I spent all this morning at the container store buying stuff to organize the house with but now I’m too exhausted to actually organize and all the boxes of organizational shit are sitting by my Christmas tree taunting me. Also, yes, I still have my Christmas tree up, because if I take it down before April the Christmas tree wins. Also, I’ve been using it to throw clothes on when they come out of the dryer because that way you get less wrinkles on them. It’s like using hangers, but easier and more festive. Stop judging me.
**********
Let’s begin the weekly wrap-up, shall we?:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
- Let’s Panic about babies.
- The post where I finally breakdown and join in the angsty internet drama of Friday afternoon.
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
- Grew a mustache.
- Totally won all of the Bloggie awards I was nominated for and even some I wasn’t nominated for. I felt really bad for sweeping the awards though so I paid a hacker to go in and change the bloggies website to show that I didn’t win anything. I’m like some kinda goddam saint.
- Noticed on Buzzfeed that the outrage about Corey Haim not being on the Oscar memorial reel was surging in popularity and I was all “Hell, yes. So it’s not just me who thought that was a big bunch of bullshit” and then I clicked on it and realized the story was about how me and four other people were pissed off. True story.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the always-awesome Gaggle of Chicks, who you’ve heard of before because I talk about them all the time. I blame the OCD. And the fact that they have super cheap deals on shit I can buy without leaving the house. It’s nice to find a business that unintentionally supports my personal brand of mental illness.
People always seem to be taking you seriously, do they not understand satire?
I was FORCED to take down our Christmas tree around Valentines day. It was sad and depressing. I usually like to leave it up till my birthday in May, because then I can demand that people leave presents under my ‘Birthday Tree’.
It worked once.
Heck, hang some brightly colored eggs on that tree and call it an Easter tree….
We had our Christmas tree up through most of January and if my husband didn’t take it down I know it would still be there. Also I still have a bowl of Halloween reject candy still sitting on a shelf by the door. I predict it will be waiting for the kids by the time Halloween rolls around this year.
This sorta was a week for Internet drama, wasn’t it?
~EdT.
“Also, yes, I still have my Christmas tree up, because if I take it down before April the Christmas tree wins.”
– Or maybe is one of those rare cases where you can retort “damn right!” to the cliched question of “are you waiting for Christmas”.
I’m still mad that they didn’t include Farrah Fawcett last year. True story.
It is wrong that Corey Haim wasn’t in this year’s memorial reel.
Who is in charge of putting that thing together, anyway? idiot.
LOVE that you don’t let the Christmas tree win. Good call.
Okay, I’m embarrassed of how many times I used ‘still’ in my comment. It should become a drinking game.
Well, after the husband and I had that giant row where he played the faith card in order to guilt me into NOT buying an artificial tree I did have to concede that ruining my Jewish husband’s Christmas with plastic pine needles would have made me a bad wife.
So at the point where the thing was threatening to ignite solely from sunlight coming in through the windows we took it down.
There’s just something about panties on a Christmas tree that say, Oh Holy Night.
Oh, and the Japanese first kiss? Should be shown to all young girls thinking about fooling around with boys late at night, alone in a park. Cuz that’s what happens to the “easy’ girls.
Oh, and again…your boobs are TOTALLY awesomely distracting. Sort of mesmerizing, really.
Just leave the Christmas tree up. Then you can just be festive all year long. I leave my lights up year-round even though I never remember to turn them on.
For the record, I don’t think it’s wrong to be angsty. I have a really bad left knee (Old pirate injury) and have often resorted to using wheelchairs/etc. People look at me like I’m a dick because I don’t look 500… like only ancient people are allowed to lack mobility. I wonder how those people would look if my knee gave out and all 6’2″ of my glorious self plunged headfirst into their shark tank unleashing a sharkapocalypse! I bet my electric chair is much less harmful than 300 pissed off giant fish running around eating everyone!
I’ve been wondering who started the hot new trend of wearing pine-needle-studded clothing.
“lol” – yes, that *is* unfortunate. lol …and lol .
If you take the tree down, the tree wins since you lose the wardrobiness. The organizers can be mock presents underneath that you can store crap in. New game for family: put a present away!
if you don’t organize on the same day you go to the container store, you will probably never organize. It’s a sad fact, but good luck…I’m still ‘spring cleaning’ from last year…
Now I really dont feel as bad…my tree is still up too. All my Christmas shit is packed up, just haven’t gotten it up in the attic yet. My tree is still standing tall and proud in the corner of my living room. The boxes are just a part of the decor now! LOL
My roommate still has our Christmas tree up. Her Christmas tree up. I’d take it down but it’s plastic and I don’t know where the ornaments go or the tree goes or… anything.
What’s worse is that her cat keeps eating the tree. I’d like to say that she’s just gnawing on it but no, she’s picking off the green fake plastic bristles and swallowing them, because this cat is not the sharpest crayon in the box. My roommate doesn’t seem to care.
Lord, I hope that’s an artificial tree….
On the rare occasion that I get to leave my house, I have seen outdoor Christmas lights not only hanging on people’s porches, but proudly light for all passersby to either A) enjoy their sparkliness or B) be infuriated by. You are not alone. I on the other hand, would NEVER do anything so incredibly lazy, like leaving fake poinsettias out in my window boxes through February until they are sun faded to that lovely shade of “I see that you are tacky and bought fake flowers”.
I love the SAHM vs. Working mom article. You nailed it… and I am being serious. WE CANNOT WIN. If we all just submitted to our inevitable defeat I think we could just be blissfully numb and mindlessly happy. That may or may not be on my top 5 list of “my personal goals”. Think about it… Failure=achieving goals! Win Win!
I too noticed Internet drama this week. My theory is that people are fed up with winter and still seeing people’s Christmas decorations in March, and there has been a mass revolt which has manifested itself in passive aggressive use of their computer keyboards. Or maybe there are just a lot of assholes in the world…
Um, just took down my tree today. Considered leaving it up for a Christmas in July party and then just keeping it until Christmas…
I have friend who has a mustache tattooed on the inside of her index finger, you can “like” her page on Facebook. … Well, some people can, maybe not you, jenny, but some people. Sorry. Check it out at “fans of emilee’s tattoo” on the Facebook.
A few things, Jenny: 1. The moustache is fabu. Truly. 2. Who is this “Santana from Glee” that you speak of? I did that whole test, btw and it totally reminded me of when I used to work in health services at college, giving out condoms and whatnot. 3. I love the idea of Let’s Panic about Babies! Yay! 4. Lastly, I love love love your ill-advised column. Every single one, I have. You speak the truth, girlie. Cuts through about 99% of the “mommy” internet bullshit and that’s extremely valuable. You are speaking the truth and therefore doing the public a great service. Thank you. But Cafe Mom kinda sucks. I only say this cause I read an article they wrote about “10 Best Jobs for Moms” and they were crazy things – first off, life coach, then these really unrealistic things, mostly involving people starting up their own expensive businesses (landscape architect, interior designer, etc). IDK, I got angry. But then there’s you. You’re going to make me give Cafe Mom another chance. Yet another public service. Keep it up with the winning. xoxo
OMGZ, the correspondence between David and Anton was hilarious!! And the second ad, priceless. http://www.27bslash6.com/f4s.html
In my house being organized is akin to being a grown up. That is, the two weeks a year I manage to be organized, I also manage to live like a responsible adult. Fortunately, the other 50 weeks a year are spent constructing furniture out of old cardboard boxes, and “finding” last month’s cable bill. So I figure that with a functioning Christmas-tree-hanger system in place, you can probably return the items from the container store. You’re doing just fine.
The fact that you still have your tree up is a total win for the environment. Captain Planet and his gang of hippie douchebags (whom I would imagine smell like a weird combination of corn chips, bong water, and patchouli oil) would pat you on the back and thank you for not chopping down another tree to hang your clothes on. Bravo.
I’ve only read the first paragraph so far and just have to say… I literally just took down my Christmas Tree. Like, today. Because we’re going to have out of town guests and felt guilted.
Why must people continue to take you seriously? The title of the column is Ill-Advised for goodness sake! You are remarkably funny and wonderful as always Jenny. <3
You with that stash and the comments between you and your readers on Flikr made me smile despite myself. Thank you.
Thank you also for the In My Mind vid. I need to go listen to it some more.
I was going to feel all superior because only my christmas wreath is still up, but then I noticed that there’s a dead bird on my balcony. So I’ll shut up. Maybe. Did they do a study about the children of working dads? Do they get sick?
My Dad once left his Christmas tree up until June. Then he had a party before he took it down.
Leave it up. It will give your daughter a fun memory later in life. 🙂
And a personal “thank you” for somehow, again, managing to sum up all my mommy-neurosis in one article. I feel like I should pay you for the therapy, but I was a stay at home mom for seven years and I now work a somewhat crappy part time job while my kids are in school, so I can’t afford it. Thanks though.
I’m supposed to take my Christmas tree down?
Our tree is in a pile on the floor…just convenient for next year really. It almost made it to St. Patrick’s Day tree and Easter tree. It was the best Valentine’s Day tree EVER. We just kept changing the words to “O Christmas Tree” for each holiday. i.e. O’Valentine’s tree O’Valentine’s tree…etc. It actually needed to be dusted.
I’m with you on the Christmas Tree front. They look so smug when you take ’em down before the nights get shorter than the days.
One question, is your tree real? And I mean real in the sense that it was once living and growing in the ground not in the real/imaginary way because though imaginary an Christmas Tree would be very zen I don’t think it would be very good at keeping wrinkles out of clothes.
We always get a real tree. Come April it’s far too brittle to use as a wardrobe. *sigh*
Corey Feldman bitching about Corey Haim not making the Oscar list is like
Beavis lamenting Butthead’s exclusion from the Nobel nominations.
even i took down my Xmas tree, it turns out my “Toddlers and Tiaras” themed tree did not go over as well as I had planned
Are you saying that Christmas trees are the new Bowflex?
A mullet, a nervous twitch, tan lines and did I see the white-man’s overbite move in there a couple of times?! That is the best worst porn I’ve ever seen! And that’s saying something because I read your sex column regularly.
List of things you shouldn’t look at while pregnant….
*lowers head between knees and waits for dizzy spell to pass. looks at own vagina. adds “own vagina” to list of things you shouldn’t look at while pregnant*
You and your tree win over me. I didn’t even put one up this year.
Also, can you get #ifcharliesheenstrainwreckofalifedoesntstoptrendingiwillmurderapuppy trending? You have far more influence than I on the Internets.
My Christmas tree tried to kill me this year so it went down pretty fast since that was cheaper than calling in an exorcist.
As usual, loved catching up but now am so far behind schedule that I might as well give up and resume the fetal position of the preceding day.
New to your blog and loving every second of it. I haul that damn tree out before the sun is up on December 26th. I can’t stand the sight of it. Of course, I am shaped like a tree trunk, so hauling a head 17 foot tree out the door is a feat. The husband usually comes downstairs to find a broken lamp and the tree halfway out the door…but then that just forces him to finish the job!
And now it’s March and the dead tree is still in the front yard. I tell the neighbors we are housing a family of raccoons.
Best,
Tina
I still have the Halloween pumpkins on the porch.. course now.. even with the cold we’ve had they are starting to look deflated. That combined with the Christmas wreath on the door .. like Charlie Sheen… that’s winning!
Orhanization is over rated. Love the link to why you shouldn’t mess with bloggers! Thank you
“I spent all this morning at the container store….”
The container store.
The container store.
Tell me more about this. Seriously? A whole store of containers? I don’t have one of those. My life needs containing. I need containers. I need a store. I hate you that you have one.
It was incredibly selfless of you to give up all of those blogging awards. Did you give any to me? Not enough people read my blog for me to check things like that. But I assume if you were giving them away you’d give them to newbies to give them a shot. Like, why bother giving it up if you’re just going to give it to someone who already knows they’re awesome?
Jenny,
Thank you for posting your Disney Scooter pic. I know my mom wants to go to Disneyland once more, but is worried about getting around. Did you rent yours from Disney? Any tips on where to start so I can convince her she can still go?
THANKS!
Eliz
Apropos of nothing, in the liquor store today buying a gigantic bottle of Deep Eddy’s sweet tea vodka, distilled 10 times in Austin, the liquor store guy, talking to my 2yo, asked if the baby was my grandson. I was wondering why he never cards me.
I once saw a porno of Wil Wheaton’s t.v. mom and Captain Picard. It was in the nineties, and it was only about 30 seconds long. But I’ve always wanted a woman doctor ever since. They’re hard to find.
There are few things as lovely as an Easter Egg Christmas Tree. We just took ours down about a week ago because it was mostly naked. As far as the containers go, there is really nothing wrong with just storing them in ther packages and taking them out just to look at them from time to time. Who says you have to actually put stuff in them?
tephen oh Stephen
This ,your therapist will get a chuckle out of all I copied ,ha ha
You Keep on pushing that mind of yours
one day sweetie ,you will be rich and famous ,you will be remembered !!
just think sweetie ,you be able to afford ,your new love ,without mommy ,supporting you both ,
Or just maybe ,your mommy could high your new love as her new maid ,and she will fit right in with all that are care takers of her yard
you little devil you ,this fame in creation is so rewarding and touching ,How you spend wasting Time to create such Rewarding Fame for me ,Wow!! you are amazing man ,now writing a novel ,how do you find the time
have a nice life aaron,anwii,awniii40,Rob,calkid,oh silly me ,I forget ,you have many user names and male or female ,just so convincing ,you make all look like pretty little Idiots
isn’t life perfect ,I think so
today is great ,you look so stupid aaron ,as you just don’t hold the facts about nothing smiling
Get a Divorce sheeshh
http://www.noveldoctor.com heck come on get real instead of being fake and pretending to be many people
aaron webb ,many user names
You make that scooter look gooooood! It’s not that I have a particular thing for hotties in scooters and power chairs. I just happen to know several hotties in scooters and power chairs. Several of the past Miss Wheelchair Kansas are our friends. They tried to get Tessa to do it, but she can’t travel.
Amanda Palmer both terrifies and captivates me. “Sing” is another song by The Dresden Dolls that’s worth a watch on the googletubez. And they have one called “Dear Jenny,” but it’s probably coincidental.
You like David Thorne? Cool, I have been following him for ages. The ads took me a little while to get, and then I wanted to boff him!
That is a brilliant idea. Now I know what to do with mine next year.
I’m a new reader so I only understood about 1% of this post and yet still I loved it! I’ll be back 🙂
Oh wow, I didn’t even realise Corey Haim wasn’t in the In Memoriam thing at the Oscars. Weird. Congrats on sweeping The Bloggies!
So I was at Target (aka the lair of temptation) the other day and they are selling fake Christmas trees but get this… they are calling them “stuffed animal organizers”. I shit you not. Basically you hang the stuffed animals from the branches and then prop the tree up in your kid’s room. Check it out http://www.amazon.com/The-Storage-Store-Stuffed-Organizer/dp/B000RA2MZ4. Okay, just realized it was Amazon and not Target. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine. Anyway, all that oodelally aside, drag the tree into your daughter’s room, throw some toys on it and your problems are solved. I love it when a plan comes together *cue A-Team soundtrack*
My mom used to think lol meant the same thing.
Be afraid of Wil Wheaton….be very afraid of Wil Wheaton.
So funny you should mention this. I dressed up all my Christmas Elves in baby clothes and tried to pass them off as lawn gnomes. Apparently the clothes don’t help.
I do however think that you should take your containers, put some shit in them and then shove them under the wardrobe tree. That way, you can always have Christmas any day you want. And also, wouldn’t it sound so awesome to respond to “Mom, where’s my iPod” by saying “try the red container under the tree” ??? yes. I think so.
One year I scored a bunch of little heart shaped ornaments at a 50% off sale on February 15th. Now I can proudly leave my tree up through February and call it our Valentines tree. This year I’m going to see if I can find shamrock shaped ones and easter egg ones. I may go as far as to see if I can find little flags (and stars! I could totally find stars) so I can leave it up through the 4th of July.
We didn’t have a tree for Christmas 2010 because we were out of town for Christmas. So I didn’t have to think about it. That really was the best.
I hate packing crap up for Christmas. I honestly wouldn’t decorate a damn thing if I didn’t have kids.
You, and those four other people, were holding it down for Corey Haim. Way to be.
I have a ‘stache obsession myself (see website) and yours gets my approval stamp. Permanently tattoo that on your hands, please. It won’t hurt a bit. Or be considered weird. Or look like you have grease smeared on your hands at all times. Or poo. And I commend you on the tree situation. I haven’t gone as balls to the wall with it as you have, but I have gotten to the point where I make my hub carry ours upstairs, stick it into a room and throw a sheet over it until next year.When people ask what it is I say a ghost that wears a dunce cap. Then tell them to mind their own business or he’ll haunt the shit out of them. And obviously he’s a naughty ghost. Cuz duh…he wears a dunce cap.
OMG the christmas tree idea is pure genius! also, I am green with envy about the container store, I bet there is a few unhealthy people like me who almost have sexual dreams about that store….
I just took mine down last weekend.
the japanese men with the fans take the cake!! i love it when they play baseball at the end! hahaha
I’m so glad we weren’t the only ones! We didn’t take the Christmas tree down until the very end of February….the day before my husband deployed to Iraq. People thought it was bit odd, but we bought a new tree on New Year’s Eve (a 9 ft. one) and just didn’t have the energy to take it down any sooner!
I love the new SIDWIWH graphic. The hair curlers look like brass knuckles. Which is awesome.
Unless they’re *supposed* to be brass knuckles. It’s still awesome, of course . . . but now I’m the jackass who always explains the funny joke, because it’s funny.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
(sobs)
Dear Bloggess,
first I have to say that I adore your blog- you say the kinds of things that sometimes run around in my brain, but I could never say. -and also things I would never have imagined, but make me snort my soda…sex ponies??
Anyway, about your post at Good Mom/Bad Mom and scooters (I clicked over cus I had heard their was internet drama lately but had no clue what it was..) That photo, you are beautiful!! and- my stepmother has to use a scooter and/or wheelchair. She looks healthy now, but is slowly getting worse until she will die..she is a healthy weight now, but she has no balance anymore and cannot exercise, so each year she will probably get a bit more heavy. It really steams me and saddens me (but pisses me off more) that people would be judging her for being on a scooter and perhaps overweight. Thanks for your post. I’m now trying to come up with a way to flip people off next time we are at D land w/stepmom & scooter..while looking like I didn’t mean it…