Conversation with Victor after I came home from my appointment with my shrink.
Victor: So what’d your doctor say?
me: The usual. Still crazy.
Victor: Well, at least you’re stable.
me: She gave me something to kill the insomnia. Ro-something? I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s supposed to just knock you out completely.
Victor: Rohypnol? Your doctor gave you roofies?
me: I’m pretty sure my doctor didn’t give me the date rape drug. It just sounds like rohypnol. Wait, hang on. There’s an actual warning on this pamphlet that you have to be careful to not accidentally have sex in your sleep.
Victor: Your doctor gave you roofies. Generic roofies.
me: Wow. I probably should have tipped her.
PS. I took the drug and it was not roofies. Or I’m immune to roofies. One of those. But, in brighter news I’m getting a lot accomplished due to not sleeping. Like, I’m really good at drawing dinosaurs now. And at making water-beds for cats. And at involuntary hallucinations and forgetting where I live.
PPS. It occurrs to me that if you don’t have insomnia you probably missed the day when I live-tweeted my hour-long attempt at making water beds for cats, so I’m going to reprint it all here. Because the cats and I shouldn’t be the only ones to suffer.
- I’ve decided to use all this extra insomnia time to make a waterbed, using only ziploc bags & a cardboard box.
- It’s going to be awesome. Also, Victor really should stop leaving me at home unsupervised.
- The waterbed isn’t for me. It’s for the cats. These cats have never even SEEN a waterbed. They’re gonna be ecstatic.
- I’m going to need some duct tape. And a mop. And some…cat mittens.
- Hang on. I can totally *make* cat mittens out of duct tape. THESE PROBLEMS ARE SOLVING THEMSELVES.
- I’m not going to wrap duct tape around the cat’s paws, y’all. That’s inhumane. I’m going to put condoms on them first. Calm down, PETA.
- I meant that I’m putting condoms on the cats’ feet before I duct-tape them. Not that I’m making them wear condoms for birth control.
- My cats never use birth control. I think they’re Catholic.
- No, no, no. Cat mittens are mittens made FOR cats. Kitten mittens are mittens made OF cats. Cats who died of natural causes, probably.
- Honestly, we covered all this years ago, people: https://thebloggess.com/2010/02/also-i-invented-gravity/
- My kid just wandered in to see me forcibly balancing a deeply unappreciative Ferris Mewler on a quart-sized ziploc bag.
- I don’t even know how to explain this. I just told her to go back to bed. She may never sleep again.
- This is exactly why we need to find a cure for insomnia. Because it hurts EVERYONE.
- Also, I’m bleeding and the cat is pissed. Duct tape makes terrible shoes for cats.