notebook-carrying money askers when I am walking around on my lunch break.

  81. This may be kind of morbid, but a friend of mine was actually buried in footie pajamas. I am a bit ashamed to say I busted out laughing when I walked into the funeral. Before me: a grown man (and famous class clown) in PJ’s. It really helped us all feel a bit better during an otherwise horribly depressing event.

  82. You should continue to do it.

    Whimsical illustrations next to these messages. One page per message.

    Best, most innovative idea, for a gift/coffee table book ever!

  83. Jenny, the words “feetie-pajamas” tattooed on your chest is the most erotic thing I can imagine. (I’ll admit I have some bizarre fetishes.) You’ve given me a mental image that will probably be part of my sexual fantasies for months.

    The only thing more arousing would be you actually wearing feetie-pajamas, lying in a coffin. Especially if the front of the feetie-pajamas is unzipped, revealing your tattoo. Okay, now I’d better take a cold shower.

  84. My wife used to pester me about writing things down on sticky notes and putting them on my computer. Since I have a laptop that I use exclusively, this would look pretty silly. Then I discovered that Macs actually have a postie program.

    It is useful for making yellow splotches on the screen with some words on them I never read. At least they don’t fall off.

  85. I don’t ever listen to my voicemails either. I think there’s a happy birthday voicemail on my phone from like 3 years ago.

  86. I’m a little behind on your blogs so I was just catching up. However, somehow my brain combined your Flying Squirrels post with one of your messages to yourself…you should definitely (probably) get the Flying Squirrel PJ’s, then you can just be buried in that. Even though your feet will still be exposed, they’ll be distracted by the awesomeness of your choice in death garments to really give a crap if you have huge callouses on your feet and knobby, unpolished toes.

    …I should charge for this kind of advice!

  87. My mother is always complaining that I never answer my phone or listen to my messages. I say just don’t call me if you’re dying because, you know. Sucks to be you.

    Also? Your sister is awesome. Could not stop laughing.

  88. Nicole Hollander used to do fabulous cartoon voice-mails. I’m a fan of second-hand phones, and they usually come with voice-mail included, since previous owners who charge the cheapest prices are usually too damned stupid to know how to clear them. This can be a bonus–my boss brought me a phone from his ex-girlfriend. It had seventy or so messages from her ex, who was a member of a family of burglars and crooked cops who made my last neighborhood a small suburb of Hades. Blackmail opportunities abound!

  89. So I just did the same thing the other day because my inbox was full and for some reason this annoyed my friends because apparently they’re incapable of sending me a text when they need me. Most of my messages were from this old man that I didn’t know who was mistakenly calling my phone over and over asking for someone named Susan. I felt like I was eavesdropping on his life, because he kept talking about some family reunion-ish sounding trip and how it was really fun and he’s home safely how Susan never called him when he got back. Get with the program Susan.

    You’d think he’d know it wasn’t my phone, because I say it’s “Jessica’s phone” in my voicemail message.

  90. My favorite!! If dead people want to wear open toed shoes in their caskets do the morticians give them a pedicure or are you just stuck with however your feet looked when you die? Do you have to pay extra for the death pedicure?

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