Honestly, it’s sort of hard to argue with any of these.

Several people sent me links to this new site that analyzes your past tweets and comes up with what your next tweet will probably be according to your personality and past habits.  I assume the average person gets stuff like “I need coffee” and “Good morning everyone!”  Not me.

Things that “Yes, That Can Be My Next Tweet” predicts I will say in the near future:

“Quick.  Someone get me a replacement cobra.”


“My alligator is worsening.  I need an 11 cent payment for a cave.”


“I never thought I’d like a firey crash so much.”

“No, that taxidermied pig dressed as my special lady is not leaving me.”

“I’m ready to hate me now.”


“I need two perky young priests and three squirrels.  After insurance.”

“There is that shoe again.  I’m worried.  Where’s the bucket?”

“Okay, three words: It’s like, FUCK YOU! YOU’VE CHANGED.”

“I have captained space ships.  Also, this entire day just came out five hours later.  I blame the future.”

“Home from Jesus’ death?”

“I don’t know who owns this own crossbow. Right now we’re cool. ~ But HALF A BLOWJOB?”

“I just made an arm.”

“Home from something stupid.”

“Victor: Why do Pickles look they hate me.”

“Also, Victor’s broken arm casts now endorse unicycling.”

And my personal favorites:

It’s a valid question.

351 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Why does this not surprise me?

    Chelsie recently posted I need a young priest and an old priest And maybe some Ghostbusters.

  2. Huh, mine almost makes sense:
    “I haven’t baked in that you too. Come home by Love it? Tsunami warnings in therapy. It’s sad.”
    Damn therapy tsunamis…

  3. Mine all said the f-word. ALL OF THEM. I *could* stop swearing on the internet, I guess…

  4. Oh wow, I just died laughing reading this one:
    “No, that taxidermied pig dressed as my special lady is not leaving me.”
    I’m scared to see what my next tweets would be.

    Marisa @ I failed math. recently posted The post where the commenters will be the writers.

  5. Can’t wait to try it out… Though I’m afraid for me it will only predict tweets about porn, waffles and public drunkenness.

    Maybe I shouldn’t try it after all.


    Simple Dude recently posted Sprocket Ink- Facebook And You.

  6. LMAO! I tried it and this was my first one. “Word. thanks for me. well in politics. He’s down to give me in a family.” Apparently I’m a little more ghetto then I’d originally thought.

  7. Oh, crap. Now they have a Synthetic Jenny Generator.

    Daniel Roach recently posted How To Automate Twitter Without Being A Social Media Douchebag.

  8. I was right to worry.. this is supposedly my next tweet:

    “Sounds like horses, carpet pissing and you have taken on their phones. Up next time Valerie Bertinelli?”



    Simple Dude recently posted Sprocket Ink- Facebook And You.

  9. Also: You were present at the death of Christ? That explains SO much.

    Chelsie recently posted I need a young priest and an old priest And maybe some Ghostbusters.

  10. “Does it all *cough, me, cough* ; lmao Their service has me LOL’ing… What the kitchen! LMAO! tx.” Im not sure what to think? LMAO.tx

  11. Siobhan is worried that mommy just peed herself laughing… (She promptly peed the floor to initiate some sort of bizarre mother/daughter bonding, I suppose, which is why this comment is delayed…)

    Personal favorites:

    “I don’t know who owns this own crossbow. Right now we’re cool. ~ But HALF A BLOWJOB?”
    “Also, Victor’s broken arm casts now endorse unicycling.”
    “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels. After insurance.”
    “I have captained space ships. Also, this entire day just came out five hours later. I blame the future.”

    Now I have to blame you for this new addiction. Thanks so much. 😛

    Kella recently posted Friends don’t let friends drink and write….

  12. I loved these two of mine:
    Hilarious! I haven’t read the library. Did you like a bartender now? What, a lame hippo.

    But this is my favorite:
    Promises promises. I’m amazed at the nearest cemetery. I could not get free beer.

    Seriously, when did cemeteries stop serving free beer?

    Suzy recently posted Money Makes The World Go Round But Sex Makes It Stop At Your House.

  13. One of mine: “Maybe one that have a douchebag?’ and cocktails and a billion deadly snakes.”
    I didn’t realise I was this weird!

    Michelle recently posted Four Years Ago Today.

  14. The only one that made any sense at all. “Just finished listening to Win a manual. It’s awesome. Definitely fun for fist-bumps!” wOO fist-bumps!

  15. Pure awesome.

    Rachael recently posted A Llama called Panda.

  16. mine’s broken. It just says Loading…. What? What? Am I loading a gun? A pink crossbow? 4 kids into a clown car? Give me an answer damn it!! Jenny your’s are so much cooler. Loading.. sheesh.

    L.A.C.E. recently posted I am Here.

  17. Okay this one was funnier. “Thanks for kicks. True. My sister has one to do as well. I made you to whittle in your DM LOL!”

    Heather recently posted True Blood.

  18. This is not helping me get to bed at a decent hour! Most of them were utter nonsense. Guess I deserved that. There were a few good ones:

    “Yes. My brain is a key.”
    “That would be in To Wong Foo. Not buying it. Let’s see if you’re cool with jello. LOL. I forget!”
    “Also who hired Balthazar Getty. Screaming helps.”
    “But stay tuned b/c that causes anxiety by weirdos. Put away the levels of hate.”
    And my favorite….

    HeathRobots recently posted I Reveal My Friendship with the Honey Badger and Also Become Condescending.

  19. And they all make absolutely perfect sense! That page is a wizard!

    Aileth recently posted Just another crap idea.

  20. I need to man up or shut up. My last real tweet was, “I miss Charlie Sheen.” That was after he quit and before he went bat hat shit crazy nuts and yes, it was meant to be sardonic and facetious. BUt, it just sucked and then it passed out like all the goddesses before it.

    Corndog=complete sentence

    Dotty recently posted Mope On A Rope.

  21. Absolutely hilarious.

    Amanda recently posted Random Statement of the Day.

  22. “Wishing him a reminder to punch everyone in the royal wedding? You want to suffer with me this wizard man!”

  23. Most of my tweet “predictions” made absolutely no sense, but every once in awhile I’d get a funny one:

    Thinking of the worst things about babies is smoking from Mars. : that’s not a jacket. I’m pretty stoked.
    Clearly a ridiculous insurance claim. Screw this, I think I’m deaf! Catching up expenses involved.
    LOL. I wasn’t close enough for him, but I can’t get suckered out online!

    Kay Bee recently posted Manic Monday.

  24. Well, I hate reiterate, but half a blowjob? I mean please.

    Deidre recently posted Sustainability is hard A lesson in maggots - maybe.

  25. I Actually wouldn’t question any of these if you put them up.

  26. I’ve been offline all day and, so. I just heard about it. My first one:

    “Matthew thought you might screw up by a team to be excited, but hoping for me that he might join us.”

    How did they know I’d been drinking?

    Angella recently posted Them.

  27. Wow, this is both cool and frightening. lol. I’m super jealous that yours have good grammar. I did get a few funny ones that almost made sense. Considering that they pulled them from my actual tweets I feel that I need to be committed now. lol

    My top fav is – Okay, I call rough sex.

    & this one was scary

    Aw, I can’t believe me longer than the sheets, she’ll wake up a Brazillion dude, lol I shall read UR ASS.

    Mary recently posted Movie Inspired Fashion- Splash.

  28. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA! good lord! anti stabby after that!

  29. I think you need to tweet one of those out each day. See if anyone notices! 🙂

    Rachael recently posted The Death of Imagination.

  30. “It’s Be Day. Everybody change your kitchen sink just for ol’ Liz Lemon. Oh Jesus.”

    That’s right. It’s Be Day. You know what to do.

    Backpacking Dad recently posted Erin Sets Me Straight.

  31. 31
    Helga Pearson

    My next Tweet – ‘I heart you but her drawings gave me 3 chins!’ Very appropriate I thought

    Helga Pearson recently posted My apron- my apron….

  32. I love how these are all sentences I would expect to read on your blog. Absolutely hysterical!

  33. My god… do I really talk about vomit enough for this to be my next tweet?
    Food + nausea = flying vomit! Swirling skies + Cuddles = flying vomit! Swirling skies + OTHER read?

    Jean C. recently posted To the funny farm Jeeves!.

  34. Haha all those are golden. I bet its a good feeling that you are still able to come up with tweets. I personally, have had tweeter’s block…. I’ve resorted to reusing old tweets like a jackass. Yay! Green tweeting!!!

    Rico Swaff recently posted Did Cavemen Beat Their Wives.

  35. I freaking LOVE that site. I checked it out after Cecily tweeted her result and this is what I got…

    I need to win a HUGE Klutz Books Holiday prize pack Enter to know if it’s ass I saw some really nice ones. — http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet

    Kristin recently posted J is for Jack OLantern.

  36. […] post is totally a rip off of this post,  but hers made me laugh and then caused me to spend way too much time on this site…where I […]

  37. A few favorites of my future tweets:
    I also like a picture of my sinus headache!
    My god won best mom ever!
    Playing a single one zombie hole.
    I’m up, but I can’t AFFORD subsidizing abortion I am excited when I read Jimmy Buffet.
    I had a beautiful sunny day ME TOO! –RT: ME TOO! –RT: ME WANT TO STAB THINGS!

    And the winner, which I believe is entirely replies to @TheBloggess regarding Lawson family trips to the hospital:
    It’s laudanum sweetie. Maybe you should definitely break his other arm. Agreed.

  38. 38

    I thought what the heck and tried it.. I think I about killed my husband with it..

    My personal faves:
    You crack me to scream.. was your old habits and since my day has your old brought homework hoome ok? —
    Eye want a recap from the no neck football jock gu… cont) Makes total sense.. —
    My hubby and play!! ahh.. we are doing an original plot line. All romance or…
    Ok You crack me bonkers.. Y am..lol y dydn’t gyve hym enough of like a quick answer..
    Personal issues with it for Scorpio Nevermind.. I will live.. I can’t deal..
    What a dead night have questions and other paper work Soo I can see your questions and have an email away!

    Too funny and thanks Bloggess for making me laugh!

  39. I totally believe every single one of these could have been written by you.

  40. Now I’m kind of curious what would happen if you actually plug the answers you get into Twitter, and over time only tweet things that the machine spits out. Do you think it would get progressively crazier, or just end up in an infinite loop of the same craziness?

  41. I really can’t argue with them either. Mine are all wordy and incredibly strange.

    “Thankyou. Just reinstall the dog around with both drawn from me the number I’m more info.”
    “I didn’t have her shoulder sublux under my head. Ugh. Just a book. *wanders off with that the contorting.”
    “Poor kid. I made me now. He’s chasing flies with a nice thoughts. Shhhhh.”
    “Yep, scary. She will still be wanting to start seasoning it. And there’s the best place.”

    Frankly, I think this thing is working out what is inside my head before I make it all sensible and coherant.

    Veronica recently posted Guess what All children are different Even ones with autism.

  42. spooky

  43. I don’t even know what to say except:
    “In LA at Casanovas tomorrow I am totally wearing my taste-tester for breastfeeding, as it was $4.”
    I mean, of course I am. Are you really surprised?

  44. My next Tweet:
    Spouse actually said watching Fergie try to say thanks. Annual summer beach for me. Obamaaaaaaaaaa!

    LS recently posted Recuperating and Excitement.

  45. “Your non-suspicious manner is important. It’s never too late for me. I did not! Oh God!”

    It’s like I woke up from a blackout having murdered someone and am now covering it up. WHICH ISN’T THE LEAST BIT TRUE. I’M INNOCENT, DAMN YOU.

  46. I heard caves were really expensive.

    Jax recently posted Monday Fatigue.

  47. You have the best contact for insomniacs. You really need to advertise that.

    I just tried it out. This is what I got:

    Would blow Gilbert Godfried for the blog award. Me: These pants are having twins, HE got married today!

    Twitter is watching Comedy Central Presents marathon tonight. No? Not a labia face thing.

    The one I hear about toes. One time, I didn’t get” the anally violated lady sings.

    And, you read this? F**k Duke. Hot Nerd sex 4 evah. Love, Sarah P OK. I picked sucks, kind of pretty?

    Wocka wocka wocka! I’m blaming the dock of expletives and whiskey are a new way of behind) u. omg.

    That’s also the best tweet Creed should have a cool blog like anal beads & I always reminds me classy.

    Thank you! The black ones are MFEO. I was having a box of Bitchface. How very Renaissance. Ish.

    (I’m done now. That’s really addictive. Thanks.)

    Sarah P recently posted Check it I give it to ya raw butt naked - Wu-Tang Clan.

  48. Nope. I lied. One more:

    Who has two thumbs and hand jobs for research.

    Sarah P recently posted Check it I give it to ya raw butt naked - Wu-Tang Clan.

  49. I MUST try this! *grins*

    Lianne Marie Binks recently posted Sick and tired.

  50. That is super sweet.

  51. I can’t make sense of any of mine. The grammar of this thing is TERRIBLE.

    Also, it would seem to indicate I talk way too much about The Aussie. Damn, can’t fuckin’ help myself. Kinda in love.

    And also tacos. I talk too much about The Aussie and tacos. I am not sure what that means.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Monotone.

  52. my best one so far: “In the real world. Owww. Waauuw.”

  53. And yet, despite the bad grammar it was a little addictive. And then I got this one:

    The search terms is COFFEE So you think I sat excitedly waiting for Valium. Or you mean?

    And that’s kind of awesome because if someone were bringing it by I would TOTALLY wait excitedly for valium. I mean, really. Who *wouldn’t* wait excitedly for valium???

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Monotone.

  54. Ummm… and this one. Grammar is still terrible but this one sounds a little dirty. So I like it. Naturally.

    By the city! YAY! W/ an adventure What is my right now. Much moist heat. Now it’s hard.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Monotone.

  55. Hee! This is fun! I’m surprised all of my potential tweets don’t involve bacon:

    “How ’bout some bacon with hope, doesn’t mean only one of Two Aint Bad. People, people, people.”

    Kathy recently posted Windy Turns Three!.

  56. I got:

    “I was just found out the love watching vaccuum cleaner infomercials. There’s an ant.”

    True story, actually.

    “I want to pretend that I love of kids in order? I made my girlfriend into a Sean Combs song in the beer?”

    Right. I wish.

    moooooog35 recently posted In Space- No One Can Hear You Pee.

  57. I also found this one for my next Tweet:

    “Obama’s 2012 Presidential Campaign slogan is: It has. It takes my head? There’s going on.”

    Wow. Obama is really losing his shit.

    moooooog35 recently posted In Space- No One Can Hear You Pee.

  58. Priests and squirrels after insurance makes me wonder what taxidermied masterpiece is being created with them.

    mrtl recently posted This Brain is My Brain.

  59. Wow. The only one of mine that even remotely made enough sense that I’d consider posting it was, “To the birdbath.” *sigh* I think this means my tweets are drivel. I’m depressed.

  60. My *future* tweets make me sound like yoda…funny as Jenny wish I was. 🙂

  61. Why does this corndog? Because the pickles look like they hate you. Also? That taxidermied pig is MY special lady, the cheatin’ slut!

    hoodyhoo recently posted Put That BACK!.

  62. Am I excited or am I excited? This site sounds awesome. Can’t wait to go play with it! Thanks for the heads up! You might also love Texts from Last night if you like this sort of stuff!

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which you don’t care.

  63. That thing makes me feel like my tweets were translated into broken english.

    Beckles recently posted Im Still Here.

  64. Mine makes no sense at all
    “Just posted a Gopal visit! or something? I’m going to be a photo Just posted a default view for a dickbag?”

    Barbara recently posted So True.

  65. “Nah, they will most surely tie it up a wedding dress. You really like giant hamster nuts.”

    “The Emperor of tea. Heehee! I just rubbed my friend. 2 eggs scrambled with a couple cute dresses.”

    “Heehee! I will commence knocking that my favorite bloggers has lost its fucking mind.”

    That second one *could* be true. Just sayin’.

  66. I mean the last one *could* be true. Also, I can’t count.

    jane recently posted Music Monday- another quick lesson.

  67. “I just made an arm.”
    I think the internet just predicted, not only future tweets but also a solution to the $2300 antibiotic issue.

    Libby recently posted Youre Me Except in the Ways That You Are Not.

  68. I’ve got to tell you, if you just posted these on your Twitter I would not blink an eye. They are completely new.

    Penbleth recently posted Up again- down again- jiggity jig.

  69. Mine were mostly gibberish, which is pretty much on target. The best ones:

    “Bill Murray! Or you get out together, I hope it’s time to Come Sail Away by several, do without me”
    “I’m giving away a girl who brings me swoon. Oh no! : You get DVR, and sausage are great, too!”
    “I am ready to hold is in front of clogs: I might have a fine choice. Bill Murray! Or you then!”
    “As long as a fine choice. Bill Murray! Or Prince! I read it. Bad storms at the next two hours!”

    I didn’t realize I talked so much about Bill Murray.

    Nichole recently posted “The miracle of incantation” or- Why I’m making the kids memorize poems.

  70. “Happy birthday messages! Still wearing my ear. I guess this year. Ow, the hat, wig and now eat whatever I?”
    The crazy internet magic speaks the truth: I *am* still wearing my ear.

    Sarah recently posted Sleepy babes.

  71. AWESOME! You’ll never have to compose your own tweets again! Your day has just become that more efficient!

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Vanity Band-Aids Are The New Black.

  72. One of mine was “Am I like eating an extra poo-chute?”

    I think I just blew your “Am I really here” existential Google search question out of the water.

    Also? Who has an *extra* poo-chute?
    Also? Now I kinda need to know the answer to this question.

  73. […] thanks to The Bloggess for her earlier post for informing me about how much time I can save during the day by simply generating tweets and then […]

  74. Jesus Christ, even the auto-generated Tweets you’re supposedly going to make in the future are funnier than the auto-generated Tweets I’m supposedly going to make in the future. In fact, not only are mine not funny, but they don’t make a fucking lick of sense.

    “.@HowardStern joined Twitter ID, but I see through your birthday too? I hate when he means Daddy.”

    “Allow me to each other on here: Which, now that Google search for the muddy little face.”

    “Sucky: I wish I can’t believe I hate it like to be on local drive from ceiling. Too bad enough lately.”

    I really should retire.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted My wife insists that I keep blogging Basically- whatever happens from here on in is her fault- is what I’m saying.

  75. One of mine:

    “He talks when their pee is so SOFT. The cutesy boy in the 70’s, 80’s & not eat them first, not kill.”

    Don’t worry. I didn’t eat or kill any boys in the 70s or 80s.

    Stacey recently posted The one about nothing.

  76. I tried to do this with my twitter account and for some reason it wasn’t working. I figured it was a sign that mine wouldn’t be very interesting and should look at more of what yours could be. Here is the first one that came up:

    I can’t even be my hamster & WISH MY MOM A BLOWJOB?

    I’m pretty sure you are the best twitterer EVER.

  77. 77

    “Lightning strike on the wonderful people that claim I’ve never had a DIFFERENCE. GRR.”

    Evidently I’m going to go all Zeus on people. On the *wonderful* people. And I have *so* had a DIFFERENCE.


  78. 78


    “I see fun celestial events because I’m not Gatoroid? Oh dear.”

    Oh dear, indeed.

  79. Some choice ones for me:

    Hey hairdresser friends: my legs. It has a popcorn ball. Squee! Went and it goes everywhere sour cream.
    It doesn’t have never once thought that is pwned… By me! Hope things really like mine!
    SWEET! That’s a picture and this will believe it and paper goods. 😀 Having a dear friend, grocery!
    HAY GUYZ Thanks Erin for a very long battle. Meds, vitamins and Phoebe! Hooray for a job, come by from !

    Jennifer F. recently posted They say its your birthday- its my birthday too- yeah! -D.

  80. You totally need a replacement cobra. I mean… what happened to the last one?

  81. This is an epic time waster. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for introducing me to it.

    “Long strange night. I keep talking to be hoping, for the song Dooby Dooby Moo.”

    Gen recently posted I Did Not Get Stabbed at the Let’s Panic Book Reading!.

  82. It’s like it’s actually reading your mind. Cool, and scary.

    Steph recently posted I May Be Vain but Im Also Not Very Smart So it Evens Itself Out in the Long Run.

  83. 83

    One more from my twitter feed, then I swear I’m done:

    “FYI: I think James Garfield told me bring him a house without TV constantly on. THANK YOU.”

    You heard the boar, Jenny. Turn off that TV, or he’s leaving you.

  84. Alright mine makes NO sense. So apparently I tweet a lot of non-sense? Maybe..

    “Agree. Also caramels. Not True – Happy birthday! Hope you guys.. I I had those cereals whenever I keep?”

    Alison recently posted First pedicure!.

  85. I didn’t know they could write a program to read your mind…

    a recently posted Lets talk about happier things.

  86. Mine:
    “You offended a white chocolate key lime bar. Good lord. Who’s got up to make sure the stupid lawsuit.”

    Apparently desserts are suing me now. Guess that means I need to go on a diet. Twitter says I’m fat.

  87. Why do you always make me want corndogs, Jenny? WHY!?! *sobs uncontrollably*

    Elly Lou recently posted Give Me An Orange Perm and Call Me Annie.

  88. “Um, I put the problem with my living room: It’s Bounce-Thirty! Horrible smell in to look at a lunch box?”

    “I was the room. My mom owns a baby! On a mini fridge doesn’t run on a bit concerned.”

    “It’s like the skills test for whipped cream. I had hoped… : Ari: No! I wonder if you did that.”

    “I can’t buy some of my living room: It’s like pee. Sheets are unhelpful in Starbucks right there!”


    Amber recently posted Maybe she likes wearing shoes made out of coconut That’s a thing now- you know.

  89. 89
    Angie McKaig

    My coworkers think I’m nuts for crying/giggling and my nose is not happy for drinking tea but this one:

    “I have captained space ships. Also, this entire day just came out five hours later. I blame the future.”

    Seriously, funniest thing I have read all week.

  90. I am completely with you on the two perky young priests and three squirrels but I don’t think they sell insurance that’s going to cover you there.

  91. I love it! Here are some of mine:
    This website is Indiana after all. Mind-controlling chemicals = 1st step to talk about trying the day!
    The dead arm was worried when you might be somewhere in Lafayette? I wish someone while fighting off!
    Black bean burger topped with my tea all day. He may not like my disguise.
    A haiku resurgence in Daniel Radcliff! He’ll be somewhere in areas of loving this storm actually.
    View from a yellow umbrella. Actually early. I wear glasses. And one will know this…
    It is going to 80 once then 60s, then back down to hit me. Or medicate me.

  92. Honestly, even without the twitter-predictor explanation, nothing in this post would have surprised me…except maybe how much sense it makes. Which is possibly more of a reflection of my current sanity level.

    On a related note, it’s really hard to type while eating a pancake wrapped breakfast sausage on a stick. Who knew?

    Nom nom nom nom….

  93. That is freakin’ awesome!!! How did a website out bloggess The Bloggess??? Amazing!

    Oh, Jenny, I just love you, you so know how to make my brain release seratonin… : ) : )

  94. This was mine…all I can say is wow…
    He is it? Loved ur uterus. Me: never see it all year..hahaha. For some ice on board but where he has CAKE.

  95. This definitely sounds like me, they are so right: “I know what’s fun? Morphine.” I would totally say that.

    Kendahl recently posted Handmade Mondays - feather earrings.

  96. I don’t Tweet, because no one really wants to hear me talk about my pets and kids that much, but those tweets for you all sound about right to me. It’s like they are MIND READERS.

    Johi recently posted Red Dog.

  97. I can’t find the FOLLOW button on your blog. I know this is ‘blonde’ but I can’t 🙁 Help please, cos I want to follow you x

    nicole recently posted Into the Truth.

  98. My first one was this:

    “Hunger. I think is absolutely BRILLIANT. I’d feel better about sniffing dildos. Oooo are you?? 😀 Hi!”

    a) Yeah
    b) I’m obviously (and can only) blame you
    c) My head hurts from laughing
    d) My work here is done.

    Jay recently posted The Gallery – Tomorrow.

  99. HAHAH! I am totally doing this for the next hour. love.

    Amy recently posted Rainy Wednesday.

  100. “Lol, happy to balance again. my squicked out side thanks you:p I’ve given thought to change a scooch over?”

    “Also? Why is a brownie.”

    “yeah. I haz things TO DO YOU KNOW you point me that is a good start: My niece is paid!”

    I have to go now. I haz things TO DO YOU KNOW. And stop pointing me, dammit, you’re messing with my balance!

    thepsychobabble recently posted 30 Days of Truth-Day 19-Religion and-or Politics.

  101. First up – apparently some post-apocalyptic Mad Maxine action:
    “There’s just barely people. Nothing is going to be fun, but plotting revenge should always feel good.”

    Second – I’m exicted!

    Finally, a comment on my social standing:
    “Kitchen Fairy with ANYONE! NIghty-nite! I always get pretty good spots. I’m not cool now.”

    And how they know about the Kitchen Fairy position is a mystery because I’ve only done that with people I trust. Or can effectively threaten.

    Jami recently posted Sharing is caring.

  102. This is insane. And somewhat pointless “My already getting lyrics wrong, and THE INTERNET demand sexy woman jumps out is a facebook page for?”

    John B recently posted What a friend we have in TJ.

  103. This is what it predicted for me:

    “I shall foil your evil plot with a duck in the NHL all-stars skills competition!”


    “So far 76 people have taken pictures of your medical issue.”

    April recently posted An Obligatory Blog Post….

  104. I can’t really argue with mine either. I’d tweet these but people would call my Sweet Babou worried that I had a stroke or finally found his meth lab.

    WOOT!! I am twitching and ranting. New Fokker Up: Crouching titties, hidden skinfolds.
    New Fokker up: Why yes! I think fat patients aren’t real” people can suck my asshat.
    The FDA and baboon bottoms. New Fokker up: More surgery??? Shitty McShit, Mayor of the redneck version of.

    Betty Fokker recently posted My 6 yr old daughter wants to menstruate.

  105. What a hilarious site!

    “Great. Now I want to Lady Gaga = slumber party? Ultimate Air Jaws, hell yeah!”

  106. The last one I got was, ‘In case you a cowboy, and now Im doing a handbasket wearing a stranger.’ I don’t know if I should be insulted because it’s saying I’m promiscuous or if I should be happy that it knows me so well.

    Daniel Devereux recently posted Fan fiction and Flan.

  107. I would like a modified version of that program to predict what I will yell at the TV next.
    It should automatically turn off when Andy Rooney comes on, though, much like Andy Rooney himself does.

  108. Here are mine:
    Sometimes I know everything better! My husband: the house, and movies…Perfection!
    Shhh! We can combat all expenses paid vacation? A clone? A DEATH RAY! It’s time spent with an invitation.
    This leads me to believe that I need to be more cognizant of my twittering…

    Sarah recently posted The Garden Project.

  109. It’s a sickness:

    “I need to enjoy simply, to do it with THAT hair…. This is when you lack.”


    Renee recently posted Jail for Canollis Maybe it won’t be that bad….

  110. Dressing your taxidermied pig as your special lady must be a southern thing. We do that, too, here in Alabama. LOVE IT! (that tweet, not the actual anthropomorphic lady pig)

    dee recently posted How come you don’t post.

  111. “Quick. Someone get me a replacement cobra.” – Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone’s said that to me. What do I look like, the “replacement cobra” guy? No. I don’t. I keep a few spares around for personal use, but that’s it. Plus I have a prescription.

    Pete recently posted Snow Joke.

  112. No surprise that the site generated tweets for you that are inherently funny. You always crack me up. (I especially enjoyed “Home from something stupid.”)

    I tried the site for about five minutes but came up with mostly nonsense. The best were:

    “Hey Snow White, you are making Mediterranean pasta tonight. Thanks.” (Kinda bossy)

    “Today, Zombieland Happiness – Snakes on 610 Loop.” (Could be cool)

    “Headed to camp with homophobes. You’ll hit the zoo today.” (Fun for you. For me…not so much.)

    “God, please grant me a Christina Aguilera video.” (Yes, I’m gay, but I’ve only mentioned Christina Aguilera once, geez…)

    The Queer Next Door recently posted The Onions Are Watching the Kings on Pluto!.

  113. Okay, so I have come to the conclusion that my children have indeed sucked out my brain. Slight alteration to my name on twitter. Forgot about that. oops. Here’s one of my faves.

    “Wonder what a little pukey, but is attached to hold me to The Naked Lemur and you don’t know who cares.”

    Something about that Naked Lemur.

    L.A.C.E. recently posted I am Here.

  114. My personal favorite:

    “Any updates from court today? If so, are u using Vidal Sassoon Extra Volume. It’s distracting.”

  115. Yours are so much more sensical than mine. I got, “Saturday fancy dinner date night is not share your enthusiasm for 25 years and wasn’t aware that they do?” and “Ever since I have got your enthusiasm for the best thing ever. I do not optional. Please sign and beer.” The last one does kind of sound like me, though.

  116. Those are just a little bit brilliant.

    Dangerboy recently posted Scotchy Scotch- vol 7.

  117. Oh man, I’m peeing myself these are so flippin’ awesome.

    Here’s my next tweet:

    Oh hellz yeah. Thanks for sick people. Me: Don’t touch me. Awesome arm work out how Bruce Lee died of?

    (But I would never end a tweet in a preposition.)

    Here’s another:

    Flooding crisis handled. Lesson learned: Saying, Don’t touch me. I make her wig shopping.

    K, this and then I’m done:

    I pulled a rock out! Yesterday I got yet another mouse in State College, Pa.

  118. Oh shoot! Just gave away my extra cobra. Sorry.

    Lunasea recently posted A Takes a Stand.

  119. I win:

    “Must plan trip to pee at Pet Smart. Huckabee? I’m tempted to the cable still doing that?!?”

    Maria Louise recently posted mlouprice- @thedailybeast Your post about Gwyneth P was petty Men who attempt a lot of different ventures dont receive this treatment.

  120. I tweet bits and my own veal!! Vegan pizza? is a fucking bird. It’s okay.

    It’s classic literature.

  121. “YES! That’s hot! Has anyone I’m sorry to dealing with her down the Batcave?”

    … My next tweet makes me sound very interesting, no? Very hot! LOL!

    (I think I’ve said, “That’s hot” once on twitter.)

    Brenna recently posted The more you know 3- lucky me.

  122. Ann, I think I love you based only on your next tweet: “Ever since I have got your enthusiasm for the best thing ever. I do not optional. Please sign and beer.”

    I do not optional either. Not at all.

    Brenna recently posted The more you know 3- lucky me.

  123. ““My alligator is worsening. I need an 11 cent payment for a cave.”” ahhahahaha!!! 11 cents. We’ll all chip in, k?

    Gurukarm (@karma_musings) recently posted Your Next Great Read.

  124. None of this surprises me in the least bit… all sound eerily like something you would post anyways…

    Carmen recently posted Happy Tuesday- now get out of my fucking way.

  125. I’m just kind of surprised that you haven’t said any of this in the past.

    Jennifer recently posted The Center.

  126. “My baby girl didn’t have access to the Heart of all the hell, Disney Channel? Why not?”
    (I’ve always said that Disney Channel was the root of all evil.)

    “I always ask for a nursing home…you don’t throw either cat, asst’d toys, stab w/knitting needles, use.”
    (I fully expect to be a crazy lady in a nursing home, launching my pets, toys & attempting to stab people…)

    “Wait, you still looks funny. Please vote for an anxiety disorder, and Jesus and being sarcastic, b/c Max”
    (Well, OF COURSE, b/c Max, Duh.)

    “Hubs is the apocalypse. Oh wait…crap, it’s ON! It’s the Pooh Wall Art!”
    (I have never liked Pooh. I was not aware that Hubs was the apocalypse, however.)

    Wicked SteppMom recently posted Closer to the Heart- Pt 2- Pictures.

  127. 127

    Thanks for ruining my productivity for the day.

    My favorite so far: “I officially have much of my left boob. Just almost as everyone else, but your song as important.”

  128. Even though this is totally irrelevant, I ran your blog through an AI analysis (http://urlai.com/) to determine something about it:

    “thebloggess.com is probably written by a female somewhere between 66-100 years old. The writing style is personal and upset most of the time.”

    It said almost the exact same thing about my blog too!

    Tom recently posted Reason Number 37.

  129. I like to make some ducks look for shrooms with a new projects – pies, mmmmm!
    hahahahaha! i’d like to look for ducks on some shrooms…

    craftytammie recently posted garage sale season!!!.

  130. I need a shirt from Zazzle that says “Okay, three words: It’s like, FUCK YOU! YOU’VE CHANGED.” So few words, so much sense. That pretty much sums up the last 15 years.

  131. 375AD. Julian last ruler of signing paperwork.

    Steroids don’t make lousy emperors. So I’m in heaven. Happy Bastille Day! CNN reports that you are 6-0.

    China is 100% on Twitter.

    Paris 1911 – Still no sign of the end? Florence 1503 – 1,500 miles.

    Stephen Fry has fifth disease.

    Mikey has a naked woman on the books I can get through. Merriam-Webster says that McGwire CHEATED!

    Merriam-Webster says that you never fear that raccoon poop is going to resign.

    My nephew’s wedding is off? Deputy Minister of snow and doesn’t seem interested.

    Back from amazon would buy through a window in France after 2 weeks to college.

    Tom recently posted Reason Number 37.

  132. When will you be home from the crucifixion? You are like Gore Vidal covering it Live From Golgatha.

    Kelly Duffy recently posted Raw.

  133. Oh my god. Awesome…….. I’m off to try it, but I doubt I’ll get any awesomeness like you did…

    Kelly recently posted Weekend Rewind.

  134. Ummm… Holy crap. I just got this one:
    “Definitely not overreacting… Whatever it is: Rape happens for tears…”

    Really hard to argue with that one…………. hahahahaha

    Kelly recently posted Weekend Rewind.

  135. Its like a twitter fortune cookie gone fantastically awry! here is mine:

    “New ways to you deserve to Help Sick Child, while Chefs Symon and simianidiot.tumblr.com!”

    Here’s the loss, but am so fun.

    OH Hells Bells, a good kettlebell workout, rather than Texas newspapers. even People”.

    Mighty And now the World? New post: Say What? Celebs say that is Able”; Trouble Typical Shark Fan-.

    LA Juice recently posted The Wisdom that is Knowledge- Moving Day Edition.

  136. It didn’t work for me. Twitter has no idea what I’m gonna say next. I’m like a loaded gun, baby. I could go off at any time. I’m like a volcano ready to spew nonsense all over the face of the internet. I’m an ill-timed money shot.

    Also, I am honored to have been your comment of the day yesterday. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the best thing to happen to me all week.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Dance Like No One Is Watching- Then Go Fuck Yourself.

  137. Brilliant! I will certainly be stealing that link for my own blog post!

    Holy City Sinner recently posted Straight Outta Compton.

  138. That website clearly thinks I’m illiterate. The closest I got to something that made sense was actually really disturbing (see below), and they all seemed to involve my butt in some way, which I should probably discuss with my therapist:

    At Tin House gouging new core into my bag of quantum entanglement? Just read this into a floppy anus.

    My favorite part is that the quantum entaglement is a question. And, personally, I’d prefer that floppy and anus not ever be positioned so closely together, but maybe that’s just me.

  139. all are highly acceptable and oddly probable potential tweets for you jenny. obviously, ‘yes that can be my next tweet’ wins the internet.

    steph gas recently posted i hate packing i hate moving.

  140. Laughing. No, wait. It’s this:

    My favorite thing is vagina friday with Jennifer Egan: TWEETUP! 30 SEXY MEMOIRISTS eating together in.

    This might be the best thing that’s happened to me all year.

    Shanna recently posted Fametastic.

  141. “an emergent situation. i obviously have weiner underneath my location and won’t tempt you…”

    apparently when there is too much dick around i get nervous.

    i mean, who ISN’T tempted by me and my weiners?


  142. Woah, LA Juice, it predicts you will talk about me? I need to follow you on twitter so I can help deserving sick children get a good Texas workout, yeah?

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Dance Like No One Is Watching- Then Go Fuck Yourself.

  143. […] Tip to The Bloggess whose predicted tweets were close enough to reality as to be […]

  144. I NEED to know you personally before I die.

  145. “Sept. 25th is for a sense of panic they removed her tattoo? Man Steals Ambulance, Alcohol May Have No!”

    Oh, there goes the entire rest of my day! And possibly tomorrow!

    And yours are a riot! Of course.

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted I Warned You.

  146. So sorry, but I had to share this one too!

    “I can bedazzle your comment! Well played Morgan Freeman. Well played. Blog Post: Duh.”

    *sigh* I’m going to go try to stop giggling now!

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted I Warned You.

  147. Loves him tomorrow. Either way I totally had an awesome sex dream without sour mix

    Luff It

    knows not what I do.. recently posted Sedation Dentistry- what a Thriller….

  148. Oooh, here’s mine:

    The Web Means the Cat Eats Monsters | Psychology Today Because You Need to be happy – bravo!


    Katal recently posted There’s Danger in Black and White.

  149. Completely brilliant.
    Sinickering at mine: “Not sure anyone is beautiful, but selecting gifts, not always pleasant. Managed to just picked a winner?”
    But yours are spot-on hilarious. “No, that taxidermied pig dressed as my special lady is not leaving me.” OMG!!!

    Queen Mahin recently posted I Have Bi-racial Hair.

  150. You can totally out-weird this mechanism. Why outsource when you have the resources in house?

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Cling On- Cats Not to be confused with Klingon Cats.

  151. is it just me or is this proof that the internet doesn’t need us anymore? We don’t even have to write funny tweets, twitter is self sustaining.

    Tova recently posted Gwyneth might be on to something.

  152. this was my first one:

    “Who from me. IDOLATER! Your recipe for a fan! Those statements by how she realized she was with the hump.”

    this makes sense -_-

    Naturally Alise recently posted this makes sense… 1.

  153. Meh.
    Stop coasting.

    If I Were God... recently posted Bringin the family to war.

  154. I’ve got to hear the story about the perky young priests and the squirrels. Quick, think something up.

    Laurie recently posted Kit.

  155. Ok, I’m sure that everyone is doing this – but after hitting “next tweet” about 50 times I got this. –
    “Ali A courier just called me to kick BFF’s ass. I have negative money. I live in spiders.”

    I fucking hate spiders

    Kerrie recently posted Thanks For The Concern.

  156. “The cast is not too hot, because then we CAN eat fondue then we SHOULD eat fondue.”


    Jillian recently posted The Easter Alligator.

  157. This makes me wish I had a Twitter. Or maybe it makes me glad that I don’t. Hmmm… It’s definitely one of those.

    Toni recently posted Vegas Vacation.

  158. Ah, this will keep me entertained for the rest of the day…my suggestion was: I have a fire warden…..DON’T BE IN A FILING CABINET AND BE IN LOTS OF PAIN horrible horrible horrible!

  159. OK one more and then I’ll stop: I need to see you AND BE IN LOTS OF POPCORN I cannot WAIT to be pleased.

    Cory recently posted I want some floppy shoes….

  160. Here are some of my favorites:

    Fairy Tales: New Tattoo Go read my life is actually you killed a Culinary student and goodness had stayed!

    What was his older brother building another brothel!? 😀 What did you must find the new season?

    Okay…so FIRST I cook a TECHBABBLE? And what is for being pro-gay or Faked! *what is a techbabble? I dont ever remember tweeting about techbabble!*

    XD the witch *singsong voice* Can’t wait for Thursdays! Can’t WAIT for soup in me!

    And you’ll find the little people can I think AT LEAST Syfy should hire me! Sommeli Pirates YAY HAZAA!

    What was going to go away! Oh Frack. Well stay safe! The Dude would LOVE a link on tweet 666.

    And my two favorite:

    Actually you are awsome, so sorry I meant a Philly Cheese stake! YUM! Exactly!!!

    Chooseing a tattoo for the site!!! :- Why is ? Federal Employees who ran over Palin ANY day.

    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales- New Tattoo.

  161. I had to try it out.

    And now, for my next tweet, I will sound like a snotty, pompous bitch: “Thank you for the creative genius that is answering questions 4 me. It’s not a suggestion.”

    And heeeeere’s crazy: “I’m not spinning. We’ll see my hair cut & it means something….. : Poor Finny is peanuts compared to.”

    I’m not even sure where to go from here: “Girl after one at 4:30…the dogs are your perceived mental suffering. The Pain Olympics do the lights!”

  162. 162

    The only one of mine to make (partial) sense so far:

    Burleson, South of time before I can’t believe my house will be ok with cake I be driving down to take.

    I think this might work better for someone who has tweeted more…

  163. Those are pretty hilarious!!

    All of mine revolved around wine, girl scout cookies, penis and Japan.

    Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) recently posted Support Japan! It’s Good For Japan and For Your Heart.

  164. 164
    Undue Muser

    I’m sorry, but this is what popped into my head when I read the corndog statement:

    http://twitpic.com/4kfwtk (totally safe for work).

  165. All of those tweets seem legit to me. Especially if you are wondering about your husband and the corn dog in the freezer.

  166. Tell me you can translate, because holy banana’s (yes, they’ve been canonized or some shit) I have NO IDEA what this means and yet I fear it is profound:

    “AKA Will Kick Ass and yarn bowl after a stupid phone. But I did you have approved of!”

  167. I should have waited for the next one… it makes a lot more sense!

    “I’m at work too. what ever been assembled and show off the bathroom on tequila…”

    cursingmama recently posted Bookity - Linkity.

  168. Hate to say it, but I could totally see you tweeting all of those! LOVE IT!

  169. I think I’m going to have some fun with this….

    My latest tweet: “Wandering aimlessly around the new guy. Jealousy. I always get results in Walmart. Lol.”

  170. OMG I can’t wait to see you post them! And the context in which you make it work!

    Crystal recently posted Ken &amp Karen.

  171. How do y’all find these sites?!?!?!?

    Dana recently posted I Tell Ya- Ten Year Old Boys Can Just Be So Yucky.

  172. I would totally expect you to tweet any of those statements and you know we would accept them without question. Thus is the power of the bloggess.

    June with a Cleaver recently posted How Guilt Can Make You A Better PersonOr A Really Bitter Person.

  173. Apparently, my next tweets will be:

    “I AM EXCITED TO SEE YOU. Although some goddamn lipgloss, for me. 2! Door number three: sharktopus. BAM.”

    “It is beautiful, until you are you : Just helped make the poor man’s Xbox.”

    “Uhh thanks? : Blogging about it, is done. I want a strange man? Do women actually surreal. maayyyybbbeee.”

    “I don’t have to start dating again. Part of time, dimension and I’m there friday!”

    I don’t even know. I DON’T EVEN KNOW. (Caplocks improves everything.)

  174. You’re were a lot more coherent than mine… and spot on I may add. I could see you tweeting a number of those.

    Check out mine http://bit.ly/g5D4eN


  175. So, why DOES this corndog, anyway? I’ve been asking myself that for years.

    Council of One recently posted The future is wind-powered- sort of.

  176. I don’t even know how I got this.

    Aw! Hope he’s okay! Thanks for paying £7.34 for my hair. Please take the Consultant I pass! eeek!!

    One thing I do know. I use far too many exclamation marks. It’s not possible for anyone to be that excited.

    Lisa Harries recently posted Careful- my crazy appears to be contagious.

  177. These are so spot on! But they remind me of another famous tweeter….who am I thinking of…aha! Charlie Sheen! Clearly, you two are related or are secret lovers. When you are not doing porn. Bc you know he only likes porn stars. Which begs the question, how come I can find any of your porn on the net???

  178. Okay, I’ve only been tweeting for about five minutes, but everyone else seemed to be having so much fun with this I had to check it out:
    “Dammit. I still don’t know who can get any work from that damn gay. I bet he’ll forget all the dog.”
    Great. Twitter thinks I’m a homophobe. And apparently I say “dammit” way too much, because it assumes that EVERY tweet will include cursing.


  179. For a while it thought I was Yoda, then gave me this gem: “Mum, you don’t mix. Beware the background, 2 shots before bed. Could be now. I’m sad. Love Helen.”

    ClumberKim recently posted Make It So.

  180. As always, laughing my ass off.

  181. All of these make sense to me. This is your current timeline, right?

    Generated for me: “I need mango drinks twat nugget”

    That’s not true at all. I made it up, but I’m going to tweet it right now.

  182. Apparently I don’t know English, because mine all include made-up words. Such as:
    “And now hear phantom babies are cheap for a batlentoo! Little guy’s favorite boys, some cocoa…”

    Unless I’m the only idiot in the room that doesn’t know what a “batlentoo” is.

  183. “I love technology, but I don’t corrupt it was on the Burger King drive-thru after two weeks.”
    “Not! Have one anyway. Victoria’s Secret in the final. Well that’s a REALLY good news is, I’m definately?”
    “I’m definately in 10+ years stuck in the rain.”
    Nope. This is definitely not working for me. I don’t think my grammar is nearly this bad, nor do I go through Burger King drive-thrus often enough to corrupt them. My spelling IS that bad, so I’ll give props for that. They also had one about homework. I don’t do homework, not anymore at least.

    “Anyone have Arabian Nights and rest. <- drinks with hats. Note to read the cats are the inside of us!”
    I don’t know what to do with that.

  184. Mine said: “Hello gorgeous guys!!! If you are absolutely fucking McGyver of Oscars. Country living is calling.”
    Hmmmm. You call yourself the McGyver of Housewives ONE fucking time and it follows you forever.

  185. I actually thought some of those sound like things you might write! I’m afraid to try it myself.

  186. I miss flip flops.. I already feel like to start thinking happy thoughts about Cher what kind of breast!

    Beckles recently posted Im Still Here.

  187. I may have wet myself a little over mine:

    No dog carcasses in the washing machine with Liam. OMG L says Mommy… I just not drunk, but it’s a.

    Abbie recently posted The Saddest of Sad Days.

  188. Um. WEIRD. Who eats a Santa outfit? Clearly you put it on the cat. “I can be fine if I ate a Santa outfit, but it was tasty. Did you need a picture of Caramel Delites?”

  189. I guess my son needs to explain his washing *and* drinking habits…

    Abbie recently posted The Saddest of Sad Days.

  190. A few of my favorites:
    Shorts and helmets and watching Antiques Roadshow and giggling. There were too many children at Hooters.
    I think I am I. I am formally announcing my grandma and corn bread taste like formaldehyde.
    Eating a blanket. Welcome to go back to regret it. Oh boy oh boy.
    I lost my life. Wine or so bad in 50 years. Onion rings dipped in the rest of my iPod.

  191. “BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BITCHWAFFLE! shut your face there’s a tweet about how you might not grow up.”
    my twitter is so angry.

    Rachel Lee recently posted Indivisible and Indestructible.

  192. Mine is somewhat disturbing but technically grammatically correct.
    “Shaved my netflix plan, and we’re making curtains. Woot. . I am not at another restaurant again.”

  193. I’m laughing so hard I’m worried that someone in the office next door will be checking in on me soon.

    “This author’s book kind of Dixie cups LOL Yay! is sad today. Again. Didn’t we get her diploma on Twitter?”

    Well, yes, the secret’s out. We got her diploma on Twitter.

  194. Love this! here is mine….

    Be a bathroom airport… Past security? okThis is super hilarious, and *work* And dangerous! WAY!

    Now I know I am crazy!

    squish recently posted Change will do you good!.

  195. Too many people found out about these tweet generators before me. I kept reading and re-reading tweets trying to figure out what the hell people were trying to say. It was quite a waste of my time trying to make jibberish make some sort of sense. I’m gonna sue for my time back.

    Jacqui recently posted When Sock Monkeys Speak…People Listen.

  196. My future tweet reads: “And, the tobacco-spitting cowboy is fun. – Let’s plan an insane fan of cheese. Squeeze!” OMG! Hysterical.

    Wildcatter's Wife recently posted Moving Beyond the Kitchen- Isn’t One Screwdriver Enough.

  197. The first couple made perfect sense to me:
    “Some keyword in my response. Hmph. I’m down with soy/fermented garlic compound butter?”
    “Exceedingly envious of waves?”

    But then it got much more surreal:
    “You have my old and Soylent Green. I had to Charlie Horse. That’s awesome.”
    “I’m pimping marble cake from Craigslist meet you could accurately describe my reply, right?”
    “You just sympathize. Insomnia is cute. And zebras. What I’m sitting right now. I hope they do.”

    A bit of LOLcat:
    “Of course they pass quickly. Can I ‘accidentally’ deleted ImportantFile.”

    And then it just got creepy.
    “The Dead and grief counseling will be laughing or sympathizing? Dude. There are actually people who is.”
    “Whether it’s in backyard barrel I think they clearly tag ’em. Two possibilities for a foster.”

    I could just keep clicking that button like a hungry lab rat. One last food pellet:
    “Righteous. competing at the books. It’s nearly 95% the Pompatus and the auction! Thank you leave.”


  198. Totally not surprised mine includes a vaguely religious reference to coffee:

    “My coffee i didn’t kill anyone. My house for a guy was my pillow or 9 hours.”

    And I am proud there is one including the phrase “roundhouse kick”:

    “Another set of them. We’re in the last night! He just going to the next week, staying a roundhouse kick.”

    meghann @ midgetinvasion recently posted This Past Week- in Haiku.

  199. Lots of eat-athon?! Hair today, gone tomorrow. Lots of eat-athon?!

    The hair thingy I kind of get. But eat-athon – twice?! And lots of it it?!

    Oh, I guess I do use ?! a lot.

    Angela’s last blog:

    Angela recently posted Cooling Down Body Heat.

  200. “Today is a required purchase when we don’t feel so naughty when we don’t know.”

    “I can enter, as long as they would work on my 5 Best Books….about surviving the Roots on Saturday!”

    Pretty much, most of mine made it seem like I like to be around teens a little too much. TEENS ONLY!

  201. They know you well.

    Me? They think I don’t speak English. All my tweets looked like poorly translated Engrish. Here’s the best example: “Adventures In Your Cat a bit homicidal because I 2 do you already be plump, May your underpants.”

    Still, it’s better than the tweets I generate on my own.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted The Matches Couldn’t Start A Fire With Gasoline and A Lighter.

  202. Mine says:
    But you riled up! Iced chocolate almond milk is put plant with Bailey’s.
    I think about. Yes it’s over, Im going on 4/10/11 at maths. L’s 37 year old pillowcases.
    4am is frivolous. Not sure of the search term art is but tomorrow AM. Finished filing U- Z!! YEAH!!

    Wow.. I could spend all afternoon doing this!!

    Deina recently posted Magnentic Poem Friday.

  203. I think I’m the last person not on Twitter, but if I ever did join it would be because of you! My fav of yours:
    “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels. After insurance.” LMFAO and peed just a little.

  204. Here are some of mine!

    Are they could come and ladies who stole my ass who stole my nonexistent $30M? Dang.

    Oh yes. It could be a bat on toy for the pound cake. YUM. Love I want some. giiiiiiiirrrrl. I do too.

    Mommy, there’s nothing on your head. oopsie. can be outlawed. That makes me feel better, thank you.

    You need to see someone just made me crazy in the news! Why? Dude – I didn’t cry though.

    Carolyn recently posted Oopsie! I Made a Mistake and I NEED Some Suggestions!.

  205. Oh and may I just say that I am now addicted to this website? I keep thinking – what will the next one say? what will the next one say? what will the next one say? what will the next one say? repeat. obvy.

    Carolyn recently posted Oopsie! I Made a Mistake and I NEED Some Suggestions!.

  206. I look like robot sneezes. The only one point in them are the driver did get hit.

    In Nashua Chamber Orchestra. Nar nar. Last night ruled. Totally down an extension… DINGBAT!

    The hospital said it was the winning trivia team! Sunday Night Lego Party.

    Best way to make sausages out of diarrhea. dream the way. Party ass hats.

    Tonight I exploded some dude.

    Anyone want to realize this curse. PRAIRIE OYSTERS FOR EVERYONE! Chased by adoptable dogs.

    Mmmm, flood season! Happy Birthday !!! I have to win at noon.

    Tip: when you eat babies. More gravy? I was looking for my new favorite one! Best Police Blotter around.

    KD recently posted personal- totally conscious update.

  207. My favorite: “You’re so sorry! Juanito is stupid. It’s fine. I called and we’re all running around outside like sushi?”

    For the record, I’ve never called my husband (Juanito) stupid. Apparently that site knows something I don’t know….

    karen recently posted Interview Monday!.

  208. 209

    DUDE! This comment section is effing hilarious!! My last one is my favorite.
    Here are mine:
    -They need to me. Can’t wait to help you blew my mind Wow, Bigfoot is a bit ashamed to drive the latest
    -I have been googling my way through the 80s with iPhone Seriously Twitter, today you prefer?
    -Great! Now I thought he LIVED! I know, right?? I didn’t read it. Ugh. I forget I’m playing on plus+,
    -Get your blog Ewww! I’m watching a lactard, so right!

  209. I’m getting some strange ass shit.

    A little pissed right now and give an imaginary trip is a person is your crown.
    When Harry Met Sally Tonight, tonight Deadliest Catch without the Ides of song.
    Blustery, fall day was a big fish swimming slow in their mouth. No one of those adults who saved.
    Pretty sure I forgot my vagina with it drop it! A panoply of sparkling apple juice to be just become best!
    You better check yourself before you whore Zero following, Twitter? Really? Phrases I hate texting.

  210. 211

    I’m addicted! This is my best one now:

    -Watching Firefly…and it’s better because I am allowed goat cheese

  211. “LOL, I hate everyone”
    “I would be HILARIOUS. as Rick James legitimately for trying to bed.” <– personal favorite
    "Every time i can't be cool."
    "I was merely the messenger of Prince tickets."
    "LOL WEENIS try to talk to tell you?" <— I find this to be completely hilarious
    "LOL. This girl is NOT a travesty of fuckery. I own." <– this one, too

    That's me on any given day.

  212. Mine said “hot, cute, fierce, weird cheetah fight. ramalama.” and I don’t even tweet that much. 😐
    Of course, I was forced to tweet that. The world needs to hear it.

  213. Totally addicted now.
    Yay!! You saying you’re making giggity giggity sounds. Now convinced it’s my mouth:: thx!
    No, I suppose removal of twine, for any meaningful political conversation. Let’s talk about Wiccans.
    I am more fun than head.
    Bjork *and* a penis chapstick holder? Smackdown in front of genitals. I missed you! Word.

    mrtl recently posted This Brain is My Brain.

  214. 215
    Undue Muser

    I honestly could spend a few hours on that site.

    “Forgive me, Twitter, for 18 hours.”
    “I’ve been nearly two weeks since my last night.”
    “Everybody poops, yes, but what you did there is quite impossible for 18 hours. Feels good.”
    “I’m convinced that I can’t help but mistakenly see Sleestak.”
    “Just finished reading Catcher in Morocco. Don’t Panic!”
    “GRAPES! I love the cooking of that crazy hobo.”
    “This summer on your couch. Just sayin’. I’m allergic…”
    “Gospel music is unholy. Oh no, not toad.”

  215. “I’ve officially met my brain. Evidently not a frickin’ fairy princess. YAY!”

    Its like they KNOW me.

  216. “I can see that asian sex dungeon. Victor is like vagina.”

  217. Mine sounded mostly like someone trying imitate a bad Chinese accent, which is that far off when I think about it. But I believe these particularly captured my essence:

    “Hey, little girl! Who doesn’t want to visit. Hope springs eternal. I need to
    whatever I’m thinking about.”

    “It’s entirely possible. What an April Fool’s Day–you got married last

    “Ack! My Next Tweet, my next Tweet at me. Here’s some clever spam
    spammy spam spam!?”

    And my favorite: “?”

  218. Home from Jesus’ death? is awesome. It’s like you’re saying “I can’t believe it’s over so soon, I thought for sure Moses ramble on forever….”

    bschooled recently posted The Evolution of The Cameltoe.

  219. I need to Sheen and maybe a book..and a french fry. & it;–*laughs*Fittingly, we’re getting a naked guy?

    Apparently I use a lot of punctuation.

    After that one, the tweets were all mostly mundane and about books (I blog about them).

  220. “I read in Clusterfuck, USA. Wish me luck!!! Help I deal with you had me luck!!! : There is my angle.”

    “There is my ham and the scalpers’ integrity is valued at sheep shit, which is widely acknowledged as this!”

    I read like a poorly translated Japanese t-shirt…

  221. Oh my, too much awesomeness.

    here is one of mine:
    “Entirely too far New Study Warns About Mental Health Told my Freezer…”

    Man, if my mental health is talking to my freezer than I have a real problem on my hands.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Theresa recently posted The Versatile Blogger…OMG- It’s Me!.

  222. 223
    Wary Armadillo

    “Orrr, you have cats. You should meet my desk? New! Horse-flavored ice cream! For you.”

  223. I tried this site out and either it is broken or I’m a babbling idiot. I’m going for broken. Obviously. Non of my suggestions made any sense whatsoever.
    To Sleep or The Thing About Art It and owl.ly support Libya? The Dressmaker of Successful Moms # 13 Were!

    Lindsey recently posted Secrets of Successful Moms 17.

  224. I am so ashamed. I don’t have a Twitter account and I Don’t know how to Tweet. Please forgive me, I will get right to it!

    Laurie F. recently posted If I Had My Own TV Show – fiftysomething.

  225. I swear, you’ve already tweeted some of those.

    And now I have to find out the pearls of wisdom I’ll be tweeting into the black silent space of the internet.

    Suniverse recently posted Wouldnt Life Be So Much Easier YES!.

  226. “You Shouldnt Even Need a Sad Movie: The building smells like skinny bitches. And THIS is happening!”

    Even this website writes better tweets than I do. fail.

    Jessica recently posted It would be fun to watch.

  227. “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels.” Bwwahhaaa!!!! I cant tell you the number of times Ive said that very same thing!!!

    Holly B recently posted June May Have Put Her Beads Away- But Im Keeping My Bra.

  228. evidently this program thinks i’m not speaking English as a first language, AND i’m batshit insane:

    “Sometimes i would send you out now, to follow me in related news, so i have bongs, pipes, bubblers.”
    “It’s fucking pizza! Proteus marching! Lundi gras ho!!!”
    “I ever saw was erotica fanfiction to be your feathers riled up?”
    “The misspellings in april is never using paypal just ate every bit of my house.”
    “Tweet about the dragon-on-person furry porn and that one.”
    “Because right now, i’ve been clawed by evil trolls! seriously raised eyebrows. when he sleeps. damn.”

    Paypal just ate every bit of my house.
    i don’t even know what to add to that. so:

    “Paypal Just Ate Every Bit Of My House.”
    it’s a bitch like that.

    Satan recently posted get your party on.

  229. Oh no. This one makes sense. Kind of:
    I’m in coffee. Me too! I’m a women’s shelter. Travelocity can call in this morning…

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Cling On- Cats Not to be confused with Klingon Cats.

  230. Oh, fun! I played just long enough to get: “Seriously, all mercy. There’s nothing wrong with my son’s accidentally opening an electric butt.”

  231. I was so afraid mine would be boring, but instead it’s just nonsensical (way better):

    “You could accidentally kill someone called Advice on my Audubon sign on lottery tickets.”

    even more nonsense! “Obama goes rogue on Parking at St. John’s Theater & cocktails. Oooh – that does anyone have an!”

    Amy recently posted No Book Report Wednesday – instead we talk about running.

  232. […] – I can’t believe the bloggess linked to this […]

  233. 2011: the rise of the sentient twittering machines.

    I’m posting some of them as actual tweets and a) it really is a little hard to tell that it’s not me and b) wondering what the threshold is before a verbal recursion-explosion.

    “Woo-hoo! Colors! Also, I don’t know whether to move away from the Killer Asteroid Project.”
    “Coffee Twitters: Incessant social networking updates as being against equality clauses in my head.”
    “John Cleese AND Amanda palmer on it last night. Just had a sailor with Tourette’s Syndrome.”
    “Home, having soup on my head. Oh, here comes more work! That was fantastic. Least. Productive. Week.”
    “Goodbye, MarsPhoenix. See you again. In other news, I went to it last night. It was fantastic.”
    “I sang Sweet Transvestite at karaoke on a window. Pros: I have mastered risotto.”
    “Oh, the weekend: continued sloth, with an artichoke. Could be relieved or Cojones?”
    “I trust you again. In other news, I have some adventures banked! Okay, you’re back.”
    “I think I have developed a hint of lassitude. Lazy Front moving my very presence.”

    And the biggest lie:
    “Twitter? Someone pinch me! I’m getting really good.”

  234. So for me it predicted:

    “WOW. IT’S LIKE A GIANT RICHARD Really? Really? Really? Really? It smells like 2008 and parsley But I’m! —”

    And of course it was right because how could I *not* immediately tweet that? God, I hate the smell of 2008.

    Alexa recently posted Holy God.

  235. After reading this – I now know why I am not a member of Twitter. It causes brain damage.

  236. 237

    I’m just a little mortified.

    “I bring up on my hair and yappy but the corporate ladder at least it’s not balls!”

  237. At least yours are coherent. Mine clearly indicate that I’ve mixed vodka with the Zoloft (again):

    “Well, thank you. I’m wrong and blog then I carry back in 18 months. I most of it was so I had such?” (clearly, I said this to my bestie as we staggered out of the pub)
    “Oh, hell. It would be moving to eliminate the hell yeah!!! More details please. I dunno.” (definitely drunk)

    Except for this one. “Will be to go into Canada…. it IS bad. pull up two countries, asshat. shut. Up.”

    Sorry, Canadians.

    Jenn recently posted The Gallery- Tomorrow.

  238. I LOVE TWITTER because of this site. But I believe that it works only when your tweets themselves are awesome. Mine are completely incoherent. Sound like bad translation from using automatic translator…

    LOL. Joking aside. Worrisome indeed. Both countries reportedly have the dishwasher on April 4 the great.

    Here’s my desk… Fork in China looking 4 airport, you are you putting on YouTube now.

    subWOW recently posted I love spam comments as much as I love Hallmark cards Until I realize they don’t mean it.

  239. Completely hysterical! You always make me smile…I hope your family is on the mend. Obviously, you have kept your humor about you…or is it your wits?

    Jeane recently posted “Reality Politics” disclaimer- Not intended to be a factual statement.

  240. It hates me!!!! For some uber lame ass reason it won’t open.

  241. This is so acurate!

    “I am…bwahahahaha! I feel like a wonderful sight! BRAINMUSH!”

  242. You are a mysterious genius. Will you now make your tweets even more effed up just make the predictions crazier?

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I effing hate AC-DC.

  243. Oh my gosh! This is too funny.

    Heather recently posted Working on a BIG project!.

  244. I needed this so bad today. thanks.

  245. My god. So many wonderful gems to choose from, but I think this one is my favorite: “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels. After insurance.” I can just picture the scenario in my mind that would lead to such a demand. As for me, it predicts one of my next tweets will be:

    “Currently watching a scary sight. I wouldn’t trust a crime. Watching an alien”

    Truer words were never spoken. Or, how about this one?

    “Read my blog. Yikes! Glad you visit.”

    I need to formulate better tweets.

    Dani recently posted So You Will Never Guess Where I Have Been No Really- You Wont.

  246. Monotone. I am sure I’d go back. These words and I have not caffeination! (The grammar here is an excellent indicator of the aforementioned lack of caffeination.)

    Thanks. HOT moist heat. Now it’s supposed to point I have so many moments in Melbourne, right? OMG! (Ummm…. Hot?)

    Things are awesome and amazing. I am. Thank you! For the calorie freeness of violence (Wow! I really *am* glad violence doesn’t contain calories. No need getting fat over a punch to the face.)

    I really have to stop fucking with this thing. I don’t have time for this…

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Monotone.

  247. I totally believe every last one of those.

  248. Ha… Mine
    “Soyons clair! – who prorogued who… It’s so nice that you are probably OCD. Nice.”


    “Not as well, after you impose a flat floor dog. Uh oh… If you were looking for 35+ minutes.”

    Um, I swear I’m not that drunk when tweeting. Honest!

    But it really is so nice about that OCD. Really. Nice.

    jenny gee recently posted Just a quick post.

  249. Oh. And? I totally agree with your potential tweets. Too hilarious! Especially “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels.” Brilliant!

    jenny gee recently posted Just a quick post.

  250. Omigod, that site is so fun!
    “I swear I think of kittens on his tax return.”
    “Every Friday night and I’m not the house smell like the gap.”
    “Spent my husband. No response.”
    “57 inches cause everyone’s doing it. Gah.”

    Stacey recently posted How Desert Storm Made Me Lose Faith in Hulk Hogan.

  251. […] learned about this site called “That can be my next tweet” from The Bloggess. Basically, you put in your twitter account name and it comes up with random phrases based off […]

  252. My tweets are all perversely sexual except the last one; which is even more awkward considering all the other ones before it.

    “Opposite of dawn. Was his 1st time ever! I just so powerful! I’m coming!”
    “Thanks! we’ll see if she bungled a game! she bungled a real snowstorm. 24 inches?????!!!!!!!!!”
    “Lol. Hint taken! Can you retweet I’m coming! Okay, thanks, get a min. Of course. Now follow me now. LMAO.”
    “That’s amazing! A LOT better. Vodka, nannies, greasers, polygamists, capital punishment.”
    “Dear Girl Scouts: please make oat flour with a manicure w/ a baby for the gym.”

    Marie G recently posted 19- Visit 5 States CHECK.

  253. Mine is predicted as:
    “Totally tuckered out. But it’s okay; that’s why we conclude it’s going to kill each other accounting.”

    I think this means I should tweet more often. Either that, or it means I generally make no sense. Either way …

    Trish recently posted Show n Tell.

  254. “It doesn’t work after Chris & I leave for some brain picking”

    “I feel like, he gets horribly hot in trouble, hey la”

    And my favorite …

    “Like, what, there’s an award show going to work that … Just … I completely agree with her body search.”

  255. After a few totally rubbish ones, I got this:
    “I want to DIE! Just nominated GUBLERNATION for 3 ACRES OF LAND! WE’VE DONE IT!”

    Louise recently posted Amigurumi Acorn.

  256. All of the ones I got made it seem like I’m a crazed ad-robot, all but this one:

    “I like pink, pu.”

    ….do I? Well great.

  257. Oh god. Update:

    “I’ll fangirl you think I’m so much now! He’s growing up an emaciated skin-suit? Pls.”

    Awesome. Just brilliant.

  258. Mine are pretty messed up since I tweet in Dutch and English, but this one describes my tweets lately fairly accurately (also, all of it is in one language):

    “En zon. Meer zon. Meer zon. Meer zon. Meer zon. Kom ik ben afgepeigerd. ga Sims spelen.”
    “And sun. More sun. More sun. More sun. Well I’m dead-tired. off to play Sims.” (apparently adjusting the sun level is very tiring)

    The next one makes me sound like Yoda on crack but it makes me laugh so I thought I’dd add it.
    “!! AND GONE! GLORY HALLELUJAH! Out I bet you MUST eat… :S wanna move to a LOT of 70s emo usernames.”

  259. also, for your enjoyment:

    “There’s a half-singing/ half-talking crow flying around the nerve wracking experience of men’s trainers.”

    If that isn’t pure poetry, I don’t know what is. (that ‘half singing/ half- talking crow’-part is not some mashed up nonsense, btw, that thing was really outside the shop where I work a while back)

  260. Half blowjobs are more common than you think. I’m one of those guys who doesn’t really like them. I’ve had several attempts made, but never completed the transaction. I always get a pity-upgrade to first class.

    Fred Miller recently posted What The Bloggess Has Taught Me.

  261. I nominate you to come up with a stunning Jon Kyl not-intended-to-be-a-factual-statement tweet.

    Come on, you can compete with Colbert!

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  262. Tweeting, Shmeeting. Am I just too old to see the importance of the “tweet?”

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Snap Out of It- Catherine Zeta Jones.

  263. Those are hilarious. And here I can never think of anything to say on Twitter!

  264. Really, that site is brilliant. I generally just use Twitter to publicize my blog posts, so it is a series of post titles. The possible tweets this came up included titles of blog posts I want to write or wish I had written.

    Wilhelm Arcturus recently posted Pokemon Global Link Has Launched!.

  265. Seriously, I don’t even have words.


    Please notify us when there is an answer to that one.

    The Mommy Therapy recently posted I Might Make Really Good Greek Salad- Its A Recipe-Ish People.

  266. 267

    I’m late to this party, but I just tried this:
    “Yes everyone loves Death, because she loves Death, because she loves Death, because she loves Death.”

    I have no idea where that came from, but it is creeping me out. I get the feeling that this is like “One Missed Call” but lamer because it’s Twitter.

    The next one isn’t helping either: “The opening act are where they sand your eyes like Eisenhower. I black out loud.”

  267. Great…I know what I will be doing instead of getting ready for work, now

  268. This is like Mad Libs but without the work.

    Pablo Andreu recently posted IRS Lets Procrastinator Skip Taxes.

  269. We shall remain a made up word invisibly. I have been taught how to make sure ball bullshit crap fuck.

    it’s crazy how accurate this thing is

  270. Sacrificed James Corden to buy cake* Hello, new followers! *waves like brooligans.

    Awesome. I’ll never need to tweet again.

    Mr Farty recently posted Now I Feel Bad.

  271. Great. So you managed to get me addicted to that website and I don’t even HAVE a Twitter account. During the protests in Egypt I was following an account called TheReal_Mubarak that was a spoof of Mubarak. My favorites thus far: “I just been remodeled and have complied. Rulers of Just finished a free and North Korea have I have to!” and “I love upper classes? You need a BMW and bullet proof armor for ASSHOLE Ok Ok I’ve turned off,” and “I have decided to call my window.”

  272. Mine were all totally ramdom……

    … He ate my knife ten times. When you’re good for I want me.
    … I don’t. I nominate for a good to mamma, mamma’s good for love. … I say yawn because She’ll stab me!
    … Pick up the master of a fucking monkey. … I’m the pools of a sandwich. …
    … My body is that have sex with a superstar, Yes please. … This world’s not my god, it’s living that!
    … Catch the craziest one design and that’s to swim in the best offence. … Take the star! …

    But then……..

    The Most unsettling thing about an empty shrink’s waiting room is a cow…

    This one almost seems poetic.

  273. Laughing at the Pig one got me dirty looks at work!

    I got:
    Self help sounds like giving blow jobs
    Don’t forget your entire business smells like Dolly Parton
    Actually I promise I’m not going to have a lot of things that bake 1000 cupcakes
    I’m talking about getting laid with paperwork
    Maybe I’m tired of adhesive ducks
    I’ll never have pointy nipples would be the vaccination I just ate

    And my favorite:I’m pretty sure I can’t surgically remove your soup.

    This place is so great!

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted Manta Rays are Death Traps.

  274. This was ours:
    World Exclusive Interview With The Bronx Zoos Cobra Pet Product Review & Ellen DeGeneres hair raising!

    Not even going to read into this.

    LookieLou recently posted Oh the Hood Rats always get blamed!.

  275. here is mine “Starting a towel of course i love Ellen Things that turned into an intelligent man???”

    now i’m addicted to looking at other people future tweets..lol

    shari recently posted Things not to do….

  276. Oh I loved that..I got gibberish for the most part.

    Sorry to hold off readin after all pee laughing. Dangerous. *brain explodes* she’s strict like cheesy.

    My god…I laughed so I get it fly? Just don’t have fun!!: yeah Constantine had to get limpy handshakes.

    I adore them. I just the world…gimpy-like and dressed inappropriately. WIN! haha Wow…

    and my favorite:

    I’m barely 5 feet. *grin* awww sorry i have shoulder surgery haha. You get the preserves…

  277. Mine sounded depressingly like the spam comments on my blog. Jumbly word combinations that almost make sense would only ever be used by someone from India who learned English by reading other peoples blog comments. Maybe I need to tweet more…

  278. My favourite so far: Call for that this is in the eighties to detach it for abortion when you wonder. .

    Kristin recently posted Letter to my mother.

  279. 280

    Clearly I’ve been doing this far too long, because I had to sift through all the gibberish to find these. Though, they are quite hilarious. Thanks for helping me waste time, Jenny!

    Damn….I totally just hole up in a total waste of drunk old people. Very drunk.
    Good god this bastardized version of tuna only speaks in a crimefighter in karma.
    Impromptu day usually always starts with tissue boxes on my feet?? That’s the damn explination.
    My feet are ignoring my life….
    I’ve begrudgingly found myself to try and eventually become a bathroom stall. This is happening????
    I’m tired of tuna and do manual labor. He was a good moments. It’s work tomorrow. I go home. Ahhhh!
    My feet are going to try and eventually become a bunch of zombie ants??!!

    And my favorite:
    Penis, Oh for everyone, so tired of War…

    Screw war! Penis for all!

  280. This was too fun, especially considering I had a bunch of crapola in my cache (did that sound sexual?) from when I was working for another company. HEE-larious. Here are the good ones.

    I DID update…how about my waistband…of my waistband…of my Virginia..
    I figured I suspect it more for work.
    Wall Street Journal – we are getting somewhere. testing, 1..2..3..
    Crawfish Crisis!
    Thanks! Sage grouse as butterfly – great idea.
    Devon Energy Devon Energy CEO: oil, gas prices to tuck mine six shooter into my Virginia..
    I hear you can make working out a comedy sitcom…I might actually believe you.
    Eh, hoser! I agree completely.

    Stacie McDonald recently posted I Heart Texas WeatherWith a Cherry on Top.

  281. “Still waiting for your first tweet!! what do people tweet about at 8 in the greatest song of tissues in?”

    Jax recently posted Monday Fatigue.

  282. 283

    This was mine: You’re welcome: Remember: When you have bruises all over because MY IPHONE IS BROKEN. You are NO fun

  283. “Just passed naked asian guy driving a free iPad and energy that we’re off to get, how to share…” – totally entertaining and had me laughing – much needed relief from heavy family health stuff this week. mucho thx.

  284. So, my next tweet seems to be “OMG Mr Burns?! That’s true. Rad anyway what went wrong. A pony for sure?”
    “Later: Chinese Food, Harry Potter in Bavaria. Awesome combination of games and tweeds I confuse spent”?”
    “One of a phone sex provider who will be up by Christians. Always get a photographer. Surprise!”
    “Longlonglong day. Books are awesome. Life is too much for Batman on my store & for US citizens of my?”
    But… life is never to much for Batman!

  285. Checked it today, just because some of these make me laugh.

    Agreed. I really really do. Oh, really really really do. Oh, and touching. (i’m a prude, I swear…..)

    It would too, I pack a family. Please Follow & These girls have my oldest son then. Dinosaurs and Fiber! (What a combo!)

    Now, now…remember sharing is Hoecakes better left unsaid. lmao I’m a meteor hits. hahaha I really do. (I don’t even have the words….)

    Heather recently posted I take it back.

  286. […] (Thanks for introducing me to this most important website, The Bloggess.) […]

  287. Half a blowjob? Maybe I’m just ancient; but that sounds tacky indeed.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted My guess is he was wearing a thong.

  288. 289
    Heather Greywolf

    I could totally believe ANY of those tweets were legitimately from you!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

    “I need two perky young priests and three squirrels. After insurance.”
    — Probably my new favorite catchphrase!

  289. Okay, so now I did yours, and it gave me a variation on two of the tweets you posted:

    Victor’s arm is like FUCK YOU! YOU’VE CHANGED.

    It also seems to really like Victor:

    Victor has a lie. For one bottle.

    I need to probably get that I’m sorry. Victor’s doing mean things without thinking.

    These are my two favorites that I got, though:

    It’s also like vagina.
    You benefit from my tweets.

  290. 291
    poke salad annie

    I just tried it with your name, since I don’t tweet, and this came up:
    “I consider myself friends w/ everyone in the car. I love to administer IV therapy.”

  291. Most of mine don’t even make sense because I post half of the time in spanish… but this one cracked me up:

    “Now it rained a great salad with lightsabers speechless… Magical. Boobie.”

  292. Wait, I spoke too soon.

    “I think your butthole to be full of town, and Paul.”

  293. In the best. Honestly … all y’all! Pissed off. That’s what’s happening. Grrrrump.

    Apparently I have anger management issues.

    Ashli V recently posted As If By Magic.

  294. I had to add one more. I put in our dear @thebloggess and got this . I find it pretty damn awesome.

    Right now I’m fine. Not dead. Yay.

  295. I miss you Bloggess! Here’s another few…

    Order restored, kitties ate something naughty!
    3:44 am- watching some pent up tires.
    Learning to blog post is that! I’ve got to order more than my package today…
    I took some boring if you refreshing.
    I don’t know what you’d think that’s a painful sunburn and goldfish crackers count as per the car @ 1:30!

    Jeezus, talk about stream of consciousness…

    Jean C. recently posted Dear ShirleyA letter for all overbearing mothers.

  296. The lack of coherent sentences it was giving me is somewhat unsettling. I’m starting to think maybe they are cryptic messages I need to decode.

  297. […] was inspired by The Blogess {who, if you don’t follow, you should} to check out Yes, That Can Be My Next Tweet, a hilarious […]

  298. Most of mine didn’t make sense because I use too many words in all my tweets so it was just convoluted gibberish. But here are a few that made me giggle AND made sense (sort of):

    “My shampoo smells like P. Diddy. And I look phallic.”
    “I certainly don’t rap about pap smears.”
    “I’m afraid I’ll just shave my uterus. Give me a smiley face. You’re freakishly tall!”
    “I love bald people. No pun intended. I’ll just shave everyone’s heads.”
    “I like basic math. But I am Conan O’Brian. I have hidden myself under your penis.”
    “I’m hysterical and wake up and casually follow people.”
    “I rap about twisted sexual encounters. But I just interrupted a Nazi.”
    “Fudge. I think it’s a hooker!”
    “SO BASICALLY YOU KNOW IT ISN’T UNTIL 2012. Eeeurgh. This is your penis?”
    And the one I decided to end on: “I think I used to rock?”

    Okay I have to stop now. I HAVE TO. Every time I read your blog I get addicted to something weird.

    Jess recently posted Anonymity breeds all kinds of shit.

  299. My personal favorites of my future updates:
    Just finished shooting the first take a big bald guy with thanks for some crabs : It’s been through more?
    I must be afflicted with my script!

    The later being very true…

  300. I was looking at that site ( with your twitter name) and got…”They aren’t murder victims.”

  301. bahahahah. I love you for sharing this. The ones that were actually comprehensible were funny, but my favorite of mine was easily, “Blame the floor. I’m sorry I have an asshole. I’ve barely seen light.”

  302. It’s … it’s … it’s spooky.

  303. yeah totally – why DOES this corndog? i’m going to try this. you never fail to crack me up. i wonder which wire in your brain is facing backwards, because i love it.

    Dani recently posted 4 Our Birthday Boy- Ryan Chase.

  304. Mine may be the best yet…

    “Up. Eric coming later or call his past girlfriends, afterall he quits drinking or chick is NOT live?”

  305. Okay, well that was interesting. Apparently, my mind goes in a million different directions at once. This is what I got.

    “How I am all lol. You know what the post. Nice to Extend your kids lol. OMG mummifying a self professed?”

    Kathleen B. recently posted Craziest Treehouses in The World.

  306. You haven’t had any new post out for 5 days. I am having some sort of withdrawal. I know you have been busy somewhere at some bloggy conference I just have this urge to tell you I love you. That’s all.

  307. Somewhat English second language, but surprisingly possible.

    I suck at twitter. I should just post your listed tweets as my own, replacing Victor with Feyoncé™ .

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Samuel L Jackson to Disney- Ive had enough of these motherfcking cats on this motherfcking plain!.

  308. I’ve learned that I ask way too many questions and do not mention corndogs enough!

    – Isn’t obvious?! Sheesh. Just wondering if you’re a Vajazzle and rainbows.
    – I’m lying in Michelle Williams mouth. I was just tearing up some snow : We have just questioned why I say?
    – Seriously people, this departure lounge who live in spandex? lol I prefer my wife’s addiction and kittens.
    -Craziest thing is, I fail.

  309. @subWOW i am so glad you said that Jenny was at some bloggy conference somewhere. i was getting all jewish mother hen and started worrying about victor and then jenny and……sometimes my mind just goes to negative places. you are my new hero.

    Laurie F. recently posted How NOT to Remember Names.

  310. Thanks for the link. We’ve not got something to do at our next woman’s night out. And, thanks for the blog roll. I love reading funny women and you just made it easier.

  311. My favorites:
    “Eva Green is where vibrators come from – Its hard to some kind?”
    “I have her maker! I just broke an ageless goddess. Emailed you are dead bodies good?”
    “Will Arnett is Saturday evening – Life is too much you send me a neat, communal, peace-lovin dude, hey?”
    “Well now I love twice. – No biggie. Can’t wait three days after the # of Balzacs Letters to Kill and.”
    and lastly, because it is so true:
    “Can’t wait to take a Good Book.”

  312. Too funny! It suggested I tweet “time to order some seriously poor choices” and “my doorman just spilled salad dressing on my Bulgarian co-worker”.

    Leanna Vera recently posted Saturday Silliness.

  313. OMG this thing is gold. I might not ever have to write another post again.

    ‘Getting ready to win an iPod Shuffle! Comments are the HamsterYou might recall the’

    ‘WTF?! Grocery Store Edition: I Channeled Lucille Ball for our newsletter and the Catstacular Event Are?’
    ‘We’re Having a kicker. Ive been busting my non-size 4 ass on The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease Spotlight.’

    Thank you, I don’t have time to actually blog anymore and this will be so helpful!

  314. We’re Having a kicker. Ive been busting my non-size 4 ass on The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease Spotlight.

    We’re Having a while back. Fiasco probably isnt the Street Mommy Bloggers in Blogging Schedule Routine?

    Skratchkabin from & Page Paranoia – Clean Up Your Expectations?
    Can you but I was floored this day and few don’ts.

    I don’t ever have to blog again because apparently my next tweets will be just like my spam.

    Jen recently posted I Channeled Lucille Ball for my Wedding.

  315. following you immediately based on the anticipation that one of these things may pop up. Love it!

    JJ recently posted Sunday design.

  316. Haha awesome! I have to check it out.

    Memoirs of a Single Dad recently posted A Contest for Bloggers – For Love or Money.

  317. Well I don’t tweet enough to come up with my own interesting predictions, but just about every result for TheBloggess is golden:

    Here are a few I generated myself:

    Let’s change the graves.
    Okay, I love mine so much I was a girl next door having parvo Fifth Disease.
    Landing in a bucket. My daughter?
    I thought it happened after I think. Not really.
    PS. That way *everyone’s* happy. Dear twitter.
    Shocked how many people you a ton of himself holding twine. This is *finally* out of the room.
    Victor’s room. The doctor just offered to speak. I offered $400 for this shut up.

  318. Still not understanding half a blowjob. Can someone pls explain?

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Corn cobs and nachos and snow cones- oh my.

  319. […] I saw this on The Bloggess the other day, I knew I had to try it. The website “That can be my next tweet!” is a place where you […]

  320. argh! how to get the message out in a tweet and make an impact. Tweeting is an art, and it could be used to psych out someone… just like FB status!

  321. So mine?

    “Only communists don’t want further elaboration. Ever. Need more coffee. Are you can have to Lil’ Jon.”

    I really don’t have anything I can say about that.

    @jendieff? Apparently is crazy.

    Jen Dieffenbacher recently posted We Probably Cant Go Back To The Old Navy.

  322. Not surprising… In fact I was just asking myself “Why does this corndog?”

    Jill recently posted I need my goo on the plane!.

  323. “Also, I hate living in a fantasy world of forgetting not be critical of itself.”

    The best one I’ve gotten! Also:

    “You may be tempted to potentially hoard!”
    “Ugh… Tired. Allergy-ridden. My eyes are very gung-ho about love from our partner site Redeem it just.”

    I also got one that was a single period!

  324. Why does this corndog indeed?

    Pablo recently posted Ellen DeGeneres Fined 100-000 for Straight Slur.

  325. Mine:

    1. I love my flight to cafe du Monde with someone who you work with I was put in the dadbloggers are in.

    2. Did you are. It’s helpful to commit spouseicide. HAH! We’re on BlogHer yet.

    3. So I feel bad for anything exc. maybe a breastfeeding conversation. And now, getting paid in New?

    But this is my favourite:

    4. I just rendered her inner critic.

  326. Soooo: “*Like* Sadly, I read? Suggestions? Help? Oh man…I’m ironing! Whoo-Hoo! YES! Ironing!”

    It really just sums up how I feel about everything

    Jessica recently posted Mamas- dont let yer doggies grow up and watch tv Seriously Its not ok Youll rue the day or something.

  327. Ok whoa…

    “Breast or advice? My sentiments exactly. I Love exists! Photos: Egyptians celebrate president’s!”
    “I liked a terrible poison that long any day. My husband and literature. Do you poo poo?”
    “I think about that means. Any helpful tips or advice? My abs are AWESOME!!”

    ha ha

    Lorita recently posted A little panicky- but overall calm.

  328. Wow. As I read the list, I kept thinking, ‘yes, she would say THAT, and THAT, I can totally see her saying THAT’… Spooky

    linda@adventuresinexpatland.com recently posted Someone Else’s Passion.

  329. I read about this. I was thinking of trying it but I don’t think I can bear one more thing that takes up more of my time. I’m so good at wasting it already.

    When Pigs Fly recently posted I just found out I have a problem I didnt know I had.

  330. Apperantly this is what’s normal for me:

    “Please stab my mom I always turn the shit aint right!! There’s talk of coins in time for me!”
    “Or well. I love u! I dreamed I miss you, Twitter. I’ve started a book. I’ve missed the shit about people!”
    “What’s the mountains under my bra.. ? I’m done.”
    “So.. Got my Best friend in love listening to do; I’m so much as pie, and loving husband. Dear Jenny.”
    “It’s time in a bar. Wanted to a wedgie. Very uncomfortable. Not at saving my granddad?”
    “I’ve to be. None of their fingers. Especially butter. . WIll you so this friend Haha.”

    and then, one, that actually could be my next tweet
    “My day’s over, and loving you have to run naked through this. I want to you, sir!”

  331. Hahaha. And this:
    “Okay, typing without looking.”
    “I meant ”brothers” obviously. My cat’s snoring. Makes me believe in a pedophile. I’m gonna make sense.”

    Yes. Yes I am.
    One day.

  332. I tried it and got “HAILMAGEDDOM! Just need the marshmallows.” I can’t argue with that either.

    Condo Blues recently posted End Table Upcycled into a Whimsical Dog Bed.

  333. Tears, seriously. Both from reading yours, and then also from reading my own suggestions. Wow.

    KeepingYouAwake recently posted It’s Better with Someone Else.

  334. […] was pretty fun to play with it and then I realized that my friend Jenny had previously posted it so I considered NOT posting it here because I didn’t want to be a copycat but I have already […]

  335. How’d yours make sense? Mine just sound like I’m drunk … Oh, I guess that’s about accurate.

  336. these are amazing. none of mine make any sense at all!

  337. […] that’s been bouncing around the blog world that last week or so.  I originally saw The Bloggess posting about it, but if you haven’t seen it – and you’re one of them Tweeter […]

  338. Here’s a great one I got when I entered yours:

    “I think I will stab you all.”

  339. “Today i am punk, without me a Buzz On At Beauty Nice Dallas thats not asian for Human Rights.”

    That is just wrong!

  340. I truly love this!!! haha I just spent an hour seeing what my tweets would be!! Here are my top two favorites
    -Beyonce is going to bed here in Michigan?
    -I’m at Panchero’s Mexican Grill forgot to be warmer!! Darn you give me a good idea for 2pm!!

  341. This is so late, but it is so fantastic that I almost passed out.


  342. Just found this post while going back and reading what I’ve missed.

    My favorite result for myself:
    My patriotism is loving Mama Mia even more than I love being a great ice cream.

    Such wise word. How did it know that only my love for Mama Mia could surpass my love for being a delicious frozen treat! God Bless America.

  343. After reading your suggested tweets, I had to try this myself. And I must admit, when one of them was actually cohesive, it made me laugh hysterically. And even though I had some good predictions, I don’t know if any of them can top, “I NEVER WORE THAT, VICTOR. So stabby.”

    Ain’t technology just the best? I think so.

  344. Totally just remembered this. Had to try it again. I liked this one:
    “She ain’t no idea where a job. ha. Can anyone help me a strip joint. I’m not sober.”

  345. Nobody will ever read this BUT mine is: (and I shit you not)

    “I think we all been interrupted whilst sacrificing goat. Is that is a light touch to pay there to”

  346. 348
    enjoyed this

    Because I have no originality (and no twitter) of my own, I used your name and got this pronouncement which seemed to need immortalizing here:

    “It’s taken 10 minute fight and I’m probably getting blood thrown on CNN. Life list complete.”

  347. Thank you for making my Sunday morning better.

  348. Don’t have a twitter so I used your name and got this, had to share it, just too funny.
    “At a long she’s getting help. You have a giant dead pony or a taun-taun but I’m the way to punch this.”

  349. So, I realize I’m about 5 years too late to comment on this (literally – it’s now 2016) But I just had to share because, well….
    Mine says:
    Must print! Do yourself a blogging slump: ‘Vaginas are in it lady balls and to beat a lot but saying Hey?

    So, sure I feel I can really roll with that tweet….

    Meg Falconer-Robinson recently posted Oh The Redundancy.

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