And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

in Random Crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

4,375 thoughts on “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.”

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  2. THIS made me laugh my ass off! I think what’s truly important here is your tremendous sense of humor and Victor is lucky to have you keeping him on his toes…and keeping him laughing. You funny lady…LOVE Beyonce!

  6. I’m still trying to think of an ‘inappropriate cock-joke’!! This is sooooo funny and reminds me of shopping with my BFF in Texas. We’ve looked very seriously at some of those BIG, metal, yard art animals and thought, “Hey, why not??”

  7. Tears are running down my face! One because it is soooo hilarious, but mostly because it just the kind of brilliant dialogue that I only true girlfriends can share. Love it!!! Truly!

  8. I read this for the first time the day after you posted it and giggled and laughed over it the entire day – even after I shared it with friends and family…and my husband telling me he damn well better not find a 5-foot-tall chicken on the front porch OR the back porch when he got home from work. No worries – I told him it would be in the driveway waiting for him 🙂

    Absolutely love it – you have a new reader 🙂

  9. Thanks that story reminds me of my aunt Sharon that we just lost, I needed that!

  11. I read it twice and I laughed out loud at the same part “at least its not towels” hilarious!

  12. OMG! I have just read a woman as twisted as me. I have to do this. It’s nearly perfect in every way. Can I use Beyonce’ for my FB profile pic?

  15. actually…I wasn’t drunk, but, my blood sugar WAS dangerously low

    ps…I named mine Rigoberto Von Doodledoo…yes…THE Doodledoos

  16. You are hilarious!!! And btw, i bought the turtle and the pelican and love them! (and wasn’t drunk when purchasing them!)

  17. I am laughing hysterically and my husband just keeps asking me why. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

  18. Just wanted to thank you for the greatest Friday night we have had in a long time. My computer was passed around to five different neighborhood moms and one soon to be husband. We laughed, we cried, we peed our pants. This and a cool glass of chardonnay completed our week!

  21. Thanks Jenny for making me laugh so hard! Two very different friends posted a link on Facebook, so I knew I had to read it. I re-posted the link and now all of my friends are reading it and laughing. You have a gift for humor — thanks for sharing it.

  22. Aaaahhhh! Sometimes men get exactly what they deserve for not seeing the world from our perspective! LOL!

  24. That is one freaking great chicken!! I think I need one. The battle story is priceless! Men just don’t know what they are getting themselves into when they tell a woman NOT to do something!!

  26. One time there was a knock at my door and when I opened it there was a ladder standing there. Wish it had been a metal chicken. I mean, this ladder had paint splatter all over it and if it had a face, am sure it would be smirking and saying something like, “I’m in tight with Jackson Pollock.”

    But it never answered my questions and, now I’m thinking, it probably only spoke Renovation, and I only know English and some Esperanto I learned during a crazy night drinking sidecars with some people. Or riding in a sidecar. Don’t remember.

    Anyway, the chicken is great.

  27. Omg. My mom collects tasteful chickens. Everytime she gets another one, my dad says, “Not another fucking chicken!”. Everytime! I think he’s given up now ;). I don’t think my mom would ever get that chicken, but I can only imagine my dad’s reaction if she were to!!! Awesome!!

  30. And suddenly, sales for giant metal cocks skyrocket.

    Heh. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

  32. I have laughed so phucking hard I have tears!! This is an awesome story and one I can so totally relate to! Thanks for writing it I am signing up for your adventures! Also where can I get that chicken? My anniversary is coming up and my husband wants one! hahaa Kate

  33. I learned long ago to pick your battles. But this is good. Married 30 yrs

  34. The best part is when Victor informed the UPS guy that the chicken is evil. That may not be what he said, but that is what I heard. Then it reminded me of the evil chicken that Peter from Family Guy got in fights with that one episode all over the city. So now I envision that Victor looks like Peter and he is running around town yelling and trying to capture a metal chicken. Good times.

  35. Where have you been all my life? I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

    And to all the people who apparently missed the point, this is a HUMOR site. I’ve been married almost 10 years and this is exactly the kind of crazy stuff my hubs and I do to each other. It’s the reason we’re still together. If you can’t get the humor in this, you are probably not too much fun yourself.

  37. I am jealous, I need a friend for my full sized paper mache penguin that is at my door to greet people, a present from my hubby of 25 years. Life is about laughter

  41. Men are all alike! My husband said the same thing as yours “What a waste of money!” No humor I tell you –

  42. I laughed really hard at this post saying to myself, “oh haha, that’s so funny, who would ever buy something like that if they weren’t drunk or making a joke?!” then i remembered that my mother has a fairly large bird sculpture made out of garden tools sitting quite un-ironically outside her front door.

    as a social experiment i showed my mom a picture of your huge metal chicken without any context and now (not surprisingly) she wants one. she said its beautiful and wants to know where you got it. i wish i were lying.

  44. Wow, you guys need counseling. First of all, it’s ridiculous that you would need permission to buy towels, and that he would (even jokingly) threaten physical abuse if you buy them. On the other hand, I can see why you need permission to buy things because you are clearly irresponsible with money – there are people who can’t even afford to feed their children, pay their rent, etc, and you are wasting money on a tacky piece of art for the sole purpose of very childishly get back at your husband instead of communicating like adults.

    I agree with whoever said sitcoms tell us this kind of thing is normal but it is not.

  47. Victor sounds like my husband, only in Our house, it’s throw pillows. Awesome.

  48. It’s 1967, I’m newly married and at a pottery show with some girlfriends. I saw a *turkey vulture peanut butter jar* for $25. I pictured my new husband’s choloric visage (who by the way is a ringer for Victor, even at 73), and after arguing with myself, didn’t buy it.

    YOU, Jenny, are without regret and laughing your ass off (mine began falling off going into your third paragraph!!), whereas I am still filled with regret over not buying “my bird.” Please keep on writing your wonderful stories!

  49. I LOVE that Victor looked at the chicken in “stunned silence” and just walked away! A friend sent me this link to brighten up my sucky day and it worked. Rock on.

  50. Oh ty sooo much for the laughs; I really needed that!!! My daughter emailed the link and all she wrote was “let me know what you think”.
    You know your purchase truly was logical and I would be willing to wager a bet that your hubby never says “no more …. (insert anything)” in the future.
    This is my first visit here and you can bet your sweet bippy that “I’ll be backkkk”.

  51. And in the coming years, whenever Victor gets in a snit over something silly like buying a few towels, all you have to do is lean over & whisper softly in his ear, “Knock, knock motherfucker!”

  52. Love this! I’m studying for the bar right now, and this is the hardest I’ve laughed in four weeks! Thanks.

  53. I’m mildly scared that you may be my clone because I nearly bought this exact same chicken, also for revenge purposes.

  54. I just read through ALL the comments, because the insulting ones are so hilariously ignorant.
    1. Who ever said it was Victor’s money?
    2. What the hell ass balls is up with the “permission” thing?
    3. IT’S A HUMOR BLOG, Y’ALL. Not really something that you can accurately psychoanalyse.

    P.S. Congratulations on Hailey swimming!

    Also, I am so intimidated by how perfect this post is that I probably have to quit my blog now.

  57. Totally awesome blog!!! I love it. Everyone should have a 5-foot metal chicken.

  58. I keep giggling over “knock-knock, motherfucker.” I’d have come home with a carload of towels, but the big metal chicken was so much better.

  60. I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This story is hilarious. Your giant metal chicken really puts my ceramic hen to shame. I’m going to break it right now.

  61. I laughed til I cried. My daughter sent me your link and then told me she could so see me doing this to her dad, of who I’ve been married to for 33 years. Best compliment ever! Thanks for a belly laugh!

  62. That is possibly the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you for making me and my husband laugh together!

  64. I so wish my husband would give ME enough money to buy such a chicken. But, that also assumes he would let me leave the house.

    Perhaps some are not ready for the phenom known as The Bloggess. In fairness, we should give them time to catch up.

  65. I think Nathan & Charlie Red are just mad their women can’t say they have 5ft cocks. They both have no sense of humor.

  66. I love it! I want one for my hubby! Our 2nd anniversary is fast approaching, and I think a big metal chicken would make an excellent anniversary present! I’d sure as hell appreciate one if I got one!

  69. So. Freakin. Funny. My husband was afraid I was hyperventilating as I laughed reading it over his shoulder (when I made him sit down to read it…did I say forced him to read it). I still can’t catch my breath when I read it over and over. Thanks for sharing!

  71. When giving directions to my parents ranch I tell people to look for the big metal chick as the landmark. Apparently there is a market for big metal chickens. Who knew?

  72. best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

  73. best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

  74. My wife and I have been married 20 years. This story made us laugh. HARD!!

    We figure most arguments early in a marriage are over the bigger things. Where to live, what schools to send the kids to. By the time you get to 15 or 20 years, it does come down to towels.

    When I asked my wife if she would have bought a metal chicken, she replied “I would have bought the towels in a color you Hate.”

  77. Your husband is a saint… mine would have killed me (not really). But that’s an awesome chicken. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.

    At least it’s not towels. 😀

  78. A friend sent this to me after I’ve had 3 crappy days and I laughed so hard I cried. My husband wanted to know what I was laughing about after been depressed for so long and I read it to him, now he is worried that I liked this so much, hahahahaha he keeps saying 100 DOLLARS ON A METAL CHICKEN! hahahahahahahaha I’ll be back for more things to frighten him with, thank you for that

  79. best laugh i’ve had in a while…and i’m still laughing! Where’s the ‘like’ button on this page?

  80. It sounds like you and your friend like to torment your husband.

    If it were me, you would not be worth the effort, and divorce is in the future.

    You are the type of woman that does not appreciate her husband for anything except giving you money to waste on junk.

    I feel sorry for your husband,

  83. Hey Anonymous 2046 – I have $100. You have no idea who I am or the relationship betwixt me and my husband or my personal taste. Could you PLEASE give me some marriage advice and tell me how to spend my money? Base it solely on your values and what is important to you. AND? Tell me your favorite joke, you funny bastard!!
    *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

  84. Holy crap, I cannot stop laughing. I was already in tears over “…this chicken will cut you,” then I really lost it when I saw the picture of the chicken standing at the door.
    Fabulous.

  86. Wow … doing a “Ctrl-F” and discovering that there are 182 *cock* occurrences in this post (and the related comments) was even too much for this homo.

  88. Ok, so I’m a 54-year-old guy, and my wife and I are about to celebrate our 29th anniversary in a couple of months. I’ve also read virtually every bloggess post (and most of what Jenny posts at other sites) since sometime in 2008. I loved this post, as did my wife and our daughter. I rarely comment, and I’ve held off here, but I feel compelled to respond to some of the judgmental criticisms that have been posted. I know Jenny is managing to find humor in them, but they do rather disturb me.

    I have a few problems here: First is that, regardless of however much pain many people are going through in this country right now, $100 just isn’t that much money anymore. $100 is about two tenths of one percent of the annual median household income, nationwide. This means that, for half of all households in the US, this is less than a half a day’s income. Unless someone is living well beyond their means to begin with, $100 isn’t going to make or break most families’ financial well-being. Moreover, if everyone with money stops spending, because of feelings of guilt, or fear of the future, or whatever, then the economy just never gets better. Charity is good, but jobs and a healthy economy is better. If you want to help the jobless get back on their feet, go out and spend money. Now. And yes, it really does work this way.

    The second problem I have is this idea that one spouse getting pissed about one little thing is an indication that the marriage is failing or likely to fail in the future. As someone married to the same person for almost three decades, I will say with some confidence that this perspective is just pathetic. Marriage is work, and it takes constant attention and true commitment to be sucessful. I have never seen a long-standing marriage absent of conflict — at least, not one that wasn’t a little creepy. Now, I have seen marriages wherein the partners rarely allow any outward sign of conflict, but if you know them well enough for long enough, eventually the guard comes down and the disagreements and disappointments start to show through.

    Perhaps this is the real “sin” that Jenny commited: Being so open as to let the world see their conflict. But trust me: Especailly if both partners are comfortable with it, this is healthy. And Jenny has been reporting these little spats with Victor (often, I expect, somewhat fictionalized) for years. If Victor had a problem with it, I very much doubt she’d still be doing this. A well-developed sense of humor is another one of those things that helps a marriage survive.

  91. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Your front door photo is gold. I will picture it every time I’m feeling upset. Sure cure! You rock, Sister!

  92. omg–love it
    think of the possibilities—–a santa hat a x-mas, tail feathers at thanksgiving, rabbit ears, and oh my a pumpkin mask !!! This is the gift that keeps on giving all year long

  93. “And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him.”

    I think I just tore my hymen (again) from laughing so hard.

    I know some women who would argue that it was “because of” their vagina. In fact, they’re working on the street across from my apartment building right now…

  94. I think you are pretty awesome and the kind of person I’d hand with! 🙂 For those who are giving you crap about it – they totally have NO sense of humor and it is YOUR business what you do with your money – buying 5′ chickens or giving to charity – certainly not theirs. If people can’t take a joke and laugh a little what good are they?? I thought it was awesome and the next time maybe he won’t be so opinionated and demanding in what you buy or don’t buy. Marriage is suppose to be 50/50 – most of the time anyway. If you both get along and do funny stuff like this and haven’t divorced by now or killed each other then no one has the right to say anything. I got a huge kick out of it. My husband would totally expect me to do something so random like that. He knows not to tell me to ‘not’ to do something. Simply doesn’t not work! You keep up the good work! I’m glad someone posted this on Facebook – soooo good! 🙂 Now I can go to sleep peacefully!!
    RMK

  96. I keep coming back to this post because its hilarious. The banter between you and Victor, to me, is very comforting that there are two other sick and twisted individuals that would get a damn good laugh out of harassing the shit out of each other. I’d do that. My friends love me for it 😉

    The negative comments that claim to sum up flaws in your marriage and most even say that you are headed for divorce actually shocked me. They based their assumptions on something that was meant to be funny. But, humor is the root of all evil in a marriage apparently!

    The negative commenter obviously…

    A) Is the epitome of perfection in all relationships. I bet they were picked first for every team, always got the girl and helps little old ladies cross the street. They are the perfect all american commenter we all wish we could be like. They are just that effin cool.
    B) Does not like big cocks
    C) Feels that a successful and happy marriage is based only on total obedience and void of sarcasm, banter and laughter
    D) Has cock envy
    E) Probably doesn’t understand the sarcasm in this comment
    F) Will probably now jump to my blog and leave me an insightful negative comment on how I suck at life because I don’t whine and laugh too much.
    G) All of the above

    I vote for G!

    Either way if a happy marriage is based on total obedience and being void of any fun, laughter, sarcasm and banter then I relish in the fact I’m a single Mom!

  97. Okay, seriously people? You complain that Jenny wasted $100 on a chicken which she purchased because she found it full of whimsy? You claim that the issue is that she ‘wasted’ $100? Yeah? Well, go picket the BMW dealership. Stand in the chips aisle of the grocery store. Sneer at people at the mall. Go find stores selling metal chickens or pedeggs or silk men’s shirts or personalized bowling balls and yell at the managers because they are selling things that are a waste of money. A lot of people spend $100 on something YOU don’t approve. Does it hit your pocketbook? NO. It’s HER money to spend. So it’s NOYB. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how she chooses to spend her money! People don’t have to take into account YOUR financial situation before they decide how to spend their own money. Your Mama should have taught you it don’t work that way!
    The commenter who said that it’s about the haves and have-nots… well, you’re right. But it’s a fact of life that some will have more and some less than you. You only have one life so look at yourself, not others. Everywhere you look you will find those more and those less fortunate than you. Jenny works for what she has. And sometimes between the hilarious posts you will see one about how she went to the emergency room in intractable pain from her crippling arthritis. Or you will see a post about all the miscarriages she suffered. Or her battles with depression and anxiety. Her life is not all sunshine and silly shopping trips. But if she can afford $100 to spend on a yard decoration which she loves, that’s her decision. You have been given your own life with its challenges and its rewards. Don’t look at what others have and envy them. Jenny worked hard to raise that money for charity. She put in long hours matching up donors and recipients. It didn’t come free or easy to her, either. You assume far too much. Instead of deciding that she must have had an easy time raising $42,000 because you perceive her to be privileged, try to raise $4200, yourself, for charity.
    For those who feel sorry for Victor, have you ever heard of the concept of a ‘straight man’ in comedic writing? That’s who Victor is. He’s the straight man. It wouldn’t be funny for her to go out and buy a metal chicken if she didn’t have him to react. If she just took it home and used it to hold the towels, we would all click away from the blog. There may be some hyperbole added to the blog for comedic effect. That’s how she sells ads, which allow her to buy wine slushies and met…. oh, never mind.
    Which leads to the final point. If this blog is not your cup of tea? You know how to click away! We’re not all alike so please exercise your immense powers to redirect your browser to asseenontv.com or whatever makes you feel right at home.
    Where the hell is Nancy Kappes, paralegal, when you need her? She’d tear these people a new asshole. Bless you Nancy, and R.I.P.

  98. Wow…what a selfish bitch! I guess the next time she told Victor not to stay out too late with the guys, she would find it funny if he came home early with a crackhead on the front door.

  99. Happy Anniversary for July 4th, we too celebrated our 15th anniversary this year (we thought it ironic to lose our independence that day). Sadly I don’t think I could top that gift for my hubby but you have given me some ideas, and some thoughts on my next shopping trip lol.

  100. The huge chicken out the front door is so funny, but It would scare me if it was waiting at my front door lol

  101. Laughter is what keeps the insane world from tearing us down. I’m pretty sure that theis metal chicken has earned its right to stand proud in having made many people laugh and giggle, and its just begun.
    now, as a fellow resident of houston who has an annual flamingo fest duirngth e lights in THE Heights it is second SAT in December, so there is time for us to help beyonce find something fun to wear! :_) Iona McAvoy

  104. I thought this was an absolutely HILARIOUS story!
    I did not read through ALL of the comments, but I read the first couple and then the last couple …. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE took offense to this story and/or tried to give you ‘marital advice’.
    I found both Leila & Rachel’s comments to be right on …..
    A marriage without ‘give & take’, that is totally devoid of humor, is a boring existence. Trust me … I KNOW.
    GOOD FOR YOU Ms. Blogess!
    (“Dude, nice chicken”)
    15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS!

  105. The lesson here for your husband isn’t that he needs to pick his battles more carefully, but that he needs to seriously consider divorcing your crazy ass.

  106. This is one of the greatest posts with cock referrals that i have ever read! bwhahaha!

    I love the Home Goods store – they have a seemingly large selection of ugly chicken/rooster items at any given time. I venture there to buy my sister’s presents as she collects those things and the last thing I bought for her was a 4 foot wide by 3 foot tall wire rooster that is an outside patio table….it’s like Jenny and I live parallel lives or something….:)

  108. What a hoot! I am dying to know if your friend Laura is my Texas daughter Laura. It sound like something she would do…especially if you to the bird home and she didn’t have it haning around her grayhounds.!
    Sooooooo funny.

  109. I have a neighbor who has a life sized metal moose in her yard. I wonder if she’d have it if her husband were still alive.
    This is hilarious!

  112. Thanks for the chuckles this morn I really needed that! P.s. I love the foul language makes me laugh even more (cuz it sounds like me) 😉

  113. Without a sense of humor – life is dull….Thanks you made me cry laughing 🙂

  114. I have not laughed this hard in a while! My husband was going right along with me.

  115. Love this story! It`s nice to see that other couples share the same sense of humor that hubby and I have. I sent this to hubby,and he laughed and laughed.

    Then he proceeded to tell me that 14 years (our next anniversary) is towels, not big metal chickens.

  116. Oh I LOVE those!!!! I actually (unsuccessfully) campaigned for one myself! I probably should have gone the surprise chicken ringing the doorbell route…

  119. This is one of the funniest stories I have read in a while. It sounds like something I would do. I think my husband learned a long time ago it is best to NOT try and tell me to not do something. 😀

  121. OMG – I have never laughed so hard on a Sunday morning. Tears are streaming down my face! A friend of mine posted your blog on Facebook – I am now a totally devoted fan.
    Dude, Nice Chicken.

  122. That is the most awesome ‘yard art’ I’ve ever seen. Have been laughing my A$$ of w/eyes filled w/tears for 5 minutes. Men are just not equipped for that type of threat. Also the towels would have cost more. LMAO

  125. Maybe you should try living a life where you actually have to watch your money only being able to buy things you can afford, think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100. Oh and your right picking your battles is correct but your the one who picked a battle over a bath towel why? Because you can’t handle Victor being right, you don’t actually need new bath towels?

  126. The funniest part about this post is the fact that there are actually people who think you have stayed married for more than three and a half minutes to a man who doesn’t get your sense of humor. People are fucking daft. And I love it. I hope to someday piss off this many people in an equally ridiculous way.

  129. Now that is some funny shit right there! I haven’t stopped laughing. I happen to get this blog from a girlfriend of mine, and have been down since my boyfriend shipped out for Army training in Missouri on Wednesday. Thanks for the laugh, I SO needed it! 🙂

  131. We (my sister and I) read this to my brother-in-law. He didn’t find it funny at all. Which, of course, made it all the more hysterical.

  132. Dang. Why’d it have to be the 15 year mark. If it was 20 I cold totally use this as a reason to get a 5 foot chicken for my wife in a couple years.

    For perspective I’d love to see a version of this from Victor’s side. I can see him sitting at a bar telling his buds (I picture him having buds, multiple) telling them all about it.

    “I just said I didn’t like the pink towels and she brought home this !@#$%^& chicken. I think she may be mentally disturbed”

    bud#1: “But she’s good in bed, right?”

    Victor: “True”

    Conversation over.

  133. A friend of mine shared this with me on FB and I could not stop laughing. This is something I would do! Thank you for the hystarical story, and possible future idea:) My husband has “banned” me from buying baskets…

  134. Where are your ads? I want to click on them to reward you with 2 cents for writing this gem. Make that goddamn chicken pay for itself already.

  136. What people need to remember is that as bloggers, we tell stories… plain and simple. Writing our stories is a small reflection of who we are… not the whole picture. Our readers don’t ‘know us’ just because they are a fan or a follower. Our families… friends… they’re the ones who know us and support us and from the small bit Jenny has shared about her marriage to Victor… there’s a lot of love, laughter and mutual respect between both of them. The writing… that’s just for fun… to make you laugh or think. Certainly bloggers put themselves “out there” and it draws criticism at times… but lets not forget that Jenny just wrote a funny story… that’s it anad that’s all. And… i’m pretty sure she wrote it with the support of her husband… knowing her humor and silliness as well as he does.

    Thanks Jenny for showing me the ‘lighter side of life’, for making me laugh until my sides hurt, for proving that all of my self consciousness and fears are “normal”, for teaching me that as bloggers we really can make a difference in the lives of so many (proven countless times by the money you’ve raised for your readers).

    Most importantly… thank you for the personal email when the man I was married to turned out to be a Giant Cock… your silly stories and inspiring journey really has gotten me through some of my very worst days.

    I don’t claim to begin to know you… but I definitely consider you a friend.

  137. I wish I knew you personally…You are my kind of girl. This made me laugh out loud, thanks!

  139. A friend of mine sent me the link to this posting …. and O.M.F.G!!!! Just hilarious!! Your husband is seriously lacking in the humor department, isn’t he? Poor thing…..

    But you are PRICELESS!!! Thanks for this!

  140. Hysterically funny! I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the caption, knock-knock, motherfucker, and I keep returning to re-read it and it continues to have the same affect. Bravo!

  143. Thank you for such a great laugh first thing this morning! If I had a hubby I would buy him a huge chicken as well! You are hilarious. Now if you could animate the chicken on a sensor – imagine the possibilities! Like the robot in Lost in Space! “Good morning Victor” every time he comes outside! teehee

  144. my chicken is only 2 ft tall…..i am jealous, very very jealous…….

    and the husband who cant laugh?……think about that.

  145. Normally a guy gets a blowjob on the anniversary.

    Granted, it’s not as enthusiastice as when you were dating, nor do they swallow as much, but it’s the thought that counts.

  147. I have read this post at least 10 times and to all of my friends and am still laughing hysterically. I NEED one of these chickens.

  148. Oh Jenny! There is a place in the French Quarter in New Orleans that sells OTHER ANIMALS!! I have a lime green flying pig with yellow wings!! Granted mine is only a foot tall, but I think they had bigger ones!!!!!!!!!

  149. This was so funny I laughed so hard my bladder stimulator turned off. This chicken is going to be famous. I don’t know where you live but you would be a very fun friend..

  150. hahahha, that was the first laugh I had today! I sure wish I had a giant chicken. The second best laugh of the day came when reading the comment by June above. She was all sanctimonious about the disrespecting marriage and then wound up the comment by saying “the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.” The pure douchyness of lecturing someone else on marriage, coupled with the self-righteousness of parenthood made this comment hysterical.

  151. I find it hilarious how many new people feel qualified to comment on the state of your marriage based on this one post. Then I imagined teleporting Beyoncé in front of their doors and couldn´t stop laughing. Knock knock, motherfuckers.

  153. Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

  154. Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

  157. Laughing so hard I scared my kids….have tears in my eyes and my sides hurt! THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!! (and giving me possible gift ideas!)

  158. A friend at my book club (who has the BEST sense of humor) recommended this blog to me yesterday. I just read this post and laughed so hard I cried. LOVE your sense of humor. Thanks for sharing. I have NO desire for a 5ft chicken, but I sure do like the story.
    Thanks for making my day.

  160. Oh sweet Beyonce. x D
    That.
    Was.
    Hilarious.
    Thank you for both making me nearly choke to death in laughter, and inspiring me to just live a little. Because I think everyone needs their own five foot metal chicken named Beyonce in their life.

  161. I think that’ll teach Victor not to tell you what u can and can not buy…maybe next time he will be careful with the battles and demands he choses…lol

  162. You ROCK Jenny!!! I needed a laugh today as my hubby and I have been disagreeing lately and wish I could find a big chicken for him just to make the point.

  165. I was presuming that your title was saying “Lesson to self – learn to pick your battles” But Noooo! Crabby, towel-purchase-denying husband needs to pick HIS battles!!! Excellent!!! INDEED – OTHER people need to LEARN that lesson, uh-huh, yeah, that’s what I said!

  166. So I decided to read this to my husband and at the very beginning he was all, “towels are towels” to which I responded by going to the bathroom and grabbing a bath towel and beach towel. I came back and said, “observe the absorbency of this bath towel.” He did and agreed it was very nice. Then I said, “now observe the non-absorbency of this beach towel.” After seeing the difference he understood why you have one of each. XD

    Also, very awesome post. I was cautioned to not present a 5ft chicken for our 15th anniversary, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of those times I conveniently forget. XD

  167. This reminds me of the time that I blogged about my husband telling me not to buy towels. Of course instead of going out and buying a big, metal man-chicken, I canceled my shopping trip. THen I got out my needle and thread and repatched and rehemmed all our towels. Later I made my husband a pot-pie and told him how it was the best day ever. The funny thing is, nobody read my blog post.

  168. My mom sent this to me in an e-mail after she and my dad read it. My dad almost busted a gut and they have been married for over 30 years. People are ignorant and silly with their mean sexist comments. I never comment on blogs, but I wanted to say thanks in a time that i have been feeling down and full of anxiety, this humor made my day. (And my best friend and I would totally have done the same thing!) I will continue to read your blog.

  169. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHERE THIS STORE IS – I HAVE TO HAVE ONE FOR MY GARDEN. MY NEIGHBOR NEXT DOOR HAS A MONKEY HANGING IN MY TREE THAT IS ON HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE AND I WANT THE GIANT CHICKEN (ROOSTER) TO FACE HIS POOL!

  170. Now, all you need to purchase is a big metal egg — think of Victor’s face the first time someone asks him, “What came first, the chicken or the egg”???? Gotta love it!

  171. Someone forwarded this to me and you are a hoot! The tears are streaming and I’ll now forward this to my “Victor” to gauge his reaction.

  172. Sounds like you enjoy playing abusive mind games. Two can play that game. Spending money uncontrollably will irritate MOST sensible people. Be glad you have Victor. At the minimum, I would have chained you to the chicken and looked at you suffer for awhile out the window. If that didn’t work, then you might have found yourself impaled by the overly sharp chicken during the night when I was getting up to get a drink of water. Then during the investigation I would site the facts that the chicken is clearly unstable, even having evidence from the clerk who had trouble with the thing in the store, just like you were for buying the chicken and wanting it in the bedroom. Everyone can be replaced, even a mentally unstable wife who likes to push things too far.

    Of course, before getting to that point, I would have left long ago and avoided this kind of behavior. I would have found someone more compatible and less mental. But to each their own.

  173. Jenny, I have read your blog for a very long time now. I have laughed, cried, and thought about life with you. However, this is the BEST. DAMN. POST. EVER.

  175. Hilarious story. It’s like a scene out of one Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels which I love, btw. And the photo of a five foot tall rooster ringing the doorbell is awesome.

  176. Hilarious blog post. One of your best, Jenny.

    I wonder if the owner of the business where you purchased the chicken/rooster/cock agrees that spending a $100 in her store was wasteful? I’m sure when she’s doing her payroll or paying her electric bill, she was cursing that extra $100 and wishing all those frivolous spendthrifts would stop patronizing her store. Jeez. Who needs them anyway?

  177. Pingback: Stuff I Starred Sunday – Beacuse I Really, Really Care « LucidLotusLife

  178. Please, please, fix it so you can hang hot pink beach towels from the chicken. So Beyonce becomes a giant-chicken-towel-butler.

  180. OK. The few men that commented are really pissed off because you made Victor look like a sap. But to the Victor goes the spoils, and that would be you and your metal chicken. If my wife brought home a 5′ metal chicken, I would name it Foghorn Leghorn, after my favorite cartoon character, and I would plant it on our front lawn so all the neighbors and passers by could see it, and wonder WTF is wrong with those people. Obviously, you are ashamed of your chicken, because you planted it BEHIND your house, among some bushes, where only Victor can see it. Why don’t you man up and put it on the front lawn, where it belongs.

  182. It’s official. I’ll be on the hunt for a 5-foot chicken now. I must do this to everyone in my neighborhood – although I think I should find something a bit lighter and sturdier…or maybe I’ll create my own!

    If only…

  184. OMG, not only is this hilarious, but I totally would have brought the rooster home too. If you really want to get rid of it and are in the Bay Area, shoot me an email.

  185. What did you you get him for your 3rd year anniversary? I was thinking of getting my hubby a little rubber chicken to start small. For 15 years, that is the best gift ever.

  186. I love it. That is the best news I have heard in years. I can not stop laughing. This was priceless. You got more than your moneys worth. 🙂 Have a great day.

  188. Too freakin funny. You know the poor guy is never going to hear the end of it or stop getting chicken gifts for the next 20 years. That’ll teach him to not let you buy towels next time! I once tortured my husband with a big ass heavey 40 pound wooden carved monkey that I made him drag all over Africa so could have it in my office. That poor guy still hate monkies to this day.

    Love your blogs!

  190. Wow. If this many people are pissed off about a chicken what must they think of the soon to be saint James Garfield?

  191. Hysterical! And I’m a chicken fanatic too. Too bad she ruined the entire thing with all the “and I was all like this” and “she was all that” and “Victor was all like”. You had a great story, spoiled in large part by the telling. Just leave out the vernacular next time. Oh, “vernacular” means “stupid trendy crap that people use to describe normal things”.

  193. I found a link to this post on Twitter, and oh my gosh. I love you. I wish I had a husband to tease XD
    Also I love the name Victor. Just throwing that out there.

  195. The photo by the door’s hilarious! And I LOVE your wit! This is my first time reading your blog but I did note that Bloggess rhymes with Goddess – how apropo!

  196. I love it! I showed it to my husband, and 2 days later told him we needed new towels. He sighed and said “Well, at least its not a chicken” 🙂

  197. I’ve already commented, but I had to come back and tell you that I have read this at least once a day because it makes me laugh out loud every freaking time. I was near Home Goods the other day and the urge to go in and hunt for a chicken was damn near uncontrollable.

  198. OMG!!!!!! I am legit laughing uncontrollably over this! Beyonce the chicken? A big metal chicken!?!?!?! Hhah, I hope this is my life when I’m married one day!

  199. Thank you for this post. I laughed throughout and am now going to find you on twitter. Seriously. Funny.

  200. I found and purchased a big metal chicken!! My best friend suffered a personal loss recently and I haven’t seen her really just laugh since then. We are sharing custody of our chicken, whom we named Maybelle. Thank you so much for making us laugh, even when we didn’t think we could!

  201. I’ve been married 36 yrs and never came across a metal 5′ chicken! I’m gonna look for one before the 37th anniv. so i can present “him” with the best anniversary present anyone could give! i have rubber chickens which I hung from a string in the stairway of our bedroom but a metal 5′ chicken is the ultimate!
    You Rock!! 🙂

  202. I am quite certain this is the funniest blog post in existence. You’re amazing.

  204. I can’t believe how many people are freaking out over spending $100 on something. It’s 100 bucks. It’s not like she sold her house to buy lawn art and then had no yard to put it in because it was sold like some fucked-up Gift of the Magi scenario. People have the right to spend their money on whatever they see fit to spend it on. And if I could find a 5-foot frog in my neck of the woods, that sucker would be mine, even if $200 of it wasn’t free.

  205. Is your husband’s name really Victor? Because that’s a great name for a bloggess’s husband. Much funnier than if his name were Chris, Tom, or Sam. (or Bob, Dave, Justin, Jason, Blaine, etc.)

    And… maybe I’m old and traditional, but I would never stand for any interference in my linen closet affairs from a husband. Husbands do not get to have an opinion about any kind of towels except shop towels. Shop towels stay in the shop, and are not allowed in the house.

    These younger guys who can be depended on to turn the oven down to 350 in 30 minutes, and who wash dishes, have their good points, but a husband (who I assume is a straight man) has NO BUSINESS even BRINGING UP the subject of towels much less expressing an opinion about the timeline of purchasing them. They can say they like bath sheets better than regular size bath towels if that opinion is solicited by their wife but they are not permitted to give any unsolicited preference of color or any other towel attribute.

    Same thing for sheets, pillowcases, blankets, duvet covers, quilts, bedspreads, dust ruffles, pillow shams, and throws. Curtains, tablecloths, and placemats also follow the linen closet rule: Husbands butt out, this stuff is none of your business.

    Yes, I have a husband, same one since 1981. He says he likes high thread count 100% cotton sateen sheets but only when asked. He has slept on solid colors, (colors my choice) and dainty florals without complaint or remark of any kind, which is just as it should be.

  206. O. My. Gosh. Absolutely the most hilarious things i’ve seen in months. Was linked from my best friend’s FB page. And the whole time i was reading I could envision us totally having the same conversation and loading that big-ass chicken in my truck. The doorbell pic was a surprise however and I laughed and cried uncontrollably…..the pieces of wood across her feet to keep her from tipping over sent me over the edge…lol…what a great end to the weekend. AND I love the idea of making beyonce a towel rack!!! You’ll have to supply more pics of beyonce’ along to let us know what she’s up to…lol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  207. Funniest damn thing I’ve read in a long time. “Knock-knock, motherfucker”…freaking classic. Totally can picture my wife and I having this same scenario happen to us and appreciate that other people are as crazy as us.

  208. Too funny!! I have a different metal chicken that drives my husband nuts too and thats why we still have him. I call him “art” cause he is a work of art. 🙂 My husband has even heard women he works with talking about buying chickens for decorating their home with. He cant get away from the “chicken.”. Lol

  209. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. I am still pissing myself. Funniest shit I’ve read online in…EVER. And my husband even agreed even though he was CRANK.EEEE because I woke him with my choking gasps as I read this. (He was concerned that I was “in danger.”) Truly, stupendously and awesomely funny.

  210. Damn- I was totally unaware that the 15th anniversary was giant metal chickens. I’m totally missing out!

  211. After I just celebrated and blogged about my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband’s stepmother passed this blog on to me so I could read a very different anniversary story. Hilarious. I’m hooked. Note to self: 15th anniversary is giant metal chicken.

  212. OMG I’d love to meet you or even shop with you….I laughed so hard….My friend send me this and said it’s me all over and yes I would have got the chicken but hide the towels

  214. I really needed a good laugh and I got one full-on with tears. Thank you!!!!

  216. This was the funniest f&cking thing I read all week. I started wheezing from laughing so hard at the “Knock, knock motherf&cker” photo caption. O.M.G.

  218. Perspective. Now Victor has it.

    I also love how many people have accused you of wasting ‘his’ money. Even if he is the only income-earner in the household, it’s still YOUR money. If you stay home, cook, clean, raise a child, and have sex with Victor, then you work too. If he was paying somebody to do all those things for him, I’m pretty sure the bill would far exceed the $100 you spent. I’m not saying this for Victor’s benefit, since he seems like a really cool guy, but for the benefit of those who think a woman who stays home doesn’t work and therefore has no right to the bank account. Which isn’t even the case for you, since you DO work, and damn hard by the looks of things.

    You are awesome. Never stop being you.

  219. Crazy delightful sense of humour …. the chicken is just so outrageous it has me thinking that it should have a set of adventures… akin to the postcards of the stolen garden gnomes in Europe etc!!!! Keep on writing… this is great stuff!

  220. This is the funniest blog post I have read in forever…Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken, anyone?

  221. Wow…I just realized you write for the Chronicle and live in the same area as me! You should definately Travel that Chicken!!

  222. And @ Rachel Y. (#2092)

    AMEN!!! If Nancy could see this, this post would have been 1000% better than it is, and it is 1000% better than any post I have ever read. That would be like…I don’t know, a metric shit-ton of amazing. I’m bad at math. But just think: Knock-knock Motherfucker meets Carry On, Motherfucker. Jenny’s servers would have just imploded from the sheer awesomeness.

  223. This post was hilarious, but what’s even more laughable are the ridiculous comments. I bet when you posted this you didn’t expect the handfuls of unwarranted marriage advice? After reading a number of your posts, I’m assuming Victor knew what he was getting into when he married you (good man.) You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is a quality some of the commenters on this post need to adopt. Your husband doesn’t seem like the kind of man who would harbor “resentment” over a damn chicken, and you, or any woman for that matter, shouldn’t feel the need to stroke your husband’s ego because you happen to be blessed with one hell of a sense of humor. So basically what I’m saying is, your zest for life is admirable. You’re not a “man basher” or a bad wife. To hell with the haters.. they can marinate in their resentment and enjoy the stick up their asses.

  224. Best laugh I’ve had in years. Everyone needs a little chicken in their lives!!!

  225. NEWS FLASH: HR departments have been issuing paycheques/checks to people with vaginas for at least five years now. Yeah, sure, I have to get them issued in my husband’s name and he has to take them to the bank for me, but STILL.

  227. Holy Hannah — I just leaked pee. Everything about this situation screams hilarious.
    Love it.

  228. I don’t think I would have bought the chicken, well I know I wouldn’t have, but I love your blog post on it! Cheered up my day immensely.

  230. I was laughing OUTLOUD! I was referred to your blog by damomma.com, and I’m so happy I read your post you crack me up!

  232. Is Victor really this much of a jerk? Wow. Sounds like you have a great sense of humor which is what marriages need. How could anyone not think Beyonce is not funny?

  233. jenny the bloggess, if you tried to get together with charlie red then there might be some kind of statutory rape issue. because his writing styles makes him sound around 15…. so please rethink those future moves : )

  234. Do you actually read comment #2223? Even if you don’t, I have to tell you how giddy I am with excitement knowing that next year on our 15th wedding anniversary, there will be some serious chicken fun in this coop. I <3 you. And Beyonce. (the brightly colored metal one) (though I will get up and shake my groove thing to "All the Single Ladies" if it's on) (Even if I do dance like the queen of Wonder Bread)

  236. OMG! You are hilarious! My husband better watch out, or he’ll end up with a chicken, too! Chickens are hilarious. I love that you named it Beyonce. I’m sure this is nothing you haven’t heard before in all these comments, but I LOVE it.

  237. “Knock Knock, motherfucker!” This is quite possibly the best line ever said by anyone! Thank you for making me laugh outloud, twice!

  239. My wife and I own a 5 foot metal chicken as well. Birds love to nest in it. It is a litmus test for assholes. If people like it well chances are I like them if not chances are they are uptight dicks. We live on the main drag of a small town and people say that they feel they are home when they pass it at night (we keep seasonal lights on it year round, not just for x-mas anymore). Cracks me up the people that get pissed about it. We’ve had ours for about 5 years(paid full price). I think I got it for our anniversary too. We are now saving up for an 8 foot T-Rex same sort of construction. If you don’t like it, pay my taxes!

  240. Wow. So basically your marriage is all about disrespect for your husband. You do things purposefully, that you know will make him angry simply for the benefit of making him angry. What a wonderful wife you are. Don’t be surprised when he tells you to take your chicken AND your pink beach towels and GTFO.

  243. First of all: 2230 comments????? Now THAT is impressive!!!!! A friend sent me over here to your blog and as soon as I wipe the tears of laughter offf my face so I can see, maybe I will type better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are one funny lady! Thanks for the GREAT laugh. As for Victor, he will mellow. I ahve been married for 43 years and they do….mellow. I love Beyonce!!!!!!!! XO, Pinky

  245. This is now my litmus test for new relationships. If a guy doesn’t find this blog entry funny, then he’s not date material. I’m happy to say that my current boyfriend was doubled over laughing from this last night. His favorite part was the fact that Beyonce’ was in front of Victor’s ONLY window. He may be a keeper.

  246. Holy crap…step away from the internet for a week and miss a chicken shit storm. Beyonce is really bringing out everyone’s relationship baggage. I’m thinking you could make a fortune selling your Big Chicken Interpersonal Evaluation (patent pending) to family therapists. Or matchmakers. It would definitely screen out the undesirables. Just be grateful the hostiles didn’t stumble upon your parenting column.

  248. So your husband told you to stop wasting money and your response was to waste money in the most spectacular fashion possible? Good plan. Having zero resect for your spouse is always a winner. I wonder if Victor and his mistress ever have a laugh at your expense. I shall look for that blog.

  250. I think you need to post your address so eveyone can send you & Victor towels as an anniversary gift rom all over the world………we can all address them to Victor and he can have more towels then he knows what to do with!!! NOW THAT IS A LASTNG LAUGH WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CHICKEN AND THE MAIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

  251. You could always bring the chicken to South Carolina. They have big gamecock fans here…>>LOL

  252. Excellent column. I don’t even think this is your best stuff and I wonder why now the increase in traffic. You must have hit the critical point – well done.

    Unfortunately many don’t get your humor and I admire the way you handle criticism, at least publicly. Of course you may have to your father take away your mother’s internet access again.

    And for those critical of Victor – he is the straight guy in her/their comedy routine. The George to her Gracie, the Abbot to her Costello, but more of the Silent Bob type. That is all I have to say about that.

  253. I’d like to order these chickens for every WAmu exec and his wife that were a party to the company’s demise. These are to be put where the sun don’t shine! Let’s see how that chicken scratches ! Might be good company if they end up behind bars!

  254. I came over because Jay said you were awesome. She was right, you so are!! This is fucking hilarious!! I about pissed myself laughing. I need a 5 ft chicken, it would piss my husband off. Maybe I’ll get one for our 5 yr anniversary and tell him it’s his present too. LMFAO! Your newest follower too, btw :o)

  255. Okay, that is the funniest damn thing I have seen in weeks! Saw the link on my friend’s facebook wall and had to check it out. I am COMPLETELY getting my husband a huge metal chicken for our anniversary now. Trip to Vegas? No? Why? Vegas comes and goes in a weekend, but a huge metal chicken is FOREVER! HA!

  256. I saw the chicken at HEB this weekend and freaked out as if I had seen a celebrity.

  257. About 10 years ago I bought a gold metal Knight in Shining Armour for about the same price that you paid for your chicken. I cut myself on him 4 times just carrying him to the car. Sharp edged bastard. His name is George and he sleeps with me. Not in my bed, he’s too sharp.

  258. That’s the funniest f*^@ing story I’ve think I’ve ever read. I laughed until I cried and was actually banging my hand on the desk.

  259. I’ve come back to read this several time and posted a link to it on my blog. I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but I just had to tell you, after reading some of these comments that there is a good Brene’ Brown quote that might be of use to you: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the Jackass Whisperer.”

  260. I read this and chuckled … then read again and laughed until my eyes watered. I’m going on 20 years of marriage and could totally relate.

  261. You deserve the divorce coming your way. Every chick here who says “I’d like to piss off my husband” will be divorced and having to make their own money for once after he finally finds his balls and dumps you.

  263. Obviously the giant chicken – (actually, to be fair, it appears to be a giant rooster) has brought joy to more than just you and your friend. This big fellow is sure to bring joy to you and everyone who see’s it for years to come! Had I seen it, I would have bought himself. Did you know there’s a band named “Big uh… Rooster?” Substitute the other name for rooster there). If you love big 80’s hair bands, you will love them!

  265. Seriously laughed until I cried, and stopped breathing briefly. All better now, but my 75 year old German mother-in-law is super jealous and wants a Beyonce of her own for her yard. Now I have to scour the world for a damn chicken for her. I’ll get one for me too… and leave it on doorsteps. Maybe we can start a chicken movement for world peace, or manure or something?

  266. Could be worse. I got a revenge kitten once and it lived for 16 years. And she snarled and scratched at everyone but me until the day she died.

    How good does it feel to know there are thousands of women who just want to have coffee with you, and maybe go shopping once in while? For chickens. Thanks for the laughs!

  268. You should make a video of this one. You could win an Academy Award in the short films category for it.

  270. Sooo to prove your husband wrong for not wanting you to buy towels, which I am sure you _wanted_ not _needed_ you went out and spent money on a giant metal rooster, that you didn’t need. What point does this prove, except cementing to your husband that you’re irresponsible with money.

    I think your husband is the victor in this, not you. All you’ve done is further perpetuate the stereotype of women as over emotional wackjobs with no common sense.

    “Don’t want me to spend $40 – 50 or whatever on new towels, I’ll show you by spending $100 on a giant metal chicken that serves 0 purpose!! HA HA, I showed you” Yeah, you really showed him honey.

  271. I should have bought my ex one since that will be only one she will get .

  272. I don’t know what made me click on my friend’s FB to view this site, but I have already been through 3 kleenex laffing and crying and pounding the desk trying to breathe.
    I have seen cocks that had to be pumped up, ones you injected, but I have never seen one this BIG nor this colorful! I shall treasure this link as I pass it on to all my friends. Thank you for the best read in ages!

  273. That was freaking hysterical. I love your “I’ll show you” attitude… If he hadn’t made the towels a forbidden purchase, Beyonce might never have come home with you. Maybe…

  274. You are so fabulous and my sons thought it amazing- right up this mom’s alley- do you live in Ohio btw- I would by him off you to put outside my chcekn coop tp scare the stupid rooster that drives me nuts and yes my husband woud be like yours but he would get even! That’s why i love him so!

  275. That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time..the chicken at the front door..the caption just threw it over the top. Perfect. I’m showing this to my husband, so he’ll appreciate the fact that I haven’t done this..yet.

  276. I have a caption for the pic of you holding Beyonce…Cockadoodledoo, any cock will do!

  278. Can I please not write my blog today and just repost this one? I’d change the names, of course, and photoshop my face standing next to the chicken. This was hilarious. I want a five foot chicken for my five foot square studio apartment. And one to scare away snakes (and men with no sense of humor).

  282. Bloggess, I want to build a 5-foot chicken for my GF. Noticing you posted #1 & #6 pictures… you are obviously holding out on on your CHICKEN PICS! Can you post others so I can build to spec?! I have no imagination- THX!

  283. You don’t need new towels, or a 5′ tall metal chicken. You need a divorce. Victor is a petulant jackass. If new towels make you happy, get the towels. Threatening to strangle you? Storming off and slamming his office door? He’s a toddler having a tantrum. Ditch the jackass. Get new towels. And name the chicken Victor.

  284. That is totally awesome and Hilarious!!!!! I love it and need a big chicken of my own!!!! hahahhahahah

  285. My husband and I agree that this story is HILARIOUS and that that chicken is totally worth a hundred bucks. I first read this post while sitting in the middle of a mind-numbingly boring teacher workshop and had to stop reading halfway through because there was no way that anyone was going to believe that I was actually paying attention to the presentation if I started giggling hysterically.

    As for the critics…dudes, maybe your marriages fell apart because you have no sense of humor? Or because you’re stone-age misogynists–love the whole assumption that women must always be spending their HUSBAND’s money, not their own.

  287. Hey Sweetie!

    I have two! Unfortunately, mine are only a foot and a half tall and my real live chickens love to hang out with them in front of the bird feeders! Thanks for the laugh!

    By the way, please tell me the UPS guy didn’t deliver towels to you from your husband for your anniversary!

  288. If I were Victor, I would be shagging the hell out of Laura, right after you pulled some idiot move like that. Basically, sharing the “cock” if you will……. then I would mount ” Beyoncé ” over the fireplace, and have a family reunion (your side). Which I would go into great detail (especially with your grandmother….assuming you have one that hasn’t died of embarrassment yet) as to your blatant ignorce to a dollar well spent and a dollar earned. Im sure you are unemployed (or have some BS part-time job) so you can feel somewhat worthy. I only assume that you’re the typical user of men, because of your vagina (which I am sure is getting old to Victor, especially when you act like this). Victor obviously has a good job and works hard to earn the money you don’t appriciate. Hopefully, he banged-the-hell out of some sweet 18 Year old, which, he probably did because you’re too ignorant to give him the respect he deserves. So, good on Him for getting the last laugh ……PS —- this is why you think he’s such a “good sport” about your towels…….you’d be wise to “pick your arguments better”. Chicks….all the same……..LMFAO!

  289. That is awesome. I’d have totally bought a $100 giant metal chicken. And I love that your main motivation was annoying Victor. Guess he won’t threaten you over towels anymore, will he?

  290. Loved this post so much I shared it with all my friends and a few coworkers. Was rewarded today with a little metal chicken surprise on my laptop when I came back from lunch. He had a post it note that said “Knock Knock” – awesome!

  291. Hil-fucking-arious!!!! “Knock knock, motherfucker” nearly made me choke!!! Thanks for the laughs ~ you rock!!!

  293. Add to bucket list “1x 5ft Metal Chicken” to torment husband!!
    Gotta love it!!!

  294. OMG..I have been married 10 years and you have just.set.the.bar! LOVE IT! I read it to my husband …while cracking up…and he just shook his head. But he best prepare! 15 years…GIANT CHICKEN…BOOYAH!

  295. Oh. MY. GAWWWWWWWD.
    I said OK and went to watch TV…
    Love that beyonce is peering in – he/she is precious –
    LOVE the SCENE in the story…
    Oh no! The chicken has a shiv!

    I. Will. Stalk. You. Now.
    Be. Afraid. *winks*

  296. I thought I was going to pass out from my lack of being able to breathe. Why was I unable to breathe? Because I was laughing so hard!!! There is nothing quite like a 5-foot metal chicken sitting at your front door. Seriously, I think I’ll be giggling about that on my way to bed. A 5-foot metal chicken…BA HA HA HA!

    Jen

  297. Joe needs to know this chick (Grandma) has made her own money since she was 16. Been married for almost 30 years. Has a husband who does not find humor in this blog , any more than when the kids tell him to dust off his money when he opens his wallet. But just like our parents (God willing) will be married till the day one of us dies. For one reason I did not marry a jerk like Joe. I’m sure Joe will end up alone if anyone he hooks up with can chew their own leg off to get away from him. Pretty sure there would have to be chains involved for him to have someone around in the first place.

  299. I love this entry — I burst out laughing at everything you write– I wish that you had a picture of Victor staring at the metal chicken!!

    R-

  301. Wet my pants laughing and after I cleaned up I sent this to Amy (*my* Laura). You are one funny chick (pun intended) and I want to be your friend. 🙂

  303. This is too, too funny. My daughter-in-law sent this to me because they bought us one of these chickens a couple of years ago. This year for Father’s day we got my husband a 5 ft. Pink Flamingo because apparently we had to have it to honor our trailer trash status. There is a store west of Abiline that we passed yesterday that had 4 chickens about 8-10 feet tall. I wanted to stop so bad.

  304. you don’t need me to tell you this, but this if F-ing awesomely funny. I’m in awe. That is all. #winning

  306. Oh dear god this was funny. It is my first time here and took me 4 days to make it through the post and all (currently 2266) posts. SO freaking funny, I can’t wait to go read more posts. I shared with my husband and he A) also thought it was hilarious B) keeps saying “knock knock motherfucker” and C) wants one of those chickens, as do I (Also need to agree with the poster who said it IS a chicken, a chicken is a chicken is a chicken. Chicken is not gender specific, all chickens are chickens, females are hens, males are roosters/cocks. So, although he has a decidedly feminine name, Beyonce is, in fact, both rooster/cock and chicken).

    As for the naysayers.

    #1 lighten up, this is a comedy site, most likely the story has been fabricated or at least embellished for comedic purposes

    #2 WTF? “HIS” money? Who said? First off she never said the argument regarding towels was because they couldn’t afford new towels and secondly how the hell do YOU know who earned said money? Like you haven’t blown a certain amount of money on something silly? Do you know how much money they have? I don’t. For all we know they are millionaires and wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills and therefore this $100 wouldn’t even blip their budget, let alone hurt it. Can *I* afford to piss away $100? Sometimes but not often. Totally not relevant to whether or not they can. Doesn’t mean I have to hate on someone who can. I’m HAPPY there are people who can afford to buy stupid shit that makes them happy.

    #3 SHE thought it was funny, HE thought it was funny (later) and she had his blessing to write the post, post it and is supportive of her in general so obviously they are doing something right. I hope your relationship is as stable. Just because you and your spouse don’t have the same relationship as Jen and Victor doesn’t mean it isn’t working out very well for them. It’s not the same as ours and the above situation wouldn’t have gone on as it did in our house either but if it works for them who the hell are you to be pissy about it?

    #4 If you are going to take the story literally and with no sense of humor, why is Jen the only one getting shit on here? Hell Victor threatened to kill her if she bought a towel and she’s the only bad guy in the story? Hell I’d much rather a 5 foot “fuck you” chicken response to being threatened bodily harm if I didn’t follow orders.

    Going to go read more posts now…

  307. I laughed to hard I cried while reading this outloud to my husband. I have an intense facination with giant chickens ever since I was a kid. The little town I grew up in had a restaurant right in the middle of it called The Burger Den/Dairy Dip… and on top was… you guessed it… I giant chicken!!! I was an adult, married with children but CRIED the day they took that chicken down. I even made my kids stand in the rain to take a photo with a giant chicken on the side of the road in Cave City Kentucky..so I would sooooo be buying a 5ft chicken! And I would position it to stare over the fence at my neighbor… that is so stiff she could use a some cock in her life to lighten her mood!

  308. Since I read this post two days ago I’ve seen no less than TWO other 5 foot chickens. So glad I found this first.

  309. I had the worst day. Then i come home and found your blog. Your chicken made my day. You are now my favorite person ever.

  310. OMG, I literally was laughing out loud while reading this. My coworkers probably thought I was nuts. Excellent writing! =)

  311. Oh and also, after I got sidetracked from laundry by reading these posts, my husband very carefully asked me if I was going to do anymore laundry because he needed work shirts washed (and before anyone gets there panties in a wad, laundry has been our sole area of contention in our marriage – in that I want to be the only one to do laundry, however I am forgetful and easily distracted so sometimes it builds up before I remember to do it – or finish it. It has taken me a good long while to convince him to remind me or request I do laundry rather than doing it himself). I jumped to and thanked him for reminding me. I then added “Just don’t word it ‘Hey dumb bitch go do the laundry’ or you will get a 5′ chicken for your trouble”. He laughed and walked away muttering “Knock knock motherfucker” hehe. Excuse me, need to go move clothes into the dryer…

  312. I’m sure that’s a hysterical story to share at your book club meetings, and the self-esteem boost from all these clucking hens (pun intended) likely substantial… but your just going to have to take it in stride when ‘Victor’ divorces you and burns your cloths.

    All men have their limit, and mine is WAY below wasting $200 on a tin chicken.

  313. You should rent him out to women for their anniversarys!!
    Every girl would die for a 5′ cock!

    Imagine the envy of the men in the neighborhood?

    And, how can we get him to my house?

  315. Great read, but the pictures suggest that you unknowingly purchased a 5 foot rooster. Yep, the crest on it;s head, and the swooping of the tail suggests it is a male chicken…

  316. This. Is. Awesome.

    I laughed my ass off the entire time I was reading this article, and then my husband told me that I’m an idiot.

  318. That is one AWESOME cock! This is the funniest thing Ive seen in a long, long time. Thank you! (BTW, my fiance and I have the towel discussion quite a bit as well.)

  321. Your sarcasm is hilarious! I think i’d like to hang out with you and your friend Laura when I get in a fight with my “victor” 🙂

  322. I am here absolutely dyin’ – laughed so hard my sides hurt and I’m still trying to catch my breath. I am SO copying the link to send to my friends. Just unbelievably hilarious.

    YOU ROCK. lol

  325. I’ve just seen your blog for the first time…the metal chicken.

    This has got to be the funniest, yet most sensible thing I’ve read in years. I want a chicken of my own. A five foot one. He can be the big brother to Gustov, our hand carved, jointed chicken and his chicken friends, Woody (also a carved chicken) and Pudge.

    I’m a songwriter….and I love good writing. You, madam, are brilliant. I’ll be visiting your blog again. And again. And again.

  327. My hubby has decided he needs to make some of these chickens and sell them, as you’ve created quite the demand and there’s no Home Goods here in my part of Florida. Thanks for giving him the inspiration!

    Also, he and my 15yo son totally got it, loved it and laughed out loud while I read the post to them (twice, ’cause I was laughing so hard the first time). And they also totally get that money in a family belongs to the whole family… which is good for them, ’cause I’m the sole wage-earner in our family right now, even without a Y chromosome.

    To the hater who keeps posting under different names (and to his li’l buddy whom he has obviously recruited to post more and nastier comments), that Y-chromosome thing? That means I’m a woman. A woman who supports her family by paying all the bills. Guess what? The days when men were the sole source of income in a family? They ended long before you were born (sometime between 1960 and 1980, I’d hazard) and most women today don’t need men to subsidize (that means “pay for”) their lives. And no, before your twisted and misogynistic minds go there, these women are not “lesbos” or “manhaters”. As for making a decent enough living to allow you to afford to spend $100 on whimsy, good luck. Based on your lack of ability to type and spell (as demonstrated in your redundant comments above), you will need it. I won’t even try to guess about the state of your love life, although your comments tell a pretty depressing story of anger, bitterness, immaturity, intolerance and a frustrated need to dominate some quiet little lady who “knows her place.” Yeah, um, good luck with that, too.

    —-
    Love you, Jenny, and Victor. Hope your vacation has rocked.

  328. Apparently Nate and Joe don’t know what humor and sarcasm are all about.

    Rock on Jenny!

  329. I think Beyonce’ and Victor need to read “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency” by Daniel Pinkwater. Beyonce’ so s/he doesn’t get a complex about being an unloved giant chicken. And Victor because it will help put the whole towel v. chicken thing into even better perspective.

  330. Oh and commenter #296, charlie Red, knows even less about sarcasm, yet calls himself a hipster. wow. and he posted about this post, but disallowed comments. How’s that for understanding humor?

  331. Thanks for the huge laugh!!! My son has cancer and is going thru his second stem cell transplant. I needed a laugh right now!

  332. God I just snorted my yogurt! I’m glad you and my sister are not acquainted. She gave me bronzed rhino poop on a plaque one year for my birthday with the inscription “You’re #2” and that’s not even skimming the surface.

  333. Victor. You are a lucky man. Plus, they always say the crazy chicks are the best in bed. Count your lucky start Victor. And I will count mine, for finding this blog. I just feel so pleased now, knowoing there are people like The Bloggess out in the wide world.

  334. OMFG!!!! SSSOOOOO funny!!!! Poor Victor but Well Done you!!! Why aren’t I this interesting? First time I’ve seen your blog (via a FB post from a friend) but will deffo look out for you <3

  335. Damn, girl, the responses are almost as good as your post. lmao

    For the haters – you’ve got some choices available to you on the Internet for an unlimited time!

    – Take a seat in the STFU Cafe, and have a cup of sarcasm with a piece of pie. It won’t kill you. Though, the waitress might, and perhaps her newfound fans.
    – Find a fire hydrant and do some deep knee bends on it. And for a limited time, you can have some battery acid thrown in for lube!

    Call now! – Operators are standing by…

  337. My friend just found her own Beyonce….and yes paid the $200 for her. Worth every penny. This has made mine and several of my friend’s week! Thanks!!!!

  339. I went to Home Goods this weekend with my daughter. Our Home Goods had 3 metal chickens about 3 feet high that seem to have been from the same collection. I started laughing so hard that other shoppers looked at me askance. My daughter too.

  340. I am wiping the streaming tears from my face. That is the absolute most fantastic post I’ve ever read. Ever. First place. Blue Ribbon. Thank you so much for making my day. I feel like now I cannot live without a 5′ metal creature. Probably not a chicken, though. You’ve done that — and done it far better than anyone else ever could.

  341. Unlike most of the ladies here, I’m unimpressed, and think your husband don’t deserve this ill-conceived attempt to be cute. I think I’m more bothered by the $100 pricetag than anything, if you did this with something $10, I think it’d be completely different.

  342. I think your awesome for doing it. I have one “those” kind of husbands but it’s sooo nice to hear that husbands like THAT happen everywhere. Your blog is awesome! KUDOS!

    Suzanne (Texas, mother of 4 and step mom to 2) That’s right, 6 total! (14 my boy, 11 my girl, 10 my boy, 8 my girl, 8 his girl, 5 his son) Enjoy life….and thanks for sharing and making me smile..;-)

    Suzanne Ochoa

  343. Okay a link to this post was forwarded to me by a work colleague and as usual I’m laughing out loud reading Jenny’s blog. I will make a note to self that the traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is a 5′ metal chicken complete with two logs to stabilize the feet so she doesn’t tip over and fall on my front door.

  345. I feel sorry for Victor. [Note: we didn’t hear his side of the towel issue – maybe there are so many friggin’ towels in the cupboard there’s not even room for his shaving cream]

    Anyway, you bought a big, silly, metal chicken, lugged it home and when it didn’t piss him off standing on the front door step you basically said it was revenge for opposing your towel purchase. So, you kept after him until you did piss him off. And somehow you think something’s
    wrong with Victor? The man is a saint.

    Maybe he’d stop being one of “those” husbands if you stopped turning him into one… or maybe he’ll find someone else.

  346. I forwarded this to my fiance and told him it was premarital counseling. You’re practically a therapist, Jenny. 🙂

    I think a Beyonce would be a KICKASS wedding guestbook. 😉

  349. I don’t think she did it to piss Victor off. I think it was just more of a practical joke. if a marriage doesn’t have humor and laughter, then what is the point? He made his point clear when he told her he would strangle her if she brought home another towel. Now, I’m sure that was his joke. They were just turning what WAS an argument into a joke. My husband’s comment was, “that’s just weird!”

  350. I would totally start decorating it with some other cheezy from the dollar store plastic yard stuff. And since it’s summer you should wrap a towel around the chickens neck, in case he wants to go swimming. I mean afterall, you don’t want him to be out there all alone do you?

  351. There is a restaurant less than ten blocks from where I live that has a five-foot rooster that I think is even classier because you can still read the stencils on the sides of the drums it was made from. It is one where I often took my father (birthday July 4th, 1930) to breakfast after his therapy sessions during his final months of life.

    Also, at one time I was serving people who lived behind a front door a whole lot like yours. It was guarded by a one-foot metal duck.

  356. I love the fact that when I googled “knock knock motherfucker,” this blog post is the first thing that comes up.
    Very very worth it.

  360. You are completely unbelievable. Victor must be such a saint if he has been putting up with your immature, poor stewardship of money for 15 years. Being completlely honest, I would have been more impressed with you would have acted as if you were out of diapers and resolved the issue like grown up. I am completely ashamed of your grotesque behavior. Stop breathing my air.

  361. This was my first time to read your blog & I laughed & laughed & laughed!!! LOVE IT!!!

  364. I laughed so hard when recounting this story in the car, that I almost ran into a bus. True story. Reminds me of things my husband has done in the past . . . like the time he put a fox face in my lunch. Yep, the face of a fox that he bought at some trader stand on his way to fish in the wilderness. And he put it in my lunch box with my pb&j.

  365. OMG my husband sent me this story with the subject line: “I swear this is something you and Shannon would do.” And I totally agree! This is so hilarious! “Knock, knock…” sounds JUST like Shannon! I am never ever going to stop reading this blog! Love it!

  366. I have been reading your blog religiously – okay maybe on occasion when I’m bored at work or have insomnia- for the past few years. Not knowing your chicken blog had gone viral, I saw it posted as a link on a coworker’s facebook page. I immediately commented how much cooler I thought that person was for making a practice of following your blog, but she just saw it on someone else’s page and re-posted. Way to make me look like an asshole.

    Please keep collecting totally random things and someday open up a museum of oddities.

  367. Sounds like something I would have done if I was told “absolutley not to do something”, as if I was child and not earning my own money, Garrett, you are so wrong on this one and I’m pretty sure the issue of money had nothing to do with this story, it could have been a .50 candy bar and not towels — the point is don’t order or demand those you love, maybe asking would have brought a different result but we wouldn’t have had a good laugh today.

  368. This is awesome! I was thinking of buying my husband a really great gift for our 17th, but I seriously want a chicken we can name George! “and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and name him George.” Where can I get one???

  369. New to your blog after seeing this all over Facebook. Hiiiii-larious! Well done, and I hope Beyonce finds his way into Victor’s heart. You should totally sneak him into your bed one night so when Victor rolls over, he’ll be staring right at that fabulous huge red metal head!

  370. OMG!!! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read! You have brightened my day 😀 I read it earlier this morning and was still laughing and thinking about it 3hrs later, so I had to come back and read it again. To those who don’t appreciate this kind of fun, pfffft! Got over yourselves and have a laugh for a change 😉 Keep up the good work, I LOVE IT!!!

  371. Having been on the receiving end of this kind of insanity for five years now, it is a testament to the hilarity of this story that I found myself laughing. If nothing else I am glad to know that some other poor bastard has to deal with that kind of cunning, witty, and often funny as hell crap. Soldier on Victor! Your are not alone! I do hope that you eventually come around to some laughs around Beyonce. Cocka-doodle-doo!

  372. Jesus. Where have you been all my life? Don’t mind that person peeping in your windows. It’s just me trying to get closer to you.

  373. Thank you!!! I needed a laugh so hard you cry moment. In this case moments.

  375. I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor! Nothing better than a great practical joke! My husband of 32 years went to a museum warehouse sale with me on Sunday. We are now the proud owners of a water buffalo skull! It is huge! No need to argue about it, God only knows what he would have brought home if I had said no. At least he hung it in the garage and not in the living room! I want a big chicken for my backyard but I bought towels today, they were on sale!

  378. I have no idea who y’all are, but i love you. The Great Chicken Adventure Of 2011. Love it.

  379. All I have to say is “Thank you and this wonderful chicken! You have made my day!!! This is wonderful!! I am now addicted to your blog!!!”
    Still Laughing
    Heidy

  382. OMG this was just the hilarious I needed tonight! The buying-a-5-foot-chicken conversation is totally the conversation I’d have with my best friend! Clearly what this tells me is that when our friendship grows up to 15 yrs we NEED a 5 foot metal chicken 😛 (To give people a happy, clearly.)

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  383. Oh, silly people. A FEMALE chicken is a HEN. a MALE chicken is a rooster.. Calling this a “chicken” is absolutely correct. Just like a female human is a woman a male human is a man. A female pig is a sow and a male pig is a boar. Loved this. I’ve done stupider things. This is awesome.

    I laughed my way through 1300+ of these comments. Saving the other 1000 for a bad day.

  385. A female CHICKEN is a HEN. A male chicken is a rooster. Calling this a “chicken” is correct, but a terrible understatement.

    A merry heart does good like a medicine. This chicken is a gift from God.

    L

  388. the rest of that chicken family lives in my woods – they move about slowly and peak out – they came to celebrate our anniversary – they are appreciated but they are coy

  389. So…I guess the point of marriage is to piss off your husband?

    Can’t wait for the divorce papers in a few years. If he sticks around with a wife who’s #1 goal is to piss him off every day, he’s a moron.

    Hope your goal was to die cold and alone, because honey, NOBODY wants a wife that continually pisses them off day after day for laughs.

  391. My fiance and I think the chicken is awesome, but he has now found true love: James Garfield. I told him, not over the bed, and he would be responsible for dusting duties. I think we have a deal. As for Beyonce, our neighbors would be SO jealous (really. you’d have to know our neighbors).

    To the haters: your homes must be bland and boring with no artwork on the walls, curtains, throw pillows, scatter rugs, knick-knacks, landscaping, etc. If you’ve spent >$100 decorating your home, shut up right now.

  392. I LOVED IT, specially since my last name, Gallo, means rooster in English, LOVE YOUR BLOG!

    and laughed so hard I almost went cook a doodle doo!

    GREAT GREAT

  394. This was pure genius! I love the this story and it was very well told! I was rolling on the floor laughing, but trying to control it because I didn’t want to wake my sleeping daughter! 🙂

  395. So funny! I want a chicken now!! We use to have a giant dinosaur that we would put on friends porches if they were having a birthday…. a chicken to “brighten up a bad day” would be classic! I WISH I WAS IN YOUR WEB OF FRIENDS!!!

    And I agree…. pick your battles Victor… you will rarely win them so you have to make them count! lol
    Thanks for the laugh!

  396. You have to be the best wife ever, except I am pretty sure what you bought was a cock and not a chicken. Maybe that’s why he was so pissed off.

  397. Ha ha!! I hope Beyonce and Victor are becoming good friends (and just think, he’ll have someone watching over him while he works in his office!).

    Hilarious prank – I’m glad you shared it. 😀

  398. I think Victor is cool for putting up with this bull shit and still loving you. Rock on, Beyonce!

  399. I’m sure nobody is gonna read this 2000+ comment–but truly, this is hilarious and brilliant all at the same time! Love how you connect this prank to ‘picking my battles better’–deep concept that there is 😉

  400. I’m standing in line ordering Pad Thai Chicken, on my lunch, on a very busy day and feeling burnt-out. I had to laugh out loud in front of everyone. I think you are hilarious. Thank you! I feel much better now.

  402. Hilarious! Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time (and should be required reading for all engaged couples)

  403. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and I’ve never seen such idiotic reactions to one of your stories. If they think spending $100 on this is some vile, marriage destroying, economy crashing atrocity, I would love to see their take on the rest of the Victor stories.

    “You’re a horrible person, Jenny, for having a sense of humor and sharing it with your friends and loved ones. Being a blogger MUST mean that you have zero dollars that you earned yourself so you basically just starved 83 homeless blind children by buying that chicken. It’s a miracle that Victor doesn’t plunge a sword into his own chest after beheading you. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARSS!!!!one!!!”

  406. My sister has been going through a stressful time in her life and this post made her laugh so hard it brought her to tears. As soon as I walked in the door for a visit, she told me she HAD to read me this post. I have seen it shared on facebook several times by people who couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks for making us laugh. Oh and I have heard that you know you have reached success when you get negative comments. Not everyone will agree with you, but isn’t it interesting that they still took the time to read it and to comment? 🙂

  407. I have seen – and coveted – these roosters. Leaving them on doorsteps is brilliant. I NEED ONE FOR $100, WTF WORLD?!

  409. ohmahgod! I want that Chicken! I want that chicken in my house! Or in my front yard to REALLY piss off my neighbors. There are so many things I would love to do with that chicken. Thank you for allowing me to pee my pants from laughter right here at work.

  411. I don’t even read blogs…but yours came up for some reason on my news feed. Anyway…I frikkin love it! You remind me so much of my girlfriends, that I just couldn’t stop laughing. Keep up the shenanigans…it’s good for your partner!

  412. Laughed so hard, I needed my inhaler. Truly. Kicks the (chicken) shit outta out my rubber chicken story from 1977 at the Roseland Ballroom. Beyonce could be the next Travelocity Gnome. Imagine the clothing line…

  414. LOVE the post.
    As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Society Finch would like to send you (via UPS obvi.) a beautiful rhinestone body suit and matching chrome helmut to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We also wanted to send you a three legged dog we found in an alley, which we appropriately named Jay-Z, but apparently th

  415. Amaze-balls post!
    As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Jenn and I will be sending (via UPS obvi.) an elegant rhinestone and bullet bodysuit to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We were also planning on sending you a three legged dog we found in an alley last week, (which we appropriately named Jay-Z) but he wouldn’t fit in the envelope, and we couldn’t afford a bigger box. (The bodysuit was kinda pricey… )
    http://nicjennsocietyfinch.wordpress.com/

  416. This is the funniest thing I have read since Wiley Coyote vs. Acme! I laughed til tears streamed down my face. I so needed that! You are my Queen and I bow to you, o greatest of bloggers!

  418. Interesting to see how all the ladies applaud the effort and the guys hate it.

    I can see both sides. If it were a guy-focused blog, the dudes would be pouring in congratulating the guy for doing something hilarious and that “tightwad” wife should loosen up. But, it’s for the ladies. This is their version. The writing is indeed very good and the act itself reminds me of a gonzo-journalism Hunter Thompson type thing. Very entertaining.

    My only objection as Victor would be that my wife made me look like a jerk on a very popular blog. Not much self-deprecation so much as Victor deprecation. It’s ok to make you both look like idiots, not so much to do so to your spouse alone. How would you ladies respond if a guy wrote this same post? Be HONEST.

  419. THis is pure garbage! I want the 5 minutes I spent reading this back! What a bunch of horse shit!

  421. So my husband did not understand why I am laughing hysterically and crying over this. He read it and looked at the picture and just gave me that smile and nod that you give to crazy people. Our anniversary is next month, I might just have to find him a big metal chicken.

  422. LOOOOOVE IT! and i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one that calls my husband an asshole with such endearment. i’m “nesting” right now (about to have a baby) and hubby constantly tells me no to everything i NEED to do, so i’ve sent him the link to this story. hopefully he’ll get the picture, before other random purchases happen. LOOOVE IT.

  424. Got this from a girl friend – laughed ’til i hurt myself – then sent it on to my daughter. I read it aloud to my husband (thought he would find the same name a nice coincidence) … he just did NOT get it! I am headed out now to go buy some “towels.” Thanks for the laughter you added to my day.

  425. You know what you need now? Another 5-foot chicken holding a basket full of new towels.

  427. THank you giant chicken! For anyone who lived in the Atlanta area in the 70’s a giant chicken is over 20 feet tall! LOL Oh Beyonce, you are to die for…

  428. Kudos to you girl! I was tearing in laughter! I would have done the same thing if i encountered a 5 ft chicken!

  429. My, SUCH a lucky girl! What a large cock u r holding!
    Beyonce neeeds to come into the master bedroom….

  430. This is funny for about 30 seconds. Then it’s dumb. The dumb outlasts the funny.

  433. And people wonder why I’m not married. Oh god, the thought of being married to someone like you, I’d rather just die. May God strike me down with a bolt of lightning if I ever get married.

  434. SAD really sad for all concerned. Perhaps a conversation about budget was the more important issue missed here. When one partner is working against the other, i.e. always spending on wants rather than needs, it causes friction. Ultimately the partnership fails. This applies to marriage or business. You can still love someone but can’t be with them any longer because they drain the other person of energy, money, and ultimately any good feelings for them.

  435. I hope he divorces you. Your husband that is… you deserve the chicken.

  436. We still have the giant chicken in Atlanta. It’s 10 minutes from my house in Marietta, Georgia. It’s a KFC. 🙂

  437. Have read this twice laughing my ass off both times. Needed that, thank you. This is totally my husband and I. Except I am not that light hearted. So, now begins my metal chicken marriage days. We are so going to rock it for now on. Thank you.

  438. I laughed in spite of myself here. I would have laughed my ass off if my girlfriend did that to me. But I also sympathize with Victor … he must be a saint.

  440. HYSTERICAL, is not even the word to describe the state I was just in. It’s almost midnight as I type here, and I woke my husband up on the other side of the house, laughing so hard – he thought he was crying, and came running! The photo of the chicken at the door, and then reading the tag line….Well…that SERIOUSLY did-me-in!! I’m not sure if I have ever laughed so hard.

  442. You have started a trend. My niece’s fiance went out and bought her a metal chicken (he is only about 2 feet tall) and left it on her door step. They named him Jay-Z. They get married on Saturday. Metal chickens are gifts of love.
    I added the link of Jay-Z in the website space…hope you can see him.

  443. LOL – tears streaming down my face – gufawing with the windows open and the neighbors can hear me funny. You can bring a cock like that you my house any day of the week.

  445. That was supposed to say “you can bring a cock like that to my house any day of the week”!

  447. I loved the story, it was rather hilarious.. but I feel pity for the poor Victor! poor chap he has been trying to help you guys with saving money!!!

  448. OMG!! Well my husband said I cant get another purse bc i got one 2yrs ago!! Well I guess I shall borrow your chicken for next weeks wedding anniversary!!

  450. OMG!! The best!!! I especially loved Beyonce’ colors… “Ding dong’ Happy anniversary motherfuckER!!! The best line ever!!! STILL LAUGHING!!!

  451. I can tell you all are city girls!! That is not a CHICKEN–that dear friends is a ROOSTER!! As in the male variety.

  452. God, this post made me want to write a new one for my blog, which I haven’t touched in over a year and consists mainly of me bitching about how people drive and have generally sucky behavior. Then, it made me wish that I actually had a life this interesting and could write this well. Of course, all of that was after I’d read this to myself, via a friend’s post on FB, and enjoyed hysterical, laughter-induced breathing difficulties and tears streaming down my face. Then I read it to my daughter and enjoyed the same hysterical fit with her and finally once more to my 16-year-old son, who not only appreciated Beyonce far more than Victor ever will, but joined me in my third round of hysteria.

    Thanks, Jenny! Is it wrong of me to appreciate your insomnia? I think my Dad needs one of these chickens. Did they have more? It would look so good next to his metal windmill painted in our high school team’s colors. Naturally, we’d have to paint our Beyonce silver, red and columbian blue as well … hmmmmmmmm.

  454. Dear Patsy, (Post 2443)

    From one country girl to another, you need a little city in your life. Art is subjective, even chicken art. Beyonce is totally a girl chicken and not a rooster. She’s just a lesbian girl chicken wearing a rooster outfit.

  456. Ok, I really really NEED this chicken. Where can I get one!? I googled 5 foot metal chicken and of course i get 50,000 links to you. 🙂 Where oh where are those chickens! Oh.. and Knock Knock Mother Fucker is now the office credo. ha!

  457. My youngest daughter sent me your link and said, “She’s like YOU, Mom!” LOL! You are my long lost sister. Carry on!!

  458. I am still laughing at the idea of a man getting a 5 foot cock for his anniversary. The inappropriate jokes I would make everytime I saw Victor, or the thought of how many things I could say about that, made this read worth while.

  459. Anyone else feeling the urgent need to dress as a big metal chicken and ring Jenny and Victor’s doorbell on Halloween?

  462. I am sitting in an office in Germany trying so hard not to laugh my ass off. Believe me, it’s not an easy task. But I don’t think the Germans here would get the hilarity that is Beyonce. I can’t wait to get back to Austin to find a 5 foot metal chicken of my own. You KNOW they have that shit somewhere in Austin. They have to.

  465. My husband once (once) told me, “I FORBID you to do that.” I looked him square in the face and busted out laughing. GAME ON! Knock, Knock, mother……

  469. Saw this and had to click from a FB friends link…God bless Victor for dealing with your shit! 🙂 If he was my friend, some sweet revenge would be planned and it would include live chickens(with a minimum of 1 rooster) in your bathroom, floor lined with chicken shit defiled towels, ALL of them in the house, except for 1 hidden for him :> Cockadoodledoo Motherfuckess! Go buy your fucking towels now. Hahahahaaaa! Would you like to take it one level higher to Defcon Level – Apocafuckenlypse?!? I want to read the story of the time Victor checked your crazy ass. Let me know when that one was/is written. Enjoy Beyonce’!!!

  471. Knock Knock, motherfucker had me crying laughing. Called people to tell them about it. That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. You are one hysterical woman. Thanks for the great laugh.

  472. Thank goodness for men like Victor (don’t worry i have my own “victor” too) because where else would we find so much funny material? I have my own issues with roosters – check out the link above. Tell me are the getting popular or something?

  474. OMG. How have I never stumbled across your blog before?! I have read this about six times and it still has not lost its humor. Hilarity! I have forwarded it to the world.

    We will be BFF. I live in Houston, too, so it’s perfect!

  475. So glad to see that you are free-ranging! Makes for wonderfully tasty organic eggs. Ooops! Don’t mean to be the Egg Nazi, but …NO EGGS FOR YOU…it’s a rooster. {{sigh}}

  477. Probably the best laugh I’ve had this YEAR! Absolutely will be sharing this with everyone. Thank you!

  478. I die, I read this and was laughing out loud at work. First time ever reading your post and I sent the link to a few of my friends that share your sense of humor. Amazeballs.

  479. Excellent prank, well played. I don’t know if I’m just cheap or what. CHEEP CHEEP. But if I’m going to spend $300 on a joke that might impale me or lacerate an artery well, I want that dag thing to stand up on its own. I don’t want to have to weight it down with wood or have to prop it. C’mon, helloooooo, design flaw. I can’t explain how my brain works, but that keeps coming to mind.

  482. My parents *ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF THESE CHICKENS*, except it’s a version handmade by a local metalcraft artist. (The same artist also makes giant metal flowers, which I have installed onto my porch in hopes of overwhelming the UPS delivery guy with heroin-grade whimsey.)

    I’m still in shock that my mother — who is obsessed with her garden — gave my father permission to obtain a four-foot-tall rusty metal chicken and put it in her garden and has allowed it to remain there for about four years thus far.

  483. best. post. ever. i seriously peed my pants – well, almost – you should find a giant metal egg to go with her.

  484. So, I was momentarily despondent because the 15th anniversary of my marriage was Christmas Eve, 2002. I had missed the boat, because whatever gifts were exchanged were obviously NOT memorable. But then, the joyous realization that our 30th is coming up in 2017. And I think the traditional gift for that momentous occasion must be TWO big metal chickens!

  485. This is the best thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for your adventure!

  486. OMG I seriously need at least 2 or 3 of those, where can I find some?

  488. this is hilarious. i think i found a new favorite blog that i can read while im pretending not to waste time at work. that’s what they get for making me sit in front a computer with internet all day…

  489. OMG– I think we might be mischeif soul mates. I *heart* everything about this little learning experience.

  490. Please tell me I am not the only person who cannot stop telling people, “this chicken will CUT you!”

    The whole post was hysterical – thanks, Jenny!

  492. This is too funny! I want that chicken! Place it at my ex-husbands place. HeeHee

  495. If I brought that chicken home to my husband, he’d try to put her on my side of the bed and tell me that he had moved on…

    and then he’d get tetanus.

    Again, worth the $100.00.

  496. My first time here. But I just gotta say that story is hysterical! AND if you ever need to RELOCATE Beyonce’, I’ll take her off your hands!!! I love her/him. And the idea of leaving him on a friend’s door step to cheer them up REALLY appeals to me! Thanks for the giggles. I’m serious about taking her/him off your hands. Could Laura deliver to north central TEXAS??? Or maybe Victor would love to! :O) ROFLMAO

  497. Love this, sadly this isn’t the first 5 ft chicken I’ve ever seen a neighbor down the street from us has one in there yard! Wonder if it was an anniversary gift!

  498. Just think, if you woulda just given him a blowjob, that would have saved yet another cool hundy on cock that won’t cut you… unless you show up with more pink towels that is…

  500. I forwarded this to my husband. I recently mentioned that I needed new laundry baskets and he said that I didn’t need new laundry baskets – that the ones I had could be repaired. We’re talking plastic laundry baskets here!!!!! I’m like “What???” This from a man who has to have every part of his bike in prestine condition. I mean, I use those freakin’ baskets everyday! An arguement ensued.
    So I began to cleverly use black duct tape to tape up all the broken areas of the baskets – it took so much time that he finally said, “Okay, go buy some effin laundry baskets”. But of course, he said it very sarcastically and by then I had a point to prove…An hour later, I had the finished products.
    We haven’t really spoken about the baskets since..but as the tape gives way, I’m sure he notices that they are going into the trash bin – never to reappear. Eventually we will have no more laundry baskets…and when it’s time…I’m just going to ask him which he’d rather me buy, the laundry baskets or a freakin’ 5 foot metal chicken!!! I’m sure the baskets will win, but I’ll be a little sorry about that…the chicken is just too cool.

  502. I think I have Beoynce’s baby…. it’s a 4″ blown glass chicken I named Rufus. 🙂 They’re made for each other.

  503. I think the idea of a giant chicken is hilarious, but the attitude you and your husband take towards each other is really disrespectful. I’ve been married 33 years to a wonderful man. We have a great loving relationship built on humor, but mainly on respect for each other.

  504. That was THE BEST BLOG EVER!! I am actually laughing so hard that its hard to even type because of the tears rolling down my face and impairing my vision.

    I want a Beyonce!!! Nothing ways love like a 5 foot metal chicken 🙂

  505. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. THANK YOU. I shared this with my husband, who is intimately familiar with these kinds of arguments with his spouse, and he laughed his butt off, too!

  506. I think I love you…..

    I almost woke my 3 year old laughing and snorting…..

    what makes it even better is I would do the EXACT same thing….

  508. OMG seriously, I’m crying in hysterics right now! “Knock, knock Motherfucker” literally made me pee myself just a drop. You are my goddamn hero and I love you! Can we be friends? LOL!!!

  509. That’s freaking hilarious. I’m starting smaller… like a flock of pink plastic flamingos. It’s not going well.

  513. I want you as a neighbor. We can gossip over the fence and make outfits for Beyonce.
    That was absolutely hysterical.

  515. Beyonce would love our back yard. He (he IS a rooster) could meditate on catching the 5-foot metal crawdad on our back fence. Not really sure which would win, but it would make a GREAT video. My wife would totally do this, but I instinctively knew from the start that “forbidding” would be a bad and potentially fatal (to the relationship) tactical error. Besides, without her around I’d never get to look out the kitchen window at a giant crawdad. Plus, since we just celebrated 10 years, I’ve got five more years to shop for the Fifteen-Year-Big-Metal-Chicken. Thanks for the tip! roflmao

  517. Meanwhile, back in reality, the rest of the country struggles to make ends meat while some self centered spoiled bitch decides to piss away money in order to prove a point to her husband that she doesn’t piss away moeny. What an ignerant cunt.

  518. Rodney,

    Not sure how exactly you’re making ends “meat” but good luck with that. As for being “ignerant” you might want to invest in a dictionary. Just sayin….

    Have a nice day!

  519. Was having a rough day and a friend sent me this link! it pretty much turned my frown upside down for the entire WEEK!!!!! I think we would be great friends. ha ha. this was the funniest thing ever! my friends aND I have been quoting from this all week.

    and for the record, some people need to quit wasting space on the comments page, one example would be rodney of post 2513 – they are the ones that need to go kill themselves if life is as miserable as it seems to be for them.

  520. I get your point Rodney but if you’re going to make a point on behalf of the financially struggling and the male population, learn how to spell. Make ends meat? moeny? Ignerant? If you’re unemployed I can perhaps shed some light on why that is the case.

  521. I know where you can get some small metal chickens (babies), for Vickors birthday if you think he would like that. You obviously have the best friend, I loved this.

  522. I lost my wife to cancer 2 years 8 months and 3 days ago. I wish I could take her shopping for towels and buy her a big metal chicken. She would love it.

  523. I’m surprised you’re still married. If you’re no longer together in three years, remember: Mr. Me called it.

  525. Love it! BTW, my ten year anniversary is coming up…any ideas on what I should get my husband?

  526. A friend sent me here to read your blog, and I shall now go walk across the office to his cubicle to kiss his face. Thank you for this! It was the funniest thing evah!!!!

  527. This had me crying in my office because i am laughing so hard. Thank you so much for this. You are a terrific storyteller

  530. Thanks for the laugh! I am still crying –
    Been wondering what to give husband for the 20th Wedding Anniversary – I must find something to top the Giant Chicken Idea! Thanks again for the good laugh!!!

  532. Woooooooooooow….I’m pretty sure I just fell in love with you a little bit after I read this. This is the funniest damned thing I have ever read in my life ever ever ever. EVER! Also, to the person who posted “I plan on saying ‘Knock-knock motherfucker’ to everyone I see today. EVERYONE.” …I think I love you a little bit too damn it. So funny.

  533. Where have you been all my life? A friend forwarded the giant metal chicken story and I about peed my pants while getting a $15 pedicure (might’ve been influenced by the vibrating chair). LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your voice and plan to promote the shit out of your blog on my FB page.

    p.s. I LOVE towel shopping too!

  534. That is Freakin’ Hilarious. I died laughing, thank you for helping me on picking the right battles.

  535. Sheer brilliance! This is an ‘all year round’ gift! I can see Beyonce on the roof from Christmas with lights and a Santa hat, Easter with a basket of eggs and bunny ears, halloween with pumpkins, spider webs and a witches hat and all the holidays in between, it is the giving chicken and it gave me a good giggle!

  536. Sheer brilliance! This is an ‘all year round’ gift! I can see Beyonce on the roof from Christmas with lights and a Santa hat, Easter with a basket of eggs and bunny ears, halloween with pumpkins, spider webs and a witches hat and all the holidays in between, it is the giving chicken and it gave me a good giggle!

  537. I so totally want to forward this to everyone I know. I’m a little frightened though because my 15th wedding anniversary is next month and I don’t have enough room for a 5 foot chicken.

  539. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time, especially so because its real. I wish I had a giant chicken in my life to provide me with this much entertainment. I’m jealous of your Beyonce.

  540. I literally laughed so hard I cried. Then I promptly forwarded your link to about half the e-mail addresses in my address book (including my parents).

    Then, about a week later my husband and I were driving through Texas with my parents and saw a store with a giant metal chicken out front. My parents and I all yelled “BEYONCE!” at exactly the same time! Confused my husband who I’d apparently forgotten in the link forwarding frenzy, but that oversight has been rectified.

    Better he learn from Victor’s mistake than force me to buy a giant metal chicken :o)

  541. I think Beyonce should be moved to the bathroom and used as the towel rack.

  542. loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

    now i will have a great whole in my life that can only be filed by a giant metal chicken

  543. I found the metal chickens today at Home Goods at Geneva Commons in Geneva, Illinois!!! I bought one for me and one for a friend who was equally chicken hungry. They aren’t five feet tall, just three feet, but they’re awesome!

  544. Jenny, you gotta help me. July 1st is our 5th wedding anniversary, but we’ve BEEN together since 1996, making it our 15th Anniversary. I want a big metal chicken. He says the first 10 years don’t count because they are “time served”. What do you think?

  545. Oh my gosh, you just made the rest of my night. I was laughing so hard, my husband (who was falling asleep on the couch) had to grump at me to quiet down. Awesome!

  546. You are awesome!! I love your comedic timing and your dry sense of humor. “Dude. Nice Chicken.” that was the funniest! I am going to be saying that sometime this week. I could totally be your best friend. I love to laugh, I love to write, and you put them together and are amazing.

    As for this person posing as a man and a woman and repeatedly posting the same things over and over, he is creeping me out. he is talking like a murderer and i’m getting a little nervous about it. Why does he keep posting if he dislike you so much?

    I think Victor is awesome too. I can totally see him sighing and closing the door on the chicken. His non-reaction was hilarious!! I can tell that you two have a great marriage, because only a great partnership can play off each other like that. This was a great story, thank you for writing it. I really didn’t get that you were out for revenge, either. I thought your friend was so funny and the two of you think so much alike–i wish I had a friend like that. I truly don’t think Victor was worried about the money spent on towels as much as the amount of towels he perceives you have in the house. But that’s typical for a man–they don’t understand.

    My family has had the worst financial time for the past year, barely making it, but I thought this was hysterical anyway. You have to laugh, its how you make it in life. I am totally subscribing to you now, as I need a good laugh now and then. 🙂

  547. probably one of the most brilliant things i have EVER read….coming from a mom of three and wife for 10 years…..seriously you are a genius! i want ME some big metal cock!

  548. If I put one of those wonderful chickens anywhere around my house, I’d be fined by the HOA or the condo assoc.

    I never get to have any fun!

  550. You DO realize, of course, that this gift is woefully incomplete. No wonder Victor was pissed off. It simply HAS to have a motion detector added that plays the theme song to the show “Robot Chicken” every time someone walks by it. Anything less is simply unacceptable.

  551. Thank you for the really good belly laugh this morning! I want Beyonce’ to show up on my doorstep so bad, without the shiv of course.

  552. I think i laughed harder at edenland’s response of “Bok BOK, motherfucker!” than the story itself.

  553. My favorite part of the story…… “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3?. I was LMAO and I just had to keep reading. This was AWSOME!

  554. This reminds me why I will never get married.
    Any woman who was anywhere near this annoying to me would be dumped immediately.
    Victor must have been a complete idiot when he married you.

  555. My husband and I loved the story of Beyonce so much we went and bought one today!!! We could not stop laughing! When we received a strange look from the owner of the metal cock business we shared your story with her! Knock Knock, mother f*&%#r!

  556. @John, dont be a dickhead, these things happen in a marriage but you wouldnt know that would you?

  557. I found a 3 foot chicken! Of course I’ve also seen, but not bought, a bull, a grasshopper, a jackass, a pig with wings, rooster fiddling. All the same company. This has made so many people I know laugh.

  558. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I started crying. Absolutely hilarious, and the reason why I am now the new owner of a fat little glass chicken – I informed my husband that five years is now fat little glass chickens and he (god love him) actually laughed. 🙂 Fantastic writing and pictures, thank you again so much!

    P.S. you can see pictures of my new chicken on my blog, but forewarning – Chubby wasn’t as impressive on our front porch as Beyonce’ was on yours. 😉

  559. OMG – I was laughing so hard I was crying and had snot running down my face.

    My husband and I have been together for 15 years THIS weekend, so I had to tell him about this post. His comment was, “If that had been you, I would have walked out the door and found a giant fucking metal dog staring at me in the face.”

    He told me to make sure I point any ugly metal chickens at the Neighbor from Hell’s house.

  560. This is the funniest blog post I’ve ever read. Hands down. I’m a USC Gamecock fan and have much “chicken” paraphernalia already…I’m thinking Beyonce would be a SMASHING addition to my collection.

  561. OMG I totally relate to trying to keep a sense of humor while my husband storms around making threats and demands…I don’t have the money for a 100 buck cock (hee hees) but it may be possible to follow your lead with a blow up doll dressed as Beyonce or something…

  563. Haha great post! Hysterical, and the photo of the giant chicken at the front-door is priceless.

    A friend recommended this story to me via FB – you will no doubt be delighted to hear that your blog is actually blocked in the UAE so I had to do some ducking and diving to even read this, but it was soooo worth it.

    Loved it!

  564. That post made me laugh so hard I cried. I had to stop reading several times so I could catch my breath. Beyonce! LOLOLOLOL

    My favorite line, though, has to be the caption on the picture of Beyonce standing at the front door: “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” (@ Kelly, from comment #101: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!)

    Thank you!!

  566. Are you fucking kidding me. Return the GD chicken. Your aren’t allowed to go out in public ever again and don’t buy any bullshit unless we agree on it.

  567. This is absolutely AWESOME!!!
    Thank you so much for sharing and allowing us to laugh along with you and Beyonce!

  569. I read this when you first posted it it, but when I read that people were being dickwads in your *next* post I had to try to read the comments. I failed. I only made it to about 1039. But I got the gist of the dickwaddery. FTR, my husband and I–married 17 years–also found this post–as we do all of your posts–very funny. We wish we had friends like you and Victor here in Pennsylvania.
    But, my pedantic self has forced me to leave this comment, which nobody will read.
    A chicken is a type of fowl. A pullet or a hen is a female chicken depending on sexual “status” and a male *chicken* is called a cockerel/cock, rooster, capon depending on its sexual “status.”
    So, yes, Beyonce is indeed an “other gendered” “born male” *cock* (which is why the punchlines work so well).
    But she–or “she” depending on your ability to deal with “incorrect” pronouns– is still, indeed, a chicken.
    Now my OCD self will haul her ass off of the page and hope against hope somebody some*where* might learn from my comment so as I do not have to deal with the possibility that sometimes I need to let go of the bone once in a while. (That was a dog “joke,” not another phallic reference.)
    kthnxbai

  570. Ah, cheese and rice!!!
    I forgot to mention:
    My husband laughed almost as hard at the comment “no one needs towels” as he did at the post. I thought he’d wet himself while picturing the commenter blowing themselves dry or dabbing themselves delicately with toilet paper.
    So thanks to that person, as well, although, sadly, I believe their humor was *not* intentional.

  572. Paint it yellow and call it big bird and the whole neighborhood will be jealous!

  573. Just found your blog via my friend Tracy. This post is gold. I once went around the house and turned on every single light in the house because my husband was complaining about electricity being wasted or some other nonsense. It’s no 5 foot chicken though. I’ll have to get me one of those.

  574. Best. Post. Ever. Seriously. Missed it until today, and now I am cracking up. You and Victor are awesome.

    Also, the unhappy jackass’s comments make it even better. Clearly, he wishes he had this much traffic and is sooooooo jealous of your 5-foot cock.

    Off to order cards now.

  575. Grandma always said, ‘don’t choose the first chicken,’ (don’t ask).
    This is priceless – truly, laughing to tears here, goodness – this is just precious.

  576. You have spawned a whole new industry. (Aside from the adult diapers which we all have to wear because we are laughing so hard!) Chickens. Fricking chickens. I drove from Omaha to Missouri to Albuquerque with a 3 foot bobblehead rooster riding shotgun. I finally figured out why I couldn’t pass anyone. They would speed up to take a gander at my passenger. My cousins bought me Cluck Norris. I bought my sister in law a two foot one. I bought a traveling yard stake chicken for my cousins. I have a travelog of picutes, including the Bridges of Madison County!

    You’ve made my week, probably my whole year. And keep us posted on Beyonce’s journey toward the house!

  577. A friend emailed me a link to this story on your blog. After wiping tears of laughter from my face, I promptly bookmarked your site and will be a returning visitor on a regular basis. $200 worth of chicken for free… BRILLIANT!

  579. Ok, so I have come back and read this about 8 times now & laugh loudly everytime. So, today I was at the second hand store and found a whole shelf of chickens but none of them over a foot tall so I was totally disapointed. I almost bought a 2ft tall pirate though. I’ll keep looking, you opened my eyes to the really good things in life. Victor is a lucky man!

  580. What makes this even more made of the awesome is the fact I was driving past our local “Feed n Seed” store…and there is was. 5 full feet of chicken! After I caught my breath again after the gasp that scared the hell out of my kids, I started screaming “Knock Knock Mother Fucker”. While they are used to my outburst on crazy, the people walking/driving by are not used to it. So for know I will just laugh my ass off while the rest of this hippie community either call CPS on me or just starts to “get a clue”.

    Excuse me while I go check the price on that bad boy! I think there is a chicken that needs to be knocking on my door very very soon.

  582. WOW! That is AMAZING!!!!! And I from Texas, so it has to be pretty friggin’ big to impress me. But that is awesome. Of course, I would have wrapped it in towels and claimed they were the wrapping paper, but that is just me. And my husband knows better than to tell me NOT to do something.

    I think you and my youngest daughter are cut from the same cloth. She comes up with doozies, but I think this one would astound even her.

    I am passing this to every female in my family. May God have mercy on the men-folk’s souls.

    Keep it coming. Maybe Victor will grow a sense of humor.

  583. Why do men think that bath towels should only be purchased every 10 years?

    I loved your post. Victor only has to wait for the chicken to rust away…

    Why not join us? ExposeYourBlog!

  584. This post was an inspiration to my wife, who was stuck for an anniversary gift. Now I also have a metal chicken. It’s only 18″ tall, but then we’ve only been married 3 years. And for the record, I’ve never said she couldn’t buy anything, oh except another bunny.

  585. The funny thing is, on the way to my parents on Hyw. 49 in Mississippi towards Biloxi, there are not one but TWO outside art places that sell these same chickens (not at discount even…obviously we Mississippians appreciate our giant chickens). And my son and I plot all the way down what could we do with these giant chickens in our yard (as they are obviously quite the thing with not just one but TWO stores selling them!) 😉

  586. Knock, Knock Motherfucker – best line I’ve heard in ages – thanks for that, and I love that chicken!

  587. Hi, we’ve never met, but I seriously love you. I only wish I’d had the gonads to do something like this to my wasband when he deserved it.

  588. One great thing about this? You can just publish this and all the comments and you have NaBloPoMo covered. Your 100,000 words are done and you can relax through November.

  589. Have you considered painting the chicken hot pink to match the beach towels? Please post more chicken pics, maybe on flickr. Personally I would consider a facebook page for Beyonce too. It might be fun to see what happens, and you could edit photos with different color schemes too.

  590. Everyone needs a nice 5ft colorful cock in their lives! HA HA HA HA I cant stop laughing! This post just made my night!

  591. The fact that there are people who read this post and don’t see how awesome both you and your husband are makes me deeply sad. Seriously, I’m extremely grateful my husband laughed as hard at this as I did…I really could never be with anyone who doesn’t think this is hysterical.

    Cheers! May your next 15 be more amazing than your last!

  592. So happy this is going viral on FB or I may have missed one of the best reads in a long, LONG time! Absolutely hilarious … though you had me at the title (which could’ve been an old episode of Molly Dodd — best show ever).

  594. OMG- your post made me laugh out loud! With my husband, it’s chairs. He almost always tells me, “Don’t buy any more chairs” every time I leave the house. He didn’t say it last time I went thrifitng, so I brought home another chair 🙂

  595. I’m going to Home Goods right now. I must have my own chicken…I laughed so hard I cried!

  597. That is the funniest thing I have EVER read. Period. Still laughing at the second picture, thank you!

  598. At the beginning of the text I couldn’t quite picture the chichen. But I have been giggling from the point in the picture where you postet the pic of the chicken standing in front of the door. So hilarious!

    I probably wouldn’t have spent 100 bucks on it but I’s so glad that you did! Thanks for a good laugh.

  599. OMG That is so funny – why do they always think they have some kind of control? Don’t they know we will do the right thing when not pushed, but will ALWAYS do something they don’t want when we are??? Men…can’t live with ’em, can’t open pickle jars without them….LOVE the giant chicken!

  600. This was a lesson in picking your battles? For your husband right? How dare he have an opinion on whether you buy more towels. So you waste even more money on a b.s. chicken to prove a point. How funny. How much longer until we get to read your “So I’m single again!” post because your husband couldn’t take any more petty, passive-aggressive, bullshit.”

    Summed up well here: http://youtu.be/AqTdZs_ZkDc?t=1m10s

  601. This was a lesson in picking your battles? For your husband right? How dare he have an opinion on whether you buy more towels. So you waste even more money on a b.s. chicken to prove a point. How funny. How much longer until we get to read your “So I’m single again!” post because your husband couldn’t take any more petty, passive-aggressive, bullshit.

    Summed up well here: http://youtu.be/AqTdZs_ZkDc?t=1m10s

  602. where are these chickens made??? i saw them at the Lazy Gator in Murrells Inlet a while back and told my husband that i needed one of those. he said , “well get one.” i said, “how the heck will we get that sucker home?” anyway – i am SO jealous. i could have been having so much fun with a 5 foot chicken or rooster. it would give my neighbor a run for his money with the giant alien in his front yard.

  605. My neighbors have a rooster that never SHUTS UP. I mean, it crows day and night. I think a 5ft metal rooster staring back at it just MIGHT shut it up!

  606. It seems like it’s kind of a waste having Beyonce in the yard. You should unexpectedly and strategically move it into the house so that it would scare the shit out of him. I suggest the bathroom, at night, – it’s the kind of room that you walk into when it’s dark and then you turn on the light. Obviously, he’ll scream. And you’ll laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

    Yes, in fact, I am a highly experienced husband-and-child-scarer.

    NOTE: It helps if you can lie in wait with the chicken and make a snarling sound when he flips on the light.

    But I understand if your too lazy.

  607. First of all, I loved it. Too funny.

    Secondly, to all the Negative Nellies here, wow, take a humor pill or something! You are taking from a single blog post that Victor is an idiot? Just because it is written this way, doesn’t mean this is how it is 100% of the time, and the fact that they’ve been married this long seems to indicate they both still like these little happenings. EVERY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS AN INFUSION OF CRACKED HUMOR!

    Frankly, I would love to have a giant chicken/rooster/whatever waiting for my fiance when he gets home from deployment. He would totally ask me what the hell is that for, laugh, and then figure out where it looks best in the living room.

    On that note, Kudos for an awesome blog post.

  608. Beyonce has many friends out there, and they are making me laugh hysterically every time. I would like a farm of animals that will CUT me!!

  609. After randomly reading a handfull of comments (no time for all 2600!),I realize how much you can learn about a person by their reactions! Some guys have no sense of humor at all. .I hope there are enough Stepford wives to go around for them. Secure men prefer this type of a wife.

  611. I LOVED this! So freaking hilarious! Reading all of the comments just made it even better, especially the ones from the wife-beater-wearing neanderthals who couldn’t STAND it when you made your point to your husband. How insecure and controlling must they be? My guess is that none of them are married, or are recently divorced and very bitter. Maybe they can find themselves a nice mail-order bride to do their every bidding. At least until she gets a job or finds a REAL man and dumps their sexist, personality disorder-ridden butts. I see court-ordered anger management classes in their futures…

  612. THANK YOU FACEBOOK for sharing this piece of pure genius. I haven’t laughed so hard in forever… My husband was even giggling as I read it out loud. SO FUNNY!! Thanks 🙂 I feel everyone needs a Beyonce of some sort 🙂

  614. If it were a man and the roles were reversed in this situation, it wouldn’t be fucking funny now would it? He would be an asshole and the woman would need to find another “man” who respected her wishes. Fucking double standards…

  615. Laughed until I cried and also blew some snot out of my nose. Not a lot. Just enough to mention.
    Best of all possible timing to read this, as I have been blue all day regarding some backstabbing bastards who I loved. Wish I could Knock-Knock Mother Fucker over here in a big way.
    Best ever blog. Best ever chicken statue…

    Wonderful writing. Thanks oodles.

  617. Really Brad? Here I thought Victor was the one acting a lil disturbingly psycho… no problems with that though eh? Though for benefit of the doubt I figured she was exaggerating for blog entertainment value…

  618. Jenny, my tears are finally drying up but I think my sides will be soar for a few days.. thanks for sharing that hilarious adventure! Clearly, YOU are EXACTLY what Victor needs… I hope he learns to appreciate the amazing gift God has sent him in you. I know this has to be the true reason God lets us incredibly awesome, fun-loving, free-spirited, sexy women end up with these sadly wound-too-tightly man/boys. Praying every day (all day long) for “my Victor”s mirace!! These boys NEED us to shake them up; keep up the holy work!!

  620. Okay… I’m still searching for that chicken. Alas, the Home Goods here in Chattanooga doesn’t have any, but the sales lady on the phone has had a good chuckle this morning. I have never enjoyed a story more than this. I read it every day and always Laugh. Out. Loud. Loudly. And all over my office I hear “knock Knock Mother Fucker”. The Best!

  623. Would you put that on the front step of my ex’s house…bwahahahahaha!!!!! My stomach hurts from laughing soooooo much! Thanks! (Did you ever go back and get those towels? I would have…)

  624. Wonderful…! I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. Thank you.
    @Brad, I think someone needs to buy you a 5′ chicken. Lighten up, dude.

  625. OK, I’m not even married and this made my laugh almost til I cried. If you ever need to send Beyonce on vacation to the south, please call me; I have a few spots in mind I’m sure she’d LOVE. 🙂

  627. I don’t know and I got to your blog through a friend’s Facebook post of this and have to tell you… This made my day! I literally laughed my ass off sitting at my desk at the office. I even cried a little, it was so funny. I believe in picking my battles too and would so do what you did. Congrats on 15 years.

  628. I’d like to live in a $300K house and have “big chicken” money laying around. Then I could waste it, and throw that in the face of the person who sacrificed to earn it. That would be great.

  629. Probably the single funniest thing i have read on the internet to date.

  630. OOHh the tears of laughter are still rolling down my face. All i can say is if Beyonce’ Pecks on my doorbell I`ll die of laughter right there! Thats just too funny!!!

  632. I read this and just about died. I’m at work, so I couldn’t laugh out loud, so people around me probably think I was wheezing and wondering why. I have already sent this to several good friends, and only stopped so I could tell you.

    Where in Texas do you live? Can I borrow Beyonce’ some day? I could have used her over the weekend, for sure! Tell Victor he should be glad you didn’t buy him a live chicken.

  633. hilarious. absolutely freakin’ hilarious. I love each character and equally their responses in this small insignificant moment in time. I truly appreciate spontaneous humor. i only wish i could see Beyonce’s perspective… “stand back, this chicken will cut you.” priceless.

    I need new towels.

  635. Where did you find the chicken? I really NEED a chicken like that!

    I adore YOUR chicken!

  637. This post made my MONTH!! Oh my laundry… I’ve been sending it to anyone who will open it just so I have more people to say “knock knock, motherfucker” to!

    I. Love. Beyonce.

    xoxo

  638. when the divorce papers are served on you how funny will it be then?

  640. awesome! So like something my sister and I would do! Giggled then laughed ’till I cried! Reminded me of the time we brought home 8 concrete gnomes……

  641. Not sure how I happened upon your blog but I was laughing my ass off reading this post and will now come here all the time and expect to be amused. LOL, just kidding. But seriously, I’m excited to follow your blog.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  643. The best part was definately “THIS CHICKEN WILL CUT YOU!” A friend of mine sent me this link at work, and I had such trouble not laughing at that part.

  646. Oh my word, I’ve never laughed so hard. Thanks for the good laugh and a great read!!! More power to ya, sistah!!

  648. Best post I’ve read in a long time. I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks for the laughs, especially because that’s exactly how it would have taken place at my house. I’m now on the hunt for a massive-sized chicken. Priceless.

  649. You are crazy. That is a horrible buy just to be used to piss off your husband. If you have that kind of money to throw away you should just donate it somewhere. Seriously, you should seek some counseling, for your marriage, and for your sanity

  650. A-mazing!! I just got married and now cannot WAIT to get a big metal chicken in 15 years!!

    Putting that chicken on the door! Could not stop laughing!!!

  651. Where can I get one of those chickens?!? I’ve sent this story everywhere! All responses are explosive! I hope Victor can handle the heat….this was just too funny! We reveal at Victor’s expense!!!

  652. OMG… I can so picture the whole thing going down…. and yes.. pick your battles wisely!! LOL

  653. beyond awesome – beyawesome!!

    could not love this more unless I was friends with you in real life and was getting a turn to aggravate my husband with a 5-foot tall chicken.

    PS – think my husband may possibly be related to and/or the same person as your husband.

  654. OMG this was absolutely HILARIOUS. And a big “booooo” to all the negative comments. Some people have no sense of humor. LOL I thought it was greatttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  655. My husband once complained about a pair of $4 dollar shorts that I wanted. The following weekend I joined my friends for a work conference in Tampa. Where I went to the outlet mall– for just a few things.

    2k and one turned off credit card and he’s never said another word about $4 shorts. Men– they have to learn everything the hard way.

    I LOVE the chicken. Especially the door bell ringing part— Holy hell, that’s terrific.

  656. This is why the internet exists. And metal chickens. But not towels, because they are for drying off metal chickens left out in the rain.

  657. I absolutely Adored this story! It reminds me of something I would do! I have always maintained that people need to pick their battles carefully! BTW: I want one of those Chickens!

  658. OMG you are the most hysterical woman I have ever met and would worship you if I could. I have started a metal chicken page as a result of the 30 min cry fest we had @ my office and throughout my circle of friends while reading your blog entry above courtesy of my sister in NC. I coudn’t help but repost to FB. Sorry Victor, she is funny and has great taste!!!!

  660. I have warned my husband that, the next time he complains at my buying a fandom figure or DVD, I’m simply going to say “At least it’s not a 5ft metal chicken”!

    Although… I think this would be an awesome Doctor Who monster for a particularly silly episode!

    I seriously need a mahoosive metal chicken in my life, but sadly we don’t get this kind of fun stuff in England. A friend and I have even searched eBay tonight, just because we wanted to call up Royal Fail and enquire as to the shipping costs of a five foot cock…

  661. I now want a 5-foot metal chicken like I want my next breath. Must find one. Oh, and best blog post EVER!

  663. I’m jealous. My wife never thinks of buying giant metal chickens. I have cunningly directed her to your blog in the hopes she’ll be so envious of your metal fowl that she will just have to scour the city until she finds one to adorn our doorstep. (And Charlie Red: obey and honor your husband? If you want that so much, pick up your knuckles from the ground and go get yourself a husband and then you can honor and obey him as much as you please).

  665. I don’t know you, but I’m reminded of why I’m single. Shit like this would drive me crazy. I don’t know that I could be punching things and still stay together with the BF. If you love him, set him free of this insanity. Not everyone can be pushed and pushed.
    Just sayin’.

  666. I read a sentence I didn’t understand on another site, clicked on the link and landed here. My first reaction was ‘oh, of course. I should have known.’ Then I settled in to read the story. Three minutes of loud guffawing, hooting and snorting later, my dog thinks I’m crazy. But I have my answer. And yes, Victor truly does need to pick his battles more carefully. For someone married for 15 years to you, he seems a little slow to learn. (I’m just saying…)

  668. I don’t know you, but I sure want to after reading this. Possibly the funniest description of marital relations that I have ever read. Happy Anniversary to you, Victor and Beyonce. 🙂

  669. Why did the metal chicken cross the road?
    What came first, the metal chicken or the towel?
    Colonel Sanders would be so jealous.
    Is the chickens favorite music heavy metal?
    Who’s chicken now?
    I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight.
    and last but not least… lay this.

  670. This is going to be me and my husband in 9 years. Holy hell, I haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time.

  671. Be careful, Jenny. Beyonce might be one of the 56 ft chicken’s babies……beware of growth spurts…
    BTW-that had to be one seriously huge, fucked-up egg…..

  672. LOL … This was my marriage and finally when it became more perverse than arguing over 5′ chickens, I said ENOUGH. Now I can read, watch TV, purchase towels or 5′ chickens whenever I please. And, no, I do NOT miss him.

  675. oh.my.goodness! lol

    So, my husband thinks we should all search for large plastic/metal easter eggs, stuff them with towels, and mail them to you!

  678. lmao. this is prob one of the funniest things i read in a while. wow. thanks olga.

  679. Men don’t like it when you bring a BIG COCK home!!!! Even if you do name it Beyonce!

  680. Hilarious!! Leaving at the door..priceless 🙂 I like a little rebellion too

  681. This post has brought my friend A. and I untold joy and laughter. In fact, we did an oral recitation of it in its entirety to a gathering of adults and children (we censored the swearing a teensy-weensy bit) at our Shabbat dinner table. My oldest stepdaughter (21) wants to be friends with you and Laura. We deeply heart you. I was vibrating our bed last night trying to hold in my laughter thinking of this: “[W]e were all ]What can you tell us about these chickens?’, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats” but that happens with different lines throughout each day. You have made your contribution to the universe with this blogpost alone and anything else you do after this is gravy.

  682. My 5 foot chicken was a diamond wedding band. Victor got off cheep. My Victor said “I can’t control what you do with your money.” That isn’t a no and he forgot my birthday. Never send a woman out with cart-blanch and forgetting her birthday.

  685. Best blog I have EVER read….after the Big Metal Chicken, I went back and laughed and laughed at your other posts! The fact that you just took your Christmas tree down in May nearly drove me to tears, I was laughing so hard! You are my new favorite, and I would LOVE to have one of the t-shirts….but, can you make one that says, “This chicken will cut you!”…..pretty please?

  686. Brilliant. Totally brilliant. Men like to claim that women have no sense of humor—clearly not true. And I know that when times are tough, I’ll be saying to myself “Well, at least there’s not a big metal chicken at your door.” Although, truth to tell, I’d love that chicken. Such a deal!

  687. I don’t think this is a lesson to pick your battles, I htink it’s a lesson that you two shouldn’t be married.

  688. Bloggess –

    I would just like to share an inspirational story with you…
    My mom loved this article so much that she named a duck Beyonce.

    Ok – more to this story. My parents live on a creek, and apparently (why is “parent” in “apparently”?) someone from a farm up the street dropped a domesticated duck (yes a real duck that loves people) off in their creek because – I guess they didn’t want the duck on the farm anymore (I don’t really understand this).

    So my mom was so fascinated with their new pet duck, and so inspired by this article, that she decided to name the duck Beyonce.

    Well it turns out that Beyonce had a shitting problem – aka the duck was shitting all over my parents porch and hanging out with the cats like she was one. Yes, imagine coming out of your front door, and there you see a cat in each chair, and a duck sitting between them… just hangin. Well my dad was not a fan of the poop porch, so they decided to start chasing Beyonce away with a broom – every single day. I’m not sure if they thought they would actually convince her not to come back, but luckily someone else took care of the job for them.

    And by that I mean, the extreme Mennonite neighbors next door caught Beyonce… and then they cooked her. Yup – poor Beyonce was made into duck soup – and then offered to my parents for dinner. They declined.

    So that’s it. A ducked inspired by you. Now a soup for dinner. Enjoy 🙂

  689. This is awesome. Men who make stupid demands should be easily outsmarted. Good job.

  690. Freakin HILARIOUS…. I would not have seen that coming. As a guy, I kinda feel bad for Victor tho. I mean, he was obviously already traumatized by hot pink towels. That’s why he said “No towels”. And now he has a giant chicken to traumatize him even more.
    I am *so* glad I’m single after putting up with half a lifetime

  691. This sends such a poor example of how to have a healthy relationship. Sad really.

  692. This was just the laugh I needed today. My feller wouldn’t know what to do if I brought that home… but it wouldn’t surprise him either I bet…

  693. Anniversary dinner for two at Kentucky Fried Chicken: $ 20.95
    Sexy lingerie to celebrate the event later: $ 64.00
    Huge cock waiting just outside the door: Priceless!

    Your post (and the comments following) were simply superb on so many levels! Looking at how viral this has gone, I’m off to check on buying some stock in large metal roosters (wink).

  695. Wonderful post I’m still giggling! Selling manure teas for Green minded gardeners is my business. However I have those that order my manure teas to give those they like and I’m sure some they don’t car for a real sack of Cr_p. So the next time Victor gets his feathers ruffled contact me and I’ll send you some on me <|;-) it's the cattle woman's way!

  696. I BEG of you….take a picture of the chicken from inside hubby’s office.

    BTW, I’m on the hunt for a Beyonce or something similar to celebrate my bff’s new home. She’ll LOVE it! 😉

  697. Thank you!!!
    I really REALLY needed this today!
    My husband FORGOT our 16th anniversary last friday!
    Not “remembered late in the afternoon, and brought home
    some shitty left-over grocery store flowers” kind
    of forgot…
    Nope… Nothing…nada…zilch…
    Then our 10 year old has completely driven me nuts! I swear he
    has forgotten how to use that grey matter between his ears!
    And to top it off, I have the flu! The knock down, drag out, cant I just
    Drink the whole bottle of Nyquil kind of flu..
    I giggled through the post until “chicken down!”
    Incredible laughter ensued. Along with a coughing
    Fit that I swear broke somw ribs…
    BIG MISTAKE!!
    Due to thw illness and the meds, not only did I
    Pee on myself, but actually pooped too!!! Who knew
    That much Nyquil gave you the shits?!?!?!
    Still laughing though!!!
    (of course, it is made funnier by making the 10 yr old do
    my laundry, not knowing what is going on!)

    I swear you might be related to me and my sister!
    And, coming from TX, and knowing the family
    Trees dont always fork where they should, it us a
    Possibility!!!

  698. I shared this with my husband today and his first response was that i can have all the towels i want. Although i’m thinking a giant chicken is better. I’ve read this three times so far and laugh every time.

  700. CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3 was the start of the best laugh I’ve had in ages. This is something my bestfriend and I would do. I too have forwarded this link to my family and friends. A gutt buster for sure. And the reply by CATT was the cherry on the top. OMG now that was funny….getting the 10 yr to do the laundry.

  701. Ok, I totally just got my daily workout by reading this. I laughed so hard my abs are literally aching. I think the chicken is WAY better than towels, and I can’t believe that Victor can’t see that. 😉

  702. Thank you! I haven’t laughed that hard for a long time. I cried, peed a little and my cheeks hurt. Greatest story ever!

  705. There was a time, a few years ago, when I wanted chickens. My husband thought it was a terrible idea. So, while at half-price books one afternoon, I found a book about pigs. Now he thinks chickens might be a good idea.

  706. Hilarious! I had to share this link with my husband. Who is now on the computer next to me laughing his ass off.. He now wants a huge chicken! Because of you I think there will now be a high demand in the large chicken department!

  707. That is the funniest thing! I needed a good laugh.
    It sounds like something that would happen in my house, and I”m sure that my DH wouldn’t appreciate it either.
    K xx

  708. And the simple point of this is that nothing says loving like a giant metal cock in your window! Besides this one will never go limp!

  709. RALOL oh my fn god that is fantastic i laughed and laughed, thank you so much for sharing, i needed that too….

  711. Get your metal chickens at the Ole Sale Barn in Denton, MD. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ole-Sale-Barn/190155147699877
    I unwittingly drove by it this weekend, and the 12 foot chicken by the road caused me to slam on brakes and back up down the highway. They have a chicken for every budget, ranging from Beyonce size to actual chicken size. I named mine Rico Suave since half of his butt has been formed from a piece of metal that used to read “Mexican Lubricant.” Also, it did nearly cut me while I was picking it up, even though I was forewarned!

  713. I’m pretty sure I would have gotten the same reaction from my husband but, then he would have insisted I brought it back for a refund….

  714. I really, really, REALLY would have done the EXACT same thing with the chicken! Plus also, if you ever decide to release the chicken from her backyard rock quarry…I know “someone” who could REALLY use a huge chicken. IF you decide to keep her, PLEASE make sure you occasionally provide her with some appropriate attire befitting of a diva like herself.

  715. I sent this column to a friend, and the very next day when he was driving in the country, he saw a farm with the exact same chicken in the front yard. It was older and rustier than Beyonce’; had probably been sitting there a long fucking time, but it was the SAME fucking chicken. Cue the Twilight Zone music.

  716. Hilarious! This is a must read. I don’t get it, but other people tell me it is funny and I believe them.

  717. Victor needs the perspective of longer married life. After 40 years, if he makes it, he will be saying,”do I have to drive you to pick them out?” or “can we have red ones this time?” Because he will have passed many big red chickens on his road through life, and he will learn to appreciate them sooner or later. This is my takeaway from your blog, pointed out to me by our eldest daughter and my best beloved husband: You are a ‘laugh out loud’ funny writer, the fine art of homemaking and keeping is still not valued to this day, and you must make the sacrifice and allow Victor the oldest, holiest (meaning most holes) scratchy rag until he gives up and asks where the nice towels have gone. Yea!! Big Red Chicken!!! Carry on!

  720. um, just a few days after sharing your post with my boss, she texted me this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lindseyandbryan/5933917411/

    Yes, a metal chicken guarding the house next door to her friends’ house! We almost peed our pants laughing.

    Further, I was surprised that there is not a giant metal chicken group on flickr where we can add our pics and locations….

  722. Great job wasting money on a dumb joke. Apparently this is supposed to be funny because you said “motherfucker”.

  724. I just have to thank you for this post. O…M…G! I’m laughing so hard I think I piddled! God Bless Beyonce! lmfao

  725. This was a service to all women everywhere. We should all hang this on the refrigerator for our husbands to see so we can teach them lessons without having to actually own a giant 5 foot chicken. There is probably some ordinance against these in my city.

    My favorite part was that when you moved it right in front of his window. My kids are wondering why I am laughing so hard.

  726. Apparently neither one of you was interested in learning what
    the other was thinking or feeling …

    But funny, as a joke.

  727. You had me spitting and sputtering as I sipped my coke zero while I read! I needed this today. Thanks!

  730. Thanks for this! A friend posted this on her facebook and I am still laughing! I shared it with everyone I know!

  732. This post made me laugh so hard I cried (at work) a few weeks ago. Today, during lunch I actually found a 4-foot-tall chicken in Home Goods. Because of you, it came home with me.

  733. All the way over in Australia, I am STILL laughing. My dh is laughing. My friends are laughing. That was great 🙂

  734. OMG I SO needed a laugh, and this totally did it! I actually had an asthma attck from laughing so hard and my family though I had lost my mind- but Oh so worth it! Thanks!

  735. Sweet baby Jesus…I had a shit-tastic day but this made me laugh so hard I cried again. Thank you! I’ve had that argument with my husband (except it was about vases) but I was not creative enough to buy a giant metal chicken. Lesson learned.

  736. Okay…I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. But then I look at the photo again and think…either Victor has a kick ass job or you make a butt load of cash off blogging because that porch is huge. It’s like mansion material. You go girl. 🙂

  737. As always, you make a grey day so BRIGHT again!! I absolutely loved this story!! This is EXACTLY what I would do if I had the money to do it…. hahahahaha! My husband would have the exact same reaction as well. Best anniversary gift story EVER!

    Love, love, love the way you can always make me smile and laugh out loud!
    Tamiko

  739. so on saturday july 9 my friend shares your Beyonce blog on her facebook.
    I read it and nearly pee pants. My fella snickered but failed to see exactly the same humour in it that I did.

    Two hours later my kids and I are strolling around Cow Bay in Prince Rupert, British Columbia when much to my joy and amusement I find standing outside the Cow Bay Gift Galley nothing less than a 3FT METAL CHICKEN. Like a younger sibling of Beyonce. Same colours and all.

    This little chicken was $139 CAD. so really – you got a deal of a deal with Beyonce.

    Thanks for a great laugh!

  740. Gerald!!!!
    I want a metal chicken!!! Where did you get it? Hilarious writing. Hilarious style my friend. Thanks for tagging me on it.
    Cathi

  742. Got a message from my friend saying “This could be you and me.” And this link was attached. I now can’t breathe because I’m laughing so hard and I’m pretty sure I just woke my husband up {who also believes we don’t need towels, but is wrong.}

  744. ANY COCK’LL DO OO
    Wonderful story, there are so many uses for old towels, sew them together and make bath mats, dog blankets, hand towels, chopped up for men’s shed RAGS for the car, THEN off you go and buy some more, you deserve it.
    Sandy

  745. Ok I have laughed my ass off at this and sent to all of my friends! Funniest part is where I work we create custom photo gifts and fulfill orders for many of the bigger photo gift places…….well today about 30 Beyonce statues were ordered so I got to laugh all over again!!

  747. I think I peed myself from laughing after I read, “Knock knock, motherfucker.”

  750. HA! This has been filed away under Useful Revenge Tactics. Next time I get any lip about my fucking yarn stash, somebody’s getting a 5 foot chicken.

  751. OMG, that was hysterical. I love it. Would have totally done the same thing.

  752. special k bar went flying onto the computer screen… this is the most random hilarious thing i’ve read in a while.
    Thank you for making my day 🙂

  753. I never get tired of womanthink. God gave you brains, but you have to move to switch to “on” by yourself.

  754. I don’t mean to judge but you seem spoiled. Who has 100.00 just to piss off their husband.

  756. I found a link to your blog via a friend on facebook, whom I dearly *love* for her sense of humour…

    Now, I have to tell you, I *love* you, too!

    I really wish that I could have a 5foot cock named Beyonce… it would totally rock my FRONT yard!!

    ROFLMFAO!!

  757. OMG…that is too funny. I wish I had a giant chicken to torture my husband…but since he annoyed me too often, I gave him up. Maybe I should get him a giant Chicken for our NON anniversary. Wonder if he’d appreciate that more than towels….

    lmao

  758. I totally got my father a giant blue cock for Father’s Day like two years ago. Inappropriate? Maybe. Hilarious? Always. Does it stir up chagrin and consternation in my mother every time she sees it on the deck? Most definitely – WHY DO YOU THINK I BOUGHT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

  760. Brilliant!!!! Did you ever think a giant cock would give you so many comments?? 🙂

  761. That is what my husband needs. I five foot multicolored chicken. Our anniversary is in September. Maybe I should start shopping early, too!!

  762. That is what my husband needs. A five foot multicolored chicken. Our anniversary is in September. Maybe I should start shopping early, too!!

  763. I adore your writing and this article has had me in tears from laughing.. first from the initial read… second from my husband’s calm and patient comment of “that you find that is so funny is funny” … and lastly from his “honey, you can buy all the towels you want.” Too late! I MUST have a giant chicken!!

    Count me in on the request for a “This chicken will cut you!” tshirt!!

  764. Oh, damn. My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I am *so* glad to know the proper gift for 15th anniversaries, however. No one ever bothered to tell me before that BIG METAL CHICKENS are traditional.

    Don’t be too surprised that this post went viral and the world beat a path to your door: Humans are readily infected by a wide array of avian viruses. It was only a matter of time. The end of the world in 2012 may be from the “giant metal chicken” flu. (You’re not to blame!)

  765. If I was Victor I’d put you to live under the tree with the chicken and not let you back in until you ate all that ‘free’ metal chicken. You are definitely not part of the solution.

  767. Omigod! This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I have been sitting here laughing my ass off with tears running down my face. I think my husband is now mad at me cause I haven’t been able to tell him what was so damn funny. Awesome. Thanks for the laugh.

  768. My anniversary is coming up……I can’t wait to tell people I have a 5 foot cock!

  769. I’m still howling over this chicken episode…..it’s priceless…..if you lived next door to me I’d help you drag that thing all over the place just for laughs….oh….and of course we’d go out for wine and snacks afterwards!

  771. OMG this is so funny! I just shared it with my husband. He told me today I shouldn’t buy a sewing machine because I might not use it much. Pretty much like all the power tools he’s bought then!! I told him beware or you will end up with Beyonce looking through your office window, and it won’ t be the hot singer!!!

  772. This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. Just read it out loud to my husband and have tears rolling down my cheeks!

  775. Yep, me too…tears, sore tummy muscles, the whole deal. I had a sucky day (um, the ex had a lot to do with it) and I SO needed this belly laugh. You made me feel better. And my fiance loved seeing me laugh so hard, so that was total win, too.

  776. I started A Metal Chicken Facebook page as a result of this blog post and we will be “Hacking”a metal chicken for our area @ the new Facebook HQ campus in Menlo Park CA (search Facebook for Facebook Menlo Park photos, for a look at our newly completed first of nine buildings) I will post the chicken when she is completed!!! Thanks again for sharing your gift of writing and not taking life to seriously!

  777. Hey Jenny,
    This is the funniest blog I have ever read BUT I have just gone onto zazzle to buy a ‘knock-knock motherfucker’ t-shirt and I can’t seem to find them. *SUPER SAD FACE*

    HELP!!!!

    I NEED this t-shirt so my life is completed!!

  778. I think you should take your hot pink towels and have them embroidered with just the initials KKM “Knock Knock Motherfucker”

  779. Is it mean that I called my ex-husband and read him this over the phone? (In my defense he was laughing his ass off, I knew he would) Needed to laugh like that! 15 years is metal chickens, AWESOME!

  780. Dear Victor,

    I am so sorry that you married such a sadistic emotional midget. May you have good luck in finding a divorce attorney.

    Kindest of Regards

  781. Please! I need to know where I can buy one of these. I have a friend that has an obsession with roosters and chickens. He needs one to ring his doorbell.

  782. This post has gone viral on Facebook. Seriously f’ing funny. To hell with Flat Stanley, we should all mail Big Honkin’ Metal Chickens around the country.
    I’ll do my part and put this on Google +.

  783. This still makes me laugh when I see it. A week after reading this I found a giant metal chicken but no one would let me buy it. I bet he’s still living at the random antique store where I found him. Pic on my blog.

  785. Oh woman – this post is hysterical. I BEGGED my husband to let me get one of these. HIs reaction was pretty much the same as Victors (albeit, without the fowl – LOL language). So, since I can’t have a 5 foot metal chicken, I’m thinking of trying to build one of these in the backyard:

    http://www.thefancyfarmgirl.com/heres-the-coop/

    I want to fill it with chickens that lay colored eggs – preferably greens and blues.
    Of course they will need premium food, a very large run… with a fountain and little miniature Adirondack chairs to lounge upon in the sun. I’m figuring that all this will cost – ball park figure – maybe $3,000 – $5,000

    HA – he should have let me buy that 5 foot Metal Chicken – MEN!

  786. This is amazeballs. It’s going viral among my friends. We’re all 20-something New Yorkers in the beginnings of our major life relationships, and I’d like to think this is where we’ll all be with our significant others after 15 years together: FULL OF WHIMSY!

  787. Jack shiite (#518)

    No person EVER EVER /EVER/ deserves to be hit at all, much less beaten to death, and you are an utter and complete asshole for even mentioning that there is possibly a reason for something like that to happen. I sincerely hope any woman in your life sees your comment and gets you into therapy, NOW.

  788. I think I know what your husband should get you for a present…. a divorce.
    You’re an idiot.

  789. I found your blog on Facebook and I’m going to subscribe. I love your humor. I have been reading this blog over and reading all the comments for like 2 days now. I had my husband read it and he was laughing too. We keep saying ‘knock knock motherfucker” to each other and cracking up. I asked him what he’d do if I came home with the rooster and he said that $100 was a great deal for a 5 foot metal cock! See, I’m the one that keeps telling him not to buy stuff so, I guess it would have been him ding dong ditching me 🙂

  792. I must say I find these things whimsical and I would station it at random peoples houses. I enjoy a fun “Beyonce” at my door anyday.

  794. omg. I was having a completely horrible day (due to a super nasty comment on my blog) but this has me crying with laughter instead of crawling in my bed and hiding under the covers.
    Thanks!
    And what IS it with husbands and towels? My husband does the same thing, but with towels AND sheets.

  795. Oh my gosh! I don’ teven know you – my friend, Ali McDougal, posted this link in facebook – but I think we’d be great friends!!! This — is — HILARIOUS!!!!

  796. Oh my gosh! I don’ teven know you – my friend, Ali McDougal, posted this link in facebook – but I think we’d be great friends!!! This — is — HILARIOUS!!!!

  798. The post is funny, but this is why I don’t want to get married. Crazy women and their damn chickens.

  799. Most of my family has been giving my dad various chicken statues or statuettes for years when all he really wanted was to be allowed to raise chickens.

  803. LMAO! I found this link from a friend on FB. We could be best friends, or close cousins. I would do the same thing, and to heck with the consequences! Totally reminded me of the stunt I pulled on the ex over a nasty remark he’d made with a 7-course dinner of all his favorite foods, and involved his dog, her food bowls, and a table set with a lace tablecloth and silver candelabras.

  804. An old friend of mine said that whenever she moved she had to buy a new set of towels because the old towels just never fit the new color scheme and would just look awful every time she entered that room. Towels mean different things psychologically to different people. I don’t mind tatty old towels, but I HATE cheap silverware with bendy handles that can’t handle hard ice cream. Communication about what it all really means to you is very important. Bet the husband has his purchasing hang-ups, too, just in different areas.

  805. Loved your chicken story so much, read it to my husband thinking he would see the humor. What? Really? Yeah, and his comment was ” They really seem to like chickens”. AND THATS WHY I NEED A GIANT METAL CHICKEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!

  808. Hands down the funniest thing I have EVER read!!! That made my whole weekend!!! Next time my hubby gives me grief about a purchase, I’ll have him read this blog. I think I need a 5-foot chicken!!! LMAO

  810. I laughed so hard I cried… then I sent it to my best friends. They cried too. We want a chicken too!!! I found the same 5 foot metal chicken at a local HG not too far from home!!! I want one so badly but my husband won’t let me get it. I can’t go sneak and get it because I can’t fit the sharp large chicken in the mini with my 3 children. I don’t need towels… is there anything “worse” than a big metal chicken that doesn’t cost $100? ;o) Like you said, pick your battles! I am new to your blog, what a great post to start on… thank you for the laughs!!!

  812. Yesterday, I found my own Beyonce (smaller, of course, but 35% off so still free chicken!). I can report that I did get cut carrying Beyonce home from the antique gallery so long story short, part chicken/part shiv…I still love Beyonce, though!!

  813. Funniest shit I have read in 4ever. About pee’d my pants! Thinking my hubby would find it funny I shared it- nope. Prob because my friends and I LOVE to pull this crap on him all the time. Thank u for making me laugh!

  816. I now have the perfect line if I come home with something my husband doesn’t really like. I can smile and say with a shrug, “Well, at least it’s not a 5 foot tall metal chicken!!” and he will have to agree with that..lol.

  817. I need this chicken! I have a Chicken themed kitchen and over the years my husband and sons have made snide comments about my “cocks” in the kitchen and I laughed so hard while reading this that they all had to come see what was going on! What store was this wonderful item at?

  819. OH. MY. GOD!!!!! I want that chicken!!! I have the perfect home for it. My friends would love it too, we could all sit on the patio drinking wine, sangria, martinis, whatever, and just admire the 5 foot chicken.

  820. Sometimes a giant c@ck is just what a woman needs to resolve an argument with her significant other. I don’t think bath towels would do quite the same! 😉 Thanks for sharing your most awesome story, it even had the perfect ending… “The Moral of The Story”

    PS. Is there a monthly cap on choosing battles?

  821. This is the funniest blog post I’ve read in months – thank you! My husband told me once that I couldn’t buy any more SHOES until I got rid of some. He said that for every new pair of shoes that came into the house a pair had to leave first. Ha! I threw out 5 pair of his and bought 5 new pair for me. I wish I would have had a metal chicken to cheer him up that day. *snort*

  822. Absolutely hilarious. I came across this by accident and laughed my rear off. LOVE!

  824. OMG, I laughed so hard I was crying! Thanks I need that and now I am on a mission to find a giant chicken for our anniversary!

  825. I SAW Beyonce at our local TJ Maxx while with MY BFF!!! We had a very similar conversation because she collects ‘chickens’ that cover her front yard. One of them is the fabled ‘colorful cock’ – a massive ceramic rooster of epic proportions. I couldn’t talk her into bringing Beyonce 2 home – didn’t think of the “$200 worth of chicken free” sales pitch.

  826. I almost bought this chicken at TJMax last week. I have a collection of chicken and roosters in my front garden and thsi big fellow is amazing. So glad you had so much fun with him.

  827. I wonder how much longer it will before you two are divorced. You two certainly seem to be on the right track…

  830. Oh holy sweet sweet Jesus…. that is AWESOME.

    I’m not married….but hope that someday, if I ever am….I get to pull stunts like this and still stay together. Laughing together, or alone, at how frickin’ hilarious I so obviously am.

    Following you on twitter…….right. now.

    ~J

  831. i needed that. been having a rough week with little in the way of laughter, almost died smiling 🙂

  833. Thank you for this. My husband and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this week – I think this kind of story is a priceless look into what married life is really like. This and the fact that you still love your spouse to death when this kind of fight is all over.

  834. This is hysterical! Passive-aggressive marital arguement GENIUS! I hope you got your point across, and that you and Victor can laugh about this in the years to come. (Hell, I forwarded your blog to MY husband, and I think WE will be laughing about it in years to come!)

    And its a shame people are using your blog as a soapbox for the state of the US Economy. Maybe we should ship the chicken to their front door for a visit.

  836. This is hilarious. I can’t imagine spending $100 to mess with my husband, but I CAN share this with everyone I know. Thanks for the laughs!

  837. That is the funniest thing I have read in so long!
    I totally would have had to buy the giant chicken too, and also leave it on friends’ doorsteps.

  840. OMG!!! I can’t breathe!!!!!~ This is the best thing I have read in so long! LOVES IT!!!!!!!!

  844. I can’t compete with this! You win. Someone posted this on my facebook page. It was great fun to wake up to. Knock Knock. Motherfucker.

  845. I loved the story. And I spent the last hour in hysterics at the comments… There were so many, I couldn’t read them all. But you are absolutely right in buying Beyonce. I’m so glad you had pictures because it proves that you really can’t make up this kind of stuff. I’m glad my hubby didn’t tell me, no towels… I probably would have bought multiple boxes of shoes at even greater expense and said “Happy Anniversary to me!!”

  846. I wrote a post that links to this, and I included your picture of Beyonce in my post. Why? Because I love it. Hope you don’t mind! How can you mind being loved? Post will be out a little later this morning, after the proofreader – “Velcro”- reads it

  847. I loved this post and it’s my first exposure to your blog, holy crap I am sold.

    You two seem to have a healthy and fun relationship and I love that Victor told you that he’d strangle you if you bought towels but more importantly he laid the groundwork for you and your friend to have the cock buying adventure. SO much fun and I am a huge fan of fucking with my loved ones when they aren’t seeing the humor in my actions.:) Your story made my day. LOVE!

    PS- I wrote this before reading any of the above comments and see that a few people fall into the category of not seeing the humor like they should,. To them I say, YOU NEED MORE COCK!

  849. this is the funniest thing I have ever read. I love it. I wish I had the guts to spend $100 on one. my husband would probably like it.

  851. You are my idol:D So tempted to do something like this myself:) I think all wives need to do this to their husbands when they’re cheap / or being a jerk about some towels!! First time on this blog, but will come back for more…..
    Ding Dong..Cock a Doodle Do…MF…just classic:)))

  853. This. Is. So. Funny! Thank you for the laugh, and also for clueing me in to the fact that the 15th anniversary is the metal chicken anniversary. My 15th is coming up. Whew! That would have been awful if I had given him a Rolex or something. Metal Chicken it is!

  856. Where can I get a chicken? I have searched four Home Goods stores and my husband searched everywhere for one for me for our 16 year anniversary. He knows how much I want one! Can’t find one anywhere. Love it!!!

  857. Come Winter, you must please promise to wrap the chicken’s hot pink neck with one of your hot pink towels like a scarf! Just a little reminder as to what started it all…I am glad you have a Victor to inspire you. He actually sounds like a good “egg”!

  859. OMG… this is the funniet thing I have seen.. ever…… and I can so relate to two friends… “like, all like..” LOVE it.. thank you for sharing this.. i have passed it on !!!

  861. I don’t remember ther last time I laughed so hard. Thank you. I really needed that.

  863. This was awesome. I was afraid you were going to say that Vincent got so angry at Beyonce that he ‘choked the chicken’.

  864. Love. This.
    There’s not many women that can say “Well if he ever leaves me, at least I’ll still have that giant cock…..”. LMFAO

  865. Wow! You are a horrible person! Hopefully you have been like this you entire relationship for your husband and he only has himself to blame for marring you. Buying something to spite him, you definitely have a loving relationshi.

    Also all you you other ladies posting on here that are going to use this that is not love. You are not a romantic, you are just horrible to your husbands / boyfriend if you have one. While it is ok to be on the outside and laugh at another couples dysfunctional relationship, when the so boldly post about it publicly. It’s another to use it.

    With the amount of women posting they are going to do this in such a short period of time I can only deduct most women are horrible to their significant others.

    I am so shocked that 50% of marriages end in divorce, NOT!

    Good luck pissing off the person YOU chose to spend the rest of your life with.

  866. Nearly had an asthma attack reading this to my husband. And I think I peed a little too. He chuckled and said, “oh, you and your ilk.” Love it.

  867. This is the most brilliant story. I laughed so hard – and then proceeded to share it with my office this morning. Great way to start this Friday! Thank you for sharing and happy anniversary!
    Much love,
    B

  868. That Nick commenter needs a sense of humor. My bf bought me a stuffed rabbit with a mustache we named Tito Van Noches for valentine’s day last year, and now we both get a kick out of hiding the damn thing in funny little places on each other. I hope that someday you guys do the same thing with Beyonce – although I guess he’d be a little more awkward to hide around the house, but it’d still be a comical battle. 😉

  869. So funny that actual coffee may have come out of my nose this morning. Love it!!! Some people need to lighten up! That big red chicken would be a huge hit here in South Carolina, where the state university mascot is the “Gamecock,” aka Chicken. I fear they may become the must-have lawn decor if that store sells them here.

  870. I am glad Nick said what he did. I was going to say the exact same things. Your husband should get your respect. This is not love. I truly feel sorry for your husband.

  871. “Dude, nice chicken.” LOL , for real. This is great. Thanks.

    And, Nick (above), chill out, man. It is quite hilarious. If anything it will turn out to be a bonding experience that they will both look back upon and laugh. It is an attitude like the one displayed in your post that would cause one’s marriage to fail, not the comical antics communicated via this blog entry. Before you ask, what makes me qualified to make this assessment is 40 years of experience and the three letters behind my name. Think about it.

  873. If i drank milk it would come out my nose…. seriously… you should not only get a towel and a dollar from everyone who was entertained but there should be at least one towel with a CHICKEN on it.

  874. The photo of that big-ass metal chicken at the front door made me double over with laughter! Phew. This post is brilliant – and now I want a giant, um, fowl.

  876. Thank you. Unlike your many other comment writers, I do not actually want a giant chicken. But I am so glad you shared yours with us. After a very difficult morning at work, I had the joy of tears streaming down my face as I tried to hold back the laughter from reading your blog. Next time I’ll shut my office door before reading one of your entries.

  880. I showed this post to my husband and said, “See? See? Pick your damn battles.” And he was all like, “I want a 5 foot tall chicken. Post a comment and ask her where she bought it.” Yeesh.

  882. You are my hero and I wish we were friends. The funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. LOVE it and thank you for the laugh. Victor is a lucky man.

  883. p.s- the bloggers commenting on your lack of respect and horribleness as a person…WOW- crazy. first off obviously you DON’T need a job if you dropped 200 bones on a metal chicken AND if I was a betting woman I would say the others are single. NO ONE can survive a serious relationship/ marriage with zero sense of humor. Thank you for yours.

  884. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with having a sane conversation with your husband about why you needed new towels? Instead you find it appropriate to waste $100 and show him that you’re right?

    I’m amazed that your marriage has lasted this long.

  885. Oh you seriously made my month. I have shared your blog and you have made me the humor queen! This was the most laughing I have done over chicken/roosters in a long time! You need I support Beyoncé the chicken stickers or buttons. Honk of you ? Beyoncé!!! The chicken Bitches.

  886. OMG!!! How I got this blog I have NO IDEA but we were meant to know one another. OMG.. you should see my 6 foot mermaid!!!!! And I bought it at Home Goods/TJ Maxx on CLEARANCE!!! Can I send you a picture? I’m going to pee my pants.. I even made Victor/Doug read this… gees funny shit! Thank you so much for the laugh. if you want to see my mermaid send me an email.. I’d love to show you a picture.. you’re my kind of girl! lol

    Heather

  887. HAHAH.. Just read all the negative responses.. get a life, losers. They are just chicken haters! lol I think everything about this is halarious! Can I post a picture of my 6 ft mermaid just so these lovely peeps can hate me too? lol

  891. I just found your blog in the past couple days and this post is awesome. It got me laughing this morning before my coffee was finished. Thanks!

  892. Love it.
    Let that be lesson to the men of the world…never say no to towels and linen. 🙂
    It can lead to fowl consequences….

  895. I don’t understand women who wouldn’t rather put that $100 toward shoes from Saks.

    HOWEVER: Victor deserved it. 🙂

  896. O.M. G………..laughing, crying, wetness rolling down face…………..I just found your blog today and I’m dying……but this is the the best post, the best purchase. Must. Have. 5ft Chicken. Where to find…………love you…………….

  897. OMG!!! This is about the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!! LOVE the big chicken!!

  900. Best. Blog. EVER! Holy Freaking Frijoles are you funny and boy howdy can you write! I now need a giant metal chicken. And now I know how to get even with the hubs when he has driven me over the edge. LOVE YOU!!!

  901. You should begin putting large towels as capes to commerate holidays, a towel around Beyonce’s non existant hair for Saturday night hot tub night, a large red white and blue one as a cape for July 4th, perhaps a blue and white and silver one for Chaunaka (spelled wrong as I am not Jewish), hand towels for when company comes, and especially because they (sold at the same store as Beyonce comes from if I can judge by the description and background) come in holiday themes like easter and such, Maybe a kids one with Barney, and pretty ones for the bad cold weather so she won’t catch a cold and cluck him into insanity outside his window. I want a chicken and I plan to search for one, it would scare away snails and slugs in my garden, as that is what chickens love to eat, . thank y ou for writing this blog, I want to start a blog some day about the stupid things I try to give away at the side of my yard, so I don’t have to admit I bought them and now need to get rid of them, but usually someone takes them away anyway.

  902. I forgot to tell you, your story made my daughter laugh, and I bless you for that, she is having quite a time and anything that makes her laugh is a bonus. Keep on writing. i am still chuckling, or maybe clucking as the case may be.

  903. Bahahaha! *sigh* love it. Screw the pink elephant, the giant cock is totally WIN!!!! 😉

  904. knock knock motherfucker? you’ve seen thankskilling haven’t you?

  905. totally IN! Loved the writing, laugh every time I read it. The photo of the chicken at the door is priceless. KKMF is perfect timing! Thanks for making us all laugh at ourselves here! Yah, women are like this, guys. Get over it.

  906. Did you tell Victor that when it comes to cocks-BIGGER is BETTER? 🙂

    Thanks for the laughs- you made my day.

  907. This is something I would do ..its GREAT. We have been fighting about where to put a flag pole for 5 months now. Even our grown kids are in the fight. This has given me one heck of an idea. Thank you!

  909. oh you are so awesome…this story is so priceless. you should send this to beyonce. i mean the non-chicken one.

  910. A) I feel kind of bad about all the people bashing Victor for not wanting towels. I don’t think he sounds like a dick.. sometimes you CAN have too many towels.

    B) Those who are complaining about ‘wasting’ money on a metal chicken and that are all “What about the have-nots!” may want to consider that someone had to MAKE that giant metal chicken.. likely someone with a family to feed. I’m sure Jenny’s $100 purchase means a LOT to them.

  911. You have to know that Beyonce saved my sanity. Friday night I was on my way somewhere while also in the middle of a crisis with a friend. I was on the phone having a very serious conversation about this really dumb fight I ended up in with this girl I’ve known for years, when I parked my car, and got out of my car to finish the conversation on the sidewalk before going inside the building where I was headed. Standing on the sidewalk, I started to loose it just a little when I looked up and saw in the yard in front of me none other than a Big. Metal. Chicken. It was a 3 foot tall replica of Beyonce. And I start laughing. A lot. And the conversation that had been very life and death turned to, “Knock Knock, Mother Fucker” and “Wow, I bet that lady doesn’t have any towels.” So, thank you Beyonce. My friendship is still a disaster, but at least I went out laughing.

  912. This is the greatest thing I’ve read all day. Poor Beyonce… Only wants to be loved. I would trade my spleen for a giant metal chicken right now.

  913. If only there was some sort of blow-up metal chicken you could leave at people’s door when you’re trying to make a point (I have zero upper body strength, hence the need for an inflatable version). Also, I think you should probably install a recording of you saying, “Knock, knock motherfucker,” that could be installed. You know, for authenticity.

    Or something.

  914. This is the funniest blog I think I’ve ever seen. So ordinary but deliciously insane and ridiculous. Thanking you kindly =)

  915. Was having breakfast with my daughter and son-in-law when they showed me this… laughed so hard. Within 5 minutes after we left the resturant we saw this BIG metal chicken in a parklng lot. We had to stop. We took its picture along with the BIGGER metal flamingo to send to my daughter. We thought about buying it but it wasn’t on sale. Kept me smiling all day. Thanks

  917. I know it sounds kind of crude, but I would have told him that “My cock’s bigger than yours!” and then I would have busted up laughing from the bushes.

  919. The funniest thing about this post was that after it went viral, my husband sent me a link to it. And then he spotted a giant metal chicken at an antique store.

    THEY’RE EVERYWHERE. THEY’RE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. AND THEY’RE NOT TOWELS.

  921. your story is hilarious 🙂 I’m just curious to know if Victor got you towels as an anniversary gift? Ha!

  923. I’m sincerely hoping I get an answer to this, but what was it like the next time you had chicken for dinner?

  924. I loved this story- I got laughing so hard at work I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit. thanks for making my day! I think you should have put a sign on the chicken- TOWEL BOY. too bad Beyonce is a girl!!!

  926. Thank you for sharing this story. You are very inspiring. I almost bought a donkey pinata for my husband (he was being a bit stuborn) I figured after I was done annoying my husband with it I could throw a party for my single friends and fill it with condoms but then I realized I don’t have any single friends anymore. I still almost bought it anyway but I didn’t because:
    1. It was a pinata, I didn’t think I had enough candy to fill it (who wants to play pinata and all you get is a half eaten candy bar.)
    2. I didn’t think it would survive the dog and cats long enough to meet my husband.
    3. It was a pinata, where on earth could keep it that would not entail hitting my head on it every day (I am kind of tall and my ceillings are not)

  927. Oh my gosh I’m still hiccuping and laughing . I’m so glad my friend shared this with me on Facebook.

  928. THANK YOU! I laughed so hard I cried. Next time my hubs and I fight, he is totally getting a giant metal chicken. AWESOME!

  929. You are sooooo soul sisters! The back seat of our Element was taken up week-before-last by a life-size bison head plush (a la Muppet Treasure Island), the entire way home from Estes Park, CO to Dallas, TX, encroaching on Otis’ personal space (Otis is our Stabyhound) Why did we buy a stuffed bison head (which is also a 20 pound hand puppet as tall as my son)?? Because it was marked down to $15 from $185 and because bisons are cool, and how many people do you know with Fluff-alo heads hanging on their otherwise-chic-ly-adorned living room walls? When we saw it, my son and I asked each other, “Why is this necessary in life?” The resounding answer was No Freakin’ Reason At All…. which made it a MUST.
    Glad to hear from another person who lives life for the joy of it.

    Do they have any more chickens for sale?? Do they have a store in Dallas? : )

  930. Seriously, you are brilliant, I am on the hunt for a fricking Giant Chicken!!!!!!!! And the salesman, omg, my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard….you know the salesman hates the chicken….Has Victor told you not to buy anything else lately? Hee Hee 🙂

  931. My wife used to waste money on dumb things like this.
    So I left her.
    She’s a lot more frugal now.
    I have a happy chuckle about it every day now.
    Bok-Bok, bitch.

  932. Well, I was determined not to be a PITA and comment, but after reading the comments from the assclowns here, I can’t help myself. BTW, your replies to the dolts are AWESOME!! Oh and the other Jenny #844, loved your comment to the troll brigade, as well. Obviously, there are far too many idiots to comment on all of them, so I slimmed my list to some of the most idiotic.

    #’s 397, 296, 283 (it’s THEIR, learn to spell before criticizing someone else), 285, 287, 483, 510, 518, 454 (nice grammar jackhole), 1922- THIS is what you think leads to divorce and the fall of the effin economy and wife beating?? You don’t mean to judge, but you’re questioning where she spent money she works for by writing a ton of shit that makes us all wet ourselves from laughing so hard? Really? Where is the non-judgment there? Class divide and frivolous spending, huh? So, I can assume that you do not frivolously spend money on fast food, Starbucks, cable or any myriad of frivolous expenses? Money is relative and your wasted dollar is how many meals to someone in Africa? For every dollar you spend on something unnecessary, do you contribute the same amount to charity or go say 10 (or however many you’re supposed to say) hail Mary’s? Get a life!! My husband lives and works over 1100 miles away and has for the last year and a half. We see him every couple of months and this is necessary so that we can put food on the table. Do you hear me whining about how Jenny spends her money and the disparity between the classes in this country? HELL NO because it’s none of my business, I am just thankful she provides free comedic relief to both the rich and poor alike. Not only that, my gosh, just think of how the metal chicken market is going to boom and all the jobs it will secure. PRICELESS!!!

    Incidentally, my big metal chicken anniversary is August 2nd and I soooo badly want to go have my picture taken next to the gigantic metal rooster in front of some nearby shops, with a gigantic sign that says happy big metal chickens honey (or something funnier that I pull from your blog), but I doubt I’m that brave.

    At any rate, you’ve provided hours of laughter and tears and snorting and I am still passing it on to every single person I know who hasn’t read this blog yet…if you can believe such people exist. I quote lines from this blog constantly. LOVE IT!!!

  933. Um, anyone who threatens to strangle you over towels, in jest or not, should probably be kicked out. Just sayin’

  935. That is the funniest thing I have read in awhile “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.””

    OMG….

  936. Our 45th anniversary is coming up (15 x3 = 45 years) (5 x 3 = 15 foot cock) – can’t wait to answer the knock on the door.

  937. OMG. I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS. You are a wonderful story teller! The only thing better than a five foot metal chicken would be a five foot metal mate for said chicken. You know, maybe a flamingo…
    Tina @ Life is Good

  938. This is, I’m pretty sure, the funniest thing I have ever read. Definitely reading you again. Thanks for the total awesomeness of this post.

  939. This is an absolutely fantastic story and you rock!
    I know exactly what to get my husband next time he acts like an ass!!!

  941. We found a 5-foot rooster in HomeGoods… we took a picture of my boyfriend with it… he would’ve bought it too if we had the space!!! This was great… thanks for the laugh!!

  942. OMG! I can’t believe you have received just under 3000 comments about your H I L A R I O U S story! I shared it on my facebook page and everyone LOVED it! I also posted a link to it on my blog tonight. I hope you don’t mind. It inspired a needlepoint story about a rooster that I stitched a number of years ago. Your story should be in a movie!

  943. OMG, this is flipping hysterical. my aunt sent me the link and when my brother and i read it together, we could NOT. STOP. LAUGHING. seriously.

    thanks for the big laugh,
    tayet

  944. ‘I don’t understand women who wouldn’t rather put that $100 toward shoes from Saks.’
    And I don’t understand women who would. World takes all kinds!
    (Besides…what kind of shoes can you even get for $100 at Saks Fifth Avenue…?)

    I think the long list of people commenting here to say this cracked them up is worth $100 easily. Laughter is a commodity, people. And those who don’t agree? I’m not gonna say you’re wrong, precisely. The important thing is that you get your money’s worth when you spend it. For some people, that means not spending it. And for some people, it means big metal chickens and a great memory and a story they’ll be telling forever.

    ‘My wife used to waste money on dumb things like this.
    So I left her.
    She’s a lot more frugal now.
    I have a happy chuckle about it every day now.
    Bok-Bok, bitch.’

    Gosh, you sure taught her a lesson! I bet she cries into her cheerios every single day when she thinks about how she’s no longer married to somebody who has no sense of humor and takes pleasure in the sadness of people he once ostensibly cared about. And then posts about it on the internet. That’s a solid point on YOUR side of the scoreboard! BOOYA!

    Here’s the kicker, though: these two people actually love each other. Obviously. Because if this kind of antagonism doesn’t result in homicide, it HAS to be love. And that is fucking awesome. Cheers. This blog gets a home on my RSS feed for big metal chicken and cat-staches alone.

    (I don’t know who you are, but Victor and I are both laughing and high-fiving you. ~ Jenny)

  945. That is HYSTERICAL!! I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!! Have to say that I really like that chicken!

  946. You need to grow up.

    Two fundamental things are needed in a stable relationship: for the woman to feel loved, and the man to feel respected. Your post came off sounding selfish and self-absorbed, and your friend sounds worse, as she knew he’d hate it.

    Humor is one thing. You’ve missed the point of your article title though. You aren’t picking your battles, and it may one day come back to haunt you.

  947. Oh-My-God! Too funny! That is totally like the sh*t we pull. I wish we had a giant chicken.

  948. Although I’m glad that me and my hubby of twelve years don’t communicate this way, I’m delighted to forward this to him because I know we’ve both thought of doing something like this to each other many times.

  949. I cried from laughing so hard! Two years ago I put a giant knight in shining amour wearing bunny ears at my best friends door on Easter Sunday – ding dong! Run! For her Scottish (now ex) husbands b’day we wrapped a tartan scarf around his neck, etc… He now stands sentinel in the veggie patch AND she has 8 chickens!!!!

  950. Wow. This is so funny and Jenny totally pegged it when she said that Victor is a hard man to rattle. Yes, yes he is!
    I am very impressed with Victor, because he knows his wife and she knows him. They know how they can play and interact.
    All of you men who are either stating about divorce or have never been married, you obviously do not have a close enough relationship with your wife/girlfriend/bigmetalchicken to have fun in a relationship. Not everything is death and taxes. Know your audience people!

  951. I realize I’m seriously late on the uptake here, having just learned of you through a friend who reposted the link to this entry, but had to say “thank you” for the laugh! This is the type of things I do with friends on a fairly regular basis, so we’re kindred spirits, of sorts. 🙂

  952. I laughed so hard I cried. Make that I am still lauging so hard that I am crying! I totally need to do something like this to my husband!

  953. Percent of negative posters to this blog entry = 3.75%
    Percent of humorless people who will be turned into zombies in the first hour of the zombie apocalypse = 3.75% (because apparently, lack of humor makes one’s brain tastier to zombies. Who knew?!)
    Coincidence?
    I don’t think so!

    Jenny, when does your book come out? Where can I pre-order it?

  956. I laughed until I thought I would pee my pants. I was in my office with tears streaming down my face and laughing that awful laugh which is somewhere between crying and laughing. All I could think of was I needed Beyonce when I was married!!!

    You have started a movement – I now have Beyonce’s brother, Henry, on my front porch!!!

  957. I was in my office with tears streaming down my face and laughing that awful laugh which is somewhere between crying and laughing. All I could think of was I needed Beyonce when I was married!!! You have started a movement – I now have Beyonce’s brother, Henry, on my front porch!!!

  958. I don’t know you, & we’ll likely never meet … I have no idea how I was directed to this blog (which, by the way, I very much enjoyed). That said, as a guy who is very happy & considers himself blessed to have been happily married for 23 years & raised four kids with a woman who has been far more upset with me over issues more significant than towels or metal chickens, I offer the following unsolicited advice: do your best to realize that _Victor_ is awesome, & then giggle at the good. funny, & off-putting things about him. Trust me, if you have a good guy the best thing you can do is let him know you know he is one. 30-40 years from now, you will know I am right.

  959. I’ve thought about doing something like that, but never had the nerve to go through with it. Amen to you sister!

  960. You know, when Hailey is old enough to get married, someone should point this site out to her future husband.

    Or, maybe they should just elope to Vegas.

    ~EdT.

  961. Pathetic. Grow up, go buy the stupid towels and tell Vic to stick his idea about the whole towelthing where the sun don’t shine. Apart from that, I like the idea of buying a multiple feet high metal chicken and put it on someones doorstep.

  963. the problem with chickens, though, as hilariously awesome as they are.. is once you have one silly chicken, people will think you’re a *chicken person* and give you *other* horribly kitchy and ugly chickens and then you will have a whole flock and your house will be ridiculous. and scary. 🙁

    ( i hope i don’t ever have to fight about towels, of all things. )

  965. OMG!!! My husband is so lucky he is dead. (I know that’s weird but…) I have to get one of these. It would really piss off my snooty home owners association not to mention the neighbors. I’m thinking we could rent them out to poor 5 ft chickenless souls

  966. A friend shared a link to this on Facebook, so I had to read it. OMG you have the best sense of humor!!!! I LOVE it!!!! I’m going to be a faithful reader from now on…

  967. Amazing!! A friend of mine shared on facebook. I will tell you my huband and I have been arguing about getting chickens….I just told him I wanted one of these…thanks for the laugh today.

  968. Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! This is SOOOOOOOOOO freakin’ hilarious! We ALL need a 5 foot metal chicken in our lives!

  969. This is so amazing, I think you win the award for the Best Wife of the Year! Bahahahaha.. can’t stop laughing.

  970. I had trouble understanding this crucial line “Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels”. According to my wife, if the author bought towels then they wouldn’t be having this argument. But then they would be having another argument, namely one about buying unnecessary towels. There’s no escaping arguments if you’re married or in a relationship.

  971. Oh this is TOTALLY worth the price of admission!! MY husband actually pointed me to this saying over and over “This is you and Lisa!!” (Lisa aka my BFF.)

    I <3 Beyonce!

  972. My friend sent this to a bunch of us (shortly after receiving a miniature Beyonce for herself.). I’m a new fan. My husband enjoyed reading about Copernicus and Beyonce as well. Can’t wait to read more!

  973. that is an awesome story! had me laughing the whole time i was readinng!!

  974. LMFAO……That’s sooo something I would do !!!!
    Off to look for a Giant COCK in ma neighborhood …WOOT

  976. All you need to do now is drape a hot pink towel over that chicken and it’ll be all good!! ROTFLMAO funny!!

  977. I just read this to my husband and his response was “that’s a good deal for a hundred bucks! I’d a bought it too!”

  978. How come my local Home Goods and T J Maxx don’t have 5 foot tall chickens? Not fair! 🙂

    This story sounds like something that would go on in my household. I love the honesty! Most people blog about their spouse and they sound like they have the perfect life, a la stepford wife, but this is reality in my house and quite a few others, I would imagine!

    The only difference is that I usually hide my purchases when I get home and spring them on him weeks later when I can say that “It’s not new, I’ve had this for ages!”

  979. OMG-i just wet my pants
    that is by far the funniest blog post i have read in a while
    I am now a follower
    you are cray cray
    you are my kind of girl!

  980. Thank you for the good laugh, I needed it!!
    This is one of the funniest things I read in a while. Girl, you ROCK!

  981. OMG I think I nearly wet myself reading this!! You my dear are a legend!!! Onya is all I can say while I sit hear wiping my tears away from laughter!!

  982. You my dear are a legend!!! Onya is all I can say while I sit hear wiping my tears away from laughter!! You are a legend!

  984. As one of the few men to post, I just wanted to add how I would have handled this. Unlike Victor, I might have said “honey, I know you want to buy some towels, but please do not spend a lot of money. Just buy a few this time.” IF you came home with a deadly cock, I think I could laugh about it for a little while!!!

  986. Oh, wow – this was hysterical! I read it to my Husband and we were rolling; I literally had tears running down my face!

  988. This is absolutely hilarious! This is the first blog of yours I’ve read, and I found it linked on a cousin’s facebook wall. AWESOME! I wish I knew you in real life…I have a feeling we could be best friends! Hahaha! I look forward to reading more of your blogs. 🙂

  989. Is Victor Peurto Rican? I am and in my head he is too. You are so right, life isn’t all that funny, it’s repetitious. $100, rather $99 is a bargain price for such a memorable story and all of the laughs it has generated. Thank you for reminding me to inject more sense of humor in my oh-so-grown-up life.

  990. I think this is one of the best things I have read in a long time. I’m laughing so hard my co-workers keep looking at me. I especially love the part where you moved it to be seen from his office window. Priceless!

  992. I really feel like we need to hang out. I would enjoy spending a whole day laughing so hard I puke… You are hilarious and our entire department at work can’t get enough of your blog. Keep it up girl! You freaking rock!

  993. Have you googled “5 foot metal chicken”? Your blog is #1 and the entire first 3 pages are blogs talking about it.

    Excellent prank BTW! I want you chicken, I have rooster envy.

  994. I just about spit out my tea. My husband is happy to know he is not the only man that has to deal with a whimsical cock sitting on his front porch 🙂 we have one that is the Bain of my husbands exist. Thanks

  995. can any one please tell me where the 5ft chicken is available to buy-the one featured in the towel shopping article-i have to get one-please help.

  996. This is the best thing I’ve read, EVER. You have completely inspired me to hunt for my very own 5 foot metal chicken, despite the fact that I have no yard to display it in. I’m thinking living room art. Knock, Knock!!!

  997. Thank you so much for sharing..I was laughing so hard that I was crying and everyone within hearing distance at the office wanted to know what was so funny! Love your sense of humor!

  998. If my wife had done this to me I would have taken the chicken to the landfill and dumped it. No comments, no complaints, no hysterics. But then, no chicken either.

  999. OMG! If I opened the door at my house and see a 5 foot metal chicken no matter what my mood was I would be laughing my ass off!!! This is hilarious!!! IT IS a nice CHICKEN!!!! I totally love the UPS guy for saying that; I could totally picture Victor’s replying all furious “THIS IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN!!” This would be a great skit for a SNL.

  1002. While I was at swim class with my girls. Two of my friends were searching all over for a metal chicken! I get casual calls from them asking where I was as I was texting them asking if they were home. With no one at home I headed to my friends house to place my big pussy (a giant stuffed animal tiger that was won at a carnival) and note on her door and she was headed to my house to place her average size cock at my door. Both notes quoted the blogess: Knock Knock Mother Fu*ker! None of us had discussed doing this prank with the other which is what made it so darn funny! Its things like this that make my day! I am so glad I found people just as disturbed as me willing to go all out to make each other pee our pants. LOL Although a BIG pussy isnt as good as a BIG cock (or is it?) It made for one hilarious day! I just wish I could post a picture on here!!

  1003. This is so freaking hilarious…I’m laughing hysterically right now. Thank you for sharing this story. I have shared on fb so that all of my friends can enjoy it as much as I did. So, SO funny!

  1004. I loved you rooster (chicken) story. I sold one at a festival in Atlanta recently and my customer sent me your link.

    If you or your friends need another one—or almost any kind of critter, give me a call.

  1005. One of my friends said on Twitter that this was the most hilarious blog ever, and it hurt my feelings because she should know that my blog is the most hilarious blog ever. But you do kind of rule, I’ll grant you that.

  1006. Got sent here from EPBOT … now I can’t stop laughing. My sides HURT I’m laughing so hard. Tears running down my face. My significant other has a chicken towel in his kitchen (his mother’s doing) and now I don’t know how I can walk past it without DYING laughing.

  1007. Someone drew my attention to this again, and I think I laughed even harder reading it the second time. I also skimmed the comments. Hilarious that people are giving you a hard time about the chicken, but not about Victor threatening you over the towels. You tell an awesome story!

  1008. I asked my husband if we could go to IKEA for my birthday the following day and he said “NO” with his arms crossed. So I waited for him to go do the farm chores the next morning and I got dressed and drove the 2 hours to IKEA without him. I only wish I would have read this before I went!!! Let me add that the only thing I got for my birthday was a “Happy Birthday” when he got out of bed. I WANT MY METAL CHICKEN!!!

  1009. Laughed so hard I peed! Love, love, love it. I want at chicken now for my husband!

  1011. Seriously crying I’m laughing so hard. A-I’ve had the damn towel buying discussion… a few times. B-I have a mini metal goat on my front porch guarding the door and flower pots… when he was brought home (AS A GIFT BECAUSE SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT BUYING A GOAT ALL THE TIME). I was scolded for making such a “silly” purchase. So thank you for this. This gift of awesome laughter and understanding the plight of your soul sistas.

  1012. OMFG!!!!!! I have to have me a Beyonce’!!!! My husband would be totally pissed and it would SOOOO be worth it!!!!!!! If you ever decide that he needs a new home…..I’ll take him!

  1016. EPBOT is right, your blog is hysterical. Loved this post.

    It reminds me of my mom and dad. He would have never seen the joy in buying a five foot metal chicken instead of pink towels either.

  1017. Fantastic.

    I’m sorry Beyoncé didn’t elicit the proper response when she rang the bell. My husband would have laughed his ass off. Then again, I sort of suspect he secretly loves the cock.

  1019. OMG!! I have one!! and a little one..and a little pig!! I got a wooden one thats maybe 2 ft tall with working legs for our 15th anniversary..it didnt bring as much excitement to our house until a freind who read your blog saw my metal chicken and she was sooo excited about Beyonce!! Thanks for the funny!

  1020. OMG i LOVE your blog! LMAO! I just drove by a shop with a GIANT metal rooster for sale and I immediately thought about this blog which I really wanted to purchase and put in front of our neighbors’ doors to ‘ring and dash’ LOLOLOLOL! But, sadly, I kept driving…. thank you for keeping my AM coffee drinking hour a laugh!!!

  1021. Oh the Dickens, er, Chicken!
    You could always hand the receipt to your husband and allow him to return the thing to the store (wouldn’t that make another fine anniversary gift?). 😉

  1023. I was visiting Tongue in Cheek and she mentioned your blog. I am so happy she did, I’m hooked here and will be stalking your blog for your stories. Seriously, I have laughed so hard at your chicken story I had tears rolling down my face, and I hardly can make tears without eyedrops. I swear your story sounds like one I could write (if I could write) about my mister and the towels, only its sheets with me. I’m so happy I found you.

    ~Emily
    The French Hutch

  1024. I am laughing so hard that I’ve almost wet myself, fallen out of my chair, and have tears streaming down my face. My kids think I’ve totally lost my mind. Seriously all 4 of them are standing around me RIGHT now looking very confused. “Mommy, why does your boice sound so funny? Why are you waughing? Can you stop waughing now? You’re weally fweaking me out.”

  1025. Life is hard right now and what I’ve missed most is laughter. People send me “funny” cards. At most, I smile, but they’re nothing to coax a laugh from me. You, however, have succeeded in bringing me something I’ve been longing for….out loud laughter. Thank you. I am now a fan.

  1026. I don’t argue when my wife wants to buy towels. I know that’s a battle I will lose. We have two of them hanging in the kitchen. One is the dish towel and one is the hand towel. Heaven help the guy who dried his hand on the dish towel or dries the dish with the hand towel! What does it matter that it is the same hand that washes the dish that must not touch the dish towel. How does a dish towel dry a dish? Must not the hand hold the dish and the dish towel and have them joined, even if ever so briefly, in intimate contact? But in 36 years of Martial Bliss, I have learned… Oh, I have learned, NEVER WIPE YOUR HANDS ON THE DISHTOWEL!

  1028. Thank you for this- it’s been the high-point of my week and I’m sure I’ll be sniggering off and on throughout the evening while I’m making dinner (chicken, of course) while my husband-to-be tries to figure out if this is some sort of side effect of PMS or if I’ve finally went insane…chicken….*sniggers*. See???

  1031. I was hard-pressed not to laugh out loud when reading this post (apparently, random bursts of laughter is frowned upon in cubicle-ville). Thanks for the funniness!

  1033. Hmmm…almost as good as the time I pretended to be my husband’s secretary and called the florist to order $1000 worth of flowers for myself. This was back in the days when Tech was King and we were breaded. Anyways…. He had just been in major asshole mode and I was over it, but didn’t feel like fighting anymore, so……….

    I called the local flower gal and told her that The Mister was in big trouble with the Little Woman and went on to dictate sickeningly sweet apologies for each arrangement, which she dutifully wrote word for word on the cards. The flowers were delivered, I placed them throughout the house—and there were a ton to place– and went about my business. Heinous Hubby came home. I was in the garden. He went inside and came out a few moments later, looked at me like I was a crazy woman and simply asked…”So were good, right?” Right. It was strangely satisfying. We just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. Life is good and he isn’t quite as heinous these days.

  1034. This was too cute. I had to post it. Anyone married for very long has been in this same conversation. But, I like how you took care of it — with panache!

  1036. He should have never gotten so butt hurt about the towels, but at the same time, that’s such a gross waste of money.

  1037. ‘…so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away’

    good idea! lol ?

  1038. You have been married to this man for 15 years?

    Ordering you not to buy towels, ordering you to take that thing away – not my idea of an equal partnership.

  1039. I’m so hooked on your site, and have gotten a few friends hooked as well. The caption under the chicken at the door is friction hilarious! Love ya! Kelli

  1041. Wow, what a bitch. What did Victor do to deserve such a clueless annoyance such as yourself. The man wants you to stop wasting money on shit you don’t need. Is that so hard to understand?

  1043. SO freckin’ funny! Totally rolling on the Happy Anniversary Part. Three thumbs up!

  1044. Oh, the trouble we could get into if we were friends! My daughter in Japan just shared this with me. “It’s NOT towels!” PERFECT!

  1045. “Person with a brain” needs to get a life! I’m REALLY glad I don’t know him/her!!! Your story is hilarious!

  1046. Oh my. That is one of the most hilarious stories I have ever heard. LMAO!!!

  1047. Ohhhhkaayyy….THANK YOU for that tears-rolling-down-my-face laugh!! I haven’t laughed like that for a while. OMG that was so good. “This chicken will cut you” is where I started to lose it….oh geez…still wiping the tears thinking about it.

  1048. Thank you for the laughs, after reading your blog. I decided to go get a metal rooster and pass him along to friends. Each friend has him two weeks and then sends him on his way! Cockster keeps the laughs going! Makes for great stories.

  1049. I actually laughed out loud at this. Too many hilarious lines to pick one favorite.

    But I am so sad for the humorless people who posted angry comments here. What a sorry way to live life. Maybe they need a 5-foot chicken on their doorsteps. Or at least some towels.

  1050. So I just found your blog today and I laughed so much my husband came in to see if I was ok. I actually like Beyonce and think it would at least make a good conversation piece.

  1051. Here in the UK we only have crappy plastic ornaments in our discount shops, even though the Iron Chicken is a cultural icon –

    I wonder if there’s a soup dragon on sale somewhere?

  1053. This is the first time I’ve read your blog. OMG! I can’t stop laughing!
    I will be back,,,,,,,,,,

  1054. Funniest thing I have ever read. Actually tears coming out of my eyes I was laughing so hard!

  1056. Tell Victor that my wife and I have been married almost 25 years and she has NO sense of humor! I’ll trade him one way-too-serious wife for his funny one sight unseen AND take the chicken off his hands! 🙂

  1057. I just laughed so hysterically I cried for ten minutes straight. You just made my week!

    “That chicken has a shiv!”

  1058. I work in a store that sells an inordinate amount of decorative chickens and roosters. Thank you for giving me a new respect for them.

  1062. I once saw a giant plastic tiki head at Target, and I was all “OMG I AM BUYING THIS,” and the SO said that if I bought it, I would be living in our apartment alone, with the plastic tiki head – until he saw it had been marked down and marked down and marked down and marked down SO MUCH it was only $12.97 and suddenly it was THE BEST PLASTIC TIKI HEAD EVER.

    It now sits in the hallway and holds our mail. We call it “the guy”.

  1063. OMG this is brilliant!! I can’t stop laughing!!!

    Thank you so much for sharing such a delightful story!

  1067. Where o where can i get one of these?… I’ve been searching the internet for over an hour and can’t find it.

  1068. Pingback: “You know you’ll have that forever, right?” | laurenlundy

  1069. I found a very similar chicken last year at Homegoods… I got a great pic of my wife posing with it… now she wants one.

  1070. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! After being a little down from having a 2+ hour talk with my GF whose daughter just passed away, I SOOOO NEEDED THIS! Thank YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I laughed until I cried and BTW …Nice Chicken!

  1072. Hysterical… and yes, while it’s not towels, which apparently is a good thing in your household.. it’s also not a chicken. It’s a rooster. 5 foot tall metal rooster. My guy would probably bust a vein and die from an aneurysm then drop dead at the feet of the giant metal rooster, causing me to have to move HIM and the rooster, since calling 911 would be just to weird with a giant rooster on the front porch and a dead guy at it’s feet… hmm.. maybe I DO need a giant rooster. I wonder if that would be considered, premeditated murder or volunteer manslaughter? DEATH BY GIANT ROOSTER <–best headliner on the newspaper in Las Vegas, NV EVAH!

  1074. You are such a crack up! I’ve found you a new group of followers! I want to know if your husband can appreciate this yet…or if it still makes him crazy?

  1075. Nothing like leaving a giant multicolored cock at a man’s front door to piss him off. Brilliant!

  1076. I just wanted to tell you any time I’ve having a bad day. I read this and LAUGH and LAUGH! It is AWESOME!

  1078. That is so great! Lol. Sounds like something I need to do. : ).. Love it, love it, love it. You go girl!

  1081. Woman!! I don’t know who you are, what your blog is about – I read it on the recommendation of my Sister In Law but all I can say is I ADORE YOU!!! That was hands down the most deliciously mischievous piece of hilarity I have read in a long time and you totally made my day! (And also have given me an absurd craving to own an enormous metal chicken!) I am in awe of your …well, BALLS really, LOL!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! Simply divine…

    Stacia

  1082. Just celebrated my 21st wedding anniversary yesterday. When my husband opened the garage door to park after work, he found a metal peacock sitting on top of a pile of new towels on the hood of my car. Underneath was a sign that said, “Honk, Honk Motherfucker! Happy 21st!” He loved it!! Thank you for the inspiration! (Oh, and he arrived with a vase of 21 pink and red roses, so he did good too!) BTW, we named him Peter.

  1083. OMG!!!! I NEED ONE!!!! HAHAHA!!! That is seriously AWESOME!! My sisters and I play pranks on each other all the time (much to our husbands dismay)….wouldn’t a huge metal chicken be just perfect!? I think so!

  1084. I find this whole thing bizarre. Why would anyone care about towels? And how is wasting $100 on a stupid lawn ornament justified because you can’t buy towels?

    The only thing meaningful I can see coming out of this is that Victor is now justified in throwing $100 into the “weekend with hookers” piggybank.

  1086. Wanted to let you know I saw Beyonce’s rich twin sister “Hilton Beyonce” at a consignment store with the price tag of $600….I laughed my ass off when i saw her

  1087. Now, that was a hilarious read! Like the other multitudes, you certainly made me literally LOL. I think the chicken should take up residence in the bathroom and become a towel rack.

  1088. My 2yo just saw the picture as I was reading and yelled “I LUB CHICKENS”!!!! So, clearly a good buy!

  1089. This is a cute story. I love the humorous brainstorm, of creating the… “Let’s do this, It would be funny.” Victor is so laughing about it inside, he has to be, it is funny stuff. For you, I hope that someday Victor can take his – I control everything – guard down, and enjoy the joy and laughter that you bring into this world for others. He is lucky to have you and he knows it. Thanks for the post. It makes me feel so lucky to have a husband that let’s and wants me to have the things that I enjoy. But if my husband would have done what yours did, I so would have put the chicken at the door…I totally get that. Love the story.

  1091. Dude, you are a self important bitch.

    and all these people encouraging you are idiots.

  1092. This has nothing to do with sense of humor or gender. This has to do with stupidity, immaturity, wastefulness, entitlement, and general selfishness. and if victor puts up with crap like that on the regular, then he’s not a guy with a sense of humor, he’s an idiot who can’t tell the good getting fucked from the bad.

  1096. Look, if you really want to piss of your husband, buying a 5-foot-tall chicken rates right up there. But, since fair is fair, your hubs is now allowed to bring home his own Beyonce. And that is chickalicious.

  1097. OMGOSH I forwarded your link to everyone I knew AND put it on FB…too darn funny! I wish I knew you you sound like a FUN person who could help me drive my wonderful husband of almost 30 yrs crazyier than I already to alone. Thanks for the laugh!

  1098. Pingback: Introducing The Adventures of Persephone: Queen of the Cutting Chickens « bmusing

  1099. OMG that is WAY too funny – and I HAVE to send this to my hubby who told me just yesterday: “Yes we can go to xxx. BUT, you CAN”T bring home any more cheese!” I did buy quite a bit of everything else including a bottle of Pigs Ass Porter beer! (AND shhhhh a small thing of string cheese – but that doesn’t count since we ate it in the car – right?)

  1100. This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    I will have dreams of this chicken lurking in all bushes everywhere for the rest of my life.

  1102. I actually had tears of laughter, that was the funniest thing I have ever read. I definitly need a giant chicken. And every other giant metal farm animals that exist.

  1105. It’s been a long time since I have laughed out loud with tears in my eyes. Please, please give Victor my heartfelt thanks for his contribution…..and happy 15th Anniversary!

  1106. This is my first time reading you and I don’t know who I’m more in love with – you or Beyonce. Meet you newest fan. Going back and reading old posts starting…..NOW.

  1107. I’m not sure which I find more hilarious, the blog itself, or all the morons who posted indignant responses. Really??? It’s a humor blog. That *might* mean that exaggeration took place, and *gasp* not to mention that the husband in this case clearly knows his spouse better than any anonymous person who tries to analyze their relationship based on a HUMOROUS blog entry. But you know a 5 foot metal chicken is ALWAYS gonna win. heh.

    (and um, beach towels are CLEARLY not used for daily showering. There IS a difference. duh.)

  1108. You have a new best friend in VA! I am still laughing….

  1109. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have had to come back over and over to read “This chicken will cut you.” I already know what it says. I could just replay it in my head, but that just won’t do. I have to read the words and then laugh out loud…again. That phrase connected with the picture of the oddly stoic yet threatening picture of the 5′ chicken at the door are just the best.

    Knock knock Mother fucker

  1110. God bless you and your chicken, reading it, made me laugh and I so need a good laugh!!

  1111. Found this via a link from a friend’s blog post – FULL. OF. WIN. And awesomeness. And CHICKENS, which is even more awesome. Thank you for making me smile!

  1112. This is awesome! If my gal ever came home with a five foot tall metal chicken I would hug the crap out of it. Victor clearly doesn’t appreciate the impressiveness of that cock.

  1113. OMG!!!!!! I need a chicken like this because I’m married to Victor’s twin!!!! My husband would do exactly the same thing when he saw it–nothing!!! He thinks that we need nothing new because we got wedding and shower gifts—36 years ago!!! I’m saving this post for medication– laughs! My daughter and I were crying!!! Thanks!

  1114. I found your blog via a friends link. OMG, I love it… I laughed so hard I almost peed myself! Clearly Victor has no appreciation for cock 😛

    You have a new reader, thanks for the laughs!

  1115. I just realized this title was a play on the Arrested Development episode. And that’s why you always leave a note…

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

  1118. I LOVE this — does your store sell towels with the pic of the giant metal chicken knocking at the front door? ‘Cause that’d be some awesome irony. 🙂

  1120. Someone shared this with me and I absolutely laughed about this whole notion. Then I thought, being a wedding planner I’ve got to forward this to all the grooms that I work with that say no to a bride’s selections once too often!!

  1121. First, let me say, laugh snorting with a mouth full of Oatmeal and Pears will CERTAINLY wake you up in full. **cough**
    I adore this entire blog. But this post? OMG!!!! Perfection!

  1122. HAHA, this is the best post EVER. I can just imagine this happening between myself and my husband.
    I also appreciate the use of good curse words in a blog post.

    Knock knock motherfucker.

  1124. OMG! i actually starred in a movie alongside a 6 ft metal chicken and you are not shittin’ that chicken will cut a bitch!!

  1125. I may have purchased a 2.5 foot tall peacock and left it on my mom’s doorstep because of this article. They didn’t make them any larger that I could find.

  1126. My girlfriends and I can’t forget this hilarious story! Makes us laugh every day – THANK YOU SO MUCH! So we finally found a Beyonce of our own (at our local HEB, no less) and she/he is now the Goodwill Ambassador of our neighborhood. We have decided to stick with Beyonce (hope you don’t mind), or BRC for short (named after a favorite Houston bar). Wish we could send you a picture!
    PS: Our husbands absolutely FORBID us to buy this big metal chicken….in fact, they said they would destroy it! That made us want Beyonce EVEN MORE! LOL!

  1127. Absolutely brilliant! 14 years ago my “chicken” was a 4 foot wooden statue of a cactus carved with a chainsaw, it has lots of splinters. We still own it, it still resides in the entertainment room directly under the flat screen TV so that my husband has to look at it! I hate to say that he did attempt to forbid me another time. That day I purchased margarita glasses with matching green cactus stems. The fact that I bought only 3 glasses and not 4, that they sit on shelf above the wooden cactus, pisses him off more than anything. To my hubby and others like him: don’t try to play games with a woman who knows how to play them better!

  1128. I need something explaining to me: why have I only just found this blog? This is so fricking hilarious that tears of laughter are running down my face, also because of the air conditioning and my sinus trouble, snot of laughter.

  1129. it just goes to show that its not the size of your cock but what you do with it that counts!!

  1130. I just read your chicken story and first of all THANK YOU!!!! Second, I would LOVEEEE to see how that cheeky chicken look from Victor’s window. Is Beyonce looking in or standing guard 😛

  1131. Hilarious!!! I’ve shared this story with I don’t know how many people. Thank you! You are an amazing writer.

  1132. I guess it would be at least equally amusing were the disrespected husband of this cautionary tale rouse himself to purchase a rubber blow-up woman.

  1134. Okay i live in Laredo and EVERY day i see giant metal chickens and i cannot stop laughing every time i see one. But you did waste money, here you can get a 12 ft one for about $75.

    I went to go buy one and my husband forbade me, but little does he know i am buying a little one to just put on his desk. LOL

  1137. I just had to let you know that your rooster’s name was really well chosen! The (slightly) more famous Beyoncé was born in September 1981, which makes her, according to the Chinese Zodiac, a Rooster who falls under the Metal element– so, a Metal Rooster. Nicely done!

  1138. Also funny: How every male bashing this entry thinks that a woman “wastefully” spending $100 on a metal rooster gives the husband free reign to engage in sex with hookers or celebrities or blow up dolls. ????? WTF?? Guys really ARE that insecure about cocks, I guess! ha! I swear, this just gets funnier every day!

  1140. That was really fun to read. I laughed out loud several times. Thank you for sharing that story. I now have to share it with my friends.

  1141. I have an anniversary coming up and my wife would love one of those chickens. Do you have a link to the artist’s website.

  1142. My Mother sent this to me awhile ago and I have shown/read this to both men and women.
    Mens reaction: What I don’t get it?, or I agree with Victor.
    Womans reaction (after they stop laughing so hard): Where can I find that chicken!?!
    Even my teen girls think it is the funniest thing they have ever read!
    Thanks

  1143. Check out the link… found my own Beyonce while walking around downtown Portland. SWEET!

  1144. Hope you don’t mind…my wife follows you and borrowed a picture for my blog today. If it’s a problem I can take it down…just let me know.

  1146. Oh man, this sounds so like us… except I would’ve waited until he left the house and installed the sculpture in his office. You Go Girl! (29 years and he’s finally learned ‘yes dear’)

  1149. I’m pretty sure I just pulled something laughing…

    I adore you – if you ever tire of Victor please promise to hold auditions for another spouse – I can juggle, maybe you would be impressed?

    Oh wait – gender – ya – maybe a BFF audition instead?

    *snicker*

    M.L.

  1150. Wow. I’m so happy that I’m not the only one who covets giant art poultry that comes into our lives somewhat randomly. I have a 7 foot tall stuffed rooster wearing an apron, chef’s shorts, and a button down shirt (my mom was getting rid of him and I insisted on adopting him. And I still get a kick out of talking about my 7 foot coq.) 🙂 I’ll even show you mine! (I think yours is cooler…. my mom has a pink flamingo made out of a repurposed shovel. Metal poultry- strange but awesome)… Here’s my big stuffed rooster: http://www.flickr.com/photos/clevergirl/2770430069/

  1151. I laughed so hard reading this and I was in need of a good hearty laugh. I found this posting on FB and after I read it thought your life would make a great sitcom! Thanks for the enjoyment!

  1152. Bloggess, you have inspired some serious shenanigans with my co-workers. We are all now Beyonce-obsessed. Or, three of us are. One of these gals was driving to Houston from Austin yesterday and found a place that should be called Beyonceland in Brenham. We may need to make a field trip.

    http://www.kristinesrandomrants.blogspot.com/

    The post about Beyonce is my most recent one.

  1153. I cannot wait until my 15th wedding anniversary so I can buy a Beyonce for my husband! Way to inspire greatness!

  1155. I’ve been fascinated with this for about 24 hours now, working my way from “ursulav”‘s site where someone said “somebody else has a “metal chicken” story that out does yours.” Then the fun blog (I got the “Victor is the straightman” bit) and all (as of now) 3148 replies. Well, more like 3000 since some of them are duplicated or triplicated.
    I agree with the person who said “Make it a print book, you’re the Erma Bombeck of this generation!”
    I wonder if there were any side incidents with getting the chicken home…
    Personally, with no husband to argue with these things about, I happened across a five foot stuffed tiger toy at a thrift shop… which I got home via a combination of walking and bus ride. So glad he didn’t have a shiv!

    All you folks saying you need your own Beyonce or 5 foot chicken? It doesn’t literally have to be a chicken. You can get something equally improbable, and at a thrift store, so you too get an amazing bargain. I do believe that tiger would have retailed at $150-300, and my cost was about $10, if I recall correctly.

    Further, all you folks going “Dude, it’s a rooster!” – Okay, we get it. But you know what’s actually cool about that? Putting the female name on it. Because it balances the thousands of females given the name of “The young PRINCE”; Bambi. Hee hee hee….

  1157. That’s a really stupid name. Really I can’t believe anyone would think that’s a good name for anything. Victor. Pfffff.

  1158. I almost bought a giant chicken once, but it was 7 ft tall and made of concrete. It is at Frazier’s in Hempstead and every time I drive past it, I wonder why I haven’t bought it.

    And then I realize that it is 7 ft tall and made of concrete. Big chickens are only funny as long as you can use them to launch attacks on unsuspecting victims.

  1159. Awesome story!

    That said, when I read about “giant metal chicken” I was prepared to be impressed. However, I was already familiar with this:

  1161. This was awesome. I literally laughed my ass off! Thanks for sharing! I’m forwarding this ASAP! =)

  1163. My husband just called and asked if I was blogging now as my bestie Lori and I have done this exact thing with the same dialogue. We have room for you in our circle of trust for more shennanigans if you would like. The only difference between you and us…we would have bought three and put them in other friends yards because we would have loved getting such a deal and saved 600.00 in the process. Hilarious!

  1164. Just found this through Bob and Sheri, they read the story on the radio. Oh my god, I haven’t laughed that hard over something in ages. This is the story of my relationship right here some days!

  1166. I just discovered your blog via hyperboleandahalf.com and David Thorne’s site, and this post made me laugh so hard I was crying at my desk at work. Thank you for being hilarious, and I look forward to stalking the hell out of the rest of your posts.

  1167. I think the real lesson here is to make sure you do a good job screening your future wife for crazy and passive-aggressive tendencies.

  1168. You’re insane. and you’re driving him insane. I see a divorce in your future.

  1169. OMG I haven’t laughed this hard in a really long time. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and tears are rolling down my cheeks. This is so funny, “the chicken will cut you, and that you thought you had a shiv” OMG I died. And who ever knew that Beyonce was a 5 ft chicken.

  1172. I laughed so hard that tears ran down my leg, OMG I think i just wet my pants

  1173. OMG, that was the best post. EVER. I think I tinkled a little with all the laughing. My husband asked me wtf I was laughing about and made him read this… ‘because this chicken will cut you!’ He was lol’ing like a mental patient.
    I so needed to laugh my ass off today – Thanks for providing the best reason to!

  1174. A friend had this posted on Facebook…I don’t think I have laughed this hard in a long time. Will be my go to thing when I need cheering up. Awesome!

  1175. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    my 11 year old son and I are in tears…thanks for the photos — really tipped the scales into belly laughs…

  1176. I don’t know. I get the impression that your husband is stressed and feels like you two might not be on the same page about finances or something. I know you probably thought this would lighten his mood or something but I think you should take him more seriously because I sense impending relationship problems.

  1177. I just saw one of these giant chickens in my neighbors yard.

    If only it were as easy to move as a pink flamingo…

  1178. I so needed a laugh. You and Beyonce provided it. Thanks.
    (Now I want to go see what crazy crap is in my local Home Goods store.)

  1181. OMG I laughed through this whole post, then hubby came over to see what I was cackling about. He knows I have a deep affinity for metal art, but I never get to buy any. So jealous of your chicken. But at least I have a lot of towels.

  1182. This made me to ponder over the obstinate couples whose marriage still lasted for 15 years. The different taste of life between the couples have interestingly survived so long. By the way, The stubborned people like victor and his wife run their family with bitter taste and satirical love.

  1183. I loved your story. I am celebrating my 27th anniversary and I praise you for your spontaneous humor! Laughter does make a marriage last much longer and I am sure he is laughing about it now!

  1184. I was kind of quietly laughing to myself until I got to “knock-knock mother…..” and that’s when I lost it. Too funny.

  1186. Dang there are a lot of comments here.

    I propose you submit these to NASA or Gallup or something to get a proper analysis of what percentage of your readers sympathize with readers, what percentage are kissing your ass, and how many just make cock jokes. Oh, and how funny they are.

  1187. My wife and I read this post and shared it around with friends on facebook, then at our local summer craft fair we found our own metal chicken (only 3 foot tall.) Happy 15 years 4 years early. We’re still working on a name. Best part was walking around the fair and back to the house with him and all the giant metal cock jokes we were making. Bonus points because at the time my wife was 8.5 months pregnant.

  1188. Ok…I HAVE to have one of these….my last name is Cluckey for Christs sake…how can I go through life with out one….Plus it would piss off my husband something awful and I sooooooo need to do that right now….Loved, loved this blog….have shared it and my friends have cried they have laughed so hard…thank you so much!!!

  1191. Great Blog. I am usually the stupid husband that does shit like yours. I yell at my wife when she blogs about me….

  1192. If i was your husband, the next day you would have found me and my stuff gone. I would have shot the bird, cut the head off, put the body in the pool, the head in bed on your side with a divorce notice attached. The point, deliberately pissing your husband off may be funny, but if your wrong your wrong.

  1193. I’m just amazed people are still leaving comments…and such violent ones…shooting, cutting metal heads, pool burials, etc. That alone clearly proves how wrong you are. About metal chickens. And towels. And yeah. WRONG!

  1194. Oh lord — Mr. Lojo, thanks for making that point clear. However, YOU’RE wrong. Perhaps this will help:
    if you own something (Misogynistic tendencies, mis-directed anger, access to a gun, bullying attitude perhaps), then it is correct to use “your”. But if you ARE something (wrong, a narcissist, a torturer of inanimate objects, easily threatened) then it is appropriate to use YOU’RE. See? So, what you said doesn’t make sense. Your wrongness ensures you’re going to be mocked. Thanks for the laugh.

  1196. OH MY GOD Mr. Lojo, you would SHOOT THE BIRD?

    Sounds slightly obscene to me.

    “Knock knock, mother——.”

    ~EdT.

  1197. If I was your husband, the next day you would have found me and my stuff gone. I would have shot the bird, cut the head off, put the body in the pool, and placed the head in bed, on your side, with a divorce notice attached. The point: deliberately pissing your husband off may be funny, but if you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

    There you are, Mr. Lojo, I fixed that for you. While some sentences were technically correct, the changes I have made here increase your comment’s readability.

    Unrelated comment: I belong to a message board [it’s how I learned of your blog], and someone raised an interesting question I’m hoping you could address. Beyonce is a rooster, not a hen. Is Beyonce a transgendered metal chicken? I’m open minded, I have nothing against a transgendered chicken of any size or composition [in Beyonce’s case, metal], it’s just something I’ve been curious about. These are the things that keep me up at night.

    (Beyonce is a male chicken, but kept his name because it fits…much like Bambi, a deer with a decidedly feminine name who was also a male. But he could be transgendered too. Beyonce is all things to all people. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  1198. Okay, I read this to my teenager (editing out the “fowl” language, of course.) It was one of our best shared laughs in awhile. Now we are singing “If you like it then you better put a WING on it!” Thanks for the great laugh!

  1200. thank you! I had a hard day and this cracked me up. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurts!

  1201. I suspect Mr. Lojo’s wife told him to read the original post and threatened to do the same, in his case spend his entire week’s paycheck on $100 of giant metal chicken rooster. Incensed, he felt the need to choke your chicken, instead of, as usual, his own.

    Mrs. Lojo, run!

  1202. OMGosh…I haven’t laughed this hard in a very, very, very long time! I literally had tears running down my face!!!!! Thank you for your chicken adventures that amused me beyond belief!!!

  1205. I’m impressed that not only are people still reading this, but they’re actually discussing it in message boards without your presence. I’m reading it too but man, people need to get out more.

  1206. Mr. Lojo:

    FYI, the original sentence should read “If I WERE your husband”. The subjunctive tense is indicated here. Think Fiddler on the Roof – “If I were a rich man”.

    Try to do better in the future.

  1209. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life. I laughed for approximately three years: that’s right! I actually was transported to the future to continue laughing at the insanely-wonderfulness of buying a giant chicken when outlawed from towel buying. This is totally something I would do, and promptly be divorced for, so I tried to make my husband read it. He failed to see the humor, of course, so I tried to explain how it was awesome when I wasn’t snorting hysterically with spittle dripping from my lips from my maniacal cackling. He still didn’t get it. And now I am outlawed from buying metal chickens. And towels. Fuck.

  1210. Mr. Lojo, if you were my husband, today you would have found you and you’re stuff gone. I would have shot you the bird, cut off you’re (metaphorical) “head,” and put myself in the divorce lawyer’s office with a copy of this comment thread in my hand. The point: Trolling a blog may be funny, but no woman in her right mind would want to be in you’re bed after this.

    Also, don’t f*ck with the Bloggess. You do realize she’s making money from the t-shirts we’re all buying to make fun of you with, right?

  1211. My mother has a giant wire carousel horse on her porch. She tells us these stories about people stopping to offer her money for her carousel horse, but I have never seen it happen & I am highly doubtful.

    I am now completely terrified that she’s going to see a giant chicken like this & when she dies I will inherit a giant chicken AND a giant carousel horse.

  1213. Sounds to me like Mr. Lojo is threatened by your big cock because his is…well…uh, small.

  1214. So, having already gotten into hot water of my own boiling (I told Greg from TellingDad that his firetruck post was the coolest, while I was sedately reading yours, to which he had linked. Said coolness was immediately trumped by the cumulative accretion of hilarity with which I was consumed as I reached that “Famous Caption”.) I now commend you for having the absolute most hilarious post of the 21st Century.

    This is right up there in the pantheon of funny. Lucille Ball and Tina Fey have to polish your boots on this one!

    Cheers,

    Mitch

  1216. You are a comic genius. “This chicken will cut you” is my new tag line. I will figure out ways to use it, I promise.

    And to all the naysayers:

    It’s obvious that you’re failed, miserable, pathetic little people. EVERYONE (well, everyone in a healthy relationship) picks on their spouse/partner when they’re being unreasonable and/or about stupid shit. When my BF and I moved in together (into MY house) we had a knock-down, drag out fight over whether my AMAZING(ly ugly) office reading lamp would stay, at the expense of a very nice lamp he had. In his defense, only a few of my friends even see the humor in how god-awful ugly my lamp is. Most people can’t believe I have that in my house, and the most common response to my relating how I got it for 5 bucks at a redneck yard sale is “you got ripped off.” I went for a walk to cool off, and then decided that he simply must love my lamp, dammit. Since then, it regularly appears in bed draped in lingerie, perched on the couch when he comes home with me in the pantry making it “talk sexy” to him, etc. He’s even gotten in on the act, once setting up an elaborate scene that made it look like he broke it (he actually went and got some art glass that matched the lamp, broke it, and sprinkled it around), and once leaving me a note about how he was leaving me for the lamp, having finally realized the genius in my artistic vision. Solving fights with humor works. My brother and sister-in-law have a similar banter about “A Christmas Story,” which she hates to the point of going banshee crazy if it comes on TV. Leg lamps, red-rider bb guns, and other tchotchkes are exchanged each Christmas, and Christmas morning’s “alarm” is usually the movie on full-blast. Each of these examples started off as true, but silly, fights where people were legitimately mad. A little levity, folks!

  1217. dude, your husband needs to lighten up. It is so endearing when a loved one threatens to strangle you and also needs to lock himself in his office to hit things. a giant metal chicken would make me do the happy dance!

  1218. I just read this and totally died laughing! My husband now wants a giant chicken named Biance… I wish you lived near me cuz I would totally want to be friends. You sound like a lot of fun! 🙂

  1219. This is only the 10th or 12th time I have come back to read this. Today it was because of the knock knock motherfucker tweet. If that does not make you want to salute the flag on Labor Day, the terrorists have won.

  1220. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for making not only my day, but that of my dear friend who needed a pick-me-up. You have inspired us! Knock knock motherfucker indeed! 🙂

  1221. This is fantastic! A friend told me about your blog today. I love your story. I also have a 5 foot chicken in the front of my store. His name is “Ralph”.
    One of my clients bought him several months ago for $295.00 and said that as soon as he bought a house with a yard, that he would be back for him. Ralph loves sitting in the sun all day and brings joy to everyone that walks by until they try and pet him. He is sharp and rough around the edges. I plan to possibly by him a friend the next time that I go shopping for the store. I promised my customer that Ralph would hang out and wait for him to come back. Ralph also has a friend, Tom the turkey, but he is missing from the yard. I guess that it is a little too close to thanksgiving!

  1224. Today is my 15th wedding ann. My husband and I have been separated for two years now and only recently have begun seeing each other again. I came across your blog last week and thought it was funniest thing ever. I promptly fowarded it to all my friends. I wish I could attach some photos here because my husband not more than an hour ago just ding dong ditched me with one of these lovely 5ft cocks on my door step!!! Not 30 min. later a UPS guy showed up and commented on my lovely Chicken. Not joking!!! I got a picture of him as well. I think from now on 15 years,,,,should officially be BIG METAL CHICKEN!! Hilarious!!!! Thank you!!!!!!

  1225. My wife would have just bought the towels if she really needed them. That’s why I love her – she doesn’t antagonize others for fun.

    Shopping for the home is a responsibility and a chore. It’s not not a right or a recreational activity.

  1226. I am in love with this story and have shared it with everyone. My bff and I are sending texts with “Knock knock, motherfucker” as our greeting! I truly hope the giant rooster gets passed on as a family heirloom. I am at 14 years of marriage and the only thing that keeps us going sometimes is humor! You rock.

  1228. That story brightened up my otherwise shitty day. So thank you! Lol I’m wondering if Victor ever got over it 🙂

  1230. That was the best belly laugh i’ve had in quite a while! And i’m blaming sherry and John from YoungHouseLove for referencing beyonce! I think i’d like to read Victor’s side of the story too – i’m thinking it would be equally hilarious!

  1231. That’s hilarious. Of course if you were my wife that might guarantee there would be no 16th anniver. Funny yes, incredible wasteful and insensitive. And seriously pink beach towels, ridiculous!

  1232. Wow! I cannot believe how much people feel the need to criticize things that they willingly navigated to and read. I think the people who are so concerned about how you spend your money should mind their own damn business and maybe if times are so hard for them that they have to tell their sorrowful tales of woe on every blog they troll should maybe start their money saving campaign by canceling their internet service. I mean, since we are prioritizing other people’s budgets and all, I’d be happy to tell them plenty of places those assholes could save money. For instance, they could start with anyplace I am now, will be in the future or have ever been. Lighten up!

    I am sure that you are not about to lose your house over the money it cost for this giant cock-a-doodle-doo and if this story is not passed down through generations, then your family does this all wrong .I hope to do something interesting enough that some 4 generations hence granddaughter can laugh about.

  1233. What you think is funny is a joke at your husband’s expense. Not only did you do this to him for real, you also wrote about it for all as if it makes it right. Reconsider what you have done and beg for him to accept your apology, then get rid of the the chicken.

  1235. Totally. Freaking. LOVE it!!!

    Totally don’t think I’d have the guts, but I am laughing so hard I’m crying!

  1236. I absolutely almost pee’d my pants. You blog is great! I really feel your towel issue, I call my hubby daddy tight bucks! I almost want to start a towel campaign for you. I’d love to see your hubbies face if we all mailed you towels. lol, sorry I’m kind of a feisty girl myself. Best wishes to you and beyonce and your hubby. PS Hey at Christmas make sure to hang some lights on him, rflmbo sorry……

  1237. This is seriously the funniest damn thing I have ever seen, and if I ever find a giant metal chicken, I will buy him and name him Victor.

  1238. I cannot stop laughing! I had to stop about half way through to wipe the tears from my eyes so I could finish reading. I think you are the coolest woman whose blog I have ever read and I hope to one day have a giant metal chicken to prove a point to my husband of 15 years. Happy Anniversary! 🙂

    -Emily

  1240. Brilliant how stupidity rejects money. It just flies off on sight of useless and stupid objects.

    On your next trip trying to kill your husband with stupid spending induced high blood pressure, please take a good look at office shredders. It is amazing how quick work they do even with sturdy objects like credit cards. Ask for demo, and don’t stop until you are all out of cards.

  1242. So are you in an abusive relationship or something? Seems like your husbands reaction was way bigger than it needed to be…What if he ends up cursing and punching you next time?

  1243. You-are-hilarious. This is my most favorite thing I have ever come across on the internet. No word of a lie. Bookmarking this forever.

  1244. How come I didn’t see post this earlier?
    Like thousands of others I laughed, cried, needed to change panties, and by the time I’d read your replies (“Mom?”) I have ended up deeply in love with you.

    I need to do more things like this, so I can make sure to keep my relationship fun- that is the recipe to make it last towards the giant-metal-chicken anniversary.

  1246. Did I give birth to you? I don’t remember, but I just want you to know you have two sisters I don’t think you’ve ever met. It’s cool that they just found you though. Cool chicken. Where’d you find Victor?

  1247. Did I give birth to you? I don’t remember but you have two sisters, one of whom just discovered and notified me.
    Cool chicken. GREAT price.
    Where’d you find Victor?

  1248. You’re completely inappropriate (almost spelled it “inn” which would indicate you’re appropriate for an INN) and totally should be my friend–but your poor husband. I’m sure he had some idea of what he was getting into fifteen years ago.

    Thanks, new pal, for the belly laughs. Needed that today.

    Hugs,
    Chana K
    wife, mom, author (still tryin’ to get the darn book in my hands to get into yours), Jesus Freak, … and I have a thing for drummers.

  1250. uh…this was so funny and let me tell ya, the “banging my head against the wall” reference to an everyday conversation between you and your husband, is well, my life to a T 😉 happy I was forwarded this blog…funny stuff!

  1252. When you get divorced, I’ll marry you sight unseen. I love towels *and* have a perfect place for a 5′ steel chicken.

  1255. I first thought that said, “It’s full of WHISKEY,” and I wanted to know where to get my own in NC, but then I realized a 5 ft tall chicken holding whiskey would never be marked down to $100, so I re-read.

  1256. Epic. Chicken.

    I don’t know how I missed this post when it went around earlier in the summer, but I swear it took me four tries to finish reading it because I was crying so hard the whole.

    You have some serious comedic timing and some damn big balls to go with that cock.

    LOL Thanks for the laugh!

  1257. He is saving that chicken as evidence when he files for his 2 x 7 1/2 year itch-divorce.

  1259. Truly Sad.. ONLY thing I’ve ever read of yours (found the referral in correspondence B-tween my daughter & ma wifie) This is insane Do you have a job or does your husband allow you to run around wasting HIS money like this..

    Spoiled rich whit people I tell ya …

  1260. I’ve read this about half a dozen times and I still laugh every time. Best. 15th anniversary storie. EVER.

  1262. I just want you to know I laughed through this ENTIRE post. Hard. So hard, in fact, I’m sending the link to all of my friends as well as bookmarking it in my browser to read again later.

    I may even post it on my blog.

    You’re freakin’ hilarious.

  1263. I am absolutely crying right now laughing so hard. Tears running. mascara smeared. Abs sore. Perfection.

  1265. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have not laughed that much in 6 months. I lost my husband, he was only 59 and as you might imagine it has been a terrific struggle to stay afloat.
    And you made me laugh. So much that my stomach hurt.
    I would have done the same thing that you did…Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  1267. This is the best thing I’ve ever read. No exaggeration. Def. the type of crap my friends and I would pull but I would never be able to so eloquently write about it.

  1268. Hi, Bloggess.

    I was sad so my sister found your post and read it to cheer me up. “Stand back! This chicken will cut you!” It worked. But … I’ve watched enough Law and Order to know about attractive nuisances. If someone tries to steal that alluring chicken and the chicken cuts them, are you liable? IOW, is Beyonce an attractive nuisance?

    PS Also you should tweet this to B and Jay-Z. I don’t have twitter or I would.

  1270. I know I am a little late to your Chicken Party. But I got some theme music for you. There is an old Radio Station Series that me and my sister (IJS) would wake up to on our alarm radio, listening to the series opening theme music every morning at 6:00 AM for school….

    You need to download it, go out and buy yourself another little indulgence of a custom door bell. Have the company record this music on the door bell, so that every time someone comes to visit, your husband can get an earful without you ever saying a word again.

    http://www.danoday.com/chickenman/

    You can thank me later!!!

  1271. Blogess … for the first time I have had the pleasure of reading your blog about the chicken. You have made my day … it was a difficult day here and my cousin posted a link to said blog in an aside to her brother mentioning that perhaps they should buy their Mum a chicken … so I posted it and have shared it with my fb friends … so this cascade of laughter you are providing my friends, family and I is making the world a brighter happier place. Thanks so much .. I will subscribe! I think Victor does not realise what an exceptionally wonderful bright intelligent (yes who ELSE would wonder what eyeballs smell like, that takes genius) woman he is married to … looking forward to laughing my way through your life.

  1273. While this was extremely hilarious, if this actually happened in real life, this wife would be quite an asshole. She should be ashamed of herself, if that’s possible for such a selfish person. Keep going like this & your husband will divorce U, & for good reason. If not, he’s going to be a worn doormat for the rest of his life. Where’s the logic? Is this what happens when you get in a fight?- You perform overly obnoxious stunts? That’s not how you solve things, I think you require a whole lot of marriage counseling. Such an irresponsible, mean, illogical, immature, selfish story on the wife’s behalf. Why don’t you put that $100 or so toward something meaningful like animal cruelty, starving children, to buy a quadrilogy of self help common sense books if you’re just going to throw money around like that. I feel sorry for the husband.

  1274. Wow….what you’ve just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent tirade were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this page is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no applause, and may God have mercy on your soul.

  1275. Hey, I have a neat idea! Return that shitty piece of chain store, slave labor-built, faux-outsider art bullshit and donate that $100 to charity. A whimsical charity, full of whimsy, and hungry, uneducated people without access to clean drinking water. Then leave the receipt for your donation on the doormat for Victor to find. It might slightly reduce the likelihood of a painful strangulation death.

  1276. I found this blog through the WTF page of reddit.com. This is truly one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. I sympathize with your husband, but still think your humor is wickedly funny. I hate to admit it, but I’m kind on Beyonce’s side. Let us know how the marriage counselling goes.

  1278. I DESPERATELY need to know where you got the chicken! My mom sees one just like it every time we pass through a little town on the way to our vacation home and jokes about wanting one… I would love to suprise/burden her with a giant metal chicken.

  1282. ^ disregard these redditors, I am the best redditor of them all, and I find your actions to be awesome.

  1283. Must feel really good to be a total jackass with several hundred dollars of someone else’s money.

  1285. That was HILARIOUS!!!! I’m so glad that you have such a wonderful husband who understands you good or bad (that is what the vows say, right?) and a friend who will prank him with you. Truly blessed.

    In honor of Beyonce the chicken, here’s a little Johnny Cash:

  1286. Wow, I wish my wife was as much of a cunt as this woman. Life would be full of surprises.

  1288. Madame, dementedly wasting money is not funny.

    But sadly, your entire gender seems hellbent on making men’s life unpleasant.

  1290. So, I’m sitting here, reading your post, cracking up..my husband asks why I’m laughing.. I show him the photo of Beyonce (who is on his top 10 list btw) and he said “wow, that’s a big cock!” and then I told him the story, with some Jenny-ese thrown in there…and he said “is she your twin?” and walked away. I think he’s Victor’s twin. & I’m not allowed to buy towels either. or curtains. or groceries……

  1291. This is by far the best posting/ story I have ever read. I love it. Welcome to marriage. I have a lot to look forward to! This just made my Monday morning better! Thanks!

  1293. This is the funniest thing ever. I love the “this chicken will cut you” comment – I read it as a prison threat, too! I read a bunch of your other posts and you are hilarious!
    I posted a link to this on my blog – I hope that you don’t mind!

  1294. Men are cranky. GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN. Get over it, guys and your life will be much easier

  1296. Beyonces are popping up all over the swanky suburbs of Chicago -my husband spotted 2-3 on someone’s lawn on the way to work! He saw them TODAY, and I JUST showed him this post TODAY! (Too excited about big metal chickens right now. If we didn’t live in a condo, guess who would be ringin’ the bell TOMORROW, mf! I am still SERIOUSLY considering it considering how shitty some of my neighbors are.)

  1297. I laughed so hard I almost cried. I can’t believe how nasty some of the comments are. O noes you used $100 of your own money for something you wanted! HOW DARE YOU NOT DONATE TO CHARITY!!!

    If Victor hasn’t grown enough of a sense of humor to just shake his head and smile, he has been making fifteen years of mistakes.

  1298. OMG, I am here just to check back on the comments. There’s like a whole fleet of douche-canoes out there, ready to soak you with their vinegary goodness. Fortunately, they’re the disposable kind. 😉

  1300. I assume that the prior 15 years living with a psycho is the only thing preventing divorce…

  1304. I just found this blog today and that story is hilarious!! I would have died laughing trying to pull off your chicken capers.

  1305. Clearly some of your commenters forgot to take their meds the day they posted their comments. Or perhaps they just need more whimsy in their lives?

    Loved the post -you made my week.

  1307. Best 15 year anniversary ever? Maybe for you, but you don’t make it seem like it was for Victor. Sounds pretty self serving to me. From your story it sounds like Victor has some serious bottled up anger, probably from his frustration at you making decisions without consideration or in blatant opposition to his opinions then constantly berating him about him being upset about you doing it. Furthermore, it sounds like Laura encourages you to do things that will cause Victor to be pissed in effect subversively sabotaging your relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the humor of buying a a big, stupid, piece of garbage-art as much as the next guy and have done it myself for laughs, but your story makes your relationship sound pretty sour under its sugar coating.

  1308. I just had to read this again… SO FUNNY! I am a rooster/chicken freak and totally would have bought this. You learn to pick your battles is so right!

  1309. Your front door looks like the entrance to a bad restaurant at a 9-hole golf course. You should move.

  1310. I literally laughed out loud until i had tears. I sent the link to my fiance (we’re getting married in less than 2 weeks) because I thought it was hysterical, something i could see me doing to him. And he quite seriously got angry. He could not see any humor. I can’t wait until our 15th anniversary when i can leave a big metal chicken on our doorstep, and help him see the humor….

  1311. So funny I cried and my belly hurts. For those that can’t see the humor and oh so worried about the waste of money why don’t you turn off your costly internet connections and donate that $ to charity. Even $ badly spent helps the economy don’t u know. Helps keep that store open and staffed. Sorry, I am just the type that doesn’t like people worrying about how I spend my $ because I am the one who has worked my ass off since I was 15 for it, until you are paying her bills stfu already. Stop trolling and go be truly righteous and volunteer somewhere.

    And on the relationship side…at least there is passion in their emotions. A marriage with indifference is a far worse marriage. I suspect Victor loves her for her badass ways or else he would already be gone.

  1312. I’m late night editing and my mind was starting to cramp. So I check out FB and see that a friend posted this link on her wall, I figure… hell, it’s 1:46 am… I could use random internet entertainment. I currently also have a friend crashed on my couch. I didn’t grasp how large this damn chicken was until I saw the photo in front of the door and busted out laughing. I can’t look at the photo and not laugh. Awesome sense of humor. I love it. If we met, the world would implode from mischievous chaos. I definitely woke my friend up who was staring at me like I was insane. Best, MPG.

  1313. Thanks for this I had a blast reading it!!! 🙂 It was super hilarious! Now I wanna have “a Beyoncé” too! :))

  1315. BTW, I am reading this to my hubby tonight. Because he knows it would make me laugh, HE would buy me a giant rooster.

  1319. “He wears a disguise to look like HUMAN guys, but he’s not a man, he’s a Chicken-Boo!”

  1320. I was truly hoping for the fairy tale ending where Victor had the monogrammed bath towels wrapped up for the 15th anniversary surprise…guessed wrong there!!

  1321. OMG Im still laughing. My husband and I celebrated 18 years on 9/11 and that is SO something I would do just to tick him off! Love it!!

  1322. This was hilarious. Thank you so much for the laugh… I had a look at some of your other stuff like the story of the banned bags. I think the photo of the chicken at the door would make a wonderful motivational-style poster with the caption, “Perspective. Now you have it.” Feel free to take the idea if you like it.

  1323. ya’ll are hilarious!! Loved this blog and am forwarding it to all my friends!!!
    Am always looking for a way to piss my hubby off about my purchases!!!!

  1324. Best blog post I have read in a while… Totally made me laugh so hard my tummy hurt! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  1325. I Love this! Your’e my kind of woman! This story kind of reminds of the time I bought a antique hot pink upright Piano, for my girls to play while we were living in the Texas Panhandle, BFE. When the “Dudes” from the 6666 Dude Ranch came to deliver it, my husband blocked the door and refused to let them in, while screaming at me, what in the world is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind! The poor dudes were half in & half out the door. This went on for awhile, they finally just left it in on the porch. So, of course the next day when Husband went to work I had to hire other movers to bring it in & put it in the Dining Room. My daughters loved it!! 🙂

  1326. Ever seen the fundraisers (particularly at churches) where you can pay 5 bucks to flamingo someone’s yard for a day, or 10 to have flamingo insurance? You should rent Beyonce out to your friends for gag gifts for say 10-20 dollars a shot and see how long it takes Beyonce to pay for it self. Then use the profits afterward to buy towells. 😉

  1327. OMFreakin’G…THAT IS SO HILARIOUS. I almost peed my pants. I laughed so hard my husband came over to see what’s going on. I so needed this laugh. My head hurts so bad from laughing so hard. I think it’s going to explode. I can’t stop laughing. GREAT JOB!

  1328. It doesn’t which battle he would have picked to fight, it still would have ended with a 5 foot metal chicken…

  1329. My husband was blown away when he saw a big metal chicken at the Sandy Springs (Ga.) Festival today with a sign on it saying “Beyonce — Pick Your Battles.” Was it the real deal or a poser?

  1331. I just saw this for the first time the day before yesterday. I thought it was hilarious and had to share on Facebook. My husband, for some ridiculous reason, does not understand the humor in this. After reading this, though, what wee the odds that I happen to walk into HEB (through the garden center which I never do) and I nearly run into one of these cocks?!?! Lol. I just about died!!! Thank you for this! I love it!! Haha

  1332. I can’t NOT giggle every time I read this. And alas- no matter where I look- I have not found a beautiful Beyonce for my hubby of 17 years….He would be so crushed if he only knew what he was missing out on!

  1333. I need one. I want one. I have to go and find one today. Laughed til I cried. Now I have 10 minutes to make lunches, get dressed and get my kids in the car for school. Totally worth it.

  1334. . . . . so, forwarded this to the husband and told him to never bitch about my candles again, and he said, “Dude, nice chicken.”

  1335. I hate to be a downer on this topic (all the worse that there may be more than 3000 comments already, which is like 2900 more than necessary)–especially since it was a well written, and generally amusing post–but there are, in fact, a lot of people dying in the Horn of Africa right now from the famine, which is to say if you have $100 to blow, why not give it to the World Food Program. ( http://www.wfp.org )

  1336. There is absolutely no one who would be telling me I could or couldn’t buy whatever I wanted (and luckily I think most people understand that). So with me I probably would have bought the towels I wanted, but I happen to like the chicken at the front door 🙂

    And, as a sidepoint, when I need to buy myself something, spend money on me, that is not the money that will be going to the charity. Charity money comes regularly and they should be happy about it before I decide that maybe that should be more money on me.

  1337. Great post! I am in love with that chicken…and would giggle too every time I looked at her . 🙂 Amy Johnson sent me to your blog and so glad she did….looking forward to reading more!

  1338. THANK you! Perfectly wonderful hilarity! I laughed, saw myself doing something like that, and just enjoyed the writing so much! Even told my youngest daughter so she would remember it when she was married!

  1339. Thank you for a wonderfully hilarious, anti-Leave-It-To-Beaver snapshot of what married life is really like. To you unmarrieds out there – be afraid! Aw, who am I kidding? You can’t legally torture anyone like this after 3rd grade ’cause you’re supposed to be more grown-up than that. Ha! Long live Beyonce.

  1341. OMG that is some funny shit! I could totally use a 5′ chicken to piss Dean off, cause he doesnt want me to buy new towels either. LMAO!!!!
    Thank you so much for actually making me LOL!
    Brandi

  1342. OMG, I read this after a horrible day and then FORCED my hubby to read it too (after an equally bad day) and we’re BOTH hysterically laughing!! It’s a GREAT story/image/movie in our heads but we also think it’s funny because this is DEFINITELY something that would happen at our home! Keep up the wonderful stories; I’m (we’re ?!) hooked!!

  1346. I laughed so hard, tears ran down my leg! I read this at least once a week just for the joy of it! BTW, is Conserned Reader on September 13th your shrink? I think probably not because your shrink must spell better…..

  1347. I have shown this blog to so many in my family I may need to get a new chair for the computer room …thanks

  1349. Did you tell Victor that this was the biggest cock you’d ever seen?? **snicker

    I need me a giant effing chicken, just because I wanna be able to say “bock, bock, muthafuckah” to everyone who sees it

  1350. Cock for the WIN! This makes me wish my husband had not passed away so I could put a giant COCK on the front door and knock. LOL!

  1354. You do realize of course, that your Beautiful Beyonce’ is, in fact, a roster and not a chicken? The devil resides in details….

  1357. My daughter sent me the link to this. She said, “Just what you need–another blog to read. But you have to read this one. It’s hysterical!” She was right! I can’t stop going back and looking at that chicken knocking on the front door with the log on his feet holding him down. Your husband may be mad now but with a sense of humor like yours, you will be happily married for a long time.

  1358. Gotta love this adventure! Loved the part of you and your girlfriend yukking it up and the very serious salesman having such a tough time dealing with you two and Beyonce! As for Victor…a true story to pass on for your lifetime together! Long live humor! Even if he gets it later!

  1359. Oh my, I just came across this post on a sneaky internet break in work and I literally had tears of laughter streaming down my face! If I could get a 5ft chicken where I live this is totally something I would have done also, love, love, love it! Bet hubby wont complain about towels now ;p

  1361. OMG, I stumbled across the link to this, you are hilarious!! We have a similar way of thinking, LOVE IT!!! And I have a major want for that 5 foot coc…I mean, chicken!!

  1362. Where on earth can I find a chicken this big? I was going to leave one on my friend’s porch, but I can’t find one over 2 feet tall (it’s just not funny with a short chicken.)

  1363. Someone posted this on pinterest. When I read it I was cry laughing. Reminds me of me and my friends. I am addicted to your blog now lol.

  1365. that just might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. you are clearly a genius on a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL, & you’re now my new hero. I would like to follow in your footsteps one day. I need a giant chicken.

  1366. Ok, this is like the bazillionth time that I’ve read this blog and it just gets better and better. Some of my friends wanted to know what the hell I was talking about when I was describing your blog, so I put a link to it on my site. Not that you need the new readers, but I’m sure they’ll love it as much as I do! 😀

  1367. I just want you to know – I’ve now passed this on to 11 people and all had the same reaction I did. Tears, streaming down our faces, laughing hysterically. Thank you for making our day!

  1368. speaking of chicken….when young Joe Torre was a catcher in the St.Louis Cardinals farm system, he had trouble blocking home plate when an opposing runner came barreling into him, so his team-mates nicknamed him, “chicken catcher torre”

  1369. A friend of mine posted a link on facebook to your page, and out of curiousity I checked it out. I laughed hysterically! Tears streaming and everything. Thanks for the laugh.

  1370. Yet another linker from a Facebook post. Adored the metal chicken story, particularly your plucky attitude in buying it in the first place! Thanks so much for the laugh!!

  1373. Saw the front door pic on Pinterest, actually started reading the story (which I never do), and couldn’t stop reading or laughing! Hysterical 🙂 Nothing like a metal chicken to bring some joy into your life!

  1376. OMFing Goodness…. I can’t stop laughing. I need a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Somebody get me to Home Goods TONIGHT!!!!!!

    LOVE THIS! Thank you, and tell Victor to ‘Suck it’ it is a Great chicken!! LOL.

    Happy Anniversary!

  1380. love it- thanks for the great story. If nothing else, it was an investment in your great blog post!

  1381. This is absolutely hilarious! Reading it while at work was a BAD idea, my coworkers probably think I’m on something… I tried not to laugh, but it was impossible… do you still have the chicken now, 3 months later?

  1383. I so wish I knew you! I had one friend who reminded me so much of this post! We had some amazing times together, but sadly our husbands had to move us to opposite sides of the US. 🙁

  1384. If humor is life’s elixir, then you are a medicine woman! Another less expensive option to overcoming differences in our household, is distraction. I tell my husband of 20 years how much I love him and follow up with the best smooch possible. “You can be happy or angry…what do you prefer?” Hopefully your guy can match your good humor on better days.

  1385. It would be hilarious if I could get passed spending $100 on a whim like that. What is it like to have that much money?

  1386. Honestly – that was hysterical! My husband is a HUGE fan of picking his own battles….so I read this to him – he and I had a great laugh…thanks!

  1388. As a vegan, I would love to have Beyonce show up at my door! I followed the trail of crumbs here from Young House Love, and I am definitely adding you to my Reader -thanks for the laughs!

  1389. That is seriously the funniest damn thing I have read in a long time. For the record, I don’t even try to regulate what my wife buys. Towels, WTF?

  1392. ZOMG…. this is frakking hilarious!!! And you have now given me the absolute best snappy comeback, the next time my husband bitches about my shoe fetish (and the $200 knee-high flat-heel boots I want to buy NOW!) — “Hey, dear, look at it this way, at least it’s not a giant rusting metal rooster on our front stoop!”

    And you can tell your husband to count his blessings — at least it wasn’t a giant metal cock you left on the front porch! Or, wait, yes you did…. /snicker

  1393. Oh yeah… and a ginormous rusty metal cock for an anniversary present would be the perfect revenge for the giant plush gorilla with a fake rose in its mouth and holding a plushy heart embroidered with “I Love You!” MY HUSBAND gave me for Valentine’s Day the first year we were married. Why?, I asked. Because it’s the Year of the Monkey!, he said. God is it ever ugly! And I still have that hideous thing, sitting right beside my dressing table. I glare at it every morning and know that I am loved!
    (Clue to the nasty bitter boys club — get a sense of humor, dudes. You might just find that it’s an aphrodisiac.)

  1395. OMG I’ve laughed until my stomach hurts. This is incredibly funny. Husband failed to see the humor. I soooo want one. Found the picture on Pinterest. Repinning it.

  1397. After howling over this for months… I just purchased a 3-foot metal chicken WITH THE BLESSING OF MY HUSBAND, The Sergeant Major (SGM).

    You see, there is a group of us autism Warrior Mamas – some of us bloggers – who have survived many long, difficult days on the laughter your post has brought to us. We are very grateful. (I am sure the retailer that just took my $175 is also grateful.) We are spread out throughout the country, so we will essentially be using it in the context of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Chicken.

    Anyways, I am an army wife. I have two beautiful kids, one with autism. I really could have used the chicken when battling for services for my daughter while my husband was battling Taliban in Afghanistan. Those many months taught SGM and me to embrace THE WHIMSY.

    You have so eloquently used the word ‘motherfucker’ to put life into perspective in a way that clearly speaks to people. May we ALL pick our battles with more clarity because of Beyoncé – and you.

    Cheers,
    Rachel

  1398. That is one heck of a story-and I loved every minute of it. I am LOL right now! hysterical-and just like my husband and I-one day he’s like-“Where the heck are all the towels?” Then the next i’m in the store saying “We really NEED bath towels,hon” and then he’s” We are ALL SET with that” and I am” Ya, but you just said “Where are all the towerls” and he says”No ,I didnt !”It could go on and on and get louder and louder but really-is it worth my blood pressure going so High? His is fine!OMG!

  1399. This is the difference between the first anniversary and the 15th. LOL. By 15 you can do shit like this and think it’s funny and know you will still be married afterwords. My husband and I celebrated 16 this year and with every year our senses of humour get more and more dry.

  1400. I have a 7 foot tall suit of armor in my bedroom thanks to that store. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was on the lookout for a new boyfriend, which for some reason Home Goods sounded like a nice place to start. I found this baby, named him Octavius, and brought him home with me. Best 99 bucks I have ever spent. I put him at the top of my stairs to scare the shit out of people when they walk up them.

    http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-ash1/v644/187/76/505756300/n505756300_1787698_8966.jpg

  1402. Just told my hubby that I now expect a Large Metal chicken for our 15th anniversary!! He said to pass along his thanks to Victor!! (insert sarcasm here!!)

  1403. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! I am laughing so hard I’m afraid I’ll wake the baby but it’s worth it, totally worth it to be laughing at something so fantastic as this. Thank you for making my day… just short of midnight too but you’ve saved the whole goddamn disaster. Thank you!

  1404. Hilarious story…..but how bout you tell Victor he’s not your DAD! You are a grown women. He shouldn’t think he can tell you what you should or should not buy. Only you know what you need or want for your home. I think you should just start calling him JACK

  1405. I think Victor doesn’t want to touch that FIVE FOOT cock because he knows that if he messes with it – it.will.CUT.him!

  1408. This was the best laugh I’ve had in a while.
    See. My husband would be the one to cut himself on the chicken as he hurriedly pulled it through the door saying, “I need this in my classroom!”
    Science teacher – what can I say.

  1409. You’re a loony woman. Victor has every right to be pissed at you and your foolish women ways.

  1412. OMG I so need a cockerel like that in my life!!! I love it! My partner would be furious….he he he!

  1413. Oh dear God – that was hilarious … I need one of these!! Thank you!

  1415. I certainly hope that you are great in bed because I am with your hubby on this one. An anniversary gift.
    Maybe he should buy you a new fishing pole or shotgun or power drill for your anniversary present.

    Here is a hint he would not have any trouble with you spending a hundred bucks on frilly lingerie.

    John

  1416. Sir, clearly you know nothing about us. Victor refuses to even let me near the guns in our house, and he almost never wears the frilly lingerie I’ve bought him. No offense, but these are terrible gift suggestions.

  1417. Will you be my new best friend? I’ll gladly get rid of all of the old ones, and also my children, if need be to make room for you.

    I read this on Pinterest and was so very happy to see that the original location is on the Pin.

    Also, I love chickens, too.

  1418. Right after this post became so popular, I found myself at my local Home Goods (nothing out of the ordinary there) and I asked about the giant metal chickens. The manager was like “It’s weird… we used to have 4 or 5 but there was a run on them earlier this week! I have a giant metal iguana I could show you, though!” (Well done, you!)

  1419. I made Beyoncé my wallpaper on my phone. So if I ever see her in a store I know what to buy. I’m fairly confident bringing her to the airport to greet my husband home from his tour in Afghanistan is just what he’d need to get back into the swing of everyday life back home.

  1423. this. was. HYSTERICAL! My husband and I just bought our first house, and I realize that it’s been missing a giant metal cock all these months….thank you for shedding some light on what our decor lacked!

    Guess I’ve got 9 more years to wait before that anniversary though (we’ve been together 8 years, but married 4 next month). Although Hell maybe I’ll spring for it this year and it can spend the next 9 years reminding us to chill out and laugh next time we argue about too many towels. (Can’t say we ever have, but in case we do..want to be prepared, giant metal cock in hand. er…yeah. ) I suppose we’ll have to call it something a little more…appropriate..than “Giant Cock of Hilarity”..since we have 2 (almost 3) kids under the age of 4. Elmo sounds good, right? Neighbor-“Is that a giant cock in your front yard?” “Why, yes! his name is Elmo” “……….”

    thanks for the story, and the reminder to chill the F out.

    knock knock, motherfucker

  1425. I loved,loved,loved this story. enough to print and mail ….YES…for the price of a stamp I’m going to mail it to my dear friend who will laugh till she cries, and then will probably frame it. Have it buried with her when she dies. thanks for the laughs ! D.

  1426. OMG omg omg! I nominate this as the best article ever! I haven’t laughed so much over an article in months! I adore you and wish you could teach me this type of marriage warfare! I could definetely use a lesson, cuz when my husband acts like Victor did, I don my boots and fatigues and settle in for a battle instead of being as smart as you were. I need more of this in my life, keep blogging!

  1427. Now I know what everyone in my family is getting for Christmas this year…BEYONCE! Ho Ho Ho, motherf-ers! 🙂

  1428. I have to say this is the best one I have read yet! I laughed so loud at work I ended up with 5 women reading over my shoulder in my office cracking up with me! My husband says its definetly something I would do and “don’t get any ideas…NO you can NOT have a 5ft metal Chicken!” LMAO!!! Little does he know, I have found one at a flea market, I shall be returning this weekend to purchase him. >:-)

    Priceless!!!

  1431. My co-worker just introduced me to this site…..I just finished laughing so hard that a little bit of snot came out my left ear!
    I have been married for 26 years, and I have a closet full of things I bought just to piss off my husband, but no five foot chickens, DANG IT!! MAN do I wish I had found him. And who doesn’t ALWAYS need more towels?….I would gladly dry off with a hot pink beach towel!

    Love this girl already,
    V

  1432. I’d have bashed the chicken into little metal pieces with a large, blunt object. It’s VERY funny, but I can imagine being as pissed off as Victor. Buying stuff to piss off other people doesn’t make sense to me. Unless you really wanted a 5-foot metal chicken. Then it makes total sense because you’d get what you want anyway.

  1433. Oh dear god the laughing I have done while reading this, after reading this and while I am writing this. Thank you for the chicken. Carry on bok bokking!
    Excellent blog!

  1434. LOL this story is so awesome! I randomly pulled this page up somehow (I honestly don’t remember how I got here). I’m totally sharing this with everyone 😀

  1435. Thanks for this. I don’t have a problem with my girlfriend Anna spending on household items. Rolls are reversed in our case. I love your sense of humor. I recently brought home a mannequin from my father’s estate. It was the first thing I un-packed. I set ‘her’ up in our living room so she might be the first thing viewed upon entering. It took many weeks for Anna to not be startled every time she passed it. The mannequin now lives in the entryway and startles visitors and substitute mail carriers. Anna is now use to her. Keep up the good work.

  1436. Please don’t EVER explain yourself to the nay-sayers…..I could not stop laughing. All. Day. Long. at this…..people at work were like, what the f*** are you so happy about–why are you laughing…what is so damn funny…and I was thinking to myself, bok-BOK, mother-f***ers, don’t ya wish you had my life?

  1438. I thought I dreamed this story…evidently I didn’t. It was on Bob and Sheri and I was hitting the snooze button…is Victor my husband’s long lost brother?

  1440. I very rarely read posts, and I saw this on a friend facebook page. Jenny, you are, indeed THE BLOGGESS!!! Every time I think about the “chicken with the shiv” I cannot stop laughing!! But my heart does go out to Victor; I, too, can be very serious about a lot of things. But he must be doing something right if you are married fifteen years plus.

    For the record, I AM a single Gay man, who is neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia (although I would love to be back in bed, but I digress).

    Jenny, thanks SO MUCH for posting this. I look forward to reading more of your life stories. Oh, by the way, I, too, am more than happy to send a dollar and a towel.

  1441. Classic example of an entitled princess happily spending her husband’s money on pure stupidity. Then you justify your nerve by declaring it an “early anniversary gift” – what crap. You didn’t go to the mall thinking, “gee, what could I get my husband for our anniversary that he would really appreciate”, no, the chicken was about your own distorted sense of entitlement wrapped in a dose of impulse and financial overconfidence. Then…… you call HIM the ASSHOLE???

    My advice to that poor bastard – dump that narcissistic child of a wife as fast as you can. Find yourself a woman of mature mind who earns and saves her own way. And one that respects you and what’s important to you. And for you my lady – get a job. Save for your future. Control your impulses. Honor thy husband. Or leave him.

  1443. Wow.. firstly, I think the giant chicken is fucking AWESOME! Although I would have just bought towels. But secondly, Victor has some serious anger management issues. hitting things? Someone needs to tell him that displays of violence aren’t okay- at least he wasn’t doing it in front of you (which is considered abusive) but he need some anger management therapy- screaming is not a form of communication. Also, I really want a giant chicken now.

  1444. For the record, Beyonce IS a chicken of the male variety known as a rooster or cock. A female chicken is a hen.
    *that is all*

  1445. I’ve wanted a big chicken ever since I read this a few months ago. So imagine my utter amazement when I passed one on my way home from work this past Friday! It was about 3 blocks from my house so I got home ran inside and grabbed my husband who was off that day and made him go with me back to see the chicken.
    I didn’t buy the big one (it was $200) but I did purchase the smaller of the two for my 40th birthday present to myself. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. He’s now holding a pumpkin in honor of Halloween.

    Here are some pics (I hope the links work; if not, I apologize).

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=10150871071830501&set=a.10150585281455501.677638.725950500&type=3&theater

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=10150871070485501&set=a.10150585281455501.677638.725950500&type=3&theater

  1447. I think you’ve missed the point, entirely, that your life has become based on shopping for items even your family does not need. You should consider volunteering your time instead. best wishes.

  1448. I have had arguments like this….the husband always rues the day when they cross us over necessary purchases. I bet Vic wishes he had agreed with the need for towels! Just ask my Moose about toilet paper casts 🙂 Never again will I get complaints about t.p. Issues.

  1449. What you should have done was stuck the new towels you wanted in the chicken, like a trojan horse, and then when your husband brought it into the house you could say “I didn’t bring towels in here, you did!”

  1450. I want one!!! The picture of that was just too funny, and I would love to spring that surprise on a few friends of mine…

  1452. I totally love this, but it is not a chicken…it is a rooster. I hope I know the difference since I raise chickens on our farm! Love this story though…Victor totally deserved it.

  1455. This is the 2nd time I’ve read this story and it cracks me up, still! Love, love, LOVE it! Seems just like something my husband and I would go through!

  1456. I was having the worst day until I read your blog!! OMG…Freakin amazing story…I laughed so hard I thought I might have broken a rib. YOU ROCK!!

  1459. I bought my friend a Beyonce sticker from Zazzle and had it sent to her house. She got it today and laughed her butt off. Thank you!!

  1460. I’m so sad. I had car keys in hand ready to hightail it to Austin and get a 5 foot metal chicken from Ross, or TJ Maxx or wherever the hell you got that thing from. But since you wrote this months ago, I’m sure local readers rushed out to purchase the remaining chickens. Beyonce’ is an excellent name, although I think I’d name my chicken Bon Qui Qui. And she actually would have a shiv…

    Thank you, Bloggess. Whenever I do something maddening ridiculous, I only have to point my husband to your blog and tell him, “See? Things could be so much worse.”

  1461. Hey there — usually I am single-minded and only comment on posts about childbirth, but this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time and I just had to tell you that. Plus I have a friend in California who is a twenty-year chicken gifting-feud with her friend in Connecticut. They send each other tacky things with chickens on them for every holiday and birthday. I love shopping with her because it is so funny, but I don’t think she ever found a 5 ft chicken.

  1462. Girl, I think Vic took off easy. I went out and purchased a $10,000 diamond. Yep, tell Vic he’s one lucky man. Bock, Bock…

  1463. This may be why I’m NOT celebrating 25 years of wedded bliss on the 25th of this month, but instead recently celebrated my one year divorceaversary…I bought too many towels and not enough “art.” Actually, I bought too much of anything, but that’s another story….Glad you can laugh about it and I have shared with all on FB because this made me laugh HARD!!!

  1466. I was told by a few people that this sounded exactly like me and my best friend, so I had to read it…….Yep, something that we would do for sure!!!! Now how am I going to top a 5 foot chicken???????? lol

  1467. First time visiting your blog, a friend shared your link on Facebook. It’s been a while since I laughed at a bloggers tale. Love it. Now I must go find myself a 5ft. metal chicken before Christmas! (I’ll be visiting more often)

  1468. This is the funniest thing i have ever read. It always makes me smile and laugh out loud when i read it. no matter how many times i have read it.

  1469. this is so funny i’m crying from laughing out loud so hard, again! and judging from the date, this 15th anniv. was the same week mine was. too bad i wasn’t there w/you so i could have gotten my own chicken! inspirational. keep it coming!

  1471. I only wish I had the nerve to do something like buy a five foot chicken instead of “sneaking in” more shoes……. when I knew my husband would disapprove if he knew I bought more of anything

  1473. I know this is an old post now, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve googled it just to read it out loud to a friend. Still can’t believe there are people out there who HAVEN’T heard of you yet!

  1474. I just found you guys from Rants From Mommyland and OMG I laughed so hard at this. Thank you, my husband has to work a 15 hour day today, and my 11 month old and 2.5 year old sure did notice. I needed that 🙂

  1476. i’m curious…are you still married? Because while I can appreciate the funny (in a “so-what-if-everyone-except-me-and-my-friend-were-inconvenienced-or-pissed-off” kinda way), the basic message is “fuck you, honey, I’ll always win”. And while every smart man already knows this, we don’t always appreciate being reminded of it. (I’ll assume for sanity’s sake that you’re well-off and could afford $100 just to piss off your husband and teach him a lesson.)

    I hope you put a towel on the chicken when it rains…

  1482. I laughed so hard, I cried! Thanks for helping me start the day with a smile on my face!

  1483. What an absolutely fabulous cock-up! I laughed so much especially at the picture of Beyonce at the front door. You have the best sense of humour and now that I’ve discovered your blog I won’t need to despair at the lack of fresh comedy on late night tv ever again. Thank you.

  1484. OMG – i love you. i just discovered you blog and cant stop reading!!
    HA AH HA HA you said knock knock motherfucker! ha hah a
    still has me rolling

  1485. I don’t know if it is because it is late or what, but I pretty much laughed out loud from the moment I started reading!

  1487. This is a horrible story and completely illustrates how self centered you are. You’re right, you didn’t buy towels but completely missed the point and bought something else… probably more expensive than just towels. You should be ashamed of yourself. You clearly do not respect your man enough to consider his feelings. You only care about what you want. You need to stop acting like a child and grow up… or at least grow some balls and admit that you bought that hideous chicken for yourself instead of trying to pawn it as an anniversary present. Don’t be surprised when he leaves you though… if this is how you’ve treated him for 15 years.

  1488. @ Nah: You obviously need some relativity in your life. You do not know these people and you do not know their way of living.
    You just know that she wrote a blog post you clearly felt offended by. Maybe you should have stopped reading and go search something you like instead of posting misplaced and personal attacking comments.

  1489. Oh my God! I can’t stop laughing. Sooo funny. There is the added fact that my 26 yr old son sent me this, knowing his Dad and my history regarding shopping issues. Cock a doodle Dooooo. PS ignore that bitches message that is b4 mine.Your hubby ( and mine) needs to loosen up. I Seriously want a chicken.

  1490. Add me to the small percentage of females who do not find this post amusing in the slightest. The fact that so many do both verifies what I’ve known for years (I am not the typical female) and yet also makes me wonder how I am so different from the majority that thousands are laughing to the point of tears, and yet the only thing I find even mildly amusing is the image of the rooster at the door. Unfortunately, I have such a complete distaste for the whole story behind it that I can’t even really chuckle at that.
    I’ve been married nearly 17 years, our relationship is full of laughs and good humor (since those who have voiced the lack of comedy in the story have been accused of having no fun in their marriages), but my husband has enough respect for me not to tell me what I can or cannot do, and I have enough respect for him not to intentionally try to piss him off for no other reason than to “teach him a lesson” like he is a child.

    That said, I can appreciate your writing and plan to poke around some more to see if your other posts suit me better. Have a good day.

  1491. Wow, I can’t believe there are people who don’t find this hilarious. It’s been fodder for our Ladies’ Group Facebook discussion thread for days. For those who have taken it seriously – it’s just a big joke about how tangled up we get in stupid stuff in our relationships. And a VERY satisfying way of responding. Clearly you need a big metal chicken on your front door step. “Perspective. Now you have some.”
    And Bloggess… just, wow.

  1493. I love this because now everytime I buy some dumb shit I can just tell my husband, hey, at least it’s not a giant hundred dollar chicken. THANK YOU for the ammo.

  1495. I saw this blog post about 4 months ago and I have to say I think it ridiculous. Your poor husband. First to be stuck with an ignorant wife who would buy cheap pink towels to begin with, second when you got offended that he would ask you to not do so again, and third, because you decided to go ahead and buy this dumb ass chicken as a form of payback. If I was your husband, I’d ask your best friend over for dinner and put ipecac syrup in her food to teach her a lesson for being a nosey busy body who shouldn’t interfere with a marriage. As for you, I would divorce you in a heart beat for wasting more money on something so ridiculous. What is wrong with all of you who believe that THIS was a good idea or all you all just a bunch of bored housewives that think ‘oh, I’m going to stick it to him’. Most likely all of you watch Housewives of ??? too. Your husband expressly asked you not to buy towels again because you apparently aren’t trust worthy enough with money to buy something that worth the money you spent on it. Then, you go and spend more money on something completely dumb as a means to get back at him; this shows that you aren’t about as dumb as the cock on your porch! You ar an idiot. Maybe you should learn how to communicate effectively with your husband first before you belittle the rest of us by thinking posting and doing something like this is a good idea.

  1497. Dont think I loved like this in ages…really need to get one of these gorgeous ‘ Beyonce’ Chickens just for my husband! Thankyou!

  1498. Found your blog via a Pinterest pin. I am your newest follower. I haven’t lauged that hard since my sister did her interpretation of the oldest stripper alive doing a lap dance while she was sneaking a beer out of her purse. Awesome!

  1500. I read this, loved it and forwarded to my friends. Fast forward 2 months – I came home one day to find my own Beyonce on the front porch. Now my friends and I get together, decorate it badly and then leave it on each other’s lawn. Last night we dressed her (we call ours “Mother Clucker”) in some Pilgrim gear – good, good times….

  1501. Victor sounds like kind of a dick.

    After all, you never can have too many towels. Or five foot chickens*.

    Though, admittedly, you can always have too many hot pink beach towels, or hot pink anything. But what the hell, most things are flammable if you know what you’re doing so fuck it — why sweat the pink stuff?

    * Ok, you can have too many five foot metal chickens. But one is not too many. Or, rather, it is too many, but who cares? The world is doomed anyway, might as well stock up on large metal chickens.

  1502. INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF that your husband has a 5 Ft. Cock!!!! All I can say is that I almost laughed so hard that tears ran down my legs. Wholly F*** you are a funny chick! Who likes Rooster? (insert the appropriate word for Rooster if you can’t get it!) Damn girl!!

  1503. One more thing… happily married for 19 years. Would never think to do this sort of thing which is WHY it amused me so much. Isn’t laughter good medicine anyways? Are we all so wrapped around the whole “teach him a lesson” thing to miss out on the absurdity of this? She chose to share. Your choice to share is equally noted. Guess it’s really ALL about perspective. Don’t need to know whether or not they are otherwise happy. My husband says things along the same lines from time to time…never mind the 12 guitars from his recent pawn shop raids. I doesn’t negatively affect our financial status, therefore, let us both be happy. Today, I sold off a huge portion of the surplus of goods & clothes that we’ve amassed over the last 5 years. The rest will be given to benefit others. Give back without taking away from others. That’s my story & I’m sticking to it. peace :o)

  1506. I recognizie that chicken… I found a BuLL at the same place and really really thought I needed it, that or the elephants… they’re good luck – Right?

  1507. The salesman was later heard saying, “She really wanted the cock. She and her friend were all over it. Then they just stood back and watched while I tried to get a grip on it. I mean, this thing is huge! I was wrestling with it for a good 5 minutes on Isle 2.”

  1509. I will be laughing about this for the rest of the day. I collect chickens and I’m pretty sure my collection will not be complete until I have one of those. I bet Victor is wishing for towels now.

  1510. I needed to tell you this story… my sister and i were at home goods, about an hour from her house. that was friday. on saturday night i said, “i really wish i would have bought that metal chicken.” i wanted to send it to my friend crystal who is also a HUGE fan of yours. so we decided to back to the store… another 2-hour round trip, JUST for the chicken. well, it wasn’t there. we scoured the store and could not find it… i was so frustrated… and then i realized that when we saw the other metal animals, i reminded her of beyonce’s story b/c of course i sent her the link, and i realized there was NEVER a metal chicken there at all, we had just talked about it when we saw the other animals. we laughed so hard, swore her son to secrecy, did they “oh here they are!” as we grabbed something off the shelf and pretended that was what we’d been searching for and then slunk out of the store. i swore i was going to write to you about it so here i am. and now, more than ever, i am determined to find myself a metal chicken to send to my friend, complete with “knock knock motherfucker” on the package. thanks for all your hilarity, you regularly make my day!!

  1513. sounds like you need a fucking job to go to every day instead of wasting your time doing stupid insipid shit like buying chickens to piss off your husband

  1514. I laughed SO hard at this! I can see my SIL and I doing something like this. We will be building ourselves a giant chicken! No one we know will ever stay sad for long. Like so many others here, I had no idea how much I needed a giant chicken in my life until now. Thank you so much for sharing your story so that we all may realize the therapeutic benefits of having a giant chicken!

  1515. You made me laugh at here, I always enjoy every time I read your blog. I love that stuff, the “Rooster”, I can’t figured out Victor his reaction face to that stuff. lol!

  1516. You know, I Stumbled this for you and was somewhat surprised to find that this post had been classified as Pornography. Although I suppose when you have a whole post about a five-foot-cock, it’s understandable that the internet might get a bit befuddled.

    Awesomeness!

  1517. So I’m bored out of my mind… not feeling too hot either… and I come across your blog! Laughed so hard I had to pee. Once again, life is good!

  1518. the best part of post #3492: You ar an idiot.

    Oh, anytime I’m having a bad day I come back to read this. Folks at in my quasi-open air office wonder why I’m guffawing from time to time. They also wonder why I put up a beaded curtain in the threshold of my office. It’s because I don’t have a door, so it’s not really an office. Guess what? It is now… I have a beaded curtain/door. Take that, corporate America.

  1519. Oh my. Oh my oh my. I have had SUCH a week, and this blog on someone’s FB wall made me laugh so hard…my girlfriend and I are just like this. Ahhh! Thank you so much for the laugh! I really needed it!

  1520. OH MY GOD! That made my whole month, nit day but month. Excellent lesson in picking your battles. I believe this story should be passed on to younger generations as a cautionary tale of what can happen if you become too concerned with things that don’t really matter.
    Problem is, now I really want a huge metal chicken.

  1522. I totally get it and I HAVE to have one for my wife, I’ve never seen her laugh that hard!
    CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I CAN BUY A FIVE FOOT ROOSTER?
    Otherwise I’ll have to pay a welder to make one for me…… Thanks!

  1523. I’ve been google shop searching (in vain) all evening for a five foot tall metal chicken to buy my mom for Christmas this year. So frustrating! There are all these 31″ and 33″ tall chickens out there, but nary a five foot one! I even clicked on a link titled “GIANT metal chicken yard art”, and THAT one was only 24″!

    My issue is this: My mom is terribly difficult to buy for. This past August, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery. Her last chemo treatment will be on the Friday before Christmas. She’s been sick, lost her hair, lost weight, and has been somewhat depressed. Reasonably so, I think.

    However, every time I re-link this blog on facebook, she comments on it. It makes her laugh. I just KNOW that if I can find a ginormous metal chicken for her to keep on the front steps of her house, an estimated 83% of the ickiness of the past 4 months will be erased.

    I read through a lot of the comments looking for people who might have posted where they found a metal chicken available for purchase. I tried to read through them all, but, really, who has THAT much attention all in one sitting? I tried.

    Anywho, I guess what I’m hoping is that someone, somewhere, has a lead on a metal chicken that is at least 4 feet tall and priced relatively reasonably. This is my mom, and it turns out I actually like her, so I’m probably more open to exceeding budget than for other people’s gifts.

    Any ideas? Suggestions?

  1524. Wow. Why can’t you just admit that you and Vic should just be divorced. That fact is inevitable.

  1525. You really know how to tell a story. The build up had me laughing so hard by the time I got to the picture of the chicken at the front door, I had tears streaming down my face and couldn’t continue reading until I got my giggles under control. Even the dog came over to see what was going on. Hilarious. Superb. Just love the stories.

  1526. You figure to have Beyonce longer than Victor. Anybody you feel entitled to call “asshole” does not figure to be around long.

  1527. So I shared this blog post with EVERYONE that I know and after laughing and crying so many times about it, I got my wish! My boyfriend of nine years was in Houston and purchased a metal rooster for me for my graduation present. We moved into our own place a few weeks after that and so we named him Gallo de Amor. He was in our backyard for some time, and after I cleaned out the flower beds in the front yard I thought it would be a nice place for Gallo to live…. THINKING he would be safe. He guarded our house for a good three weeks until one day HE WAS GONE. Someone stole our beloved rooster and I cannot blame anyone but myself because I wanted to show him off to the neighbors. We drove around looking but we had no luck. I have a picture of him on my facebook and the caption reads “Reward if returned safely”. My boyfriend thinks we need to find an even bigger metal rooster to put in our flower bed and put a sign that says “Bring back my brother!”. I am open to any suggestions you have for rooster napping.

  1530. Best story I’ve ever read in a LONG time! What makes it even more funny is that I can TOTALLY see myself doing something like this! Next time I got to Home Goods or some store like that I’ll have an eagle eye out for a 5′ metal chicken! Maybe Black Friday…?! Love, love, LOVE this story!!! Classic!

  1531. OMG! Thanks for the laugh! I had friends that spit out their morning coffee reading this, and some of us who just seemed insane roaring audibly alone in our homes. Hilarious! Enjoy your cock…errr…metal chicken!

  1532. I don’t know you but I love you and I wish you were my friend and we could hang out….

  1533. Where can I get one? Our agruemnt is over anything I may want to eat (like a small order of french fries) versus what he just has to have (the most expensive thing on the menu) He deserves this chicken

  1534. The fact all you girls think this is hillarious is awsome. Just one thing, dont be suprised in a few months when the divorce papers are served and he’s moved on to a yonger prettier women that cares about him and knows the value of a dollar in a tight economy. But dont worry, you will always know your smarter and more witty than she is. And all he has now is her to look at , cause you got that rock’n cock……. oh wait!….lol

  1535. I as a man would find this funny if you weren’t being such a vindictive bitch about it, if you did this in good humour I would have laughed my ass off, but your write up on the events make you come off as a huge
    Sea You En Tea

  1536. I guess I’m not seeing the humor here. Here your husband tells you to not waste money – so the first thing you go and do is DERP IMA BUY A METAL CHICKEN FOR 100 BUCKS THATLL SHOW HIM. That is so far beyond childish that I cannot even imagine him staying with you.

    Honestly, I hope he divorces you and leaves you the chicken; that way you and your “permanently trapped in high school” friend Laura can have all the slumber parties and talk about your crushes for the rest of your lives without having to deal with icky responsibility.

    Rest assured, I won’t be coming back to this site – though you should rename it the “Heart-felt Lamentations of a Derpy Trophy Wife.”

  1539. I just came across your ‘Random Crap’ by the bloggess…started reading about the big metal chicken…er…a…cock….and all the old wrinkles, folds and what used to be perky all started to rolling side to side in a very old used to be saksy way. Ole Victor needs to take that internal corn cob out of his anal cavity and enjoy your spontaneity and zest. Now I am wondering how long we (your fans) have to wait for a new post? I noticed this one is from June 2011 and it is still entertaining folks. or probably I’m obtuse and you have more recent ones that my eye has missed…….

  1540. ROFLOL!!! Had to share this one on FB with my family and friends….might even work it into a post on my website one of these days….Great Story!!! Love it!!!

  1543. OMGosh! This was soooo funny! I love that Chicken and I would freaking die if I opened my door and saw one standing there! When I read…he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”…I started laughing so hard it was the silent crying laughter! That was sooo funny! This is the best thing I have read in a while! Hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing! Hope Beyonce is doing well!

  1545. I simply cannot heart this enough. I laughed, I cried…I laughed until I cried. Once, I snorted. I was overwhelmed with the desire to find and purchase a 5-foot iron chicken on discount. Kudos, m’dear; you’ve made my day. (And if you KNEW the day I’d had, you’d fully appreciate that qualification.) Keep blogging! The world needs more win like this. XD

  1547. Ok after peeing my pants, wiping my eyes and then peeing my pants again.. I had to say “BRAVO” I am with Julia.. I so want to be your friend (same with you Laura) Thank you so much for sharing your life…my friend posted this on FB and it is cheered me up.. I will forever read this story when my husband starts up with me (or the kids for that matter) I love your chicken…
    Sorry Victor…but the chicken is awesome…you can drop him off at my house any day!!!
    thanks again for the fun.

  1549. Found! Big Metal Rooster!!! Murphy, NC Flea market for $200 or a shorter one for $75. I’m going to take a printed copy of the above blog with address to the seller, as he tells me he has more 😀

    I saw it as I was driving past and, having read this blog months ago, laughed out loud! Just had to go back and get a closer look!

  1550. OMG, that’s funny shit, I love it!!!! I Was married 34 years to a very controlling man. Now happly divorced!! I wish I’d had thre guts to do something like this. Your go girl!!!!!!!!!!!

  1551. I needed the laughter this adventure you had and the excellent blog about it provided! Thank you! And onward to purchase more towels?!

  1552. I stumbled across this blog post and absolutely love it! This is me and my husband every time I go shopping, and your friend is just like my best friend. Now every time we go shopping we are on the hunt for something totally random that there is no way I can get in trouble for!

  1554. wow…unbelievable the lack of a sense of humor on the part of some of the commenters and yes, i need me a 5-foot metal chicken in the worst way!

  1555. That’s funny! I can’t imagine of your husband’s reaction. That big rooster has a great value to your husband sooner or later he will not get pissed that he will love that. LOL. 😀

  1557. You shoulda said

    “dear, it’s a 5ft tall cock. Which is exactly what you are acting like”

  1559. Followed the link from Facebook. This was hilarious and I just had to comment. I wish I could have seen your hubby’s reaction when he opened the door to see that big rooster HAHAHAHAHAHA Although, judging by his response, he might be used to some of the things you do…HAHAHAHA Thanks for sharing and giving me a much needed chuckle. 🙂

  1562. Omgosh I am in bed sick perusing blogs and this made me laugh so hard I honestly think I’m feeling better!!! You are hilarious!!!!! Love love love Beyonce! 😉

  1564. You had me at ” we thought the chicken had a shiv.” Oh my stomach is hurting from the laughing.. Your husband’s reaction is classic, just perfect! But yes, at least it is not towels….. I think I need a 5 foot tall chicken…. indeed I do!

  1566. You totally need to download the chicken dance ringer on his phone and switch it to it while he is in the restroom lol.

  1568. My friend linked to this blog post on her Facebook page and I was immediately intrigued by the “pick your battles” title… I didn’t realize I’d be laughing hysterically while reading it… AT WORK! Oh… Em… Gee! Haven’t laughed that hard in ages… Hilarious! So, so funny!

  1569. This is a gut buster. I laughed so hard. My husband did not see the humor in it, must be a male thing. This would have been something that I would have done in a heartbeat. LOVE IT !!!

  1570. First, your chicken should now be free, because you have likely boosted metal chicken sales at least 400% and should be compensated for your marketing prowess.
    Next, Victor…dude…seriously…have you no sense of humor? More than that, have you no sense of whom you married? Surely you knew this woman before you married her. If my husband said, “Don’t buy towels,” to me, he’d likely end up with a VAN shaped like a chicken, which I bought on sale, which was therefore, unreturnable. (And for which I’d traded in “his” car.) Never, ever, ever, ever tell a creative woman what she “can’t” do, because you’ve just left the door open for the vast land of things that she CAN do that you never thought of.
    Next time try something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t get more towels. If you want more towels, maybe you could return the hot pink ones and get the color you really want?”
    Besides, outlet stores are so cheap. But it’s not really about the towels. I know. I just argued with my husband over eyeliner…I haven’t run across my “metal chicken” yet, but when I do, it’ll be ringing his doorbell, too.

  1571. Yeah childish fucking with someones head most amusing as long as they are buying in to your “funny” If you are being a tosser with money and using a chicken to state your issue with pointless buying of excessive laundry that makes you an arse.
    The chicken by itself is funny, if your partner would definitely get the joke that is still funny.
    If you are fucking with your partners head on money issues and attempting to ridicule or steam role him with a not so funny “to him” joke thats head fuckery and you are the arse
    Sorry if I’m not buying in to “men are so controlling and stupid ha ha ha ”
    But this sort of shit cuts both ways.
    Irresponsible crappy behaviour is what it is , it isn’t a gender issue it is a respect issue.
    Your joke is coming off more as a power play than something he would find funny and if you hate that shit from men why are you doing it?
    Just buy the towels if you really want them.
    His input that you already have a million might be a fair point, I’m not seeing a giant chicken as a grown up answer to you not liking his response.
    If he fails to laugh it might be down to you not him.

  1572. If you think you’ll have a 16th anniversary, I wouldn’t make book on it. This is one of those incidents that leaves men telling another woman, “She just doesn’t understand me.”

  1573. Wow Fran, thanks for adding your insightful, biting commentary to this post that’s seven months old! And it’s so original and necessary, I mean it’s not like Jenny and Victor are still (seven months later, did I mention that) happily married and in love and making shitloads of money off Beyonce.

    Also, my god, you a humorless shitbag.

  1574. My first visit to your blog and I almost pissed myself laughing! I even read it to my husband, and he said “Be sure you buy some towels, the next time you are out.”

  1575. I first read this a few months ago, and when I need a good laugh, I come back and read it. And I HOWL laughing. With tears. And my rib cage hurts. EVERY TIME.

  1576. Thank you for the first tear dripping laugh I have had for months. This is the first post of yours I have ever read, but clearly it will not be the last.

  1577. I just found you and I think I’m in love. You and your metal chicken are awesome!

  1578. Oh my gosh, I needed a good laugh – don’t remember when I ever laughed so hard! Thank you for that! Michelle/Newengland-style.com

  1580. Tears are rolling down my face from laughing that is possibly the funniest thing i’ve ever read.

  1581. Hey, that is a Rooster, not a chicken. I have 45 hens that would love to have that Guy!

  1582. I want to be your friend and go shopping with you.
    My daughter sent me this and knew it was something I would have done.
    I have been laughing so hard – had tears pouring down my face.

    Thanks Laura

  1583. I have 2 questions:
    Where did you get that fabulous chicken?
    And do they have any left?
    I need one!

  1585. Funniest thing I have read in a very long time. I would SO do this. And Beyonce is the perfect name…

  1586. Victor is clueless how lucky he is to have you. I will grin all day thinking about that chicken. On the other hand, you really should see the collection of CRAP my wife drags home! Oh well…

  1589. Today, I posted on facebook and on google plus about the 2′ metal rooster I scored at my company Christmas party. At first it was going to be a gag gift, but it was a long ride home. And I kept looking at him. Now I am in love and I will not be parted from him. I need to name him still. Anyway, the point is, in both locations *someone* linked me to this post on your blog.

    I now have big metal rooster envy….

  1590. Okay, someone needs to grab Victor under the arms, like they’re going to give him a hug, while someone else sneaks up behind him, takes a firm grasp and pulls the stick out of his ass! Honestly, man, you’re likely married to one of the best finds on the planet. Lightened up a little bit and learn to roll with it. Not only is it not TOWELS, it’s not chicken shit, either!

  1591. This afternoon, my director from work hosted a team holiday lunch at her house. Soon after I arrived, I looked out the sliding glass doors into her backyard, and exclaimed, “Beyonce!” Immediately, a teammate (@therhonda) grabbed her camera, knowing that I must have just spotted a giant metal chicken! Please know that you bring joy to us Houstonians even though you abandoned us.

  1592. Please tell me that you have decorated Beyonce for Christmas with a wreath around the neck and twinkling lights! And that may have started out at $300.00, on sale for $100.00 but it is really PRICELESS!!! Thanks for the laughs!

  1593. I am probably laughing the hardest I have in a long time. ‘What out the chicken will cut you…’ Srsly. I’m in tears. Kudos to picking your battles, 5 foot metal chickens, and towels. Besides. Anyone who’s read Douglas Adams KNOWS why you have to have a towel. Or 20.

  1594. OMG! I just came across this today on Pinterest and I am laughing so hard! My 15 year anniversary is Wednesday and we have a babysitter tonight and my lovely husband says he doesn’t want to be out late; wants to be home by 7:30. Can I borrow your BIG METAL CHICKEN, please!?!?!

  1595. Oh stars, I just found your post!!! THANK YOU!!! You have no idea how tickled I was by this!!!!! I am so into pick your battles and would have done the exact same thing!!! Love that there are so many like us in the world!!!

  1597. This seriously made me laugh OUT LOUD!!!
    I can’t stop chuckling about it.
    Thanks for a laugh on a cold Saturday morning!

  1598. WOW! I love it! My husband was ROTFL!! Great writing! Can’t wait for your next Saga!

  1599. I think I’m married to Victor’s twin brother.

    This story was just what I needed to stop myself from spending $1500 (or 950 pounds sterling) to buy an Authentic Lairdship in Scotland, which includes an authentic title, 2000 square feet of land which you actually own, a tree planted on it with a plaque bearing your name, a flexible refrigerator magnet and a bumper sticker. At any price, a big metal chicken is so much better. (what kind of man eats a home made apple pie and says NOTHING–absolutely nothing–about it?)

  1604. I worry about anyone who thinks that you are being wasteful with your money because you spent $100 on something just for fun; something just so you, your husband, your friend, and several thousand of your readers can get a laugh. It’s got to be a LOT of work to chase down everyone who spends $100 or more on entertainment or other non-necessities.

    No wonder they didn’t spend long enough reading your site to find out that you’ve raised thousands of dollars for needy families. No time to waste when you’ve got to get in touch with everyone who spent more than $100 on a television, a stereo, music, games, movies, jewelry, home decorating, kitchen gadgets, hobbies, vacationing, etc. Not to mention everyone who spends $100+ more than necessary on their cars, homes, clothes, computers, furniture, food, etc. Must be exhausting.

  1605. I keep coming back to this, time and time again, because it slays me and I laugh until I cry. This story is just so good and makes my heart sing to know that there are people with my twisted humor in the world. My best friend and I now greet each other with KKMFer as a casual term of affection. I hope you decorated Beyonce for the holidays. Anyone who complains about your story is a humorless twit.

  1607. OMG we so saw a big chicken like that on Monday in an office complex that used to be a grain mill, I collect chickens and so tried to kidnap the cock to take home, my hubby would not let me have it. I so need to do this to
    him!! ha ha, love it!!

  1608. We have actual chickens but they are NO WHERE NEAR AS EXCITING as a five foot tall chicken. I’m envious, madame.

  1609. I don’t know how I found this particular post, but I am so glad I did. I seriously snorted with laughter through the whole thing. Now when my husband tells me I buy too many purses, I can ask if he’d rather I buy a purse or giant chicken. Thank you 🙂

  1610. I can’t stop laughing!! Best. Story.EVER! I want a damn 5 foot metal chicken!! And to think this was all over a “don’t buy anymore towels” argument! Hilarious!!

  1611. Most brilliant thing I’ve read all day. Bet you would love the new print Dan Lacey is sending me. Actually, the chicken would probably dig it the most. Where is the chicken now? I want to make sure it’s safe. But if it’s outside, it may need some towels.

  1613. Love the chicken. My husband knocked over one of my ceramic chickens I bought in Austin a few years back and the one you have would be perfect for a Brooklyn NY apartment. I am a new fan and will be reading your blog. I have misbehaving ovaries as well. Not a fun club to be in but vet manageable with painkillers.

  1614. My equally insane sister in Dublin gave me a Beyonce replica for Christmas today!! F’ING AWESOME!!!

  1616. After months of laughing about your blog….I just received my very own 5 foot metal chicken that my husband (and father in law and son) fabricated…just to make me laugh. It is awesome. And you should have seen Beyonce 2 riding down the highway in the back of a pick up truck.

  1617. Perfect White Elephant gift, although it would be hard to wrap. I guess it could be in a huge box!

  1618. This has just put a hug smile on my face. Bloody men just can’t appreciate the thought that goes into such purchases! I would have loved to have been Victor at the very moment he opened the door to a 5ft chicken, absolutely priceless 🙂

    Thank you so much for sharing!

  1620. hahaha slow clap so yeah i’ll go ahead and say it: You and your sidekick girlfriend are a couple of stupid bitches. Victor should make you sleep outside with the chicken and/or take that $200 out of your ass… but no he’s probably too mature to resort to such petty childish passive-aggressive bs like you did.

  1621. Victor should make you sleep outside with the chicken and/or take that $200 out of your ass… but no he’s probably too mature to resort to such petty childish passive-aggressive bs like you did. You and your sidekick girlfriend are a couple of stupid bitches.

  1622. HAAA> found u on pinterest.. laughed my ass off. U totally need to be my bff!! I would so do something just like that.

  1623. I am totally in for a dollar and a towel. Hell I will even throw in a washcloth too! Best laugh I have had in a while. Now on a hunt for a giant metal chicken.

  1625. This was the best blog post of 2011! We found a 5′ chicken as well and almost bought it, but we had nowhere to put it in our condo…thanks for the laughs!

  1627. Found this on Pinterest and also linked it on FB. Absolutely effing hilarious and totally something I would do. I want to print this and hang it on my wall to read whenever I need a laugh. I also need to purchase the Beyonce cards w/ the caption knock knock motherfucker.

  1628. ur husbands a dick about the towels but the chicken thing was stupid I would have punched him tbh as he never realised what a dick he was

  1630. Oh sweet jesus ducking christ, the addendum to this post is almost as hilarious as the post itself. Oh Bloggess! Can you teach me to be so awesome?

  1631. I read this after having my own little argument with my then-fiance about something small like towels. I still haven’t found anything as horrifically awesome as a 5 foot tall chicken, but my day is coming.

  1632. i just want to thank you for making me laugh!!! i adore your potty mouth filled sense of whit!!! I too LOVE to cuss like a sailor much to my sexyman’s frustration but seriously, sometimes in life YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SET OF TOWELS THAT SAY KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKA!!!!!….its those things that make all the other bs tolerable…..one of my hubbies employees brought a rubber chicken on the company awards trip in jamaica….all their friends would take turns kidnapping it from one ladies cubicle…..while on our trip it had a naughty hook up w/ a seagull and a couple of corona’s, seriously, there are photo’s……please take your metal chicken w/ you on vacay….its so worth it seeing the president of your hubbies company react to the story….and thank you again for sharing your AWESOME perspective on things!!!!!

  1633. For Christmas one of my best friends got me a metal chicken basket named Jay-Z. I was like WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?!? And she was like, oh, in Hobby Lobby, next to the festive drawer knobs.

  1635. And this is why i need more friends that encourage my odd behaviour , i would probably get everyone on my block a metal chicken ….

  1638. Reminds me of the 5 foot metal Knight in Shining Armor I bought about 12 years ago at a Home Goods store. He cut the crap out of me when I tried to stuff him in my car. I named him George but I had no one to yell at me because I bought him. I have him in my bedroom to protect me from burglars. I figured I would hide behind him and when the burglars tried to move him they would cut the crap out of their hands and then I would run away. While reading your story I wished I’d had someone to annoy when I brought George home.

  1642. I cried I was laughing so hard…this is what I would totally do! I’m totally jealous of your chicken!

  1643. you are so damn funny!!! i absoloutely love your story..i have a friend i love doing things like that to..she gets so pissy, which just makes me want to do more!

  1646. in response to Jan, post #1351? “husbands are to be cherished blablablabla” Our children are adults now, and one of my sons could very well have been Victor…and if I didin’t laugh all the time with my husband, we never would have made it past year one to have kids. We will keep messing with each other, making each other crack up, and have fun. Why be married to someone you don’t enjoy the time with? If everything is serious all the time, the quality of life starts to suck quickly, and then what’s the point? LIGHTEN UP – YOU’LL have a better time while breathing

  1648. Finally, the story I was looking for that goes with my first introduction to Beyonce’ the metal chicken!!! I can’t help it…. I love it…. I have a metal chicken but not nearly as cool looking at the Beyonce’ chicken, but it has managed to fill in occasionally. Right, Tracie????? kk mf lol lol 😉

  1650. I see I am late to this party, but what a lovely, funny story to end my Friday afternoon with!

  1654. My friend Lizzie and I are going to replicate our own Beyonce here in Phoenix, she has the oil drums I have the guy to weld it we just need to get the two together. And then we are going to deliver our AZ Beyonce to the doorstep of friends in need when required.

    Thanks for the inspiration! I stare at my Beyonce photo sculpture sitting on my desk and always remember to pick my battles carefully. Right now it is just my boss that I am applying this too, we will see where the new boyfriend fits in LOL.

  1655. I once was like a confused Rooster once, didn’t know witch way to point my pecker.

  1656. I used to be like a confused Rooster, Ididn’t know witch way to point my pecker.

  1657. I bought a 3 foot resin tortoise and spray painted him tye dye. I would love a 5 foot chicken. This was hysterical

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  1665. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. I was literally crying. It MIGHT have a tiny bit to do with that fact that towels are a sore subject here, too. It was January 2000… Not as funny a story as yours, but we are still married and celebrated our 21st anniversary last December.

  1666. This was by far the funniest shit I’ve ever read! I’m crying from laughing so hysterically! Thanks for the humor!

  1668. This was absolutely hilarious!
    Who knew how much fowl humor could be obtained from such a awesome pile of metal!
    Now cherish these, because they will give years and years of laughter 🙂
    ~JA

  1669. I, too, have a Beyonce’! Although my 13 year old named (him) Ronciferd the Rooster. He resides in our backyard and I love him! He was $200 at HomeGoods and when I bought him,all the ladies in line clapped. He was tough to fit into my Audi wagon and he scraped the whole roof, but he was so worth it! My husband didnt say anything — we had just moved in and he was living by, “when mama is happy, everyone is happy” — its the “little” things. xox to Beyonce’!

  1671. I keep googling and rereading this periodically because it makes me laugh EVERY time! Loved the 2012 update, too. That was a bonus today! “enthusiastically pointed chicken” and cheering up sad friends were classic.

  1672. Haven’t you made back the cost of the chicken, like, 600 times now in Beyonce-related merchandise? An excellent investment, in my opinion.

  1673. My roommate, who lives upstairs and down the hall, just knocked on my door and asked “what in the wide wide world of sports is so funny?”. Through my tears, I finally managed to say “Beyonce, the giant metal chicken.”

    I got a look that probably bears a striking resemblance to the one Victor had when he first opened the door, then he told me, a la Sam the American Eagle, that I am “a weirdo”, and closed the door.

    It was perfect 😀

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  1676. yeah–made me laugh a little but I could not help but think that few people could afford such a joke these days.

  1677. I LOVE it!!! My daughter shared this with me because we are always plotting, trying to get a rise out of our husbands. Unfortunately, they are like Victor and we usually don’t get any reaction other than them staring at us like we’ve lost our minds. Which, of course, makes us laugh all the more.

  1678. I stumbled across this at the end of a horribly miserable day. My husband is deployed in Afghanistan, I haven’t heard from him in days and everything was just going wrong, no upside to anything.
    And then there it was. The tale of a giant metal chicken.
    Jenny- thank you. I mean that. Thank you SO much for this story that made me laugh so hard I was literally in tears.

  1681. You are a marketing genius. Seriously. I have to share your blog with my Communications Technology class now.

  1682. What she isn’t telling us…(not verified)
    Victor was worried b/c their credit card debt has been skyrocketing. The bank has threatened to foreclose on their house, and he has had to take a second job out at the local McDonald’s to pay the bills. It has been over 3 years since they have been able to contribute any money towards their retirement and it looks like the kids will have to find a way to pay for college by themselves.
    Victor has been hiding the second job from his wife, because he doesn’t want her to worry. Five minutes before she came home with the giant chicken (really a rooster) a bill collector threatened to repossess their car.

  1683. I am so jealous. There is a small retailer nearby who sells these metal chickens and I LOVE them, but even the like 2-foot tall ones are nearly $200 5 FEET FOR $100?! What a steal! Plus I would so do this to my husband, and you are a genius.

    Gabe, however, is a jackass and not very funny at all.

  1684. thebloggess.com probably just made this “artist” an overnight success. Where can I get my chicken?

  1685. Love this! You & Laura are made for each other. I think Victor sounds like a jerk-ass with no sense of humour. Beyonce kind of reminds me of a ceramic chicken (much smaller) that I bought at a swap meet as a “gag” gift for a co-worker. He was my secret santa and he wrote on his sheet that he wanted “anything” so he got a ceramic chicken. We spent the next 6 months making jokes about touching his cock, writing on his cock, moving his cock… never stops being funny. I forget what he named it but I think it was something like Bob or Stan. There is nothing quite like an insanely horrific (or horrifically insane), & totally useless statue of something unexpected. I’ve currently got my eye on a small version of Michelangelo’s David with no head 🙂

  1687. Priceless. I now have full-on, metal chicken envy, and will be stalking the local Home Goods store as soon as I can justify the purchase of a chicken of my own. Because, I seriously need one. I’m certain my hubby will disagree. Whatever. Btw, I found you via Glennon at Momastery.com. She’s wicked funny JUST LIKE YOU, and she LOVES HER BEYONCE’ 🙂

  1688. I could soooo be your best friend and have LOTS of fun plotting and scheming. This is what my girlfriends and I used to do in college. We had guy friends that we secretly had crushes on that we would do hilarious things to, like your rooster project. Deep inside, I could still do these things to friends I love… If only… I had a big metal rooster. Keep up your sense of humor and I can’t believe your husband didn’t die laughing when he opened that door! He must have the dryest sense of humor—isn’t it hard to relate to that sometimes? Or, is it just fun to get a rise of him? (My Dad loved teasing my Mom like that and when questioned she’d respond with “He always kept it interesting.”) Locally here in Arlington, Texas is a 6 foot tall, $300 Rooster just like that at a local landscaping place that’s made by some guy in Mexico. Also, I’ve seen smaller versions in SanAntonio in the German Village Artisan Shops. OMG! I’m still laughing at your story!!!

  1689. I may also “need” one of these chickens…any idea where I can get one? Surprisingly when I type “giant metal chicken” into google and click on shopping, I get nothing….that’s just sad!

  1690. I think you care about being funny for your blog more than you care about your marriage. This kind of hostility and contempt – and self-congratulation for being hostile and contemptuous – towards your husband hurts your marriage. Be careful you don’t plan your life around being funny for strangers, because some time that may become all you have.

  1691. I’m sorry for my harsh comment. I would never talk that way to a person in real life. It was also cowardly not to leave a real return email so you could lambaste me back.

    As a virtual friend who’s seen a lot, I only want to say please be careful you are being a woman in your marriage and not a child. The person in this post sounds like a hostile child. Also, you have only one life! At the end of it, what do you want to have, and who do you want to be? What if the end is next week, and not several decades from now?

    I thought this sounded like the most terrible anniversary ever, for both of you. And it was scary to me, that so many people seemed to want to imitate treating their spouse this way. Your post encourages them to hurt their spouse, rather than trying to find another way to resolve feeling frustrated and angry, and it also encourages striking out. It could become such a vicious cycle – today you win, he loses… tomorrow he wins, you lose. That is about anger and control, it is not about love.

    I can not imagine that a real friend would encourage this, yet so many people have encouraged you. Be careful of friends of this kind. They will encourage you right down the easy paths of life – the paths that lead away from any real or lasting reward or happiness.

    Deborah

  1692. I just love your blog. You and Beyoncé has inspired me to leave a stuffed pheasant (who I named Ernest) for my mom’s fiance – in his office… with, of course, a card that said “Knock knock motherfucker”. It was a retaliation gift – he gave me that damn bird for Christmas after he found it in the basement rafters! His only response so far has been a slightly evil laugh and “Game on!” so I can only imagine where I’ll find Ernest the Pheasant next!

  1696. SO freaking hilarious!! I loved this story and especially love Beyoncé the Chicken. I’ve bookmarked your blog and think you’re a really great writer. Keep on bringin home the Chicken! 🙂

  1700. So. this is the first bloggess post I read; a friend sent me the link asking why I was calling my husband Victor and why I didn’t tell him I had a blog. (It was especially well-timed since Boy and I had just had a discussion about towels also.) He became increasingly convinced that I was you and as I started reading more, I did too, which was confusing for me.
    The following exchange happened last night when we were on our way out to a 20s themed/speakeasy party, immediately after I insisted on having my picture taken (in full flapper getup and hair and all) doing the ‘blood’ thing with my hands: “hey. am i a thug now baby?”
    “…”
    “i am, right? i am.”
    “no.”
    “i so am.”
    “and don’t do that at the party.”
    (I would put up the picture on fb but I try not to put myself on the internet flashing gang signs)
    The friend who initially sent me here is now refusing to call boy anything but Victor2 and while friend says we need to start a blog, both he and Boy are adamant that you and I are not allowed to hang out. (On a related note, Ferris Mewler would totally get along with A Pimp Named Slickpaw, who is our orange kitty.)

    Also I am thinking of doing something Red Dress themed here for Mental Health Awareness month in May; figured I would pass that along in case anyone else wants to do the same.

  1701. I LOVE this post. I posted the picture and blog today on my FB wall and also on one of my sites….. Citizens of Lake Worth United AGAINST CHICKENS. Beyonce is the ONLY chicken I like.

    Thank you for the laughs Jenny. The towels are priceless.

  1702. Coming home tonight I saw a giant purple chicken. Well rooster. It was about six foot tall and at least three or four foot wide. I think it was made of metal but I did not get any pictures because I saw it from the highway at a store. There was also a giant flamingo. I need to get pictures.

  1703. Sounds like the same welcome I got when I bought my husband two Emu chicks for his birthday.

  1706. You totally made my day. Actually probably the next few months. I cried, rolling on the floor (literally) when I read this. My family looked at me like I was insane. I’ve already come back and read this 2 more times just to laugh. This totally reminded me of something I would do. AHHHH! Thank you!

  1707. I found this story on Pinterest and it made me laugh so hard, I actually cried! It made my week!! Thanks!!!

  1709. This has to be the funniest blog post to date. My husband and I have a relationship like this and we never refer to a rooster as a rooster. We jokingly ALWAYS call it a cock because outside of the USA it is always known as a cock. So I could see myself buying this and doing the same exact thing and thanking him for being such a gigantic “cock” about the towels! I LOVE IT!!!

  1710. Thank you so much for this. I have been begging my boyfriend for a giant metal chicken for MONTHS now. This got printed out and taken to work and given to my boss, and half the women in my department. One friend even gave me a get well card with a picture of Beyonce inside! LOL This year for Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend bought me a mini Beyonce he found at Ross. I was more squee than you can imagine, cause Blue Ivy(since it’s a little Beyonce, get it? LOL) is totally going to work with me tomorrow.

  1711. Last night’s conversation with a guy I’m seeing:
    Me: Have you heard of The Bloggess?
    Him: Is she the one… something about a big metal chicken?
    Me: BEYONCE IS THE BEST!
    Him: I was laughing… but mostly I could see myself as the pissed-off guy.
    Me: omg, you’re Victor and I’m Jenny….

    Well done, you’re the new Ross and Rachel.

  1712. I have to have one of those, but a duck instead of a chicken. My neighbor hates ducks. I don’t know why, but I would love to put it right in my front yard next to her mailbox.

  1713. You make my daughter laugh her butt off so you’re alright with me. The chicken is hilarious and we both can’t stop laughing. MY husband has a great sense of humor and would wet his pants to find Mr. Rooster on our front porch but my daughter’s husband is a little more straight-laced so he would probably be like your husband. I will follow your blog since I think you are a little whacky and I admire that in a person. Anyone can be boring. You are not! Linda

  1715. OMG…I haven’t laughed out loud in forever! That was hysterical! I am currently seeking my own 5′ ANYTHING just so I can do that to my husband and see what happens! Thank you for making Monday more bearable!

  1716. I have been divorced for about 3 years now. I never thought I wanted to get married again until I read this blog post. Now I know I want to remarry just so I can buy a 5 ft chicken!

  1717. Can’t believe you only “shelled” out that small amount for soooo much fun !!!!!!
    And it was only a “yolk”

  1719. Daa-mn girl, I don’t know whether to put Saint Victor’s name forward for one of those humanitarian awards … or insist you give pre-marital classes to perspective brides on ‘how to win disputes in the marriage through fair means or fowl’!

    ‘… stand back “because this chicken will cut you“ … and that’s why you don’t bring a chicken to a gun-fight – LMAO!!

  1720. You are a bitch! Plan and simple. You should be glad that Victor is still with you after spending $100 on a worthless piece of shit! In this economy who can really afford such a thing? That $100 you wasted could have went to something more practical and worthwhile… but no…you just wanted to shit on your man’s day like a bitch often does.

    BTW fuck you!

  1723. I was introduced to your blog via this post, after a friend overheard another friend and me talking/interacting and decided we sounded *exactly* like this. And he was right. He still is right. Anyway, I wanted to find this post to comment that the other night, my husband and I were making chicken. I’d frozen the chicken breasts since we hadn’t used them right away, and he had pulled them out of the freezer and run them under hot water to fast-defrost them. He managed to un-freeze them enough to get the packaging off, but the breasts were still frozen together. I told him to run them under hot water some more, but instead he kept pulling at them…and pulling…until a piece of chicken broke off, and some of the ice slid under his nail, cutting him. I, of course, burst out laughing and said, “THIS CHICKEN WILL CUT YOU!” Fortunately, he was more amused than cross.

    Thank you for bringing more levity into our lives!

  1724. When first reading this blog many months ago, I forwarded it to many friends and family so they too could laugh hysterically because this stunt and humor is typical of my family. My sister and I both said, “I want the bloggess and Laura to be MY new best friends!”. My birthday was Saturday and I was delighted to receive a knock knock mug, a small chicken stand-up, and a people I want to kill (with kindness) notebook box as a gift from my sister. Our mother just passed away after a horrible battle with Cancer at only 60. We’ve found that laughter is the best medicine for dealing with grief. Thanks so much for proving products that allow me to have a reason to laugh out loud every day when I look at my chickens. In the mean time, I’m still on a quest to find my own 5 foot chicken. I plan on placing it facing the crazy neighbors who feel the need to visually stalk me 24/7 from across the street! ; )

  1726. I could NOT stop laughing!!!!!!! This is by far THE most amazing story I have EVER read. I NEED to be your friend!!!!!! Awesome awesome awesome, just fucking awesome! Thank you for making my horribly bad week into awesome! There’s that word again.

  1727. I’m printing this out. I read it in Ladies Home Journal at my son’s Orthodontist office this week. I was laughing out loud while everyone else sat there quiet. When my son was finished with his appointment, I made him stand there and wait until I finished it..laughing out loud and I didn’t even care. When I left, I left the magazine open to that article and I said “If anyone needs a good laugh, READ THIS!”.. now I just searched for it on the web and am printing it out to take on a sister trip next week. My sisters and I will drink wine and read funny things to each other, and THIS is my Ace! I’ll WIN the laugh contest!

    thanks!

  1728. It is extremely telling that, of the male commenters, so many go off on a tantrum about women, marriage, and their obvious hatred thereof. Not only have they missed the point entirely, they appear to be poorly educated, misogynistic boors who can’t spell, use profanity to “prove” their manhood, have no sense of humor, and are un-evolved misfits and throwbacks to the 19th century! Clearly these Neanderthals (No offense to Neanderthals intended!) should stay away from women entirely, sit around and count “their” money, and take themselves completely out of the gene pool! Really, do us all a favor and don’t reproduce!! And stay the hell away from me!

  1730. This is awesome! My husband now wants towels embroidered with “Knock Knock Motherfucker” We also got married on July 4th. And for our 15th Christmas, I bought him 3ft tall metal cock! Unlike Victor, my husband loves it.

  1733. I read this isn the March issue of Ladies Home Journal and laughed all the way through it. I bought a wind chime and hung it up and my husband didn’t like where I put it and he had me rearrange the whole back yard until that wind chime ended up in the far corner where I couldn’t even see it. I put everything back and returned the wind chime. I’m plotting my revenge and what’s great is he knows it. He’s going to come home and find something that will take his breath away. Stupid men! Worried about a few towels or a windchime. Foolish! Um, um, um!!

  1734. You must give amazing head for a man to put up with your shit. The second you stop putting out, watch for you and that chicken to be kicked to the curb.

  1736. Hmmmmmm, How to get revenge with a Husband that will not stop having phone sex. Anyone have any really good ideas. It’s getting expensive.

  1739. OMG! This post is priceless. I was laughing so hard as I read this post. BTW … I have your rooster’s cousin in my backyard!! We fondly refer to him as “Fred” 🙂 He comes from a long lineage of metal roosters from down South in Waxahachie, Texas. I know he’d be really surprised to find out one of his kin has become so famous! I’m your newest follower!!!

    Carolyn
    {my simple messterpiece}

  1741. You are tooooo funny! You have a new fan!! I would buy one of these chickens in a heartbeat! Loved “this chicken will cut you” the best. Somehow conjured up a picture of West Side Story.

  1742. This happened today, and I can’t find a way to contact you directly, so I’m posting it in the most appropriate place I can think of. I sent this email to my coworker Salli:

    Sometimes a chain of events occurs with such randomness and power that we must all be convinced of the ultimate truth of the “butterfly effect.” What happened after Friday Lunch today was one such moment.

    Salli, if Jennifer Lawson hadn’t written a blog about a 5′ tall metal chicken, and Brian Fish hadn’t sent me a link to said blog, and Dustin hadn’t taped a Beyonce paper doll to my monitor on Tuesday, and it hadn’t been Team 3’s turn for Friday lunch, and they hadn’t chosen to get food from Costco (including frozen Greek yogurt bars), and Dustin hadn’t suggested using the yogurt bar sticks as handles for our Beyonce puppets, and I hadn’t gone into your work station to “Beyonce-bomb” Judy…

    …YOUR ORCHID WOULD BE DEAD.

    The poor little plant was drowning because it’s non-draining container was filled up with water. We inevitably lost 3 lower leaves, but I think we caught it in time, and the prognosis is hopeful, but still touch-and-go.

    You should probably write a thank-you note to Lawson.

    Sincerely,
    Carrie

  1743. So I recently was banned from being friends with my best friend of 15years because her bitch girlfriend decided I had low morals because supposedly I once invited her to dinner at my house and then promptly uninvited her… which is incredibly stupid and I am not that fucked up. Anyhow, I read this blog to my boyfriend this evening and thats when it struck me that I need to find a Beyonce of New Mexico so I can leave it on this bitch girlfriend’s porch because who can hate you for leaving a giant metal chicken on their porch? Anyway I recently discovered your blog and am addicted! Love you!!!!!

  1744. I’m watching wife swap right now and I swear i just saw a metal chicken that looks just like Beyonce. I was just like “I need to tell the bloggess”.

  1745. Just saw this on pinterest….I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. OMG, that is hysterical!

  1746. Completely the most awesome anniversary of ANYTHING!

    I’ve planned for … well over 10 years to buy a giant cast-iron rooster. I am looking for land at the moment and that is still on my top-10 things to roll into the cost.

  1747. My sister sent me this link and thus introduced me to your site (which I am forever in her debt for doing so). Can’t wait for your new book. I loved this post because this is something that I would have loved to do to my husband (who, from the sounds of it, is somehow mentally in sync with Victor). I read him this post and said how I NEEDED to buy him a $100 metal chicken named Beyonce.

    His response: “You’ve bought more ridiculous things for $100 than a 5 foot tall metal chicken named Beyonce.”

    This made me do a mental checklist of all the things that i’ve bought over the years, because I only WISH I had bought something as crazy as a 5-foot-tall chicken named Beyonce for $100. I think he has given me more credit than I deserve. I only aspire to such awesomeness. I think my mission now is to prove him right. Wish me luck.

  1748. In the spirit of the Giant Chicken Beyónce, I think someone needs to make some giant metal Easter eggs!!!

  1751. omg, who are you, can i meet you?…i’m crying, i’m laughing so hard. thank you. so much.

  1752. OMG……you are HILARIOUS! I can’t believe I just read the Giant Metal Chicken story. “knock knock motherfucker” – you bust me up girl!

  1753. I have read this story about a million times and every time it reminds me of me and my best friend Liz. Since originally reading it I have tried to get a chicken, but alas the chicken is elusive and tricky… I have not found one! And then… I found a big metal chicken painting, and a small chicken for my table (we call her Whitney in keeping with the diva names) and also found a bedazzled chicken! Now my entire kitchen is in the style of Beyonce and it’s the most wonderful thing in the world! Thank you for your insanely wonderful story.

  1754. You have just made my day! And to make it more funny- I was laughing/crying so hard while my husband was trying to work he got mad and told me to leave the room- and if I really needed to finish reading your post I could read it on his phone… in the basement! Thanks so much!

  1755. I am hysterically. A few weeks ago, while my mother and I are antique shopping, she is asking for advice on how to deal with her boyfriends mother. Quickly let me explain, my mother has been dating this man for 8yrs, so my sister and I refer to him as Dad, his mother as Grandma. *story continues* Grandma is very rude to Mom, in an effort to run mom off. Mom is a huge pacifist, with a super kind heart. I felt extremely terrible for my mom. As my mother reaches her emotional breaking point, I spy this wonderful, enormous, gift of a chicken…. Yes the same chicken as in your photos. According to my mom a sinister grin cut across my face. She followed me, in hopes to figure out what has us walking speechless across the store. The power of this wonderful chicken, had me in its grasp. Oh how badly I wanted to buy and ship this amazing gift, to Grandma in PA. It would be rude of her to get rid of a present from the grand-kids…Mom of course doesn’t want to “pick a fight”. So hopefully, after she reads your blog she will agree, Grandma started the fight, I am simply settling it once and for all. ^_^ Beyonce to the rescue!

  1758. Sent here by, “People I Want to Punch in the Throat” – clearly, this story is awesome – otherwise, it wouldn’t have 3000+ comments and still be passed around almost a year later – I think I’ll post it on my husband’s FB page and then go get some new towels. THANKS!

  1759. Oh My Word!!!! I just got directed here from GardenWeb. This is totally something I would have done. (I am
    divorced now…but don’t let that discourage you!)
    I just sent your link to my BFF. We’d have wet ourselves laughing in the store.
    I am definitely going to be checking out the rest of your blog!!!

    In my family we have an ugly rabbit, much smaller in scale, that travels like the gnome and appears on friends/family’s porches etc.

  1761. Your chicken (rooster) story has been making the rounds of my friends and family, and LUCKY ME, my cousins bought me my own rooster, aptly named, Victor!!!!! You and your husband could be me and mine!!! He, my husband, had approximately the same reaction when he arrived!!! WTF??? I have grown terribly fond of Victor and want to thank you for sharing!!!

  1762. Bloggest
    My life is almost exactly like yours exactly…but I am probably as old as your oldest shoes! I was in most of the places you lived! Yep, I lived in the oil patch. My daddy (bless his old heart) is in a hole in the ground inMerkel. And he was a dirt contractor. & a pilot in Midland/Odessa (not the one in Russia) :).he didn’t bury himself or that would be über pc!
    My mom Bless her dead bones was meaner than a rattlesnake. and I live in Little Elm (wherthehellisthat) But my newcular family lived in Midland I already told you where that is. Spellcheck hates me when I dont do the right words which used to be less often. My husband is a former editor & that is a total bummer. For me, he loves it. Because I love to have my phone calls critiqued While I’m on the phone! Yes,I have considered murder,however,I have a lawyer daughter who’s married to a now dead lawyer I said now because it would be uberPc if she’d be into necrophilia for gamed shake. Now I’m pissed off at spellcheck cause I said gawd sakes and it actually had the gall to automata toy (there it goes.again.for Pete’s sake) which some people don’t realize that’s St Peter) oh yeah, my first husband whom I didn’t murder for Pete’s sake for obvious reasons. He was a Jp who in tx is sorta like a coroner but not exactly & knew all law enforcers & so did I . He however (forgot the answer to that) it’ll come to me later or not. Oh there it’s …my …there’s where my cheese slipped off the cracker and my four grown daughters roll their eyes. Not at the same time because the coven rarely congregate en dongle…sheyet..that’s not spellcheck that’s me except the dubgle part I said, Double . sheyet I give up. no you caint quote me unless I run it past my Lawyer Daughter) whose shit list I have been on most of her life.
    Your twin from another mother but born decades apart, Barbie (nope, the original one was even younger than me)my daddy called me that forever at least until he died

    Ps whythehelldidntiwritethat?ur blogg that is other than the fact blogs didn’t exist when I was ur age?

    Sent from my iPad

  1763. OMG!!! I discovered your blog & this post a few days ago. And I love it.

    I go to get my hair done today and there lay a People magazine with Beyonce on the cover! I could only see the chicken in my mind!!!

  1765. I first read about Beyonce last August right before going to Orcas Island, WA. While driving through East Sound, what to my wandering eyes did appear but a giant 5ft metal chicken just like Beyonce! What luck! Of course I had to have my picture taken with Beyonce 2! I laughed till I cried over this blog—probably because I could totally see myself and my friend out shopping and having the same conversation as you and Laura.

    PS No, I didn’t buy Beyonce 2 because it couldn’t get past airport security.

  1766. Every time I’m having a shitty day, I visit this post.

    Laugh until I cry.

    Then pick my sorry ass up and go again.

    Thank you.

  1767. Thank you for bringing laughter into my life and helping me to forget Nathan Fillion covered in twine for a moment. Such a wonderful, freeing, horrific moment. Now back to my regularly scheduled obsessing.

  1769. I was sent here by someone who said this was the most popular and hysterical post. I do not see the humor. I don’t see the humor in calling your husband names, but to each his own. I REALLY do not see the humor in doing something so ridiculous and frivilous just to *stick it* to someone because they didn’t think you needed to buy towels.

    Apparently my life is too simple since my husband and I actually respect each other…

  1770. To “Not Very Impressed”: I think you need to read the article again. He did not “think” she didn’t need new towels, he forbad it, saying: “You are not allowed to bring any more Goddammed towels.” (I believe that is a close paraphrase.) Clearly this woman is bringing money into the marriage and if she can find a way to get her point over to him, make a kazillion dollars doing it, and be funny as hell at the same time, she gets my vote for “wife of the year.” Perhaps I need to be more specific about the aforementioned point: he doesn’t get to dictate to her what she buys. It’s a partnership, not a dictatorship. I’m all for respect, but that works both ways.

  1771. If I had one, I would caption it “WWMD”. I’m constantly have to pull the “I told you so” out of my pocket. A while back, I changed things up and said “this is one of those moments” meaning here comes an I told you so. Instead, I will be like an Angel on his shoulder (keychain) at all times, saying “WWMD”, perhaps reminding him not to make stupid decisions.

  1772. Yes, I just about DIED laughing. I’m welcome, yes I know. Just wanted to tell you that I came to this post via the interview you did with CTV.ca. Which is hilarious too! Glad you are you 😀 http://ow.ly/b32JF

  1773. Just laughed very out loud in my office when my cousin sent me the link to this blog. I LIKE your style!!! Thank you for the guffaw!

  1775. Read this again today, still really darn funny. Posted it for all my friends on facebook the first time I read it, everyone laughed so hard. Now it’s getting pinned to pinterest. It’s a classic, I hope it’s posted here forever.

  1776. In the Chinese zodiac, my my seven year old is a metal chicken! Not sure how I missed your blog until now. Super fun! I love shit like this, the pranks I mean. Great job!

  1777. Had my hubby read this yesterday. He asked me after where he is supposed to get a giant chicken, as our 15th anniversary is next month! And yes, I collect chickens. Already have 4 small sheet metal type chickens… hahaha!!!

  1778. I’ve bookmarked this post so I can read it whenever I need a good pick-me-up.

    It’s funny that after a year, you’re still generating comments on this. Good move on your part including it in your book, which was a delightful read, by the way.

  1779. Best blog post ever. I occasionally come back to read it all over again. I still laugh my ass off.

  1780. This is completely something my best friend and I would do….and her husband would NOT appreciate it. And that would make us laugh even harder! LOVE IT!

  1781. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. I just read this for the first time and will read it again many times I’m sure.

  1782. I just made my husband read this and he misread “full of whimsy” as “full of whiskey” and he was all like, of course you would buy it!

  1783. Best post ever! I look forward to reading through the rest of your gems. Your husband reminds me of a funny quote “Shopping with my husband is like hunting with a game warden” lol

  1784. My life is seriously better for reading this story! 😀 LOVE IT!!!

  1786. Beyonce is wonderful! And superb revenge! But … I don’t understand why
    you would even tolerate an asshole like Victor. Ordering you around?
    Having hissy fits? I toss that jerk out on his ass in a nanosecond, but
    keep Beyonce. She’s way cool.

  1787. Priceless! Makes me realize I miss having a significant other to curse at and annoy 🙂 I will have to come back to your blog for a daily laugh! Thanks so much for sharing your gifted humor!

  1788. I read part of this in a magazine at my doctor’s office. I thought it was so funny that I looked up the blog when I got home. I was so disappointed by the language – completely ruined it.

  1789. This post made my day. Absolutely the funniest thing I have read in so long. My husband and I have been fighting over a series of ridiculous things but I show him this post. Love the update at the end 🙂

  1790. I’m in the middle of a nasty divorce, and got a metal chicken for a housewarming gift, because it makes such a great protector… And I lurve her, despite that thing on her head that makes people claim she’s a rooster, they just don’t know what they’re talking about. I have named her Perspective, and when the stbx picks up the kids, she makes me laugh, because when he steps up on the porch, he has to face her, and I know she’ll cut him if he gets stupid… Waiting for the day…

    And I suck, because the gift giver, when I was guessing what he’d bought me for a gift, he said, “It’s not towels…” And I MISSED the reference. But then, when your atty tells you to move in one day while the stbx is at work, you really don’t have a lot of time to be thinking of small details, it’s pretty much panic, so I think Perspective will forgive me. Plus, she lives next to a concrete Budda from the .99 Cent Store, because I’m Klassy like that, so I’m sure that’ll help.

  1793. I saw an ad for Pier 1 Imports that featured this gentleman and I immediately though that Beyonce NEEDS a friend!! I would buy it for you but I’m broke, + I don’t know where you live. So, without futher ado, here he is (i believe his name should be Tiago. He just seems so Brazilian to me) : http://www.pier1.com/Catalog/SeasonsHolidays/tabid/975/CategoryId/92/ProductId/36875/ProductName/Tropical-Bird/language/en-US/Default.aspx
    and their cousin, Beatrice: http://www.pier1.com/Catalog/SeasonsHolidays/tabid/975/CategoryId/92/ProductId/36876/ProductName/Curly-Pink-Flamingo/language/en-US/Default.aspx

  1795. I finished reading your book last night, the “and that’s why you should learn to pick your battles” was the best chapter EVER….I laughed so hard that I actually got a cramp in my side…of course, my hubby thinks I am retarded…we have only been married for 31-years, i don’t know why he did not know this before, but oh well…My sister told me about your book, she has it on her E-Reader and said I could borrow it, I read the intro to the book and told her I couldn’t wait and went right out to get it. If anyone is having a bad day they should totally read, and then re-read this book, because it is TOTALLY AWESOME. Just saying.

  1796. oh my goodness, that’s great! my mom had purchased a statue in memory of my dog that passed away & then some other lawn type ornament. my husband (boyfriend at the time) asked what was up with my mom & lawn decorations to me. sooo, one day as i happened to be at walgreens, lawn decorations were like 90% off. i lined the entire walkway to our house & told him it was from my mom. he, being the very nice guy he is, tried to act like he liked it. i thought it was hilarious. now, everyone gets us lawn ornaments & our home looks like a 90 year old woman’s house that loves gnomes. (& we have a flying pig quite similar to beyonce!) love your blog!

  1797. Love the idiots who call Victor an asshole and don’t like your language. Um, yeah. Victor’s awesome, it’s called a *relationship* and sometimes it isn’t all Disney, and, um, have you MET the rest of the world? Sometimes we say fuck. Fucking deal with it.

  1798. this still cracks me up a year later… and guess what I got for my birthday this year? That’s right… a rusted metal rooster! I laugh every time I look at it, thanks to you!

  1799. I crap you negative, I saw Beyonce in MN this past weekend !! I was at a place called The General Store of Minnetonka (it’s a suburb of Minneapolis) and I walked in the door… and there she was, in miniature form (ok, about 2′ tall, so not exactly small, but *smaller* than B). I totally geeked out, but of course none of my family got the joke. Naturally, my cell phone’s camera crapped out, or else I’d send you a picture. If it’s still there in five weeks when I’m there again for another visit, I’ll get you a picture for sure.

  1800. Every now and then I need a good laugh, the kind that will surely make me actually wet my pants in a few years. But for now, I laugh so hard water streams down my face, my ribs hurt and I am fortunate enough to still hold on and not wet my pants. Every person needs a good read like that, I am so glad that I have added your chicken story to my “collection” THANK YOU!

  1801. You’re as silly as me. You can join my page anytime for more outrageousness.

  1802. Brilliant! A friend of mine did an extended one of these with traffic cones which wound up with what amounted to a town meeting. Well done!

  1803. Wow, I feel a little spoiled right now, which never happens. My husband, who doesn’t speak much — not so much because he doesn’t have anything to say, but more because between me and our 2 daughters, he just doesn’t get many opportunities to get a word in edgewise, was with me when I spotted our first 2-ft chicken and he was totally okay with it, as long I called it a rooster. Then, one of my best friends asked if anyone wanted her giant 5-ft chicken since she’s leaving to Germany for 3 yrs and I fell out of my chair while jumping up to say “ME!” Again, my husband didn’t say much and went to pick up the “rooster” for me a few days later. So now we have 2 chickens, umm “roosters” in our front yard! They make me smile every time I drive up the driveway. Now I just have to give the big rooster a fresh coat of bright paint so he can be seen from a block away. I haven’t named them, yet.

  1804. My mom just got her own giant metal chicken. Or rooster rather, we’ve decided he’s male. He has no name yet, but she loves him and I’m so proud of her.

  1805. I hope singer Beyoncé has read this article. I’d be really honored if that Motherclucker had my namesake.

  1806. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. I love chickens, especially “fancy” ones. My husband won’t let me get any live ones, so I get fake decorative ones. I even have an angry looking one roosting on my front porch. I would love to find one like yours for my yard. Maybe then he’ll let me have some live “fancy” chickens.

  1807. I still can’t stop laughing, just discovered totally by accident and am in awe.totally buying book and going to attend the aug 7 in Toronto. hope you don’t mind, but I posted your link to my facebook.

  1808. Jesus, you’re such a borderline/narcissistic, attention getting asshole, and I hate your blog. Someone recommended it to me because they thought I might like it, but this, right here, is the behaviour of a total fucking asshole.

  1810. I read this every now and again and it never fails to make me laugh. Although I have to admit I have a touch more sympathy for Victor since reading your book! 🙂

  1812. I hope you read this…since I know this is an old post and shit. So, I’m in Calgary, Alberta – after attending a week long Herpetology Conference (I’ll leave you to google that because the looks I get from most people is fucking priceless) – anyway, I’m visiting one of my favourite girlfriends eves. We’re drinking double espresso vodka (shits *the shit* btw) and we’re talking about random stuff as intoxicated friends often do at 2am and I mention Beyonce EXCEPT SHE’S NEVER HEARD OF BEYONCE THE CHICKEN. And so I immediately rectify this fucking sitch by going directly to your blog and reading it to her. We were almost on the floor laughing, wiping away our tears, and trying not to shoot double espresso vodka out our noses. AND THEN WE SAW THIS: (so I’m totally fucking hoping you haven’t been sent this eleventy million times already, but I almost wet myself at the thought of an ACTUAL ROOSTER WITH A SHIV!!!) http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41466543/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/t/armed-rooster-kills-calif-man/#.UDHuq6PsbyI

    PS – you are lovely! xo Heather

  1813. this is greatness. i haven’t laughed this hard in a long time … can so see sister and me in store … explaining to manager the clerk seemed to be having trouble handling his big cock … yes, i do have cock envy now

  1814. OMG!! This is EXACTLY what I needed today! Brilliant! I may have to look for a giant chicken now. I was laughing so hard I wsa crying and my boss snuck up behind me and said “Nice chicken. I need one of those for the ranch” which made me laugh even harder. THANK YOU!!!!!

  1815. Your blog is definitely not reading material while in the middle of class. On the other hand, now about 45 law students know about your blog. Awesome.

  1816. A lot of times we fight and get upset about things but were really upset about something else. I thought it was funny that you guys were fighting about towels when really probably something else was on both of your minds. p.s I so would of brought the enormous chicken just for the laugh. I like strange humor.

  1818. My wife and I are celebrating 15 years this October. I just ordered a 5’4″ metal chicken for her. It will undoubtedly be the best present ever.

    Bok Bok MF

  1819. I’m trying to understand the relationship between the story and the title. So, I see that you’re learning to pick your battles. I guess the lesson learned here was: don’t work so hard, spend all that money and go through all the troubles you underwent to try to upset someone who is chilling out at home; but to take that money you spent and treat yourself (a day at a SPA perhaps).

  1820. I have loved this story since you first posted it. I am still looking for the right chicken for my husband. I am sure it is out there somewhere.

  1821. OMG! I nearly peed my pants reading this:D That is hysterical, but if I wondered for a minute there if you would make it to 16 years! I don’t think I would have:P LOL!

  1822. It has been a long time since I found a blog I wholeheartedly wanted to follow but this had me cracking up for a long time even after I finished reading it because all I could envision in my brain was a giant metal chicken staring at me in my window. He had to appreciate the humor and just couldn’t bring himself to admit it 😉

  1823. I wish I knew how to upload a photo to you. Suffice it to say that “Beyonce” and this particular blog posting has been a long-running joke amongst a group of very funny, honest and awesome women here in Springfield. I mean seriously, Jenny — halfway through the President’s amazing acceptance speech at the DNC the other night my girlfriend texted me: “Did you HEAR that?? I do believe our President just said ‘Knock Knock Motherfucka!'”

    At any rate, for my 40th my sister bought me a metal chicken — Beyonce’s smaller brother. As yet unnamed, but the Springfield GAW (if you ask, I’ll tell) is working towards something that encompasses his awesomeness. Meanwhile, I’m sure he’ll make the rounds with the sign I’m having made that reads, “Perspective. Now you have it.”

    I follow you on FB so if you look for my name (there can’t be many of us) you’ll be able to see a pic.

    Love your work.

  1824. This is my first time to read a blogg. Recently 2 seperate customers came in on the same day to purchase the 5ft chickens and both of them wanted them because of your story!!! Personally I love them!!! We also have flying pigs! lmao they are hecka cute.

  1825. Kewl, this is my first time to read a blogg! Recently 2 customers came in on the same day and purchased the 5 foot Roosters. Both of them had read your blogg! One of them was kind enough to write down the info so I could see your blogg.

    By the way we also have flying pigs!!!

  1826. I’ve read this 3 times over the past year (that sounds creepy) and it is just as hilarious each time. My favorite is that he is “enthusiastically pointy.”
    Also, I had my husband read it, and he then proceeded to tell me that I am not allowed to bring home a giant metal chicken.

  1827. I’m not interested in a travel size one. If you ever are sick of the big Beyonce, mail it to me. Love the story. My wife is nearly as sadistic as you are. I love her, though.

  1828. Just had my 20th anniversary. I gave my wife 3 metal chickens. What can I say, I missed the 15th. and they were small so there had to be multiples.

  1829. Oh god, I laughed so hard I had a coughing fit! I love this! Paint some big ole rocks yellow and put them around him for feed to add to the confusion!

  1831. LMAO, I think you just made up this story just to get a FB page on a giant metal chicken! Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? Great story and I’m going to like you on FB

  1832. I just peed my pants!!! One of the best blog entries I’ve ever read. I have to pass this on to my mom. She’ll howl!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing!!!!!

    “15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.” omg that is the funniest line ever!!!!

  1833. OMG I laughed so hard I cried and startled the dog. He didn’t know if I was hurt or what. Makes me want a 5′ chicken.

    Love it and needed the laugh.

  1836. omg! i just read this post and i couldnt stop giggling to myself. i just sent the link to my husband to warn him to let me buy more towels when i want to 🙂

  1837. A friend forwarded this with “this reminds me of you” and I thought “oh great, another stupid blog.” I haven’t laughed so hard I cried in a while…until now. Thanks for sharing your hysterical story!

  1842. My wife loved to impuslively buy things. That’s why after a quarter century of wasteful spending, not saving money, not avoiding unncessary expenses, not paying down our mortgage, and refinancing (twice) as a means of making ends meet, we are being forclosed upon. Enjoy your chicken, enjoy your youth, enjoy your lack of frugality. And when the time comes, ask not for whom the bell tolls.

  1844. This is the best thing the internet has ever given me, and I am not even hyperboling right now.

  1847. For me this ties for #1 laugh out loud, mucus slinging story on a blog (so far). Look up The Plaid Scottie and search for her story about what happened in Hancock fabrics. Years ago my sons and I lost it in a hardware store over “butt hinges” printed on the end of a box. Your chicken story is great! Well worth the $100 you had to give for that big chicken.

  1848. For some reason this reminds me of the old BBC series, “Fawlty Towers.” The intro of each episode had an exterior shot of the hotel with its sign out front, and each time the letters on the sign were cleverly rearranged. My favorite was “Farty Towels.”

  1850. So this weekend was my sister and soon to be brother-in-laws engagement party, what the hell do you get the couple that already has everything? A giant metal chicken! Not only is it an amazing addition of lawn ornament the story actually had some meaning to it. The people in line at HEB though I was crazy when I told the cashier I needed to buy the big chicken out front (yes our grocery store sells giant chickens, or at least one for that matter). Anyway getting “Paco” into my car with just the help of an 80yr old man was quite a spectical itself. We got him in even though my poor SUV took a beating. When we arrived at the party and had Paco ring the doorbell, my sister nearly fell over with laughter, and this was before she even read the story. Moral of the story, giant metal chickens also make great anniversary gifts! Even though he’s still stuck in my car as we speak.

  1851. This is awesome. BECAUSE, we were just in Arkansas and at a craft/junk/antique store. My husband has a long standing joke about “chicckkkens” and occasionally I buy him one. At this store, I saw a giant metal chicken marked down to only $160. Our anniversary was the very next day and I wanted to buy it for him!! He refused with only the comment “it won’t fit in the back of the truck”. Well, I couldn’t carry and load it by myself but when I was told about your blog, I laughed out loud and had to respond. PS I think the idea of passing it around is awesome (you ‘think’ your day is bad, well hello 5 foot chicken into your life….) love it!! Glad Brian shared this with me. and Happy Marriage!

  1854. I stumbled into this on Pinterest. I actually choked when I saw it and cried while laughing when I read the story. I thought I was nuts but you take the cake. Kuddos to you. I bow to your excellence!! You are my new idol.

  1856. I am not sure how I even ran across this blog but it’s fucking awesome! The chicken story is hilarious!

  1857. That’s the best story I’ve ever read. I’m going to go reapply my eyeliner now. God bless you and Beyonce.

  1859. I just wanted you to know that I went to a pumpkin patch with some friends and my son and there at that patch was a giant metal chicken. Of course, because I had seen Beyonce, I knew that I must have my picture taken wit h the chicken, because one does not find a giant metal chicken every single day. This won’t let me attach a picture, but I wanted you to know that you have inspired chicken pictures in the future, should I find others. Challenge accepted.

  1863. I laughed the whole time I read this and then read it out loud to my husband, again laughing the whole time. I told him I swear this is something me and my friend, Linda, would do and he said, “Yep.”

    Hilarious! Thanks for making my night.

  1864. OMG!!! How Hilarious!!! I laughed so hard I actually fell off my rolling chair on to the tile floor – OUCH!!! OK, I live in TX and want to be your BSB (Best Shopping Buddy) for life! So, my 30th is coming up soon – so I guess that means 2 – 5 foot tall chickens – or more correctly a cock & a hen…Where did you get Beyonce?
    Great! You go girl!

    P.S. I did get my hubby 50 pink flamingos in our front yard for his 50th birthday! The look on his face…..:0)

  1865. OMG, some of you are so fucking stupid. Do you know how much money she has MADE on this post?! Hell, I bought her book based on this post alone, and it was freaking awesome. Believe me, that was probably the best $100 she ever spent. Keep on keeping on, Jenny. You’re funny as shit.

  1867. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself. My Man was laughing so hard his face turned bright read. I had to share with my readers. Thank you for giving us the best laugh of the week!!

  1868. I first read this about a year ago and nearly wet myself laughing then and every now and then when I had had a really shitty day I come back and read it again. Still as funy as it was the first time. I so pleased to hear Beyonce is still in situ.

    Love it. Thank you for the laugh. The Knock Knock towels are a nice touch.

  1870. Seeing as how the diamond industry has infiltrated and ruined the anniversary gift list, will you please propose an alternate anniversary gift list? If 15 years is big metal chickens (asshole), what is appropriate for years 1-14 and after?

  1871. FUNNY story! This could have so easily happened at our house only it would have been my husband who came home with the rooster! Hence some of the crazy “bargains” stationed around our house!

  1872. This just seems bratty to me. You couldn’t buy what you wanted so instead of being an adult and trying to talk about it you acted out. For everyone that will respond to this with “Well Victor was having a tantrum and being a child too”, that may be so, but what good are two immature people in a tense situation?

  1873. I plan to show this to my husband every time he tells me I don’t need to buy something as a reminder that I could be buying something worse.

  1874. OMG!!!!! This has got to be the funniest blog post I have ever read. I actually read the entire thing. Way too funny! I am hysterical laughing right now and I just had to write that. Thank you so much for sharing this. I practically can’t breathe!!!!

  1876. OH, my god! This might possibly be my most favorite thing I’ve ever read! I LOVE you! (and I’m ordering a travel sized chicken!)

  1877. This is a pretty funny post. I am going to have to show this to my wife as she will think its is funny as well. We are big time chicken folks and even created the site http://kernschickenfarm.com to help people raise backyard chickens. Might have to surprise my wife with one of those chickens you have in your picture!

  1878. I have to tell you, I read this post about Beyonce the big metal chicken last week and I am still laughing about it. That night I was even laughing in my sleep. Since then I have told everyone I know, and even strangers to check out your blog. I hope you don’t mind, but I put a link to your blog on my blog. I’m not sure if that is good blog ettiquette, so please tell me if you’d like it removed and I will remove it asap. If you make me, I will probably cry because you are my new idol, but I’ll get over it. I’ve been writing shit for years, but just started my blog last week. Thanks for cracking me up.

  1879. I laughed at this story so hard I woke up my sleeping toddler. This is totally something I wanna pull off and you lady, are hilarious.

  1880. This post is almost two years old and it (you) still have people cracking up! You and Victor seem to have it all together; I mean, how many couples can withstand this kind of hilarity in their marriage! When I first saw Beyonce’ (sorry, forgot how to make the accent mark, and it’s 1:15 in the morning so there’s not much chance of me figuring it out now!) my first chuckle occurred. By the time I finished reading your story, and learned that not only did you put her (him) in the backyard, but by happenchance she ended up right outside Victor’s window, it was all over for quiet in the house! I was laughing out loud and, if I were not already comfy in my big cozy recliner sitting cross-legged and covered in blankets, I would have been rolling on the floor! The comments by many of your followers were equally as hilarious! I look forward to reading more of your posts. Particularly the next one because it looks like you plan to not deliver!

  1881. BTW, I am planning to share this post with my friends on my Facebook page. Hope this is ok with you and Victor!

  1882. I am laughing hysterically!!!! I LOVE it!! My husband freaked out because I wanted more tuna last week… and because I like the “expensive” $3 tuna!! bwahahahaha I really want to get a giant 5ft chicken now!!! hahahaha

    At least you made the rest of the world giggle!!

    Michelle
    The 3AM Teacher
    Visit My FB Page

  1883. I have this post bookmarked. Whenever I need a laugh, the story of the giant metal chicken does the trick. Thanks for the laughs.

  1885. My neighbor across the street has three of these in descending sizes on top of his roof. I’m still not sure what to think.

  1886. haha that is a funny story.it is amazing how popular a 5 ft cock can be cause everyone tried to poach mine when it was given to me. in honor of your story and your husband i am going to name him victor.it will remind me to let the wife buy whatever she wants cause you might not like what she brings home instead.i hope victor learned this hard lesson.hahaha too funny!

  1887. I am shocked you are still married to that jerk! Who tells his wife that she can’t buy towels and then go punches things in his office when his wife buys this funny thing? Sounds like an abusive SOB.

  1889. hahaha! How have I lived my whole life without this blog?! I am sitting here at work, minding my own business, pretending to get crap done, when my friend emails me a link to this article. And now I’m laughing out loud and I can’t wait to read everything you’ve ever written!

  1890. OMG! I love this post. I’ve been angling for new dishes for around a year now, and I endlessly have to hear about the dishes we already have. You know, from our wedding 18 years, 3 houses and 3 kids ago. This is it. I’m buying absurd art.

  1891. Ignore the @ssholes with NO sense of humor,WHATSOEVER! Your response to your husband was witty and creative, and did absolutely NO harm to anyone!
    To those that said your husband should leave you.. F’ them and their white horses! If you had the *small* amount of money to spend, then why not do something fun that will last a good long time??!
    Good for you! And btw.. Victor was probably just jealous that the rooster’s “cock” was bigger than his!

  1892. Okay, so friends come over today & wanna know why Beyonce is in my backyard. Dunno!?!? Whose Beyonce? So, got the scoop. Read the blog. And thought you might should we are probably best friends who never met. I’ve had my rooster for about 2 years also, and he came from HEB.

  1893. My sister sent me this. FUNNIEST STORY EVER!!!! This is so true to life for us two shopping together, best laush I’ve had in a long time!!!!

  1895. I just read this for the first time, and was laughing so hard, one of my cats came over to see what was wrong. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  1899. This is the funniest blog post I have ever read!!! I am sat here almost weeing my self. Just read it to my husband who like Victor was not impressed! LOL

    Natasha @ Serenity You

  1902. it sounds like your cry baby husband could use an attitude check……I would’ve kicked him out long ago.

  1903. EVERY time I read this, at minimum four times a year, I laugh. I hope Beyonce’s post-move “surgery” is going well. xoxo

  1904. Almost 2 years later this is still the post that keeps on giving. I end up rereading it several times per year for giggles. Only 8 more years until my own “Big Metal Chicken” anniversary. Looking forward to it. (And the dissenters’ comments remain entertainingly infuriating, of course.)

  1906. So I have a crazy (I’m serious – she has issues) friend who actually posted about YOUR post on her blog (REDACTED by thebloggess). EVERYONE – PLEASE!!!! – feel free to read her chastising rant and reply to her 🙂

    Honestly I’d never seen, heard or or read this blog post of yours Bloggess – but my friend’s rant really invited me over here and I’m so glad I came.

    LOVE this post – not really sure why my friend doesn’t find it funny because her blog posts are ridiculous, they are SOMETIMES funny and generally overall vulgar.

    SO – you have a new fan and I’m deadly serious – EVERYONE WHO READS MY POST HERE – please go visit my friend’s blog and feel free to disagree with her about her criticism of the Bloggess 🙂

    (Thanks for commenting and welcome, but I’m taking out the URL. It’s totally cool for her to have a negative opinion about me. My readers aren’t really the type to yell at her, nor would I want them to. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  1908. so i remembered this post from a few years ago, and if you are living in CA, we are now neighbors because one of mine have this beast in their front yard. i laugh every time i pass it walking my dog, thinking of this blog post.

  1911. You are my new hero! I read this for my husband and he promptly told me I can go buy towels! He has also said I can have a 5 foot Chicken, but only if I put it on my mother’s doorstep not ours.. I am going to go shopping for one with my best friend this week. Thank you so much, I needed a good laugh!

  1912. I was just reading Leslie D. Lanagan’s comment, and have to agree. The Beyonce the Chicken story should win an award. Do they have awards for Best Blog Stories? This story is so good and makes me laugh so heartily every time I read it that surely it is good for the soul. I have to post it at least once every year on my facebook page just to share the perfect humour.

  1915. Now I am having a hard time appreciating the chicken as I am so annoyed with your (I’m sure wonderful) husbands insistence that he can tell you what you can and can’t buy. If he tells you you cannot buy towels again, I think Beyonce needs to invite Jay-Z, Rihanna, & Oprah over for a backyard gathering.

  1917. I didn’t think the story was very funny and was really anticipating my belly hurting from all the build-up comments. So you spent $100 on a metal chicken? Whoever built the chicken is awesome for putting all that metal together for sure, but if I was your husband I’d be pissed too! $100 can be spent in much better ways or to help others instead of a chicken in the backyard that doesn’t even produce eggs named Beyonce?! Sorry I wasted my time reading this story. Does it have a shiv?! Really? Were you guys high really thinking that? And it looks like you are only posting the comments that praise you for wasting money as if that justifies the purchase…I know you may think $100 for a chicken is nothing but that could feed some of the kids I work with for like 2-3 weeks! Just a shame you couldn’t have done something more helpful to others than just to spitefully piss your husband off…

  1918. I was re-reading this, and it seems to have been edited. The description in the department store is much shorter, and the “Knock, Knock, mf” part is completely missing. It just seems shorter all around. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in so long, did you edit it? It was sooo good! Do you have the original someplace else? Because without the complete story, the part about the embroidered towels doesn’t make sense to your new readers.

    (That’s weird. It’s exactly the same as always. Are you maybe reading it on a browser that doesn’t support the captions? Because it’s all still there, including the “knock-knock, motherfucker. Try it again on another computer and I bet it will work. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  1920. Just re-read this and though about what a good investment those 100$ was. I’m sure I’m not the only one who found a link to this page, laughed til I cried and then began to read the blog, and sent this link to my friends.

    A PR-genius would probably estimated Beyonces worth to a lot. Maybe you should tell Victor that… 🙂

    Keep up the good work, love your blog!

  1921. Teri June 13, 2013 at 7:43 am @3913 – What a weird comment. Of course $100 is a lot, but considering the laughs and the happiness this post has given over the years, I’d say it was very well spent money.

    Yes, the money could feed kids, help people in the developing countries, fight racism or pay for the vacination fo a shelter cat. On the other hand – thanks to Beyonce, Jenny has a gained more readers which learn about depression and other important subjects (because this blog isnt only about the fun stuff). It has contributed to the posibility for her to write a book, thus contributing to their family.

    Money can always be spent on good causes, but sometimes you just have to have a little bit of fun to, because without laughter we wouldnt survive.

  1922. My husband gave me a gorgeous, galvanized, 20″ chicken for our 44th anniversary.
    he bought it at a re-store.
    I LOVE IT,but my sister in law and family thought he was nuts.

  1924. I’m late in discovering the Giant Chicken, Beyonce, story but I wanted to respond anyway. This rocks. It’s hilarious. I love you. I wish your husband had a better sense of humor and didn’t throw tantrums and act surprised when you do shit like that… I mean, he has MET you right? I love the “Knock Knock motherfucker” on the towels…so fucking funny!

  1925. I am so very late coming to this story, which I have now “discovered” thanks to friends who are holding their “Fifteen Years is Big Metal Chicken” party. I laughed until I almost couldn’t breathe properly – which is *exactly* what I needed after spending an unexpected 11 hours at work on a Saturday. Many, many thanks… and now I need to go read more … much, much more.

  1926. Thank you!! I laughed SO much at this. It’s wonderful to know there’s people still out there with a wonderful wit & terrific sense of humor. Victor is lucky to have you!!

  1927. A friend of mine shared this with me about a week ago and I read it to my husband while I cried I was laughing so hard. I made a joke that I was going to find him a big metal chicken for our anniversary, which is actually today. He actually went looking for one that he could get locally because the shipping wouldn’t have gotten it here for our anniversary. He confessed this morning that he went with the alternative to the big metal chicken (which is crystal, so I’ll live) but then he called me from work today and said “Happy Metal Cock Day!” (I know, he forgot the Big, but it still made me laugh!)

  1928. After reading my blog entry this morning, my elementary school buddy sent me your blog entry. What a great way to start my weekend with lots of laughter right away!

  1929. damn, i cannot tell you how many times i have read this blog and LMAO every time. you might think i don’t have a life but that would not be true….it’s just that this is the best post ever!!

  1930. my new favorite threat is “don’t make me buy that chicken!!” I had to send this to my best friend–you totally captured the insanity of a shared goofball wacko soul-mate friendship! We just debriefed now that she’s read it and were laughing til we had tears in our eyes AGAIN!!
    Brilliant!! Just wish I could pin a link to it…

  1931. OMG! I needed a laugh and came across this chicken story. I wish I had a FUN girlfriend like yours. What a piss! Thank you for sharing. I can’t stop laughing.

  1932. I don’t know where you are, but here in South Carolina, a 5 foot chicken would be pure gold! Go Gamecocks!

  1934. I agree with Owen Finn, I really feel for poor Victor to have to deal a childish and probably spoiled child instead of a wife/partner.

    I didn’t find this story funny at all. Being spiteful and disrespectful to your spouse is in no way amusing. I can’t imagine anyone doing something like that and then thinking it’s amusing. Life it too short to have to deal with immaturity like that.

  1935. Owen and Joe- no offense, but this site appeals to people who fight with and love their spouses, act immaturely and even get drunk sometimes. I think you and your mature perfect lives should spare us all by never visiting again. Oh, and you might want to get a sense of humor.

  1936. Funniest story I’ve read in a long time. LMAO. My school mascot in Nebraska was the Chanticleers (fighting chickens). Beyonce would have fit in nicely.

  1937. Victor sounds rather patient to me to remain married to such a nasty person for over 15 years.

    (17 years. And yes, he is. ~ Jenny)

  1938. I spit my coffee out laughing. I may have even wet my pants a little. Holy guacamole you are funny. Thanks to Kimberly Knight for sharing your blog so I could fall upon it. I can’t wait to read more.

  1940. Whenever I am cranky I come back here and read this post! My husband just asked me what was wrong because apparently I was shaking the couch from my giggling. 🙂

  1941. A friend put a link to this on a women’s only FB group and we are all laughing our butts off. I read it at home for the first time last night and just now at work – cracked up all over again.

  1944. OMG. That is the funniest thing I have read and man would I have given anything to have a camera IN the chicken! Love the post. Never stop. As an artist I have to paint that amazing chicken. Everyone needs a 5 foot chicken…oh yes.

  1945. ugh, stop wasting bandwidth with childish garbage!

    don’t we have enough of this with politicians?

  1946. You are awesome and a riot; and Victor is a mensch (Yiddish for all-around great guy). Thanks for the laugh and some great ideas. Really appreciate your style and sense of humor.

  1947. I keep this in my “saved” items and when I need a great big belly laugh, I come back and re-read it. It still makes me cry from laughing so hard. Thank you so much for sharing.

  1948. I posted a link to this story on my facebook page about a week ago, and just now I tried to log onto facebook and got a message saying that I’ve been blocked because of that post, because it violates the Terms and Conditions of facebook.

    I don’t know whether to feel astonished or proud. Maybe a bit of both?

  1950. I was at a giant flea market over this past weekend and one of the booths had two 5 foot tall Beyonce’s. I said to my friend, all excited, “It’s Beyonce!” She had no clue what I was going on about so I’m here now to retrieve the link to send to her.

  1952. Wow, this is a popular post. I think it took 5 days for the entire page to load.
    Or just a couple of minutes. One or the other.
    Probably the other.
    You’ve infected me!
    Posted this on the Beyonce’ page on FB but wanted to let you know here as well. Spotted a cousin in Plano, TX a couple of weeks ago.
    http://dragonseye.com/blog/2013/09/Beyonces-cousin/

    Keep going Jenny. You’ve helped one more person to keep from letting life stay too serious. Thanks.

  1953. ALL HAIL THE BLOGGESS! Jenny, more than two years later (although I only discovered and read this post a little more than a year ago), and I still crack up, laugh hysterically and come dangerously close to neighbors banging on my door (no “knock, knock, motherfucker” with them) for waking them up.

    Seriously, you are truly one of the funniest women on the blogosphere, and off it, too. And you and Laura are without question the Lucy and Ethel of the 21st Century.

  1954. I think it is positively hilarious that there was a five foot cock ringing the doorbell……I would tell your hubby that is has the biggest cock that the world has ever seen……..just sayin’

  1955. I just re-read this sine my original reading was a couple of years ago. Damned if it isn’t still the funniest damned thing I’ve read! Just out of curiosity, I’m guessing you didn’t make it to 16 years?? LOL!

  1956. When all else fails, being the 3952nd person to post a comment, what if those of you who were so enthusiastically upset about this blog take a chill pill, drink a cold draft, or just plain relax and assume that this is a fictional story written by a writer with a great imagination, and digital imagery…

  1957. Um, that was probably the funniest post I have ever read! You’re hilarious and to be honest Victor’s reaction – or rather the lack thereof – was priceless! Definitely going to be returning to your blog countless times for those moments when I am in desperate need of a good laugh. In fact, I think I might just go ahead and re-read this post again – just for the hell of it 🙂

  1958. Um, that was probably the funniest thing I have ever read! And I must admit that Victor’s reaction – or lack thereof – was priceless! I will definitely be returning to this post for those moments when I am in desperate need of a good laugh. In fact, I might just go ahead and re-read this hilarious post just for the hell of it 🙂

  1959. Is it wrong that I am thinking of you this evening as I argue with my husband about whether we can get some hens to keep in the backyard next spring? City ordinances say we can’t have chickens or any of several other species mentioned by name, but the ordinance (which is listed under “Article II — CATS AND DOGS,” which apparently means the city council can’t tell a chicken from a Chihuahua) says absolutely NOTHING about emus.

    Emus.

    Knock-knock, motherfuckers….

  1960. I thought of this blog post yesterday while at home goods. Beyonce’s back! 😉 That was one mighty huge chicken!

  1961. OMG I laughed so hard. It reminds me of this, 30 times smaller and feather covered semi realistic, chicken named “Freakin George Henry,” (His name is a whole other story.) that my Mother and I had bought at Michaels. We knew if we put him in the front yard for my father to find, he’d be straight pissed. So we bought him for the amazing price of $11.99 on sale and stuck him under the tree in the front yard. Around 6:30 my Father pulls in the drive way and his mannerisms changed. Mom and I in a fit of mad laughter watch him stalk the creature in the front yard (It looked almost real from a few feet away. Even fooled people in takeout windows. ) He then came storming into the house livid … screaming, “WHO’S CHICKEN IS IN MY YARD?? WHO HAS CHICKENS?! YOU CAN’T OWN CHICKENS HERE!!! I’M CALLIN ANIMAL CONTROL!!!!!!” Mom and I lost it. We pointed out that it wasn’t real and that it was a lawn ornament. He stomped around for hours knowing, “Someone was trying to drive him crazy by putting their chicken in our yard.” But this was coming from a man who was angry about this guy, who would walk by every saturday morning, because he had a really round head. To this day … he’s pissed about someone putting their chicken in the front yard, despite how many times I send him pictures of me and ( a now decrepit) Freak George Henry. My mother and I are still enjoying it. LOL!

  1962. Wow, Jenny–I finally scrolled down to the bottom to see if you’re still listening, and you are! Saw this post a few days ago after someone sent it to my wife. I appreciate your sense of humor and marvel at the comments from men (and a few women) who apparently have no sense of humor and attempt to push their own, often warped agendas by criticizing you. I can tell from your responses that you give them the attention they deserve. Keep it up, doll–

    (I do what I can. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  1963. About to celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary- and bitching about crystal and watches being the “symbols.” And someone sent me this. Too funny. I love teaching my husband lessons like this- although a 5 ft. chicken tops it all. haha And thanks for giving me permission to think outside the crystal goblet as I prepare for an anniversary celebration. 🙂 (hmmmm … Can I borrow your chicken actually??)

  1965. I am new to your blog and new to my own mommy blog for that matter, but you are hilarious and I am glued to your blog already. I am sure little old me will get lost in the millions of followers, there are so many comments took a few minutes to scroll down to here. But I got here to say, amazing, blog and I am going now to check out your book. I took have written a book, if you have a minute check it out on my website, http://www.letstalkmommy.com/?page_id=389 Look forward to reading more.

  1966. Totally LOVE this! I laughed so much my kitten looked at me as if I was the crazy one.

  1967. My husband, after 15 years together, finally learned (I think) the wisdom of never telling me to not buy something, especially after picking a fight about it. I’ve come home with new cars, a refrigerator, a cat (the cat he now loves dearly), to name a few. But never a giant chicken…that I may save for next time he forgets and picks that fight! Thanks for the great laugh!

  1969. This has me wiping tears………I wish I could convey to you how exactly perfect the timing of my reading this episode is. My next move will be to buy one of these fucking chickens, maybe more, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!! God, thank you for being you, and for being married in spite of it. You give me hope!! ~ 47 and engaged to your husband’s mental and emotional doppelganger!

  1970. I must honestly say this is one of the most amazing things I have read… I only wish to be half the woman you are!! (Knock knock mother fuckers)

  1971. I can’t believe I am just discovering you-we are certainly cut from the same cloth! I had a paper mache cow that I would drop off at friends and coworkers houses late at night so they’d see it when they left for work or school in the morning! I figured they’d wonder all day who dropped the cow off-but I always got a phone call early in the morning!

  1972. Hilarious!!! Trying to see Victor’s initial reaction, I guess no man wants a cock bigger than his in the house. I’m just sayin’… This story is priceless. Keep them coming.

  1973. You have to be the last person I would want to marry, ever. I can imagine that parts of this post were made up for comedic purposes but god damn, what an annoying wife to have. Hang in there, my friend Victor. Or don’t. I feel for you either way.

  1974. I have read this story over and over. I still laugh so hard I cry! Last time I read it I announced to my husband, “I want a metal chicken!” I was in pier 1 yesterday with my husband, I had lost him, which is surprising because he’s not a fan of pier 1 and it’s “useless crap”, when I finally found him he was standing next to a 3 foot metal chicken. He looked at me and said “you have to get this!” So now I am a proud owner of a metal chicken!!

  1975. HA! giant metal chicken = $100., teaching hubby a valuable lesson = Priceless!
    When will men learn 😉

  1977. Howdy! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I genuinely enjoy reading through your blog posts.
    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same topics?

    Thanks!

  1980. This is probably about the tenth time I have read this story. I am still laughing so hard that I’m crying. You are so awesome!

  1982. Only a nipple-dick would leave a Beyonce chickenthat was on sale behind.

  1984. I’m now the proud owner of a Beyoncé mini me.

    I plan to use her in all of my holiday decorating. 😉

  1985. I made my own giant metal chicken thanks to you! I now have Beyonce’s sister at my house, Solange.

  1986. what happened to the knock knock mother fucker part of this blog post?!

  1989. ZOMG, Just read this to my hubby (because I was trying to explain why our local antique store and garden center had 5 foot metal chickens) and BARELY got through it, I was laughing so hard. Love this story. Love you. Thank you for the very-near-tinkle-accident this story caused. Still giggling.

  1990. As I was reading, I was expecting to read that you and your friend to stuff Beyonce full of towels and Victor would bring the chicken in the house. That way you got the towels and did not bring them in the house. BTW, there is never enough towels in any house.

  1991. Dear Jenny I have loved and appreciated you since you went viral with Knock Knock.

    His name is Tarol, he listened to the whispers. And he disappeared from my life and left a void. I just extended a challenge to take a Pie in the face to tell depression the sometimes “Go fuck yourselves Mondays” need to be hit with a pie and someone should yell Depression Lies

    Dear Thunt

    Seriously everyone and their dog right now is doing an icebucket challenge.(that’s cool it is fun)

    And I want to let you know, that I am probably, as a fan part of your problem…. I have expectations of a person I have met maybe 6 or 7 times in 8 or 9 years for 25 minutes total…. (but you are an artist and you moved me)

    And I am not comparing you to Robin Williams but seriously if you received a phone call from him saying “Hi I am Robin Williams and I am seriously depressed right now, could I come over…” Would you hang up or say Come on over?

    So I am sharing with you this video and I am challenging you: to take a pie in the face and say “depression Lies”
    and I am challenging Danielle via this video to hit him in the face with a pie and say ” Depression Lies”
    or………
    I am saying that when I see you at VCon in in October I am going to say Dude hit me in the face with a pie and Scream: “Depression Lies”

    Enjoy http://youtu.be/FA9LU5j02S8

    Vorpal John

  1995. Thank you for the laughs!! I know this is an old post but I just read it for the first time today and laughed so much. My Tuesday is happier now. (Please tell Victor he was a key player in that too so he’s doing good things 🙂 – unless you think that would make him mad, then never mind …)

  1996. Hahaha – This is hilarious!
    (Although this post is pretty old I reposted a link on my blog – hope it’s ok)

  1997. I can’t believe I wasted that much time reading this shite!! If this is what funny is, SHOOT ME NOW……
    I guess there are a lot of people out there that don’t know funny!

  1998. I held it together through almost the whole reading…..till I got to the part about the embroidery on the towels. I completely lost it!! You would be a trip to party with.

  1999. Victor here, ” just remember, I don’t get mad, I don’t get even, I get one up, motherfucker”

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