FINALLY, CDC.

If you strive for constant vigilance the way I (and most of the readers of this blog) do then you are already aware that the Center for Disease Control has finally released recommendations on how to prepare yourself for the  zombie apocalypse.  Most of their tips are fairly good but their list of suggested supplies are embarrassingly silent on the need for riot guns, swords, suspenders, and flame-throwers.  And this is why today I agreed to be interviewed by The Washington Post about the impending zombie apocalypse.  To pick up the slack of the CDC.

It’s all right here.  You’re welcome.

PS.  I just want to point out that I never get invited to go on Oprah or The Today Show to discuss important world events, but I have become a media darling regarding zombies, pissing off William Shatner and using taxidermied boar heads to save Christmas.

Mission accomplished.

Me, as I assume I will look two months into the zombie apocalypse. But not because I've been eaten. More likely because I'll accidentally cut off my own arm. I'm just really clumsy.

132 thoughts on “FINALLY, CDC.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Thank god you’re looking out for us.

    Or is this some sort of plot to get us all killed with the irresponsible use of chainsaws and flamethrowers?

  2. maybe you should get a flamethrower manufacturer to sponsor the Xanax. We will all need one, they might as well advertize here.

  3. hey, i think it’s a great look! perhaps we should all get a jump on things and just embrace the zombification.

  4. Finally, the Washington Post has some useful information. PS – I hope William Shatner dies in the zombie apocalypse but doesn’t come back as a zombie. Zombie Shatner seems more terrifying than human Shanter… if that is possible…

  5. They don’t include riot guns, swords, or flamethrowers? Are they trying to get people killed?!

    Oh, no, you can just show them a “copy of your driver’s license” and they won’t eat you!

  6. hahaha…i actually spend a great deal of my time trying to learn how to deal with disasters. Mine are usually more “war of the worlds” type things with aliens. For my birthday, i’m learning to use a crossbow and also, i will be practicing hot wiring a car.

    That’s pretty much my entire comment. Oprah sucks…i wrote to her too.

  7. I’m really fearful the upcoming rapture is going to be full of a lot of zombies. I have to admit, I’ve been reading you for years, but didn’t buy this whole zombie business and didn’t prepare. I now only have two days left, I need zombie fighting boot camp 101. I’m mainly worried about the whole being eaten alive thing. Do you think if I pretend to be a zombie, they’ll think I am one? I’m counting on your zombie expertise to get me through. I don’t trust the CDC, and I also think I’m coming down with a case of Ebola. Pretty much, I’m freaking out here.

  8. I never thought about the ramifications of swords vs guns in a zombie apocalypse. (*a* not *the* as I am sure there will be more than one, although the word *apocalypse* seems to indicate only one…hmmm). Thanks for the brilliant, well-thought out insight. You should run the zombie divsion of the CDC…maybe that could be a shorty award next year: blog most likely to survive a zombie attack

  9. I disagree with their recommendation to pack hygiene products and a passport. Seriously, do I look like a zombie? No? Then damned if I ain’t getting on that f’ing plane.

    TSA: “Sir, you can’t escape on this last plane without proof of identification.”
    Me: “Did I eat your brains just now?”
    TSA: “No, sir.”
    Me: “Just you wait.”

    So because the TSA guy isn’t letting me on, the zombies are obviously going to eat me so WHY WOULD I NEED TO HAVE GOOD HYGIENE FOR THIS? If my last hurrah is giving a zombie the case of the shits because I didn’t wash my balls, then that’s what I’m doing, goddammit. Hygiene be damned.

  10. Thank you, Jenny, for your highly valuable and completely entertaining advice on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Since you’re always looking for new ways to earn money, might I suggest that you get into the home guillotine business. As you pointed out, beheading is the only real cure.

  11. I’m now convinced that the Australian Government doesn’t really care about us, their (compulsorily) voting public. Why aren’t they preparing for this? Come to think of it, are they prepared for the Rapture? What about Towel Day?
    Looks like I’m going to spend my day off picketing my local Member of Parliament’s office, protesting our lack of preparedness for Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture.

  12. There is no one whom I’d rather follow into a battle against the zombies more than you. And that’s saying a lot. Of something. I’m not exactly sure what.

  13. I’ve never been asked to be on Oprah as well. But William Shatner makes me puke. If one more geeky man shouts “Kaaahhhhnnn” I will feed him to the zombies myself.

  14. You need suspenders to what? Distract the zombies with your sexy stockings while Victor cuts off their heads with his katana? Oh, American suspenders. Never mind.

    I’ve had Blondie’s Rapture going round my head for the past three days. Even XKCD’s got in on the act. Hey, maybe it’s the real thing? Good thing I keep an ax handy.

  15. I am preparing for zombie warfare by stocking up on monacles and top hats and ball gowns and football uniforms, because that is what my favorite zombies are always wearing in the movies.

    I don’t think the CDC is fully preparing us for what we want to be wearing as zombies. Think about it – you’re stuck wearing that until someone removes your head or destroys your brains. You don’t want to lurch around in stained sweatpants, do you? Be swanky.

  16. Omg, I sent the link of the Washington Post article to my friend. She took one look at the headline and said, without further prompting, “omg, did The Bloggess see this yet?” BEYOND AWESOME.

  17. too awesome! Glad folks are finally opening their eyes to these totally plausible attacks. Makes my heart smile. Ye, my heart has lips and teeth, duh, who’s doesn’t?

  18. I keep telling people to stock up on Hubba Bubba bubble gum. That shit has a zillion uses. Ok. Maybe just a million.

  19. Tax dollars well spent.

    Also, in addition to being prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, I see you are also prepared in the event you become a zombie, what with that whole hat-and-flower ensemble. It would be just plain embarrassing to turn into a zombie while wearing a bathrobe and/or stained t-shirt. Good call.

  20. I’m not one to pimp other people’s products but on S.I.R. last week i heard about zaico.com… hello, zombie insurance!

  21. Well I just can’t trust any Zombie Apocalypse advice that doesn’t include flamethrowers. Unless of course it’s a list suggestions aside from the obvious stuff you already have on hand. I mean when doesn’t a flamethrower come in handy?!

  22. Totally Oprah’s loss, Jenny. 🙂 And you’re absolutely right, high school over again would be way worse than a Zombie Apocalypse….

  23. Great. Now I’m terrified of a cholera outbreak brought on by the zombie apocolypse. I mean, c’mon – you know those zombies aren’t up on their vaccinations.

  24. You should really try and stop chewing off the ends of your fingers.

    Wait… are there self-eating zombies? Would that be better or worse than a regular zombie? I think better.

  25. Am i the only person who’s noticied that the holy day of the rapture (THIS SATURDAY!!!) and now the cdc’s zombie survival guide came out so close together???
    the truth is finally out there: Jesus IS coming back after 2,011 years of recluting his very own zombie army, to destroy humankind for all our evil actions and creating 31 flavors of delicious ice cream and chin strap on dildos. Just a guess.
    Ps: Is it dildos or dildoes? I guess we’ll never have the chance to find out.

  26. I am disappointed that the CDC did not mention any sort of weapons to eradicate the zombie filth from my lawn. Also, really CDC? You give us no suggestions for how to survive the apocalypse but transition nicely into what to do in other emergencies that vaguely suggest you want me and my family to meet at the mailbox during zombie apocalypse? It’s funny because previous suggestions did not include slathering up in BBQ sauce for this inevitable death wish.

  27. This is going on my list of things to prepare for. I don’t see how the CDC can think a first aid kit will help against zombies. “oh sweetheart, you’ve been bitten. Let me put some ointment and a cute Band aid on that while we wait for you to turn into a brain munching monster.” Nice try CDC. Are we sure THEY aren’t zombies? Why else would they give us a half ass supply list? Where have all of those brains gone? “Research”? uh huh…Further investigation must be done.

  28. *fist bumps* Obviously WaPo has great taste in who they interview. Though they did forget to mention the important roll of ukuleles in the zombie apocalypse. Amateurs.

  29. You know the craft shoes on PBS? Where the knit and whatnot? You totally need one of those but instead of macrame you would build weapons for the zombie apocalypse using everyday materials. I would watch that show. I would DVR it and watch it every damn day at 4:20 PM.

  30. That’s fucking IT! I’m sick of your racism jenny! Zombies are people too.

  31. I like how they want you to meet up by your mailbox. So you’re out in the open where your zombie friends and neighbors can find you easily to eat your brains.

  32. Great. Now that the government is finally acknowledging the pending zombie apocalypse I am no longer going to be able to delude myself into thinking it is all just a big joke.

    Zombies are not funny and not I will be having nightmares.

  33. HA! Nice try Jenny! I see how you get us all lined up to the FRONT of the line so that when the apocolypse comes, we’ll all get chewed to bits ahead of you. Wily woman…

  34. This is the first time I have ever felt a great deal of comfort in the fact that my MIL bought my husband all sorts of Greek swords growing up and now we are forced to house them in our home. I always felt they were ridiculous, but now I sort of feel like they might save my life. Thanks Jenny!

    And why isn’t Oprah contacting you for more info on your ah-ha moments? Tragedy.

  35. Right with you on the oh-my-god-I’m-back-in-high-school fear. Ugh. That’s what Hell will be for me, a never-ending gym class right after lunch, complete with all the bullies that ever made me miserable.

  36. I was in Seattle last week. I actually think that’s where the outbreak will start, from tourist kissing those dead fish at the Market. Nothing more sick than tonguing a Coho on your vacation.

  37. I have been waiting for the zombie apocalypse for a long time, my plan ready and waiting.
    I am glad we finally have a poster girl who can make sure that everyone is as prepared as I am (mainly so that when my supplies run low I can steal them… but still.)

  38. Jenny, thank God for you. I mean, if you weren’t stepping up right now we’d all be up s**t creek without a paddle.

    BUT there’s still one question which no one is able to answer: do zombies run or shuffle? I need to know because if they run, that means I’ll have to run away from them, which means I’ll get tired incredibly quickly. If they shuffle, then I can casually stroll away from them (easier, less exhausting).

    Please help.

  39. You forgot to have at least five fail safes for who is going to kill you once you become a zombie. A very important steps, you must also make sure they have the tools necessary to do so.

  40. Um, I didn’t see any mention of sunflowers, walnuts, or pea-shooting plants. Obviously, the CDC has not done their homework; any four year old with Mommy’s iPad can tell you that zombies will munch on your sweet vegetation before having your brains for dessert.

  41. I totally sent my people the lionk and then blogged about it (http://sunshinewonderland.com/?p=656) but also -all i can think about is, if they are promoting a fictional scenario, does that mean there really is a chance it can happen? Are there some testing going on and herd of zombies somewhere out in Arizona? Mind boggling. Great interview!

  42. I have a very detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse. It includes the arsenal that my husband and I have built up and taking over the grocery store across the street from my house. I know how many sheets of steel I need to reinforce every window/door of the building and I have already set up plans for the order that food would need to be eaten in order to make the most of everything…. It will be my fortress. We will take in other survivors, but they will follow my rules or else they go back outside…………..

  43. FYI: Speaking of Seattle, there’s a perfect spot amongst all the bridges, where if we lure all the zombies there, we can kill them all off at once. My sister pointed it out to me. It’s the best spot to fight. Just saying.

  44. Wow! Good thing I lived in a teepee for six months when I was young so I now know how to live in hiding in the mountains if I need to! (Yes, I can actually use a knife to make bows and arrows)

    I will have on the ready…three samurai swords, one machete, two lawnmower blades (google “sling blade”),
    one hand-held crossbow, several throwing stars (more as a method to slow down the fuckers), some shovels – sharpened so as to be useful in beheading, and about 50 well-sharpened woodcarving tools – some of which are suitable for throwing. I will also have plenty of gasoline on hand if there happens to be a human around who knows how to build a blowtorch out of random household and grill parts. Actually, I’m kind of surprised my shed hasn’t exploded into a deadly shrapnel spewing fireball, lol.

    Anyone who would like to meet up and form a “Zombie Squad” is welcome to contact me.

    PS – We also have on hand various power tools and electric saws, and two 100ft extension cords.

  45. My brother and I had a recent heated debate in McDonalds regarding the ethics behind killing loved ones should they become zombiefied. I could see people out the corner of my eye listening in. My favourite thing in the world was the looks on their faces when they realised what our very serious conversation was in fact about.

    It was that day I realised that people do not take the threat of Zombie attacks seriously enough.

  46. Ok, that’s just awesome! What a freaking riot! What about vegetarian zombies? Do we kill them? I mean, they’re all about Graaaaaaaainnnnnnns…

  47. It is refreshing to see our government is finally taking this seriously. Oh, and um… You’ve got red on you.

  48. I think the real question is..

    Once “Judgement Day” occurs and the rapture takes all of God’s chosen people. Do the ones who are chosen become the zombies or is it the ones who are left? Although, I suppose if it’s truly the end of the world, this is sort of a chicken vs egg conundrum

  49. Glad they knew who was the REAL expert on the Zombie Apocalypse threat.

    And a big Amen! to the idea that going back in time to redo high school would be worse. I’d rather have a Zombie pet.

  50. You *TOTALLY* forgot the whole “Wil Wheaton Collating paper” thing… That was a crowning achievement if I’ve ever known on..

    Of course I’ve never had a crowning achievment so I’ll have to live vicariously through yours.

  51. All I know is that they ALREADY have zombie safehouses here in LA- I have seen the window stickers on my way to work. And know what? they are FOR the Zombies, not to protect us FROM them. And when I took a picture, they KNEW IT. then knew it….

  52. Important info, once again. Thanks Bloggess. I have prepared myself by trading all my forks for knives with my neighbours (clearly they’re not aware of the impending zombie apocalypse).

  53. OMG I totally saw the tweet from the CDC about zombies! (Yes, I know I’m a huge nerd for following the CDC on Twitter). Although their recommendations may be far from comprehensive at least they are finally recognizing the threat that zombies pose to life as we know it.

  54. i just realized that I MUST have Lasik on my eyes before the Zombie Apocalypse. I’m blind as a bat and guess what? There will be no contacts or new glasses when the Zombies take over!! Lasik just beat out a boob job. Thanks paranoia, thanks.

  55. Dont feel bad about Oprah, she ignored my constant requests to be adopted by her… and to think I was totally willing to hand wash her lace front, call her mama and ignore those “funny sounds” when she and Gale was behind closed doors.
    As for William Shatner… once an asshole, always an asshole.

  56. So, that was a pretty amazing interview. This might have been my favorite line: “Zombies and tornadoes have a surprising amount in common.”
    I had crazy, scary tornado dreams last night. Then today, two vultures landed on the back porch at the house where I’m staying. Then I saw a truck with Panda Ninja painted on the back of it. The end is definitely nigh. Go to Seattle while you can.

  57. Wish I hadn’t read your answer to question 7. Now I’ll have nightmares that I have to go back in time and relive high school.

  58. That might be worse than the dream I had last night in which there was a housing development on the side of Endhanted Rock.

  59. Dear Jenny,

    You could make a killing endorsing all the Zombie Survival goods out there.

    Just saying, right now…people are buyin. 😉

    -Tony

  60. Excellent interview Jenny. More people need to start paying attention to you. Perhaps you will be eligible for a job at the CDC now. You’ll have to finish your book first, so we hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t happen before then. I’ll bet when you’re their spokesperson you will be able to give lots for helpful advice for many different kinds of emergencies (confidence wigs, supplies needed for burying dogs that don’t attract vultures, etc.).

    BTW, We don’t have any swords, but I think there’s a flamethrower around somewhere. Thanks for the tip.

  61. Oh geez, I just had a zombie/vampire (the lines were blurred in dreamland) dream last night while on a night train. Watch out for hairless stocky dogs with green eyes. Terrifying.

  62. They were talking about it on the news tonight here in hawaii. It was cool cause I just got done reading about it on your blog!

  63. I’m glad someone is dealing with this, although I’m not totally convinced on the zombie front. You should have mentioned kill them with cabaret in your post. That works.

  64. Well, all I can say is, if the Zombie Apocalypse is gonna get here, it had damn well better hurry up, seeing as the End of the World is happening tomorrow and all…

    ~EdT.

  65. favorite line?

    “Zombies and tornadoes have a surprising amount in common.”

    hands down.

  66. One of these would be perfect for your garden, Jenny:

    http://tinyurl.com/5shh5ty

    You could use it as an indirect way of *warning* potential zombies to back off so that they know you are on to them, whilst worrying your neighbours. All at the same time.

    ps: You’ve probably already got one anyway- you’re all over the zombie shiz, it seems.

  67. So glad our government is on the ball. I think I’ll send the IRS extra money this year.

  68. Well, I’d read the damn WP article, except it seems that either Jenny single handedly crashed the WP site, or the Zombie Apocalypse/Rapture/Other disaster of your choice has started. Either way, awesome!

  69. It was INSANE how many “official” reports I was getting regarding Zombies this week. My BOSS even sent me a damn article, which I suppose was kind of cool but really interrupted my active zombie killing practice. He’s asked me to quit installing games on work computers but I think this link proves he wasn’t serious.

  70. Perhaps I had the wrong response to the CDCP’s announcement, but rather than fear for my life at the coming zombie apocalypse, I thought of you, Jenny. You are a prophet. You can be bigger than Oprah! Well, not physically … that woman can put on weight like heard of wild buffalo. You rock!

  71. I am torn: do I prepare for the zombie apocalypse or the End of the World? I guess both call for a larger bottle of red.

  72. So is that what is going to happen to those of us who aren’t raptured tomorrow? If so, I am totally going to cancel my 11:30pm repentance appointment.

  73. Please help!

    My boyfriend and I were discussing what tool we would want to have on a deserted island and I said a hammer so I could build things, open coconuts, and protect my self from the cannibals.

    He says if there were cannibals then it wouldn’t be a deserted island. I say all deserted islands have cannibals.

    Who is right?

  74. I saw the WaPo article because it is one the most mailed ones. I started reading it and thought, “I should totally forward this to the Bloggess” but then saw how you were interviewed. Clearly, you’ve made it when the Washington Post considers you the go-to source on zombies.

  75. Finally made it to the WP article – way to go Jenny! I always knew your zombie-fighting skills would come in handy for us all (except the, er, born-again christians who will avoid the zombie apocalypse after the Rapture tomorrow) . . .

  76. Also, since I’m a former born-again christian, I contemplated whether I should repent before the Rapture tomorrow. I think being eaten by zombies is preferable.

  77. I think I’d have a chance against the zombies – I mean, I could still get to the grocery store and buy/steal food and stuff, right? Isn’t that what they did with the zombies in Shawn of the Dead? Make them work as customer service employees?

    Otherwise it’s my trusty bottle of wine and sleeping pills plan.

  78. One should have a pre-made supply of these, when the end is near:
    The Zombie

    1/2 ounce white rum
    1 1/2 ounces golden rum (Appleton is one of the most reliable brands to use here, bringing a nice balance of sweet and spice without being overbearing)
    1 ounce dark rum (The Lash adds a great slug of ginger and molasses to the mix, balancing the tang of the citrus)
    1/2 ounce 151-proof rum (Bacardi 151 is generally the go-to bottle here, but any over-proof rum will do since the heat of the alcohol tends to drown out any nuance)
    1 ounce lime juice
    1 teaspoon pineapple juice
    1 teaspoon papaya juice
    1 teaspoon superfine sugar

    Stir all of the ingredients together, except the over-proof rum, and pour into a tall glass filled most of the way with ice. Then take a spoon and submerge it just to the brim and slowly pour the 151 into the bowl of the spoon to float the rum on top. Then simply light that beast for dramatic effect, or self-defense, as needed. After a couple of these, the end of the world as we know it won’t seem nearly as bad.

  79. Glad to see you’re ready for the zombie hordes. I’m thinking now, as a parent, I’d prefer a zombie apocalypse. No need to pack zombies snacks, fewer playdates, no need to get zombies into car seats.

  80. The sword is genius because the last guy, who is responsible for closing the door on all the zombies, he always runs out of ammo. Then the zombies eat his face off. And then they run over his limp, lifeless body.

    If only he had a sword.

  81. Wow….saying that you had an army backing you on that was an understatement. Very impressive, not to mention some of the tweets are hilarious.

  82. When I get bitten and turn into a Zombie, I’m going after my douchebag brother-in-law but I’ll pass on his brains. I’m afraid if I eat his brains, I’ll turn into a douchebag Zombie and that will just suck.

  83. How can everyone still be thinking about the Zombie Apocalypse when The Raptor[s] [are] coming tomorrow?! Seriously. We have more pressing things to worry about right now. Unless they’re zombie raptors, in which case we are FUCKED.

  84. Is the zombie apocalypse going to be held at the same time as The Rapture, or are these events one and the same? Geez apocalypse is a hard word to spell. After 6 attempts of trying I finally just had to scroll up and copy/paste it in.

  85. The zombies have already started taking over. My (evil) Mother called today and actually started the convo with “This is in regards to…” I think the zombies stole her brain because I almost hung up on her…thought it was a creditor zombie. 🙂

  86. You make a damn good zombie. I mean that in the most caring way.

    But as a zombie rights activist, I’m pretty excited about this whole apocalypse business. Assuming the Rapture doesn’t screw things up for the equal rights for the undead movement.

  87. I saw your Wash Post interview, too. I think it’s safe to say that you are the foremost zombie scholar now.

  88. Come to Seattle, you will like it here..we have a wall of gum….a troll that lives under a bridge…and a naked bicycle ride through Fremont during summer solstice…oh and a Hemp celebration…and it rains sometimes.

  89. Hi Jenni. I’ve looked all over and can’t find your email address. I would love to share with you and your readers some rather hilarious stories from my recent stay in a psychiatric hospital. I can be reached @ zenarmadillo@live.com

    hope to hear from you

  90. I just clicked on this to see if there were any new entries and I’ve decided that the zombie Bloggess is getting creepier looking over time. I guess that’s how decomposition works, but it’s creepy.

  91. I just saw an episode of Community, and a bunch of the students turn into zombies because they ate some weird taco mix. The cure was to turn the temperature way down in the locked room they were in..
    Thoughts?

  92. It’s good to hear the CDC has finally gotten up to speed. I’m waiting for the zombie vaccine, though. I bet would jump all over that shit.

    That being said, I bet you have a better chance of becoming a zombie than you do of getting the Swine Flu.

    P.S. I am vaccinated against rabies so I can fight guard dogs. Watch out, CDC!

  93. I can’t wait to read the Washington Post article. Heading there next!

    So glad you have come out as the expert on zombies. I always thought of you that way. The rest of the world must be catching up with your readers.

  94. I agree that the CDC’s list of supplies seems to be lacking. I like your idea of swords, as beheading is the obvious way to get rid of zombies and I don’t think the utility knife in the CDC’s suggested supplies would quite cut it (pardon the pun).

  95. totally unrelated to this post… i wish people would stop saying, “oh no he did-int” and “oh, hell no” and “awww, snap”. i also wish zombies, vampires and warewolves would go away. bring back the blob. or even the creature from the black lagoon would be slightly more interesting.

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