This week I was flooded with uncomfortably awkward blog pitches. Most were robotic form-letters attempting to get a product mentioned in exchange for a high-res photo of something that no one would ever want a high-res photo of. For instance, an hour ago I got an email from a pr chick (named Bridget) asking if I’d like a high-res picture of Lou Diamond Phillips drinking water.
Of course I would love a high-res image of Lou Diamond Phillips drinking water. Who wouldn’t? Please make mine poster-sized and send it to the address below. Also, it needs to be laminated because I’m going to use it to cover one of the holes the dogs chewed in my bedroom wall and if it’s unlaminated poster paper they’ll just jump right through it like circus lions. I prefer matte paper over glossy because it looks more classy. Here is my mailing address:
Jenny L. 10223 Broadway, suite P #359, Pearland TX, 77584
PS. I just realized that once it’s laminated it won’t actually matter what kind of paper you use so please feel free to use whatever type of paper all the other bloggers are requesting for their poster.
One minute later I sent a follow up:
Hi. Me again. I was just telling my girlfriend about your offer to send high-quality images of Lou Diamond Phillips to anyone requesting them and she said she’d like one too but she wants to know if you have any pictures of him not holding water? If so, that’s actually what I’d like too. It’s okay if you’ve already mailed me my other poster of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water because honestly, I have a lot of holes to cover up so I can totally use more than one. I‘d thought it was the dogs causing all the damage since I came home yesterday to find Chester LaRue (dachshund) t-boned midway through a hole in the bathroom but then my husband pointed out that our dogs couldn’t have chewed all the holes in the ceiling unless they’d suddenly learned how to levitate. Turns out it’s actually the family of otters that I put in our attic during the winter, who are chewing the holes in the walls to make nests. I’m not sure why they even need nests. The whole attic is a nest, otters. My husband is very displeased and frankly I feel a bit betrayed. This is exactly why you can’t trust otters.
At this point Bridget seemed baffled but showed exceptional professionalism by ignoring the otters and pointing out that they had images of Bobby Brown holding water if that was more my prerogative.
I appreciate the offer but regardless of how many holes the otters make I would never put up a Bobby Brown poster because we’re Team Whitney. But you know who I bet would totally want those Bobby Brown posters? Those fucking otters. Maybe they could just use them to make their nests and stop eating my walls. Those otters are assholes.
UPDATE: Proving that not all marketing emails are answered with vague form letters, Bridget responded with a single sentence, agreeing simply that, yes, those otters did indeed sound like assholes.
And in return for that bit of humanity I’m totally sharing this picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water. You’re welcome, America.
UPDATED AGAIN: Wow. I just got an email from a different PR woman who wants me to share pictures of Selma Blair wearing a goddam scarf. What the fuck, marketing?
BTW, this was my response to her:
I would love to post a picture of Selma Blair wearing a scarf but unfortunately I *just* posted a picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water and I’m afraid that back-to-back posts of random celebrities using everyday objects might be too overwhelming for my readers. Please keep me posted if you come across any photos of Wil Wheaton collating paper.