Email from my sister, Lisa:
Lisa: If daddy was into women’s shoes we could totally get him to make these goat shoes.
me: I’d wear those.
Lisa: You would, but then you would fall and have to explain how you broke your ankles wearing goat feet. And then you’d shoot yourself with the non-functioning revolvers.
me: It’d be easier to defend myself if you knew me much less.
Lisa: Not really.
me: So, Victor fell in Mexico this morning and broke his arm in three places.
Lisa: Are you sure? Because that sounds a lot like something you’d do.
me: He fell off the top of a boat. And then down some stairs.
Lisa: Oh, yeah. That sounds way more like him. Hey, did you read this thing about zombies who are also ants? We are all screwed. Tell Victor “good luck beating off zombies with just one arm”.
Lisa: Wait, that didn’t sound right.
me: No, it sounded great. Never stop emailing me.
UPDATED: Hey, did you know that if you include a link to a post about ants that are also zombies that no one will comment because everyone’s too busy panicking and sealing all the cracks under the door jambs. That is totally not how you defend against zombie ants, y’all. My God, you people are amateurs.
Fine. Raid. Tiny machetes. Flame-throwers. You’re welcome.