Where the hell am I?

Tomorrow I leave to visit Utah for the first time, as I was asked by several Mormons to be an Ignite speaker about “anything that you’re passionate about.  Your choice.”  Most people are already cringing at the terrible repercussions of letting me speak about anything I want, but when I told them I wanted to have a live drill for the zombie apocalypse they were all, “Huh.  Rock on”.  Also, I sent them my power point presentation, which includes phrases like “Knock-knock, motherfucker”, and they didn’t even blink.  Because Mormons are awesome.  Unless you ask them to mix you a drink, which they will totally fuck up because they are terrible bartenders.  Anyway, my point is that I will be at Evo ’11 for most of this week and if you’re going to be there too (and are good at shuffling and moaning) you should let me know.

PS.  I’m also co-hosting the 5th annual People’s Party at Blogher this year.  As always, I will be hiding in the bathroom the entire time, as my anxiety disorder has never actually allowed me to attend any of the parties I’ve hosted.  This is not an exaggeration.  Also, I think I’m supposed to be writing a post about this but I’m way too irresponsible to do that.  I’d feel worse about that but it’s fairly obvious that I’m not responsible enough to be expected to follow the rules.

BlogHer 11 Parties

PPS.  The bad-ass Mormons hosting Evo ’11 are the same ones who were there when I was crowned Czar by the Mayor, and who were unfazed when I was attacked by a feral baby on stage.  They totally know what they’re getting into. Probably.  Either way, it should make for an interesting post when I get back.

164 thoughts on “Where the hell am I?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m sure there will be a bagillion posts about your party without yours adding to the blogher posting orgy clutter.

  2. Have a wonderful time. Just thought I’d mention that being asked to be an “Ignite speaker” probably doesn’t involve any lighter fluid. Just in case you were thinking of an arson presentation. I’m just looking out for you.

  3. Hopefully I will have the balls to introduce myself to you this year…last year I was too scared. 🙂

  4. Ah, those Mormon’s down your way seem to know how to have a good time!! Also, according to The Weed, they also love you . . . even though you do use curse words.

    As for attending a party you host . . . way too over rated! You will become known as this mysterious hostess and your parties will be the most popular because people will want to be around for that rare, never heard of before, sighting of the Hostess!

  5. A friend of mine was a non-drinker, but offered to make people drinks. I asked for a double rum and coke, and I got a 20 oz glass full of basically nothing but rum.

    “How much rum did you put in?”
    “Well, I figured a double meant half a glass…”

    Best. Bartender. Ever.

  6. Have fun with it! I hope there are no feral ZOMBIE babies this time. That would both rock and suck. Rock, because it would make your presentation perfect…suck, because it’s a fucking zombie baby.

  7. For the first time since I left, I’m totally wishing I lived in Utah again just so I could have the chance to meet you. Good luck!

  8. I cannot imagine the power you must feel with this level of resonsibility, really any subject you like?? A Blog site to support which only gets better the worse you are…

    Look forward to the pictures

  9. Well, if you ever do feel like upsetting them, all you have to do is suggest that being gay isn’t a bad thing! They’ll totally get the vapors.

  10. I would *love* to have you speak at an Ignite Seattle event! Summer’s beautiful here.

  11. You could totally do a presentation called Marriage Is For Everyone, Motherfucker! Or, at least threaten. They might mix you a drink instead.

  12. GAH!!! Why, why don’t I live in Park City?! Stupid temperate, superior St. George Utah!!! I want to be with Jenny… :'( tears.

  13. Maybe you could go if you wore one of you “I’m sorry for disappointing you” t-shirts. That way the pressure is off of having to impress people.

  14. Won’t the bathroom be super crowded? Like more crowded than the party if you’re in there? I’ll bring vodka with me to share.

  15. Do you have to buy a seat for a giant metal chicken, or is it considered a carry-on? (Or should I say carrion? Oh my God. Best joke of the day. I just won.)

  16. “Jenny is very bewildering.” – Too funny. *You* are too funny. Sometimes the laughter you cause hurts. In many ways. But it is all wonderful.

  17. Clicked through to Evo ’11 to find boring bio after boring bio — until yours, of course. You and your blog are everything that’s right in the blogosphere; those other blowhards=the reason I (and, I think, many of your readers) never bothered to read a blog until I/we found yours! Thanks for keeping it real, and hilarious, and for introducing us to Nancy L. Kappas, paralegal. Can’t wait ’til your book is published!

  18. Jenny:

    You are going to Park City. First bit of knowledge, although Park City is in Utah, it is not Utah. Think of Park City being our own little Vatican City, except there is no Pope or repenting but lots of drinking and star fu#%ing. You are in for a real treat as the weather in PC during July is fantastic. Warm and sunny. Take advantage of the Alpine Slide or Alpine Coaster or go do the Olympic bobsled (Beyonce would love that). Go to High West and pour yourself a few Rendevous Ryes and you may soon be able to read Golen Plates too!

  19. Oh and PS also, I’m very NOT Mormon so it might be scary because they’re all nice and giving you brownies and then probably they’ll just start punching you.

  20. I’m putting “Knock knock, Motherfucker” on my gravestone, ’cause where I’m going is anybody’s guess and neither one of them are expecting me.

  21. Dude. I wish so bad that I could come to that this weekend. I am Mormon. I hope that I am BA. (Ya… I say BA. Never the actual words but I have no problem calling something BA.) Have a wonderful time.

  22. If the bathroom parties get big enough…isn’t that…well…attending a party? Just, you know, in a bathroom?

    Which, if we’re being honest, is pretty damned convenient if things go wrong. Toilets are right there is all I’m saying. 🙂

  23. Oh, Utah is so pretty this time of year. Be sure to pick up some magic underwear while you’re out there though. And Paradise Cafe cookies. If you have to pick between the two… cookies. Go with the cookies.

  24. Just be careful. The Mormons can turn on you faster than you can say fuckstorm and strip you down and make you wear their garments. Which are these sacred-type threads that have been baptized in the fires of Holy Abomination to make your lady garden smell like jungle rot so no man can stand your effluvia rendering you permanently sexless and unable to write your sex column. Just watch your back.

  25. In the now-immortal words of commenter Kalli (33), you are so BA.

    Not only am I jealous, I’m also not prepared enough for the zombocalypse.

  26. Fyi, park city is in no way considered utah! Because in partl city,you can (a) buy beer on sundays, (b) find more than 1 bar in a 15 mile radius, and (c) usually say fuck with being put to death!
    That is why I spend a lot of time there.. if some one invites you to leave park city, just say no!!! and if they say anything about going to ut county, slap them and run!
    Prepare your self my dear..

  27. Oh, Jenny, so let’s say the wife and I would like to come and experience your “words of wisdom,” Friday at 11 whilst discussing publishing (really?). But, we would rather not attend the whole conference, any idea on how we could (legally) obtain admittance?

  28. I went to the EVO link and having the words “inexplicably popular” in your bio doesn’t say much about the organizers in my opinion. That is like saying “everyone else is doing it so I will to” and reveals – in my opinion – a spineless group of EVO-ers.
    Also, I’m going to plan an event and ask you to host it. And by host it I quite literally mean spend the entire time in the bathroom during the event because that is what we expect from the hosts of our events. Well that and a booze fueled and profanity laced speech that we can record in the bathroom and then play through a bullhorn to a bewildered security guard down in the lobby far away from our paying audience who will just wonder who stole all the TP in the ladies room. It is going to be awesome.

    Ha! Actually “inexplicable popular” is how I describe myself. They just lifted it from my bio. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. 🙂

  29. I think they are expecting some kind of apocalypse from you at Evo ´11 though – their presentation of you at their webpage is rather distancing and guarded. Zombies Rule!

  30. I think this time they’ll expect you to hide in the bathroom so they may have the actual event there instead.

  31. Is this drill for fast zombies or slow (classic) zombies?

    Are you going to up-load the PowerPoint presentation and video or just let the rest of us be consumed during the zombie apocalypse? (Since Mormons don’t drink alcohol or coffee, there will be more left for you. So while you won’t have any drunk Mormons on-guard against the zombie, they may fall asleep from lack of coffee.)

    Shit – I forgot what I was going to say next. ….

    Oh, yeah – If you let me become a zombie I will personally eat your brain!

  32. I cannot tell you how much fun you are going to have in Park City! The entire state is beautiful and the people really are nice and friendly, whether they are Mormon or not. I am so glad that you aren’t anywhere near as judgemental (judge-semimental) as some of your readers. Lived here for way too many years and have yet to see anybody stripped down and forced to wear ANY type of clothing, underwear or otherwise. I’ve been lucky (unlucky) to find people more than willing enough to judge others regardless of their religion in just about every state. Sound slike some of your readers are that way themselves.

    Enjoy the trip. BTW, they still had some snow on the mountains and even had snow skiing on the 4th!

    Slainte, lass!

  33. Wooohooo for party! and “kncok knock motherfucker” is totally acceptable in a powerpoint presentation! and cheers to Anxiety (not!) I’m a crazy mofo too!

  34. You have anxiety disorder? How do you muster up courage for public speaking?

    Xanax, beta blockers, lots of people telling me it’ll be okay. ~Jenny

  35. Have a safe trip, and anytime you hide in the bathroom, just promise to live tweet it for us. 🙂 We’ll hang with ya….

  36. Damn it!! We are in Utah and SO want to see you, but all the tickets are sold out! Those Mormon’s are all over this…
    And you’re gonna talk about Zombies…sigh. It’s just like they cancelled Christmas.

    When you coming back…?

  37. Utah you say? I’m sending off for my mormon membership card now. Should see you there!

  38. i’ll be there. with a big bag of pot. because, you know, you might just need it and after living here in utah for this long with all these bad-ass mormons, i’ve finally figured out which door you send your extra large metal chicken to knock on to actually get it. xox

  39. Jenny, have the limo driver stop at my house, I’ll mix you a “go cup” for your trip up the mountain.

    I hope you love your trip to Utah as much as most of us love living here. It is a truly beautiful state with much to offer to those who want to explore the area.



  40. I’m just waiting for BlogHer to construct an intimate bathroom set on your panel or onstage so that you’ll be able to function. With an audience. Which still seems very contradictory somehow. Never mind.

  41. Park City is awesome. Its where I did cocaine for the first time. So you have that to look forward to. Rich people are bonkers yo!

  42. p/s If you get the chance – head over to Snowbird…they were still skiing there yesterday! And the mountains this time of year are breathtaking!

    -hugs again


  43. As a fellow Texan, would you PLEASE take me with you? You know what I mean — this 100+ degrees heat sucks and I’m tired of coming home smelling like the bottom of a gym bag every damn day. Utah would be so much nicer and cooler and stuff (and I promise I would smell much better). I probably will take up too much room in your luggage, and I’m not Mormon, but at one time I was a fundamentalist Christian who once went to church with a fundamentalist Christian girl who was once a fundamentalist Mormon, so it’s close, like a cousin twice removed or something like that.

  44. I live in I-dee-ho. We have a lot of Mormons here….and I have to say, THEY ROCK! Even though I’m a martini-drinking heathen, the Mormons are accepting and awesome. They taught me how to can my summer produce from my garden and to stock up by extreme couponing for my own Zombie Apocalypse. Mormons are so bad-ass!

  45. I’m 45 min. away from Park City, and could not afford to go to this conference… If I send you my phone number will you text me the location of the bathroom you’ll be in? I’ll be there fast!!! 🙂 You. Are. Awesome. Have a great time here!

  46. If you find a sister wife at Evo, please let the rest of us know. I mean don’t keep us hanging! 🙂 You’ll kick ass!

  47. You only think Mormons are crappy bartenders because you have never had ME make you a drink. Unlike my fellow “sister-wives” (it’s only funny/OK when we say it… it makes me mad when anyone else deos kinda like using the “n” word if you’re not black) I actually know what a shot glass is and how it’s used to measure also I know that a “glug” out of a handle of Jim Beam is about an ounce so really you should come party with me and I will make you Funky Monkeys all night long.

    Funky Monkey
    1 shot Malibu
    1 shot Midori sour
    3/4 shot blue curacao
    3/4 shot 99 bananas
    1 shot heavy cream
    Fill with pineapple
    Shake and serve over ice

  48. Jamie (48) – Jenny also grips the curtain and wears a confidence wig. I should try that too.

    Good luck with the ZA drill, Jenny!

  49. Paula Dean was agoraphobic. Maybe you can just start cooking? Me on the other hand, I love to speak… It’s just that no one will ever let me.

  50. I live near Park City and would LOVE to listen to you speak! Too bad the conference is sold out, except for the $399 ticket….wanna spot me??? 🙂

    Good luck!

    p.s. I’m Mormon…and pretty BA 😉

  51. I had no idea that Mormons were so easy to deal with. I hope everything goes well at all of your events and that the bathroom you hide in is clean.

  52. Mormons are only bad bartenders if there are other Mormons present in the room. Ever hear the old joke?: How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your beer during a fishing trip? A: Bring along another Mormon.

  53. Park City is an entity unto itself. Kind of like the Vatican, only with less Pope and more boozing. If you need a guide around Utah’s funky liquor laws, you let me know.

  54. dear everyone being rude about mormons-
    i thought jenny taught us all to be loving and accepting regardless of our differences? your jokes aren’t funny. they are just mean.

    dear jenny-
    you rock, and we mormons love you. have fun in utah! the summer is the best, although the winter…i’m not a snow person so i couldn’t handle it. but summer in utah=yay!

  55. WHAAAT?! You’re going to be in Utah and I didn’t know? Sad day. If I can make it up that way, I’ll come play a zombie for you. I already have the desire to kill people lots of the time so it shouldn’t be a far stretch, eating brains.

  56. I so wish I was going to blogher, although I don’t know why I’d head for the closest bathroom too but knowing my luck I’d take a wrong turn and end up falling in a urinal, bet I wouldn’t find u there. (am Aussie what can I say? I didn’t send u the kangaroo scrotum either btw)


  57. As an Albertan (which is a lot like being a Texan but with better health care and more yelling about hockey), I question the whole MIXING a drink scenario. Ask the bartender to hand over the rye (seriously, no one else is going to drink it. What IS it with you Americans being against rye?) and grab a cup on your way in. You’re in a bathroom, you have water on hand to add to the rye. No problem.

  58. You’re gonna rock Utah kiddo. I wish I could chill with you in the ladies’ room again this year, but unless I hit the lotto it looks doubtful that I can make it.

  59. I am so glad that I am not the only person who isn’t actually seen at parties they host. Damn anxiety.

  60. Joseph Smith…metal chicken….same diff.

    (I can’t wait to hear about your Mormon adventures)

  61. I was reading through all this and then I thought, “I thought EVO was extra virgin olive oil.” Then I realized that was evoO. thanks Rachel Ray! Have fun at that other thing!

  62. You know, if you have parties in the bathroom, it’s the perfect excuse for people to bring you towels as hostess gifts – thereby saving you more money to buy friends for Beyonce. You could have your own Musicians of Bremen if you find any more metal animal sculptures.

  63. Safe travels! I hope the weather is cooler than it is in Texas.

    Oh, and break a leg, so you can get some GOOD drugs…

  64. I don’t know whether I wish I was you or thank the Godi I’m not. I’m really torn. Happy Anniversary. Victor, the chicken was my idea. OK, Victor it wasn’t my idea. That’s a total fucking lie. I was pushing for the tequila gun.

  65. Wow. I know I’ve been reading this blog longer than most of my relationships last, now. This is my third people’s party invitation.

  66. What if the closest public bathroom is a men’s room? Should we keep looking, or is the party there? Also is that thing from last year where people who aren’t going can tweet about how awesome it was to hang out in the bathroom with you and you’ll totally back them up still true?

    Also if I were asked to talk about “anything I am passionate about” it would probably result in a 40 minute presentation on Velociraptor Safety. Can we organize an Apocalypse Conference? There can be presentations and panels on potential types of apocalypses and how to stay safe during them, and then bathroom parties because chances are there are no windows in the bathrooms for the zombies/raptors/aliens/2012 to get in.

  67. I don’t suppose you could lend me a powerpoint to use for work or school? Corporate training could *really* use some help…

  68. My advice with the Mormons? Keep the topics to horses, magnets and lemonparty.org and you cannot go wrong!

  69. I literally squeaked out loud when I read that you’ll be in Utah. I *live* in Utah. I said to my husband, “The Bloggess is going to be in Park City! I think I need to call in sick tomorrow. Oh wait, it’s not tomorrow, it’s Thursday. Okay, I need to call in sick on Thursday.”

    My husband encouraged me to go but then I went, “Oh, it’s a conference. They’re going to charge admittance to the conference. I don’t have any money. I wonder if they charge admittance to the bathroom? Coz I *know* Jenny will be hanging out in the bathroom.”

    I hope they don’t charge admittance to the bathroom. Do you think they’ll arrest me for loitering around all the public bathrooms? Would that make me a freak?

  70. I used to identify all Mormons with Donnie and Marie when I was an ittty bitty girl I thought they all had big teeth and sang. Watch out for anyone who swears they knew you in another pre-existance.

  71. Ahhhh!!!! I live in Utah and your going to be so close to where I live! I would LOVE to come stalk you! Have fun! (I’ll be wearing a red shirt and jeans)

  72. Make sure you take the free bus to downtown Park City from the Canyons and go to the No Name Saloon. You’ll fit right in. “Helping people forget their names since 1903”

  73. I just discovered Blogher and hope to be able to attend next year. Can’t wait to hear your view on it all. Woo hoo got my first badge today from them. Can only imagine how many you’ve received.

  74. The Mormons will love you! Take it from one that already does. And….you may be surprised how may of us could mix up a kick ass drink 😉 of course since I stopped drinking and am being a good Mormon I no longer have alcohol to blame for some of my behavior.

  75. Maybe we could hold an “anxiety disorders anonymous” meeting in the ladies’ room during the People’s Party. I’ll be in attendance!

  76. You should totally do the zombie demonstration complete with props: torches, pitchforks, chainsaws.
    Have your zombie/actors in a big cage and let them out one by one to show various attack/defense techniques.

  77. Sounds like a blast! So wish I could go ’cause I’m totally great at shuffling and moaning. Especially in the morning. Can’t wait to read the post!

  78. Have a great weekend. Also maybe at your blogher party you can request a bathroom bartender! Awesome…if not exactly hygienic but enough liquor kills everything! Enjoy.

  79. Mormons are most definitely NOT awesome. Try living in a town that’s mostly full of them (and pretty much totally controlled by the LDS church) and then tell me they’re awesome. But I am kind of excited that you’re going to be only a few hours away from where I live. That’s pretty cool.

  80. Let me know if you’re bored. I live in Salt Lake City and can tell you where to get the best cocktails and food.

  81. Just curious if these “awesome” Mormons are the ones who spent millions of dollars to promote Prop 8 in California?

    Sorry to be a downer, but I don’t guess every comment can be funny.

    I still love you and your blog though. 🙂

  82. I agree with Roozal way up there at the top, come to Seattle. I would convert just to hear your PowerPoint because I am convinced that you are only one actually prepared enough for the Zombie Apocalypse. I might have a chance after seeing your presentation.
    And Daralynn I’m making the Funky Monkey right now!!!! It’s 5 o’clock somewhere right.

  83. I am impressed with all the commentors who are pointing out that Mormons are NOT awesome- NO ON PROP 8!!!!!!

  84. You people are horrible for assuming Mormons are gay hating, baby making, polygamists who are trying to single handedly ruin your existence. I am Mormon, I support gay marriage, I am against free procreation, and I hoped that this kind of ignorance and prejudice was over. I guess I was wrong. Thanks for all the assumptions about things you obviously know nothing about.

  85. Oh my god. I can’t believe the mormons are letting you swear on powerpoint. This is probably going to be the best seminar ever. Boy, I wish I could be there for it.

  86. Well, it just sucks even more that I can’t be at EVO since you’re there, BUT I pee a lot. Like every frigging time I walk across a room a LOT so this will work out so well at BlogHer – I’m so gonna hang out with you in girls’ room. I’ll totally bring the bubblegum cigarettes!

  87. I’m so stoked that you’re in The Urtah! I would also like to say that I am a devout Mormon, and I read your blog on an at least bi-weekly basis, and can I also say that YOU’RE bad-ass for thinking Mormons are bad-ass? YOU’RE BAD-ASS FOR THINKING MORMONS ARE BAD-ASS.

    Enjoy the West.

  88. I almost went to Amish country once. Luckily my advisers got smart and sent me home early. The end. Good luck Jenny, I’m sure you’ll be awesome (as usual)

  89. Mormons are stupid. No, wait a minute… morons are stupid, Mormons are just, as you pointed out, terrible bartenders. That makes Utah one of my least favorite places on earth, because a poorly made Cosmo is a tool of the devil.

    Kick ass, Jen!

  90. The Mormons who used to be my neighbors were never this cool. Although, the Whiskey-palians who worship where I visited once would totally love you.

  91. Everybody on that Evo ’11 list of speakers looks so free and breezy. Do you look that breezy in the bathroom? Maybe if you stick your head up under the hand dryer? Is that what you do in the bathroom for hours? You should do a blog about what happens in the bathroom. Do you make origami animals out of paper towels? Do you charge people for hand towels? You could probably make some good money in there performing… services…

  92. First, congratulations on your 15th wedding anniversary!

    and now a whole bunch of unrelated things. It’s OCTOPODES, I did the research:

    I’m looking forward to seeing you at BlogHer in the ladies room. Do you remember that Canadian “bubbles” chocolate that our northern friends had us eat? Norwegians have something similar – I’m bringing you a bar. Of Norwegian bubbles chocolate, I mean.

  93. If I am ever stranded on a deserted island (or the Utah desert) , I’d want you to be my coconut.

  94. I live like 20 minutes from park city!!! I so wish I would love to come meet you! So, if you get bored sitting in the bathroom, I will so come up and keep you company! (and i’ll even bring my own xanax & bottel of wine)

  95. Welcome to Utah! If you get a chance – head to Kristauf’s Martini Bar in downtown SLC – GREAT martinis – ask for Ncki and tell her Jeff and Kevin told her to hook you up 😉 Enjoy your stay!

  96. Comment of the day: Dawne #81
    Everyone going to Blogher stock up on towels so Jenny can buy pals for Beyonce. Brilliant idea!

    Have fun in Utah. Don’t forget to write.

  97. I have a knock knock, motherfucker joke, too!

    -Knock knock, motherfucker.
    -Who’s there?
    -It’s me, motherfucker.
    -Me who?
    -Your father.

    *crickets chirping*

    (Er, it’s probably funnier when my dad tells it.)

  98. “a live drill for the zombie apocalypse” = WIN
    Between that, a need for towels resulting in metallic poultry, sarcasm and love of booze…I’m starting to wonder if we were seperated at birth.
    The true test…one day I will share with you the art of vindictive drinking. If our brains & livers are in sync…it will be a tell tale sign. 🙂

  99. Like you, I prefer residence in the bathroom for parties. As a writer, I’d say go further: get in the shower. And stay there. Until a perfect quiet descends outside.

  100. Dear Bloggess,
    Last night on my couch, I looked at my husband, and said, “Knock knock, motherfucker!” To which he confusedly replied, “Ding-dong, asshole?” Had a great laugh, wanted to share 😛

  101. I have never been to Park City, but I hear it is absolutely beautiful there. Going to the mountains always makes me feel suspended from time and problems of the world. Or maybe it’s just the altitude making me dizzy.

    Relax (or get oxygen starved) and have fun!

  102. I work at a library and the first thing I do when I hear/see/smell a new book coming out is see if I can get it/buy it for our library/steal it from another system. So I manically went looking for yours… and found “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jamie Kelly; Summary: In her diary, middle school student Jamie Kelly describes her life at home and at school, including her attempts to triumph over her nemesis, the beautiful and popular Angeline. Good job selecting a title…!

  103. Squeal! You will be in my hometown!! I wish could afford to come and see you and worship at the alter of Bloggess. Enjoy your time here. It’s lovely and hot with snow tipped mountains. But word to the wise – Mormons are much nicer when they don’t live here!
    Have fun!

  104. K….some one up above (not UP UP above, in the post line silly) commented bout an experience (out of body or in) regarding ordering a double rum and coke. So..being the gossip that I am, I have to relay this strange but true experience I had when I first moved to Utah from NYC (oh the shock).
    In NYC when you order coffee there are standards (there are standards for everything in NYC, especially regarding the wearing of white shoes, but that’s another story). So here’s the rules:
    coffee black : DOH obvious
    coffee lite: enough cream to make it lite color
    Then you can add however many sugars your diabetes allows. 1, 2 10 sugars pls.
    So, here I am in this diner at the counter, I order a coffee lite, the sugar is sitting there so no need to add and 10 sugars pls.
    The waitress never blinks an eye or two for that matter. She turns the coffee up right side up, comes back with a pot of coffee and a pot of water and promptly pours half water and half coffee in my cup.
    Lucky for her I am a polite NYC gal, I only slapped her silly twice!

  105. Anytime I hear about the upcoming zombie apocalypse and feral babies, I immediately think of the scary laughing baby on Funny or Die. If I were confronted by an evil laughing-zombie baby I would probably lose any ability to move and be devoured by satanic tots with no teeth. Feel free to share your powerpoint so I know how to survive such an abomination.

  106. So I’ve only just begun following your blog, but I will shamelessly admit it- I’m hooked. Who wouldn’t love a bad ass chick who fights off rabid babies, idiot pr robots, and does it all while looking fantastic?

    You are my new hero. Enjoy Utah! I hear they have some kicking bathrooms. You did bring your own drinks, right?

  107. Here’s what it is, not be all like mental and stalker n shiz, but I’m Irish, so it’s okay, due to the fact that we are all leprechauns! But, just for the sake of it, you should just come to Ireland and follow me round talking all day, I think it would be totes amazeballs!

    Get on it!

    Thanks for making me smile so much! Please don’t have me arrested! *angelic*

    LOL – Ste x

  108. Was shopping over the weekend and ran across something in Wimberley I’d like to send a picture of. My friend and I just about peed our pants when we read you “Knock Knock Mother Fucker!” lol We found something you will love. Lemme know. Thanks!! P.S. Happy Anniversary! 😉

  109. Welcome to Utah! Park City is the least Mormony in all of the state – the bartenders you meet there will do you right. Have fun and stay hydrated (because of the altitude and, you know, the drinking)!

  110. I love the idea of a blogger convention filled with bloggers too shy/filled with anxiety to speak with each other. I would totally go to observe such social awkwardness, but alas, I am also a blogger, thus too shy and filled with anxiety to attend.

    Happy times in the bathroom though. (Hope there’s not an attendant in there. Attendant = unwanted social interaction + unwanted tipping.)

  111. Hey i wish you are having fun at Evo ’11,Good Luck and Congratulation’s!! for co-hosting the 5th annual People’s Party at Blogher,I’m a biggest fan of Blogher.Thank you for sharing about Mormons hehehehe so funny you are absolutely right about them,I’m agreed with you.
    God Bless!!

  112. Mormons are awesome — I know this because my mom had our family sample from the religion buffet when we were growing up, so we actually spent some time as Mormons. My only beef is that their gorgeous temple in the DC area (where I live) looks way too much like Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyworld, which means that my young daughter always asks to go there when we drive by it. And it is not easy to explain to a 5-year-old that she cannot because she is not wearing the right underpants.

  113. The internet told me that you totally rocked that fancy conference with the zombie apocalypse preparedness exercise – Woo-Hoo Motherfuckers!

    P.S. Just started reading “Beyond Blue – Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes” by Therese Borchard. Ummmm, yeah, she’s one of us, except more Catholic-ness and less cussing. At least in the book. Anyway. Just thought I would share.


  114. This year… when I walk into the party bathroom…. I’m going to actually say hello. For real. Because last year… I walked in… panicked… and just went into a stall… and then left.
    Which is ridiculous… but very true.

  115. Started reading your blog recently (started on the Big Chicken post by a friend really) and am Mormon, tho a convert. Had to say reading this made me very amused and very pleased. Nothing really witty or anything to say, just a big thumbs up from a complete stranger. 😀

  116. Yeah, I feel that when I in your situation (co-hosting), just relax and take a deep breath.. Btw, I wish you have a nice day in Utah

  117. I was driving through Utah last week during a roadtrip to Washington state (normal), but when we stopped at a gas station for Ho-Ho’s (normal) and a ridiculous, albeit hilarious keychain of Jesus cradling seven baby mormons in his arms, (probably normal for Jesus), our change back was $6.66 (NOT fucking normal).

  118. Oh, I feel you on developing an anxiety disorder when it comes to hosting parties…which is why I haven’t hosted a party since I was in elementary school, haha. Good luck in Utah and have fun! 🙂

  119. ” Unless you ask them to mix you a drink, which they will totally fuck up because they are terrible bartenders.”

    Sooooo true. I once ordered a margarita in a restaurant in Utah and the server said “that comes with rum right?”

  120. I found a 5 foot metal chicken at a local HG not too far from home!!! I want one so badly. My husband won’t let me get it. I don’t need towels… is there anything “worse” than a big metal chicken that doesn’t cost $100? I am new to your blog, thank you for the laughs!!!

  121. The Mormons will love you even though you spoke curse words but still they love you. Do not go over with your anxiety disorder have some fun and enjoy yourself for this makes you feel good.

  122. I know this because my mom had our family sample from the religion buffet when we were growing up, so we actually spent some time as Mormons.you should just come to Ireland and follow me round talking all day, I think it would be totes amazeballs!thank you for the laughs!!!

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