I just paid to have someone beat me up

I just had my first ever Swedish massage and it was awesome, except for the parts when I thought I was going to be murdered.

Halfway through the guy told me to “smell” I was all “What?” and I opened my eyes and his hands were over my face like he was just about to smother me and I yelled “WHAT?” and he said, “I said ‘smell‘” and so I did and it was eucalyptus. I assume that’s some kind of aromatherapy but I have to think that the relaxation gained from smelling eucalyptus is not worth the stress you get from thinking you were going to be smothered.  Maybe it’s just me.  Then he rubbed the eucalyptus into my body.  Except by “rubbed” I mean “punched.”  I smell like I got beaten up by a koala bear.

Then he started pulling on my limbs and pushing them back in and it was kind of like if a class of kindergartners were told to kill you using only their hands and feet.  Then he tried to dislocate my arm.  Not on purpose, but he kept doing this thing and my arm was getting crunchy(?) and so he pushed harder and then I realized that he was trying to align my shoulder-blade except that I’m double-jointed and so he was trying to fix something unfixable and so I’m all, “Oh, it’s supposed to be like that.  You can move on”

Then he asked, “Um, have you ever had an allergic reaction to lotions or essential oils?” and I was all “No, why?” and he told me that my arm was really red and I was all, “Oh, that’s because YOU JUST TRIED TO DISLOCATE MY SHOULDERBLADE” but I didn’t say that out loud because at this point I was a little afraid that he was going to murder me, because who enjoys inflicting that much pressure on someone?  Sadists, that’s who.  But then it turns out that I am allergic to the oils, or that maybe I’m just breaking out in hives from the stress of my stress-relieving massage.

The only good part was when it was over and the guy was all “Make sure you drink a lot so you can flush your body of the toxins” and so I was all “Hell yeah” but when I got home and poured myself my second booze-slushie Victor said, “Water.  You’re supposed to drink water” and I was all “He was not specific“.

And that’s why there are so many typos in this post.  Because I’m therapeutically drunk and sort of bruised and dislocated.  That was not relaxing at all.  Next time I’m just skipping straight to the drunk part.

158 thoughts on “I just paid to have someone beat me up

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  1. Whoops – sorry signed in as the wrong blog.
    Well not the wrong blog, they’re both my blogs but I usually use my word vomit blog not my recipe blog as standard. Sorry that probably wasn’t relevant… *wanders off*

  2. At least you didn’t leave smelling like a French whore–been there, done that. Next time try a couples massage and drink lots of wine first. Or just have a margarita party and find a hot male masseuse who can give you a nice relaxing Thai massage–well worth the money.

    Cheers.
    VB

  3. I, too, am a peach and I have this great big WICKED bruise on my hip from… drum roll please… my rheumatologist pushing on it to see if those joints are bad, too. I didn’t think they were, but it whatever she did sure hurt like hell and I look like I’ve been beat on with a ball bat!

  4. At least you didn’t leave smelling like a French whore–been there, done that. Next time try a couples massage and drink lots of wine first. Or just have a margarita party and find a hot male masseuse who can give you a nice relaxing Thai massage–well worth the money.

    Cheers.
    VB

  5. I am so glad that I live with someone who is willing to torment my carcass in this manner for no cost, and sometimes even brings me my booze slushy while I am laying there trying to recuperate. I think it is a defect of modern biology that our poor, achy meatbags need to be violently manipulated to keep us from clicking when we walk. If we click when we walk, how are we supposed to stalk our pray? Mountain lions don’t click.

    Stupid human body.

  6. I’m totally allergic to eucalyptus. I love the smell, but it always tries to kill me. So instead they rub me with something akin to sour dish towels and feet. Maybe I should drink first.

  7. i love being in the healing touch business. where else can you have people pay you to beat the living bajeezus out of them? and they don’t question you because you have a piece of paper that certifies you to beat the living bajeezus out of them. it is win-win. for therapists.

  8. The first time I had a massage was in Budapest, Hungary, though it was a Thai massage. Only a sheet separated me from the person in the next “room,” and when all I heard was, “More crack! I love crack!” followed by screams and loud crackling sounds from stiff joints, I knew I was doomed.

  9. Immediately following a massage, my arthritis feels like it’s gone. Then it slowly seeps back in because I start doing all sorts of shit I know aggravates it, but it feels so good so why not?!

    THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU.

  10. You probably could have just bought some thugs cheap booze and got beat up for cheaper. Just sayin.

    But really I bruise easily too, and will now never try a Swedish massage, it sounds scary and painful.

  11. Tempted to get big kids to pour eucalyptus oil on me then pull on my limbs a bit.

    They do that daily anyway. If I lie down first it totally counts as a massage and is cheaper yes?

    More $ for drinks after.

    All win.

  12. let me get this straight….you paid someone to make you smell their fingers? Based on your description, I’m not sure what you experienced was so much a massage, as much as maybe a poorly trained gigolo.

  13. They aren’t kidding about that water! My first massage experience left me with the flu for 2 weeks..Maybe a coincidence, who knows. Normally I’m very ticklish, but getting a massage is the one time I’m not!

  14. This is the exact reason I am terrified of the idea of getting massages. Plus you’re all naked and that is not a good situation to be in if the spa catches on fire.

  15. First of all, I’m sorry for laughing at your pain. I’m betting that you got a pretty ugly headache after boozing it up post massage, too. Ugh.

    Secondliest, I personally like hard massages. What was worse for me was the time I had a masseuse with such crippling arthritis that her fingers were permanently formed into something that looked like raptor talons. I knew that was a bad sign. Then she proceeded to give me an “aura massage” by hovering her hands just inches above my body without actually touching me. It drove me mad. Oh my God! Just use your feet or your elbows! Stop teasing my aura, you aura hussy!

  16. You didn’t like your massage? Hmmmm…personally I’ve never had one, but my husband says he always has a happy ending.

  17. This made me remember I have a gift certificate for a massage. Boo-yah! Guess who’s getting a massage today?

    Next time try a hot rock massage. Soooooo gooooood.

  18. I had my first massage a month ago and I was amazed at how crappy I felt afterwards. Muscles felt good good, beat up but good…Toxins, who knew! I am now very afraid of a swedish massage.

  19. This is why I’m too scared to have a massage because I dislocate everything simply rolling over in bed. Add in oils and pressure and I’m certain I’d be a mess of bones and broken joints. Well, worse than normal anyway.

  20. 2 things…

    Just koala, never bear. – You’re drunk though, so i’ll let it pass. This time.

    Drinking alcoholic slushies is always always a better choice then the gross herbal tea that im forced to drink which just ruins all the relaxing from the massage!

  21. I love massages and once opted for a “deep tissue” variety while on vacation on St. John. I thought deep tissue meant that it would really relax my muscles and I’d feel great. Instead, the very handsome and ruthlessly strong island man dug so hard into my back that there were tears streaming out of my eyes. I could barly move my neck the next day; I felt like I had been rear-ended by a dump truck. And not in the good, my-husband’s-nickname-is-dump-truck sort of way.

    Ever since that experience, I specify “the wussy, gentle rub massage please”.

  22. The closest thing I’ve ever come to an actual massage is sitting in those chairs that grope you while you’re getting a pedicure. I’m uncomfortable enough with public, robot, over-the-clothes gropage that I can control with a remote–I’m not ready to hire a person to do that to me privately.
    Pruuuude!

  23. The closest thing I’ve ever come to an actual massage is sitting in those chairs that grope you while you’re getting a pedicure. I’m uncomfortable enough with public, robot, over-the-clothes gropage that I can control with a remote–I’m not ready to hire a person to do that to me privately.
    Pruuuude!

  24. Aren’t you supposed to be working on your book at this point? I feel like massages are just more cabin weekends. And I would totally have a panic attack if some weird guy with oily hands put those oily hands over my mouth.

  25. That’s what you get for missing out on the Rapture, SINNER. So there!

    (The fact that I’m still here to write that is no reflection on my own rapturability)

  26. Ugh. The mere thought of a massage makes me break out in hives. I’ve never had one and no, I don’t care to find out what I’ve been missing!

  27. Also, can you explain to me what exactly is supposed to be relaxing about smooshing your face into a toilet seat?

  28. Do you have a big brother? Because those are usually the people who beat you up and then make you smell their finger. You might want to check your credit card receipt.

  29. If you want to relax, try accupuncture. It doesn’t matter for what. Tell them you have a pain somewhere, tell them you want to boost your Zombie immunity, whatever, they’ll stick some needles in you and that sh*t will knock. You. Out! And then you’ll totally be ready for the zombie apocalypse! : ) : )

  30. I didn’t get a Swedish massage this weekend … but I did go to my son’s first-grade “Family Dance Night” on Friday, and then got shitfaced on Saturday … so, you know … kind of the same.

  31. The first rule of massage club is you don’t talk about massage club.
    Maybe I should look into getting a swedish massage. I always seem to get stuck with some pansy that’s afraid to touch me. I’m not gonna break people! I swear, spiders walking on me have about the same amount of pressure as these people. And the whole drinking thing, they always tell me water, but I just assume they mean a sweet tea. 😉

  32. I don’t like massages, but only because I don’t like being touched by people I do not know. The good part is that no one is cracking my back. The bad part is that no one is cracking my back. That’s how these things work, right?

  33. Ah, booze slushies. I need to make that happen today.
    And massage…I could use one of those too.
    Sadly, I will probably spend the day working and then putting away Mount Saint Laundry. Not very dangerous today.

  34. It could be worse…the last time I had a massage, I showed up and it turned out that my grade school lunch lady was the masseuse.

    One word for you: AWKWARD!

  35. Oh, dear. Massage can be deep and “hurt” IF you want. Or it can be lighter and calmer IF you want THAT. I’m a little saddened to hear the therapist didn’t do the best job of explaining his technique or checking in with you. I hope everyone here reading knows that. I’ve been a massage therapist for 17 years and hope no client of mine ever felt freaked out like that.

    Jenny, I’ve sent you a private message re: this and offering you another shot at massage and my details. Let me know.
    ~Annie Kirkham

  36. Ooooh, a booze slushie…nice! How about you combine the two descriptions and say a kindergarten class full of koalas tried to kill you with their hands and feet?

  37. That line about being beaten up by a koala bear? Genius.

    Last massage I had (which was the first one in about 3 years, left me sore for 3 days. Next time I’m doing hot rocks. Which, conveniently, I have the kit here at home.

  38. Personally, I’d rather perforate my liver by consuming tasty concoctions that render me warm and fuzzy, rather than by a massage that is supposed to leave me warm and fuzzy but instead feels like I’ve been on the rack for a few weeks.

    That being said, I did have a prenatal massage when I was 8 months pregnant, and that was complete bliss. Except when they touched my feet, because I am super ticklish. Oh, and when my restless leg syndrome reared its ugly head and I about kung fu’ed her in the face.

  39. Haha- that is funny. Where did you get it done? I once had a massage at the JW Marriot in Vegas and I swear the guy who gave me the massage was mounting my back like he was getting ready for the rodeo. He tugged on me, did handstands, slapped me around a bit (at least that is what it felt like). I have never felt so violated in my life, and never had a massage like that since.

  40. I am a super massage fan…love it. But you do have to find the right masseuse…I lucked out and it ended up being my best friend. Must say whenever I piss her off I know it is going to come back at me on the massage table…and the lady knows how to “punch.”

  41. True story. On my honeymoon in St. Lucia – the first day of which cost us $10,000 we never saw again but that is a whole other story involving a crying bride, a telephone book, warm cheese and the wafting scent of pungent urine – I got a massage with my new wife. Aww! I specifically told this very large island woman with hands the size of cinder blocks to not touch my spine from half-way down my back on down. Bad discs. DO NOT TOUCH. No touching. NO TOUCHING!

    She didn’t just touch, she broke. A disc. She popped it. I was immediately immobilized, they had to find a wheelchair to get me to my room, and fly in a doctor from a nearby island to prescribe CHrist knwos what as a painkiller. I spent the next 5 days of my honeymoon in bed but instead of violating another human being in ways of which we dare not speak, I watched grainy satellite TV of Emeril and Two Fat Ladies. And Ming Tsai. Remember when Food Network had cooking shows about cooking food and taught you how to cook. Yeah me either.

    Anyway…that was 1999. Haven’t had a massage since. Did have back surgery though.

  42. i laughed my ass off when mrs p said your brother is usually the one who will beat you up and make you smell their fingers. i have a brother and you couldnt have described one better.

    i have never wanted to get a massage because of the whole being naked while stranger gropes you thing. i would be such a nervous wreck i wouldnt enjoy it. i’m sure i would have an anxiety attack. if i opened my eyes and someones hands were hovering that close to my face, i just know my reflexs would take over. then i wouldnt want to stay because they would be upset at me and take it out on me with the massage. see… it just aint worth these kind of risks.

  43. Wow. That sounds traumatic. Which I think is the opposite of what it’s supposed to be. Maybe you should start up a sweedish massage business. Then you could take your aggression out on other people and GET PAID to do it.

  44. I used to think I wanted a Swedish massage. But I’m double-jointed as well and I think you just talked me out of it. I’ll stick with the deep tissue massage.

  45. There is a lot to what you say, and I don’t mean just funny stuff, because a friend of mine’s dad stopped by for one of those relaxing massages, and freaking DIED. My friend and I were too young at the time to make a distinction between a Swedish massage and one of those local specials with a happy ending, so I don’t know what kind his dad actually got, but I have been afraid to get a massage ever since. People tell me I don’t know what I am missing, and then people like you point out that I may not be missing that much at all. This is the kind of conundrum that has not been resolved by age and wisdom, but it seems to me that by avoiding massages, I have so far managed to elude death. Seems like you just had a narrow escape. Best not to tempt fate with any more relaxation.

  46. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that perhaps you smell like you were beaten up by a Koala with a drinking problem. If you say that, then you can be like, “I was drinking water, the smell is from the Koala.”

  47. Dear, if you’re ever in the Seattle/Tacoma area over the next year, let me know. I’m a fantastic massage therapist and I promise not to beat the shit out of you. I didn’t earn the nickname Hands of God for nuthin’. But I’m moving to the British Virgin Islands next year to relax the shit out of chi-chi tourists while drinking rum punch on the beach on my days off. My job is rough.

  48. I have always thought massage was more painful than fun, except foot massage. All the other kinds are just sort of like being awkwardly poked by a total stranger who is also usually a hippie.

  49. I’m not sure I could cope with a session of push-you pull-me. If I’m going to stump up for someone to feel me up and rub oil all over me I except to be drifting off to sleep by the end of it, not fearing for my life. I have kids who can do that for me.

  50. One would think that a massage would be gentle, it’s anything BUT gentle. I actually get a little stressed before a massage, so I never get the “calming effect” post-massage.

  51. I got my first massage ever last year. The person performing the massage wasn’t a sadist, but that night, around 2:00 a.m., I hurled massively. No one told me until three days later to drink a lot, so I didn’t, and apparently those toxins were trying to get out of my body one way or another. It was all very unpleasant. I also completely gapped on tipping my masseuse so felt like a complete heel even though she made me puke.

    I hope your bruised, dislocated self gets back to normal soon. As for the drunk part, well, carry on.

  52. I go in for hot stone massage but there’s still a section where my massage therapist uses her hands. She is wicked cruel with those fingers. It really says something when you look forward to being pummeled with stones again.

    I should also mention that the first time I went to her a rock slipped out of her hand and smacked me in the forehead. She swears that is NOT how she usually gets people to relax.

  53. I got a doctor’s prescription for “therapeutic massage.” At the first session, the girl attacked my trigger points and said, “This will probably hurt for a couple of days. You better come back next week.” It did. But I went back. After a few sessions, you kinda get to liking it.

  54. Nice work! True story: I use Eucalyptus to mask the smell of cat liter in my guest bath. ‘Nother true story: apparently now people smell eucalyptus cat liter, but all I smell is the euc… its my worst nightmare. I am one of those people who doesn’t know her house smells funny.

  55. Tell you what. Next time tell the masseuse to use Vodka, instead of massage oil. That way your skin can get drunk AND get a massage. Plus, tell her….yes you have to get a her…..to use a very very very light touch. Like you’re massaging a baby bird……with vodka.

    I’m pretty sure the ‘toxins’ thing is total bullshit. Toxins are released thru your body normally in poop and sweat. Sooooo, drink what you want. Your liver is just going to filter it out the best it can and you’ll just smell like vodka and embarrassment for a day. Like usual.

  56. The only two times I’ve had massages I ended up bruised. Apparantly I’m a delicate little flower. So now I just stick to facials where they just rub your shoulders and sometimes my head (mmmmmmm) and manicures because they rub my arms and hands which is really what I like since I live at a keyboard. No one is touching my back again unless the whole situation has a happy ending.

  57. I have never even heard of those. Sound painful.

    Last week I was at the mall and saw the oddest thing. In the middle of the mall, there was some fat, hairy-backed shirtless dude leaning against an inclined bench with an Asian looking man massaging him….in front of everyone who was passing by. I had to do a double-take on that one.

  58. See, it sounds like you got ‘massaged’ by the Swedish Chef. That’s what scares the crap out of me about massages, I’ve seen him with tomatoes and I don’t want to be beat with a mallet. “Aweenda shmure da Bloggess’s legs. Börk Börk Börk!”

  59. The phrase “therapeutically drunk and sort of bruised and dislocated” describes most of my evenings. I’m going to steal that, ok? Except I’ll attribute the quote to you. But I don’t think my teddy bear will care.

  60. Thanks for helping me procrastinate! I think I’ll now go experiment with “booze-slushies” in the name of science and procrastinate even more!

  61. I choked when you said you felt like you were beaten up by a koala! Hilarious!

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  62. You should’ve told him he was hurting you and to stop. And I’m not sure you really even got a Swedish massage if it hurt.
    I’m a massage therapist and I always ask if my pressure is ok and I never pull and yank on anyone’s extremities.
    Too bad we don’t live closer, I’d show you how a real Swedish massage is supposed to feel.

  63. It is not just the Sweeds. I had a Japanese masseuse once nearly leave me crippled with her ‘chop’ technique. She claimed it was good to relax the body and relax the mind. In retrospect, cracking my spine and severing my spinal chord would have relieved all pain… Perhaps the relaxing part is supposed to be from the euphoria felt knowing the torture is over?

    Thanks for the laugh!

  64. Brilliant. And I totally sympathise, I don’t get how having your naked body rubbed down by a stranger is relaxing. And what’s the difference between a regular massage and Swedish one? Do they feed you meatballs afterwards? Do you flick through the Ikea catalogue while they massage you? No one knows.

    Well, I’m sure someone does. Probably someone who doesn’t make ridiculous sweeping statements about a whole country.

  65. I have a really ridiculously low pain tolerance so I don’t get massages anymore. Last time I did the woman didn’t speak enough English for me to be able to tell her that she needed to push softer so I (barely) walked out feeling like I had been worked over by the Mob. However my waxing lady does a fantastic scalp massage/aromatherapy treatment before she rips hair out of my lady bits. It’s very nice because it doesn’t hurt as bad if you’re relaxed. I always choose peppermint oil though since anything else screws with my allergies so bad that I end up bruised in my tender parts and unable to breath through my nose for a week.

  66. The swedes sound mean.

    Massages are only fun if your biggest concern is trying not to fall asleep so that you can enjoy all of it or thinking ‘damn, we’re already ten minutes in, soon it will be over and I’m going to be relaxed but sad.’

    Any other massage it just stupid.

  67. I don’t like people I don’t know touching me. So unless the person giving me the massage is up for dinner and a round of drinks before I hop on the table – say, three or four nights in a row first, I’m not easy – they can keep dreaming. YOU WISH, BUDDY. Everyone who’s ever tried to give me a massage says I’m “tense.” Damn right I’m tense. You’re GIVING ME A MASSAGE. And I’ll stay tense right up until you get your paws off me!

    My best friend gives great massages, but she got tired of being at my beck and call so she had two small children. Some people are really selfish.

    Also, maybe you DID get beaten by a koala. They might be dressing up as humans now to work out their aggression: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8oLu7znwQ0

  68. Silly Rabbit, deep tissue ( Swedish) massage is SUPPOSED to hurt. He’s working all the accumulated gunk/toxins out of your muscles! You’ll feel better tomorrow.

  69. If you are allergic to eucalyptus I strongly recommend that you do not ever go to Australia. Ever.

    A koala would never beat you up though. They are far too lazy. They only know how to do two things actually. Sleep and eat. That’s all.

    I always wanted a swedish massage but now I can save the money and just let my brother’s best friend drag me down the stairs again. Sounds about the same.

  70. One year for my best friend’s birthday I paid for us to have this elaborate ‘spa day’ and it included hour long massages – SUCH A TREAT , I thought! Except from beginning to end I really did think I would be paralyzed from the neck down. Being the awesome friend I am, I didn’t warn her (I went first) and just let her go on in after my massage. The whole thing was in Sherman Oaks, so I should have known better.

    It really is the gift that keeps on giving too, because you’ll probably be sore for the next week. And what with the allergic reaction and all…

    Hope your next one is actually relaxing!

  71. Be very careful of the feral farmer hands!!! Last time I got a massage I was so stressed about how much to tip that I forgot to enjoy the ride and left all too bruised, battered and oily. Then, on the way home I almost drove into a tree because my arms suddenly went limp from forced relaxation and financial uncertainty. Since then my fancy massages consist of a hot bath at home, a chocolate chip cookie, a clean pair of sweats and the New Yorker. Massages are overrated unless they are free. IN that case beat the shit out of me and call me in the morning!

  72. Skipping to the drunk part is my usual method of relaxation. Anxiety = Drunk is way better than Anxiety = Panic Attack. I don’t get massages anymore because the last time someone tried to massage my calves I almost kicked them in the face. Seriously. I just missed.

  73. That massage sounds like a little slice of heaven. It seems like having someone beat the crap out of me…especially if I was paying them…would make me forget all about any and all other stress.

  74. I’ve only been to a massage therapist once. That was all that was necessary for me to realize that I’m not a masochist and that happy endings should totally be legal because Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that?

    Shortened account of traumatic events:

    My jaw is prone to slowly coming out of place so that I kind of look like I have Bell’s Palsy when I talk or chew which are two things I’m constantly doing, sometimes simultaneously because I’m just that good. It also hurts to the point where I start to understand why death would be preferable.

    I walk in, take off my shirt after some internal debate on why I needed to be topless when my face hurts (that usually happens the other way around), and lie down to prepare for blissful relief.

    Massage therapist: Oh, you’re in agonizing pain? Okay. I’m just going to drill my fingers into your joints and neck repeatedly until you cry or passout, then you’ll feel better. Drink water. I wish she hadn’t been so specific about what I should be drinking.

  75. Dear Jenny,

    You could start a new support group called Rubbed The Wrong Way for everyone that got a little more than they wanted from their masseuse/masseur/anyone that rubbed you the wrong way.

    Sheer Genius!
    🙂
    -Tony

  76. I had my one and only massage the day before my wedding in Sri Lanka. My wife to be was beside me and i was horrified as this tiny Thai girl straddled and manhandled me for 40 mins. Nothing relaxing and i was concerned about certain “reactions” as a result of whispers in my ear – “is the pressure ok….?”

    *Gulp* – think of sports, think of sports…..

  77. I’ve learned long ago that deep-tissue massages were just an excuse to get the shit beaten out of you. No thanks. If I wanted to get my ass handed to me I would have picked up theater in middle school.

    Some other things to be aware of…
    Hot Stone Massage – a riveting game of how badly can we burn you in the name of relaxation. The answer, second degree!
    Bamboo Rod Massage – yup. they beat you with a rod. this isn’t a joke. beware. I had one on a Royal Carribean Cruise ship.
    Stretching Massage – this is an embarrassing game of naked gymnastics in which we all lose.

    Glad to Help!
    Jeff

  78. Swedish massages make me feel like an ingredient to the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. No bueno. If I knew how to say no good in Swedish I’d say that.

  79. I don’t know who this guy was, but I can’t believe that he put eucalyptus oil all over you, especially on your face. If it wasn’t diluted quite a bit, no wonder you turned red. That stuff can burn you. How long has he been practicing? I also can’t bellieve that he would be so rough on someone when it was her first massage and especially someone with RA. Did he take any history or ask any questions about your health? I have been a massage therapist for 12+ years so I kinda know what I’m talking about here. Swedish massage is usually fairly light pressure and doesn’t usually include stretching and pulling.

  80. Meggles…my guess is that you were on the verge of being sick and the massage sped the process up by loosening up all the toxins you already had incubating. I had that happen to me one time when my partner had brought the flu home and I got a massage. I was sicker than a dog in about 4 hours. I don’t like to work on anyone who feels that they might be getting sick or if they are just recovering from a cold or other illness.

  81. I have been for two massages in my life. One, Swedish, I felt like had been pummelled by a nasty gang of smurfs, the other, Shiatsu, where my ticklish tendencies went berserk and I cackled and twisted for a half hour before calling the whole thing off. So not for me…

  82. The next time you want a massage come to upstate New York. I’ll leave you purring. A swedish massage done right is Awesome. Scented oils are silly.

  83. I had one of the most aggressive massages in my life in Houston at a spa near River Oaks. I was bruised for weeks afterwards. If you were in Houston, maybe it was the same guy. It was a birthday present that I never forgot. A gift that kept on giving, if you will.

  84. Okay, I am a month from graduating from massage therapy school and that guy did it all wrong.

    That’s right, not really telling you anything you didn’t know already.

    But if we should find ourselves in the same place, I would gladly give you a free massage. Except that the locale where I can picture this happening is the ladies room and that shit is just unhygienic.

  85. I guess I am not trusting enough to have a stranger touch me or in your case torture you. Many of my friends find a massage relaxing. Just can’t go there given my luck and all it would probably resemble your experience. I think for me is to work out until I am exhausted and can feel stressed about much of anything. Your post gave me a good laugh but feel bad that it was at your expense.

  86. I’ve never had a professional massage. I think its because I’m afraid I’d get turned on and that might be inappropriate…might be.

  87. i know EXACTLY what you mean.

    i went through a really stressful time a few months ago and decided to treat myself to a massage when the stressful period was over. the massage was SO PAINFUL and STRESSFUL that i nearly cried at the end of it because it was so disappointing.

    my masseuse kept pushing REALLY hard on my neck, and my friend later told me that she was trying to drain my lymphnodes. seriously?! what the what?!

  88. Massages are TERRIFYING. I can’t imagine the kind of bruises I would have if I’d ever actually paid for one. Occasionally I have been given free massages and the fact that it was free makes me feel more okay about saying “um please stop that I am done now.”

    But ugh. Bruises. Every once in a while I flail and whack my boyfriend with my arm or leg or whatever and I always end up with a ridiculous bruise and he’s always fine. So, like, right now I have this big bruise on my elbow from when I elbowed him in the face the other day. And people probably think *he’s* the abusive one. (Neither of us is actually abusive. Just severely lacking in manual coordination.)

  89. I remember my first and only massage fondly. It felt so good. Except for the oil in my hair. Messy. And the ticklish knees. Who knew. I wonder why that was my last? Must rectify soon.

    Also, no one tried to murder me so that’s a plus!

  90. A stranger touching my body would weird me out. Bruising, pain, and possible hives are just a few more reasons never to try a massage.

    On the subject of paying people to beat you up, next week I have to go for a corrective jaw surgery. Or as I call it, “break your face” surgery. I’m having trouble believing that anything that will leave me looking like a pummeled boxer is good for me.

  91. I just read that a beer after working out does more to help you retain fluids and recover than sports drinks. That’s like hearing that high priced call girls want to pay me for sex.

  92. I just came across you on Twitter, which led me to your website – and I have to say, you had me HOWLING with laughter! I’m still laughing right now, which makes me feel slightly bad, that I’m laughing at your pain.

    Ha-larious post! I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic experience for your first massage. You really should try it again – maybe next time, drink first?

  93. Ole boy sounds like he hasn’t been massaging very long. Sounds like he was trying to mix different styles of massage and aromatherapy and failed miserably. It took me four years to get my best friend (an LMT) to use the right pressure on me. I never knew I could tell her to lighten up, she just finally realized if she pressed too hard I’d tighten back up and made the connection. The scapula thing? The first time she tried to get under mine I freaked out, but once I let go and she could actually get under there, it was the only way to get the tension from my shoulders. Don’t let this one guy steer you away from massage! Find someone that has been doing it for a few years and uses lotion instead of essential oils (I’m betting he didn’t dilute the eucalyptus, the schmuck). Oh, and don’t be afraid to tell them how much pressure you need, either. Swedish massage should never hurt.

  94. Okay, first of all what the fuck is a Swedish massage? Because I was born in Sweden, and I’ve never heard of that one. Okay, so Kikipedia (I don’t know why I’m calling it that, maybe just because I can) tells me that ‘Swedish’ massage is only recognized in English or Dutch speaking countries. So you speak Dutch, right? See? That’s why it was sold for you as ‘Swedish massage’.

    It sounded more like he (the guy who did the massage thing for you, I assume he was guy) was just trying to be a koala himself and was looking a partner to mate with. That’s why the eucalyptus came into the game. He failed, and thus asked you to get drunk afterwards, so you would forget the whole mating event.

    I have been a couple times to a massage as well. I get always massaged by some chubby older lady, who seems to be an escapee from German national shot putter team. They are always a bit grumpy, like “Okay, boy what you want?!!” and I’m like “My back hurts….” and then they slam me onto the table and start to torture my skinny body. I’ve always thought massage is supposed to hurt. Fuck S&M, just go to get a massage, if you’re into that pain shit.

    Oh, and those German shot putter massage ladies can bench press more than I ever could. Not that piece of information is any relevant to you, but I wanted to end with that. Sorry. And thanks.

  95. You really have to be careful with amateur chiropractors. They can seriously fuck up your shit.

    At least he DID something for your money, though. My wife just got an “Ayurvedic Massage” at a spa which consisted of being rubbed down with sesame oil and then placed on a bed and told to “relax for the next 30 minutes.”

    Then the masseuse left the room. My wife left the room 30 minutes later smelling like Japanese food.

  96. I want one!

    My birthday was Saturday and all I wanted was a massage.

    I got a burger from Hardee’s (Carl’s Jr) that I ended up paying for myself.

  97. I love massages, but I’m usually so stressed out about farting that they think they need to work the tension out of my glutes, which makes me want to fart even worse. *sigh* It’s a vicious circle.

  98. during my one and only massage the massage therapist said, “would you like to massage your breasts?” I declined since my breasts hardly have any discernible muscle tone. Seriously?? buncha freaks…

  99. I’ve not had a Swedish massage. I did have a massage recently though. The masseuse was a hefty Chinese guy who I assume was trying to extricate some top secret information from me. I had actual bruises the next day. It makes me wonder if I’m a closet masochist.

  100. Normally I’m a massage fan, but once my BF gifted me his weekly spot with this giant blonde woman. I’m not sure what form of massage she practiced, but she kept talking about all the triathletes she worked on, so I’m pretty sure that all of her other clients were a lot more in shape and limber than me. She kept taking my head and sort of folding it down onto my chest to stretch my spine muscles, which, after 10 years as a graphic designer, were admittedly kind of seized. They were too seized for her though – I left in excruciating pain and stayed in pain for 3 weeks. She called me to schedule my next appointment and it was all I could do to keep from yelling at her.

  101. I also don’t believe in letting strangers touch me if it can be at all avoided. However, I did once pay $100 for acupuncture (on the referral of a doctor) and not only did she reduce me to a whimpering mess by “rubbing” (pushing like death darts) my pressure points then she really did stab me with a bajillion needles. Next time a doctor suggests something like that I’ll just roll over some hot gravel naked. Equal amount of pain, can spend the $100 on something that will make me feel better.

  102. Ohh, that was the laugh I needed today….sorry you’re bruised. I, too, am very interested in having a similar massage but I am a great lover of pain…

    Now, if I could only get friggin’ Comment Luv to work, you could read “Party. Ketchup. Boobs.”

  103. Next time do the drinking BEFORE being almost smothered…. this way maybe when his hands start coming towards you, you’ll actually think he IS a koala bear and you’ll be thinking more about what he’s keeping in his pouch than the dislocation of your arm.

    Oh wait…. on second thought, maybe that’s not actually better…..

  104. So when you say “booze-slushie”- do you mean frozen Franzia when you have to cut the bag open and squeeze it out? Frozen margarita? Vodka and some mixer and a ton of ice that you have thrown into a blender and just crushed the heck out of? Elaborate, please.

  105. I have an industrial snow-cone machine in the kitchen. It is my one luxury and I cannot live without it. Snow cone plus amaretto plus chambord = booze slushie

  106. I get insanely tense before my massages. And now that I’ve seen my massage-giving lady in social situations [i.e. brunch and a wedding, not that we’re dating. I mean, she’s nice, but I’ve got that whole already married thing going on and I’m not Mormon.] I haven’t made another appointment because as weird as it is to pay someone to touch you while you’re pretty much naked, it’s even weirder after you’ve shared a raspberry crepe with them.

  107. I found your blog today and have been reading your archives. Hilarious! The first time I got a massage I spent the first 20 minutes thinking “She better not be enjoying touching me”…and then the next 20 trying to figure out how to breathe through my stuffed up nose from laying on my stomach and the overwhelming ordor of those oils she had been using. So all in all, out of about 45 minutes – I had a nice, peaceful, relaxing 5 minutes!

  108. I got a massage while I was in China where the woman appeared to be trying to decapitate me. I told her (as best I could, not speaking Mandarin) that all the tightness was in my lower back, but man, she went nuts on my lower NECK. I couldn’t turn my head for 2 days.

  109. The woman who does my massages is rough on me, but only if I ask her to be. She’s good like that, lol.
    Jenny, you really should try to find someone good because RA is murder on your muscles as well as joints just because your pain causes a lot of muscle tension as does the way your muscles compensate for for lack of motion in joints. Maybe you can trade ad space for regular rubdowns by an actually talented massage therapist. (Your rheumy might even be able to recommend someone.) Look for someone who has an NCBTMB certification. http://www.ncbtmb.org/consumers_find_practitioner.php
    As for slushies? Our regular vacation town doesn’t allow alcohol on the beach so we mix tequila and cheap-ass margarita mix (no real margaritas–not white trash enough!!), pour it into empty Gatorade bottles, freeze, pack in the beach cooler, let defrost for about 10 minutes and shake and voila! White trash incognito margaritas. The fake yellow of the bottled mixes is an almost match for “yellow flavored” Gatorade. NOTE: Trying to swim out to play with the dolphins after consumption of WTIMs is not recommended or endorsed.

  110. I’ve never had a professional massage in my life, but really wanted one before my wedding (cuz…guh). This terrifies me! I mean…I have zero qualms with people touching me while I’m naked, pain, or manhandling (giggity), but imho a massage probably shouldn’t leave you bruised or hives-y. Just yipes. Perhaps I should try out a specific massage therapist BEFORE they day I also have to lace into a strapless gown… Thanks for the warning!! 😀

  111. Jenny this is the best thing I have ever damn seen. I for REAL had to stop three times to catch my breath while reading this from laughing so hard. I’m just gonna be balls out here and proclaim you Chief Minister of Internet Amusement. Thank you for being both alive and funny at the same time.

  112. So I work at a spa and this is *by far* the best description of a massage I’ve ever heard…

    I shall be submitting this blog post to my boss to be placed in the “description” section of our website. I’m sure it will increase business 10 fold.

    We will of course pay you in shoulder dislocations and koala beatings. We will also pummel your body with rocks and then, as a bonus we dunk you in hot wax… for FREE. Trust me, it’s very relaxing.

  113. The only massage that works is the “would you be a dear and rub my belly because I just ate three burritos” massage. The rest are just sadomasochists lying to us about the relaxing benefits while they get to live out their fantasies…it’s true google it.

  114. lmbo, so sorry for you. i am allergic to eucalyptus, so i would have had skin reactions as well as trouble breathing. i once was in a mall where the massage guys were “offering” a free 5 minute massage. My hubby was like do it. As soon as that dude put his hands on me i was overcome with the worst pain sensations. It was as if he had deliberately hit all the nerves in my body in the wrong way. I yelled at him to stop and told him that was awful and walked away.

  115. I bet a massage feels really nice. A regular massage. All relaxy and floaty. I’m scared to try one, though, because the one and only time I did, it was turned out to be what I know now was a “deep tissue massage” which, by definition, hurts. They aren’t doing it right unless the victim, er, client is begging for her life. And they yell, “BREATHE THROUGH THE PAIN!” As effing if.

  116. if you were getting a hair cut, and the stylist was about to chop your hair off at the roots, would you keep quiet? hell no! would you let a waiter pour ketchup all over that prime rib? the carpet cleaners dump chlorine bleach on your wool carpet? if the guy at the dry cleaners says he’s going to boil your favorite cashmere sweater to get it clean, would you just nod your head in agreement? mucho hell no!

    LOL – speak up, peoples!!! and if the massage therapist won’t listen, stand up, walk out, and don’t pay the bill – just as you would for any service profession that is screwing up the service you are going to shell out your hard earned money for 🙂

  117. i love it… i had a similar experience… i was completely wondering why people enjoyed paying to get the crap beat out of them with essential oils. sometimes i think i want to become a massage therapist just to beat the shit out of people and have a valid excuse except that i’d have to touch gross naked people who maybe haven’t taken a bath in days and are covered in backne… *shudder*

  118. Omg…that was funny. You have a great way with words. Now seriously, I have been a massage therapist for 8 years. Whoever did your massage should have customized your massage to you. Always as the preferred pressure…if you don’t know cause you have never had a massage…work you way in slowly. I understand stretching, however I think it should be used minimally. You pay for a massage, not to be stretched. Also, it think aromatherapy is awesome, we give you a choice of scents to pick. I would have said, take three slow deep cleansing breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Not, “Smell.” Just doesn’t sound relaxing at all. And as for the oils, we only use all natural oils. The odds of an allergic reaction is nil. Not to mention he should have asked about allergies. Lastly, massage no matter how deep, should NEVER hurt afterwards much less bruise you. THe only time that should happen at all is if you get a medical massage from a chiropractors office. Even then, you can give a deep tissue massage without hurting someone.

    So bottom line to all of you that have had similar experiences and to those of you that have been scared away from even trying massage. You have to find the right fit as far as massage therapist go. It’s like finding a doctor, you have to find the one that fits your needs. Don’t let one bad experience stop you from something that can help your health and well being. Just move on to another massage therapist till you find one that you like and fits your needs. 🙂

  119. i am laughing out loud while my husband is asleep next to me. i’m late to the party and just discovered you when your “beyonce chicken” post was forwarded to me. so i’m catching up on some of your other posts and am not ashamed to admit i’m in love with you.

  120. I agree with you there Andrea. I’m a massage therapist and you shouldn’t be sore after a Swedish Massage. Move on to another therapist, specify that you don’t like deep pressure and any allergies you may have. Test any oils on a small patch of skin before they apply them to your entire body or circulate it in the air. Drink lots of water, you’ll feel much better. To the person that ended up with the flu, if you were on the verge of getting sick or just got over it, massage can bring on the illness that you had but just didn’t know it yet, or make you feel like you are still sick from it. Lots of toxins and fluids are released in the massage process, that’s why water is so important.

  121. where the heck are you getting your massages? this in definitely not the way any of my clients would report thier session as going…unless of course they requested a super-painful deep-tissue massage…jeez!

  122. I feel you. Once I had a masseuse insist on rubbing out a ‘knot’ in my *shinbone* that I kept explaining was a bruise.

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