I kind of feel bad now

Emails I just sent to a PR person who is probably very nice and who I will certainly regret being snarky to tomorrow once I’ve had sleep and once Victor is home from the hospital (He’s fine, btw.  He just had a metal plate and a bunch of screws put in his arm.  A metal plate in your arm is totally the new black.  Plus, they brought him a morphine cart, which everyone on twitter agreed sounds AWESOME.  Except for one guy who thought I said “morphine cat” but he thought that sounded pretty fucking rad too.  Hard to disagree with that.  But now I’ve forgotten what I was going to write about.  Oh yeah.  PR emails and why even polite harassment makes me sigh deeply to myself):

Email from actual PR person: Hi…I thought this new innovation in bras would interest you and your readers.

Same PR person, days later: Hi again. Just a friendly follow up. I thought this new innovation in bras would interest you and your readers.

me: I only do paid ad spots. Attached is my rate sheet. Thx.

PR person: I dont handle advertising

me: And I don’t offer random bra advertisements for free. We seem to be at an impasse.

me again, seconds later: Just a friendly follow-up reminder that I still don’t post free bra ads on my blog. I know you didn’t ask but the silence implied to me that you might need a reminder. I assume that’s how silence works.

PS. Here’s a picture of Wil Wheaton collating:

someone who is usually much nicer when she doesn’t come home from a day at the hospital to find 169 new reminders of blog pitches that she just finished reading and deleting the day before.

164 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Yet another example of the difference between men and women:

    I’d totally take that ad just to see boobs.

    moooooog35 recently posted Its a RockerRodent Rock Opera.

  2. Dear God, I love you.

    Karen from Chookooloonks recently posted the hands project.

  3. Oh my god, how perfect would it be if the PR person e-mailed you back and asked if Wil Wheaton would be interested in pitching a new innovation in bras?

    Also, yes please to the morphine cat. That would fun to have around for dinner parties.

    Chelsie recently posted How Not to Make a Quiche.

  4. You are just amazing!

    Britta recently posted Dish Network Deal!.

  5. Victor will lick the balls of whomever invented the morphine cart.

  6. 6
    Adrienne Barton

    How are you going to make a bra innovative? Does it have fans or something? Boob sweat has always been an issue. Now I want fans in my bra to keep my boobs cool That’s innovation. I need a patent.

  7. you’re like a freaking boy scout with that Wil Wheaton picture now. It really is the answer to everything. PREPAREDNESS, BITCHES.

    melissa recently posted in which my cat gets the Led out.

  8. Aren’t you now just a little curious about this bra innovation thing? I kinda am. That, and the morphine cart. And cat.

    Shannon recently posted Nana- Shell Cut A Bitch!.

  9. I think you’re awesome.

    In related news I wrote about morphine sex last night which is kind of like morphine cats, I would assume. But better. Because it’s sex.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted What I havent mentioned until now is.

  10. I don’t think you are overracting. It’s irritating to get random emails from people whom you don’t know when there’s already a lot of stuff going on in your life. And, really? It was for a bra??

    Marisa @ I failed math. recently posted A mothers feelings I do not know.

  11. Glad he is ok. I guess I won’t be adopting the latest style trend I just don’t look good in metal plates.

  12. Why do you get bras and I get book reviews? Boobs are way more important than words and stuff.

  13. I like how you roll. @mothereffer.com

  14. Delicious and hilarious, as always. I hope Victor is better. And that a man-metal-plate-in-the-arm is more tolerable than a Man Cold.

    DaMomma recently posted Festivus Celebration of Spiritual Art — Crystal B- All is Well.

  15. Wow, PR peeps are just battin’ a thousand today! This is the second ranty post about their emails that I’ve read today! Morphine cat? Hmm… that does sound kind of interesting! LOL!!

    Hope Victor recovers quickly!!!

    Lisa Marie Mary recently posted 5 Super Cute Things I Did Not Buy From Soul-Flower.

  16. You didn’t even bother to find out what the new innovation in bras was, did you? Maybe it was “Bras with pockets to hold your silver bullets for surprise anti-werewolf gun loading in the middle of a date when you thought the guy was nice but then he starts growing claws”.

    Pretty shortsighted, Jenny.

    Backpacking Dad recently posted Pieces of the Stanford Philosophy Library During Spring Break.

  17. “We seem to be at an impasse.” Just hilarious. You need to sell these as form letters the rest of us can use. We would pay for a whole series of official The Bloggess responses to trolls, bad PR pitches, annoying PR follow ups, judgy people, TV insurance company commercials, etc.

  18. This is snark? You do need sleep, woman. It’s hard to be snarky when it’s said with a hug. That’s the same as saying anything as long as it’s followed with “bless her heart.” You are a Texan, right?

    Does his arm itch yet? That’s torture.

    mrtl recently posted Reality Check- The Meddlers Arent the Kids.

  19. Those bras better be able to grant each boob independent movement and possibly sentient will. Otherwise, KEEP INNOVATING, BRA PEOPLE.

    Keely recently posted So let the sun shine in-face it with a grin-smilers never lose-and you get to freak out the neighbours.

  20. P.S. I think I’ve resolved to end every comment on your blog with “Pretty X, Jenny” where I change the value of X each time.

    Pretty cat tongues, Jenny.

    Backpacking Dad recently posted Pieces of the Stanford Philosophy Library During Spring Break.

  21. You’re my hero. Can I hire you to respond to all of the PR pitches I get? My favorites are the ones that tell me that my readers at the magazine I haven’t worked at in over a year would be really interested in their product. And my favorite pitch has been for poop spray. It’s called Poo-Pourri. Seriously.

    Diana Vilibert recently posted Tumblr is starting to remind me of a bad boyfriend who keeps.

  22. WHAT difference between men and women? I’d rather see boobs too. Heyyyyy, do you think the new innovation in bras could be … their absence?

    Julie Cox recently posted Phat Fiber February “Gems and Minerals” Samples.

  23. I don’t have a morphine cat…would that I did. I do, however, have a dog that faked his own death. He’s fine now but he doesn’t take morphine either.

    My kids have had 16 broken bones and one bone tumor between the three of them and yet, no plates. I’m kinda jealous now and feel that I’ve missed out on something.

    I got my first blog pitch yesterday and thought WWBD (what would Bloggess do?) my husband said you would fuck with them and post it but I couldn’t do it…I’m sad about that. I’m not as mean as I thought I was…guess I’ll leave that to you and 27B/6

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which we receive a LOT of letters.

  24. I think you showed remarkable restraint, considering your personal circumstances.


    I do often lose sleep some nights, wondering when exactly the Brassiere Revolution will start. I thought those birds falling from the sky was a sign, but alas, it was not. So if this PR gal was onto something and you prevented a bringer of boob pedagogy from her intended audience, well, I’m gonna be *pissed.*

    highlyirritable recently posted The Heart of the Matter.

  25. Dear Jenny,

    I have a sinking feeling that if you happen to have a contest to see what people would do to actually win an ad spot on your site it might be newsworthy…and worth giving them a free spot.

    No…of course I am not plugging me as an option. Gorillas on old motorcycles never win anything.

    But if you were wondering, here is a blogger writing about a gorilla on a motorcycle…in case you thought I might be fibbing a bit.

    In any case. The poor PR person obviously hasn’t realized how much entertainment they bring us all, otherwise they might ask you to start paying them just to offer to allow you to post bras on your website…because thats the next step you know.

    That…and vampiric squirrels…well those actually happen to:

    I hope Victor pulls through getting a bionic arm..and the PR people continue to entertain us all.


    Tony Hunt recently posted Paperthin Hymn.

  26. I think I need to email you to get your rate sheet. I picture a week long commitment of sponsored posts where you pit me against other awesome things to find out what’s the awesomest – I’m fully confident I’d come out on top. Except if I was pitted against you. Then the world would implode because too much awesomeness isn’t really awesome, it’s more apocolyptic. Apparently, my computer is telling me it’s apocalyptic. I pronounce it with a -co sound though, like collate. Which really just provides me another reason to link to you: http://thebloggess.com/heres-a-picture-of-wil-wheaton-collating-papers/

  27. I mean…maybe you should have CONSIDERED it. Maybe it made your boobs looks smaller/bigger/less lopsided depending on the shirt you were thinking of wearing. MAYBE IT READS MINDS.

    I think you are failing at what I need. A bra that knows that it’s really cold and will inflate so that the high beams AREN’T on. Or maybe that’s just a sweater.

    briya recently posted Because nobody is holier than thou.

  28. Again, I wonder what I have to do to get your pitches to come to me. I think it may be like dating. They only want you if you don’t want them. Bloody hell.

    Heather recently posted Hopping along!.

  29. A morphine cat would be awesome. Unless morphine makes the cat nauseous like it does me. In that case not so awesome. I already have one cat that throws up all over the house. I don’t need another one!

    The PR person probably went home, took a couple of shots, and started a blog about how mean the bloggess was to her today. 😉

    Rachael recently posted Mamas Currently Out of the Office Please Leave a Message After the Bleep.

  30. I should start only taking paid ads, so I can turn down PR people too. Of course, no one reads my blog, & that may be a good thing, considering I would totally have posted about Bras with Fans, pockets for bullets, snacks or what have you & small anti- gravity motors on the bottom, so that Everyone can be perky! I think the next shirt in Jenny-Mart might just say: Where’s the Morphine Cat when you need it?

  31. You should have asked her to send pictures of her (or even better… her MALE co-workers) sporting the bra. Oh, missed opportunities.

    Not that I want to see moobs… maybe some moooooog35’s 😉

    Tim recently posted From celebrity to porn star – all without even trying.

  32. Dear Adrienne Barton,

    I would like to buy a bra with a fan when you find a manufactor. It goes without saying that you will need to make the really big sizes. Thank you in advance for this wonderful invention. I hope the blades to not cut my nipples off. I really like my nipples which is why I can’t get breast reduction surgery.

    Your Fan, (no pun intended)


  33. Why should we care about a new innovation in bras? I, personally, have been wearing the same bras for years because the idea of buying a new bra is the undergarment equivalent of buying a new bathing suit. Besides, my nursing bras are holding up really well. Who cares if the cup clips don’t always stay clipped and always seem to pop open at the most inoppurtune times, ie when talking to scary redneck neighbor in laundry room.

    Amy recently posted In Which Amy Watches Early March Snow Accumulate.

  34. You could have told her that all of your readers just took a pact to go braless (or was that just me?).
    Either way, I think she got the point (no pun intended).

    Johi recently posted Sick and Wrong- People SICK AND WRONG.

  35. I bet it felt great to us the picture of Wil Wheaton. Especially in this circumstance where it made no sense at all. I think you handled in nicely. People like that are probably like telemarketers. They get it. You don’t want to do what they want you to do but they have to try to make you. Since they didn’t try to hard, they probably aren’t very good at their job which means they probably don’t even care about their job. You made things much easier for them.

    Jordan recently posted Our gayest post yet- Male Figure Skating.

  36. Ooooooooooooooooooooh. Victor is bionic now ? Sweet.

  37. What if she offered to pay you in innovative bras? Oh no. I have this sinking feeling that you let a good opportunity slip through your fingers. Scratch that. I just realized that I’m not wearing a bra, so that explains the sinking feeling. Sagging fun bags are a bitch! Maybe I need to get in touch with PR Person.

  38. I think that this person was hitting on you and offering you pictures of boobs (possibly theirs) in bras. At least that’s what it reads to me.

  39. Eh. PR people. They knew the job was dangerous when they took it.

  40. One of my friends just had a double-lung transplant and in a follow up surgery had to have a titanium plate put on his sternum where they put his ribs back together. I have told him that when my make believe band “Hillbilly Sex Fiends” has their first album, we will title it Bionic Sternum, in his honor. *awesome guitar riffs*

    Andie recently posted half-assedness and artistry.

  41. I honestly think you were pretty nice there.

    Brenna recently posted I love that I.

  42. I have a plate and screws in my arm! Maybe Victor and I can be twins.

    Karen P. in Ohio recently posted Re-entry randomness.

  43. Why is no one asking the question? WHAT INNOVATION?

    We might all be missing out on the next Snuggie. And that, my friends, would be a sad turn of events.

    Jessica recently posted caption contest!.

  44. I’ve had lots of super painful surgeries and NEVER got a morphine cart. Or cat. I am so totally jealous. As consolation, I’d take an innovative new bra, but apparently, I’ll never get that, either. Nobody sends me PR pitches for anything except for conference room rentals and 2 for 1 psychic readings. At this rate, I’ll never have the opportunity to send anyone a picture of Wil Wheaton collating.

    You are so lucky.

    Barbara recently posted Glorious Spring.

  45. A few words on Victor’s arm adventure; I went through a very, very similar experience a couple years ago when I broke my ankle — surgery to put in 9 screws and a plate, my very own morphine cart (which DOES totally, rock, btw), and an overnight in the hospital. When I went home the next day I discovered a major flaw in the Pain Management Plan Of The Medical Establishment.

    While I was officially in the hospital (a period which ended after they officially checked me out, but did not extend until my husband arrived to pick me up and I actually left the building) I was attached to the morphine cart and all was well. No pain. After the official checkout I was no longer hooked up to the cart, but they had given me a prescription for Vicodin which we were to fill on the way home. Okay, fine.

    It was roughly an hour between my disengagement from the cart and the arrival of my husband. Post-surgical pain was beginning to rear its ugly head.

    We filled the prescription at the pharmacy in the building, but I had no liquid with which to swallow the Vicodin, which as you know are roughly the size of a thumb. We drove ~5 miles and found a convenience store to buy a coke, and I took the Vicodin.

    By the time we got home I was in tears from the pain. Vicodin takes rather a long while to take effect.

    So. When you go to pick up Victor tomorrow, the VERY FIRST THING YOU DO IS MAKE SURE HE HAS PAIN MEDS AND HAS TAKEN THEM. Then you can convey him home to bed, where he will sleep peacefully and painlessly for several days, amen.

  46. I’d like to see the bra used as a sling for Victor’s arm. Then, when he has to go through metal detectors at the airport, he could dazzle TSA with the bra.

  47. Ooooh! Or… you could take the Wil Wheaton picture, have it transfered to a printed fabric square and use THAT as Victor’s sling.

  48. I don’t really require innovation in my bras.
    Unless innovation is what keeps those saggy suckers from getting sweaty at the crossroads of boobies and underboobies. Then I am all for innovation.

    pamela dayton time recently posted this is not today.

  49. When we moved cross country we gave our cats valium. My mom stepped on one of the cats tails and the cat DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE. So a valium cat = a morphine cat. Much cheaper and readily available. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW.

    Sari recently posted Random Wednesday.

  50. You’ve no reason to feel bad. I’m certain that you gave the PR guy a big laugh, especially if he has the good sense to check your blog and see all the comments that this exchange spurred.

    You definitely should have checked out the bra though…it could perfectly matched the goat shoes.

  51. My goodness, after your day I would have crawled through the computer and stabbed her in the face. I am awed and intimidated by your restraint and tact.
    You deserve a medal. For politeness. I guess that whole civility thing worked, huh?

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

  52. I’d love a feature in your comments where I could favstar all my favorite reader replies. Someone should pitch that. I guess I just did. Photo of Lou Diamond Phillips on its way.

  53. What about innovative bras for morphine cats?

    Hi, just checking that you got my suggestion about innovative bras for morphine cats.

    kyknoord recently posted Where are you.

  54. True story. I actually am working with a company online that came up with a group bloggers to approach for a campaign and you were at the top of the list. I started laughing and was all, “please…don’t make me send her that email…I just can’t.”

    They didn’t back down…so sorry you’re not interested in our bras. They really are the newest innovation.

    Mama Kat recently posted Writing Prompts.

  55. Just had to say thanks for the lolz and hope V feels better real soon.

  56. Now I totally need to know about the new innovation in bras! are we pushing our boobs down, now. is long and flattened against the stomach the new cleavage? I hope you didn’t just fuck up my chance at being at the leading edge if fashion. FUUUUUUCKKK.

  57. I <3 you snarky mcsnarkisun!

  58. Arianna,

    Oh my fuckin’ lord, but that was funny. I was so glad to read this post, it really illuminated a trend that I feel very deeply about. Also, I would just like to remind you that we are offering a wonderful opportunity to share our fabulous product with your insightful readers.

    Best Regards,

    Tom G. recently posted Monuments.

  59. morphine cats are just heroin kitties with good doctors

  60. How much would you charge to run an ad for Morphine Cat? We can start a collection.

  61. I think you kinda just pitched metal arm plates by referring to them as the new black. Because everyone wants whatever is the new black. I hope the metal arm plate people had to pay a lot for your endorsement of their product since sales will probably be going up tomorrow. Ditto as to the morphine cart people.

    Jacqui recently posted Crazy Stalker Gnomes.

  62. And now I have something new to do to my friend’s retarded cat when I’m bored. No, I’m not being mean by calling her cat retarded. The vet actually told us that the cat (Pablo by name) is actually mentally retarded. If I can get morphine into the cat I promise you video.

    Also, how do you innovate a bra? Can they make one that flattens out those little fat rolls under my arms instead of bisecting them and making them look weird? That would be nice.

    Jodi recently posted The Institution of Marriage.

  63. I’m also intrigued about the innovation part. What did she mean? Bras that extend at the end of the day so they don’t feel tight and horrible when you do? Bras that turn into small but deadly anti-zombie weapons? Bras with a coffee cup holder? Now I really wish you hadn’t turned her down. It never pays to be rude.

    sandrine recently posted How not to write an outline.

  64. Awesome.
    Anyone who wants a new blog to mock, I just started and don’t know the first thing about blogging. Feel free.

    Rachael recently posted a series of Awkward Encounters.

  65. the only way to make a bra innovative is to give it anti-gravity powers that magically reverse the effects of sagging. i’d write free ads for that bra. i’d marry that bra. i’d have kids with that motherfucking bra.

    Simone recently posted My first hurtful comment.

  66. Is it a bra that makes both my boobs point in the same direction again? If so, count me in.

    Theresa recently posted Has anyone seen the Turnip Truck.

  67. Loved your emails to him! Would have loved to see the look on his face when he read them! Great stuff!

    Belle's Books recently posted I said sit down!.

  68. That wasn’t snarky. It was a perfectly polite response with maybe a little tiny side of snark thrown in.

    Kristin recently posted More Fluff For You.

  69. So, totally curious, I googled “Bra innovation”… I mean, what were they going to do? Hoist my boobs using tiny little helicopters?

    I got the following pinnacle of human endeavor:


    I can’t stop giggling. They want me to put my bras… on a boob fan! Because that’s somehow less embarrassing than having them hang on the knobs of the cabinets in my laundry room.

    Human DNA is an amazing thing. Such variety. And it may not be a helicopter, but it has blades…

  70. Here’s a valid question: these people *know* who they are contacting, correct? If so, then they should be expecting a response about wil wheaton collating papers. If not? Then it’s hazing the new kid at the pr firm when the senior guys hand the newbie a pitch about bras and tell them to email the Bloggess. Either way, the result is hilarious.

    pauline recently posted Why I write non-fiction.

  71. “Just a friendly reminder” is the new “I don’t mean to bother you, but . . .” (which of course means “I’m about to bother you”). So, in addition to being polite harassment it’s more honest harassment! o/

  72. I would really like to drop some comment gold here but my bra is so distractingly uncomfortable. I wish I knew of some innovations in the bra industry. That would really interest me.

    Mrs. P recently posted When it talks to me now- I totally understand.

  73. Perfect.
    Can I borrow some morphine?

    Marinka recently posted Stomach Ache.

  74. Perhaps the new innovation in bras relates to cats high on morphine? The bra could act as a kind of sling or hammock, y’know, to provide a safe and comfortable resting area for the high on morphine cat? This idea totally makes sense in my head…

    I think.

  75. My night was going really weird in the not-fun way, and then I got to picture a morphine cat wearing a bra. You basically rock. XD

    Wednesday recently posted And Then the Police Showed Up and Arrested the Fly.

  76. Solving the whole gravity problem so that we don’t *need* bras – now THAT would be innovation.

    Gigi recently posted Im getting more wrinkle-y by the minute - I need your help!.

  77. always interested in innovations in morphine carts.

  78. I got pitched a FREE baby singing caterwauling iphone app – a week after I posted about the kids drowning my iphone and it dying a slow lingering dead. I think they’re just trying to fuck with my positivity.

    I’m glad Victor is okay, a metal plate sounds great – could you hook up a giant magnet and stick him too it if you didn’t want him to lose the house? Or are the plated purposely made so that magnets won’t stick. Inquiring minds.

    Veronica recently posted Not having fun.

  79. That’s the next picture I want to see: Wil Wheaton in an innovative bra, stroking a morphine cat.

    Sarah recently posted 7 Days- Day 5 – Tidy UP!.

  80. And jesus, I am way too tired to be typing. That should say “leave the house” and the too previous should be a “to” instead.

    But I guess sticking him to the giant magnet in the house would ensure that the house couldn’t get lost. Provided that Victor had his mobile on him anyway. Wait, do mobiles work that close to giant magnets?

    I’m going to shut up now.

    Veronica recently posted Not having fun.

  81. I heard if I was the 348th person to comment here I’d win a bra.

  82. How did these people even get your email address?? Their relentlessness amazes me.

    The Procrastinating Student recently posted What Fucks-My-Day-Up.

  83. Why would you regret sending those replies? I want to email you now just to see if I will get a hilarious response, another picture of WIl Wheaton, and/or be put on blast on your blog.

    John B recently posted my office- the breeding ground for the inept.

  84. Can you make a “morphine cat” t-shirt so that I can get one to go with my “heroin kitties” one? I’d like to make sure I get the whole set. Thanks.

    Also, I have the “Also, I eat babies” mouse pad at work and I recently got passed over for a promotion. Coincidence? I blame the bra advertisers.

  85. oh the tangled web of drug addicted kitties continues.
    What is happening to this country?
    PS my bra straps are ALWAYS falling down. I wonder if this bra innovation would cure that.

    Steph recently posted I Prefer My Birds Fried in a Bucket- Extra Crispy Style.

  86. Back up top there, where Karen said, “Dear God, I love you”? Yeah, that.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted CandlesThe preceding title is Exhibit A in the case of The Day Job That Sucked The Creativity Out of Me.

  87. You turned down a bra innovation? Don’t be such a bra conformist.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Word Games.

  88. Realistically, though, I think it’s not unreasonable to point out to PR people that this method of “not advertising” is not helpful or exciting it’s mostly just a big pain in the ass.
    BUT then, let’s get even more realistic… what kind of innovation are we talkin, here?

    Libby recently posted I Need a Sexy Advice Columnist Name.

  89. Could we possibly get a picture of Wil Wheaton on top of the morphine cart? That amount of awesomeness will cause all PR persons to be stricken into silence!

    OH OH…NAKED Wil Wheaton on a morphine cart…stroking a morphine cat…

    June with a Cleaver recently posted Elizabeth Taylor.

  90. I’m still stuck on the idea of a morphine cat. Uh?

    The Dalai Mama recently posted Ah- They Beat You Darling.

  91. […] I feel kind of bad now from The Bloggess (language warning whenever The Bloggess is involved) is funny but a perfect reflection of the kind of crazy PR email bloggers receive all the time. Jenny’s tactics are much funnier than my tactic. […]

  92. In my world, the fact that she was so snarky about not handling advertising, gives you total license to smack the bra right off her. If someone is gonna open the barn door, they better be prepared for the stampede.

  93. I’m interested in the new innovation in bras.

    They’ve been doing things the traditional way for so long, I’d love to know what’s “the next big thing”.

    I’ll remind you again in a while if you need me to. Thanks.

  94. Are you SURE you don’t want to pitch something for me? Are you? Huh? Huh? Are you? Why are you mad? Huh? Huh?

    Betty Fokker recently posted The Fokker falls over from a lack of surprise.

  95. I want more about the morphine cat. Does it take morphine? Distribute it? If you pull its tail does the tongue stick out and give you a scratchy cat lick chock full of morphine? Could be quite popular.

    Heather C recently posted Its not always hard to be me Just sometimes.

  96. I’m mostly curious about morphine cats. Do you just fill a normal cat with so much morhpine that it oozes morphine goodness out its pores? Because THAT is what I’d call Purr Therapy.

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Leave your shoes by the welcome cat.

  97. I just told some PR lady off for sending me three e-mails about the many celebrities who love wooden floors. I DON’T CARE THAT NICOLAS CAGE LOVES WOODEN FLOORS. I do care if Nicolas Cage is going to finish the National Treasure trilogy. Got anything to dish on that?

    jdg recently posted An Attempt to Explain Why I Smell Like George Bretts Gym Bag.

  98. Not having had caffeine yet this morning, I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out what the hell the difference is between PR and advertising. As far as I can tell, the difference is that PR people are asking people to basically advertise for them FOR FREE. So…is that like the difference between a frat boy and a solicitation? One just wants to tell you you’re pretty so you’ll put out, the other one offers cash? I mean, I could see where a frat boy wouldn’t want to get charged with solicitation because, duh, JAIL TIME, but I’m pretty sure being in advertising doesn’t mean prosecution. Yet. Unless they’re offering you money to advertise their new brand of cat morphine, but I’m pretty sure that shit’s illegal regardless, so they can take their morphine-delivery-system cat-bras and just be grateful you didn’t turn them in. As if heroin wasn’t bad enough. Assholes.

    Emily recently posted Luscious.

  99. I’m not going to lie– I want to come up with something to pretend I want you to advertise just so that you might send me the Wil Wheaton link. I almost sent you an email about a fundraiser I’m doing with an artist that involves selling shirts to raise money for the Red Cross in Japan, but then I wondered what the karma was like on using a charity project to be a jackass in hopes of getting a jackass response.

  100. Unless that sucker has a usb charger for my iPhone and dispenses M&Ms, I’m not interested.

    Except I don’t have an iPhone.

    And any M&Ms wouldn’t make into the dispenser.

    Tracey recently posted Japan My Thoughts Are With You.

  101. I say blame Victor for the whole incident. 🙂 Did Nathan Fillion ever produce the twine pic???

    Dana recently posted Ugh- I have Lost My Weight Loss- Get Fit Mojo Have You Seen It.

  102. Nicolas Cage loves wooden floors?!? I always took him for a linoleum man.

    What kind of flooring does Gary Oldman prefer? That’s the kind of floor I want. In case he stops by, and wants to roll around.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Thumbs and Gumption- Why I Eat Meat.

  103. Eh, don’t feel bad. She’s getting paid no matter what, right? Oh, the things we do for money. Well, people. Not me. I don’t do anything for money. But I’m not a sponge, or anything, just a sick stay at home mom. It’s ok, cause while no one pays me for anything, not many people expect anything of me either. Except for my kids, of course. OK, worst comment ever.

    In conclusion – don’t feel bad. xoxo

    Penelope recently posted Last Night at the PTA Gift Auction Alternate Title- Why- God What Have I Done.

  104. The only bra pitches I get are from the Army Corps of Engineers. Go figure.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Philanderers R Us.

  105. I love your ongoing battle with the PR pitches, but I have to ask: Why do you feel like you have to read all of them? Is that a dumb question?

    moremadder recently posted thou hast cleft my heart in twain.

  106. Don’t feel bad.

    First of all, Snarky is never inappropriate unless when addressing puppies and kittens and you weren’t nearly as snarky as I thought, based on your morphone-cat induced intro, you were going to be.

    "Susan Says..." recently posted How to Achieve Television Nirvana Through Dancing With the Stars- American Idol and Survivor- Part One.

  107. My boyfriend had plates put in his arm after shattering it… I think I had more anxiety than he did due to all the demerol, morphine, etc they had him hopped up on! The following few weeks were rough. It seemed everything hurt his arm – because, well, it did. One time I got frustrated and drove fast on a bumpy road because I can be vindictive… and it hurt his arm. I’m now kind of sorry I did it.

    Anyway – PR people should be used to snark. It’s their job.

    Casey recently posted Silence - For Japan With Love.

  108. Love. You. Bunches.

    Hope Victor makes it through the TSA pat down. You know, since he’ll be setting off the metal detector with his bionic arm.

    Kernut the Blond’s last blog (How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters) …http://kernut.com/panic-much/how-a-panicky-lemming-prepares-for-major-disasters/

  109. (Sometimes “Comment Love” don’t give me no love. ) Please feel free to fix for me or just delete this.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters.

  110. Don’t you DARE feel bad, you got your point across perfectly. Assertive women suffer fewer all-around lame proposals, and I am not even talking about PR people here. Rock on.

    momiss recently posted Dirty word substitutes.

  111. Something we need to ascertain before we get all excited about bra innovations: Is this PR person male? Is the brassiere company run by men? Because if so, you know the only innovations they are going to come up with are bras made of some transparent fabric that also make your shirts see-through and your boobs swell to the size of your head. No, thank you.

  112. Do you really think trusting “everyone on twitter” is the best idea? I’m skeptical.

    Maybe instead you should try a *bionic* cat. I like that better.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Ellen Degeneres- Bryan Adams- and a love triangle.

  113. I want to BE morphine cat. I also want to know what a PR person is. There are so many suggestions in my head. None of them are very nice. All of them are based on your e-mail exchange with one of them.

    Calling People Names recently posted Rich and Stupid.

  114. Now I have to know … does a morphine cat also eat babies? Because I think a morphine cat would be all mellow and just sit around saying “duuuuuuuuude”.

    Then again, morphine cat might get the munchies.

    Just sayin.

    Kay Bee recently posted Wedding Weekend- Rehearsal Dinner Theater.

  115. Hold the phone. There’s a bra innovation out there and you’re holding it back from your readers?! You harpy! 🙂 The metal plate in Victor’s arm sounds cool, BTW. Very ‘Six Million Dollar Man’-ish. Maybe he could get a bionic eye next? That would be totally awesome.

  116. We would have world peace if everyone had their own morphine cart. I’ve had one for each of my two surgeries, they were such friends I named them Fred and tried to take them home with me so I could sleep with them.

  117. I’m speechless with how hilarious all of this is. I’m the idiot laughing out loud at work….thank you.

  118. just brilliant!

    Camesha recently posted Peer Pressure.

  119. I think you can be really cruel in your emails now… as long as you send a picture of Will Wheaton collating because that will make the recipient happy and forget that you were cruel to them. Or send them some morphine cats. That will definitely make them happy.

    Tom recently posted Reason Number 37.

  120. Good for you! I’m still waiting to hear back from the State Fair Corn Dog lady named Jessica who offered me the titillating opportunity to post a video…an INTERACTIVE video…in which my readers get to help decide the outcome. Of a corn dog video. And the reward? They get a coupon at the end. Whoop-de-fucking-ding-dong.

    vickilikesfrogs recently posted Tuesday Toss-Up.

  121. I think you’re really missing the point here, Jenny. There’s apparently a new innovation in bras that you could be telling your tribe about, and apparently, you don’t care about us.

    I’m disappointed in your lack of care in our feelings and our need to know about new bra innovations.

    PeeEss: I was just introduced to a new innovation in panties if you’d like to tell your readers all about it. I think they’d really benefit from this information.

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] recently posted Do you know how your partner would react in a bloody situation.

  122. The only bra innovation I give a shit about is if the bra is invisible. With force fields for under wires. With pockets for Splenda packets and morphine.

    Coal Miner's Granddaughter recently posted Weiners vs Clams.

  123. i love you, so fucking much. can you be my handler?

  124. Dear Jenny,

    I just realized I falsely teased you with the idea of a picture of a gorilla on a motorcycle, and didn’t actually link it. I know how important these things are to you and I only lasted about 19 hours before guilt overwhelmed me for being such a huge asshole.

    Here’s your picture.


    Hopefully you will get the opportunity to sate all the devoted PR Reps that are trying to hook your sight up with bras.


    Tony Hunt recently posted Tony’s White Hat.

  125. Does your daughter watch “Phineas and Ferb”? This morning’s episode showed you have something in common with the bully Buford. 1:09-1:19: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmNx7VRJFfc

    mrtl recently posted Reality Check- The Meddlers Arent the Kids.

  126. Do you think they’d be alright selling pictures of Wolverine standing by or using their product? I mean, once the rest of Victor’s skeleton is replaced…

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Is That…Bubblegum.

  127. I just re-read this old post and forgot how funny it was and wanted to share it with people again. “People” being “anyone reading this comment”
    But, whatever.

  128. Ha! You mean, you don’t want to pimp out that new bra advertisement for free?!?

    Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy recently posted Pine-Sol and Reading is Fundamental Giveaway.

  129. I guess now I won’t send you my pitch for “An Innovative Vagina Cover that Goes UNDER Your Pants”.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Girl Scouts - The Second Oldest Profession.

  130. Just a reminder – I won’t send you my pitch for “An Innovative Vagina Cover that Goes UNDER Your Pants.”

    Julie the Wife recently posted Girl Scouts - The Second Oldest Profession.

  131. A quick Google search reveals that the new innovation in bras is the “Microsoft Kinect Bra For X-Box” — so far only available in size 36DD and smaller. Once you put it on, it allows you to play most first-person shooter games by wiggling your Dairy Pillows rapidly in the direction of your adversary. (A version for those of you with larger Blouse Brothers will be available once they work out some issues with lag time and targeting.)

    I’m available to shoot the promo video for you, anytime. It’s how I roll.

    Dick Carlson recently posted Does My Business Really Need This Social Media Stuff.

  132. I’m commenting again for no reason other than I’m bored and I just lost my comment virginity and realized that comments are actually kind of fun and now apparently I can’t stop commenting.
    That’s what happened when I lost my actual virginity too, by the way.
    It was a little messier, but basically exactly the same.
    Including the fact that it was on Jenny Lawson’s blog.
    True story.
    (This is not a true story).

    Rachael recently posted a series of Awkward Encounters.

  133. I love it! Sometimes you just gotta be a bitch…period, end of sentence. PLUS it was funny/bitchy, which is, well, funny and bitchy at the same time! haha grrrr grrrr

  134. I want to adopt a morphine cat. I wonder if there are any available at my local shelter…

  135. …O, I am sorry, I came by looking for an innovative bra… know of any?

    Carmen recently posted An open letter to the douchebag across the street.

  136. 136

    You know what would be a great bra innovation? Hands. I mean, my own work so well as a bra but I kind of need them to hold my morphine cats. I’m trying to think of a way to do this that does not involve using tame, non-contagious zombie hands. Or turning the underwire into some sort of cage so the ends stop stabbing you in the armpit/arm/boob/chest/face.

    Whatever it is, I’ve already designed my TV ad, pretty much women trying to do normal things with hands on boobs then finding an extra pair of hands to be able to things AND wear hands as bras.
    I don’t know if that’s creepy, hot, or a mixture of that and something else.

  137. 137

    PS I think my point was, if you’re ever asked to do something for free like that, only agree if they will advertise YOUR latest innovation for free in return first.

  138. cold. but, to the point. i approve.

    emily illinois recently posted Where was I.

  139. My husband had surgery about a year ago and the morphine cart wasn’t nearly as awesome as it sounds. Much like pajama jeans. It only gives you a specified amount of pain killer every hour no matter how many times you press that stupid button. And it is completely unmoved if you go all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment on it. Which may kind of be the point. Or maybe we just had a stingy cart.

  140. The only time I’ve been approached for advertising on my blog was from a company that manufactured industrial cement flooring in Colorado. I live in Canada. And I’m not terribly industrial (I catch ceilings on fire while changing light bulbs…true story). At least you were offered free ginch. #silverlining

  141. Wonder if they will let Victor bring home that morphine cat? It would be a great addition to the Heroin Kitty, no?

    Holly B recently posted Hail Storms &amp Fried Asshole.

  142. Morphine cats would be awesome, but how would they give you their morphine?

    Amanda recently posted Cats on the Couch.

  143. Victor has lost the privilege of being allowed out of your sight. Forever. (deal with it) And Wesley Crusher is my hero.

  144. Maybe the bra innovation had something to do with embedded metal plates? Just saying.

  145. I hope you don’t end up feeling guilty about that. Your response was actually nice. There aren’t even any curse words or ANYthing!

  146. Had you not included the picture of WW, you should feel a little bad. But because you included it, you should rest easy. In fact, have a pull off Vic’s morphine, why don’tcha.

    the muskrat recently posted 912 days without a golden shower!.

  147. Maybe you should just ditch the Wil Wheaton photo and start sending a picture of that morphine cat…it might really freak them out?

    The Mommy Therapy recently posted Dont Mess With Me- I Have Issues.

  148. You’re so mean. I know hundreds of guys who NEED those bras. Come on, Jenny!

    Fred Miller recently posted Aren’t Children Cruel.

  149. someday they’ll learn

    PS the morphine cat, do you need eat it or sniff it?

    angelica recently posted Star attack- photo post.

  150. Well, I’ve been up since 1:23 a.m because I was waiting for my 19 yr., who wasn’t home yet (she’s safe & home now), and then couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t want to eat out of sheer boredom, so I knew I could find something on your blog that would entertain me, kind of like old episodes of I Love Lucy or The Golden Girls. That’s what I love about you and your blog. You’re like the 7-11 or Quick Trip — you can find something at any time of the night or day.
    First of all, I hope Victor gets well soon and I see your point of “now it’s even” when you go to airports. Also, morphine is addictive. I don’t know if morphine cats are addictive, though. I think they’re just “addicted.” How could you even tell the difference though?
    And, I finally realized who Will Wheaton is. I didn’t want to admit that the last time I wrote on your blog when you wrote that post about him doing the paper thing. Then, I saw an ad for Stand by Me somewhere and I saw that cute little boy who I adored in that movie and “click,” the light bulb came on! Feels good to be back in the loop!

    rtcrita recently posted What a wonderful night for a moondance!.

  151. Love it. Love you. 🙂

    Hamlet's Mistress recently posted If you want me on your side… shut up!.

  152. I’m sure the PR people love you. After loads of “no thanks”, your emails are the highlight of their day. You’re probably like a mythical person to them, they tell all the new PR people about you in hushed tones behind the water cooler.

    Did they give victor any sort of robotic attachment on his arm? Because that would be cool.

  153. I am probably one of the few people in the world who would refuse a morphene cart… but then morphene makes me feel like my intestines are gonna climb up my throat and strangle me. Extreme pain or death by nausia… I will take the pain please.

    And if someone could invent a bra that actually supports DD without the use of horrid underwires that leave brusies in my armpits I would definitely give them money.

  154. So, my friend & co-worker went to the doctor last week regarding strange muscle spasms in her stomach. The diagnosis? Pregnancy. Guess when she’s due? TODAY. She’s only known she was pregnant for a damn week. I can’t make this shit up.

    Just had to share this with you, because I just knew it was something you’d want to know about.

  155. I love the follow up email! Also, how revolutionary can a bra cover be? Now I feel a need to google…Shoot, that sounded dirty.

  156. Now wait a minue: An innovative bra? Does it do something new and exciting? Like, make my boobs bigger when I’m not even WEARING it? Because that’d be something to discuss. PR person: I may just be interested. Send your emails my way and we ‘ll chat.

    Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog recently posted Like- fer sherr!.

  157. Hello Jenny,

    I am totally in the dark about what happened to your husband, Victor, but you are totally awesome. I like how you joke about the almost tragic situations like getting a metal plate in your arm with a couple of screws (ouch!).

    Oh, and I like the way you handled that annoying people that after sending you an email and they don’t get an answer they keep insisting like the other emails have just gone away.

    I would think that if a person didn’t answer my email s/he had read and deleted it (thus it’s uninterested in it) or she doesn’t check her email, which implies that the second email is useless.

    Alex recently posted Jocuri cu masini.

  158. So…Victor is now the Terminator? Awesome.

  159. I’m in PR and I am strongly considering pitching you my enterprise technology clients.

    Pablo recently posted Study Shows Stuff Happening Somewhere Else Right Now.

  160. I just almost peed my pants. Between this and the Little House on the Prairie post…you need to put a warning “May not be suitable for women who have had three kids and forget to squeeze when laughing so hard.”

    Whooo…*wiping tears*

  161. As someone who wears a really uncomfortable 30F size bra, I can’t stop thinking about what the new innovation in bras might be.

  162. 162
    Tamara Farrell

    I hope the metal arm plate people had to pay a lot for your endorsement of their product since sales will probably be going up tomorrow. Oh, and I like the way you handled that annoying people that after sending you an email and they don’t get an answer they keep insisting like the other emails have just gone away.

    Tamara Farrell recently posted Many Cures.

  163. 163
    Lila Burns

    That would really interest me. And my favorite pitch has been for poop spray.

  164. Just had a PR person from a smallish company rip me apart, expecting advertising for free. This made me feel better.

    Found you via a random google search about terrible pr and can’t stop laughing, thank you.

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