UPDATED: I envy those people who don’t automatically assume that their surprise party is an intervention.

Conversation I had with my little sister about my chronic insomnia, which is trying to destroy me:

Lisa: So how you feeling?

me: Okay, I guess.  Teetering between awesome and totally insane.  I’m taking drugs to sleep, but I’m a little afraid I might become addicted.

Lisa: Taking them by the handfuls?

me: No, I put them in my wine cooler and shake it up, and then put it in my mouth so it all explodes.  Like when you put mentos in diet coke.

Lisa: So…pretty much the opposite of how you’re supposed to take it.

me:  In a way it’s like an injection.  One that burns when it shoots out of your nose.  That’s how you know it’s working. Or how you know you have a sleeping pill lodged in your nasal cavity.

Lisa:  That’s not how injections work.

me:  The bottle doesn’t specifically say it’s not an option.

Lisa: I’m pretty sure that if you looked it up in the medical dictionary it would have a picture of you doing that, but with a bar through it.

me:  Mmm…  A bar sounds really good right now.

Lisa: I’ve seen your refrigerator.  I’d be more concerned about you if I thought you actually had any wine-coolers in your house.

me:  I totally don’t.  I’m too sleepy to go to the grocery store.  Which is probably why these pills don’t work.  Chronic lack of wine-coolers.

Lisa:  You realize that one day someone’s going to take all this seriously and show up to your house to host an intervention, don’t you?

me:  Probably.  But it’ll be the closest thing I’ve ever had to a surprise party, so that’ll be nice.  Plus, they’ll probably bring groceries.  And –knowing my friends- wine coolers.  Win-win. So I think the key here is to hit rock-bottom this week so someone brings me groceries.

Lisa:  Or…maybe just find a store that delivers groceries?

me:  They have those? Fuck. I have wasted my life.

Lisa:  Well, just the first half.

Updated: I just called around and no one delivers groceries to my neighborhood. So I’ll be eating a liter of crack this afternoon.  Please bring donuts, milk, laundry detergent and kitty litter.

Updated X 2: AND WINE COOLERS. What the hell, me? That was the whole reason for the intervention in the first place.  This is exactly why I can’t be trusted to go grocery shopping.

Updated X 3: Apparently no one delivers crack to this neighborhood either.  Or possibly my neighbors are just really unhelpful and want to keep all the crack delivery services to themselves.   So instead I’m just watching a lot of bad tv and I’m sitting way too close to it.   Please come save me from myself.

Updated X 4: Also, bring some pizza pockets.  And a pan to cook pizza pockets on.  And someone who knows how to cook pizza pockets.

Updated X 5: Victor just went to check the mail and came in with a quart-sized bag of pot.  Which is a nice thought, but no thank you, Victor. I’m paranoid enough, thankyouverymuch. Then he explained that it wasn’t “a present”, and it came in the mail today.  Turns out it’s home-made tea from my friend, Naked Jen.  And it’s also a lesson to Victor about the importance of not opening packages addressed to me.

In his defense, it's a LOT of tea.

164 thoughts on “UPDATED: I envy those people who don’t automatically assume that their surprise party is an intervention.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. On my way. But not with any of the supplies you requested; I’m broke. Hoping to glom something to eat and drink at your surprise party intervention.

  2. You must live in one of those places they call a ‘Food desert’. Or a Crack Desert? Wine Cooler desert?

    I’m spelling desert right, aren’t I? I’m referring to the places with sand.. not the stuff you get to eat after you’ve eaten all your vegetables.

  3. Is there anything else you need? I’ll bring the items but it could take awhile I live in Massachusetts and I am afraid of the snakes in Texas. Forget it I’ll buy all the supplies and use them myself

  4. Haven’t you checked out peapod yet?

    And, no that’s not how Crack works either. It makes you NOT sleep. Sheesh. You are supposed to be calling around asking for Heroin, that makes you nod out and go to sleep. Rofl!

  5. =) Hope you get better (more effectively, productively sleepy) soon. Thanks for the title of the post, yet another thing to be grateful for that I’d taken for granted.

    FYI after years without television and 100% netflix we decided maybe we’d get cable. We live in the sticks. The company said they don’t see us on their map (we’re kinda used to that, hence no cell phone till last December–no service). So, we don’t exist. Never mind the fact that our property has a right of way that the CABLE COMPANY OWNS and a wire goes right through the south end of our property. Apparently the cable, as it runs through our lot, plugs its ears and sings “LA LA LA LA LAAA” so it doesn’t see or hear us. =) In the end, less TV is more.

  6. I showed up at a surprise party once in a Gettysburg souvenir t-shirt because everyone knows a surprise party is always better while wearing Civil War attire. My senile aunt did say, “nice of you to dress up for your party” and then I told her “i didn’t know it was my party…that’s why everyone yelled ‘surprise’ “. And then she mumbled something and went back to her seat.

  7. Just do what I do and eat any and everything that is in the fridge until it becomes so ridiculous your husband is disgusted and goes to the store for you! Works like a charm every time! I haven’t even gotten to eat spoonfuls of jelly yet. He usually stops me at the ketchup – mainly because that’s his favorite condiment.

  8. I’m a little concerned that Hailey hasn’t yet trained Victor how to go to the grocery store himself. Come on, kid, get on it!

  9. Move to NYC they deliver everything here.
    Also its a rule that any time 3 or more people show up in your life unnaounced its officially both a surprise party and an intervention. Just say yes to the nice bald guy and get on the plane.

  10. I always think someone is about to stage my intervention. And then I start to plan how I am going to go all crazy, storm out of the room and eat every pill I can find. Because that is proper intervention behavior. Only I won’t go. Not like all those sappy half assed addicts on TV who always end up at the Shady Acres Recovery Center in Arizona looking all good with clear skin after completing 8 weeks of sobriety. Pfft.


  11. What you’ve inadvertently achieved by putting the pill in a wine cooler is some sort of time-travel because I’m not positive but I think the last time I actually had a wine cooler was 1988.

  12. Maybe you need to do what I did yesterday, which is to go on an hour long bike ride… without brakes. Okay I had rear brakes but the fact that I am a shitty and unstable biker combined with the lack of ALL the brakes that God intended for you combined with the fact that I ACTUALLY GOT EXERCISE put me into some stress/trauma/muscle fatigued induced sleeping coma last night. IT WAS AWESOME.

    Maybe you could find a path full of snakes…. or dragons… or heroin pushing kittens to jog on…. that would also do the trick for me.

  13. Do you have Safeways in your hood? Some of them have grocery delivery, I think. Or Amazon was playing around with one for a while.

  14. start being your sleep’s worst enemy by fucking with it….start going on cocaine and coffee binges – and, double bonus, you won’t want food so no need for groceries. Now that’s winning.

  15. I have a solution to your sleeping problem. Summer school. Take a high school English or social studies class. Don’t forget to take a towel for your desk (since they’re uncomfortable, and you don’t want to wake up with your hair soaked from drool because you know how catty and cruel high school kids can be, and you’ll be surrounded by all of them because — hello? SUMMER school — you most certainly don’t want to add high school-inflicted self-image issues to your list of woes). Due to the time constraints, there will be a lot of homework, meaning reading a shit ton of boring crap, which will also put you to sleep.

    If you want to try a home-remedy of this kind, I’d suggest forcing yourself to read John Milton. As impressive as it is to think he wrote “Paradise Lost” while blind, memorizing over 300 lines of poetry at a time to have his wife and daughter transcribe, that is not enough to keep you riveted through the confusion of his overuse of semicolons in his essays. Don’t care enough to try to diagram his sentences unless doing such exhausts you for another nap.

  16. After every post I write, my father calls me and tells me that everything I write is out there forever and I should be concerned that people are going to take me seriously and start picketing my house. I tell him that I would welcome company.

    Also, wine and Walgreens PM is the perfect combination to make one sleep. From what I hear

  17. Were I anywhere geographically near, I would help. As it stands, I’m sucking coffee in like it’s a wine cooler. I may not have insomnia, but I do have a baby. They are kind of similar. Except I hope one of us is cured soon. Hint: not me.

  18. I thought for sure Texas would have grocery delivery services. I bet if you found a teenage girl around you and paid her, she would totally do it. I’d say to find a teenage boy but we all know they can’t grocery shop. On second thought, maybe that’s the kind of groceries you need. Find a teenage boy – he’ll bring you the bacon and the cupcakes. Total win.

  19. Times like these call for hot pockets as opposed to any kind of fancy, actual food based pizza pocket. They cook in their own little cardboard sleeve which converts into a handle/shovel so you can eat it without creating any dishes. No dishes + 2 min. cook time = more time for sleeping pill wine coolers and crack + less risk of burning the house down. And, if you are lucky, crack could activate some secret power in the chemicals used to construct hot pockets which could double your high. Or kill you. Or both. Whatever, it’s worth it.

  20. Pizza pockets, wine coolers, and crack. You have got it all figured out. Way to not waste the 2nd half of your life.

  21. I don’t even do drugs or drink, but anytime I come home to a group of people (and by group, I mean more than my husband and dog) I get a little concerned it’s an intervention.

    I have a bit of a “thing” for diet root beer.

  22. Atlanta is the best place to live if you have insomnia. You can always find at least one channel showing Gone with the Wind every night. And with commercials, it will last you all night long. And you can dress up in your curtains and there’s no one around to judge you because everyone else is effin asleep.

  23. You should call Dave Atell. The guy that did that Insomniac show on Comedy Central. He always seemed to find free booze and really interesting people to hang out with. You guys could tag-team the locals. I’d sign up for cable again if you and Dave travelled the country in TV.

    You’d get paid to not sleep, get free booze andmeet a ton of cool folks. Think of the blog posts you could write. Win-win if you ask me. 🙂

  24. Clearly you were destined to rule the world because if you took my advice and tried watching any State of the Union address in the history of television and THAT didn’t knock you the fuck out…well then. I salute you, President Jenny.

  25. I’ve never had a surprise party, either! Perhaps I need to get addicted to something so that someone could host an intervention for me. But not wine coolers. I didn’t know they even made those anymore.

  26. maybe you could order a pizza and tell them to tell the delivery driver that since he is on his way anyway would he mind grabbing you some groceries? For an awesome tip of course.

  27. I’m bringing a present to the intervention…err party. A pretty white coat. It has really long sleeves. (I wasn’t sure of your size)

  28. A serious suggestion for insomnia… the Ayurvedic herb Ashwagandha. It helps you sleep when you’re overtired, like so tired that you can’t fall asleep. I’ve seen it work miracles on over-tired, freaking out kids. And over-tired, freaking out moms. Really. I also looked it up here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withania_somnifera and it appears to be good for Everything, though it strangely doesn’t mention insomnia, which is what I take it for. Anyway. Hope you feel better soon. (Also my most recent post has a picture my 12 year old took of one of her stuffed animals wearing a bra. I figured you would appreciate it.)

  29. What about Meals on Wheels? (I’m totally kidding.)

    I don’t get sleep. Ever. I only do when I take a sleeping pill… A few weeks ago I was peruasing the web for different methods of trying to sleep. One guy (on a comment board) recommended (to everyone on said comment board) that you take your sleeping pill… with a beer. Always with a beer. SO… I don’t think wine coolers and meds sounds that horrible an idea!

  30. I promise to come and save you! I’m bringing that guy from Intervention so he can find out that we BOTH need help and then he can send us on all expense paid trips to the beach in California. Rehab, schmehab.

  31. I recommend Smirnoff Ice in any one of the tasty variaties, as a substitute for wine coolers. It helped get me through my son’s 8th birthday party. And sleeping wasn’t much of a problem later on. Quantity is the key.

  32. I wish the store would deliver chocolate right about now. I have plenty but it’s not the “right” chocolate that I’m craving. I don’t know what kind I want though. I guess I want home delivery of chocolate and the people doing it to be psychics so they would know what I’m craving.

  33. I can’t believe they still sell wine coolers. Are those the fizzy, syrupy things or are they flat? Either way, they’re a perfectly respectable way of washing down your sleeping pills if you’re out of gin or tonic water.

  34. Um, do they even make wine coolers any more? I mean, I know Boone’s Farm is still around (dropping the panties of sorority girls one bottle at a time since 1933!) but wine coolers? I thought chick liquor like Smirnoff Ice replaced them. Or is ‘wine cooler’ just one of those famous Texas colloquialisms for canned malt liquor?

  35. On your behalf, I would like to stab all the people making jokes about your insomnia, because as someone also suffering from this tragic condition, I know this shit ain’t funny, except I am too tired to lift my arm, much less remember where I last saw my shank.

  36. Schwans! Surely Schwans delivers to your house?! You don’t even have to answer your door and talk to the guy. You can order online and they’ll leave it on your porch with insulated bag and ice. No booze, but tons of ice cream!

  37. @Chelsie: Seagram’s will always be around as long as there’s underage drinking. It’s a known fact throughout all of time.

    As for the intervention: would you prefer Dr. Drew Pinsky, A&E cameras, or just a private gathering that sends you to Malibu for a month long vacation/drug rehab?

  38. Have you tried Benadryl? Without the wine cooler. It works great when my son couldn’t sleep because of his allergies…wink, wink, nod, nod…and when I don’t want to listen to my DH anymore at night…for me. Not him, I haven’t found an easy way to mask the flavor in water yet.

  39. I know a crackhead with a burro who, for a price, will brave the Texas heat and bring out all your necessary supplies. Of course you may have a hard time getting him to leave once there, but at least you’ll have your pizza pockets.

  40. Judging from the hot sweats I get after having a couple (dozen) of them, I submit that there is nothing cool about “wine coolers”. Talk about false advertising.

  41. I”ve never thought of the similarities between an intervention and a surprise party before. I now need to tell my fiance to NEVER throw me a surprise party, or else I’ll immediately run around, hiding the liquor bottles.

  42. I’m mailing you my college Economics textbook. It’s heavy so it may take awhile to arrive plus from the sound of things your postman may be on horseback. It’s guaranteed to drop you right off into a sleep coma by page 2.

  43. SassyB mentioned Benadryl, and I’ll second that. When I had an allergic reaction to my antibiotics last year the doctor had me take some. I did, and woke up 14 hours later.

  44. I’m convinced wine coolers are the placebos of the alcoholic world. At least for me. Give my mother half of one and she’ll shortly be telling everyone in the restaurant that they CAN all order steak for Mother’s Day.

    True story.

    PS: I suggest pizza rolls. You can just have someone drop those in your mouth without trying to manipulate your jaw to take a bite. So I hear.

  45. So I don’t mean to be creepy… but do you live in Bulverde/Spring Branch? Off of 281 or 46? Or am I way off? I grew up out there, my parents still live at 281/46, and I live about 40 min away/work 20 min away. I would in no way be opposed to bringing you all of your necessities, minus the crack. Email me! I’m serious!

  46. You don’t have PeaPod service in wherever in TX you are? I am pretty sure Stop and Shop would deliver anywhere. And I have a pile o’federal financial aid regs you could read. I don’t know anyone who stays awake reading those.

  47. I just watched an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode where they had an intervention where not only were they partying, but they also wanted to attack the Interventionee. Who was Danny DeVito. Who I kind of think deserves an attack.

    Anyway, that’s a great show you might want to start watching since you’re not sleeping. Also, I love to plan parties, so I think I could plan your intervention. I’m thinking Roofie Pinatas. And a wine cooler fountain instead of a chocolate fountain.

  48. I’d totally show up for your surprise intervention, except you live in a place known to me as “way out in the boonies.” However, I can be there in about 2 days by car. I think. I’m not good at calculating distance.

    I AM good at grocery shopping, though. And I’ll see your wine coolers and raise you some Smirnoff Ice Green Apple, which I drink because they taste to me like green apple martinis. Between college and pregnancy, I think my taste buds gave up trying and died a horrible death.

  49. Take out! I think Pizza Hut makes everything from puff pastries to dim sum these days. Smile Sweetly at the delivery guy, show a bit of leg (the non-hairy kind), and ask him to go for you! 😀 Win!

  50. I’d totally bring you groceries and wine coolers right now but I’m currently sitting at my desk waiting for McDonald’s to come and deliver my Big Mac and super-size fries. Oh, and what kind of wine coolers do you want? I think those Jack Daniels ones are pretty bad-ass. Maybe Cisco?

  51. Following up on William’s point… I think if people yelled “Surprise!!” at the beginning of interventions, they might go over much better. People are always such downers during those things.

  52. i love you all, but i love Jenny most. wish i could help, but MN is a long way from TX; and hell, people up here consider ‘fish in chlorox’ (latin name: lutefisk) a delicacy

  53. I’ve only ever had one party and that was when I was four. Then my mother chopped off all their heads. OK, it was in the only photograph of my only party ever but that doesn’t sound so interesting. I need an intervention to stop me having nightmares about children at parties with severed heads.

    Feel better soon Jenny, then throw yourself a surprise party, that way it will be exactly how you want.

  54. Great googly moogly, what are you going to do about all this?

    Maybe if you did what I do which is eat dangerous, diabetetes-inducing amounts of carbs it might make you fall sleep….it certainly puts me to sleep. I am told a good carb coma is siilar to heroin.

    So, forget I said any of that and go get some melatonin…3g….and take two. Hello relaxation.

    P.S. I will be happy to deliver crack to your neighborhood.

  55. one of the most exciting parts of starting to work from home in August is the possibility of having groceries delivered ( I will always be home!). I hate the grocery store and although the boyfriend is a doll and usually handles this chore, it is tedious to list out brand/color of packaging/distiguishing marks on all the items I like. (What? I am PICKY. Yes)

    Downside? Safeway is expensive, yo. I need WalMart to deliver.

  56. If I could, I would gladly trade some of your insomnia for my inability to stay awake for more than 4 hours running. Two double espressos for lunch are not helping. Maybe I ought not to be lacing them with Kahlua.

  57. Also! I am sooo sorry about the insomnia, I have never gone more than two nights (uh except when I was a crystal meth addict – doesn’t count) without sleep, but OH MAH JEEBUS those were the worst nights/days evah.
    I can’ t even imagine a longer bout of it. I sincerely hope you can get some good sleeps soon Jenny.

  58. If you can live on cat food for a few days, Amazon totally delivers groceries, including pizza pockets. They also have milk:

    No wine coolers at Amazon, but you can get delicious, delicious wine from wine.woot.

    Also, there’s a Woot-Off at woot.com right now for ShamWow! in case you spill the exploding wine/mentos/drug concoction, so you’re all set.

    Problem. Solved.

  59. When I was around 14 or so, staying the night at a friend’s house, we decided to sneak some of her mom’s beer. From a few sips I had as a kid, I knew that I despised the taste of beer, so I mixed it with orange juice. My reasoning was that Fuzzy Navels were awesome [it was the only alcoholic drink my gramma would have, and I’d tasted a sip], so why not try to make a Fuzzy Navel with beer instead of peach schnapps? Yeah, it tasted about as good as beer and orange juice sounds. I realised it tasted exactly like the wine coolers my mom drank when I was little. Yuck-o-lah. [I don’t drink anymore, but when I did, peach schnapps was the ONLY alcohol I could stomache — thanks Gramma.]

    Anyway, the reason for my reply was to point out that Alice.com delivers dry-goods to your house through the mail, with free shipping. They don’t have alcohol, but they do have fruit concentrate stuff to make margaritas and the like.

  60. I’m pretty sure my mom is going to stage an intervention for me bacuse I keep texting her about how there is NO food in my ENTIRE house & I am going to grill the ferret. She’s probably sitting at work telling all her coworkers “If I go missing, you know who did it.” But, man, that ferret looks mighty tasty….

  61. Wondering if they have a Winecooler of the month club… then you can subscribe and have them deliver over and over… it’d be like Christmas every month…

    Hey – Someone could make millions if they develop a site that matched you with your perfect mixed drink… If it works as well as the shitty dating sites out there you’d have to drink a lot of really crappy cocktails, but the thing is, you’d be HAPPY at the end no matter how ugly the drink was… and that has it’s own built in beer goggles…. woo-hoo… there’s a Win/win….

  62. If it’s true that roofies are an appetite suppressant, you should be good on the no-food thing for a while. Except that maybe the rest of the people in your house need calories. Or you need a roofie family pack. Or….never mind. What time’s the intervention and should I bring cheese?

  63. Boy, if it were that easy to get a surprise party, I would have gotten into something long ago. Now I just have to figure out how to get people to notice my destructive habits so I can get that surprise intervention party.

  64. I can’t believe in p.s. number 4 you didn’t ask someone to bring you all that OR wine coolers. You really ARE losing due to lack of sleep. That’s what we’re blaming right? The lack of sleep? 🙂

  65. Screw delivery. Just put on your Panda suit and go wait in the bushes for your neighbors to come home with groceries. Scream, jump out and when they run away you are made in the shade.

    You may want to pre-emptively break into their houses and add what you need to their grocery lists though. Or only stake out cat people. These things will probably work themselves out though.

  66. Ok, the minute you find delivery groceries in S.A. you MUST spill it. That would make my life complete. Sorry you’re still having a rough time. 🙁

  67. I can’t imagine why you would be paranoid about a surprise party/intervention. You seem totally sane and sober, to me…

    (Jenny, you can now go to my blog and make a donation in lieu of mailing me a check as your enabl… erm… I mean really good cyberfriend… *ahem*)

  68. Insomnia is not my problem, although I have wreaked 3 cars by falling asleep at the wheel. It’s being able to sleep just about anywhere. Also, you live Really Far Out There, if no one delivers to you! ifnInlived close by, I’d deliver, just so you wouldn’t run out of pizza bites!

  69. Sometimes i wish they would sell wine coolers in grocery stores up here in Canada. They only sell alcohol in regular stores in Quebec. Everywhere else they make us go to special stores. You should see the linup the day beofre a holiday. They should have an intervention set up in that lineup.

  70. “home-made tea” ???? THATS what the kids are calling it these days? I’d like to see Rick James create a girl band named something like “ho’made and the tea-teas”. Then I’d understand. I have so much to learn- I mean these days they have forgone the lure of a crystal meth explosion for extraction of homemade tea oil in the garages… “THC and the ho’maid teas”- now there is a name for a band.

  71. How about you give us an address, and we can all send you something in the mail. Food, crack, whatever. Mine will be coming from Australia, but I’ll pick something that will last in the mail. Not sure that we have wine coolers here, but I’ll look into that.

  72. There are grocery store websites that deliver groceries. You can also get your groceries on Amazon. 🙂 Happy shopping!

  73. I can see where one would make the mistake in thinking that was a gigantic bag of pot, what with all of the vaguely bong looking things in the background of the picture.

    It’s tea, officer, I swear.

  74. i hope you feel better. that final update gave me a great laugh after a long day. thanks for always doing that!

  75. Okay so I’m very jealous, no one ever mails me bags of pot. Though the fizzy painkiller shooters sound like a damn fine idea.

    If Victor ever DOES spring an intervention on you, just let us know and we’ll totally fight to keep you out of the ‘quitters’ circle.

  76. ummmm…that is much bigger then a quart! but hey, who knows that tea might just help you sleep 🙂

  77. That is one big ass bag of “tea” – if that’s what we’re calling it. I hope when you “drink” it, it makes you feel better.

    P.S. Pizza Pockets will not make you feel better. Haven’t you seen Jim Gaffigan’s bit on Hot Pockets?

    Flush Pocket!!!!!


  78. Dear Gawd, that is the best idea EVER. I mean, technically, I think the only thing I *do* around the house is grocery procurement (the man does the stuff like making sure we all have clean clothes, a clean house and actually cooks the food I am responsible for purchasing), so I can’t really complain about it, but yes I can BECAUSE I have to do it.

    Though they totally have grocery delivery here, so it’s probably not the same.

    And I think I’m beyond the help of an intervention.

    Which could be why the man checks my mail. (Not really.) (That I’ve noticed.) (I should probably pay better attention.)

  79. This is a non-funny comment but you can seriously get the laundry detergent at soap.com which has free delivery over a certain amount so I ordered like a crazy amount of heavy stuff including household chemicals which i thought couldnt go through the mail and it all came the *next day* in a fridge-sized box which G also used as a playhouse. So, in other words, soap.com sends you a playhouse if you order from them. Also they are launching a site called wag.com which will deliver kitty litter, meaning we never need to leave our homes again. #win

    This comment is not sponsored. But it obviously should be.

  80. That’s a lot of pot. I mean, tea. I MEAN, POT. Fuck. Tea? Pot? Pot tea? I guess we’ll have to find out when you make some.

    If I lived in your part of the universe I would deliver you groceries. I would. Every week, or however often you need it. I’m not old enough to buy you alcohol, though, so we’d have to find me a fake ID so I could get you your wine coolers.

  81. Victor should Never open packages addressed to you! & can I have some tea? ’cause I bet thatsGood iced!

  82. I am 90% certain that “bag of tea” is a bag of narcotics. If you don’t sleep well tonight, at least you’ll eat well. And at the point where you start contemplating the meaning of string (the fiber, not the theory) please live tweet it. Seriously.

  83. oh if ONLY someone would mail me a bag of pot that large! ; ]

    or tea. i’d totally take the tea, too.

  84. I have had insomnia for years too. I’ve tried everything. Nothing ever works.
    Out of desperation, I bought one of these:
    I call it my “Bed of Nails.” At first, I was really skeptical, but I was willing to try anything. You need to go slow at first. No more than 10 minutes the first time you lay on it. Then wait at least a day before you try it again. Gradually work up. Also, read the reviews, it will help give you an idea.
    But amazingly, this thing seems to be re~training me on how to get to sleep. After just a few times of getting used to it, I now actually fall asleep on the thing! I have to set an alarm because I go into a deep sleep. And when I go to bed (later, in my regular bed…I do not sleep all night on “the bed of nails”), I am sleeping more sound and sleeping longer.
    I highly recommend it. The link above is the one I got, but there are a ton of them on amazon for different prices, in different colors, etc. Check it out. I hope you find some relief. Insomnia is beyond horrible, I know!


  85. Grocery store? Is that where my food comes from? I should have known my husband was lying when he said that we have a cheese tree in the back yard. I’ve *never* seen that tree.

  86. I’m fairly certian you shall now have the DEA raid your website. Which will be funny…if you’re me. What would a DEA agent wear if he were raiding a website? I mean, when they knock doors down they are all wearing green or black with hoods and eye holes and rad boots. But, for a website raid that seems like over kill. Maybe a tie with a lot of 0’s and 1’s on it?

    Oh, and the hands coming out of the bronze vase on the bookshelf are creeping me out a little. Then it occured to me that everything on that shelf looks like it belongs in a drawer in a night stand next to your bed.
    So, basically what I got out of this post/ picture was, “This is a large bag of what I’m calling tea! And, since I can’t sleep, in the background is an assortment of things I will be having sex with.”

    Here’s tea you! 🙂

  87. Thank you for the clarification. I no longer feel I was the only one who couldn’t understand that comment. You are a kind and caring person, sleep or no. I hope everyone’s tricks work for you. The only time I had insomnia it was only cured by my husband finding a job before we became homeless. We weren’t as close as it seemed when I was trying to fall asleep, but I was tired, ya know?

  88. People tried to stage an intervention for me once. I find if you don’t open the door when they’re knocking and calling out supportive words like “we’re doing this for you” and “we just want to chat for a while,” after about a day or so they tend to go away. Reason number 436 for why living on your own is awesome. Possible side effect: you will never be able to leave your house again. But it’s not so bad for me, I have a grocery store that delivers.

  89. If you’re not on Xanax, you should be. Xanax is the awesomest thing I have ever taken. Though I also haven’t tried crack OR heroin. I took a lot of pain pills once, but that was for pain not for sleep.

    Often I sit around wondering why no one has ever thrown me a surprise party ever, except for my parents once, but they kind of have to, so I’m all “Nobody loves me enough to throw me a party” and all that, and now that I’ve read this post, I have to say that the first thing I would think WOULD be “oh shit, it’s an intervention.”

  90. Biobabbler – you need to go out and dig a hole and “accidentally” cut the cable line. Then, when they come to fix it you can say, “By the way, while you’re here why don’t you hook me up with some cable?”

  91. I’m beginning to wonder if Lisa and Victor are PEOPLE or just CATS you THINK are people.
    You’re probably imagining random words in all CAPS by now too. You need a nap.

  92. I’m only about an hour away from you and with a 7-11 right around the corner from me, I can stop there on the way and pick up the wine coolers and hot pockets and probably the crack, too, in my neighborhood. Oh, and some rolling papers for the “tea”. When should I be there?

  93. Lisa’s response “Well, just the first half” has got to be the best response I have ever heard. I’m going to use it all the time now when people say they’ve wasted their life. Instead of my usual “…Yeah you have” reply.

  94. Is that his good arm? You know the one that didn’t cost you, um, an arm and a leg?

    Sorry I couldn’t resist.

  95. You could probably threaten them if they don’t deliver, but I wouldn’t guarantee the results… unless a lot of flashing lights and (possibly pretty) men in uniform with batons and guns was on your grocery list.

  96. Interventions are really overrated. I mean, there’s never any alcohol and there’s a lot of boo-hooing about how “we love you too much to watch you destroy yourself” and “how could you empty the kids’ college fund to support your habit?”, blah blah blah. I mean, they don’t even have the decency to play any good dance music at these things. And the food? Why do they assume that no one will be hungry? No. Interventions are not the best parties. Unless you can find the guest of honor’s hidden stash.

  97. Just order a bunch of shit from Amazon, they love non perishable groceries and deliver them for FREE! I’m not sure if they deliver crack or not though, I’m pretty sure they at least charge shipping for that.

    Is it weird that this is the second blog I have read today that showed a picture of a ziplock bag containing what appears to be a lot of weed….but is in fact not? The other was over at Rage Against the Minivan and was actually a bag of baked and salted kale.

    Does anyone have real weed anymore? I guess I’ll just keep going through my RSS feeder, surely someone has a real bag of weed somewhere?

  98. Do you realize you’re on Wikipedia? That’s weird.

    Also, I had terrible insomnia while I was pregnant. But fortunately, I figured out if you get drunk enough you’ll just pass out. But I’m having a tough time teaching this to my 6 month old. Just take the damn bottle, kid.

  99. I started to read the comments but got distracted by the latest blog post titles and just scrolled through the page to read those. I haven’t done that since you posted about how messed up your readers were (in a good way) but now I think I’m never going to do this again, because I’ve just spent three hours reading other peoples blogs and I was supposed to be doing laundry and taking care of my just-had-his-wisdom-teeth-take-out-teenager… So the day is already shot to hell. But in a good way.

  100. I can’t remember the last time I had a pot of hash tea. You’ll need to go to the grocery store once you get the munchies.

  101. a. magnesium before bed relaxes all your muscles.
    b. I just wondered if you had already practiced through what you were going to say at your intervention because that might be a good idea. You know, how to convince everyone that you are going to quit and be normal from now on. I have actually practiced for my intervention. I mean, my NEXT intervention, not the other ones in the future, you understand.

  102. Not that I’m paranoid or anything, but I think you should really watch out for your neighbors. They probably are taking all the crack and groceries AND they probably switched out “the good stuff” for that bag of herbal tea, too!

  103. I finally fell asleep last night…and it was only 10:00 pm! Nice! Then I woke up at 11:54 pm…and that’s the extent of my week’s sleep. Nothing like a good hour and 54 minutes of sleep to make you feel brand new again. I think I could sleep if I had a ridiculously large bag of pot though.

  104. I’m actually kind of disappointed right now because when I whizzed past this post and saw the picture, the first thing I thought was…HOLY SHIT THAT’S A SHIT TON OF POT! <3 (Not, that I…smoke or..anything). but then I read the post.

  105. My local Wal-Mart sells alcoholic Capri Suns. Would you accept those at your intervention? I can also bring drugs.

    I’m…not very good at this “intervention” thing, am I?

  106. I think I’m the only person who broke Mentos-and-Coke. It just never worked for me, and I gave up trying. Not sure what could possibly go wrong.

    But I could totally use an intervention myself. Listing out all the reasons would just keep me here on the computer even later, though, and that’s one of the dozens of reasons.

    Another? Not being even remotely funny in Internet comments.

  107. If it’s decaf, I say ya smoke it. 3 reasons: 1. Might help you sleep 2. Would aide in urging those around you to stage that pot luck intervention you’re hopin’ for 3. it would totally fuck with Victor. Win-Win-Win. ;0)

  108. Jenny,
    I just hate it that you have the dreaded sleep disorder as I do. In my case it is hereditary. I think. although I AM pretty tired right now. When I was a kid I used to crawl down the hallway floor and hide behind the chair to secretly watch Johnny Carson, Benny Hill and Dr Who w/ my unknowing Dad.
    I’m 48 now and there is NO end in site.

  109. I hate when you can’t find a good crack delivery guy!

    That sure is a lot of weed, er, tea…I would love to be invited to your “intervention.” I’ll bring doritos.

    Oh, the other great thing about an intervention is that you almost always get sent away somewhere to rehab…like in Malibu! SCORE, BONUS vacation!!!

  110. Every time I read conversations between you and the people in your life, I get jealous and realize I need to find more interesting people. My friends are lame.

  111. “I said I wanted a LARGE bag of tea!”

    *crickets chirping*

    So anyway, I just want you to know that I’m signing you up for a new Reality Show,called “Freaky Drug Ingesters.” It’s like a cross between Intervention and Candid Camera. Basically, the goal is to make “Chronic Insomnia-Related Addiction” fun again.

  112. Once when I was in college (and underage) we were at a party and there were boys and beer. One of the boys asked me and my friend if we drank beer and we looked at each other and said “not THAT beer” because we were raised with good Canadian dads who taught us that life is too short for miller lite. (Values people) and they boys went to the store and got us wine coolers.

    I also used to make a cake with wine coolers in it. It was raspberry white chocolate. mmmmm Too bad the wine cooks out.

  113. I tried to order groceries online last week when my son was out of diapers but no one delivers to my neighborhood either so I had to turn the situation into an impromptu potty training exercise. Someone could make a lot of money just delivering to all the moms out there that don’t want to leave our house to buy groceries or crack or whatever else we need.

    I thought that picture WAS pot so I kept getting distracted from reading all the way down because I kept eyeing the photo on the bottom of the screen and thinking, “whoa she is going to have people show up at her door, like the cops” but since it is just tea that will probably not happen.

    I’m sorry about your insomnia. I hope you get to sleep soon.

  114. I would pay money to see someone stage an intervention with you.

    You could tell them that Beyonce is your only true friend and confidante,
    and spend the whole show weeping into her metallic wings of comfort.

  115. ps (So…you’ve probably tried everything already for the Insomnia Bullshit…

    I have found decent success through making sure my room and I are cold when I go to sleep–
    apparently, cooler temperatures help slow brain activity or something.



    Which may not touch your Godzilla of Go the Fuck to Sleepness,
    but it might be worth a try?

    kisses and hope for shut eye!)

  116. Hey Jenny, I just found out that I have a rare-ish sleep disorder that causes me *not* to be paralyzed in REM sleep while dreaming, so that I end up acting out my dreams. I thought you would like to hear about something so frightening, random and hilarious 🙂

    PS- I have already warned my boyfriend not to piss me off before bed time, don’t worry!

  117. Here is the cure for your insomnia, and it’s a lot easier and better than drugs. It’s MELATONIN! You can get it at the drugstore with the vitamins…try a 3mg dose 15 minutes before bedtime, and it’s a miracle. Safe and non-addictive…doctor prescribed it for my son and it has worked miracles, I take some too when I need it.

  118. I come from a home, where that would not be tea. And no one would be suprised.

    But yeah, my partner went to lunch with his uncle, and his dad and grandmother showed up. I told him he was at an intervention, but he insisted it was just lunch. (I bet it was an intervention, and they’re trying to get him to not marry me).

    Just cause I mistake tea for pot. Psh.

  119. Enjoy your writing (first time here)! Only one question: are your books arranged by color?

  120. Wow, I work in law enforcement and that sure as hell looks like pot. The smell would have given it away, though. Bygones. Tell your friend she could have a very lucrative, albeit dangerous, career in manufacturing fake pot if she can get the smell right.

  121. Sorry. I’m a little late to the party/intervention/grocery delivery.
    However, I’m actually coherent at the moment, so I can offer a brilliant idea. (this will fade in a matter of hours, so now is the time to follow along)
    I suggest posting your grocery list. A full list…as if you’re registering for gifts at a department store.
    If everyone reading this blog were to choose one item from the list, and ship it to you, along with wine coolers (thats the brilliant part. a grocery item AND wine coolers) you’d never have to leave the house.
    If this were to go down as planned, I might also suggest moving Beyonce back to the front door to please the UPS guy and make his daily deliveries that much more interesting.

  122. OMG! im crying i was laughing so hard, You are hilarious 🙂 thanks for the laugh

  123. Holy crap, that’s some crazy OCD back there behind all the tea. You’re books. I’m sure you’ve written about this, but I’m brand spankin’ new here…My kid would love your rainbow of books.

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