Dude. You’re totally here. I’m not even sure why you keep asking.

According to Alexa, one of the very top queries from search engines that directs people to my blog is “YOU’RE AN IDIOT”.  It seems confusing and sort of needlessly insulting but I just looked it up myself and Google was all “Oh, you must be looking for the bloggess“.   Awesome.

Apparently I also score very high for people searching for “phobia of giant women”, “motherfucker”, and (my personal favorite): “Does it look like I’m here?”

Exactly how many people are googling “Does it look like I’m here?”  And why are they asking?  And what do they expect to find?

These are the questions that keep me up at night…

Comment of the day: People found my blog by searching for the terms “Anal Moon” and “turtle shits on nightgown”. I also got one for “is Matt Damon vulnerable”

I still don’t know if he is vulnerable, and now I’m kind of wary of the moon. ~ Rev. Back It On Up

133 thoughts on “Dude. You’re totally here. I’m not even sure why you keep asking.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you google “TJ hot mess” it finds my blog as well as “childhood trauma stalker”

    Granted, I have blogged about both, but WHY are people googling this shit?!

  2. That’s funny, especially because one of the very top queries that brings people to my blog? “Oprah is an idiot” For realz. Looking forward to seeing you again in New Orleans this week. If I don’t find you at the cocktail party I’ll be sure to check the bathroom 🙂

  3. Last year I did a book review of Olivia Munn’s…I don’t even really want to call it a book because it was really just a bunch of essays lazily bound together, and I get AT LEAST 100 hits daily from Google searches for her. I surmise that they’re looking for pictures of her in skimpy clothes, but hey…hits are hits.

    I should send her a gift basket.

  4. A winner this week for me is: dh “smallest penis i”
    What kind of combo of words/letters is that? and how is there more than one person typing that?

  5. One of my top queries is “Unicorn Party”, oh wait that is cool. My point? I forgot. Guess I’m an idiot and it doesn’t look like I am here mentally. I am so confused.

  6. My favorite one is people coming to my blog after googling “Cher’s ovaries.” Seriously, who does that?

  7. These are hysterical. I wish I could claim any authority about giant-woman phobia or… invisibility?
    The most memorable search query I’ve ever seen at my blog was “mantra to make my husband love me again,” which is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

  8. The number one search term that drives people to my site is ‘angry badger.’ Like, more than all other search terms put together. By a lot. I guess a lot of people are looking for angry badgers.

  9. Odd search phrase that brings them to my blog: “I can tell you is that”. What does this even mean?
    My favorites are the ones who come searching for termite costume answers/directions. I don’t have answers, people. I velcroed some crappily-made wings to his back, stuck him in a striped sweatshirt, and called him a termite. I blogged about how much I suck at making a termite costume. And just how many of us are out there making termite costumes? What’s that about?

  10. I have some seriously weird search words that come up for me too. Like a sports team and stuff…? I’ve never written a word about sports on my blog in my life. And I hate sports so. I guess we’ll all just have to be disappointed…

  11. Well, you tend to write abut random things, so it only makes sense that random questions would bring people here. Both “stab victor” and “don’t stab victor” lead here, so I think overall, your blog is fair and balanced. I only clicked the “don’t stab victor” link. Just trying to be helpful.

  12. Shame the ‘phobia of giant woman’ is a bit insulting. Or do you have a phobia of giant woman and have blogged about it a lot?

  13. I for one have always found your blog very existential, Jenny.

    My blog’s best search terms were: “how to chastise a man with cable ties and a toilet roll tube,” and “how the fuck do you make a paper hat?” Although in my case, these terms are appropriate since I do both of these things well.

    Quite well.

  14. You know, you should really be flattered. People are coming here to figure out the answer to why they are here.

    Of course, they are getting the answer that they are idiots, which is kind of an unfortunate thing.

  15. Someone found my blog googling “The idea that it should” Um really? Who is searching for that and what the heck do they think they are going to find? I have no idea. Not even one that it should.

  16. My search terms for my blog are boring.. They’re always plainly obvious.. although I get a kick out of the number of people who come to my blog by searching “A girl like that will make you forget about Hiroshima”

  17. Recently “Oktoberfest sex” overtook “Japanese peeing” as the top search term directing people to my blog. I’m sure all those folks are extremely disappointed to find my not-even-vaguely-pornographic content. I’m imagining an angry mob of perverts out there hating me.

  18. My recent keyword searches for my blog are “no brains”, “without brains”, and “babies being eaten”… not looking good for the Spaz.

  19. I’m fascinated by the odd ones – who are these people and what are they looking for? How do they know when they get there?

  20. “Pretty girl playing piano” brings up a photo of my son. I’m waiting for the perfect moment to share this with him.

  21. Funny, I found your blog years ago when I Googled “badass bitches I might love”

    Among my search terms right now?
    “naked jello wrestling”
    “mom twist my nipples”
    “midget ladies and small boys having SEX”
    “mom found ball gag”
    “penis fixation and dickhead disease”
    “asian porn”
    “sticky saliva after masturbation?”
    “baby dentures”

    And I want to know, who in the hell searches for baby dentures!? That is one SICK FUCK RIGHT THERE.

  22. My favorite search query for my site is “fingernail porn.” And I never cease to be surprised by the sick things people want to do to miniature ponies and Paula Deen.

  23. My writing partner and I get lots of hits from people looking for other authors or naked men. Every so often, though, we get things like “seduction fail,” “red hair and freckles splotchy skin,” and “beeg naughty book worms lucky bastard gets caught middle.” (All of those are > 5 hits. HOW?!)

    But my personal favorite? “Nanite erotica.” That person is way more interesting than me.

  24. I am obviously blogging about the wrong things, wine and happy hour. Unless I start featuring Zombies at Happy Hour (which actually did happen) or Taxidermied (made that word up) Alligators wearing berets munching on sushi, I’m just going to have to settle for being boring.

  25. I think google is messing with everyone. They have people whose job is just to sit there and type in random shit and see where it lands them. Then they report this as their statistical results and everyone says MUST HAVE GOOGLE ANALYTICS. Genius.

  26. That shouldn’t keep you up at night, Jenny. There are much freakier things to worry about at night, rather that what people Google. In fact, I bet you Google some pretty freaky shit yourself – just cuz you’re so creative and inquisitive.

  27. That’s nothing, most people find me Googling sexy breastfeeding mothers and Piccadilly Circus. Sounds like a day out to me.

    Those two posts have kept my visitor numbers up even on a dull day, of course the pervs all go away disappointed when it isn’t some sort of squirty site, but do I care? No.

    I like disappointing pervs, it seems fitting.

  28. I found your blog searching for motherfucker. I was having a bad day and my life was instantly changed. I seriously never knew there were people like me in the world and now I have found my sarcastic crazy people!

  29. The only instance that I can find of a Google search leading to my site is for “ryan sorba and crystal meth.” And that even if that is the only one, it is so incredibly righteous that I am more than happy for just that one hit.

  30. “sore armpits” is still one of my favorite keywords that brings furiousBall into the hearts and minds of so many. But my latest keyword campaign is going to the be longtail keyword phrase “you are the wind beneath John Goodman’s ass” I bet the pay per click is going to be cheap as all get out.

    And if you’re wondering, that’s going to be part of a new cologne I’m launching that smells like turkey dressing and John Goodman’s butthole. It’s gonna kill. Kill.

  31. I turn the question and ask “Does it look like I’m NOT here?”

    Because technically I’m not here, because here is not there, and there is not here.

    I think I’ll end this by placing my remaining brain cells in a Jack LaLanne memorial juicer. So I can at least be tasty if I’m not here.

  32. if i close my eyes, am i really here? are you? what if you close your eyes, but i don’t? what if you accidentally fall down and impale your eyes on a matched pair of stuffed otters and i have one eye open and one eye closed, how about then?

  33. Ha ha! I never look at my search results but I just did and my two most popular are: “how do you know if you knew each other in past life” and “bitch inspire women today”. Apparently my past is haunting me from my other less than glorious lives…. but, hey, I’m inspiring women to be bitches so it’s aaallllll gooooooddd!

  34. Love the phobia of giant women! I mean, how many giant women do people run into to develop such a phobia. I suspect that person just has a phobia of being afraid of normal things.

    I’m afraid I’m losing my memory but i won’t realize it because i can’t remember what i used to be like. maybe i should Google that, huh?

  35. People found my blog by searching for the terms “Anal Moon” and “turtle shits on nightgown”. I also got one for “is Matt Damon vulnerable”

    I still don’t know if he is vulnerable, and now I’m kind of wary of the moon.

  36. C’mon… we ALL know those are YOUR google searches… fucking batshit crazy but so totally fucking awesome pulls you up too…

  37. I got a hit a few weeks ago from the term “do your nostrils attach.” I am still so confused by this — attach to WHAT? Your face? Each other? Is this the sort of thing you need the internet to help you figure out?? I wish I knew what it meant.

    Also, “high schoolers in diapers,” “why do sebaceous cysts squirt so far,” and “cost golden corral early bird special cleveland tn.” So there’s that.

  38. Masturbating monkeys … you wouldnt believe how many people google that… then find my blog. :/
    Write one time about monkeys having happy endings at the zoo and it follows you forever. ha ha

  39. I’ve been trying to generate more traffic by using words I thought were popular searches like zombies and free porn, but it has yet to help…hmm.

  40. Most google hits for me result from any mention of a celebrity’s name. I told a story once about how Vincent Gallo told me off, and got hits from “vincent gallo panties” and “vincent gallo asshole”. It kind of shed a new light on the nasty attitude of Vincent Gallo – the kinds of people who are interested in him are into some really ugly stuff.

  41. OK, so I’m a 52 year old guy and according to Alexa my website is heavily over-represented by women between the ages of 25 and 34 who have children and are browsing from home. Not that I am the least bit surprised based on the topic of my site but it just seems weird that I created a website that attracts that demographic, doesn’t it?

    So where are all the advertisers looked for young women with kids???

  42. Top search for me used to be weight loss or knitting. Now, the top searches are: Nathan Fillion, Nathan Fillion with twine, naked Nathan Fillion twine balls, and (my favorite) naked Nathan Fillion twine optional.

    And my mother said I’d never amount to anything. Pshaw….

    Bless Google’s heart…

  43. I’m jealous. All my search terms turn out to be for things much more interesting than what’s actually on my blog.

  44. So I don’t want to brag, but my blog is the 3rd hit in google for “hot dirty milkshakes”.

    I get a lot of people searching for TOVA ADD, since the Test Of Variable Attention is an ADD diagnostic test, but the thing is my name is Tova, and my blog is about random things inspired by my ADD. So I think those searchers are pretty disappointed. (Unless they do have ADD, then they are distracted and entertained)

  45. I remember a long time ago you wrote a post someone shouting “You’re an Idiot” in a movie theater or something. That could explain that one.

  46. My own high google search seems to be “obnoxious sayings”. Which I kind of like. But I think “motherfucker” would be pretty awesome too. . .

    I am also suprised “chupacabra feet” is not high on your list.

  47. Years ago my husband gave me a card with a deer taking a crap in the woods. I wrote about it on my blog and I’m amazed at how many people look that up. This week there have been several people looking up “deer taking a crap in the woods” which lead them to my site.

    I also wrote about changing my daughter’s diaper while I was in a car at the grocery store parking lot and how some old man yelled at me. So now I have nasty pervs who look up “old men in diaper pics” and find my blog. My blog is full of crazy shit.

  48. Real searches people used to get to my blog: “i’m so opinionated i have no friends,” “how to not be so opinionated,” which make some sense, since I am very opinionated, but this one? “litter song. how am i spoues” No clue.

  49. I got “orthodox jew porn”.

    (I presume it involves autoeroticasphyixation via teffilin,
    and maybe a glimpse of a married Jewish woman’s hair…)

    I find it intriguing that the one post that could possibly have anything to do with that is about fedoras and trilbies.

    Unless that *is* porn for Orthodox Jews.

  50. It is truly puzzling why people google some of the things they google. I believe it might be the result of drunk googling, a growing problem all over the world. This post has really opened my eyes and has made me realize that I should stop drunk googling. And I vow to do so..after tonight.

  51. My blog is found easily via narcissism, asshats, and pubic hair. I find that … apropos, since I rant about narcissistic asshats and the unholy rejection of pubic hair.

  52. omg hi, can we be best friends?

    seriously. i’m awesome. you’re awesome. and that’s enough for me.

    and i have high standards.

    this may not represent that right now, but i really DO have high standards.

  53. I try not to look at what google search words are leading people to my blog becaues I usually find it disturbing. I posted once about my 5 year old peeing on (yes, that’s on, not in) the shower and I get a lot of people searching for all sorts of urine related nonsense. People are gross.

    I also had the disturbing, “Mommy tortures boys’ asshole” last week and I almost started crying because I couldn’t figure out what the hell people were looking for, or how those words let to my blog. Disturbing.

    Maybe you just get a lot of confused people? 🙂

  54. “naked guy 405” and “ina garten is a bitch” searches send people to me. Its sad because I paid a boatload of money to show up in a search of these keywords: “Donkey Show” “I have a horse” and “Magnets”, yet I get nothing.

  55. I have to say, I checked out a boatload of all ya’lls blogs today on the basis of your sick and twisted keyword search results….but I linked from here, rather than type in the depravity.

  56. Well I’ll tell you what really hurts…it is going to Alexa and looking to see what funny search terms lead people to your own site and being told there isn’t enough traffic for Alexa to even care! I knew blogging about yarn, budgets and kitty cats was probably a niche market but I didn’t realize it was a niche of ONE!

  57. Ok now I am just sad. I checked out Alexa and learned that “There are 6,803,497 sites with a better three-month global Alexa traffic rank than La-juice.com.”

    true I have only been “around” a month or so..but that just hurts.

  58. The proudest moment of my life was when my blog was the top result for hating Gwyneth K. Paltrow.

    It’s on my resume.

    Wait. Is this why I’m unemployed?

  59. My previous blog used to gets hits *all the time* from people all over the world googling the shit out of beast+fucker. I would alternate between “I’ve diverted someone from making a poor internet decision so where the fuck is my goddamn medal” and “I really shouldn’t google this again but…wait, I’ve fallen to #3?! Unacceptable, international creepy fuckers.”

  60. “You’re here, because you’re a fucking idiot” is the unstated theme for google personal searches.

    Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

  61. According to the wonder of Google Analytics, I’m #7 in “Poo” and #3 in “Your moms tits.”

    None of this literally, of course.

    At least, not TODAY.

  62. “You’re an idiot” is far better than “You have an inappropriately large left elbow” or “How to get eyebrows bushy enough to smuggle in food to the movie theater”

    Sadly, neither of which would point anyone to my blog… AND, most likely will now lead people to YOUR blog. So… it looks like you win again. Dang it!

  63. One – ONE! – person on my blogroll has a picture of Sandra Bullock in a see-through top as his avatar. This is the only time Sandra Bullock appears anywhere in my blog.
    Today’s top search results that brought people to my blog:
    – Sandra Bullock butt
    – Sandra Bullock topless
    – Sandra Bullock oops
    – fotos de Sandra Bullock hot

    I fucking give up.
    Tampon porn? Really?

  64. I just went back to check on today’s searched words and phrases and here they are:
    anti justin bieber
    meg ryan’s lips then and now
    marilyn munster
    beer and stroke victims
    delusional
    funny bananas

    America, what are you up to, you zanies?

  65. Apparently, if you want to know about why your dog is restless after surgery (drugs), why you can’t return your redbox movie (because redbox is the devil) or what to post on facebook for breast cancer awareness (which is completely wrong because it was all about what NOT to post), you can come see me.

  66. When I started to Google, “YOU’RE AN IDIOT” one of Google’s first suggestions was “You’re an alien, Katy Perry.”

    My first reaction was, “Cool! The grammar on Google is improving!”

    And I really hope Katy Perry uses that search phrase.

  67. At least your search doesn’t have one consistent and alarming theme. Recent Searches that have brought people to my site include “peetrap”, “the bathroom we were all” (???) and “don’t pee on the floor” – something I’ve tried telling my husband many a times. I have a clear “bathroom-functions” theme going, which, *really*? That’s what I write about?!

    On a sad note, someone somehow came across my blog by searching “what to eat to make you throw up”. I’m hoping it was someone who was poisoned and not someone aspiring to be bulemic, but I can’t help but notice that barfing is another bathroom-function. I just can’t get away from it….

  68. It’s alright to question yourself, it’s the answering that’s the problem:

    You: Does it look like I”m here?

    You: Well, the toilet seat’s up and the cat’s pregnant, so yeah, you’re here.

  69. My favourite search that brought someone to my site, 6 times I might add, was “Skeleton waiting for marriage”

    Right……not weird at all.

  70. One of the main searches that finds my blog is “super soaker hoodie”. I guess I shouldn’t talk about vampire slaying so much. Or maybe I should because apparently people need to know about that.

    ♥Spot

  71. If you ever want to know about Acidic Armpits I’m your lady according to Google.
    That is something I am damn well proud of.

    Also my ratings have shot up in the past week from one particular point in America. They’ve all been searching Geese in a V formation and have been finding my blog. I guess there must be a school project going on at the moment… Pretty sure they’d all get A’s if they’d followed my advice on Geese… or maybe not.

    Either way, thank you mysterious school for choosing geese to study, you’ve deluded me into thinking I’m popular and that’s all I really need. Real life popularity is over rated.

    Google’s awesome.

  72. Well, my Google must be broken, because it doesn’t bring me to you when I google ‘you’re an idiot’. It brings me to an albino black sheep and a site called http://www.youreanidiot.org which I’m not going to click on because if I do it will probably mark me as an idiot. Or did googling ‘you’re an idiot’ do that already?

  73. At first it completely freaked me out to see my first name bolded and highlighted in your post. But then it all made sense, given that I do love to mislead and confuse people.

  74. This past week I’ve had very disturbing search terms showing up. Things like, “I fuck my brother’s dog when he travels.” I would like to note here that I have never written about fucking dogs. Because that’s weird. I have, unfortunately, written about my fucking dog, who is really my brother’s dog. So I can only assume this is where I went wrong. I have to stop using the F-word so much.

  75. Some of the Google queries that have led to my blog scare the ever-loving shit out of me. I’ve all but given up looking at them.

  76. Maybe you already know this or maybe you already mentioned it or maybe someone already posted this in a comment but I don’t pay any attention and I forget things easily but if you Google The Bloggess and click pages like The Bloggess.com you can get a link to Urban Dictionary’s entry on “floating” which is a giant poop. I personally don’t connect you to a giant poop at all. I love you. I don’t love poop. I also love run on sentences and rambling. Clearly.

    Another related page to your blog is Wikipedia’s definition of chupacabra.

  77. A Google search for ‘Ron Swanson cat toupees’ has led at least one unsuspecting person to my blog. And for once, Google search got it right.

  78. In Argentina (here on business) none of those terms find you at all! So, at least Google’s not screwed up worldwide.

    Of course, not speaking Spanish, I can’t tell much about what it DOES find…:)

  79. Google needs to add “Does it look like I’m here” to their street view system. People could use it to get satellite images of their own houses to see how successful they are at pretending they’re not home.

  80. Your late night thoughts are so much more interesting than mine.

    I was up late last night thinking about what the best metaphor is for the longevity of string cheese. See, because it’s not food. It’s all chemicals. It lasts forever. You can keep it one in your purse.

    So would you call string the cockroach of cheese? Because they say it’ll outlast all of us? Or is it the twinkie of cheese?

    Ooooh … twinkie … that’s good. I think that’s it.

    String is the twinkie of cheese.

  81. I was SOOO proud when I learned that someone had googled “gotta pee crotch grab ” and made it to my blog. Also “some paint chips went up my nose Ian I gonna b ok?” Now I have validation as a ‘real’ blogger.

  82. My favorites from this week so far:
    “showing a random stranger my boobs”
    “hot glue gun murder”
    “looks like you’re getting that birthday sex after all”
    “sad weiner bubble gum”
    “how to remove witches tits off eyes”
    “large lesbians”
    “I’m probably going to get fired on monday”
    “Jay Leno biggest asshole in hollywood”

    And that’s just since Sunday. I love my blog.

  83. I feel left out and — as usual when hanging out here — not cool or funny. No one finds my blog through weird queries. The top search query for my blog is my name plus the word “blog,” which is how I find my blog when I’ve forgotten its name.

  84. ‘kaikoura what the dickens’ So there’s this upperclass English toff out there who’s escaped from the 1920s and yet still knows how to Google. That’s the real mystery.

  85. I have taken over Kissinger’s original quote status and if you search “the absence of alternatives” mine comes up on top. Because I am trying to stay anon I don’t even share my favorite quote with ppl at work worried that if they decide to google it, they are going to see my blog and decide to check it out.

  86. “I don’t like them. Darryl Hall looks gooood. My diet would he asks to command z the birth control!”

  87. Heehee!
    Two people found my blog searching for “bucket list hippie.”
    Also, someone found it searching for “Picturesofnakedmen.” I feel bad because I actually don’t have any pictures of naked men on my blog and that searcher was probably very disappointed.

  88. Seems like there is a special niche for the search terms! It could be an effective strategy that you stumbled into.

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