Goat shoes.

This post is about an email my sister sent me about goat shoes. Also, my dad is a professional taxidermist and my sister will never let me forget how often I get a herniated disk from brushing my hair too hard, or the time I caught a contagious dog disease. Also, Victor broke his arm in 3 places in Mexico this weekend and he's still there because he's too macho to fly home early. When he gets home on Monday night I'm going to break his other arm, or possibly just jostle the bad one a whole lot. This is the incredibly long back-story you need to know to enjoy this tiny little post.

Email from my sister, Lisa:

Lisa: If daddy was into women’s shoes we could totally get him to make these goat shoes.

me: I’d wear those.

Lisa: You would, but then you would fall and have to explain how you broke your ankles wearing goat feet. And then you’d shoot yourself with the non-functioning revolvers.

me:  It’d be easier to defend myself if you knew me much less.

Lisa:  Not really.

me:  So, Victor fell in Mexico this morning and broke his arm in three places.

Lisa:  Are you sure?  Because that sounds a lot like something you’d do.

me:  He fell off the top of a boat.  And then down some stairs.

Lisa:  Oh, yeah.  That sounds way more like him.  Hey, did you read this thing about zombies who are also ants?  We are all screwed. Tell Victor “good luck beating off zombies with just one arm”.

me:  Huh.

Lisa:  Wait, that didn’t sound right.

me:  No, it sounded great.  Never stop emailing me.

UPDATED: Hey, did you know that if you include a link to a post about ants that are also zombies that no one will comment because everyone’s too busy panicking  and sealing all the cracks under the door jambs.  That is totally not how you defend against zombie ants, y’all. My God, you people are amateurs.

Fine. Raid.  Tiny machetes.  Flame-throwers.  You’re welcome.

200 thoughts on “Goat shoes.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wish to God I didn’t think those goat shoes were so freaking cool. But they are. Ick. what’s wrong with me?

    Zombie ants??? OMG – we. are. doomed. Officially!

    Ouch on Victor’s arm – holy God!!!! Try not to hurt him too much more when he gets home!!

  2. I don’t know who I feel worse for, the goat or the person who wears those. I would sort of think that you would need to wear furry pants and elf ears so you could prance around like the half goat-half man from Narnia. And then if people still were not impressed, you could take off the shoes and shoot them.

    Would cut down on the critics.

  3. I have a million responses but I can’t get past the shoes. And the very definition of fashion never ceases to amaze me. But really? I am already afraid of the walmart knock off. Because that? Can’t be good.

  4. Whoa. WHOA. I am immediately referring this image to Significant Other, who should instantly feel better about buying me a pair of pink sandals that turned out to be five times more expensive than I told him they were, on account of my very poor signage interpretation skills while below the Equator.

  5. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with my life that this is, literally, the third time that I’ve seen the goat/gun shoes in the past couple of weeks? Am I doomed? Am I extra cool? w.t.f.

  6. I couldn’t even concentrate on the zombie ants. I’m trying to follow the thought process on designing those shoes.

    Well, I have these extra goat hooves. And a couple of gold revolvers. Whatever will I do? OH! Goat shoes with revolver heels.

  7. Hey! If you wore those shoes you’d have to get leggings like the ones Tom Hanks and Dan Ackroyd wore in “Dragnet”.

    I’m just saying…

  8. when I first read this, I thought the picture was of goat shoes with golden “retriever” heels and all I could think about is how that would just clash. Golden revolvers make much more sense..

  9. I’m not sure what scares me more, the zombie ants or those hideous shoes.

    But if you own those shoes, you can totally kill the zombie ants by tap dancing on them. If you can manage to tap dance in those things.

  10. I would give a million dollars and a kidney to actually watch someone walk in those shoes for 5 full minutes, with stairs involved.

  11. Holy shit those shoes are gonna give me nightmares. I don’t have enough bleach to wipe that from my memory LOL!

    p.s. your sister is cool.

    p.p.s. Don’t baby Victor when he gets back, although I know you won’t.

  12. I read the last sentence of that article as “can be seen gnawing on the top of this dead ant’s head.” I think my version is better.

  13. So, I was just earlier saying I need to buy nice shoes for the possible job interview I might have soon. I am in love with these goat shoes and I want them…inappropriate for a job interview?

  14. I’m not sure what I’m scared of more. The idea that zombies are REAL, or that Sarah Palin has access to a large number of high powered rifles and might one day lead our country. Fucking terrifying, yo.

    But those shoes? They are magical. I wouldn’t wear them, but they sure would look spiffy on my mantle.

  15. Thank God I just ordered several boxes of tiny machetes and flame-throwers on ebay. I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do with them … problem solved.

  16. Please inform your husband that there are much easier ways to get drugs in Mexico than drinking tequila and falling off a ship or down the stairs. Whatever. Tell him to bring you back a goat because you need new shoes. P.S. Zombie Mosquitos are worse.

  17. This is awesome. Because I totally need shoes this week. And now, when my husband complains, I’ll just show him these.

    “Why do you need new shoes?”
    “For hiking. I fell down the mountain yesterday, remember?”
    “But they’re expensive.”
    “Yes, but at least they’re not THESE shoes.”
    “OMFG, what are those?”

    Then, while he stares in horror, I hit PURCHASE on Amazon and it’s too late for him.

    I thank you. My feet thank you. You are a humanitarian. (And a footitarian, but that makes it sound like you eat feet. Though maybe you do. Someone had to hollow out those shoes. I’m not judging.)

  18. Those shoes and zombie ants will keep me up tonight as well. Actually, do you think you could get Wil Wheaton to sport those while collating paper? I’d give my right pinky finger to see that.

  19. I’m presently just feeling thankful that the giant recurring anthill in my backyard presently shows no signs of zombie activity whatsoever. Phew!

  20. Why in hell did I click on that link? Why? Now I am pretty positive zombie ants are coming to kill me and I have no tiny machetes.

  21. I think the zombie ants would live in the goat shoes. And then the revolver would shot them, even thought they won’t die.

    That’s what ran through my head after reading this post.

  22. Lady Gaga wants to know why you stole her shoes. And if those AREN’T her shoes, you should bloody well call her up and say “hey meat-wearing lady, have I got an accessory for you.” I’ll bet she could do something nifty with zombie ants, too. Ditto tiny machetes.
    Flame throwers, though, are just sooo last year.

  23. Thank you…. I think you just cured my wife of her shoe obsession… And me of my dinner.

    Those were hideous.

    Oh, and on the email between you and your sister, Ive only this to say…

    My god there are two of you?!?

    Zombie ants are not so threatening now…. 😉

  24. Those shoes are the funniest damn thing I’ve in a while!
    I’m sorry to hear about Victor. Thank god it wasn’t worse. Wishes for a swift recovery.
    I know that whole bad things come in threes (or at least twos) rule is a ruthless bastard.

  25. I’ll never sleep tonight. I’ll be dreaming I’m wearing those shoes trying to run from the ants. Naked. With rollers in my hair.
    PS ~ Your sister’s as funny as you. Hope the hubby makes it back safe.

  26. She didn’t share the mole shoes? I think they have eyes. (Yes, I double checked. They seem to have eyes.) They don’t function, of course, but I was just thinking that If they were working eyes, that’d be cool because I’ve broken all of my toes stubbing them into furniture. And the moles wouldn’t even have to have my best interests at heart because it’d be self-defense … you know, not want to stub their little mole noses on furniture and all. I don’t think they’d be any help against zombies though.

  27. I totally just sent my daughter a link to this post with the subject line “I love her sense of humor & found the shoes I’m wearing for your wedding”.

    When the men with white jackets come for me I’m calling you.

  28. I TOTALLY thought Lady Gaga shoes! But I can’t say anything really. I just found out that my cat has been stalking a mouse in my closet for 2 days now and then I SAW IT! And now I have the closet and room closed off and I have towls stuffed under the door until I can go to Target and get a trap that wont kill the poor mouse. Long story short…I wouldn’t buy those shoes…but they also kinda freak me out. And the damn ANTS! Oh how the world works. I just hope that the fungus only goes after the ants and not US. Or the monkeys. Cus if it goes after the monkeys they will all come eat us. I know they will. Monkeys hate us.

  29. What kind of chaps do you wear with goat boots? With the gun heels, they totally look like something you could duel in, so I could see accessorizing with chaps and a cowboy hat maybe.

    I’m glad Victor’s okay (I’d fall off a boat and down a flight or two of stairs too). I’m fairly certain I heard zombie ants can live in casts though, especially the shitty budget ones you get on vacations.

  30. I love your sister. ‘Tell Victor “good luck beating off zombies with just one arm”.’= hilarious.
    I am sorry about his arm though. *sad face*
    …Now those shoes- holy goats. Seriously??? They would be a great gift for those hard to buy for centaurs who are also gun collectors.

  31. “The researchers worry that the change may lead to the extinction of newly discovered species.” What kind of evil scientist WORRIES that the zombie-creating fungus will be destroyed??? That’s when we crack open the tequila and celebrate, and then go clean up the carcasses of our loved ones!!!

  32. Those shoes… those shoes…

    I’m going to have nightmares.

    I mean, ants have always been creepy, but goats were all right, you know? They used to be all right…

  33. Since no one would know the difference, if they’d just call those shoes “camel toe” pumps men would be buying them for their sweeties sight-unseen. Hell, they’d be buying them for themselves sight-unseen.

  34. If you had the goat shoes you could step on the zombie ants. That’ll SHOE them! Bwahaha I crack myself up.

  35. Why is Victor planning on beating off zombies, anyway? They’ll still eat his brains after the happy ending.

    On the other hand, now that they’ve identified the fungus, it’s only a matter of time before they find a cure. Maybe you should get to work on that. You’re out in the country, which is the preferred place to set up a meth lab…um, I mean, zombie cure research lab. If you incorporate goats into the mix, you could have an endless supply of those shoes. And you are in Texas, so I assume the golden revolvers are stockpiled somewhere on your property already. Now for a name…Zom-B-Gone? Jenny’s Patented Anti-zombie Fungal Spray? Gungoatant salve?

  36. FINALLY. Just what I need to complete my High-Class Hooker with a Heart (and Heel) of Gold Who is Also a Centaur outfit. Hopefully they can offer a discount if I buy two pair…

    Thanks, Jenny!

  37. I think the shoes scare me more then the ants…. or maybe my husband has just prepared me enough for the pending zombie apocalypse that zombie ants will be nothing. I mean come on.. as long as you are wearing shoes squish the fuckers, their itty bitty zombiefied brains will be shoe goo.

  38. I hear that ants are repelled by mint and lavendar, so not only do we get to use tiny little flame throwers, we get to smell good while it happens.

    And he broke his arm in THREE places? Way to be an overachiever.

  39. I am much more afraid of those hideous shoes than I am of zombie ants. In fact, I believe I am more afraid of those shoes than anything else in the world.

  40. Better start getting in shape for when the fungus jumps to lizards and monkeys and finally people and then they swarm up north and in one great tidal wave of fungal zombie people, overrun the U.S. Oh yeah, and stock up on supplies and stuff too.

  41. The PTA would start taking me a lot more seriously if I strolled into the next meeting in those babies.

  42. My sister never sends me photos of goat shoes, only photos of herself and her babies posing as raptors.
    On the other hand, I bought her some tranny shoes for our drag queen costumes at Mardi Gras and they don’t fit. What am I supposed to do with un-returnable, size a-million, sequinned-platforms, when I’m size a-million-and-one?

  43. What was the chance that you would post about zombie ants on the same day I start playing Resident Evil 4 again? If you aren’t aware, that’s the one with zombie parasites which my old roommate discovered were real for biology paper.

    One is found in mice/rats, but it wants to be in cats, so it makes the mice/rats forget that they are supposed to be afraid of cats and then then the cats eat them and the parasite. I don’t know what the parasite does after it gets into the cat though.

  44. Meh, zombie ants aren’t new.
    Cows eat them all the time, which means that your beef is from zombie eating cows which probably makes the meat questionable. But that’s with a different type of zombie ant, not the ones in Brazil, the ones in our backyards.

    I think it just begs the question “Why are cows pretending to be veggies if they eat zombie ants all the time?!”. Are the cows waiting until they can eat US?! I’m just saying you don’t find many dead bodies around cows.

    Now I want a burger. BURRRRRRRRGERRRRRRRRR!

  45. In all honesty, I’ve been worrying about zombie ants for a long time. I mean, what if those fuckers remain just as organized after being zombiefied? You can stomp a bunch of them at first, but I’ve been the victim of a fire-ant swarm, and they don’t play around. Scary shit. Those goat shoes are pretty creepy too, and–OH MY GOD IS THAT A ZIPPER?! It would seem a little sick to lace them up, I guess. Although I truly can’t think of a single method of wear that seems acceptable. But the revolver heels do a good job of making them classy. Hm.

  46. I read this shortly after acting like a total crazy ass to my poor, unsuspecting boyfriend. Now I don’t feel crazy. He thanks you, not knowingly, but he does. You are basically a relationship counselor now. If you need to add that your resume, I can be a reference. Do know that I didn’t comment right away because I was out buying supplies and standing on my porch screaming profanities at the zombie ants to “bring it.” Thats because I’m not scared of anything, not ants at least. I once watched a movie about killer ants and they tried to kill them with guns. I thought that was stupid and thought of other ways to kill swarms of ants that would be more effective so, for once in my life, I feel adequately prepared. Thanks for that too. Relationship counselor and ant zombie apacolypse… coach?

  47. And now zombie ants will haunt my dreams. Also, totally intrigued by the shoes. And this isn’t the first time I’ve seen them either. Not that I would wear them. Probably not. Maybe if I ever did a macabre drag show. But I don’t know if I would do a drag show to begin with. But if I did, my drag name would totally be Ophelia Derrière. And those shoes would make me at least 6’6″. And now I’m brainstorming a drag outfit around those shoes. I know this shop on Etsy that does taxidermy jewelry, but who would I get to make the corset? Damnit, I don’t even have a car; I can’t afford a fur, leather, and feather drag outfit with gold enameled bird foot earrings and goat hoof shoes. And then I would be afraid some PETA person would throw red paint on me and ruin all that hard work and money spent. Bah, this is all too hypothetical, and I need to go to bed. I swear I’m not usually like this. I blame daylight savings time fucking up my sleep schedule.

  48. I think shotguns and flamethrowers will still be effective against zombie ants. I’ll also be getting a pet anteater and having him drink holy water.

    The real problem comes when we have zombie giant squids.

  49. Ooo! I’ve heard of these zombie ants! That fungi thing was on the ‘Planet Earth’ DVD’s released awhile back. It’s not just ants they pick on, it’s every little bug in the Amazon. Those ants are clever though – the minute the zombie ant starts acting mental, the soldier ant exiles it far away from the colony.

    I remember hearing that the film crew were scoping the jungles looking for ‘distressed ants’ & kept finding the end plant-head results but not the zombie-ant stage.

    He he he…distressed ants.

  50. Adopt me? Please? I will totally help beat off the zombies with both arms. With both arms was meant to be italicized but I can’t figure out how to do it. Never mind, I am too technologically un-savvy to be your adopted child. But I totally spelled italicized right first try, which will be way more useful in a post-apocalyptic zombie-land than knowing how to actually italicize. Seriously, I could be the fake school teacher who helps the kids learn how to spell and read so we can rebuild society. And I would save them from the zombies by beating the zombies off with my bare hands. Except then I’d probably get bitten, and I’d hide it until it was too late to be saved, and then you’d have to shoot me to save the children and it would be just like Old Yeller except less depressing. Or maybe more depressing. I don’t know, I’ve never actually watched it because who wants to see a dog get shot?

    Yeah, you probably shouldn’t adopt me.

  51. Those shoes are freaking amazing. I always wanted goats. If I had those shoes I would wear them out to take care of them. They’d know I was the leader. They’d RESPECT. 🙂

  52. they shoes are AWESOME. Breaking the arm, not so much. Get well soon Victor. But the shoes, and the ants… AwesomeSauce

  53. Well of COURSE we’re amateurs. Why would we know how to handle zombie ants?? That’s what we have YOU for. (BTW, thank you. I wasn’t sure if Raid would work, and I certainly never thought of tiny flame-throwers.) Hey, I wonder if you could just wear the Goat Shoes and stomp the suckers to death? I’m just saying…

  54. Dude, that’s so chizdumplings. Also, to the rest of you: you amateurs! I’ve been bushwhacking zombie ants for years now! 😀

  55. I’m disgusted by those shoes, but I really want to go drinking with the person who thought them up.

  56. Between the goat shoes (which are FABULOUSLY disgusting) and the idea of Zombie Ants it’s almost too much stimulation for my little brain before coffee. I should probably go get some coffee THEN come back and comment so that I can be all geniusy and clever. Before my coffee? I’m relating very much to the Zombie ants. Maybe they aren’t REALLY mind-controlled and they are just out of coffee?

  57. Goat-feet shoes are the next big thing, but within them lies the key to the zombie outbreak. It wasn’t until modern women, whose skin is saturated with cosmetic chemicals, began wearing scooped-out goat feet on their tender, pedicured human feet, that the savage goat-feet blisters became commonplace.

    Once the formaldehyde mutated goat DNA came into contact with an open wound on a pampered foot, all hell broke loose, and the living envied the dead.

  58. I’ve (thankfully) never seen a *goat* on the side of the parkway, but if I were to gather enough squirrels and raccoons, do you think your Dad could whip me up something cute in a 9 1/2 W?

  59. I’m pretty sure the zombie ant website is like the video in The Ring, but instead of dying everyone’s turning into zombies and when they come back here all their comments are getting kicked into your spam box because, really, doesn’t most spam sound like “mmmm…brains…groan…I’m an exhiled African Prince…rrraaarrr…”

  60. It occurs to me that perhaps they are not actually for wearing. Maybe they’re just a fine showpiece, designed to “break the ice” during those awkward dinner parties when the Big Boss comes over and a failed evening meant for gaeity and delight costs you the Johnson account.

    In that case, I applaud these goat shoes. I don’t know how you’d dust them, but maybe you could put them under one of those glass domes usually used for piles of acorns in Pottery Barn catalogs. Or some canned air.

  61. My daughter is totally into Lady Gaga and Narnia. The Easter Bunny is TOTALLY bringing her those.

  62. How on earth did someone manage to make those things without adding glitter or at least a handful of rhinestones? Amateurs.

  63. That’s amazing! I hope the mind control fungus doesn’t cross species. Who would have thought that a fungus would be our downfall?

  64. I couldn’t read through all the comments (sorry, I’m at work), but am I the only one that finds it odd that the goat shoes were revealed in the same post at the news of Victor’s broken arm?
    Victor … those shoes are definitely not fishing-appropriate, dude.

  65. Wait a second… is that really the correct spelling for “door jamb”? Like, lamb?

    Holy shit, I’ve been spelling it wrong my entire life. I’ve got to go back and correct some stuff before my mind explodes.

    Your sister and you remind me a whole lot of my sister and me. I love it.

  66. Gah. I don’t know which is worse, the shoes or the article about zombie ants. What I DO know is that I’m super happy that there are 14 hours until bed time so I have time to get something else in my head.

    Also, I’m a little itchy since reading the zombie ants article.

    I hope Victor is getting sympathy from the people he’s with now. He’s sure not going to get any at home. Sympathy, that is.

  67. Do you have to wear a goat skin ensemble to match the shoes or could you play it off like Faun Chic and keep your top half comfy with a regular old hoodie? Either way, doesn’t matter, I guess. I would wear those suckers like a fine, young Goat Girl.

  68. What was that movie where the gal had a machine gun for a leg? Anyhow, these shoes are totally the old west version of that (if they replaced some one’s amputated feet.) I sense a prequel in the making…

  69. @Angela, the movie was Planet Terror. Rose McGowan had the leg.

    Zombie ants are no big deal, call me when it’s the bears.

  70. Not to be a killjoy, but I’m pretty sure those are cow hooves, not goat.

  71. I really really really got ill looking at those goat shoes. Why do these exist? Even thinking about them now without the photo in front of my, I’m feeling a bit queasy.

    Wait….zombie ants??? WTF? Ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!

    (delayed reaction courtesy of the time change and too much yard work this weekend)

  72. I would love to see you in those shoes, actually more like boots. Your sister sound just as awesome as you. Your parents did such a great job with y’all. Love ya!

  73. I can’t help but wonder how the conception behind these shoes arose. I’d like to think it was some rouge taxidermist staring out of his window one day at goats in the distance when he happened upon the idea for goat shoes. He probably told his rebellious teenage son about his brilliant goat-shoe plan. The son, being full of angst and hormones and hormonal-angst, probably told him that it was a stupid idea and that the shoes would merely attract bears. At this point the revolvers in the heels came into play, and thus was born one of the most horrifying fashion statements since Bjork’s goose dress. In fact, it was probably the same designer. I mean, what are the odds of two separate designers creating a goose-dress /and/ goat-shoes?

  74. But on the positive side, if the fungus does mutate and take over Victor’s defenseless self, they’ll name it after him. Win.

  75. People keep saying that Lady Gaga should wear these shoes, but they forget that she’s opposed to the wearing of fur. I don’t know that she would be cool with them.

  76. Oh my! Zombie Ants? With fungi growing out of their heads? What the hell is this world coming to? My zombie protection plan includes cricket bats, like Shaun of the Dead. How am I going to use a cricket bat on zombie ants? How do I get a miniature flamethrower? Better yet, how do I hide a miniature flamethrower from the boys?

  77. I saw those goat boots in LL Bean, in the mountain/rock climbing supply section. Sucks to be Victor, and I HOPE you’ll be filling us in on the backstory as to why you want to break his other arm…

  78. I don’t want to talk about those shoes. They will for sure give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

  79. @Sarah: you need a little, tiny cricket bat for the zombie ants, duh. Also? Since I saw the goat shoes, I have “Pistol-packin’ Mama” stuck in my head.

  80. Oh
    GAH!!! I want those shoes! Just so I can wear them to client meetings, and when my company gets all uppity, I can toss that diversity crap in their face and tell them its my right to wear goat shoes!

  81. I wish you still had your help page. If you lived in the Pacific Northwest and you thought that the reactors in Japan were going to go and you knew the cloud would be here in a week would you stop our diet? If you were actually on one and would drink, because you really needed to? And, really, would you show up at the office? It’s 2011, can’t the world get together and do SOMETHING FOR JAPAN!!!

  82. well, shit! all i need to do is wear those shoes and stop shaving my legs, and go around topless. i’ll instantly be Pan! and everyone wants to be a half-goat deity…
    right? anybody?
    well, more for me! but perhaps i can find fuzzy pants. a little less breezy.

  83. There’s a joke about breaking your arm in three places, but Victor wouldn’t appreciate it. If he ever returns to those three places.

  84. I don’t really get the shoes. Are they just for show or are they functional? I mean, are the hoofs hollowed out so you can slide your toes in? And if so, wouldn’t your feet just touch the ground? Wouldn’t you need to also get the equivalent of horse-shoes? Or are the hoofs solid and you just have to have really small feet and the hooves are like platforms? I guess I don’t really get hooves, but who wouldn’t want to walk around on pistol barrels! That just screams, “I’M HOT AND I’M DANGEROUS!”

    Anyway, I wanted to also let you know that Jane from Jane’s Junk and Treasures did an interview with me for my blog and she said that you are one of her favorite blogs so I linked to your blog from my blog. Blog blog blog. Check it out if you are so inclined.

  85. I don’t know, I think you buried the lead. Zombie ants controlled by fungi are pretty cool. You could get a whole colony mind-controlled to move those shoes and freak out everyone watching the goat shoes walk by themselves.

    Poor Victor, don’t jiggle his bad arm too much when he gets home.

  86. Those are so Lady Gaga.

    I would be “Airport falling” with no paparazzi taking pictures. There would be only passers-by pointing and laughing at me and my goat gun shoes…until I uncork the heels filled with Zombie Ants, put on my sneakers and run!

  87. Actually, I was installing tiny shotguns on the heels of all my shoes, as per your handy photo reference. I won’t even have to lean down to blow those ant zombies away.

  88. I’m hoping my sons don’t see those shoes. They will immediately design a boot using similar materials. Possibly with a matching hat.

  89. If your husband is beating off zombie ants, your problems may be bigger than a broken arm. You may want to consider a divorce lawyer (this is assuming that Victor is some kind of significant other.. for all I know, he could be a talking dog)

  90. Could I *rent* those goat shoes?
    Also, I already hate ants, and so you just ruined my day. (Not really though, cuz I love you.)
    Also again, I hope Vitor is feeling ok. Was he wearing the goat shoes when he fell? If not, perhap syou can buy them for him to lift his spirit.

  91. Zombie ants? How would you even go about killing those? Would just stepping on them work? Do you get Alice from Resident Evil involved or no? Maybe Rick Moranis and his shrinking machine would be better? But that sounds like a bad idea…I just don’t know…

  92. I think your zombie ants link just crashed Firefox. This is worrying. This leads me to believe you weren’t accurate when you recommended flame throwers. The zombie ants can infect fiery foxes goddamit.

    We need a rethink on strategy here people

  93. I have never been so disturbed by the sight of anything in my entire life. Ever. I would voluntarily sit through “Purple Rain” again for the promise of getting the goat shoe image out of my head for forever.

  94. holy shit. my daughter has been talking about those damn zombie ants. i thought she was kidding, until now. i have my axe ready for the zombie ant apocalypse.

    also those goat shoes scare me.

  95. Wait. Your dad’s a professional taxidermist? And you had to BUY James Garfield? I would have expected to find James Garfield under the Christmas tree or as a gift for my Sweet 16 Birthday. A great baptism gift might be something like this: http://crappytaxidermy.com/tagged/pope_mouse. Upon graduating from the Berklee School of Music one would be delighted to receive this: http://crappytaxidermy.com/tagged/anthropomorhic_taxidermy

    You and Dad (IF that’s his real name) need to have a chat. If you already have those wonderful gifts and more, my apologies to your father.

  96. At first I was all OMG those shoes will haunt my nightmares. Then I really thought it through & realized those shoes are they key to living out my naughty fawn fantasies with James McAvoy.so thanks.

    And I can’t believe you didn’t mention the fungi that turns ants into zombies. I tweeted the video of the fungi infecting an ant a few weeks ago. That is some scary freaking shit right there. I figure it’s only a matter of time before the fungi goes after bigger targets -namely humans – because let’s face it, an ant can’t even move an effing rubber tree plant. What the hell good are they?? So in preparation for the impending zombie apocalypse I’ve been watching The Walking Dead & revising my plans to include provisions for airborne fungi spohrs.

  97. You know what? I totally got an email about zombie ants a day or week ago so now? I can’t post about it because I am slow and drunk most of the time.

    Thanks Jenny.l

  98. Have you ever noticed that Greyhounds (the dogs, not the buses) look like Zombies? They do. And they stare at you.

  99. Hate to be a total killjoy here but jendemonium was right. Those aren’t goat hooves. They are cow hooves.


    Goat hooves: http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs37/f/2008/280/3/2/Goat_hooves_by_LilleahWest.jpg

    Cow hooves: http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/6868970/2/istockphoto_6868970-cow-hoof-macro.jpg

    (also I’m totally a goat breeder. And I’ve *handled* dead goat hooves. They would be much more deadly than cow hooves as they are about 1/4 of the size and you’d have to be super agile to balance on them.)

  100. Wonder if Christian Louboutin will puck up on this trend. He’ll TOTALLY hit on it with the Renaissance Fair nerds & I even see Posh Spice going for a pair of Bambi Boots with red soles… Totally the new rage in the Fall. This is happening. First it was the animal skin patterns, you knew it had to come down to eventually using the ACTUAL animal itself. How much would you pay if you found James Garfield’s feet & could wear them as shoes?!

  101. I told my husband your husband went to Mexico and broke his arm in three places, and he said, “Mexico City, Acapulco, and Cabo?”

    He has way more imagination than I do.

  102. Those belong on RegrEtsy. The nervousness hasn’t even fully hit me yet. I think I’m going to navigate away from this page before it does.

  103. So, I have a question: if you are bitten by a Zombie Ant, do you turn into a Zombie? Or an Ant?


  104. It’s not that I *want* the shoes specifically, I just kind of want to know what it would feel like to have hooves. Just for a moment. Just to try them on, have a little walk and afterwards think “Huh. So that’s what it’s like to have hooves… I’ll stick with my regular flat squishy feet though, thanks.”

    They should, at the very least, keep them in some sort of boutique for exactly this purpose.

  105. Those look something straight out of Lady Gaga’s costume closet. Do you think the shoes would aide in defense from zombie ants?!

  106. FYI, I had some strange dreams last night about goats at war with ants and the goats had weapons and were shooting at the ants, but the ants didn’t care, they just started chanting and casting spells on the goats and then the goats started dancing and the ants all died.

    I blame you.

  107. ahahahahaha Oh my God you are incredible!!

    I just discovered your blog and I’ll keep reading for sure !

    Please don’t break the other arm of Victor: sure it would be difficult to beat ant zombies with one arm, but can you imagine how difficult is to beat them WITHOUT arms??? You’ll have to do all your work on your own then, that’s not smart!! 😀


    -The Red Dot-

  108. Somewhere, probably in Montana or wherever goats live, there’s a footless AND gun-less goat. Poor bastard. Life is so unfair. And? The ant thing totally supports my life long philosophy that all bugs must be squashed.

  109. Those shoes are quite possibly the most frightening footwear I’ve ever seen. And why are you snooping in Lady Gaga’s closet, anyway?

  110. I knew those bastard ants were going to murder me. I put down potato flakes. That should do it, right? because instant mashed potatoes are totally poison.

  111. so, I’ve been overly obsessively analyzing the zombie ant situation. Because who wouldn’t?
    And here’s what I’m thinking:
    If we could befriend the zombie fungus somehow and get it on our side, like with bribery because fungus is easily swayed, we could use the zombie fungus to our advantage when the human zombies attack. Then instead of eating us, they’d eat each other because of the fungus.
    Which makes we wonder if we REALLY know what’s going on with belly button lint.
    Just sayin.

    I no longer trust the mushrooms that grow in my yard each summer, by the way.

  112. The zombie ants were weird looking, that’s for sure, but I can’t get too far past the goat shoes. They can’t come in that many sizes because well goats aren’t all that big so really what size food would that fit. They also look very unstable, like you’d put your foot in and the second you put weight on it the revolver goes flying and you’ve broken whatever possible bones are left in the goat foot.

    I’m putting way too much thought into this.

  113. We need sisters to keep us in line and remind of all the embarrassing shit we did when we were kids…and fuck up as adults.

  114. @Jendemonium- that’s what I was thinking too. I actually have goats (little dairy goats if you must know), and those shoes look way too big to be goat feet, unless they’re made for toddlers, and then that is a whole different level of disturbing. And they just look more like cow toes than goat toes.

    Yes, Bloggess, this is the type of comment you get when a real live (goat) milk maid reads your blog. Or would I be a milk matron since I’m all married and stuff? That sounds old. And not as sexy. Though sexy isn’t really associated with goats or goat tending, but trust me I AM. Wait. That doesn’t sound right either.

    Point is, I those are cow feet, or toddler shoes. Your choice.

  115. Holy Shit those are real zombies!! This is a real zombie threat people!!! What is being done? Why is this not all over the news? We need a plan here! Is it weird I’m truly concerned about this?

  116. Robert Rodriguez could totally make those shoes work in a movie…and look hot at the same time. He could also find something to do with those damn ants. Oh…hell, he could even use victor and his broken arm. And you, with your brush or sister or whatever other crazy comes to your mind. Please let Robert Rodriguez know he needs you!

  117. I don’t know if it’s your blog or the story about the ants…but now I’m itchy.

  118. After seeing those hot ass shoes, I’m finding myself not entirely opposed to embracing the Furry lifestyle and dressing up like a goat. Neaah Neaah.

  119. Dear Bloggess,

    Please please please tell me you have an android smart phone. Because then you can download a little app they call “Androidify” and I call “Turn All Your Contacts into Zombie Ants.” Google it. Now you can practice your cool ninja moves on your beloved zombie ant infested friends. You’re welcome. But don’t blame me if you break your phone.

  120. You amaze me (in the best way possible)
    And now your sister amazes me too (also in the best way possible)

  121. So yer hubby beats off zombie ants…must take a while, if zombies have no feelings. On the other hand, if he’s not using a microscope to find their dicks, it’s obvious they’re hung better than Southern racists.
    The shoes are great, and I hope to see them on Atlanta TV soonest, so the local idiots will decide that the wearers are avatars of Satan, start hollering for gun control, and quit lecturing me about Obama being the Antichrist.

  122. Zombie Ants…I knew it! So I’m not crazy! Really I’m not…my mom had me tested. Poor, Poor Victor…you’ll have to make him jello when he gets back.

  123. So, like, I laughed until I actually read the captions on that Zombie Ant site. OH MY GOD!! It’s real, for real??? Truly, terror has a new picture in my mental dictionary.

    My favorite caption: “The researchers observed that one of the study sites has become significantly hotter and drier, a change they attribute to global warming. This may be good news to the ants, which are more able adapt to the change, but not the fungus. The researchers worry that the change may lead to the extinction of newly discovered species.”

    The researchers are WORRIED that the ZOMBIFYING FUNGUS might become extinct?? Seriously, they think this is a bad thing?? I say Rock On global warming! Keep up the heat.

  124. LADY GAGA WOULD SO TOTALLY WEAR THESE. Someone tweet her the link right now!

  125. it’s taken me four days to realize that doesn’t say golden RETRIEVER heels. I couldn’t figure out what the guns had to do with it. It makes so much more sense now.

  126. All I can say is, at least they didn’t name the zombie ant fungus after Snookie or a Twilight character. “This just in – Snookarcophagii Edbellosis fungi have spread to Japan, causing country wide destruction, love of pickles, and sunlight sensitivity.”

    Also, kinda want those shoes….

  127. I can’t stop staring at these shoes, I think it the zippers around the top that is bothering me. It’s like someone just held the goat down, unzipped his feet and then let him go. I am worried about Goat, is he walking around on just unzippered stumps now????? Is there a way we can save the stumpy footed goats by using the paws left over form the “inside out kitten mittens for the homeless” ??? Maybe each kitten paw could be one goat toe. Do goats have toes? I need to think this one through a little more, but i bet we can make it work.

  128. The gun heels bother me a bit. Do you need a gun to kill a goat? I’ve never killed a goat so I don’t really know how you go about killing one. Perhaps you do.

    This has me perplexed.

  129. Those revolvers should be functioning. That way, if you think about wearing them, you can just shoot yourself in the face right then and there. Because clearly, if you wear those, you’re an asshole and deserve to die.

  130. I’ve read this blog for months and I’ve never commented, and now I am doing so for purely selfish reasons.
    I started a blog.
    I’m trying to find people who will enjoy my blog.
    I know I’m selfish…but I’m sure Jenny also enjoys the comment count going up.
    So… Selfish times 4 minus 1 comment plus the fact that I follow her on twitter also, times the fact that I signed the planned parenthood petition equals… you should probably check out my blog.

  131. I would read through the previous comments ’cause I’m sure I’m about to repeat at least one, but there are 195 of them by now and I’m way too sleepy/lazy (delete as applicable)…

    Your sister sounds a lot like you. Unless you were paraphrasing (which is kinda cheating, naughty naughty), her parts of the conversation sound so much like stuff you’d say. But she is related to you, so I guess that would explain a lot…

  132. MY BROTHER MADE THESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: