You probably need this

Yesterday I had the shittiest day ever and I was right on the edge of having a total breakdown and then my sister emailed me and was all “I don’t care about your personal problems.  Let’s talk about Little House on the Prairie”.  And it made me feel better.  Maybe it’ll make you feel better too.

This is that story:

Lisa: So they gave Victor the whole morphine cart when he had his surgery?  You probably should pocket some for yourself just to get through having to deal with this.  Remember when Charles Jr. got addicted to morphine on Little House on the Prairie and he threw up in that shoebox?  Avoid that.  No one wants your vomit in a shoebox.

Hang on. Crap, I just googled it, and it wasn’t Charles who was the junky. It was the adopted kid, Albert. Which makes more sense, because I THOUGHT he was adopted, but then was all, he couldn’t be adopted because his name was Charles Jr. Oh Little House on the Prairie, you are so brilliant.

me: I TOTALLY remember the Albert morphine vomit episode.  Scarred me for life.  That one and the one where ma had to cut off her own leg (Way to fuck up again, Doc Baker) because the Bible told her too, and the one where Albert fell in love with that raped girl who ended up getting murdered by that guy in the mime mask. Little House on the Prairie was fucked up. I’m reading the books to Hailey and there’s a chapter in the real book where pa joins a minstrel show and dances around in black-face to entertain the town and everyone in the town is all “THIS IS THE MOST MAGICAL, GLORIOUS THING EVER”. No shit. THAT HAPPENED.  I skipped that chapter. I told Hailey it was about how pa picked up a drinking problem.  There was also a chapter where ma says “the only good Indian is a dead Indian”.  I changed it to “The only good Indian is an Indian who likes pie.  I’ve always been suspicious of people who don’t like pie”  It didn’t make sense but I figured she can wait until at least first grade before I explain the intricacies of early pioneer racism.

Lisa: Good call.  Also, Albert should have shared his morphine with racist ma.  What a selfish asshole.

me: I think maybe Albert was dead then. Remember that episode when he got a bunch of nosebleeds and Doc Baker was all “You’re totally going to die” but then in his final scene all the school kids held hands with him in a field and everyone was really happy?  I always thought that they cured him with the hand-holding thing but then he was already dead by the next episode so apparently hand-holding isn’t all that effective to battle fatal-nose-bleed-disease.   That was a really fucked up series.

Lisa: I have some theories on this whole Knut the dead polar bear saga that is going on, but my baby’s freaking out. In a nutshell….Polar bears are smarter than us. The end.

me: NBC did a story about Knut dying but someone mistyped the wording on the screen and so instead it said “KUNT DIES“. Too soon, NBC.

Lisa: Go watch this right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qsclhKhAss&feature=youtu.be

Did you watch it yet? Go…speakers on. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but you’re all jacked up on morphine. Now when Victor is whining about not having any more drugs left tomorrow you can be all, “Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit.  Honey Badger will get bit by in the face by a cobra and just take a light cat nap.  And then he eats the cobra.”  You’re welcome.

Comment of the day: If you just read the comments and not the blog posting, you’ll feel like you’re in a room where everyone is on drugs but you. ~ Karen

222 thoughts on “You probably need this

Read comments below or add one.

  1. HOLEEEE CRAP!! I remember Ma Ingalls cutting a chunk out of her leg, cause she was all crazy-delirious with infections. MESSED RIGHT UP.

  2. My sister and I call the nosebleed-handholding episode “dying up the mountain”… Because it ends with Albert and Laura climbing a mountain which, in my opinion, is the last thing one should do when you’re prone to nosebleeds.
    Charles Jr. Dies because Laura wished it and then she felt guilty so SHE climbed a mountain and met a scary man who carved her a cross and was supposed to be some metaphor for God. Pa and Mr. Edwards found her because everyone knows that crosses flow DOWNSTREAM.
    God came back later to shoot a lightening bolt at Pa’s makeshift altar when his other adopted kid got shot in the bank when he went to deposit his birthday money…then that kid went on to make Arrested Development.

  3. Whenever my mom and I watch Little House I always ask her after about 5 minutes if Mary is blind yet. It’s how I decipher if I want to watch the episode.

  4. The whole thing smacks of insincerity because they didn’t even HAVE shoeboxes on the prairie. They bought their shoes in bulk from quaint, attractive barrels at the general store. If you got two that matched and they both fit, you called it a day, went home, and barfed on the dirt floor like a true American.

  5. Little House on the Prairie was both ahead of its time and wrong on so many levels. I’d need a morphine cart to get through it today! But somehow I was glued to the screen as a kid. Just goes to show – kids really don’t know anything!

  6. Umm that video was amazing. Im totally going to show it to my 4th grade class this afternoon.

  7. Ah, the joys of Little House. I remember reading the books when I was young, and seeing the show also when I was young. Given that I am now not young, it amazes me that this is still a topic of conversation anywhere in civilized society. And yet still, my strongest memory of the whole series was Mr Edwards singing “Old Dan Tucker.”

  8. Wow I think I’m really glad we never got enought TV stations to watch Little House on the Prarie as a kid…. I read the books, but don’t remember Ma taking a chunk out of her leg. Or Albert at all. Or dying nosebleed mountains. Maybe I had a morphine cat while I was reading….

  9. I’d like to see the (surviving) cast of Little House on the Prairie compete on Survivor with the cast of Road to Avonlea. Survivor: The Olden Days

  10. LHOTP has sidetracked me from many important things. Like finishing Harv’s 30th birthday gift. I got so caught up Mary Ingalls’s plight to regain her sight that I didn’t finish his gift. That was three years ago. It’s still not done. I can’t help it that I’m such a good wife.

    I hope Victor feels better soon. You too, Jenny…don’t forget to be good to yourself.

  11. You know I never saw little house on the prairie so I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    What’s interesting is I saw this link come up on my facebook feed… I thought, “little house of the prairie, pah, I know nothing of it” and didn’t click.

    I then switched over to twitter and saw your link in my twitter feed – and I guess I felt like all my social media channels were forcing me to click through.

    The moral(s) of the story

    1. I spend too much time on social media
    2. Social media peer pressures me into doing stuff I wouldn’t
    3. Am I socially medially stalking you?
    4. I don’t have to understand anything you write about to be thoroughly amused!

  12. Little House was one of the most devastating television experiences of my youth. That and Animal Kingdom were filled with death and anxiety. It is probably why to this day TV gives me anxiety. I’m getting nervous just thinking about it all.

  13. Thank you, Bloggess. You, Albert’s morphine addiction, and this 7 pound piece of leftover birthday cake that I’m eating for lunch has made this day infinitely better.
    AMo

  14. I couldn’t love that honey badger video any more if tried. And I want to go out drinking with that narrator. And have him call me Honey Badger, and narrate everything I do.

  15. Don’t remember Little house on the Prarie at all…I must thank my parents for both not making me watch it and not making me read the books. I think my sister read one of the books, but it was like a cleaned up version…
    Love the honey badger…I wish they actually made honey and then we could be all see we don’t need bees, the badgers can do it too. Would totally cut down on stupid people and their unsupervised pets ruining flower beds…

  16. I have blocked out all the dark stuff from Little House, evidently. I watched it every morning while I ate my Captn Crunch. But next time I ask for something from the Roman Dirge/Lenore collection and my mother accuses me of being dark I am TOTALLY pointing the finger back at her. I mean Little House? Who does that to their kids and expects them to come out sunshiney and full of sparkles?

  17. Why is Lisa so quick to say no one would want a shoebox full of your morphine vomit? Sure, normal people wouldn’t, but not everyone’s normal. I mean, did you ever watch Little House on the Prairie? There are some fucked up people out there.

  18. Now I know why my mom didn’t let me watch the show! I was only allowed to read the books and I had to let her know if anything seemed “off” to me so she could explain..I thought she was oddly protective over the series and wanted to make sure I didn’t screw up the meaning but now I understand that she was just protecting me from one fucked up never ending story. Now I need to watch the whole series and re-read the books. I am also worried that I wasn’t scarred. I guess my readin comprehension was crap when I was 8.

  19. I just wanted to thank you for your daily posts. You are my savior during my work breaks I like to come to your site and read up on your daily posts. Please keep them coming 😛

    ~J

  20. My new name is honey badger so I can say “honey badger don’t give a shit”!
    I love you and I love your sister. Hugs for posting this. Turns out, I did need it!

  21. Holy *shit*. I read the books and I watched the show. How was it SO fucked up and I never noticed? God. It sure explains a lot about me.

    Also…I want an entire cart of morphine. How should I get one? Break both of my arms?

  22. I never liked Little House on the Prairie. No one is that damn happy through floods, famine, blizzards and blindness UNLESS they have drugs on board.

  23. Michael Landon’s Hair should have gotten its own credit on that show. Who knew that hairdressers and fine hair care products were so prevalent on the frontier?

  24. I never liked Little House on the Prairie. Sometimes I was forced to watch it by my best friend or my sister, but EVERY episode had a horrible tragedy. Please follow up with your sister’s theory on Kunt, I meant Knut the dead polar bear. And thank you very much for the youtube link and everyone’s comments. I will have to wait impatiently until I get home tonight to watch it because for some reason the people I work for don’t think it’s productive to allow us access to youtube.

  25. So…I guess it was a poor parenting choice that I purchased the whole TV series for my little, impressionable, children? Oh, well… I was in love with Michael Landon. And had my weekly cry every week.

  26. I really feel like Albert never brought anything positive to the show. I’m glad Laura took him mountain climbing.

    Laura Ingalls don’t give a shit.

  27. I totally need to re-visit the Little House series. I do not recall any of those gripping plot lines. Maybe I was being sheltered from the seedy underbelly of Prairie life. Please tell me there is a Honey Badger episode too. And a hoarding episode. Nellie strikes me as a hoarder.

  28. I never watched LHOTP. I never read the books. I know Michael Landon was somehow involved before he died. I never missed that part of my life. Now I’m glad I didn’t partake of the frontier racism and cannibalism and death and dirt because I have to deal with enough shit without a morphine cart or cat or anything.

    Damn – it’s Friday! How come my good mood delivery is late? Oh, yeah – no morphine cat.

  29. I never watched Little House on the Prairie. I read the book though. I think I was totally missing out by not seeing the show though.

  30. That was my favorite episode of LHOTP. I mean, it was super comforting that early pioneers didn’t just have to deal with hunger, disease, infant mortality, pestilence and genocide. I mean, those are totally fluff issues, they wouldn’t even get you into the finals for a spot of Celebrity Rehab. But morphine addiction? Hell yes. Kudos to you, adopted kid Albert that was brought in because Laura wasn’t cute enough anymore, for keepin’ it real.

  31. Thank you for reminding me to remove Little House on the Prairie from my Netflix queue before it can traumatize my kids. I’d totally forgotten some of that stuff and was thinking “Oh good clean wholesome family entertainment”

    Then I read this and it all came flooding back

  32. Three things:
    1) At my work here in the museum we have Charles Ingalls’ homestead application. I see it daily. Trips me out. (okay, that’s not funny, but true.)
    2) I’m totally going to have to edit my daughter’s books now. Crap. I hate censorship. Maybe I’ll leave it with no explanation and let her be totally confused. That’s always fun too.
    3) have you SEEN the real Charles? Fucking psycho looking. The whole rest of the crazy stories make sense. Here: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_rJMhwEdpxpQ/S5hrlRELP8I/AAAAAAAAA_Y/fUuD-4UMsWo/s320/charingal.jpg and here: http://hoover.archives.gov/LIW/DeSmet/images/ingallspa.jpg

  33. I didn’t watch Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid so my only memories of Little House are from the book Little House in the Big Woods which I loved as a kid. Seriously loved. In fact, when my family butchered a pig (we are a bit ‘country’), I was disappointed because no one blew up the pig’s bladder into a balloon for me to play with. Anyway, a couple of years ago I saw that Little House on the Prairie was on so I thought I would watch it. I was in the mood for something sweet and treacly…wow. Mary and her blind husband were running a school for the blind (or something like that) and then there was a fire and then their baby burned up in the fire when the school (or maybe it was a house) burned down and I thought…WOW, this shit is dark!!!

  34. Growing up, I was the fat kid.Books were my best friends. So it’s no surprise that I’m a bit of a Laura Ingalls Wilder aficionado. As in, been the the homestead in Missouri and all that jazz. At one point in my childhood, I was so obsessed with the series that I forced my mother to sew me a prairie costume and bonnet so I could so I could pretend to forage for food and plant corn and shit for my starving family and three legged dog. (We, um, didn’t have a three legged dog.) I wore the costume until it was threadbare and wept bitterly when my mother forced me to put on some jeans and act like a normal child.

    That costume still haunts me to this day.

  35. Aw, man. Looks like I stopped watching just when it was getting good. I don’t remember ANY of those. I do remember Mary going blind so when the pediatrician diagnosed A’s little rash as scarlet fever I completely freaked out and thought I was going to have to invest in lots of kiddie sunglasses. Congrats on the morphine – I enjoyed it quite a bit, but fentanyl’s really the shit. 80x more powerful than morphine. I’ve made it part of my advance directive that if I’m dying I want to go out high as a kite on that stuff.

  36. If I promise a steady stream of morphine carts, will you and your sister come live with me and keep me entertained? Please?

  37. Could you say, the only good cobra is a cobra who likes pie?

    I’ve had too much caffeine today … um … back to “work” (woooh-psshhh) (that was the bull whip sound).

  38. That morphine/Albert episode stuck with me too. It was so dark and made me fear vomitting even more than I already did. I still cry and yell out “ALBERT! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!” whenever I puke.

  39. The Little House series, both books and tv were my mother’s favorites. I grew up reading and watching these with her, so they are also one of my favorites. I never really thought about how totally screwed up some of the stuff is in the tv series, but now that you mention it, holy shit! I don’t remember the episode where ma carves up her leg like a christmas turkey, I’ve probably blanked it out or something. Now I want to go back and watch it again just to watch for that stuff.

  40. First of all, I am totally bookmarking the Honey Badger video and will play it when I am feeling peevish…because Honey Bear really doesn’t give a shit, and there are lessons to be learned from that!

    Secondly, all I remember are reading the “Little House on the Prairie” books and loving them, but none of the crazy shit you guys are talking about. I guess its time to refresh my memory.

  41. What about the episode when Ms. Beadle lets all the kids leave school early during a fucking BLIZZARD and some don’t make it home, frozen on the MN tundra? Or when the carnival/circus came to town and there was the ‘wild’ boy in the cage… turns out he was deaf but I remember how they treated him like he was just a crazy jungle animal. Oh man, LHOTP was so much better than some of the crap that’s on TV right now. I think we all need to just get a morphine cat and have a viewing marathon… Who’s in??

  42. I’m just glad your sister has the alertness to remind you about stealing the morphine cart before it’s too late. Those doctors are freaks when it comes to that stuff you gotta maximize your potential. THEY SO don’t understand that you might just totally DESERVE to relax… with morphine.

  43. Can someone please explain to me what Nellie found so SMEXY about Percival? The guy is a DOUCHE.

    Remember when Jason Bateman’s parents got all smooshed in that Covered Wagon wreck when it tumbled down the side of the mountain? Then he didn’t talk for a long time and man…that kid was destined for greatness from the get-go.

    When I was 33….THIS IS A FUCKING TRUE STORY BY THE WAY, JENNY….I had SCARLET FUCKING FEVER!!!!!!!!!!! That was just 6 years ago!!!!!!! And when I tell people the story, I’m all, “I had THE SCARLET FEVER! DIDN’T THAT SHIT WIPE OUT WALNUT GROVE ONCE?!?!” and then I remember that the PEOPLE OF WALNUT GROVE wiped out WALNUT GROVE when the steam train decided they were gonna come to down and they blew everything to smithereens.

    And another thing….ALMONZO WAS HAWT!!! “Manly” indeeeeeed! Grawr!

  44. “Honey badger doesn’t give a shit. Honey badger takes what it wants.”
    By that logic and the power of Little House on the Prairie combined, I’m now wondering if honey badger will take all your morphine, then have to cut off its own leg while cussing Indians. Thanks.

  45. I somehow missed the episode where Mary gets blind. All I know is that one day she could see and the next she couldn’t. I spent the next few weeks terrified I’d wake up and suddenly my sight would be gone.

  46. As a little girl I used to play “Little House On The Prarie” I would wear my really ugly pioneer type flannel night gown with one of those stage coach shaped hats and sit on a fence that I put a saddle on and pretend it was a horse.

    Those were the day’s, sadly when I tried to cut off my moms leg my dad beat the crap out of me.

    What else is an 8 year old to do when you have no friends.

  47. “Little House” wrapped the series before they even got into interplanetary space. They totally missed out on episodes about wearing suspenders in zero gravity. My forty-seven-year-old step niece still watches the re-runs. She’s on disability.

  48. Holy Shit! I used to love those books/shows! I had no idea they were so fucked up…but then again I was stupid….I think I will have to re-visit them with aged, cynical, stoned eyes…

  49. If you just read the comments and not the blog posting, you’ll feel like you’re in a room where everyone is on drugs but you.

  50. You know, my parents let us watch HBO, and I totally ignored Little House no the Prarie because I thought only the goodie two shoes kids who didn’t know who Freddy Kruger was would read or watch that crap. Apparently, I missed out.

    I still stand by my refusal to watch Sesame Street and watching the REAL version of Clash of the Titans every day instead of cartoons.

  51. OK, so I used to watch LHOTP all the time as a kid, but I don’t remember ANY of those episodes. WTF? My mother must have screened them and not let us see the hard core episodes.

    I feel gypped.

  52. Now I’m wondering which is more demented, the TRUTH or the fact that I could’ve sword it was Albert who vomited due to ARSENIC POISONING.

    I will never forget the vomit episode.

  53. At some point in my childhood we were watching the episode where Mary DOES go blind and she was screaming. “Ma. I. cannot. see. I. cannot. see.”
    In the same flat monotone I added, “Mary. cannot. act.” My brother and sister and I burst into hysterics and could not watch the show again.
    However, I do think I”m going to start walking around calling my husband MANLY. That seems like a great name for a husband.
    kit

  54. On second thought, no. I couldn’t pull it off. But GOD, if I could. I’d smack the shit outta some bees with my long-ass nails.

  55. Every time I’m feeling depressed, I watch the honey badger movie. The honey badger is BAD ASS! Honey badger cheers me right up.

    I never got to watch LHOTP because there was something else on at the same time that my dad wanted to watch, and since it was his TV (he said so, every day), he got to watch whatever he wanted. He never wanted to watch LHOTP. He was a not a fun guy. I’ll bet even honey badger couldn’t cheer him up. Mostly because he’s dead now, but still.

  56. I so did need this. It’s bee a rough week and this entire thing…from Ma Ingalls to the honey badger cracked me the hell up. So thank you for that!

  57. I remember my mom reading the books to me, but none of that horrible stuff you mention.
    Conclusion? She probably edited out the bad parts, too.
    Thanks for ruining it for me.

  58. Bloggess, I.Love.You. Honey Badger is better than Wil Wheaton. Better than any of the weird taxidermied things on your walls. Better than anything you have every told me, ever. EVER. EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Best Animal. best Video. Best NARRATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even best porn actress or stripper name. I’m giving up on today and going back to bed because how can I improve on what you’ve done here? I can’t.

  59. The only thing I remember about Little House is that one of the daughters is stricken blind and flips out but ends up becoming a teacher and getting married, I may have dreamed that though.

    Wouldn’t it have been amazing if Ma’s leg had been torn off and eaten by a bad ass honey badger and Albert (being the selfish asshole who could be dead at this point) doesn’t share his morphine with Ma, who is in an ass load of pain, so Pa, being the upstanding gentleman that he is, beats in Alberts nose (defending Ma’s honor and all) which kills Albert a few days later.

    While all of this is happening the bad as honey badger is just sitting there munching on Ma’s leg like its a fuckin turkey leg cause he don’t give a shit.

  60. I … I feel really deprived here, having never watched Little House on the Prairie, which was clearly awesome. Where the fuck was I? I know nothing of this icon of American culture, and yet I clearly remember specific episodes of ALF.

  61. I really would like to hear more about Super Mario Kart – I mean the morphine cart. I keep imagining it’s this small thing on wheels driven by Mario that follows you around with a bag of morphine on a pole that’s attached to your veins somehow. Which is pretty awesome.

    And also? The Ingalls were HORRIBLE PEOPLE. They would move to a new place, plant inappropriate crops (causing erosion and ruining the soil), and Pa would go and shoot all (and I mean *all*) the wild animals so they’d have to move and do it all over again. And again. And again. They were LOCUSTS. I keep asking myself, “… we herded the Indians onto reservations for THIS? It’s even WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. UGH!”

    I could use the morphine cart right about now.

  62. I remember watching Albert vomit with my sister sitting right next to me on the couch……….who promptly turned towards me and blew chunks all over me!!! WORST DAY EVER!!!

    To this day she has to turn away whenever someone pukes on TV or the movies………but somehow she’s fine with her baby puking on her all the time…..whatthedeuce?

  63. I had forgotten how messed up Albert was on LHOTP! He was also the one who burned down the school for the blind and killed Mary’s baby and the wife of that ex-football player! The lesson I learned from that was don’t adopt any Minnesota street kids because they are like the ten plagues of Egypt!

    I did remember the black face scene from the books and the most shocking thing to everyone about that being that they thought Pa had *shaved his beard* (the horror!) when he had actually slicked it down with bear grease or something equally revolting.

    That honey badger video was as funny as the “Julian Assange: Worst houseguest ever” video I saw a couple of days ago! I’d watch a lot more National Geographic if their documentaries were narrated by that guy! “OMG! That’s disgusting!”

  64. For the record, the gift of Honey Badger was given to me by my husband, Marc. He also knows how to scan pictures. He’s like a computer God.

  65. I loved watching LHOTP when I was a wee lass. The character I remember the most was Mrs. Olsen. My best friend’s mom was a Mrs. Olsen clone with all her hypocritical, super-judgy, puritanical ways. (she told her daughter once that I was I was a bad girl because I wore my hair with a side ponytail a la Napoleon Dynamite one time; I was 12 years old at the time). It was spooky how much they were alike.

  66. The only “Little House on the Prairie” elements that stuck with me were the blind sister and that bitch from the candy store. Nellie. That kid needed a beatdown and the Ingalls were just too plucky and good-spirited to give it to her. The Ingalls singlehandedly ruined this nation’s character. However many hands they had.

  67. I have read all the books and watched all the series and I remember none of that. Perhaps we got the sanitised version in Britain. Or perhaps my memory is gone with Kunt. That’s possible.

  68. I read the LHOTP books AND watched the show. I remember every single episode you referenced. I was obsessed with the one when Albert fell in love with the raped girl, although I didn’t understand it was rape at the time, and then he was accused of getting her pregnant! Albert wouldn’t do that! Who started the fire? Was that Albert? Or was it Nellie’s brother? I think it was Albert. Arsonist, not rapist. Duh.

  69. i love you all – The Bloggess and commenters. it’s nice to know there are others out there like me (most of the people i know don’t really know what to do with me).

    i do not remember most of these LHOTP storylines either. i read the books a gazillion times as a kid. i wore my mom’s tea cozy on my head as a sunbonnet and pretended to ride out the Long Winter under the tablcloth covered dining room table….

  70. Say what you will about Little House it stays with you. know every one of the episodes other people are talking about, plus there are others that also became a permanent part of my brain … like the one where Mary and Laura try to sell “medicines” to pay for the Pastor’s new Bible, but he covers for them by calling the box the meds came in a “Bible Cover”. And the one where Laura steals a music box and thinks she’ll get hanged, but in the end Nellie and Willie get a spanking. And where “Manly” has a stroke. And where she gives birth to Rose. And when Doc Baker almost marries a younger woman. No wonder I cannot remember more important stuff! My head is stuff with Fokking Little House episodes!

    The books were racist as Hell, but I try to breathe through my nose slowly and remember it was just the way things were during that time and this is first person history. But I totally think she was making shit up when she said an Indian wanted her to be his “squaw”.

  71. I just had to give a shout-out to fentanyl – totally better than morphine. I would have let them cut me open again and double-check that there wasn’t a second baby inside for another dose of Vitamin F.

    Maybe I’m just harsh, but I thought Mary was a pain in the ass. “Oh Laura, describe the sunset to me!” Like she had never seen one before? Laura’s all, “Let me think, it looks the same as the motherfreaking sunset we had YESTERDAY when your bitch-ass eyesight worked.”

  72. I still remember that Little House episode where Ma had to cauterize her own wound. Creeeeeepy! And so many people died or nearly died all the time on there. Between loving that show and The Addams Family no wonder I’m so odd and collect poison bottles.

    And for those who hated Nellie, she has a book about being on the set. What’s better than Little House gossip?
    http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Prairie-Bitch-Survived-Learned/dp/0061962147

  73. It seems I should have been watching Little House on the Prairie. I was never really interested, but if I had known about all that excitement, I would have been.

    I’m reading the books to my kids, too. It always involves a whole lot of explaining. Mostly about why not to do what Pa just did.

  74. Does anyone remember the episode where Ma, or maybe Laura, is alone in a house and some crazy man is terrorizing them and is about to break in? I was babysitting that night and the cable totally went out right when some serious shit was gonna go down and I never saw the end of it. Cursed days before DVR and Hulu.

  75. Wow. Now I know why I’ve never watch Little House on the Prairie. Just the previews always seemed weird to me. Also, if I ever get a tattoo, I swear it is going to be “Honey Badger don’t give a shit!” Honey Badger would be a cool superhero name too. Hmmmmm.

  76. Two things:
    A) Ma took my sis and I to LIW’s grave in Mizzou when I was 9, and when we got there, my little sister, 5, threw down and screamed “You mean you took us all the way here for some DEAD LADY?!” because she thought Melissa Gilbert would run out and hug us. Fucking TV show and their lies.

    B) Tried to read Big Woods to my daughter and she was all “They played with a PIG BLADDER!? I’m done. Shut the book.” But I’d bet my last bolt of calico that the world would be a better place if we ALL played with pig bladders. On morphine.

  77. Am I the only one who wanted to whup the snot out of Nelly? Wasn’t she the spoiled blonde? She needed a good ass whuppin. From me!

    PS: I’m sad that Nancy the paralegal wasn’t as kickass as the honey badger. I miss her letters.

  78. I can’t believe you have almost 100 comments, and no one has posted this yet: Badgers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIyixC9NsLI – The people who made that video know a lot about mushrooms, because you have to be on them to totally get it. Not the kind you put in spaghetti, the special kind. Although, now that I think about it, putting special mushrooms in spaghetti would be totally awesome. I love it when I come up with recipes like that. Kind of like Martha Stewart, but instead of doing illegal whatever it was she went to prison for, doing illegal mushrooms.

    Anyway, if you run out of morphine, you can stop by my place for spaghetti.

  79. I’m not sure who you people are out there that are suggesting ” morphine cats”.

    Let me tell you – the last thing cats need is morphine.

    First of all, they clearly aren’t stressed. Well most cats aren’t, unless then they live in a shelter. Two, they sleep all the time. Give them morphine and they’ll sleep even more. And then they won’t eat. Leading to starving cats. Thirdly, since LHOTP taught everyone that morphine causes addiction, which results in puking in shoe boxes. I think that seals the deal on cats not needing morphine. Who wants a starving cat that whines like a addict, sleeps all the time and that pukes EVEN more. You people are monsters.

  80. Somebody cut their leg off? Then what the hell was the big deal with the guy from 127 hours if they’ve been self amputating since the Prairie days..first self-amputation, then self-medication with Morphine cats! What’s the world coming too? Or is it to? Or two? SHIT

  81. When did Ma chop off her own leg?!?!? I think I would remember that…. BTW, your sister is almost as awesome as you!

  82. The only episode of Little House on the Prairie I remember was when one of them called the other a tit mouse when they were decorating a Christmas Tree, and I went running into my dad’s home office and said, “They said tit on TV!” (My dad was George Carlin so it was a big deal to me). …Oh, wait a minute, I think that was the Walton’s. Never mind.

  83. I now demand that that narrator do the voice over for every single documentary I ever watch from this day forward forever. I mean every PBS show. Even Rick Steves.
    Honey Badger Awesome!

  84. Ah, Little House on the Prairie. That brings back such memories of procrastinating when I should have been studying for my Master’s exam. I’d watch the show every morning to see what “tragic” event was going to make Michael Landon cry THIS time. Way more important than studying, of course. Priorities.

  85. You know, I read a few of the books when I was a kid but clearly I don’t remember much from them. Never watched the show much, but my husband does. Loves it. To this day. If he flips by Nick at Night or wherever it is that it might still be on the air and catches an episode in progress he must stop.

    This explains so much.

  86. I read the post and the comments and totally feel like I just smoked crack. You really should start charging people to read your blog.

  87. NerdGirl: Pig bladder balloons?! What. The. Fuck. I read that book and have no memory of that. LHOTP might have been chock full of racism, self mutilation, drug addiction & death, but *that* is completely disturbing.

    Caroline: Amazing Jem and the Holograms video. Reminiscent of the Saved by the Bell Jessie Spano flip out when Zack tried to take her caffeine pills away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bflYjF90t7c

  88. I adore your sister, reminds me of my own, whom I now must convince to follow this blog. She had the hots for Albert. You know, Before he became a junkie.

  89. I was just talking with my husband about Little House on the Prairie just the other day. The most horrifying episode for me was when all the kids go swimming at a local watering hole. One of the kids end up getting stuck somewhere, no one can find him, the kids go to get the parents and then they all start hunting for this kid that drowned. It was awful and to this day I won’t step foot in a lake, stream or pond.

  90. I feel like I’ve completely missed an entire level of my childhood because my parents wouldn’t let me watch Little House on the Prairie.

    And obviously for good reason.

  91. It’s been SO long since I watched Little House on the Prairie. I didn’t get much into it because my mom would reminisce about how that’s what the school she went to was like, she wore boots like that, blah blah. I do remember having a crush on Albert, I must have missed the morphine episode.

  92. Little House On The Prairie…did God have it in for Mary or what?
    gets kicked by a horse and almost dies from an infection
    seems to be losing her eyesight, but gets new glasses and she’s alright
    on her way to fufilling her dream of becoming a teacher
    but oh no she goes blind
    marries a blind guy and they start a blind school
    has a kid
    loses blind school and kid in a fire
    husband regains sight and has no time for her

    Mary was annoying though

  93. You always knew the wagon was going to crash and everyone on board was doomed when that damn wooden peg thing popped out of the rig. I would always scream at the T.V. “Jump you fools!! Bail out now!!” But they never did, they always crashed and burned. I guess they thought they could ride it out or something.

    I also thought you could get preg. if a man came up behind you and put his hand over your mouth. That’s what happened to Albert’s girlfriend Sylvia… my mom told me the man gave Sylvia a seed and that’s what made her pregnant. No need to have sex ed in schools. Watching LHOTP was all the education I needed.

  94. GREAT video. I had no idea my hairdresser was narrating nature videos as a side gig. He forgot to mention that not only does the Honey Badger not “give a shit” about bee stings, but he is SO crazy that he wears white AFTER Labor Day. SNAP!

  95. Wow, Little House was the first thing that popped into my head when you mentioned the drug cart. Albert and his addiction (and the vomiting). I was scared straight, just like some others. BUT I also remember that I got really annoyed with the show because I was certain they messed something up. In the episode where he overcomes his addiction, and he and Laura climb the hill, there was a Laura voice-over saying something about “when they grew up, etc, etc”. Yet they then proceeded to kill the poor kid off in a later episode. They didn’t think loyal followers would notice? I took my Little House (books AND TV) very seriously. This has bothered me for about 30 years. I may never get over it.

  96. The only episode I can remember is the one where the wild dogs trap the kids in the barn. That shit is why I am not a dog person today.

  97. So I recently got the Little House on the Prairie audio books for my best friend because she loves them but now I think I’m going to have to borrow them when she’s done. I only ever read one of them in school and I think I missedn out!

  98. Thank you SO MUCH for the Honey Badger – he made me smile and I really needed that today. You made me smile actually – he shouldn’t get all the credit just for eating some bees and snakes.

    Jx

  99. Okay so I have dubbed myself Chair of the Planning Committee for the Morphine-Cart-Little-House-on-the-Prairie-Viewing-Party. Now, I need someone to provide 1)a venue; 2) Jenny & her sister; 3) the entire collection of LHOTP; and 4) copious amounts of opiates. We will probably also need viewing apparatus, snacks, Kleenex, and various other things I would think.

    I read the books & watched the series. But I lost interest when they all grew up. I have no recollection of these dark eps mentioned (addition, vomit, blind schools? WTF?) but I have SUPER CLEAR memories of the Christmas ep where Pa makes Laura a new saddle but she has traded her pony to get her Ma a stove and baby Carrie gets a star for the tree as a present for “Baby Jesus”. Oh, and Ma and Mary make Pa the EXACT SAME SHIRT. Oh and the ep where Mary’s getting eyesight surgery and the church collection plate gets passed around but the pastor won’t let Charles contribute and then he brings the plate straight to Charles and says “for Mary’s surgery” and Michael Landon gets all teary (AGAIN).

    But Nellie and Mrs. Oleson were total beeotches. And Albert was a douchbag.

    I was considering reading the books to Beanlet, but since she’s deaf, I’d have to look up all the signs for “racist” and such on top of the wilderness terms… yeah… fuck that. I’ll stick with fingerspelling Harry Potter. Or maybe I’ll re-read Anne of Green Gables and see if that’s any better…

  100. I know I watched LHOTP, and yet all I can ever remember is the opening scene with Melissa Gilbert running down the hill of grass and wildflowers. Now I know why. What the hell were our parents thinking letting us watch that bullshit? And we say there’s too much drugs and violence on tv today?

  101. I was *just* talking about the whole “Ma’s Big Huge Knife Cutting Off Her Leg” LHOTP the other day! Hallmark Channel shows re-runs every day, but that is the ONE episode they don’t show. I think they don’t want to fuck up a new generation with that shit. Albert on morphine, that’s just fine though.
    I had my own bonnet too, used to grab my own little kid-sized rake, go out in the backyard and play LHOTP. I couldn’t stop until I finished my “chores”. I’d be out there for hours. That was my game. It explains a lot actually…

  102. Sleepover hell prevents me from thoroughly enjoying this. Morphine would make me less paranoid about supervising this non-loin child, right? I didn’t give morphine up for Lent like alcohol, so where can I score a cart? Does one come by like in “Holy Grail”?

  103. What about when Mary went blind but was going to get un-blind. Laura bought all that pink paint and painted some building … all the scenes were climactic … aaaaaand Mary couldn’t get un-blind.

    Even as a young child I thought, what a fucking waste of pink paint.

  104. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, now I have the LHotP theme song stuck in my head!

    Dun da dadaaaa, dun da dun, dun da dadaaa, dee da dee da dun, da dee dun…

  105. I now feel that sitting my 9 year old in front of The Real Housewives of Orange County is so much safer than the child abuse that is Little house.

  106. “I told Hailey it was about how pa picked up a drinking problem”…i love how you keep the message wholesome.
    next on the “fucked up shit we read to our kids”…..the original wizard of oz. the tin woodsman totally gets his arms hacked off in it. yea, this hailey kid is gonna have an interesting childhood indeed. 🙂

    its ok. my daughter is kinda effed too. her favorite movie growing up was Kill Bill and her favorite book was His Dark Materials…which is kind of like an Atheist manifesto of adventure and wonder in a Godless land.

    i am thoroughly amused by your writing. so….keep doing it eh? 😛

  107. There’s a whole lotta wrong in these comments. Not watching Sesame Street? That shit is HILARIOUS, even when you’re not on drugs.

    But really, the honey badger guy should narrate Caillou. That would be the best thing in the history of ever.

  108. Oh. My. God. How have I been a honey badger all my life and not known it? The evidence: I eat disgusting things, I run in slow motion, I have a kind of long body with loose skin, and I JUST DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

  109. The honey badger video is priceless…I LOVE it. If you liked that one, enjoy this one: Monkey with smelly finger

  110. i’m going to have to throw another vote at “thank fuck i didn’t watch the series and only read the books.”
    in fact they were the first books i ever read on my very own – my mother stopped reading them to me during a stressful move, and i picked that shit up and got to reading town!
    so naturally i don’t remember a damn thing about them.

    on a completely unrelated note, i just got one of my (indoor/outdoor) cats back… evidently the neighbor thought they owned her, and they kidnapped her for a WEEK – they were about to move to LONDON with her, but she escaped. smart. and then our landlord had kidnapped her… but at least she gave her back, thankfully. and is not moving to London.
    of course that has nothing to do with this post, but i’m good at non sequiturs.

  111. I don’t remember ANY of those episodes… But my friend made out with Albert at Knott’s Berry Farm one time.

  112. OMG – My husband forwarded the honey badger video to me a couple of months ago. Hilarious. He even wished me Happy Valentine’s Day on Facebook with “Happy Valentine’s Day to my honey badger.” Of course I had to reply back “Honey badger don’t give a shit.” I’ve been saying it ever since.

    You should check out some of that guys other videos… especially the one on vampire bats.

  113. I don’t remember that episode at all, but I do remember Little House very much. So much so, that I had a cabbage patch kid who I named Albert.

  114. Half Pint! Hilarious! I’m almost ashamed to admit..I loved ..absolutely loved the books. The show..meh..I watched but it was shit.

  115. Ok, I just killed youtube trying to find Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations episode where he eats the raw poopchute out of a warthog. Because it so reminded me of that honey badger eating the snake that I had this epiphany that Anthony Bourdain? Is a honey badger.

  116. Dude. I’ve seen that video before, but DAMN it’s so much funnier when I’m heavily medicated! XD

    I’m starting to be very, very glad I never watched Little House on the Prairie. The books were fucked up enough as it was. >.>

  117. I never watched the show, but I remember the credits and thinking even at a young age that I couldn’t watch a show with an actor who had hair like Micheal Landon’s. What it high lighted? Even back then?

  118. I don’t even know what the fuck to say on this one.

    I wish I was on drugs right now though because I think this post would go very nicely with some narcotics.

  119. Pretty sure honey badgers and wolverines are related. Wolverines also don’t give a shit.

  120. I seriously must have repressed memories. For some reason, I have always thought of Little House on the Prairie as a positive, uplifting show. I must have been so traumatized, I blocked out the bad memories. Do I need a shrink now?

    I may also have to repress some memories from that video.

  121. I remember seeing a few episodes of Little House on the Prairie, but not enough to remember what a single one of them was about. Now I fear I totally missed out on a completely worthwhile experience……

  122. One of your commenters put a link to that video in a comment a few weeks ago – which is when I first watched it. And I have been watching it daily ever since. Not kidding. DAILY.

    You and your sister are way behind the times. 😉

  123. I have never been able to watch the entire Wizard of Oz movie because the witch still scares the shit out of me. I was never able to watch an entire Little House on the Prarie because Nellie was a bitch and her ma, Mrs Olsen, reminded me too much of the witch. I kept expecting flying monkey hordes to carry off Carrie. So I’ve seen parts of every episode but never a complete one. I do recall Albert on drugs and going through the whole spider hallucinations when he withdraws. I was traumatized more by the spiders than the vomit.

    Even Glenda the Good creeps me out, by the way. I knew this girl in college who would do all the voices from the time Dorothy lands to when she sets off on the yellow brick road. Glenda came off so sardonic that I just can’t kick that image of her. She was a witch. She just had the glamour. I bet underneath that bubbly exterior she was a warty hairy chinned crone who made munchkins by squashing regularly proportioned people. That was my theory when I was eight and I’m sticking to it.

  124. “If thy leg offends thee…cut it off! CUT IT OFF! CUT IT OFF!” So traumatizing that to this day I can’t slice a chicken breast without being afraid I’ll hear voices and end up lancing a boil. Also Albert and his whole upper lip that hangs down like a uvula was ridiculous and so not in the books. In 8th grade we got the uvula confused with the epiglottis so we just called him “epiglottis lip”. it was sad when Epiglottis Lip died, though. Morphine and all.

  125. I moved from France to England before the episode about Albert becoming a crack addict was broadcast. And they didn’t have Little House in the Prairie in England (WTF?!). So when my sister told me that Albert had died up a mountain of drug addiction, I thought she was making a fucked up lie. Now you’re telling me that Ma cut off your own leg!? I think you’re lying. This is really fucked up.

  126. Honey badgers are a secret weapon in the arsenal of the British military. They (the army, not the badgers) deny it:
    “UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: “We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area. ”
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/6295138.stm

  127. Once while vacationing in Vegas, I made my husband wait for me while I finished out an episode of Little House in the hotel room. The Albert morphine episode. He was kinda pissed and perplexed about this woman he married. There would be many more moments of inexplicable to come. We’re still together.

  128. OK. So seriously, thank you for clearing up what might possibly be my family’s greatest mystery.

    I never watched Little House on the Prairie. Because it scared the shit out of me. And so I never watched. My *sister* however, totally *LOVED* LHOP, and she is one fucked up bitch.

    It makes total sense now, and I’m eternally grateful to you, Bloggess, for clearing that up. I cant’ wait to tell my parents.

    xoxo

    C-

  129. See and I thought the Honey Badger video was over and done with and everyone in my life could stop quoting it and then BAM! Right back in there. *sigh*

  130. All I remember from that show is the daughter’s leg gets run over by a wagon. It was pretty traumatizing. I love how you and your sister had the same sense of humor.

  131. The episode with the mime mask gave me nightmares. And remember the fire where Mary’s baby died?? More nightmares.

  132. Little House is infiltrating my circle, it’s as bad as Melrose Monday once was. And now here, I love it! Addiction, addiction, addiction, aaaaaa……. It’s the tension, the blizzards, the death and dismay snuggled tight in country quilt patches. Little house never ends. Ok it does, but then Father Murphy blasphemes his way back into our hearts and we are whole again.

  133. But you totally forgot about the LHOTP episode where Albert is pen pals with the chick in the wheelchair and they write to each other and he says he’s this tall basketball player and she tells him she’s a ballerina and it’s all this metaphor for eHarmony and lying about yourself on online dating web sites, except this show was made before the Internet which makes Michael Landon a fucking psychic. And if Albert and the wheelchair chick had been on 19th century eHarmony he would have posted pictures of John Holmes’s dick as his profile pic and she would have been all “I doubled for Natalie Portman in ‘Black Swan’, BITCH!” It’s because of LHOTP that I figured all pen pals were liars which is why I told my Jamaican pen pal I was an 11-year-old physics-genius porn star. No WAY was that bitch Jamaican.

  134. holy shit! I totally remember that scene. I was watching it on my mom’s bed, which was reward for some kind of kid thing…and my reward was seeing Albert spew white puke all over! No wonder I have a puke phobia! It all makes sense.

  135. “Honey badger don’t give a shit” would be the perfect hashtag on Twitter. Can we make this happen??

  136. What are you all talking about, LHOtP was totally up-beat! Remember that episode when they think their fluffy dog has rabies, and they all get emotionally ready to euthanize it, and pa goes to the barn shoot it – but then it turns out that the dog is just pissed because there is a (non-honey) badger rummaging around in their attic? Joyful!

    And as far as I remember, they get to ma just before she actually chops of her leg in the name of god. See; totally up-beat and happy-go.lucky.

  137. I only watched LHOTP a few times when I was home from work during the day. (This obviously was in reruns of reruns – never saw the original prime time show). All I can remember is Nasty Nellie and her mom. The rest of the show sure was effed up. Also, I’m now glad that I never bought the books for my daughter.

    The video falls into the category of nature film I call “things eating other things,” which I avoid most of the time. The saving grace of this one is, of course the vocal stylings of the narrator. Too bad he’s not credited at the end, we could follow his career forever.

    Sorry you’ve had a sucky week. Hope it gets better. I’m going to be having surgery soon, so I’m glad I learned about the morphine cart; I’ll know what to ask for. If there’s anything left, I’ll send it to you.

  138. I don’t remember Ma cutting her leg off, but I was recently at the dentist and ended up watching an episode where JOHNNY CASH was a sham preacher who was trying to get money for his church and you TOTALLY KNEW he was fake. But then they finished my cleaning and I never saw how it all turned out. Totally remember Pa in blackface…and they referred to them as “darkies”. Yikes. Fortunately I didn’t quite get the utter racism of it when I read them at the time.

    My new favorite animal is now the Honey Badger.

  139. My sister and I have spent the past several days battling the flu – her really, really bad, and me just kind of crappy feeling [YAY FLU SHOT!] and in order to deal, we’ve been discussing The Waltons, because I got sucked into an episode when I went to drop off crackers and ginger ale for which she MOCKED me, and then SHE got sucked in and I’ve been getting daily updates on episodes [John had to shoot Reckless the Dog; Gino the Vagrant stole the money, but then gave it back, when John threatened to shoot him; John sure loved shooting].

    I love The Waltons.

  140. STILL love that show. But now I watch it and wonder how much “Pa” had been drinking. Melissa Gilbert said he would carry around a mug full of vodka starting around 11am. But she still loved him, and so do I. We all have issues…vodka helps with those issues a lot! 😀

  141. PS. What the HELL is Honey Badger? There was a video game and now Badgers make honey!? I am SO confused *PS, just went to Amazon and bought the entire series. Oh the memories!*

  142. PSSSS! That was JASON BATEMAN!!!! OMG! Now I REALLY need to rewatch. The cute little blonde boy!?

  143. Remember when “Half-Pint” went up to the mountain because she wanted God to take her instead of Ma and Pa’s dead baby. Oh. My. Friggin’. Gawd. I cried so hard when Pa found her. How the hell did he ever find her? It was magic. I can’t fucking find anything without a GPS, but Pa could find his daughter who wandered nine zillion miles away in the wildnerness.

    FYI: If I had been on that show, I soooo would have cut Nellie Olsen.

    Just sayin’.

  144. By the way… how did you go from Victor’s surgery to Honey Badger? Are there worm holes all over your blog or something?

  145. I loved the LHOTP books, but I totally hated the TV show. I hated Nellie, but I hated that bitch Laura too. I do think however I have one upped you all cause I not only live in the same state that Laura and Alanzo lived and died in, but I have been to her house. So my mental health issues top all of yours…. 😉

  146. I can remember having an in-depth discussion of the characters on Little House during Jr. High volleyball practice…probably why I never become an Olympic volleyballer. I, too, was scared straight from Albert’s white puke (the first actual puke that I ever saw on TV). Every time it snows, I think I should tie a rope around something so I won’t end up like those poor kids in the blizzard. And watching Alice holding Mary’s baby through the upstairs window while the Blind School was on fire….completely traumatized! Maybe I should mention that I live in Kansas….so this stuff probably really happened in my backyard!

  147. And this is why I love you. It’s because I know that we’re two people who could get fucked up on illegally obtained drugs and shoot the shit about Little House on the Prairie but only in blog-world because we’re really both all talk and we would never steal our spouses prescription drugs. Probably.

  148. Turns out I didn’t actually need this. BUT at 4AM your blog captivated me when I woke up from a dream where my little boys foot was inadvertently chopped clean off. Yes, I know it’s alarming. The really odd part is my google searching for dream meanings and a ‘dismembered foot’ led me to your delightful blog. I’m not sure yet what its about, or the dream. My kid is okay. I know you are a sex worker (but not really) and you have a _thing_ for WIL WHEATON. I hope Victor is doing well. Send your _extra_ morphine. And though I dont have any celebrity pictures, I will send you the audio for an interview I did with the late Ed McMahon. Yes the content is pointless BUT he is dead now.

  149. I love LHOTP. I read the books as a little girl, watched the shows and will still watch them today when I see them come on. However, the best episodes were always something controversial like with Albert or that little raped girl. That and anything mean that Nellie would do…she was awesome.

  150. How did I miss Ma cutting off her leg? I used to love Little House on the Prarie as a kid. Maybe I’ll have to start a 12 step group for survivors of Little House.

  151. For some reason I didn’t see the little house tv shows when they actually aired, even though I was totally alive at the time. But I did catch the entire series on reruns in college. I think I got the better deal. Morphine-puke or religious-amputee or sacrifice-mountain + 8-year-old girl = traumatized for life. BUT morphine-puke or religious-amputee or sacrifice-mountain + 21-years-old college student = awesome! I WIN.

  152. Holy crap, I never thought I’d say this: It sounds like I need to put Little House on the Prairie on my Netflix queue.

  153. I hated Nellie…she was such a Kunt on the show…but really? In real life? How ever many years later – I feel kinda bad because she is STILL hated. I guess thats what you get for being a good actress.

  154. It would be tragic for me to learn that you were not aware of “Awesomeoff” but seeing as you only *just* posted the Badass Honey Badger, welll, ummm, here ya go…
    http://www.awesomeoff.com/
    (pssst, James Brown needs some love, can ya help a guy out?)

  155. I can’t believe there were no Honey Badger episodes! When my sister & I were little we would “play” LHOTP and carry old books tied together with belts around the neighborhood in our Holly Hobby dresses. We had a pretty good look going until you noticed that our shoes were asics tigers and our lunch pails featured the bee gees and matchbox cars.

    That would be reason #1 I don’t go back to my home town – there are more and I think throwing up in a shoebox might be one of them but I was pretty jacked up so it could have been a different kind of box.

  156. I cannot believe I have to mention this to you yet again: Michael Landon IS NOT Pa Ingalls. WHy? Pa had a beard. Therefore, the whole show was invalid, and I never watched it. I was a very literal kid.
    Also? Honey Badgers are the shiznit.

  157. Okay, so I’ve never seen Little House, although my mother and my sister LOVE it. Things with bonnets freak me out.

    So I’ve just spent the last 2 hours reading up on Little House on Wikipedia, and seriously, What. The. Fuck.

    Babies getting burnt up, little raped girls, Ma cutting a chunk out of her leg, the whole morphine thing, turns out Albert’s nosebleeds were from leukemia, Mary’s mass backlog of issues.

    Jesus christ. I need to lie down.

    And then call my mother and demand an explanation, because seriously, what the fuck.

  158. Honey badger doesn’t give a shit, it just takes what it wants and eats it! Ahhh… more HONEY BADGER!!

  159. I never realized what a horrible show Little House On The Prairie was and I used to watch it religiously as a kid. I also know every show you have described.

    I also have that song, “Old Dan Tucker”, stuck in my head now.

    And I want some Lemon Verbena perfume, too.

    Damn, you, Jenny! Where the hell am I going to find Lemon Verbena perfume in SoCal???

  160. If you Google LHOTP and open the IMDB listing, it says one of the continuity issues was that “in the episode “The Circus Man”, when Mr. O’Hara is telling Laura that his secret potion doesn’t work, her braids keep moving from in front of her to in back of her.” Because yes, that’s what we should be worried about. Laura’s possessed braids. Also :”in front of her to in back of her”?? Good English IMDB.

  161. My favorite episode ever was when Carrie got stuck in the well, cause I hated Carrie. I also was terrified of going blind as a child. I remember Mary looking at her slate and it just getting blurrier and blurrier. I seriously freakin loved that show.

  162. I always associate Little House on the Prairie and WKRP in Cincinnati:

    “The Little House on the Prairie. Now that’s a fine, wholesome show. It’s about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.”

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