This week I was flooded with uncomfortably awkward blog pitches. Most were robotic form-letters attempting to get a product mentioned in exchange for a high-res photo of something that no one would ever want a high-res photo of. For instance, an hour ago I got an email from a pr chick (named Bridget) asking if I’d like a high-res picture of Lou Diamond Phillips drinking water.
my response:
Of course I would love a high-res image of Lou Diamond Phillips drinking water. Who wouldn’t? Please make mine poster-sized and send it to the address below. Also, it needs to be laminated because I’m going to use it to cover one of the holes the dogs chewed in my bedroom wall and if it’s unlaminated poster paper they’ll just jump right through it like circus lions. I prefer matte paper over glossy because it looks more classy. Here is my mailing address:
Jenny L. 10223 Broadway, suite P #359, Pearland TX, 77584
PS. I just realized that once it’s laminated it won’t actually matter what kind of paper you use so please feel free to use whatever type of paper all the other bloggers are requesting for their poster.
One minute later I sent a follow up:
Hi. Me again. I was just telling my girlfriend about your offer to send high-quality images of Lou Diamond Phillips to anyone requesting them and she said she’d like one too but she wants to know if you have any pictures of him not holding water? If so, that’s actually what I’d like too. It’s okay if you’ve already mailed me my other poster of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water because honestly, I have a lot of holes to cover up so I can totally use more than one. I‘d thought it was the dogs causing all the damage since I came home yesterday to find Chester LaRue (dachshund) t-boned midway through a hole in the bathroom but then my husband pointed out that our dogs couldn’t have chewed all the holes in the ceiling unless they’d suddenly learned how to levitate. Turns out it’s actually the family of otters that I put in our attic during the winter, who are chewing the holes in the walls to make nests. I’m not sure why they even need nests. The whole attic is a nest, otters. My husband is very displeased and frankly I feel a bit betrayed. This is exactly why you can’t trust otters.
At this point Bridget seemed baffled but showed exceptional professionalism by ignoring the otters and pointing out that they had images of Bobby Brown holding water if that was more my prerogative.
My response:
I appreciate the offer but regardless of how many holes the otters make I would never put up a Bobby Brown poster because we’re Team Whitney. But you know who I bet would totally want those Bobby Brown posters? Those fucking otters. Maybe they could just use them to make their nests and stop eating my walls. Those otters are assholes.
No response.
UPDATE: Proving that not all marketing emails are answered with vague form letters, Bridget responded with a single sentence, agreeing simply that, yes, those otters did indeed sound like assholes.
And in return for that bit of humanity I’m totally sharing this picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water. You’re welcome, America.
UPDATED AGAIN: Wow. I just got an email from a different PR woman who wants me to share pictures of Selma Blair wearing a goddam scarf. What the fuck, marketing?
BTW, this was my response to her:
I would love to post a picture of Selma Blair wearing a scarf but unfortunately I *just* posted a picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water and I’m afraid that back-to-back posts of random celebrities using everyday objects might be too overwhelming for my readers. Please keep me posted if you come across any photos of Wil Wheaton collating paper.
Hugs, Jenny
Lou’s gonna hafta step up his game if he wants to snag some of the spotlight from Charlie Sheen.
Holding water? Really, Lou? That’s not WINNING.
Announcing that you and Charlie are making “Young Guns 3” … THAT’S winning. Think it over.
dying of laughter. i needed that today – thanks 🙂
Now that is a Bitchen Rock Star way to answer emails! LMAO
I literally have no idea what just happened, but I’m pretty sure I loved every second of it. Also, it’s good to see Lou Diamond Phillips’ face again. He never calls anymore.
I love Bridget. Does she have any pictures of herself fighting otters and zombies? Because that would totally scare away the unicorns who are trying to poke holes in my bathroom wall. Perverts.
I feel oddly better – cleaner, even for having seen this. Of course, since our whole state is burning down, you should’ve asked for Lou to bring the water over here: http://bit.ly/hOzEqI
That man cannot hold water…he’s covering up the label. Bad product placement! Oh wait, maybe they requested him to cover up the label…in that case; Bravo!
Oh…My….God… That made my day. Not just a La Bamba whore is he?! Bad news is you are not good for my hacking cough which you just triggered me into a fit.
Really, between you and Charlie Sheen, I’m going to die in a coughing fit….
Fists of fire, Jenny, fists.of.fire…
I’m in the market for a cool hobby… and being obnoxious to marketers sounds AMAZING. Done.
as a Board Member of the Otter Anti Defamation League I have to warn you, that unless you stop blaming the poor otters you have been “holding hostage” we will indeed call the local otter embassy and they will be all up in your yard. You do NOT want that kind of press Jenny, seriously.
That’s not water.
I really want to write something over-the-top witty here but even I can’t believe my eyes at what’s taken place here.
BalalalalalalalalLABAMBA!
Wow, those otters DO sound like assholes. Maybe they don’t drink enough water.
Wow! The fabled picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding a bottle of water and kneeling next to a childd holding a phallic lollipop DOES exist!
Do whatever she wants.
Totally righteous, dude. A new pair of pants to replace the ones I suddenly micturated through is requested, por favor. 😀
That is funny as hell. And as we all know, hell is fucking funny.
You win the internet for the my prerogative joke!
But, the drinking! Where, oh where, is the drinking? After all, anybody can HOLD water. I mean, not otters, but they are assholes.
I love your blog. Thanks for the smile during an otherwise blah day!
Bobby Brown ? Your prerogative ? Pun intended , right ?
Now that you have the jpeg file, you can make as many posters as you want. That’s brilliant. Plus
the otters are going to be gaga over those posters. They LOVE water. Awesome for you and your attic.
I hope someday I’m big enough in the blog world to torture marketers.
Two follow-up questions, please:
1. When did Lou Diamond Phillips morph into Sheriff Lobo? (http://compmast.tripod.com/akins/akins.jpg)
2. The little girl is doing a much better job of selling her spiral sucker. She totally coordinated her wardrobe with the product placement. Mr. Diamond Phillips is totally phoning it in. Why does he hate children?
I didn’t even know who he was until I saw his picture. I don’t know who Bobby Brown is, either.
I live in the attic with the otters.
Brilliant mother f$%$^er you are, brilliant!
Wow, that picture really worked because suddenly I’m thirsty as hell.
The lasting image I have is of Chester jumping through a wall and poster like a circus lion. Awesome.
Make that happen, won’t you Jenny?
On a day where I thought laughing was going to be impossible, you’ve totally succeeded.
I just lost a friend to mental illness and was feeling mostly like vomiting, and I somehow end up here (possibly though a posessed computer. or because when i type the into my internet explorer, your website comes up). I needed this laugh more than I can possibly explain.
This is why I love you.
That and you run the most bitchen otter sanctuary ever.
a) hysterical. i love when you share these delightful exchanges 🙂
b) i wish that i got these types of emails so that i could send funny replies too.
c) and while we’re wishing, i also wish i had your wit, because let’s get real… i never would have thought up *otters* and that completely makes the whole story, and what fun is it to have people soliciting you if you can’t make fun of them properly??
i was expecting, from the term, ‘holding water’ for lou to be making his ‘i gotta PEE’ face…
Oh, those clever marketing monkeys. You just never know what they’re gonna think of next.
Jenny, once again you manage to completely fucking rock the “hizzy”. Bad day for otters, good day for Lou. Now I’m going to go drink some water.
PS, come check my blog today to see Hayden Christensen replaced by a sock puppet. If you’d like to. If not, drink some water. Or Tiger Blood.
I’m holding water.
Would you like a picture of it.
Probably not since I’m holding it in my bladder.
(I think there is something wrong with me)
Re-reading my comment up there at 33 makes me sound like I just confessed to having an infection. Which is why I always carry one cipro with me. Just in case it gets all funky up in here.
This is sheer magic.
Bridget is my hero.
1. For being ballsy enough to try to hock not only Lou Diamond Phillips pictures but ALSO Bobby Brown. Could she have found two people that the majority care about less?
2. For her response about the otters. Well played, Bridget, well played.
Holding water sounds like Lou Diamond Phillips is getting his period. No wait that would mean he is retaining water.
Is he the love child of Neil Diamond and the Chick from the Mama and the Papas?
Lou looks good next to that little girl. The little girls dig him. I wonder if they walk up to him in public and hold his hand like they do to my husband and my Grandpa. Then their mama’s be gettin all panicky about a strange man askin their girl where their mama is…and why is he holding her hand???? Sheesh, trust your girl’s judgement and be lucky we live in your “village”.
BTW, those otters sound like total assholes.
Seriously? Lou Diamond Phillips? I’m soooooo not interested in a poster.
Do you have any posters of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan holding water? Or anything non-alcoholic? Because I could sell those posters on eBay and by myself some vodka. Just a thought.
Pay attention Charlie Sheen: this is how you stage a comeback. By holding water. Well played, Lou.
I get requests from robots asking if I would like them to write a guest post for me. This was my latest response.
Hi James, thanks for your inquiry. Due to reader feedback I only accept guest posts in certain niche areas. The two most popular niche areas at the moment are “Survival tactics in case of a zombie attack” and the other popular one is, “How do you know if you have been abducted by aliens?” If you can write about either of those topics, preferably with photos I am sure we could work something out.
cheers Kim
They never reply back to me 🙁
Otters are my life! – I have some time off soon and i wud totally be willing to come and stay in your attic (i will need my own bathroom) and negotiate a settlement here …. plus i have some terrific ideas for your blog which will add some razzle dazzle to it – i can only stay for a couple of months but that should be enough time to get your life back on track….. dont bother to thank me – i am happy to help!
ps – expect a delivery soon from ‘The House of Love’ ( it is my pleasure to do this!) – they will tell you what to feed it.
It seems as though Lou hasn’t aged. Maybe that is special water from the fountain of youth? Probably not. But why hasn’t he aged?
Sometimes I want to send you advertising e-mail just so I have a personalized e-mail JUST LIKE THIS from you!!
I bet however, you would totally want this picture garage-poster-sized if he was holding Tiger Blood… eh??
I’d really be more interested in a Lou Diamond Phillips mural. I’m thinking something along the lines of him wearing a loin cloth and floating on a cloud. And cherubs. Maybe holding one of those big turkey legs that you get at Disney World. I could stare at that shit all day.
I’ll send you a high quality photo of me not only holding a bottle of water, but drinking it through a straw. With both eyes closed.
In return, you will post this photo on your blog, along with the caption, “This Chick Holds a Mean Water Bottle.”
In return for posting my picture, I will then send you a high quality picture of me holding a jar of pickle juice, with a straw, and again, I’m drinking the pickle juice.
You will post that as well. Also, you will make a tshirt on Zazzle that says “Otters are Assholes”
I will buy that shirt, take a photo of me wearing it, then, well, you know the drill.
As you can see, I’m practically goddess of marketing and should be teaching a course somewhere.
I am so disappointed. What I REALLY wanted to see today was a laminated poster of an asshole otter playing poker with Lou Diamond Phillips and Bobby Brown. Come on people. Give the public what we really want already!
Years ago, Lou Diamond Philips played a gig with his shitty band in my town then did a late night dine and dash at the diner where I waited tables. I was 19, and 18 years later still refer to any super douche move as a “Lou Diamond Philips.” (i.e: She borrowed your favorite shoes, broke the heel and never apologized or even attempted to replace or repair them? What a Lou Diamond Philips!)
It occurs to me that I might want to spend some time writing stupid pitches and sending them to you, just in the hopes of kicking off a similar exchange.
Obviously you need to call over William Shatner. It is very well known that otters hate him. I bet you they would leave your attic if you invited Shatner to live up there.
Then again Shatner would be living in your attic. We may need to rethink this plan.
This is so very perfect. Now I feel all sad that I don’t have a high-res photo of Lou holding water.
Those otters? Total assholes.
That bottle actually contains the soul of the little girl. It’s available on eBay.
I guess this means Lou Diamond Phillips can still hold his water…lucky bastard! Charlie Sheen prolly can’t, but then if he pees all over your walls it’s a fucking gift and you ought to be grateful. Incidentally, laminated posters: easier to clean up than wall board. Don’t ask me how I know.
Either that is terrible children’s wear or Lou is holding up the water he just spilled all over the kid.
Hold out for life-sized cutouts, girlfriend! You can use them to fill audiences (very impressive that so-and-so showed up at your kid’s class’s strawberry-picking fieldtrip!), and you could play dressup with them when not out and about. Water bottles and such can be covered with the product you’re promoting (e.g., heroin, monkey’s paw, inside out kitten mittens, dildo).
Those otters are assholes. You should get a picture of Lou holding Charle’s water while Charlie feeds the otters to Bobby. Bobby probably does eat otters because he is a bigger asshole and bigger assholes eat smaller assholes. Then you can take a picture and because the asshole otters have been eaten you don’t need to cover any holes so you should just hang it in the bathroom where all true assholes belong.
Just did a double take because the first time I read, “I would never put up a Bobby Brown poster because we’re Team Whitey.” Which is totally NOT the way I expect to be offended by you. That was actually meant to be more complimentary than it ended up.
I’ve got the Florida cousins of those otters at my house. They climb on my dock, eat most of a fish, leaving the head and tail to rot in the sun, take a shit, and slip silently away. Or maybe they shit first, then eat. Either way, they apparently haven’t learned the “don’t shit where you eat” rule. Effing sociopaths.
Is that kid from Toddlers & Tiaras? Love that show.
Is that special water that he’s holding? Maybe something from Lourdes to cure the little girl of her Vague Paleness? Just wondering.
The only thing I can say is WHY??? Why would ANYONE want pictures, high-res or not, of almost celebrities holding water? Are they trying to advertise the water? This is somehow deeply disturbing to me. Also, otters? Total assholes.
But the children! Why didn’t he think of the children before he starts holding water all over the place?!?!
Lou Diamond Phillips. Very timely reference. I’m not trying to shit on the water bottle picture, but I think she could do better. For example: The Young Guns movie poster, including LDP – that’s what his hundreds of fan sites call him, with a Photoshopped tagline that reads: You Otter Be Here. The added bonus is that Charlie “warlock” Sheen was in this movie and it would be nice to remember what he looked like before he took winning to a whole new level. Inspiration for you and your otter family.
I have a plethora (I haven’t over-used THAT word in a while.) of both glossy and matte photos of me holding otters holding water. It’s an old, Scottish-Viking tradition. Please let me know how many to send you. I need to unload them before those people from Hoarders get here.
Does she have any pictures of Curtis Stone holding water? Because I’d like a life-sized poster of him if that is available. He’s much more dreamy than Lou. (No offense Lou).
And I’m totally Team Whitney too. So that’s two of us so far. . .
Yeah, no way am I on Bobby’s team. So, YAY! Team Whitney?…. no, not even on that team either. The otter has more sense than either of these two, right? And I can’t even think of an animal who is not smarter than Charlie Sheen.
I am SO lost. Who is that? Why is he holding water? Who is Bridget? Why are there otters in your attic? I love you, but I’m afraid I’m not smart enough to keep up.
Am I the only one who has no idea what LDP holding water even means? And yet totally understands the otters?
Also, my name is Bridget and it’s even spelled the exact same way yet I don’t have any high resolution pictures of anyone holding water. Or otters. For some reason I feel cheated in life.
I would much rather see a picture of Charlie Sheen holding a bottle of “water” *ahem*vodka*ahem* or snorting cocaine off a stripper’s butt cheek. Just sayin’.
Gosh, I wish I had your flair for the written word!
You have otters in your attic and I have echidnas living under my house. Well, they were under the house last winter, they’ve probably moved out by now. Thinking about it, the ant population is smaller than ever, so the echidas could be making the strange noise I hear in my walls. Either that or the possums have had more babies.
Okay, this is brilliant, Jenny. I’m laughing out loud here. You are brilliant.
As is Bridget. Way to turn this in to a Win, Bridget.
Lady B: My thoughts are with you.
I used to have a friend who was Co-Captain of the Otter Conservation League in High School. I remember spending long hours discussing with her the fact that otters are by far the least grateful of all marine mammals. She used to argue with me, stating that whales were actually by far more ungrateful, until I pointed out that whales have been putting up with humanity stealing their back fat for years without going all “Revenge of the Whales” on us and evolving a larynx capable of emitting a high-frequency sound that would scramble any human’s brains within a ten mile radius. Needless to say, I won that debate.
This is why I come to this site thousands of times a day, because who wouldn’t want pictures of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water? Colonel Young, that’s who. And probably Dr. Rush. Nothing but love for you Jenny.
I LOVE you, Jenny! Seriously.
This was hilarious.
At least otters, as opposed to most other assholes, are cute. In fact, assholes would be much easier to deal with in general if they had adorable faces and could do flips and walked with that funny back-hunch thing. I wouldn’t mind as much when they cut me out of a parking space at the YMCA if I thing got to watch them back-hunch their way into the building.
I love how defeated Bridget is by the end of the emails that she finally agrees with you on the otter bit.
haha
I would love to believe that you have made this up but after receiving some of the most ridiculous PR pitches over the past few months I know that its probably very very true. In fact, so true, that I think some PR’s invent pitches just to see what the blogger response will be.
Bridget is at least a little awesome one this one. And she’s right. Your otters are assholes. And freeloaders too from the sound of it.
Fucking otters.
When I first read your response to the Bobby Brown poster I thought you said “We’re team WHITEY” I wonder what Bridget would have said about that.
okay, the original email said lou diamond (i don’t need to use his last name, because THAT’S HOW I ROLL) would be drinking water in said photo. he is not drinking the water..
i call SHENANIGANS on this bridget chick.
ALSO. those otters are assholes.
Chavez is ALIVE?!
Last we heard, he took work at a farm in California.
Probably explains why he needs to keep hydrated.
Does that poor little girl have a prosthetic candy cane? Bless her heart. But she’s totally rockin’ the leg warmers.
Oh yeah…which one is Lou?
All I can picture when you keep saying “holding water” is LDP having to pee really, really, REALLY badly.
Also, I’m kind of wishing I was in marketing. Your replies would be way more entertaining than my boring job now.
“….. pointing out that they had images of Bobby Brown holding water if that was more my prerogative.”
When I read this sentence, I laughed so hard because I got your subtle My Prerogative reference. I laughed and laughed, until I quickly started crying because I’m having a Terrible Time down here right now. And sometimes laughing is so close to crying and I quickly switched over, just like that – bam, the cry I’ve needed to have for over a week now. Even though “prerogative” looks like it’s spelt wrong but it’s not. (I googled it.)
Jenny, thank you for being so fucking funny that you made me cry.
I love the way you actually get responses to these pitches. I never do. I think the pitches I get are sent by the otters in your attic.
So it’s sort of like Shawshank Redemption…except with more otters…and I guess Lou Diamond Phillips is Rita Hayworth
This is all kinds of awesome!
True story, my friend’s husband is in a band, and he met Lou Diamond Phillips one night when he was shooting a television show in Vancouver. They hung out for a while and Lou invited him and my friend to his house for his daughter’s birthday party. Apparently they didn’t know many people in Vancouver, and they didn’t want their daughter’s party to “be lame”. Which doesn’t really make sense seeing as my friends don’t have children and if I was a kid I’d think having adults at my party would make it lame.
Anyway, my friend isn’t big on kids’ parties so she didn’t want to go, but I finally convinced her because…well, it’s LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS! But then I felt bad because he never ended up calling them anyway.
How he expects his daughter to make any friends that way, I’ll never understand.
This made me cry. Tears of laughter are rolling down my cheeks. At work.
Thank you Bloggess, for helping me look so professional today.
You sure can bring the funny!
That PR chick has balls. Kudos to her for hanging with you! 🙂
PS-Jenny, you have uber balls for sending that response in the first place. But of course I already knew that.
GAWD, please ignore my email to ya about the anal gland on my laptop.
Bridget has serious news to share with you so I want to keep all channels open for her.
*snicker*
I got the same pitch. I just deleted it. this is why *you’re* the professional.
It’s time for real talk, now. How do you suggest getting a family of otters out of the attic?
I mean, do I just give them posters and beanbag chairs and wait for them leave on vacation and then change the locks? Is that the option I’ve got? I suppose I can wait.
It is about time someone outing those fuckin otters….
fuck…outed…
I simply cannot believe the luck you have. I mean LDP! You must have done something really good in a past life. PS Can you email me Brigit’s contact deets? I am going to send her a muffin basket in hopes of getting my own poster
So Jenny, about the otters, have you been feeding them? That might be why they’re eating through your walls.
So is this what Lou Diamond has been up to? Is he just walking around with water and taking photos? He needs to get the guitar back and make another LaBamba. Wait….is that possible?
I actually had a dream about otters last night and they were indeed total assholes.
Hilarious. Thanks for that one.
I’m not sure what this says about me, but I originally understood your title to mean that Lou Diamond Phillips was RETAINING water. And as I read your post, I kept imagining what a freak Bridget must be to be pimping THAT. So by the time I got to the photo, I was all ready to see some puffiness. Except he doesn’t look puffy at all. Unless you count the hubris of having DIAMOND as your middle name. Seriously, dude? I’ll only allow it if some otherwise unassuming body part of his can cut glass, or if he can be affixed in a Tiffany setting and used in an engagement proposal at a sporting event.
From now on, he’s just Lou Phillips to me. I’m not sure how I made it this long without discharging my seriously cranked up sense of righteousness on this matter.
Thank God we have you to get to the heart of things.
You know, otters are always going to be assholes. Especially where attic insulation in concerned.
But honoring the PR girl’s attempt to connect? It’s just feels right. I’m proud of you Jenny. Damn proud.
I would want a photo of Lou Diamond Philips losing his water. I’d laminate that.
I think I know what’s going on up there, Jenny.
http://tinyurl.com/4gv27k4
I think it would’ve been more interesting if you’d posted a picture of your otters holding a water bottle..but that’s just me.
Now if you only had a picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding OTTERS…
Lou Diamond Phillips holding water. Who knew? A high res. photo…what an incentive as well! You are, in fact the luckiest person in the world. Ever. Thank you so much for sharing your joy. We receive emails such as this as well. However, we are offered dog food. Literally.
Well, he’s holding a bottle. It could be water, it could be vodka….. we’ll never know.
I can’t even begin to understand why someone is pimping photos of Lou Diamond Phillips with a water bottle! I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a blog. Are they selling the water? I can’t read the brand on the bottle and it’s vaguely disconcerting! How will I know what water is endorsed by Lou Diamond Phillips if I get thirsty?
And why are you keeping otters in the attic? Are they hiding from the Nazis? Damn Nazis!
–>I wish you had photoshopped your face and Hailey’s into the picture. Take that OTTERS!
Are we SURE it’s water? I can’t see the label. For all I know he’s holding vodka…or vodka IN a water bottle.
I’d much prefer a picture of vodka than one of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water. What’s so impressive about the water anyway?
So, what would it take to get you to strike a blow for freedom from telemarketers????
I’m relatively sure you can name your price for this service, and hey, aim higher than posters of Lou, eh?
Keep up the good work!
I enjoy your blog, a lot. I think you’re very funny- but honestly. How many updates are you going to post about e mails you receive? I imagine I’m not the only person who feels this way. You’re blog used to be one of favorites. IDK- this may not be appreciated as constructive criticism but please know that is how it was intended. You are free to write whatever you want and I am free to *not* read it- the problem is, I enjoy reading what you write…or I used to.
Plans for my day now include printing this photo up, posting in my cubicle and murmuring in my best deliverance-stlye voice, “damn boy holds water fine, damn fine.”
I love otters. Remember those otter videos on nature programs when we were kids? They would slide down the creek bank on their mud slides. I’d much rather have an otter video than pictures of Lou or Bobby retaining water.
WAIT! Where’s the picture of him drinking the water?! Now I feel betrayed.
I love the random things you are approached with! haha
Great looking water. But is LDP wearing an acid-wash blazer? Is his kid wearing leg warmers that are bordering on crotch warmers? Does his wife smell something bad? I have questions.
I would like a poster of Lou Diamond Philips as Richie Valens holding water…now that would mke a difference. And, perhaps, holding an otter, too.
The word “otter” is always funny….kind of like the word “kaiser” and the number 7.
Thank you for the laughs – I have a stitch from laughing so much. Question about the otters – don’t they need water? Do you have a pool in your attic?
In a serious, albeit cheesy-reference-to-my-own-blog-title…
Seriously??… Really??
Seriously?
How much do you get paid for this shizz, Jenny?
LDP. I suppose this was informative, I didn’t realize he was still alive.
Get some Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper goin’ on!
Isn’t Lou Diamond Philips dead? Just the career then?
I think he’s been killed in every movie I’ve ever seen him in, even the one with no guns; La Bamba -DEAD.
I think if you die 20 times on film they should send somebody to your house and just finish it already.
And somehow the marketing people just keep contacting you! You should be the equivalent of hazing for new employees of marketing companies.
Oh my gosh…I effing heart you so much.
I had the whole dialogue about your friend wanting a poster going in my head in a Valley Girl fashion. I don’t know why.
I’ve been dealing with a completely not there teacher for a week, a dental hygienist that told me all my teeth were going to fall out (and they aren’t) I haven’t laughed in a week. You fixed that. Thank you.
i had a character who randomly wore a lou diamond phillips shirt.
he was a crazy slice of pizza
I didn’t even know who he was *after* I saw his picture and I watch SGU. Doesn’t makeup work wonders?
I don’t know who he is but he looks like a nob
Jeez Jenny-you’re so fucking selfish! Didn’t you think that any of your readers might be Team Bobby? I mean-did you see the reality show? Must not have because all chances of my keeping my Team Whitney status alive ended when she talked about needing to take a crap at a nice restaurant. So much for a class act! Now Bobby’s not all that but MAYBE he is when he’s holding water. Or maybe not. BUT NOW I’LL NEVER KNOW!!! You may now join the otters in their assholeness .. .or whatever . .
I wish I had your spontaneous wit! I never would have thought about the otters in the attic – I probably would have told her about the beavers in the cellar!! As always a delightful read!
Lou will always be Chavez y Chavez to me.
Oh, man. Whenever I have a bad day, I just come to your website. My mom has been yelling at me for the past few hours, but this just made everything worth it.
It seems to that Bridget totally missed her angle. It sort of looks like he’s holding hint brand water? If that’s what they’re trying to shill, it seems to me they’d give you the product name and let you have your way with it. I mean, you can take a hint. And those effing otter’s sure could take a hint.
Oh, Bridget, what a missed opportunity for your product name to be bandied about…
(In her defense, she totally wrote a bunch of stuff about the water. I just kind of glossed over it. Because I can’t take a hint. ~ Jenny )
Thank you so much, Jenny. I love your wits. The world needs more laughter, and you articulate your thoughts beautifully.
I am having a brain fart…. who is Lou Diamond? I blame the brain fart on Earthquake John Tenta.
LA BAMBA! I knew it would come to me. Definitely Earthquake John Tenta’s fault.
Okay, that was totally bizarre. I know when I’ve made it big as a blogger when pr agents start trying to send me pictures of B list actors holding random things. I can’t wait until that day comes.
Zombi causing fungi. Need I say more?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/02/zombie-creating-fungi-cordyceps_n_830558.html
Enjoy.
Not gonna lie, I completely forgot that Lou Diamond Phillips even existed until I saw this.
I am so overwhelmed.
or david duchovny licking stamps….. 🙂
Lou DIamond Phillips LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!! This is so freakin’ funny. How DO you do it?! What’s your secret? I’m wondering if the PR people are cracking up reading your responses as loud as I am???
OMG – you totally have to post photos of Will Wheaton collating. From “Stand by Me” to “The Bloggess”… dear Will finally made it! 🙂
A scarf? It’s like celebrities are REAL people! Work shattered. Must destroy everything I love
Just tweeted wilw as I follow him. Hope he sends you a pick of himself collating!
I totally thought Bridget was saying she had a picture proving ol Lou wasn’t incontinent. Now I’m a little bummed.
Oh and damn those otter assholes.
freaking hilarious!!!
Thank you for looking out for us! Seriously, if you would have followed Lou with a picture of Selma Hayek wearing nothing but a scarf I probably would have passed out and gone lesbian!
What? Oh, it was Selma BLAIR? She cute and all but…
Nevermind!
Funnily enough, I sort of see Lou Diamond Phillips EVERY DAY on my local news. Really. Take a look: http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/bio?section=resources/inside_station/newsteam&id=5744050
Now tell me they don’t look like they were separated at birth!
PS: The original point of the Otters in the attic was…? Because don’t they need like a body of water or something?
Never mind. It’s you, dear Jenny, no explanation needed because I KNOW you had a good reason for it. 😀
You ask me, what you really need is Lou’s jacket. Or is it Lou Diamond’s jacket? Either way, that shit looks indestructible. Perhaps also Dry-Erase Markerable. Fun for the whole family.
Is it me or does LDP look a bit like a chupacabra?…. hmmm…
Bonus points if she can get you a video of Wil Wheaton ripping paper in front of that random laughing baby that’s on Youtube.
(In case you have no idea what I’m talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6Rbxopp-Sc)
See, I feel a bit ripped off. I mis-read this as having something to do with Lou Diamond Phillips “holding his water” meaning “painfully waiting to urinate.” THAT was what I Googled.
Because nothing is hotter than a B-list actor in line for the bathroom with all the regualr schmoes.
A pic of Wil Wheaton would be kind of awesome. How hilarious is he when he guest stars on The Big Bang Theory? Awesome.
Damn it, Jenny. I have been DYING to see pictures of Selma Blair wearing a scarf!!!! I feel so cheated. Think of your readers next time, please. This is clearly something that must be seen.
girl, you kill me
I have not featured any random celebrities using every day objects this week. Feel free to tell her I will totally post Selma Blair. No promises in regards to Selma and a drawn-in mustache. Just sayin’
I would love to have that last exchange on a greeting card.
Jenny… you should totally add a “Lou Diamond Phillips Holding Things” to your store. Just a thought.
Please ask these people if you can share contact information with us. I for one would be perfectly willing to post pictures up to my lowest standards of taste FOR FREE! I’d even take great pleasure in captioning the pictures AT NO COST, and will at my discretion write stories of less than 1,000 words to explain what I infer what is happening in the picture. This would be a win-win solution for promotion on their part and blog-fodding security on mine.
Please, please contact me if anyone offers you a picture of Marky Mark holding a bag of potatos or Gary Sinese with a loaf of bread.
I’m on a low carb diet and this may be the only way I can get my carb fix without it going directly to my hips.
“Please keep me posted if you come across any photos of Wil Wheaton collating paper.” <—- THAT caused gourmet coffee to go flying across my keyboard via my nose. TOTALLY worth it!
That’s it – I’m going to add your blog to my kindle… I’ve been laughing for 20 minutes. In case you would like to share this, as well, here’s a youtube video of my son playing a shaker that looks like a hot dog… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdF99BhvXsw this is what I get after paying for 4 years at Berklee… love you.
Please tell Bridget there’s a job for her at my agency if she wants it. She got you to post the picture, she is clearly a PR samurai. Well-played, Bridget.
Oh my gosh it’s been such a lousy week and this was just a riot. Thanks for the much needed laugh.
No one’s ever taken a picture of me holding water. That’s probably why I’m not famous.
Well done. Well done, indeed.
So I’m pretty delirious right now because of a fever of 103, and my roommate is making me stop reading your blog for today because she says I’m “laughing like a fucking hyena with your head lolling against the wall and everyone that passes by our room thinks you’re high, Jess. Just go to bed or study for your German final.” Yeah well whatever. At least I can still spell, thanks to Firefox spellcheck.
And somewhere sits poor Wil Wheaton…baffled over the sudden bombardment of requests by PR Marketers to collate paper.
Wow…Selma Blair in a scarf. Hard offer to turn down. I should hope, if you love your readers, you WOULD post pics of Elisabeth Shue tying her shoe because awesome *and* ironic @ once.
You know, I was looking forward to a photo of LDP holding water, not a picture of LDP holding water next to two chicks. Don’t they have any photos of him holding water with no interlopers? A photo of LDP with the otter assholes?
You have otters in your attic. You are obviously the next ‘Grey Gardens’.
NOT WIL WHEATON!!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUWXjs2jPQI)
Oh, the sheer terror of it all.
I am holding water right now, I should probably pee so it does not give me a bladder infection.
You know, you are writing some pretty damn fine stuff. Smooth as Miracle Whip on a Christmas nut log. Hey, is this your sister or cousin or something in this video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP5ggZRsNh8
WOW. He is still a hottie. I thought he would be old and wrinkled and fugly by now.
I dunno, I’m kind of interested in the scarf…
Actually, scratch my last post. I’m feeling a little hipster this evening.
I liked water WAY before celebrities decided to go around holding them.
It is one of the wearying horrors of the Corporate Age that responses as clever as yours (I especally liked the riposte requesting a non-water-holding picture) probably just go down what Rachel Maddow called The Memory Hole.
I wish I could thing of some product to ask you to blog about….
I think I just pee’d myself from laughing. Thanks for that!
Haha Jenny strikes again.
Fu**ing with people on the internet is such a glorious thing. Typing up clever attacks is one of my favorite past times. I would go so far to say that responding to idiots with ridiculous and overly-complex messages gets me all hot and bothered. I literally just posted about this Indonesian girl I’ve been corresponding with… there’s a bit of a language barrier. http://bit.ly/hOf1Ij
P.S. Any bloggers out there want to connect and be friendsies?!
let’s talk: grant@athinkcloud.com
This could be like one of those “trading up to a house starting with a paper clip” thing, eventually you’d get to not only @wilw collating paper, but, so-and-so (I am ashamed to admit that it’s taken me the whole day and I still couldn’t remember who your No.1 crush is?!) holding his (I assume your No.1 crush is a guy, if not, not that there’s anything wrong with that) eh uh somethingsomething (I am not sure how aroused you are seeing Bret-Favre-esque pictures so leaving it a blank because I respect you like Charlie Sheen respects his goddesses).
How do I get Bridget’s job?
Hey, that’s my bottle of water! I put it down for a moment when Selma Blair dropped her scarf and then the bottle was gone! Do you think the two of them might have been in collusion to get my water?
Oh how I love you!
I have been wondering what ever happened to La Bamba Dude
“pictures of Bobby Brown if that’s more my prerogative…”
I remember his song. I laughed hardest of all at that line right there. And I’m totally Team Whitney as well, yo.