I just got an email from this chick who’s asking bloggers to share what it was like the first time they ever posted on their blog so I went to look and see what other people were saying about their first posts and it was all sort of profound and introspective stuff. So then I went back to look up the very first post *I* ever wrote on this blog. This is it, in its entirety:
I am nothing if not consistent.
118 thoughts on “Poor punctuation & profanity: The first four years”
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One of the best posts I’ve ever read.
You’re right – it even makes insults funnier and more fulfilling.
without curse words: You suck.
with curse words: Asshole, you suck shit.
Heck when your dog died last year you should have just linked to your first post!
Not my first post, but one of the first ones was a photo for one of those weekly photo memes. I posted the photo, posted the link to the meme and then got in the shower. While in there it suddenly dawned on me that actual people were going to be coming and looking at my website and my photo. I had a panic attack. It’s funny to think back on that now.
If they were really honest, they’d say “my first blog post was shitty.” But that would be funny, since cursing is involved. You were clearly right all along.
That’s fucking brilliant.
All I keep seeing is “Mommy Wants Vodka” on the right… here on your blog. So glad you wrote that first post and all the others that followed.
What was the dog’s name? Oh the intrigue!
I just ate a sandwich.
I just ate a shit sandwich.
My 19-year-old thinks she’s pregnant.
My fucking 19-year-old thinks she’s pregnant.
My 19-year-old thinks she is fucking pregnant. Okay, a bit funnier.
Simple truths are the most profound truths. Wait, simple truths are the most fucking profound truths. You’re right!
Curse words are just adjectives. Really great, meaningful, fulfilling adjectives. Or possibly adverbs as in: My day was shittingly awful.
I wrote a horrific post about sneaking onto my old elementary school playground for a smoke, and getting chased off by a skunk. Again, nothing much has changed. Your’s is way more awesome.
I don’t agree.
“I killed your dog. “—-Eh,
“I killed your fucking dog. —kind of creepy
See? Not so funny with the cursing.
Well I guess it all comes down to where the curse is placed in the sentence.
“I killed your dog fucking.” –Ok. That is kind of funny.
fucking profound indeed…
That does seem like a pretty good first post. My first post was about taking my kids to a University of Texas football game. As a single dad, I thought that it was a pretty decent idea at the time.
So damn true! Question for you: how come there’s “The Joy of Sex, ” “The Joy of Cooking,” “The Joy of Signing,” “The Joy of Less,” but there is not “The Joy of Cursing?” Maybe this could be one of your projects?
Bob ate cereal. Bob fucking ate cereal. Bob, fucking, ate cereal. It’s not just swearing, it’s punctuation.
Consistency is a virtue. A fucking virtue. Glad to see you’re upholding that one.
My first post? Something about pushing a neighbor off the swings when I was 5. I don’t think I had a point.
I still don’t think I have a point. Again, consistency, right? Wouldn’t want to confuse any one by all of a sudden having a point.
Figures that your first blog post would be nothing but the most profound, utter truth of the universe.
The Most FUCKING profound, utter truth of the universe.
“Brevity is the soul of wit.” – Shakespeare
A great start: short and sweet. You’ve only gotten better. I do appreciate your well-placed swears (I need to hone my skills).
My first blog post was about scaring a straight guy who offered me some cheeba in a nightclub. Not the nicest start, but it set a tone.
On the subject though, my first blog post ever (Jan 22 2005, 9:43 pm – on the old MSN Spaces platform) was a 3-4 line diatribe about my shitty Ford Tempo that was the bane of my existence. There was a lot of ellipsis and exclamation point abuse.
I once took a linguistics class in which the TA devoted a session to trying to solve what he called The Fucking Problem, which was basically trying to figure out the rules for when it’s okay to insert “fucking” into the middle of a word (e.g., fan-fucking-tastic). I don’t remember what we came up with.
That actually makes me sad.
For my first post, I tried really hard to set the bar, and readers’ expectations, low.
But I do feel bad about your dog post. Geez.
I just made a video with my live dog, not that it’s any consolation…
Best. Most Concise. Blog Post. Ever.
My first post was about how you shouldn’t swallow your own tongue. Sweet jeebus.
And that is why I fucking love your guts
Best first post ever!
Most of us, incuding me, start with a lame-o “hello world, yet another blog is born, blah blah blah…”.
I like the part where you said fuck.
and see, that is why we love you.
i think my blog post of consisted of “this is who i am, and this is why my life is going to be funny to you: hold the line and see!”
obviously, you win.
very consistent. good stuff.
Cursing *does* make everything funnier.
Fucking wish I’d been the one to point that out to the world. Really missed the shit ship on that one.
Posted in “random crap”. I love you Jenny!
ahem. Sorry: fucking inspired.
When we were kids, my sister and I used to watch a version of the movie “the Jerk” that my mother had taped off of the television. One day, as adults, it happened to be on TV and for good memories we decided to watch. Imagine what a wonderful surprise it was to find out that the dog’s name was actually “shithead” and not “stupid”. For years we had labored under a 1980’s voice over illusion and were non-the-wiser….and yes, shithead was much funnier. I mean it was fucking funny as shit.
Normally, I think consistency is overrated, but in your case…it works.
one time, for shits and giggles, I went back to the furthest post of yours I could go to and then read the rest up to that day’s post. Creepy? yes. but i don’t give a flying rat’s ass because it made my fucking day. And by that I totally mean a day that was fucking me. I don’t actually know what I mean by a flying rat, though. In all actuality, if I had a flying rat I really wouldn’t give it away. Not even it’s ass. Maybe it’s shit though. Actually wait… the shit of a flying rat?? yea, I wouldn’t give that away either. I’d sell it. on my blog. along with videos of my rat flying. This is starting to sound like an amazing buisness idea. Anyone know any scientists that are conducting experiments on combining animal DNA in order to make random rodents fly… like perhaps rats? I’d just need one. Or maybe two. That way they could breed and I could sell flying rat babies. Wow. I need to post here more often… this is the best idea i’ve come up with for a while!
since I came up with it on your site, i’ll give you some of the proceeds, Jenny. That way you can stick around for another 4 years. Because I need this kind of inspiration.
I enjoy reading Jenny but not every post is “awesome” or “fantastic”
I fucking love reading Jenny but not every fucking post is fabulous or “best” as shit.
Be real. Please.
This is a lot of pressure. I’m doomed to never start a blog now. A lot of fucking pressure.
My first was a boring wankfest, but my second (which I actually wrote first) began with:
“Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it”.
I sent it to my mother, she was super proud.
My first blog post ever was some bullshit like, “Hey! This is me being all cheerleader happy and perky! Come back when I get a fucking clue because I am so great you want to be me!” *VERY* profound and introspective stuff if I do say so myself…
Anyone who claims to have a profound first blog post is a liar. Or a spy. Or Gandhi. Yeah. Gandhi… he would have had a profound first post… Everyone else? Dirty little liars!
This post is hilarious.
This post is fucking hilarious.
Okay, no word of a lie, after I typed my comment both dogs knocked over an 18kg bag of dog food down the goddamned stairs.
Guess what? They get it complete with dust and cobwebs swept up in the clean up.
That was just hilarious! Come to think of it, adding some profanity is kind of adding shock value to your sentences. Everyone is sort of not expecting it. Unless you are known to be a potty-mouth.
You are proof that good things come from not getting enough attention as a child.
I fucking love you.
You’re not just consistent, you’re fucking consistent.
Could you please explain the difference between “fucking shit” and the non-fucking variety of shit? Also, has anybody ever caught fecal matter in flagrante delicto?
Short. Sweet. And to the fucking point.
If you ever decide to leave this whole blogging thing behind, you should just teach writing, because I got more out of this post than any fucking writing classes I’ve ever taken.
Wait – is this a dead dog blog or a cursing blog? Now I’m confused.
Seriously? Who in the world but you could get away with that shit? You’re lucky you had already discovered the thing about cursing making everything funnier. Or you would’ve been screwed.
profanity or not, some people have the “it” factor…and some people have the shit factor. And, the rest hope you will eat our m&m’s every once in a while. 😀
My first blog post was a bunch of rambling about myself (in numbered list form, of course.) My second post was the product of my unbridled rage at a stupid freshman after he refered to me as “woman.” My third post was going to be about telepathic grandmas and muff pistols, but then Toy Story 3 ruined my childhood, so I never got around to that.
That is completely hilarious! And true. No, not just true. FUCKING true! Word.
PS. This post is going to have the most profanity ever gathered in one comments section. It’s a serious fuck-fest.
PPS to The Amazing Miss Fantasic – I actually had to google “muff pistol” after I read your comment. It was not the sex toy I imagined. Disappointed…
This is why I love you.
Concise + cursing=perfection (i.e.The Bloggess)
i think most people are under the impression that the simpler something is, the more profound – so you’re way ahead of the curve, oh guru woman. and if i see more than a paragraph, i usually skip it, so i am profoundly wise and therefore my opinion matters.
And THIS is why we read. 🙂
I know this has nothing to do with your post just now, but I found a picture of what you might look like if you were a guy. Srsly.
See! Kind of Robert Mitchumy, with five o’clock shadow…
Of course, this is probably not you for another 20 years or so, but still.
That has to be the most concise blog ever. I love you so much Jenny! By contrast my first blog was wordy and sickly heartfelt. I’m mushy like that.
Thank goodness you got more verbose.
I wonder how people would have reacted to, “My fucking grandma just died”
I think mine was some emo crap on Diaryland in 2001.
Hasn’t changed much, except I now use my own name.
At least it’s way more hilarious than mine. I just checked and it was about bread. There’s a cellphone picture of the bread. Total failure. At least, there was no where to go but up.
I wrote about the first time I ever met my fiance. Because, you know, people needed to know how lame I actually am.
Particularly funny is profanity that is made up. fuckitty for example.
My first post was about how I my grades were subpar in college and I felt like I was failing at life.
It had nary a swear word which clearly meant it was a fucking awful post.
This might be the most I’ve ever said fuck in my life. Thanks, for turning me into a potty mouth, Jenny.
Consistency is a virtue (I think) which makes you the most virtuous blogger I know.
Profundity is overrated. Fucking overrated. As is profanity. Now isn’t this profound?
I am biased, but I kind of enjoy telling readers I have pictures of them fellating goats. Fuck if I didn’t wet my pants when one of them sent me a picture of the real deal.
Fuck adds a bit of a zing to that line above, but it just doesn’t remove the look of horror at the thought of that poor goat. Time to bleach my eyes.
Love it! And love that it was dated on my 30th birthday!
That’s fucking hilarious
I thought for a moment this was a new post.
But it wasn’t.
I was disappointed.
That is all.
This is really a waste of a comment. I’m sorry.
My first blog post was probably about sandwiches. Really, it should have been about fucking sandwiches. But that just isn’t right.
I need more tips for blogging.
oh! I ate a whole cheesecake!
Oh shit! I ate a whole fucking cheesecake!
Not only is it funnier, but it also makes you feel better about doing bad things.
Thanks Jenny, you fucking made my day!
OMG You’re right. I just tried it.
Before: “Kids, wake up.”
After: “Hey you fucking kids. Wake the fuck up. Fuck.”
They didn’t wake up any faster but I sure as Hell had more fun trying.
I’m sorry, I stopped listening to all of you at comment 55.
I don’t even want to look at my first post. I’m certain it was awful.
Ah, I think I read that in Chicken Soup for the Motherfucking Soul, right?
But look how far you’ve come? Now, we not only hear the cursing about the dog dying, but we also get the cursing around the burial antics!
(Dogs dying and their burials are not supposed to be funny, how do you do that? Make us laugh at such things?)
(Also, exactly how many dogs have you, uh, lost? I mean, I have a bloody trail of hamsters, goldfish, and parakeets behind me but so far, I’ve managed to keep the dogs alive.)
(And now I’m wondering if I should even hit POST on this. Because beloved dogs that die on us are generally not comedic material. Sigh. But here goes nothing…)
Seeing how much people have changed in their writing style (including my own) over time is always enlightening and funny.
Consistancy is good…consitantly cursing is even better…but consitantly making me laugh is fantastic (I totally agree with JustLinda’s comment above)
My writing style and the things that I care about, now, are completely different. I wouldn’t fucking dare go back there and read my oldest posts.
I have been trying to pare down my use of the fuck-word since I got a lot of stodgy responses from people who knew me back when I was an innocent and were begging me to be classy. Like, “That was hilarious, if only I could forward it to my ladies bible study. But I can’t because it is profane.” And I’m thinking, “I’m fairly confident that your bible study wouldn’t be interested in the first time someone else was made aware of my sensitive gag-reflex but whateve.”
But sometimes, as you’ve pointed out, cursing is just the better fucking mode of linguistical transportation.
I like your first post way better than mine. I also like your other posts better than mine. Thanks for the inferiority complex.
Honestly, your first post seems more on point than a lot of the blathering masses I’ve read who spent half my life explaining the same thing.
That’s right, I used blathering… I’m on sudafed and can be wordy! 😛
Speaking of Sudafed, how come spell-check doesn’t see this word as real but has no issue with lol. And why does it assume I mean Sudanese? I don’t even know what a Sudanese is but I doubt it has as many cough and cold cures as Sudafed. Asshole spell-checker.
Anyhow, I liked your first post… and I’m thankful you have continued the trend. 🙂
Is it crazy/awesome that I logged on here before any actual work application this morning? After seeing this post, I know I made the right decision. I also looked back at my post, it was Op-Ed piece on gay marriage when I fancied myself a philosopher. Now I draw picture and talk about people sharting at Barneys.
My first post weighed the pros and cons of being burried at sea…you know, the obvious problem with “visitor parking”. I think this a real issue that needs to be addressed.
My first blog post was all introspective and sincere and soul-baring.
And boring. I should have gone your route a LONG time ago!
That’s pretty profound.
That’s pretty fucking profound.
Hey, did does make everything better!!
I am all about cursing for effect and enhancement, but when you have a five your old in the house, you have to be responsible about it. We make sure our daughter understands that those are “at home words” and she just can’t go running around saying them wherever the fuck she pleases. So far, so good.
Obviously, I meant “five year old”. But hey, I got the “fuck” part right which is all that really matters!
Although mostly true, this is NOT valid if you’re currently labeled as “the defendant.”
I’ve never said anything profound in my life and I’m way the HELL older than you. Don’t start now…I haven’t.
Is your dog still dead?
Talk about setting a tone.
Hmm. Perhaps we could try some iconic quote testing on this…
“Oh, the fucking humanity!” check.
“That’s one small step for man, one giant fucking leap for mankind.” check
“I am not a fucking crook” check
“Fucking Winning.” check
Yep, I fully support your theory.
Yep. That’s about right.
You and your fucking dogs crack me up.
Or should I say, “Fucking, ha!”
You are way funnier than I will ever be.
I posted random inappropriate thoughts for a year on a Tumblr blog before I actually started truly blogging. Once I transferred to an official blog/site my first post started out something like this: “Holy Shit y’all!!”
…and then something along the lines of how someone was dumb enough to let me have my own corner of the web. Basically I cursed a lot (because I could) and rambled (turns out that’s a trend in my life)
On my about me page which I wrote before my first post I said. “Don’t fuck with me” .
Way to be warm and inviting to the potential 1 of 10’s who might come to read it.
I might as well have told everyone to go fuck right off. That would have been better. Or not.
Who let me have a blog?
I am even more convinced I should remove my first post, except it would shorten the life of my blog by a year. Earnest, I was.
I used to curse a lot on my blog. I need to do that again. Damn it!
Oooh, you’re fucking right!
Cursing can also make things more serious.
If I have a carpet installation business, It would sound silly if I called it “Fred’s Carpet Installation.” Nobody would take me seriously. But if I called it “Fred’s Fucking Carpet Installation” people would take me more seriously.
OK, but if it was a really great dog, and you’re going to miss it, shouldn’t it be:
My dog fucking died.
Otherwise, it sounds like you didn’t like your dog much. Which maybe you didn’t. Kinda depends on what noun you want to modify, I guess – the dog or death.
You could do both, but that seems a little over the top:
My fucking dog fucking died.
Ah, fuck it. It’s your blog, do what you want.
Fucking makes everything better…”I can’t fucking believe it’s not fucking butter!”
Thanks for the reminder Jenny, and have a nice, fucking day.
Sometimes I really wish swearing wouldn’t send me straight to Hell. It’s a marvel people even read my blog. I use “crap” so often that my craving for an adequate replacement is akin to preganat woman/pickles.
FYI, there is none. I’ve looked. Hard.
I’ve done it. I’ve soooo done it. But I typically hurry up and hide my computer screen when someone walks into the room. So I highly appreciate that you didn’t…and also defended it. You rock
You are awesome sprinkled on awesome. My first posts are pathetic enough to make me cry. And not in a good way. Or a fucking good way.
Cursing indeed makes everything funnier. You have always been educational. Yes you are consistent if nothing else. ^_^
Fuck Yeah !
My first blog posting I entitled “Virgin Blog” so, of course, I get tons of spam comments on THAT posting. Apparently the word “virgin” brings all the porn spammers running! Since half my posts are dirty.. its kinda appropriate! lol
Like Haiku, but better. Like, fucking Haiku.
The first Bloggess post I read is the Blogess’ first post four years after the fact. flol
While discussing this post (naturally) with my dad, over bangers and mash served by fake Irish people, we realized that almost universally the sentence gets funnier the later you move the swearword in the sentence:
Fuck, my dog died. (Sad)
My fucking dog died. (Bitter, a little funny)
My dog fucking died. (A great excuse not to get anything done for at least a week.)
My dog died fucking. (Priceless.)
I think my first blog post ever was about slagging off a character from some old Korean drama nobody else watches and eating a square of chocolate.
But the non-profound posts are the best ones!
Oh, I mean “the non-profound ones are the fucking best ones!”